Impact Wrestling – August 3, 2017: Ice Picks, Donkeys and Cottage Cheese (This Show Was Really Boring)

Impact Wrestling
Date: August 3, 2017
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Josh Matthews, D’Angelo Dinero, Jeremy Borash

The battle for Mexican pride continues as Alberto El Patron’s feud with LAX is still going. Last week saw the Veterans of War save El Patron from a post match beatdown, because he just wasn’t beating the group badly enough yet. I’m really not sure what the end game of this is but LAX could use a top guy in a hurry. Let’s get to it.

Konnan promises a new member of LAX tonight and says there’s a new level of violence coming.

Long recap of the Super X Cup as tonight will see the finals set.

Super X Cup Semifinals: Dezmond Xavier vs. Dragon

They run the ropes to start with Drago hitting a dropkick for two. Back up and both guys miss a few strikes until Xavier grabs a running hurricanrana for two of his own. Drago sends him outside for a suicide dive and we take a break. We come back with both guys hitting kicks to the head to put both of them down.

Back up and it’s another double knockdown, followed by Desmond picking things WAY up and headscissoring him out to the floor for a bit flip dive. Drago hits a superkick back inside, followed by a top rope Orton DDT for two. A Batista Bomb gives Drago the same and stereo strikes put both guys down again. Back up and Drago gets two off a rollup, only to have Xavier hit a 619 around the post. The Final Flash sends Xavier to the finals at 15:18.

Rating: C+. I’m trying so hard to make myself care about this tournament and it’s just not happening. This is little more than a collection of guys you’ve probably heard of if you follow the independent circuit having a tournament for the sake of having a tournament. The matches are certainly watchable but I have no interest in any of these people because all I know about them is the following: “HI! My name is *insert name here*. I’m going to prove that I’m the best X-Division wrestler in the world. The Super X Cup is really important.” Repeat every time one of them has a match.

Ethan Carter III says he’s a hot commodity and is ready to win the Grand Championship because he’s in Moose’s head. He’ll win no matter what stupid judges he has to deal with, even if it’s Bruce Prichard.

We recap Bobby Lashley vs. Matt Sydal, who meet at Destination X.

The Patron family is ready to face LAX tonight but Alberto thinks one of them might join the team. Alberto thinks that his brother might have turned as he and Konnan are friends. An argument breaks out so here’s Karen Jarrett to say family is important. Bruce comes in to say he’s got this and asks to talk to Karen alone.

Mumbai Cat vs. Trevor Lee

Lee is still wrestling in the belt. Cat is sent outside early on and we get a switch with another masked man who was underneath the ring. The second Cat (let’s call him Sonjay, just for a name) takes Lee down with some clotheslines and a superkick, followed by a tornado DDT. The top rope splash ends Lee at 1:38.

Of course it’s Sonjay and here’s Bruce to complain (and to get his quota of screen time). Sonjay tells him to hang on and says he’s still the champ. We’ll have a ladder match for the title in two weeks at Destination X.

Video on Lashley’s MMA training.

Joseph Park tells Grado to focus on his match tonight and he’ll have Laurel Van Ness ready for the wedding later. His grandmother told him something he’ll never forget for situations like this. He can’t come up with it right off hand but it was great.

Eli Drake vs. Eddie Edwards

Hang on as Eddie has been attacked by Kongo Kong. No match.

Post break Laurel is shouting at Kong as he beats up Richard Justice (the designated wrestler from last week).

Grand Championship: Ethan Carter III vs. Moose

Moose is defending and Bruce Prichard, Scott D’Amore and Dutch Mantel are the judges. Some early chops and a toss across the ring have Ethan in early trouble but Moose misses a charge into the steps. Carter hammers away and tells Bruce to SCORE THAT. Back in and Carter sits down on Moose’s back as the first round ends. Carter wins the first round and sends Moose face first into the apron to start round two.

We hit a quickly broken chinlock before Moose fights up with the running charges in the corner. A hesitation dropkick has Carter reeling and the round ends. Moose wins round two and after a break, throws Carter to the floor to start the third round. A bicycle kick gives Moose two and a Low Down from the corner gets the same. Neither finisher can hit but the second attempt at the 1%er connects for two.

Moose blocks the ECD and hits a sitout chokeslam as time expires at 9:00. Carter wins via split decision (two ties) with Prichard giving him the winning vote with a score of 10-8. This is billed as controversial, which is true considering Moose dominated the third round save for the 1%er.

