Souled Out 2000
Date: January 16, 2000
Location: Firstar Center, Cincinnati, Ohio
Attendance: 14,132
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan

And then everything changed. The big matches for this show were scheduled to be Chris Benoit vs. Jeff Jarrett in a 2/3 falls match for the US Title and Bret Hart defending his WCW World Title against Goldberg. Then Goldberg, Hart and Jarrett all got hurt so we’re going to get Sid Vicious vs. Benoit for the World Title, which is being announced the night of the show. Other than that, Russo is GONE (pause for the parade) due to his solutions to the gaping holes caused by these injuries, which I’ll get to later. Let’s get to it.

The announcers immediately talk about the changes to the World Title match and show us clips of the injuries occurring, including the Goldberg superkick to Hart and Benoit’s Swan Dive off the top of the cage this past week on Nitro to knock Jarrett out. It’s interesting that the headbutt hit the arm but still rattled Jeff that much.

We look at the Revolution attacking Konnan during the pre-game show, which somehow leads to the new Triple Threat Theater. Instead of Jarrett vs. Benoit in a 2/3 falls match, Kidman of all people will be running a Revolution gauntlet in the three gimmick matches, including against Revolution’s mystery partner.

We run down the card to fill in even more time. Apparently Page vs. Bagwell is last man standing.

Also earlier tonight, David Flair and Crowbar have attacked Vampiro, meaning it’s no longer Flair vs. Vampiro but instead it’s a three way dance with Crowbar added.

After six and a half minutes of recaps and explaining the card, we’re ready to go.

Kidman vs. Dean Malenko

This is Catch As Catch Can, which was originally the Dungeon Match and means you win by pin, submission or your opponent leaving the ring. You know, because Kidman vs. Malenko needs a wacky stipulation. Dean takes him into the corner to start but Kidman drives him in just as quickly.

That goes nowhere as Malenko takes him down into a headscissors, only to bail into the corner when Kidman comes up swinging. A jackknife cover gets two for Dean but Kidman rolls away and fires off right hands, sending Dean rolling to the floor…..to give Kidman the win. Either Dean screwed up on a pretty unique rule or he wanted out as fast as he could. That’s it for Dean in WCW.

Clip of Vampiro powerbombing Crowbar for a pin on Thunder. The post match stuff that set up the match tonight isn’t included but why bother with something like that?

We recap Daffney being all psycho and hooking up with David Flair, who then joined forces with Crowbar. This somehow tied into David’s godfather Arn Anderson, who helped them win the Tag Team Titles. Vampiro and the Misfits hit on Daffney so she kneed them in the groin, setting up tonight’s match. In theory this was going to be Vampiro and someone against the champs, but it was changed to a three way on the pre-show for no logical reason.

Vampiro is about to address what’s going on but Masahiro Chono of all people interrupts and yells in Japanese.

David, Crowbar and Daffney promise to break Vampiro’s bones and rip off his flesh.

Vampiro vs. David Flair vs. Crowbar

It’s a big brawl to start but Vampiro faceplants both of them to take over early on. There’s no reason for Flair and Crowbar to fight each other aside from general insanity so this should be a tag match like it was supposed to be. Vampiro’s suplex is countered into a northern lights suplex for two but a spinning kick puts Crowbar down as well. There’s a suicide dive for Crowbar as Daffney bounces up and down on the bottom rope.

David’s chops have no effect as the announcers talk about Ric Flair being on some house shows but not appearing on TV. Vampiro chops David a few times and throws him onto Crowbar. The Rock Bottom on the floor is broken up by Crowbar’s flip dive for a huge crash. A big splash from the apron crushes Vampiro again as the Tag Team Champions are only kind of working together.

Back in and Crowbar plants him with a German suplex, continuing to make me wonder why he’s stuck in this story. Vampiro one ups him with a release superplex, prompting about forty seconds of replays of the match’s big spots. David remembers he’s in the match and gets two off a vertical suplex as this becomes the handicap match it was supposed to be. That goes nowhere as Vampiro superkicks both of them down and plants Crowbar with a Rock Bottom for two.

More double teaming gives the champs control and a top rope splash gets two for Crowbar. David slaps on a figure four that makes Dusty Rhodes look like Ric himself but Crowbar goes for a cover, starting a brawl between the champs. Back up again and Vampiro cleans house, sidesteps a charging David to send him into Daffney and the Nail in the Coffin gives Vampiro the pin.

Rating: D+. Total mess here but it was fun at times. Like I said though, the booking was all over the place and it was just a spotfest, but the bigger problem is the Tag Team Champions just lost a glorified handicap match in ten minutes. Why this wasn’t a tag match isn’t clear, especially when you have all those people on the roster not doing a thing. David continues to be completely worthless.

Buff Bagwell arrives.

The Mamalukes are ready for the Harris Brothers in a bonus match.

Harris Brothers vs. Mamalukes

Ron shoves Johnny the Bull into the corner to start but eats a spinning kick to the face which sounded like it made some solid contact. Back in and Ron runs over Vito (in his sleeveless, shiny neon green shirt) but Johnny comes in with some right hands to the ribs to take over. Vito drops an elbow low, only to have Ron take Johnny out to the floor and whip him into the barricade.

A big side slam plants Johnny back inside and it’s off to Don for a lame chinlock. The Twins maintain control and hit Johnny low as I’m trying to figure out who to cheer for in this match. Vito gets goaded into the ring so Ron can choke in the corner before throwing the Bull to the floor. This match just keeps going and the fans chant DOA. Vito breaks up a cover off a DDT and crotches Don, only to have Disco shoves him off by mistake, helping Vito with a top rope clothesline to Ron for the pin.

Rating: D-. This is one of those matches that just kept going for no reason other than they needed to fill in some more time. On top of that it’s a bonus match so there isn’t even a story going on until the ending where Disco didn’t mean to help the Mafia guys win. Really dull stuff here but either team would be an upgrade for the Tag Team Titles.

Madusa rants to Spice about Oklahoma.

Cruiserweight Title: Madusa vs. Oklahoma

Madusa is defending but Oklahoma has the Cruiserweight Title belt because this story is stupid. Oklahoma vows to prove that men are the dominant sex and runs down all the horrible housewives here in Cincinnati. “Madusa, get those silicone balls out here so I can bounce them back to the kitchen.” Madusa comes out in a bikini with a loincloth as she fires off kicks to start.

Some hair drags put Madusa down but Oklahoma (wearing a singlet with his name on it in the WWF Attitude logo style) avoids a charge, only to have Madusa fall onto his crotch. A pair of middle rope missile dropkicks drop Oklahoma but he comes right back with a DDT because he’s somehow better than the best American female wrestler of this era. Spice takes the barbecue sauce away from Oklahoma and here’s Asya to help out.

Not that it matters as Oklahoma pulls the loincloth down and rolls Madusa up for the pin and the Cruiserweight (Ferrara weighed about 300lbs) Title. Too short to rate, but the man that said he was better than all women just pinned the female champion despite her having two people to help her. Somehow, this is supposed to be entertaining rather than, you know, horrible and disgusting.

The girls pour the sauce down his singlet post match. That’s an appropriate response after being cheated out of a title by a chauvinist announcer whose entire character was originally built around mocking an announcer. All hail the Powers That Be!

Hardcore Champion Brian Knobbs credits Fit Finlay for giving him back the Eye of the Tiger. He’ll beat up Meng and Smiley tonight and then take out Finlay to become the new master.

Hardcore Title: Brian Knobbs vs. Fit Finlay vs. Meng vs. Norman Smiley

Knobbs is defending. This is called Four The Hard Way and I’m sure it’s going to be the hard way as opposed to something easy like gum surgery. Norman comes out in riot gear. Brian takes over with a bunch of trashcan lid shots before double teaming Meng with Finlay’s help. Meng shrugs it off and knocks Norman down (Heenan: “RUN!”) before everyone goes to the floor. Norman does a kind of leg sweep to put Brian down but Finlay blasts him in the head with a trashcan.

A headbutt with the riot helmet puts Norman down again and it’s table time. Knobbs and Finlay hit Meng with the trashcan and it’s time to split up because this match needs to be doubled. Thankfully it doesn’t last long as Norman and Finlay come back to ringside with Smiley being dropped face first onto a chair. Meng’s cover on Brian is broken up and Norman is left alone with the champ. Instead of covering though he stops to dance, allowing Knobbs to hit him with the riot shield to retain. Tenay says Knobbs is a force to be reckoned with a mere four days after winning the title.

Rating: D-. You can see the problem with this division in this match alone: they’re not doing anything. This is just the weapons title with people who have nothing else to do filling in the spots. At least with the WWF version, the hardcore guys were entertaining and had enough charisma to carry the division. This is everyone but Norman treating it seriously and making it a very dull sit every time they’re out there.

Meng cleans house post match.

Kidman vs. Perry Saturn

Bunkhouse Brawl, which means hardcore (that sounds familiar), even though I don’t think either of these two have ever been in a bunkhouse in their entire lives because most people aren’t cowboys. Saturn headbutts him down to start and plants Kidman with a gorilla press for two. He crotches Kidman on top and hits a springboard clothesline (kind of at least) to drive Kidman to the floor for a big crash right on his side.

Thankfully with Kidman’s hip still in one piece, Saturn knocks his head off with a clothesline and gets two off a legdrop. Saturn rips the shirt apart and starts cranking on the arm. A beal with the torn shirt sends Kidman down again before Saturn remember this is a hardcore match and pulls out a table. Kidman finally scores with a dive as Tony and Heenan plan starting a table business. There’s a comedy gimmick in there somewhere.

Back in and Saturn takes over again with a top rope elbow getting two. Saturn busts out a layout powerbomb (yes he can!) for two but misses a moonsault. The BK Bomb gets two but Saturn launches him over the top and out through the table for two on the floor. They head up top with Saturn loading up a superbomb, only to get backdropped down. It’s time to go back to the drawing board with another powerbomb but Kidman faceplants him down (maybe he can’t) for the pin. That’s it for Saturn in WCW.

Rating: D+. This was a glorified Saturn squash until the ending came out of nowhere. Kidman took a good beating and it came off like the Jeff Hardy formula, which isn’t the worst idea, but Saturn destroying him for ten minutes with the hardcore rules barely meaning anything.

And now, Stevie Ray goes back to the hood. Heenan’s words. Stevie talks to some old friends and says this is where he and Booker come from. He says a pile of cardboard boxes is home to someone and this is where they’re from. Some people Stevie knows asks where Booker has been but Stevie says they just forgot about this place. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this was actually really well done.

Stevie says it’s done tonight.

Booker T. vs. Stevie Ray

Before the match Booker, wearing a red vest with sleeves so skinny they look like suspenders, says he’s going to give Stevie the whipping he deserves for saying Booker has forgotten where he came from. Stevie tries to get in a cheap shot but Booker ducks underneath and nails a spinning kick to the face. A big clothesline drops Booker and the match slows way down.

