King of the Ring 2000: Not Even 2000 Was Perfect

King of the Ring 2000
Date: June 25, 2000
Location: Fleet Center, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 17,651
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Thirty two people. That’s how many are in this year’s tournament. They’ve widdled it down to eight for this, but DANG man, 32 initially in it? Anyway, the Radicals being here is probably the biggest change to things. Angle and Jericho are here as well, so the roster has certainly changed a lot. WCW is just waiting to be put out of its misery as no one is watching and fewer people care.

This is a decent bad looking card though as there’s the tournament, a four team elimination match and the main event is a six man tag where the belt is on the line. HHH won it the previous month at Judgment Day where Taker returned as the biker. There’s not a lot going on here other than that, so let’s get to it.

We get a quick recap of the tournament history which is always a cool thing. Other than that we have a thing on the title with HHH saying the belt is the most important thing in his life. I think that would actually be Stephanie who wouldn’t have the title without him. Ok that’s nonsense but I have to say it at least once a year by law. Here are your brackets:

Kurt Angle
Chris Jericho

Crash Holly
Bull Buchanan

Rikishi
Chris Benoit

Val Venis
Eddie Guerrero

That doesn’t sound half bad.

KOTR Quarterfinals: Rikishi vs. Chris Benoit

Rikishi just won the IC Title from Benoit as his completely unexplainable push continues before he was made top heel in the fall which failed worse than a flimsy bra on Trish Stratus. Benoit beat him up after the match so he might be a bit hurt. The Canadian beat Road Dogg and X-Pac while Dusty Rhodes’ partner in the fat that ate Cleveland beat Shane McMahon and Scotty Too Hotty. Benoit manages to suplex Rikishi which is rather impressive.

There’s a Chris Benoit sign that says this isn’t a Chris Benoit sign. I hate stupid fans. The Crossface is hooked but the fat man thinks the ropes are Twizzlers and grabs them, hoping to eat them. And then Benoit gets a chair and beats on Rikishi with it, ending this very quickly thank goodness. Another Crossface follows and referees break it up. Benoit goes up and splits them all up with a headbutt and puts the hold on Rikishi again, much to my delight.

Rating: C+. In a match that goes three minutes or so and most of it is Rikishi being hurt, I’m certainly happy. There wasn’t much here but it got through some time I guess. The whole thing here though is that the fat man got hurt so I’m happy.

Linda says she’s going to have to do something drastic.

The heels say that they should be worried about Linda but Vince isn’t worried at all.

We get a replay of Rikishi being beaten. I love this.

Benoit says he’s the best and no one can stop him.

KOTR Quarterfinals: Val Venis vs. Eddie Guerrero

Chyna looks great, but Trish looks better. This should be fine I guess. Venis hurt Eddie on Smackdown even though he looks fine here. Trish more or less wears a one piece swimsuit and a coat so I’m happy. Val beat Al Snow and Jeff Hardy while Eddie beat Matt Hardy and Chyna. Eddie has just gotten back from his arm injury that he got in one of his first matches in the company.

This is definitely picking the pace up a lot which is a major help. Eddie was just such a wreck in real life at this point and he was about to crack. The RTC was about to start as well to give Val something to do. The fans of course want boobs and who can blame them? Eddie starts working on the back to add some mild psychology here. And now Val works on Eddie’s back, which is just weird for some reason.

The Money Shot hits nothing but knees and there’s part of a joke in there somewhere. Val is definitely a heel here but it’s not saying much. The boobs of Trish are making it pretty much tweener vs. face. After the women get involved, Val wins with a nice fisherman’s suplex. That was rather pointless.

Rating: C-. This just wasn’t that good. Val and Eddie are both good workers but this just failed for the most part. It was like they were searching for a story but they couldn’t find one no matter how hard they tried. The ending part was a big improvement but it still wasn’t much at all.

Patterson, who is fighting Brisco later on in a lingire match for the hardcore title, says that none of the dresses he has available make him look sexy enough. You can’t make stuff like this up.

Rikishi says he’s going to beat Val. I really hate him.

KOTR Quarter Finals: Crash Holly vs. Bull Buchanan

Please…make it quick. Crash beat Albert and Hardcore Holly while Bull beat Blackman and Saturn. Was anyone not in this tournament? Crash has the scale thing here because that was such a great gimmick. It kept him employed if nothing else I guess. He’s doing the Cinderella story thing here. We see a clip of Brisco and Patterson stealing the Hardcore title from Crash on Raw.

