Monday Night Raw
Date: April 4, 2005
Location: Staples Center, Los Angeles, California
Attendance: 16,653
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

This is from the Raw after Wrestlemania and was a request. HHH has lost the world title to Batista last night so this is the start of a new era in a sense. Looking at the rest of the card (which is pretty short in the first place), we’ve got Edge vs. Benoit which should be good. I’m not sure what else to expect tonight so let’s get to it.

We open with a Wrestlemania recap set to Behind Those Eyes by 3 Doors Down. They’re my favorite band so I’m not complaining here. It transitions to another song that I don’t recognize. It was the show where Cena and Batista won their first world titles, plus there was the first MITB match and Angle vs. Shawn’s classic. If it ran about 45 minutes shorter, it would be one of the best ever. With that extra time though, it’s just a good show.

Here’s HHH to open the show. You know, the guy that lost last night. The Game can’t get anything in because of the Batista chants. He admits that he lost the title but goes into a huge rant about how the Batista Era isn’t beginning because he was on for one night only. HHH is great every night. You think he gives that same speech to Stephanie when she complains about things? HHH says he owns the title and the rematch is at Backlash. He’ll get the title back and ram it down all of our throats.

Intercontinental Title: Christian vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Jericho

This was when Shelton was the hottest star in the company not named Cena or Batista and he’s defending the title here. I think all three of these guys were in MITB last night. Yeah they were. Thanks JR. JR then loses his credibility for this match saying Shelton won the title off Jericho a few weeks ago. He won it in November JR. Shelton and Jericho square off but Christian wants some of that. He gets punched in the face for his efforts and double teamed.

Jericho and Shelton seem to team up for a bit but that breaks down quickly. Chris controls on the champion and hits the bulldog, but he’s too banged up for the Lionsault. Christian comes back in and sends Jericho to the floor so he can work on Shelton. Off to a chinlock as the fans chant CLB. Shelton loads up a superplex on Christian but Jericho comes in to powerbomb him, making it a Tower of Doom.

Everyone is down and Jericho gets two on Christian, then two on Shelton. Jericho fires off a forearm and enziguri on Christian but covers Shelton instead for some reason. Shelton sunset flips Jericho but Christian rolls him up for two. Jericho sunset flips BOTH of them at once for two. Stinger Splash from the champion hits Jericho and the Exploder puts him down, but Tomko pulls Shelton out. Jericho hooks the Walls on Christian but Shelton comes in with a springboard bulldog (looked GREAT) to Jericho for the pin to retain.

Rating: B. I was really getting into this. The midcard was pretty awesome at this point with Shelton leading the way. Then he got lazy and stopped caring which really crippled his career. Anyway, at this point he rocked and couldn’t have a boring match if his life depended on it. When Christian and Jericho have trouble keeping up with you, that says a lot.

Edge is in the back with Bischoff and signs his contract for a world title shot. That’s the MITB contract I think. Bischoff asks if he wants to use it tonight but Edge says no, because he wants to pick his spot. Eric says you get Benoit tonight then.

Here’s Orton who lost to Taker last night. The fans chant for Undertaker and Orton says it wasn’t supposed to go that way. He talks about being chokeslammed and tombstoned last night. Orton claims a shoulder injury during the match last night and he would have reversed the Tombstone otherwise. But enough of that, because he wants to talk about Batista. He respects Undertaker but doesn’t respect Batista. Orton says he’s the future and wants Batista TONIGHT. Eric comes out and says that HHH gets the next shot because of his rematch clause. Orton says make the match tonight and Eric says ok.

Women’s Title: Christy Hemme vs. Trish Stratus

Christy looks GREAT in blue. Christy is the Divas Search winner and Lita is training her. That doesn’t make her any good in the ring but she looks great. Trish is evil here and this is a rematch from last night. Before the bell ever rings, Trish KILLS Christy with a Chick Kick and knocks her out. Lita, still injured, gets in Trish’s face and they slug it out, but Trish kicks Lita in her injured knee and puts a hold on her. Trish walks out, but DANG that kick looked great.

We get a clip from last night with Muhammad Hassan jumping Eugene and beating him up until Hogan made the save. That’s still a great moment that I still watch from time to time. By clip, I mean the whole segment.

Here’s Shawn, limping after Angle destroyed his leg last night. He talks about how he gave it everything he had last night but things didn’t end like he planned. Shawn asks for a small favor: would anyone want to see a rematch? The fans want it so Shawn says he’ll do whatever he can do to make it happen.

Cue Hassan and Daivari to get on our nerves by speaking Farsi or whatever language that is. Hassan makes fun of Shawn for losing and says Shawn fears him because he’s Arab American. Shawn takes his jacket off and Hassan calls him a loser. This starts a brawl but Shawn’s knee gives out and he gets beaten down. Hassan puts him in a camel clutch to end this.

Edge vs. Chris Benoit

Benoit has a bad left arm from last night. They brawl fairly slowly and Edge is knocked to the floor. Back in and a knee to the ribs puts Edge down. Benoit is having to fight tentatively because of the arm. Out to the floor again and Benoit fires off some chops. He slides back in and takes Edge down with a baseball slide. Coming back in, Edge drapes the arm over the top rope and Benoit is in trouble.

Edge works over the arm with a wristlock and a hammerlock. Benoit comes back with a trio of Germans, the third one being release style. He stupidly goes up but the Swan Dive misses and the arm hits the mat again. Benoit gets sent to the floor and we take a break. Back with Edge working on the arm even more. During the break Benoit tried the Crossface but the arm gave out.

Edge cranks on the arm even more but goes up and is crotched. Benoit chops him on the corner and they trade headbutts. Benoit GOES OFF and hits a huge superplex to put both guys down. Here’s the Sharpshooter which Benoit wisely pulls on with the right arm. After about two minutes, Edge finally gets to the ropes. The bandage is off Benoit’s arm. He manages the Crossface but the arm gives out so Edge can escape. He DDTs the arm and loads up the spear, but Benoit sidesteps him to send Edge into the corner, letting Chris roll him up for the pin.

Rating: B. Two matches up, both very good so far. These two were always going to give you good matches and the arm injury was a really nice story to put into the match. Benoit would never reach the level he hit the previous year but he was always good for something like this. Edge would do little for the rest of the year before cashing in the case in January.

Edge rams Benoit’s arm into the steps post match. He also beats on it with a chair.

It’s time for an infomercial by Simon Dean for the Simon System with Maven as his protege. This isn’t going to end well. Simon says (get it?) that anyone, even the people in LA, can look like Maven using his system. He says that the people here are getting fat drinking beer. I think I can hear the glass shattering from here. Yep there it is. Austin makes fun of the system and says WHAT a lot. If you won’t know where this is going, I’ve failed you.

They agree to try each others’ drinks and Simon asks for a glass. Austin has none of that so Simon holds his nose. Simon does push-ups to work off the calories of the beer. They’re wasting Austin on this? Austin says do a bunch of push-ups which Simon does. Now it’s time for Austin to try the protein shake. Austin says the shake smells awful and won’t drink it. Maven says that’s because it’s a man’s drink and throws it on Austin. Stunners and beer abound for awhile.

Orton is coming to the ring and runs into Kane who makes fnu of him for losing.

Batista vs. Randy Orton

Non-title. We get our first look at the guy that won the main event of Wrestlemania with less than eight minutes of air time left. The bell rings with less than six and a half minutes to go in the show. Orton shoves him into the corner but Big Dave powers out of it. Orton takes over and hooks a chinlock but Batista snapmares out of it.

They’re very clearly going through the motions here. Batista pounds on him and shoves him into the corner for the shoulders. He misses one though and Batista’s shoulder hits the post. Not that it really matters as he rams Orton’s face into the post. Back in the spinebuster and the Batista Bomb get the easy pin.

Rating: D. Pretty boring match here as these two never really had the big match that I think they were always expected to have. They should have had a great feud and rivalry on paper but it never really played out that way in reality. Not the worst match ever but for Batista’s first match as champion it didn’t work that well.

HHH comes out to applaud Batista to end the show.

Overall Rating: B-. The wrestling was mostly good here and the show was entertaining enough, but the main event did very little for Batista. This felt more like Austin was the main attraction or something like that. Not a bad show but there needed to be WAY more focus on Batista.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: May 13, 2002
Location: Air Canada Center, Toronto, Canada
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

This is another request due to the world title being on the line with Hogan defending against Flair. Why anyone in their right mind would want to see that match in 2002 is beyond me but people have strange tastes at times. Anyway other than that there’s not much here. I think this is the go home show for Judgment Day 2002. Let’s get to it.

We open with a clip of last week with Flair turning heel and beating Austin down with a chair. It’s Flair/Big Show vs. Austin at Judgment Day.

Brock Lesnar vs. Hardy Boys

This was Brock’s first feud. He’s already destroyed both of them one on one so this is the next logical step. Jeff jumps Brock to start. They have to tag here and Brock runs over Jeff very quickly. Jeff comes back with a running forearm as the fans chant for Goldberg. Off to Matt who comes off the top with a punch to the head. Now the fans chant for the Mapleleafs. Brock kills him with a belly to belly and the dominance continues. Off to Jeff who screws up his jawbreaker move twice before finally hitting it. The Hardys hit a double flapjack and a double shot from the top rope….and Heyman pulls the referee out for the DQ.

Rating: D. So it was a squash until the Hardys realized that they’re one of the best teams ever and then there’s a lame DQ loss for Lesnar. What was the point of this again? Well it sets up another match at the PPV with Heyman as Lesnar’s partner. What is that supposed to solve anyway? Whatever here, as Lesnar would move up the ladder quickly.

Brock kills Jeff post match but Matt saves him and they hit the Twist/Swanton combo. Heyman makes the challenge for the aforementioned tag match.

Pac and Big Show are in the back when Flair comes in. Flair says this is the start of the new era. Hall is fired but Nash is just hurt. There’s a new NWO member tonight and the guy doesn’t even know that he’s joining tonight. Free will isn’t a popular idea in WWE is it?

Here are Flair and Show in the ring for their explanation for last week. They’re both NWO here. JR rips Flair the whole time because Flair hurt JR’s BFF last week. Flair says that his name is Ric Flair and if you know anything about this business, you have to respect it. He’s a 16 world champion you know. That makes him about 15 times better than the Leafs. He says he has a real enforcer rather than the one the Leafs have.

Flair says he owns Raw which makes him very powerful. As for Austin, Flair drafted him and then he got Stunned for his efforts. Flair tried to be his friend and even gave him carte blanche but Flair got screwed with anyway. Austin is trash, just like the fans. Now Flair can sympathize with Vince for having to deal with Austin all those years. Austin has a giant to worry about now. Tonight, Flair is giving himself a world title match, because what do these young kids know right?

After a break we’re told that the match will be No DQ.

Hogan arrives on his motorcycle.

Shawn Stasiak vs. Eddie Guerrero

Stasiak is a little nuts here. Eddie is IC Champion but this is non-title. These two ran into each other earlier today while Stasiak was going on one of his crazy man rants. He’s from Planet Stasiak and Eddie thinks they grow weed on Planet Stasiak. That offended Shawn so here’s the match as a result. RVD, Eddie’s opponent on Sunday, comes out to watch. Eddie jumps Stasiak to start but Shawn takes him down. Gutwrench slam gets two. A suplex is countered and Eddie goes after the knee. Suplex, Frog Splash, pin. This was about a minute.

