Clash of the Champions Count-Up – #32: Hogan Is Boring

Clash of the Champions 32
Date: January 23, 1996
Location: Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas, Nevada
Attendance: 3,100
Commentators: Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

Ok so we’re just into the Nitro Era here by about four months and also about four months away from the NWO debuting. Hogan is feuding with the Giant and Flair is feuding with Savage. Well that sure sounds like a tag team main event to me! Of course that’s what it is, but other than that there isn’t much here. This is a weird time for WCW as nothing is really going on either here or in WWF, which is why the NWO was such a huge deal. Let’s get to it and see how boring it really was.

Last night Savage won the world title on Nitro. Savage then said what he should have said 8 years earlier, calling out Hogan for celebrating with him as it was SAVAGE that won, not Hogan. Luger and Sting also won the tag belts the night before, but Luger used a foreign object. According to Tony Luger won them both the world title but I’d bet on him just being an idiot.

We run down the card and we’re finally ready to go. Wait never mind as we need to talk a bit more first.

We go to the Little White Chapel where Colonel Parker and Sherri are going to get married tonight. Oh I remember this one. This doesn’t end well.

Public Enemy vs. Nasty Boys

This is a bad dream right? This match couldn’t really be happening. When the Nasty Boys are the better team from a technical standpoint, that’s a VERY bad sign. What exactly is a Nasty Sensation? We pipe in some Nasty chants and let’s get to it. Of course it’s a brawl to start us out, and why would you expect anything else? Rocko gets crotched on the railing which should sum up the rest of the match. Sags walks off and comes back with a table.

And remember, Bischoff stole NOTHING from ECW. Not a single thing. It’s in the ring and there is no semblance of anything resembling anything. Rock hits a standing moonsault onto Knobbs and Heenan is losing his mind over this. They set up a table and there’s the DQ. Rocco and Knobbs go through a table. Sags THROWS a table at Grunge and hits him in the head.

Rating: C. We’re going with average because I have no idea if this was good or not. As a match it’s more or less non-existent but as a wild fight it’s great. I really have no idea what to call this one, but at least it’s over. I will give them this: they didn’t try to make this a match, which is the smartest thing they could have done.

Here are Flair and the Giant. Flair says the title loss means nothing and he’ll get Savage back tonight. Giant’s promos from this era are just hilariousness poured into a bottle and then sprayed out on the microphone.

Giant’s promos from this era are just hilariousness poured into a bottle and then sprayed out on the microphone.

Alex Wright vs. Dean Malenko

Malenko had Wright in the Cloverleaf on Saturday night but refused to let it go when Wright got to the ropes which almost hurt Wright. This starts off as a gymnast routine, which makes me think that Malenko’s athleticism is underrated. You can see Bischoff’s stuff coming through here with the light weight guys that are brand new and just trying to make an impact here. They botch a Dragon Screw Leg Whip and it looks PAINFUL.

Wright’s knee looked like Frank Gore’s from the Miami Hurricanes in I believe 01. And then Wright forgets that his knee is hurt but he hits a nice diving Cross Body. Now we get to a problem: Wright does sell the knee, but on a top rope suplex so he more or less falls off the top and drops Malenko. Is there a point to half of Wright’s moves and jumps? Malenko kicks the heck out of his knee and jackknifes him for the pin.

Rating: D+. That’s all for Malenko here as Wright was pretty much worthless. His knee selling was about as come and go as you could ask for while Malenko went for the knee the whole time and then used it for the finish. I can’t ask for more than that. Actually I can and it would be a competent opponent. That’s odd since he usually was pretty good for a decent match.

Taskmaster vs. Disco Inferno

….the heck? Who in the world thought this was a good idea for a match? Here’s a fat Elvis impersonator before Disco comes out. That song is freaking CATCHY. He has a singing telegram for Taskmaster. He’s dancing at the Colonel’s wedding so he’s sorry. Elvis gets beaten up by the Boston Midget. Oh dear.

We go back to the chapel and Bunkhouse Buck and Dick Slater are here.