Buchanan just couldn’t be blander if his life depended on it. He’s getting into Tomko levels here. The crowd busts out the boring chant and I can’t blame them a bit. It’s weak but it’s the longest I’ve ever heard. The coronation is tomorrow night apparently, since obviously we can’t hold it here because…well we just can’t I guess. A rollup for Crash gets two. Buchanan misses an axe kick and Crash rolls him up for the pin. Thank goodness the referee did a fast count for the most part.

Rating: D. This was just a waste of time. The fans got the chant exactly right. They have Benoit go out in the first round so we get this? I know the company was on freaking fire at the moment but geez, they couldn’t have gotten this one more wrong.

Linda is in her office when Vince comes in and lists off everything she’s done to piss him off over the years. She’s done a lot actually, but dang she can’t act to save her life. This is the weirdest marriage of all time.

KOTR Quarter Finals: Kurt Angle vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho beat Bradshaw and Bubba while Jericho beat Test and Edge in a series of Canadian violence. Angle runs down Boston’s sports teams before the match, which is ironic as about two years ago it was the greatest sports town in the world. Jericho is of course wildly over. This is one of those matches that it’s just hard to mess up. He uses the Kirk Angel line that never gets old for some reason.

Can we have a two hour show of these two just insulting each other? It would be better than most wrestling shows. He implies Angle is a virgin, which is funny considering what his wife looked like. About a minute into the match Jericho hits the Lionsault and Long has to count really slowly because Angle misses his cue to put his foot on the bottom rope.

Angle has a ton of fans here and I can’t blame them as he was just epic at this point as he played his character perfectly and could back it up in the ring. Angle has to use the ropes to get out of another pin. Long’s counting is annoying the heck out of me. It’s worse than the blonde guy in WWE now.

Jericho gets out of the Angle Slam and hooks the Walls but Stephanie is here to distract the referee while Angle is tapping. Stephanie accidently pops Angle with her women’s title and she gets kissed by Jericho. It does however allow Angle to hook the slam for the pin.

Rating: B. Again, hard to mess this one up. It’s about ten minutes and it worked fine. These guys had undeniable chemistry together and it showed here. It lasted a good enough time to make it work and the workrate was all there, so what more can you ask for? We definitely needed Crash and Bull in the first round instead of Jericho and Angle beating one of them each right?

Updated brackets:

Kurt Angle
Crash Holly

Rikishi
Eddie Guerrero

Shane is mad at Vince for getting the interference barred from the main event. The way the match works tonight is that if any face gets the pin then they’re world champion and if HHH’s team wins, he faces the winner of the tournament.

Mick Foley is at WWF New York, which is still the coolest thing ever. Ivory is the bartender and Foley has a huge haircut. We can barely hear Foley over the fans chanting for Foley and Ivory. Foley doesn’t remember the 98 Cell match but he likes Angle apparently. That’s most odd.

Tag Titles: Edge/Christian vs. Too Cool vs. Hardys vs. Too Cool

The champions, Too Cool (just take me now) are out last. Edge and Christian do the 5 second pose which is of Buckner and the Mets in 86. Lita and Trish look amazing. For some reason Too Cool is popular which I’ll never understand for the life of me. What was cool about them? Scotty’s belt is on upside down. This is elimianton rules by the way so it’s kind of like three matches in one which isn’t bad at all. Jeff has the rainbow hair now and starts with Albert.

Jeff is put in a gorilla press but flips out of it and hits a dropkick in a sweet little sequence. He and Matt beat on Albert. They really were a great team. Matt and Jeff keep getting out of the power moves from T&A as Lita and Trish get into it in foreshadowing of their epic future rivalry. The redhead is in the ring for no apparent reason and gets a nice cheer, and it allows Matt to pin Test after a Swanton.

It’s Jeff and Scotty now, who is apparently happy that he managed to get dressed all by himself this morning. Now let’s stop to dance a bit. They’re going really fast out there for no apparent reason. Jeff and Edge, who would eventually main event PPVs which I don’t think anyone really expected, go at it in what is of course a solid encounter. Lita, pink thong flying, throws a hurricanrana to get two on Edge for Jeff.

She’s still kind of annoying despite being hot. Everyone goes for or hit their finishers, resulting in Christian putting Matt out. Oh apparently Too Cool is still here. They had nothing at all to do with that so no one even remembered they were there. We just had to have Too Cool as champions too because we couldn’t let Edge and Christian and the Hardys go out there and just show off or anything good like that right?

