Today’s name is one that you’ve probably seen in various promotions from around the world: Konnan.

Despite being born in Cuba, Konnan is most closely associated with Mexico, including representing the country in the Pat O’Connor Memorial Tag Team Tournament at Starrcade 1990.

Pat O’Connor Memorial Tag Team Tournament Quarter-Finals: Chris Adams/Norman Smiley vs. Konnan/Rey Mysterio

 

Adams and Smiley are British and the #5 seed while Konnan and Mysterio are from Mexico and the #4 seed. There’s a lot to talk about here. First of all, Adams is most famous as a trainer, having taught Steve Austin to wrestle, as well as popularizing the superkick as a finishing move in North America. Smiley would be much more famous as a comedy character later on in WCW. Konnan was nothing of note at this point but soon would become the biggest star in Mexico. Mysterio isn’t the famous version but rather the original here and the uncle of the more famous one.

 

Mysterio and Smiley start things off but Konnan comes in as well, only to get caught in a double armdrag. Adams comes in as well and things get very fast paced in a hurry with the Mexican team being dropkicked out to the floor. Mysterio comes back in to pop Adams in the face with a right hand, only to be superkicked HARD out to the floor. Rey tries to remember what planet he’s on so he brings in Konnan instead. Konnan climbs the top rope with a wristlock on Smiley to send him flying, only to get caught in a rolling cradle for two.

 

This is going too fast to be able to keep up with. Konnan gets caught in the British corner and jumped by Adams who puts on a chinlock. Mysterio comes in sans tag for an attempted double team but Smiley dropkicks both of them down. A superkick sends Konnan into a German suplex by Smiley but it’s Mysterio making the save again.

 

Adams comes back in to crank on Konnan’s arm some more before clotheslining him down for no cover. Back to Smiley but Mysterio comes in again without a tag to elbow Chris down. Konnan takes Adams into the corner and sits him on the top rope facing the crowd before hitting a kind of reverse suplex down for the pin to advance.

 

Rating: B-. This was a very fast paced and exciting match with all four guys moving faster than anyone else would have at this point. Konnan would go on to become a huge star in Mexico while Mysterio’s nephew would become one of the biggest stars in the world. Good match here though which would have had the crowds going nuts six years later or so.

Konnan would become the most popular wrestler in Mexico, leading to a match on American pay per view on a AAA show called When Worlds Collide. Konnan was in the main event, a cage match against veteran Perro Aguayo.

Perro Aguayo vs. Konnan

 

Aguayo is an old guy (49) who was betrayed by the young guy. Aquayo took Konnan’s mask while Konnan took Aguayo’s hair. This is the rubber match and it’s inside a cage, escape only to win. Konnan was the most popular guy in Mexico but turned heel in a huge deal and drew huge money. The previous two matches were three years ago it seems and then they were a tag team. Konnan turned heel and here we are.

 

Konnan, a pure power guy, throws Aguayo around to start. Perro fires off some kicks to get going and pounds away in the corner. He goes up but comes crashing back down via an electric chair drop. Konnan takes over with a pair of hot shots into the cage. The fans are totally behind Aguayo who is busted. Perro takes over again and keeps going for covers for no apparent reason.

 

They fight up to the corner and slug it out with Aguayo sending him down. We hear about the three way feud with Perro, Konnan and Cien Caras which kickstarted the AAA promotion. Aguayo takes over but is pouring blood. He really likes that double stomp move. Konnan fires off a low blow and takes over. We get an inset shot of Eddie (mostly bald) and Spicolli watching this on a monitor. Perro is in control so here they come.

 

Aguayo hits about the third double stomp of the match so far. Now he’s climbing but Konnan makes a stop. Here are Eddie and Louis with a cup of something that they throw in the face of Aguayo. They throw Konnan some brass knuckles and Konnan hits the PowerDrop (Razor’s Edge into a sitout powerbomb) to kill Perro dead. The knuckles are thrown out but it’s not like keeping them secret means anything.

 

Konnan kicks him down again but Perro fires off some right hands to take over for about 3 seconds. Here are the knuckles again and Guerrero is trying to get in. Konnan hits a low blow and throws the knuckles out again. Konnan goes up and here are Los Dynamite Brothers (Cien Caras and his brothers) for the save. They chase off Eddie and Spicolli and Caras knock Konnan down off the top of the cage. The 5^th double stomp is enough for Perro to escape and win the match.

 

Rating: B-. Fun enough cage match here to close things out. The run-ins at the end make sense and Perro winning when we got things down to one on one was a nice touch. You can’t really fault the ending for being Aguayo standing up to win everything and stop the young guy, especially since he’s the big legend face. This was fine.

A few years later, Konnan would go on to WCW where he would become US Champion. Here’s a title defense from SuperBrawl 6 in 1996 against the man that Konnan took the title from: One Man Gang.

US Title: Konnan vs. One Man Gang

So like I mentioned in the Starrcade review, Gang won the title and Konnan took it from him. Here’s your rematch. Konnan actually cared at this point and it was very apparent. He’s moving all over the place at this point and doing all kinds of weird and big spots that are working really well. To be fair though, I could give Gang a run for his money I think.

Konnan runs around and beats up Gang for about two minutes, as in the first two minutes of the match, but Gang gets one shot in and Dusty proclaims that Konnan has barely been on offense. That’s just amusing. A side slam is called a side salto. Apparently Gang has been called one of the best men in the business for years. What kind of undiscovered years are those Tony? Konnan is selling well too here which is helping a lot also.

Let’s show the WCW NASCAR driver for like 30 seconds. Not like we can have anything of note going on in the ring at the moment. There was a WCW Motorsports? Since when? Gang hits his splash and pulls him up. That should more or less seal this one. Gang goes to the middle rope (called the very top by Tony) and misses to ZERO, I mean ZERO reaction. Konnan goes up and hits a front flip onto Gang for the pin. Wow this was bad.

Rating: D-. Again, One Man Gang as a title contender? What in the world were they thinking??? This was again just bad and the crowd was deader than Konnan’s career. Terrible match.

Eventually Konnan would join the Wolfpack and feud with the NWO Black and White, such as in this tag match from the July 16, 1998 episode of Thunder.

Diamond Dallas Page/Konnan vs. Curt Hennig/Scott Hall

Hennig starts with Konnan but it’s off to Page before any contact. They lock up and fight to the floor where Hennig slaps him in the back of the head. Back in and Page grabs a swinging neckbreaker. A second attempt sends Hennig running to the floor and it’s off to Hall vs. Konnan. Hall grabs the arm for the driving shoulders before slapping Konnan in the back of the head. That must be an AWA move.

Konnan fights up and shoves Hall down to slow the pace. Back up and Konnan grabs a quick X Factor before Hall gets punched back and forth like a pinball. Page comes in but can’t hit the Diamond Cutter but clotheslines Hall down to set up a Konnan chinlock. They get up again and Hall can’t catch a cross body. Instead he lifts Konnan up for a fallaway slam to take over. Off to Hennig for a knee lift before he suckers Page in.

Hall breaks up a hot tag attempt with an elbow to the back and puts on a reverse chinlock. Scott lets go of the hold and lets Konnan up before a double clothesline puts both guys down. Now it’s the hot tag to Page who punches both Hall and Hennig from corner to corner. Hall gets in a cheap shot though and Hennig drops Page with a right hand for two. A great dropkick and right hand both get the same and we take a break.

Back with Page pounding on Hennig in the corner before Hall sneaks in behind him for the fall away slam. Off to the abdominal stretch on Page’s bad ribs before it’s back to Hennig for more stomping. Hall comes back in for a clothesline and sleeper but Page counters into one of his own. Scott suplexes his way to freedom and both guys are down again. The double tag brings in Konnan vs. Hennig as everything breaks down. Rude gets in a cheap shot on Konnan and it’s a PerfectPlex for the pin as Page Diamond Cuts Hall on the floor.

Rating: C+. The match was fine but it was at the end of a very long show. They did the formula stuff here and that’s a good idea for old school guys like Hall and Hennig. It doesn’t really advance anything but it’s nice to see the factions at war actually in a match for a change. Decent enough stuff.

After the decline of WCW, Konnan would tour with some indy companies for awhile before joining up with TNA. He would be part of the rap group known as 3 Live Kru with Ron Killings (R-Truth) and BG James, the latter of whom would team with Konnan for a world tag team title shot at Victory Road 2004.

Tag Titles: 3 Live Kru vs. Team Canada

Team Canada here is Bobby (Robert) Roode and Eric Young while 3LK is Konnan and Road Dogg. They use the Freebird rule to fight and will use it if they win the belts here, along with Ron Killings. Anyway, this is the finale of a long feud between them which of course didn’t end here. We start with Roadie and Roode. For the life of me I do not get the hype on this guy. He’s ok and that’s it.

People to this day think he could be a main event guy. Why? Tell me one thing that he could do that would validate him as a main event guy. And I don’t mean a line like just watch him or how can’t you see it. Pretend I’m stupid and tell me what it is that this guy has that makes him a big star. Konnan is in now with Young and these two just amuse me to no end.

We have a guy that no one cares about that tries desperately to play up the gimmick of being from another country which makes him interesting when he’s just bland as heck otherwise and no one cares about him, and then we have Eric Young. We hit the formula portion of our event with the heels working over Roadie to build up Konnan for the hot tag.

Does anyone else see this sucking harder than a Diva wanting to get a job? I miss Scott D’Amore. The guy was a fat joke but he was a decent talker and heel manager. Nothing great here but it’s kind of like the first Mania where the tag titles changed: it allows you to have a title change so the show is memorable and has some impact to steal a pun from myself.

Konnan finally gets the tag after a heel miscommunication (remember folks: TNA is breaking NEW ground!) spot and cleans house. It of course turns into a brawl with Roadie being fine after having his ass handed to him for about 4 minutes. D’Amore tries to use the hockey stick but Killings comes in for the save and a BAD looking X-Factor gives the Kru the titles.

Rating: C. It was average, plain and simple. This match could have been on any TV or house show or PPV and it would have been fine. At seven minutes long they didn’t have much time to get anything substantial going but still, this wasn’t much but it was fine for what it was I suppose.

Konnan would eventually become the manager for the team known as LAX before leaving TNA in 2007 over a benefits dispute. He would return to Mexico with AAA where he has been ever since.

Overall Konnan is a guy with talent but he was always a far bigger star in Mexico than he was in America. On a more personal note, he also used to be paid to post on the WrestleZone Forums (along with Kevin Kelly and Disco Inferno) and revealed himself to be, shall we say, not the nicest person in the world. I spoke to him a few times and while he would answer questions about his career, he didn’t seem that interested in much else. Still though, he brought a different style to American wrestling which was a nice change of pace that was part of an evolution of the business in the mid nineties.

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This is very awesome.

However, before people tell me how much proof it is that Bryan is as over as ever, hold that thought because I need to take my girlfriend out Fandangoing. You know, because that’s still a thing.

Royal Rumble 1995
Date: January 22, 1995
Location: USF Sun Dome, Tampa, Florida
Attendance: 10,000
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler

Oh dang it 1995 WWF still exists. This is that year that no one likes to talk about and you have to fly through it as fast as you can or you might risk seeing something on it. The big twist this year is that the intervals in the Rumble are only 60 seconds, so the whole match is like 40 minutes long. The other problem is that Diesel is WWF Champion here. The good news is that he’s facing Bret Hart, one of the two men capable of dragging an awesome match out of him. Let’s get to it.

We open with the big deal about tonight’s show: Pamela Anderson arrives. She’ll be escorting the winner of the Rumble to the ring at Wrestlemania. A bunch of guys arrive to greet her.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

Jarrett is challenging and now has the Roadie with him. Razor starts with his usual assortment of punches and a fallaway slam to send Jeff to the floor. After a little toweling off on the floor, Jeff armdrags Razor down and struts. They trade arm holds until Razor gets taken to the mat where Jeff messes with his hair. Careful with the grease there Jeff. Razor gets annoyed and knocks Jeff to the floor for some more Memphis stalling.

Jeff gets back in and is immediately puts in an armbar where Razor can mess with Jarrett’s hair. Some dropkicks floor the champ and a clothesline gets two. Razor catches a boot coming and ducks the enziguri from Jeff, but Razor misses an elbow to keep Jarrett in control. We hit the chinlock followed by a sunset flip by Jeff for two. Another dropkick gets the same and Jarrett is getting frustrated.

Jarrett hooks a sleeper but Razor quickly counters. The counter doesn’t last long though as Jeff hits a swinging neckbreaker for two. Ramon slides behind Jeff in the corner and crotches him on the post to a big pop. We get a messed up (not botched mind you) spot where Razor was going to try a bulldog off the middle rope but Jeff turns around and it had to be a clothesline. Eh no harm no foul. Jeff backdrops Razor to the floor, injuring the champ’s knee. Roadie clips him in the knee and Razor gets counted out.

We won’t get to the rating just yet. Post match Jeff calls Razor a coward for taking the easy way out like that and calls him back into the ring. Razor pulls a Marty McFly and takes the bait, giving us another match.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

Razor tries some quick rollups for two but Jeff goes right for the knee to take over. Jeff does his best Ric Flair imitation but as he goes for the third cannonball down onto the leg, Razor kicks him over the top and out to the floor. Back in and Jarrett puts on the Figure Four, putting Razor in a lot of trouble. Razor escapes and starts his comeback with punches and the belly to back superplex but Jeff counters in mid air for two. Razor clotheslines him down and loads up the Edge, but the knee gives out and Jeff rolls him up for the pin and the title.

Rating: C+. I always remember liking this match and it holds up pretty well. Memphis stalling isn’t for everyone but it’s a good way of drawing heel heat, which Jeff might as well have been an iceberg for otherwise. Razor was awesome at this point and had good chemistry with Jeff, so this worked pretty well all around. The ending was smart as it was Razor’s trademark ending for house shows, but he would usually win in about 30 seconds with the Razor’s Edge. Nice to see them switch things up here.

Pamela Anderson has been given a lot of gifts from various wrestlers. One of the running gags on this show is that Pamela clearly doesn’t want to be here at all and has these “GET ME OUT OF HERE” looks on her face the whole night. Todd Pettingill tries to hit on her and completely fails of course.

Jeff says it’s time to celebrate.

IRS vs. The Undertaker

This is the start of the Undertaker vs. Million Dollar Team feud which went on FOREVER. The bell rings and we stand around a lot. IRS tries to jump Taker from behind and it goes nowhere. Taker glares him down to the floor and the stalling continues. IRS slides in, gets glared down, and hides on the floor again. Finally we head back in with IRS pounding away and getting kicked in the face for his efforts.

Taker grabs him by the tie and swings him out of the corner, followed by Old School as this is dominance so far. IRS and DiBiase get in an argument on the floor, causing DiBiase to call for some druids. Taker loads up Old School again but the druid shakes the rope and Taker goes down. A clothesline puts Taker on the floor where he beats on the druids a bit before IRS jumps him from behind.

The druids send Taker into the steps and there’s an abdominal stretch by IRS. That goes nowhere so Taker misses an elbow to really slow himself down. IRS hits some basic stuff as the crowd is almost completely silent. Druid interference gets two for IRS and also allows him to escape the Tombstone. A clothesline puts Taker down but he pops up and hits a chokeslam for the pin.