They head outside with Stevie slowly walking around the ring until Booker fires off some right hands. Back in and Stevie gets in a thumb to the eyes and hooks on a chinlock. A backdrop puts Booker down and we cut to the crowd for no apparent reason. Booker escapes the Slapjack and scores with the Book End, but Ahmed Johnson runs in for the DQ.

Rating: D. Booker is good, but carrying Stevie Ray is almost impossible. There’s only so much you can do when you’re in a story this lame and we passed that point as soon as the bell rang. Really dull match but I was a huge fan of Ahmed Johnson so somehow I can live with this.

Stevie names him Big T. Unfortunately, I remember where this is leading and it’s going to get even worse.

Sid is ready to fight his friend for the World Title.

Tank Abbott vs. Jerry Flynn

Here’s Tenay’s recap: “This past Monday, they were put inside the same jail cell and even that couldn’t keep them apart.” Abbott punches, Flynn kicks, they trade some lame submission holds and Tank punches him out for the pin in less than 100 seconds.

We recap Page vs. Bagwell, which is over accusations that Bagwell slept with Page’s wife Kimberly and Buff implying that Kimberly has been with the entire locker room. In other words, it’s over whether or not Kimberly is a sl**.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. Buff Bagwell

Last man standing. Buff punches him out to the floor and they’re quickly in the crowd with Buff punching him over what appear to be hockey boards. Back to ringside with Bagwell still in control but Page comes back with a neckbreaker. The Diamond Cutter is broken up and Bagwell goes outside for a dive from Page. They both go down off a single right hand and fight near the WCW.com station.

Both guys throw a monitor and Tony thinks it’s hilarious. A keyboard shot to the head puts Bagwell down but Buff comes back with an elbow off the set through the table. It’s Page’s turn to no sell and they head back to the ring as there hasn’t been a count yet. Page, bleeding from the side, crotches Bagwell against the post. Even more no selling ensues as Bagwell shrugs off a Diamond Cutter and hits a Vader Bomb for eight.

Buff DDT’s Page for seven and it’s Blockbuster time. The fans react, so is Buff supposed to be the good guy here? Page eats Blockbuster but gets up at nine. Bagwell pulls a police baton out to beat on Page for nine, only to walk into a Diamond Cutter. It’s actually Bagwell up first with Page not being able to answer the count. So yeah, Page lost by hitting his finisher. That’s certainly different.

Rating: D+. That ending is really confusing stuff as you would think Buff could have just hit the Blockbuster for the win. They were trying to play up the idea that Buff blocked the move but he went down like anyone else would have. Really weird ending to a boring but not horrible match.

Kimberly comes out and watches as Page beats Buff down.

Kidman vs. ???

This is in Caged Heat, which means Hell in a Cell. Shane Douglas comes out to introduce the mystery opponent: the Wall. Yeah it’s Kidman vs. the Wall in an unannounced match inside Hell in a Cell. They fight over a chair on the floor to start with Wall getting the better of it. Kidman is tossed into the cage a few times as the crowd is just gone. They head inside with Wall getting two off a clothesline. A sunset bomb out of the corner gets the same for Kidman and he counters a suplex into a DDT for the same. Kidman goes up top and dives right into a chokeslam for the pin.

Rating: F. This is another instance where I can sum up the problem in one sentence: a Hell in a Cell match that lasted five minutes That’s ignoring the fact that these two have no personal issues and Wall is just there because Shane is still injured and you can’t put Asya out there.

Kevin Nash vs. Terry Funk

Hardcore. Again. If Nash wins he’s the Commissioner but if Funk wins, the NWO is gone. Nash jumps him in the aisle and throws in some big right hands, followed by a chair to the back. There’s the Jackknife through the table but Nash goes inside to talk trash instead of covering. He tells Funk that he can keep his job as Commissioner if he can get back in, but as soon as Terry gets back in, Nash says he’s a liar.

Another clothesline puts Funk on the floor and he crashes on his head to make it look even more effective. Terry nails him with a chair a few times to limited avail so Nash chairs him down again. A DDT plants Nash and Funk slowly slugs away before setting up some more chairs. That earns Funk a low blow and a powerbomb through the opened chairs to give Nash the power.

Rating: D. So Nash is the Commissioner after spending weeks beating up the lame duck Commissioner. I’m so glad we got to sit through this, though at least Nash is somewhat relevant to the product and has been around longer than a few weeks. I can also see why Flair wasn’t interested in coming back for something like that.

Nash officially takes over at midnight.

Arn Anderson, guest referee for the main event, basically says none of this matters as it’s all about getting Nash out of power. He stumbles over his lines here which is something you never see from him.

WCW World Title: Chris Benoit vs. Sid Vicious

Feeling out process to start with Sid shoving Benoit into the corner but being nice enough to help him up. Some of the roster comes out to watch at the arena entrance. Sid shoves Benoit to the floor by the throat and it’s time to regroup. Back in and Benoit gets smart by going after the knee by dropkicking the leg our bringing Sid down.

With almost the entire locker room watching (and looking like they’re at a funeral), Benoit takes it to the floor and crushing the leg between the post and the steps. A Figure Four has Sid in even more trouble but he turns it over, sending Benoit to the ropes for a break. Sid is wrestling as the face here but Benoit is only the heel by default.

Benoit snap suplexes him for one and then puts on the bridging Indian Deathlock to make Sid scream. The hold has to be broken because of the pressure it puts on Benoit’s neck so Sid can try a quick comeback, only to eat another dropkick to the knee. The rolling Germans are countered with a powerslam for two and the fans actually show some signs of life.

A long leg lock has Sid in even more trouble and a release German sets up the Swan Dive but Sid powers out at one. The chokeslam gets two due to Benoit’s foot being under the rope. There’s the Crossface for an immediate tap to give Benoit the title. Anderson wasn’t a factor in the entire match.

Rating: C. Watchable match here with Sid getting in almost nothing. That’s the big key here: Benoit took him apart and then made Sid submit (unlike Goldberg in an interesting bit). Unfortunately there was almost no emotion or drama here as it was just about who was going to win and there was no reason to be upset with either guy as champion.

Replays show that Sid’s foot was under the rope, which was their out to take the title off Benoit once he quit.

Benoit praises Sid for a great fight and talks about seeing the Dynamite Kid when he was eleven years old. Anderson comes in and shakes Benoit’s hand. Cue Nash to say he’s going to make Benoit’s life a nightmare starting at midnight.

Overall Rating: D. Let’s get the important part out of the way first: this was a big, big improvement over the Russo shows. It may not have been good or even decent, but there’s a huge difference between a show making me scream at the screen fifteen years later and just being pretty lame. There’s only one decent match on the show and only one moment that matters, but at least it’s a nice feel good moment.

The interesting thing here is that you might like the show better without seeing the build. It’s a totally different show than they set up due to the injuries and changes to the card, but that doesn’t mean it’s anything good. The new version of WCW starting tomorrow night is going to be…..I guess the word is interesting, but the roster being depleted all at once is one of the final nails in the coffin, which we’ll get to on Monday. Bad show, but a boring bad instead of infuriating.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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SuperBrawl V
Date: February 19, 1995
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance: 13, 390
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

This was actually a request on Twitter from the people over at markedout.com. If there’s ever a show that I can find that you want me to review, let me know and I’d be glad to take a look at it. This is from a bad time for WCW as Hogan had debuted and basically taken the whole company over, running roughshod over everyone in sight. Tonight’s main event is Hogan vs. Vader for the title, after Hogan no sold the powerbomb recently on the Clash of the Champions. See, not the most logical thing in the world. Let’s get to it.

Now the WWE Network version of this show says that the opening is missing and that their version is the most complete one available. However, other complete versions are available online so I’ll be looking at a different version before I go to the Network.

The following is actually how the show started. As much as I wish I could take credit for it, I’m not making this up.

The Nasty Boys are in the streets of Baltimore and are going on a tour. Their first stop: the Maryland Science Center. They go inside and build a tower out of blocks, but Sags presses a button that makes the table shake to see if their tower is earthquake proof. Now Knobbs plays with a static electricity machine to make his hair stand up. Sags goes off to see something else as Knobbs can’t just take his hand off the machine for some reason.

After pestering some fans, he’s told that Sags has gone to the aquarium. Brian goes over to find him but is handed a starfish and a crab instead. The attendant tells him that Sags went into the rainforest but Brian can’t find him there either. He goes to watch some dolphins perform when Sags comes up and says he was locked in a submarine for an hour. Then they eat some lobsters, reminisce about the show, and leave for SuperBrawl.

Normally I would make jokes about what I just saw, but I’m really not sure what it was. The levels of random in this were so out there that I can’t believe it exists. I mean…..WHAT WAS THAT??? They were doing experiments and Sags was locked in a submarine? I know WCW was strange around this time but my goodness what was up with this?

The opening video focuses on Hogan vs. Vader, which was set up at the end of Starrcade. That’s about as easy of a match as you could ask for, but it was basically spoiled when Hogan no sold Vader’s powerbomb at a recent Clash of the Champions.

The announcers chat about the main event and Gene thinks Vader wants to permanently injure Hogan.

We see a clip from earlier which shows Vader possibly arriving with Ric Flair, who was recently retired. Vader attacked another car he thought Hogan was in (Tony says that was his, as in Tony’s limo. TONY SCHIAVONE HAD HIS OWN LIMO??? Were those things handed out as party favors?) where he breaks out a window and doesn’t require surgery, proving conclusively that either Vader is tougher than Goldberg, or they made better limousines in 1999.

During Main Event (the regular TV show before the pay per view started), Vader came to the ring and attacked Stars N Stripes (Marcus Bagwell/the Patriot) and the jobbers they just beat.

Alex Wright vs. Paul Roma

Yeah there are actually matches on here. Wright is a newcomer and fresh off fighting the man who would be known as HHH at Starrcade. Roma is somehow a former Horsemen and Wright is a young kid trying to prove himself. Now this should be obvious, but this is WCW. Apparently this is over Wright getting all the women recently. Roma, in a singlet for the only time I can ever remember, jumps Wright during his pre-match dance. A failure of a gorilla press puts Wright down and Paul does Wright’s dance to a face reaction.

Back up and Wright grabs an armdrag to take over, but Paul pulls him down by the hair, barely selling a thing in the process. A rope walking wristdrag puts Roma down as two good looking women (ring attendants who don’t do anything of note) come out. The girls don’t get any attention so here’s Roma’s partner in Pretty Wonderful, Paul Orndorff. Alex stays on the arm but Roma pops up and takes over with some elbow drops.

Three straight backbreakers have Alex in even more trouble. Notice that Wright hasn’t gotten to do anything past arm work and Roma is showing off. He sends Wright outside and poses even more as this has been a Roma showcase match so far. Alex comes back with right hands but Roma steps to the side to make Wright look stupid on a sunset flip attempt. Wright tries a backslide but Roma fights it off for at least fifteen seconds before going down for one. Roma comes right back with stomps and we hit the chinlock so let’s look at the crowd. The fans aren’t pleased and I’m sure the bosses aren’t either.

