Impact Wrestling – January 18, 2018: Nope. No No, No No No, No No, NO!

Impact Wrestling
Date: January 18, 2018
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Jeremy Borash, Josh Matthews

This is another interesting show as the main event is a big barbed wire match between LAX and OVE. Well in theory at least, as for some reason that is airing on Impact’s new Twitch channel just after the regular show ends. Not that they advertised that last week or anything. There’s also a “World Title match” in the form of more clips from another promotion’s show. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

X-Division Title: Dezmond Xavier vs. Taiji Ishimori

Xavier is challenging. An early lockup sees the champ driven into the corner and it’s an actual clean break. Ishimori’s break isn’t as clean and things get a bit testy, all the way to an armdrag. A twisting rollup gives Ishimori two and they trade dropkicks as things speed up in a hurry.

Back in and Dezmond strikes away in the corner before grabbing a chinlock. Something close to a Last Chancery keeps Ishimori in trouble but as usual, it doesn’t last long. Back up and another dropkick sends the champ outside and a suicide dive puts him over the barricade. Dezmond hits a huge flip dive from the ring over the barricade to drop the champ (that’s some impressive athleticism) and we take a break. Back with Dezmond hitting a jumping cutter, followed by a dropkick to the back of the head for two.

Ishimori is fine enough to hit a delayed superplex for two of his own and they’re both down again. A Vader Bomb hits Dezmond’s raised boot though and the Final Flash gets two. Back up and Dezmond slips out of a Tombstone attempt before hitting a standing moonsault for two more. That just earns him a gutbuster, followed by Ishimori’s 450 to retain the title at 16:33.

Rating: B-. If that’s their big, blow away match for the division, they’re going to be having some problems. The match was completely acceptable and little more, mainly because there’s not much of a story being told. They were doing their moves to each other and while those looked good, I need a little more than just “here are some nice moves”.

OVE promises to take over everything tonight.

Long recap of OVE vs. LAX, including their battles over the titles and OVE bringing in Sami Callihan as backup. This eats up nine minutes. My goodness stop acting like this is Edge and Christian vs. the Hardys vs. the Dudleys. A barbed wire match isn’t all that impressive.

Video on American Top Team taking out James Storm and Moose trying for revenge. This show is starting to feel like a pay per view pre-show instead of a regular episode.

Flashback of the week: Aron Rex wins the first Grand Championship.

Video on Ethan Carter III vs. Matt Sydal for the Grand Championship.

Video (COME ON ALREADY!) on Gail Kim vacating the title and Laurel Van Ness winning it, much to Allie’s annoyance.

Allie is ready for her title shot next week because she’s tired of being treated so badly by Van Ness. This was an old school style promo and it worked quite well.

Kongo Kong vs. Chandler Park

I did not wait for nearly an hour for a freaking Kongo Kong match. Chandler’s strikes to the chest have no effect but Kong’s missed charge gives him a breather. That’s about as long as it lasts too as Kongo whips him into the corner for a Cannonball. An over the shoulder sitout Tombstone is good for the pin on Park at 1:57.

Kong gives Chandler a top rope splash and Joseph throws up the injury X. This is what the world was waiting for: more Kongo Kong.

Johnny Impact wants to take the World Title back to Los Angeles. Drake is from LA too, so does he want Eli to retain?

Alberto El Patron is in Detroit for the sole purpose of taking the Impact Wrestling World Title.

Eli Drake is ready to defend the title anywhere, including Detroit.

Impact Wrestling World Title: Eli Drake vs. Alberto El Patron vs. Johnny Impact

Drake is defending and this is at another poorly lit Border City Wrestling show. It’s a brawl to start with the ropes looking very loose. Impact is sent shoulder first into the post and Drake powerslams Alberto for two. They head outside (likely to be away from the unsafe looking ropes) with Drake chairing Impact down.

We’re clipped (erg) to Alberto hitting double knees in the corner on the champ for two but Impact comes out from underneath a pile of chairs to blast both guys. The breakdancing legdrop gets two on Alberto but Eli comes back in with something resembling a ProtoBomb for two of his own with Alberto pulling the referee out. Patron can’t hit the Gravy Train on Drake but a Backstabber gets two with Johnny pulling the referee out.

Now it’s Johnny hitting his flip neckbreaker on Alberto but, say it with me, Drake pulls the referee out. The referee yells at all of them so it’s a triple superkick to take him down. Another referee comes in to count two on Johnny after a low blow and it’s Drake taking over. Drake isn’t happy with a two count so the second referee takes a Gravy Train. The locker room empties out and the match is a no contest at around 7:20.