Rating: D. At the end of the day, this was about thirteen minutes of Taker beating up IRS. I mean….did ANYONE buy IRS as a threat to the Dead Man here? That was the problem with the eight month long feud between Taker and DiBiase’s group: no one on the team was a real threat to him at all. Bad match here but that had to be expected.

Post match Taker beats up the druids and has a staredown with King Kong Bundy. During the staring, IRS steals the Urn. There’s the launch of the feud and Bundy beats up Taker for awhile.

Diesel doesn’t have much to say about his match with Bret.

Bret is ready for his chance at the title.

WWF World Title: Diesel vs. Bret Hart

Diesel is defending in case you’re really slow. Bret tries to brawl to start but is almost immediately knocked down by a big shot to the face. A clothesline puts Bret on the floor where he chills for a bit. Back in and Bret goes after the knee like a smart Hitman. He puts on a quick Figure Four and after a good deal of time in it, Diesel gets to the rope. Bret does something you hardly ever see enough: he puts the same hold back on. Why don’t more people do that? He had Diesel in trouble, so why mess with what was working?

Diesel makes the rope again and heads to the floor where Bret hits a suicide dive to have the champ reeling. Diesel shrugs it off and sends Hart into the steps to get a breather. With Bret in the ropes, Diesel hits the running crotch attack to his back. There’s a backbreaker to Bret and Diesel bends him across the knee a bit. Bret fires off some right hands but gets whipped hard into the buckle to stop him cold.

The champ loads up the Jackknife but instead puts Bret on his shoulder for a backbreaker. Why he doesn’t JACKKNIFE HIM WHEN HE HAS THE CHANCE is beyond my intelligence as Bret escapes. A big boot (Diesel’s leg seems fine) puts Bret down for two, but Bret gets a boot up of his own, followed by a middle rope clothesline for two. Hart goes up and Diesel tries to slam him off, but the knee goes out, giving Bret a two count.

The kickout sends Bret to the floor and he pulls Diesel’s legs out for the figure four around the post. Actually scratch that as he ties Diesel’s legs together instead and pounds away. The Five Moves of Doom get two but Diesel grabs a rope to block the Sharpshooter. Bret clotheslines him to the floor but a dive is caught in mid-air. The tall guy rams him into the post and hits the Jackknife in the ring, but Shawn Michaels runs in to break up the count.

Shawn beats on Diesel’s leg which isn’t a DQ for no apparent reason. Shawn and Diesel had split up at Survivor Series if you’re wondering why this beating is happening. We get a ruling that the match must continue to the delight (yes I said delight) of the crowd. Bret goes back to the knee, hooking another Figure Four. Diesel can’t get to the ropes so he hits Bret in the bad ribs to escape. Ah selling, how I love you.

Diesel is all ticked off now and pounds away on Bret in the corner. A gutwrench suplex of all things gets two for the champ but a big boot in the corner misses. Bret wraps Diesel’s leg around the post and blasts it with a chair. There’s the Sharpshooter but now it’s Owen coming in for the save and a beatdown on Bret. I would say there’s a great tag match in there, but Bret and Shawn teaming up would mean the end of the world as we know it.

The match is going to continue AGAIN though and Diesel gets two on Bret. The place is starting to lose its minds over these near falls. Bret sends him into the buckle that Owen exposed and pounds away as Diesel is rocking again. Diesel comes back AGAIN with elbows and forearms to the face before punching Bret into the ropes where Hart’s legs are caught. Bret is holding his knee but you never know with him.

Yep, he stands up and lays back down in some classic Hart goldbricking. Diesel goes for the Jackknife but Bret fakes him into a small package for two. Bret tries an O’Connor Roll and the referee is bumped. Backlund, Michaels, Roadie and Jarrett run in and that’s FINALLY enough for the double DQ.

Rating: A. These two had MAD chemistry together and this was no exception. They knew how to work the David vs. Goliath (I’m not sure how fair it is to call Bret David actually) formula to perfection and the matches were great as a result. Why the company kept going with Diesel vs. power guys is beyond me, because his best stuff comes against small guys like Bret and Shawn and always has.

Backlund stays in the ring and puts the Crossface Chicken Wing on Bret. This set up their I Quit match at Mania which even Bret admits sucked. Diesel makes the save and hugs Bret.

More Pettingill and Anderson stuff.

Bob Holly and 1-2-3 Kid are excited to be in the finals of the tag team title tournament.

Tag Titles: Bob Holly/1-2-3 Kid vs. Bam Bam Bigelow/Tatanka

Shawn and Diesel split up and we needed champions. Holly and Tatanka start things off with Tatanka hitting a side slam for two. Holly comes back with a slam and a few dropkicks as this is going nowhere so far. Off to the Kid vs. Bigelow, with the big man running over both of the smaller guys with ease. Bigelow LAUNCHES Kid into the air but gets caught in a rana to send Bam Bam rolling.

Back to Tatanka who whips Kid into the buckles a few times before it’s off to Bigelow to pound on the small guy some more. In something that actually impressed me, Kid backdrops Bigelow to the floor. Both small guys try top rope cross bodies but they escape and dropkick the heels together. Things settle down with Tatanka beating on Holly for a LONG time. Bigelow comes in, allowing Tatanka to distract the Kid. Holly goes to the corner to find no partner and Bigelow splashes Bob.

Holly gets beaten down so badly that he goes to the wrong corner and tags in Tatanka. Thank goodness this isn’t the Attitude Era because it probably would have been legal in some of their matches. Tatanka comes in for more beating on Holly until Bob FINALLY gets in a clothesline for the hot tag to the Kid. Everything breaks down and Kid is LAUNCHED to the floor by Bigelow. Bam Bam loads up the moonsault but Tatanka accidentally hits the ropes to knock him to the mat. Somehow that’s enough for the pin and the titles for the Kid.

Rating: C+. This went nearly sixteen minutes which was just too long. It’s quite good but it would have been great if they cut off five minutes or so. Those launches by Bigelow were awesome looking as Kid continues to be an excellent seller of moves like those. The idea was that it was all Bigelow’s fault, even though Tatanka is totally to blame for Bigelow crashing like that. The Gunns would win the titles back the next night on Raw, making this whole thing pretty pointless.

Post match DiBiase and Tatanka leave Bigelow in the ring, where Lawrence Taylor, NFL legend, laughs at him. Bigelow shoves him down, and there’s Wrestlemania people.

We get a recap of the 94 Rumble, focusing on Diesel’s dominance and Shawn helping to eliminate him.

Shawn laughs a bit.

We look at the ending to the match from last year.

Luger says he wants the title. Lex, it’s been over for you for like eight months now. Let it go dude.

Vince apologizes to Lawrence Taylor.

Here’s Pamela Anderson to watch the Rumble at ringside and MAN does she look miserable.

Royal Rumble

Shawn is #1 and Bulldog is #2. Shawn immediately jumps Bulldog but this isn’t going to last long. Remember there are one minute intervals, which was just a bad idea in general. Smith gets a quick gorilla press, but why throw Shawn OUT when you can just slam him? That clearly won’t come back to haunt him later or anything of course. Smith charges into a boot and here’s Eli Blu (one of the Harris Brothers, who were the big bald bikers who were around for WAY too long) at #3.

Nothing happens so here’s Duke Droese (a wrestling garbageman) at #4. Eli fights Smith and Droese squeezes Shawn until Jimmy Del Ray of the Heavenly Bodies is #5. Nothing continues to happen because there isn’t enough time between entries. Sione (Barbarian) of the Headshrinkers is #6 as Del Ray is tossed out. Tom Prichard of the Heavyenly Bodies is #7 and STILL nothing is happening.

Doink is #8 as the Rumble is going way too fast. It’s like the original Rumble: not enough names to care about and nothing going on at the same time. Kwang is #9 and Rick Martel is #10, I believe in his last WWF match. There are nine people in the ring right now. Shawn is almost out but fights off Kwang to survive. Owen Hart is in at #11 and here’s Bret to jump him in the aisle. Owen survives and climbs in, only to be eliminated in three seconds.

Shawn puts out Droese and Timothy Well (partners with Steven Dunn in the tag team of Well Dunn) is #12 and is out almost immediately. Martel and Prichard go out faster than I can see them and Kwang superkicks Doink out. Luke of the Bushwhackers is #13 and during his entrance, everyone but Bulldog and Shawn are gone. Literally, four people were put out inside of six seconds. Luke is out almost immediately and it’s Shawn vs. Bulldog again.

Here’s Jacob Blu at #14 and HE TOO is gone in like fifteen seconds. This is so stupid. King Kong Bundy is #15 and he beats on both guys for about twenty seconds before it’s Mo at #16. Mo is like the fifth guy to last less than thirty seconds. If your roster is this weak, CUT THE FREAKING MATCH DOWN. Nothing else happens until Mable is #17 for the showdown with Bundy. Mabel dumps him out as Butch is #18 and is gone in less than 20 seconds as well. More on this later.

Lex Luger is #19 and he goes right for Mabel for no apparent reason. He eliminates the fat purple and gold dude before gorilla pressing Michaels down like an idiot. Mantaur, a stupid monster character, is #20. He beats on Luger and Bulldog until Aldo Montoya (Justin Credible with a jockstrap on his face) is #21. Henry Godwinn is #22 as we’re waiting on a bunch of people to get thrown out so everyone can go home. I think this is one of Henry’s first matches.

Billy Gunn is #23 so naturally Bart Gunn is #24. Bob Backlund is #25 and also lasts about fifteen seconds due to a Bret Hart attack. Steven Dunn is #26 as there are like ten people in there. Bret and Backlund fight in the aisle again and old man Dick Murdoch is #27. Mantaur misses a charge at Bart and Adam Bomb is #28. For the second year in a row, Vince decides Adam Bomb is going to win the Rumble. Seriously.

Fatu is #29 and Luger eliminates Mantaur. Crush is #30, giving us a final group of Shawn, Bulldog, Luger, Montoya, Godwinn, Bart, Billy, Dunn, Murdoch, Bomb, Fatu and Crush, or WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE. Thankfully Crush immediately eliminates the Gunns to clear the ring out a bit. We cut to Anderson who gives a very uninterested wave and points to the ring. You know, because this is SO beneath her. Well, not beneath her enough to give the check back or anything but you get the idea.

Dunn is put out off camera and Murdoch almost puts Shawn out. Luger makes the save due to a lack of intelligence as Murdoch tries headbutts on Fatu. Naturally it doesn’t work at all because YOU DON’T HEADBUTT A SAMOAN. Bomb is backdropped out and Shawn throwsn Montoya out. Luger saves Shawn AGAIN and Crush eliminates Fatu. There are six guys left: Murdoch (who hits a dropkick and airplane spin on Godwinn), Godwinn, Shawn, Bulldog, Crush and Luger.

Murdoch gets dizzy from the spin and falls out to get us down to five. Lex dumps Godwinn and we’ve got four left. Michaels and Crush double team Luger as Bulldog gets a breather. They dump Lex and we’ve got three guys left. Smith gets double teamed until Shawn turns on Crush and is lifted into the air. Bulldog uses the distraction to eliminate Crush and it’s one on one. Davey destroys Shawn and presses him onto (not over. That would make sense) the top rope. Shawn is knocked over the top, but in the famous finish, he hangs on and ONLY ONE FOOT touches, allowing Shawn to come back in and eliminate Smith to win.

Rating: D. This is a hard one to grade, because the stuff that was decent was in fact decent. The problem is there wasn’t much stuff that falls into that category. First and foremost, SEVEN PEOPLE OUT OF THIRTY did not last thirty seconds. If they’re that meaningless to the match, simply do not put them in the Rumble. It looks stupid and there’s no reason to have them out there.

Second, the time intervals. These were a major issues because there’s no time to get ANYTHING going in the match. When you count ten seconds or so to get into the ring (some people take up to twenty), you’re looking at about 45 seconds of action with the new guy before someone else comes out. That’s just not enough time to get anything going at all.

Third, and this is probably the biggest problem of the match, look at the roster here. At a glance, I see four people with actual chances to win: Crush, Luger (they’re both BIG stretches), Bulldog, and Shawn. After that there’s Owen Hart but he was one of the guys that didn’t make it thirty seconds in the ring.

Then you’re looking at guys like Montoya and Well Dunn and the Bushwhackers (who amazingly still had jobs in 1995) and the Heavenly Bodies (by my count there were five tag teams in here, or one third of the match. WAY too many guys at that level) and Dick freaking Murdoch. This is a match that was BEGGING for a midcard to come in and fill in some spots. Guys like Ramon and Jarrett and Bigelow and Tatanka would have helped this match a ton, but instead we get all these fillers. That’s a big reason why this didn’t work.

Anderson poses with Shawn to end the show.

Overall Rating: C+. This is a hard one to grade because as good as the world title match is, the Rumble sucks it right back down. IRS vs. Taker isn’t anything good but it’s much more boring than bad. The opener and tag matches are good so I can’t complain much there. 1995 would be AWFUL for the most part though, mainly due to all of the problems you could see coming in the Rumble. Still though, not an awful show by any stretch and it has a great world title match.

Ratings Comparison

Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

Original: B+

Redo: C+

Undertaker vs. IRS

Original: D

Redo: D

Bret Hart vs. Diesel

Original: B-

Redo: A

Bob Holly/1-2-3 Kid vs. Bam Bam Bigelow/Tatanka

Original: D+

Redo: C+

Royal Rumble

Original: D+

Redo: D

Overall Rating

Original: C-

Redo: C+

What in the world was I thinking on the title match? It was great.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/14/royal-rumble-count-up-1995/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

 

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of on the History of In Your House at Amazon for just $4 at:

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It was either this or Bull Buchanan.Jeep Swenson was an actor, best known for playing Bane in Batman and Robin,  and wrestler in WCCW.  He never accomplished much but he was brought back in 1996 for a single match: the Doomsday Cage Match at Uncensored 1996.  If you’ve never seen this, I urge you to get together with some wrestling friends who like to have a good time and hold a viewing.  If there has ever been a more over the top, insane and completely ridiculous match, I’ve yet to see it.  This is also my favorite match review I’ve ever written.

 

We recap the feud with Hogan and Savage against the Alliance. More or less what happened was simple: the Alliance challenged Hogan to a 4-1 cage match, but WCW wised up and realized Hogan carrying a match like that could expose him too much, so they threw Savage in there too.

Now, how did the Alliance put out this challenge? Was it by beating down Hogan? Was it by destroying something he held dear and valuable? Was it by making threats to his family and home? Nope to all three. They sent him a telegram. Let me repeat that. The feud and match were set by a group sending Hogan a telegram. That’s so freaking stupid I can’t even make fun of it. I truly can’t.

They sent him a telegram. I can’t get over that. Something else I notice: there hasn’t been a single mention of Randy Savage all show. It’s been nothing but Hogan. The team is known as the Alliance to End Hulkamania. In the build up from the announcers there’s no mention of Savage. What in the world is wrong with these people? Why am I trying to figure that out?

Doomsday Cage Match: Hogan/SAVAGE vs. Alliance to End Hulkamania

The Alliance is Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Meng, Barbarian, Lex Luger, Taskmaster (Kevin Sullivan), Z-Gangsta (Zeus from the late 80s) and Ultimate Solution (big fat strong guy that never did anything other of note in wrestling. He did play Bane in Batman and Robin though in case anyone is interested.) Now you might be wondering how this is going to work.

