Monday Night Raw – September 13, 2004: I Deserve Cake

Monday Night Raw
Date: September 13, 2004
Location: KeyArena, Seattle, Washington
Attendance: 5,500
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s the night after Unforgiven and things are back to the normal levels of bleak. In this case, that’s due to HHH winning the World Title again, because Randy Orton had his four week reign and needed to be eradicated once and for all. I’m sure he’ll get some title shots going forward, but it’s pretty clear that his time has already come and gone. Let’s get to it.

Here’s Unforgiven if you need a recap.

Opening sequence.

Ric Flair, Batista and a bunch of women are in the ring for HHH’s title celebration. Flair introduces the new champ as the confetti falls. Great now it’s going to be all over ringside all night. There’s also a huge cake, which is clearly the kind with a person inside to jump out. HHH says you can feel the excitement in the air because the king is back on his throne. This is the happiest he’s sounded in months, which certainly does make sense for him.

All of the girls kneel in front of him, so HHH says there will be plenty of time for getting on their knees. Normally I’d make a PG joke but the Diva Search girls have made that one sound tame. HHH talks about Orton spitting on him a few weeks back, but now he’s laughing again. Then he spit in the fans’ faces and they can’t even wipe it off because he’s the World Heavyweight Champion.

The girls rip his shirt off but HHH looks at the cake, which he knows has someone inside. Flair and Batista didn’t send it, so it must have been Bischoff. An explosion goes off and of course it’s Orton to take out Evolution. So…..was there a girl in there in the first place and Orton kidnapped her? Or did he just pay off the production people? HHH gets thrown into the hole in the cake, leaving his feet kicking in the air for a funny bit. Not funny enough to validate HHH getting another long promo or another title reign or how obvious the whole thing was, but funny.

It’s so funny that we look at it again after a break. During said break, HHH got out of the cake and kept falling over from the icing.

HHH yells at Bischoff and gets Orton in a handicap match tonight.

Chris Benoit vs. Robert Conway

William Regal comes out to cancel out Sylvan Grenier. Conway jumps him to start so Benoit slides between the legs and goes with the chops. It’s way too early for the Sharpshooter as Conway bails outside for a breather. Back in and Conway snaps off a suplex to take over, meaning we hit the stomping and choking. A neck crank doesn’t last long as Benoit fights up, only to get thrown to the floor almost immediately.

Back in and Benoit hooks a quick small package for two but Conway chokes him right back down. Conway has him in trouble again as Benoit is giving Conway more than he’s ever gotten in his career. Benoit finally fights back with forearms and a snap suplex for two of his own. It’s time to crank things up and Benoit rolls some German suplexes, setting up the Crossface for the win.

Rating: C-. That’s a fine way to go with Benoit, as he made Conway look good for a little while and then won without much effort as soon as he started putting in some effort. Benoit isn’t about to lose to Conway but Conway can get a lot out of just beating on Benoit for a few minutes. Nothing great or even very good, but what we got was fine.

Shelton Benjamin is coming back.

Taboo Tuesday is coming.

Here’s Stacy Keibler for this week’s Diva Search segment, which is a Seattle Slugfest. Molly Holly (with her regular hair) comes out to interrupt instead though and says the girls can have their “sl**” fest later (that’s a major swear from Molly). For right now though, it’s time for the two of them to have a competition of their own, with Stacy getting the pick.

That would be a dance off, but Molly had eight years of ballet classes. She requests to dance to William Regal’s music and does just fine, as expected. Stacy does the kind of dance you would expect from her and seems to be declared the winner. Molly jumps her from behind, drawing in Nidia, Gail Kim, Victoria and Trish Stratus for the big brawl. Bischoff, six woman, bell.

Trish Stratus/Molly Holly/Gail Kim vs. Stacy Keibler/Nidia/Victoria

Joined in progress with the Nidia hitting Trish with a middle rope crossbody. A spinebuster cuts Nidia down for two though and some right hands keep Nidia in trouble. It’s off to Gail as the fans want Stacy, likely due to her barely existing skirt. Gail’s half crab has Nidia screaming until she makes a rope. Molly comes in as Lawler makes jokes about the Diva Search girls boxing later. A neckbreaker takes Gail down and thankfully it’s off to Victoria instead of Stacy. Victoria gets to clean house on her own until Molly ties her in the Tree of Woe. That’s enough for Stacy to tag herself in though and grab a rollup to pin Molly.

Rating: D. What were you expecting here? Stacy has no business being in there and Nidia isn’t exactly good either. That leaves four women to carry a six woman tag and it’s not the easiest thing in the world when one of the women worked most of the match. It wasn’t good, but at least it was short and that’s about as good as it gets.

Kane comes in to Bischoff and wants Shawn Michaels tonight. Bischoff can’t do that as Shawn is booked for the Highlight Reel, so Kane grabs him by the throat. Since Shawn isn’t happening tonight, Kane can fight him any other night. As for tonight, Bischoff will find someone and Kane can have a No DQ match with no questions asked.

It’s time for the Highlight Reel with Jericho talking about last night’s brutal match but it was all worth it (even the ladder suppository) to get the Intercontinental Title back. That’s a record breaking seven times, which brings him to his guest, who is a former Intercontinental Champion in his own right. This brings out Shawn, who talks about beating Kane even uglier than he was before. Jericho agrees that it was impressive, but not quite as impressive as winning the Intercontinental Title for the SEVENTH TIME.