Back up again and Alex makes a comeback, only to have Roma grab the ropes to send Alex crashing to the mat. Paul gets two off a top rope elbow before Alex starts another comeback, only to have Roma intentionally screw up a hiptoss. Orndorff breaks up a cover off a cross body but Alex dropkicks the Pauls into each other and grabs the rollup for the pin. Roma kicked out at two and a half but the referee counted the pin anyway to get out while they could.

Rating: D-. Absolutely none of this is on Wright. Alex was 19 here and in the biggest match of his career with someone completely in this for himself. In case you couldn’t guess, this was Paul Roma’s last match ever on a national stage. I don’t remember a less professional performance in all my years of watching wrestling.

Paul was out there to make himself look good and Wright was destroyed in the process. Paul Roma is one of those guys who was around other big names and is remembered for doing some decent things, even though it was almost always the partner carrying things while Roma was just there. Disgusting match.

Sister Sherri and the newly credible Harlem Heat (only recently renamed Booker T. and Stevie Ray from their old names of Kane and Kole) promise to keep their titles tonight. Gene can’t even remember which is which yet. It’s so bizarre to see a famous team as newcomers, even though they had been around for well over a year at this point.

Bunkhouse Buck vs. Jim Duggan

Buck (with manager Colonel Parker and bodyguard Meng) is a big power brawler from Tennesse. Basically think Luke Harper with less hair and less talent. They slug it out to start (duh) and the fans chant USA. As usual, why doesn’t that work for Buck too? A bunch of right hands and a clothesline put Buck on the floor. More right hands set up a chinlock on Buck inside as we’re firmly in brawl mode. Buck finally sneaks in a shot with a rope and Duggan is knocked to the floor.

Back in and we hit the chinlock on Duggan as this is already in big trouble. Duggan fights up again and kicks Buck into the corner, followed by a backdrop and yet another chinlock. Jim yells at the referee and walks around the ring after a right hand to the face. An elbow gets two for Duggan as this marathon of first gear wrestling continues. Duggan puts on a ridiculous third chinlock in about seven minutes before yelling at Parker.

A spinning slam and knee drop get two for Jim, who is…..my goodness it’s the FOURTH chinlock. Jim mixes up his right hands by throwing them in the corner instead. With that working so well, Duggan puts on an armbar. Yes seriously, ten minutes into THIS match and it’s an armbar. Parker gets on the apron but Buck accidentally throws Duggan into him, only to have Duggan bounce back and hit a Three Point Clothesline for the pin.

Rating: F. I don’t remember the last time a major show started with a worse half hour. Absolutely horrible match here and I have no idea why this was even on the card. Duggan on offense for most of the match is one of the worst imaginable ideas, but having it be against Bunkhouse Buck was even worse. This was horrible and I have no idea who thought it was a good idea.

Meng comes in and massacres Duggan, instantly becoming the most interesting thing on the show so far. Well ok so it’s as entertaining as a superkick and nerve hold can be but it’s not Duggan vs. Buck so points for that.

The Nasty Boys are ready for their title shot tonight and will take Harlem Heat to Nastyville for the last time. They’ll slap Sherri’s face off if they have to.

Dave Sullivan vs. Kevin Sullivan

Oh sweet goodness I thought I had blocked this out of my mind. So these two are brothers and Dave (formerly Evad, which is Dave backwards because Dave is dyslexic, even though I don’t think that’s how it works) is a huge Hulkamaniac but Kevin despises Hulk so this is a grudge match. The problem here is Kevin is 100x the wrestler Dave is, and if you’ve ever seen a Kevin Sullivan match, you know what we could be in for here. Kevin has the Butcher (Brutus Beefcake) in his corner here.

Dave is ready for a sneak attack from his brother and hits one of the most awkward elbows to the face to send Kevin outside. Ten very slow rams into the buckle set up ten very slow (and badly exposed by the camera) right hands from Dave. Butcher trips Dave up as we hear about Kevin cutting Dave’s hair and destroying the boots that Hogan gave him (allegedly the same ones he wore to defeat Andre), which Dave called the magic slippers. So yes, not only is Hogan dominating everyone in the main event, one of the characters on this show is a Hogan super fan.

Back in and Kevin stops a stumble with a boot to the face. Dave fights back from his knees and chokes a lot, only to have Kevin chop him back down. Kevin crotches himself on the ropes though, allowing Dave to very slowly ram him into the buckle again. This draws Butcher to the apron and Kevin sends Dave into him, setting up a……hand on Dave’s trunks for the pin. In theory it was a rollup with a handful of trunks, but Kevin wasn’t actually making contact with Dave or rolling him up in any way, shape or form.

Rating: D-. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Buck vs. Duggan is actually the match of the night in the first 45 minutes. This almost trumped it but my goodness Dave was terrible. I mean….my goodness man. This is really the best the promotion could offer? How could this possibly be considered a good idea? Is there really anything here other than Hogan’s ego needing a good rub? If so, was there no one you could put out there instead of Dave Sullivan?

The ram into Butcher might have hurt his face (which the announcers said was full of metal plates, meaning Dave has a face harder than steel). This would lead to him being known as the Man With No Face. You think I can make this stuff up??? Kevin doesn’t seem to mind.

Tony tries to talk about the show but Heenan has problems with his chair. The point of this is to announce Pedro Morales debuting as a Spanish announcer. I’ve always liked the guy so I can’t complain.

Avalanche (Earthquake) and Big Bubba Rogers (Big Boss Man) cut a promo that belongs in the 80s. Avalanche’s is the exact same promo he cut for years but with a different name at the end. Rogers on the other hand is tired of listening to the fans and is out for himself now. This was really, really lame.

Tag Team Titles: Harlem Heat vs. Nasty Boys

Harlem Heat, with Sherri in the corner, is defending and these teams fought about 19 times in a row. The Nasty Boys are the good guys here. Before we get going, Booker calls a fan a dumb idiot. Doesn’t that mean they’re actually smart? All four jaw at each other to start until it’s Brian and Booker getting things going. Mr. T. slaps him in the face but misses a side kick and crotches himself on the ropes.

Off to Sags for a gutbuster and an elbow to the ribs (called the leg for some reason) with Stevie making the save via a hearty slap on the back. Heenan wants Stevie to kick Sags like a dog but gets forearms to the face instead. Unfortunately this is before Booker was a well rounded wrestler so this is going to be a brawl no matter who is in there. The Boys get Booker into the corner for some clubberin and Brian drops a leg to the back of the head (well, he is Hogan’s buddy after all).

Booker’s raised boot in the corner doesn’t do much but Stevie offers a cheap shot from the apron, allowing Booker to dropkick Sags out to the floor. Back in and Stevie kicks Jerry right back outside where Sherri gets in a glove shot to stagger Sags all over again. Booker does the years away from being named Spinarooni and it’s off to a chinlock. Sags’ comeback is stopped by another kick to the face and Stevie puts on another chinlock.

Another comeback is countered with another kick and Booker comes in for a front facelock. Those holds ate up the better part of three minutes. Booker misses a middle rope elbow and Sags scores with a powerslam. The hot tag brings in Brian to a lukewarm reaction at best. A double DDT to the champs draws the pop of the night (see how much bigger of a move that used to be?) but Booker saves the pin. Sherri hits Stevie with the loaded purse by mistake and Brian gets the pin and the titles.

Rating: D. Match of the night here by about 10,000 and it was boring stuff all throughout. Cut this down to like twelve minutes instead of the seventeen (!) it got and this is far better. These teams were better (or at least more entertaining) when it was a wild brawl instead of a match, but Harlem Heat would get a lot better in the next year or so.

Scratch the title change which might be interesting. Apparently Knobbs threw Booker over the top and that’s a DQ, meaning the Heat keep the titles.

Savage and Sting are ready for the monsters. That almost has to be better if they just follow the standard formula. Gene: “This has been one of the best four or five pay per views I’ve ever been involved in.”

Ad for Uncensored, which actually might be worse than this show. If you’ve never seen it, imagine a match taking place in the back of a truck as it goes down a highway. Literally, that’s what happened.

The announcers preview Blacktop Bully vs. Dustin Rhodes, which is part of the Rhodes Family vs. Colonel Parker’s Stud Stable. The Bully is Barry Darsow, better known as Demolition Smash but as an evil truck driver. Dustin got him sent to prison for reasons not important enough to explain here, but lucky for you, I care about this story more than WCW.

Bully debuted as a really obnoxious fan who eventually pushed Dustin, causing the arrest. Colonel Parker bailed him out of jail to add Bully into the feud with the Rhodes Family, which was the WarGames match in 1994. The feud is still going FIVE MONTHS AFTER FREAKING WARGAMES. 1995 was such a stupid time for WCW.

Blacktop Bully vs. Dustin Rhodes

Commissioner Nick Bockwinkel comes out and says Meng can’t be at ringside for this match due to his attack on Duggan earlier tonight. Bully tries to get in a cheap shot to start but Dustin ducks underneath and hammers away in the corner. That’s fine with Bully who shrugs them off and chop blocks Dustin down before ripping the jacket off. The choke with the jacket doesn’t count as a foreign object because Dustin brought it in. But a removed boot is considered illegal? Wrestling rules are really screwy sometimes.

Dustin kicks him to the floor and Bully comes up holding his arm. Naturally (remember Dustin is the Natural at this point) this leads to a headlock but at least Dustin wakes up a few seconds later and cranks on the arm. The arm is sent into the buckle and we hit that hammerlock. The fans chant KFC at Parker because he’s been called a chicken. Again, this is as good as it got around this time. Bully tries to wrestle out of things but get caught in another hammerlock.

Back up and Dustin jacks Bully’s jaw before planting him with a suplex for two. Dustin teases going after Parker but punches a diving Bully out of the air. Bully finally gets in a shot of his own and this match MUST CONTINUE, meaning even more trucker jokes from Heenan. We hit the slow stomping portion of the match as the fans are just deadly silent. A belly to back suplex sets up another chinlock to kill even more time.

Bully dumps him through the ropes and onto the steps and the fans still don’t care. This is one of the quietest crowds I’ve ever heard but Dustin trips him up and wraps the leg around the post to wake them up for a few seconds. Dustin knocks him out of the air to put both guys down again and the fans try to get going.

The Bully finally loses his vest, revealing one heck of a beer gut in the process. Dustin’s bulldog connects for two with Parker putting his foot on the ropes for the break. For reasons of general stupidity, Dustin suplexes Parker into the ring and tries the same on the Bully, only to have Parker grab the leg for the Wrestlemania V ending after SIXTEEN MINUTES.

Rating: D. Good grief this was long. These matches have just dragged on over and over all night long and this was one of the longest. Bully is one of the lamest characters I’ve ever seen and somehow, these two had a match in the back of a freaking truck the next month, which thankfully got Dustin fired so he could be Goldust by the end of the year. So to clarify, we just saw a sixteen minute Goldust vs. Repo Man match on pay per view.

Vader does his usual I AM A MONSTER promo and throws in a shout out to his son Jesse. He won’t confirm or deny that Flair was in one of the limos earlier.