Rating: D+. It was better than when they did this a few weeks ago but it’s still coming off as this match not being important enough to air in the Impact Zone. Having a small, dimly lit arena hosting a World Title match makes the title feel small and the match wasn’t even very good. Just treat the World Title like it means something. That really shouldn’t be too much to ask.

Rosemary vs. KC Spinelli

Josh hypes up all the available DVDs of wrestlers who aren’t on the roster anymore. Way to promote your current talent. Rosemary gets her choke over the ropes as JB mentions that next week it’s Drake vs. El Patron vs. Impact for the title in a cage as the main event of Genesis. Yes that feud continues, but yes next week is also a special episode, which I don’t recall hearing until just now. Spinelli kind of dances into a hip attack in the corner, followed by a bulldog for two. A discus lariat gives KC two but Rosemary fakes her out with the mist, setting up the Red Wedding for the pin at 3:38.

Rating: D. The match was a quick win for Rosemary but the announcers treated it as a place to put all of its announcements. I’m assuming Rosemary will be in the title hunt soon enough, presumably feuding with Taya Valkyrie once she get the whole visa situation sorted. Other than that though, this was just more filler on a show full of it.

Post match Rosemary says she wants to face Laurel but has to wait for our favorite bunny Allie to get her chance. Rosemary wants the next shot but gets jumped by Hania, who has wrestled for Ring of Honor before. Hania lays her out with a reverse DDT on the steps.

In case you didn’t get the idea earlier, here’s a seven minute video on the barbed wire match.

Genesis preview.

The entrances for the barbed wire match wrap us up and it’s off to the Twitch channel. And that’s the show. I’ll edit in the match after it airs on Twitch.

Overall Rating: D-. The ONLY reason this isn’t a failure is the opener was pretty good. This show was a joke as they spent two hours hyping up this barbed wire match, which better be the most amazing thing anyone has ever seen. The World Title match felt like an afterthought, Kongo Kong won a squash and Hania debuted. Other than that, this was ALL about the barbed wire match, which apparently they can’t even air on TV. That didn’t stop them from hyping it up last week, but now we have to go somewhere else to see it. This show was bad, but worse than that it felt like a waste of my time, which just doesn’t work.

LAX vs. OVE

Six man tag with the ropes replaced by barbed wire. They slug it out to start and head outside with OVE staring up at LAX. Shouting ensues until Santana hits a running flip dive to take everyone out. Callihan and Ortiz head inside and they have….forks. The Abdullah the Butcher tribute begins before they both get in a stab to the forehead. Ortiz is tossed into the barbed wire and Callihan is sent in a few seconds later.

A spear sends Dave Crist into a barbed wire board in the corner but Ortiz takes a slow motion charge into it as well. Jake Crist tries an O’Connor Roll for the sake of being kicked into the wire. Homicide wraps the wire into Jake’s mouth and it’s time to head outside for more violence. Chairs and barbed wire boards are swung, followed by a double suplex onto another barbed wire board.

Back in and Homicide pours alcohol onto Dave’s open wounds, only to have Sami DDT him onto a trashcan lid for two. Jake gets suplexed through a barbed wire board on the floor, followed by Homicide hitting a cutter “onto” the barbed wire board. The Gringo Killer is broken up and Homicide is suplexed onto the ropes, breaking them down. We take a break (because this was originally set up for TV) with Jake being sent through more wire and onto a table.

The wire is still wrapped around Jake but Santana cuts him free so he can be Death Valley Driven through a barbed wire board for two. Dave spears Santana through a table to the floor, leaving Homicide to be tombstoned onto a chair wrapped in barbed wire for two. Sami loads up two tables in the ring but stops to piledrive Dave instead. A ladder is brought in but Konnan hits Callihan with a barbed wire bat. Ortiz stabs Dave with some wooden spikes and superplexes him through the two tables for the pin at 16:57.

Rating: N/A. I rate wrestling, and this had nothing to do with it. I hate this death match bull**** and all of the morons who try to tell me that it’s REAL wrestling. This was a bunch of stupid spots with people torturing themselves for the sake of trying to get people to watch their stupid show because they’re so freaking pathetic that they have to air commercials for this stuff instead of a regular show. This nonsense ticks me off like nothing else and makes me want this stupid company to finally die so it can stop embarrassing the wrestlers who work hard but get stuck dealing with this kind of garbage.

Results

Taiji Ishimori b. Dezmond Xavier – 450 splash

Kongo Kong b. Chandler Park – Sitout Tombstone

Johnny Impact vs. Alberto El Patron vs. Eli Drake went to a no contest

Rosemary b. KC Spinelli – Red Wedding

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