This one belongs on the pre-show, for the sake of the entrances taking up too much time alone. At the moment there are a ton of jobbers filling out a lot of the spots, meaning this is about what you would expect from this kind of thing. At the moment there are twenty five entrants, though you can almost guarantee five more being added at minimum. As is so often the case, only a handful of them are realistic options.

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It’s a double feud match and there’s nothing wrong with that. The “205 Live” crew has taken a hit in recent weeks as there just isn’t much going on aside from whatever Neville is doing that week. However, there’s some hope in the Tozawa vs. Kendrick feud and Swann is still one of the most entertaining people on the roster so maybe he and Dar/Alicia Fox can do something entertaining soon enough.

As for the winners, I’ll take Swann pinning Dar but this isn’t a case where the winners really matter that much. This match is about getting the crowd ready for the show and the cruiserweights are some of the best possible options to do just that. It probably won’t be a classic or anything but it really doesn’t need to be, which is perfectly fine.

Cruiserweight Title: Neville vs. Jack Gallagher

We’ll stick with the cruiserweight them as Neville defends against his fellow countryman. Neville has turned into one of the best performers on the roster with this new King of the Cruiserweights character as he’s just channeling the hatred and anger so well. Gallagher is a scrappy guy who has looked very solid in the ring at times, though he’s much more over for his character and abilities with an umbrella.

That being said, I don’t buy Gallagher as having a chance in this one. Neville is just on a different level than anyone else in the division and Gallagher is only a step above a comedy character. In theory we’ll be seeing Austin Aries making his cruiserweight division debut and facing Neville for the title at “Wrestlemania XXXIII”, making this match little more than just a warmup for Neville.

Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax

This one depends on what you think they’re going to be doing later on in the show with Bayley vs. Charlotte. On paper, this seems to be a way to set up Banks’ heel turn on Bayley later in the night, which would suggest that Jax beats her and Banks gets upset that Bayley wasn’t there in her corner. This would certainly follow the theory that if you’re about to turn heel, you must lose every match beforehand.

Yeah Banks loses here and WWE continues to sit around wondering why the pops get weaker every time. In theory this helps to set up the four way at “Wrestlemania XXXIII” for the title but that means we have three heels and Bayley for the title. Banks seems primed for a heel turn and since WWE is rather odd at times (read as almost all the time), she’s likely to lose in a huge way on pay per view.

Tag Team Titles: Enzo Amore/Big Cass vs. Gallows and Anderson

Is anyone else starting to get a little tired of Amore’s schtick? He’s described himself as a heel character and it’s starting to show more and more. Unfortunately along with that goes a lot of the spark the team has to offer, which means there’s less and less value in them winning the belts. It seems that we’re getting ready for a Big Cass singles push and that might be better for everyone.

Considering that, PLEASE LET ANDERSON AND GALLOWS LOSE THE BELTS. They’re one of the least interesting teams I’ve seen in a long time as they’re really just there every week and offer almost nothing. The entire division is a mess right now and that makes for some very agonizing segments. As annoyed as I’m getting of Amore and Big Cass, they would be WAY better as champions than more of the Anderson and Gallows mess.

Sami Zayn vs. Samoa Joe

Now this has potential. If you have a need for a new monster (or any monster for that matter) to destroy someone and make it look good, you call on Zayn. These two have been feuding for a bit over the last few weeks and there’s a good chance that this match is going to steal the show. There isn’t much doubt on the ending but there’s some serious potential.

In case it’s not clear, Samoa Joe is going to wreck Zayn here and that’s exactly what should happen. Zayn is the kind of guy who can put up a great fight and come this close before falling victim to one heck of a Rock Bottom and maybe the Koquina Clutch. It’s what Zayn does and he does it as well as almost anyone ever has. Samoa Joe should be coming up on a major match at “Wrestlemania XXXIII” but he has to smash Zayn first.

Women’s Title: Bayley vs. Charlotte

As mentioned earlier, this one is going to be dependent on the Banks match, which I think goes to Jax to set up Banks costing Bayley the title here. If that’s not the case, I still don’t think Charlotte gets the belt back here but I do think she wins. The big sales pitch is that Charlotte has never lost a title match on pay per view and there’s a chance that they could avoid taking the title off of Bayley just yet while keeping the streak alive.