The announcers talk about the title match. Tony wants to know if the lady in Vader’s limo was Ric Flair.

Speaking of Flair, here he is and of course Baltimore loves him after he lost to Hogan as a heel. Flair asks why he would be in Vader’s limousine and makes sure to rant about Hogan for a bit. He’ll be sitting at ringside with five good looking women for the last two matches.

Avalanche/Big Bubba Rogers vs. Sting/Randy Savage

Maybe this can be better through pure talent in the ring. Great Muta (without paint and sitting next to the yet to be named Sonny Onoo) is in the audience, probably wondering when he can get out of this stupid show. Avalanche shoves Sting into the corner to start and hammers away with the big forearms but Sting staggers him with clotheslines and a dropkick. Off to Rogers for a backbreaker but he makes the mistake of going up, allowing Savage to crotch him down.

Sting plants him with a slam off the top and punches Bubba out to the floor, setting up Savage’s top rope ax handle. As the guys are on the floor, Heenan calls Flair the thing that stirs the drink. Sting invites Flair to come into the ring as Bubba slugs Savage down but misses a sitting splash. Savage, ever the psycho, slaps Avalanche in the face twice in a row. After a quick chase, Avalanche misses a charge in the corner and winds up on the top rope for some kicks to the ample gut.

It’s off to Sting to go after the ribs and put on the Scorpion but everything breaks down. Stinger Splashes nail both giants but Avalanche comes back with something like a chokeslam to stop Sting cold. The villains take over again until Sting slams Avalanche, only to walk into a right hand from Bubba, which sends Sting head first between Avalanche’s legs. It’s a hot tag to Savage to clean some house but Sting gets a quick tag, setting up a high cross body on Avalanche who topples over Bubba, giving Sting the pin.

Rating: C. Yes it was your standard TV main event and no it wasn’t anything special, but it was so refreshing to watch some people with charisma after watching the previous two hours of horrible. Sting and Savage are good examples of people who can make a match better by pure charisma, even if the action isn’t great. This was nothing special but it was one thing everything else wasn’t: entertaining.

CALL THE HOTLINE!

More main event talk with Tony saying the feud started at SuperBrawl, meaning Starrcade. That passes for an interesting point on this show.

We recap Hogan vs. Vader, which is your standard Hogan vs. monster formula, but with a different kind of monster. Vader spent months saying Hogan was ducking him, so Hogan no sold the powerbomb to make this feud look lame. This actually is a dream match, or at least it would have been three years ago.

Hogan says he’s ready for the latest challenge of Hulkamania. Even his family is worried about Vader hurting him tonight but the Pythons are ready for Vader Time.

WCW World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Vader

Hogan is defending of course and Vader is US Champion. For the sake of clarity, only Hogan will be referred to as champion. Hogan has Jimmy Hart in his corner which never worked for me. Flair is still at ringside too with Commissioner Nick Bockwinkel watching next to the timekeeper. We get the Big Match Intros to kill more time and they’re actually making this feel important. Vader no sells right hands to start and the mask is off early.

The champ fires off a bunch of slaps and a clothesline but Vader is all BRING IT. The frontal assault didn’t work so Hogan tries a wristlock for the same result. Vader starts pounding away in the corner and the fans are cheering the monster. A splash sends Hogan running to the floor but he knocks Vader over the barricade and at Flair’s feet. Back in and Hogan just fires off all the right hands he can before clotheslining Vader out to the floor. Choking in the corner keeps Vader in trouble as the fans are suddenly quiet again. The slam attempt fails and Vader hits the standing body attack as Hogan is quickly reeling.

Hogan shouts to Jimmy that the man is too strong because when you have Vader killing you, Jimmy Hart is your best possible option. The Vader Bomb connects (Heenan: “MAGILLA GORILLA!”) but Vader takes too long loading up the moonsault and only hits mat. They fight to the floor and our hero cracks Vader with a chair. Vader is in trouble but he shrugs it off and runs Hogan again, just like he did back in 1992.

It’s Hulk Up time but the legdrop gets one with Vader throwing him to his feet on the kickout. There goes the referee and Vader powerbombs Hogan for no count. Flair comes in and counts three, but thankfully Vader doesn’t think he’s won the title. The referee crawls over for two and it’s time for Hulk Up #2 with Vader getting knocked to the floor, only to have Flair come in for the DQ.

Rating: C. That’s it? That’s the big Hogan vs. Vader showdown that should have headlined Starrcade but the world was just dying for that Brutus Beefcake vs. Hogan showdown. I’m assuming now that I’m supposed to want to see Vader vs. Hogan II with a gimmick attached instead of Hogan trying to get his title back after the heels take the title away here. But that might mean Hogan isn’t the greatest thing ever and that’s not a world WCW wanted to live in so we get this lame ending instead. Still though, decent match.

Hogan gets put in the Figure Four but Sting and Savage run out for the save. Hulk N Pals celebrate to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. Yeah it’s a disaster and one of the worst cards I’ve ever sat through, but it’s the please introduce me to a hyper giraffe kind of bad instead of wanting to flog an old man with a tree branch kind of bad. The problem here is that none of this, other than the main event, needed to be on pay per view. It’s a big batch of TV matches with nothing good or even remotely good until the main event matches. Just a horrible show all around from a very dark period for WCW.

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Starrcade 1999
Date: December 19, 1999
Location: MCI Center, Washington D.C.
Attendance: 8,582
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Bobby Heenan

We have arrived. We have reached the biggest show of the year for WCW. It’s the final pay per view of the year and the final Starrcade of the 1990s. Over the years this show has been a showcase for legends like Sting, Ric Flair, Lex Luger and Hulk Hogan. There have been great matches, moments and shows in general, many of which have been some of WCW’s best shows of all time. Now, forget everything I just said, because this is going to be one of the biggest disasters in the history of……I would say professional wrestling but that has nothing to do with what I’m about to sit through. Let’s get to it.

We open with a Scott Hudson narrated highlight package to preview the card. Up first in the package: the Revolution vs. Jim Duggan/his mystery partners. I’m pretty sure every match gets some time here, but my goodness they aren’t off to a rousing start by making me think about all of the impending disasters.

Now we get a standard opening video, focusing on the powerbomb match and then the World Title match.

Disco Inferno/Lash Leroux vs. Big Vito/Johnny the Bull

Disco lost a lot of money gambling (which I don’t think he ever paid back) to the Mafia so Don boss Tony Marinara sent Big Vito and Johnny the Bull after him. Lash helped Disco out and basically started a war against the mob, setting up this tag match. It’s also probably the match that has gotten the most build on the card. Normally I would ask why a match like this is opening the show, but the more I think about it, what else do they have?

It’s a brawl to start with Vito punching Lash down early on. A nice suplex drops Lash again and Vito nails a good looking superkick. Heenan gets in another of his lines that are open to interpretation as he wonders why the people in the back are so quiet. Off to Johnny who eats a dropkick from Lash and a clothesline from Disco for one.

Disco stomps away in the corner but Johnny sweeps the leg (because he’s the best in town) to take over. Vito scores with a hard running clothesline and Johnny’s swinging neckbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock for a bit before something like a double powerbomb plants Disco again. Vito spends too much time mocking the crowd on the ropes though and hits the mat, allowing the hot tag to Lash.

Everything breaks down and the goons are dropped with clotheslines. A gorilla press drop puts Lash down but he avoids a top rope spinning legdrop. Disco hits a top rope splash for two but Vito comes off the top to break up the save (granted the really slow count made it a bit easier). Vito reverses a whip from Lash and sends him into the Last Dance from Disco by mistake, setting up Vito’s spinning DDT for the pin.

Rating: C. Totally acceptable tag match here, but I have a feeling we’ve just seen the match of the night. It’s the old power vs. speed formula which has worked for the better part of ever and worked here as well. The story made sense and was actually different for a change, but this could have been on almost any given Nitro. Still though, totally acceptable.

Post match Disco gets beaten up and thrown in the body bag, along with a bottle of ether. The mob takes him back to the parking lot and throw him in their car to take them away.

Goldberg vs. Hart is No DQ. If that was the stipulation beforehand, I haven’t heard of it.

Scott Hall is out of the US Title match due to a knee injury so Benoit is the champion.

The announcers run their mouths to fill time on a show with 13 matches. Keep in mind that this is coming after a backstage segment. Not only is it boring for the PPV audience, but it’s letting the crowd come down after a decent opener.

Cue Chris Benoit to say he doesn’t want the title this way, so it’s officially vacant. However, he’ll still have the ladder match against anyone that wants to face him for the title.

Cruiserweight Title: Madusa vs. Evan Karagias

Evan is defending and Madusa offered sex to get this show. After she earned the shot, Evan dumped Madusa for Nitro Girl Spice, making this just another title match but with man on woman violence because Russo is obsessed with this idea. Madusa dives off the top to take out Evan and Spice before sending him into the barricade. They head inside where Evan slaps her in the face and plants her with a powerslam, only to miss a Lionsault.

Madusa dropkicks him down but gets slammed off the top. A powerbomb puts Madusa down for two so Madusa powerbombs him right back. They head outside with Evan diving onto Madusa, but Spice gets on the apron to distract the champ. It’s just a ruse for the worst low blow ever, setting up Madusa’s German suplex for the pin and the title.

Rating: D-. So not only did they have a swerve, they had only the bare bones of a match as this was nothing more than a spot fest with no flow to it. Yeah Mysterio and Guerrera would do a bunch of spots, but at least they knew how to make them exciting. This was less than four minutes long and more about the fact that Madusa is a woman. In other words, they were trying to recreate Chyna without putting in the effort of building her up in DX all those years. That’s Russo’s philosophy: just go to the end goal without putting in any of the work and then blame the fans for not caring.

On the storyline front, let’s recap what just happened to Evan: he was duped into giving Madusa the shot by the offer of sex, then Madusa won the title shot again in a triple threat, then Evan got pinned on Thunder for no apparent reason, then the other woman, who was involved in this story to distract Evan, turned on him to give Madusa the title for no reason other than to mess with Evan, who made the mistake of being a champion and going after a pretty girl who seemed interested in him. Oh and Madusa hit cheated to win the title. I’m not sure if she was the face or the heel here, but I’m sure WCW didn’t know either.

Norman Smiley is dressed up like a Washington Redskin for his match with Meng. He certainly isn’t scared and ignore the scream when the producer tries to count him out of the interview. Sudden moves like that just are not necessary when Norman is a coiled spring ready to explode! Ignore the fact that the Hardcore Title is practically identical to the ECW Title.

Hardcore Title: Meng vs. Norman Smiley

Norman the coward is defending. They throw weapons at each other to start before Meng shoves the cart full of weapons runs Norman over. It’s in the back without Norman ever making it to the ring and Norman blasts him in the head with the chair for almost no effect. Norman runs away through catering before Meng slams him through a table.

