Monday Night Raw – August 4, 2014: I’ve Got 9.99 Problems And Brie Bella Is One

Monday Night Raw
Date: August 4, 2014
Location: Frank Erwin Center, Austin, Texas
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, John Bradshaw Layfield

This is a very dull time for WWE as so much of the Summerslam build is already done and there are still four weeks to go before the show. They’re already running out of things to put on the shows so you can expect a lot of filler instead of interesting ideas. Also you can see the Network plugs coming from here. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Orton attacking Reigns last week.

Here’s the Authority in full force to open things up. HHH talks about how we can watch Summerslam in two weeks on the WWE Network for just $9.99. He lists off a few more matches and mentions the Network price three or four more times. As for tonight, there’s going to be a Beat the Clock Challenge between Rollins (vs. Van Dam) and Ambrose (vs. Del Rio) with the winner picking the stipulation for the match at Summerslam (“Available on the WWE Network for just $9.99!”).

Stephanie talks about signing the contract with Brie tonight and how that’s going to be on the Network for….well you know the idea by now. So does the crowd as they’re finishing HHH’s lines for him. Lawler is cracking jokes about it as well, even though HHH is clearly hammering it home to play up the heel heat.

Orton says that what he did last week was nothing compared to what he’s going to do to him at Summerslam. This brings out Reigns who says that he wants to fight tonight, but HHH has another idea. They’ll fight at Summerslam (“On the WWE Network for just $9.99!”) but tonight, it’s Reigns vs. Kane in a last man standing match.

Kane vs. Roman Reigns

Last man standing. Reigns hammers away to start as the announcers talk about the Network even more. They head outside with Reigns being hammered up against the barricade and then sent into the steps for a five count. Reigns is sent into the post a few more times as the announcers continue to hammer the $9.99 joke into the ground to the point where I’m laughing at it.

We take an early break and come back with Reigns reversing Kane into a chair wedged into the corner. Some charges into the corner have Kane in even more trouble and Roman hammers away with right hands. There’s the apron boot but Kane blocks a spear. A table is brought in and Kane counters a Superman Punch into a quick chokeslam to put Reigns through the wood for nine.

Kane is frustrated and sets up a chair in the middle of the ring. The tombstone is countered and Reigns hits a DDT onto the chair. Reigns hits the Superman Punch but charges into another chokeslam. Reigns slips out again and nails a bad spear to keep Kane down for the ten count at 15:16.

Rating: C-. Well that happened. I have no idea why but it happened. This idea of throwing gimmick matches onto the card is a really bad idea. It wasn’t a very good last man standing match either as there was no way Kane was going to win. Reigns beating Kane is a good thing, but not in an unnecessary gimmick match.

We get a LONG (as in about five minutes) video on Brock vs. Cena, with sitdown promos from both guys, talking about how awesome they are and saying this is going to be the fight of their lives, even though Brock knows he’s going to win. This is a really solid video with clips of the Extreme Rules match and the Streak being broken. We even get stills from some UFC fights. Brock says if he had stayed in the WWE, Cena would be sitting at home eating Fruity Pebbles instead of getting paid to eat them on TV. Lesnar promises to leave Cena in a pool of his own blood.

Network plug.

Here’s Damien Sandow as an Oklahoma Sooner football player. He rips on the Texas Longhorns before his opponent is announced as a former Longhorn.

Mark Henry vs. Damien Sandow

World’s Strongest Slam, Henry walks around, pin in 40 seconds. Not quite the battle to save Christmas.

Adam Rose is in the back and looks at the Oculus Mirror. He says it shows your nightmare, so we see him in a suit as a businessman. Rose and the Rosebuds leave after this STUPID segment.

Beat the Clock: Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio

Jerry: “I hope this match goes 10:39.” Cole: “Why?” Jerry: “Then it would be 9.99!” Del Rio takes over with some kicks including a dropkick to the back of the head for two. Some choking in the corner has Dean in trouble but he comes back with some right hands of his own. They head outside with Del Rio sending Ambrose hard into the barricade. Back in and Del Rio hammers away on the bad arm and sends it into the post.

