Orange Cassidy Is Doing Something Or Whatever Who Knows???: With Apologies To Jim Cornette
IMG Credit: GCW
Orange Cassidy Is Doing Something Or Whatever Who Knows???
Date: April 6, 2019
Location: White Eagle Hall, Jersey City, New Jersey
Commentators: Denver Colorado, Sarah Shockey
I think it’s safe to say that this is one of the most unique titles I’ve ever seen. This is a replacement show from Wrestlemania weekend with a one off card to replace the Dragon Gate show after the promotion fell through. It feels like a bunch of shows that I’ve seen from the weekend but Cassidy is entertaining enough on his own. Let’s get to it.
Here’s Orange Cassidy to start things off and I don’t know if I’ve ever heard him talk. Cassidy slowly introduces himself and asks a fan at the bar to do the ring announcing. The fan gets in, is told that he’s the wrong guy, and the right one gets in. Cassidy can’t find the match card, which Sarah says is so indy wrestling. The announcer tells Cassidy to hold his jacket, which Cassidy throws at the ropes. As luck would have it, the guy just happens to be former Chikara ring announcer Gavin Loudspeaker. It’s like that time with Santino Marella being pulled out of the crowd. You never know how lucky you can get.
Allie Kat vs. Kris Statlander vs. Saraya Knight vs. Shotzi Blackheart
Statlander is like an old friend at this point. This is a Swamp Monster lumberjack elimination match and Saraya is better known as Paige’s mom. Naturally the lumberjacks are in swamp monster gear as the commentators rant about how worthless it is to be trending. The fans are behind Kat with the MEOW chants and she lays down, asking Saraya to pat her belly because it’s an honor to be in the ring with her.
Saraya kicks her instead and does the same to a concerned Kris. A slap to a swamp monster does very little as the announcers try to figure out why the monsters aren’t sending Kris and Allie back in. Saraya takes Shotzi to the top, punches her low, and throws them onto the monsters. Kris rolls Saraya up for two and is asked what the f*** she is doing. Saraya: “You’re a f****** alien, a f****** wolf and a f****** cat. Are you f****** kidding me?”
That earns her a triple teaming, which Sarah thinks is the spinach to her Popeye. A running forearm in the corner sets up a triple pin to get rid of Saraya at 3:13. Crowd: “BREXIT!” We’re down to three and Kris uses mind control to make the other two collide with each other. Everyone winds up outside and the swamp monsters continue to just stand around. Shotzi gets on the apron, tries a running start, and drops to her knee to punch Kris.
The monsters pick Shotzi up and walk her around so she can kick Shotzi in the face as commentary is ripping this apart (in a nice way). A running dive off the apron takes Allie and Kris down as the fans want to see something. Back in and Shotzi hits an enziguri on Kris (who is taking a beating here), followed by a top rope backsplash for the elimination at 7:04. We’re down to Allie vs. Shotzi, with the two of them colliding in the corner.
They forearm it out until Allie ties her in the ropes to claw at Shotzi’s chest. Allie teases a suicide dive but decides that she’s scared and stops. Crowd: “SCAREDY CAT!” She tries it again and slowly crawls onto the arms of the monsters, which the crowd declares PAWSOME. Back in and Shotzi hits a running splash in the corner and a DDT right back out of the corner gets two. The top rope backsplash misses though and Allie hits a piledriver for the pin at 11:11.
Rating: C. Oh this is going to be a long night and that’s a good thing. This was a lot of goofy fun, which is exactly what this show is supposed to be. You can’t have the most serious show in the world under these circumstances so don’t waste your time trying. Do something different and have a good time, which is what happened here. Except for Saraya, who seems rather angry about everything.
Bryce Remsburg gets a big introduction, as he should.
Logan Easton LaRoux vs. Chris Brookes
This is 7/13 falls and LaRoux is a rich guy. Brookes kicks him low for the DQ at 10 seconds. The second fall begins and Brookes’ partner Kid Lykos comes in for another low blow and the second DQ at 42 seconds. Brookes grabs something like an Octopus Hold for the tap at 1:24, which Sarah says is treating him Logan Easton LaRoux-edly.
Logan chops away (Sarah: “Trading chops like Pogs.”) before grabbing a sunset flip but Brookes sits down on it for the pin….and then Logan gets the flip for the pin….and then Brookes reverses for another pin….and then they alternate until it’s 6-6 (with one two count in the middle to freak the fans out) at 2:59. Logan hits a dropkick and a running kick in the corner sets up a suplex for two. Brookes is right back with a middle rope backsplash to the standing Logan for two as the announcers think it should be 6-5.
