Monday Night Raw – August 4, 2014: I’ve Got 9.99 Problems And Brie Bella Is One

This is a very dull time for WWE as so much of the Summerslam build is already done and there are still four weeks to go before the show. They’re already running out of things to put on the shows so you can expect a lot of filler instead of interesting ideas. Also you can see the Network plugs coming from here. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Orton attacking Reigns last week.

Here’s the Authority in full force to open things up. HHH talks about how we can watch Summerslam in two weeks on the WWE Network for just $9.99. He lists off a few more matches and mentions the Network price three or four more times. As for tonight, there’s going to be a Beat the Clock Challenge between Rollins (vs. Van Dam) and Ambrose (vs. Del Rio) with the winner picking the stipulation for the match at Summerslam (“Available on the WWE Network for just $9.99!”).

Stephanie talks about signing the contract with Brie tonight and how that’s going to be on the Network for….well you know the idea by now. So does the crowd as they’re finishing HHH’s lines for him. Lawler is cracking jokes about it as well, even though HHH is clearly hammering it home to play up the heel heat.

Orton says that what he did last week was nothing compared to what he’s going to do to him at Summerslam. This brings out Reigns who says that he wants to fight tonight, but HHH has another idea. They’ll fight at Summerslam (“On the WWE Network for just $9.99!”) but tonight, it’s Reigns vs. Kane in a last man standing match.

Kane vs. Roman Reigns

Last man standing. Reigns hammers away to start as the announcers talk about the Network even more. They head outside with Reigns being hammered up against the barricade and then sent into the steps for a five count. Reigns is sent into the post a few more times as the announcers continue to hammer the $9.99 joke into the ground to the point where I’m laughing at it.

We take an early break and come back with Reigns reversing Kane into a chair wedged into the corner. Some charges into the corner have Kane in even more trouble and Roman hammers away with right hands. There’s the apron boot but Kane blocks a spear. A table is brought in and Kane counters a Superman Punch into a quick chokeslam to put Reigns through the wood for nine.

Kane is frustrated and sets up a chair in the middle of the ring. The tombstone is countered and Reigns hits a DDT onto the chair. Reigns hits the Superman Punch but charges into another chokeslam. Reigns slips out again and nails a bad spear to keep Kane down for the ten count at 15:16.

Rating: C-. Well that happened. I have no idea why but it happened. This idea of throwing gimmick matches onto the card is a really bad idea. It wasn’t a very good last man standing match either as there was no way Kane was going to win. Reigns beating Kane is a good thing, but not in an unnecessary gimmick match.

We get a LONG (as in about five minutes) video on Brock vs. Cena, with sitdown promos from both guys, talking about how awesome they are and saying this is going to be the fight of their lives, even though Brock knows he’s going to win. This is a really solid video with clips of the Extreme Rules match and the Streak being broken. We even get stills from some UFC fights. Brock says if he had stayed in the WWE, Cena would be sitting at home eating Fruity Pebbles instead of getting paid to eat them on TV. Lesnar promises to leave Cena in a pool of his own blood.

Network plug.

Here’s Damien Sandow as an Oklahoma Sooner football player. He rips on the Texas Longhorns before his opponent is announced as a former Longhorn.

Mark Henry vs. Damien Sandow

World’s Strongest Slam, Henry walks around, pin in 40 seconds. Not quite the battle to save Christmas.

Adam Rose is in the back and looks at the Oculus Mirror. He says it shows your nightmare, so we see him in a suit as a businessman. Rose and the Rosebuds leave after this STUPID segment.

Beat the Clock: Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio

Jerry: “I hope this match goes 10:39.” Cole: “Why?” Jerry: “Then it would be 9.99!” Del Rio takes over with some kicks including a dropkick to the back of the head for two. Some choking in the corner has Dean in trouble but he comes back with some right hands of his own. They head outside with Del Rio sending Ambrose hard into the barricade. Back in and Del Rio hammers away on the bad arm and sends it into the post.

An armbar goes nowhere and Del Rio jumps into a boot. Dean makes his comeback but gets caught by the low superkick for two. Alberto sends him out to the floor and we take a break. Back with Deal fighting out of another armbar but getting taken right back down. Del Rio accidentally kicks the post instead of Dean’s shoulder and gets caught in a DDT.

Del Rio counters the Dirty Deeds and hits a VERY low reverse superplex for two. The Rebound Clothesline gets two on Alberto but he counters Dirty Deeds into a Codebreaker on the arm. The armbreaker over the ropes has the arm in even more trouble but Dean nails Dirty Deeds for the pin at 15:42.

Rating: D+. WAY too long here as they could have done this in about half the time. The arm stuff is fine but it gets annoying to see it week after week after week. Del Rio being down in the midcard is a good thing for him as he just does not fit in the main event. Ambrose vs. Rollins should rock, as long as they keep the energy up.