An armbar goes nowhere and Del Rio jumps into a boot. Dean makes his comeback but gets caught by the low superkick for two. Alberto sends him out to the floor and we take a break. Back with Deal fighting out of another armbar but getting taken right back down. Del Rio accidentally kicks the post instead of Dean’s shoulder and gets caught in a DDT.

Del Rio counters the Dirty Deeds and hits a VERY low reverse superplex for two. The Rebound Clothesline gets two on Alberto but he counters Dirty Deeds into a Codebreaker on the arm. The armbreaker over the ropes has the arm in even more trouble but Dean nails Dirty Deeds for the pin at 15:42.

Rating: D+. WAY too long here as they could have done this in about half the time. The arm stuff is fine but it gets annoying to see it week after week after week. Del Rio being down in the midcard is a good thing for him as he just does not fit in the main event. Ambrose vs. Rollins should rock, as long as they keep the energy up.

Long recap of Stephanie and Brie last week.

Rusev vs. Sin Cara

This match took place during the break on the WWE App with Rusev winning a squash in about 45 seconds via the Accolade. Uh….sweet?

Post match we get pictures of Obama holding a dog and Putin holding what looks like a cheetah. Lana sings Happy Birthday to Obama in Russian until Colter and Swagger interrupt. Colter goes on a rant about how everyone is sick of Lana’s Russian ramblings and shows some photos of American men and women Swagger is fighting for. He cranks it up by showing stills of American soldiers and the USA chant begins. Rusev and Lana pretend to back off but Rusev nails Swagger with the Russian flag. Colter is left alone but Lana calls Rusev off.

The big Network announcement: it’s going international on August 12 and to England on October 1.

Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler

Miz is on commentary drinking tea because he has a hoarse voice. Cesaro throws Ziggler around with ease but has a suplex reversed into the Zig Zag for the pin at 2:58. Nothing match but Cesaro gets to job AGAIN.

Post match Miz gets in the ring but runs from a superkick.

After a clip of Paige knocking AJ off the stage last week, Paige says she admires AJ and that she can’t wait for their match at Summerslam.

Stardust/Goldust vs. Ryback/Curtis Axel

Goldust hammers on Ryback to start but gets taken into the wrong corner for some quick double teaming. A suplex gets two on Goldust and it’s off to Axel, who quickly allows Goldust to roll over for the tag to Stardust. Everything breaks down and Dark Matter (Downward Spiral) to Axel gets the pin at 2:50.

Kane comes in to see the Authority and takes off his mask, hands it to Stephanie, and leaves.

Chris Jericho vs. Luke Harper

If Jericho wins, Harper is barred from ringside at Summerslam. Jericho gets taken down into the corner but comes back with chops, only to get run over with a forearm. Off to the Gator Roll but Jericho fights up again with chops. An enziguri gets two on Luke but he comes back with a Michinoku Driver for the same.

There’s a big sitout powerbomb for the same and Harper calmly smiles. Back up and Jericho grabs the Walls but Bray comes out for a distraction. Harper is down so Jericho has to hit the Codebreaker on Harper. The distraction….doesn’t work as a Codebreaker puts Harper on the floor, only to have Bray come in for the DQ at 5:20.

Rating: C. This was fine and sets up Jericho vs. Bray one on one at Summerslam, but I really would have liked to see Harper vs. Jericho get about fifteen minutes instead of five. The ending was kind of surprising, but at least Bray’s distraction wasn’t the cause of a pin. It seems like they’re almost mocking that now, so maybe its time is almost over.

Sister Abigail lays out Jericho post match.

AJ Lee returns tomorrow night on Main Event. In other words, she missed Raw and has been gone for three days?

Diego vs. Fandango

Because THIS needed a trilogy. This time, Fandango has Hornswoggle as his new dance partner. Diego easily takes Fandango down but gets distracted by Hornswoggle. It backfires on the dancer though and another Backstabber gets the pin on Fandango at 48 seconds.

