Impact Wrestling – December 15, 2016 (Total Nonstop Deletion): I Knew They Wouldn’t Come

Impact Wrestling
Date: December 15, 2016
Location: Hardy Compound, Cameron, North Carolina
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Jeremy Borash

I knew it would come. Tonight is Total Nonstop Deletion, meaning the entire show is taking place at the Hardy Compound in North Carolina. The big draw for the show is Tag Team Apocalypto with teams from “throughout time and space” showing up for one huge match with the Tag Team Titles on the line. There have been next to no spoilers leaked for this so I’m coming in blind. Let’s get to it.

Senor Benjamin tells us that we shouldn’t try this at home. In Spanish of course.

No drones were harmed in the making of this presentation.

We go to Gilbert Corsey (former OVW interviewer) who says there is seismic activity in Cameron, North Carolina.

At the scene of the Hardy volcano, Itchweeed (yes I spelled that right) runs up to the volcano with a weed whacker and shouts a lot of unintelligible words.

We go to the Dome of Deletion, a mini arena set up with a live crowd, a ring and an entrance shaped like Matt’s open mouth. The Hardys come out with Matt promising fifty of his followers appearing tonight. If they don’t prove their greatness tonight, the Seven Deities will remove the powers of deletion.

Cue Rockstar Spud to say he’s sick of all this, including King Maxel. The infant gets a chant so Spud wants to be his first opponent because the kid hasn’t had a match yet and he’s more over than Spud has ever been. Spud promises to stretch Maxel and make him a loser like his father. Matt actually sanctions the match and makes it No DQ.

King Maxel vs. Rockstar Spud

Maxel drives to the ring in a mini Mercedes because of course he does. The bell rings, Benjamin tases Spud and Maxel gets the pin in 19 seconds. Cool moment, though Kevin Owens basically did the same thing in PWG a few years back.

Disco Inferno is watching from the back and asks if anyone wants to play some poker. It should be noted that Inferno was once arrested for involvement in an illegal poker game.

The news anchor and reporter talk about how the city has been locked down. Shane Helms and the Helms Dynasty roll up in a truck because they’re local roughnecks and ready to fight.

The Rock N Roll Express arrived earlier today. They are PERFECT for something like this and it wouldn’t have felt right if they weren’t around. Matt offers them green beans or meat and invites them inside.

Corsey is taking bets on the match.

Sienna names herself #1 contender for the Knockouts Title and is willing to put that spot up against anyone or anything. Then the following happens.

Sienna vs. Vanguard I

Actually never mind as the referee won’t let this happen so Vanguard I is ejected. We have a replacement though.

Sienna vs. ODB

ODB starts fast and runs Sienna over, setting up a Bronco Buster. A middle rope Thesz press gets two and Sienna is rather disgusted. The referee gets bumped so there’s no count when ODB knocks a chair into her face. Vanguard I comes out to count (with the numbers appearing over his (His?) head) until the referee pulls him out. The Silencer puts ODB away at 4:15.

Rating: D. I’ve never been a fan of ODB but I’ll take her over Grado in some intergender non-comedy. They had to do something like this because you can’t just have some big mess all night long. Some actual wrestling has to take place and if it just has to be ODB, so be it I guess.

ODB rubs Vanguard I on her chest.

The Helms Dynasty wants to fight but Matt has a pre-mo-nition. Tonight, we will see an appalling reincarnation.

If you order ANYTHING off ShopTNA.com, you get a free download of Dixie Carter’s new song. So they’re literally just giving it away. That’s probably the only way anyone would take it.

Itchweed vs. Chet Sterling

This is under House Hardy Rules and the announcers aren’t sure what that means. The announcers talk about how the land will be destroyed if the Hardys lose Apocalypto as Itchweed puts on a sleeper….and falls asleep himself. Itchweeed is up at seven and puts Sterling through a table. The Pesticide Elbow finishes Sterling off at 3:33.

Rating: D. This is another good example of what happens when you let the Hardys loose without their medication. Itchweeed is one of those characters who isn’t really funny but I’m sure it means something to Jeff. Where else is he going to get to do some nonsense like this?

We get a flashback to Matt talking to a giraffe named George Washington and Jeff boxing a kangaroo named Smoking Joe.

TNA World Title: Lashley vs. Eddie Edwards

Lashley is challenging and shoulders the champ in the corner to start. They head outside with Lashley shoving a fan, causing the audience (who might be the 50 followers Matt was referring to earlier) to hold him back so Eddie can snap off some chops. We take a break and come back with Eddie grabbing a neckbreaker. Lashley sends him face first into the buckle with some Snake Eyes before cranking on the ribs. Fans: “YOU CAN’T BEAT HIM!” Except for the time he did of course.