RVD jumps Eddie post match. Eddie grabs the mic and says that he’s going to prove he’s better. Pretty awful promo.

Coach goes looking for Austin but finds Debra instead. She says Austin wants to talk but says she’ll go get him for Coach. That’s later apparently.

Apparently later is now because Austin says Flair didn’t say anything important. This is in the height of the WHAT period so Austin speaks in very short statements. He’s not worried about Judgment Day and Flair doesn’t deserve a title match. He’ll be watching though.

Now, A Day In The Life Of Tommy Dreamer. This is during the Dreamer is a Freak stage, so we see things such as him shaving his tongue, drinking toilet water and sharing a toothbrush with his dog. Moving on.

Regal is here for commentary for the next match.

Terri vs. Molly Holly

Regal and Molly are dating or something. This is because of a swimsuit contest last week where Molly hit Terri with a flipper. Terri attacks her and hits the apex of her offense with a slam. Molly is a virgin which is all Lawler can talk about. This is horrible and Molly goes up and gets crotched. Terri hits a rana off the top (nothing special) but Molly rolls her up for the pin. If you think the Divas today are bad, Terri makes Kelly Kelly look like Ricky Steamboat.

Oh apparently Regal dating Molly starts here. Ok then.

WWE Undisputed Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair

This is the world title match in 2002. Think about that for a minute. It’s No DQ as well. Hogan comes out on the motorcycle to further prove his mid life crisis. Hogan is a god in Toronto though so he gets a huge pop. To be fair, this is when Flair was 53 and he’s still in pretty decent shape, as is Hogan. It’s FAR better than when they’re in TNA and look about 80 each. Flair charges into him with doesn’t work at all.

Flair gets knocked down multiple times so he goes to get a chair which doesn’t work. He chops Hogan in the corner which goes even worse. Hogan pounds on him in the corner and we get the Flair Flop. He can’t do the Flair Flip though so he pokes Hogan in the eyes and goes up. Guess what happens next. Flair goes low and fires away in the corner. Out to the floor and Hogan takes over again with power, sending Flair into the steps face first.

Back inside and a thumb to the eye gives Flair control again. Hogan blocks the knee drop and hooks a Figure Four that Dusty Rhodes would say looks horrible. After Flair get the ropes, Hogan suplexes him for two. The chops still don’t work so Hogan Hulks Up (was he ever really in trouble?) and hits the boot and leg, drawing out the NWO. Bradshaw (why?) comes out to take out the NWO and Austin comes out to Stun Flair, setting up the legdrop for Hogan to retain.

Rating: D+. It’s Hogan vs. Flair which is the majority of the good stuff here. At the end of the day, Ric Flair is wrestling Hulk hogan for the world title in 2002 on Monday Night Raw, six days before Hogan defends against Undertaker on PPV. Does that seem like a problem to anyone else besides me? This was the year of nostalgia for WWE which resulted in HHH being world champion again by the fall, which is what it should have been over most of the summer. That would make too much sense though so we got this instead.

Flair goes on a rant in the back, the end results being Pac/Show vs. Bradshaw and Austin vs. the new NWO member in a lumberjack match.

Women’s Title/Hardcore Title: Trish Stratus/Bubba Ray Dudle vs. Jazz/Steven Richards

Trish and Bubba are the challengers. Only one title can change hands here I think. This is Toronto remember so Trish gets a huge reaction. This was set up because a blind Bubba powerbombed Trish through a table so that Steven could pin her to win the Hardcore Title. The genders have to match here. Bubba throws Trish onto the champions to start and the girls go first. Richards accidentally splashes Jazz and we get the face in the balls spot. Trish and Bubba bring in weapons but Trish can’t throw anything over the top.

Everything breaks down quickly and Steven takes a hockey stick to the crotch. Justin Credible comes out with a referee, as does Crash. Neither wins the title and various comedy spots follow. Bubba kills Justin with a guitar and Richards knocks Trish to the floor. Off to Jazz and Trish has to come in despite being out on the floor. The men have disappeared and Trish fumbles through some stuff before Stratusfaction gives her the title.

Rating: D. This show is so gimmicked it’s unreal. Now this should give you a good idea of how screwed up WWE was at this point. Trish wins the title here in Toronto from Jazz right? Less than two months earlier, they had a Women’s Title match in Toronto AT WRESTLE FREAKING MANIA, but they do the switch here instead? See how off they were in 2002?

Post match Trish says get the tables. Bubba powerbombs her through it, and by that I mean he jumps through it Jazz misses the table completely.

Undertaker has nothing to say. Literally. Hogan destroyed his motorcycle last week.

We run down the Judgment Day card. The card is stacked (Cell, hair vs. hair) but it wound up sucking.

Goldust and Booker are going to be lumberjacks tonight so Goldie sings the Lumberjack Song from Monty Python. Booker for some reason is in full lumberjack gear, complete with beard. Goldust thought Booker would look ravishing in it. These two were hilarious together.

X-Pac/Big Show vs. Bradshaw

Pac has stolen Kane’s mask in a story I don’t really remember. Pac starts and gets thrown around so Bradshaw demands Big Show get in. Show knocks him down and it’s back to Pac. Powerslam gets two for the future JBL. The crowd is QUIET for this, because it’s 2002 and Bradshaw is getting a singles push for some reason. Show pulls him to the floor and throws him into the steps and it’s back to X-Pac. This is going so slowly. Bradshaw kicks Show to the floor and hits the fallaway slam on Pac. Show grabs a chair and cracks Bradshaw in the back with it and two chokeslams for the pin.

Rating: D. This NWO stuff never went anywhere at all and a lot of that is because they had no one to fight. Austin was the top guy in the company in name only in 2002, Rock was gone, Hogan didn’t do anything but nostalgia, and guys like Bradshaw weren’t going to cut it as a top guy at this point at all. The crowd reaction in Toronto, one of the loudest cities ever, being this weak should tell you a lot.

Hogan goes to leave but Coach stops him to talk about undertaker. Hogan is in a leather jacket (clearly with extra padding) and a helmet that looks like it belongs in a war propaganda movie from World War I. He’ll be a lumberjack later, despite Flair saying he was handpicking the lumberjacks. Taker attaches Hogan to the motorcycle and drags him along. It looks ridiculous and they’re going at about the speed of a brisk jog.

Post break it’s still going on and Hogan crashes into cardboard boxes. Oh man that’s hardcore. Why keeps a wall of cardboard boxes like that anyway?

Post another break we see it AGAIN. Hogan is treated for a neck injury in the back.

Steve Austin vs. ???

Flair hasn’t told the new NWO member who he is remember. This is a lumberjack match remember. Austin beats up the lumberjacks to start but the NWO jumps him. Flair says the new member is Booker T, which is kind of a heel turn I guess. Booker takes over on Austin to start and hits the side kick to take him down. Austin comes back with a spinebuster for two as Bossman pulls him to the floor.

Austin fights the lumberjacks but Lesnar takes him down and rams him into the ring a few times. Back in Austin comes back like the stuff on the floor was nothing. Thesz Press gets no reaction so Show pulls Austin to the floor. Booker hits the axe kick and we get a Spinarooni, which allows Austin to come back again. Booker throws him to the floor AGAIN for the NWO to beat on him. We get a REALLY sloppy sequence that results in Austin ramming Booker into Flair and rolling him up the pin.

Rating: F. That’s probably extreme but let’s look at this here. First of all, there’s no reason for this match to happen. Booker T was literally picked with no motivation to fight Austin. On top of that, the majority of this match was Austin vs. the NWO/lumberjacks. Third, the match SUCKED.

As Austin leaves, Arn Anderson of all people jumps him and the NWO (minus Booker) beats him down to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. This was one of the worst shows I can remember in a long time. First and foremost, all of the matches sucked. Second, out of seven matches, TWO (Eddie vs. Stasiak and the Divas) weren’t gimmicked. Those were also the two shortest matches of the night. On top of that, the whole thing is about the NWO and the old guys. Keep in mind this: Booker was the second biggest face on Raw but now he’s NWO.

Other than him and Austin, the biggest face is probably Eddie (remember that the World Champion could be on both shows so Hogan wasn’t exclusively Raw) who would turn heel by the end of the month. That left, I kid you not, Bubba Ray Dudley, Bradshaw or Goldust as the second biggest face on Raw. Austin legitimately bailed on the company, prompting them to bring back Rock and send HHH to Raw to give it some face blood. He was turned heel by August. See why this was a bad time for Raw? Horrible show.

Here’s Judgment Day if you’re interested:

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Monday Night Raw
Date: February 24, 1997
Location: Manhattan Center, New York City, New York
Attendance: 1,000
Commentators: Paul Heyman, Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler

Based on the commentators and perhaps the date you might know why we’re reviewing this one. This is of course the ECW Invasion of Raw for one night only while the main guys are in Europe or somewhere like that. This is more or less a hype show for Barely Legal, the first ECW PPV. Seeing the ECW guys on Raw this early is just weird, even though the Dudleys would be there in less than three years. WCW is KILLING Raw at this point so they were doing whatever they could to get a quick ratings boost. This didn’t do that, but it’s certainly historical so we’ll take a look. Let’s get to it.

The old school WWF logo, as in the one with the storm and all red used to scare me when I was a kid and terrified of thunderstorms.

The old Raw intro still rocks.

Godwins vs. Blackjacks

The Blackjacks are Barry Windham and Bradshaw. It’s so weird hearing the guys talking about ECW when we have the same look for the show as there was back when the show debuted. BIG brawl to start as Bradshaw might be the smallest guy in there. Vince promises a big surprise for later. Oh hey we get Sunny vs. Marlena in ARM WRESTLING. Oh joy indeed. Wait it’s 97 Sunny. OH YES.

We get to an actual match now with Phineas and Bradshaw in there. Clothesline from JBL but it isn’t a finisher or named yet. Henry runs over Barry and we head to the floor where the heels take over. This is weak so far. The fans want the Dudleys and some guy named Ken Shamrock is sitting in the front row. Now the fans want Sandman. Would it be too much to ask for SOMETHING to happen here?

Phineas finally gets the hot tag and no one cares in the slightest. I was writing and didn’t realize he got a tag due to the lack of any kind of reaction. Clothesline takes him down but he gets a foot on the rope. This goes unnoticed and the Blackjacks win it. The referee gets slopped for his troubles.

Rating: F+. Oh this was boring. It went on forever and was a total borefest with the styles completely clashing. Four power guys can rarely make a match work and this was no exception. The tag division left something to be desired around this time as we were about 6 months from the Outlaws forming to save things a bit. Weak match and a bad omen for the rest of the night.

Ad for some boxing match. Sugar Ray Leonard is back. Ok then.

As we’re about to go to a break there’s a ring attendant looking at a turnbuckle. The ECW Tag Team Champions hit the ring and hit Total Elimination on him as Heyman shouts about the challenge being accepted. The look on Lawler’s face is great.

Little Guido vs. Stevie Richards

Richards would be in the #1 contenders’ match at Barely Legal for absolutely no apparent reason. The BWO is here with Richards which as Joey perfectly described: “If any gimmick never deserved to make a dime and made a whole boat load of cash, THIS IS IT.” I remember this actually but just vaguely. Stevie says they’re taking over as Paulie joins on commentary.