With Brookes caught in something like an abdominal stretch, Lykos puts a mask on Remsburg to blind him. Brookes’ low blow is blocked and Logan hits an enziguri for no count. Lykos comes in to cheat but gets kicked low as Remsburg is still fighting with the mask. As the mask comes off, Brookes feigns having been kicked low but Remsburg doesn’t buy it and throws the mask at Lykos. To keep the pace up, Brookes grabs a small package for the final pin at 6:55.
Rating: C+. What am I even supposed to say to this one? This was another very entertaining match as they’re not even trying to do anything serious on this show. That was the case again here and that pinfall exchange sequence was great stuff. They didn’t bother with anything stupid that would take too much time and just went with the fun idea instead. I’m wanting to see what they do next and that’s a nice feeling.
Tony Deppen vs. Lucky 13 vs. Jigsaw vs. Air Wolf vs. Dan Champion vs. Jake Atlas vs. Sonny Defarge
The winner gets a $16.34 Friendly’s gift card. At the same time, it is announced as the 3rd Annual Jansport Backpack Orange Cassidy Invitational Scramble, meaning the announcers make Jansport jokes throughout the entrances. Champion gets sextuple dropkicked to the floor as the announcers laugh about some of the novelty Jansport products available. Deppen spins out of a headscissors attempt but gets taken down by a very springboardy wristdrag. Multiple F bombs are dropped as Atlas spins around him and cartwheels into a standoff.
Wolf and Jigsaw come back in for the stereo submission attempts but stop to slap each other. Jigsaw is sent outside and Defarge takes his place to kick Wolf outside. 13 comes in and kicks Defarge to set up moonsault knees to the chest. Defarge is back up with a spinning kick to the chest in the corner with Champion having to make the save. Champion backdrops 13 over the top for a messy DDT onto Defarge onto the apron, followed by a Nightmare Pendulum into a backbreaker.
A heck of a TKO plants 13 again and it’s a suplex to Jigsaw for a bonus. Atlas and Wolf get double chokeslammed but Deppen pulls Champion outside. Deppen hits a VERY hard suicide dive onto Defarge and Jigsaw, followed by 13 with a corkscrew moonsault onto everyone. Atlas isn’t being outdone and hits a springboard spinning dive of his own. Champion, the biggest guy in the match, dives onto everyone as well and that’s enough to even get him Champion cheered.
Back in and Champion powerbombs Atlas for two with Jigsaw making the save. Deppen gets suplexed for two but 13 comes off the top with a backsplash for another save. Atlas makes his own save and cartwheels into a cutter on Deppen, followed by a cartwheel on the top into a DDT for two more. Wolf makes the save this time and knees Atlas in the face. This time it’s Defarge making a save and clotheslining the heck out of Wolf.
Champion breaks that up and poses at Defarge with Deppen breaking that up for some posing of his own. Champion and Defarge have had it with Deppen and throw him to the floor, but an attempt to the same to Jigsaw is blocked. The Jig and Tonic (over the back kneeling piledriver) finishes Defarge at 11:54.
Rating: B-. In a way, this was the least interesting match of the night as it felt like it could have been on any given indy show this weekend. Actually that’s because there was a scramble in the same building the night before, featuring a group kick to the biggest guy to start and Atlas as one of the wrestlers. This was fun, but when they literally did something that similar the night before, it loses some effect.
Gavin talks about how awesome Wrestlemania will be, or as he calls it, Fastlane Part II.
Session Moth Martina vs. Nate Webb
This is the It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere Drunken Match, meaning that every thirty seconds, the wrestlers have to chug a beer. Webb gets a big entrance and sings his own theme, complete with playing Remsburg’s leg like a guitar. Webb even starts drinking on his way to the ring, seemingly without much of a tolerance. Remsburg starts dancing and is already the biggest star of the night.
Martina brings in even more beer and starts dancing in front of Remsburg as I don’t know if I’m old enough for this show. Remsburg: “God help us all. RING THE BELL!” They slug it out to start with Webb getting the better of things and a confused Martina swinging at Remsburg. Hang on though as we need to stop for the required beer. They stagger around and forearm each other with Martina slapping at Remsburg some more. And now, more beer. Sarah: “Why couldn’t this be a Gatorade chugging competition???”
They hit the ropes and collapse on their faces, meaning it’s time for another beer. Martina gets fired up as Webb goes outside, leaving her to….run the ropes to the point of exhaustion. Beer time ensues again and Martina falls down again. Webb brings in some chairs and they sit down for another beer. Martina gets knocked out of the chair but gets back up just in time for the next beer. A knee to Webb’s face sets up a half crab but they manage to drink even in the hold.
