Pro Wrestling Guerrilla – The Secret Of The Ooze: There’s No Living Up To That Hype

The Secret Of The Ooze
Date: August 14, 2004
Location: Hollywood Los Feliz JCC
Attendance: 160
Commentators: Excalibur, Disco Machine

It’s back to PWG and I don’t think you can ask for a cooler title than that. As usual I have no idea what to expect from this show, but this is just over a year into the company’s history. That could be hit or miss, though this is far before the days when PWG became such an indy darling. Let’s get to it.

We open with PWG World Champion Frankie Kazarian in the ring, bragging about beating Adam Pearce in a Loser Leaves PWG match. Pearce didn’t know his credentials, just like the other stupid fans (he used a different word and it started with an R) here. We hear about his title wins across different promotions but Kazarian stops to yell at a fan in the front row. As for tonight, he’s facing Colt Cabana, so we pause for a COLT COLT COLT chant. Kazarian is the future, and the future looks good.

Cue Cabana and he has a list of his own. He is a six time marshmallow eating champion, a three time Illinois state Hungry Hungry Hippos champion, and he can chug Tang faster than anyone around here. He’s also a former US, Intercontinental, ECW Mid-Atlantic Coast Champion and a three time 1-2-3 WWF Heavyweight Champion. Cabana tries to go into something about the present being today but gets a bit lost, only to say he’ll be champion. Simple hype for the main event here and it went well enough, with Kazarian sounding like a rather good smarmy heel.

Tag Team Gauntlet Match

Supa Badd and Human Tornado are in at #1 and Top Gun Talwar/Charles Mercury are in at #2 with Talwar grabbing a quickly broken headlock on Tornado. A dropkick staggers Tornado and everything breaks down with the fight heading out to the floor. Talwar gets a basketball bounced off his head, followed by a dunk and a hurricanrana from Tornado.

Back in and Badd atomic drops Talwar before Mercury is tossed outside again. Badd clotheslines Talwar and does pushups during the near fall for a bonus. As commentary says tags are encouraged rather than required, Mercury gets a Texas Cloverleaf on Badd and Talwar rolls Tornado up in the corner for the pin and elimination at 3:27.

Excalibur and Disco Machine are in at #3, with Excalibur (on commentary) credits Talwar’s drug use for losing a test of strength. With everyone else on the floor, Talwar goes up top and hits a huge flip dive to take everyone out. Mercury hits his own flip dive onto all three of them, followed by a legdrop for two on Excalibur back inside. Talwar’s clothesline gets the same and Mercury….really can’t quite manage to slam Talwar onto Excalibur.

Commentary blasts how bad things went as Talwar lands on Excalibur, who is right back up with a clothesline for a breather. It’s off to Disco as commentary makes fun of Chris Bosh and Rick Knox. An atomic drop hits Talwar and Mercury’s elbow drop for a save hits his partner by mistake. Everything breaks down and Excalibur Tombstones Talwar on the floor. That leaves Disco to chokebreaker Mercury for the elimination at 9:17 total.

Los Rojos Locos (a masked team) come in and deck Excalibur on the floor (Excalibur on commentary: “You can never trust a Mexican.”). That leaves Mercury to get beaten down inside, including #1 grabbing a Liontamer as we hear about Excalibur’s racist college entrance essay. A backbreaker gives #2 two on Mercury before #1 drops a middle rope elbow.

Mercury fights his way out of trouble and hits a double basement dropkick. Excalibur comes in to clean house as everything breaks down. #2 grabs Excalibur from the apron (Excalibur: “Patented dirty Mexican cheating.” HOW DOES HE HAVE A JOB???) but a charge misses. Excalibur and #1 wind up on their opponents’ respective shoulders and it’s time to play chicken.

With Disco down, Excalibur is dropped into an X Factor for little impact. Instead #1 is tied in the ropes, with #2 making a fast save. Disco gets caught in a Crossface/Boston crab combination with Excalibur making the save this time. Not that it matters as a half crab makes Disco tap at 16:25 total to give Los Rojos Locos the win.

