TNA One Night Only – Knockouts Knockdown III: One Of The Worst Shows I’ve Ever Seen

Knockouts Knockdown III
Date: July 1, 2015
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 1,100
Commentators: Jeremy Borash, Rockstar Spud

I’m finally getting back to these things after a few months away. Not because they didn’t air them or anything but because they’re hard to find. Can you blame people for not wanting to put them up though? It’s another series of qualifying matches for a big gauntlet match to end the show because that’s all these things know how to do. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is standard stuff that you would expect here. I’m thinking the “standard” part is going to be a recurring theme here.

Christy Hemme and Jeremy Borash are in the ring to open the show and explain the concept. This brings out the BroMans to judge the women who will be challenging the Knockouts because they need to fill in time. Jesse is dating Angelina Love and Robbie has dumped Brooke and gotten Velvet Sky fired. He’s single and ready to mingle. The crowd on the other hand sounds like they’re ready to go to a funeral.

After ejecting Christy and JB, Robbie brings out the aspiring Knockouts, lead by Mia Yim (Jade), making this even more dated than it already was. Jesse is handling the interviewing, starting with Mia, whose dream for tonight involves Jesse himself. She thinks of slapping him off the top two years ago, but Jesse says it didn’t count because his mom didn’t see it. Next up is Alisha from Boston, who keeps correcting Jesse that it’s Alisha, not Alicia. She’s better known as Alexxis Neveah and isn’t interested in going home with either BroMan tonight (probably because she’s married to Eddie Edwards).

Su Yung is from Seattle and is asked for her drink of choice. From Starbucks, you start with shots of vanilla and carmel, plus fat free, low calorie soy milk. Much like the other two, Robbie isn’t interested in taking a picture with her due to her taste in milk. Next up is someone Robbie has a crush on: Thea Trinidad, formerly known as Rosita. Robbie bends over to pick up his selfie stick but Thea thinks it’s disgusting. No picture, but then again you’re not aspiring when you’re a former champion in the company.

Solo Darling and her furry ears implies that Jesse and Robbie are a couple and thinks adorable is a number. Laura Dennis (Cherry Bomb) lives by the code of sex, weights and protein shakes, which is finally enough to get a picture with the team. Finally we have Mary Kate from Tampa says she didn’t come here to play games with these buffoons, but she kisses Robbie for a potential advantage in her match. Robbie: “I LIKE HER!!! I WANT TO MARRY HER!!!” DJZ announces the matches for tonight but I’ll leave those for a surprise. Each of the opponents comes out to drag this even further.

This segment ran twenty five minutes, out of a show that runs less than two hours and forty five minutes.

Clips of Gail Kim winning the first competition in 2013.

Clips of Madison Rayne winning the competition last year.

Madison asks Christy Hemme about her family but cuts her off because Madison doesn’t care. She promises to win tonight and get her crown back.

Madison Rayne vs. Alisha

Before the match, Madison tells Earl Hebner to hang on a second. Madison asks Alisha what her name is but doesn’t care to hear it. The crown belong to her so Alisha doesn’t even need to look that way. The opening bell rings over thirty two minutes into the show. A quick rollup gets two on Madison and Alisha sends her into the corner, prompting a demand for a timeout. Alisha hammers away as the commentators have set a record by staying on topic for the first two minutes of a match.

Rayne gets sent outside for a breather before getting two off a rollup of her own. This isn’t the most thrilling stuff in the world so far. Madison slams Alisha’s face into the mat in her signature way before they hit cross bodies at the same time. Madison takes over again with a kick to the head but stops to yell at Hebner, allowing Alisha to get two more off a rollup. Back up and Madison grabs a rollup (and trunks) for the pin to advance to the gauntlet main event.

Rating: D. Oh man this is going to be a long night. Madison is great as the evil stuck up character but I have a bad feeling we’re going to have a bunch of clones fighting the Knockouts. That doesn’t make things interesting because it makes the rest of the card feel like a waste of the time before we find out which Knockout is chosen to win tonight.

Thea Trinidad says she’s been in TNA before (thank goodness) and she’s here tonight get some revenge on Angelina Love for past issues. She talks about the Hardys and Tommy Dreamer mentoring her and this again feels like filling in time.

Angelina Love, with boyfriend Jesse Godderz, says she’s awesome and will be the Queen of the Knockouts tonight. Rebel and Crazzy Steve come up and honk a horn. Did I mention this was taped a long time ago?

Angelina Love vs. Thea Trinidad

Feeling out process to start until Trinidad gets two off a suplex. Love sends her into the middle rope for some choking, followed by some backbreakers for two. A quickly broken chinlock is countered into a small package to give Thea two. Love comes right back with a Hennig necksnap and it’s off to a full nelson with the legs. Back up and Thea kicks her in the face for two, Matrixes away from a kick, and totally botches a bulldog.

After copying three of Trish Stratus’ signature moves (minus the springboard on the bulldog), Thea connects with a moonsault but Jesse gets on the apron for a distraction. Cue Crazzy Steve to pull him off though, allowing Thea to knock Angelina off the apron and out onto Godderz. Apparently that one crash is enough for the countout to advance Trinidad.

Rating: D. So we had to sit through seven and a half minutes to get to part of the Menagerie causing a countout because Love can get knocked down for ten seconds off what was basically a high cross body. Unfortunately I’d assume we’re using this to set up a tag match later in the show because they have no idea how to fill in two and a half hours on a Knockouts show.

Post match Robbie and DJZ come in to help with the beatdown so here’s Knux for the save to set up the six person tag for later. Oh and it’s elimination rules to make it even longer.

Gail Kim, who is pro women’s wrestling, says this is her favorite show of the year. She wants the crown.

Gail Kim vs. Laura Dennis

Before the match, Gail brings up Laura answering an open challenge back in 2013. Gail offers a handshake but Laura pulls her into for a cheap shot to take over early. That’s more personality than the other two have shown so far. Gail avoids a charge in the corner though and sends her face first into the buckle, setting up the figure four around the post. Well she is Canadian after all.

Dennis crawls up the ramp so Gail can’t dive on her. Back in and Laura gets in a knee to the ribs to take over again before busting out some Cattle Mutilation. Gail rolls out of that and ties up the arm while bending Laura’s leg over her shoulder to make it kind of a half crab. The hold looks too awesome to keep it on very long so Gail hits a Stinger Splash and the running cross body to the ribs for two. Eat Defeat puts Dennis away.

Rating: C-. I have a feeling this isn’t getting topped tonight. As you might expect, the most talented in ring Knockout there is and the one who has been wrestling for ten years had a good match. Dennis was solid enough out there, but like I’ve said too often tonight, I can’t get much out of them in a seven minute match and a quick promo.

Quick Knockouts music video. Nice job on showing Taryn in her Dollhouse gimmick after showing her as the old version in the arena.

Havok wants to fight Amazing Kong. Yes Amazing.

Solo Darling vs. Havok

Darling has furry ears and a long tail. Heaven help me she’s wrestling with the tail on. Havok throws her around to start and it’s time to talk about Spud’s pajamas. Solo’s right hands to the stomach have no effect so Havok puts on a weak full nelson. A backbreaker sets up some choking in the corner, followed by some hard running kicks to the jaw. Solo avoids another kick and comes back with some of the lamest shots to the ribs that I’ve ever seen. Havok’s powerbomb is countered with a hurricanrana but a chokeslam ends Darling in a hurry.

Rating: D. Just a squash here but Darling’s offense looked pathetic. To be fair though this was back when Havok was interesting (and employed) so it was cool to see her built up as someone who could fight Kong in a big showdown. Ignore the fact that the showdown wound up being lame of course. Finally, what was up with the tail? I mean…..actually no. I don’t want to know.

Post match Kong’s music sounds like it’s starting but Havok says they’ll fight tonight.

And now, since filling in two hours and forty minutes when you have music videos, interviews and a twenty five minute promo, here’s a fifteen minute match from Impact on November 19, 2014.

Knockouts Title: Havok vs. Gail Kim vs. Taryn Terrell

Havok is defending and this is one fall to a finish. The challengers go right at Havok but get dropped with a double clothesline. Havok throws Gail onto Taryn and then sends her shoulder first into the post. A spinebuster plants Taryn but Gail tries AJ Lee’s Black Widow on the champ. Havok is in trouble and Taryn adds an Indian Deathlock for good measure. Somehow Havok powers out of it and they all fight to the floor with Havok catching Terrell, only to have Gail dive on both of them as we take a break.

Back with Havok still on the floor and Taryn rolling Gail up for two. A running flip neckbreaker puts Gail down again but Havok pulls Taryn from the ring and drops her throat first across the barricade. Gail heads outside also but gets spinebustered onto the floor. Back in and Havok splashes both girls for two but Gail is up first and drapes Havok across the top rope.

A kind of Fameasser from the top puts Havok on the floor but Taryn jumps Gail from behind. Terrell takes her to the top but Havok comes back in to make it a Tower of Doom. The champ stacks them up again but misses a middle rope splash. Taryn and Gail break out of a double chokeslam attempt and hammer away until Gail scores with a DDT. A cross body gets two each before Eat Defeat and an RKO get two for Terrell. Gail rolls up Taryn but gets caught in a sunset flip to give Terrell the title at 14:32.

Rating: B-. This was the best Knockouts match in awhile but it doesn’t mean what TNA wants it to be. First of all, as mentioned, Havok has won something like five matches in TNA over the course of six weeks with one of those being a battle royal. That’s hardly taking the title off Roode after seven months. Also, Terrell pinned Gail, which likely sets up a showdown later. It’s a good match but nowhere near the moment they were hoping for.

Taryn says she wants the crown. These promos have been the exact same thing every time.

Su Yung vs. Taryn Terrell

Yung dances to the ring and freaks out that she’s actually getting to face Terrell. So she’s Bayley’s original character. Feeling out process to start with Taryn grabbing a headlock followed by a shoulder block. Taryn slams her down a few times so Yung shakes her hand in thanks. A monkey flip sends Su down as this is one sided so far. Yung gets in some of her first offense by putting Taryn in the Tree of Woe for some running dropkicks to the ribs. That’s about it for Su though as she gets slammed off the top, followed by a missile dropkick and high cross body for two. The Hot Mess (RKO) sends Taryn to the gauntlet.

Rating: D+. It’s hard to argue with find fault when I have to look at Taryn Terrell for a few minutes. Young had more charisma than any jobber not named Cherry Bomb yet and that made the match a lot easier to sit through. However, it’s still a pretty lame match as we’re merely killing time before the gauntlet match.

Speaking of killing time, here’s a history of the Knockouts Title video.

Brooke makes fun of Robbie E. and says she wants the crown.

Brooke vs. Mia Yim

First bad sign here: the announcers call Mia by her new name of Jade, even though no one had called her that on this show. That’s the extent of talk about Mia though, as they switch over to talking about Brooke’s figure. A fall away slam sends Brooke flying to start and Mia gives her a quick Stink Face. Oh yeah we have a theme here.

Mia channels her inner Kevin Owens by telling the crowd to get ready before slapping on a regular chinlock. Brooke avoids a running book in the corner but stops to shake her hips, giving the announcers a new reason to talk about her. After a quickly broken surfboard, Mia misses a Cannonball in the corner, allowing Brooke to come off the top with a mostly missing hurricanrana. Another Stink Face sets up the Tesshocker to give us another full time Knockout in the gauntlet.

Rating: D. Comedy match without the comedy here as the main roster Knockouts’ dominance is getting really old by now. As has been the case with everything else on this show, the squash matches have felt like a way to kill time because they have nothing else to do. Mia is talented but there’s nothing she can do in a five minute comedy match.

Video on Awesome Kong (not Amazing Havok) being dominant.

Awesome Kong vs. Mary Kate

You might remember Mary Kate as Rosie Lottalove, though she’s since lost well over 120lbs and looks far better. Before the match, Mary talks about talking out Knockouts in her first run (meaning she was so big and horrible in the ring that she injured Daffney) but now she’s here to dominate. It makes sense as everyone else seems to be here to do exactly that.

They test out power to start with Mary forearming Kong in the back. We get a test of strength and Kong takes over almost instantly. They slug it out with Mary actually getting in some shots and putting Kong down with a dropkick. Kong shrugs it all off though and takes Mary’s head off with a spinning backfist, followed by a chokeslam for the pin.

Rating: D+. I’m rating this higher because of the remarkable weight loss for Mary and that spinning backfist, which knocked Mary’s head off. They’re not really hiding the fact that Kong is the one to beat in the gauntlet match so why bother pretending that they’re going with anything else?

Havok and Kong stare each other down in the aisle.

We recap the six person elimination tag being set up earlier tonight.

Menagerie vs. Angelina Love/BroMans

It’s Crazzy Steve/Knux/Rebel for the carnival freaks. Robbie starts with a war/rain dance, followed by a cartwheel. Knux does the same and it’s time for a comedy match to fill in time. Steve gets slammed onto Robbie for two so it’s off to Jesse, who can’t figure out Steve either. Remember a few months ago with Robbie was scared of clowns? Don’t worry because TNA doesn’t either.

Off to the girls (you know, the point of the show) with Angelina scoring with a running knee lift. Rebel fights back with kick to the ribs and a delayed slam, followed by the splits legdrop for the elimination. Jesse runs in to roll Rebel up to tie up a second later, meaning we’re now stuck with the men fighting on the Knockouts show. The good guys take over with Knux slamming Steve on Jesse for two more but some BroMans’ double teaming takes over again.

Robbie’s sleeper slows Knux down but he’s still able to counter a cross body into a powerslam. Steve comes in to clean house, causing Spud to call the clown a crazy fool. Jesse grabs a quick rollup to eliminate Steve, which JB says makes it 3-1. Knux gets rid of Jesse with a cross body (yes a cross body) before a Sister Abigail puts Robbie away.

Rating: D-. I don’t think the men having most of the action in a match on the women’s show really requires that much of an explanation. Rebel continues to be there because of how good she looks in trunks and that’s about it. Love is out of things to do in TNA and there’s no real reason for her to stick around. Granted the same thing is true of the Menagerie, who I actually liked.

In case you haven’t had one in too long, here’s a video of how the Knockouts got to the gauntlet. You know, all but one of the main roster set, with the one aspiring Knockout being a former title holder in TNA.

Gauntlet Match

Royal Rumble style until it’s down to the final two when it’s pin/submission. Thea Trinidad is in at #1 and Gail Kim is in at #2. They trade what would have been rollups had there been covers to start until Gail takes over with a neckbreaker. Madison Rayne is in at #3 after what seemed to be a two minute interval. Some clotheslines put Gail and Thea down to start before choking in the corner kills even more time.

After almost nothing interesting in two minutes, Havok is in at #4. They’re barely doing anything here and it’s borderline depressing. Thea kicks away at Havok but gets dumped as Taryn Terrell is in at #5. Taryn starts cleaning house until they pair off to get this back to dull. Havok rams Gail and Madison together and it’s Brooke in at #6, with Spud wanting us to sing her song. Madison gets eliminated and Gail gets a Stink Face from Brooke. You can ink (not pencil) in Havok vs. Kong as the final from here.

Kong comes in at #7 and if you can’t keep track of who is still in there at this point, you’re beyond my help. Brooke is thrown out almost immediately and Taryn follows her a few seconds later. Gail tries a high cross body to both monsters and gets dumped out with ease. Now it’s one on one with pins or submissions for the win. They trade big shots and Kong scores with a cross body before sitting on Havok’s chest for two. Havok’s choke takedown (you have to go into the air for a slam) gets two and Kong’s chokeslam gets the same. A second chokeslam gives Kong the crown.

Rating: F. We waited two hours for a boring fifteen minute main event with the most obvious winner in the history of obvious winners. The fact that this might have been their best idea is disturbing and makes these shows even more worthless than the seemed to be in the past. I didn’t think that was possible but as usual, TNA manages to get worse than anyone thought they ever could.

Kong won’t wear the crown and beats up the referee to end the show.

Overall Rating: L. As in a loss, both for and by the Knockouts. This was one of the worst shows that I’ve ever seen, bar none. They completely failed at any of the objectives they were attempting to achieve and made the division look like the least interesting thing in the history of their promotion. On top of that, it was clear that they didn’t even have time to fill in an hour and a half, let alone two hours and forty minutes.

Let’s look at the things they used to fill time here: multiple music videos, a TWENTY FIVE MINUTE OPENING SEGMENT, a fifteen minute match from the previous year (plus an extra three minutes for entrances), a bunch of worthless interviews and recap videos. This show felt like it was nearly half recap/filler and above all else, the BroMans got WAY more time than any of the women with a twenty five minute segment and a ten minute match. Well nearly ten minutes (9:50), or the longest new match on the show by two minutes.

This thing was a disaster and made the entire division look boring and horribly uninteresting. They would have been far better off airing a Best Of show instead because these things aren’t working. It was mainly the same women fighting that we’ve seen for years in some of the worst matches I can remember. Instead of adding time to the matches, the aired an old match and had a long, unfunny comedy segment. I would LOVE to hear someone from TNA defend this mess because I’m convinced it can’t be done.

I know TNA had a bad reputation on a lot of things and some of it is unfair, but then you have something like this and how in the world can you argue for them? How? This is their bright idea for the month and something they think is worthy of airing. Instead of ANOTHER gauntlet/tournament, why not just have the girls go out there and have some long twenty minute matches? TNA loves to brag about how awesome the Knockouts are and this is what they give us. This was unacceptable and easily one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Slammiversary 2015: It’s Sad Really

Slammiversary 2015
Date: June 28, 2015
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Josh Matthews, D’Angelo Dinero, Mike Tenay

This should be an interesting one as the company has already taped the next month’s worth of TV before this show, but at the same time there’s some interesting stuff going on here too. The main event (in theory) is the King of the Mountain match with Jeff Jarrett returning for one more match (allegedly). Let’s get to it.

We open with the highlight package over the years. Of course this means mainly focusing on Sting, Hogan and Angle.

X-Division Title: DJZ vs. Manik vs. Tigre Uno

Tigre is defending in an elimination match with Tigre starting fast until he sends everyone to the floor for a big dive. Back in and Manik slams the champ down and we hit a chinlock, basically defeating the purpose of the entire division. DJZ tries to break up a springboard and eats a dropkick to the face for his efforts. Serves him right. Back in and Manik knees DJZ in the face because he’s still not over that broken springboard.

Manik suplexes the champ down but it’s DJZ coming back in with some nice flips and a wristdrag/headscissors combo to take both guys down. A running double knee puts all three guys down and Dinero drops a Contra Code reference. It’s DJZ up first with a modified Tower of Doom as he hits a Sliced Bread off an electric chair, only to have Tigre nail him in the face and hit a twisting split legged moonsault for the elimination at 9:45. Pope referred to it as a move that is difficult to describe.

The champ misses a top rope stomp but gets his knees up to block a splash. His rollup gets two and Manik hits a nice twisting chest buster, followed by a frog splash for two. There’s nothing going on between these spots. Back up and Tigre mostly misses a corkscrew moonsault but it’s enough to put Manik away and retain the title at 12:09.

Rating: C. This was the spotiest spotfest that I’ve seen since…..well since the last Ring of Honor show I saw. Again, there’s no story or reason to have this match other than to say “hey here’s an X-Division Title match”. Tigre is fine as a high flying champion, but they need a story to give us a reason to care about the guy.

Robbie E. says tonight is serious. He’s been here five years (not quite) and it’s time to stop the dancing and being a goof.

We recap the BroMans’ split, which is all about Jesse claiming that it was his work that made the team a success.

Robbie E. vs. Jesse Godderz

Jesse is officially “The Man”. Before the match they keep up the stalling with Jesse bragging about his success as the fans let him know that they don’t care. Robbie, with new music, cuts him off and beats Jesse up at ringside before doing the same inside. A big backdrop sets up a dive onto Jesse as this is all E. so far.

Godderz finally hits a powerslam on the floor but can’t get Robbie up for what looked like a gutwrench suplex. Instead a backbreaker gets two and we hit the bearhug on Robbie. That goes as far as a bearhug is going to go in 2015 and Robbie comes back with a middle rope cross body.

E. wins a slugout but gets caught in a buckle bomb, only to have a double clothesline put both guys down. This time Jesse’s regular powerbomb gets two and the Adonis Lock (Boston crab) goes on, only to have Robbie make the ropes without too much effort. Robbie comes right back with a reverse DDT for a quick pin at 11:18.

Rating: C-. The match was decent enough with Jesse working on the back and then they just went to the finish out of nowhere. Jesse’s push is now a big waste but at least they’re giving someone young like Robbie a nice push. Now to be fair I can’t imagine them doing anything with it and there’s probably going to be a rematch, which is actually match #5, but this wasn’t the most interesting thing in the world. Technically fine, but the story is nothing all that entertaining.

Matt Hardy says he’ll win tonight.

Bram vs. Matt Morgan

Morgan returned as a surprise on Wednesday. Before the match, Matt wants it to be a street fight and Bram is all like “Okey dokey”, but with a British accent. Morgan runs him over to start and they head to the floor to actually make it a fight. Bram comes back with his big metal hook to take over, followed by some trashcan shots to the head. Back in as this match is clearly just more filler.

Morgan calls for a chokeslam but opts to Carbon Footprint a trashcan into Bram’s face. The big man can’t follow up though so Bram goes around the ring to look for a special weapon. He FINALLY picks a few chairs but gets chokeslammed onto one of them for two. That’s it for Morgan though as the Brighter Side of Suffering onto the chair gives Bram the pin at 9:30.