Hornswoggle joins Diego, Torito, and the girls but Fandango gets annoyed. That goes nowhere and Fandango is dispatched again, because this story needed to be done three times.

Orton looks at a video of his attack on Reigns last week and says that he’s going to do even worse at Summerslam.

Bo Dallas vs. R-Truth

Now how did I know it would be R-Truth again? Truth shoves him around to start but misses the ax kick. Dallas rolls him up with a handful of tights for the pin at 1:05.

JBL now has a $9.99 sign.

Bray comes up on screen and asks why the man does what he does. Why does the man say what he says and why don’t the sheep run from the hungry wolf? At Summerslam, he enters battle without his brothers. He won’t be alone though because her hand guides him and the world leaves him behind. How can Jericho save what is already dead? What is Bray? He’s the nightmare at the end of Jericho’s dreams and he stands beyond time. Time to sing.

The announcers plug Brock vs. Cena from Extreme Rules airing immediately after Raw on the Network.

More from the Lesnar and Cena interviews in another solid video. This is a nice way to cover Brock and Cena not being there tonight. This time Brock says he’s back to be WWE Champion and is coming off the biggest win of his career. Why shouldn’t he have been able to beat Undertaker? The Undertaker wasn’t a god and Brock Lesnar is a beast. Now why can’t he beat Cena? John talks about how he knows what kind of a beating he’s in for but he knows what it takes to beat Brock. If Lesnar wants some, come get some. We get some of the same clips from the first video as well.

Beat The Clock Challenge: Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins

I forgot this was happening. Seth has to beat 15:42. JBL actually picks Van Dam to win here because Seth is going to be thinking about the clock. Actually scratch this as the Authority has a replacement for Van Dam.

Beat The Clock Challenge: Heath Slater vs. Seth Rollins

Rollins allows Slater to leave but Heath fires off some right hands. Ambrose comes out for a distraction, allowing Slater to get a VERY close two off a running neckbreaker. Now Dean takes the briefcase and starts looking through it, even ripping up Seth’s contract. This distraction lets Slater hit a side kick for an even closer two. Dean starts drinking a fan’s soda and pours it into the briefcase. He follows it up with popcorn and JBL’s hat as Rollins keeps shouting at him. Dean gets up on the table, and you know that’s enough for Slater to get a rollup pin at 4:56.

Rating: D+. I’m skeptical to rate this as a wrestling match but it was really solid as an angle. Dean playing the mind games before the showdown is nothing but gold and the showdown is going to be awesome. The stipulations could make or break the match though as they need to have an all out brawl.

One more Network ad, this time for the Cena vs. Lesnar match from 2012 airing after the show.

Time for the main event segment: Brie and Stephanie’s contract signing. HHH comes out to back up his wife and Brie of course has Nikki. HHH says that he’s the COO and would usually be in charge of this, but since he has a conflict of interest, it’s Michael Cole in charge. The bosses kiss a bit so Brie says let’s get to it. Stephanie finally brings up Daniel Bryan, who is still recovering.

Brie shows us Stephanie being arrested two weeks ago to drag this out even more. She makes some bizarre references to Stephanie being with some woman during her time in jail before saying she’ll humiliate Stephanie in front of the universe at Summerslam. This is going to be for Daniel Bryan, Vickie Guerrero, the Rhodes Family, and every other person on the roster that Stephanie has tortured. A quick Punk chant starts up as Brie talks about karma coming around onto Stephanie.

Now it’s Stephanie’s turn as she calls Brie a wannabe reality star who stole the spotlight from her sister and abandoned her husband. Stephanie is already embarrassed to be in the same ring as Brie and isn’t going to let her make history at Summerslam. She slaps Nikki and shoves the table into Brie’s stomach, sending her into the corner. A Pedigree from Stephanie lays out Nikki but Brie slaps HHH. Stephanie nails Brie and lays her out with a Pedigree as well. The Authority kisses some more to end the show.