Rating: C+. Well it was a gauntlet match and it went through three falls. That’s about all there is to say here, as the action was nothing great and Excalibur’s commentary was as worthless as usual. It opened the show well enough, but I can barely remember the other teams involved a few minutes after the match ended, which should tell you a lot about how well this went.

Here is Joey Ryan (reigning Tag Team Champion) to say Chris Bosh isn’t here so get him an opponent out here.

Joey Ryan vs. Quicksilver

Feeling out process to start with Quicksilver armdragging him down by the bad arm. Ryan is right back up with a dropkick into an armdrag into an armbar of his own. It’s so strange to see Ryan as a clean cut face but it’s quite the staple of early PWG. As commentary talks about Ryan enjoying the company of voluptuous young women, Quicksilver takes him down for a moonsault onto the arm.

The cranking continues as we hear about Ryan’s hand signals to an attendant to help him pick up women. The bad arm is sent into buckle but Ryan reverses out and sends him into the buckle as well. They head to the floor with Ryan hitting a big dive to take Quicksilver down again. Various jokes are made on commentary but they’re cut off by a phone call, leaving Excalibur to do solo commentary. Back up and they crash out to the floor again, followed by another arm crank from Quicksilver back inside.

We’ll make that a Fujiwara armbar until Ryan spinebusters his way to freedom. They’re both down so commentary talks about trail mix. Ryan is back up with a Tombstone shoulder breaker and we hit the Rings of Saturn on Quicksilver. That’s broken up as well so Ryan grabs a powerbomb for a rather delayed two. A piledriver doesn’t work though and Quicksilver hits him in the arm, setting up a rollup. That’s fine with Ryan, who reverses into one of his own for the pin at 13:14.

Rating: B-. As usual, your best move here is to ignore commentary and focus on what was an otherwise nice match. Quicksilver is someone who has been around for a lot of these PWG shows and tends to work well enough. Ryan can wrestle a good match as well, though he doesn’t exactly stand out nearly as much as he would with the sleazy stuff.

Post match Commissioner Paul T comes in to say Ryan and Scott Lost have not defended the Tag Team Titles in two months. Therefore, the titles will be held up and Ryan will face Lost. The winner gets the titles and can pick a new partner of his choosing.

Apollo Khan/Brandon Thomaselli vs. First Family

The Family would be Babi Slymm/Brad Bradley. Thomaselli kicks away at the rather large Bradley’s leg to start as commentary points out that Thomaselli has no connection to anyone in this match. A big chop rocks Thomaselli again and a running shoulder puts him down. Slymm and Khan come in, shake hands, and circle each other a bit. Slymm powers him down to start but Khan is right back with a hammerlock.

As commentary talks about whether or not they’re racist, Slymm grinds away on a headlock. Some dropkicks get Khan out of trouble and it’s back to Bradley, who runs into raised boots in the corner. Thomaselli’s high crossbody completely misses and Bradley grabs a heck of a German suplex. Slymm comes back in for a dancing elbow drop but Thomaselli slugs away on Bradley. A sunset flip doesn’t work as Bradley sits on Thomaselli’s chest, setting up an airplane spin of all things.

Slymm grabs the chinlock but Thomaselli is back up with a dropkick to the knee. Khan comes in and gets to clean house, leaving Thomaselli to hit an Asai moonsault on Bradley. Back up and Bradley is fine enough to low bridge Khan to the floor as the villains take over again. A belly to back neckbreaker drops Khan and a running knee in the corner gets two. Khan suplexes his way to freedom (with Excalibur crediting Khan’s people’s “strong legs and thighs”) and the tag brings in Thomaselli as everything breaks down. Thomaselli’s top rope hurricanrana is countered and a lariat finishes for Bradley at 14:21.

Rating: B-. Perfectly watchable match here but it doesn’t help when commentary is saying that there is no connection between some of the wrestlers. It was a cold match that worked well enough, but they weren’t really hiding the fact that that this was a thrown together match. Bradley looked good for a big man but the rest of the match was just kind of there, though it could have been a lot worse.