Rating: D+. Well at least they didn’t job Bram. I guess the blueprint part is just physical because this would be REALLY STUPID for Morgan to pick as a stipulation. The match was your standard hardcore brawl as this show continues to feel like a house show that they taped and aired here. Morgan looked fine but I don’t expect him to be back longer than maybe one more appearance at most. Nothing special here, as usual tonight.

Ethan Carter III and Tyrus don’t like JB correcting them. They try to rip his hair off but it’s real. This was basically just a plug for Wednesday’s World Title match.

Austin Aries vs. Davey Richards

The winner gets to pick the stipulation for the fifth match in the Tag Team Title series. Aries takes him down to start but then runs to the corner to hide. They trade some standing switches until Aries bails to the floor to avoid a kick to the head. Back in and Aries plants him with an STO of all things but won’t use the Pendulum Elbow.

A wristlock doesn’t get Aries anywhere as Davey dropkicks him out to the floor for some more stalling. Richards wins a chase and hammers him against the barricade but Austin comes back with a shot of his own, setting up a top rope ax handle to take over. Back in and the slingshot hilo gets two for Austin, followed by a handspring elbow for the same. Some kicks to the chest make Davey growl a bit, allowing him to come back with a kick to the chest and a German suplex.

Aries seems to be looking for a tag, because a guy who has primarily wrestled as a singles guy for years and recently reformed a tag team can’t remember how a one on one match works. Aries takes him to the floor for a big dive and nails a missile dropkick, setting up the Last Chancery.

As usual it doesn’t work (it rarely did when he was a face either) but the brainbuster doesn’t either with Davey countering into a falcon’s arrow for two. They slug it out until Davey throws him into the air for a kick to the chest, followed by the top rope double stomp (to the arm) for two more. Cue Bobby Roode and Eddie Edwards for a distraction, allowing Aries to roll Davey up for the pin at 17:28.

Rating: B. That’s probably going to be the match of the night as we’re definitely in One Night Only territory here. This was a match that didn’t change a thing but at least was entertaining while it lasted. Everyone is trying on this show, but there’s only so much you can do to overcome the power of indifference.

The Dirty Heels pick a 30 minute Iron Man match. In case you hadn’t seen these teams fight enough yet.

Eric Young says he’ll win.

Dollhouse vs. Brooke/Awesome Kong

Before the match the Dollhouse says they’re better looking so they’ll win. Kong is in a full body outfit this time. Taryn chokes Kong to start but all three Dolls are sent into the corner for a big triple splash. They officially start with Jade having no luck against Kong with a Marti having to break up a cover off a splash. Brooke comes in off the hot tag and cleans house before things settle down with Marti taking over.

Back to Jade for a bearhug, which is in no way an excuse to get Brooke’s trunks to ride up. The referee misses a tag to Kong but it goes through a few seconds later, allowing Kong to destroy the Dollhouse (sans Taryn) just like she did before. Brooke clotheslines both of them down as Kong goes after Taryn, leaving Brooke to hit a top rope facebuster (the Butterface Maker. Just go with it) for the pin at 8:23.

Rating: D. No point to the match, basically no Taryn, and just a step above a squash. The Dollhouse is already crumbling but we can get like six years of the Beautiful People. At least it’s not Gail Kim doing her least interesting stuff again, because I don’t think I can handle another major push for her.

Magnus doesn’t hate James Storm even though he wants to. Tonight he has to believe that love is stronger than hate, even if he loves the way hate feels. The devil can’t catch him tonight because he’s already inside. Good line to end this. It makes little sense but good line. Also, you would think that the whole attempted murder thing might have fired Magnus up more.

Long recap of Magnus vs. Storm. Basically Storm was all friendly but was just trying to get Mickie James to join the Revolution but she turned him down so Storm tried to kill her by shoving her in front of a train. Now it’s time for a match.

James Storm vs. Magnus

Unsanctioned so anything goes. They slug it out at ringside to start before heading into the crowd with Magnus taking over. Storm slams him through a table of food and grabs a beer bottle but stops to spit on the announcers, allowing Magnus to come back with right hands. They get back inside with a table being set up but Storm hits him low.

Magnus doesn’t seem to mind as he catapults Storm’s face into the bottom of the table for a unique spot. It’s off to the back of the arena again as a production guy repeatedly tells them that there’s high voltage back there. Magnus is thrown into a box and the video screen goes to a test pattern. That goes nowhere so they head back to the ring with the Eye of the Storm being countered into a powerbomb through the table for two.

Storm comes back with an Orton hanging DDT but stops to set up another table on the floor. Instead of putting Magnus through the table though, Storm yells at Earl Hebner, allowing Magnus to make a comeback. Magnus misses a top rope elbow through the table and crashes onto the concrete. That’s only good for two of course so Storm pulls out some powder.

Magnus comes back for like the tenth time but the powder goes into Earl’s eyes, meaning there’s no count off the Spine Shaker. Instead the Last Call gets two so it’s cowbell time, but Magnus hits another Spine Shaker for two. END THIS ALREADY! Now the cowbell connects and another Last Call gets another two.

Storm sets up two chairs with a piece of barricade bridged between. Magnus superplexes him through the barricade and, say it with me, it gets two. Both guys get bottles and connect at the same time with Storm falling on top for the pin (despite Magnus being on the barricade and therefore his shoulders not being on the mat) at 16:38.

Rating: C+. The match was trying but they went WAY too far and long out there as it was almost a copy of the Rusev vs. Cena match at Payback. Yeah they beat each other up a lot but I lost interest about halfway through. This felt like it was about four matches packed into one, but at least it was a fun brawl. The start was pretty lame though as they were just kind of walking around and trying to figure out what to do.

Drew Galloway says he’ll win, just like the Rising this Wednesday in the final battle with the BDC. Another match that should have aired here.

The audio is screwed up because of the electrical stuff earlier on. Thankfully we’re treated to a long shot of the production crew cleaning up the debris from the previous match and then a shot of the announcers.

Ethan Carter III/Tyrus vs. Mr. Anderson/Lashley

There’s no commentary and Anderson’s mic doesn’t work. It starts up again as Anderson and Carter start things off with Ethan being taken into the corner for a beating and a spear. Lashley can’t quite suplex him over the first time but Tyrus gets in a surprise chokeslam to take over. Tyrus comes in for some shots to the neck as Tenay talks about Anderson and Lashley feuding over the ECW and US Titles.

Anderson comes in with jabs as we’re treated to Pope talking about his time in OVW. His feud down there with Matt Morgan is the least interesting feud that I have ever seen so I wouldn’t brag much about it. Commentary keeps cutting out, leaving us to analyze Carter’s chinlock on Anderson with no guidance. Lashley comes in off the hot tag to clean house again with a running powerslam getting two on Carter. Anderson and Lashley slug away on Tyrus but he (mostly) suplexes them both down. Carter runs back in for the 1%er on Lashley for the pin at 10:12.

Rating: D. Standard Impact main event here but this show has already sucked all the life out of me so I couldn’t get into things. Carter winning is the only logical move here to help set up the title match on Wednesday, even though they already had him pin Lashley and Anderson. It’s almost like this match was thrown together with the best logic they could think and it still wasn’t enough.

The announcers preview King of the Mountain. Jarrett is treated as an invader.

Jarrett says he can’t believe he’s back here but wants to take this to a global level.

King of the Mountain Title: Drew Galloway vs. Eric Young vs. Bobby Roode vs. Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Jarrett

It’s the old Legends/TV/Global Title with a new plate. The rules here aren’t exactly simple. You win by climbing the ladder and hanging the title, but in order to do that you have to earn a fall to be qualified with falls counting anywhere. Whoever is pinned must go to a penalty box for two minutes. We get big match intros with JB saying Drew is standing in the corner to his left. He’s kneeling but close enough. Jarrett is introduced by his old nickname: the King of the Mountain.

Jarrett stands back as everyone brawls to start. It’s Roode going after Jarrett first but eating a backdrop, followed by Young taking a beating as well. Jarrett goes for a strut but Roode rolls him up for a pin to become eligible and to send Jarrett to the penalty box for two minutes. Matt Side Effects Roode for two as Jarrett escapes….only to be covered by Young to become eligible. Everyone brawls inside and get sent into the ladder until Jarrett gets out.

Young hits Jarrett low but gets rolled up by Galloway for a pin. Matt hits a Twist of Fate for a pin on Roode at the same time, sending both Young and Roode to the box at the same time. Only Jarrett is unqualified at this point. Hardy and Galloway fight on the ladder (yeah remember the whole ladder part of this match?) but Jeff shoves them both down and Strokes Galloway for two with Hardy making the save.

Jeff covers Matt for two more as Young and Roode are making a pact in the box. Both guys get out and clean house before stopping to sing O Canada as we flash back ten years. Young tries to turn on Roode and gets Cactus Clotheslined out to the floor. Galloway and Hardy go to the ropes but get powerbombed down by Jarrett, only to have Roode and Young steal pins to keep Jarrett ineligible. It’s a three way fight now with Young vs. Roode vs. Jarrett with Eric getting the best of it and grabbing a guitar, only to have Jeff take it away and knock Bobby silly to become eligible.

Galloway and Hardy get out and fight over possession of the belt but knock each other down, leaving Jarrett to climb up. Young pulls him down with a powerbomb and a piledriver onto a ladder, followed by Roode coming out of the box. Galloway climbs on top of the cage for a big flip dive to put all five guys down. It’s Drew climbing again and Matt pulling him down again. Just to keep up the idea of the match of course. Roode stops Hardy and goes up but Young makes the save with another ladder. Jarrett and Young go up with Jeff hitting a Stroke off the ladders, allowing him to hang the title for the win at 20:56.

Rating: D+. So in case you don’t get it, here’s the story: TNA is freaking out that an invader (who they invited) is going to take a title that they just invented to another company which they basically advertise for free on their TV show. Oh and Jarrett is a face because he’s a legend in TNA and therefore the announcers panicking really doesn’t fit with what’s going on. The match was your standard King of the Mountain mess with the most obvious winner in the history of obvious winners.

Overall Rating: D. That’s the worst part: the show wasn’t even that horrible. It’s in one of the worst categories possible though: the show that didn’t need to exist and underwhelmed. There were some good matches on here and the stories were actually current so it blows last year’s Bound For Glory out of the water, but my goodness this show felt like it was going on for days. It’s not a good show and it’s clear that this company is in complete free fall as they seem to have no idea what they’re supposed to do next.

I know the TV is taped for a month or so, but they really, really need to nail them because this show felt like the last time we’re going to see these guys. With a lot of these people leaving too, things are looking very, very bleak for TNA and they don’t really seem to notice. If Jarrett leaving with a freshly made midcard title for a promotion that has held about four shows is their big story, they’re in major, major trouble.

Results

Tigre Uno b. Manik and DJZ – Corkscrew moonsault to Manik

Robbie E. b. Jesse Godderz – Reverse DDT

Bram b. Matt Morgan – Brighter Side of Suffering onto a chair

Austin Aries b. Davey Richards – Rollup

James Storm b. Magnus – Beer bottle to the head

Tyrus/Ethan Carter III b. Lashley/Mr. Anderson – 1%er to Lashley

Jeff Jarrett b. Matt Hardy, Drew Galloway, Eric Young and Bobby Roode – Jarrett hung the title belt

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Slammiversary 2014: Now With Even Less Context!

Since it’s Memorial Day weekend, Destination America decided not to air a new episode of Impact (EVERYTHING IS FINE!!!). Instead, they’re airing a completely out of context pay per view from last year. That’s actually not a horrible idea, but somehow this is the only presentable pay per view they’ve had in the last year. That’s sad.

Slammiversary 2014
Date: June 15, 2014
Location: College Park Center, Arlington, Texas
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Tazz

Time for another TNA pay per view which at least has been good in the last few years. The show has had some decent build, but due to a combination of injuries and TNA’s horrific marketing skills, the World Title match has been changed and there was no mention of the X Division Title match on television. The show does look good on paper though and we get the newest Hall of Fame announcement. Let’s get to it.

We open with the trio in the back with MVP saying he’s here to make sure Dixie doesn’t screw things up tonight. MVP can’t be out there with them though because of his knee.

Video on the history of TNA up to this point.

X-Division Title: Sanada vs. Tigre Uno vs. Davey Richards vs. Eddie Edwards vs. Crazy Steve vs. Manik

Sanada is defending and this is a ladder match. Also keep in mind that Destination X and Option C are coming up soon. Manik dives through the ropes to take out Sanada before the bell. The Wolves follow suit with stereo suicide dives and Steve has apparently knocked Tigre Uno down. Steve gets a ladder from under the ring and uses it to climb back to the apron. Tigre dropkicks him down and mostly misses a corkscrew dive to take everyone out.

Sanada and Manik fight over a ladder in the ring with the champion taking over via a springboard chop to the head. Tigre replaces Manik and kicks Sanada in the back of the head but the Wolves double team him into a German suplex onto the ladder in the corner. Edwards throws in a fresh ladder but Manik dropkicks both of them down. Steve (very popular tonight) comes in for the Terry Funk spinning ladder spot, taking down everyone that comes into the ring.

Manik makes a save but Steve shoves the ladder over, only to have Manik land on the top rope and dive out to knock out the Wolves. Steve goes up again and touches the belt but of course loses his hand eye coordination since this is a ladder match, allowing Sanada to make the save. The ladder is busted so Sanada slams Steve onto it to set up the moonsault. The fans think this is awesome as Tigre enziguris Sanada off a better ladder.

Tigre wedges the broken ladder into the standing one to form a bridge, but the Wolves catch him in a powerbomb/top rope Backstabber combo. The Wolves both go after the belt but Sanada makes the save. Edwards Sanada clothesline each other to the floor and Eddie crashes into the barricade, leaving Davey on top. Manik makes the save and powerbombs Davey onto the bridged ladder in a SCARY landing. Sanada climbs up to retain at 9:40 before someone dies.

Rating: B-. The match was fun but some of those spots looked too dangerous for my taste. Richards getting powerbombed was way too scary looking and I didn’t like how he landed. Hopefully everyone is fine, but I question having people go through a match like this without even giving the match hype on TV.

The announcers explain the World Title situation. For once this is totally beyond their control.

Here’s the trio with MVP on crutches to insult Texas A&M and the fans for booing him. They shouldn’t be so angry at him while he’s here against doctor’s orders. Dixie has gone to the Board of Directors in an estrogen filled moment of insanity, resulting in him being censored. MVP explains the World Title situation to the live crowd and says he won’t be involved in either qualifying match. King and Lashley promise to win their matches, unlike Texas A&M.

Samoa Joe vs. Bobby Lashley

Winner goes to the title match tonight. Lashley quickly takes Joe into the corner but gets enziguried in the other corner to give Joe control. Bobby leapfrogs over the Samoan and clotheslines him down, only to have Joe pound him down with strikes. The Facewash is loaded up but Bobby rolls to the floor to get a breather. You don’t go outside on Joe though and it’s the suicide elbow to take Lashley out again.

Joe gets cocky for a split second and Lashley is able to send him into the steps. Back in and Lashley fights out of the corner Rock Bottom with a swinging neckbreaker for two. A snap suplex sets up a nerve hold on Joe and an elbow to the face stops his comeback cold. Another nerve hold is broken up by a kick to the head and the backsplash gets two. Now the release Rock Bottom looks to set up the Clutch but Lashley drives him into the corner. Joe has to stop himself from running into Earl Hebner, allowing Bobby to nail the spear for the pin at 8:50.

Rating: C+. This wasn’t bad with Lashley getting one of his biggest wins since coming back. Putting Joe in the title match didn’t make a ton of sense after Lashley beat Eric on Thursday so this was the best option all things considered. I’m still not wild on Lashley’s in ring work, especially the spear due to so many people using it, but he could be worse.

The Carters have a party suite above the arena. Dixie thinks Ray will see Ethan’s vicious side tonight. Dixie won’t comment on the meetings she had this week until she’s in the middle of the ring. The only hint she’ll give is that the karma that got to MVP is nothing compared to what’s coming. Spud looks like the Joker.

Magnus vs. Willow

Bram and Abyss are the seconds here. Magnus stomps away in the corner to start and avoids a baseball slide to send Willow into the steps. Back in and a big clothesline gets the same for the Brit. There’s a buckle bomb for good measure and Magnus hammers away on the mask. We hit the chinlock for a bit before Willow fights back with an atomic drop and the legdrop between the legs for two.

The Twist is countered but Magnus runs into two boots in the corner. A middle rope splash gets two for Willow before Magnus avoids the Swanton. Bram tries to interfere but Abyss is right there to hammer away. All four guys start brawling on the floor until Willow goes up top and just jumps backwards onto the Brits.

Now Abyss and Bram fight in the ring with the Monster easily throwing him to the floor. The guys in the match get back in as Bram gets his metal bar, only to be one upped by Janice. They walk up the ramp as Magnus breaks up the Whisper in the Wind, setting up a belly to back suplex into a side slam for the pin on Willow at 10:00.

Rating: C-. This was a mess for the most part but not bad. They would have been better off making this a tag match to get everyone in there, but that seems to be where they’re headed anyway. The Willow gimmick isn’t doing anything for me either as the announcement that it’s Jeff Hardy just killed the whole point of the character.

Here’s Kurt Angle to announce the newest Hall of Fame inductee. Angle talks about how being in the Hall of Fame means you’ve earned respect forever from the boys in the back and the fans. The inductee is……Team 3D in a bit of a surprise. A loud and long WE WANT TABLES chant goes up and we go to a wide shot of the arena for some reason.

Bully can barely get a full sentence out as the fans are chanting WELCOME BACK. They accept the induction because of every single one of the fans. D-Von says he wasn’t going to come back to TNA but if he’s going out, he has to be by Bully’s side after all their history together. Catchphrases and poses close out the segment.

Ethan Carter cuts a good promo about how he’s beaten all the members of the TNA Hall of Fame so tonight he gets to beat the latest. This isn’t Von Erich Country anymore because the Carters have taken over.

Austin Aries vs. Kenny King

Winner goes to the cage match tonight. Aries hits the corner dropkick less than thirty seconds in but King escapes the brainbuster and gets to the floor. The top rope ax handle puts King down again but King crotches him on top to get a breather. A dropkick puts Austin on the floor and King sends him hard into the barricade for good measure.

They head inside again with King hammering away before putting on something like a seated abdominal stretch. Aries fights up and smacks King’s ears to put him on the floor, setting up a suicide dive. King is thrown back inside so Aries can ram him over and over into the buckles, setting up a missile dropkick for two.

King comes back with a cradle suplex and a high kick but gets caught with his feet on the ropes. The Last Chancery can’t get the submission so King comes back with a springboard Blockbuster for a close two. Aries gets tired of dealing with King and takes him into the corner for a super brainbuster to send Austin to the cage at 10:04.

Rating: C+. This is the logical choice as King hasn’t really shown that he can beat a guy of Aries’ level in a one on one match. The ending sequence was really cool and it gives us a more intriguing main event than Eric vs. two members of the trip. Aries is a guy that could be brought up the ranks in TNA to fill in their lack of top faces.

JB introduces some Dallas Cowboys to a VERY mixed reaction. After that mention is over, JB brings out the latest Von Erichs: Ross and Marshall, accompanied by an ancient looking Kevin. The Bro Mans interrupt and say that a lot of things in Texas aren’t tight, including being a Von Erich. Robbie isn’t here for reasons not specified.

Bro Mans vs. Ross Von Erich/Marshall Von Erich

Marshall wrestles barefoot like Kevin did. This is DJZ and Jesse for the team tonight. Marshall cleans house on DJZ to start but can’t hook the Claw. A powerslam puts DJZ back down and it’s off to the older Ross for some dropkicks. Jesse breaks up something off the top rope and DJZ hits a nice flip dive to take Ross down on the ramp.

Back in and Jesse nails a dropkick bur Ross avoids a second one and makes the hot tag to Marshall. Everything breaks down and Ross hits a missile dropkick to put both guys down. Jesse brings in a chair but gets it dropkicked into his face, setting up a series of basic double team moves from the brothers. Not that it matters as DJZ brings in the chair for the DQ at 5:07.

Rating: D+. Well that was a waste of pay per view time. The Von Erichs looked ok at best but it’s clear that they need ring time more than anything else. They didn’t know how to finish a match yet and it looked like they needed to get through a bunch of spots instead of bringing the match to a close. Not terrible, but the ending really didn’t work for me.

Post match Kevin comes in to put the Claw on Jesse, drawing the only big pop from the crowd.

Angelina says she’ll keep the title tonight. JB asks how many time Angelina has won the title without Velvet’s help but Angelina says they’re a team.

Knockouts Title: Gail Kim vs. Angelina Love

Angelina is defending and Gail won a triple threat on Thursday to set this up. Gail hits a quick running forearm to start but her top rope huricanrana is countered with a powerbomb. A side slam gets two on Kim and Angelina throws her out to the floor. Velvet interference doesn’t help as Kim sends Love knees first into the steps. Back in and Gail gets crotched on the top, setting up an ugly looking reverse bulldog for two.