Heyman couldn’t be happier to be here to put it mildy. The match means nothing at all of course with Guido being the epitome of a jobber at this point in a big comedy stable. Jerry can’t say who the BWO is ripping off in a funny bit. Moving from funny to borderline surreal, Raven comes out and stands in front of the RAW set, which is just big letters saying Raw. Raven stares Richards down and the future psychiatrist freezes.

Goldust says he isn’t impressed and says nothing when Vince asks him about his match with Savio. Heyman kind of compliments Goldust as the fans LOUDLY chant BWO. Lawler more or less is shooting on ECW here as he hates the thing. Stevie Kick ends it clean. Lawler points out the obvious that Shawn has done the same move about 1000 times.

Rating: D. Like I said the match meant nothing so don’t pay much attention to that anyway. This was about having a different kind of thing being shown on Raw which definitely worked. No one but Paulie ever really got the idea of how Richards wound up in the three way at the PPV. Guido would get a lot better but here he was more or less a joke. Nothing special at all here, but the point was having ECW on Raw, which is mind blowing when you consider this is back in 1997.

Honky Tonk Man comes out to referee the arm wrestling match. Sunny comes out first and does the Rick Rude intro by calling everyone fat and saying to hit the music. Naturally she looks amazing but the costume is more or less tame compared to today’s stuff which is weird to say. Marlena has bad ribs due to HHH’s associate injuring her. The associate would soon become known as Chyna.

Sunny offers to let her forfeit due to the injuries which of course is turned down. Loud TAKE IT OFF chant. Any wrestling fan knows the formula here so I’ll spare you the details. Sunny stalls a lot, she takes over early, Marlena makes the comeback, Sunny throws powder (seriously do I even need to make jokes here?) in her eyes and it’s over.

Savio Vega comes out to get on Marlena so here’s Goldust to come out for the save. They’re scheduled for a match so this is it I guess.

Goldust vs. Savio Vega

One of the guys that becomes part of Los Boricuas is on commentary now. Miguel talks about Savio not being Puerto Rican anymore or something. No one cared at all about the group but Vince pushed them for over a year. Crush helps beat up Goldust with a powerslam on the floor.

Boring match so far as you can clearly see why WCW was destroying them around this time. Lots of punches both ways and then we have announcements for upcoming shows that take up a third of the screen. And now we hit a chinlock to make my head hurt a bit more. Oh wait scratch that. It’s a nerve hold rather than a chinlock.

Every time you look up there are more members of the Nation out there. Sunny is there cheering for them as well I guess because Goldust is associated with Marlena. Savio’s splash hits knees. This match needs to end badly. We get our third shot of Shamrock tonight as Lawler says he’ll go talk to him. Savio slaps Goldie’s a bit so Goldust elbows him and kisses him.

Crush trips Goldust, allowing Vega to take over, and here’s Crush to help with the beatdown to end it. Twelve minutes to get THAT ending? Perez, the guy from the announcers’ table runs in to help with the save.

Rating: F. Oh man this was boring. It got TWELVE MINUTES and we get a weak DQ ending? This was just so boring on all levels and nothing at all happened. I never got the appeal of Savio and he was just not interesting as a heel in the slightest. Granted you could argue that he wasn’t interesting ever but you get the point. Just a boring match that took up over 5% of the whole show. Mind boggling.

Raw is in Berlin next week, which featured the Bulldog vs. Owen match in perhaps the best match in Raw history for the first ever European Title.

We flashback to Jerry Lawler making fun of Tiny Tim, a weird singer that was in wrestling more than once but no one knew why. Weird thing to air here.

Jerry talks to Shamrock, allegedly his friend. Shamrock says he’s never met Lawler in ANOTHER pointless segment. Granted Shamrock would become a fairly big star in a few months’ time.

The Slammys are coming. I love those things.

Heyman gets in the line from the Rise and Fall DVD: Man, has this show sucked without ECW or what huh? He’s right.

Taz vs. Mikey Whipwreck

Whipwreck is a cool name. Nice amateur stuff from Taz. We don’t see the extreme aspects here which is what’s hurting the show. Lawler asks him about that and Heyman says why do that when we can do that on PPV? Taz DESTROYS him as we hear from Farooq. Notice the ECW matches have had interviews that have nothing to do with the show spliced in but we hear nothing during the WWF matches. Not saying it’s unfair as it’s a WWF show, just an observation. Sabu pops up on top of the Raw R and falls off which sums up his career pretty well. Tazmission completes the squash.

Rating: N/A. This was to make Taz look good and that certainly worked. Whipwreck would also get a lot better which was fun watching. This wasn’t much at all though but it did its job well enough I guess. Still though, would it kill you guys to tell us why Taz vs. Sabu is a big feud? They didn’t say it on Barely Legal either so it doesn’t really matter.

Headbangers vs. Legion of Doom

Yep this is the surprise. If this breaks a minute I’ll be stunned. The people are, to put it mildly, stoked to see the LOD. Even the ECW fans are happy here. We start calling the LOD American Originals which never went anywhere but they kept calling them that for about a year. Animal and Mosh start us off and I think you can guess how that goes. Apparently the Lawler vs. Tiny Tim thing was because Raw is back where it all began tonight. That makes sense.

The fans chant Nitro Sucks which Vince won’t say. The match is already at two minutes which means it’s too long. BIG powerbomb from Animal to Mosh gets two. Hawk hits his decent dropkick and we go WAY too long here. There’s a reason the Road Warriors rarely went long without a great team in there such as the Horsemen with them: they kind of sucked other than power moves.

And now the Headbangers are on offense. Well of course they are. We go to a break and come back to the Headbangers in control. Yes, in this match we’ve gotten a commercial to go with an already long match. Shawn is injured apparently. And there’s a DOUBLE COUNT OUT? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Mosh takes a Doomsday Device just because he deserves one.

Rating: F+. The match was boring, it went about 15 minutes counting commercial, AND WHY WOULD YOU BRING BACK A FREAKING TEAM LIKE THE LOD TO HAVE THEM GO TO A DOUBLE COUNTOUT WITH THE FREAKING HEADBANGERS??? DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A PICTURE HERE? They deserved to lose at this point with stupidity like this.

We get the very cheesy Tell Me A Lie video about Shawn that always turns my stomach a bit. He was “probably retiring” due to his “knee injury” which popped up right before he was supposed to drop the title back to Bret at Mania. What are the odds???

Tommy Dreamer vs. D-Von Dudley

We get Beaulah if nothing else. Dreamer looks YOUNG here and for some reason didn’t wrestle at the PPV. They lock up immediately as everyone is FAR more impressed with Beaulah than the match which I can’t blame them for. Heyman rightfully kisses up to Vince for this. Dreamer breaks out some weapons to make things interesting for a change. Lawler hating on violence is funny considering one of his most famous things is the Tupelo Concession Stand Brawl (look that up if you’ve never heard of it).

All Dreamer so far here. Naturally we plug the stuff later on in Raw but again ECW needs to be happy with what they got, which I’m sure they were. Lawler goes on a total shoot, talking about how he’s been in wrestling for 20 years and has never been ashamed to be a wrestler but is now because this stuff is in his ring. He also didn’t mind showing up on ECW shows at least twice and getting a big paycheck for it.

Dreamer with a Piledriver next to a chair as Lawler is reaching Austin levels of ranting here. Taker cuts a split screen promo and while he’s talking about Sid (it was the main event of Mania 13 so first of all it’s more important than the match, but second, THIS GETS A PROMO WHILE WE HAVE A MATCH?) Dreamer hits the DDT for the pin.

Rating: N/A. Just a quickie here as the highlight was Lawler’s insane rant against Heyman and ECW. Based on what I’ve heard most of that was legit as Lawler wasn’t a fan of ECW at all. There are few people more old school than Lawler so that doesn’t surprise me, but considering how many Memphis companies he’s been apart of he doesn’t have a ton of room to talk about anyone else’s failing. Granted he had a national TV spot every Monday night so maybe he can talk about them.

Bubba runs down for the 3D on Dreamer but Sandman comes through the crowd and general beatings occur. Paulie thanks Vince which sounds very legit but goes after Lawler, resulting in the ECW guys coming down for a big pullapart deal.

We recap the insane world title scene around this time. Bret won the Royal Rumble and the shot at Mania but Austin snuck back in and threw him out and was declared the official winner. Due to the controversy, they put Taker and Vader who were also feuding and were the other final two in the Rumble along with Austin and Hart in a match called Final Four at a show appropriately titled Final Four.

Sid and Shawn had been trading the title, resulting in Shawn winning it back and then losing his smile, forfeiting the belt. There was supposed to be one last Sid vs. Shawn match at Final Four with the winner fighting the winner of the Final Four match at Mania. Bret won the match and the title but lost it to Sid the next night due to interference from Austin. That was a week before this and Taker has been named #1 contender. There would be a rematch between Bret and Sid in a cage sometime in March but Sid retained so it means nothing. Austin and Hart had a match at Mania that you may have heard of. Taker vs. Sid sucked.

Todd Petingill (the 90s version of Michael Cole but less annoying and just a backstage guy) talks to Ken Shamrock in an actual interview. He has his wife and father with him and introduces them. Ken picks Taker for the world title at Mania and can’t pick a winner for the submission match. Todd was annoying but he knew how to connect with a crowd so he throws in a very quick crowd poll. Little things like that can make a guy because he talks specifically to the crowd which is the best thing a guy can do.

Farrooq vs. Undertaker

Hmm I wonder who wins here. Before we start though and before Taker gets here, Shamrock and Farrooq have a standoff. Shamrock can’t talk at this point AT ALL. After a break we come back for Taker’s entrance which lacks something in this small of an arena. Most of the Nation is out there so Taker is just like screw this and goes out to beat on random people.

Ah there we go and all of a sudden the mat is really loud. BIG Old School takes down Farrooq again. Farrooq was a guy that could have been a top level heel but Austin being such a huge star all of a sudden kind of stopped anything they had planned but in a good way I’d think. This is your standard let’s beat on Taker and think we’re hurting him before he pops up and is perfectly fine. We take a break with a Nation member (D’lo Brown) taking down Taker by clipping his knee.

Back with Taker’s knee in trouble. Farrooq is smart and just keeps hammering on the knee like he’s supposed to. Taker busts out a Fameasser of all things to break the momentum. Never seen him use that before. In a weird bit the fans are singing the Nation theme song. Long chinlock sequence follows as we’re kind of killing time here. Ok there’s no kind of to it. We head to the floor as we’re desperately running out of time. And then after about 15 minutes again the rest of the Nation runs out for the DQ. The LOD comes out to save as we RUSH off the air.

Rating: C-. Match wasn’t much at all but Farrooq wasn’t boring here. This was better than I expected with both guys pounding on each other hard and some better than average (for him anyway) selling from Taker. The ending sucks but I get why they did it was obviously Taker couldn’t lose and Farrooq was kept strong looking here. Much better than what I expected here.

Overall Rating: D. Paulie was dead on when he said this show has sucked without ECW. I don’t remember a ton of Raw from this time frame but if this is any indication it’s no secret I would have been watching WCW. This was just DULL with matches no one cared about for the majority of the night. However since a lot of the stars were on a tour the lack of talent is more than understandable so I can give this a bit of a break.