Naturally Too Cool is just doing comedy stuff because it’s all they’re capable of. After a few minutes of Scotty getting beaten on, we get the epicness, yes EPICNESS I say of the hot tag to Grandmaster. It’s a comedy match for the most opart here for the tag titles. Too Cool seem like the guys that don’t realize they’re champions and couldn’t care less if they lost them.

Edge and Christian start a double worm but Scotty, despite being late and causing Christian to not know what he’s supposed to do, makes the stop. He does the worm, which of course takes about 30 seconds to do the whole thing, making it completely stupid. The champions hit a Trash Compactor but the referee is busy so Christian gets a shot with the belt to get the belts again.

Rating: C. This is the epitome of average. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s just there. It’s about 15 minutes long or five minutes per elimination and Too Cool lost the belts to edge and Christian. That’s all there is to it. It’s not bad or great, but perfectly average, meaning it’s not really a good sign but Too Cool aren’t the champions anymore so I’m happy.

Crash says Angle is in trouble.

We get to see Benoit beat up Rikishi again, making my heart go all aflutter.

KOTR Semi-Finals: Rikishi vs. Val Venis

These two would fight again at Fully Loaded in the cage splash match that I’ve previously reviewed. They have been feuding for awhile here so at least there’s something to go on here, which I think is what the plan was which I really like, as it helps things out a lot here at the show. We start on the floor and it’s just a brawl at this point. Ah there we go we’re in the ring now.

Why can’t we do that with Val, who has a decent one? Rikishi’s arm is still hurt from earlier. We get the odd sight of Rikishi throwing left hands. Val goes up for the splash but gets crotched, allowing Rikishi to hit a belly to belly to win. Post match he tries to hit the hip drop on Trish but Val hits him with the stairs and a chair. What lucky star did I wake up under?

Rating: C+. Everything on this show is average. There’s just nothing appealing here at all and it’s just not working for me. This was again about three minutes long and even more proof as to why we don’t need to do the final three rounds on the PPV as there’s just too much going on here.

To continue this review, please press eject and turn the tape over.

Brisco is with Coach and cuts this very serious promo that is very funny, which I think was the point. He doesn’t say if he wants regular panties or crotchless. I just got done with Starrcade 83 and saw he and his brother have a great match with Steamboat and Youngblood, and now this. I love wrestling.

KOTR Semi-Finals: Crash Holly vs. Kurt Angle

Hmm, I wonder who is going to win here. I love that under Angle’s name it says American Hero. There’s something very funny about that. This is pretty crisp actually and it’s not bad at all. Crash shouting screw you at the referee is funny for some reason. It’s a shame that Crash had such a comedy based gimmick that he never got the change to show what he was capable of. The same goes for Al Snow.

We get an XFL reference and we need the death music already. Crash isn’t backing down, I’ll give him that. He hits a missile dropkick and the fans are buying into this. Out of nowhere off a hot shot, Angle hits the slam to end it. This was only four minutes, but it felt like a lot longer, and I mean that in a good way.

Rating: B. I really liked this match. It was very fast paced and they fit a lot into the little time they had. Like I said, it’s a shame that Crash had the comedy gimmick and couldn’t get a chance to showcase himself as he’s not that bad at all in the ring. I liked this.

King says that King Rikishi isn’t something you can even pronounce.

We get a clip of a show last night in MSG where Trump was there. He must be a legit. That’s saying a lot, and he’s a Rock fan.

Cole is in the back with Kane who can now talk sans voice box, which I think has been the case for a long time here.

Taker all of a sudden can talk fine as well and says he’ll win the title.

We recap the evening gown match that’s coming up. Brisco won the title from Crash on Raw and Patterson broke a champagne bottle over his head and pinned him. He threw in a suck it and crotch chop and I begin to wonder about these two. Patterson, scared to death of losing the title, wore drag and hid in the women’s locker room.

Brisco wanted to get in there to pin him, so he put on a dress that he just happened to have laying around I guess. It resulted in them throwing makeup at each other. Vince came up, stunned, and said there would be an evening gown match tonight.

Hardcore Title: Pat Patterson vs. Gerald Brisco

They’re wearing wigs too. Gerald comes out to Real American which HAS to be a rib on Hogan. Brisco comes out with a 2×4. Patterson comes out to showgirl music with a shopping cart of toilet paper and other stupid stuff. He’s wearing a bra too and throws candy out of it. This is hilarious for some perverse reason. We get the line of him doing rear end work at the body shop.