Sky uses the hairspray but referee Stiffler ignores it. The Botox Injection gets two and here’s Earl Hebner to eject Sky and make himself referee. Gail speeds things up and gets two off a neckbreaker but gets powerbombed for two more. Kim accidentally dropkicks Earl in the back but nails Eat Defeat. Stiffler ignores the cover to check on Earl and does the same again when Love gets rolled up. Angelina reverses into a rollup of her own and Stiffler counts the pin to retain the title at 6:57.

Rating: D+. Egads this story is getting old. Didn’t we have Stiffler in love with the Beautiful People like five years ago? Nothing to see here for the most part as Gail vs. Angelina has been done on PPV so many times that they ran out of stuff to do years ago. The match was ridiculously overbooked. Also don’t we already have a questionable referee in Brian Hebner?

D-Von has to go back to the hotel for dinner with his kids. Bully cuts a promo on Texas wrestling legends and thinks Ethan is in way over his head. His advice to Ethan: start praying. Ethan gets crucified for the sins of his Aunt Dixie and he’ll be baptized in blood.

Bully Ray vs. Ethan Carter III

Texas Death Match, meaning last man standing. Ray brings out a bullrope ala Stan Hansen for a nice tribute. Carter is thrown to the floor by the rope to start and Ray brings out a pair of tables. They’re stacked next to each other on the floor but Carter recovers from the coma he was in to get in a few shots and take over. Ray fights right back and sets up another table in the corner but the fans want cowbell.

Carter avoids the table but gets his chest ripped off by more chops. Time for the cheese grater to rip up Ethan’s chest (barely), which isn’t something you often see. Carter gets in a few shots to take over and sends Ray face first into a chair on the mat. He goes up top but gets crotched and superplexed onto the chair to put both guys down. Ray grabs a Dallas Cowboys trashcan from under the ring before starting to cut up the mats to expose the wood under the canvas.

Joker Spud comes out with a kendo stick shot to Ray’s back for no effect. Ray kicks him low and knocks Spud silly with the stick but Carter hits a quick One Percenter onto the exposed boards for our first count over twelve minutes into the match. Ray is up at eight so Carter pours out the glass in the trashcan. Carter goes up but dives into a Bubba Cutter, sending the injured chest into the glass for a cool spot. He’s up at eight though so Ray takes the stick outside to knock Ethan silly again.

Ray puts him on the tables and goes up but here’s Dixie for a distraction. Bully goes after her and sends Ethan into Dixie to knock her out cold. Ethan gets punched down and Ray puts Dixie on the table. He takes too long though, allowing Spud to pull her off and Ethan knocks Ray through the tables with a kendo stick shot for the win at 17:05.

Rating: C. It was a nice brawl with some nice spots but NO ONE CARES ABOUT DIXIE. After all this, if she doesn’t go through a table in New York, this whole story has been a huge waste of time. Also, never accept an induction to the Hall of Fame unless you want to lose on a last second fluke the same night. At least D-Von didn’t join forces with Dixie.

We recap Anderson vs. Storm. This started in a qualifying match for a World Title shot before Anderson cheated to win a drinking contest and made fun of cowboys. Why TNA thinks he’s going to be cheered in Texas doing this is beyond me.

Mr. Anderson vs. James Storm

Storm grabs a mic even though it’s 10:22 and we’ve got another match after this. He rips on the Cowboys because he’s a Titans fan but the booing breaks up his catchphrase. The brawl is on before the bell with Anderson high fiving the Cowboys and spitting beer in Storm’s face. They get in the ring for the opening bell and James goes right for the knee. A few shots have Anderson so banged up that he can’t run across the ring and a Figure Four has him in even more trouble.

Anderson is quickly in the ropes and Storm misses a charge in the corner to give Mr. a breather. Storm gets crotched on the top and slammed down for two, only to send Anderson face first into the middle buckle. Now it’s Anderson going up but getting kicked in the back of the head. He’s still able to pick Storm up for the rolling fireman’s carry off the middle rope but Storm kicks him out to the floor. Storm spits beer at the Cowboys so they jump the railing for a distraction, allowing Anderson to hit the Mic Check for the pin at 5:25.

Rating: C-. The match was short due to time but it was still entertaining enough. Anderson vs. Storm didn’t need the Cowboys for this to work but since it’s a midcard match in TNA, I’m sure we’ll get 19 rematches to keep things going way after its expiration date. The Cowboys might get them some extra media attention if nothing else.

Austin Aries tells Eric Young that the greatest man should win the match tonight. Eric says they’ve flown in crazy people to the show tonight.

We recap the main event, which is just an Eric Young video due to the last minute changes.

TNA World Title: Austin Aries vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Eric Young

In a cage with Young defending with wins by pin or submissino, not escape. Lashley takes over to start but gets double teamed down. The smaller guys do a fast paced sequence until Lashley throws Aries into the cage. Young gets the same as well, allowing Lashley to stand tall. Bobby throws both guys around again but misses a charge into the post. Young and Aries go at it again until Eric hammers on Bobby in the corner.

Aries powerbombs the champion down but stops to go after Lashley again, only to be suplexed into the cage for two. We get a bad looking botch as Aries hits a running cross body in the corner but Young just lets him bounce off of him for some reason. Young gets to show off his freakish strength with a double Death Valley Driver but Lashley is up at two. He puts Young on top of the cage as the fans chant please don’t die. Aries goes up top as well to take Lashley down with a hurricanrana, but Eric stands up on top of the cage for the huge elbow to Bobby.

Aries punts Eric in the head though and hits the brainbuster for a very close two. Lashley spears Austin down for two and spinebusters the champion, only to miss the spear and fall out of the cage. Remember that doesn’t end the match though as escape doesn’t count. Young hits the top rope elbow on Aries for another close near fall. The piledriver is countered with a low dropkick to Young’s face and everyone is down. Young and Aries slug it out but both guys miss forearms. Aries hits some discus forearms and the corner dropkick but walks into the piledriver to retain Eric’s title at 12:10.

Rating: B-. This got better near the end but Eric keeping the title made me roll my eyes. The reign has been far better than I expected it to be but he needs to be the focal point of the company instead of the other guy in the major feuds. To be fair though, I’d assume MVP was supposed to take the title tonight before the injuries.

Young helps Aries up after the match.

Overall Rating: B-. As usual, TNA puts on a good show for Slammiversary. I really wish they could get their stuff together on TV because if this was what they were putting out there every week, things would be so much easier to sit through. Instead we’re usually stuck with one story dominating a show or 19 Dixie Carter segments with her bad acting talking about whatever war she’s having that no one cares about. Good show but not as good as the last few years’. Nothing blew the doors off but most of the matches were solid and nothing was bad so I can’t complain much.

Results
Sanada b. Crazy Steve, Manik, Eddie Edwards, Davey Richards and Tigre Uno – Sanada pulled down the title belt
Bobby Lashley b. Samoa Joe – Spear
Magnus b. Willow – Belly to back suplex into a side slam
Ross Von Erich/Marshall Von Erich b. Bro Mans via DQ when DJZ used a chair
Angelina Love b. Gail Kim – Rollup
Ethan Carter III b. Bully Ray when Ray couldn’t answer the ten count
Eric Young b. Austin Aries and Bobby Lashley – Piledriver to Aries

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of on the History of Survivor Series at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XOUNBEA

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

TNA One Night Only – X-Travaganza III: What Do You Want Me To Say?

X-Travaganza III
Date: May 6, 2015
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 1,100
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Jeremy Borash

I guess this is considered the beginning of a new season of these shows as the first X-Travaganza was the first ever One Night Only. Barring a big surprise, this is going to be a series of qualifying matches for an Ultimate X match for money later on in the night. These shows really are good illustrations of how far the division has fallen in recent years. Let’s get to it.

We open with the standard speech about how important this division is to TNA’s history. Notice that as the division has fallen into obscurity, the company’s success has gone down as well. Of course there’s a lot more to it than that, but once TNA stopped having something to focus on other than the main event division, things kept going south. As usual, this also shows us clips from later in the night.

All matches are qualifying matches for the Ultimate X main event with $100,000 on the line unless noted otherwise.

Tigre Uno vs. Sonjay Dutt

Feeling out process to start with Sonjay taking him down with a quick armdrag before having to spin out of a wristlock. Some fast near falls get us nowhere but both guys collide to put them on the mat. Back up and Sonjay takes over with some chops and a running knee in the corner before stopping Tigre with a boot. Tigre comes back in with a dropkick for two as the announcers start talking about Twitter handles. I really hope this isn’t a descent into the usual commentary madness on these shows.

Sonjay comes back with something like an Octopus Hold and a kick to the head for two. This turns into a discussion of favorite submission holds, which is at least related to what we’re watching. We hit the chinlock for a bit before Tigre fights back, only to miss a split legged moonsault. Dutt’s standing moonsault gets two as the fans are really not all that interested here. Borash finally gets around to explaining the idea of the qualifying matches for Ultimate X later in the show. Tigre crotches himself on an attempted basement dropkick in the corner but comes right back with a rolling cradle for the fast pin (and maybe a four count).

Rating: C-. We’re already seeing the issue with this show: there’s no reason for these two to be fighting and that makes for a dull match as neither of these two did anything exciting enough to warrant having nine minutes. It’s not a bad match or anything but it’s just two guys doing moves to each other until one got a pin off a cradle.

Kenny King talks about surprising everyone by showing up in TNA and brags about all of his success. No matter what he did though, he never could get noticed until he joined up with the BDC. Tonight, we’re calling this X-Travaganza Step Up, because he wants someone to step up to become the next Kenny King. Be careful though because he’s going to knock them right back down.

Kenny King vs. Jay Rios vs. Pepper Parks

Parks wrestles all over the indies and seems to have a fitness gimmick. Rios is a lower level indy guy but he was recently on Impact as Tigre Uno’s partner in the Tag Team Title tournament against Bram/Ethan Carter III. Josh asks the returning JB how he can get around the arena to announce everything so fast. Parks kicks Rios in the head to start and stomps him down as King stands back.

The fans chant for the BDC (the only people they might know in this match) as King backdrops Parks to the floor. Rios kicks both of them through the ropes and hits an Asai moonsault to drop both opponents. Back in and Parks gets two off a sitout powerbomb as King is still on the floor. Rios sidesteps Parks’ spear to send him into King before hitting the springboard into an RKO on Parks for two.

Pepper doesn’t seem to mind as a double superkick puts King down, only to have Rios hit running boots in the corner to both opponents. King suddenly realizes he’s Kenny King and starts cleaning house but Rios shoves him off the top and hits a frog splash for two on Parks. Back up and Rios goes to the apron, only to springboard into the Royal Flush to give King the pin.

Rating: C. Better but it’s the exact same problem from the first match: I have no real reason to see these guys fight and they’re not doing anything worth seeing. In other words, these matches aren’t very interesting and make me want to go watch some old TNA matches instead of these.

Here’s a clip from Destination X 2013 where Manik won the X-Division Title in Ultimate X.

Manik vs. Mr. 450

450 is yet another indy guy who has been squashed in NXT a few times under the name Jesus de Leon. For some reason he comes out (after Manik) with a weird eyepiece that looks like something out of Star Trek (for your KB trivia: I’ve never seen a single movie or episode of Star Trek) and may supposed to be something from the future.

Wherever he’s from (yes I know it’s Puerto Rico), he grabs an armbar to start as the announcers talk about Google Glasses. They spin around a few times until 450 gets two off a springboard cross body. Manik sends him hard into the post though and things slow back down. Off to the floor now with Manik sending him into the post again as Josh laments the loss of Bernie Mac. He was in a movie called Mr. 3000 (Josh calls it Mr. 300) so it’s connected you see.

Manik grabs a cross armbreaker (at least he’s following up on the shoulder into the post, putting this match ahead of everything else on the show so far) before rolling some suplexes, capped off by a belly to back hammerlock suplex. We hit the chinlock with the arm trapped back for a bit to keep up the psychology.

450 comes back with another springboard cross body but Manik catches himself in the ropes instead of going out to the floor. He goes right outside a few seconds later though, setting up 450’s Asai moonsault. Josh clarifies that Pepper and Joseph Parks are not related before Manik hurricanranas 450 into the armbreaker for the submission.

Rating: C+. Best match of the night so far with the arm work actually playing through the match instead of just introducing it and then forgetting it just as fast. Again it’s not a great match or anything like that, but at least it was a good way to kill seven minutes. Manik is an underrated talent in the company and unfortunately he’s stuck in the lame Revolution for the time being.

Video on the Knockouts defying the limits just as well as the men do.

Taryn Terrell is in the five Knockouts ladder match later tonight and she can prove that she’s more than just a pretty face.

Great Sanada vs. Jonathan Cruz vs. Crazzy Steve

Cruz is Rios’ partner in the indies. Steve pulls out a horn as Matthews thinks Cruz is Mr. 450. Ignore the fact that neither wears a mask so this shouldn’t be too complicated. Steve goes out to the apron and waits for a tag because we’re in a comedy match. Sanada cranks on Cruz’s arm to start and they hit a nice spin out sequence for one of the few good reactions from the crowd all night long. Steve comes in with a crucifix and sunset flip for two each on Sanada before Sanada pulls on Cruz’s face.

Now the announcers talk about the places Sanada has wrestled, including the hibachi place and Nakatomi Towers. Off to an abdominal stretch on Cruz until Steve makes the save. The serious guys finally get tired of the comedy and pound Steve down like anyone sensible would do. Steve comes back with cannonballs in the corner, only to have Sanada mist Cruz in the face. A moonsault gets two with Steve making the save, setting up a DDT on Cruz to send Steve to Ultimate X.

Rating: D. The announcers have gone from amusing to Tazz land as they spent the whole match making as many Japan jokes as they could squeeze into a short match. Steve is a generic “comedy” guy who gets annoying in a hurry with neither opponent being able to do much. Sanada really should have gone forward here as he’s more than earned the spot in the last year, especially on these shows.

Rockstar Spud says he’s a great wrestler, even when he was just getting coffee for Dixie Carter. Tonight he can show why he’s a great X-Division wrestler when he wins his first Ultimate X match.

And now, since they can’t even get to 2:45 on their own, here’s the X-Division Title match from Slammiversary 2014.

X-Division Title: Sanada vs. Tigre Uno vs. Davey Richards vs. Eddie Edwards vs. Crazy Steve vs. Manik

Rating: B-. The match was fun but some of those spots looked too dangerous for my taste. Richards getting powerbombed was way too scary looking and I didn’t like how he landed. Hopefully everyone is fine, but I question having people go through a match like this without even giving the match hype on TV.

Rockstar Spud vs. Dalton Castle

Castle is basically a man in a peacock costume during his entrance with and some good looking valets to disrobe him. Naturally the announcers aren’t going to explain who Castle is because they’re too busy with their “witty banter.” Castle puts his hands on his back and sticks his chest out so Spud imitates the look (one fan: “Spud’s was better!”). The pose off continues as the announcers debate this year’s Best Picture winner. They start shoving each other out of the way to pose before Spud gets one off a rollup over a minute in.

This sends Spud to the floor to call Castle a chicken. Time for a chase scene with Dalton getting taken down with a drop toehold. Matthews talks about being chased by a chicken as a kid as Spud knocks Dalton outside. Josh: “There was no choking of the chicken.” Castle throws him down to the mat and struts a bit before covering for two. Josh: “New game! Every time you say Castle’s full name, you have to give him a new middle name.” Spud screams at a slap and hits some running forearms, followed by the Underdog for the pin.

Rating: D+. I love Spud but there was only so much you can do here when the announcers are making up games to get themselves through the show. Castle needs a straight man or partner in general to play off as he doesn’t have the wrestling acumen to back him up out there. This was barely even a match after all the posing.

Matt Hardy is ready for his dream match against Austin Aries tonight. Who has been dreaming of that match? Matt talks about his career evolving all the time and now he’s going to give A Double a double dose of Mattitude.

Mikaze vs. DJZ

Mikaze had a pot of coffee back in ROH back in 2005-2006 and was squashed by Ryback one night. DJZ bails from the threat of a kick to the head and does a Karate Kid pose. Back up and Mikaze chases him out to the floor, only to have DJZ snap the back of his neck across the ropes. That’s with with Mikaze who skins the cat out to the floor and into a hurricanrana for a nice counter.

Back in and DJZ stomps him in the corner as we hear about Mikaze designing wrestling gear. Mikaze misses a springboard clothesline and a lot of choking ensues. The announcers count ropes (seriously) and laugh at the idea of Mike Tenay dying. Mikaze sends him to the floor and gets a running start before changing directions into a moonsault. That was awesome. Back in and Mikaze hits a springboard forearm (fans: “AJ STYLES!”) and Trouble in Paradise, only to get caught in a bottom rope tornado DDT to send DJZ to the Ultimate X.

Rating: C. Mikaze looked cool but the idea of sending anyone but those already on the roster to the main event is a pipe dream. DJZ is trying but he’s another example of someone who needs a partner to help him get through most of his matches. He’s mainly a comedy guy and that doesn’t translate well when he’s trying to have a regular match like this one.

Madison Rayne vs. Gail Kim vs. Angelina Love vs. Brooke vs. Taryn Terrell

Ladder match for a future Knockouts Title match. I love that they can’t say who the champion is at the moment as they have no idea who it will be when this airs. Everyone goes for the ladder to start but they just wind up knocking the thing over for a big crash. Madison suplexes Taryn on the floor (Josh: “That was violent!”) and the announcers take shots at the Divas.

We get the first ladder brought in with Gail trying to get it straightened on the top rope for no apparent reason as everyone fights in the background. Angelina gets dropped face first onto the ladder but Gail and Brooke start fighting over who gets to use the ladder. Taryn is sent face first into the ladder in the corner as Angelina sets up another between the barricade and the apron.

Everyone gets knocked down in the corner until Gail is dropkicked off the apron and onto the bridged ladder. We finally get a ladder set up in the middle of the ring but Brooke shoves it over, sending Angelina and Madison crashing down. Gail pulls Taryn down but both quickly climb up, only to have Brooke pull Gail through the rungs. Gail is dangling but stops Brooke from pulling the contract down. Not that it matters as the contract falls, allowing Taryn to dive onto it for the win.

Rating: D+. I’ve never been a fan of these short gimmick matches. What’s the point in even bringing the ladders in if they’re going to be done in less than seven minutes with five girls in there? You can barely get anything going and there’s almost no drama, though Taryn winning is always a good thing.

The Wolves are ready to face each other and they’re both coming at it hard. It’s all cool though.

Package on the Wolves.

Davey Richards vs. Eddie Edwards

This is just a dream match instead of a qualifying match. They’re in different tights tonight to make this feel a bit different. Feeling out process to start and both guys give a clean break in the corner. They point at the crowd and lock up against the ropes as this is totally even so far. Davey can’t spin out of a wristlock but they both spin out of a hammerlock into a standoff. Now Josh talks about grilled cheese and his ability to map minds.

More technical stuff leads to a headscissors from Davey and they trade something like the surfboard’s drunk cousins. The third standoff sets up Davey nailing a dropkick and putting on an Indian deathlock, complete with a Rude hip swivel. Edwards does the same (the swivel I mean) with the surfboard knee stomp as Josh is STILL going on about the mind map stuff. Davey is sent to the floor and both guys avoid dives, setting up Eddie’s moonsault off the apron to break his heel and put him on the shelf for three months. Back in and Davey hits a pair of Creeping Deaths (Eddie: “DO IT! DO IT!”) for the pin.

Rating: C. This is a hard one to grade as it was just starting to get going when the injury took place. They didn’t want to go after each other here but they were getting into the spirit of competition right before the ending. Good enough match though and the Wolves continue to be awesome on this show.

Austin Aries says he and Matt Hardy are good in any division. He has to talk over a match ending and it’s really distracting. Isn’t there like an office or locker room deep inside the building that they could do these in instead?

Clip of Aries beating Roode in the first Option C cash-in.

Austin Aries vs. Matt Hardy

Again, the winner doesn’t go to Ultimate X. They fight into the corner to start as the fans aren’t sure who to cheer for here. Matt scores a quick takedown and poses before doing it again and shouting 2-0. Aries takes him down twice in a row, lays on the ropes and says we’re tied. They hit the mat with a headlock into a headscissors counter and it’s already a standoff. Another mat sequence ends with Aries hitting a basement dropkick and a slingshot hilo for two.

The announcers ignore the match again but at least they talk about the main event. Well to be fair they make a bet on the main event but close enough. Aries dropkicks Matt out to the floor but his suicide dive hits a forearm. Matt fights back with a middle rope elbow to the back of the head but the Side Effect is blocked with an elbow to the head. The double underhook guillotine has Aries in trouble but he escapes and puts on the Last Chancery.

They fight over a suplex on the apron (of course the Last Chancery didn’t work. It hasn’t in years) and Matt is shoved to the floor for the suicide dive. Aries dives into a kick into the ribs though and eats a Twist of Fate on the floor. Austin barely beats the count back in and quickly drops Hardy, only to miss the 450. Matt misses the moonsault though and they slug it out from their knees. The Side Effect gets two for Matt but Aries pops up with a pair of discus forearms, the running corner dropkick and the brainbuster for the pin.

Rating: B. Match of the night here by about a million miles but it’s nothing worth going out of your way to see. This sounded like something that should be headlining an indy show and there’s nothing wrong with it being the second biggest main event on a nothing show like this. To be fair, a big indy show probably has a better card than a lot of One Night Only shows.

Video on Ultimate X.