Or, since this is WWE, we’ll go with the reality that is Charlotte becoming six time Women’s Champion because WWE wants to recreate Ric Flair’s record in female form. I have no idea why I should care about Charlotte winning the title again but it seems that we’re heading in that direction. Then, once we’ve gotten the worthless first title reign out of the way, Bayley can start the REAL title reign because that’s how WWE logic goes. Charlotte wins though, no matter how little sense it makes.

Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman

This is a weird one as there isn’t really a good option for the ending. First of all, there’s absolutely no logical reason to have Strowman lose to Reigns via pin. He’s been treated as an unstoppable monster and there’s no reason for Reigns (or anyone) to beat him this soon. Unfortunately, that’s where WWE manages to screw up more often than not. Reigns winning would be the WWE answer and that’s the last thing that needs to happen.

Or there’s option C: Undertaker interferes and costs Reigns the match in retaliation for Reigns eliminating him from the Royal Rumble. That would set up one heck of a showdown at “Wrestlemania XXXIII” and Strowman goes on to do…..well probably to win the battle royal because that’s the best they can think of him for now. I can live with that as long as Strowman doesn’t get pinned by Reigns, who really doesn’t need to get this win.

Universal Title: Kevin Owens vs. Goldberg

This match terrifies me. Owens has recently rediscovered what made him great in the first place but there’s a buzzsaw called Goldberg waiting on him. I know there’s the option of Chris Jericho interfering to cost Owens the title and while that would make things MUCH better than Goldberg just hitting his finishers to win, Goldberg and Goldberg vs. Lesnar DOES NOT NEED to be for the title. The idea of Jericho taking the title from Owens in Orlando is great but Lesnar vs. Goldberg being for the title? Not so much.

Of course Goldberg wins the title here though because WWE has decided that Goldberg vs. Lesnar MUST be for the title for reasons I don’t even want to comprehend. Like I said, if Jericho interferes and costs Owens the match it’s much better, but words cannot describe how mad I’ll be if it’s “Survivor Series 2016” all over again with a match that lasts less than five minutes because Goldberg can’t do anything longer than that again.

Overall, “Fastlane 2017” just doesn’t need to exist. Other than the main event, you could easily see a lot of this show taking place on a few episodes of “Monday Night Raw” and that’s not good for a pay per view. The show has some potentially excellent matches but there are some that are likely to feel like they’re going to drag like a Stephanie McMahon promo marathon. Just please don’t squash Owens. It doesn’t help anyone but Goldberg and I could easily see WWE doing just that.

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We’ll start with the three pre-show matches, beginning with Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks. This is your old big vs. little match with Banks coming in with a bad knee and Jax liking the idea of torturing what she sees as the former Boss. Banks is of course ready for a challenge, as she always is.

I think I’m going with Jax here, as it seems that they’re prepping her for a run near the Raw Women’s Title. It’s not the worst idea in the world and Banks is certainly one of those characters who can just talk for all of ten seconds and be back in the fans’ good graces. The match should be entertaining, though I’m not sure how well this is going to go with the size difference.

2. Pre-Show: Raw Tag Team Titles: Luke Gallows/Karl Anderson vs. Sheamus/Cesaro

Oh my goodness I’m already bored just thinking about this match. Anderson and Gallows couldn’t beat New Day for the titles so now we get to watch them chase the belts here even more. Neither team has done anything interesting since they started feuding and I have no real interest in either of them or anything they do.

That being said, I’ll take the champions to retain here because WWE REALLY likes them for reasons that aren’t clear to me in the slightest. Sheamus and Cesaro could be fine as singles wrestlers (as they’ve been for years) while Anderson and Gallows only seem to be better off together. That doesn’t make for a great match but it could make for a rather boring one, which would keep them on the same path they’ve had for months now.

3. Pre-Show: Becky Lynch/Nikki Bella/Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss/Mickie James/Natalya

This is a simple “take everyone and throw them into one match so entrances can take up a bunch of time” match and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like there’s really a big challenger for Bliss’ Smackdown Women’s Title at the moment so it wouldn’t make sense to throw out something like Bliss vs. Naomi here. You also don’t want to blow off Lynch vs. James yet so this makes the most sense.

I’ll take good side winning with Naomi pinning Bliss, likely setting up their title match. Naomi might not be the most interesting character in the world but she’s more than capable of being the #1 contender and maybe even a short term champion. The other four can just be there for the sake of being there and there’s nothing wrong with that.