Time for the main event segment: Brie and Stephanie’s contract signing. HHH comes out to back up his wife and Brie of course has Nikki. HHH says that he’s the COO and would usually be in charge of this, but since he has a conflict of interest, it’s Michael Cole in charge. The bosses kiss a bit so Brie says let’s get to it. Stephanie finally brings up Daniel Bryan, who is still recovering.

Brie shows us Stephanie being arrested two weeks ago to drag this out even more. She makes some bizarre references to Stephanie being with some woman during her time in jail before saying she’ll humiliate Stephanie in front of the universe at Summerslam. This is going to be for Daniel Bryan, Vickie Guerrero, the Rhodes Family, and every other person on the roster that Stephanie has tortured. A quick Punk chant starts up as Brie talks about karma coming around onto Stephanie.

Now it’s Stephanie’s turn as she calls Brie a wannabe reality star who stole the spotlight from her sister and abandoned her husband. Stephanie is already embarrassed to be in the same ring as Brie and isn’t going to let her make history at Summerslam. She slaps Nikki and shoves the table into Brie’s stomach, sending her into the corner. A Pedigree from Stephanie lays out Nikki but Brie slaps HHH. Stephanie nails Brie and lays her out with a Pedigree as well. The Authority kisses some more to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. This show felt REALLY long and had far too much stuff that ate up a lot of time. When you have your third meetings between Fandango and Diego and then Bo Dallas and R-Truth, you can tell they’re just filling in time. It’s also proof that Cena really picks up a show as there was almost no energy to so much of this stuff. Is Kane unmasking for like the third time supposed to get my attention? That’s the best they’ve got?

Of course I have to mention all the $9.99 stuff. I get what they were going for with the evil boss plugging stuff like a businessman would, but later on when the announcers were doing it seemingly of their own free will, it takes away the evil and comes off like a lame commercial. This is WWE in a nutshell though: if something doesn’t work, keep doing it until someone buys it out of pity.

Results
Roman Reigns b. Kane – Kane couldn’t answer the ten count
Mark Henry b. Damien Sandow – World’s Strongest Slam
Dean Ambrose b. Alberto Del Rio – Dirty Deeds
Rusev b. Sin Cara – Accolade
Dolph Ziggler b. Cesaro – Zig Zag
Goldust/Stardust b. Curtis Axel/Ryback – Dark Matter to Axel
Diego b. Fernando – Backstabber
Bo Dallas b. R-Truth – Rollup with a handful of tights
Heath Slater b. Seth Rollins – Rollup

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of on the History of ECW Pay Per Views at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:


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37 comments

  1. Mathix says:

    Overall grade?

    klunderbunker Reply:

    Dang it this vacation is getting on my nerves.

  2. M.R. says:

    A Jay-Z reference? You continue to surprise me, KB.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    Is that who sings that song? Good to know.

    Bida18 Reply:

    Is that a joke?

    noahconstrictor Reply:

    Probably not. The whole “I’ve got 99 problems” thing has gotten way bigger than the song and turned into a meme/joke of it’s own.

  3. King says:

    “I’ve Got 9.99 Problems And Brie Bella Is One.”

    When you do these right they are actually golden.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    Thanks.

    My personal favorite is Slammiversary 2005:

    JOE’S GONNA DE-BUT! JOE’S GONNA DE-BUT! JOE’S GONNA DE-BUT!

  4. M.R. says:

    Why do they continue to throw not-so-subtle jabs at JR every opportunity they get? It comes off as unbearably petty. Also, that Summerslam theme song is torture.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    It is petty. Why? Because Vince McMahon is petty.

    Jay H. (the real one) Reply:

    Speaking of petty did you see Bully Ray was plugging Impact using the RAWAustin hashtag tonight?

    klunderbunker Reply:

    I didn’t but it’s nothing new. I wouldn’t call it petty either.

    M.R. Reply:

    Who gives a shit?

  5. Jay H. (the real one) says:

    I just found it said really that once again TNA can’t help themselves is all.

