Great American Bash 2005 – So Boring I Have No Witty Title

Great American Bash 2005
Date: July 24, 2005
Location: HSBC Arena, Buffalo, New York
Attendance: 8,000
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

We’re back for more of this nonsense. It’s still Smackdown only and after the recent Draft, Batista and the World Heavyweight Championship are the bees’ knees (I’ve always wanted to say that) on the blue show. The main event is him defending against JBL, but this was before Batista got good against Taker. The rest of the card looks like your basically dull single branded PPV. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about the American Dream and how the whole show is going to be about him despite his matches sucking and not nearly as many people wanting to see him as he thinks. Oh scratch that, wrong American Dream. This is about Batista vs. JBL and Hassan being discriminated against. This is after the London terrorism thing. Oh and we’re in the Eddie vs. Rey for Rey’s kid thing.

You can tell this show is weak: the sponsor is

Smackdown Tag Titles: MNM vs. Heidenreich/Animal

This is Heidenreich/Animal since Hawk died a few years ago. I think this is because of the LOD DVD. Despite MNM being an awesome tag team and the champions (and the predecessors to Miz/Morrison), what do you think is going to happen here? Heidenreich doesn’t have spikes because he’d have to earn them. They’re called Legion of Doom but they changed the music so I don’t consider them a team. Heidenreich runs off Mercury to start and then does the same to Morrison.

Animal throws him back in and Animal gets a big pop. A double suplex puts the champions down and man there’s a gut on him. This is a total squash so far. FINALLY the champions double team Heidenreich and take his knees out. Mercury works on the knee and the announcers try to compare Heidenreich, the guy that raped Cole remember, to Hawk. Morrison misses a cannonball down onto the knee so it’s back to Mercury. This is REALLY boring stuff. After he cleans house, a title shot to the head gets two. Snapshot is broken up and the Doomsday Device gives the not-LOD the titles.

Rating: D. There was zero reason to put this on PPV and it wasn’t a good match in the slightest. They were trying to go for the LOD formula of total domination, but the non-matching tights and the lack of anything resembling charisma (or talent) by Heidenreich kept that from working. Bad TV match and an awful PPV match. Somehow they would hold the titles for THREE MONTHS.

Eddie talks about how he offered Rey a new twist on their match because he likes manipulating people now. He wants Dominic out at ringside for their match tonight to see Rey get destroyed. Eddie’s facials on this are great.

Christian vs. Booker T

Christian is awesome at this point and freshly on Smackdown. Booker is veteran midcarder in residence. Booker chases him into the ring and it’s a staredown. Christian hides, because that’s what cowardly heels do right? They fight up the aisle and there’s no story or reason for this match happening mentioned so far. Back in the ring a slingshot gets two for Booker. The tornado reverse DDT off the middle rope gets two for the Captain.

One arm DDT gets the same results. This is going nowhere again. Christian dominates with an evil headlock and Taz calls it an Anaconda Vice. Wait maybe it was a Vice. It’s not like we could see it, but who cares about something like BEING ABLE TO SEE THE MOVE??? Side kick misses and Booker goes down. Sharmell slaps him to remind us she’s still alive. Bookend hits for two.

The twisting sunset flip out of the corner gets no count but a spinebuster puts the Canadian down. Again there’s no particular reason for this match happening and that more or less sums up the problem with this match: there’s no reason to see them fighting. There’s the Spinarooni but since this is near Canada and Toronto in particular, this isn’t exactly a Spinarooni town.

Booker hits him in the corner but Christian powerbombs him out for two with feet on the ropes. Missile dropkick gets two for Booker. Christian ducks a….something, and they go outside. Booker throws him into steel objects, goes back in, hits the axe kick from the middle rope and that’s it. Seriously, that’s it.

Rating: D+. It’s not a bad match, but this came and went. The ending was kind of cool looking, but at the same time there’s NOTHING interesting here at all. Tazz mentions something about Smackdown from a few weeks ago but it’s not like we’ve heard that in the twelve minute match. The lack of story hurt this a lot, but these two have never worked well together at all.

Some old interviewer talks to Melina who says MNM will get the titles back soon. She’s going to beat Torrie in their bra and panties match too.

US Title: Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit

Jordan is champion and has been since March, beating Cena for the title. Yes, this guy kept the title like six months for absolutely no apparent reason. He has stupid looking puffed up hair here too. Benoit hammers him down to start as Orlando isn’t all that talented. Jordan tries to kick him in the knee and Benoit just chops him down. The champ tries working on the arm but Benoit leg drags him down and we go to the floor.

Benoit goes into the post and Jordan takes the buckle off. That lets the Canadian hit a German on the American to take over. There was no story to this other than Benoit beat Booker to get this shot. Jordan works on the neck for a second and then fires off punches. He used to be a boxer apparently. Ok so now Jordan is on the arm. PICK A BODY PART AND STICK WITH IT!!!

