New Year’s Revolution 2005 (2019 Redo): Two Thirds Of A Mess Is Mostly Messy
IMG Credit: WWE
Date: January 9, 2005
Location: Coliseo de Puerto Rico, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Attendance: 15,764
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler
The opening video starts by talking about how awesome Puerto Rico is but bleeds into a video on the horrors of the Chamber. It’s a simple idea but what else are they supposed to talk about here?
Tag Team Titles: Christian/Tyson Tomko vs. Eugene/William Regal
Regal and Eugene are defending. Eugene now has a Hulk Hogan inspired bandanna and shirt, making him just a bit more awesome. Regal works on Christian’s arm to start but Christian takes him down with a wristdrag. Some shoulders give Regal two and the basics continue with a hiptoss, allowing the tag off to Eugene. That means Christian’s tights are pulled up rather far and Eugene dances a bit.
Eugene leapfrogs over him and gets on all fours for the headbutts and raising of a leg. Tomko comes in so Eugene bails to the floor to high five some fans. The villains give chase but Eugene sneaks underneath the ring and rams Christian into Tomko for a bit of fun. We settle down to Tomko taking over on Eugene, including some elbows to the face in the corner.
Christian comes in for some shots to the head but it’s time to Hulk Up. The comeback includes a backdrop (not exactly a Hogan specialty) and a tag to Regal, who fires off some dropkicks of all things. Tomko takes him down again though and some elbow drops get two. We hit the chinlock as Regal’s nose is already busted. It’s back to Tomko for some choking as the fans tell him that he sucks. A cheap shot from Christian cuts off Regal’s comeback attempt and it’s off to a front facelock.
Regal starts heading over for the tag but Christian pulls Eugene down, meaning there’s no one to tag. For some reason Eugene doesn’t move two feet forward to tag Regal when he makes the corner and it’s Tomko pulling Regal back into the corner. A missed charge lets Regal make the tag though and the comeback is on. Eugene forearms Tomko down and hits a dropkick….but comes up clutching his knee. It’s clearly bad and the match grinds to a halt as Christian and Tomko are afraid to touch Eugene. Regal takes Christian to the floor and Eugene gets a very messy rollup (fair enough) to retain.
Rating: C-. It was mostly a comedy match in the first place and then the knee injury messed up whatever the ending was supposed to be. That’s certainly not on them though as there isn’t much you can do when one of your wrestlers knees goes out like that. Eugene won’t be back in the ring for about six months.
The doctors come in to check on Eugene and Regal is right there with him.
Here’s a shot of Christy walking around the pool for the most obvious reasons in the world.
Christian and Tomko run into Edge, who has an idea for later in the night. Christian isn’t happy with Edge and sends Tomko after him but Edge says he can make Christian World Champion. Now Christian is intrigued and they’ll be talking some more.
We recap Trish Stratus vs. Lita, which has been going on for months now. Lita took the Women’s Title from Trish in a very good match about a month ago and now it’s time for the rematch.
Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Lita
Lita is defending. Feeling out process to start with Lita tripping her down and Trish bailing to the ropes. Lita knocks her to the floor and tries a Thesz press, wrecking her own knee in the process. Back in and Trish hammers away on the mostly immobile Lita, followed by some kicks to the injured leg. Lita tries some right hands but can’t stand up. She tries the DDT but falls down again, setting up the Chick Kick to make Trish champion again. I’m not going to rate this as Lita couldn’t move for most of the match. She tore her ACL on that Thesz press and wouldn’t wrestle again for over a year.
Maria is by the pool as well for the same reason as Christy.
Edge tries to give Christian his spot in the Elimination Chamber because he can’t get a fair shot tonight. See, Christian can have the spot and whoever wins can face Edge for the title tomorrow night on Raw. Eric Bischoff: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” It’s not happening so Edge leaves in a huff and runs into Shawn, who says he’ll call it right down the line. Unless he’s provoked of course because then he’d retaliate. He’s looking forward to counting Edge out tonight.
Intercontinental Title: Shelton Benjamin vs. Maven
Maven is challenging and hides in the ropes early on. He does it again for a bonus and the fans insult him in Spanish, sending Maven outside for a breather. The fans tell him that he’s awful so Maven gets back on the apron….and then drops down again. Maven doesn’t want the count started yet because he has something to say. He even gets up on a chair to talk about how he’s not sure how many people here speak English. Therefore, he’ll talk very slow so people can understand him.
Maven yells at a fan that he doesn’t know what he’s saying. See, he can’t concentrate if the fans keep yelling at him like this, meaning he can’t win the Intercontinental Title. Maven goes with some Spanish to tell the fans to shut their mouths. Shelton goes after him but Maven says that’s enough and walks out. He changes his mind at nine and dives back in….where Shelton rolls him up for the pin. The match was about six minutes total and Maven spent four and a half of that on the floor.
