Uncensored 1995: They’re Fighting In A Truck. On A Road. For Hours.

Uncensored 1995
Date: March 19, 1995
Location: Tupelo Coliseum, Tupelo, Mississippi
Attendance: 5,782
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

So here we are at what managed to win back to back worst show of the year awards from Meltzer: Uncensored. The idea is WCW has washed their hands of the show which is stupid for reasons I’ve gone into already in other rants. Anyway, this is really just a continuation of the last show and not a lot has really changed. The main event is still Hogan vs. Vader and other than that there’s not a lot to talk about on this one. This show does however feature perhaps the dumbest idea in wrestling history that resulted in Goldust, so let’s get to it.

Again, Nitro doesn’t exist yet so this isn’t your traditional show.

Opening video is just about how everything is different now and there are no rules. It’s your standard thing. Apparently we are packed to the rafters here. There aren’t even 6,000 people there so that’s a stretch if there ever has been one. Heenan dates the show by saying Jordan just came back to the NBA and Tyson is about to get out of prison. Oh this is the debut of the Renegade. Oh dear it’s THAT show.

Blacktop Bully vs. Dustin Rhodes

For some reason WCW thought this was a good idea. See if you can figure this out: they’re in the back of a truck driving around Atlanta. The winner is the first person to get to the end of the truck and pull a horn. Both guys bladed which was illegal at the time and were fired for it. There are bales of hay in the back of it also. Yep, WCW isn’t a hick company AT ALL. Oh hey let’s get a police escort and a helicopter too.

This must have been SO fun for the people in the arena. I mean my goodness: SOMEONE GOT PAID FOR THIS!!! The problem here is that no one can actually stand up at all as they’re IN A MOVING TRUCK! Two idiots have to actually sit in the cab and watch this. Seriously, WHO CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA??? Yep there goes the sunlight. Oh I forgot to mention: this has been edited to heck and back so the light changes about every 5 seconds.

Hey, let’s run a stop sign on film and show a shot of the truck driver for no apparent reason. They aren’t even really fighting. It’s them wandering from one end of the truck to another and hitting the other guy with a bale of hay. And all of a sudden Dustin is 8 feet away from where he was a second ago. Not to mention they had to rent the truck. The camera work here is crap as we can’t let anyone see blood. Nothing dumb about this AT ALL.

They actually call this a match. I’m stunned. Hey something good happens for once: the camera in the helicopter breaks up. Someone up there likes me. Oh hey, let’s sit on the side of a moving truck and hang off the side while a guy punches me. Nothing bad can happen from this. This has been going on over 8 minutes and they might have interacted for 50 seconds total. Other than that it’s stumbling around and trying to grab the stupid horn.

It’s also gotten lighter so apparently this has gone on all night. It certainly feels like it. They’re up on the beam together and Dustin gets knocked off, allowing the Bully to pull the horn and win I guess. In the arena fireworks go off. This is a BAD idea already isn’t it?

Rating: H. As in HOLY GOODNESS WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE THEY FREAKING SMOKING TO COME UP WITH THIS????? Do I even need to make fun of this? Dustin took off and put on his shirt twice, yet you never saw him do it once. See what I’m working with here?

We go to the Stud Stable, which is Colonel Parker, Meng and the TV Champion Arn Anderson who for no apparent reason is wearing what would become the Cruiserweight Title. Apparently he has a boxer vs. wrestler match with Johnny B. Badd. Meng is having a martial arts match with Duggan. This could be a REALLY long night.

We recap Meng vs. Duggan. Short version: Duggan ran into Parker and Meng beat him up. This is set to Rey Mysterio’s music for no apparent reason.

Jim Duggan vs. Meng

Ok so even more non wrestling. Good to know. The fans, having sat around over twenty minutes at this point watching a single small screen, are shockingly dead. Duggan is all taped up as this show is giving me a migraine. Sonny Onoo, not yet a stereotyped Japanese tourist that would sue WCW over it, is the guest referee. Duggan is in street clothes. You can win by pin or knockout apparently.

