Tuesday Night Titans – November 13, 1984: If You Put This Show Into a Bird’s Brain, It Would Turn Into a Human and Change the Channel

Tuesday Night Titans
Date: November 13, 1984
Location: Video One Studios, Owings Mills, Maryland
Hosts: Vince McMahon, Lord Alfred Hayes

Another request here, partially so I can say I’ve done an episode of this show. This is a bit of a different show as it’s mainly a talk show with wrestling guests. There would be matches included, though this isn’t exactly the best time period from a quality standpoint. I’m not entirely sure what to expect here but that’s the kind of show Tuesday Night Titans was. Let’s get to it.

I’m going to do my best on the dates/locations of the matches but it’s one of those shows that throws them them together from other TV tapings.

I can barely hear Hayes’ introduction over the REALLY loud intro music.

Vince and Hayes are on the talk show set to intro the show. We talk about Thanksgiving (this is being written two days before his year’s holiday so it’s kind of appropriate) with Vince promising to deliver a turkey in the form of first guest in Captain Lou Albano. Lou immediately lists off all of his accomplishments as a manager, which has to be some kind of a record (fourteen Tag Team Champions is pretty crazy).

He goes on a rant about how amazing athletes wrestlers are, even talking about Vince’s amateur wrestling credentials. Albano brags about his IQ of 901.73 back in his medulla ob-long-gata which makes him a linguist and a bi-linguist. Vince FINALLY cuts off this rather hilarious speech and throws us to a match.

From Hamilton, Ontario, Canada – October 29/30, 1984

Nick DeCarlo vs. The Spoiler

Spoiler, a big masked guy (I won’t say who he is in case you haven’t seen him before) has Albano in his corner. Before we get going, here’s Intercontinental Champion Greg Valentine (also Albano’s client) to say he doesn’t have any competition. Albano goes into a rant about how awesome Valentine is as the match starts. Valentine goes over to commentary to talk about how he wants respect as Spoiler throws DeCarlo into the corner. DeCarlo gets knocked outside, followed by a top rope clothesline back inside. A knee lift sets up the Claw to put DeCarlo away in a hurry.

Back in the studio, Albano apologizes to Hayes for not being a gentleman. Then he goes into a rant about Spoiler squeezing a ball in his hand until he got strong enough to break a pair of pliers. Now he can squash any wrestler’s skull. Vince: “Some skulls are softer than others.” As for Valentine, they might just retire the title. For now though, he’ll face any contender around.

Back from a break with Albano laid out on the couch with his shirt open as we get to our second guest: Barry Windham. Barry is a standard face but Albano laughs at him and talks about his own training style. Albano’s various stomach issues take us to the next match.

From Salisbury, Maryland – November 7, 1984.

Barry Windham vs. Charlie Fulton

An unnamed hillbilly is in the crowd. We’ll call him Jim and move on. Barry takes him down with a top wristlock before grabbing an armdrag into an armbar. That’s enough wrestling as Barry forearms him down and drops a knee for two. More right hands drop Fulton and a bulldog is good for the pin.

Rating: D. Nothing to see here as Windham never felt right in the WWF. It was clear that he wasn’t exactly happy there as he would eventually self destruct, though at least he did have a nice run in the US Express. Fulton was a jobber to the stars around this point and that’s exactly what he was doing here.

Back in the studio, Albano makes more fun of Windham and eventually gives him some dieting advice. Oh and watch any match you’re not involved in. Windham calls him a slob so Albano calls him dehydrated and says if you put Windham’s brain in a parakeet, it would fly backwards.

We take a break and come back with Mike Rotundo as the third guest. Albano: “Take your hat off! You’re not in the barn!” Vince talks about Rotundo’s athletic accomplishments and again, Albano talks over him in a rather heelish way.

From the Hamilton, Ontario, Canada – October 29, 1984.

Barry Windham/Mike Rotundo vs. Mohammad Saad/Bobby Bass

Not quite the US Express just yet. Windham knocks Saad out to the floor to start as we hear about Windham and Rotundo’s background. Rotundo comes in for an armbar and Bass gets forearmed into the corner for his cheating efforts. The good guys start their fast tagging and work over Saad’s arm until a bulldog is good for the pin. Total squash.

