Thought of the Day: Pitching Impact To A Potential TNA Fan

This is what selling TNA to a fan might sound like right about now.Dude you should totally watch Impact Wrestling.  They have this guy named AJ Styles who does the most awesome flips and dives and has the best matches in the world.


Potential fan: That sounds cool.  Which one is he?


Oh well actually he left after turning down money and a car and implied sex with a not terrible looking woman.  But he’s champion and the best in the world!


Potential fan: But I can’t see him?


You might be able to if you don’t mind listening to Spanish or Japanese commentary.


Potential fan: HUH?


Never mind.  Oh I know you’ll love this: TNA has this thing called the X Division which has no limits on it at all.  Everybody is all about leaving it all in the ring and giving everything they have to be champion.  They fly around and have to crawl across ropes to pull down a title belt.


Potential fan: Now that has to be cool.  When are they on?


Actually scratch that since they weren’t on TV this week because Impact needed more time to spend on the not bad looking older woman.  Wait I almost forgot the best part!  There’s this team called Aces and 8’s and they’re just like Sons of Anarchy and they ride on motorcycles and beat up everyone!


Potential TNA fan: I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy.


Uh……Oh there’s this guy there named EC3 who is just like Robert Griffith III.


Potential TNA fan: He’s my favorite player on my favorite team.  Ok so I need to look for the black guy named EC3.  He has to be cool.


Actually he’s white.


Potential TNA fan: But he’s more athletic than everyone else right?


…..not especially.


Potential TNA fan: He represents Washington DC though?


If the DC stands for Directly from Cleveland he does!


Potential TNA fan: Nicest guy in the company?


Actually he looks to be one of the new top heels.  He’s the nephew of the older lady who isn’t bad looking.


Potential TNA fan: … he recovering from knee surgery?


YES!  I can indeed assure you that he had his knee operated on last year and is at least mostly back to full strength!


Potential TNA fan: So to recap, you want me to watch a show where to see the best guy in the world I need to watch other companies, I should be a fan of Sons of Anarchy, the high flying dudes weren’t even on last week, the show is apparently dominated by a woman that isn’t that bad looking and there’s a guy who is supposed to be like RG3 because he’s the polar opposite of him?


……did I mention Sting is still there and Hulk Hogan might come back?  And Sting can almost bend over still!




The worst part: this isn’t meant as a parody.


  1. Killjoy says:

    You’ve got too much time on your hands.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    Eh I usually come up with these ideas in the shower. Also, I don’t think you really get how deep my obsession with wrestling goes.

  2. Phalluster says:

    Robert Griffin sucks. He’s closer to Hulk Hogan, another guy who can barely run now that his knees have been destroyed. Will the Hulkster magically heal up and return for his weekly 20 minute segment?

    Kaz and Daniels are the top reason to watch an Impact.

    M.R. Reply:

    Clearly you haven’t watched RGIII these past few weeks, he’s rounding back into form nicely. The guy had knee surgery, how about giving him some time to fully heal up rather than just blurting out ROBERT GRIFFIN SUCKS.

    Phalluster Reply:

    Nice try, fanboy. You want a mulligan after that stinker he pitched against the porous Broncos secondary? Five rushes for seven yards, sacked three times, three turnovers, 50% completion. I think Hogan still takes spots better than that these days.

    M.R. Reply:

    Not even a DC fan, actually. But a second year quarterback having a subpar game? Color me SHOCKED.