Puma vs. Josh Prohibition

They fight over a lockup as Excalibur actually gives us a backstory, talking about how this was originally supposed to be Prohibition vs. Super Dragon last month but things were changed because of a Japan tour (Excalibur: “When Japan calls, you must listen.”). It’s better than nothing. Puma works on a wristlock but Prohibition pulls him into a hammerlock.

The arm cranking continues until Puma reverses into a suplex for two. Excalibur talks about possibly recording the audio in the PWG locker room as Prohibition fights up and elbows him in the face for two. Commentary goes into his rapid fire calling of the match as Prohibition missile dropkicks Puma and puts on another armbar.

With the wrestling out of the way, Excalibur goes into a long story about Prohibition moving to Salt Lake City. Puma is back up with a Tombstone but a tornado DDT is countered into a double underhook arm crank. The Falcon Arrow and a brainbuster get two each on Puma but he German suplexes his way to freedom. A half crab makes Prohibition tap at 9:12.

Rating: B-. Good match here, as Prohibition is someone I’ve heard a lot about over the years but haven’t seen much of in the ring. Granted he didn’t exactly stand out, but I’ve seen far worse. At the same time, Puma is someone who was making appearances for Impact Wrestling around this time and was getting a bit of a name for himself before just dropping out of sight. Anyway, nice match, and it even included a reason for taking place.

PWG World Title: Frankie Kazarian vs. Colt Cabana

Kazarian is defending and doesn’t take kindly to some fans chanting various insults at him. They go with the technical off to start and grapple away on the mat until it’s a standoff. Cabana takes him down and Kazarian is already going for a break in the ropes. The fight goes outside with commentary ignoring everything to talk about Cabana, apparently much like Hollywood, being Jewish.

Back in and Cabana works on an armbar but Kazarian is right out with an elbow to take over. Kazarian sweeps the leg and hits a slingshot legdrop as we hear about Kazarian dropping water bombs on wildfires. Cabana fights up but plays some possum, allowing him to get two off a small package. Back up and Cabana tries the Wave Of The Future (Kazarian’s spinning Downward Spiral) but Kazarian breaks it up without much effort.

Cabana scores with a flying forearm (Tito Santana references abound) and Kazarian is sent outside. A dropkick through the ropes hits Kazarian but Cabana chops the post by mistake. Back in and Kazarian hits a Blockbuster for two but Cabana fights up again. That doesn’t last long this time though as Kazarian grabs the Wave Of The Future to retain at 13:10.

Rating: B. Commentary was ruining this (tends to be a tradition around here) but I’m digging Kazarian as this rather cocky heel. He’s feeling like someone who is ready to be a breakout star on the bigger stage and that’s kind of what he wound up doing. Cabana was being himself, but thankfully it was the more serious version, which did come out often enough in these bigger matches.

Post match the First Family comes in to stomp on Cabana and Cabana’s manager C. Edward Van Der Pyle mocks him, apparently siding with Kazarian. The bragging goes on for a long time until Cabana clears the ring with a chair.

CM Punk vs. Donovan Morgan

Before the match Morgan talks about something but Excalibur would rather talk about Steven Richards making Sunday Night Heat into Stevie Night Heat. Punk bails to the floor as Morgan keeps talking, only to be drowned out by Excalibur going on about someone’s sexual appetite. The referee brings a woman into the ring and Morgan kisses her, earning a tossed shoe.

With the woman gone, Morgan talks to Punk as Excalibur is STILL GOING ON about Richards. Excalibur says that Punk’s response is just meandering so we’ll talk about going to Whole Foods instead. The bell finally rings and they go into the corner, where Punk gets forearmed in the face. Punk: “That’s great, f*** you!” Morgan gets taken to the mat and keeps trying to sit out even after Punk has let him go. As interesting as that might be, Excalibur keeps talking about Richards instead. We pause for a bit as Morgan goes to the floor, only to come back in and get caught with a backbreaker. Punk starts in on the arm but Morgan snaps off a high collar suplex for a breather.