Kenny King vs. Tigre Uno vs. Rockstar Spud vs. DJZ vs. Crazzy Steve vs. Manik

Ultimate X for $100,000. Yeah not a title shot or anything, but money. It’s a big brawl to start with Manik making the first failed attempt at the X. A limping Spud is down on the floor as Steve bites DJZ’s head and hits him with a Cannonball in the corner. Tigre stops King from getting the X but gets pulled down by Manik. King superplexes Steve down and hammers away before everyone is down for a bit.

Spud pulls DJZ down and other combinations do the same thing as this is already starting to drag. We hit the parade of dives with Spud going last. It’s clear that they’re just killing time at this point, likely due to the Wolves match going short. They get back in (including Steve, who Josh keeps calling Steve of Crazy) for a Tower of Doom and the fans are barely reacting. King shoves DJZ through part of the structure before pulling Spud off the cables.

Tigre hits a Phoenix Splash to the floor onto DJZ for no apparent reason. King and Manik screw up an alliance and END THIS ALREADY! King is the only one left standing so he pulls out a ladder. Spud makes his comeback and hammers away on King but Kenny hits him with the ladder. The slowest climb of all time allows Spud to make the save and….have to deal with Manik who springboards onto the ladder. Thankfully it quickly falls over and Spud hangs on, pulling down the X to win.

Rating: D+. WAY too long here with nearly 18 minutes to this thing. The guys were trying hard but this shouldn’t be more than about ten minutes at most. The lack of drama really hurt it too as the only two possible winners were King and Spud, and there was barely a single dramatic attempt at the X. Just too long here and it really dragged things down.

Overall Rating: D. Oh yeah this was dull. It went on too long (which says a lot as this wasn’t even 2:45 long and it had about 15 minutes added with the Slammiversary match) and nothing here was worth seeing. In other words, it’s basically the exact same thing that has plagued every One Night Only show, including the dreadful commentary. Matthews and Borash clearly didn’t care and they knew they wouldn’t get in trouble for it because no one watches these shows. Bad show, but the guys were indeed trying.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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TNA One Night Only – Hardcore Justice 4: That Stupid Crowd

Hardcore Justice 4
Date: April 10, 2015
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 1,100
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Jeremy Borash

This is one of the shows that has been the definition of hit and miss. When you just let people do hardcore violence, it can make for some entertaining matches. However, when you stop caring and just let them be goofy, it turns into a huge mess that makes no sense and is more embarrassing than anything else. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is just a quick package of clips of what’s coming later. This is extreme you might say.

Wolves vs. Manik/Geat Sanada

Ladder match. It’s a huge brawl to start of course with the Wolves being beaten out to the floor, sending the Revolution off to get the ladders early on. Davey gets back in to kick the ladder into the Revolution’s faces but their double suicide dive is countered with a ladder smash. Back up and the Wolves do their toss into a kick to the chest spot followed by a German suplex to send Sanada into the ladder.

Manik throws Edwards into the air to have him crash down onto the boots before finally setting up a ladder. Everyone but Manik goes to the floor so Davey dives back in for the save. Davey can’t go up quickly because of his back so Manik pulls out an orange ladder for a change of pace (Matthews: “TAZ IS BEHIND THE LADDERS!”) but it winds up bridged in between the ropes and the standing ladder. Manik and Davey fight on the ladder until Eddie pulls Manik down.

That goes badly for Eddie as Manik springboards back up to the ladder before hitting a wicked sunset powerbomb to drive Davey into the ladder. Naturally the TNA fans barely react to a huge spot. A delayed THIS IS AWESOME chant starts up and stops in the span of ten seconds. Sanada hits a standing moonsault on Eddie before they both head up, only to have Sanada bust out the mist.

Davey shoves the ladder over though and actually does something smart by using his wrist tape to clean his partner’s eyes. The Revolution gets their heads caught in the ladder so Eddie can hit a top rope double stomp for another spot that deserves a better reaction. The Wolves go up and get the contract, which apparently is for a future Tag Team Title shot.

Rating: B-. It’s a tag team ladder match with four guys who know how to work this style. Unfortunately they’re in front of a bored crowd who doesn’t seem interested in cheering and only had about ten minutes to work with here. Good match here and for some reason I have a feeling this show just hit its peak.

Drew Galloway is fired up for his pipe on a pole match against Kenny King. There’s no mention of the Rising here because they didn’t exist when this was filmed. I like that better though as Drew has more than enough charisma to carry a match.

Drew Galloway vs. Kenny King

Pipe on a Pole. The fans are fired up for Drew so both guys immediately go for the pipe. Why not let someone get it and nail them on the way down to grab it instead of making the save? Drew gets two off a suplex, making the pipe worthless/optional. King speeds things up and collides with Drew to knock both guys outside in a big crash. It’s Galloway taking over with the fans holding King so Drew can throw chops. One of the fans hands Drew a rubber chicken to beat on King, because a STEEL PIPE is too lame.

King no sells the rubber chicken (just go with it and it’ll end faster) and jumps to the apron and spins around for a cannonball to drop Drew. They finally remember the whole pipe thing and go after it with Drew hammering King down and nailing a middle rope Russian legsweep. A German suplex drops Kenny again and a middle rope elbow gets two. King gets back up and hits a spin kick to bring Drew down from the corner and a Michinoku Driver gets another near fall. Drew still can’t get the pipe as King knocks him into the Tree of Woe. King FINALLY gets the pipe but walks into a running boot to the face for the pin.

Rating: F. For a match it was fine but the pipe could have been anything from a fight in the crowd to a good looking woman to A RUBBER CHICKEN BEING SOLD IN A WRESTLING MATCH. It was a distraction instead of anything important and that’s one of the most annoying things in all of wrestling, making gimmick matches a huge waste of time. The rubber chicken brings this down even further.

Rockstar Spud gives a great promo about the scar Ethan Carter put on his forehead. Tonight isn’t about pinning Carter and that’s the way Spud wants it, because tonight is about making Carter bleed.

Gunner vs. Eric Young

Tables match which is the result of Young issuing an open challenge. JB: “You can see the crazy in his eyes.” No, you can’t Borash. Gunner punches him to the floor to start and rams Eric into the apron. Young sends him into the barricade and apron like a CRAZY man but Gunner chops him down and hits a headbutt off the steps. Fans: “USE THE CHICKEN!”

Instead they get a table but Eric fights out of a suplex and actually takes it back inside for more brawling. Gunner suplexes him right back to the floor and IT’S CHICKEN TIME! JB: “He’s choking him with the chicken!” We get another table set up at ringside but Eric blocks the German from the apron. Blast it why can’t we see him knocked senseless? Gunner sets up table #3 but actually puts this one inside for a change.

Eric gets in a shot to put Gunner down though and loads up a whip into the corner. Fans: “YOU STILL SUCK!” I like these people! Gunner is sent throat first into the ropes but is still able to break up the top rope elbow. A superplex plants Eric and Gunner hits something like a middle rope palm strike. They head to the apron, right above a table, but Gunner can’t hit a piledriver. Instead it’s a low blow from Young and a piledriver puts Gunner through the table for the win.

Rating: D+. This was still nothing good but it was MILES better than the pipe match. Young still sucks (just listening to the fans you see) and Gunner continues to be a guy just floating around on the roster. This wasn’t much of a tables match, but you get what you pay for on a show like this. Cool finisher though.

Package on Havok destroying Gail Kim over and over, eventually taking the title from her.

Gail Kim vs. Havok

Street fight. Gail rolls away from the monster to start and hits a running dropkick in the corner. Havok comes back with a shot of her own before having to block a kendo stick shot. It’s Havok getting in the first shot to Gail’s ribs before tying her in the Tree of Woe for even more ribs shots. Off to a standard choke instead before Havok lifts her up with a full nelson. Gail has to dropkick a trashcan back into Havok’s face and dives off the apron to take her down again.

Back in and Havok throws her into a chair in the corner, followed by a running knee to the face. Gail is fast enough to send her face first into the chair as well before hammering away in the corner. A spinning high cross body gets two for Kim but since it’s just a cross body, Havok kicks the chair into her face for two and loads up the chokeslam. Gail counters into a DDT on the chair for a big smash, but that’s too good of a finish so here’s Eat Defeat for the pin instead.

Rating: C. Better than I was expecting here with the right ending, even though Havok has just disappeared from the face of the earth since Kong returned. I still find Gail overrated, but she’s still more than good enough to carry a match like this. Good stuff here and one of the better matches of the night.

The Wolves may be banged up and half blind, but they’re going to Sizzler!

Abyss vs. Matt Hardy

Monster’s Ball of course, but the interesting thing is Christy introducing Abyss as the Swamp Suplex Machine, which has to be a rib of some sort. Matt gets one of the loudest chants of the night but Abyss easily shoves him around to start. They head outside with the fans wanting the chicken but having to settle for right hands from Hardy. It’s time for a barbed wire table with Abyss getting the better of it and bridging the table between the ring and the barricade.

A chokeslam is blocked so Matt throws in a trashcan full of weapons and whips out a cheese grater. After Abyss gets done wedging a chair in the corner, he turns around to feel a stepladder to the ribs. The fans actually chant for Abyss as he takes Matt over with a suplex, only to have Matt crotch him with the ladder. Hardy follows it up by using the chair as a golf club to drive the ladder even further in.

Abyss pops up with something made of metal to knock Hardy off the top, driving her into the barbed wire table for the match’s big spot. We get the required thumb tacks but Matt uses the cheese grater to the crotch for the save. You don’t do that even to a monster so he throws Matt into the chair in the corner.

The tacks are spread out but Matt drives him face first with the Twist of Fate, only to have his own back covered in tacks as well. The busted barbed wire table is brought back in as Matt basically no sells the tacks, only to eat an elbow to the jaw. It’s Janice time but of course it misses, allowing Matt to spear him through the barbed wire table. A Twist of Fate onto the chair gives Matt the pin.

Rating: C-. STOP HAVING THIS MATCH! They do the exact same spots with the exact same weapons, usually with the same ending and one of the same people in the match every single time. Just stop doing this match over and over again so many times, as it stopped being interesting a long time ago. Let it build up instead of just doing the same thing over and over and stop adding it in like a side salad. Let it be the main course for a change with a fresh recipe. Did I mention I haven’t had dinner yet?

James Storm says he’ll win the hardcore battle royal because he has the Revolution behind him.

Gauntlet Match

What would a One Nigh Only be without one of these? Two minute intervals and everyone has weapons. Robbie E. is in at #1 with a selfie stick and Crazzy Steve brings a bag of something. Robbie bails to the floor to start and attacks a distracted Steve from behind. Steve comes back and empties the bag to reveal…..Gummy Bears. Oh geez here we go. Robbie eats one and gets sick, setting up a chokeslam onto the Bears.

Jesse Godderz is in at #3 (OH THE SHOCK!) with a baseball bat (Matthews: “Perhaps left over from an icon?”) to try and make this serious. Steve avoids being eliminated as JB worries about the sugary goodness of the Gummy Bears. Chris Melendez is in at #4 with a nightstick, which is somehow a very welcome sight. That says a lot as Melendez is a very dull guy, but he’s better than the Gummy Bears and selfie stick.

The BroMans take over and it’s Samuel Shaw in at #5 with a wire. Nothing happens for now so it’s Khoya with a Revolution flag in at #6 as we’re still waiting on our first elimination. Khoya cleans house, including with a double clothesline to put the BroMans down. It’s rubber chicken time again (ERG!) with Steve getting in a few shots on most of the people until Crimson of all people is in at #7 (to almost no reaction from the announcers) with a trashcan lid.

Crimson and Khoya stare each other down but Shaw chokes Crimson down with the wire. Steve hits Robbie low with the chicken as there are WAY too many people in the ring at the moment. Robbie throws the chicken out but Tyrus is in at #8 with a chain, hopefully to eliminate some people. Robbie and Melendez are quickly tossed and Tyrus hammers away on Jesse in the corner.

Knux is in at #9 with a cane but it’s a cross body to put Tyrus down. Jesse is tossed and the freaking chicken is brought back in. Good grief let the stupid idea die already. James Storm and his noose with cowbell are in at #10 to hopefully make this a bit more serious. Storm is content to sit in a chair at ringside as Shaw chokes Crimson, only to have both guys fall out to the floor for a double elimination. DJZ is in at #11 with his bottle of hairspray because….yeah. Matthews loses his mind when he sees Storm’s rope wrapped around the chicken.

Tyrus hammers away in the corner and Mr. Anderson is in at #12, giving us a final group of Steve, Khoya, Tyrus, Knux, Storm, DJZ and Anderson. Mr. actually takes the mic off the cord to bring in as his weapon. That’s actually clever, unlike EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS MATCH. Anderson pounds on Tyrus in the corner and hammers away on everyone with the mic but gets taken down by Steve of all people.

Steve sprays hairspray in DJZ’s eyes for an elimination but gets tossed by Khoya. Knux follows him out and we’re down to four. Khoya misses a charge and is tossed out, leaving us with Tyrus, Anderson and Storm. The Last Call hits Tyrus by mistake and Anderson throws him over the top. Tyrus actually tries to skin the cat but it goes as well as you would expect. Storm throws a distracted Anderson out a few seconds later for the win.

Rating: F. I’d like to remind you that 95% of this match took place with the ring covered in Gummy Bears. Combine that with the chicken gag that WILL NOT JUST FREAKING STOP and I think you get why this was a nightmare to sit through. On top of that, it was a poorly run gauntlet with way too many people in the ring at the same time for the majority of the match.

Anderson Mic Checks Storm post match and eats some Gummy Bears. And puts some of them down Storm’s tights. I hate this show. Like, a lot.

Ethan Carter III brags about everything he’s put Spud through and says tonight is going to be the same all over again.

Long package on the history of Spud vs. Carter. That’s still a great story.

Ethan Carter III vs. Rockstar Spud

First blood and now with 100% fewer Gummy Bears. Carter talks about how no one makes him bleed before the match, but gets cut off by a CHICKEN’S BETTER chant. Spud comes out and has to hear another recap of the feud. Carter offers him a chance to leave but Spud turns to face him and nails Carter in the head with the mic to get things going. They head outside with Spud going after the face but stopping for his chicken pilgrimage.

Thankfully he throws it away and sends Carter into the post instead. Back inside with Carter taking over by sending Spud into the buckle a few times and dropping an elbow to the face. The freaking chicken gets another chant so Carter gives them a big sarcastic thumbs up. With Carter taking a breather, Spud removes the covering from the bolt holding the ring together.

Carter’s splash is sidestepped and his head hits the buckle, which Josh says is the actual turnbuckle. He knows this due to building a ring as a kid and having to learn all the terms. I know that sounds like the setup for a joke, but that’s actually kind of interesting. Now the fans are asking where’s the chicken. Spud gets all fired up and REMOVES THE BOWTIE to start his comeback with a flurry of punches. The Underdog connects and Carter rolls to the floor for a breather.

That sets up a huge flip dive from Spud as Carter is reeling. Cue Tyrus so Spud grabs a chair but Ethan breaks up another Underdog attempt. The referee gets bumped and Carter takes off the brace (fans: “CHICKEN KILLER!”), only to have Spud take it away and nail Carter in the mouth, drawing blood. Tyrus is quickly there with a towel to clean it up and a chain to help cheat and the match ends exactly as you would expect it to.

Rating: C-. Someone find whoever brought in that stupid chicken and cover them in batter. That thing stopped being funny about ten seconds after it was brought in and these fans have chanted for it for over an hour and a half. I know you didn’t pay to get in, but Heaven forbid you stop acting like idiots for five minutes so people can enjoy the show. And yes, I know how lame that sounds.

Tommy Dreamer says he’s bled in cages before but you can ask Raven and the Eliminators how tough he is inside the steel. Or we could ask someone who has actually been in a cage with you in the last, oh, fifteen years or so. I’m fine with Dreamer on a hardcore show. I get annoyed when they wedge hardcore in for the sake of a cheap nostalgia pop. In other words: do it naturally instead of forcing everything.

Bram vs. Tommy Dreamer

In a cage of course. The brawl starts on the floor before the bell and Dreamer puts on a rainbow mohawk wig while drinking a Coke. Well at least it’s not the chicken. Bram crotches Dreamer on the barricade but Tommy sends him into the cage door and then inside the cage to finally draw the opening bell. To further the stupidity of this show, the announcers don’t know how the match is going to end, but they think the match could spill outside the cage.

Bram does just that so he can slam the door on Tommy’s head, confusing the crowd even more. Back in and Dreamer is sent into the wall before we hit the chinlock. It is a cage match after all so that’s the level of violence you have to expect. Tommy finally comes back with a clothesline and we get a House of Hardcore chant. A bunch of punches set up a Bionic Elbow as the fans tell Dreamer he still has it.

We get a chair brought in because the cage isn’t enough and because we need Tommy to take a drop toehold onto a chair for contractual obligations. There’s the Tree of Woe/chair/dropkick/ECW chant spot. Matthews: “Tommy is always evolving and changing.” In all his years on commentary, Taz never made me laugh as much as that one line did. Dreamer hits the White Russian legsweep as Dreamer is now stealing others’ old spots. The Dreamer DDT (further proving my point) gets two so Tommy just kicks him low. Bram returns the low blow and hits the Brighter Side of Suffering onto the chair for the pin.

Rating: D+. See, this is the way you use Dreamer: occasionally and only when you have a hardcore show. I’m fine with him coming in for stuff like this (though not for the ECW chants) and putting someone over while getting the crowd going, but keep him off my TV every week.

Bobby Roode is ready for Lashley and can’t wait to continue their feud.

Package on the history between Roode and Lashley, who is still heel here.

Bobby Lashley vs. Bobby Roode

Last man standing. Roode drives him into the corner to start but Lashley powers him to the mat. Back up and Lashley gets kicked in the face, setting up the Blockbuster for an early six. The Roode Bomb is countered into a very delayed vertical suplex and Lashley pounds away in the corner. We get one of the few (likely unintentional) clever bits from the crowd all night: “LET’S GO BOBBY/BOBBY SUCKS!” Roode gets caught in a dragon sleeper for a nine but the fans start chanting for the chicken again.

Back up and Roode grabs a sleeper for nine. Thankfully it’s not a long lasting nine as Lashley gets up and plants Roode with a powerslam. More chicken chants take away from Lashley superplexing Roode for a double eight count. Roode grabs a spinebuster but Lashley hits one of his own for seven. Back up and Roode nails a spear followed by the Roode Bomb. That works as well as you would expect before Lashley spears Roode out to the floor. Roode is up at nine and avoids another spear, sending Lashley into the steps. A Roode Bomb on the floor gives Roode the win.

Rating: C. This was fine but totally paint by numbers. Roode and Lashley are capable of having great matches, but there’s only so much they can do in an environment like this one. At least Roode won, which would be nice to see today after all the weeks of putting Eric Young over for a story that isn’t leading anywhere.

Overall Rating: D-. Oh yeah this was awful. It’s very clear when they’re not trying on these things and it was even clearer than ever here. Making things even worse we had the most annoying crowd I’ve heard in years as they didn’t want to watch the show they were seeing and turned it into a big joke. That got old after about ten seconds so of course they kept going for over an hour. Terrible show that just kept going, though some of the guys were legitimately trying.

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TNA One Night Only – Jokers Wild III: And Now, For A Twist

Jokers Wild III
Date: March 6, 2015
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 1,100
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Jeremy Borash

This is the old standard for TNA as this series has somehow reached a third year. Thanks a lot TNA for screwing up your pay per views so I have to sit through even more of these things. It’s another show with a series of qualifying matches for a big gauntlet match for money at the end. Maybe Matthews can save the commentary here. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is the standard preview of the show that we’ve come to know and….I can’t imagine anyone looks forward to these things.

JB and Christy are drawing all of the names before each match. I won’t be mentioning any of these unless something of note happens. All matches are qualifying matches for the gauntlet match main event.

Robbie E./Jesse Godderz vs. Mr. Anderson/Al Snow

Hopefully this is the only required “random” pairing of a regular team. Anderson does Snow’s entrance: “WHAT IS EVERYONE INTERESTED IN??? WHAT DOES MR. ANDERSON REQUIRE???” Robbie pauses for a picture after the bell and says he wants Snow. The fans agree and we get Al vs. Robbie…..for five seconds until Robbie tags out. We’re still waiting on any significant contact until Snow slams Jesse a few times.

Off to Robbie who is terrified of Head. Snow takes him down into something like a Regal Stretch (arm trap STF) and pulls on his nipple. Anderson comes back in to crank on the arm (ignoring the nipple. So much for psychology) before it’s back to Snow, who gets caught in the double team. It’s already SO much easier here with the announcers focusing on the match instead of talking about anything else.

Snow takes Robbie over to the corner and Jesse, ever the schnook, grabs his partner’s arm by mistake and works it over. The non-Bros (sisters?) steal the selfie stick to show Jesse what he did and tensions are teased. Instead we get a double noggin knocker so Anderson and Snow can stand tall. Back in and Robbie interferes, allowing Jesse to nail a dropkick before E. comes in to stomp on the arm for two. The hot tag brings in Snow and everything breaks down. Anderson sneaks Head in to Snow so he can knock Jesse silly, only to get rolled up by Robbie for a surprise pin.

Rating: D+. This was a decent enough match but hokey smoke does the commentary make it easier to sit through. I used to dread these shows because of how horrible Tenay and Taz were but again, Josh Matthews is his average self and it’s more than a huge improvement. The BroMans winning makes sense here and the less I have to watch Mr. Anderson be his run of the mill standard, the better I am.