This was a rather weak show though but the ECW addition is very interesting as it was totally not what WWF was about at the time and considering ECW hadn’t even debuted on PPV yet it’s unlikely most people had any clue who they were, making it at least an attraction. Bad show but very interesting form an historical standpoint.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: August 13, 2001
Location: ARCO Arena, Sacramento, California
Attendance: 9,182
Commentators: Paul Heyman, Jim Ross

We’re past Summerslam now and the Alliance war continues. Rock got the WCW Title last night and Austin cheated to keep the WWF Title. Other than that not a lot happened last night. Still though, they had a well hyped show last night and the show worked very well. It was probably the high point of the Alliance Era PPVs. Tonight we start on the road to Unforgiven. Let’s get to it.

Austin is greeted by a big celebration from the Alliance. This is Steve Austin Appreciation Night. He says he’ll lead by example and has more of last night for him if need be.

Stacy Keibler/Torrie Wilson/Ivory vs. Jacqueline/Molly Holly/Lita

The Alliance beat up Lita last night so there’s your story. Ivory and Molly start with a nice little gymnastics routine. Off to Jackie vs. Torrie and guess who wins that one. Jackie takes down both blondes and here’s Lita to a big reaction. She beats on Ivory for a bit and then brings Jackie back in. A tornado DDT gets a quick pin on Ivory. It’s as out of nowhere as it sounds.

Rating: D. What exactly are you looking for here? The match was nothing and a few of the girls looked good. In short, it was a Divas match and no one cared. These feuds went nowhere until Trish FINALLY started getting better and feuded with Lita to make anyone care in the slightest about the Divas.

The Dudleys are in the back with Test when Stephanie comes in. She says they’ve had issues in the past but now they’re both more mature. Last night she didn’t get what she wants so tonight she wants Test to take Jericho out for good. Test calls Stephanie a bad name and says he’ll do it.

Here’s Rock, the new WCW Champion. Booker had talked about taking Rock to school but last night, Booker got taken to People’s Elbow 101, Advanced Rock Bottoms and Getting Whipped All Over The Building 407. Rock requests the appearance of Booker and it’s midget time. He ends every sentence with sucka and is convinced to do a Spinarooni. Now it’s a Moonwalk, the Running Man and the Deion Sanders dance.

Rock wants to know if Booker wants to keep dancing until Lance Storm comes out. Hijinks will end tonight and there’s a WCW Title match with Storm challenging later. Rock doesn’t know who Storm is. Storm superkicks the midget which isn’t quite as good as Shawn superkicking the girl a few years back. Somehow this took over twelve minutes.

We recap the APA chasing Shane off during the WCW Title match last night, resulting in Bradshaw taking Shane down with the Clothesline.

APA/Scotty 2 Hotty/Big Show/Spike Dudley/Billy Gunn vs. Dudley Boys/Chuck Palumbo/Sean O’Haire/Hugh Morrus/Tommy Dreamer

There are twelve in this if you don’t feel like counting. Farrooq vs. Palumbo to start things off. Quickly off to Sean and Scotty. I wouldn’t expect any long segments in this match. Morrus and Dreamer try to double team Hotty but get taken down by a double clothesline. Here’s Gunn who gets caught in What’s Up but the APA saves. Bradshaw pounds on Tommy and Spike adds a double stomp off the top.

Dreamer catches Spike in a half crab but it’s off to Bubba for some power. A HUGH double flapjack gets two for D-Von. Morrus comes in and walks into a Dudley Dog. Show comes in and everything breaks down. It’s finishers all around for the next minute or so, ending with Show killing Dreamer with the chokeslam for the win.

Rating: C-. This was a big mess but the parade of finishers is always fun to see. It makes no sense as why wouldn’t they use those all the time, but it’s always cool to see. This was really the only way to get most of the people on the roster onto the shows, especially before the Brand Split, which really was a good thing.

Hurricane gives his testimonial about why he loves Steve Austin, which turns into why Green Lantern is awesome. Austin is his new favorite though.

Chris Jericho vs. Test

Jericho is all banged up from the Rhyno match last night. He says nothing of note pre match. Jericho hits a quick forearm to start but walks into a full nelson slam for no cover. Test hammers away but a powerbomb is countered and Jericho takes him down with a spinwheel kick. A neckbreaker sets up the bulldog but Stephanie breaks up the Lionsault. The big boot misses and Jericho knocks him to the floor. Chris goes after Stephanie but here’s Rhyno. Jericho sends him into the steps but walks into the big boot for the pin. Short match and not much to it.

Last night Christian accidentally speared Edge but Edge won the IC Title anyway. Christian comes up to Edge and talks about how they won the King of the Ring and the IC Title last night. Edge raises his glasses at this but lets Christian take the trophy for his match tonight.

Austin inspires Stasiak so much that Stasiak can’t say it right so we get well over 40 takes of it.

Mick Foley is at WWF New York and is inspired by Angle almost winning but getting screwed last night.

WCW Title: Lance Storm vs. The Rock

Storm jumps the champ to start and Rock is in some trouble. Rock comes back with a clothesline and punches away. Storm hits that perfect superkick of his to knock Rock to the floor. Back in Rock charges into an elbow and Storm gets two off a clothesline. Storm punches him down but walks into a spinebuster to put both guys down. The champ gets two off a DDT. Rock Bottom ends this clean.

Rating: D+. The match wasn’t bad I guess but what was the point? Rock was never in any real jeopardy (as expected) but there wasn’t even a hurdle for him to get over. This went nowhere though and seemed kind of stupid to do to a guy that lost the IC Title last night. Couldn’t they swap in like Hugh Morrus or someone like that here?

Little Booker comes in for a People’s Elbow and two Spinaroonis.

We recap last Thursday where Saturn beat Moppy and then had Moppy stolen. He put her face on a milk carton. I think Raven wound up doing it.

European Title: Christian vs. Matt Hardy

Christian makes fun of the Sacramento Kings before the match because he’s turning heel soon. Lita still has a bad leg. Christian jumps the champ to start which doesn’t work that well. Matt is sent to the floor but is back in quickly for more punching. Matt hits a clothesline and escapes the Unprettier. Twist is countered and Christian gets a rollup with his feet on the ropes for two. Reverse DDT gets two. Unprettier is countered into the Twist for Matt to retain. This was nothing again.

Package of stills from Austin vs. Angle last night.

Booker arrives over an hour into the show and gets laughed at.

Page thinks Sara wants to sleep with him. He’s not worried about Undertaker.

Taz says Austin has toughened him up.

Booker demands a rematch with Rock tonight. Since Shane owns WCW, couldn’t he make the title match anytime he wanted to? Regal makes midget jokes and explains the midget to Booker. Tajiri laughs so tonight it’s Booker vs. Tajiri.

Booker T vs. Tajiri

Booker is in street clothes. Booker welcomes Tajiri to the fire so Tajiri fires (see what I did there?) off kicks. Tajiri gets caught by a beating and we go to the floor. Booker beats on him for about two minutes until the referee disqualifies him. Yeah keep making those young and popular guys look like jobbers WWF. Keep it up and see what’s going to happen with it.

Taker makes sure Sara wants to fight DDP tonight.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. Sara

Sara is allowed a free slap. Page shoves her down so Undertaker pulls him to the floor, chokeslams him on the concrete, the bell rings and Sara gets the pin in four seconds. And AGAIN, a WCW guy is made to look like a joke, meaning there’s no point in caring about him at all. Stuff like this is probably one of the biggest reasons the Invasion failed (along with the McMahons and it lasting five months).

Here’s the whole Alliance for Steve Austin Appreciation Night. Some of them have gifts for Austin. Heyman is the master of ceremonies here. Hurricane says that Green Lantern has been his hero but now Austin is his hero. Didn’t he say this earlier? He’s going to wear an Austin shirt instead of the Green Lantern one. Kanyon gives him a Who Better Than Austin shirt. Debra gives him a plate of the famous Debra Cookies. Heyman saves him from having to eat one by airing a video package of Austin’s time in the Alliance. All five weeks of it.

Stephanie gets in and calls the rest of the Alliance in as well. And now, a song. Yes a song. It’s the high point of the camp value of this, minus the good aspect of it. Lillian is brought in to sing, and I couldn’t possibly make this up, Wind Beneath Our Ring. It’s a version of a Bette Middler song and the words are on the screen with a bouncing Austin head. Stephanie makes her start again for a lack of heart and soul.

Now Stephanie is going to lead it. JR: “Oh God not that.” It makes Vickie Guerrero sound like Shakira if you’re interested. Chavo sings some of it for some reason as does Terri. Even Raven sings as does Justin Credible. I’m in awe of this. Not because it’s good or anything, but because THIS IS AIRING ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW.

Austin thanks everyone for it and yells at Tazz for wearing a Tazz shirt. FINALLY Angle arrives in the milk truck to spray everyone down/ Stasiak takes a header into the truck which gets the only laugh of the show out of me. JR says the Billion Dollar Princess has just become the Dairy Queen to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. There’s nothing redeeming about this show at all. Nothing. The longest match is the twelve man tag at just over five minutes. Everything else is a squash with the Alliance guys being decimated AGAIN. Then to top it off, they sang a Bette Middler song until a guy came out and sprayed everyone down with milk. Even TNA would say that was stupid. Horrible HORRIBLE show and one of the worst I can remember in a long time.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: March 12, 2012
Location: Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland, Ohio
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler
Guest Star: James Roday

We’re a step closer to Wrestlemania now so it’s hard to say what to expect. Well actually it isn’t but that sounds better. Tonight we’ll probably get more of Rock vs. Cena, although I’m not sure if Rock is going to be here tonight. Undertaker and HBK both will be though and their confrontation is one of the highlights of the show. Let’s get to it.

Oh and I forgot: tonight Cena raps and we get another Rock concert.

The full theme song and opening sequence starts things out. We haven’t seen that in awhile.

Lawler announces the Rock and Rap concert in the shadow of the Rock N Roll (Express?) Hall of Fame. We’re going to start with Thuganomics so here’s Cena in the Word Life gear, complete with chain and throwback jersey. He starts with a LeBron James joke to get the crowd to love him. If Rock gets all choked up, it’s all in the wrist. I can’t do these lines justice by just writing them out. He mentions the Tooth Fairy chant from last week. This one is short though and ends with him throwing nuts at the camera, like he’ll do at Rock’s face.

Here’s Vickie who I can’t understand. She introduces Dolph. Ok then.

Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler

Sheamus’ march through the midcard continues. Ziggler can’t quite pull off the pink but at least he matches Vickie. Sheamus takes him to the mat and then runs him over to start. Back to the mat with an armtrap headlock. Forearms in the ropes take us to the first break. Back with Sheamus clotheslining Dolph down. Sheamus hip tosses him to the outside but Dolph slips under the ring and hits a dropkick to take over.

Still on the floor Sheamus is rammed into the back and both guys are down. OH MAN there’s a bit mark on his back. He manages to get back in at about eight and Dolph stomps away. Off to a chinlock as AJ and Bryan are in a skybox watching. Josh is up there so let’s cut to Bryan talking instead of watching the match. AJ is scared of Bryan after Bryan told her to shut up last week.