Well until about 3 minutes before the bell rings, so was everyone else. Literally, they didn’t know what they were going to do until the day of the show. That’s your brilliant wrestling company at work. The idea would be this. You have a ring with three cages on top of it. In other words, there’s a ring with a cage over it that’s very tall and has a top of in. The top of that cage is the floor of a second cage. That cage has six sides, all made of cage.

There’s ANOTHER of those on top. The match starts up at the top for no apparent reason. The idea is that it’s more or less a gauntlet match. There’s two guys on top, four in the middle cage and two in the bottom cage and Hogan and Savage have to win in all three cages. Yep, that’s it.

In a match that’s supposed to be all about violence and called a Doomsday match, we have a freaking gauntlet with regular pins and submissions. Let’s get to this. Michael Buffer is in the ring doing introductions for this as I have a feeling that this is going to take a LONG time.

He asks if they’re ready. He asks it again. I wonder if they’re going to break it down after the match. The cage I mean. Oh Brian Pillman is supposed to be in this but he’s left for ECW at this time where he would be for all of a day or so and then on to WWF. Flair comes out sans belt or any acknowledgement that he’s champion so you can see where the priorities are.

Oh we also have to wait for them to all climb up the steps to get to their cages too. Barbarian has been banned from wrestling in most countries in the world too. You learn something new every day. Zeus (I refuse to refer to him as Z-Gangsta more than I have to) and Ultimate Solution aren’t here yet. His original name was Final Solution. I’ll give you two guesses as to how that went.

So we’re starting with Anderson and Flair at the top so we’re starting with the Mega Powers vs. Anderson and Flair. Tell me, what’s wrong with that as a main event? I’d like that FAR better. Luger left WWF for this. That’s just sad. They finally just give up and call Hogan a superhero. Naturally the camera follows him up the stairs as my fear of heights is kicking in.

Dusty says the fans have been waiting for days in and around this building. Just go with it. Once they finally reach the top we start immediately and also immediately we see the massive problem: the fans can’t see a stupid thing. They’re about thirty feet from the ground (which of course hits as high as 65 so far according to Brain) and the lighting is awful.

Also, this is before the days of the Titantron. If they had that, this would be ok. No actually it wouldn’t be but it would have been better. The people watching the PPV from home have a hard time seeing this so imagine what it’s like for the fans there. They’re dead quiet too after the opening maybe 10 seconds because reality has set in. Oh Arn is wearing a full black body suit for no apparent reason.

Heenan says what I think might have been hidden jabs at WCW by saying “What a great thing for television!” and “Only here in WCW!” Those are either fed to him or shots at the brilliant minds who came up with this. Actually no. They’re not worthy of sarcastic praise. They’re freaking idiots. I mean seriously, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING???

If you’re going to do a cage match, fine. If you’re going to do a big cage match, fine. If you’re going to do a gauntlet cage match, that’s fine too. Actually that’s kind of an interesting concept. However, DO IT WHERE THE PEOPLE CAN SEE IT. My goodness how hard of a concept is that? What’s the most important aspect of any show? How about being able to see it?

The fans here might be able to make out someone next to one side of the cage but other than that, nothing. And don’t even bother staying if you sit across the arena and don’t have binoculars because you’re screwed. Sting and Booker won the main event already. I can’t get over how ridiculous this is. Seriously who thought this was a good idea?

Oh and there’s a referee up there too even though it’s Uncensored and therefore unsanctioned. There’s also a massive pole in the middle in case Hogan wants to shoot a Brooke Hogan video up there. They go to a wide shot to just further show how stupid this is. We can hear the wrestlers talking which is usually covered up by the crowd.

Maybe they can see as there’s a pop for Hogan ripping the shirt off. Heenan says this is better than the World Series or the Super Bowl. Yes it does Bobby, yes it does. Hey we’ve hit 70 feet in the air! Heenan redeems himself a bit with the line of all a manager can do here is hope they have a client in the morning. We get a random reference to some woman named Becky in Denver. Ok then.

Tony sums up the match perfectly: the fans wanted to know what the Doomsday Cage was so they’re finding out here. Well thanks for that Tony. In other words, we’re going to throw out a cool sounding name and say Hogan is in it against a bunch of guys that we’re only going to vaguely mention and say to find out, pay up. Once you hook them, you don’t have to do anything.

They did the same thing with the Elimination Chamber in 2002, but the difference was that match wasn’t bad. It certainly wasn’t great but I’ve seen far worse matches. Exhibit A is being reviewed at the moment. In the ultra violent match, we get double figure fours.

Heenan’s comedy is all that’s holding the pieces of this in place. Notice I didn’t say together but just in place as they would likely want to run away and join a witness protection program or something. Zeus and Solution didn’t wrestle again after this. They were the smart ones I guess.

Dusty says if you have a chain length fence (who doesn’t?) just go lay on it to see what this is like. Bobby: Then call your neighbor over and slap the figure four on him! Then put the figure eight on your Doberman! Bobby Heenan, I love you very much.  You need massive amounts of therapy and medication, but I love you.

Flair drops something from one cage to the other which is never explained or mentioned again. My guess would be the will of Flair’s career since it’s dead at this point. Hogan and Savage throw powder, which is likely the remains of the cocaine they needed to agree to this.

They go through a trapdoor to get to the next cage, and Anderson and Flair are eliminated. WOW. Ok so wait. All they had to do was get through a door? They didn’t have to pin someone or get a tap out but just go through a door? Ladies and gentlemen, I’m done. I’m going to stop trying to make sense of this match and that’s all there is to it.

This just doesn’t make sense at all but for some reason they insist that it does. Bobby says Boris Karloff would love this. Not really but ok. Hogan has a chain and beats on Sullivan with it. They’re down about 12 feet now so the crowd is a bit more into it. It’s the Faces of Fear (Meng and Barbarian) on Savage and Luger and Sullivan on Hogan.

This room has a door in the middle of it so it’s like two small cages. Actually there’s a reason for it though which will come up in a minute. After being beaten on by two grown men and a steel chain, Hogan is fine and manages to get the chain away to lock the door (which didn’t have a lock before but whatever) and trap Meng and Barbarian inside.

A shot of the cage from the floor makes this look a lot better as in essence they’re fighting on top of a regular cage. That’s not bad I guess. Anderson and Flair drop to the second cage and are trapped as well. Where’s my wah wah music when I need it? Heenan says it’s a maze with no way in or out.

Yep other than the doors they came in through, the doors they leave through or the path that the referee points them through to get to the end. Speaking of doors they go out of one and fight on the stairs which is kind of scary when you think about it as there’s no wall to save them there.

Sullivan is actually over halfway out as Heenan says that he’ll be spam if he hits. I’ll infract him if he does. I don’t want any freaking spam in my reviews. Savage and Luger are still in the cage by the way. According to Brain everyone is on their feet. They have to be to see this I suppose. They’re more or less quiet by the way.

Luger gets loose and we’re out on the floor. Yep, they got out of the cage and while the rules stated earlier in the match said that Hogan and Savage just needed to get down to win, they apparently are going to keep going. Hey, we’re having a Doomsday Cage Match, so let’s fight in the ring!

Yep, they’re fighting in the ring. Luger and Savage are fighting by the cage with Hogan and Sullivan in the ring. The four guys in the upper cage break out and head down the cage. Now this could be cool: Hogan and Savage 6-2 in the arena. Well ok I can go with that as at least its easier to see.

It’s more or less the same thing as the previous match but…that’s….why are the other four just leaving? They just walked back to the dressing room. Anderson and Flair are supposed to, but the Faces of Fear are still in this legally, but who cares about that? That would MAKE SENSE! Hogan is beating on Luger in the ring while Savage is having boards thrown at him.

Apparently the Faces of Fear have been eliminated. Oh ok I think I’ve got it now: the rules are as follows. Hogan and Savage had to go to the top of the cage where they had to either pin or get a submission from Flair and Anderson but they were allowed to have an alternate way of winning because Hogan made a large donation to the Save the Wombat Foundation.

Next up they had to get pins or submissions on some combination of the Faces of Fear, Sullivan or Luger, but they were able to lock the Faces of Fear into a cage and therefore receive a Federal credit for preventing an international assault and battery charge since both men are international ambassadors sent by the King of Tonga to study wrestling (that’s actually not made up if you can believe that. That’s legit true).

Now at the beginning the rules stated that they simply had to get to the floor to win, however there was a clause stating that if there was a high percentage (17 or greater) of time spent on discussing the social habits of Bulgarian monks in the 15th century by the four in the second cage during the battle in the first cage, then simply getting to the floor wouldn’t be classified as a win.

In that case a pin in the other ring would work. However, that won’t work either because Lex Luger’s lawyers feel that the population of fire ants in this match were misrepresented so therefore a simple pin in the ring won’t work either, and the final two members of the Alliance to End Hulkamania, which has founded new chapters in Laos, Manhattan and the North Pole, fighting off the evils of Hulk-Chi-Min, Hulk Maritoni and Hulk-a-Claus, must be equally represented in this match, which must end via pinfall in the original ring.

HOWEVER, it will be allowed for former members of the Alliance to reenter the match under the Columbus Act which also founded Ohio in 1776, but also said that wrestlers were unlawfully evicted from the match via an international treaty can be allowed to return. ANYWAY, now that we’re back to the match, let’s continue here but I need to make sure this remains logical. It’s very important to keep that going here.

They’re all at the ring now and we have more bad chair shots. I love how the graphic under the split screen says Doomsday Cage Match despite a significant lack of cage. Here’s Ultimate Solution and Zeus. According to the clause listed above, we head back to the original cage for the showdown. Yep, it’s Hogan and Savage in a no tag tag-team match against two big strong guys. How do they come up with these things? Sullivan is lurking around as I feel he needs to register. I’m sure there’s something in this match for him too. There must be a tournament somewhere.

As if this wasn’t riveting enough, we hit a bear hug. Hey now, it’s time for the rematch of the match that didn’t happen seven years ago in another company that we’re not going to mention but imply that everyone knows anyway because that’s how we roll.

Ultimate Solution (hereafter known as porkchop for no other reason than I have the Doug song in my head) picks up Savage and has him in position for a slam, prompting Dusty to wonder what he’s going to do with him. Heenan says that he picked Savage up like a 100lb infant. Tony says there’s no winning or losing but only surviving. Yeah I’d agree.

Whose career can survive this match? Here’s Arn and Flair again as apparently their plan to eliminate Hulkamania is just to stomp them and punch them and slam them a lot. Yep, that’s the epic plan. Tony is holding out hope despite a few seconds before saying it’s hopeless.

I love that top level journalism there Tony! Keep it up and one day you might be able to get a better job like selling meat from a truck in Minneapolis! They actually argue over how many people are in there against Hogan and Savage. To get off of that we point out that this started with a telegram. Somehow that’s an improvement.

Naturally they ask if Hulkamania can survive instead of Hogan and Savage. It amazes me that he got so little respect over the years. He was nuts, but dang could he wrestle. In one of the best unintentionally funny moments I can ever remember, the powder that Hogan and Savage have spills out and within 5 seconds Brutus is there to help them. That’s just greatness.

Also they’re almost face down in it. Could this get any funnier? Now the interesting part is what Brutus does for them. He brings them weapons to even the odds, instead of actually sticking around to help fight like a friend would. Nope he brought them something to help them fight off the forces of evil. What does he bring? Does he bring brass knuckles?

Maybe a club? Perhaps a couple of chairs? Nope. He brings frying pans. Brutus Beefcake brings a pair of frying pans to help save his friends. Where in the world do I start? Let’s see: how about WHY DID HE HAVE FRYING PANS??? Was he making bacon in the back or something? Does he tend to carry cookware around with him? Did the barber shop fall through? I guess he couldn’t repair the window after Shawn broke it so he became a chef.

Somehow, that is the most logical thing I’ve said all night. There’s five minutes left so let’s get through this if we can. Luger comes back in with a glove that they imply is loaded. He sets to hit Savage but Macho ducks (that sounds like an upgrade to Duck Hunter) and Luger stops, but then starts again to hit Flair and turn face I guess.

Hogan and Savage turn to leave but Savage runs back in and pins Flair while everyone else kind of stands around and lets it happen. WOW. So did they forget the whole pin thing too I suppose? Heenan is ticked off and leaves and we’re finally done.

Rating: -F. This is below an F. We’ve gone so low that we’ve went past Z (which stands for Zeus not Z-Gangsta blast it) and we’ve reached negative letters. That’s how insane this was. I mean it made no sense, the rules I laid out might as well have been the real ones because nothing stayed the same as it was in the beginning, you couldn’t see a stupid thing if you were in the audience, the match was exactly the same thing that it had always been with Hogan surviving, and the plan was just to beat them up a lot? Take note fans: never, I mean never, send a telegram in your life. You can see what it can lead to.

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of on the History of In Your House at Amazon for just $4 at:

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Monday Night Raw
Date: January 6, 2014
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield

It’s a special show tonight as Raw goes Old School. This has been a very entertaining show in the past but you never can tell what they’re going to be anymore. WWE can be so hit or miss with their nostalgia shows so it could go in any of several directions. The main storyline coming into tonight is Daniel Bryan debuting as part of the Wyatt Family after giving in and joining the group last night. Let’s get to it.

There’s some distressing breaking news coming into the show: Jerry Lawler was sent to the hospital with chest pains. It appears that he’s ok but he won’t be doing commentary tonight.

The set is made of the big red RAW letters, we have the blue posts and steps, the old graphics and the gray metal barricade.

Here’s Ric Flair to open the show. He says his catchphrases and promises to style and profile tonight but is interrupted by Randy Orton. The champion says he has nothing but respect for Flair for giving him his big break but tonight is all about Orton. Randy is sure Flair sees him as the biggest star of all time but he asks Ric to step aside because Orton has something to get off his chest.

Orton talks about Stephanie making the rematch with Cena last week and is upset that he wasn’t consulted about this. Since when did the business start making decisions based on what the fans wanted? Flair thinks Orton isn’t the man but rather just crying over having to wrestle a rematch. Back in Flair’s day the champion would wrestle seven nights a week because that’s what a champion does.

Randy says Flair always had someone watching his back all those years, which is why he’s the most overrated star in history. Ric doesn’t leave because Orton is going to listen to what he has to say. Orton needs to be a man instead of the coward he’s been since he got to the WWE. The champ is about to go off but here’s Cena to hug Flair. Cena says Orton sinks to a new low every time he opens his mouth by blaming his problems on Ric Flair. This is Ric Flair, a 16 time world champion, meaning Orton isn’t even in his league. If Orton wants to fight Cena is ready right now but Randy bails to the floor.

Cole and JBL give us an update on Lawler, saying his heart is fine. You can get updates on his health on the WWE App. Seriously?

We recap Daniel Bryan and the Wyatts last week.

Here are the Wyatts with Daniel for the first time. Bray holds up the lantern and Bryan stares him down in the dark, wearing blue coveralls ala Rowan. His face looks very defeated but stoic for lack of better terms.

Wyatt Family vs. Usos/Rey Mysterious

The referee has the old blue shirt and bowtie. Harper runs into a kick to the ribs from Jey to start but takes him down with a shoulder block. Bryan gets a tag for the first time to face Mysterio who says this isn’t the real Daniel. Bryan hits a hard forearm and knees to Rey’s ribs to take over. Rey counters a rollup attempt and sends Daniel to the floor as we take a break.