The BroMans say they’re winning the $100,000 and spending it in one night.

DJZ/Samuel Shaw vs. Rockstar Spud/Awesome Kong

This could be a trainwreck. Thankfully this was taped less than a month before it aired so a lot of this is up to date, but unfortunately some is also ahead of schedule. For instance, Spud is bald here, a week before the hair vs. hair match took place. TNA goes Back to the Future? Spud is very, very happy with his partner. Spud and DJZ get things going and I really want to see DJZ hit on Kong.

They start with a basic cruiserweight style sequence until Spud dances in front of Kong. She tags herself in and actually gets caught in a headlock from DJZ, only to pull him down by the mohawk. Shaw comes in with a creepy mustache but Spud tags himself in to say that Kong is a lady. He stops Shaw from slapping her in the face and hammers away with some Popeye wind-up punches.

Spud gets double teamed in the corner as, get this, the announcers TALK ABOUT UPCOMING SHOWS TO MAKE US WANT TO SEE THEM. Not football, not references 8% of the audience will get, and not inside jokes. They actually do their jobs for a change and it’s just a step beneath glory. Kong gets the hot tag and cleans house with a crotch claw to Samuel and a chokeslam to DJZ, setting up the Jimmy Snuka/Andre the Giant shoulders splash for the pin on DJZ.

Rating: D+. Again this was fine and a big shorter than the first match. It’s still not a good match or anything like that, but Spud is almost always a highlight of these things, even when he has nothing to work with like he did here. Is Shaw even with the company anymore? I don’t remember the last time he was on Impact and I can’t say I’m complaining. The guy is just one idea that has been played to death.

Spud is terrified of Kong so she kisses him. He seems to like it and faints.

Ethan Carter III says luck is power. Luck is having stroke. Luck is having your aunt own the company. Last year he won the competition and burned the money at Burning Man because he’s awesome like that.

Davey Richards/Eddie Edwards vs. Austin Aries/Bobby Roode

If this isn’t the longest tag match of the night, it’s a crying shame. Josh gets his facts wrong by saying Aries has the record for most X-Division Title reigns with six (Sabin had eight). Aries and Roode both try to go to the apron and then both start try to get in. I saw them team live once and they had the most entertaining match of the night.

We finally get down to Richards vs. Aries with Austin taking him down by the wrist. A series of tags leads to top rope elbows to the arm as the announcers talk about where the Wolves came up with their name. Apparently it has to do with teaming together in Wolverhampton, England. This leads to a quick discussion about JB being in that city before and it’s right back to talking about the match. Why does Taz have a job again?

The Wolves double team Aries in the corner and drop elbows on his back, only to have their double dive broken up by a double clothesline. We settle down to Roode dropping a knee on Richards for two. Aries slaps on the Last Chancery and the fans get behind the Wolves. That lasts all of three seconds before it’s back to Roode for a hard clothesline. Davey fights back out of the corner but the double teaming brings him back down.

The match gets a bit boring, so the announcers make predictions for the gauntlet. I love this new team. Aries and Roode keep tagging in and out for chops and punches in the corner. Davey finally comes back with the eternally stupid “make your opponent DDT his partner” spot and the hot tag brings in Eddie. Everything breaks down and Davey has to save his partner from a double suplex, setting up the German suplex into a jackknife cover for two on Roode.

Aries makes the save and sends Davey to the floor before hitting the running dropkick in the corner to Edwards. The Wolves headbutt out of stereo superplex attempts but miss stereo double stomps. The Roode Bomb and brainbuster are escaped as well, setting up stereo rollups for the pin. Eh I prefer monaural but this was good enough.

Rating: B. I think we can pencil this in for match of the night. Yeah it makes it very clear that the drawings are rigged, but this was so much easier to sit through than another comedy match with WACKY partners. There are better matches out there, but this is a classic by One Night Only standards. Good stuff.

Spud, with lipstick on his face, is with Kong and asks about room rates at Motel 6. Kong puts her arm around his shoulders. Spud: “Sup baby?” This cracked me up.

Ethan Carter III is chosen for the next match but has to say all the jokers here are in the audience. He has a pretty good feeling that he might be paired with Tyrus. “Christy, I’ll tumble for you if you tumble for me first.”

Ethan Carter III/Crazzy Steve vs. Tyrus/Knux

Well what are the odds of that? I’m getting a bit tired of thinking something like that over and over. Steve has a pair of Carter’s trunks on because he’s a painted up thief. He redeems himself a bit by doing Ethan’s pose. JB thinks Tyrus is going to lay down for his boss, which isn’t something an announcer just flat out suggests most of the time. Knux’s beard is now curled to either side like pigtails.

Steve and Tyrus get things going but Carter tags himself in to tell the big man to lay down. Tyrus won’t do it though as he could win $100,000….and it’s one finger to the chest for two as Knux makes the save. Steve comes back in to grab a rollup as this slow motion continues.

Knux picks Steve up and walks him around the ring, accidentally kicking Tyrus in the face. We get the Bushwhackers march until Steve rolls Knux up for two. It’s back to Tyrus (I don’t remember a tag in the last two minutes) who misses a splash in the corner, leaving Knux to punch Carter. A dropkick and cross body put Carter down but Tyrus nails Knux from behind to give Carter the pin.

Rating: D. I really don’t care for this kind of match and unfortunately this show feels like it was made by Vince Russo to get all these wacky finishes into three hours. It doesn’t help that they’re just throwing these matches out there and not even trying to hide that the draw is rigged. I’d love to see an actual random draw, just for the fun of it.

James Storm says tonight is a game of chances so even the Revolution aren’t friends and allies tonight.

Eric Young/Bram vs. Magnus/Tommy Dreamer

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I’ve sat through every show in this series and I get ERIC YOUNG AND TOMMY FREAKING DREAMER IN THE SAME MATCH??? My early guess: this match is going to suck. Magnus doesn’t even wait on his partner to get here (can you blame him?) and the fight is on in the aisle.

Now the double brawl is on in the aisle with Dreamer and Young going at it. It’s like my greatest nightmare come to life. Some people are scared of death. Some are scared of their loved ones getting hurt. I’m scared of Eric Young vs. Tommy Dreamer. Thankfully they switch off and start fighting in the ring for the opening bell with Magnus working on the arm…..and of course tagging out to increase the suck.

Bram comes in and gets caught in a spinebuster before Dreamer does a People’s Elbow. Seriously. If Tommy Dreamer is the People’s Champion, I’m defecting to the leeches and rodents. Eric breaks it up and Bram (in his violent pink trunks) hammers away on the floor before putting on a chinlock. Dreamer won’t let Young cover him so the heels tag behind the referee’s back to trade places. At least they were polite enough to make a tag.

Young hooks a chinlock as the announcers talk about what the earlier winners do before they head to the gauntlet. This might be stupid, but it’s better than most of the nonsense I usually have to hear. Dreamer finally hooks an atomic drop and the hot tag brings in Magnus to clean house. Suddenly the match is so much less aneurysm inducing. Young gets thrown to the floor and Dreamer puts on a rooster hat. Well of course he does. Idiot. A fat splash gets two on Bram but Young kicks Tommy low to set up Brighter Side of Suffering from Bram for the pin.

Rating: D. Even though Eric Young sucks and I wouldn’t mind seeing him sacrificed to a pagan crocodile god, he’s much more in his element here with a brawling style and a match that means nothing. I get far more annoyed with him when he’s in the main event and World Title pictures, so throwing him in something like this is more acceptable. Dreamer needs to be thrown into the center of the sun. Maybe his tears about ECW dying can cool things down.

The Wolves enjoy being challenged and Eddie thinks the win was a good sign. That’s some serious insight.

James Storm/Gunner vs. Kenny King/Chris Melendez

Can we get a second match with no screwy booking? It can’t be that hard. Storm and King get things going before it’s quickly off to Gunner, who doesn’t seem to care for Kenny’s antics. They trade leapfrogs until King drop toeholds him down, only to run to the floor from an angry Gunner.

Melendez comes in to face Gunner and they’re nice enough to shake hands. Chris wants Storm but James bails to the floor as the fans tell him he has Herpes. Gunner finally tags out by slapping James in the face. Storm easily takes Melendez down and puts on a Figure Four to really hammer in the evil. If nothing else it proves which leg that hold hurts.

That goes nowhere so Storm and King mock saluting each other, drawing in Gunner to clean house. James tags himself back in but gets cut by some Melendez clotheslines. A tornado DDT gets two on Storm and everything breaks down. Matthews calls King an (uncensored) SOB for a cheap shot to Melendez. Storm sidesteps a horrible spear from Gunner which hits Melendez, giving James the pin.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t much to see but for the love of all things good and holy come up with a new way of booking these things. You can almost guarantee that you’ll have a team who has been together before or a team that is currently feuding, but in this case they doubled up on the lame booking.

Young says he and Bram love having extra opportunities to hurt people. Why not go jump on a pile of chainsaws to hurt yourself then?

Tigre Uno/Manik vs. Sonjay Dutt/Gail Kim

Well that’s certainly different. Feeling out process to start with Sonjay and Tigre trading dropkicks but Manik tags himself in. Sonjay cranks on a wristlock until Manik does a way too complicated flipping escape. Gail comes in and slaps Manik in the mask, only to get shoved down. She avoids a springboard missile dropkick though and does a springboard wristdrag with a headscissors to Tigre as a bonus. Back up and Manik throws her down by the hair but Gail puts on something like AJ’s Black Widow.

Everything breaks down and Manik cleans house to a polite smattering of applause. Manik rolls some suplexes on Sonjay as Matthews talks about being a potential X-Division talent back in the day. I think I’ve heard that before and it’s not the most thrilling idea for the division. Sonjay fights out of a chinlock and sends Manik into the buckle as the announcers discuss Grado. I still don’t get it. Kim comes back in and takes Tigre down with a headscissors, followed by Eat Defeat to both guys. Sonjay adds a top rope splash for the pin on Uno.

Rating: D+. Total spot fest here with no flow, direction or anything unique other than Gail being involved. I like it better than just having your standard match and Kim is more than good enough to hang in there with some guys, but the match was just a bunch of spots by guys that don’t seems like they know how to structure a match.

Lashley/Khoya vs. Abyss/Great Sanada

Well that’s one way to push Lashley. This is the last qualifying match. Lashley and Sanada get things started by trading wristlocks until Lashley plants him with a slam. Khoya won’t tag in though so it’s Lashley vs. Abyss. That’s fine with Lashley as he runs Abyss over as well before hitting a nice suplex for no cover.

Khoya drops to the floor to avoid another tag so Lashley hits a delayed suplex for two on Sanada. Abyss comes back in as the announcers talk about Gail Kim’s love of shoes. We get some stable miscommunication as Abyss hits Khoya by mistake and start slugging it out with Khoya getting the better of it. Both guys grab the other by the throat but Storm tells Khoya to come outside and then go to the back.

So it’s a handicap match now with Abyss splashing Lashley in the corner, followed by Sanada choking with some tape. That doesn’t knock Lashley out because this is wrestling, so Bobby gets up and starts cleaning house with clotheslines. Abyss’ chokeslam is no sold and Lashley spears both guys down for the pin.

Rating: D+. That was different and a good way to get Lashley over, but it’s still not a good match for the most part. On the other hand, the Revolution SUCKS. There are far too many people in it and I have no idea what the point of the team even is at anymore. This was another lame match but that’s almost required at this point.

Gauntlet Match

Basically a Royal Rumble with two minute intervals. Awesome Kong in at #1 and Gail Kim in at #2 for another SHOCKING twist. Gail hammers away in the corner but Kong tosses her down with ease. Some right hands drop Gail again and Kong stands on her hair. Jesse Godderz is in at #3 and offers to let the girls keep fighting. Gail forearms him in the jaw and dropkicks him in the corner, only to be thrown over the top and out to the floor. That earns Godderz a right hand to the ribs but AMAZINGLY, Robbie E. is in at #4.

Kong fights them both off again and no sells Robbie’s chops. The BroMans stand on her hands but Kong goes beast mode to shove them off as Rockstar Spud is in at #5. He cleans house with dropkicks and checks on Kong, who splashes the BroMans in the corner. Spud has to hang on to avoid an elimination but gets thrown to the floor through the ropes. That’s perfect timing as Ethan Carter III is in at #6 and the fight is on in the aisle.

They get back in and Carter sidesteps a charging Spud, sending him into Kong instead. The distraught Spud is eliminated and it’s the BroMans, Carter and Kong. All three guys team up to fail at eliminating her so here’s Gunner at #7. The BroMans double team him down as Kong misses a charge and gets low bridged to the floor for an elimination. Eddie Edwards is in at #8 but the heels triple team him as well. There’s nothing to talk about in this match and Davey Richards is in at #9.

The Wolves start cleaning house with their wide variety of kicks. Carter gets splashed by all three good guys and gets thrown over, only to land on the steps for a save. James Storm is in at #10 to give us Storm, Gunner, Richards, Edwards, Robbie E., Godderz and Carter. Storm is fine with waiting at ringside as Carter begs him for help. That story lasts all of ten seconds before Storm gets in and adds to the incredible levels of dullness in this match.

Sonjay Dutt is in at #11 and is quickly Last Called and dumped. That’s probably good as he might have sped things up and gotten them interesting. Gunner gets a Last Call for an elimination as well. Crazzy Steve, still in Carter’s trunks, is in at #12 and tries to dump Carter until Storm makes the save. Eddie pulls Storm’s shirt over his face and chops away as Khoya is in at #13. We’ve got Khoya, Storm, Richards, Edwards, Carter, Steve, Robbie E. and Godderz at the moment.

Steve bites Carters fingers to send him to the steps again but Carter has some Kofi in him and makes a save. Bram is in at #14 and takes his time to stay away from the ring. That goes nowhere so Lashley is in at #15 to eliminate both BroMans and Khoya in short order. Storm chokes Lashley in the corner to slow him down and Eric Young is in at #16. No wonder this match sucks. Eric Young is the grand finale. The final group is Young, Steve, Lashley, Carter, Storm, Edwards, Richards and Bram.

Young piledrives Steve for an easy elimination and the Wolves clothesline Bram to the floor. The Wolves get rid of Storm as well but Young and Gunner dump both of them, leaving us with Lashley, Carter and Young. Bobby clotheslines both of them at once but Carter saves his makeshift partner. A double suplex makes Lashley look strong again but they send him to the apron for more stomping. That goes badly as well as Lashley low bridges Young out, leaving him with Carter. The 1%er is easily countered and Lashley nails a spear for the elimination, FINALLY ending this.

Rating: D-. The wrestlers clearly didn’t want to be in there and much like everything else tonight, it went so fast that they didn’t have time to develop anything. This match felt like it went on forever and you knew Lashley was winning (ok maybe Carter could have won it again) pretty much the second his music hit. It’s more boring than bad but that’s not really a big improvement.

Lashley gets the check and a three and a half minute highlight package takes us out.

Overall Rating: D. I had some slightly elevated hopes for the new commentary team, but they couldn’t save this. They’re light years better than Taz and Tenay and made the show a lot easier to sit through, but it doesn’t make what you’re watching really dull. This was two hours of goofy booking instead of just throwing out random pairings and making it a bit more interesting before a REALLY boring main event. It’s a one idea show and that idea is done in about the first half hour. The lack of effort really shows in these things and they lose their charm way too fast, including on this one.

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TNA One Night Only – Rivals: A Rivalry With My Sanity

Rivals
Date: February 6, 2015
Location: Royal Palace Theater, Roanoke Rapids, North Carolina
Attendance: 400
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz

For the love of all things good and holy don’t tell me that these shows are going to become even more frequent now. These things continue to be some of the least interesting shows produced, but the worst part is they’re just kind of there. Some of the matches are watchable, but they’re clearly just there to fill in requirements based on the lack of effort in setting up the shows. Let’s get to it.

I think the theme here is obvious.

Standard music video opening showing us some of the stuff we’ll be seeing tonight.

JB is walking down the ramp towards the ring to fire up the crowd. If there’s a more under appreciated guy in TNA, I don’t know who it is.

We recap Gail Kim vs. Taryn Terrell, which is built up over some of their legitimately great showdowns on PPV over the years.

The lights are very low again to make sure you can’t see how small the crowd is.

Taryn Terrell vs. Gail Kim

Both seem to be faces here. Tenay suggests that they focus on the rivalries instead of anything else, which I give about five minutes. Taryn takes her down with a hammerlock but gets caught in a headlock for a counter. The announcers are already onto medical info they’ve found online which has nothing to do with anything going on at the moment. They actually got to about two minutes of staying focused before flying off the cliff.

Taryn gets two off a running flip neckbreaker and the same off a snap suplex. A high cross body misses though as Taz calls Terrell one hot possum. Gail gets in some kicks to the ribs and Taryn is bleeding from the mouth. Off to the knee as Tenay mentions being in dental school at one point. A Brock Lock has Terrell in trouble as the commentary goes from phones to Rollie Fingers (baseball player).

Taryn finally kicks Gail out to the floor and throws her off the stage into the dozens of people in the crowd. She hits a cross body to take Gail down again but bangs up the knee even worse. Taz thinks they’re in Roanoke, Virginia as Taryn gets two off a middle rope clothesline. Off to a dragon sleeper, drawing out a bunch of Japanese wrestling references. Yeah I talk about the commentary on these shows a lot, but there isn’t much to talk about with the wrestling or stories so what else am I supposed to cover?

Gail wraps the bad knee around the post for a four count from the referee but she walks into an RKO for two with the knee slowing up the cover. Kim rolls through a high cross body for two and blocks another RKO, setting up Eat Defeat for a close two. Taryn avoids a missile dropkick and another RKO is good for the pin at 12:33. Taz: “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?” It’s not the biggest upset in the world. Taz on the blood in Taryn’s mouth: “Go see Isaac Yankem.”

Rating: B-. These two always have good matches together and this was one of the better matches I’ve seen on this series. The knee work could have played into the finish more but at least it played a factor at all. At least Taryn won, but unfortunately it led to even more of Taz’s annoying commentary. That’s the running problem with most of these shows as they go from boring to insufferable almost every time.

We recap Gunner pinning Mr. Anderson to win a future World Title shot last year with an unintentional assist from James Storm. That led to a really lame feud which gets to continue here tonight.

Mr. Anderson vs. James Storm

Taz: “Everybody likes bullropes!” In a funny bit, there’s no mic to drop from the ceiling so JB sneaks up behind Anderson and puts a mic in his hand. “If it works it works right?” We’re finally ready to go after some cowboy stalling. By ready to go I mean ready to circle each other for a good bit until Anderson runs him over with a shoulder. Storm comes back with some right hands and chokes on the ropes, only to be sent out to the floor for more stalling.

Now James starts going after the leg because why not do the exact same thing that was done in the previous match? A chop block has Anderson in even more trouble and it’s time to talk about football. Storm mixes it up with an armbar but goes right back to the leg. Now they talk about Ed Sabol, who passed away the week after this show first aired. What it has to do with this match is beyond me but Anderson starts fighting back with right hands to FINALLY bring the commentary back to the match.

Storm misses a charge in the corner and gets caught in the rolling fireman’s carry for two. Cue Sanada for a distraction so Storm get hit a middle rope DDT (cool move actually) for two. Sanada gets a bit more direct by kicking Anderson in the head, setting up the Lat Call for the pin at 8:27.

Rating: D+. I know he’s trying but Anderson’s matches just don’t do it for me. They can be decent if he has the time to get them there, but a basic match like this has never been his strong game. I’ll try to hold back on the commentary rants, but they were worse here than I’ve heard them in a long time. I mean they might have talked about the match for maybe three minutes of about eight and a half. That’s pitiful.

Eric Young says he and Abyss used to be best friends and now they’re going to have a Monster’s Ball match. Well of course they are. Abyss brought out the monster in Young and it brought him the World Title, so tonight Abyss is getting his best.

Kenny King vs. DJZ vs. Great Sanada vs. Samoa Joe

Elimination rules. All three try to jump Joe on the floor to start but he turns around to only see DJZ. Joe eventually kicks DJZ down before staying on the floor with him, leaving Sanada and King to fight inside. King scores with a dropkick as Joe can be seen destroying DJZ. They switch spots but King stops Joe from nailing DJZ, earning him a right hand of his own.

Kenny loads up a suicide dive but runs into King’s boot. Sanada goes after Joe for what could be an interesting match as Taz still can’t remember where they are. Oh yeah we’ve got a running gag. Back in and a triple boot puts Joe down and DJZ adds a Lionsault. A springboard spinning legdrop gets two for King and three straight elbows in the corner have Joe reeling.

The commentary kind of stays on the match by comparing Joe to Andre the Giant in battle royals, bringing them to a discussion of Haystacks Calhoun. Joe starts fighting back and catches DJZ in a Muscle Buster for an elimination. Another double team doesn’t work that well as Joe punches both guys away but walks into a springboard Blockbuster from King for two.

Sanada goes after King but gets caught in the Clutch to get us down to Joe vs. King. King immediately goes up for the missile dropkick but Joe just walks away. I still love that spot. The release Rock Bottom out of the corner looks to set up the Muscle Buster but Sanada mists Joe (with the referee CLEARLY LOOKING AT IT) to give King the pin.