A dropkick puts Benoit down which Tazz tries to pass off as a big impressive move. Back to the arm and this match needs to end already. I’ve been thinking that a lot in this show. Benoit grabs a Sharpshooter attempt to try to get something going but Jordan would rather bore us to death. Jordan hooks something like a crossface chickenwing and then off to the neck because he worked on it for a few seconds earlier.

Jordan goes up but Benoit chops him down and hits a superplex off the top to put both guys down. Another Sharpshooter attempt fails but here are the Rolling Germans. I’m still not sure what popping your hips means. Swan dive gets two after a delay. Benoit chops away but Orlando’s head smacks into Benoit’s to put Chris down. Jordan finishes taking the pad off the buckle and a charging Benoit hits that for the pin to keep the title on Jordan. Yes they really did this. Benoit would win it at Summerslam in like 30 seconds.

Rating: D. Again the problem here is that Jordan is just boring. He’s as generic as anyone could ask for and I don’t think he had an actual finishing move. He might have used a DDT once in awhile. Imagine Honky Tonk Man’s offense, minus anything resembling charisma or ability in the ring. And he held the title for SIX MONTHS!

Benoit gets a standing ovation for some reason.

We recap Taker vs. Hassan. The match is for the #1 contender spot, but the problem was that Hassan had sent in a group of masked terrorist characters to choke Taker out with piano wire. They decided to do this on the same day as the London subway bombings, so UPN (the network Smackdown was on) basically threatened to throw WWE off the air if Hassan kept appearing, so this is his last appearance.

Undertaker vs. Muhammad Hassan

The Terrorists bring out Hassan on a caravan kind of thing. Hassan reiterates that if he loses here he’ll never show his face on Smackdown again. The winner of this gets a shot at Summerslam (didn’t happen). Some of the terrorists surround the ring. Hassan tries to run but gets caught in the corner and hammered on. Old School hits and a Downward Spiral gets two.

Taker charges in the corner but goes crashing over the corner to the floor. The Terrorists hammer away on him and Hassan takes over. Back in a DDT gets two. Taker shrugs off everything and hammers Hassan down. He heads to the floor and beats down the Terrorists, but gets caught by the wire again. Oh and they’re “sympathizers” according to Cole. The ski-masks, black sweatshirts and camo pants would suggest otherwise. Hassan puts his camel clutch on back in the ring which is easily countered. The Terrorists come in and are knocked back down. Chokeslam ends Hassan.

Rating: D+. Somehow a match based around terrorists with zero drama to it at all is the best match so far tonight. This show seems to have no soul at all and it’s really hurting things. This was a really bad period for the company but the show sucking this much is inexcusable. This was the best match of the night so far if that’s possible.

Taker beats up the Terrorists and Daivari because he can. Hassan goes up the ramp but Taker catches him and hits a Last Ride through part of the stage. Hassan was never seen again. This takes like 8 minutes.

Torrie promises to give the troops watching something to remember against Melina.

Hassan is bleeding from the back of his head as he’s taken away.

Mexicools vs. BWO

Oh where do I begin. Ok so the Mexicools are Juvy, Psicosis and Super Crazy as really stereotypocal Mexicans (ride lawnmowers, carry rakes etc). The BWO is here because at One Night Stand, JBL legitimately beat up Blue Meanie. WWE gave Meanie a job for like two months so he didn’t sue them. This is their only match of note. The BWO comes out on big wheels for absolutely no apparent reason. American Chopper joke maybe?

Juvy vs. Nova starts us off. Things break down and the BWO takes over. Psicosis finally hits a corkscrew plancha to take over on Nova. Back to Juvy as Nova gets beaten down. He Hulks Up (NWO parody remember… 2005) and Cole messes up the BWO’s names. Hot tag brings in Richards who cleans house. Side slam gets two on Psicosis. Everything breaks down and Crazy hits a moonsault onto Richards followed by a guillotine legdrop by Psicosis for the pin.

Rating: F. This was on PPV. Once you get that through your heads, you’ll get why this was a failure.

We recap Eddie vs. Rey. They had been partners but Eddie never could beat Rey one on one. Eventually Eddie started talking about Rey’s son Dominic and said he was going to tell Dominic a story. Rey said don’t do it and so Eddie wanted one more match. If Eddie wins, he gets to tell Dominic the story.

Rey and his son pray before the match. Dominic follows the time honored tradition of speaking Spanish and then repeating it in English like he’s in a high school class.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio

Cole apologizes for being biased in this match. That’s chuckle worthy given what would come from Cole in like 5 years. Dominic is at ringside and the fans are behind Eddie. Eddie forces a handshake and Rey is getting madder and madder. Rey finally snaps and hammers away as the bell rings. He gets things going and hits the bulldog for two. We keep stopping so Eddie can smile at Dominic.

Eddie goes up but gets crotched and Rey snaps off a hurricanrana. This time Guerrero crotches Rey but Rey counters with a rana and hits the 619 to the ribs. Seated senton gets two. Eddie rolls to the floor to panic a bit then goes up to Dominic. Rey finally remembers that his mortal enemy is hugging his son and goes out for the save. Eddie hides behind him and tells Rey to get on his knees and beg.