Rating: F. I get how this could be a nice way to get the fans going and then give them something to cheer for, but after what else has happened on this show, that couldn’t have come at a worse time. We haven’t had a full match without someone getting severely hurt yet and now they do a promo instead of a match? It could have been a good idea at a house show, but how much did fans pay to watch a promo from MAVEN?
Post match Maven says that didn’t count and wants a rematch. He says Shelton is the second Women’s Champion so let’s do this again.
Intercontinental Title: Shelton Benjamin vs. Maven
Shelton is defending and the exploder retains the title in five seconds.
Candice Michelle rubs suntan lotion on Christy’s back. These things are about fifteen seconds long so at least they’re not wasting too much time with them.
We look at the debate from Raw with Muhammad Hassan and Daivari beating up JR and Lawler.
Hassan and Daivari say that was biased footage that didn’t show Lawler insulting him before the fight. Oh and Puerto Rico isn’t even good enough to be a state. They were detained in the airport last night for three hours and their hotel reservations were “mysteriously” lost. Tonight, he’s going to show that just because you’re treated like a second class citizen doesn’t mean that you are one.
Jerry Lawler vs. Muhammad Hassan
JR is in King’s corner so there’s no commentary for this. Hassan slams him to start but Lawler does it right back to him as the feeling out continues. Three more slams put Lawler down again and it’s time for a breather. Back in and Lawler punches him to the floor, where Hassan gets in an argument with JR. That just means more right hands but Hassan takes over again back inside.
Hassan starts in on the shoulder with JR imploring King to kick out. The camel clutch continues the stereotypical checklist as the fans are dying here. More basic offense, including a kick to the head and a suplex, get two and it’s off to the chinlock. A neckbreaker gets two more and Daivari is losing his mind on these kickouts.
The BORING chants begin (and rightfully so) and Lawler gets fired up, meaning it’s time to take down the strap. The dropkick sets up the middle rope fist drop for two, followed by a DDT for the same. Daivari put the foot on the rope so it’s time for the showdown with JR. That’s enough of a distraction for Hassan to hit a Downward Spiral for the pin.
Rating: F. I’m not sure I can think of a good thing to say about this one. Hassan is supposed to be the big new heel and needs help beating Jerry Lawler in his debut? On top of that, the match wasn’t even remotely good with Hassan using the most standard offense you can imagine. This was horrible and Hassan looks to be in trouble early.
Batista promises to be a wrecking machine in the Chamber when Randy Orton comes in. Orton calls Batista a stooge and says HHH only cares about the two of them as long as they’re helping protect the title. He’s been in there before and helped HHH retain. Look where that got Orton in the end. Batista threatens him but says he’s coming for the title.
Coach takes King’s place on commentary for the time being.
We recap Gene Snitsky vs. Kane. Snitsky caused Lita and Kane to lose their baby and then crushed Kane’s throat. Since then, Snitsky has….well pretty much just existed. Now Kane is back for revenge in a story that wasn’t that great in the first place.
Kane vs. Gene Snitsky
JR busts out the Bowling Shoe Ugly line before the opening bell, because after everything else, this match warrants a warning. Kane runs him over to start and drops the jumping leg, followed by some standard choking. A powerslam gets two but Snitsky gets in a sidewalk slam and a clothesline of his own.
It’s time to head outside and peel back the ring mats, which can never end well. Snitsky’s powerbomb is countered into a backdrop, though he’s fine enough to kick Kane out of the air back inside. Kane’s back is bent around the post and Snitsky slams him….so Kane sits up. He does it a second and third time as Snitsky doesn’t seem to learn.
The head back outside with Snitsky grabbing a chair but getting kicked in the face. Back in and Kane hammers away in the corner, setting up a sidewalk slam. The top rope clothesline connects this time around but a hot shot cuts Kane off. The chokeslam is broken up and Snitsky bites the ear. Kane sits up again and this time it’s the Tombstone for the pin.
Rating: D. This is rapidly approaching an all time terrible show with another with another bad match. These two have fought as many times as you can now and there isn’t anything left for the feud. Kane wins and Snitsky….well he’s probably done in this role, thereby wasting what was a pretty good build. This show has been completely awful so far and seeing these two have a pretty bad power match didn’t help things.
Ad for the Rise and Fall of ECW. I need to watch that again.
Stacy Keibler is now by the pool and let’s look at pretty much everything from earlier again. Then Simon Dean showed up and showed someone into the pool, where the Divas and Val Venis messed around. A chicken fight broke out and Christy untied Maria’s top to win. Oh Christy is so wacky and fun.
We recap the World Title being decided in the Elimination Chamber. So HHH lost the title in a triple threat but since the bosses can’t make their mind up, we’re getting the Chamber to crown HHH as the champion again. Like it’s going to be anyone else, even with Shawn Michaels as the guest referee.
The Chamber is lowered.
HHH is with Batista in the back and they agree to take care of each other. Unless HHH is out before Batista gets in that is. If that’s the case, Batista is coming for the title.
Eric Bischoff comes out and explains the Chamber.