Rating: C. Eh not terrible and I liked the idea of throwing the win to King instead of just having Joe run through everyone in his sight. That being said, HOW DID THE REFEREE NOT DQ KING FOR THE MIST??? Even Taz, the barren wasteland of intelligence on commentary, saw what happened and wanted to know how the referee couldn’t call anything. Stuff like that drives me crazy, especially after a quick enough and decent match.

Roode says he and MVP have hated each other since MVP sat foot in this company because they both want the World Title. Tonight MVP learns why it pays to be Roode.

Recap of Bram vs. Abyss in their hardcore series.

Bram vs. Gunner

When were these two rivals? From what I can find they only had a single match at No Surrender last year which was more about Samuel Shaw and Gunner. Bram bails from Gunner to start before running into a shoulder block for two. A headlock of all things slows Gunner down as the announcers talk about where they’re going for a post show party.

Tenay even brings up the Aces and 8’s but Taz laughs it off. Bram sends him into the buckle for the expected results as they’re still on this after party while throwing in a discussion of Bobo the cameraman. They head outside for a bit with Bram pulling him into the post to take over for the first time.

We hit the chinlock on Gunner until he fights up and rams Bram into the corner as the talk is back to football. They slug it out from their knees until Bram has to escape an F5 attempt. A Rock Bottom works a bit better for Gunner and the fans chant USA. Gunner gets crotched on the top rope but tries a sunset bomb, only to have Bram sit on top of him for the pin at 8:50.

Rating: D+. This would have been so much better if they had let them brawl. Gunner can get in a fight when he needs to and this would have been the perfect option. However, why let a new hardcore guy like Bram showcase himself when you can have Abyss do it again after all those years of doing the exact same thing?

We look back at EC3 injuring Angle’s knee and still being undefeated.

Here are Carter and Spud to say Ethan can’t face his rivals because he’s beaten them all. He goes over the list of everyone he’s beaten and sent away, meaning he’s the greatest wrestler in the world. This brings out Austin Aries, who doesn’t like the sound of that moniker. Carter can’t call himself that until he faces Austin Aries in this ring because he brings greatness out of people. “Let’s start a rivalry right now.”

Ethan Carter III vs. Austin Aries

Aries goes right for the brainbuster but settles for an armdrag and the Last Chancery. Carter bails to the floor and takes a big dive as it’s all Aries early on. He makes the mistake of chasing Spud though and gets caught by a big clothesline to give Carter his first offense. Back in and my goodness the crowd being blacked out is distracting. It’s like they’re wrestling in an elementary school gym with a big black curtain behind the three rows of fans.

Aries is rammed face first into the mat for two and we hit the chinlock. Spud gets in a few cheap shots when Aries is sent to the floor again but Carter follows him out and eats some chops to the chest. Now we’re talking about wrestlers’ real names and football careers. Back in for all of ten seconds before Carter dumps him again. Spud has to adjust the ring skirt so you can’t see the wood underneath the ring.

We hit another chinlock on Austin before he avoids being sent all the way to the floor. Carter gets sent into alternating buckles about ten times in a row but is able to come back with a powerbomb for two. The 1%er is countered but Aries can’t hit the running corner dropkick. Instead he snaps Carter’s neck across the rope and hits the missile dropkick. The brainbuster is loaded up but Spud pulls the foot and plays Bobby Heenan at Wrestlemania V to give Carter the pin at 8:30.

Rating: D. WAY too much stalling in this one as they had to go outside or to the chinlock almost every other minute. I don’t think anyone thought Carter was going to lose here but that doesn’t mean they can’t give the fans something to get excited about anyway. Spud and Carter were such a great pairing and they’re still entertaining now that they’re feuding.

Spud takes a brainbuster post match.

Abyss says Eric Young is his rival. Joseph Park brought out the best in him and then Young won the World Title. Tonight is just a regular match so Abyss can’t hurt him too bad, but it’s still going to hurt.

Video on Abyss embracing his dark side. The Joseph Park stuff feels like an eternity ago.

Eric Young vs. Abyss

Before the match Abyss grabs the mic and just make it a Monster’s Ball match already. Abyss says it’s been a long time and this show is about rivals. He can’t help but think about the time when they were friends. Eric and Joseph Park brought out the best in each other and Young wound up winning the World Title. However, Abyss is Young’s fault and Eric is lucky that this isn’t a hardcore match. Young is tired of being blamed for Abyss’ mess, so let’s get nuts and make this Monster’s Ball. I’m stunned.

Young fires off right hands to start and scores with his spinning forearm to the head. Abyss gets tired of getting punched in the face and throws Eric to the floor before getting some toys. Back to the football stuff with Taz acknowledging that they’re talking about it a lot tonight. Young finds a hockey stick and throws more weapons into the ring but runs into an elbow to the jaw.

It’s already table time as Taz finally remembers the Oakland Raiders line about cheating being encouraged. The table is set at ringside for later as Young is sent hard into the corner. Abyss cracks him in the head with a trashcan lid for a loud smack but the follow up trashcan shot doesn’t sound as good. The fans want tacks but get a chair to Young’s ribs instead. We hit the neck crank for a bit before Abyss crotches himself on a chair. The fans aren’t exactly thrilled by what they’re seeing here. Tenay asks if there’s such a thing as Yambag Scrabble to make my headache even worse.

Young scores with a missile dropkick for two and starts swinging the kendo stick. Somehow this turns into a discussion of Paul Bunyan chopping down trees with jujitsu. Taz: “With the edge of his hand!” Abyss throws Young through the table at ringside but only gets two back inside. It’s Janice time but Young crotches him with a cheese grater. The top rope elbow is good for the pin at 10:54.

Rating: C-. Another “well, that happened” match as we’ve seen these two have weapons matches so many times that it’s really hard to get excited about it again. The fact that this was just a by the numbers Monster’s Ball match doesn’t help either, but that’s the case for almost every special match in this series.

Long recap of Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love, dating back to the original Beautiful People days. If nothing else we get to look at Lacey Von Erich again.

Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love

Madison cranks on the arm to start and mocks Angelina’s entrance, earning her a forearm to the head. Back in and a quick rollup gets two for Madison, followed by the scissors stomp. Angelina doesn’t appreciate that and takes it outside to send Rayne into the barricade. A big forearm gets another two for Angelina as this is really dull so far. She follows up with a basement dropkick and a second dropkick to send Madison back to the floor.

Back in and Tenay and Taz babble on about whatever their latest stupid topic is. Madison makes her comeback with a forearm and an enziguri, followed by a northern lights suplex for two. The Rayne Drop is countered into Lights Out (downward spiral) for a near fall. Another Rayne Drop is countered and Love grabs a rollup with a handful of trunks for the pin at 7:59.

Rating: F+. The only good thing here is how well they look in their outfits. Other than that, this was one of the least interesting matches I’ve seen in recent memory. It was clear that neither of them was interested in doing anything outside of just the basics and that’s not a good thing after a show this dull so far.

MVP says Bobby Roode is rewriting history because he wasn’t scared to fight Bobby for the title. The rivalry is because MVP is one of the best of all time and Roode just thinks he is. If Roode wants to test himself against the best then MVP is fine with beating the heck out of him tonight.

We recap Lashley beating Eric Young to win the World Title and hurting his arm until Bobby Roode made the save. This led to MVP being fired as the boss and Kurt Angle taking the job.

And now, just so they don’t have to do even more new stuff, here’s Roode vs. Lashley for the World Title from Impact on October 24, 2014.

TNA World Title: Lashley vs. Bobby Roode

They have a ton of time for this, Lashley is defending and Kurt Angle is guest referee. MVP and King are nowhere in sight. Lashley powers Bobby into the corner to start and easily takes him down with an amateur move. A hard shoulder to the ribs has Roode in even more trouble but Bobby comes back with a clothesline and tells Lashley to bring it on. The champ is all fired up but his clothesline is countered into the Crossface, sending Lashley out to the floor.

We take a break and come back with Lashley holding a reverse wasitlock until Bobby fights up with forearms. A quick Blockbuster gets two but Roode charges into a spinning spinebuster. Lashley ducks another shot but clotheslines Angle (first time he’s meant anything in the match) by mistake. The Roode Bomb is countered and Lashley nails the spear with no one to count the pin. Another spear hits Angle to knock him to the floor, allowing Roode to enziguri Lashley to the floor.

Bobby follows and avoids a spear, sending a ring attendant flying. A Roode Bomb on the ramp puts both guys down but there’s still no Angle to count anything. Instead Brian Hebner comes in to count the near fall and Bobby is frustrated. Lashley hits Roode low and gets the belt but Hebner says no.

That earns him a knockout clothesline, allowing Lashley to hit Roode with the belt. Angle comes in to count two and is finally back to his feet. The Roode Bomb is countered and Lashley snaps Bobby’s throat across the top rope. Another attempt is countered into a sunset flip attempt but Roode falls on top for the pin and the title at 17:49.

Rating: B. The match got going near the middle but I really don’t see why Angle needed to be out there. Any regular referee could have played his role to the same degree but maybe they’re setting up Lashley vs. Angle down the line? The important part though is Roode being made into a bigger deal than he was before, but now he needs to have a very solid title reign to make it even better. TNA is really needing a top face and if Roode is that guy then so be it.

Bobby Roode vs. MVP

The announcers of course discuss sushi. Roode charges the ring and hammers away before sending MVP into the buckle. Another clothesline sends MVP bailing to the floor but he comes back with a kick to the face. Roode gets punched on the floor as we hear about Masahiro Chono influencing MVP’s offense. Back in and MVP misses a running boot in the corner but Kenny King comes in for the DQ at 2:28.

Eric Young runs out for the save and let’s have a tag match, because WE NEED MORE ERIC YOUNG!

Eric Young/Bobby Roode vs. MVP/Kenny King

Young and King get started with Kenny slugging him down in the corner. Eric comes back with a wristlock and makes the tag to Roode for a double hiptoss. Off to MVP for some shots to Bobby’s ribs and forearms to the head. For some reason this warrants a talk about the original Sheik as Roode scores with a suplex for two. Bobby follows it up by falling out to the floor and getting stomped by King. MVP covers with one finger for two because he’s a cocky heel that knows how to annoy a crowd.

We hit the chinlock on Roode and somehow find more football stuff to talk about. Roode fights up with a sunset flip and the referee has to slow down because MVP misses his save. A good looking spin kick to the head drops Roode and MVP cancels the Ballin Elbow and just covers for two. Back up and the spinebuster plants King and it’s the hot tag to Roode. Eric cleans house and the fans just do not care for the most part. A belly to belly gets two on King but Kenny comes back with a kind of reverse AA to plant Eric. MVP is “injured” but of course is playing possum, setting up the Black Out kick for the pin on Eric at 8:03.

Rating: C-. Who in the world thought we needed to see Eric Young twice in one night? Thankfully it was Roode in there most of the time to keep things from getting horrible, but this really wasn’t the most interesting thing in the world. I like that they mixed it up a bit as you can only see so many singles matches in a row, but this really didn’t do it for me. Then again that might be all about Eric Young.

Magnus talks about beating Jeff Hardy to win the World Title for the first time at Final Resolution to win the World Title. Who thought that Jeff Hardy could lose a ladder match? Edge and Christian perhaps? Tonight he gets to face Hardy one more time and he’ll enjoy getting to see the teenage girls weeping. It’s the same story it always is between these two.

We recap the tournament for the World Title with Magnus eventually beating Jeff in a Dixieland match for the title.

Jeff Hardy vs. Magnus

Jeff goes into the crowd with his home state fans before the match. We even get big match intros to kill even more time. Magnus shoves him down to start and tells the painted one to bring it. Hardy’s arm work doesn’t get him anywhere so Magnus stomps him down in the corner. A clothesline sends Magnus to the floor and Jeff follows him out with a nice dive. Back in and the mule kick gets two and Jeff calls for the creatures. A slingshot is countered with a European uppercut and Hardy falls back out to the floor.

Back in and Magnus gets too cocky and earns a right hand to the face. They head right back outside with Hardy getting rammed into the barricade and ripping down the ring skirt in the process. The announcers debate bad commentators named Mike over the years as Magnus powerbombs Jeff down. Time for some chinlockery until Jeff jawbreaks his way to freedom. He can’t follow up though and gets caught in an abdominal stretch.

Jeff ducks another clothesline and starts his comeback with the legdrop between the legs. There’s the Whisper in the Wind for two followed by the Twisting Stunner. The Twist of Fate gets two but Magnus counters into something like the ProtoBomb for two of his own. Magnus tries a Twist of Fate of his own but Hardy grabs the real thing again, setting up the Swanton for the pin at 9:49.

Rating: C. That was indeed a wrestling match. I really don’t know what else I’m supposed to say here. You had a face vs. a heel and the face won with his finishing combination. Magnus isn’t bad but he really needs a character of some sort, which he seems to be getting with Bram. Hardy winning was obvious here and it capped off a thoroughly dull show.

Overall Rating: D-. These shows are really just boring house shows with HORRIBLE commentary. That doesn’t make me want to stick around as these things are becoming more of a chore to sit through every month. When they can’t even keep the concept going (“LET’S START A RIVALRY RIGHT HERE!”) for three hours without using a TV match that has aired on almost every special they air, it’s time for them to retool these things or stop advertising them before they become even more of an embarrassment.

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TNA One Night Only – Turning Point: Point Me To A Better Show

Turning Point
Date: January 9, 2015
Location: John Paul Jones Arena, Charlottesville, Virginia
Attendance: 430
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz

Believe it or not they’re actually changing things up here with a series of matches instead of some tournament or series of qualifying matches for a gauntlet at the end of the show. There doesn’t seem to be an overarching theme for the show but they’ve come up with some random ideas before. Let’s get to it.

We open with shots of the people appearing on tonight’s show without a voiceover. I can’t imagine all these people will be on the card.

We immediately go to a clip of X-Division Champion Rob Van Dam defending against Kenny King from Impact on February 23, 2013 with Van Dam missing a 450 splash and King hitting the Royal Flush for the pin and the title. This explains the theme: we’re going to see clips of the turning points of everyone’s career.

Samoa Joe’s career turning point is beating Kurt Angle for the World Title at Lockdown 2008. These clips are two to three minutes each and seem to be used to fill in time.

Kenny King vs. Samoa Joe

The arena looks incredibly small, even though the record attendance is over 15,000 people. As a result, the lights are turned way down and only the first few rows can be seen. Joe grabs a wristlock to start but King bails to the ropes and then the floor. Back in and King quickly takes Joe down with some nice spins and flips before heading outside to brag about it. Even Joe gives him a nod to say “well done”. Joe sends him into the corner for the enziguri and running knee drop for two.

Tenay and Taz are already on their tangents as King hits a great looking springboard Blockbuster for two. We hit the chinlock as Tenay is actually trying to get the commentary back to something pertinent but Taz uses the opportunity to brag about himself. A spinwheel kick gets two more for Kenny and we hit the son of the chinlock. Joe fights up and catches King in an atomic drop. The backsplash and snap powerslam get two each. A nice Pele puts Joe down but King charges into the release Rock Bottom out of the corner, setting up the Muscle Buster for the pin at 7:50.

Rating: C-. I have a very bad feeling about this show as they were only going through the motions out there. There are two versions of Samoa Joe: the guy that took TNA by storm about ten years ago and the version where he has no interest in being out there. There’s almost no in between the two either, so you’re either getting the good or the bad. This was more of the latter as Joe was just doing his greatest hits instead of really trying. King was his usual self as well, meaning the match was passable but nothing I’d ever want to see again. In other words, this is going to be your run of the mill One Night Only shows.

Music video on the Beautiful People, Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. I guess this is the substitute for their turning points, though it seems to be more of a standard hype video.

Gail Kim vs. Angelina Love vs. Madison Rayne

The fans are behind Gail here but Angelina insists she get to do her dance before things get started. That earns her a forearm to the jaw as the announcers make fun of Earl Hebner’s age. Love gets knocked to the floor and Rayne rolls Kim up for two. Kim escapes the scissor stomp (Rayne’s move where she slams someone’s face into the mat) and knocks Angelina to the floor.

Back up and Kim hits the running cross body to the ribs in the corner but Angelina pulls her down to the floor. It settles down to Madison vs. Angelina as the match gets back to your standard Impact Knockouts match. Love pulls on Madison’s hair while putting a boot in her back, only to get rolled up by Gail for two. A hot shot onto the buckle puts Kim down again as this match is in the “two in one out” formula. Love puts her in the Tree of Woe to give us a Kevin Sullivan reference.

Madison finally remembers that she’s in the match by tripping Kim but gets in a fight with Love over who gets the pin. Now the announcers talk about the Jumping Bomb Angels to keep up the joke that Hebner is old. Kim puts Madison in a headscissors but Love puts Kim in a full nelson but with her legs. Taz: “It’s like one giant, hot worm.” Tenay drops the required Scotty 2 Hotty joke. The hold is broken up and Kim dropkicks both girls down at the same time for two each. Angelina’s Botox Injection takes Madison down but Eat Defeat gives Kim the pin at 8:56.

Rating: C. Oh yeah this is a One Night Only show. This was another watchable yet uninspired match with the standard triple threat formula in full swing. These three plus Velvet have been around the division for so long that it’s hard to care about seeing them again. We’ve seen each combination so many times that just throwing most of them together doesn’t do much for me. The match was fine but again, nothing I’ll think about ten minutes from now.

Austin Aries says he’s had a lot of turning points in his career, starting with a phone call asking him to come down for a tryout. Then he became the longest reigning X-Division Champion and cashed it in with Option C. Sanada’s turning point was when he turned his back on Great Muta. Sanada’s turning point tonight will be his last.

Video recapping Muta mentoring Sanada until James Storm got in Sandad’s head and turned him to the dark side.

Austin Aries vs. Great Sanada

This is the third time these two have fought on One Night Only shows. Storm is at ringside with Sanada. Tenay and Taz build this up as a huge rivalry and for once they’re actually on point. Sanada hammers him down in the corner to start but Aries is perfectly capable of brawling with him. Aries runs Sanada over with a shoulder but Storm trips him up to stop the momentum. That’s enough for an early ejection and we’re getting a one on one match.

It’s still Aries in control with the slingshot hilo and an elbow drop for two. A middle rope dropkick to the back of Sanada’s head gets two more and one to the face sends Sanada to the floor. He’s shaken up but not bad enough to avoid a plancha to send Aries crashing to the concrete. The announcers actually get into an interesting discussion of the difference between American and Japanese training. Discussions like that make their usual commentary so much more frustrating because it’s clear they can be interesting but just don’t do it. Sanada chokes away back in the ring and throws Aries back to the floor to keep control.

Aries comes up holding his arm so Sanada sends him into the steps a few times. Back in again and a springboard chop to the head gets a few two counts for Sanada as he’s starting to get frustrated like any heel would in his situation. Sanada gets caught choking with wrist tape so he throws Aries outside again.

A Saito suplex gets two on Austin and it’s off to the chinlock. You know, I wonder why so many people use chinlocks over the years. Wouldn’t you think they would pick up on the idea that they ALWAYS lead to a comeback? I mean, it’s one of the few universal truths in wrestling but they always do it and seem surprised when it doesn’t work. Almost on schedule, Aries pops up but Sanada puts him back down with a slam.

The moonsault is broken up as Aries takes the legs out to send him face first into the buckle. Now it’s Aries sending Sanada to the floor but he bites Aries’ finger to slow him down. That’s quite the intelligent counter. Sanada comes back in with a springboard but Aries mistimes the dropkick to knock him out of the air, meaning Sanada has to bail out for no reason and the whole thing looked bad.

Aries neckbreakers him over the middle rope and dropkicks him into the corner. Sanada escapes the brainbuster but gets taken down by a nice plancha. Back in and Aries goes up, only to have Storm come down and shove Aries off the top. As usual the announcers ruin the moment by making it sound like the least interesting thing they’ve seen in months. Sanada superkicks Aries for the pin at 15:35.

Rating: B. Hit and miss commentary aside, this was one of the best matches this series has ever had. These guys know how to work together so well and they were showing off out here. I was hoping for a clean finish but this version plays into the Revolution idea, which is the more logical ending. Really good match, as I’ve grown to expect from these two.

We look at Ethan Carter III beating Sting at Genesis 2014, with a major assist from referees Spud and Magnus.

Ethan brags about beating all the legends, such as Norv Fernum, Shark Boy and Dewey Barnes. Oh and Bully Ray, Sting and Kurt Angle. He’s been part of a loss, but it was Spud getting pinned in a tag match. Ethan blames Spud for his aunt going through a table, but tonight is Spud’s chance at redemption.

Rockstar Spud/Ethan Carter III vs. Gunner/Mr. Anderson

The curse of taped in advance strikes again. Anderson shrieks his intro this time to scare the announcers, triggering a Motley Crue discussion. Carter and Anderson get things going but Spud tags himself in before any contact. With Anderson closing in, Spud tags out to Carter. Spud: “I got in his head sir!”

We finally settle down to Anderson and Carter trading wristlocks until Anderson armdrags him down into an armbar. Gunner tags himself in but gets pulled down by the hair. It’s off to a terrified Spud but he tags right back out to Carter. As the announcers talk about reforming the Rockers because they think their job is to riff on wrestling matches, Gunner misses a charge at Carter in the corner, allowing for the tag to Spud for a bunch of lame forearms to the back.

