Thunder – December 9, 1999: Now With A-List Awful

Thunder
Date: December 9, 1999
Location: Dane County Coliseum, Madison, Wisconsin
Attendance: 3,953
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Juventud Guerrera

I can’t believe I’m saying this but there’s a slight chance this could be an interesting episode. On Nitro, Russo promised A-List stars on this show. Now given how things work around here, you could have Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan and the Rock in every segment and somehow WCW would manage to screw it up, but at least the stars would be more interesting. Let’s get to it.

Here are the Outsiders with a ladder to get things going. Hall sets it up and pretends to fall off, which would be funnier if Hall wasn’t a constant threat to have a major accident every five minutes. He knows Benoit is just in this match for the raise and knows he can’t handle a regular match, so he’s asked for it to be a ladder match. Benoit should go rent a tape of the ladder match with Shawn to see what he’s getting into.

Nash wants to talk about all the people around here with chips on their shoulders, including Sid. If Sid wants to walk around like a big man, Nash has a powerbomb waiting on him. This brings out Sid to say that he’s the man. Nash: “Is Vader booked?” Sid charges the ring and goes after Nash, knocking the ladder over in the process. He loads up Nash for the powerbomb but Hall nails him in the back with the ladder. Dustin Rhodes runs out for the save, drawing out Jeff Jarrett and Benoit with the bad guys getting the better of it and setting up a likely six man main event.

Tenay talks about Rhonda Singh getting a Cruiserweight Title shot tonight but Madusa comes out to say Singh isn’t a cruiserweight. Singh is getting a title shot over Madusa’s dead body. “Does this body look dead to you?” Well it’s certainly in need of support.

Juventud Guerrera and Psychosis come out with Juvi’s Rock impression getting SILENCE. Apparently Juvy is joining Tenay in the booth for the night. Oh good grief this is going to be a long night.

Nitro recap.

Dean Malenko vs. Booker T.

Well that’s better tha most matches we get on this show so maybe things are looking up. Maybe I should stop having false hope. Before the match, Shane Douglas challenges Jim Duggan to find three friends for an eight man tag at Starrcade. If the Revolution loses, they’ll be WCW’s janitors for a month, but if Duggan loses, he renounces his American citizenship. Well sure, why not. Malenko calls Dave Penzer a typical American and Saturn quotes Stripes.

Booker (with Stevie) nails Dean with a forearm and the ax kick to start but Dean pokes him in the eye and sends him outside. Saturn and Stevie get into it on the floor as Booker goes back inside for a spinebuster. Booker loads up another ax kick but Shane nails him in the head with the cast, setting up the Cloverleaf on the unconscious Booker for the quick win.

Duggan comes out to make the save, exciting Juvy WAY too much. Yeah the Revolution is getting more screen time, but it’s leading to a Jim Duggan match. That’s the disconnect with Russo: he knows how to make the buildup work, but the end result is usually a disaster.

Sid, Benoit and Rhodes jump Creative Control and Shane outside Russo’s office. After a break, the six man is made.

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea vs. Vampiro

Iaukea comes out to a bunch of candles as we enter another Russo standard: giving someone a really lame character which is somehow better than the one they previously had but still stupid. Juvy calls Vampiro a jabroni for stealing the Juvy Driver. The bell rings and let’s cut to Oklahoma coming out instead of watching the openin…..maybe Oklahoma is the better option here.

We come back to the ring to see Prince blowing a kiss to Paisley (later known as Queen Sharmell) and superkicking Vampiro down. That’s nice and all, but let’s cut to Roddy Piper who is GETTING OUT OF A LIMO. Back to the ring with Vampiro whipping him into the barricade but heading back inside for a spinebuster from Prince. Oklahoma hits on Paisley as Vampiro lands on his feet out of a monkey flip and superkicks Prince for the pin. This match was less than two and a half minutes long and somehow squeezed in Oklahoma’s entrance, Oklahoma hitting on Paisely, Piper getting out of a limo and two superkicks.

Prince goes after Oklahoma post match and gets beaten up by Dr. Death.

Russo fires Mona for losing on Monday. Good. Go be the adorable Molly Holly and get to actually show off a bit instead. Rhonda Singh comes in and thanks Russo as Hennig and the twins snicker at her weight. She has a plan to get ratings. Could that plan be to have a boss who makes sure that every viewer knows that women are totally beneath him and how powerful he is over them? Oh and that Singh is fat and we should all laugh at her?

Roddy Piper and Nick Patrick have a chat for the sake of plot convenience. There’s a new ruling that says all referee decisions are final. When was this not the case?

Saturn and Stevie Ray fight in the back.

Goldberg/Bret Hart get a Tag Team Title shot tonight and don’t have much to say about it.

Rhonda Singh vs. Madusa

Evan Karagias is on commentary, so I guess the title match was dropped somewhere in the 40 minutes since it was announced. Singh shoves her down to start and runs her over with the power of fat. Evan uses pop lyrics to describe his feelings for Madusa, who avoids a middle rope splash. A quick middle rope dropkick knocks Singh down as Evan gets on the apron. Madusa kisses him but it’s just a distraction so Singh can miss a charge and knock Karagias off the apron, allowing Madusa to get a rollup pin.