Long recap of Stephanie and Brie last week.

Rusev vs. Sin Cara

This match took place during the break on the WWE App with Rusev winning a squash in about 45 seconds via the Accolade. Uh….sweet?

Post match we get pictures of Obama holding a dog and Putin holding what looks like a cheetah. Lana sings Happy Birthday to Obama in Russian until Colter and Swagger interrupt. Colter goes on a rant about how everyone is sick of Lana’s Russian ramblings and shows some photos of American men and women Swagger is fighting for. He cranks it up by showing stills of American soldiers and the USA chant begins. Rusev and Lana pretend to back off but Rusev nails Swagger with the Russian flag. Colter is left alone but Lana calls Rusev off.

The big Network announcement: it’s going international on August 12 and to England on October 1.

Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler

Miz is on commentary drinking tea because he has a hoarse voice. Cesaro throws Ziggler around with ease but has a suplex reversed into the Zig Zag for the pin at 2:58. Nothing match but Cesaro gets to job AGAIN.

Post match Miz gets in the ring but runs from a superkick.

After a clip of Paige knocking AJ off the stage last week, Paige says she admires AJ and that she can’t wait for their match at Summerslam.

Stardust/Goldust vs. Ryback/Curtis Axel

Goldust hammers on Ryback to start but gets taken into the wrong corner for some quick double teaming. A suplex gets two on Goldust and it’s off to Axel, who quickly allows Goldust to roll over for the tag to Stardust. Everything breaks down and Dark Matter (Downward Spiral) to Axel gets the pin at 2:50.

Kane comes in to see the Authority and takes off his mask, hands it to Stephanie, and leaves.

Chris Jericho vs. Luke Harper

If Jericho wins, Harper is barred from ringside at Summerslam. Jericho gets taken down into the corner but comes back with chops, only to get run over with a forearm. Off to the Gator Roll but Jericho fights up again with chops. An enziguri gets two on Luke but he comes back with a Michinoku Driver for the same.

There’s a big sitout powerbomb for the same and Harper calmly smiles. Back up and Jericho grabs the Walls but Bray comes out for a distraction. Harper is down so Jericho has to hit the Codebreaker on Harper. The distraction….doesn’t work as a Codebreaker puts Harper on the floor, only to have Bray come in for the DQ at 5:20.

Rating: C. This was fine and sets up Jericho vs. Bray one on one at Summerslam, but I really would have liked to see Harper vs. Jericho get about fifteen minutes instead of five. The ending was kind of surprising, but at least Bray’s distraction wasn’t the cause of a pin. It seems like they’re almost mocking that now, so maybe its time is almost over.

Sister Abigail lays out Jericho post match.

AJ Lee returns tomorrow night on Main Event. In other words, she missed Raw and has been gone for three days?

Diego vs. Fandango

Because THIS needed a trilogy. This time, Fandango has Hornswoggle as his new dance partner. Diego easily takes Fandango down but gets distracted by Hornswoggle. It backfires on the dancer though and another Backstabber gets the pin on Fandango at 48 seconds.

Hornswoggle joins Diego, Torito, and the girls but Fandango gets annoyed. That goes nowhere and Fandango is dispatched again, because this story needed to be done three times.

Orton looks at a video of his attack on Reigns last week and says that he’s going to do even worse at Summerslam.

Bo Dallas vs. R-Truth

Now how did I know it would be R-Truth again? Truth shoves him around to start but misses the ax kick. Dallas rolls him up with a handful of tights for the pin at 1:05.

JBL now has a $9.99 sign.

Bray comes up on screen and asks why the man does what he does. Why does the man say what he says and why don’t the sheep run from the hungry wolf? At Summerslam, he enters battle without his brothers. He won’t be alone though because her hand guides him and the world leaves him behind. How can Jericho save what is already dead? What is Bray? He’s the nightmare at the end of Jericho’s dreams and he stands beyond time. Time to sing.

The announcers plug Brock vs. Cena from Extreme Rules airing immediately after Raw on the Network.

More from the Lesnar and Cena interviews in another solid video. This is a nice way to cover Brock and Cena not being there tonight. This time Brock says he’s back to be WWE Champion and is coming off the biggest win of his career. Why shouldn’t he have been able to beat Undertaker? The Undertaker wasn’t a god and Brock Lesnar is a beast. Now why can’t he beat Cena? John talks about how he knows what kind of a beating he’s in for but he knows what it takes to beat Brock. If Lesnar wants some, come get some. We get some of the same clips from the first video as well.

Beat The Clock Challenge: Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins

I forgot this was happening. Seth has to beat 15:42. JBL actually picks Van Dam to win here because Seth is going to be thinking about the clock. Actually scratch this as the Authority has a replacement for Van Dam.