    Thriller Reply:

    There’s nothing wrong with using the hashtag. They exist to increase visibility of a tweet, so it would be dumb for him not to use it.

  6. whosnext98 says:

    Was it my imagination or did I just watch a three hour infomercial?

  7. Rocko says:

    Why does everyone have problems with the JR jabs? I’m pretty sure they’re not in mean spirit and just for fun.

    This show felt so long that I felt like the ending segment happened twice. I thought I was crazy until I read your review and found out it really did happen twice.

    M.R. Reply:

    They’re absolutely meant to be mean spirited.

    Rocko Reply:

    And so were the all the paychecks they kept giving him. Plus it’s not like he is friends with the announcers who make the jokes or anything. Friends never make jokes about each other. But please, tell me how these are mean spirited. Plus all they usually do is reference his BBQ stuff or say a catchphrase of his.

    I guess Sandow was also meant to insult Bret Hart, cause he dressed up like him too.

    M.R. Reply:

    You’re an idiot.

    Rocko Reply:

    Idiots can be right sometimes. If they really wanted to insult JR, I’m sure it would be more venomous than what they have done. I’m sure it’s just a fun little jab and nothing more.

    Oklahoma was mean spirited. The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior was mean spirited (though it was hilarious). This stuff isn’t. Stop taking things so seriously. They still sell his BBQ sauce. I’m sure they really really hate that guy.

    The only time I think they ever did a little bit too much was when Vince made fun of JR’s Bells Palsy for a split second. Other than that they really haven’t done anything in mean spirit. It’s not like JR is the only guy they make fun of.

    zappa Reply:

    So you would be ok with your employer Throwing jabs at you? Through a nationwide audience? on a monthly or sometimes weekly basis?

    “And so were the all the paychecks they kept giving him”

    So because they paid him They can be petty assholes. I don’t know what world you live in. But I don’t want to be there.

    Also The reason they do it is because they have never and most likley never will be able to find someone to call the big match like J.R.

    Rocko Reply:

    Yes. If they thought I sucked, I would be replaced. None of the jabs were really in bad faith. They throw jabs at everyone. That’s the nature of that job. Vince allowed himself to be shoved up Big Show’s ass. Vince doesn’t take himself seriously. Vince allows himself to be embarrassed so he expects everyone else, not just one person, to be the same. If you can’t have a sense of humor, then don’t take a job in which you are expected to have one.

    If you aren’t the boss, you don’t make the terms. Period. If you are unhappy, you can quit.

    zappa Reply:

    A jab by nature is in bad faith. It would be one thing if it was to put heat on a heel. But this is just Vince being an asshole and he should be called out for it.

    “Vince allows himself to be embarrassed so he expects everyone else, not just one person, to be the same.”

    Everyone is not the same.

    There is no defending this Vince was being an asshole for no real reason and should be vilified for it. No money or any other perk justifies being an asshole end of story.

    Rocko Reply:

    So no one can ever poke fun at you as a joke?

    JR said (on Austin’s podcast) while he was in LA, he texted McMahon about trying to find his star on the walk of fame. They both joked with each other about it. They obviously hate each other.

    Vince allowed himself to be embarrassed. Vince has never really done anything to JR that was that bad. JR was treated no differently than every damn person on the roster.

    Where is everyone when WWE does this to everyone else? Everyone seems to get worked up over Ross. Yet when people,make fun of Cole, they laugh. Bit of a double standard.

    JR has addressed this before. He said he knows they aren’t serious. He is a big boy. He said people are taking this way too seriously. That they should care more about real life than jokes on a TV show.

    It’s not like this happens every show. This happens once in a blue moon. As does everyone, including the boss. This is not mean. This is not meant seriously. It is a joke.

    zappa Reply:

    ” Everyone seems to get worked up over Ross. Yet when people,make fun of Cole, they laugh. Bit of a double standard.”

    Jim Ross is the greatest announcer they have ever had, and they have embarrassed and fired him on more than one occasion for no good reason.

    Michael Cole is a passable announcer at best. The worst thing to happen to him is what exactly?