Sheamus comes back with a tilt-a-whirl slam for two. Celtic Cross is countered and a one man flapjack gets two. They botch what could have been a cool ending as Ziggler hooks a crucifix but Sheamus tries to pull him into White Noise but can’t get him up. Fameasser gets two. Brogue Kick finishes clean at 11:53.

Rating: B-. Sheamus dominating the upper midcard is fine but they desperately need something substantial to make us care about the Bryan match. When Bryan hasn’t beaten anyone big on his own in months, there’s no reason to care about the match. Then again no one in charge cares about this match at all so it doesn’t really matter.

The Battle of the General Managers match was announced earlier on WWE.com The GM’s will get to pick their own teams and the winner gets to run both shows.

Santino Marella/Aksana vs. David Otunga/

Santino is captain for Team Teddy at Mania. Oh dear. Ace is on commentary here. Otunga is Ace’s captain. Ace says hold it a minute. There’s not going to be a mixed tag. Instead it’s a handicap match.

Santino Marella vs. David Otunga/Mark Henry

Teddy comes out to an actual pop. Aksana is on the apron even though we were told this was a handicap. It’s a 12 man tag at Mania. Teddy escorts Aksana out as Otunga jumps Santino. Teddy shoves Ace down and we’re missing the match for the second time tonight. Santino avoids Otunga and comes back with his usual stuff but Henry makes a blind tag. He grabs the Cobra and headbutts Santino down. World’s Strongest Slam makes Santino the latest squashed champion at 1:32.

Kofi comes out for the save but is beaten down as well. Truth comes out but is beaten down as well. Ace officially announces Henry as the second man on his team.

Preview for Psych, guest starring Miz.

Piece from Extra with the Bellas and Alicia talking about Mania and Rock vs. Cena.

Eve and her AWESOME rack is in the back when Ryder comes up. He wonders why Eve hasn’t answered his calls this week. Ryder asks if she’s playing him so she says be friends with benefits instead. Beth comes up and says she should have been on Extra. She’s going to see Maria Menunos on Extra. I smell a celebrity match. Ryder leaves and Beth says she could get Ryder wrapped around her finger too if she wanted. Eve says she’d mind and leaves.

Ace is on the phone when Miz (hometown pop) comes in. He wants to know when he’ll be added to Team Ace. Ace was on the phone with a member of the Board of Directors so Ace is mad. James Roday of Psych comes in and Miz says he’s a guest star, which is the star power Team Ace needs. Miz has a match tonight and if he wins, he’s on the team. Roday is guest ring announcer. He says he’ll Fink it up tonight. Oh and Miz is facing CM Punk.

BRODUS IS BACK NEXT!!!!!

Jinder Mahal vs. Brodus Clay

Jinder now has a case for his turban. The girls still look good, this time in white. Jinder jumps Brodus to start and gets a headbutt for his efforts. There’s the suplex and a splash ends this in 26 seconds.

Brodus dances for a bit post match.

Some rapper is here.

It’s Shawn time. He talks about how it’s going to be the end of an era inside the Cell. Shawn is guest referee and HHH wasn’t aware of that when he told HHH that last week. We get a clip of last week where HHH says he’s going to end the Streak for Shawn. How that makes people stop talking about how Shawn couldn’t do it still eludes me. Shawn has been in the back and he hasn’t heard anyone calling him a loser.

However, there’s one person that hasn’t been around lately. He calls out Undertaker and 27 hours later, Taker is in the ring. Shawn accuses Taker of being the one talking about him and that that’s not cool after what they did at Mania. Taker wants to know if it’s eating at Shawn that he couldn’t get it done. He thinks Shawn is just repeating what HHH has been saying. Taker starts talking about Shawn’s insecurities and Shawn cuts him off.

It was Undertaker that was begging for the match so he’s the insecure one. Last year HHH got so close to beating him that Taker needs another match. Taker says he’s prepared to accept the outcome whether it’s a win or a loss, but he’s not prepared to have Shawn cost him everything.

He says Mania is on April 21st and that Shawn will pay if the outcome isn’t pure. Shawn says this is irony, not destiny. The guy whose career Taker ended might end the Streak. He could still be the guy to end the Streak. Taker says he’ll win and that the Streak will continue and he’ll end an era. If Shawn screws him, he’ll end Shawn. Shawn pulls back like he’s going to superkick Taker but doesn’t move. He leaves with a smile. Shawn gets to the stage and HHH meets him. They share a quick look and Shawn leaves. HHH shoots Taker a crotch chop.

CM Punk vs. The Miz

Roday is the ring announcer. If Miz wins he’s on Team Ace. Miz takes over with a quick knee to the ribs and we take a break 40 seconds in. Back with Miz holding Punk in an abdominal stretch. Punk comes back with some kicks but the GTS is countered. Low DDT gets two. The Finale is countered into the Vice and we’re done at 6:10. Since we saw about 2:20 of that, I’m not going to bother rating it but it was mostly a squash.

Jericho pops up on screen and says that Punk is a fraud. He says he’s found out something about Punk. Punk is straightedge because his father is an alcoholic which is why Punk doesn’t drink. It scares Punk which is why he puts on this big front. Punk is going to drink eventually and Jericho is going to drive him to it. Punk almost freaks out like he’s having a relapse but gets serious again.

We get a commercial for David Otunga’s law offices. See, THAT is the kind of character development that the people in today’s company is starving for.

Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger

Orton takes over to start and sends Jack into the steps as we take a break. Back with Swagger controlling with a top wristlock as Cole says the attendance for at least the third time tonight. Swagger goes after the ankle but misses the Vader Bomb. Jack grabs the ankle but Orton kicks him off and they go up to the corner. A superplex puts Swagger down and Orton comes back with his signature package. RKO ends this clean at 8:30.

Rating: C-. This was fine. Swagger is nothing more than a jobber to the stars and putting the US Title on him was the way they’re trying to keep a victory over him meaning anything. Orton looks strong before the inevitable Kane post match stuff (and hey there it is) which is the right idea.

Post match the Kane pyro goes off and the red light comes on but there’s no Kane.

We recap the Cena rap (with the fourth use of attitudinal by Cole).

HHH, Shawn and Undertaker will be at Raw next week. Cena vs. Henry next week also.

Here’s Rock with a guitar for the Rock Concert. Rock talks about how the people have broken a record. This is the largest sellout crowd the WWE has ever had in Cleveland. He says to chant Cleveland instead of Rock. He wants to know if the people have seen Marky Mark tonight. What’s up with the chain anyway? Also Cena looks like Vanilla Ice crossed with a Teletubbie. And he has pictures. This isn’t funny.

Rock sits down with the guitar and the fans cheer for him. This isn’t about a two minute rap because Cleveland Rocks. Rock gets a spotlight and starts singing what sounds like a parody of Jailhouse Rock. He says Cleveland Rocks a lot and the people cheer. Rock says Cena went to a doctor last week and he’s got a song about it. It ends with Cena wanting a rectal exam. Now he has a story about Cena and Eve. They were making out but Cena has a wife. Ok then.

Now he’s got a story about Cena’s birthday. The doctor wanted to get rid of Cena at birth and Cena had lady parts. THIS ISN’T FUNNY! I know that’s blasphemy but this isn’t funny at all. He keeps singing about how Cleveland Rocks so the fans cheer for him but the stuff he’s saying isn’t funny. He asks if there are any adult male Cena fans and says that they’re virgins in a funny bit. He asks about the ladies. Rock says he loves women and there’s a special woman that he has a song for. He’s going to bring her wine and yeah it’s Cena’s mom.

He has his finale now and it’s for the people. This if for Team Bring It. It’s for the millions you see. It’s We Will Rock You. Rock actually sings the song but throws in some Cena Sucks lines. There are lyrics on the screen for the modified lyrics. Rock totally screws the words up (I mean, we can see them on the screen) and that’s it. No Cena at all. Seriously? This was the lowest Rock has his since he’s been back.

Overall Rating: B. I liked tonight’s show again. The Cena stuff was good, Rock was just dreadful and they plugged a good amount of matches. Plus you get some Brodus time which is never a bad thing. The 12 man tag was finally announced to help flesh out the card a bit. I’m starting to wonder how many more people they’re going to induct into the Hall of Fame (Mil Mascaras was announced on WWE.com earlier today but there was no mention of him tonight) but other than that, everything is getting time. Good Wrestlemania push show.

Results
Sheamus b. Dolph Ziggler – Brogue Kick
David Otunga/Mark Henry b. Santino Marella – World’s Strongest Slam
Brodus Clay b. Jinder Mahal – Splash
CM Punk b. The Miz – Anaconda Vice
Randy Orton b. Jack Swagger – RKO

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Monday Night Raw
Date: August 13, 2001
Location: Allstate Arena, Chicago, Illinois
Attendance: 14,008
Commentators: Jim Ross, Paul Heyman

This is the go home show for Summerslam which I didn’t realize we were that close to. Rock has his title match with Booker that night and we’ll also see Angle vs. Austin in the clash of the Bald Brotherhood even though Angle isn’t bald yet. Tonight the main event is a tag match because that’s what Raw does best of course. Let’s get to it.

There’s a tag title match in a cage.

Here’s the Alliance led by Austin. The rest of the guys are on the floor while he’s alone in the ring. He’s got a contract or a clipboard in his hand. Austin says he’s giving the Alliance guys the chance to shine. Since he joined the Alliance he’s led by example. Starting last Thursday, he’s leading by example. We get a clip of Angle getting Stunned and having his ankle Pillmanized. He praises the Alliance guys for looking good but enough about them.

He’s awesome and wants to know who wants to become famous like Austin? Who’s going to step up tonight? Someone must want Kurt Angle tonight. Heyman starts an RVD chant and RVD jumps up on the apron to accept the challenge. Now he asks for a round of applause for Kanyon/DDP who are the new WWF Tag Team Champions. Now on to Test who has jumped ship to the Alliance. Where’s Rhyno? He Gored Jericho through something lately so Austin praises him.

And then we get to the bad stuff: some people haven’t been listening to Austin’s teachings. Therefore on Thursday, there’s going to be the Steve Austin Invitational, whatever that is. Austin calls attention to Taz, Raven and Hugh Morrus. He yells at Dreamer for being too much of a pushover always asking people if they need anything. As for the three in the ring, he asks Morrus who beat him last Thursday. That would be Chris Jericho. Austin makes fun of Morrus’ name, perhaps debuting the WHAT catchphrase.

Austin rips into Morrus and says he’s not here to be funny so get out of his face. Now it’s Raven. Who beat him last week? That would be Perry Saturn. “He carries a mop. You should have mopped the ring with him.” Austin makes fun of Raven’s catchphrases which gets a big reaction. “You suck, quoth Stone Cold, nevermore.”

And then there’s Taz. This was what was built up as the big face turn in the Alliance but it never happened. Austin rips into Taz for not putting up a fight and being a joke of a human suplex machine. We get a clip of Taz doing nothing while Shane took a Rock Bottom through the table last week on Smackdown.

Austin takes off his belt and says it’s time for a come to Jesus moment. Taz has put him in a bad position and has to be whipped as a result. Austin demands the shirt come off but Taz won’t do it. Instead Austin sends Raven and Morrus plus others in for a beatdown. After What’s Up and a Gore, Austin whips him. Cool segment which didn’t feel like the twenty minutes it took up.

Christian says he’ll be in Edge’s corner for the match tonight.