Meng throws a cinder block at his head but Norman avoids the whole death thing. Smiley dives behind some boxes to hide, allowing Finlay and Brian Knobbs to come up and beat Meng down. Well kind of as Meng no sells the chair and trashcan shots until Finlay NAILS him with a lead pipe to knock Meng silly. Norman comes out and covers to retain.

Rating: D. Norman is a guy that tries so hard but can’t get out of this hardcore nonsense. This was your standard hardcore match with Meng dominating and Norman screaming a lot but somehow escaping for the title. In other words, it’s your standard TV match being held at Starrcade because Russo doesn’t know the difference between the shows.

Meng beats up Nick Patrick for reasons.

David Flair has a gold crowbar delivered to him and seems very happy.

Oklahoma and Steve Williams are ready. There’s nothing more to this segment.

Oh wait there is, as we cut back to see the Misfits kidnap Oklahoma.

We recap Jim Duggan vs. the Revolution, which is based around the idea of the Revolution thinking they’re a sovereign nation and wanting to deface the American flag. Bringing Duggan in makes sense there, but the Powers That Be says there’s nothing to his love of America and made him a janitor because that’s funny or something.

Jim Duggan/??? vs. Revolution

It’s Asya/Saturn/Malenko/Douglas here and we have no idea who the partners are here. If Duggan wins, the Revolution has to be the janitors for 30 days, but if Duggan loses, he has to denounce America. Duggan’s partners are…..the Varsity Club, a team which hit its peak in 1988/1989. In case you’re like, young or something, it’s Rick Steiner/Kevin Sullivan/Mike Rotundo with Leia Meow (ECW’s Kimona) as their cheerleader.

Shane sits in on commentary to make it a handicap match. Dean and Duggan start things off but Saturn comes in less than ten second in. The Varsity Club gets in some cheap shots in the corner before Duggan hammers away with forearms to the back. Dean comes in again for an elbow to the face and a slam, followed by the three point clothesline for two.

Saturn gets the same off a missile dropkick as Heenan points out that Duggan hasn’t tried to tag out. Just get to the swerve we all know is coming from here. Saturn misses a middle rope splash but Dean hits Jim in the head with a flag. Everyone comes in with the Varsity Club cleaning house, including tying Asya in the Tree of Woe for Sullivan’s running knee. Then they turn on Duggan because what else were they going to do here? Shane runs in for the pin as the Varsity Club keeps beating up Saturn on the floor.

Rating: F. This is STARRCADE 1999 and they bring out the Varsity Club? If they were going for some kind of nostalgia/history thing here, they completely missed the point as the Varsity Club’s biggest moment was when they were fighting each other, assuming anyone remembered/cared about that in 1999. As it is, this is just another four minute match capped off by a beatdown to make it a Jim Duggan story. What is the mass appeal here and who thought the one thing this show needed was MORE people running around?

Shane tells Duggan he has 24 hours before he has to renounce America. They drape the Revolution flag over him, only to take it right back off.

The Misfits have Oklahoma in a shark cage to make sure he stays out of the Vampiro match.

Vampiro vs. Steve Williams

If Vampiro wins, he gets five minutes with Oklahoma. The Misfits wheel out Oklahoma in the shark cage but he has a headset on and can still do his Jim Ross jokes because…..screw the sarcasm. This whole thing is stupid. Vampiro dives off the cage to take Williams out and the brawl begins on the floor. They head inside with Oklahoma yelling at the commentators. Williams fires off a chop so Oklahoma shouts CHOP over and over.

Some three point tackles take out Vampiro’s legs followed by some chops, but Oklahoma gets bored saying chop over and over. A belly to belly superplex sends Vampiro flying but brings in the Misfits. Williams cleans house with ease and suplexes Vampiro down again. He hammers on Vampiro but shoves the referee down (how have we not had a ref bump tonight?) for a DQ, setting up Vampiro vs. Oklahoma.

Rating: D. So their solution to make us care about Vampiro is to have him get beaten up until the referee gets knocked down while Oklahoma gets to do his same joke over and over and over and over and over. I feel like iTunes on repeat (who uses records anymore?) saying this but STOP USING THE SHOW FOR YOUR OWN STUPID JOKES THAT AREN’T EVEN FUNNY IN THE FIRST PLACE!

The five minute clock starts immediately.

Oklahoma vs. Vampiro

Security gets Williams out of here as we’re still waiting on Oklahoma to get out of the cage. Oklahoma gets in after about two minutes and kicks Vampiro in the head. More slow stomps connect before Vampiro hits a single chop, only to have Oklahoma nail two straight low blows. A quick Rock Bottom drops Oklahoma and the Misfits come in for some shots, which the referee doesn’t seem to mind. The Nail in the Coffin ends this mess.

To recap, Vampiro needed the help of a punk rock band (how many of the fans actually know who they are?) to beat Oklahoma, who beat the tar out of Vampiro for most of the “match”. Again, the announcers are getting the push at the sake of someone like Vampiro, who may or may not be entertaining but he’s an actual wrestler.

Russo tells Hennig/Shane/La Parka/Creative Control that he has something big planned for tonight so he can’t quite focus on their match. Thanks for letting us know about this an hour into the show instead of building it up for a few weeks, but they probably didn’t know a few weeks ago.

Stevie Ray tells Booker he won’t have his back tonight.

Harlem Heat/Midnight vs. Curt Hennig/Creative Control

The winning tag team is #1 contenders so Hennig and Midnight are just kind of here to fill in the roster, because Heaven forbid we just have a regular tag match. My goodness there are suddenly a lot of empty seats across from the cameras. I couldn’t have missed those earlier. There’s no Stevie so it’s a handicap match with more man on woman.

Gerald stomps Booker into the corner to start before no selling a spin kick to the face. So much for this one changing the tide of the show. We look at the ladder for later and come back with Midnight in without seeing what happened in between. I’m betting Gerald lost a Canasta game and had to allow the hot tag.

It’s quickly back to Booker who gets beaten down again but quickly gets over to tag in Midnight for some dropkicks. Hennig clotheslines her out to the floor and the heels take over again. Back in and Creative Control takes over on Midnight as Hudson talks about the big events of the night: the return of the Varsity Club and Disco being thrown into a car. We get the old “referee doesn’t see the tag” spot as Stevie Ray comes out, only to be sent to the back by Booker.

Midnight gets slammed down and Patrick drops some elbows for two. He misses the middle rope elbow though and Midnight gets over for the hot tag. It doesn’t count as Nick Patrick was “talking to Stevie Ray.” That’s true, but THEY WERE LOOKING AT THE TAG. As in Nick clearly realized he wasn’t supposed to see it and you can see him try to snap his head away in time so it doesn’t look that bad but it doesn’t work. Hennig sneaks in with a foreign object to knock Booker silly for the pin and a delayed bell.

Rating: D. As usual, this was an angle disguised as a match. On top of the match being boring for the most part and yet another woman being in there for the sake of being in there (Midnight was fine but the announcers spent the whole match talking about how awesome it was to have a woman in there, which just puts more attention on the fact that she’s nothing special), the gaffes like Nick seeing the tag made this a huge mess. Above all else though, I just do not care because I haven’t been given a reason to care. These people are just characters with little development so it’s really hard to get interested.

We recap Jarrett vs. Rhodes. Basically Dustin returned as something resembling a child abductor but he decided he wanted to be Dustin Rhodes because THAT has such a great track record for him. Jeff thought it was funny that Dustin’s dad got fired so the feud began again and of course it turned into a bunkhouse match to make it about cowboys and hardcore.

Dustin, wearing a Dusty Rhodes shirt, talks about the match but Jeff jumps him to start.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Dustin Rhodes

Jarrett runs Dustin’s knee over with a wheelbarrow and hits him in the throat with a kendo stick. They slam each other into the wheelbarrow before heading inside for the first time with Jeff taking a cowbell to the head. Well you knew the bullrope and cowbell were going to be involved somehow. Some bell shots knock Jarrett onto the announcers’ table but hitting him in the head with a metal bell doesn’t sound as good as throwing powder in Jeff’s face.

Dustin pulls out a whip and nails both Jarrett and the referee before duct taping the referee to the ropes. Jeff shrugs off a shot with some chaps (you think I care enough to react to that at this point?) and kicks Dustin low as Curt Hennig comes out to untape the referee. We hit the sleeper as Jarrett tries to make this wrestling for reasons I don’t understand.

Dustin finally suplexes his way out and gets two off a Boss Man Slam. Shattered Dreams connects but Hennig pulls the referee out at two. That earns Curt some Shattered Dreams of his own and all three head up to the entrance. Dustin plants Hennig with a bulldog but Jeff climbs the ladder and blasts him with a guitar for the pin.

Rating: D. Ok. What else do you want me to say here? Two guys who are feuding over someone not even working for this promotion anymore had a long (by this show’s standards) match and the heel had someone else come in to basically make it a handicap match. The good guy fought back and then the two beat him without anything overly interesting happening.

Jeff Jarrett continues to not by over but gets pushed to the moon (dig that huge win over DUSTIN RHODES!) because he beat up a woman in the WWF. These guys weren’t really putting in a ton of effort though and it’s clear that no one has anything special without some kind of character behind them. It’s just two old school style guys having a boring match and that’s not something I want to watch for eleven minutes.

David Flair makes the headless teddy bear stroke the golden crowbar. Somehow, there isn’t a single bit of innuendo in that entire sentence. Why David is wearing a Halloween Havoc shirt isn’t clear.

Page says his hands will have a crowbar in them tonight and then those same hands will give Flair a bang.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. David Flair

IT’S A CROWBAR ON A POLE MATCH!!! This is like Russo’s hit parade if I had to pay $30 to see it. This match is due to David stalking Kimberly after Kimberly slept with Ric Flair instead of David. So yeah, we have sex, insanity, illogical stories and a thing on a pole. Like I said, the hit parade rolls on. The crowbar is pitifully low as anyone of average height could reach it from the mat.

David sneaks up from behind with the gold crowbar (different from the one on the pole) but Little Naitch (who should be in David’s corner in theory) takes it away, because even if you’re insane and carrying a crowbar, you MUST follow the rules! The referee checks on Page and says the match will be a forfeit, but Page shoves Penzer away and wants to go.

We get the opening bell and David hammers away because how else was this going to be competitive? David counters a sunset flip and punches Page in the face for two. A clothesline gets the same as we’re still waiting on any attempt at the crowbar. Flair hits a low blow and puts on a Figure Four but Page turns it over for the break. Flair gets the crowbar, misses a swing and eats the Diamond Cutter for the pin.

Rating: F. Remember when Chris Jericho would lose and then go insane and beat the post with a chair? That’s how I feel here. There was no reason for this to be on pay per view or for this to be a gimmick match other than to make the match more believable. In other words, they can’t have a good match without making it a gimmick and the match can’t be good because it’s a gimmick. Who other than Vince Russo could book a sub four minute match into a paradox while almost completely ignoring the gimmick that causes the paradox in the first place?

Page gives him a middle rope Diamond Cutter post match and it about to hit him with the crowbar but the yet to be named Daffney runs in to cover Flair up. Page leaves instead of hit the crazy chick.