Webb is smart enough to spit his into Martina’s face for the break, leaving Martina to slam him down. Martina’s top rope Codebreaker gets two and of course, another beer. Webb hits a half nelson faceplant but Martina is up to spit beer in his face. As Martina loads up a superplex, they are still able to get some beers in. Martina plants him for two and they’re already needing to drink again. A double clothesline gives us a double pin at 7:41.
Rating: D-. And I hesitate to call this anything close to wrestling. This one completely missed for me, though that might be because I don’t drink so this is all completely foreign. It was the same joke over and over again and it didn’t really change anything in the, ahem, match. It didn’t work watching it, though the fans seemed to like it live, which seems to be the point.
And now, a dodge ball competition! There are ten people here (MJF with his scarf around his head is glorious) and I have a feeling a ten person tag is about to break out. We need captains to pick teams though so here are Veda Scott and Faye Jackson. It’s time for a quick draft with the following lineups:
Blue: Faye Jackson/Wheeler Yuta/Terra Calaway/Arik Royal/Red Eagle
Red: Veda Scott/Jeff Cannonball/Veda Scott/Daniel Makabe/Sage Phillips
MJF isn’t picked, with Jackson dropping a nice F bomb before picking Eagle to complete her team. Therefore, MJF grabs both dodge balls and leaves, making himself the most entertaining man on the show all over again. Since there are no dodge balls, let’s have a mixed tag! The fans boo and start a WRESTLING SUCKS chant. Denver: “WRESTLING FANS ARE STUPID!”
Team Blue vs. Team Red
Blue: Arik Royal/Faye Jackson/Red Eagle/Terra Calaway/Wheeler Yuta
Red: Daniel Makabe/Jeff Cannonball/Sage Phillips/Shazza McKenzie/Veda Scott
Fans: “DODGE BALL IS REAL!” The rather large Cannonball (who looks like King Kong Bundy’s son) and Calaway start things off and slug it out, with Denver saying that these two are engaged. Well that’s rather appropriate. Cannonball gets knocked down and sits in the corner so Calaway asks for a hug. That’s not happening as Cannonball ducks the hug and chops her.
Yuta comes in and rolls over Shazza, setting up a loud dropkick. It’s off to Sage, as Sarah seems to enjoy the mesh jerseys. Royal hits a claw slam as the lack of tags is strong here. Eagle dropkicks Makabe to the floor and it’s Scott coming in to take him down, only to get scared off by Jackson. Some running hip attacks from Faye crush Veda in the corner but a rake to the eyes gets Veda out of trouble.
With an assist from the ref, Veda walks the rope (Veda to ref: “Thank you!”) and dives onto everyone, triggering the parade of dives until the rather large Royal hits one of his own. Makabe cuts off Yuta’s dive with an abdominal stretch of all things but Terra pulls out a dodge ball for the save, triggering another chant.
Yuta grabs it and tosses it at the pile, followed by a big dive. Sarah: “Yuta utilized it to perfection!” Crowd: “STUPID SEXY YUTA!” Even Jackson hits a dive of her own but Cannonball can’t get over the top. Instead he hits the rope and gets Crossfaced by Terra. Cannonball: “I WANT TO DIVE!” Blue comes in for a quintuple submission at 9:43.
Rating: C. It was fun but it felt a bit like the scramble, meaning it wasn’t quite as entertaining as it could have been. I’ve seen a lot of matches like this before and it felt like it was following a formula for this style. The dodge ball stuff was entertaining, though that might have been MJF.
A fan wins…..a piece of swamp monster!
Gavin is glad we had a wrestling match because Ronda Rousey thinks dodge ball is BS.
And now, Teddy Hart with his cat, to the Reading Rainbow theme. The fans seem to be more interested in the cat. Teddy says that Mr. Velvet (the cat if that isn’t clear) has a black belt in making people smile. He talks about being divorced twice and being in jail twice but he wanted to come to Wrestlemania weekend.
This isn’t just a WWE event because it’s about all kinds of wrestling. He’s liking this place too because the crowd is intelligent and knows that wrestling is everything from dodge ball to him carrying a cat. Teddy talks about how he wants to put smiles on faces and wrestling isn’t about watching a screen, Vince McMahon cutting a promo and people in the back writing a script. He puts over Orange Cassidy and asks him to come out here, so here’s Orange to meet Mr. Velvet. Orange picks up the cat so Teddy can wrap a scarf around him. Now for the book: If I Was A Kitty.
Teddy gets one page (work with me here) in and gets cut off by a GCW chant. A line in the book says that if Teddy was a cat, his nose would be crinkly. Fans: “HOLY S***!” Teddy doesn’t quite know how to handle that a moonsault gets less of a reaction than “my nose would be crinkly.” Teddy: “Maybe less is more.” He finishes the book, which he admits he memorized because he can’t read. That’s one of the most bizarre moments I’ve ever seen and I think they’ve got something here. Just…..this. And then Teddy throws his cat in the air and catches it for the gasp of the night.