Back in the studio, Rotundo threatens to shut Albano up. Windham and Rotundo talk about the various regional Tag Team Titles they’ve won, which you don’t hear about very often. Albano has been advising the current World Tag Team Champions (Dick Murdoch/Adrian Adonis) but Rotundo doesn’t think they need a manager at this point. Albano rants us to a break.

I’m not sure where the next match takes place. Vince says it’s from the Meadowlands in East Rutherford, New Jersey but I can’t find any record of these two ever having a match there. I can however find one from around this time in Toronto, which would make a lot more sense.

Nikolai Volkoff vs. Rocky Johnson

Joined in progress with the announcers saying it’s in the Toronto area, meaning we’re in the Maple Leaf Gardens on October 21, 1984. Thanks for that, commentators. Johnson punches him in the jaw but doesn’t follow up. Well he’s never been the brightest guy in the world. A nerve hold (I think) takes Johnson down but some gyrating gets him back to his feet. Back up and a double shoulder puts them both down for a breather. Volkoff wins a test of strength and of course cheats as soon as Johnson starts coming back. A kick to the ribs sends Volkoff outside but he’s right back in with a hard forearm to the back. Johnson hits some of his always weird looking (though still fine) dropkicks, only to get dropped throat first across the top rope for the fast pin.

Rating: D+. Not a terrible power vs. speed match here with Johnson being more about charisma than his in-ring abilities. This was also back when Volkoff was looking like a powerhouse rather than the much bigger version that most people remember him as. It was easy to see why they ran Volkoff vs. Hogan so many times as this was during a big time in the Cold War and it was kind of a perfect matchup.

And now, COMEDY! Hayes brings out the world’s oldest wrestling fan, a man who appears to be about 94 years old (or about 40 and in bad makeup and a horrible wig) named Lloyd Lynch. He talks about his hometown of Cut and Shoot, Texas before nodding off for a second. His favorite wrestler was the Swedish Angel, a 300lb guy with a big bearhug that everyone loved. Vince has such an awkward look on his face and Lloyd makes it worse by talking about seeing the Angel in Madison Square Garden and squeezing a man’s hair off. That man turned into Gorgeous George and that’s how he got his start.

After talking a bit about meeting Vince’s grandfather and an award Vince’s father just received, it’s time to talk about women’s wrestling and Lloyd is already laughing. Apparently Lloyd remembers a women’s wrestling match from 1834 with Millie Lang Tree. He also knew some woman from Boston who defeated a 412lb wolf with a Boston crab in the back of a pickup truck at a drive-in movie in San Antonio.

As for Millie though, she used a double toe half nelson, which of course Lynch agrees to demonstrate. He pulls his leg up into the air….and hurts himself in the process. Thankfully that’s it and hopefully we never have to sit through something like this again. It was about as funny as being hit in the head with a box of hammers as they weren’t trying for anything more than redneck hillbilly humor with Lynch apparently being at least 110 years old. Just bad stuff here and something beneath even the WWF’s standards.

Thankfully we move on to the next guest: David Bruno Sammartino, who would later drop the Bruno and then realize that no one cared about Bruno’s really boring son. We hear about Bruno trying to keep David out of wrestling but David knew it was all he wanted to do. The Sammartino name isn’t a burden because it’s like being Rocky Marciano’s son. And now, a match.

From (I believe) the East Rutherford, New Jersey – October 14, 1984.

David Sammartino vs. Mr. Fuji

Joined in progress with David working on an armbar in front of a silent crowd. Gorilla calls a shoulder block beautiful and it’s right back to the armbar. Fuji comes back with a falling headbutt to the ribs and the slow motion continues with the fans still not caring. A stomach claw continues to be one of the dumbest moves of all time until Sammartino grabs the leg to escape. Fuji’s slow motion offense continues but David slugs away like his dad to the only reaction of the match. A kick to the ribs and a knee drop give David two and a small package puts Fuji away.

Rating: D-. The match was bad but I always feel bad for Sammartino. He always looked like he was trying but there’s just nothing there. Other than being Bruno’s son, there’s nothing about him that stands out. It’s not really surprising that he never went anywhere in wrestling and a lot of it probably comes from the pressure of being Bruno’s son. Really boring match here, which was common for David.