Back with Jey fighting back on Rowan but walking into a fallaway slam. The WWE App shows us Mysterio hitting his sliding splash and the stereo Uso dives because why would we air those on the broadcast? Bryan comes back in for some hard kicks to Jey before tagging out to Erick. Jey avoids a charge in the corner and hits a sweet superkick to take the monster down. Hot tag brings in Mysterio for a seated senton and the 619 but Jimmy misses the Superfly Splash. Bryan tags himself in but Harper does the same with a glare to Daniel. Luke knocks Rey off the apron…and gets rolled up by Jimmy for the pin at 8:37.

Rating: D+. This was for the storyline instead of the match and that’s fine in this case. In theory Bryan will be subjected to further brainwashing and reprimands for not having the right chemistry. I’m glad the usos have found a niche for themselves in matches like these and they fit the roles perfectly.

Batista will be in the Rumble.

Due to bad refereeing last week in the Khali vs. Sandow match, we’re getting a rematch with the fans picking a guest referee: Arn Anderson, Bob Backlund or Sgt. Slaughter. The legends leave and Kane comes in for a LONG speech basically threatening Maddox to stop badmouthing him or the monster will return.

Big E. Langston walks through the back and sees Nikolai Volkoff singing the Russian national anthem, Ted DiBiase laughing and IRS telling him to pay his taxes. There are your pointless cameos for the hour.

Big E. Langston vs. Curtis Axel

Ryback is on commentary. Non-title in case you didn’t get enough of the domination on Smackdown. Langston starts with some quick backbreakers but misses a charge into the post. Cole asks Ryback where the name Rybaxel came from because he’s that much of a dolt. Axel armdrags and dropkicks Langston before sending him to the floor. Back in and Big E. shrugs everything off and finishes Axel with the Big Ending at 2:45. This was nothing.

It’s time for Piper’s Pit. Piper doesn’t get to say much before his guests, the Shield, gets to interrupt. Ambrose: “Who gave this old man a live microphone?” Dean says it’s a good thing they weren’t around when Piper was in his prime or he wouldn’t have made it to 112 years old. Piper says he took the mic because he wanted it and says this is Piper’s Pit rather than Ambrose’s Alley. Piper may have taken a few hits to the head but there’s only one man that can match him on the microphone: CM Punk.

Ambrose gets in Piper’s face again but Rollins interrupts. Seth says he appreciates what Hot Rod is trying to do but it’s not 1985 anymore. Piper is just jealous because Ambrose is a better US Champion than Piper ever was. Roddy says he knows three things for sure: Rollins can’t beat Punk one on one, Ambrose can’t beat Punk one on one, but if Reigns can beat Punk tonight, doesn’t that make him better than his teammates?

Aren’t Ambrose and Rollins holding Reigns back? We get a REIGNS chant before Roman says he’ll beat Punk tonight and gets in Piper’s face. Shield surrounds Piper but Punk and the New Age Outlaws of all people come out for the save. Shield bails and Ambrose leaves the US Title behind so Piper puts it on his shoulder.

We recap Lesnar returning and throwing Mark Henry around like a paper doll last week.

Sin Cara vs. Alberto Del Rio

Del Rio starts aggressively but gets caught in a quick crucifix for one. A few more rollups get two for Cara but Del Rio comes back with a stomp in the corner to take over. The announcers are too busy bragging about Raw airing in Japan tonight as Del Rio puts on a chinlock. Back up and Cara’s tornado DDT is countered but the Tajiri Elbow gets one. Cara goes to the apron and hits the enziguri but misses the Swanton, allowing Del Rio to hit the low superkick for the pin at 2:24.

Post match Del Rio says he’s tired of hearing about Batista so he’s going to throw him out of the Rumble.

In the back, Daniel tells the Wyatts that he came to the Family to try to learn. He was a tag team champion with guy a guy the size of Rowan and Harper and wants to contribute. He offers to team with either Harper or Rowan next week but instead will get to team with Bray himself.

Cody Rhodes/Goldust vs. Real Americans

Goldust and Swagger get us going with Goldie doing the big deep breath. An atomic drop sends Swagger over to the corner for a tag to Cesaro who gets caught in a double front suplex for one. Cody skins the cat to come back in with a right hand before it’s time to work on the arm. Cesaro takes Goldust down to switch momentum before bringing in Swagger for a double back elbow. Back to Cesaro for the standing chinlock but Goldust bring in Cody with the springboard missile dropkick for two.

The sunset flip out of the corner gets two on Antonio but Cody has to take Swagger down with a Disaster Kick, allowing Cesaro to get in a cheap shot as we take a break. Back with the Real Americans still in control, though apparently the Cesaro Swing was shown on the WWE App. Great to know that we have to sit through a match without big spots so WWE can get people to download their latest project.

Cody backdrops Swagger to the floor but Antonio knocks Goldust to the floor. Rhodes gets to the corner but there’s no one to tag, allowing Swagger to counter the disaster Kick into the Patriot Lock. Goldust FINALLY comes back in for the save and gets the hot tag to clean house. A spinning cross body takes Swagger down and Cesaro is low bridged to the floor, allowing Goldust to hit the Final Cut for the pin at 11:40.

Rating: C. The match was decent enough but I’m not sure where they’re going to find good challengers to take out Goldust and Cody. The problem is the champions have taken out every team so far but thankfully they’ve had good matches nearly every time. It’s a very entertaining runs but I’m not sure where they can go to eventually move the belts.

Booker T runs into Diamond Dallas Page in the back and we plug Page’s yoga program. The payoff is Ron Simmons for his signature catchphrase.

Damien Sandow vs. Great Khali

The guest referee is Sgt. Slaughter with 55% of the vote. Khali has Runjin Singh back with him tonight. No word on if Sandow quits if he loses here. Khali stomps away in the corner and hits some loud chops but Damien runs away from the big one to the head. Now it’s Damien stomping in the corner but runs into a big boot. The huge chop is enough to pin Sandow at 1:25, even though Sandow’s foot was on the ropes before one.

Damien yells and gets put in the Cobra Clutch post match. Slaughter dances with Khali and Singh in a goofy moment.

Here are Lesnar and Heyman with something to say. Heyman talks about how Lesnar doesn’t like the concept of Old School Raw. Old School Raw isn’t having a bunch of legends come out for one last hurrah and then leave after doing nothing. Brock wants Old School to mean the champion coming out here and standing supreme while everyone came out to challenge him. That’s what people like Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan and Steve Austin did in their prime, and that’s how it should be today since there’s only one world champion.

After the Royal Rumble there will only be one man and it doesn’t matter if it’s John Cena or Randy Orton. You can put the date on the back of their neck because their time as champion is short. Brock Lesnar is coming for either one of them because he’s the best athlete in the world today. There is no one in wrestling, MMA or any professional sport that can compare to Lesnar and last week was proof of that.

The World’s Strongest Man Mark Henry, an Olympian, came at Lesnar with no warning and Brock destroyed him with ease. Heyman reads Brock’s new catchphrase off his shirt: Eat, sleep, conquer, repeat, over and over until Mark Henry comes out for the showdown. Mark is wincing but gets in some right hands to Brock. Lesnar shrugs them off and puts on the kimura to break Henry’s arm.

Brock goes to leave but Big Show comes out for a staredown. Lesnar slowly backpedals towards the ring and tells Big Show to bring it. Big Show is all serious here as he gets up to the apron. Brock is all bring it on but runs to the floor instead of having the showdown like a good heel is supposed to. Heyman offers a distraction and Lesnar gets in, only to be LAUNCHED across the ring and out to the floor.

We recap the opening segment.

Bella Twins vs. Aksana/Alicia Fox

Nikki works on an armbar on Fox to start before sending her to the apron with a backbreaker. Fox flips out of something resembling a snapmare before getting sent to the floor with a monkey flip. Nikki is sent to the floor and comes up holding her shin, only to have Alicia start working on it. My goodness it’s psychology in a Divas match. Aksana comes in to stay on the leg until Nikki fights up for a tag to Brie. House is cleaned but Brie misses her middle rope dropkick, giving Aksana the pin at 4:00.

Rating: D. The girls all look good in their outfits. I think you can figure out my thoughts on the match on your own.

3MB vs. Too Cool/Rikishi

This is as obvious of a match as you can get. Grandmaster and Jinder get things going with Grandmaster scoring with a quick dropkick. Off to Scotty who is still in good shape but gets punched down by McIntyre. Drew misses a charge in the corner and the bulldog sets up the WORM. Slater robs us of our gratification though and 3MB takes over again. The announcers spend the entire match arguing over whether Too Cool can be called the Hip Hop Twins, thereby making the whole thing about them instead of the legends.

Scotty clotheslines McIntyre down and makes the hot tag to Rikishi who looks incredibly slow. He does manage a superkick to Mahal for two but Slater makes the save. Rikishi clotheslines two Band members down and the Hip Hop Drop takes out McIntyre. Mahal tries a sunset flip on Rikishi but gets sat on for the pin at 5:24.

Rating: D+. The match sucked and the commentary was annoying, but this is exactly what modern nostalgia should be about. Too Cool is an act that’s old enough for people to reminisce but not old enough that they embarrass themselves in the ring. Nobody is hurt, the fans get to have a fun moment and everybody wins. Good stuff.

We get one more big legends segment with everyone mentioned tonight plus Godfather. All of them get introduced to the crowd but Bad News Barrett interrupts. Everyone has a good time but Bad News Barrett interrupts. This should be a momentous occasion but there’s some bad news. Flea markets are in a frenzy today because all of these old guys aren’t there to sign 25 year old photos for seven people. Barrett will take great pleasure in forgetting all of their names as soon as they leave the arena, just like all of the fans.

Randy Orton vs. Big E. Langston on Smackdown.

Before the main event here’s Gene Okerlund to shill a hotline for $5.95 a minute and kids don’t need their parents’ permission. He brings out the New Age Outlaws who don’t want him to tell a story about the three of them, a clown and farm animals. The Outlaws head to the ring and do their catchphrases before doing the introductions for the main event.

Roman Reigns vs. CM Punk

Feeling out process to start with Punk taking him down into a headlock. The Outlaws are sticking around at ringside. Reigns comes back with a shoulder block and we take a break. Back with Reigns knocking Punk off the apron and into the barricade. Reigns brings him back inside for some shots to the head and a body vice. A headbutt puts Reigns down again but he comes back with a cross body, only to hurt his ribs even more.

We hit the bearhug from Roman before he shifts it around to a body vice. Punk tries to escape but Reigns suplexes him down, only to miss the Superman Punch and get kicked in the head. More kicks have Reigns in trouble and Punk drops him with some ax handles and a neckbreaker for two. The running knee in the corner gets two more but Reigns breaks up the Macho Elbow.

Punk breaks up a superplex attempt and drops the elbow (to Ambrose according to Cole) for no cover. The Outlaws and Shield get into it on the floor and Punk dives out to take care of Rollins, only to dive into the Superman Punch for two. The spear hits the middle buckle and Punk gets a VERY close two off a rollup. Punk snaps off a high kick for two more but Reigns escapes the GTS. Another Ambrose distraction lets Reigns spear Punk in half for the pin at 16:14.

Rating: B. This took time to get going but the near falls at the end were all great stuff. They’re pushing Reigns to the moon and it continues to show how annoying these start and stop pushes can be. Look what happens when you push guys like Reigns and Langston to the moon without having them trade wins against midcarders for a change. It’s like people get behind monsters who clean house or something.

Post match Shield poses but JAKE ROBERTS comes out. Punk picks up Ambrose for a GTS but gives him an airplane spin first. Jake looks better than I’ve seen him in years. Ambrose gets the snake treatment for old times’ sake.

Overall Rating: D+. The D in this case is for disappointing. This show has potential every year but most of the time it turns into a regular Raw with a few frills to pay lip service to the theme of the night. Look at all the completely meaningless cameos and time spent on regular stuff instead of the legends. There was one match all night featuring the legends and it was the most enjoyable thing all night.

With six weeks between TLC and the Rumble, it’s ok to spend a week on something fun instead of plugging your App and whatever other nonsense they’ve got going on at the moment. This felt like any given Raw with a few extra moments put in. I wanted to love this show a lot but instead it became dull really fast and I kept forgetting it was a special at all. That’s not bad but it’s very disappointing which is even worse.

Results

Usos/Rey Mysterio b. Wyatt Family – Rollup to Harper

Big E. Langston b. Curtis Axel – Big Ending

Alberto Del Rio b. Sin Cara – Superkick

Cody Rhodes/Goldust b. Real Americans – Final Cut to Swagger

Great Khali b. Damien Sandow – Chop to the head

Aksana/Alicia Fox b. Bella Twins – Aksana pinned Brie after a missed missile dropkick

Too Cool/Rikishi b. 3MB – Seated senton to Mahal

Roman Reigns b. CM Punk – Spear

 

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Royal Rumble 1994
Date: January 22, 1994
Location: Providence Civic Center, Providence, Rhode Island
Attendance: 14,500
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Ted DiBiase

This is one of those shows where the good stuff is good but the bad stuff is REALLY bad. The main idea here is that someone has to stop Yokozuna, and it’s going to be one of three people: Bret Hart or Lex Luger who could get the shot by winning the Rumble, or the Undertaker who has a casket match against Yoko tonight for the title. Oh….this is going to be a long night. Let’s get to it.

Vince is on commentary here and gets to do his carnival barker stuff. The guy knows how to make a show sound exciting, I have to give him that. DiBiase comes out to do commentary with McMahon due to having to retire late in 1993 due to a bunch of injuries.

Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Bigelow is in Ludvig Borga’s spot because Borga broke his ankle. Bigelow pounds on Tatanka to start and dropkicks him into the corner. Tatanka literally bounces off of Bigelow before coming back with a chop to take Bigelow down. A DDT puts Bam Bam down again but Tatanka goes up for a cross body, missing Bigelow by a mile. This is a REALLY hot start so far. Bigelow crushes Tatanka in the corner with a splash and things slow down somewhat.

Tatanka gets in a shot to the head and tries a top rope sunset flip, only to have Bam Bam sit on him. When all else fails, sit on the other guy. Off to a bearhug for about two minutes before Bigelow drops him with a shoulder block. Tatanka starts his war path thing so Bam Bam decks him in the head with an enziguri to drop him. The moonsault misses though and Tatanka goes up again, this time hitting the cross body for the pin.

Rating: C+. Shockingly hot opener here and if you cut the bear hug in half or so, this is a really solid match. They stuck to the formula really well here and the match was good as a result. This is one of the nice surprises in wrestling: on paper this sounded horrible but it turned out to be a pretty nice match. Good opener.

We recap the tag title match, which is a rare instance where it’s all about the challengers rather than the champions. Owen Hart was the only Hart Brother eliminated in the Survivor Series match against Shawn and his Knights, which ticked him off. Owen had been whipped into Bret on the apron and the distraction let Shawn roll Owen up for the pin.

This caused Owen to cut a heel promo, talking about how he was tired of being in Bret’s shadow and wanting a match with him to escape it. Bret of course said no, but instead offered to team up with Owen to get his brother his first championship. Owen talked about leading the team but seemed genuinely ok at this point. For some reason we also see the Quebecers losing the tag titles to the 1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty for a single week for some reason.

The Harts talk about all the teams they’re going to give title shots to once they win the belts tonight.