Shinjiro Otani vs. Jonathan Gresham
This is announced as a wrestling match, which is booed out of the building. A handshake starts us off and Otani grabs the arm. Gresham spins out without much trouble and Otani has to applaud. Another counter sequence gives us a second standoff but Gresham makes the mistake of chopping in the corner. Gresham takes him down a few times and starts kicking at the arm to take over. With the left arm in trouble, Gresham starts in on the right arm so Otani rolls away for a breather.
Otani can’t slam his way out of an armbar and the fans are rather impressed by that one. A legsweep takes Gresham down and it’s the signature facewash in the corner. The fans are rather pleased so we see it again, with Otani kicking his second in the face again as well. Actually we’ll make it three times for a bonus. Gresham trips him into the corner though and nails a running dropkick. That just ticks Otani off so he forearms Gresham in the face over and over. The slugout goes to Otani until a dragon suplex gives him two. A helicopter bomb finishes Gresham at 7:53.
Rating: B-. It was cool to see a legend like Otani here, even though he feels like he got lost and wound up on a show like this. You had to have a wrestling match here and putting someone like Gresham in there was the best idea they had. Otani was one of the best things about the show so far, mainly because he was something different. This was a rather solid match and the kind of thing the show needed.
Respect is shown post match.
Chuck Taylor vs. Trent?
One minute time limit. Chuck throws a shirt at him and they shove each other around as we’re halfway done. They lock up and the bell rings for the time limit at 1:03. Fans: “MATCH OF THE YEAR!”
Hang on though as we’re getting five more seconds.
Chuck Taylor vs. Trent?
Trent rolls him up for the pin at four seconds.
Post match Chuck yells at Remsburg, who snaps off a headscissors. Remsburg and Trent do the big hug, which is NOT cool with Chuck. They tease a fight and then hug, with Sarah being very pleased.
Nick Gage vs. Ultramantis Black
Gage’s GCW World Title isn’t on the line and this is a Yuletide Death Match because that’s all Gage can be asked to do. A bunch of wrestlers who haven’t been on the show and Air Wolf bring in all kinds of Christmas decorations/various weapons as I have a bad feeling about this one. Black runs him over and Gage gets annoyed at getting caught in the Christmas tree wrapped in barbed wire.
A running dropkick sends Black through the barbed wire board, allowing us to see his Christmas tattoos and mask. Black is tied up in the wire but manages to get untied and low bridge Gage to the floor. Gage throws a chair at his leg to break up a dive off the apron, followed by a whip through some chairs. Another chair is thrown at Black’s head and Gage takes another barbed wire board and drops it wire first on Black.
Somehow Black is right back with a DDT onto a chair but Gage posts him. They get back in with Black getting his knees up to block a middle rope elbow. A full nelson slam onto the barbed wire tree gives Black two and it’s time for the tacks. Of course Gage is right back up to DDT him onto the tacks for two, with the fans wanting the referee dead.
Now the middle rope elbow onto the tree onto Black connects, followed by a swinging neckbreaker onto the tacks. Gage grabs a pair of chairs and puts a board covered in ornaments between them. The superplex through them makes Black cringe and gets two. Black’s comeback goes nowhere and Gage hits a chokebreaker for the pin at 13:10.
Rating: D. I really can’t stand this kind of “wrestling” and I can’t stand Gage even more so this wasn’t exactly my favorite thing in the world. Gage never loses in these things so it wasn’t like there was much doubt. This has never been my style and Gage continues to feel like a lost relic from 2002 indy wrestling, making this pretty easily my least favorite thing on the show.
Post match MJF comes in to chair Gage in the head because I don’t like him enough yet. MJF isn’t happy about not being picked first or about this being fake HAHA nonsense. He’s the only real wrestler in the ring but here’s Cassidy to interrupt. MJF: “ARE YOU A F****** IDIOT???” He explains the idea of a sneak attack so Cassidy blows orange juice in his face. Gage is back up for another chokebreaker and Black lays MJF out as well. Gage and Black put on sunglasses of their own and they exchange hand signals. Cassidy says we can go home now to end the show.
Overall Rating: B. The Jim Cornette fan in me is appalled but I had a great time watching this one. This show made no secrets about what they were going for and they ran with it. There are no long term stories here and it’s just a bunch of people throwing together a show for the sake of throwing together a show. The jokes were funny, the atmosphere was great and I was laughing more than once as I wanted to see what they came up with next. As a wrestling show it’s a nightmare but as two hours and forty five minutes of entertainment, it was a blast. Oh and Sarah Shockey is the most adorable commentator ever.
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