    “So no one can ever poke fun at you as a joke?”

    There is a mighty big difference between. A friend and I poking fun at each other. And someone who isn’t my friend Doing it on international television.

    It’s called context look it up.

    “Vince allowed himself to be embarrassed. ”

    So?

    Vince has never really done anything to JR that was that bad.”

    I beg to differ.

    “This is not mean.”

    It certainly comes across that way.

    This is not meant seriously. It is a joke.”

    Jokes have to be funny. This is not.

    You going to defend Oklahoma character next? That was started in the wwf.

    Rocko Reply:

    Cole has gotten wedgied, put Lawler’s toe in his mouth, used to be everyone’s wipping boy, he was mocked endlessly during his anonymous Raw GM stuff (Rock, Jericho, Vince to name a few), dressed up like HHH, tried to hit on AJ, sucked Miz’s dick.

    Fuck off with JR is more important. When it comes to this, that doesn’t matter. It’s a double standard.

    People get fired in business all the time. For shit reasons. It’s called business. Unfortunately that’s how businesses must work (JR couldn’t call matches, hence his firing). I don’t think it was ethical. But that shit isn’t unique to him.

    Vince allows himself to be embarrassed. It’s not a double standard for him. Plus it’s characters. On a TV show. None of it is real. You obviously cannot grasp this.

    How do you know they aren’t friends?

    Jokes aren’t always funny. 2+3=bird. It’s a joke. Not funny. But it’s a joke.

    I was unaware of Oklahoma being in the WWF (on heat, once). I’ll give you this one time of going too far.

  8. Hubcap Dave says:

    This might be the first week when James Gracie does his bit, and he’s actually right…….

    james gracie Reply:

    Huh? I thought tonights show was fantastic.

    Hubcap Dave Reply:

    So, then are you ready to become a sheep and get the Network for JUST 9.99?

    james gracie Reply:

    No. Why would I pay for the network when I get such great stuff on free TV? Only lambs would pay for it.

  9. james gracie says:

    Oh man how bad was that? Okay WWE if I buy the Network like all of the other mindless zombies did, will you stop fucking shilling it?! So fucking pathetic. If that’s the best Roman Reigns has, then we are in for a very long year.

    They even managed to turn a hot feud into cookie cutter nonsense. Beat the Clock? So fucking tired and lame.

    Thank goodness for the Swagger/Rusev stuff. See what good booking does. I actually want to see Summerslam because of that match…but I wont cause the rest of Summerslam is absolute garbage.

    I really hope the USA Network cancels RAW because of that App stuff. They are telling fans to not watch the commercials. How can USA be okay with that?

    And LOL at them having the balls to close RAW out 2 weeks in a row with this Brie/Stephanie crap. I felt bad for Brie and her terrible acting. I’m not even kidding around, they might actually use this to main event Summerslam. Vince, Stephanie and Triple H actually think this is a hot, exciting angle LOL idiots! No one gives a shit and I’m worried that when Bryan comes back, Brie is gonna drag him down.

    Terrible fucking show tonight

    james gracie Reply:

    Wait I don’t remember writing this. Are you Not Jay?

    Rocko Reply:

    Wait. People watch commercials? Who the fuck watches commercials?

  10. M.R. says:

    I’m still not understanding the concept of the Network programming. If I can watch any PPV anytime, why is Extreme Rules 2013 being advertised for after Raw?

    Hubcap Dave Reply:

    There are two aspects to the network. One is being able to watch the PPVs, and other assorted goodies on demand. Then there’s the live stream part, where they basically have different stuff that airs at scheduled times. Like right now showing on the stream is “Best of Smackdown” which is highlighting a show from 2002. after that, they have “Wrestlemania Rewind”, which is covering the HHH vs Undertaker match from WM 27. Think of the streaming part as a regular TV channel, and the rest as the on demand content for that channel. Make more sense now?

  11. jimmyglass says:

    You won’t beat that title name KB. Just quit whilist your ahead.