$5 Wrestling: Lucha Aboveground: I Couldn’t Look Away
IMG Credit: Highspots
Lucha Aboveground
Date: May 5, 2019
Location: Hebron Hall, Charlotte, North Carolina
Commentators: Colt Cabana, Marty DeRosa
This is one of the shows I picked up in the big Highspots sale earlier this year and this time around it’s a video download, meaning I have even less to go on. We’re looking at $5 Wrestling this time around and I’m not exactly thinking this is going to be the most serious stuff in the world. Let’s get to it.
As usual, this isn’t a promotion I know anything about so I’m sorry in advance if I miss any plot points (if there are any).
Colt and Marty speak some Spanish to open the show with Colt not being pleased with the quality of his seven grade Spanish class education. We get a preview of the show, with various wrestlers being named with El in front of their names. Even the referee will be under a mask!
They are even going to have a five (or six) way match with the loser getting unmasked. Colt: “And more money for losing his mask.” Colt has also been giving Rush commentary lessons in exchange for teaching him Spanish. The two of them bicker a bit about throwing it to an interview and no, they don’t think that will be edited out. This isn’t going to be the most serious thing in the world is it?
Interviewer Jake Manning is with Mr. Thunderbolt, who has been having a social media feud with Jeff Hart that only Manning knew about. Thunderbolt talks about how there was a guy who thought he was too good for $5 Wrestling a few years ago, so he can come see Thunderbolt today. Then he speaks some Spanish and Manning says the guy who runs Lucha Underground is ticked. As for Hart, who says he is from Canada, Thunderbolt has a George South shirt, which is pink and black. That’s as close as Hart is ever going to get to being Canadian.
Apparently Hart has said he b**** slapped a woman, and since Thunderbolt (a man) is Ladies Champion, that isn’t cool. Then Hart kept running his mouth and Thunderbolt knows that he is a crack mouth (Jake: “And a meth mouth.”). This is wrestling, and Hart needs to either get ready to get hurt or get out of the business. Last time Hart challenged Jake Manning so tonight, Thunderbolt will fight for him.
Manning interviews Jeff Hart, who threatens to break Manning’s hand. Hart won’t look at the camera and calls Thunderbolt a b****, just like every American woman. See, Thunderbolt can’t understand English and Hart will destroy the storm. He can beat up a tornado and he’ll do it again. Manning mentions Matt Hardy’s old “I can slam a tornado” theme so Hart threatens to slap him again.
Hart is a legend and wants to face the Great Muta and Abdullah the Butcher. Manning looks astounded as Hart threatens to stab Abdullah in the fork (yes in the fork). Hart: “Iron Sheik, go f*** your mother!” Manning, seemingly trying not to burst out laughing: “Anything else you have to say?” Hart: “Jake Manning, go f*** yourself.” You can hear the production team laughing out loud as Hart walks off. Hart had an accent and seemed to have some kind of a speech issue and the interview kind of implied he had some mental trouble as well, so this was more than a little awkward at times. Funny, but awkward.
Mr. Thunderbolt vs. Jeff Hart
Colt and Marty are on commentary and we can see them watching from behind ala Mystery Science Theater 3000. We even have a masked lucha referee. Thunderbolt jumps him before the bell to start fast and Thunderbolt, who looks to be near middle age, hiptosses him down a few times and hits a delayed slam. Back up and Hart bails to the floor, leaving Thunderbolt to drop to the mat with no one there to jump over him. Hart stalls on the floor and yells at a woman dubbed Local Babe.
Back in and the headlock doesn’t last long for Thunderbolt so he runs him over with a should. We get some miscommunication so Thunderbolt grabs a headlock (Colt: “Just grab a head kid!”) to take him over. That’s reversed into a headscissors as commentary mocks Hart’s lack of mobility. Thunderbolt manages to handstand his way to freedom and grabs a headlock. That stays on for a good bit as Thunderbolt talks to Hart a bit. Some bad choking goes on and it’s time to discuss what kind of drink Hart would prefer.