Heenan wants a beer. I don’t drink but can someone get me a hammer to crush my own skull?

We recap Luger vs. Sting, which has seen Luger treat Liz like garbage (more anti-women fetish material for Russo), which sent her running off for Sting to help him. At the same time, Luger “inadvertently” cost Sting some matches and kept trying to make it up to him, only making it worse in the process. Their match tonight is for Liz’s freedom, which she totally and completely wants of course.

Total Package vs. Sting

In the back, Sting gives Liz “super high octane” mace. The STEROIDS chant begins and Luger quickly sends Sting outside. Some whips into the barricade have Sting in more trouble before some elbows get two. Sting no sells a ram into the buckle and Luger gets caught between slaps from Sting and Liz. A double clothesline puts both of them down because of those two and a half DEVASTATING minutes of action.

Liz comes in to check on Luger and sprays the mace at Sting, but it’s silly string because Sting actually outsmarted someone!!!!! Even the announcers acknowledge how shocking this is. Sting makes his comeback and hits a top rope splash for two. A pair of regular Stinger Splashes look to set up the Deathlock but Liz comes in with the ball bat for a very loud sounding shot to the jaw for the DQ.

Rating: D+. I’m upgrading this because of the bat shot and the string. Other than that, this was a big mess with the whole thing not even breaking six minutes despite it being one of the bigger matches on the card. This changes nothing as Liz is freed from Luger but apparently wants to stay with him, making this whole thing a big waste of time. Imagine that.

Luger Pillmanizes Sting’s arm post match. Remember two years ago when Sting was in the biggest match in WCW history? How was that just two years ago?

To recap, that was the tenth match of the show and, assuming you count Madusa as a heel, the third match where the heel didn’t either win or get the last laugh after the match. Those three are Vampiro and the Misfits beating up Oklahoma (who dominated the “match”), Page over David Flair and Norman Smiley over Meng where Norman was treated like a goon all match. Is there any doubt why so many fans are leaving their seats halfway through the show?

We recap Sid vs. Nash in the powerbomb match. I’ve watched the shows setting this match up and now I’ve watched the video and I’m still not exactly sure why they’re fighting. They’ve fought a few times but I’m not sure why they started in the first place. Again though, I doubt WCW does either other than “hey, they’re both big!”

Sid Vicious vs. Kevin Nash

You win by using a powerbomb instead of a pin or a submission because we just couldn’t have either guy do a real job for the sake of…..probably some legal deal actually. Nash takes over to start and hits the framed elbow and a side slam for two. A low blow breaks up Sid’s powerbomb attempt and it’s time to go outside so they don’t have to wrestle. Sid hits him in the back with a chair but stops to tell the fans to shut up. Good grief dude at least know what you’re supposed to be doing out there. Back in and Sid tries to start a powerbomb chant but the fans are mostly silent. Well to be fair that’s what Sid wanted.

The referee FINALLY GETS BUMPED, right before Sid hits a powerbomb. Cue Jeff Jarrett with a guitar to knock Sid out cold. The referee slowly gets up and Nash loads up a powerbomb but his back is out. Now the referee turns around as Nash is holding his back and Sid is down. Nash: “Yeah I powerbombed him.” Referee: “WELL OK THEN!” Nash wins. Scott Hudson: “I refuse to refer to Nash as the master of the powerbomb!” Oh dang man. No Scott Hudson endorsement? This is a sham of a reign as powerbomb master!

Rating: F. Failure, freaking stupid, for the love of all things good and holy, for goodness’ sake, fire them both. Pick any two and that’s what the F stands for here. I actually had to get up and walk around for a bit before I started talking about this. They somehow booked a match built around one finisher and then they couldn’t even do that finish because Nash didn’t want to do the powerbomb.

From a kayfabe perspective, how freaking horrible do the referees in this company look? Ranging from staying down for five minutes off a single shot to not being able to see a tag literally three feet in front of them to saying “yeah, sure I’ll believe you when you say you powerbombed him. You would never lie”, these are the worst referees I’ve ever seen. Oh and then there’s Roddy Piper who has a young boy doing his work for him and who hears voices in his head. I would do a Randy Orton joke there but Orton is too good for this show.

Benoit says the open challenge is still, uh, open.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. ???

Ladder match and the title is officially vacant coming in The mystery opponent is……Jeff Jarrett, because why have two Jarrett segments when you can have three??? And my goodness did he change from jeans to gear in a hurry. It’s a brawl in the aisle to start with Benoit chopping Jeff into the ring. Something like an Irish Curse drops Jarrett and a superplex allows Benoit to go get the first ladder.

Jarrett gets up and hits a baseball slide to drive the ladder into Benoit, but Chris whips him into the ladder in the corner a few times to take over again. Benoit gets crotched against the ladder for something like a Russian legsweep out of the corner. Chris is busted open but still able to tie Jeff in the Tree of Woe in the standing ladder, only to find out that it’s hard to climb a ladder with someone hanging from the other side.

Both guys go up until Jarrett gets knocked down, followed by both guys going up and getting knocked over for nice crashes. In the best spot of the match, Benoit goes up but Jarrett dropkicks the ladder out from underneath him, sending Benoit down for a huge crash. Benoit is up first and dropkicks the ladder onto Jarrett but Benoit would rather drop a Swan Dive off the top of the ladder instead of grab the belt. Now he goes up and gets the belt for the win.

Rating: B. That might be high but anything above horrible would be ten times better than everything else on this show. Best match of the night here by about 19,000 years and naturally it only has ten minutes because we needed to give Oklahoma two matches and have the really stupid David Flair match instead of giving this another eight minutes. There isn’t much to say here other than the guys were doing big spots and making them look good. In other words, the polar opposite of everything else tonight.

We recap Goldberg vs. Hart, which started over Hart wanting to give Goldberg a title shot, and then became an Outsiders story involving the Tag Team Titles. Other than a few one off promos, these two have barely addressed each other.

Bret says he’s winning whether Goldberg likes it or not.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Goldberg

No DQ and there must be a winner with Bret defending. Instead of asking if we’re ready to rumble, Buffer tells us we’re ready because the fans would probably boo such a question out of the building for making this last even longer. You know how most of the time at Wrestlemania the main event eats up like 40 minutes? The bell here rings with just over thirteen minutes to go in the show. For some reason it would feel wrong if the main event of the biggest show of the year had more time than that.

They shake hands and we’re ready to go. Goldberg shoves him down out of a lockup to start but Bret takes him down with a headlock. That goes nowhere so Goldberg gorilla presses him into a powerslam for two. Goldberg tries that rolling leglock but Bret turns it into an early Sharpshooter attempt as only he could do. They fight outside with the referee getting bumped. It’s not even a big deal at this point.

Robinson comes out as a replacement and an overly excited (and likely drunk) fan is dancing badly in the front row. A big boot puts Hart down back inside but Robinson gets bumped on a hiptoss. Goldberg spears the turnbuckle as the third referee comes down to see Bret put on the Figure Four around the post. Back in and Bret starts in on the leg and puts on a regular Figure Four. The turn sends Bret running for the ropes so he wraps the leg around the middle rope in the corner.

Goldberg reverses and hammers away but referee number three goes down. There’s the Bret Killer superkick to set up the spear but a dejected Roddy Piper comes out to be the fourth referee. Bret, apparently having shrugged off the spear kicks Goldberg in the knee and MONTREAL STRIKES AGAIN as Piper calls for the bell before Bret turns the Sharpshooter over. Hudson: “NOT MONTREAL ALL OVER AGAIN!” Yes it’s Montreal all over again, because THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING THEY COULD POSSIBLY DO!

Rating: D-. The match was watchable but between the whole ending Bret Hart’s career and going back to a fake Montreal over two years later with Bret on the good end this time is one of the worst possible ideas they could have come up with. If you want Bret to keep the title on a screwjob then have someone lay Goldberg out from behind or whatever, but good night don’t do it like this. I mean, if this is the best they can think of, just close the doors now because Russo is clearly not what he’s cracked up to be (oh gee what an understatement) and they need to find ANYONE else to give the reigns over to immediately.

Piper hands Bret the belt and walks off to end the show.

Overall Rating: No. No no, no no no, no no, no no. This is flat out not acceptable as the biggest show of the year for any promotion, or as a show for any serious promotion actually. Where in the world do I even start? Well let’s start at the ending actually, as the main event was the longest match of the night at 12:07. This past week’s episode of Raw had two matches longer than that and that’s a run of the mill TV show.

Above all else, this felt like it could be any given filler pay per view where they’re not trying. I know WCW had mixed feelings about how big of a deal Starrcade really was, but at least they would usually give lip service to the fact that it’s the biggest night of the year. This felt like Fall Brawl or Uncensored instead of Starrcade and that’s a feeling that you can’t shake off no matter what.

Starrcade 1999 was Vince Russo with time to come up with his best possible ideas. Somehow he’s managed to produce the one of the worst Wrestlemanias and the one of the worst Starrcades of all time, IN THE SAME YEAR. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to do that in the span of about nine months? So much of this can be blamed on the writing and booking too. When you have thirteen matches in a show that runs less than two hours and forty five minutes, there’s very little the wrestlers can do to make the thing work.

The Mamalukes vs. Disco/Lash was the best match of the night until Chris Benoit and a ladder took their top spot. That’s almost inconceivable that a totally average tag match was as good as this show could do for about 80% of the card. These stories are thrown together with no real rhyme or reason to most of them and at some point the fans just gave up. Yeah, it worked back in the WWF in 1999, but it’s the same argument made about TNA now: why would I want to watch a lite version of the same stories with lesser and older talent doing the work?

There comes a point where you have to show your audience some respect or they’re going to turn on you. That’s where Russo doesn’t get the point: he thinks the fans are going to follow whatever he does because they’re watching a wrestling show and therefore aren’t that smart. That means he can throw some big series of swerves at us and expect us to just go with it with an explanation of “YOU DIDN’T SEE IT COMING!” and then somehow blame us for not getting it. I know this is rambling but after watching this disaster there’s no way to have any sort of coherent thought process.

It’s just one big surprise after another, but the problem is you can start to see the surprises coming about half an hour into the show. If you train your audience to expect a big swerve, it stops being a swerve and becomes part of the plot. Piper coming out at the end of the big swerve would have worked better if we didn’t have so many people turning on each other or one big surprise after another for two and a half hours leading up to it.

It doesn’t help that Piper is a legend and hasn’t had a good match in about seven years at this point but he’s being featured as a major plot point for a story that people don’t care about. The build for this show didn’t make me want to see it and then the show itself was horrible, making me have no desire to keep tuning in.