Lilian Garcia explains the Chamber.
Raw World Title: Edge vs. Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton vs. HHH vs. Batista, Chris Benoit
Inside the Chamber, the title is vacant coming in, Batista is coming in last due to winning the Beat The Clock Challenge and Shawn Michaels is guest referee. It’s Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho to start things off. Feeling out process to start and they go to the mat with Jericho getting a headlock. Benoit comes back with the skin ripping chops in the corner but Jericho is right back with some of his own. The first German suplex rocks Jericho so he elbows his way out of the second.
That means he has to elbow out of a Crossface attempt instead and the bulldog gets two on Benoit. A top rope superplex puts Jericho down but Benoit can’t follow up as HHH is in third. HHH starts in with the knees, followed by a clothesline to take Jericho down. It’s time to go outside with the steel floor, but first Benoit needs to go into the Chamber wall. That’s good for some blood so HHH punches away at the cut. Another ram into the cage gets two but Jericho breaks up the Pedigree.
A backdrop sends HHH into the steel and you know JR can call that one with some relish. The bulldog gets two on HHH but Benoit is back up go hit a neckbreaker on Jericho. The fans count us down (in Spanish) until it’s Edge in fourth. That means a series of spears in the corner and the Edgecution for two on HHH. Jericho sends Edge over the top but gets catapulted into the wall. It works so well that HHH gets catapulted as well to put both of them down outside.
Edge’s top rope clothesline hits Benoit, who can’t get the Crossface. Jericho’s, who is busted as well, running enziguri drops Edge for two as the announcers mention Shawn, who has done absolutely nothing so far. HHH, also bleeding, comes in for the spinebuster and Pedigree to Jericho as everyone is down. As luck would have it, Orton is in fifth with a high crossbody on HHH. They head out with HHH going into the wall again, followed by an RKO to Jericho. Orton tries one on Benoit but gets pulled into the Crossface, with Benoit on one knee for some reason.
HHH talks trash while the hold is on so Benoit legs go of Orton and grabs the Sharpshooter. That earns him an RKO from Orton but instead of a cover, we get Edge spearing Shawn by mistake. There’s a spear to Orton but there’s no referee. Edge slaps Shawn so it’s Sweet Chin Music, setting up the Lionsault for the first elimination.
With HHH down, Benoit goes all the way up to the top of the pod for the Swan Dive. There’s still no cover though as Jericho slaps on the Walls with Benoit adding the Crossface on HHH at the same time. Somehow THAT isn’t enough to beat HHH as Batista comes in sixth to complete the field and make the save. The fans are very pleased as Batista wrecks people, leaving HHH (who is somehow alive) alone for the staredown.
The other three break that up so Batista clotheslines Orton and Benoit at the same time. That’s not fair to Jericho, who gets gorilla pressed onto a cameraman for the always fun visual. Benoit chop blocks Batista to save Orton from a choke and it’s time to stomp on Batista in the corner. The mostly dead cameraman is helped out of the Chamber and Jericho bulldogs HHH onto the steel. Batista goes in as well and everyone is down again. It’s Batista up first with a spinebuster on Benoit, followed by a spinebuster on Jericho onto Benoit to get rid of the latter and get us down to four.
A powerslam and Batista Bomb get rid of Jericho and it’s down to three. Everyone winds up outside of the ring with Orton being catapulted into the Chamber wall to make everyone bloody. Batista and HHH start double teaming Orton with Batista not looking all that pleased with the boss.
A powerslam gets two on Orton, followed by the hard clothesline for the same. HHH and Batista yell at Shawn, allowing Orton to come back with right hands and kicks to the ribs. A low blow drops Batista and the RKO gets rid of him with HHH letting the pin go down. The RKO hits HHH but Flair comes in, allowing Batista to blast Orton with the clothesline. HHH hits the Pedigree to get the title back.
Rating: B. It’s long, it’s rather good and while annoying, you knew where they were going with the finish. What matters most here though is Batista, who looks like he’s ready to be unleashed at any time. That’s exactly the point of this match and it worked very well in that regard. It felt like an epic fight to get to the win, though HHH winning again is a necessary evil to get through for the time being.
HHH has Batista put him on his shoulders and we get the thumbs up but no turn to end the show.
Overall Rating: D. This is one of the weirder shows I can remember in a long time. The main event is very good and came close to saving the show, the rest of the night was a disaster. The Women’s Title match can be completely written off and the Tag Team Title match was watchable enough until the ending.
Then there’s the middle of the show, which saw everything fall apart. The Intercontinental Title match can really only be written off by an injury (I’d certainly hope so), Hassan’s match was horribly done and Kane vs. Snitsky just wasn’t very good. That leaves you with the main event, but still it’s not enough to make up for the hour and forty five minutes of awful before then. A lot of this wasn’t their fault, but the middle three matches were so bad that there isn’t much of a way around them. Rather bad show, though the main event is worth a glance if you haven’t seen it in awhile.
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