Eddie saves himself from a superplex and scores with a missile dropkick. The Shining Wizard gets two but Lashley gets in the Dominator for the same. Back to the floor with a powerbomb sending Eddie into the crowd. Looked cool but not much pain involved. Lashley picks things up a bit and spears Eddie through the wall as we take a second break.

Back again with the warnings that opened the show. Edwards and Lashley have fought into the woods and the match keeps going….but we don’t have cameras. I guess we’ll come back to that later.

Tag Team Titles: Tag Team Apocalypto

The Hardys are defending and this is under elimination rules with eliminations coming via pinfall or submission. The match starts in the arena so we get to see who is in at the start. Here’s the lineup:

Hardys, Helms Dynasty, Rock N Roll Express, Decay

That’s it for now as smoke fills the arena and everyone has to evacuate the building. We see Lashley and Edwards still fighting before cutting back to the teams. Everything goes insane and the teams are outside with firework guns. Abyss: “NO! NOT AGAIN!” The fireworks going into the air and Helms tells his boys to get out. Matt appears in the back of their truck and attacks Lee so Jeff tells the referee to get on the back of his motorcycle to chase after them.

A bunch of teams are at the entrance to the Compound and Decay lets them in because this is going to be beautiful. Matt throws Everett into the Cameron City Limits sign for two (yes there are counts in this) with Helms making the save. It’s a huge fight as some of the teams get in, though none of them are introduced. Crazzy Steve snaps one of their necks for a pin on someone never identified.

Another team is allowed in as Spud is shown waiting on his partner. The Bravado Brothers (Harlem and Lance) show up as the Dynasty and Hardys fight in front of an antique store. Where did the Express go? Back at the entrance, a team called the Ugly Ducklings (maybe) enter and are eliminated in just a few seconds via Abyss’ chokeslam.

The Hardys and Dynasty keep fighting as Abyss beats up a team called Showtime. The Bravado Brothers sneak in as Showtime is quickly dispatched by way or a rock to the head. I’m almost certain we’re not supposed to know who any of those teams were though it’s not like we got a good shot at almost any of their faces. Spud’s partner finally arrives and we take a break.

Back with Spud’s partner being revealed as……Hornswoggle. Decay lets them pass so we cut back to the brawl taking place by the Lake of Reincarnation. A jumping knee to Jeff’s face gets two as Matt makes the save by moving the boat with his mind. The Dynasty starts stomping on the boat until Jeff makes the save with a double noggin knocker.

Matt shoves Helms into the Lake and it’s time for a 3 Count reunion, by which I mean Shane being part of 3 Count and yelling that Everett and Lee are no Evan Karagias and Shannon Moore. They superkick Helms into the Lake as the Bravados show up to roll them up for two each. The Express are in another ring (four sided this time) nearby and call the Hardys in for a fight.

This goes as well as it’s going to go in 2016 but now we cut back to Edwards and Lashley because that’s still going. Wait now it’s back to the Dynasty vs. the Bravados with the referee coming out of a portable toilet to do his job. Everett hits a standing moonsault onto I believe Lance, leaving Harlem to be sent into a wall. They head inside the arena to keep brawling as we cut back to the other ring. Ricky and Jeff are in the kind of machines used to get people to the top of telephone poles and it’s time for another break.

Back with the cranes coming together so Ricky can work on the arm. The volcano is going off in the background as Robert works on a spinning toehold. Matt grabs one of the crane’s controls to send Morton flying through the air. We go back to the other arena where Everett is covered for two. We’re back to the cranes though with Jeff Swantoning out and missing Robert, only to have Matt hit a Twist of Fate to get rid of the Express.

So I believe we’re down to Decay, Spud/Hornswoggle, the Bravados and the Dynasty, assuming no one else arrives. Back in the other arena, Spud and Hornswoggle go after the two downed teams with Hornswoggle swinging a chair. Spud eliminates the Bravados but gets powerbombed by Hornswoggle, setting up the Tadpole Splash. Everett pins Spud to get rid of another team.

Back to Lashley choking Edwards with a cord of some kind as Morton is still stuck on the crane, demanding to be let down. Road Warrior Animal of all people is here, asking how Morton got stuck up there. Decay finds James Storm in a mask but multiple other DCC members show up. One of them takes off his mask and Storm has no idea who it is. Whoever it is gets knocked out with Abyss getting the pin, which eliminates the entire DCC. Storm gets in a superkick for good measure. Steve wants to go add to this pile of bones and we take another break.

We come back again with the Hardys and Decay fighting near the volcano and Lashley and Edwards fighting nearby. The volcano erupts violently and we’ve got the Hurricane rising from the Lake. That means it’s time for breaking news with Corsey saying Cameron’s fate is in the Hardys’ hands.