Tag Titles: Bret Hart/Owen Hart vs. Quebecers

The Quebecers are managed by Johnny Polo, who would change his name to Raven in ECW. Pierre and Bret start things off with the challenger taking over. Off to Owen to work on the arm with his signature spinning counter to a wristlock. Off to Jacques and they botch something, but Owen hits a quick suplex to keep things on track. An enziguri gets two for Owen and it’s back to Bret.

After a bunch of rollups by Bret, everything breaks down and the Quebecers take over. Actually scratch that as Owen hits a kind of spear into a rollup for two and the Harts stand tall. It’s Bret vs. Jacques with Hart in control until it’s back to Owen for a gutwrench suplex for two. Bret comes back in, only to get powerslammed down by Pierre. A pair of knees to the back gets two and it’s back to Jacques.

That goes nowhere so Pierre comes in to jump into a boot. Owen comes back in and belly to bellys Jacques down before hooking the Sharpshooter. Pierre bulldogs Owen down for a fast save of course and it’s back to Pierre legally. Owen dropkicks both Quebecers down and it’s off to Bret again. For some reason both champions are allowed to stay in the ring for way too long. Pierre is atomic dropped to the floor, and now we get to the turning point of the match: Johnny Polo holds the ropes open to send Bret to the floor. Bret comes up holding his knee and he’s in big trouble.

Pierre rams the knee into the barricade to further the damage and the match turns into a kind of sloppy brawl on the floor. Owen finally throws Bret back into the ring and the leg work begins. Jacques puts on a half crab but Owen makes a fast save. The champions load up the Cannonball (kind of an aided Swanton) but Bret rolls away. Instead of tagging though, Bret tries the Sharpshooter….and the referee stops the match for the knee injury.

Rating: B-. This is one of those matches where you can look at it in multiple ways. From a match standpoint, it’s a standard tag match with the faces and heels doing exactly what they would be expected to do. On the other hand, the idea here was about setting up Owen’s heel turn, and the ending does that perfectly. There was no reason for Bret to not tag at the end and it sets Owen off as it should.

Post match Owen glares at Bret and paces back and forth. Bret manages to pull himself up but can barely stand up. Owen kicks the leg out, officially turning heel to HUGE booing. He leaves so here are some officials to come check on Bret. Ray Rougeau, a reporter for WWF at this point, comes out to interview Bret while he’s on his back in agony. For some reason that cracks me up.

Owen is in the back and goes on a huge tirade about how selfish Bret is and how Bret cost him the biggest match of his career. Bret is being carried to the back and has to watch this promo on the video screen. Owen’s face here is great as he unleashes all this pent up anger and frustration on Bret, saying he’ll win the Rumble because he doesn’t have to count on Bret. This would be the top feud for the next eight months or so.

Intercontinental Title: IRS vs. Razor Ramon

Guess who is defending here. JR and Gorilla Monsoon do commentary for this match. IRS goes on a big rant about how evil the crowd here is for not paying their taxes, even though they have about three months left to file. Razor goes off on IRS to start, knocking him out to the floor. IRS comes back with some forearms but Razor punches him right back down to take over again.

Ramon hits a bunch of basic stuff like atomic drops and clotheslines for some two counts, but IRS ducks under a clothesline to send Razor out to the floor. Back in and IRS goes up but jumps into a boot. For one of the only times I can EVER remember this happening, IRS avoids the foot and drops an elbow for two instead. WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO DO???

We hit the chinlock for well over a minute before Razor fights up and hits the fallaway slam. The referee gets knocked out in the corner and IRS grabs his briefcase, only for Razor to take it back and clock him in the head with it. No referee though, so Razor loads up a belly to back superplex. There’s still no referee, so Razor sets for the Edge, only to have Shawn run out and clock him with the fake IC Title. IRS finally wakes up and pins Razor for the title.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t bad but the overbooking hurt it a lot. This should have lasted about three minutes less and it would have been a lot better. Oddly enough I don’t remember IRS being champion at all, but then again this is the remastered version so maybe they really cleaned things up.

Or maybe another referee comes out to explain the interference and the match is restarted. Razor hits the Edge to retain.

Bearer and Undertaker are making a coffin for Yoko.

We recap the world title match, which is Yoko being scared of Taker and Taker being one of the last hopes to stop the monster. Apparently the contract was signed before Yoko and company knew it was a casket match. Taker I believe debuted his popping out of the casket spot in this feud.

WWF World Title: The Undertaker vs. Yokozuna

They stare each other down to start and Taker fires off his uppercuts to stagger the champion. A clothesline puts Yoko down and another uppercut puts Yoko on the floor. Taker is sent into the steps and it’s immediately no sold, scaring Yoko to death again. There’s Old School but the jumping clothesline misses as Yoko ducks. Why does no one else ever think of doing that?

They fight over a chair on the floor which winds up going upside Yoko’s head. There’s a plastic chair to the back of the champion but Yoko grabs the trusty salt to blind Taker. Now it’s Taker’s back getting hit with the chair and we head back inside. A clothesline puts Taker down but he fights out of the casket. Taker wins a slugout in the middle of the ring but Yoko belly to belly suplexes him down. Come on. You know that’s not holding him down. Taker pops up and grabs Yoko by the throat and hits a DDT to put the champion down again.

Yoko is placed in the casket but here’s Crush to block Taker from closing it. Taker slugs him down so here’s Great Kabuki and Tenryu but Taker beats them down as well. Yoko is still out cold in the casket. Bam Bam Bigelow comes in now and it’s 4-1 in the ring. One has to wonder why Paul Bearer doesn’t go over and close the casket but this match doesn’t seem to be the most logical one. Fuji and Cornette have stolen the Urn.

Yoko finally gets out of the casket as Bearer beats up Fuji and Cornette, stealing the Urn back. He uses it to recharge Taker, who fights off all four mercenaries. Now it’s Adam Bomb to make it technically 8-1 but Taker fights everyone off with the salt bucket. Jeff Jarrett comes in as well, as do the Headshrinkers. That makes it NINE wrestlers (Yoko, Crush, Kabuki, Tenryu, Bigelow, Jarrett, Samu, Fatu, Adam Bomb) against Undertaker.

AND HE GETS UP. Diesel comes out and they get Taker in the coffin but he fights ALL OF THEM OFF. Yoko steals the Urn and hits Taker in the head with it before opening the Urn. Green smoke comes out of it and Taker now is powerless. Everyone hits a bunch of moves on him as this goes on WAY too long. After ALL THAT, Taker is put in the coffin and Yoko retains the title.

Rating: F. On a major wrestling show, The Undertaker just fought off ten men until green smoke was released to drain him of his power. I’ve seen Japanese anime that makes more sense than this. Oh and the match itself, as in the one on one part, might have gone about six minutes.

BUT IT GETS WORSE!

The heels all push the coffin away when a gong goes off. Smoke comes out of the casket…..and a FREAKING CAMERA FEED FROM INSIDE THE CASKET POPS UP ON THE SCREEN. Taker says his soul lives in everyone and he can’t be extinguished. He says there’s going to be a rebirth of the Undertaker and he won’t rest in peace. Then electrical noises go off and we get something like an inverse camera shot (as in it’s all in black and white but what is white is black and what is black is white).

Then, to REALLY hammer home the point, the image on the screen starts to rise up through the top of the screen (which should be the top of the casket, meaning it should be ramming into the people that put him in the freaking casket) and A FREAKING BODY RISES OUT OF THE TOP OF THE SCREEN. AS IN A TANGIBLE BODY (which might have been played by Marty Jannetty).

In other words, WWF just said Taker is something like Jesus. Oh and one other thing to really make sure this is stupid: YOU CAN’T SEE IT. All I can see are some quick shots of it when flashes go off. This is one of those things that embarrasses me as a wrestling fan. I mean…..WOW.

The usual Rumble interviews eat up some time.

Royal Rumble

Scott Steiner is #1 and Samu is #2. Also the intervals are every 90 seconds this year so the entrances will come in faster than ever. Scott pounds away to start and hits a butterfly suplex as Samu tries to hang on. He does indeed survive and kills Scott with a clothesline. Rick Steiner is #3 and Samu is in BIG trouble. After some suplexes he’s out very quickly (but not before getting his head caught in the top and middle rope which is always kind of scary looking), giving us the Battle of the Steiners.

That battle literally lasts six seconds as Kwang (Savio Vega in a mask, allegedly Asian here) is #4. Scott suplexes Kwang down and Owen Hart is #5 to BIG heel heat. The heels take over and Owen actually dumps Rick out. That’s one of the rare times where the constant pushing against the ropes worked. Bart Gunn is #6 and things speed up a bit. No one really does anything so here’s Diesel at #7. This is where things pick up as this match is without a doubt Diesel’s coming out party.

He beats on everyone and throws out Bart, Scott, Owen and Kwang inside of 45 seconds. Bob Backlund is #8 and immediately goes for the leg. He actually gets Diesel up against the ropes and upside down, but Diesel will have none of that. Who would believe these two would have a world title match in Madison Square Garden later in the year? Backlund is gone quickly. Billy Gunn is #9 and doesn’t even last fifteen seconds.

We cut to the back where Kabuki and Tenryu are destroying Lex Luger. After Diesel stands around for a bit, he has to throw out Virgil who is #10 in about thirty seconds (causing DiBiase to laugh loudly and get in some good verbal jabs). Note that the fans are LOUDLY chanting for Diesel here, who had NEVER gotten a reaction until this point. No one has been able to stand up to Diesel at all so far. #11 is Randy Savage. This should be a bit better challenge I’d think.

Savage goes right for him and pounds away on the big man in the corner before peppering him with jabs. He has Diesel in trouble but Jeff Jarrett is #12 to save the not yet Big Daddy Cool. We hear about Jarrett wanting to become WWF Champion so he’ll be a famous country singer in Nashville. And people wonder why he never got over until he completely changed everything about his character.

Savage is thrown to the apron by Jarrett but Randy comes back and eliminates Jeff with ease. Crush, who Savage HATES at this point, is #13. Diesel just kind of chills in the corner as Savage beats up Crush. The numbers finally catch up with Savage though until Crush eliminates him with ease. Doink is #14 and he gets beaten up as well but not tossed. Here’s his big rival Bam Bam Bigelow at #15 and it’s 3-1 now. Bigelow easily thorws the clown out ala the Spike Dudley throw from ECW.

Mabel is #16 and dang there are some big guys in there. He goes right for Diesel in a terrifying preview of Summerslam 95. Mabel cleans house until Sparky Plugg (Bob Holly as a racecar driver and debuting here as a replacement for the 1-2-3 Kid) is #17. Shawn Michaels is #18 and stares down Diesel to start. Everyone gets on Diesel and Shawn gives the final push to eliminate him. Diesel gets a VERY audible ovation and chant as he leaves.

Mo, Mabel’s totally useless partner, is #19. Nothing of note happens so here’s Greg Valentine in a one night only appearance at #20. Mabel misses a charge in the corner and Shawn is gorilla pressed by Crush but not eliminated for some reason. Tatanka comes in at #21. To recap we’ve got Plugg, Valentine, Tatanka, Mabel, Bigelow, Crush, Michaels and Mo in there. Valentine puts Michaels on the apron but can’t get him out.

Kabuki is #22 and almost everyone gangs up on Mabel to dump him out. It’s amazing how much easier it is to see with the big fat purple tub of goo out of there. Lex Luger (looking FINE after that attack like 15 minutes ago) is #23 and he cleans house. There are ten people in the ring right now but there goes Kabuki at the hands of Lex. Luger clotheslines Bigelow down and here’s Tenryu at #24.

There are WAY too many people in there right now. Like seriously, do we need FREAKING MO in there? Or Valentine? Those are bodies you could dump out and no one would care. Luger and Tenryu go at it as Shawn is almost dumped out. Bastion Booger is supposed to be #25 but he’s not here for some reason (Vince says it was supposed to be Bret Hart but more on that in a bit). I believe there are nine people in there at the moment so Booger not coming in was a good thing. Granted it was a good thing either way but you get the idea. Rick Martel is #26 and nothing happens.

For your big face pop of the match (other than Diesel): Bret Hart is #27 and limping very badly. Today, people would have a bandage on the knee and charge to the ring because modern wrestling is stupid. Fatu is #28 and DEAR FREAKING GOODNESS THROW SOMEONE OUT ALREADY! A bunch of guys team up and FINALLY throw Crush out as Marty Jannetty is #29. Naturally he goes right for Shawn and punches Shawn to the apron.

Adam Bomb is #30, giving us a ridiculous THIRTEEN FINAL PEOPLE in the Rumble. The final group is Bigelow, Sparky, Shawn, Mo (seriously, FREAKING MO?), Valentine, Tatanka, Luger, Tenryu, Martel, Hart, Fatu, Jannetty and Bomb. Bret saves Shawn (shocking I know) to dump out Sparky, thank goodness. Bret beats on everyone as we still need to get rid of more people. Everyone beats on everyone for awhile and nothing is happening. DiBiase: “The smart thing to do is go after Bret Hart’s knee.” Vince: “The smart thing to do is throw people out of the ring.” Did….did Vince just burn Ted Dibiase?

Martel dumps Valentine but is quickly dumped out by Tatanka. Luger throws out Bomb and Mo is FINALLY put out as well. Bigelow tosses Tatanka and Lex forearms Bam Bam out. Jannetty goes out to get us down to Luger, Hart, Fatu, Tenryu and Shawn. Tenryu rams Shawn and Fatu’s heads together which only hurts Shawn of course. Luger and Bret put out Tenryu and it’s Bret vs. Shawn (duh). Luger goes for Fatu’s head and gets superkicked for being stupid.

The heels put Luger on the apron but he fights them both off and clotheslines Fatu into a 360. Bret dumps Fatu and Luger dumps Shawn and we’re down to two. They slug it out and Luger picks up Bret, but they both fall out at the same time, giving us a double elimination to end the Rumble.

Rating: C+. This is a hard one to grade. The pacing is TERRIBLE with guys like Sparky Plugg and Mo staying in for over twenty minutes each, but the action is solid for the most part. The stuff with Diesel is excellent and it truly made him a star. The ending stuff once they got rid of about seven guys in 90 seconds was good too, but stuff in the middle didn’t work all that well.

Post match there’s a disagreement over who wins but both guys have their music played. This would lead to a somewhat complicated decision where there was a coin toss and two world title matches at Mania. This goes on for about eight minutes or so but it’s just the referees arguing and both guys saying they won. Replays don’t really show us anything either. They do a good job here of making it impossible to tell who won, unlike in 2005 when it was clear that one of them (I want to say Cena) hit first. They’re finally declared co-winners to end the show.

Overall Rating: C-. This show is one where it’s very hard to come up with an overall grade. I really liked the opener and the tag match and Rumble were both good, but when a show has what might be the dumbest moment in wrestling history (and that covers A LOT of stupid moments), it’s brought down a lot. Early 1994 was not a good time for the WWF but once they finally picked Bret as the guy, things got a lot better.

Ratings Comparison

Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Original: B

Redo: C+

Quebecers vs. Bret Hart/Owen Hart

Original: A+

Redo: B-

Razor Ramon vs. IRS

Original: C+

Redo: D+

Yokozuna vs. Undertaker

Original: F

Redo: F

Royal Rumble

Original: B

Redo: C+

Overall Rating

Original: B

Redo: C-

DANG I liked this show a lot better on the first viewing.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/13/royal-rumble-count-up-1994/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

 

 

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Apparently he was experiencing chest pains and vomiting.  He has since been released but doesn’t look like he’ll be doing Raw tonight.  Reports indicate that this wasn’t as bad as it sounded.