Sting and Luger are here. Luger keeps avoiding a question about the foreign object. Here are the Road Warriors, in blue spikes of all things. They want a title shot and Sting says yes. Luger says no. This would go on for a LONG time. Luger makes excuses and Hawk wants the shot.

We hear about Orndorff having a neck injury and needing surgery which would end his career. That’s legit actually, but they made it into an angle anyway. Orndorff was working with a psychic or something like that but he talks about the Horsemen who had been mean to him. Those horrible people. He talks about how the Horsemen don’t know about injuries or something. Orndorff meant nothing for about ten years at this point but he was Hogan’s buddy so here we are.

Apparently he didn’t want to be a Horseman which is stupid. He didn’t want to be in a gang, which is why he was in the Heenan Family twice. We see the Horsemen giving him a spike piledriver on the floor. DANG he sounds whiny here. And look: the psychic is here.

More wedding stuff as the groom is just getting here. Parker says he’s lost all of his money and then answers the phone and says it’s his little fried pie. This doesn’t end well.

Brian Pillman vs. Eddie Guerrero

Man that Horsemen music is awesome. Pillman is the Loose Cannon at this point and is awesome. He’s also not hurt here so he’s still great in the ring. Eddie has only been in WCW for about two months here so he’s not really that well known. Pillman is still completely insane here and that’s about to play an important role here. And there it is. Pillman goes to the floor and grabs Bobby Heenan, who clearly says what the heck are you doing to me?

The problem is that he has a VERY bad neck and wasn’t allowed to ever be touched. Pillman didn’t know this and grabbed him, legitimately freaking Bobby the heck out, completely understandably. He apologized on air and Brian did the same backstage. Everything was cool but it was still a very legitimately scary moment for Heenan. The match more or less stops due to Heenan, and then soon after it Pillman rolls him up with the tights for the pin.

Rating: N/A. With the whole thing being thrown out of whack like it was this wouldn’t be fair to give a normal grade to. The match wasn’t bad or anything, but it was clear that this wasn’t what it was supposed to be. That just wasn’t supposed to happen and that’s ok at the end of the day I guess as it happens.

Hogan, Savage and Kevin Greene are here. Hogan talks about how everything is great and this is all about Hogan, despite Savage winning the title the night before. Greene was a football player that tried to wrestle a bit and all things considered, he wasn’t awful. He’s in the Super Bowl on Sunday and he’s here why? The Cowboys won by the way. Liz is the secret weapon tonight but she would turn on Savage at SuperBrawl. They argue over who gets to take Liz out after the match tonight. Oh dear.

Tag Titles: Blue Bloods vs. Sting/Lex Luger

The Blue Bloods are Bobby Eaton and Steven (William) Regal. They’re your standard old school annoying British guys. Think Jake and Jonny B and make them wrestlers. Sting and Regal start. They had a mini-feud in 94-95 which was decent. Sting pretends to be British which is rather funny. Tony thinks Luger has a split personality. Oh dear. Luger hits a terrible backdrop on Eaton on the floor. This whole Earl of Eaton thing was just bad but he’s a great tag wrestler so there we go.

They go to the corner and Regal screams at Luger to UNHAND HIM. I love that line. Eaton hits a top rope knee drop on Luger. Wow I skipped a lot there. Luger is in the Regal Stretch but that doesn’t last long. They kind of botch a powerslam spot but to be fair Luger could be selling which is fine. After Sting comes in, heel miscommunication leads to Eaton tapping to the Scorpion.

Rating: C-. This is as standard of a TV match as you could ask for. It’s nothing great at all but it is perfectly acceptable wrestling. Sting and Luger would be the champions for a few months until the NWO cost them the belts. This would go forever and would end with no real ending.

Sherri arrives at the wedding and is mad at Parker for losing all of his money. She hates all of this as it’s now going to be a drive-thru wedding because he’s broke.

Pillman comes out and threatens to say Carlin’s Seven Words You Can’t Say On Television. Ok then. More or less he’s insane and threatens to do whatever he wants to do. He talks about Orndorff and that’s it.