A distracted referee doesn’t see Hart get in a low blow so Thunderbolt rolls to the floor for a breather. Hart’s running leg nudge hits Thunderbolt and the referee trips as he follows them out. That’s about as par for the course as you could get around here and I’m glad to see it. Back in and Hart kicks away (Marty: “Eat your heart out Miz.”) but Thunderbolt starts firing up.
A clothesline connects and they’re both down again. Back up and a running….uh….well contact of some kind takes Hart down for two. Commentary can’t believe that a kid is yawning again in the front row but get distracted by Hart trying a Stunner but Thunderbolt falls backwards. Somehow that’s enough for Hart to get the pin at 9:44.
Rating: D+. Oh I was right about what I was getting myself into here and I’m cool with that. You had two rather overweight guys doing their thing out there (whatever that thing is supposed to be) and while it wasn’t exactly a masterpiece (or even anything resembling good), that was kind of the point and it worked well enough.
The crowd is uh, not quite impressed. Cabana: “MUY BIEN!”
Raider Rock (who looked to be about 52 years old and has a growth on his face) is ready to defend the honor of his student, Psycho, against King Jeremy Snaker. Psycho was injured in a car wreck and Rock has a bad elbow. Last night, Raider cheated to beat him (Manning: “Nobody saw that but it happened!”) but he’s ready to dominate, terminate and exterminate. Manning calls him out for saying his catchphrase really fast and explains how important a catchphrase is. Rock tries it again and gets it a little better this time.
Jeremy Snaker, with his valet Avril, talks about beating up Rock yesterday (with Manning again saying that no one saw that) and won’t answer questions about Avril being an old flame. Manning has been watching the Dark Side of the Ring on Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth so he tells Avril to stay away from Lex Luger. Snaker hopes Rock can keep up and no he didn’t visit Psycho in the hospital. Avril says Rock and Psycho got what they deserved.
So if you’re not getting this, the idea is that these people either aren’t wrestlers or actors. It’s being presented like they were brought in off the street but have characters and history, which does kind of fit into the overall theme. It’s taking a lot to get used to, but Manning is making it work by playing it mostly straight. Or as straight as you can be in a situation like this.
UCWF Title: Jeremy Snaker vs. Raider Rock
Rock is challenging and has a bad arm but demands that it’s title vs. career. Snaker takes him into the corner to start and kicks away as commentary tries to recap the story again. As commentary makes fun of Snaker for being dressed like Diesel, Snaker hits a piledriver and grabs an armbar. Snaker goes after the leg to change things up, with commentary not getting the logic. Rock takes him down before they awkwardly collide in the corner.
Snaker awkwardly kicks and chops in the corner before completely whiffing on a running enziguri, sending commentary into hysterics. Another missed superkick sends Rock into the corner anyway and a spear gets two. A very sloppy Pedigree (Colt: “That’s a Pedi-disagree.”) gets no count as Rock pops up (work with me here) and dropkicks the knee. Rock grabs a half crab and pulls back on the chin for the tap and the title at 4:33.
Rating: C. This was entertaining in a completely horrible way and that’s what they were shooting for. I’d be curious to know where they find these guys but that makes it all the more mysterious….I think. The Pedi-Disagree line was great and got an actual chuckle, which you don’t get very often out of a show like this. Keeping it short was important too, but it’s not like the wrestling is important in the slightest around here.
Post match Rock says he’s getting rid of his demon (?) side, meaning no more face paint.
Manning is with Wrestle Ranger (a guy in a cheap looking White Power Ranger costume, but today he’s LUCHA LIBRE Ranger. They aren’t sure about the copyright issues but they’ll roll with it anyway. Tonight, Ranger is in a five (or possibly six) way match where the loser must unmask.
It’s ok though, because he’s used to working with five other people and he’s usually the best of them all. Manning: “I should have watched more show I must not speak of.” After hoping that Zordon is the right reference (Manning: “It’s either him or Gandalf.”), Manning asks Ranger about his chances, with Ranger crediting his special coin. That sends us into references of Super Mario, Transformers and Voltron.
One Horned Liger is back in $5 Wrestling and he’s glad that he was asked to return. He even has all new gear, even though he has been unmasked before. Manning takes the blame for this, saying he had been drinking a lot that night. Liger: “If it happens, it happens.”
