Urban Wrestling Federation – First Blood: I Actually Understood This

First Blood
Date: June 26, 2011
Location: Hammerstein Ballroom, New York City, New York
Commentators: Julius Smokes, Shawn Credle, Robby Mireno

I remember hearing about this promotion when it first came out and wrote it off as a bad dream I had after watching too many old New Jack matches. This is the Urban Wrestling Federation and it’s a mixture of hip hop music (I’m a rock guy so this is already WAY out of my comfort zone) and wrestling (now we’re talking). This promotion only ran like five shows and for reasons of general annoyance, someone requested I look at their first offering. Let’s get to it.

A reporter for some hip hop site reports on a rapper being arrested for fighting with a wrestler.

Opening sequence. I can already tell that I’m in trouble.

Some people are in….I think an alley, with one of them saying the ring is the new block. Apparently the two larger guys are going to pick up a bunch of people who may be either rappers or wrestlers.

Larry Legend (I believe the host) says the UWF is in the house. How do we get them out of the house?

Here’s someone named Low Life Louie Ramos with something to say. Apparently he’s part of Uncle Murda’s (the rapper arrested earlier) crew and calls out someone who sneaks in from the back and hits him with a chair. The announcers aren’t helping any here as they’re talking about that being the chair shot from Atlanta instead of saying who these people are or why they’re fighting.

Louie is busted open and whoever this is (possibly named Murder-1) pulls out a sharp object to stab him in the head. A big boot and cutter leave Louie laying as the announcers talk over Murder-1’s promo, consisting of him calling out Uncle Murda because his crew is tougher. Cue a Grim Reefer, Big Block and Ruckus to stand next to the guy in the ring (again, not sure what his name is) and apparently praise him.

Now it’s Uncle Murda (Wasn’t he in jail?), EC Negro and KC Blade (no idea who ANY of these people are but the announcers seem to think I should) and after Murda praises New York City several times, here are Brisco, Dope and Creed. One of them (Does it matter who?) talks about how he was sleeping with Reefer/Block and Ruckus’ women over Memorial Day weekend, of course using some incredibly adult language in the process. Then the bell rings and we have a match. It’s better than hearing these people talk any longer.

2-Dope/Creed vs. EC Negro/KC Blade vs. Grim Reefer/Ruckus

I had to look up who was teaming with who and who these people were online because again, the announcers aren’t telling us a thing. Apparently Ruckus (who I’ve at least heard of) snaps off a headscissors on Creed but Dope jumps him from behind. As you might expect, there’s no actual tagging or really anything resembling wrestling going on here. Blade (thanks announcers) plants Dope with a powerslam but here’s Reefer to chop him, which the announcers describe as “treating him like a prostitute.” Other announcer: “That’s a crazy white boy right there.”

Creed comes back in to beat on Negro as we’re told this is about representing your turf and crew. A Creed dive takes out a bunch of people and Reefer follows with a big flip dive, which the announcer compares to the sound of a Beretta. Everyone is down on the floor as we’re told that falls count anywhere. Thanks for bringing that up three and a half minutes in.

Reefer puts Negro in a Crossface but Blade makes a save. An elevated Stunner plants Reefer but Dope comes in before there’s a cover. Uncle Murda grabs a mic and shouts LET’S GO NEW YORK over and over. Dope clotheslines Ruckus to the floor as the announcers try to name the teams.

Creed and Dope (The Ghetto Mafia. Normally I would edit that into the title but I want you to understand how random all this information is coming in.) double team Reefer until Negro and Blade come in with a double piledriver (one over the shoulder and the other a regular one, basically sandwiching Reefer in the middle). Unfortunately they stop to pose too much though, allowing Creed to steal the pin on Reefer at 6:50.

Rating: D. There were some good looking double team moves here but there’s no hiding the fact that this is going to be a mess. I still have no idea who these people are, why they’re fighting, who I’m supposed to cheer for or really anything about the promotion other than they’re all here for money. That’s good enough for motivation I guess but

The winners go through the curtain and swear about New York a lot.

Another rapper and his wrestling cronies (perhaps the S.A.T.’s who you might remember from TNA’s early days) say they’re here to take over but now he’s tired of talking to us.

More rappers are in a limo and the one on the left gives the other an envelope presumably containing cash. In exchange, he wants the rapper from the previous segment taken out. Oh and he wants the UWF Title because it means more money.

We get our third straight segment of people talking, one of them wearing a Cleveland Indians hat and instantly becoming my favorite. He asks one of them for his money because it’s his girlfriend’s shopping money. The guy, referred to as amigo, doesn’t have it and the Indians guy isn’t happy. Amigo has an hour to get the money to him, even though there’s less than forty minutes left in the show.

EVEN MORE UNNAMED PEOPLE are here to take over. Would some name graphics kill them? They’re also from some other town and hate New York. Oh one of them is Big Block from earlier. That’s so insightful.

Someone, perhaps Murder-1, yells at Blade and Negro for losing, which doesn’t play in New York. He wants the title too and doesn’t like the rapper with the S.A.T.’s, who may be named Red Cap. Oh and something about wanting money. I think we’ve established that by this point.

A guy is on the phone and talking about wanting the title when someone shows up and knees him in the head. ANOTHER GUY comes up and walks over him to go into his dressing room, where yet another unnamed person is going through the walk overer’s bag.

