Hell In A Cell 2009: The Death Of The Cell

Hell In A Cell 2009
Date: October 4, 2009
Location: Prudential Center, Newark, New Jersey
Attendance: 16,186
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Todd Grisham, Michael Cole

So here we are again as Vince tries to turn one match into a whole PPV, this time having three Cell matches. Not overkill at all there, not a bit of it. This has all of the big matches in the Cell other than the ECW Title because that’s not a real world title right? Other than that there’s not much on the card as it’s pretty run of the mill. Again I’m trying to bridge the gap between what’s going on at the moment and the past so getting all of the 2009 shows done helps a lot with that. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is of course about chicken pot pie and the history of q-tips. What else would it be about? The announcers run down the card and we’re ready to go.

We recap Punk vs. Taker which more or less was just their match at Breaking Point and then Taker beating up Teddy Long. I think we all knew Punk was losing here but we didn’t know how.

Smackdown World Title: CM Punk vs. Undertaker

Taker gets a freaking POP. After the big match intros, Taker is beating the tar out of him. That can’t be a good sign. Ross explains that the support beams are supporting the structure. Thanks for that Jimmy Boy. The fans are split with an INSANE Undertaker/CM Punk dueling chant.

Punk goes on offense for about 40 seconds and then that ends. Taker is selling the knee so I can’t complain about him not doing that. A TMNT game is the sponsor for this and it’s weird seeing that logo on every replay they do. Punk throws a suicide dive and slams into the cage where he might have legit hurt his hand. Don’t think he did but it’s close either way.

Taker gets a SWEET big boot and legdrop as he unleashes his internal Hulk Hogan which is kind of creepy. To be fair here: he sells the knee the whole time. That’s what people are talking about with psychology and storytelling. Punk worked on the knee early and now that we’re well into the match, that work is being brought up again.

It ties the match together and gives meaning to the stuff done earlier in the match. After some chair shots, Punk sends Taker into the corner and goes for his running knee/bulldog combo but gets caught in the Last Ride where Taker kind of just throws him which looked great but it only got two.

Old School, the most counterable move in the world, is countered (thank goodness) and Punk is back on offense. A chokeslam with more knee selling ends that though. And the Tombstone starts the title reign that he’s on as of this writing. Dang it sounds weird to say that.

Rating: D. For a regular match this is a solid B, but as a Cell match this is a total joke. The cage was used in ONE spot and other than that it was a one on one match. That’s just dumb and further proof of how dumb of an idea that this is. There was a rumor/story that Punk was punished for not dressing right on the road as champion. Screw that man. With all the shenanigans Shawn used to get away with he never got treated like this.

That’s just dumb. I get giving Taker the belt, but dang it’s stupid if that’s the reason for making Punk look weak here. This wasn’t quite a squash but Punk looked weak as all goodness, which to be fair I think was because he was against Taker in the Cell so there we are.

Ad for Bragging Rights.

Intercontinental Title: John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler

WOW this feud seems like it was years ago when it was like 4 months. Morrison comes out first which is really weird when you think about it. Ziggler’s music is awesome if nothing else. That shinny thing that Dolph does to get out of his vest is nice. This is the day after Morrison turned thirty in case you were interested for some odd stalker based reason. What in the heck is up with Dolph’s hair? And why hasn’t Word heard of the word Dolph?

Didn’t it ever see Rocky IV? It amazes me how Morrison showed so much promise and Miz is flat out better than he is at the moment. They’re using a more mat based thing here which is odd but it’s not terrible I suppose. Just as I say that Morrison goes to the air and misses Starship Pain.

Ziggler is good at being the obnoxious heel but he needs a different name if he’s ever going to be taken seriously. But hey, it’s “realistic” right? Love that corner splash he does too. He’s a lot better technically than I would have guessed him to be. Morrison starts his comeback and the crowd is really hot tonight which makes this a better show as it does in all cases.

That standing Shooting Star Press is either overrated or awesome and either way it’s as all goodness. Not sure which though. They’re hitting some sweet near falls here. Ziggler uses a jawbreaker of some kind but it came off looking really weird. Morrison sells the neck work that Ziggler did. That’s a great sign as so few people do it.

I’m liking this match a good deal indeed. The near falls are getting better and better. Starship Pain is countered again which is good as Ziggler was laying there forever and it would have sucked if it hit. Crowd chants THIS IS AWESOME and they’re right. Morrison counters the ZigZag and hits a much faster Starship Pain to get the pin. Sweet match.