On a random note that is far more interesting, this was one of Austin’s last match with the company before heading to ECW. It was a dark match that I didn’t mention already. There’s no point to it at all. I’m just bored. Another dark match was Stars N Stripes vs. Bunkhouse Buck and Dick Slater. Can I watch that match instead? They point out that Duggan knows nothing about martial arts. My head hurts.

We’ve been walking around for three minutes now waiting on Duggan to bow. Meng kicks him once and then poses. Duggan’s punching doesn’t work so he takes his boot off to beat Meng with it, which also does nothing at all. The match goes like this: Meng hits him, Duggan walks around, Meng knocks him down, Duggan gets up, Duggan can’t hurt Meng, repeat.

We’re at the third nerve hold of the match. The guy is allegedly a killing machine so let’s have him rub Duggan’s neck instead. Heenan says Duggan has held a lot of titles. Name two. Duggan does the ten punches in the corner, and all of them go into the shoulder. That’s brilliant isn’t it? Meng no sells the Three Point Clothesline. HE GOT UP FROM A CLOTHESLINE! HOW FREAKING TOUGH IS HE??? A kick to the head ends it.

Rating: F-. And that’s being generous. This was a regular match with a guest referee, period. Seriously, whose idea was this show anyway? I freaking don’t get it. This is the closest thing to a match we’ve had and that’s not saying anything at all.

We recap Anderson vs. Johnny B. Badd. Anderson stole the TV Title from him and then cheated (you expected something else) to keep the title. Finally on Saturday Night, Badd interfered in a match Anderson had with Alex Wright. Now you have to remember something around this time: Badd’s character was gay without actually saying he was gay.

This is the character that says he was so pretty he should have been a little girl. So on Saturday Night ha literally sauntered out (think of the run that Sunny used to do) in powder blue tights (WAY too small) and boxing gloves to knock Anderson out. Since you know, THAT HURTS SO MUCH MORE THAN A FIST.

Badd says that tonight is a disadvantage to him. He has a boxing trainer that I refuse to believe is a real human being.

We get a clip of Anderson in the middle of nowhere in a Jeep or something talking. These kinds of promos are the things I based Night Vision on for the three people that got that reference. Anderson looks like a bad teacher from a stereotypical high school.

Arn Anderson vs. Johnny B. Badd

This is billed as boxer vs. wrestler. We have rounds here so this is closer to an MMA fight in a weird screwed up way. In other words, 40 minutes into the show and we still haven’t had an actual wrestling match. The rounds are three minutes with a minute between each. You can win by pinfall, submission or knockout. Oh this is going to be bad isn’t it? This is dumb already as it’s just Badd punching him and making Arn look stupid.

The problem is he would do this all the time in regular matches but doesn’t, and guys get punched all the time and it doesn’t do much at all, yet here Badd is wearing gloves and it’s more effective? This is just stupid. They have random stops like in boxing which is ever stupider. Crowd is DEAD mind you. Anderson has gone down three times this round. It’s been totally one sided. And yep, Anderson jumps him in the rest period and hits his DDT.

Naturally Anderson is in worse shape than Badd is after taking the TV Champion’s finishing move. Since there are no DQs Anderson beats on him some more. Anderson is finally dominating here but using jobber offense for the most part. The stool is used and here’s Badd’s manager to help him which of course fails beyond belief. Third round ends with Anderson beating the heck out of him. And Badd has his glove cut off and the trainer puts a bucket on Arn’s head. A big left hand ends it. I hate this show. I truly do.

Rating: F. Again, why is nonsense like this on a WRESTLING show? We’re 54 minutes into the show and there’s been a thing about blowing the horn of a truck, martial arts and boxing/MMA. What am I watching?

A highlight package of Savage leads to an interview with Savage. He admits he doesn’t know what he’s saying. Holy cocaine Batman!

Randy Savage vs. Avalanche

Earthquake in case you were wondering. Yes, we’re getting a wrestling match, AN HOUR INTO THE SHOW! Something tells me this is going to be very formula based. This is really basic stuff for the most part just like I thought it would be. Avalanche throws a dropkick of all things and to stun me, it’s not half bad. This is about what you would expect: Savage gets beaten up, he makes a quick comeback and it doesn’t work, repeat.