Back to the outside ring with Decay and the Dynasty each picking a Hardy to beat on. Matt is taken to a graveyard of Hardy logos as Jeff fights back on Decay. Janice is brought in and Jeff’s comeback is cut off by a low blow. Vanguard I comes in and that means another fireworks war. Abyss takes one to the eye and Vanguard celebrates.

To the other teams as Hurricane saves Matt from a shovel to the head. Apparently the Dynasty is broken and a double pin (Can Hurricane do that?) gets rid of Everett and Lee. Matt and Hurricane bury them, which Matt says would make even the man with three H’s proud. Lashley throws Eddie onto the house’s porch and then no sells a Hornswoggle spear.

Abyss is back up but a huge Hardy symbol catches on fire around him. A lot of brawling ends with Abyss taking Matt back into the ring. Matt gets Janice though and a shot to the ribs (with some quick edits) means Matt can make his weird noises. Steve and Jeff fight near the volcano with a Twisting Stunner sending Steve into the mouth. A big explosion sends Steve’s charred body flying into the ring so Matt can get the pin to retain at 44:10.

Rating: N/A. You think I have any idea hot to rate this? As I’ve said many times, I rate wrestling, not a bunch of people running around a big field with a few wrestling rings involved. I know there’s an audience for this and I was excited about what it might be, but you knew they were over hyping this to death.

All that talk about teams breaking contracts and such to show up turned out to be the nonsense that it was expected to be, leaving us with a joke like the Rock N Roll Express, an indy team in the Bravados, Spud and Hornswoggle as another joke (I think?) and three TNA teams. Oh and the jobbers. Don’t forget the jobbers.

No one really bought that any WWE names were going to show up here and the match was a big mess of standing around waiting for the bigger names to show up. The big moment here (I guess) was the Hurricane return and that’s really nothing special. If you knew you weren’t going to be able to get anyone here (Young Bucks? Maybe?), don’t hype it up like it’s a done deal. No they never said it, but if it’s nothing outlandish, mentioning a name in wrestling means THEY’RE GOING TO SHOW UP.

I was really, really disappointed in this as I bought into the hype of the whole thing. But, of course, TNA manages to let me down and thinks that I’m going to be entertained by a joke about HHH burying people when the Hardys (combined age of 81) just beat almost the entire tag team division in less than an hour. There was no big moment, there was no big surprise and there was no big difference between this and the rest of the Hardy specials.

Reby reveals that she’s pregnant to end the show, meaning the World Title match ends without a finish at 1:11:17.

Rating: C-. This is for the World Title match, which actually did something before it turned into a bunch of cameos. Lashley vs. Edwards has been done so many times now that it’s really hard to care about it anymore, especially when we’re waiting on the conclusion to Carter vs. Edwards. Hey, maybe we can have a triple threat! That would be something new!

Overall Rating: D. Yeah this didn’t do it for me. Basically they took a few camera crews and told the Hardys to do whatever they wanted. In other words, it’s a big Hardys special and if you don’t like it, you’re just not up to their level. This wasn’t really interesting and, much like the rest of their big matches, didn’t add anything new. We’ve seen the Lake of Reincarnation done to death and the fireworks look cool but don’t add much.

What we really saw tonight was how limited TNA is. If the best they can do is bring in the Bravado Brothers and Hornswoggle plus a few old guys who will probably do anything for a payday, you really can see their limited influence. On December 2, Ring of Honor brought in the Hardys, Jushin Thunder Liger and some big named from England. Tonight, it was some big names from the 80s who haven’t been on the big stage in years. Which of those do you think is more impressive?

Overall, this felt like a big way to give Matt and Jeff whatever they want. We’ve seen the Broken gimmick for so long now and while Matt’s acting and quirks are still entertaining, they need to either do something fresh with this or wind it down already. The show and big match kept my attention but by the end I was getting tired of it. It’s AMAZING production work as the camera cuts were all solid but it’s a case of not knowing when to say that’s enough, which has been one of TNA’s biggest issues for years.

I get why a lot of people will like it though and this isn’t a case where I’m going to really harp on how wrong they are for thinking that way. It really is a situation where you either get it or you don’t and I think I fall into the latter. There were entertaining moments but that’s not enough for a two hour show. Much like back in the Immortal days, if you don’t like this one idea, you’re better off not watching. That’s a really risky way to run TV and TNA does it far too often.

Results

King Maxel b. Rockstar Spud – Spud was shocked with a taser

Sienna b. ODB – Silencer

Itchweeed b. Chet Sterling – Pesticide Elbow

Eddie Edwards vs. Lashley went to a no contest

The Hardys won Tag Team Apocalypto last eliminating Decay

 

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