Rating: B+. Probably too high but this was a very fun match. The near falls were great and at times they had me believing Morrison wasn’t a lock to win which is the best thing a match can do: get you to believe something you know it’s true and that’s what they did here. This was very fun though as it was given the time to flesh itself out as it had over 15 minutes to work with. The IC Title hunt was just awesome at this time and this was no exception.

Josh is with Batista and Rey who were about to start the worst feud of the year which I had the luck of being at the first and last matches of. Lucky me. They have Jerishow tonight. Oh joy.

And the TMNT are here, dancing in the balcony. They’re 25 years old now. That’s just freaking scary. They mention the new movie coming out in 2011, which is awesome. We get a clip of their new game which almost made me buy a Wii.

Raw Women’s Title: Alicia Fox vs. Mickie James

For the life of me I have never gotten why Fox was given a push. It made ZERO sense so they did it anyway of course. This is exactly what you would expect it to be as it’s a completely standard Divas match that could be on any television show at all. Fox looks decent at best but she’s just not that impressive.

She’s fabulous apparently though which I just don’t get I guess. Mickie hits a Thesz Press off the top for two as this is very boring indeed. She follows that up with a HORRIBLE botch of the Jumping DDT to keep the title.

Rating: D. Like I said this could have been on any Raw and it would have been just as dreadful. At least they kept it short. That Smart Sexy and Powerful thing is a joke if there’s ever been one. This was really weak though as most Diva matches are to be fair.

Don’t try this at home.

Tag Titles: Chris Jericho/Big Show vs. Batista/Rey Mysterio

This was considered a lock of new champions for some odd reason. Naturally they referenced Eddie at least once in the buildup to this match. Get over it. He’s dead. Were we ever told why Rey and Batista were best friends or whatever? I don’t think we were. Yes they were world tag team champions. So were Eddie and Tajiri.

Why do we need Show and Batista here? Why are either of them associated with Smackdown? Batista was sent there in order to give it star power and since then the quality of the show has gone down quickly. But hey, we have a muscle guy on the show now right?

For zero apparent reason the faces are working over the right arm of Jericho. That’s just odd as all goodness . Oh look Rey vs. Show. This hasn’t been done in at least 5 weeks so it’s a fresh angle. Rey vs. monster is eternally good right? So says Vince at least. He chops the heck out of Rey and knocks him to the floor. That’s sweet if nothing else. Show pulls him from the floor with one hand by his mask. That’s just completely amazing.

We go to a REALLY wide shot of the arena for no apparent reason. Batista gets the hot tag and beats up both guys. This is your standard main event tag to this point which means it’s ok but nothing epic to say the least. The spinebuster gets two on Jericho. Codebreaker does the same but switch the recipient to Joan Crawford then substitute in Batista. Ok so I’m bad at random jokes.

Batista is getting beaten down now so they’re going with Rey for the big save. When Jericho is huge compared to Rey, that’s a really bad sign. Oy it’s Rey vs. Show again. Rey gets a decent springboard DDT and then is launched across the ring on a kickout.

They say that would have been a huge upset, even though Rey is a former world champion. That makes sense right? Show pulls Jericho out of the way of a 619 and Batista spears both of them down at once. Rey hits it on Show and then goes for a springboard something and jumps into the fist. That looked PAINFUL.

Rating: C+. This started off generic and got slightly less generic as it went on. This right here is everything wrong with tag wrestling today: take two teams of guys with nothing in common and throw them together and they’re one of the top tag teams in the world. That makes so little sense I don’t even know where to begin. The match was your standard main event tag match and it worked like they usually do: not bad but nothing epic.

We recap Cena vs. Orton which should only take a few hours. Mainly it’s just the rematch from Breaking Point. The thing is about this match, it actually makes sense to put them in the Cell for a change as it’s a very longstanding feud so there’s nothing wrong with this. We get clips from Raw where Cena FUed Orton on top of it and it bent. That was cool if nothing else.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. Randy Orton

Orton gets a small face pop again. All right I’ll say it: I love Cena’s theme song and I sing along at times. Cena is champion here and this is Orton’s last shot allegedly. This is the first ever Cell match that HHH or Taker weren’t in. That’s saying a lot when you think about it. Orton takes over early and is in control. King offers analysis of what’s going on. Why? He’s never been in one of these things so what kind of knowledge can he have of them?