Beat The Clock Challenge: Heath Slater vs. Seth Rollins

Rollins allows Slater to leave but Heath fires off some right hands. Ambrose comes out for a distraction, allowing Slater to get a VERY close two off a running neckbreaker. Now Dean takes the briefcase and starts looking through it, even ripping up Seth’s contract. This distraction lets Slater hit a side kick for an even closer two. Dean starts drinking a fan’s soda and pours it into the briefcase. He follows it up with popcorn and JBL’s hat as Rollins keeps shouting at him. Dean gets up on the table, and you know that’s enough for Slater to get a rollup pin at 4:56.

Rating: D+. I’m skeptical to rate this as a wrestling match but it was really solid as an angle. Dean playing the mind games before the showdown is nothing but gold and the showdown is going to be awesome. The stipulations could make or break the match though as they need to have an all out brawl.

One more Network ad, this time for the Cena vs. Lesnar match from 2012 airing after the show.

Time for the main event segment: Brie and Stephanie’s contract signing. HHH comes out to back up his wife and Brie of course has Nikki. HHH says that he’s the COO and would usually be in charge of this, but since he has a conflict of interest, it’s Michael Cole in charge. The bosses kiss a bit so Brie says let’s get to it. Stephanie finally brings up Daniel Bryan, who is still recovering.

Brie shows us Stephanie being arrested two weeks ago to drag this out even more. She makes some bizarre references to Stephanie being with some woman during her time in jail before saying she’ll humiliate Stephanie in front of the universe at Summerslam. This is going to be for Daniel Bryan, Vickie Guerrero, the Rhodes Family, and every other person on the roster that Stephanie has tortured. A quick Punk chant starts up as Brie talks about karma coming around onto Stephanie.

Now it’s Stephanie’s turn as she calls Brie a wannabe reality star who stole the spotlight from her sister and abandoned her husband. Stephanie is already embarrassed to be in the same ring as Brie and isn’t going to let her make history at Summerslam. She slaps Nikki and shoves the table into Brie’s stomach, sending her into the corner. A Pedigree from Stephanie lays out Nikki but Brie slaps HHH. Stephanie nails Brie and lays her out with a Pedigree as well. The Authority kisses some more to end the show.

Time for the main event segment: Brie and Stephanie’s contract signing. HHH comes out to back up his wife and Brie of course has Nikki. HHH says that he’s the COO and would usually be in charge of this, but since he has a conflict of interest, it’s Michael Cole in charge. The bosses kiss a bit so Brie says let’s get to it. Stephanie finally brings up Daniel Bryan, who is still recovering.

Brie shows us Stephanie being arrested two weeks ago to drag this out even more. She makes some bizarre references to Stephanie being with some woman during her time in jail before saying she’ll humiliate Stephanie in front of the universe at Summerslam. This is going to be for Daniel Bryan, Vickie Guerrero, the Rhodes Family, and every other person on the roster that Stephanie has tortured. A quick Punk chant starts up as Brie talks about karma coming around onto Stephanie.

Now it’s Stephanie’s turn as she calls Brie a wannabe reality star who stole the spotlight from her sister and abandoned her husband. Stephanie is already embarrassed to be in the same ring as Brie and isn’t going to let her make history at Summerslam. She slaps Nikki and shoves the table into Brie’s stomach, sending her into the corner. A Pedigree from Stephanie lays out Nikki but Brie slaps HHH. Stephanie nails Brie and lays her out with a Pedigree as well. The Authority kisses some more to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. This show felt REALLY long and had far too much stuff that ate up a lot of time. When you have your third meetings between Fandango and Diego and then Bo Dallas and R-Truth, you can tell they’re just filling in time. It’s also proof that Cena really picks up a show as there was almost no energy to so much of this stuff. Is Kane unmasking for like the third time supposed to get my attention? That’s the best they’ve got?

Of course I have to mention all the $9.99 stuff. I get what they were going for with the evil boss plugging stuff like a businessman would, but later on when the announcers were doing it seemingly of their own free will, it takes away the evil and comes off like a lame commercial. This is WWE in a nutshell though: if something doesn’t work, keep doing it until someone buys it out of pity.

Results
Roman Reigns b. Kane – Kane couldn’t answer the ten count
Mark Henry b. Damien Sandow – World’s Strongest Slam
Dean Ambrose b. Alberto Del Rio – Dirty Deeds
Rusev b. Sin Cara – Accolade
Dolph Ziggler b. Cesaro – Zig Zag
Goldust/Stardust b. Curtis Axel/Ryback – Dark Matter to Axel
Diego b. Fernando – Backstabber
Bo Dallas b. R-Truth – Rollup with a handful of tights
Heath Slater b. Seth Rollins – Rollup

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