Tajiri vs. Albert

Tajiri tries his fast strikes but Albert throws him around. A gorilla press drop and a splash get two. He loads up the Derailer but Tajiri slides down and fires off kicks. Tajiri tries the Tarantula but Pac interferes. Regal takes X-Pac out and Tajiri mists him. Baldo Bomb is loaded up but Regal makes the save as the referee is with X-Pac. More mist to Albert and a middle rope dropkick sets up the Buzzsaw Kick for the pin. Too short to rate but this was fast paced and fun.

RVD has challenged Angle to a match for the Hardcore Title match tonight. Angle pops up and says his ankle is sore but he’s got gold medals. He was in worse shape when he won those so yes he accepts the challenge. Hugh Morrus pops up and beats down Angle. And never mind as Kurt Angle remembers he’s fighting Hugh Morrus and comes back with an ankle lock.

Edge/Christian vs. Lance Storm/Justin Credible

We get an Impact Players pose on the stage which is always cool. Why? Because it happened in the past and is therefore inherently awesome. Heyman immediately starts talking about the history of the Alliance team. Christian takes over on Storm to start, hitting an atomic drop and it’s off to Justin. A sitout powerbomb gets two for Justin as the evil ones take over.

Christian takes Storm down and makes the tag to Edge. He cleans house but throws Justin into Christian, sending the latter into the barricade ala Shawn and Owen at Survivor Series 93. There’s no one for Edge to tag and a superkick gets two on him. Edge fights them both off and the Impaler ends Justin. Too short to rate again but this was another entertaining match.

Edge gets put in the Maple Leaf post match but Christian makes the save.

Debra says RVD can beat Angle. Austin says RVD is awesome but Angle is a different kind of animal. Shawn Stasiak comes in to praise Austin’s speeches. Austin tells Stasiak to be more than the son of a former WWF Champion. Stasiak says he’ll do something memorable. This might result in comedy if I remember right.

Kanyon talks to Palumbo/O’Haire about their rematch with Kane/Undertaker tonight. Page tries to fire them up too.

Angle comes in to talk to Regal about the RVD match. Regal tries to tell him to take it easy because of the ankle injury because he doesn’t want to get hurt before Summerslam. Angle says it’s ok and goes into a story about Benjamin Franklin, but Shawn Stasiak comes running in, screaming at the top of his lungs. Angle lets him go crashing into Regal’s suit of armor and Stasiak knocks himself unconscious. This would become a running joke for Stasiak and would actually stay funny.

WCW Tag Titles: Sean O’Haire/Chuck Palumbo vs. Undertaker/Kane

In a cage with the brothers defending. The challengers jump the brothers as they come in, keeping Kane out of the cage. Kane negates this pretty quickly though, slamming the door on O’Haire’s head. Sean takes a chokeslam and the beating begins. He and Palumbo try to run but Undertaker wants more target practice. DDP and Kanyon watch the carnage from the stage. Kane hits another chokeslam on O’Haire. Last Ride to Palumbo as the squash is complete. Page goes after Sara so she climbs into the cage. The champions get stereo pins to retain.

Rating: D-. And that’s because Taker’s wife is hot. This was totally dominant and O’Haire and Palumbo looked like total jobbers. Allegedly there was some big thing where they were disrespectful backstage, but instead of fining them, they got squashed on TV regularly, completely losing any potential value they could have had until Palumbo realized he was almost gay.

Here are Rhyno and Stephanie for some talking. Her rack looks great here, fresh off the plastic surger. She feels very good because Rhyno gored Jericho through the Smackdown set last week. We get a clip of it and to be fair, it did look pretty awesome. Jericho must have had a screw knocked loose because he’s accepted Rhyno’s challenge for Summerslam. Rhyno says it would be an honor to take Jericho out. Stephanie wants to see the video again but here’s Jericho in person.

Jericho says it’s true that he’s never beaten Rhyno, but he’ll take care of the smelly greasy nasty animal at Summerslam. “And I’m going to get you too Rhyno.” Jericho talks about how Rhyno promised to get the job done, but it appears that Stephanie would know about getting a job done. We get a comparison of Stephanie being flat as compared to now when she could put an eye out. Jokes abound withStephanie trying to cover up and making them look even bigger is funny.

She claims that Jericho is just having a wild imagination. Rhyno cuts him off and says come down here and say it. Cue Booker of all people who says that Stephanie is all natural. He says she looks good and thinks she’s taking her vitamins. Booker implies Jericho looks like a woman and says go join the Backstreet Boys. Jericho says go join the A-Team. I love it when a promo comes together. Booker says on Sunday he’s taking Rock to school.

Cue Rock to talk about Booker taking him to school. Rock says imagine Booker in high school: the only 27 year old senior, waiting on the bus with his mama. BEEP BEEP! Then Booker could get to class. “Ok class: what is 2+2. Booker? Thomas Jefferson sucka!” Booker is intelligent but not as smart as Shane. Shane wouldn’t even come out here tonight after the beating Rock gave him on Thursday.

Jericho says that in the ring, we have a manbeast and a ho’s beast. We have the Gore and the…..Stephanie: “SHUT UP!” Rock thinks we should have a rhyming contest. Rock: “Booker T and Shane, the WCW sucker and the silver spoon mother……” and Stephanie misses her cut off so they have to censor Rock. Stephanie makes the obvious tag match tonight. This would be promo #2 tonight that went over eighteen minutes. Spending 1/3 of your show on two promos isn’t a good idea. Jericho: “Thanks Stephanie. You’re the breast.” Rock was feeling it here too so this was funny stuff.

Hurricane Helms comes in to see Austin. He’s been inspired by the speech Austin gave earlier. Austin and Debra make fun of the Green Lantern tattoo on his shoulder. That reminds Austin of Kurt Angle but Hurricane doesn’t think Angle could beat Green Lantern. Hurricane says he tries to fly too. Austin says go act like a hurricane.

Test vs. Spike Dudley

This is because of a six man on Sunday. Test overpowers him to start and throws Spike (didn’t he have a broken leg?) over the top to counter the Dudley Dog. Back in Test misses the big elbow and Spike speeds things up. He hits a middle rope rana but the Dudley Dog is countered again. Big boot ends this quick.

The APA and the Dudleys come in for the post match brawl.

Matt/Lita and Angle shoot the breeze before making fun of Green Lantern. Hurricane comes in and slaps Angle’s milk away. You know that means a whooping.

Hardcore Title: Rob Van Dam vs. Kurt Angle

Rob meets him in the aisle. Remember that Kurt has a bad ankle. Rob is rammed into various metal objects and it’s all Kurt to start. Austin and Debra are watching in the back. RVD comes back with his spin kick to the back of Angle on the barricade for two. Into the ring for the first time and Rob brings in a chair.

Naturally he goes into it which gets two for Kurt. Van Dam comes back with a spin kick and the chair surfboard for two. Kurt tries to go up but gets kicked in the head. He responds by taking Van Dam’s head off with a clothesline. Alliance guys run in to break up the ankle lock but Angle hits the Slam on RVD. Jeff Hardy runs in and hits a Swanton on RVD to steal the title.

Rating: C+. Like most of the other short matches tonight, this was energetic enough to make up for the shortness. Jeff winning the title gave him something to do and it was pretty clear that Angle wasn’t going into the main event of Summerslam as the Hardcore Champion. Fast paced and fun here, which are the words of the night for almost all of the wrestling so far.

Austin is in the bathroom when Stasiak is here to apologize. Austin swings the door open to knock him out cold again. Still funny.

Chris Jericho/The Rock vs. Rhyno/Booker T

Jericho and Rhyno start us off and the Canadian hits a cross body to take over. Middle rope missile dropkick gets one as Booker saves. Off to Rock to fire off some rights. Back to Jericho who hits the bulldog but Booker clotheslines him down from the apron. Off to Booker who walks into a flapjack. Stephanie continues to look horrible when she tries to show emotion. Off to Rock and Rhyno with Rock dominating.

Back to Booker and Rhyno low bridges Rock to send him out to the floor, giving the Alliance control. Booker hits a big kick for two. After more of a beating, Booker pulls of a Spinrooni. Was there ever a shirt for that? Back to Rhyno and Rock takes him down with ease and makes the tag to Jericho.

Neckbreaker gets two for Jericho and everything breaks down. Stephanie manages to hit Jericho with a chair and a WCW referee runs down to count two. Rock pulls and then knocks him out. Jericho hooks the Walls on Rhyno and a WWF referee is taken out by Shane. Stephanie comes in, allowing Rhyno to hit Jericho low, roll him up and pin him.

Rating: C. This was your usual main event tag match but the ending was pretty weak. It pushed both matches, but at the same time it felt like it was more about Jericho vs. Stephanie than Jericho vs. Rhyno and we never really got a major payoff to Jericho vs. Stephanie, which sucks for the most part.

Post match Rock cleans house and beats up Shane too. Rock Bottoms all around but Booker intercepts Rock and hits the Bookend. The Alliance stands tall to end the show.

Overall Rating: B-. This was a good show overall, especially with the big hype to Summerslam. Rock vs. Booker was the focus of tonight which is fine when you have Austin vs. Angle selling itself. The show would wind up being good but Austin vs. Angle was always kind of a letdown for me. Good go home show though.

Here’s Summerslam if you’re interested:

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Monday Night Raw
Date: August 17, 1998
Location: Veterans’ Coliseum, Des Moines, Iowa
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Another week here and we’ve now got two more shows counting this one before Summerslam. That means another gimmick needs to be added to one of the matches. After last week there’s another conspiracy going around about Taker and Kane which I’m sure will be pounded into our heads all night. Let’s get to it.

We open with Vince trying to kick open Vince’s door, shouting that he has 15 seconds to get to the ring.

Theme song opens us up.

We open up with Highway to Hell playing and a hearse backs into the arena. Oh I remember this one. Austin is driving the car and there’s a casket in the back. He pops it open and there’s beer in it. That makes me smile. Austin says he has 23 more beers and has no problem holding things up until Vince gets here. Instead he gets Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco. Slaughter comes out too, as the jackass behind curtain #3 according to Austin.

Vince comes out and Austin says hurry up because you’re starting to tick me off. Austin says Vince must be happy about Austin and Taker losing the titles, but it means they’re not tied together anymore. Vince has said that Austin has a foot in the grave. Tonight, that foot is going up inside Vince to give him a preview of Summerslam. Taker goes in the hearse tonight.

Ken Shamrock vs. Owen Hart vs. Dan Severn

Shamrock gets Owen at the PPV and Severn is kind of in there on the side. Lawler promises a statement from the White House tonight. Severn heads to the floor to start as the others pound on each other. The Nation is thrown out. We get a loud nugget chant as Owen controls with a legdrop. Owen rams shoulders in the corner and Severn hasn’t done a thing yet.

Enziguri puts Shamrock down for no cover. Shamrock comes back with a hurricanrana and a belly to belly for two as Severn breaks it up. That’s it for Severn at the moment as Owen takes over with a suplex on Ken. Ankle lock to Owen but Severn hooks a dragon sleeper on Shamrock. The match is stopped without a tap and Severn wins.

Rating: D. Pretty boring match here as Severn was using strategy but that doesn’t mean it’s interesting. He never was cut out for pro wrestling as he didn’t have the charisma to make it work. He was NWA World Champion at this point I believe, which probably explains why you never hear about that title anymore.