Crowd is TOTALLY behind Orton here. They’re 3 minutes in and they’ve used the cage FAR more than Taker and Punk did, which isn’t saying much at all really but whatever. They’re using the cage to jump up higher for kicks and getting slammed into it a bit, but the problem is you could use the posts or the apron for everything they’re doing.

The best version ever of the match was Shawn vs. Taker, as Shawn was scared to death of him and couldn’t get out. He was trapped in a nightmare with the devil. That’s the idea of the match. Instead here it’s just a hardcore match in a cage. Now to be fair, just about every match ever in the Cell is like that anymore so it’s hardly a problem that just this match is having.

Cena blocks the elevated DDT onto the steps. No one is keeping control for more than just a little bit which I’m not sure if I like or not. They’re just standing around in a match that’s supposed to be all about violence. What sense does something like that even begin to make? Cena begins his comeback with his usual stuff and I have zero clue why this is in the Cell.

The elevated DDT hits after Orton takes over. The FU gets two and we’re in the kicking out of finishers segment already. Shockingly, an Orton match is going VERY slowly. Orton hits Cena in the neck with a chair! Hey kids! Hit someone in the neck with a chair! It’s on a PG show so it’s all good. Orton has demons? Cool.

I wonder if Vince tells the camera guys to focus on Orton when he’s in crazy mode as it looks like he’s orgasming or something like that. Cena works the knee for like two seconds and Orton tries to get out of the STFU. He gets it again for the tap but the referee was knocked down. What a shame!

RKO gets two. Orton ties Cena up in the ropes for no adequately explored reason. In something that I laughed out loud at, he uses a chinlock while Cena is tied in the ropes. Seriously, why am I not surprised? Orton lets go for no adequately explored reason. He punts Cena and wins the title. The 4 seconds of knee work Cena did earlier was the explanation of why Orton’s punt didn’t put Cena on the shelf. That’s just freaking stupid but whatever.

Rating: D. Again, for a Cell match, this was awful but for a regular match this would have been ok. The Cell use here was better than in the Taker match, but at the same time there just isn’t enough here to validate having the Cell being in play here.

Also having seen it earlier in the night it makes it seem FAR less interesting. The psychology was more or less nonexistent here too. Overall just not good. Keep in mind: had this been a street fight or whatever, it’s probably a B. As for a Cell match though which it was, this was awful.

Ad for Allied Powers which I really need to finish as I’ve been stuck in the middle of it for like 4 months now.

R-Truth of all people gets interview time. He’s had issues with Drew McIntyre lately. They recap that and I truly couldn’t care less. This might be the picture in the dictionary under pointless filler.

Drew McIntyre vs. R-Truth

McIntyre is just flat out boring, no matter how you look at him. But hey, Vince apparently likes him so get ready to be stuck with him. Wow. I think the crowd here is certifiably dead. The scissors kick misses and so does Drew’s finisher. That DDT of his ends it. Seriously those were the highlights of a 5 minute match. Nothing here at all.

Rating: F+. Seriously, this would have sucked on television or even on a house show. Ross says he could be greater than Piper. I give up.

Legacy congratulates Orton on his title win. Orton tries to do the whole Cell changes you thing. It’s stupid after that match to say the least. The seeds are planted for the Legacy breakup which I don’t think has happened yet.

Ad for Bragging Rights.

US Title: Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger

Who would have dreamed that at this point, the by far biggest deal of these three would be Miz? And that Swagger hasn’t actually won anything yet. This is the night before Big Ben hosted Raw. Can we PLEASE get some new material for the triple threat matches?

This is your standard stuff for the triple threat match as the heels work together and then fight over who gets a pin so Kofi can get back up. Miz is running this match actually. Yes I’m a Miz mark. Get over it. Fans like Swagger apparently. This is another match that could have been on television but it’s still ahead of McIntyre and Truth.

I’d prefer a one on one match but that’s just me. Kofi kicks the heck out of Swagger and Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Kofi but Swagger kind of makes the save. The powerbomb hits on Miz but ANOTHER kick to Swagger lets Kofi pin Miz instead. Picked up A LOT at the end.