They’ve been fighting ten minutes now and that’s all there is to say about it. Savage jumps from the top to the floor with the double axe to knock him down. And Ric Flair in drag jumps the railing and beats up Avalanche. This ends it BY DISQUALIFICATION, at UNCENSORED, meaning NO RULES. Hogan makes the save.

Rating: D+. Match of the night by about 1000% so far. Know why that is? BECAUSE THIS WAS AN ACTUAL MATCH! There’s nothing at all special here but it’s not terrible I guess. This was a match you didn’t see in WWF so that’s always a perk. Nothing great, but by comparison this was Flair vs. Steamboat.

Harlem Heat have a match with the Nasty Boys and it’s Texas Tornado Rules. Just remember: no RULES tonight. Sherri really was decent on the mic.

We recap Bubba (Boss Man) vs. Sting. Boss Man turned heel because he blamed Sting for him losing a match. Sting, looking very odd for some reason, shouts a lot. I’ll say this: John Cena wishes he had the charisma Sting had. Rip me apart.

Big Bubba Rogers vs. Sting

This is a SUPER CONTEST apparently. Ok then. This should be decent actually. I want Bubba’s hat and Sting drops a leg on it and throws it to the crowd. Apparently being Uncensored allows for Sting to destroy Bubba’s personal property. They badly botch a crotch reversal spot on the post where Sting was supposed to pull his legs in so Bubba went face first into the post but the legs came loose and Bubba had to ram himself.

Sting hurts his leg on a leapfrog so there’s your story of the match. When something works as well as that, why mess with it? We get a rest hold, but at least it makes sense here. Bubba likes to stand around way too much. Sting gets a massive pop for a right hand. He was so over it was scary. We get a Captain Planet reference, making this match awesome. This is more or less Sting has a bad knee, Bubba has generic offense.

Sting hits a splash from the top for two, and I never stop loving those things. That man could JUMP. Sting goes for a slam and Bubba falls on him…for the pin? That came from NOWHERE. Even the guy didn’t expect it as there’s a long gap between the pin and the bell.

Rating: D+. Again boring but again not bad. This wasn’t bad really but it needed a lot more to be worth anything. It’s sad when a boring match is a breath of fresh air. This is already a failure of a show so there we are.

We recap Nasty Boys vs. Harlem Heat. How are the Nastys still on TV today? More or less they just fight each other. There’s not much more than that.

Nasty Boys vs. Harlem Heat

Remember it’s Texas Tornado rules. What does Kerry Von Erich have to do with this? And we have no Harlem Heat. Sherri goes to get them and of course they jump the Nastys from behind. Wait this is non title? Why? Why in the world wouldn’t this be for the belts? Oh I guess it’s the UNCENSORED thing. The no rules thing kind of helps here as it hides a lot of the faults of the Nasty Boys.

One of these faults would be no selling, as Jerry gets kicked in the FACE and just walks away. And here’s Sherri being brought in to make it really intense I guess. We brawl to the concession stand, and any real old school fan gets this instantly. Back in 1975 in this area (mainly Tennessee though), two teams had an EPIC rivalry: the Blonde Bombers (Wayne “Honky Tonk Man” Ferris and Larry “Moondog Spot” Latham) and Jerry Lawler and Bill Dundee (Jerry Lawler and Bill Dundee).

One night in Tupelo there was a controversial decision over the Southern tag titles where the Bombers, the heels, won the belts but the referee might have blown the call. The faces jumped them to end the show, and then later we saw what happened afterwards. These four fought into the concession stands with ketchup and mustard going everywhere. Now I know it sounds stupid and corny, but this was more or less the standard for violence until ECW came along.

I mean they ATTACKED each other and it felt real almost. Go find a copy of it as it’s well worth seeing, if nothing else from a historical perspective. So anyway, this brawl is a reference/homage to that event. Here’s the problem: that was 20 years earlier and I don’t think many people get the point. To them this is just four guys acting like idiots and it’s a comedy match. Sherri actually does look good in the leather.