The announcer is in the ring when the people from the locker room (Facade, the walk overer, and Bestia, the guy who was caught going through the bag) fight through the entrance with Facade backdropping him onto a ladder. Apparently they’re trying to impress the bosses to get a spot in the UWF Title tournament. So that’s a thing too. Oh hey a bell.

Bestia vs. Facade

Facade armdrags him down as the announcers praise his braided hair. A kick to the head (possibly called Ultimate Toejam) gets two on Bestia as we’re told this is about representing your city, which I think is what the whole promotion is about. Bestia comes back with a kick to the face and a front flip legdrop as the announcers talk about someone named Billy Blue, who sounds like the promotion’s boss. Facade is dropped throat first across the barricade, which is compared to Ali-Frazier.

A table is set up but Bestia hits Facade with a chair. Announcer: “That’s it! Paralyze him!” Facade missile dropkicks a chair into Bestia’s face for two with the announcers saying it would have been a pin in PG wrestling. A botched springboard bulldog plants Bestia with Facade yelling at the referee. Announcer (none of them have been named on screen): “Go to Wendy’s and McDonald’s for that beef!” Something like a hurricanrana is countered into a powerbomb through the table on the floor to give Bestia the fluke pin at 6:07.

Rating: D. This was your run of the mill indy match with two guys doing flips and using weapons for no particular rhyme or reason until one person won. The whole thing with the bag in the back was ignored (or more likely never seen by the announcers) for the sake of more turf wars, which aren’t interesting and make no sense unless you have some kind of prior knowledge of this.

Billy Blue (Indians guy) and company come out and have the wrestlers thrown inside. Blue wants some applause for Bestia, who apparently is the guy who owed him money earlier on. All of Blue’s guys beat Bestia down as a “reward”. Blue calls them off because Bestia won and they carry him to the back because he’s part of the team.

We get a two second shot of the announcers to find out their names.

More people, again not named but one of them looks like a low rent Paul Heyman, say someone is late when a phone rings. It seems to be Red Cap, who will be delayed for reasons that aren’t explained. The Heyman guy seems to be running the place and hands the phone to the other guy (Mel), who wants to know what’s good. The camera pans over to show a bunch of people sitting at a table listening to this as Mel talks about buying a yacht. Heyman gets on the phone again and hands it to one of the people at the table, who happens to be Eddie Kingston. Red tells Eddie and the rest of the people to go with Mel.

Hey look: more people talking about turf and arguing.

Homicide says he gets more money and women than Eddie Kingston.

Mel tells Kingston that this is about the title and the money so go beat up Homicide.

Eddie Kingston vs. Homicide

Mel and Uncle Murda are at ringside. Homicide gets knocked to the floor to start but comes back with a flip dive off the apron. They chop it out until Homicide pokes him in the eye and kicks him in the face. Choking and yelling at the rapping managers (close enough) ensues. Eddie gets in a gordbuster and some face ripping, followed by a waistlock of all things. Homicide escapes and goes outside to take the barricade apart.

That goes nowhere so Homicide suplexes him and drops a top rope headbutt for two. A neckbreaker lets the announcers take another shot at WWE because Homicide was REALLY trying to break Eddie’s neck. Eddie comes back with a sliding lariat for two but Homicide hits a quick super cutter and Vertebreaker (Cop Killer) for the pin at 10:55.

Rating: D+. Match of the night by about ten thousand miles, possibly because they’re the only people I’ve seen before. It also helps that they were actually focusing on the wrestling instead of the rapping and turf wars. I mean, it wasn’t particularly GOOD wrestling but I’ll take this over whatever messes I had to sit through in the first two matches.

People, outside, yelling, something about Red Cap (which may be Red Cafe), something about Uncle Murda and Brooklyn, that’s about it.

Kingston is in pain but promises that he’s not done with Homicide.

Now we go outside in the dark to see (kind of) three people talking about making money and Uncle Murda. A deal is made.

Bestia was beaten up by his own crew because he didn’t have Billy Blue’s money….and that’s it because the camera cuts away.

More people yell about turf and a drug deal might go down. This turns into a beating and someone is put into the trunk of a car. Someone (perhaps Creed or Dope from earlier) is beaten down and thrown into the trunk as well.

Two people talk to three other people and one of the three has a gun. The two run away and get into a car which speeds away. The three shoot at them to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. No I’m not failing it and the only reason is because it was shot well. The production values were actually strong here but I think you can understand everything else wrong here. I think I have a vague idea of what I was watching but if you’re not a big fan of rap/hip hop culture, you’re going to be incredibly lost.

Basically it’s a bunch of people from different cities fighting for money, power and eventually the UWF Title but I only figured that out by looking up a lot about this place while watching the show. This is the definition of someone getting some money and thinking a horrible idea might be entertaining. There’s really no reason for this to be a wrestling promotion and it clearly had a shelf life of about a day.  I didn’t even hate the show.  Instead I just wanted it to end, which is even worse when you think about it.

The promotion only ran five shows that I can find and honestly I’m stunned they lasted that long. This came off as stupid, catering to a fairly niche market and was basically a movie which had wrestling included. I get that there might be people who like this but I’m certainly not one of them. Bad show here and I’m stunned it lasted as long as it did.

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