Mexican Heavyweight Title: Konnan vs. Psicosis

Tenay is here of course. Psicosis is BRAND new here and I don’t know if he’s ever appeared here yet. Konnan comes out to some strange music here as we’re told that he was at Starrcade 1990, which is true as well as a bit odd to me for no apparent reason. We keep hearing about how big of a star Konnan is in Mexico, and apparently that’s true, but it’s not like he’s a major success. Still though, what he did was indeed impressive.

And now we’re down on the mat. Sure why not. We also get a reference to the Billionaire Ted skits that were airing in WWF at the time. Allegedly they were the skits that got Turner to open his pockets, although the jokes that it was all about old guys in WCW proved to be absolutely right. This is a very boring match in case you were wondering why I’m not talking about it that much. Psicosis hits a great suicide dive to the floor and then they’re both up shortly thereafter.

Konnan hits a German and then does a weird looking submission hold where he hooks the legs like a reverse figure four but ties the arms in also. He then doesn’t do anything but pose, which is good enough for a submission. It’s called the Zip Lock apparently. Ok then. Never seen him use that before or since.

Rating: D. Oh this was just bad. There was nothing interesting at all and a total of one high spot. This could have been solid but I just sat there hoping it ended soon. It was just over five minutes so I can’t complain that much. Rey would debut in about six months and get some real high flying stuff going then, but that was a long time away.

Sherri is getting dressed in the back of a limo and Parker is still trying to get money out of Gene. Gene will be walking her down the driveway. Oh dear.

After a break he does just that and mentions the phone call from earlier, but Sherri says she hasn’t talked to him today. Oh this isn’t going to end well. Sherri is in this idiotic looking red dress with a head thing behind her head like a massive collar. Disco Inferno is dancing and I have to give him this: he never half did his gimmick. Not once. In what might be a joke, Parker’s full name is Colonel Robert Andy Parker: C.R.A.P.

As we’re about to get to the vows, here’s Madusa who gets in a BIG fight with Sherri. Apparently Parker has been cheating or something, which led to a horrendous match with Madusa vs. Parker at Uncensored. Big old fight and no one cares. Disco steals the champagne in a funny bit.

Ric Flair/The Giant vs. Randy Savage/Hulk Hogan

Despite the Giant having had like 5 matches up to this point, he’s a legend. Sure why not. Hart is now Gentleman Jimmy Hart for no apparent reason other than Michael Buffer is an idiot. Giant is fresh off dying at Halloween Havoc as I need a stiff drink. Hogan is billed at 273. WOW. They have Kevin Greene and FIVE women with them. Ok then. So the faces have a total of 8 people with them. Sure why not. AND LIZ MAKES NINE.

DUDE. Buffer has to tell us to welcome her. That’s not a good sign. Savage and Flair start us off. Apparently Flair got on Greene during the break. Something not that well known: Flair played college football at Minnesota and had an offer to Michigan. Greene comes in and has a showdown or something but Flair declines. Can we like, wrestle? Hogan beats up Flair on the floor as the faces dominate to start. And here’s the Giant, so I’m thinking a lot just changed. Make that Hogan vs. Giant.

We argue about Hogan vs. Andre since this match isn’t interesting enough obviously. It’s all Giant here and he misses an elbow before I finish typing that line. Hogan slams him and then Flair comes in to get beaten up since he’s Hulk Hogan and he’s Ric Flair. Savage comes in and Liz somehow gets the credit for their success so far. Ok then.

Hart throws something in to Flair and he nails Savage with it for the pin. The Dungeon and the Horsemen come in for the beatdown but it doesn’t work thanks to the POWER OF GREENE!

Rating: C-. It’s a main event tag match between the guys in the double main event at the PPV. What else were you really expecting here? It’s nothing special but I guess it was a preview of the PPV so there we are. Could have been FAR worse so I’ll give it that, which isn’t much but whatever.

Overall Rating: F+. WOW this was boring. It’s two hours of my life that I’ll never get back and that’s rarely something I say. This just has nothing at all going on, which to be fair could be said about the whole company at this time. Just a boring show with nothing going on for it at all. Stay away from this as well as from the PPV that it was previewing. Awful show.

 

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