Monday Nitro – March 13, 2000: Ghosts Of Cruiserweights Gone By

Monday Nitro #231
Date: March 13, 2000
Location: Civic Center, Providence, Rhode Island
Attendance: 5,996
Commentators: Mark Madden, Tony Schiavone

It’s the go home show for Uncensored 2000, meaning we might finally get a breather from all this nonsense if we can just get through one more week. The big draw tonight is the return of Hogan and Sting, because that’s what the world needs right now. Other than that we might even be treated to more Jarrett vs. Sid build. Let’s get to it.

Ric Flair is in the back with Liz and Luger and tries to apologize for Arn making a scene on Thunder. Ric is never going to ride with the old truck again because he’s going to be riding with the Luger Ferrari. Luger says Arn is part of Team Package.

Opening sequence.

Here’s Ric Flair with the Hogan weightlifting belt and something to say. He isn’t happy to be in this God forsaken part of the world but he has a point to prove. Let’s get right to it and get Arn Anderson out here, which gives us what might be the best thing of the night: the Four Horsemen music. Ric cuts Anderson off before he can say anything and declares Team Package the replacement of the Horsemen and promises the old life can rise again.

Anderson says that would be the easy thing to do, but he’s been thinking about all those years of bleeding all over this country and proving that they were the best wrestlers in the world. What Flair is trying to do with Luger is taking the easy way and it’s guaranteed for destruction, so Anderson wants to step away as Flair’s friend, because it’s not going to work.

This brings Anderson to the strap match with Hogan at Uncensored so Arn wants Hogan to come out here right now. Cue Hulk and Flair loses his mind. Hogan cuts Flair’s ranting off but Anderson promises Hulk that he won’t be there at Uncensored because he’s taking himself out. Flair: “WHAT???” Arn walks away but Hulk comes down the aisle, talking about being the man in wrestling for twenty years. He doesn’t want to wait until Sunday and the brawl is on but Luger runs out to blast Hogan with the bat. Flair and Luger get in some shots before leaving Hogan laying, clutching his shoulder.

Just like it has been for weeks, this was one of the best segments they’ve done in a long time, but it’s all about old guys who are going to eventually have a horrible match. That’s where these segments are wasted: the matches are going to suck because the two wrestlers are about 100 years old. Yeah they were talented back in the day, but those days were a long time ago and WCW never found a way around that.

Spring Break Out preview with Rachman and the Nitro Girls.

After a break, Hogan is being checked out as Jimmy Hart and Arn Anderson look on.

3 Count vs. Jung Dragons

The Dragons are Kaz Hayashi/Jamie-San/Yang. It’s a big brawl to start and I don’t think I’m going to be able to follow most of this. Jamie-San (Noble in a small mask) hurricanranas Helms into the corner to start before it’s off to Yang for a high cross body. That earns him a superkick to the jaw but there isn’t time to sell because Kaz comes in to throw Shannon to the floor for a huge flip dive.

It’s time for the parade of dives with everyone getting one in, including Shannon who gets back in and dives onto the pile. Back in and both teams have one guy break up a pin with a top rope splash or elbow, followed by Shannon hitting a sleeper drop to finally get the pin Jamie-San.

Rating: C+. I need a commercial to catch my breath. This is the old lucha style tag that made WCW work in the first place and it was still awesome here. These six guys were out there going nuts and showing off everything they could squeeze into four minutes. The fans were blown away here and that’s exactly the idea they were going with. Get used to seeing these guys because they’re going to be fighting a lot in the future.

Luger yells at Ric in the back and they’re going to take care of Hogan tonight. Ric is way too thrilled at Luger being willing to take him back.

Curt Hennig tries to get Anderson to stay but Arn is going to see his kids.

Silver King and El Dandy are reading their fan mail when Miss Hancock comes up. Dandy: “Do we not excite your groin?” How is that not a more famous line?

The Wall vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

They brawl into the corner to start where Wall handcuffs Bigelow to the ring for the DQ in 45 seconds.

Wall goes after Bigelow in the corner but Crowbar comes in with a big metal pole, only to get another chokeslam on the bad neck for his efforts. David Flair and his crowbar (the object) get the same treatment. Bigelow: “GET ME A KEY!!!” Wall chokeslams David through Crowbar through a table and gets in a few shots on Bigelow before we go to a break.

Here’s the NWO with something to say, but first they need to eject the girls. Jarrett says not so fast though because the fans might want to see some skin. If they do, they can look down their shirt so the girls can get out of here. Now for the serious business. Jeff has been hearing about how Sid has his number, so Jeff has a highlight reel of all the guitar shots to Sid’s head. Madden: “I might watch that one when I’m alone with my baby tonight.” As for tonight, the Harris Twins want to fight Sid and anyone he can find. Sid comes out and accepts the challenge and rambles for a bit before saying Vampiro is his partner.

Crowbar is taken into the ambulance as Bigelow says this is his fault. He wants Wall at Uncensored, even though it went pretty badly about ten minutes ago?

Harlem Heat is ready for Disco Inferno tonight and Booker/Kidman on Sunday. This was nothing.

Nitro Girls.

Clip of Paul Orndorff trying to sign a guy with massive arms at Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bodybuilding show. More on this later, because we’re just that lucky.

Booker/Kidman vs. Lane/Rave

Yeah Lodi is Rave now because changing his name every few weeks is the big solution. Kidman and Lane get things going as Miss Hancock comes out to do commentary. Rave breaks up a tag attempt to do some double teaming as Hancock talks about Kidman looking good to her. Somehow Torrie hears this despite being twenty feet away and gets in Hancock’s face but nothing comes of it. Kidman dropkicks Lane out of the air as everything breaks down. Booker’s kicks put Lane down and he goes up for the missile dropkick but Kidman rolls Lane up for the pin instead.