Rating: D+. Basically this match existed to push the fact that Bruce Prichard is a corrupt boss. Prichard is on this show more than anyone not named Alberto or LAX and he’s just not that interesting. He’s a guy with a podcast who plays a completely generic corporate character, which isn’t interesting in the first place as it’s been done to death.

OVE (the Crist Brothers) debut at Destination X.

KM/Mario Bokara/Fallah Bahh vs. Suicide/Braxton Sutter/Grado

International six man tag, meaning “here’s a bunch of people to fill time”. The bad guys are knocked into the corner and it’s time for some dancing. Bahh’s bare feet take a few stomps to send him outside but the dive is broken up. Back in and Bahh rolls over Grado but Grado slugs away for his comeback. Everything breaks down and Grado school boys KM for the pin at 3:41.

Rating: D. So that happened. Really, I’m not sure what there is to say here. There’s little story aside from Sutter slowly turning and the Grado comedy shtick. The wrestling barely existed as we had to get in all the goofy spots and really made this feel like filler. I mean, it was filler but they could find a way to keep it from feeling like it.

Post match Park brings out Laurel for the proposal but Kongo Kong comes in and destroys Grado. Sutter leaves as Park gets Grado out of the ring before the top rope splash can hit.

Konnan tells “random white girl number five” that violence is about to come to the Patron family.

Ethan Carter III comes out to brag about being the grandest champion of them all. He’s now in love with his title and gives it a kiss before asking if it wants to get out of here. As usual, Carter is one of the most entertaining things on this show.

LAX vs. El Hijo de Dos Caras/Dos Caras/Alberto El Patron

Caras (sixty six years old) starts with Homicide and pulls him down into a rollup for no count as the shoulder is up. Chops knock Homicide into the corner and it’s off to Hijo for a suicide dive as we take a break. Back with Alberto hitting a basement dropkick for no count, allowing LAX to get in a few cheap shots to take over.

Santana’s chinlock keeps things slow and it’s off to Ortiz with a slam. Alberto crotches him on top though and the not hot tag brings in Hijo for a high crossbody. Santana crotches Hijo on top as well and LAX takes over again. A superplex gives Ortiz two and the triple teaming begins.

Santana misses an elbow though and the hot tag brings in Alberto to clean house. The tilt-a-whirl backbreaker plants Homicide as everything breaks down. Hijo misses a dive and it’s Santana getting caught in the ropes for the top rope double stomp. No cover though as we have a ref bump, leaving no one to see Ortiz tap to the armbreaker.

Hijo comes in with a chair and takes out Homicide to prove his loyalty to his brother. Santana gets caught in another armbreaker but here’s Low Ki in an LAX jacket with a Warrior’s Way to Alberto. The announcers freak out as Santana gets the pin on El Patron at 16:48.

Rating: D+. Oh joy: one of my least favorite wrestlers is now pretty much the top wrestler in the heel stable going after Alberto. Nothing to see here as usual from a wrestling standpoint as LAX (whose Tag Team Titles have been defended once (at Slammiversary) since late April) isn’t that interesting when they’re having to sell for a man in his mid 60s and a not very talented brother. Not a good match here as the boring story continues.

The announcers treat this as LAX becoming invincible because they have the memories of a WWE Creative staff member. The Veterans of War were never mentioned during the match.

Overall Rating: D. I really, really wasn’t feeling this show tonight as it suffers from the same problems that have plagued it for weeks now: everything is really uninteresting. The big story seems to be Low Ki vs. Alberto, which sounds like a main event for some one off indy match.

The biggest problem for me is the focus on Prichard. He’s involved in multiple stories at this point and he’s just not interesting. There’s nothing about him that stands out aside from a popular podcast and that’s not something I need to see on a wrestling show. We need a central story that grabs viewers and the combination of Alberto vs. LAX and Prichard possibly being corrupt isn’t going to pull that off. Not a good show this week and that’s really not a big surprise.

Results

Dezmond Xavier b. Drago – Final Flash

Mumbai Cat b. Trevor Lee – Top rope splash

Ethan Carter III b. Moose via split decision

Suicide/Braxton Sutter/Grado b. KM/Mario Bokara/Fallah Bass – Rollup to KM

LAX b. Alberto El Patron/El Hijo de Dos Caras/Dos Caras – Warrior’s Way to El Patron

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