What is there that’s left untied here? Nash wins to show Sid is worthless, Hall is probably going to come back and take the title from Benoit, and we get to see more Jeff Jarrett. The big cliffhanger here is “WHY DID PIPER SCREW BRET???” If that’s the big question going into Nitro tomorrow, I have zero desire to keep watching this promotion, but I’m sure it’s my fault for not supporting Russo like he deserves for putting on all this EXCITING TV for me. Total disaster of a show and more like hitting a rock wall instead of starting some new chapter in the company’s history as the year is coming to a close.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Mayhem 1999
Date: November 21, 1999
Location: Air Canada Center, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Attendance: 13,839
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

It’s tournament time with the final four participants in the World Title tournament squaring off to find out who Russo has decided should be his first World Heavyweight Champion. Other than that, we have a bunch of stupid gimmick matches for stories that make next to no sense and are likely there to make fun of the WWF and expose the business as much as possible. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the tournament, which for some reason had 32 people involved (or however many it was when you take out all of the Madusas) and we hear about how the final four got here. Just so you know what’s going on, they recap EVERY SINGLE MATCH before they get to the important ones. Two and a half minutes into the recap, we know the final four names.

Opening video. Wait that wasn’t what we just watched?

The announcers, with Tony in a snazzy suit, preview the show and try to talk over the WE WANT FLAIR chants. I think this is the first time we hear the card in full.

WCW World Title Tournamet Semi-Finals: Jeff Jarrett vs. Chris Benoit

Guess who the fans are behind here. Jeff tries to jump Benoit from the bell but gets chopped into the corner for a tornado DDT for two. A top rope superplex gets two for Benoit less than two minutes in as he’s coming out swinging here. He misses a baseball slide but wins a quick chop off on the floor. That earns him a crotching against the post as the American takes over.

Back in and Jeff gets two off a powerslam (that’s a rare one for him) and almost drops him in a vertical suplex. There’s the sleeper as you can see fans posing to see themselves on the big screen. Normally I would say watch what you paid for, but I’d be stunned if a good chunk of that arena wasn’t papered. Benoit reverses into a sleeper of his own but Jeff belly to backs his way to freedom. Something like an Irish Curse (I won’t bother saying “Canadian Curse?” as it’s WAY too easy of a joke) sets up the Rolling Germans for two on Jeff and here are Creative Control to prevent a good match from breaking out.

Jarrett hot shots him to the floor but Benoit comes back in and rolls through a high cross body for two. A belly to back sets up the Swan Dive but Creative Control breaks it up and lays out Benoit, allowing Jarrett to hit the Stroke. Cue Dustin Rhodes to fight Creative Control as Benoit kicks out at two. The guitar is brought in but Benoit takes it away and blasts Jeff (totally against his character of course) to go to the finals.

Rating: B-. Dang it they almost had me there for a second. I almost thought we were going to get a good match from beginning to end between two talented guys who can work whatever kind of match you ask. But alas, it took three run-ins and a weapon to make this REALLY interesting. It was nice while it lasted though.

Benoit gets beaten down post match and the fans think Jarrett, who isn’t even involved in the show at this point but he used to be in the WWF and therefore matters, sucks.

Disco Inferno insists he cares about the title but is curious how much the gold is worth. He’s bet $25,000 on himself tonight because there’s NO WAY he could lose to Karagias. Jarrett and Creative Control lays him out due to frustration.

Cruiserweight Title: Evan Karagias vs. Disco Inferno

Disco is defending but is also running from gambling bosses who want the money he owes them. The banged up champion has Tony Marinara in his corner but Evan jumps Disco in the aisle, but the referee starts the match anyway. The bell rings and they get inside with Evan getting two off a clothesline. Marinara joins commentary to ask why Heenan is called the Brain. Heenan goes to answer but fugitaboutit. He’s Italian you see. Disco fights back but Evan does some leapfrogs into a dropkick for two. Feel the workrate baby!

A springboard twisting cross body gets two on the champ as the fans have died quite a bit since the opener. Imagine that. The announcers discuss what Schiavone is paid before talking about haircuts. Madusa offers a distraction and we get an awkward, mostly messed up sequence into a rollup from Evan for two. A nice Russian legsweep plants Karagias and the dancing elbow (complete with a kiss to Madusa) gets the same.

Disco throws him to the floor, unfortunately causing Madusa to walk towards the camera. Back in and Evan’s splash hits knees as the fans are REALLY not impressed. With Evan down, Disco goes outside to hit on Madusa. That goes as well as you would expect so Marinara gets leaves the booth to try his hand with Madusa. Evan goes after Tony, who gets chaired in the head by Disco. Tony: “What else can go wrong?” Oh you don’t want to ask that Schiavone. Evan hits a high cross body for the pin and the title, plus $25,000. That makes no sense but whatever.

Rating: D+. Here’s the problem: these matches aren’t cruiserweight style matches. They’re matches that happen to have cruiserweights involved. Evan wrestles a cruiserweight style but he’s just not very good at it. The gambling story is interesting but as usual there’s too much going on in the same match to keep track of it. It didn’t help that Marinara’s HORRIBLE Italian stereotype made the commentary even more horrible.

Bret Hart arrives half an hour into the show.

Russo tells a bloody Jarrett to prove himself by the end of the show or his favors are over.

Norman Smiley is scared of construction workers but is ready for the Hardcore Title match. Well he’s in luck then.

Hardcore Title: Norman Smiley vs. Brian Knobbs

The title is vacant coming in and I believe this is for the inaugural championship. I’ve seen this billed as a tournament final but I don’t remember anything but Knobbs getting to face the winner of a match. Norman comes out in Maple Leafs gear to keep the fans behind him. Brian hammers him down with whatever weapons he could find to start but misses a middle rope trashcan shot. Some hockey sticks onto the trashcan onto Knobbs has Brian in trouble but he breaks up the HARDCORE WIGGLE. That’s like the Big Wiggle, but HARDCORE. What’s HARDCORE about it isn’t clear but it’s 1999 so you have to say HARDCORE in a loud voice.

Knobbs finally has a good idea and takes off some of Norman’s pads, only to get nailed in the head with a trashcan lid. Norman goes after Jimmy Hart though, allowing Brian to knocks Smiley into the cart full of weapons. They stagger backstage and just happen to run into a waiting camera crew.

Knobbs sends him through a table and breaks a crutch over Norman’s back. They fight by the hamburger buns and Knobbs’ face is RED. Jimmy throws cans of soup at Norman and this is finally getting to be kind of entertaining. They fight into an elevator and the doors close…..but unfortunately open again with Jimmy hitting Brian with a trashcan by mistake to give Norman the pin and the loudest pop of his career.

Rating: C-. See, the way to make the hardcore matches entertaining is to take them out of the ringside area. These things are so much better when they get creative with them instead of just doing the same weapons spots over and over again. I mean, would you want to try to make something out of Brian Knobbs without mixing things up a bit?

Knobbs beats Norman up post match.

We recap the Revolution vs. the Filthy Animals, which is built around kidnapping Torrie Wilson. This story made little secret about it being a way to showcase Torrie, which was one of the best ideas they could have had here.

The Revolution wants to see Torrie get stuck alone without help.

The Animals speak whatever language they use. In a genuinely funny moment, Gene stares at Konnan, so Konnan asks if it’s the hat or the belt this time. Gene in a deadpan voice: “Hat.” Torrie is going to use the Revolution as toothpicks or something.

Marinara is bringing the boys to deal with Disco tomorrow. Disco thinks he’s a dead man.

Jarrett has a 2×4 and is going to deal with someone. That would be the fourth promo segment in 90 seconds on a pay per view.

Revolution vs. Filthy Animals

It’s Saturn/Malenko/Asya vs. Guerrero/Kidman/Torrie and this is elimination rules. Kidman and Guerrero storm the ring to start fast as Douglas sits in on commentary. That’s a very repetitive theme for WCW these days. Eddie backdrops Dean to officially start and the fans chant for Torrie. The guys fall to the floor so Saturn takes both of them out with an Asai Moonsault.

Kidman dives on all of them but a Canadian clown pokes Malenko with a Canadian flag. They treat it like a real fan but you never can tell around here. The girls go at it with Asya getting the better of it but walking into a BK Bomb. Eddie checks on Torrie but shoves Kidman into a rollup for the elimination. After about four seconds of the Revolution’s theme music plays, the Revolution guys jump Eddie and the Animals are in trouble. Saturn kicks Eddie in the back from the apron as Konnan leaves as well. Some teammate.

Asya suplexes Eddie for a round of applause, even though she would be an appetizer for Chyna. Off to Dean who gets dropkicked into the corner, setting up a hurricanrana from Eddie for the elimination. Not quite Hostile City Showdown but that might be entertaining. Saturn t-bones Guerrero down as Torrie is on the floor like a manager due to a bad ankle injury. Heel miscommunication (another running theme tonight) sees Saturn superkick Asya, setting up the Frog Splash to make it 2-1.

It’s Saturn with a northern lights suplex for two as you can see a “Who booked this crap” sign in the front row. Eddie gets out of a sleeper with a jawbreaker and puts on one of his own, only to get tossed down by a belly to back (not a t-bone Tony). A tornado DDT gets two for Eddie but he walks into the Death Valley Driver for a near fall, sending Douglas into a panic. Saturn misses his great looking top rope elbow but rolls through a high cross body into the Rings of Saturn to make Eddie give up. So it’s Saturn vs. Torrie with the girl kicking him low for two. Douglas low blows Torrie with his cast to give Saturn the pin.

Rating: C. This was decent due to the talent in there and Torrie in general but there wasn’t much of chance with how fast the eliminations went down. What was the point of the eliminations anyway? Other than having an unnecessary stipulation, I don’t know why they needed to put it out there. Couldn’t they put Torrie on a pole or something?

Jarrett and Creative Control lays out Bagwell, even though that would be hurting his chances to get rid of Hennig, even though the Powers That Be seem to want to get rid of Bagwell at the same time.

Curt Hennig vs. Buff Bagwell

Loser retires, which makes you wonder why the Powers That Be didn’t give Hennig this stipulation from the start. Or why Buff is in this stipulation at all. Creative Control and Jarrett come in to beat down Hennig and the bell rings as the attack begins. Bagwell comes out with the 2×4 to make the save but Hennig decks him anyway because both of their careers are on the line. The fans chant PERFECT as he takes it to the floor and walks Bagwell around ringside.

Hennig gets in a rant that I couldn’t understand on the headset before they head back inside. Buff knocks him right back to the floor for an ax handle off the apron. Back inside with Buff in control, which Tony interprets as being all Hennig. Curt takes over a few seconds later with a legdrop between Buff’s legs for a smattering of applause. Off to a sleeper (I believe the fifth of the night) before Hennig chokes Buff with Buff’s necklace. That goes nowhere so it’s right back to the sleeper.

An elbow drop with a biceps flex gets two for Curt but Buff claims gimmick infringement and takes control as a penalty. Heenan tries to say this is the most important match of their careers and you can tell he doesn’t believe a word of it. A Blockbuster out of nowhere (seriously, they were just trading punches before it hit) makes Hennig retire. They keep using the term “hang up his boots”, which he’ll probably do literally before taking a pair from the Powers and turning heel.

Rating: D-. I have no idea what happened in this story and it was clear that they just gave up trying about three minutes in. I’m still not sure how we got to this match and why the Powers want to get rid of either guy, but the match was horrible most of the way around. Bad stuff and why do I not believe Hennig is really gone?