Gunner no sells being rammed into the buckle so Spud tries it himself, knocking himself silly in the process. Spud chops his partner by mistake, but that counts as a tag. The boss isn’t happy and chops Spud down, only to get caught in a double hiptoss. Everything breaks down for a minute with both villains ramming Anderson into the apron.

Back in and Carter puts on a chinlock for a few moments before Anderson kicks away and tags Gunner. He throws Spud at Carter but it turns into a big hug. What else were you expecting? Everything breaks down again with Spud accidentally knocking Carter to the floor, setting up a Mic Check and flying headbutt for the pin at 11:26.

Rating: D. The Spud comedy match is getting played out and it’s gone downhill ever since the first match with Ray. Spud and Carter work well together, but it’s kind of hard to laugh at them after seeing them feuding so heavily over the last few months. The wrestling was an afterthought to the comedy, but it was really just dull outside of a few funny lines from Spud.

Video on Eric Young overcoming people saying he was just a comedy guy and becoming World Champion. He tells a very good story about how surreal it was when the title was presented to him and the adrenaline that flowed through him when reality set in.

As soon as the three count went down, Magnus was immediately thinking about how he could get the title back. He has to get back on the horse.

Magnus vs. Eric Young

Young is back to being goofy and checks the referee for weapons. There’s no opening bell for this match. After a forty second long crisscross, Young holds onto the ropes and Magnus keeps running. Oh yeah we’re in a comedy match. Young takes him down into a headlock and is so pleased with it that he does it two more times in a row. Magnus tries a waistlock but gets sent to the floor in frustration. He counters Eric’s baseball slide by catching him under the ring skirt and hammers away to take over.

Back in and a knee to Eric’s ribs sets up the chinlock. An elbow to the back has Young in trouble but he’s able to strut down the apron. Magnus, apparently not a Flair fan, puts on the sleeper before switching it up to a chinlock. A belly to back suplex finally gets Young out of the hold and a belly to belly gets two on Magnus. They trade rollups for two each before Magnus puts him on top, only to have his superplex broken up. Young drops the top rope elbow for two but Eric’s piledriver is good for the pin at 11:31.

Rating: D-. We went from lame comedy to a long series of chinlocks before getting to the finish where a guy that gets on my nerves wins. This was the weakest match they’ve had all night but it was more due to how it felt like they weren’t trying. Unfortunately that’s the case with most of the matches on these shows and it gets tiring in a hurry.

We look at the history between Bram and Abyss, focusing on all of their violent matches, primarily Monster’s Ball.

Abyss vs. Bram

Bram grabs the mic and says Abyss is lucky this is a normal match. Abyss says he’s the 6’8 350lb weapon of mass destruction and wants to make this Monster’s Ball, which is reluctantly accepted. The bell rings and we’re already bringing in the weapons. They slug it out on the floor with Bram slowly sending him into the post. Abyss reverses a whip to send Bram much harder into the steps. More weapons are brought in as this is strictly following Monster’s Ball procedure.

Abyss knocks a chair out of Bram’s hands and nails him in the ribs with a kendo stick. Bram cracks him over the head with a trashcan and it’s table time. I’m so glad all these weapons were under the ring just in case a Monster’s Ball match was signed on the fly. The table is set up in the corner but Abyss would rather hit Bram with a chair than send him through the wood. Bram blocks a running Earthquake splash by raising a chair and both guys are down.

The monster gets busted open by a few chain shots but he low blows Bram to knock the pry bar out of his hand. Of course, this warrants a discussion of basketball. Janice is brought in but Bram hits the worst looking spear into a table I’ve ever seen. The table gives a bit but doesn’t break and Abyss is up at two. Back up and Abyss sends him head first into a chair in the corner but a chokeslam sends Bram out to the floor. Back in and Abyss loads up a Janice shot but gets rolled up with Bram grabbing the ropes for the pin at 10:57.

Rating: D+. This was every Monster’s Ball match you’ve seen in the last few years but toned down a bit. Much like the Knockouts match earlier, I’ve seen these two fight time after time in hardcore match after hardcore match and I really don’t need to see it again. Nothing to see here and it’s another match of the same length keeping the show at the same dull pace.

We recap Roode vs. Storm, which you should know by now. They were friends, the World Title split them up, they’ve feuded over and over and over again since.

Storm says he doesn’t care what the fans think while Roode dies on every word they say. I don’t think they’ve ever had Storm as the heel in this feud.

Bobby Roode vs. James Storm

Before the match, Storm has a mic in his hand. Tenay: “Something tells me we’re going to hear from James Storm.” James doesn’t want to fight because Roode can see the light and be part of the Revolution. Storm won’t die for a brotherhood, but he’ll live for a revolution. This doesn’t sit well with Roode, who says Storm isn’t the same man that he knew back in the Beer Money days. The answer is no so Storm decks him with the microphone and we’re off to a fast start. Also, the referee is fine with Storm hitting Roode with a foreign object before the bell.

Roode fights back and clotheslines Storm to the floor before hitting another on the outside. There’s a drink to Storm’s head and a knee drop gets two back inside. Storm tries to play some mind games and the distraction lets him send Roode right back to the floor. That goes nowhere so we hit the chinlock as the match slows down again. A low DDT gets two more for Storm but Roode sends him into the buckle to get a breather.

The Blockbuster only gets two and Roode escapes the Eye of the Storm for good measure. Storm kicks out of a spinebuster and dives off the middle rope for a Codebreaker. Instead of covering off a good looking move, he misses the Last Call and has to get out of the Roode Bomb. Now the Eye of the Storm connects for two but the referee takes the bottle away. Storm misses another Last Call and the Roode Bomb is good for the pin at 11:45.

Rating: C. I know this is one of the biggest feuds in the history of TNA but COME UP WITH SOMETHING NEW! How many times do I have to sit through the same missed finishers and a beer bottle playing into the finish? It was one match over three years ago and they’ve used that exact same idea time after time now with the same two guys and almost always the same ending. Either stop having them fight or come up with a new formula. And can Storm win one for a change? Other than Bound For Glory, I don’t ever remember him beating Roode. They’ve fought four times at One Night Only alone and Roode is 4-0.

Jeff Hardy’s turning point was beating Austin Aries at Bound For Glory 2012.

MVP praises Jeff Hardy (because everyone in TNA respects everyone else. You almost never hear a promo without someone praising their opponent. Give us some more hatred.) but says he owns both Hardys. Jeff has had his ups and downs, his turning points if you will, but tonight Jeff is taking a turn for the worse.

We get a clip of MVP turning heel by attacking MVP and becoming yet another corrupt authority figure.

MVP vs. Jeff Hardy

JB does big match intros and calls this the Turning Point main event of the evening twice. MVP bails to the floor just after the bell to put JB in charge of the jewelry. After a minute on the floor (and somehow not even a one count from the referee), MVP heads back to the apron for more stalling. Jeff starts clapping and they lock up nearly two minutes in. A headlock has MVP in trouble but he shoulders Jeff down with ease.

The threat of a Twist of Fate sends MVP bailing again. He back in and goes back out again to make the fans hate him even more. Hardy won’t let MVP leave and takes him out with a big dive to try to wake the fans up. Back in and Jeff gets crotched going for the Whisper in the Wind, sending him out to the floor for a change. MVP sends him into the barricade a few times and Hebner is more than willing to count Jeff. Racist.

Back in and a big boot gets two for MVP and he follows up with right hands. We hit the chinlock because what else would you expect them to do? The Ballin Elbow gets two, likely because it’s just an elbow drop. Jeff starts his comeback and gets two of his own off a basement dropkick. The Whisper in the Wind gets the same but MVP counters the Twist of Fate into the Playmaker for another near fall. He tries the same move but this time Jeff counters into the Twist, followed by the Swanton for the pin at 16:05.

Rating: C. The problem here is there’s no reason for these two to be fighting, and a match based around MVP stalling for five minutes isn’t really going to get the job done. It’s certainly not bad and the ending sequence was pretty good, but there’s nothing here worth going out of your way to see. I know I’ve said that several times but it’s the only thing that keeps sticking out to me.

Celebrating and a highlight package takes us out.

Overall Rating: D. That highlight package was very telling. By the time I was done with this show, I had already forgotten a lot of the earlier matches on the card. That really shouldn’t be happening on a show that doesn’t even make two hours and forty five minutes. The wrestling is mostly acceptable here and the show isn’t the worst, but there’s no reason to want to watch it. That’s the case with so many of these shows: they’re clearly just filling in contractual requirements and the lack of effort and story really drags these things down.

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TNA One Night Only – Victory Road: Is Impact On?

Victory Road
Date: December 5, 2014
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Taz, Mike Tenay

We’re still doing these things for some reason and yet again it’s a bunch of qualifying matches for a gauntlet later in the night. These things are almost interchangeable as they’re either a gauntlet match or a tournament of some sort and they’re really getting old. In this case the winner gets $50,000 and a future World Title shot, which I’m sure will be remembered later. Let’s get to it.

The opening video shows everyone in the competition tonight over a slow song. There isn’t much to say about this one.

There’s no thirty minute intro this time. All matches are qualifying matches for the gauntlet.

Kenny King vs. Austin Aries

Feeling out process to start with King going for the leg to escape a wristlock in a nice counter. Aries rolls out of a wristlock as well and grabs a headlock, only to have King send him off and nip up before rolling outside for some reason. Back in and they speed things up with a headscissors taking King down and setting up a basement dropkick. King sends him out to the floor for a crash before slapping on a chinlock back inside. In case you’re wondering the announcers’ first totally off topic discussions are about Taz kicking people in Texas and Tenay having wanted posters in casinos.

King puts on another chinlock and mocks the Austin Aries chants as things slow down. A knee to the ribs puts Aries down but King misses a slingshot knee. Aries rolls to the apron and runs Kenny from buckle to buckle about ten times in a row. This is accompanied by the announcers making fun of Southwest Airlines. King bails to the floor and takes a top rope ax handle to the head, setting up a running elbow for two back inside.

Aries’ missile dropkick gets the same but Kenny blocks the brainbuster attempt. Austin wins a slugout but walks into a spinning kick to the face for two. The Royal Flush is countered and Aries blasts him with the discus forearm, followed by the corner dropkick and the brainbuster to send Aries to the gauntlet.

Rating: C+. Nice match here, assuming you can ignore all of the horrible commentary. King is a guy that can have a good, athletic match more often than not, even though most of his stuff here was based around chinlocks. Aries was doing his usual stuff but the fans ate it up, which is the entire point.

The Wolves are ready for their singles matches tonight because sometimes they hunt in packs and sometimes they hunt on their own.

Davey Richards vs. Bram

Taz about Christy: “She was late. That’s a thing guys don’t like saying about women.” Bram shoves him up against the ropes to start and knocks him down with a clothesline. Davey comes right back with a low bridge to the floor, a baseball slide and a missile dropkick to put Bram down. Back in and some kicks to the chest have Bram in even more trouble as Tenay and Taz are talking about going to the mall and yogurt shop. A belly to back suplex puts Davey down again and we hit the chinlock.

Davey gets stomped to the floor as Bram is having a great time hurting him. Off to another chinlock before Davey grabs a sunset flip, only to pop up and hit a quick double stomp. Back up and Davey nails his handspring into a kick to the chest followed by a release suplex for two. The top rope double stomp misses but Davey gets two off a rollup. Davey is all fired up but Bram pulls the referee in front of a charge to stop a charge, allowing him to nail an implant DDT to pin Richards.

Rating: C. Another decent match here with both guys looking solid. Bram is a guy that has a good look and can back it up in the ring, which I’m sure is why he’s been stuck feuding with Tommy Dreamer and now Al Snow. I still can’t get behind Davey as a singles guy but the Wolves are good enough as a team.

Kazarian and James Storm are teaming up later to face the Menagerie. Storm yells about having to face a freak show, which he calls a one hit wonder. Kazarian says he was the first man in the gauntlet and the last man out at the first Victory Road. This is when Storm is just an evil cowboy, meaning he’s not quite as entertaining yet.

Menagerie vs. Kazarian/James Storm

It’s Freak/Knux here with Knux starting off against Kaz, who slaps Knux in the face to start. We get a chase scene on the floor before Knux kicks his head off back inside. Knux has to fight out of the heel corner but Storm kicks him in the back of the head to take over. James comes in legally and hammers away as the fans freak out over something. Back to Kaz to rip at Knux’s face in the corner. Tenay and Taz are of course talking about Rebel.

Knux scores with a powerslam and the hot tag brings in the Freak. Storm is thrown around with ease as Tenay thinks Knux’s mask is a black and white cookie. A Jackhammer plants Kaz down and we get an old school double noggin knocker. The heels try the Wrestlemania V ending with Kaz playing Heenan but Freak just muscles Storm off. Not that it matters as Kaz breaks the beer bottle over Freak’s head and the Last Call sends them both to the gauntlet.

Rating: D+. Standard tag match here but I like that they’re mixing things up instead of just doing the same singles matches throughout the night. Storm and Kaz going on to the main event is the right idea, even though Kaz was almost gone at this point. It’s also a problem when Storm is a totally different character now but here he’s doing the old cowboy stuff.

Video on Lashley, who is listed as the champion here.

Bobby Lashley vs. Samoa Joe

Lashley doesn’t have belt as he comes out, which makes far more sense for this show. Joe gets shoved into the corner to start before Lashley gets behind him and throws the big guy down. A shoulder doesn’t send either guy down and Lashley tells him to bring it. Taz is actually offering some analysis here, meaning he’s likely running a high fever. Lashley gets pounded down in the corner and takes the Facewash, only to take Joe’s head off with a clothesline.

A series of crossface shots gets two on Joe and a suplex gets the same. Off to a nerve hold and Taz actually explains why it should work. Joe fights up and hits a big boot followed by the backsplash for two. A middle rope dropkick gets the same and Lashley is in trouble. There’s the Clutch but Kenny King comes out for a distraction, allowing Lashley to get out of the hold and spear Joe down for the pin.

Rating: C. When Joe is motivated, he’s as fun of a guy as you’ll find in TNA. When he’s just going through the motions though, it can make for a long match. It was more towards the latter here as there was no fire in Joe, but to be fair, can you really blame him? He hasn’t done anything outside of midcard stuff in like six years but we’re supposed to buy him as meaning something here? I still don’t get why he doesn’t get a bigger push.

Mr. Anderson vs. Abyss

Anderson jumps him on the floor to start and sends him into the barricade. He drives Abyss into the apron and fires off right hands before slamming Abyss face first into the barricade again. Now the bell rings as they get inside and Anderson hammers away in the corner. A big back elbow drops Anderson and Abyss drives fists into Anderson’s head.

The announcers debate which meal they saw Abyss at as he cranks on Anderson’s neck. Anderson avoids an Earthquake splash but his regular splash hits knees. Back to the neck crank for a bit before Mr. fights up with a spinwheel kick, only to have the Mic Check blocked. A quick chokeslam is enough for Abyss to advance.

Rating: D. I really was expecting more from a pair of former World Champions. This started quick and ended out of nowhere with Abyss just hitting his secondary finisher for the pin. Anderson is very much like Joe, in that he just hasn’t had anything important to do for a long time.

The BroMans are excited about winning the money because DJZ needs a mail order bride, Jesse wants a home gym and Robbie might buy a bunch of hampsters.

Here are the BroMans for their match and one of their opponents is…..Spud. The Brans mock Spud for trying to compete until his partner comes out to back him up.

BroMans vs. Bully Ray/Rockstar Spud

If this is half as great as the previous match with Ray and Spud, it’s going to be a classic. Before the match, Ray has something to say to the BroMans. He makes Spud stand in the corner and says he doesn’t like him, but he likes the BroMans even less. Therefore, he and Spud can team together for one night only. Ray says the fans have to convince the referee, which takes all of two seconds, and we’re ready to go.

Spud of course starts on the apron as Jesse poses at Ray. The fans want Spud and Ray is nice enough to give them what they ask for. We get more posing from Jesse, sending Spud right over to tag Ray, who facepalms as a result. Taz thinks Ray and Spud will split the winnings 40/10 tonight. Everything breaks down and the good guys do a double Flip Flop and Fly with Spud losing his mind, thrusting both the air and the mat and Ray just looks on in awe. Ray finally drags him over to the corner by the ear but gets beaten down by both BroMans.

A double clothesline puts the BroMans down as Ray really doesn’t seem that worried. Some Bionic Elbows drop the BroMans and Spud plays D-Von in What’s Up on Robbie. Spud is all dizzy as Ray slaps his chest for the tables, only to knock Spud down to the mat by mistake. It’s table time and Spud comes back with a pink kid’s table and Ray is stunned.

Spud tries to climb on it and crushes the thing, allowing the BroMans to get in some cheap shots. DJZ throws in a real table but Ray suplexes both BroMans down. Ray pulls DJZ in and pulls up his underwear, only to have Spud turn on Ray by nailing him with the chain. The BroDown sends the BroMans to the gauntlet.

Rating: C. This was fun at times but they just killed the crowd with the ending. Spud and Ray are one of the best comedy teams in the company but instead of going with the fun ending, they go with the storyline ending that no one wants to see. Granted no one was watching this show in the first place so it doesn’t matter as much.

Spud yells at Ray post match and of course gets powerbombed through the table.

Gunner thinks tonight is a great opportunity and can’t wait to get another chance at Magnus, who he almost took the title from earlier in the year.

Magnus vs. Gunner

The Brit grabs the arm to start as the fans just go silent. A front facelock into a headlock puts Gunner down before a back elbow to the jaw sends Magnus to the floor. Things slow down a bit with Gunner chasing after Magnus and getting shvoed off the apron and into the barricade. Back in and an elbow to Gunner’s shoulder drops him again and we hit a camel clutch.

That goes nowhere so Magnus rams him into the barricade for the standard non-effect. A slingshot suplex plants Magnus and a running knee to the chest gets two. Both guys try cross bodies and go down as Tenay can’t figure out what HSM means (Human Suplex Machine). Gunner gets crotched on the top and superplexed down for two. Magnus walks into a slam but raises a boot to stop the flying headbutt. Back up and Magnus tries a sunset flip but Gunner drops down ala Davey Boy Smith for the pin.

Rating: C. The match wasn’t bad but again, as I’ve said a few dozen times in this series, there’s no reason for me to care about these guys. One guy gets into the gauntlet and another doesn’t and they had a watchable match to get there. Nothing much to see here but it was an acceptable match.

Ethan Carter III and JB say “sup” a lot and Carter isn’t worried about Sanada. More sups are dropped.

EC3 video.

Ethan Carter III vs. Sanada

This could be interesting and Sanada isn’t evil yet. Before the match, Carter says he’s fluent in Japanese. Sanada says something in Japanese and Carter “translates” and I’m sure you know where this is going. Sanada finally calls him a stupid idiot and starts an idiot chant to get the match going. Some chops put Carter down and Sanada rains down right hands in the corner, only to get caught in snake eyes for two. Taz complains about eating bad Mexican food as Carter chops the skin off Sanada’s chest.

Sanada comes back with chops of his own and stomps Ethan down in the corner. The crowd dies as Ethan sends Sanada face first into the middle buckle to take over again. We hit the chinlock for a bit before Carter just slams him face first into the mat. Back up and Sanada grabs a hurricanrana followed by three straight springboard chops to the head for two. A missile dropkick sets up the moonsault but Sanada jams his knee, allowing Ethan to nail the 1%er for the pin.

Rating: C-. Anytime I get to hear Ethan’s song twice in a row, it’s a good day. Carter continues to be one of the major bright spots in the company and Sanada is no slouch either. Unfortunately this match had to take place at this show instead of somewhere that, you know, matters.

Bram is ready for the gauntlet because he’s here to hurt people.

Samuel Shaw vs. Crazzy Steve

OH COME ON NOW. They really need to have THIS match on the card to fill in time? There was nothing else that could have taken these few minutes instead of making us sit through this? Eh at least I get to look at Rebel twice in a night. Shaw misses a charge to start so Steve gets right down in front of him to mimic Shaw’s pose. Knux offers a distraction to send Shaw flying over the top as the crowd is dead again.

They fight over balloons but Shaw stops to look at Rebel. That earns him a bite to the leg until Samuel throws him off to the side with ease. A clothesline puts Steve down and about 18 fans think Shaw is creepy. Shaw chokes on the ropes and screams in a high pitch until Shaw floats over and hits some headbutts to the chest. Steve stops his comeback to get the balloons and dives into the side choke for the submission.

Rating: D-. They just fought over balloons. Get to the next match please.

The BroMans are are excited about the match and Robbie has already spent what sounds like millions. Jesse, somehow the smart one of the team, has to explain reality to him.

Tigre Uno vs. Eddie Edwards vs. DJZ

Feeling out process to start as everyone locks up with everyone. DJZ wants to stop for a second and we get a three way lockup. Now we get a three way headlock until Tigre dropkicks DJZ to the floor, only to have him pull Edwards out with him. Back in and Tigre bounces into a hurricanrana to take DJZ down but the spiky haired one comes back with a headscissors.

A spinwheel kick drops DJZ again and a Mysterio sitout bulldog has him in trouble. Edwards comes back in with a double missile dropkick before chopping Tigre in the corner. DJZ is sent outside again as Edwards puts Tigre into a fireman’s carry and throws him into an X Factor of all things. Everyone is back up now with DJZ sunset flipping Tigre who Germans Eddie at the same time. DJZ hits a pair of running knees to Tigre’s back but Uno punches his way to freedom.