He won’t let go of the hold so Blackman comes out to get left laying also. Owen and Severn have joined forces it seems.

Ad for WWF War Zone. Smackdown vs. Raw it’s not.

Brawl For All Semi-Finals: Godfather vs. Bart Gunn

A Bill Clinton impersonator calls in making Monica Lewinsky jokes. Godfather says he’s not even offering the ho’s tonight. Bart dominates and wins by knockout in the third round.

Blackman and Shamrock break stuff in the back.

As we go to a break, we hear Jerry talking to Vince about how he was supposed to get a line in. Nice job guys.

Dan Severn is coaching Owen for his Lion’s Den match. They’ve left for the night.

Brian Christopher vs. Gangrel

This is Gangrel’s Raw debut. He won last night on Heat with an Impaler. Edge is chilling in the crowd watching Gangrel. Brian jumps him to start and hits a middle rope bulldog to take over. Gangrel hits a tiger driver and the Impaler to end this quick.

Shamrock and Blackman say they’ll break Owen and Severn. Did we really need to spend this much time on these four tonight?

DX and the Nation brawls in the back.

Disciples of Apocalypse vs. Farrooq/Scorpio

Clinton is on the phone again for this. Farrooq and let’s say 8-Ball start things off and Farrooq hits a middle rope clothesline for two. Off to Scorpio and Skull with the stronger guy taking over. DX and the Nation are still fighting in the back. Scorpio comes back with Trouble in Paradise and makes the tag to Farrooq. DX and the Nation brawls into the arena as Scorpio hits the 450. There’s no referee though and it’s Twin Magic resulting in a small package win for DOA.

Rating: D+. The match was a mess but this was about setting up the DX vs. Nation brawl. They have a street fight scheduled for later on but I have a feeling that match isn’t actually going to happen. Scorpio was a guy I always liked but the Disciples were so boring and so generic and you saw them so many times they they didn’t interest anyone.

D-Generation X vs. Nation of Domination

This is a street fight and they actually have their intros. There are only three Nation members because Godfather is still shaken up. This in no way resembles a wrestling match so I’m not really going to call it one. Rock takes over for his team with a cookie sheet. He manages to hit the People’s Elbow on Roadie but Billy saves the pin.

Billy piledrives I think Rock on something metal and here’s Jeff Jarrett of all people to fight X-Pac. Southern Justice comes out and it’s a huge brawl. Jarrett cuts X-Pac’s hair as HHH takes a Rock Bottom. A ladder is brought in and HHH gets destroyed with it even worse. He gets left under the ladder and the Nation leaves.

Rating: C. You can’t really give this a grade so I’ll put it right in the middle. The match was fun for the most part but these wild brawls with people coming out for no apparent reason like Jarrett would get old in a hurry. They’re still better than the NWO endings on Nitro though. The feud would end soon.

Here are Tiger Ali Singh and Babu. Oh it’s Abu now. Ok then. We get a clip of Abu training earlier today. He’s still in the sweaty clothes that he wore earlier so whoever comes in here and licks his unwashed feet gets $500. The guy does it with no reluctance at all and gets paid.

Here are Sable and Jackie for an arm wrestling contest. If you’ve seen one of these, you’ve seen them all. Jackie shoves the table over and hurts Sable’s ribs. She takes a trophy that Sable brought with her and knocks Sable out until the Oddities make the save.

Val says he’ll run the Kai En Tai gauntlet to get five minutes with Yamaguchi-San.

Droz’s World is about his tattoos.

Brawl For All Semi-Finals: Darren Drozdov vs. Bradshaw

Bradshaw wins a decision to face Gunn next week.

Video on Al Snow and we see him at a bar. Head is drunk apparently so Snow takes the keys.

Sable is coming back out here.

Dustin says don’t be bad.

Here’s Sable who wants to fight Jackie right now. Jackie says no but we’ll have a mixed tag. Luna and the Oddities jump Jackie.

Val Venis vs. Kai En Tai

This is a gauntlet match. If Val can beat all four in a row, he gets five minutes with Yamaguchi-San. Men’s Teiyoh is first and Val is rolled up for two. Val comes back with some clotheslines and a fisherman’s suplex for a pin. Here’s Funaki who is powerslammed and pinned in about 5 seconds. Togo is third and Clinton is back on the phone. A powerbomb gets two for Venis and Clinton is gone. Val hits some knees to the ribs and a tilt-a-whirl slam. A powerbomb (good one too) sets up the Money Shot to get him to Taka, the last man.

The idea is that Val is getting tired despite having wrestled about five minutes. Taka has better luck, knocking Val to the floor and hitting that corner dive of his. Val comes back with the size and power advantage including a butterfly suplex for two. Taka can’t Michinoku Drive him so Val slams him down but misses the elbow. The Michinoku Driver ends this clean.

Rating: D+. The match was pretty boring, but what was the point in Val losing here? I mean, why make him go through three of them and then lose to the fourth? Not a very good match but it’s cool to see Taka hit that dive most of the time. I think this ends this feud if nothing else.

Mrs. Yamaguchi-San comes down to slap Val so Val sprays them with some white stuff from a pink cannon. Yeah that’s how funny they were in the 90s.

Here’s Undertaker to close the show. He has the high collar on and you can’t see his face. Austin has called him out all night so here’s the champ. Kane’s pyro goes off and yep it’s Kane. Kane beats on Austin for awhile but Austin takes over and clotheslines him to the floor. They fight up the hearse and Austin throws Kane inside. He goes to drive it off but Undertaker is in the driver’s seat. Highway To Hell plays and Taker drives it off to end the show. JR freaks out because Kane and Undertaker are leaving together, because that’s the only possible ending this could have had right?

Overall Rating: C-. This show went by very fast. It’s not a very good show but it’s not bad either. They pushed the HHH vs. Rock match and the main event really strong, but other than that it felt all over the place. I mean, did we really need that much on Shamrock vs. Owen or Jackie vs. Sable? Not a bad show but they need to get to Summerslam.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: August 10, 1998
Location: Omaha Civic Auditorium, Omaha, Nebraska
Attendance: 7,601
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Back to 1998 as my trip into all the short shows is done. We’re getting very close to Summerslam at this point with I believe three weeks to go. The main event tonight is a four way for the tag titles with Kane/Mankind defending against a bunch of people. Other than that we have the other Brawl For All Quarter-Finals. Let’s get to it.

Here’s Mankind to open the show. He says he’s tired of being lied to and deceived. He wants the truth and only one person has ever given him that: Vince McMahon. Mankind sits and waits for Vince to get here and pulls his hair out to pass the time. Vince finally gets here and Mankind says he needs his help.

Vince says this must be humiliating for Mankind and that he detests people that need help. The truth hurts, like when Kane was swinging for Mankind last week. Undertaker hit him with a chair too. Vince is calling him Mick now. Last night Undertaker disguised himself as Kane but it might as well have been Kane himself. The brothers are in collusion against everyone in the WWF. They’re one in the same you see.

Cue Kane and Bearer with Paul yelling at Vince, saying that Vince is the real manipulator of the WWF. Vince isn’t going to get into his mind or Kane’s mind either. Vince: “Are you done venting your spleen?” Vince says that that’s Undertaker under the Kane mask and demands it be removed. There go the lights but when they come back on Taker is in the ring in his regular gear and there’s no Kane. Taker grabs Vince by the throat but Mankind saves Vince.

Val Venis and John Wayne Bobbitt are having a joint press conference tonight.

Undertaker goes into his locker room and Kane can be seen inside.

Cue Sable to introduce Luna and the Oddities. Kurrgan dancing is still funny.

Luna vs. Jacqueline

Luna slams Jackie into the mat to start and Sable takes Mero down on the floor. Kurrgan glares Mero down when he comes after Sable and the match grinds to a halt. Jackie goes up top but gets crotched. A neckbreaker puts Jackie down and Luna goes up for a splash. Her hip kind of almost hits Jackie’s face but it gets the pin anyway. What a mess.

Highway to Hell Summerslam video. This is still awesome, even with Jerry talking to the director over it.

DX arrives. Oh wait it’s just the Outlaws.

Brawl For All Quarter-Finals: Savio Vega vs. Darren Drozdov

Droz is replacing Hawk who he injured. I’m not even going to waste my time with this. Droz wins and Savio was injured during this, meaning he never wrestled for WWF again.

Chyna tells Cole to Suck It and shoves him into a car. There’s a rumor that DX is splitting tonight.

Legion of Doom vs. Southern Justice

Hawk falls down the ramp. After a break the suits won’t let Hawk compete so Droz replaces him. Thank goodness Tennessee Lee got dumped last night. There’s no match as Jeff Jarrett comes out and breaks the guitar over Droz’s head in retaliation for a loss last night. Jeff cuts Droz’s hair.

X-Pac arrives.

Here are the Outlaws in serious mode. Pac comes out alone, followed by HHH and Chyna. HHH says everyone wants to know where DX stands but Pac cuts him off, saying he’s had enough of this. He says HHH and Chyna are jackoffs, so HHH calls Pac a jackoff. The Outlaws are jackoffs too. JR declares DX dead, and since no wrestling announcer has EVER jumped to conclusions it must be true! Everyone agrees that they’re all jackoffs and HHH says they’re not sure if they should split. HHH says it’s time for the split so they all start to take down their pants. Chyna stops them and takes her’s down. Not bad.

Austin throws Cole in the shower in the back. Not a good night for him.

Vader vs. Godfather

Bart Gunn pops up at the announce desk and wants respect from JR instead of hearing about how Williams had a bad knee. Godfather offers the ladies to Vader, most of which are flat out ugly. This takes awhile and Vader takes the girls. Bart Gunn knocks out Vader and takes Godfather down. Yes, this whole thing was a build up to the Brawl For All next week.

Dustin Rhodes says read the Bible and watch the Discovery Channel. He is coming back. This segment was sponsored by Evangelists Against Television Movies and Entertainment. Man when Vince wants to drive something in he doesn’t stop does he?

Here are Val and John Wayne Bobbitt (dude that got a rather specific area cut off by his wife. It was reattached and he made an adult movie about it. This was in 1993 so why they’re doing this now I’m not sure) for a press conference. He has an ice pack between his legs. He makes some expected jokes in a sad voice but then reveals that he’s fine. Lawler makes his own jokes and Val dumps Mrs. Yamaguchi-San for causing him all this trouble. He throws her a battery in a funny bit.

Edge is here.

Brawl For All Quarter-Finals: Bradshaw vs. Marc Mero

Bradshaw wins by points in overtime. Next.

Taker says he’ll explain his actions in the ring.

Tag Titles: The Rock/Owen Hart vs. Undertaker/Steve Austin vs. New Age Outlaws vs. Kane/Mankind

You can’t pin your partner, which is called the Outlaw Rule. During the Outlaws’ entrance, Ken Shamrock comes out and puts Owen in the ankle lock. It turns into a big brawl with HHH coming out as Owen taps to the ankle lock. The Nation fights DX and we take a break. D’Lo is replacing Owen. There’s no Mankind with Kane and Bearer. Oh wait he’s just behind them. Austin and Taker are the champions if that got lost in the shuffle.