Actually that’s why Shawn is out here, because they’re neck and neck over the years. They’ve met in Seattle before so let’s do it one more time for the title. Cue Christian and Tyson Tomko with Christian talking about how awesome his career has been. He’s so awesome that he should get the Intercontinental Title shot right now. Shawn says deal, as soon as Christian beat shim. Jericho says not so fast, because he knows what is going to happen.

Everyone knows what’s going to happen and is willing to read the front row’s minds. A lot of fans are really excited to see it but section 53 knows that Tyson Tomko is going to interfere. There’s a kid that knows the solution though: let’s have a tag match! So the kid is the reason we’re not seeing Shawn vs. Christian or Jericho? Someone throw that kid in a closet, cover him in peanut butter and let a trio of rabid squirrels loose.

Christian/Tyson Tomko vs. Shawn Michaels/Chris Jericho

Joined in progress with Shawn chopping away at Christian (with bad ribs) before handing it off to Jericho for a suplex. It’s already back to Shawn to slug away at Tomko in the corner before tripping him down for a basement dropkick. One heck of a clothesline takes Shawn’s head off (Lawler: “PROBLEM SOLVED!”) and the villains take over. JR uses a neck crank to recap the evening (not the worst idea in the world), followed by Christian coming in to stomp away.

A flying forearm gets Shawn out of trouble though and it’s back to Jericho so the pace can pick up. The springboard dropkick puts Tomko on the floor with Christian following him, setting up the big stereo dives. We take a break (allowing me to drool over the idea Shawn and Jericho as a full time team) and come back with Jericho in trouble as Christian slaps on a chinlock with a knee in the back.

Christian’s backbreaker gets two and Tomko pulls on the ribs again. Jericho finally avoids a charge from Christian and the hot tag brings in Shawn to clean house. The top rope elbow hits Tomko but Christian crotches Shawn against the post for a save. Jericho cuts Christian off and it’s Sweet Chin Music to finish Tomko.

Rating: D+. That’s a “well that happened” if I’ve ever seen one. The more talented team won and it’s not like there was anything important happening here. You can’t tease a Shawn vs. Jericho or Shawn vs. Christian match and then go with this lame tag match, but for some reason that’s as good as we can get. Not a terrible match, but quite the downgrade.

Post match Christian gives Shawn the Unprettier on the floor.

Simon Dean, a fitness guru with his own Simon System of weight loss products, is looking forward to helping us lose weight. This is set up like an old commercial for a product, complete with a phone number and payment plan, which gives me some nice flashbacks to the old WCW days.

It’s Diva Search time with Coach hosting. The three come out with JR having to handle the mini bios, making him sound like a very sad man indeed. Joy is eliminated so Christy and Carmella put on the huge boxing gloves. Thankfully Vince McMahon comes out to interrupt and talk about next week being the season premiere of Raw.

Therefore, next week will see a groundbreaking announcement that affects Bischoff, everyone in the locker room and every fan around here. As for tonight though, Vince has an announcement…for Coach. Instead of the women fighting each other, they’re going to beat up Coach, who has to stand in one place or be fired. The referee even gives them some suggested targets and each of them gets thirty seconds.

Christy hits him low and chokes him down before biting him on the back of the pants. Carmella goes more traditional with rights to the face, one of which knocks Coach down. That means Christy wins, because duh. The winner of the whole thing is announced next week, thank goodness.

Eugene has a very separated shoulder after last week’s attack from HHH.

Kane vs. Gene Snitsky

No DQ. Kane clotheslines him down to start and hits a big boot to the side of the head as Lawler makes fun of JR for not knowing Snitsky. A raised boot in the corner slows Kane down and Snitsky hits those big right hands of his, which start with a big pull back and finish with a bigger follow through. It looks like he’s aiming for Kane’s stomach.

Snitsky hits him low to cut off a chokeslam attempt but Kane kicks him down again. Kane wraps the chair around Snitsky’s throat but Lita gets in and takes it off. That means an argument, allowing Snitsky to chair Kane in the back, sending him right onto Lita. That means a no contest, and likely a miscarriage.

We get the big stretcher job as Lita holds her stomach and Kane tells her that the baby is going to be ok. After a break, we get a BABY KILLER chant, which you don’t get to hear very often.

Smackdown Rebound.

Post break, Kane helps Lita into an ambulance as Stacy and Victoria look on.

Evolution vs. Randy Orton

Flair jumps Orton before the bell so Orton backdrops him down to check off the Bingo square. It’s off to HHH (Not Batista first?) to get punched in the face but Orton slides outside and pulls Batista down onto the apron. Batista comes in legally so Orton slugs away again until a spinebuster takes him down. Now HHH is willing to come in for some shots to the face but the Pedigree is countered with a slingshot, sending HHH crotch first into the buckle. The RKO is loaded up but Batista comes in with the clothesline and that’s a lame DQ.

Post match the beatdown is on until Shelton Benjamin makes his return for the save….and gets beaten down. Benoit makes the real save and Batista takes the beatdown to end the show. Wouldn’t it have been more productive to have those run-ins in reverse? Eh at least the six man should be good.

Overall Rating: D. That ending segment is a perfect compliment to the opener: Orton gets the better of HHH at the beginning and the end, but none of that really matters as HHH is still the champion. That’s not exactly something that makes me want to see where things are going, because things are going in the direction of more HHH on top with HAHA I’M STILL CHAMPION being the big closing line every week. It’s been that way for far too long now and that’s not the right way to make me want to keep watching.

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