For those of you not getting my constant jokes, the worst kept secret in wrestling history is that Patterson is gay. Patterson is wearing sneakers and Brisco is wearing heels. Oh and Patterson has sunglasses on. Patterson offers to lay down, prompting even more jokes, even though you win by ripping the clothes off I thought. And Patterson has a banana which I don’t think Ross realized at first.

The line of OH it’s a BANANA was hilarious as all goodness. Patterson reaches under his dress and pulls out a tampon to shove in his face. The red panties are smacked by Brisco with a low blow. And we get a Bronco Buster. Ok the joke is over now. And thankfully Crash comes down with a referee and a trash can. After ripping Brisco’s clothes off, he hits Patterson with the can to get the title to a massive pop. This just became disturbing near the end.

Rating: O, as in oh what do you think the grade here is?

We see the Dudleys bringing a table with Tori’s name on it. At Judgment Day, they had tried to put her through a table but didn’t get to so Bubba is now in a trance until he can do it. Tori put Bubba through one and then DX put them in a dumpster and threw them off the stage. That leads us here.

Tori/Road Dogg/X-Pac vs. Dudleys

This is a handicap, table dumpster match. You win by putting the other in or through the respective item. Tori is badly hurt here and would more or less be gone after this. It’s a shame too as she was freaking sexy. DX comes out to a Run DMC song, as there was a rap album of themes coming out. Since this is such a violent match, we have tags just in case.

The Dudleys were revolutionizing tag wrestling as no one knew what to make of them. They breathed new life into the place and they had hooked up with Edge and Christian and the Hardys a few months prior for the triple threat ladder match which set the world on fire for awhile. We’re at about 8 crotch chops after maybe a minute and a half. Again, what’s the point of it being no DQ if you have to tag? Scratch that, reverse it.

In a funny spot, D-Von does the What’s Up on Tori and then stays there. Can’t say I blame him. It was clear that the Dudleys would be faces very soon and the fans want tables. DX get the lid shut with them in the dumpster but the referee is with Tori. They escape but DX don’t notice it. Yeah the Dudleys are faces here. It’s odd to think of DX as heels I think. The successful team here sets up two tables on the floor and puts steps in the ring.

Road Dogg takes a sweet bump over the ropes through both tables in a powerbomb. I don’t think this is elimination rules but Dogg is out for the most part. Tori is holding her crotch which is just odd looking. Being he genius that she is, she gets in the ring with X-Pac being put through a table.

She dives into the dumpster but two chair shots put the Dudleys in the dumpster for the win. Both of them get a 3D and you know what’s coming. Tori is powerbombed out of the company. I think Tori’s arm got hurt in the dumpster. Something is clearly not right with it. Bubba’s trance is always funny.

Rating: C+. Again, just an average brawl. I’m getting tired of this show being nothing but average and men in women’s clothing. It’s just not interesting at all and it’s going by fast enough, but I haven’t been interested all night long and that’s never a good thing.

Angle says he’ll win and we get to see Rikishi get beaten up again. The fat man says he’s going to win and sounds very stupid.

We get the same video package we got at the beginning of the show.

KOTR Finals: Rikishi vs. Kurt Angle

The fans are burned out on these guys as you would expect them to be. We start on the floor of course. The stink face is blocked thank goodness. This could be on any Raw or Smackdown, which doesn’t say much to me. The one arm thing doesn’t make a lot of sense but it’s something I guess. Angle gets the stink face of course because that’s just so cool of a move right? Angle slam gets two.

Rikishi makes the comeback, including a freaking diamond cutter of all things, but takes a belly to belly off the second rope that I think was supposed to look a lot better than it did but the powers of the fat trump the powers of America and it’s just ok. That gives the crown to Kurt, and of course the ceremony’s tomorrow night, since that makes SO much freaking sense right? This reminded me of Razor vs. Owen in 94.

There was just NO FREAKING WAY Owen could lose it and it killed any heat the match had. Also, you have Jericho, Guerrero and Benoit available to be in the finals vs. Angle, yet the 400lb Samoan in a thong gets the spot? See what I mean when I say Vince doesn’t get it a lot of the time?

Rating: D+. This was exactly what you would expect these two to do, but it just wasn’t entertaining at all. Rikishi simply wasn’t any good and that was the problem. The size never worked at all as no one, not even greats like Austin or Angle could do anything with him because of the freaking size. It cut Kurt, a power guy, off here too and that’s just not a good thing whatsoever.