Rating: C. This would have been far lower but the last two minutes were way better than the first five so it gets pulled up to ok. Still though, this could have been on any Raw and it would have done just fine. Miz would take the title the next night clean. Why couldn’t they do that here instead?

We recap Legacy vs. DX. New vs. Old. There’s your recap.

D-Generation X vs. Legacy

Seriously, THIS goes on last? The fight starts on the floor and it’s DX beating on Rhodes. Oh the match hasn’t started yet. Oh joy indeed. Keep in mind: DX is CONTROVERSIAL. Keep that in mind. HHH is in the crowd. We haven’t been in the Cell yet. Legacy and HHH are up by the freaking entrance and Shawn is down at ringside. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THE CAGE???

HEY Ted went into the cage. And now he’s back out and I didn’t even get to finish typing that sentence. Cody is mostly in it now. HHH is down on the ramp by the way. Shawn’s foot is in. Ok, so now everyone but HHH is in the cage now. So in other words, the match hasn’t actually started yet still because it’s supposed to be the two teams IN a HIAC match. This is a handicap in a Cell even though the bell rings. My head hurts.

Aww Shawn looks like a sad puppy. HHH is laying on the ramp with his arms at his sides, likely saying he can be a better messiah than anyone else can. So in case the first 40 times didn’t make it clear, IT’S TWO ON ONE! Naturally Legacy isn’t capable of the idea of you hold I’ll hit. Oh the Cell makes it 3-1 apparently. Keep that in mind: Shawn is against INSANE odds.

Shawn finds a chair and pelts it at Cody. That looked painful. HHH is back up again. Shawn, on a bad knee, does the RVD Spider Man thing. Sure why not. HHH still can’t get in. Shawn kicks DiBiase and I hate this match quite a bit. This would be THE GREATEST WIN OF SHAWN’S CAREER. Cole do you even think before you talk? Shawn takes the crucified position for awhile now. HHH tries using a chair to get in. WHY NOT JUST USE BOLT CUTTERS!

He’s stood there like ten minutes just trying to get in while Ted yells at him. The idiocy here astounds me. Hey, let’s just stand here talking while the most resilient wrestler ever is down. That won’t be a bad idea at all will it? HHH finally grows a brain and leaves. Legacy, FREAKING DO SOMETHING. Seriously, they hit him like twice and then stand around more.

This is another match like Mania 25’s main event where they tried to do something cool and it failed miserably. The do kind of a Van Terminator. How interesting. They use the double submission that they won with at Breaking Point which of course they let go of after about 4 seconds. Oh and look: HHH is back WITH BOLT CUTTERS!

He gets in and you know the rest. Only took 20 minutes to actually start the match. Apparently he had to go to an equipment truck to get them because you know, there weren’t any around in case they needed to get into the Cell or anything like that right? The Cell isn’t locked anyway so the match isn’t as advertised anyway. OK!

Now it’s locked with all four in, so the advertised main event begins with five and a half minutes to go in the show. Halloween Havoc 98 anyone? In a stupid as cheese spot, they wrap the chair around Ted’s NECK and Shawn drops a top rope elbow on it. Yep he should be dead. Sledgehammer time. Ted is outside now as I guess they threw him out. He’s back up 8 seconds after something that in storyline terms should have broken his neck. They easily pin Cody. Big old celebration ends the show.

Rating: C-. Ok, here the cage actually came into play so BIG points for that. Even still though, a Cell match should be at least a B-/B simply due to it being in the Cell and it being so RARE. More on that later. This was an actual 2-2 match in the Cell for about 2 minutes. They tries here so I can give them that, but still this was just not that good and really underwhelming for a Cell match.

Overall Rating: D-. Now I know a lot of you will say that it wasn’t that bad. That’s the point. For a normal PPV, this indeed would have been decent. However, THREE Cell matches in one night? There were times where we didn’t see it for a freaking year and we get three in one night? What sense does that even begin to make? With three Cell matches, it’s just too much overall. Two of them were just flat out not needing the cage.

The first match was really bad about this. Also, ZERO BLOOD. It’s HELL in a Cell. Not slight discomfort in a Cell. HELL in a Cell. These matches weren’t brutal or anything like that. They were regular matches other than arguably the main event in a cage. This completely missed for me on just about all levels. Really bad show but some people might like it I guess. Take a pass in my mind. Oh yeah: Morrison and Ziggler was good so this doesn’t fail.

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