XWF Episode #1
Date: November 13, 2001
Location: Universal Studios, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Jerry Lawler
Hosts: Jimmy Hart, Brian Knobbs

This is another one I doubt you’ve heard of. Basically about seven months after WCW and ECW folded, Jimmy Hart, Greg Valentine and Brian Knobbs signed up the talent to start a family friendly wrestling promotion to give the guys another place to work. They taped ten TV shows over a two day period but the shows never aired on TV due to Vince signing up a lot of the roster.

The World Wrestling All-Stars would take some of these guys before TNA became a real home for them. These matches are from a three disc DVD set called the Lost Episodes of the XWF. I believe these were supposed to be TV episodes but there’s a chance they’re just random matches thrown together with other clips edited in to add a story. It could be interesting though so let’s get to it.

Before anyone asks, the X stands for either the X-Factor of wrestling, Xcitement or Xtreme depending on who you ask. Also yes, this is the same arena that TNA uses as the Impact Zone.

Since this is a DVD release, Brian Knobbs and Jimmy Hart tell us the company’s backstory. They emphasize that the company was never meant to compete with the WWE but rather to offer an alternative. Their motto was No More Prima Donnas, so they immediately went after Hulk Hogan.

Hulk Hogan is excited to be here and rips his shirt off to prove it.

After a generic rock song intro, Gene Okerlund talks to us about how exciting this is.

Tony introduces us to Jerry Lawler as his surprise commentary partner. The Jerry Lawler Fan Club sign over Tony’s shoulder kind of spoiled things.

The production values are somewhere between mediocre and good with a well built stage but bad lighting.

An old looking Okerlund is in the ring to introduce CEO Rena Mero (Sable) who is nearly falling out of her low cut dress. She gives us the usual WE ARE THE FUTURE AND ALL ABOUT THE WRESTLERS speech that every wrestling promotion gives on its first show. Sable is glad to be here but the board has decided we need a commissioner: Roddy Piper.

We get Piper’s traditional over the top speech about how many of his friends have been ruined by this business and how glad he is that this place is about the wrestlers. We hear about some of the stars of this place: Jimmy Snuka and Greg Valentine. This is going to be a LONG night isn’t it? Piper is glad to have a beautiful lady working with him. She can deal with the money while he deals with the wrestlers. It’s an independence day for wrestling.

Gene Simmons of KISS is with the Demon of WCW 2000 fame. Ok then.

Big Vito vs. Buff Bagwell

The first bell rings nearly fifteen minutes into this show. Before the match we get comments from the Nasty Boys: “We’re back!” End of comments. Vito jumps Bagwell to start as Tony confirms this is the debut TV episode (which never aired). Bagwell escapes some choking to come back with armdrags and dropkicks. At least we have a somewhat clear face.

The fans think Bagwell sucks though so who knows what’s going on here. Vito comes back with a boot to the face and a side slam for two but Buff scores with right hands and a backdrop. Bagwell responds to the chants and basically does a mid-match heel turn which isn’t something you see that often. The Blockbuster is broken up with an old fashioned crotching to set up a Vito superplex for two. Not that it matters as the Blockbuster connects for the pin for Buff a few seconds later.

Rating: D. This immediately shows the problem with shows like this (aside from the match being Buff Bagwell vs. Big Vito of course): there’s no story, meaning the match is just two guys doing moves to each other for four minutes. The crowd reactions were interesting as the fans decided they liked Vito instead of Bagwell, but they weren’t enough to make me care about a boring match.

A bunch of cruiserweights go to Roddy Piper’s office and want a chance. Their chance is in a battle royal (with pins and submissions) tonight to become the first Cruiserweight Champion. Great to see those little guys getting their shot.

Marty Jannetty vs. Hail

Hale is a big muscular guy that hung around WCW for years but never did anything. Hail shoves him around to start, hits a weak backbreaker and drops a leg for the pin in less than two minutes.

Maximum Force (Simon and Swinger with Dawn Marie from ECW) will be in our face.

Drezden is coming.

Horace Hogan vs. Ian Harrison

Harrison is a huge muscle guy (notice a theme tonight?) from England. Horace pounds away in the corner but can’t whip him across the ring. Harrison comes back with a powerslam (by a strong guy from Leeds, England who comes out to Rule Britannia? They’re not even hiding the stolen ideas now) and some shots to the head. A bad looking overhead suplex sets up a triangle choke to make Horace tap out.

Johnny B. Badd is back. Egads they thought this was going to be a big deal?

Jimmy Hart and Brian Knobbs hype up the battle royal.

Cruiserweight Title: Battle Royal

Psychosis, Billy Fives, AJ Styles, Juventud Guerrera, Tongan Prince, Quick Kick, Kid Kash, Christopher Daniels

No one gets an entrance and you can be eliminated by pinfall, submission or over the top. Tongan Prince is Prince Iaukea and Quick Kick is Low Ki (they might as well have just called him that all the time. It makes more sense). Daniels has short blonde hair here. It’s a big brawl to start with everyone going after everyone and Tony having no idea who half of these guys are. Styles dumps Billy Fives as Josh Matthews (yes THAT Josh Matthews) is sitting in the crowd. Psychosis is dumped and AJ is LAUNCHED over the top onto Psychosis and Fives.

Low Ki hits some loud kicks to Kash’s head as Daniels kicks Iaukea down in the corner. They trade off with Kash and Low Ki going up top, only to miss stereo dives and collide (kind of) in midair. Daniels and Iaukea try to get in cheap shots but clothesline each other down. Low Ki misses a charge and eliminates himself before Kash (Krash according to Tony) hurricanranas Iaukea out. Kash’s tornado DDT mostly doesn’t connect but it staggers Daniels enough that Kash can hit a springboard kick to eliminate him for the title.

Rating: D. If you ever want an example of a spot fest, this is where you would look. Nothing more to say than that.

Kash invites Josh Matthews to hang out with him in the back. This was right after Matthews had lost the inaugural Tough Enough.

Alice Cooper likes the XWF.

There are XWF Girls. Ok then.

Nasty Boys vs. Shane Twins

You might remember the Shane Twins as the Gymini from 2006 Smackdown. If not, picture twin Rybacks named Todd and Mike. What appears to be a 350lb or so Sags elbows Todd into the Pit Stop from Knobbs. Todd comes back with some suplexes before tagging in Mike. A double flapjack gets two on Knobbs and everything breaks down. Sags is sent to the floor as Knobbs beats on Mike in the corner, only to charge into a clothesline to give the Shanes what is supposed to be an upset win.

The Road Warriors come out to chase the Nastys off and issue them a challenge.

Jim Duggan is on Willie Nelson’s tour bus….and that’s all for that scene.

Vampiro talks about getting shortchanged over the years.

Vampiro vs. Curt Hennig

Hennig has an agent by the name of Bobby Heenan, who does Curt’s entrance as only he could. Vampiro hits a quick kick to the chest to start and follows Hennig into the corner with a clothesline. Heenan talks to his client on the floor and it’s Curt coming back with knee lifts and chops in the ring. The neck snap keeps Vampiro in trouble but he comes back with a belly to back suplex and a top rope spinwheel kick for two. Heenan loads up a foreign object but Piper is out maybe half a second later to take it away and blast Hennig. The Nail in the Coffin ends Hennig in less than three minutes.

Sable, Piper and Vampiro pose to end the show.

Knobbs and Hart dedicate the show to the late Hennig and Hawk. Egads what a horrid tribute.

Overall Rating: D-. Oh this is bad. I understand what they were going for here but it bombed badly. This is something that might possibly have a chance of surviving in modern times with video on demand or a DVD release, but having all these guys who were way past their primes at this point with not great production values wasn’t going to work. The longest match was maybe five minutes long and there were no stories anywhere in sight until the very end. I’d give this promotion a month if this had been the pilot episode, but maybe the next two will get better.

 

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Tag Team Tournament
Date: January 3, 2014
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz

We’re back with another of these shindigs though I have less faith in this one than in last month’s World Cup of Wrestling. I really don’t think I can make this any clearer than the title has already done. It’s just a tag team tournament to decide the BEST TEAM EVER in TNA, even though America’s Most Wanted isn’t here, making the whole thing inaccurate from the get go. Let’s get to it.

The opening video talks about the basic idea and lists off the teams in the tournament. Here are the brackets:

Hot Shots/Aces and 8’s

Magnus/Samoa Joe

British Invasion

Austin Aries/Bobby Roode

Petey Williams/Sonjay Dutt/Generation Me

Team 3D

Chavo Guerrero/Hernandez

Bad Influence

Petey Williams/Sonjay Dutt vs. Generation Me and Hot Shots vs. Aces and 8’s are play in matches. Much like the X-Travaganza show missing AJ Styles, no James Storm on this show with any of his three tag title partners (to be fair he and Gunner hadn’t teamed up when this was taped) makes this feel incomplete.

We’ll be having highlight packages of all of the teams throughout the night. Up first are Petey Williams and Sonjay Dutt, who from what I can find have been a two man team three times ever: Tonight, the X-Travaganza One Night Only show and an Impact in 2008. There’s no narration or anything and it’s just highlights.

Generation Me’s video is set to the old WWF Hardy Boys theme song. I wasn’t a huge Hardys fan, but this team couldn’t hold the Hardys’ drugs/extra helping of fried lard, let alone lace their boots.

Tag Team Tournament Play-In: Petey Williams/Sonjay Dutt vs. Generation Me

I can never remember which is Jeremy and which is Max. Then again I could never remember which Hardy was which at first so maybe they’re more comparable than I thought. Dutt starts with a headlock on let’s say Jeremy and gets a Let’s Go Senshi chant. Jeremy comes back with a Sin Cara armdrag out of the corner and a double seated dropkick puts Dutt down again. Sonjay tags in Petey to speed things up with a dropkick to Max’s back. Everything breaks down and the non-brothers are both knocked to the floor. A headscissors from Jeremy sends Sonjay into a Max dropkick for two in a nice double team.

It’s Dutt in trouble now as the crowd is trying to get into this. The Bucks work on the arm for a bit before Max hooks a chinlock. Sonjay fights up and tags in Petey to clean house again with a slingshot Codebreaker and a running knee to take the Bucks down. A spin into a Russian legsweep gets two on Max but Jeremy breaks up the Canadian Destroyer attempt. Sonjay comes back in with a springboard double dropkick for two as the cameraman is taken down.

Jeremy gets caught in the corner for some fast tagging by Williams and Dutt. Petey gets caught in a bulldog out of the corner and it’s hot tag to Max. Dutt gets taken down by a CM Punk running knee/bulldog out of the corner as everything breaks down. Jeremy dives through the ropes to take Petey down on the floor as Sonjay gets two off the standing Sliced Bread.

Petey comes back in for another Russian legsweep on Max but Jeremy superkicks him down. More Bang For Your Buck (fireman’s carry slam by Jeremy into a 450 by Max into a moonsault from Jeremy) gets two on Sonjay as Petey makes the save and hits the Canadian Destroyer on Max, only to have Jeremy kick Williams in the face for the pin.

Rating: C. Take four guys, let them do high spots on each other for eight minutes, listen to the crowd cheer for them. The match was nothing great but there were some nice high spots to wake the crowd up. Petey was the best guy out there as Sonjay looked slow and the Bucks were their usual sloppy selves.

Highlight package on the Hot Shots, an old team of Chase Stevens and Cassidy Riley, who never went anywhere and are here so TNA can talk about the past. They’re another team that could have been left out of this to keep it at eight teams but we need to fill time since having matches go longer is just crazy.

Video on Garrett Bischoff/Wes Brisco turning on Angle to join Aces and 8’s.

Tag Team Tournament First Round: Hot Shots vs. Aces and 8’s

It’s Garrett and Brisco in case that wasn’t clear. The fans are behind the Hot Shots as Tazz turns into the Aces and 8’s cheerleader that annoyed the Impact audience for months. Stevens cranks on Wes’ arm to start before it’s off to Cassidy as Tenay tries to convince us to care about Wes because of his family tree. Off to Garrett who gets armdragged down as the announcers completely ignore the match to talk about Eric Bischoff.

Stevens gets two off a front suplex and a legdrop to Garrett before bringing Cassidy back in. Cassidy gets caught by the bikers and choked against the ropes as the announcers try to find something to talk about here. Garrett gets two off a suplex and it’s back to Brisco for a chinlock. Taz gets the Aces and 8’s confused by calling Bischoff Brisco by mistake.

Wes comes back in for a chinlock as Tenay rips on Taz for his mistake. Cassidy finally fights up with a clothesline to put both guys down as we’re now discussing a referee’s spelling abilities. Chase gets the hot tag and everything breaks down until Stevens is left alone. Brisco distracts him from the apron, allowing Bischoff to hit Stevens low for the pin.

Rating: D. This was another match that didn’t need to exist. The Hot Shots could have been any two guys thrown together and it wouldn’t have mattered at all. On top of that, the commentary was even worse than usual. Even they were making it clear that there was no need for this match to happen and that there was nothing to it. That’s a really bad sign and doesn’t make me want to watch the rest of the show.

We now have our first rounds set.

Aces and 8’s

Samoa Joe/Magnus

Austin Aries/Bobby Roode

British Invasion

Generation Me

Aces and 8’s

Chavo Guerrero Jr./Hernandez

Bad Influence

Highlights on the British Invasion, comprised of Douglas Williams and Rob Terry tonight.

The Brits say they’ll win.

Video on Austin Aries and Bobby Roode, who were a team for how long? Three months? To be fair though they were champions when this was taped.

Tag Team Tournament First Round: Bobby Roode/Austin Aries vs. British Invasion

Roode poses to start in an effort to make fun of Terry. Aries and Williams get us going and lock up about 90 seconds after the bell. Austin bails to the corner to keep the stalling intact before Williams shoves Aries into the corner. We’re about three minutes into the match when Aries takes him to the mat for the first time. Terry comes in to chase Aries and Roode to the floor where they mock his physique again.

Back in and it’s off to Roode as we’re still killing time. Roode does his posing again but backs away from a test of strength. Terry finally gets bored and beals Bobby across the ring before bringing Williams back in. The Brits start working on Bobby’s arm before Douglas drops a knee for two. Aries’ knee drop to break up the cover hits Roode by mistake but he manages to shove Williams off the top to take over. Taz names the Brits the Yiddish Invasion for no apparent reason.

Aries takes over with an armbar on Williams as the fans try to clap him back to his feet. Back to Bobby who wraps the arm around the post before choking on the ropes. We actually get some insight from Taz as he calls Roode and Aries a modern day Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson. I wouldn’t go that far but it’s the closest thing to intelligence that we’ll get from him all night.

Williams finally blocks a charging Roode in the corner and takes him down with a middle rope European uppercut. Hot tag brings in Terry who shrugs off Aries’ forearms to the chest. Rob catches Aries in midair and kicks Roode down before dropping Austin on Roode for two. Terry tags Williams back in but gets taken down by a missile dropkick from Aries. Roode gets in a cheap shot to Williams and Crossfaces him for the win.

Rating: C. Match of the night so far and that’s not saying much at all. It’s still not a great match or even a very good one but it followed a formula and had clear cut heels and faces, putting it ahead of the first two matches. Aries and Roode worked well together, which is likely why they were split up so fast.