The heels have a short thing where Vince has gotten on the others’ nerves.

Rock is in USA Today, as apparently the WWF was big enough to warrant a comparison to baseball by a national paper. Wrestling was HUGE at this time.

WWF Title: HHH/Vince McMahon/Shane McMahon vs. Rock/Kane/Undertaker

Yeah those sides are fair. Like mentioned earlier, if HHH or either McMahon is pinned, HHH loses the title to whoever gets the pin. If HHH’s team wins, HHH fights Angle. There’s no explanation of how this came about but HHH was feuding with Rock and Taker showed up to get at Vince and Shane was with Vince and Kane was just there for the sake of being there. All of the faces get their own entrances. Shane is a pussy apparently.

The pussy starts with Kane. And that’s more or less the high point. This match goes on nearly TWENTY MINUTES and I stopped caring after about two. It’s just filling in the time the whole way rather than anything actually of note going on. The faces keep fighting amongst themselves while the heels keep getting in a few shots here and there. One major problem here is that they never actually explain why Take hates Vince.

Now if you followed wrestling well enough around this time, it’s not that hard to figure out, but good night man, give us something at least. The match just goes on and on and it’s boring as any and all goodness. We get that the faces don’t get along. You don’t need to remind us a dozen times per minute. Everyone beats on everyone as we’re in the orgy mode here. Nothing of note happens as it’s all just one big mess as everyone beats on everyone with no particular rhyme or reason.

FINALLY we get to the point as most everyone goes outside and given the amount of time left we know that someone is going to get a pinfalll soon and end this. Since Vince is alone in the ring, I’m willing to bet that it’s him. And yep, there’s a Rock Bottom and a new champion to celebrate. And yep that’s all there is.

Rating: D-. Oy thank goodness this is over. No one cared about the thing but since we had seen Rock vs. HHH a half dozen times they needed to shift things, and since there’s some law against Kane getting a title shot on PPV, this is what we got instead. It was a weird idea and seriously, did anyone thing there wouldn’t be a new champion? I’m just glad this is over.

Overall Rating: D. And that’s being VERY generous. There is nothing at all worth watching on here. Jericho and Angle have done the same thing about ten times better at least a dozen times. Crash Holly of all people might be the most interesting person on this. That’s just absurd.

The matches were pointless, the title change was one of about five that summer, and the whole thing just plodded along. Angle was a given once we got down to four, and that ruins the rest of the tournament matches. Stay away from this one as well. The next one is much better though, so that’s better than nothing.

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13 comments

  1. Little Jerry Lawler says:

    So what is your problem with Too Cool and Rikishi again?

    klunderbunker Reply:

    They were midcard champions when the Radicalz were around?

    Little Jerry Lawler Reply:

    So were the Radicalz. Too Cool and Rikishi were over with their gimmick and got a push and midcard titles because of it. Besides, it’s not like they had a long with them. Trying to turn Rikishi into a main event heel was a mistake but I had no major problems with them before that. It’s a part of what’s missing in WWE today. Barrett may be a good case as people though the Bad News gimmick was terrible. Then he got over with it.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    Still no excuse for me having to sit through their stupid dancing every single week.

  2. Little Jerry Lawler says:

    Long run, I meant to say.

  3. ted says:

    Thank you for fulfilling my request.

  4. meka 3000 says:

    “Still no excuse for me having to sit through their stupid dancing every single week.”

    They didn’t force you to watch every single week. You did that. Besides those 3 were still more worthy than the likes of Val Venis and Perry Saturn.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    I’ll give you Venis. Not so much on Saturn.

    meka 3000 Reply:

    In a vacuum I’d agree with you on Perry Saturn. But given context Perry Saturn wasn’t drawing any heat in his singles matches in 2000.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    I’d still take him over the dancing fat man any day.

    ted Reply:

    Basically comes down to whom you enjoy more. In my opinion Saturn is way more entertaining to watch. Rikish is not, no matter the significance of his career vs Saturns.

    meka 3000 Reply:

    “I’d still take him over the dancing fat man any day.”

    Perhaps but that’s not the way the wwe office thinks while fans sit in silence while watching him. Sure it was a result of Saturn not being utilized well, but you don’t push an unover person JUST BECAUSE he might hypothetically get over, while not pushing guys who WERE OVER.

    Personally I liked Rikishi and Too Cool for what they were. They were especially fun to watch in 6 man tag matches.

  5. klunderbunker says:

    Aware of and understand all that. Just don’t like Rikishi.