In case you’re keeping track, every champion in the company other than Taka is in this match. Austin and Mankind start things off with Mankind getting a fast Mandible Claw which is broken up quickly. Neckbreaker gets two for Foley. He heads to the floor to avoid a Stunner though and walks up the ramp. Rock vs. Austin now and Mankind is back. Brown comes in and hits a spin kick as I think Lawler is losing his voice.

Brown takes a Thesz Press and Austin tags Kane. Kane tags Billy as this is moving very fast. Fameasser puts Brown down as does a gorilla press which gets two. Roadie comes in with the shaky knee for two. Mankind comes in to beat Roadie down but the pulling piledriver is countered. Back to Brown as these tags are almost impossible to keep track of. Finally we get to the important part though as Austin and Taker have to tag and they take turns killing Billy Gunn.

Gunn finally falls into a tag to Austin, making the partners legal. They wisely bring Road Dogg in because they can’t pin each other so there’s nothing to gain by fighting. Old School takes Road Dogg down and Taker tags in Brown. D’Lo hooks a chinlock and things finally slow down. There’s the Low Down but Billy makes the save. Rock comes back in and drops the People’s Elbow to a ROAR. Things slow way down as Mankind comes in. He spits at Austin and Taker but walks into a Russian legsweep from Road Dogg to put him down.

There’s the tag to Undertaker and everything breaks down as we’ve expected it to do the entire match. Kane hasn’t been in the match yet and is standing on the apron during the big brawl. Taker knocks everyone down and Mankind tags Kane. He chokeslams Undertaker very easily and wins the titles.

Rating: C. This was a mess and that’s all it was designed to be. It’s not like the titles meant anything here so changing them is fine. Russo was booking at this point so having everything be crazy like this is one of his trademarks. Still though, for a TV main event this was pretty huge and it worked pretty well.

Overall Rating: C-. Not the best show but it wasn’t bad. The Brawl For All ends in two weeks and I couldn’t be happier. It stops the show dead every time and with these little three minute fights, no one is going to be able to get into them. Anyway, ok show here but it’s clear they’re counting the days until Summerslam.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: March 5, 2012
Location: TD Garden, Boston, Massachusetts
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

We have four Raws to go before Wrestlemania and tonight’s is star studded to say the least. We have Rock, HHH, Undertaker and Shawn scheduled to be on the show tonight so there’s definitely an old school feel to it. Other than that I’d expect more build to the PPV as almost everything is set in stone by this point. That’s probably a good thing though. Let’s get to it.

Teddy Long is in charge tonight.

Here’s Shawn to open the show. He says he loves hearing the HBK chant now because it allows him to catch his breath because he can’t move around that well anymore. Shawn talks about how things got heated with him and HHH but that’s all over because now the match is on. He asks HHH to come out here. Here’s the Game and they hug. Shawn reminds HHH of all the things that he said last week and even said he called HHH a coward, somehow getting away with it.

Something must have changed HHH’s mind and Shawn has to know what it was. HHH doesn’t look happy. The fans chant for Undertaker. HHH starts to talk but Shawn cuts him off as he wants to see the moment HHH agreed to the match with his buddy. We see the clip and of HHH agreeing after Taker said Shawn is better. HHH starts to talk again but Shawn cuts him off. It was saying Shawn was better that set HHH off.

HHH says he left Shawn a voicemail about this but if we need to do this in front of the world so be it. HHH says this isn’t about which of them is better. He’s tired of hearing people talk about how Shawn couldn’t get the job done. He’s tired of people calling Shawn a failure who was never as good as he thought he was. HHH is his best friend and the guy that believes that Shawn is the best ever. HHH is going to end the Streak to shut those people up about Shawn. How would that shut them up exactly? Shawn is a little offended by this and says HHH will lose again. Oh, AND HE’S GUEST REFEREE.

US Title: Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella

Ace and Otunga come out almost immediately. Santino loads up the Cobra but Ace distracts, allowing Ziggler to interfere and Swagger hits the gutwrench powerbomb…for two? Cue Teddy with Kofi and we go to a break. The portion we saw lasted about a minute and I’m assuming it was thrown out. Amazingly enough it’s not a tag match yet! Teddy and Ace get in a fight almost immediately as Ziggler interferes AGAIN. Kofi smacks him so Ziggler gets a Cobra. Vickie avoids one so Aksana gets in a fight with her. Santino counters the Cobra into the ankle lock as Teddy knocks Ace down. Santino counters the ankle lock into a rollup AND WINS THE TITLE AT 6:30!!!!! I’m legit shocked.

Rating: D+. The match was an overbooked mess but it was awesome. I’m not a Santino fan at all but it’s not like the title means anything on Swagger. The title died the minute Ryder lost it so putting it on Santino is just fine. I’m glad they didn’t turn this into a tag match as it gave me a legit surprise.

Ace freaks out but Teddy says this is his show and throws Ace out. Santino, Kofi, Aksana and Teddy all do the Trombone.

Rock is in Boston and he’s got a history lesson for Cena. This is filmed on location earlier in the day. He talks about how the British were in people of Boston’s faces every day. Then in 1773, the Boston people threw the tea in the ocean and called it the Boston Tea Party. So tonight, Rock is going to throw some of Cena’s stuff in the ocean. He has a bunch of merchandise. “John Cena midget shorts. Who would buy these things? They’re an insult to midgets. The John Cena garden gnome. There’s a man somewhere with one of these in his garden. And he’s a virgin.” Rock is coming to start the Rock Revolution tonight.

Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox

Kelly is on commentary and talking about being nominated for a Kids’ Choice Award. Rollup, 34 seconds.

Post match cue RYDER to a big pop. He can at least walk now. Broskis before Hoeskis.

Post break Eve tries to apologize to Ryder and kisses him. She walks off smiling and Ryder seems to fall for it.

We cut to earlier today with Cena alone in the arena. I’ve always liked shots like that. He talks about Wrestlemania and how it’ll be full of moments. With everything that’ll be happening, all eyes will be on two men and one match. He talks about how Boston is now being the city of champions after being the city of broken hearts for so long. Cena talks about them losing the Super Bowl to the Giants but no one remembers second place. If he loses, he’s just another name in Rock’s book. But if he wins, it’s the biggest match ever and no one remembers second place.

CM Punk/Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho/Daniel Bryan

Smackdown has made me loathe these main event style tags. You know, Bryan has looked like a complete afterthought in his feud. The two of them haven’t interacted at all that I remember. They’ve probably been in the ring together a few times but it’s been nothing significant. Jericho and Punk start and Chris is knocked to the corner very quickly. Off to Bryan and Sheamus with Sheamus beating on him like he stole something. Clothesline gets two.

Back to the starters with Jericho getting in a shot to the ribs which are still hurt from last week. We take a break and come back with Punk coming up out of a hold, only to get side slammed. They’re really pushing the social media tonight, reading tweets from “fans”. Off to Sheamus who hits the Irish Curse for two on Jericho. Jericho gets his springboard dropkick to take over and Sheamus is down.

Jericho hooks a chinlock but misses a running knee in the corner. Double tag to Punk and Bryan and Punk springboards in, hurting his back in the process. He comes back with one arm though and manages to slam Bryan and hit the elbow. Everything breaks down and Sheamus loads up the Celtic Cross on Bryan but Jericho saves. I can’t keep up with all this. Jericho goes for the Walls on Punk but Punk counters to a small package but Jericho counters into one of his own for the pin at 10:57.

Rating: C. See, this one helps as it actually gives us a new wrinkle in this story. Jericho has a pin over Punk now so the title is in some more jeopardy. That’s a big perk as until then, it was Jericho trying to make Punk tap which just wasn’t going to happen. Not a bad match either with Punk’s top notch selling helping a lot.

Off to Paul Revere’s statue. Rock wants to know what would happen if Cena was riding instead of Revere. We’d all be having tea and blessing the Queen. Rock would have to invent a time machine and go back to 1776 to beat up Cena. With the Flux Capacitor smoking, the Rock, 25% black, 25% Samoan and 50% Clydesdale, Ben Franklin would say forget you kite, THIS MAN invented electricity. We get Rock’s version of Yankee Doodle involving a feather going into John Cena and calling it a jabroni. Hilarious stuff.

Big Show vs. The Miz

Miz immediately hits the floor and Cody is on the ramp. He says there’s nothing worse than embarrassment. There’s no clip this week, because at Mania 18, Show was at the WWE restaurant in New York instead of having a match. Miz jumps Show but is speared down and the WMD gets the pin at 2:00, about 1:40 of which was Cody talking/the clip.

Time for the third Rock history lesson. He’s in front of the Massachusetts State House and talks about how the revolution lead to the birth of a new nation. The people have been waiting for ten years for Rock to overthrow John Cena and tonight, Rock is in the Garden.

Undertaker will confront Shawn next week.

Kane vs. R-Truth

Truth talks about Little Jimmy a bit before the match. Truth attacks him in the corner to start and gets beaten down quickly. He gets in a few punches but the axe kick misses. Chokeslam gets the pin at 1:23.

As soon as Kane does the corner fire, here’s Orton. Truth grabs Kane’s foot so Orton can hit the RKO. He wants a mic and says it’s good to be back.

Here’s Cena for the big closing number. He says the place is pumped and he knows why. The Rock is back. He means the real Rock, the one he needs to face at Wrestlemania. Rock has been giving history lessons all day and it’s exciting. But if you get through all of the theatrics, what is Rock really saying? He’s obsessed with breakfast cereal, he’s obsessed with how Cena looks, and talks about how many women he’s slept with. Am I fighting Rock or Situation from Jersey Shore?

Last week Rock was shaken by what Cena said and that’s never happened before. Cena says look at me. He looks ridiculous. He’s wearing kneepads to talk to you people tonight, but this is what shook the Rock. But tonight Rock has his swagger back. He wants to see The Rock in this ring right now. Not Dwayne, but The Rock. Cue Rock and Cena is even more fired up.

Rock says he’s never been shaken and unconfident. When you strip everything away, at the Rock’s core, Rock is 6’4, 260lbs of man that is going to rip Cena’s throat out. At Cena’s core, he’ll always be a little boy. And that’s it? Rock leaves with that and Cena says that doesn’t intimidate him one bit.

In a brilliant bit, Cena reads Rock’s height and weight off his arm. Rock can rip his throat out and he’s going to have to do just that to beat him. Cena says he’ll make history at Wrestlemania when he wins and that’s it. Cena dives into the fans to end the show. I’m assuming that’s his family or something. He hugs his dad and apparently the rest of his family. Cena’s wife is shown on camera and is really pretty.

Overall Rating: A. I love and hate Wrestlemania time. It gives us great episodes like this one but it also reminds you of how bad the rest of the year can be. The key word for tonight would be smart. Everything had a point and made sense, which is arguably the most important thing a wrestling show can do. I’m fired up for Wrestlemania and that’s hitting at the right time. Great show tonight and I want to see more.

Results
Santino Marella b. Jack Swagger – Rollup
Eve Torres b. Alicia Fox – Rollup
Chris Jericho/Daniel Bryan b. CM Punk/Sheamus – Small package to Punk
Big Show b. The Miz – WMD
Kane b. R-Truth – Chokeslam

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Ricky Steamboat, Ric Flair, Magnum TA……Santino Marella?

Swagger wasn’t doing jack with it so putting it on someone the people love and who is at least on TV every week is fine.

Thoughts?