Rey of course does and Eddie of course blasts him, because good guys are idiots in wrestling. Cole goes on a rant about how Eddie is getting off on this manipulation. Eddie is dominating here and not much is going on. Rey is basically fighting on instinct and trying to stay alive. Keep in mind that this whole match is based on the idea that if Eddie, the evil psychopathic villain loses, he gives his word he won’t say something. I mean you KNOW he’d never lie about that right?

Gory Stretch is on but Rey counters. He can’t follow up though and Eddie sends him to the floor. Eddie goes after Dominic and Rey speeds up again, taking over with a few shots. Rey grabs a tornado DDT for two. 619 hits but Eddie avoids the Dropping the Dime. Three Amigos hit but Rey rolls away before Eddie jumps for the Frog Splash. He makes it Six Amigos and the last one is a brainbuster. Now the Frog Splash hits but Eddie would rather look at Dominic, allowing Rey to roll him up for the pin.

Rating: C. The problem here is that the match runs about 15 minutes and about three of those minutes were spent looking at Dominic or Eddie stalking him. The problem is that this was based too much on emotion and the match was pretty much devoid of energy or interest. Naturally this feud would continue as Eddie would reveal that he’s the father of Dominic, setting up the line of “the following contest is for the custody of Dominic!”

Eddie freaks out post match.

JBL, wearing a patriotic vest that Apollo Creed would look at and say “yo dude tone it down”, says he’ll win the title which the Buffalo Bills couldn’t do. He’s a great American don’t you know.

Torrie Wilson vs. Melina

Bra and panties rules and Candace Michelle is guest referee for no apparent reason. I’m not particularly going to bother talking about this, because it has nothing to do with wrestling at all. Torrie does look good in pink pants though. She actually puts on an abdominal stretch and pulls the top off of Melina. Melina kicks her to the floor and takes over. Torrie loses her shirt too. Candace has had nothing at all to do in this match. And there go Torrie’s pants. I’m not rating this but they looked good.

Candace strips Melina to end this. She also strips herself. This would be better if they both weren’t in Playboy.

We recap the main event. Cena had been drafted to Raw so there was no champion. There was a six man elimination match to crown a new champion and JBL won it. Then right after it was over Teddy announced that Batista had signed to Smackdown somehow. JBL didn’t get the title but he gets the title shot here instead. Batista said he saw a bully in JBL and he’s here to stand up to the bully. Batista cost JBL a match with the Blue Meanie.

Smackdown World Title: Batista vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

JBL gets a full police escorted motorcade from outside into the arena. Once in the arena, we get confetti and JBL is handing out small American flags. Batista is mad over. He was significantly ahead of Cena at this point but Johnny was coming up fast. JBL is looking thicker here. Not fat, but thick. Ok maybe it is just fat. Big Dave takes over with power to start as they have about 20 minutes here.

They go to the floor for a bit and they fight over a suplex coming back in. JBL clotheslines him on the top, and then we get the scary part. JBL jumps off with a clothesline and Batista catches him like it’s nothing. THAT. SHOULD. NOT. HAPPEN. Back in Batista’s shoulder goes into the post and a big boot knocks him to the floor. They go onto the announce table and both guys are down.

Jibbles takes over, hammering away with the power game. He gets a flying fist off the table which gets two back in the ring. There are some elbow drops and then a sleeper. JBL’s red white and blue wrist tape is downright keen. The sleeper goes on for about a minute or so which should kill Batista but in wrestling, it’s just a way for him to get a breather. Finally he suplexes out of it and both guys are down.

A Batista charge sends him to the floor and he goes into the steps. Then he goes into the post so one steel object won’t feel left out. It’s always steel. Why is that? Anyway a big boot by JBL misses and a clothesline puts the Texan in the crowd. A spinebuster hits but the referee was bumped. Jordan comes out and gets decked too.

The Bomb is loaded up but Jordan cracks him with a chair. That only gets two of course because thank goodness we’re not getting another JBL title reign. The Clothesline gets two and the second attempt is countered into a spinebuster and then a powerslam. And then Jordan comes in with a chair. Batista cracks Jordan and then JBL with it and that’s good for the DQ.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t horrible, but man they needed something else for an ending. The problem here is that no one bought that JBL had a chance. They go twenty minutes for an ending that we already knew was coming, and then we have a weak DQ ending involving Orlando Jordan. That’s not how you end a show, especially after how badly this shown has gone already.

Post match Batista freaks out and kills everyone with powerbombs. The rematch would be a street fight.

Overall Rating: D-. I reviewed this show all in one day. Now usually that isn’t the case and I do part of a PPV review in one day and then more of it on the next. Sometimes it takes parts of three days, but today I did it in one. I had to look at the card again after the main event because I couldn’t remember what happened on it. That’s how forgettable this show was. Those kind of shows are far worse than a horrible one because there’s nothing you can to complain about and nothing all that interesting. Horribly dull show and I can see why this series is hated so much.

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