See, now we’re getting to the other problem: this is boring. And we get a bell without seeing a pin. The Nasty Boys win apparently. Ok then. A replay shows that it was a powerslam from Knobbs with Stevie kicking out at the last second but the three going down anyway, another Tupelo reference.

Rating: F+. This was just bad. I get what they were going for here but it just didn’t work at all. That’s the problem here: this was just boring. It was supposed to
be a reference to a classic angle but the problem is that it came off as a really bad comedy match.

Vader and Flair yell at Hogan. Flair still has eyeliner on.

Hogan says he has an ULTIMATE surprise. Heaven help me.

Vader vs. Hulk Hogan

This is again non-title. Flair and Vader are both in the ring and the RENEGADE comes out. The idea was let’s have a guy dressed up like Warrior that kind of looks like him run around a lot and maybe some people will really think it’s him. The problem is this guy is like 5’8 or so while Warrior was 6’3. He looks like he’s in a Halloween costume or something. I’m pretty sure this is the four corners version but it’s not really made clear.

For about the 1000th time tonight we’re told IT’S UNCENSORED!!! Yep it’s four corners variety. Vader beats up Hogan for the most part until Jimmy Hart runs out. He had been missing all day in a bad storyline, leading to nothing at all. Renegade beats up Flair for the third time tonight. Vader makes another comeback and beats up Hogan, leading to his powerbomb. And of course Hogan is up in seconds.

He hits all four corners after beating up Vader. OR DOES HE??? He gets three and a masked man runs out (second in about 6 months. Have to love this original booking right?) and blasts Renegade before he gets to the fourth. There’s no referee for this whole thing mind you. Vader misses a front flip from the middle rope and lands on the chair. Where are all these wooden chairs coming from?

Vader isn’t hooked to the strap anymore so Hogan beats up Flair to make sure the universe is in order. He hooks up Flair and drags him instead I guess to win the match. If that was the case, why even tie up Flair? The Masked Man is back with a chair.

We cut to the entrance ramp to see Arn Anderson in the Masked Man’s outfit minus the mask tied at his hands and feet more or less hopping towards the ring. The Masked Man in the ring beats up Flair and Vader before revealing himself to be Savage. The trip of steroid freaks celebrate to end this mess.

Rating: G. Hogan, seriously, how big is your ego? I want to know. Let’s see. Flair: greatest world champion of all time arguably. Hogan has him in drag and being crazy, not to mention jobbing to Hogan twice, one of which was when Hogan hadn’t wrestled for a year or so.

Then we have Vader, who was built up for a year or so as the unstoppable heel and he jobs to Hogan twice in three months. Is there a point coming anytime soon? This is why Hogan wound up getting booed so often: he refused to ever lose. Yes he was the biggest star ever, but you have to lose once in awhile man.

Overall Rating: O. As in oh what do you think I’m going to give this show? This is freaking terrible. The thing is though, the idea actually isn’t that bad: a hardcore PPV. The problem is it was about as thrown together as you could ask for. None of the gimmicks made any sense and the regular matches were boring. Also the main event being non title makes it sound weak.

If the title isn’t going to change hands, why should I want to see this show? Nothing is going to change as nothing is up for grabs, so why would I really want to see this? The point of PPVs are to have big time matches that end feuds, and this didn’t do that. Also, I know I complain about Hogan in TNA a lot, but this right here is a prime example of why I do that. Look at this main event and show as a whole.

The Nasty Boys go over Harlem Heat, the world tag champions. Hogan makes Vader and Flair look like fools. Hogan celebrates the win again, and the crowd is dead. This would be the trend for the next year until at Uncensored 96 the Doomsday Cage Match happened and Hogan was so universally hated for it that the company had no other option than to turn him heel, because, you know, he couldn’t just be taken off TV and have Sting and Flair and Savage and Giant put on the TV show right? That’s crazy talk. Ignore this completely as it’s terrible.
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4 comments

  1. Jerichoholic94 says:

    Is the stupid truck match the worst opener you’ve ever seen?

    klunderbunker Reply:

    Off the top of my head, yeah it is.

    Jerichoholic94 Reply:

    Surprised you went with O and not agoobwa

    klunderbunker Reply:

    I don’t think that had been invented yet.