Video on Chavo Guerrero/Hernandez. Blast it I was hoping to avoid them on this show. Well any show actually.

We go straight from a boring team to one of the most entertaining I can remember in a long time: Bad Influence. Again, it shows the power of letting funny people be funny instead of writing lines to make unfunny people try to sound funny.

Bad Influence says Dixie’s trickle down of disrespect continues by making them be in a tournament instead of just naming them the best tag team ever. Daniels says this show should be called Foregone Conclusion because no one is better than they are. Tonight Chavo and Shawn are first but certainly not last.

Tag Team Tournament First Round: Bad Influence vs. Chavo Guerrero/Hernandez

Chavo and Daniels get things going by circling each other until Daniels hugs Kaz. There’s no contact a minute into the match. Now Chavo hugs the referee for no apparent reason before locking up with Daniels. Christopher demands and receives a clean break out of the corner. Hernandez bails to the floor instead of hugging Chavo so Daniels fires some shoulders into the corner. Chavo comes back with a series of backdrops but gets caught by the arm and dragged into the Bad Influence corner.

Kaz poses on the apron and thrusts the pelvis a bit before cranking on Chavo’s arm behind the referee’s back. Chavo can’t get over to Hernandez but reverses the armbar by Daniels and drags Daniels over to the Bad Influence corner where a not paying attention Kaz cranks on his partner’s arm by mistake. He sees Chavo and Hernandez on the floor and the wheels in his head slowly start to turn. This armbar is already more entertaining than most of the other matches tonight.

Chavo sneaks back in and uppercuts Daniels to take over before bringing in Hernandez for a bearhug into an overhead belly to belly suplex. Back to Chavo who allows a tag off to Kaz, who gets splashed by Hernandez for two. Chavo comes in again with a slingshot hilo and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two each on Kaz but a Daniels distraction lets Kazarian take over. Daniels comes back in for a front facelock before Kaz gets two off a slingshot legdrop. We hit the chinlock for a bit until Kaz lets go and hits a gorgeous dropkick for two. The announcers talk about the Guerrero Family as Chavo head fakes Kaz into a double clothesline to put both guys down.

Hernandez comes in to clean house with the big shoulder blocks but Kaz saves Daniels from the Border Toss. A missile dropkick sends SuperMex into Chavo for a tag and it’s Three Amigos time for Daniels. Kaz breaks up the Frog Splash attempt but Chavo kicks him down as Hernandez powerbombs Daniels. The second attempt at the Splash gets rid of the most interesting team in the tournament.

Rating: C+. Again, I rarely had a problem with Chavo and Hernandez between the ropes. They could have decent matches with the right opponents and Bad Influence would fit that description. As long as I don’t have to hear Chavo talk about his heritage I’m fine. Bad Influence deserves better, but that’s always the case.

Video on Samoa Joe and Magnus who were thrown together in a wild card tag team tournament and won the belts in a surprise. That’s about all for their story.

Tag Team Tournament First Round: Samoa Joe/Magnus vs. Aces and 8’s

Bischoff starts with Joe and is immediately caught in a wristlock and armbar. Garrett gets to the ropes twice in a row as we’re still firmly in first gear. The Aces finally get Joe into their corner for some double teaming, only to have Wes get punched away with ease. Off to Magnus for some right hands and a clothesline before Joe comes back in with a backsplash.

The bikers double team Joe down again by taking out his knee, allowing Garrett to use his wide array of knee drops. Back to Brisco for a leg lock before Garrett comes in for some right hands. Joe casually stands up and stares at Bischoff but a kick to the leg puts him down again. A t-bone suplex puts Bischoff down again and it’s hot tag to the Brit to clean house. Magnus gets two on Bischoff off a suplex before the enziguri into the snapmare into the top rope elbow are enough to end Brisco.

Rating: D. The result was what you would expect from two world champions with chemistry against two unproven goons. This was just a step above a squash but at least the horrible team is gone. I’m glad they kept this short at least because I can only take so much Bischoff and Brisco at once.

Generation Me says they’ll beat Team 3D.

Speaking of Team 3D, here’s their highlight video.

Tag Team Tournament First Round: Team 3D vs. Generation Me

This is a match I didn’t think I’d ever see and I was glad about that. The former Dudleys go right after Generation Me to start and the beating is on fast. Dropkicks have little effect on the bikers and they easily slam the smaller guys down. We start with D-Von vs. Max as the domination continues. A powerslam gets two on Max as Tazz is loving this stuff. Off to Bully who shrugs off right hands and shoves Max into the 3D corner.

Ray snaps off headbutts to the chest and follows them with a hard chop as this has been one sided so far. Max finally gets over for a tag to Jeremy who walks into a great looking big boot to stop any momentum he had. We hit the neck crank for a bit before D-Von comes in to clothesline the freshly tagged Max inside out. There’s another chinlock as this squash goes on a bit longer. D-Von charges into a boot in the corner but clotheslines Max’s head into Tampa Bay. Ray: “MY BROTHER JUST CLOTHESLINED YOUR HEAD OFF!”.

Ray comes in with a backdrop and knocks Jeremy into the barricade. Tazz pines for ECW for a bit until D-Von misses a middle rope headbutt. A hot tag brings in Jeremy to clean house for a bit until a double superkick puts D-Von down. Ray breaks up a cover and punches Max’s head off. Team 3D collides in the middle of the ring and the Bucks (Generation Me’s indy name) hit stereo missile dropkicks. That’s their highlight though as Max walks into 3D for the pin.

Rating: D+. I’m an old Dudley Boys fan and I’ve never liked Generation Me so this was a fun match. It wasn’t interesting for the most part but I could watch Bully kick little guys’ heads off all day. There was no way you could have the Bucks put up a legitimate fight here so the squash was the right path to take.

Post match Ray threatens to slap So Cal Val around if she doesn’t bring him the mic like she should. “Now go do my dishes like a feeble woman.” Ray gets in an argument with an old lady at ringside and says some woman is so ugly that he wouldn’t even let D-Von sleep with her. Jeremy Borash is in the aisle but Ray stops him by threatening to sleep with him. The look of shock and horror on Borash’s face is beyond description. Ray lists off Team 3D’s accomplishments and promises to win. D-Von loads up the TESTIFY line but Ray wants to say it instead. “Nah it’s your line you say it.” These guys have pure chemistry.

Here are the updated brackets:

Samoa Joe/Magnus

Austin Aries/Bobby Roode

Team 3D

Chavo Guerrero/Hernandez

We recap how we got to the semi-finals to kill some time.

Joe and Magnus say never say never about their chances.

Tag Team Tournament Semi-Finals: Samoa Joe/Magnus vs. Austin Aries/Bobby Roode

This has a lot of potential. The heels are skeptical about getting into the ring until it’s Magnus vs. Roode. The fans chant for Beer Money and think that the Cowboy is better. Bobby grabs a wristlock to start but Magnus counters into a hammerlock. A shoulder block puts Roode down and it’s off to Joe for an atomic drop and backsplash. Magnus and Joe take out Aries as well as this is one sided so far.

Aries finally comes back with an elbow to the back of Joe’s head as Tazz reminisces about doing commentary with Mike Adamle. Magnus gets choked against the ropes and forearmed in the chest before it’s off to Roode. The announcers FINALLY talk about the match instead of explaining the Bolo Punch. Aries goes after the Brit’s knee with a chop block and a cannonball before it’s off to Roode for some stomping.

A top rope knee to Magnus’ knee gets two for Aries before the heels do some classic cheating with Roode giving extra leverage. Roode misses a middle rope knee drop and it’s hot tag to Joe. The Samoan cleans house and the good guys hit their finishing sequence on Aries, only to have Roode pull the referee out. Aries loads up a foreign object to blast Joe in the head for the pin.

Rating: C+. Match of the night so far but that’s not saying much at all. As is always the case with these shows, the match would have been way better with more time, but for some reason no matches on these shows can go longer than thirteen minutes. This was entertaining while it lasted but they had to rush to the finish instead of letting the match get there on its own.

Chavo and Hernandez say JB just found the best tag team in TNA history when he started talking to them. Team 3D will be Team 3-No Mas when they get done with them.

Tag Team Tournament Semi-Finals: Team 3D vs. Chavo Guerrero/Hernandez

Ray gets in an argument with a kid on his way to the ring. I miss old school heel work like that. Bully brings in a chair but Hebner takes it away from him. “IF I CAN’T USE MY CHAIR, HE CAN’T USE A CHIMICHANGA OR A BURRITO!” D-Von and Chavo circle each other to start until Chavo sends him to the floor for more stalling. It’s off to Bully who gets caught in a Guerrero headlock but Ray clotheslines his head off to take over.

D-Von comes back in but gets forearmed into the good guy corner for a tag off to Hernandez. A Stinger Splash in the corner gets two but D-Von jacks his jaw to take over. It’s back to Bully for some loud chops followed by D-Von with a front facelock. Hernandez easily drives him into the corner for the tag to Chavo as the match keeps meandering along.

Bully comes back in to send Hernandez into the corner and slap on a bearhug. SuperMex gets up top but Ray chops him down, setting up a D-Von superplex for two. Hernandez hits a quick shoulder for the not hot tag to Chavo for some house cleaning. Everything breaks down and Chavo has to roll through the Frog Splash, only to walk into the 3D for the pin.

Rating: D+. This was another match that never took off at all and felt like it rushed to the ending, though it wasn’t as bad as the previous match. At least we don’t have to listen to another promo from Chavo about the Guerrero Spirit or whatever else he wants to say that makes people think of Eddie.

We recap the semi-finals.

Aries and Roode drink coffee and water while talking about what a toll tournament take on their bodies. They may not have Team 3D’s experience, but they know each other as well as you can. Roode says they’re two of the best in the world today and that means they can beat any team.

Team 3D talks about beating two teams and having one win left. They run down the two teams they already beat and promise that Aries and Roode will take a 3D of their own.

Tag Team Tournament Finals: Team 3D vs. Austin Aries/Bobby Roode

This gets the big match intros as more time is killed. For some reason the lights have been turned off and there are only spotlights on the ring. Ray takes the mic from JB to make sure the intro is perfect, despite having a bit of a disagreement over how much they weigh. He challenges Aries to do a better intro if he can, leading to a weight dispute between the other team as well. Aries of course mentions beating Roode for the title before saying they don’t need a team name because they’re just that great.

The match starts with a brawl on the floor as the fans aren’t sure who to cheer for here. Who thought heel vs. heel was a good idea here? Aries takes over on Bully while D-Von and Roode stagger around ringside. D-Von is sent into the barricade as Aries hits an ax handle from the apron to Bully. Ray comes back with a low chop to take Austin down while D-Von chokes Aries against the post.

The pairings switch off and Aries takes over on D-Von. No one has actually been in the ring yet. Ray chases Hebner with a chain before bringing Aries inside for What’s Up, only to have Roode make the save. Aries gets in a low blow to Ray as we finally have some starters. Roode comes in to stomp on Ray’s ankle before Aries comes in for a top rope knee drop. A Hennig neck snap puts Ray into the wrong corner but he chops Aries from his knees.

Aries puts on a front facelock as the fans still aren’t sure who to cheer for here. They pick Ray at the moment, even though he’s the top heel in the company. Ray makes the tag to D-Von but a Roode distraction means it doesn’t count. Roode comes back in for a chinlock but Ray belly to backs his way out. Aries stomps away in the corner as the announcers talk about Howard Stern and Jesse Ventura running for President.

Ray fights up and collides with Roode, setting up the ice cold tag to D-Von. He cleans house for a few seconds before Aries and Roode double team him down. Aries loads up the foreign object but hits Roode by mistake, setting up the 3D for the pin. Tenay of course acts like this is the least interesting thing ever.

Rating: D+. The match wasn’t bad but the booking made next to no sense. Ray spent his previous two matches being the biggest jerk he could possibly be but we’re supposed to cheer for his team in the finals? The logical move would have been to put Joe and Magnus over by DQ or countout to protect the champions and give us a basic heel vs. face final, but instead they went with this and the crowd didn’t know what to do. The lighting was weird too.

A four and a half minute recap closes the show.

Overall Rating: D. This show wasn’t horrible but something even worse: boring. There’s just nothing to see here and the best match is decent at best. The lack of James Storm and the illogical booking of the main event didn’t help anything either. It felt like no one cared here and no one put in any effort, making this to be the least interesting of the entire series so far.

Results

Generation Me b. Sonjay Dutt/Petey Williams – Spinning kick to Williams’ head

Aces and 8’s b. Hot Shots – Low blow to Stevens

Austin Aries/Bobby Roode b. British Invasion – Crossface to Williams

Chavo Guerrero/Hernandez b. Bad Influence – Frog Splash to Daniels

Samoa Joe/Magnus b. Aces and 8’s – Top rope elbow to Brisco

Team 3D b. Generation Me – 3D to Max

Austin Aries/Bobby Roode b. Samoa Joe/Magnus – Aries hit Joe with a foreign object

Team 3D b. Chavo Guerrero/Hernandez – 3D to Guerrero

Team 3D b. Austin Aries/Bobby Roode – 3D to Aries

 

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Royal Rumble 1993
Date: January 24, 1993
Location: ARCO Arena, Sacramento, California
Attendance: 16,000
Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan

This is a pretty forgotten show for reasons that should be obvious. First of all, this is 1993, one of the worst years in company history from a creative standpoint. Bret is defending the title against Razor Ramon (his only world title shot ever) and we’ve got the Rumble for the title shot at Wrestlemania for the first time. I don’t know if that’s official here, but the winner did indeed get the shot at the biggest show of the year. Let’s get to it.

Historical note: this is 13 days after the debut of Monday Night Raw.

Steiner Brothers vs. Beverly Brothers

For you ECW freaks, Bill Alfonzo is the referee. Scott and I think Blake start things off. This is the Steiners’ first major match and the fans seem to love them right off the bat. Scott immediately takes him to the mat with a top wristlock, causing Blake to freak out with a claim of tights being pulled. That sequence worked so well that they do it again. Heenan is very excited about the debut of Narcissist, which is Lex Luger as a guy obsessed with his muscles. In other words, Lex Luger debuts tonight.

After Blake stalls some more, here’s Beau to taunt the not legal Rick. There’s the tag to Rick who chases Beau around and hits Blake in the process. A powerslam puts Rick down and I don’t think Gorilla knows which Beverly is which. Since this is a Steiners match, it’s time for suplexes! Scott nearly kills Beau with a belly to belly and everything breaks down for a bit, allowing the Beverlies to take over on Scotty.

We get into a standard formula with Scott having his back worked on by both villains. Blake chokes with a tag rope in the corner for two. Heenan: “Gotta hook the tights.” Gorilla: “WHAT?” I love how shocked he sounds every time Heenan says something like that. Beau puts on a Boston Crab but Scott easily pushes out of it. Blake blocks a tag and let’s make sure that we’re LIVE still. What was WWF’s obsession with that?

Scott avoids an elbow drop but Blake breaks up the hot tag again. The crowd is silent when the Beverlies are on offense. Scott comes back with a butterfly powerbomb to put Blake down and Scott actually dives through the ropes and tags at the same time. Rick cleans house and there are Steiner Lines for both Beverlies. Scott pounds on Blake in the corner and counters a Doomsday Device with a victory roll for two. The Frankensteiner to Beau gets the pin.