El Moono Dos vs. El Quako vs. Miguel Leavy vs. One Horned Liger vs. Wrestle Ranger
Everyone is in a mask and I think this is one fall to a finish. The masses go after the huge Quako until Moono spinebusters Ranger. Liger gives Moono a Codebreaker (for a face first fall) into a Cannonball in the corner for two and it’s ranger chopping Moono out to the floor. Quako comes in for a double chokeslam but falls down himself, allowing Leavy to hit a basement dropkick.
Miguel hits a Samoan driver for two on Ranger and it’s Quako hitting running splashes in the corner. The big splash crushes everyone as Quako’s shorts have mostly fallen down. Ranger and Liger clear the ring until Liger dives onto a bunch of people at once. Ranger slips on a springboard before diving onto even more, leaving Liger to hit a Swanton for the pin on Leavy at 5:16.
Rating: D. This was the first match on the show that was neither good nor funny, which brought it way down. For the first time it felt like they were trying too hard for the gag and even the shorter length didn’t help things. The botch felt right at home, but there was too much going on here to make it work.
Post match Leavy is unmasked as….Mike Leavy. This is treated as a big surprise.
Leavy says he is here because he is in demand and his manager insists no one can handle the Strong Arm. Maybe he can start losing to bigger and bigger names! Jake Manning things he could be the Jim Duggan of the promotion. Mike: “I hope to win. Realistically I might not.”
Little Donnie is ready to challenge Big Donnie and Porkchop Cash Jr., but he doesn’t have a partner. He isn’t picky though. The Burke County Boys (Big Donnie and Porkchop) come in to say they’ll give Little Donnie another beating. Little Donnie says he’s gotten beaten up a few times before, sending Manning into a rather nice speech about how he wishes he could be Little Donnie’s partner but he has to work the camera. And now we’re done because the knots on Little Donnie’s head are making Manning uncomfortable.
Terry Houston vs. Black Angel
Houston jumps him from behind as commentary laughs about their attires. Some shots to the face have Angel in trouble so Houston very slowly walks around. A slam gives Houston two and it’s time to choke a bit. Angel slowly fights up and hammers away so Houston hits a headbutt. This goes as poorly as you would imagine and it’s Angel getting in a swinging neckbreaker for the pin at 4:01.
Rating: D. Yeah the charm is wearing off fast with this show and that’s not going to make the last two matches much easier to watch. This was the battle of the big men and thank goodness it was short. Even with the four minute run time, there was a lot of stalling, making me long for the days of the Colossal Jostle.
Now it’s Dynamite, a bald guy who seems more interested in dancing with the fans than making a save. He walks around the ring, (accidentally knocking over a young girl in the process), poses and dances some more….and then leaves, all while Little Donnie has been taking a horrible beating (as in the beating itself was done horribly). Hold on though as the music starts again and this time Dynamite comes out in his wrestling gear for the actual save. Dynamite clears the ring and we’re making this a tag match.
Burke County Boys vs. Dynamite/Little Donnie
For some reason, Little Donnie tarts despite barely being able to stand. The huge Big Donnie splashes him in the corner and Cash comes in for two off a suplex. Little Donnie fights up for a chop off (Commentary: “BIG CHOP! PORK CHOP!”) and it’s back to Big Donnie to keep him in trouble in the corner. A big splash to the back set up a rather large Rings of Saturn before Cash is back in for some fish hooking.
Little Donnie fights up with a snapmare and cranks on both arms, because he’s not that bright you see. Big Donnie comes back in for a jumping kick to the chest (rather generously called a dropkick) and we hit the chinlock. Little Donnie finally gets up, hits Big Donnie once, and walks over for the tag to Dynamite.
House is cleaned as a manager we saw earlier in the night comes out to check on the fan Dynamite ran over earlier. Big Donnie hits a splash for two on Dynamite (Marty: “What did Dynamite do to that man???”) but pops back up with a cutter for his own two on Cash. Dynamite and Big Donnie fight to the floor with Dynamite chasing the Boys off with a chair but it’s a double countout at 7:29.