4. Raw Women’s Title: Charlotte vs. Bayley

Somehow, “Monday Night Raw” has managed to botch the most over female since Lita. Bayley should be able to plugged into the title scene, fight against the odds and win the title in a big moment. Somehow though, she’s arguing with Stephanie McMahon about what it means to be a star and reading poetry in a segment that went on far too long. They’ve gotten closer with this “fan vs. star from birth” story but, as usual, it gets bogged down on the main shows.

Charlotte is likely retaining here because for some reason we NEED a four way title match at “Wrestlemania XXXIII” instead of just having Bayley fight against the odds like Daniel Bryan in a sports bra. It’s going to be a big moment when Bayley finally wins the title but it’s just not happening on Sunday.

5. Smackdown World Title: John Cena vs. AJ Styles

Now this is more like it as WWE has managed to turn this into one of the best feuds over the World Title in a long time. Both guys feel like major stars (because they are major stars) and Styles is just beating Cena at every turn. Styles has been Smackdown World Champion since September and has been one of the best performers all year long by miles and miles.

That being said, I think he survives the Cena challenge here, perhaps with someone interfering to set up Cena’s next feud, and allowing Styles to drop the belt inside the Elimination Chamber (Meaning we get STYLES VS. SHANE MCMAHON because we’re just that lucky). Either way, it’s going to be a 20-25 minute classic, as if you would expect it to be anything else.

6. Cruiserweight Title: Rich Swann vs. Neville

Aside from the Royal Rumble itself, this might be the match I’m looking forward to more than anything else. Neville has been on fire since turning heel and Swann has really upped his game in this feud. They’ve made me want to see this match and that’s not something I ever expected to see out of the Cruiserweight Title, either in this generation or in its previous incarnation.

I’ll go with the logical choice and say Neville wins the title here but it wouldn’t surprise me to see them keep the belt on Swann for some reason. Neville has been the better performer in this story and plays his character to perfection but other than Cedric Alexander and maybe the debuting Akira Tozawa, I’m not sure who he could feud again. Neville should win though, and that’s what matters most.

7. Raw World Title: Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens

Let’s get this over with. I don’t remember the last time I was this uninterested in a World Title match and a lot of that comes down to the two stipulations. This match has had a six week build and the big idea is Chris Jericho being locked in a shark cage above the ring. Like really, that’s it. Then, to really hammer the point home, they turned it into a No DQ match, meaning that Jericho would be allowed to interfere anyway. You know, because there’s so much effort and thought put into this thing.

Actually I think Reigns loses here so Owens can drop the belt from a better perspective. Then again, there’s always the chance that WWE will continue to ignore everyone’s feeling on Reigns and set him up for a big face match at “Wrestlemania XXXIII”. I mean, word on the street has him as a face and going over Undertaker there so what do I know? But yeah, Owens keeps the belt here.

8. Royal Rumble

I’m going to get straight to the point here: I have no idea who is winning this thing. It’s very rare that WWE is capable of putting together a match where it really is wide open but they’ve pulled it off here. Looking at the twenty two names currently announced, there are at least seven (Goldberg, Brock Lesnar, Baron Corbin, Undertaker, Miz, Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton) serious potential winners and you could squint your eyes and get up to more than ten.

There are so many stories going around about what might be happening in Orlando this year and that’s what I love about this year’s Royal Rumble: it feels wide open. How boring is it when you’re just waiting around on the one or two guys who could realistically win and the rest is just seeing spots? You have to go back to 2012 at the very most recent where the winner wasn’t mostly obvious and that’s far too long.

Let’s pull a name out of a hat here and go with….Wyatt winning the thing. I know it’s not likely to happen but it’s not like there’s a dominant option out there this year. Wyatt winning and going on to face Orton for the Smackdown World Title at “Wrestlemania XXXIII” has been rumored so it makes as much sense as anything else. I have no confidence in the pick but it’s the best I’ve got.

As is so often the case, the Royal Rumble is going to come down to its namesake match but it has the potential to be something fun. “Wrestlemania XXXIII” is wide open this year and we’ll know a lot more about it the next twenty four hours. The winner isn’t always even the most important thing and that makes for a very interesting battle royal. If the rest of the show is even better, that’s just a bonus.

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