Impact Wrestling – March 15, 2019: The Slow Moving Crawl
IMG Credit: Impact Wrestling
Impact Wrestling
Date: March 15, 2019
Commentators: Don Callis, Josh Matthews
Things are rolling along as usual around here, which means a lot of the same stories that kind of need to go somewhere already. That’s one of Impact’s biggest problems and it’s been the case for years: they don’t seem to know how wrap up stories so things just keep going on and on for months. Hopefully we get some advancement soon because the good things that they have are rapidly approaching their expiration date. Let’s get to it.
Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.
Standard opening recap.
Opening sequence.
OVE vs. Rich Swann/Willie Mack/Tommy Dreamer
Yes seriously. It’s a brawl to start with Swann and Callihan being left in the ring until Rich kicks him to the floor. The good guys are left inside until it’s Dreamer and Sami starting things off, allowing Callis to talk about Dreamer sticking his nose into everything. Preach it man. Mack comes in to work on Jake’s arm and Dreamer adds a bottom rope ax handle. Dave takes over on Dreamer and it’s off to Sami for an elbow drop.
The Cactus Piledriver is countered though and it’s a catapult to send Sami into the corner. Mack comes back in for a powerslam and the standing moonsault, followed by a nip up. Dreamer drops an elbow and does his version of a nip up (it’s funny because he’s old and fat), leaving Mack and Swann to do their dives.
Instead of diving, Dreamer runs to the apron and climbs down for some right hands (it’s funny because he’s old and fat if you didn’t get the same joke a minute ago). Back from a break with Swann fighting out of Sami’s chinlock but getting caught in Jake’s reverse Rings of Saturn.
With that broken up, Dave works on the leg until a kick to the head lets Dreamer get the hot tag. Sami comes in to spit in Dreamer’s face as everything breaks down. Dreamer knocks all three of them into a corner for a running cannonball from Mack, and it’s stereo frog splashes onto the Crists. Tommy even hits his own splash onto Sami (BECAUSE HE’S OLD AND FAT!) but Callihan pops up and hits the Cactus Piledriver for the pin at 19:03.
Rating: C-. So now the heel commentator’s line is “Dreamer needs to go away because he keeps stealing spots from people”? Why would I disagree with that? Is is because Dreamer is a legend who won’t go away? Or is it because he’s old and fat and makes fun of being old and fat? It’s not funny but you can’t make fun of Dreamer because he was in ECW or something.
Brian Cage asks Johnny Impact, in a neck brace, if he’s ready for tonight. Johnny says he’ll be there. The swerve is strong with this one.
Video on Impact vs. Cage, with the title on the line tonight.
The Rascalz are in their circle when Moose joins them and wonders what’s up with Melissa Santos. Moose punches them all for making fun of his clothes.
Here’s Glenn Gilbertti to call out Scarlett Bordeaux, who he fights next week. Instead he gets a clown.
Glenn Gilbertti vs. Kikutaro
He’s a Japanese comedy guy in a mask. They fight over arm control to start with Kikutaro stopping to dance. Some shoulders don’t work so Glenn punches him down and whips Kikutaro across the ring over and over. The chinlock goes on for all of two seconds so Glenn slams him down but misses the Village People’s Elbow (with a YMCA dance). Kikutaro hits part of a Shining Wizard but a missed moonsault lets Glenn hit the Chartbuster (Stunner) for the pin at 4:23.
Rating: D. It’s kind of hard to complain that much about this story as it’s mostly harmless and isn’t getting a ton of time. Scarlett is going to beat Gilbertti up and the fans will be happy while no one of value takes a loss. They’re giving the story about five minutes a week and that’s all they need to do. In other words, this was harmless.
Taya Valkyrie isn’t worried about defending the Knockouts Title because her husband is in danger tonight.
Reno Scum vs. KM/Fallah Bahh
Rematch from a few weeks ago when Scum lost but beat them up after the match. It’s a brawl on the floor to start with Scum taking over and sending Bahh into the steps. KM gets punched in the corner until an enziguri drops Luster. There’s no Bahh though, meaning KM has to clothesline Thornstowe down before making the real hot tag. The Samoan drop gets two on Thornstowe, followed by Luster going shoulder first into the post. That’s enough for Bahh to hit a belly to belly for the pin on Thornstowe at 4:32.