Rating: D+. This actually had a story to it but the joke of them being so inept at what they’re doing wore a little thin. Having an actual story, at least one which seemed to have some legs to it, is a nice change of pace though and we haven’t seen that throughout the show so far. Bad match, but it was nice to see a different presentation.
$5 Wrestling Champion Freight Train, sounding like a bit of a country hick, says he’s ready for Deon Johnson tonight. Deon isn’t going to take him off the tracks and Train isn’t letting Johnson get away with what he has been saying. He also isn’t saying Johnson’s tag partner’s name because he isn’t on the show. Train even calls out Johnson’s sister (Deonna) to come to the ring and take a Train Wreck of her own. She can go “crying like a woman” when she sees her brother getting beaten up by the Freight Train.
Yes he has a big gut because of all the beer and fried chicken but he’s been exercising because he doesn’t back down from no man. Train has a smooth belly and knows how to cut promos real good (his words) and he’s tall like Shaquille O’Neal. It’s Choo Choo time and he’s going to do some Shaq Fu tonight. Train: “I used to play the Shaq Fu game.”
He talks about playing it on Super Nintendo AND Sega Genesis before throwing a few kicks of his own. Train apologizes for sweating like a preacher while cutting his promo, because it’s hot in here and he’s sweating while cutting a promo. He promises to “smack the Hershey chocolate” off of Deon Johnson three different times and yes it’s Choo Choo time.
That was one of the most fascinating promos I’ve ever seen and it was actually in a good way. It started off sounding like it was going to be stupid and stereotypical, but Train was so incredibly bad and just kept going that it went back around and became funny. He repeated things multiple times, had some of the longest run on sentences I’ve ever heard and rambled beyond belief, all of which combined to make the whole thing incredible. It went on for the better part of five minutes and I wound up wanting to hear more. Well done, albeit by being so bad.
$5 Wrestling Title: Freight Train vs. Deon Johnson
Johnson is challenging and has strawberry themed gear. They talk trash to start, with the much bigger Train shoving him down. More staring ensues and Deon powers him into the corner, only to get bopped (not so much punched) n the head for a trip to the floor. Back in and the trash talk continues until Deon fails at a slam attempt. Train slams him down with ease and it’s time to stall some more.
Back in and Johnson unloads in the corner, only to get knocked down with a single shot. A low blow finally slows Train down and Johnson kicks away at his knee. Johnson’s manager (billed as Ric Flair’s nephew) chokes Train in the corner, meaning that Train can do more of his form of selling, which is him making various wincing faces while standing still in the corner. Train knocks him down again and we hit the chinlock, which doesn’t touch the chin and doesn’t seem to have much locking included.
That’s good for two arm drops before Johnson fights up and actually knocks Train down. Johnson drops an elbow for two and we hit a facelock, again minus the lock. For a bonus, Johnson rubs his gum over Train’s head and then takes out his teeth to put them in Train’s eye. Hold on though as Johnson gets in a shouting match with Dynamite in the front row. Train hits a running splash in the corner and CHOO CHOO sets up a running forearm (which looked like it was out of a wrestling scene in a sitcom) to retain the title at 9:22.
Rating: C-. Much like Train’s promo, this is firmly in the “so bad it’s funny” category, which works out well for the entire show. Train is one of the more interesting people to watch on the whole show, even though he might be the worst performer around. He’s literally just a big guy who jogs people over and that’s all he needs to be. It’s terrible, but it’s a funny kind of terrible and that’s ok.
Post match Train’s manager and Dynamite come in to celebrate.
Commentary talks about how Dynamite, who was retired, is creeping back in and seems ready to steal the show again. They recap the event and no one is happy with Jeff Hart being back. Cabana talks about how we need a fake Jake Roberts and a fake Diamond Dallas Page. If you’ve never wrestled before, come on down and we’ll put you on the roster! Commentary signs off, but not before mocking fans who have downloaded or torrented the show. Cabana: “It’s five dollars!” More quick jokes about how awesome this show is wrap us up.
Probably the most important thing though is this show lasts an hour and a half. They don’t overstay their welcome, which means the world on a comedy show. It isn’t quality and it isn’t something I want to watch regularly, but for the price (and I got it on sale) and some of Marty and Colt’s jokes, watching a random show from these guys is not the worst idea.
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