Time for Singh’s big ratings ploy: stripping! Juvy loves it but the lights start flickering. You can see someone jumping Singh and knocking her out.

David Flair starts talking about his match in the Block (boiler room) with Jerry Flynn. He starts saying To Be The Man but cracks up instead.

We’re about halfway through the show. Total match time: 5:53.

Stevie nails Saturn with a Surge container.

David Flair goes to fight Flynn in the boiler room but runs into Buzzkill, who wants them to give peace a chance. David tries to hit him with the crowbar but Flynn takes him down. Cue Tank Abbott for the first time in about six and a half months to lay out Flynn. This was billed as a match, believe it or not.

Tag Team Titles: Goldberg/Bret Hart vs. Creative Control

Bret and we’ll say Gerald get things going with Hart hammering on the arm. The twins start double teaming to take over as the fans already want Goldberg. A clothesline gets a very quick two count from Slick Johnson, drawing in Roddy Piper for you “wrestling isn’t enough for you so here’s something else” entertainment. Goldberg comes in without a tag and cleans house with a spear, setting up a double finish with the Sharpshooter and Jackhammer to give us new champions.

Rating: D. Longest match of the night so far at three minutes and featured the illegal man getting the pin, a crooked referee, a replacement referee, and an argument between referees. Somehow that equals out to nothing to see here other than Russo’s favorite story: wacky partners about to fight at Starrcade. I believe this makes Hart the first Triple Crown Champion of two companies.

Post match Bret shakes Goldberg’s hand and says may the best man win at Starrcade.

Stevie and Saturn fight some more but Juvy says this doesn’t matter. Neither does most of this show, but at least it doesn’t matter with bigger names this week.

Saturn vs. Stevie Ray

Stevie starts fast with a corner clothesline but tries again and eats two boots to the face. Snake Eyes and a t-bone suplex set up a dropkick for two on Stevie but he comes back with a press slam. The referee breaks up a stomping in the corner, earning him a bump in the process. I can’t believe it but they managed to make it five whole matches before the first ref bump. Cue Creative Control to lay out Stevie, giving Saturn the cheap pin (with feet on the ropes like he should be doing).

Russo tells Piper that he’ll never work in this business again.

Sting doesn’t care about Diamond Dallas “Trash’s” (is he related to Hollywood Scum Hogan?) problems but approves of Liz. You stupid, stupid man.

Total Package vs. Buff Bagwell

Juvy on Luger: “That’s the juice!” DDP comes out for commentary as Buff grabs a headlock to start. Luger shrugs off some arm cranking but misses a clothesline and gets slammed twice. Bagwell kicks him low and gets two off a neckbreaker, sending Luger outside. Page: “I’m going to shoot my own angle.” He gets up and gets in a fight with Bagwell, drawing out the agents to break it up for the no contest. We’re still waiting on a match to break three minutes tonight (the Tag Title match was three minutes even).

Duggan asks Russo for a match tonight but is told no one cares about him.

Jim Duggan vs. Asya

ENOUGH OF THE MAN VS. WOMAN STUFF! It worked with Chyna but this has been old for weeks now. And no match as Creative Control, La Parka and Hennig run in to beat down Duggan. The Revolution comes out with hot dogs and pies to make it a big mess. Harlem Heat comes out for the save.

Benoit/Sid/Rhodes are ready for the main event.

Sting vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Liz is with Sting. Sting hits the Splash and has the Deathlock on in less than 30 seconds but Page makes the ropes. The referee is decked (with Page changing directions to hit him) 50 seconds in and here’s Luger to lay out Sting with the ball bat. Page adds a Diamond Cutter for the pin. Diamond Dallas Page vs. Sting can’t even make a minute and forty seconds.

Scott Hall/Kevin Nash/Jeff Jarrett vs. Chris Benoit/Dustin Rhodes/Sid Vicious

It’s a huge brawl to start with Jeff and Chris being the only ones left in the ring for a slugout. Benoit hits something like an Irish Curse before tagging in Rhodes, who is sent into Nash’s forearm. Kevin comes in for some knees in the corner before it’s off to Hall for some right hands.

That’s the extent of the offense from Hall on Thunder so he brings Nash in for a single clothesline before it’s back to Jarrett. Rhodes gets caught in a sleeper but suplexes his way out, setting up a double tag to the monsters. Everything breaks down and Sid clotheslines the Outsiders down. The powerbomb is broken up by a guitar shot and Nash pins Sid.

Rating: D-. Oh screw off WCW. This was the longest match of the night at a riveting four minutes and twelve seconds. They’re clearly setting up the next incarnation of the NWO with Hall/Nash/Jarrett and my goodness it’s not interesting. When the Outsiders are only in there for a handful of seconds each, why am I supposed to be interested in setting them dominate a company? Again?

Overall Rating: F-. Eight matches for a total time of 19:47. Do you know how hard it is to not have twenty minutes of wrestling in a two hour show? I can’t remember the last time Smackdown had eight matches on a card or at least one match breaking ten minutes. This company has decided to just not have wrestling on its shows and that’s not going to work for more than a few more weeks. Total disaster of a show here and one of the biggest wastes of time I can ever remember in wrestling. Well not really wrestling on this show but you get the idea.

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