Rating: D+. Pretty dull match here as the Steiners were clearly going to dominate the entire time. The Beverlies never got above lower midcard status and their biggest feud was against the Bushwhackers. What were you going to expect them to do against the freaking STEINER BROTHERS? Nothing here but a squash.

We recap the Rockers’ time together and their split. If my eyesight is correct, you can see Shane Douglas as a jobber. After the Barber Shop incident, Jannetty was out for months. He finally returned on Superstars, setting up the match tonight for Shawn’s Intercontinental Title. During his return, Jannetty accidentally hit Sheri with a mirror, which is important to know for the match.

Intercontinental Title: Marty Jannetty vs. Shawn Michaels

Sherri is at ringside with the question being who would she side with? Why would she side with Marty anyway? I never got that. Apparently it’s because Shawn never called her while she was in the hospital….which she was in because of Marty. So why would she ever go with Jannetty? Apparently Jannetty was drunk during this match. That might make things a bit funnier if nothing else.

Jannetty controls to start, sending Shawn to the floor twice with a knee lift and a clothesline. Marty punches Shawn down on the floor and poses in the ring. He tries a punch off the top but gets caught in the ribs on the way down. Shawn loads Marty up on his shoulder and in one of the only times I can ever remember it working, rams Marty shoulder first into the post.

The champ rams the other shoulder into the post because he hit the right one the first time, and you just don’t do that. Back in and Shawn hits a shoulderbreaker before sending Marty to the floor again. Back in and the shoulder goes into the buckle, followed by a double ax right down onto it as well. We hit the armbar but Marty fights out quickly. He tries a comeback but walks into a DDT on the arm for two.

Quick sidebar: why is that move called a single arm DDT? It’s a hold used on the arm, but the double arm DDT is used to hurt the head. Also a regular DDT uses just one arm, so why is this called a single arm DDT instead of the regular one? These are the kinds of things I think about when I’m bored by a match.

Anyway, Shawn does the always stupid looking jump into the boot spot. I mean he jumped RIGHT AT Marty’s feet. What could he possibly have been trying there? Marty avoids a charge in the corner, sending Shawn’s shoulder into the post instead. Marty speeds things up and pounds away, only to have Shawn slingshot him out to the floor. Shawn goes to pick him up but Marty suplexes him out to the floor.

Sherri finally does something by slapping Shawn, who gets belly to back suplexed into the ring. Shawn gets launched to the floor again as the pace picks up a bit. A powerslam puts the champ down but Shawn avoids the top rope punch. Marty stops himself before crashing and gets two off a DDT. Shawn misses a superkick and gets caught by one of his own for two. The crowd is getting into this.

Marty slingshots Shawn so he gets to do his big bump onto the post. There goes the referee via an elbow to the face and Sherri comes in. She swings her shoe but hits Marty by mistake of course. Shawn yells at her a lot and then superkicks Marty in the chest for the pin to retain.

Rating: C+. This started slow, picked up a good bit during Marty’s comeback, and then had a horribly uninteresting ending. Seriously, that’s it? These two would have a rematch soon after on Raw which won Match of the Year in a contest for least bad match of the year for all intents and purposes.

In the back, Gene yells at Sherri to calm down. Marty comes to the back for some more brawling.

Heenan and Gorilla argue a bit.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Big Boss Man

Bigelow jumps Boss Man in the corner to start and Boss is in trouble early. He gets whipped into the corner and a Bigelow forearm knocks him to the outside. This is one of those “do one move then stand around for awhile” matches. Boss Man comes back with some clotheslines and some punches to the “face” in the corner. Another right hand and a bulldog puts Bigelow down but Boss Man’s charge is countered by a backdrop to the floor.

Off to a body vice by Bigelow which is a rather dull move as usual. A hot shot puts Boss Man down for two and some shots to his back keeps him down. We hit the body vice again but Boss Man comes back with a suplex. It hurts him more than Bigelow though, as Bam is up first. Boss Man starts his real comeback with a punch to the face and a running crotch attack to Bigelow’s back. Bigelow gets a boot up in the corner and clotheslines Boss Man down. The flying headbutt gets the pin.

Rating: D. This was pure filler and not even entertaining filler. Bigelow was on the rise at this point while Boss Man would be gone in less than two months. On top of that, the match was really dull with Bigelow laying around and working on Boss Man’s back most of the time, which doesn’t make for an interesting match at all.

We get a clip from WWF Mania (Saturday morning show) of Razor beating up Owen to hype the world title match.

Razor says he’s got gold around his fingers and neck and now he wants it around his waist.

Bret says he’s ready.

WWF World Title: Razor Ramon vs. Bret Hart

Feeling out process to start with Razor getting the early advantage with some right hands. A knee in the corner misses and Bret has on the Figure Four in less than 90 seconds. Razor gets the rope so Bret drops elbows on the knee instead. The leg gets wrapped around the post before Bret goes after the other leg in the corner for some reason. Ramon comes back with a whip to send Bret ribs first into the post.

Now we get to the best part of any Bret Hart match: him getting the tar beaten out of him. Some backbreakers on the floor keep Bret down and we head inside again. Razor pounds on the ribs some more and hits the fallaway slam for two. Helen Hart (Bret’s mom) is in the front row. There’s the chest first into the buckle bump from Bret for two more and it’s off to the abdominal stretch, another Razor trademark.

As always, Bret reverses Hall’s hold into one of his own before getting hiptossed over. Bret is sent to the floor on a kickout and gets two on a sunset flip. We hit the reverse chinlock by Razor, followed quickly by a bearhug. Bret bites his way out of it and sends Razor to the outside in a quick move. The champion follows it up with a suicide dive and the comeback is on.

Bret pounds away in the corner over and over as we hit the brawl. For a guy known as a technical master, Bret brawled an awful lot. Not that he’s bad at it or anything but it happens really often. There are the Five Moves of Doom but Razor gets to the rope before the Sharpshooter is on. The second attempt doesn’t work either as Razor pulls the referee into a pile with the two of them.

Ramon goes right back to the ribs and Bret’s momentum is stopped dead. A belly to back superplex is blocked by Bret into a belly to back suplex for two for the champ. Razor clotheslines Bret down but Bret escapes the Razor’s Edge into a backslide for two. In a pretty awesome ending, Bret counters a test of strength into a sunset flip in a sweet flip counter, followed by grapevining the legs together on the mat and turning Razor over into the Sharpshooter for the submission.

Rating: B. Good http://modafinil200mg.net match here and again, why did Razor never get more title matches? I know he wasn’t the kind of guy to make the world champion, but are you telling me that when the company was falling apart at times they couldn’t throw him in there as a token challenger? I would have bought him as legit threat to any champion, but it never happened. I’ve never gotten that. Anyway, solid match here as you would expect from these two.

Heenan unveils Narcissist, which is Lex Luger in front of a bunch of mirrors. Lots of posing commences and Heenan sounds like he’s in love. Well at least extreme lust. Luger says he’ll be dominant. Not much here. A curtain is lowered over Luger and Heenan actually gets on his knees, begging to see more. I’ve heard of overtones but this is ridiculous.

Here are Caesar and Cleopatra to hype up Wrestlemania. They read a proclamation about it and this is really stupid.

Royal Rumble

Ric Flair is #1 and Bob Backlund, going through a career resurgence at the time, is #2. Backlund drops Flair with a shoulder and does his little dance. Flair pounds him into the corner but Bob backdrops him down. Papa Shango is #3 and is dumped out by Flair in less than thirty seconds. Backlund it sent to the apron and Flair stomps away. They chop it out until Ted DiBiase, I believe half of the tag champions here, is #4.

Heenan makes fun of Backlund as the double teaming ensues, prompting Gorilla to threaten to knock Bobby out. Backlund is beaten on even more until Brian Knobs is #5. The Nasties are good guys at this point and happen to be feuding with Money Inc. Guess who he starts swinging at. Knobs almost dumps Flair but only gets him to the apron. Things slow down for a bit until Virgil is #6. The faces team up to fight the heels as not a lot is going on at this point.

DiBiase tosses out Knobs and we’re down to four in the ring again. Here’s the pretty new Jerry Lawler at #7 in a HUGE cape. I think he’s a heel here but Flair grabs him for some chops almost immediately. Flair goes to the floor through the middle ropes so Virgil goes after Lawler. Flair gets back in and Jerry immediately goes after him. Oh never mind as Heenan is praising Lawler. He’s a heel alright.

Max Moon (presumably played by Konnan) is #8. He hits a few moves and is dumped by Lawler before anyone else shows up. Lawler’s attire is really intricate here with lots of writing on it instead of the usual two color design. I kind of like it for a change. Japanese legend Genichiro Tenryu is #9 and he starts a chop-off with Flair as you would expect them to do.

Things slow down a bit until Mr. Perfect is #9 at a full sprint. Heenan: “OH NO! OH DEAR GOD NO!!!” Perfect immediately goes after Flair so Ric goes to the top. There’s the slam off the top and the Hennig Neck Snap as Heenan is having a heart attack. We hear about the loser leaves the WWF match tomorrow on Raw between the two of them, which is a very rare match for some reason.

Skinner is #11 and he does nothing before Perfect shoves Flair out to a HUGE pop. Lawler (looking very different here for some reason that I can’t place) pounds away on Hennig as we’re back down to six people in there. That’s usually the right amount so thankfully they’ve gotten through the first third without things getting too hectic. Koko B. Ware and those big green pants of his are #12. Heenan: “Koko B. Ware could go to Wrestlemania to face Bret Hart. Gorilla: “What’s wrong with that?” Heenan: “IT SHOULD BE RIC FLAIR!!!”

Perfect dropkicks Skinner out and not a lot is going on again. Here’s Samu at #13, giving us a group of Backlund, DiBiase, Tenryu, Virgil, Perfect, DiBiase, Lawler and Ware. Lawler and Perfect keep going at it in a feud that could have been AMAZING in Memphis. Berzerker is #14 as we need to get rid of some people in there. Lawler misses a charging punch on Perfect and there he goes. With Perfect distracted, DiBiase and Ware team up (you’ll NEVER hear that again) to kick him out with an assist from Lawler. Virgil was thrown out during that melee, getting us down to just six again.

The Undertaker is #15 to a BIG pop. Gorilla calls him the odds on favorite. I’m not sure I’d go that far but whatever. Berzerker goes to the floor and beats up Backlund (not eliminated) with a chair. Taker puts Samu out and no sells a lot of Tenryu’s stuff before dumping him as well. We’ve got Backlund (mostly dead on the floor), Taker, Berzerker, DiBiase and Ware in at the moment. Terry Taylor (he still had a job at this point?) is in at #16 and he’s gone in less than thirty seconds thanks to DiBiase, as is Ware.

There’s a chokeslam to DiBiase and Taker dumps him, leaving Berzerker against Taker. In one of the biggest “oh great it’s this guy” moments ever, Giant Gonzales debuts as Taker dumps Berzerker. Gonzales, a legit 7’7 tall, stares down at Taker as Damien Demento (don’t ask) is #17. Gonzales chops Taker out for an illegal elimination. In case you’re not familiar, Gonzales is a monster who makes Great Khali look like Lou Thesz. Speaking of Khali, he was literally the same character as Gonzales in a repeat of the same exact story the Undertaker was involved in in 1992. In short, both of them sucked and were really tall.

Gonzales destroys Taker for a bit as Demento still won’t get in. IRS is #18 as the Giant is still beating up Taker. It’s IRS, Backlund and Demento at the moment with Taker out cold in the corner. Tatanka is #19 as Paul Bearer uses the Urn to revive Taker. This of course is all the fans focus on, making the match in the ring look even less interesting than it already is, which is saying a lot when you think about it. Lots of choking ensues until Jerry Sags is #20.

There is NOTHING going on here and I don’t think Typhoon at #21 is going to help things at all. Fatu is #22 and my goodness I have never heard more silence for an entrance. NOTHING is going on here and Earthquake is #23. He immediately goes after….Typhoon, his partner. They have a fat man brawl for a bit until Quake dumps him out. Carlos Colon, aged 44 and called a youngster by Monsoon is #24.

Colon dumps Demento as the eliminations are keeping the crowd on life support. Quake can’t put Backlund out as Tito Santana is #25. Fatu misses a charge at Backlund and eliminates himself. We’ve got Quake, Backlund, Santana, IRS, Tatanka, Colon and Sags in there at the moment. Rick Martel is #26 who is STILL feuding with Santana. Why did they never have a big match to blow off that feud? It went on for like four years or so.

Earthquake dumps IRS and now we get to the first interesting part of the match in WAY too long: Backlund is sent to the apron and the crowd collectively gasps until he gets back in. Gorilla actually swears at how big the reaction is. Yokozuna is #27 and it’s time to clear some space. Yoko and Tatanka chop it out and there goes the guy with red hair (figure out which is which).

Colon is out and it’s time for the fat man showdown with Quake vs. Yoko. They collide a few times and no one moves so Quake pounds him into the corner. Owen Hart is #28. Quake splashes Yoko in the corner but the second attempt misses. Yoko suplexes Quake out and that more or less seals the winner. Repo Man is #29 and is immediately dropped by Yoko. Everybody gangs up on Yoko and it doesn’t work at all.

Randy Savage is #30, giving us a final group of Savage, Yokozuna, Repo Man, Owen, Martel, Santana, Sags and Backlund. They’re not even trying to hide the winner at this point. Yoko dumps Tito as Owen dropkicks Sags out. Owen skins the cat to save himself before being dumped by Yoko and possibly injuring his knee. Repo is out and we’re down to four. Backlund actually picks up Martel to sit him on top and punches him out. The place is WAY into Backlund here, so he goes after Yoko. A pair of dropkick put Yoko against the ropes but Backlund charges into the elimination, drawing a standing ovation.

So it’s Savage vs. Yoko and the beating of the small man begins. Yoko flattens him over and over again until Savage fires off a bunch of kicks out of the corner. The fans are trying to get behind Savage and there’s a top rope ax handle. One to the back gets Yoko down to one knee. Uh…why would you want to knock a guy this big DOWN in a battle royal?

Either way he superkicks Savage to knock him down again and there’s the belly to belly. The legdrop crushes Savage but the Banzai Drop misses. In one of the STUPIDEST endings ever to the Rumble, Savage hits the elbow and COVERS, getting launched over the top rope on the kickout to send Yoko to Las Vegas for the title shot.

Rating: D. This was one of the worst Rumbles of all time. The main problem here is the period after Taker, the only guy you could actually see eliminating Yoko, was eliminated. From then until the time Backlund got close to the longevity record (which he got), there’s NOTHING. It’s a bunch of lame midcarders standing around lifting each others’ legs in the air. Why would I want to see that at all? Anyway, nothing to see here and a BAD Rumble.

Overall Rating: D+. There’s a reason no one cares at all about 1993 WWF: it’s really not very good. The title matches here aren’t bad but other than that, this show is pretty freaking terrible. The Rumble sucks the life out of the show, as the highlights are a two minute segment between Flair and Perfect and the Backlund part at the end. When the whole match is 65 minutes long, that doesn’t hold up. Weak show here.

Ratings Comparison

Steiner Brothers vs. Beverly Brothers

Original: C-

Redo: D+

Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty

Original: C

Redo: C+

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Big Boss Man

Original: D+

Redo: D

Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon

Original: B

Redo: B

Royal Rumble

Original: D+

Redo: D

Overall Rating

Original: D

Redo: D+

Not much change here.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/12/royal-rumble-count-up-1993/

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