A figure four neck lock goes on for a bit, though it might be better if his legs were anywhere near Punk’s throat. Punk fights up and hits a DDT for a breather as they’re both down. Back up and they forearm it out until Punk grabs a crossface. That’s broken up just as fast and Morgan gets up for a middle rope DDT. A fisherman’s neckbreaker gets two on Punk but he’s right back with a backslide for the pin at 10:05.

Rating: B-. They were having a good match but commentary absolutely ruined almost everything they had going here. This was a great example of commentary putting every bit of the focus on themselves and while I get that’s kind of Excalibur’s thing, it doesn’t do any good for fans trying to watch the match. Incredibly annoying commentary aside, the match itself worked and I’ll take old school Punk more often than not.

Samoa Joe vs. Super Dragon

Hold on though as Dragon doesn’t like some late streamer throwing and goes outside to yell at the fans. Joe wrestles him down to start as we hear about Joe’s Ring Of Honor World Title reign. Back up and they strike it out with Joe firing off knees to the face. The big kick misses though and Dragon is out on the floor again. Back in and Dragon gets in a head fake, setting up a spinning kick to the head.

Joe isn’t having that and knocks him outside again, setting up the huge suicide elbow. Dragon is whipped into the chairs and Joe just unloads on him back inside. The kick to the chest sets up the knee drop for two as Dragon is in trouble. Some slaps to the mask have the fans booing Joe but Dragon comes out of the corner with a running enziguri. The sets up a corkscrew dive off the top to the floor, with Dragon’s boots hitting Joe and the rest of him hitting the floor/apron hard.

Back in and a tornado DDT gives Dragon another breather, leaving them both down. Joe is back up for the strikes in the corner and plants Dragon down hard. The powerbomb into the STF into the crossface has Dragon in more trouble, at least until a rope is grabbed. Joe sends him shoulder first into the post for the crash out to the floor, meaning it’s time to go after the arm back inside.

Dragon actually manages to hit a discus forearm to drop Joe but his arm is too banged up for a slingshot. The top rope spinwheel kick is knocked out of the air to give Joe two but the Island Driver is blocked. The Psycho Driver is countered as well so Dragon settles for a belly to back suplex instead.

Dragon hits a top rope knee to the head (ouch) for two, followed by a hard clothesline for the same. Joe snaps off the powerslam for two more and grabs a cross armbreaker. That doesn’t last either and it’s Dragon coming up with the chops in the corner. Joe backdrops him out to the floor, which is finally enough for the countout at 21:50.

Rating: B+. The more I think about it, the more I like that ending, as it wasn’t so much Joe winning as much as Dragon just couldn’t go any longer. It made both of them look like monsters and that is what they seemed to be trying to do here. Joe was on absolute fire at this point and could do no wrong, which probably explains the result. Heck of a match here and by far the best thing on the show.

Post match Excalibur and Disco Machine run out to check on Dragon to end the show.

We’ll also throw in the extras.

Los Rojos Locos do some rather high school level Spanish about how great and handsome they are. After speaking English to ask what the next word in Spanish is supposed to be, they ask why the Ballard Brothers aren’t being brought back (I bet you can get the joke).

Babi Slymm is ready to take over PWG with the help of his friends.

Colt Cabana is ready to go over the edge, though he does have to ask the director for his lines. For now, he’s off to England to craft his hone (that’s what he said). Now rewind the DVD and watch him over and over. With popcorn, Pop Tarts and smores!

Frankie Kazarian is ready to beat anyone ever from Chicago. Even Mike Ditka! He doesn’t care if Samoa Joe or Super Dragon is next.

The First Family brags about its high level of awesome. They’re great and the fans want them as their screensavers. Now they’re out because Van Der Pyle doesn’t feel like talking anymore.

Samoa Joe says the fans got what they asked for and he is the one who walked out. Now he wants the World Title.

Overall Rating: B. This show kept getting better as it went, but there were some things holding it back. By that I mean the commentary, which was an absolute nightmare all night long. Old PWG includes Excalibur ignoring the matches or long stretches of time and firing off all kinds of racist, sexist and homophobic jokes. It gets really tiring really fast and made me want to pull my headphones out so I could actually pay attention to the matches. Other than that, it’s another rather strong show, even if it was never going to live up to the name.

 

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