Rating: D. Another nothing match but that’s the best way to use Scum. They’re just loud and obnoxious which isn’t enough to make me want to see them stick around. I don’t say this often but KM and Bahh deserve better than this. Hopefully this was just for the Las Vegas tapings as I really don’t want Scum around regularly.
Konnan asks the Lucha Bros when they’re giving LAX their rematch. That’s not happening so Konnan threatens them as they leave.
Post break Konnan tells them that there’s no rematch yet. LAX doesn’t seem worried because it’s going to be a street fight.
Tessa Blanchard vs. Jordynne Grace
#1 contenders match. Tessa can’t do much with the power to start so Jordynne runs her over with a clothesline. The threat of a splash in the corner makes Tessa pull the referee in front of her, meaning it’s a hard forearm to Jordynne’s face. The hanging Downward Spiral is countered but Tessa grabs the Codebreaker for two instead. That kickout doesn’t sit well with Tessa so she hammers away but walks into a spinebuster.
Back from a break with Tessa unloading with forearms until a Michinoku Driver gets Jordynne out of trouble. A Muscle Buster is broken up and Tessa hits some kind of a swinging reverse DDT. Tessa goes up but spends too much time talking about Gail Kim, allowing Grace to slam her down. An elbow to the face staggers Jordynne but she’s right back with the Grace Driver (pumphandle driver) for the pin at 10:21.
Rating: C. Nice power match here, even if we’re just killing time until Kim vs. Blanchard. I mean, you have to give them time to set up the 194 video packages on how legendary and amazing Kim really is. Grace going after the title could be interesting as you can only have a monster like her in the midcard for so long.
Tessa sells the heck out of the driver and barely moves. After she finally gets up, Tessa snaps, yells about Kim some more and beats up the timekeeper. Gail Kim comes in for the save and clears the ring.
United We Stand ad.
Tessa yells at Scott D’Amore and demands something be done about Gail. Speaking of Gail, she comes in and yells as well, earning herself a suspension. This story really doesn’t warrant such a long build.
United We Stand rundown.
GWN Flashback Of The Week: Brian Cage vs. Eli Drake from last year’s Lucha Underground vs. Impact show.
Rosemary tries to get inside Allie’s head and find the Bunny. Allie says it’s gone and laughs because Rosemary looks pathetic. Rosemary: “WHERE’S THE BUNNY?” This is more interesting, even though we had to sit through all those losses for Allie and company.
Callihan yells about Swann turning his back on OVE. Now he’s going to take everything from Swann, starting with the X-Division Title next week.
Desi Hit Squad vs. Eddie Edwards/Eli Drake
Eddie and Raj start things off and trade some right hands before it’s off to both partners. It’s already back to Edwards to chop Raju, who brings Raj back in for a flapjack into a sliding knee from Raju. A jumping Downward Spiral gets two and Eli gets knocked off the apron. That’s too much for him so he comes in sans tag to beat up the Squad, which amazingly enough isn’t all that hard. Gama Singh gets on the apron for a distraction so Drake throws in Kenny, allowing Eddie to knock Raju cold for the pin at 5:21.
Rating: D+. The Hit Squad is less annoying than they used to be but they’re still not an act that I want to watch every week. Drake and Edwards are fine as a team and Drake getting a tweener push is rather interesting for a change. He’s still one of the best talkers in the company and it’s a good idea to see him getting this kind of a chance. Throw in the eternally good Edwards and they might have something here.
Impact Wrestling World Title: Johnny Impact vs. Brian Cage
Overall Rating: D+. The main event angle was nice and FINALLY advanced the story somewhat, though the rest of the show left a lot to be desired. You can only get so far with doing the same stuff over and over, but for some reason Impact is fine with spinning their wheels on stories for months at a time. There’s a long way to go before Rebellion but you can at least see the card being set up. As usual: some good stuff here and there, just not enough that makes you want to come back.
Results
OVE b. Tommy Dreamer/Rich Swann/Willie Mack – Cactus Piledriver to Dreamer
Glenn Gilbertti b. Kikutaro – Chartbuster
KM/Fallah Bahh b. Reno Scum – Belly to belly to Thornstowe
Jordynne Grace b. Tessa Blanchard – Grace Driver
Eli Drake/Eddie Edwards b. Desi Hit Squad – Kendo stick to Raju
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