Curt Hennig vs. Total Package

Before Curt comes to the ring, Hogan returns in the ambulance. Oh dear, oh dear. It’s a brawl to start with Hennig sending Luger into the buckle a few times and scoring with a running knee lift. A shot with the cast drops Luger but here’s Flair for the DQ. I see this is another one of those wrestling shows minus the wrestling.

Post match Hogan (with two good shoulders) comes in for the save and wants a tag match tonight.

Vampiro is in the boiler room or whatever they’re ripping off this week and broods about how much he hates Jeff Jarrett. Tonight, Jeff can’t run and hide from this freak.

Brian Knobbs is looking for the Dog and finds him drinking from a toilet.

More Spring Break Out stuff.

The tag match is set for tonight.

Nitro Girls.

Sid is ready for Jarrett on Sunday. Powerbombs are promised.

Norman Smiley vs. The Dog

Dog has a hood on his head to calm him down so Norman comes up behind him for the spanking dance. Knobbs goes after Norman until the Demon comes out to even things up, Lane and Rave come out to take out Demon, and Norman makes the Dog tap to the Norman’s Conquest. This took about a minute total.

Knobbs says he’s hardcore and wants a fight with anyone right now.

Brian Knobbs vs. Terry Funk

Brian meets him with a trashcan shot as Funk gets in before a second puts Funk right back outside. Funk comes back by crashing some trashcan lids over Knobbs’ head before they fight into the crowd. Back in and they fight over a trashcan by lifting it into the air with both guys pulling it down onto the other’s head over and over. This brings out Evan and Shannon from 3 Count (Shane is still injured from earlier) to knock Brian out with the Hardcore Title to give Terry the pin.

Terry comes back in with the chicken to clean house (because that’s still a thing) but Dustin Rhodes runs out with the bullrope (because that’s still a thing) to lay out Funk.

Finlay is going to beat up Vampiro in their hardcore match on Sunday. That’s Vampiro’s reward for all his main event stuff because the US Title is being held hostage by the NWO. Again.

Vampiro/Sid Vicious vs. Harris Twins

Sid pounds on Don in the corner to start but the Twins quickly take over on Vampiro with Don getting two off a side slam. Ron charges into a spinning kick in the corner but the Twins cheat to stay in control. Vampiro is all like “whatever. Raven never said BRING IT ON so why should I?” The H Bomb puts Vampiro down but Sid tagged himself in to powerbomb Don for the pin.

Rating: D. So again, Vampiro is just kind of there as the rest of the boring people do their thing. To be fair, it’s not like Vampiro ever had a chance to do anything in the main event scene because he’s young and has flashes of charisma, meaning he had to be crushed at the soonest possible opportunity.

More Spring Break Out stuff because this is supposed to be interesting. I love how WCW insisted that everything had to be live but 3 Count is at these things so they’re not even trying to hide it here.

Flair and Luger are ready for tonight’s main event.

Stevie Ray vs. Disco Inferno

We cut to the back where the Harris Twins are beating up the Mamalukes to make Disco come out here alone. Not knowing this, Disco says the Mamalukes will put the belts on the line against any two members of Harlem Heat right now. Disco thinks he has the night off but Big T. and Cash disagree. Stevie drapes Disco over the top and kicks him in the face to start as Disco shouts for the Mamalukes to come save him. Back in and Disco grabs a swinging neckbreaker but Stevie Slapjacks him down for the easy pin. I’m not sure what the point of this was but it did fill in five minutes.

Hogan and Hennig are ready for the main event as well.

Team Package vs. Curt Hennig/Hulk Hogan

Team Package bail to the floor to start until it’s off to Hogan vs. Luger. Hogan wins a slugout in the corner as a big WWF sign can be seen over their heads. There are the running clotheslines and it’s off to Hennig as Madden talks about the power of adrenaline. Flair comes in as well to trade chops in the corner but is quickly sent to the floor for a chair shot from Hulk. We settle down to Luger vs. Hennig as I’m sure someone is bringing up Wrestlemania IX.

Luger finally kicks Hogan in the face to take over and it’s time for Flair to come in and chop Hogan because he never learns. To be fair though, that’s Flair in a nutshell: the chops to Hogan/Sting never work, the top rope chop barely ever works and he almost never wins a big match with the Figure Four, so he tries them every night because THIS TIME FOR SURE!

Luger cheats to keep control but Hogan hits his half of a double clothesline to put both guys down. Hennig gets the hot tag and everything breaks down with the good guys (well as good as Hogan can be) taking over. Hogan gets a bit too overzealous though and shoves the referee down for the DQ.

Rating: D+. Not the worst main event tag in the world but the ending left a bit to be desired. Hennig isn’t even on the card on Sunday, which would seem to make him the perfect (see what I did there?) choice to take the fall here. I don’t hate the idea of having a DQ ending, but it wouldn’t have hurt to have a clean(ish) ending here.

Liz hits Hogan in the knee with the ball bat (Madden: “She swings pretty good for a girl.”) and Team Package hammers away, only to have the lights go out and…..it’s Vampiro? Oh and Sting too, as he brawls with Luger in the aisle and ring to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. Well, they’re getting better. It’s still not a good show most of the time but the cruiserweight match was fun and gave the show a lot more energy than usual. Getting past Uncensored should do them a lot of good but there are still a ton of issues with this promotion, especially all the really bad hardcore brawls that last all of a minute and come off as a big waste of time instead of anything interesting. Sunday is going to be rough but I don’t think it can actually be less interesting than what we’ve been sitting through recently.

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