Back in the studio and thankfully Albano is back to talk about David’s physique. He likes what he sees in Sammartino and suggests that he eat lots of protein, including unborn virgin goat’s milk. Oh and change your name. Not bad advice actually.

We come back with our next guest: the huge Blackjack Mulligan, who brought the house band with him. He’s here to stand up for AMERICA and doesn’t want to hear about people like the Iron Sheik who doesn’t stand for AMERICA. Then you have people like Big John Studd, who just isn’t nice in general. After listing off a few more villains, it’s off to a match.

From Hamilton, Ontario, Canada – October 29, 1984.

Blackjack Mulligan vs. Ted Grizzly

Grizzly is billed from Morgan’s Corner, Arkansas, which was the hometown of Haystacks Calhoun. Mulligan shoves him down with almost no effort and forearms him in the chest. A drop toehold has Grizzly tapping but that wouldn’t mean anything for a good ten years. Grizzly’s right hands have no effect and a jumping back elbow to the jaw puts Grizzly away with almost no effort. The fans stand up and look at something in the aisle but we don’t get to see what it is. That might be a bit too interesting you see.

Back in the studio, Mulligan says he’s ready to face anyone, anytime. For tonight though, let’s bring out some square dancers! Seriously they come out and dance and time is devoured. Vince FINALLY throws it to commercial….but first we see a mechanical bull. Oh jeez here we go.

Back with Vince, Hayes and Mulligan standing next to the mechanical bull called Mr. Black. Mulligan doesn’t think much of Roddy Piper, who can’t shut up long enough to have a real talk. Blackjack doesn’t quite get how this wrestling thing works does he? Anyway he’ll be having his own talk show called Blackjack’s Barbecue where we can ask the real questions.

We go to Piper’s Pit where Piper mocks a rather muscular wrestler until Mulligan shows up and gets in Piper’s face. Mulligan calls him a pole cat (skunk for you city folk) and says he’s proud of his heritage….and that’s it.

Back in the studio, Mulligan talks about the use for mechanical bulls, which Hayes says he’s heard of being inside medieval dungeons. Vince is talked into getting on the thing and lasts a few seconds before falling off. And now, more from the band as this segment just keeps going for no logical reason. Hayes is put on the thing….and doesn’t ride because we go to a break.

After another break, Albano is going to answer some letters to give fans advice. First up, a woman whose husband won’t use modern hygiene products. Albano lists off a few ingredients to mix together, including olive oil and witch hazel, to put on him instead. It turns out that Albano doesn’t use such products either and Vince is disturbed.

The second question is from a woman with an obese husband who has heard of a book called the Fat Person’s Guide to Ecstasy. Albano has never heard of such a book and says the husband should lose weight. Then he lists off the book’s authors and thinks the husband should be on a low carbohydrate diet. There are fat people who are ok though, including the fat mamas who love him. You can eat anything you want, but only swallow half.

Third up is a wife with a husband who never takes off his cowboy boots. Albano thinks the husband has a bad smell and needs to lose weight. Maybe he should fill a bathtub with alcohol and walk into the thing. Albano is worried about what will happen when the guy dies and they have to take the boots off. That’s enough for Vince and we’re finally done. Another unfunny segment, though Albano’s insane charisma carried it as far as it could.

Back from a break with Vince and Hayes talking about the awesomeness that is Paul Orndorff. We get a highlight package on Orndorff’s career (despite him not being in the WWF for very long at this point), meaning some long clips of matches showcasing Orndorff’s strength. I was never a big Orndorff fan but he did have a great piledriver.

After a final break (thank goodness), it’s time for more Mulligan for more music and dancing, this time with Vince, Mulligan, and the rest of the guests joining in. Rotundo looks so out of place out there and it’s kind of funny.

Overall Rating: D-. Oh just no. I get the idea they were going for here but sweet goodness it wasn’t entertaining. The wrestling was a bunch of lame squashes and the “comedy” was somewhere between torture and just not funny. It’s a weird time for the company and while there was talent around, most of it wasn’t on display here. Albano was funny due to sheer willpower but you can only do the same jokes so many times.  This was horribly unentertaining and I’m kind of shocked this show got to 100 episodes.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Volume VI: July – December 1999 in e-book or paperback. Check out the information here:

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