Edwards gets dropped into a neckbreaker from DJZ for another near fall but Eddie sends both guys to the floor for a moonsault off the apron. Tigre pops up for a springboard corkscrew plancha to take over again. Back in and Tigre gets crotched on the top and superplexed down, allowing DJZ to get two counts on both guys.

Tigre does the overly complicated spin around Eddie into a headscissors but Edwards counters his springboard hurricanrana into a half crab. DJZ breaks that up too and sends Eddie into the post, only to get kicked in the head. Eddie misses a top rope double stomps and gets DDT’ed for two before Tigre botches a springboard hurricanrana for two on DJZ. Uno gets shoved off the top and Eddie grabs the half crab on DJZ for the tap out.

Rating: C+. Match of the night so far, mainly due to it just being different. It’s still nothing we haven’t seen a dozen times or so before, but at least the right guy won and it was entertaining enough. Edwards comes off as the far better singles wrestler of the Wolves, but that could just be due to Richards coming off like a jerk most of the time.

A music video recaps the night so far.

Gauntlet Match

Winner gets a World Title shot and $50,000. It’s the Royal Rumble style with twelve entrants, two minute intervals and the final two having a singles match for the title. Edwards is in at #1 and Aries in at #2 with Eddie nursing a sore shoulder. Speaking of shoulders, a block from one is enough to put Eddie down and Aries goes for an early elimination. That goes about as well as you would expect this early on so Edwards starts busting out some chops. Neither guy can eliminate the other until it’s Kazarian in at #3.

All three fight each other and this is already going nowhere. Aries kicks Kaz in the head but Edwards tries to dump Austin instead of Kazarian. Edwards and Kazarian are on the mat and Robbie E. is in at #4. He walks around doing the money sign and they just pummel him with forearms and chops. They pair off again though with Robbie actually knocking Aries down for a breather.

Samuel Shaw is in at #5 and of course takes his sweet time to get to the ring. Robbie hides from him in the corner so Shaw reaches through the ropes to get to him. Kazarian puts Eddie in a sleeper but Aries puts a sleeper on Kazarian at the same time. Robbie does it to Aries and Shaw does it to Robbie for a five way sleeper. Tenay thinks this is original because just adding two more people to the same spot that’s been done in multi-man matches for twenty years is innovative.

Lashley comes in at #6 to clear out some bodies but everyone goes after him in a smart move. Aries’ brainbuster is easily blocked though and Lashley puts him out. Edwards quickly follows him with a big beal sending him to the floor and Kaz is the third elimination, all by Lashley. A spear is enough to dump Shaw, leaving Lashley vs. Robbie. The killing is postponed though as Abyss is in at #7.

The big guys slug it out and Lashley manages to suplex the masked one. A chokeslam stops Lashley cold but he comes back with a spear. Ethan Carter III is in at #8 as Lashley and Abyss get in a brawl near the ropes and are eliminated by Carter and E. in a big surprise. Robbie and Carter are apparently cool until Carter nails him in the face. They brawl on the mat for a bit as the fans have now died for an unprecedented 485^th time tonight. Carter can’t throw him out and Gunner is in at #9.

Gunner goes right after Carter as Robbie hides in the corner again. Robbie gets up and saves Carter which he makes sure to point out to Ethan. Gunner can’t put either guy out but he can chop Carter’s chest into some pretty colors. We get the stupid “comedy” spot of Robbie landing between Carter’s legs. Carter is reeling until Jesse is in at #10. The BroMans double team Gunner as the announcers talk about the 80s. Ethan starts directing traffic until Gunner fights all of them off at once. James Storm is in at #11 but is fine with watching from the stage for awhile.

He finally comes down and says he wants Gunner for himself before choking him with the tag rope. Nothing happens for awhile as Bram is in at #12, giving us a final grouping of Jesse, Robbie, Carter, Storm, Gunner and Bram. Carter says he has an idea as the match just stops again. That goes nowhere as the BroMans dump Carter in just a few seconds. Jesse rams Gunner into the buckle so he can do that same I’M INTENSE spot again.

The BroMans accidentally collide and Gunner dumps Robbie with ease. Unfortunately he doesn’t freak out over not winning the money to pay his bills. Storm Last Calls Jesse to the floor and we’re down to three. A headbutt eliminates Bram and of course we’re down to the only rivalry in the match for the final two.

It’s a one on one match now so they stop for the big serious staredown. They slug it out with Storm clotheslining him down and dropping a leg for two. James goes outside for a beer but the bottle was used earlier. Instead he wedges a chair into the corner but of course goes face first into it, setting up the F5 to give Gunner the pin.

Rating: D. To the shock of no one and in keeping with the theme of the night, this was long and dull. The singles part lasted all of two minutes and ended with the same thing that almost every match in their feud ended with: Gunner winning without any real doubt. Unfortunately his push has died since this match was taped due to a six month feud with Samuel Shaw that has dragged Gunner through the floor.

Gunner promises to win the title before a long recap video ends the show.

Overall Rating: D. It’s not even that the shows are bad or anything as they usually have some watchable wrestling. I’d just like to see SOMETHING besides a tournament or gauntlet match to give me something fresh. I mean…can’t we just have a card of matches with a main event where some guys get to have some twenty minute matches that tear the house down? As usual these shows come and go and nothing sticks with me after about ten minutes. In other words, they’re very forgettable and that’s not the kind of show I’d drop money on.

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TNA One Night Only – Knockouts Knockdown II: When You Don’t Have Time For Effort

Knockouts Knockdown II
Date: November 7, 2014
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 1,400
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz

Somehow this might be one of the last PPVs TNA ever puts on as they only have two more of these taped and have no regular PPV (or TV) dates announced at the moment. The title of this show should tell you everything you need to know. Just like last time, it’s a bunch of qualifying matches and then a gauntlet match for a crown. Let’s get to it.

We open with a package from the biggest names in the competition talking about how they’re the best. A regular music video shows us some highlights from the last few years of Knockouts matches.

Christy Hemme and JB are in the ring to show off the winner’s crown, only to be interrupted by Rockstar Spud. He has a guest host for the night, meaning JB and Christy aren’t needed this evening. The guest hosts is, of course, Ethan Carter III because this was taped way before Spud turned face. Spud is his lovely assistant and is allowed to bring out all of the girls, who don’t get individual entrances. Thankfully they have them line up in the ring for introductions.

We start with Deonna, who is from New Jersey (Spud: “I don’t know what that is.”) and shy. Carter: “Do you want Spud to tickle you?” Next up is Karlee Perez, more famous as Maxine from NXT. Ethan hits on her and Perez says the only position she wants is on top. Havok is third and the fans know her name before she says anything.

Spud knows her name too but he doesn’t think he could take her home to his mother. Next is Mia Yim, a regular on the indy circuit who the fans also seem to know. Ethan: “Mia what’s your sign?” Mia: “The stop sign.” We also have the redhead Veda Scott, who I believe is a regular in ROH. She’s a cat person so Ethan tries to start a cats chant. Matt Hardy’s wife Reby Sky thinks Spud is the only queen in TNA. Spud: “Sir I told you I don’t like girls.” Ethan: “…..moving on!”

Scarlett (Bordeaux) has a drink in her hand and rubs Spud’s face for some reason. Everybody gets a shot if she wins (Ethan: “SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!”) but Spud shoots the idea down. We wrap it up with Marti Belle, a chick with big hair who hits on Spud. The Rockstar can barely talk so Spud suggests asking her out. We get a closeup of Spud’s face as he looks into the camera and pops his eyebrows in a hilarious shot.

Spud still doesn’t know what to say but Ethan tells him to get to this so they can get married and have little Spud babies. He finally hits on her but can barely get the words out. Spud finally asks her to be his girlfriend and Marti actually says yes. Ethan suggests we get on with the show and we actually run down the card. By that I mean bring out every main roster Knockout to eat up even more time. Here’s the card, complete with an entrance for every Knockout.

Deonna vs. Brooke

Karlee Perez vs. Taryn Terrell

Havok vs. Madison Rayne

Mia Yim vs. Brittany

Veda Scott vs. Gail Kim

Reby Sky vs. Velvet Sky

Scarlett vs. Angelina Love

Marti Belle vs. ODB

Since we haven’t wasted enough time, here’s the end of last year’s gauntlet match to kill more time. Gail Kim eliminated Mickie James to win in case that memorable moment escapes you.

Wait we’re still not ready to go. Let’s get a package on Kim in there first. I’m assuming all of the regular Knockouts will get one of these so I won’t mention them unless they don’t happen or unless something important happens.

Veda Scott vs. Gail Kim

Taz: “It’s time!” Tenay: “It’s time?” Taz: “IT’S VEDA TIME!” I have a feeling the comedy isn’t topping that all night. Wait, let’s wait for Gail to high five all the fans and kiss her husband. We finally get the opening bell nearly half an hour into the show. Scott is kind of like Bayley from NXT as the biggest fan ever, only to sucker Gail in for a shot to the face. Gail throws her into the corner and gets two off a spinning cross body.

We get a breather as Veda is out on the floor, only to have her snap the back of Gail’s neck across the top rope for two. A middle rope clothesline gets two on Gail as the announcers discuss Veda’s sex appeal. Veda cranks on an armbar for a few seconds before Hebner breaks it up for a hair pull. Now the announcers babble about baseball as Veda pulls on Gail’s hair from a camel clutch position.

Back to a kind of reverse cross armbreaker from Veda until Gail rolls out and grabs a half crab. Scott rolls out and slaps Gail a few times but jumps into a kick to the ribs. Gail bounces back up and nails a quick missile dropkick for two before Eat Defeat sends Gail to the gauntlet at 7:35.

Rating: D+. I have a bad feeling this is what we’re going to see a lot of tonight: the rookies putting up a valiant fight and coming up short more often than not. Veda has a good look and can pull off the sexy intellectual well enough but she seems far more like a character than a wrestler. The match wasn’t bad but it felt like it was just waiting to end.

Scarlett puts her drink down to say she’s more than just a party girl, and if you cross her she’ll rip your throat off and do a body shot off you when she’s done.

The Beautiful People think the newcomers are all ugly. Velvet can’t handle thinking about it and they laugh off their opponents for tonight.

Scarlett vs. Angelina Love

Before the match, the Beautiful People think Scarlett is happy to be here because she’s dressed like one of them. Angelina thinks she could be a good third member and show her how to shake it, only to have Love jump her to get things going. Love keeps the mic and talks trash while stomping on Scarlett but thankfully stops soon. A side slam gets two on Scarlett and we hit the chinlock. Love slowly walks around before throwing Scarlett outside for a stomping from Sky. Back in and Scarlett fight back before “hitting” a Codebreaker. She goes after Velvet though and eats the Botox Injection for the pin at 4:50.

Rating: D. Well at least they had a squash here instead of just doing the same thing they did in the first match. Scarlett again comes off like more of a character than a worker, though in her case she’s only 23 and still needs experience. Nothing special here though and you knew at least one of the Beautiful People was going though.

Reby Sky, who looks a good bit like Trish Stratus, says she’s here to beat the girl to become the girl. Ethan Carter comes up to hit on her again and gets blown off.

Reby Sky vs. Velvet Sky

The bell rings but we have to stop for Velvet to check her hair. She quickly takes Reby down and rubs her face into the mat until Reby comes back with some forearms. She avoid a charging Velvet and there’s the required spank. A baseball slide sends Velvet into Angelina but Love trips Reby up to take over.

Velvet screams in her face a lot and stomps away in the corner for two. Velvet misses a charge in the corner but shoves Reby down into the splits. Back up and a double clothesline puts both girls down. Reby gets up first and nails a few kicks to the face but Love gets on the apron to distract the referee. Hairspray goes into Velvet’s eyes by mistake though, allowing Reby to grab a rollup for the pin.

Rating: C-. Better here as Reby is a more experienced girl and they had a different story. It helps that Reby didn’t have a goofy character to drag her down either. Not much to see here and they managed to protect Velvet at the same time by having some shenanigans cause the loss.

Havok is here to dominate. She’s actually talking here and has a full head of hair.

Jessica Havok vs. Madison Rayne

Madison mocks Havok (without the eye paint) to start and is launched across the ring like a feather. Some forearms get Madison nowhere as Havok drops her with a shot to the ribs. Havok rolls outside but easily catches Madison’s dive. Madison is sent into the steps and gets beaten up even more back inside. A bearhug has Madison in even more trouble but Havok makes it even worse by lifting her into the air for a full nelson.

Havok sends her down in the corner again but misses a charge. Madison comes back with some kicks to the ribs and the side of the head to knock her outside. Now the dive off the top takes Havok down but Madison runs into a boot back inside. Madison goes to the middle rope and hits a quick spear for the win at 8:33.

Rating: C. I liked this better than the rest of them as Madison actually had to fight to win instead of getting a surprise win or something out of nowhere. Havok looked like a monster here and it’s easy to see why she got a job out of this performance. She’s actually different than most of the other Knockouts ever and that’s the best thing the division could have.

Taryn Terrell says the Last Knockout Standing and ladder matches were nothing compared to what she’ll do tonight.

Taryn’s video is much more a Terrell vs. Kim video than just about her.

Taryn Terrell vs. Karlee Perez

Before the match Karlee says everything about Taryn is fake and gets slapped in the face to start things off. Karlee drives knees into her back and puts on a chinlock. Off to a full nelson for a bit before Taryn comes back with a sunset flip for two. Karlee kicks her in the head for the same but Taryn grabs the hair for some flips to take over. Perez grabs a crucifix, only to be driven into the corner, setting up an RKO to give Terrell the pin at 4:32.

Rating: D+. Things fell back down here as Terrell just isn’t capable of carrying a match on her own yet. Perez has the attitude to be something special but her in ring work needs more time. Granted most of the time she’s been a character rather than a wrestler, so maybe they should go back to that if Perez is to get a job long term.

Video on the Knockouts swimsuit calendar.

Mia Yim was here last year but promises to make a better impact this year.

Mia Yim vs. Brittany

Brittany grabs a wristlock to start and actually nails a headbutt. Yim grabs the ropes ala Manik and ducks a charge, sending Brittany out to the floor. That earns her a trip from Brittany to send Mia face first into the apron. A suicide dive takes Yim out again for two but she comes back with an ankle lock to take over. Brittany comes back with a Last Chancery which they don’t call a Last Chancery because it’s move infringement and Aries might shove his crotch into someone’s face.

Taz makes more sex jokes as Yim fakes Brittany out and dropkicks her down for two. Some weak looking strikes have Brittany in trouble but she comes back with a Fujiwara armbar to make Mia slap the mat a lot. That’s not tapping out for reasons that are unclear but my guess is that it’s not the finish. A handspring elbow nails Mia in the corner but she counters a Stratusphere attempt with a bunch of forearms and a missile dropkick gets two. Yim gets slammed off the top but avoids a handspring moonsault. A quick rolling cradle is enough to pin Brittany at 6:51.

Rating: C. I liked this more than I thought I would with Yim looking far more polished than a lot of these newcomers. She should probably get a mainstream job in the future but due to being solid in the ring and not a blonde model, she might not be exactly what WWE is looking for. Nice match though and probably Brittany’s best performance ever.

Deonna vs. Brooke

No idea who Deonna is but she looks nervous. We keep up the talking theme tonight with Brooke insulting the crowd and mocking Deonna’s gear, which is basically just shiny workout gear. Deonna admits that Brooke is better in every aspect than her, but at least she isn’t a wench. A quick rollup attempt gets two for Deonna and Brooke bails to the floor, saying she wasn’t ready. Back in and Brooke takes over as the announcers debate the meaning of “wench”.

A slam sends Brooke back to the floor but Deonna goes after her this time, only to get kicked in the face for her efforts. Brooke grabs the mic again and calls herself mama before talking trash. Now the announcers make jokes about throwing each other out, marking the first good idea they’ve had all night. Brooke stomps away in the corner and the Stinkface hits shoulder. Deonna avoids a middle rope elbow and both girls are down. Some low speed Irish whips send Brooke into the corner and a suplex gets two. Brooke’s cheating rollup is caught but the Tesshocker ends Deonna a few seconds later at 7:31.

Rating: D+. Well that happened. Brooke looked great but the whole shy rookie thing was done better by Scott earlier in the night. They’re running out of ideas for matches here and it’s getting annoying to sit through. Granted that happens at all of these shows though so it’s nothing new. I don’t want to imagine what it would be like without the filler though.

Gail Kim did a photo shoot for Muscle and Fitness. More filler.

ODB doesn’t know much about Marti Belle but says bring her on. Spud comes in and says he’ll be in Belle’s corner tonight.

Marti Belle vs. ODB

Spud finally brings himself to give Marti a kiss on the cheek. A quick chest bump puts Marti down in the corner and ODB sends her into the buckle. ODB spends too much time yelling at Spud though and gets dropkicked out to the floor. Taz starts singing Like A Virgin as ODB gets knocked back off the apron.

Back in and ODB misses a top rope dive and gets choked on the ropes. An abdominal stretch doesn’t get Marti anywhere as the announcers are talking about Man O War (a famous racehorse in case you’re unfamiliar) for no apparent reason. ODB comes back with a Bronco Buster and the fall away slam connects, only to have Spud hook her leg to give Marti a small package for the pin at 6:14.

Rating: D. Thank goodness ODB is gone from TNA. She’s been doing the same act for years now and it stopped being funny about 18 seconds after she debuted. Marti was nothing special and I can’t imagine we’ll be seeing any more of her in the near future. This show needs to end soon because it’s starting to run out of the little steam it had in the first place.

Belle breaks up with Spud post match in the most interesting thing she’s done all night. Spud: “WE WERE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER! WE WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP ON FACEBOOK!” ODB cracks up and Spud says he hates women. Spud makes another match right now.

ODB vs. Rockstar Spud

Spud gets shoved down to start but he sends her face first into the buckle to take over. For some reason Spud starts ripping off his clothes, earning him some hard chops to the chest. Another Broco Buster connects and Spud loses his pants, revealing some small, stained underwear. The Bam finally ends Spud at 3:22.

Rating: F. This wasn’t funny as even Spud has his limits. On to anything else please.

We recap the evening to eat up even more time.

Gauntlet Match

Royal Rumble style with two minute intervals. Gail Kim is #1 and Brooke is in at #2. Kim hammers away to start but gets sent hard into the corner to put her on the mat. Gail comes back with more forearms until Mia Yim is in at #3. Mia takes out Brooke but walks into a double clothesline from Gail, allowing the announcers to rhyme Yim and Kim far more often than necessary.

Reby Sky is in at #4 for some clotheslines of her own until Gail tries to dump her over the corner. Angelina Love is in at #5 as this is one of the most boring battle royals I’ve ever seen so far. Gail sends Reby shoulder first into the post and goes right after Angelina as she comes in. Everyone goes after Angelina as the announcers keep rhyming for no apparent reason. Love gets knocked to the apron but hangs on. Instead she dumps Reby to clean the ring out a bit as Madison Rayne is in at #6.

Gail and Mia fight in the corner until Marti Belle is in at #7. All six girls in the ring get knocked down as this match is just dying. Taryn Terrell is in at #8 as there is just nothing going on between these entrances. Taryn throws out Belle and Gail dumps Brooke. Love tosses Terrell as the ring is suddenly a lot more empty. Angelina knocks Gail out and Rayne gets double teamed. The Botox Injection hits Marti by mistake, allowing Madison to dump her as well.

So it’s Love vs. Rayne in a one on one match now with pins and submissions. Love runs to the back because this show WON’T FREAKING END. Madison chases after her and winds up kicking both Beautiful People through the entrance. Back in and Sky trips Rayne down as the announcers start ripping on the referee. Love puts on a full nelson with her legs but gets caught in a sunset flip out of the corner for two. Off to a chinlock from Love before Madison fights out to ram Angelina face first into the mat a few times. Sky grabs the hairspray but blasts her partner by mistake, allowing Rayne to spear Love for the pin.

Rating: D-. This was one of the most boring battle royals I’ve ever seen. The girls came in, they were quickly eliminated, and we had Angelina and Madison have a boring match with the same ending we saw earlier in the night. Madison winning is fine but this continues to mean nothing and bored me half to death.

Madison is awarded the crown with Gail Kim coming out to award it to her to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. This was one of the weakest entries in this series so far. It’s a one note idea that stopped being interesting after about four matches, especially when the newcomers wound up meaning nothing at all. The Spud stuff was funny for awhile and then didn’t even tie into the ending of the show. The show wasn’t so much bad as much as it was incredibly dull, which is often far worse.

Above the bad wrestling though was all the filler. With nearly half an hour to get to the show and then all the generic videos about the girls, this show pretty easily could have been cut down by 45 minutes to an hour. Why not have the videos about the newcomers? Or would that been putting actual effort into one of these? Bad show here but it was nice to see some fresh Knockouts.

Results

Gail Kim b. Veda Scott – Eat Defeat

Angelina Love b. Scarlett – Botox Injection

Reby Sky b. Velvet Sky – Rollup

Madison Rayne b. Jessica Havok – Middle rope spear

Taryn Terrell b. Karlee Perez – RKO

Mia Yim b. Brittany – Rolling cradle

Brooke b. Deonna – Tesshocker

Marti Belle b. ODB – Small package

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ODB b. Rockstar Spud – Bam

Madison Rayne won a gauntlet match last eliminating Angelina Love