Hennig gets a standing ovation from the respectful crowd.

Sting says we may be in Canada but it’s still Showtime.

To give you an idea of Russo’s pace, we’re not even halfway through this show and we have seven matches left. For a comparison, Wrestlemania XXX and XXXI had seven matches total.

WCW World Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Sting vs. Bret Hart

Recent DVD releases suggest that Bret is really proud of this one. Sting has already started wrestling in the t-shirt. They shove each other around to start and stare each other in the face before Bret wins a slugout. Tony: “Those have authority!” Something I’ve always wondered: whose authority is that?

It goes outside with Bret still in control before taking it back inside for the Five Moves of Doom. Sting, having seen ANY Bret match ever, is easily able to break them up. Yes, Sting was actually smart. It’s shocking I know but it does happen occasionally. Sting sends him into the buckle but Bret kicks him in the ribs. I guess his horrible knee injury from a few weeks ago is just fine now. A low blow from Sting (who seemed to have turned face again recently) puts Bret down and we hit sleeper number 8 or so tonight.

Back outside for some reason with being sent into the announcers’ table. The Stinger Splash hits the table (at least it wasn’t the barricade again) to change control and they head back inside. Sting pulls the referee in the way of a top rope forearm because we need to get to the interference. As luck would have it, here are Luger and Liz with the former hitting Sting in the knee with the bat.

Bret isn’t cool with that and puts Lex in the Sharpshooter, but that’s a DQ win for Hart. He doesn’t want it that way though so he goes through the Five Moves, gets kicked in the face, and counters the Scorpion into the Sharpshooter to make Sting tap. Again, Russo has no idea how his characters work.

Rating: D+. That’s what he was proud of? It was decent enough but as usual it turned into a brawl instead because neither guy seemed interested in doing a match. They need to pick a side for Sting, but NOT ONE THAT TAPS OUT. Just totally against his character but why should that matter to Russo? I mean, he’s just a wrestler. Interesting coincidence here: the two semi-final matches had exactly the same time at 9:27 each.

Sting shakes Bret’s hand to turn face again I guess.

Benoit says it would be an honor to beat Hart for the title in Canada.

Luger already has a surgical collar on and doesn’t think he can compete tonight against Meng.

Vampiro vs. Berlyn

Dog Collar match just because. You win by pins or submission. In case this isn’t enough, Dr. Death and Ferrara as JR come out with the latter doing commentary. Berlyn hits the referee with the collar as Ferrara lists off football stats. The Misfits are sent to the floor as Wall beats up Vampiro. Wall misses a big boot and gets crotched with the chain as Berlyn stomps on Jerry Only outside. That doesn’t hurt Wall’s bricks though so Vampiro slams him down.

Berlyn comes back in and stomps Vampiro down, only to have Wall put the collar around his own neck. A HUGE chokeslam puts Vampiro down and Wall covers for two. That angers Berlyn but the referee keeps counting anyway. Wall, minus the sunglasses now, throws the collar at Berlyn (Ferrara: “COLLAR! COLLAR! COLLAR!”) and walks away. Vampiro hits a spinwheel kick and throws him down with a release superplex. Now Only gets in for a double suplex, followed by a Vampiro camel clutch with the chain to make Berlyn tap. Vampiro and Berlyn were never attached by the chain.

Rating: F. Next. That’s all I’ve got. Next.

Williams beats up Vampiro and Only, because this whole mess was there so we could have a laugh at JR’s expense. It wasn’t a funny laugh but it was indeed a laugh.

Rick Steiner has forfeited the TV Title and, news to me, was scheduled to defend against Scott Hall tonight. Therefore Hall is now a double champion and issues an open challenge for both titles tonight.

Hennig leaves.

Kimberly is just getting here.

Meng vs. Total Package

Luger is wrestling in the surgical collar. Meng hammers on him to start and no sells a slam. That takes them to the floor with Meng dominating, but Tony thinks the neck brace is a way to block the Tongan Death Grip. And yes, that is EXACTLY the point of the thing. Back in and Meng tries the Death Grip to no avail. Meng chokes in the corner (should that work either?) and Luger screams for help. Luger: “HELP!” See? He screamed for help.

Luger tries a headbutt to about as much avail as you would expect and Meng runs him over a few more times. A kick to the face gets two and Meng chokes on the ropes, only to pull Luger up so Liz maces Luger by mistake (same deal that started the feud). Meng takes off the brace and puts on the Death Grip to win.

Rating: D-. A month ago Luger went over Bret on pay per view and now he’s jobbing to Meng in five minutes. This was a one idea match and it made Meng out to be a one move wrestler. I could have seen this sort of thing on Thunder but instead we get it late in the second hour of a pay per view. Only in Russo World. Also only in Russo World can Liz play Jimmy Hart to Luger’s Brian Knobbs and Meng’s Norman Smiley as it’s basically the exact same ending from an hour ago.

Bret says he’s been here for two years and is going to win the title he deserves. Luger can be heard shouting for Liz as he’s talking.

David Flair is polishing his crowbar in anticipation of holding Kimberly down against her will or making her scream that she can’t take it anymore.

TV Title/US Title: Scott Hall vs. ???

After the survey, with Hall saying Nash is on his way, the open challenge is answered by…..Booker T. Well he does deserve a big spot like this. If nothing else, Booker is the second young guy to get a shot at a main event star tonight. Ignore the commentators’ surprise after his music came on for a second and then went back off. Hall is insanely over because this is Canada and if you were over in the WWF, you were over forever. For life you might say.

Hall drives the shoulders in to start but Booker hook kicks him for two and some booing. A forearm puts Hall on the floor and he has to check for loose teeth. Back in and the chokeslam and fall away slam have Booker in trouble and a clothesline puts him on the floor. Hall puts on a sleeper and we’ve got Jarrett plus Creative Control. Tony makes sure to point out that they’re Patrick and Gerald because that’s so funny. Booker fights out and kicks both twins down but gets caught in the Outsider’s Edge to retain the titles.

Rating: D. It’s a shame too as this could have been a good match had they just let these guys fight. In theory this is just Booker getting screwed by the Powers and not Hall being on their side, unless there’s some grand scheme to get all the titles on a select group of Russo backed wrestlers. Nah that couldn’t happen.

Midnight comes out for the save.

Luger is still trying to find Liz.

We recap David Flair vs. Kimberly. So Kimberly tried to get David to sleep with her for reasons not clear, but she wound up sleeping with Ric instead. That sent David into insanity so she ran him over with a car. He was crazy enough to no sell it and has turned into a B-movie stalker ever since. Note that instead of Ric vs. Page in what could be a decent match, this is the best we can get.

Kimberly vs. David Flair

After running scared of David for weeks, Kimberly comes out in leather pants and a low cut backless top with a smirk on her face (she looks great in other words). David no sells a low blow and shoves the referee down, so Kimberly drops to her knees. You know what the fans are chanting. She unbuckles his pants and takes out the cup he was wearing before getting in some kicks as the fans turn on this mess. David stands up so here are Kanyon and Page (Why was he not with his wife all night???) to lay out Flair. Arn Anderson comes out to save David and gets beaten up by the tire iron. That’s the, ahem, match.

Anderson is taken out on a stretcher.

We recap the Goldberg vs. Sid rematch from last month where the match was stopped due to Sid’s excessive bleeding. Sid has kind of turned face since then so this should be interesting. Horrible of course but interesting.

Sid says he won’t say he quits.

Goldberg vs. Sid Vicious

I Quit match. The fans boo Goldberg to start and then INSTANTLY start chanting his name. That’s one fickle group. They start slugging it out before Goldberg even gets in the ring as Heenan says this is like the Super Bowl or the World Series. It heads to the floor immediately and the fans think Goldberg sucks. Back in and Sid’s cobra clutch slam gets a nice reaction. He slowly chokes and rips at Goldberg’s face and plants him with a pair of chokeslams.

Goldberg pops back up and cranks on the arm before picking him up and clotheslining him down a few times without letting go of the bad arm. The fans boo this out of the building as Goldberg puts on a horrible cobra clutch (Goldberg: “This is it.”) for the win with Sid passing out. Well having Goldberg’s hand on your forehead and holding your hand is indeed painful looking.

Rating: F-. This was supposed to be Hart vs. Austin, but that was four times longer than this, had two competent wrestlers, and a ton of emotion. Oh and that whole iconic image thing. Instead, as usual with Russo, they tried to get to the ending without putting in the effort first and it looks like a disaster instead of what they were going for.

Luger says Liz knows she screwed up and he’ll find her.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Chris Benoit

Feeling out process to start until Bret takes him down in an armbar. A headlock puts Bret down for one and they hit a pinfall reversal sequence, capped off by a Crossface attempt to send Bret into the ropes. The fans are WAY into this one as they know one of their heroes is coming out champion.

Benoit gets sent to the floor and the Canadian Clown from earlier jumps the barricade to attack him with the flag. It’s Dean Malenko in something else he probably hated doing. Bret chases him off and piledrives Benoit for two. A belly to back gets two on Hart and both guys are already beaten down. The tombstone and Swan Dive get two more as we have Outsiders (late to break up the pin so Bret had to make an awkward kickout).

They nail the referee so Goldberg comes out to deal with them. That earns him a chair to the back but Bret helps fight them off as we’re left with Benoit vs. Goldberg in the ring. A new referee comes out as Goldberg fights the Outsiders on the stage. The screen splits to show the three of them fighting in the back while the WORLD TITLE is being decided in the ring. Benoit goes after the leg but the Figure Four sends Bret right to the ropes.

With the knee suddenly fine again, Bret scores with a backbreaker followed by a superplex. Bret starts in on the back and throws Benoit to the floor, where Benoit is pelted with trash. Back in and Chris rolls some Germans but can’t get the Crossface. Instead Bret sweeps the legs and puts on the Sharpshooter for the submission and the title.

Rating: B. Well that was…..well it was something. It’s the best wrestling match in the Russo Era so far, but that’s covering some very shallow ground. The ending being clean helps this a lot and gave it the legitimacy it was needing. However, this brings up the same question that comes up every night: what was the need for the interference? What did those three coming to the ring add to this match in the slightest? They even threw in a split screen to make sure you knew they weren’t doing anything important. Bret winning the title is a good thing, though it should have been a year ago at the latest.

Bret’s family comes in to celebrate and he hugs Benoit. Tony says this is just another day in Bret’s career to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. The opener and main events carry this as far as they can but the rest drags it down through the floor, the concrete and the upper half of the earth’s mantle. Way too much interference and nonsense throughout the show cripples it as the stuff they have ranges from not making sense to being there just to pad out the show in the place of wrestling. It’s clear that they have no idea what they’re doing on a wrestling show and somehow it’s only going to get worse. The wrestlers are trying where they can, but they’re fighting a guerrilla war against people that hate what they do and why they’re there.

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Halloween Havoc 1999
Date: October 24, 1999
Location: MGM Garden Arena, Las Vegas, Nevada
Attendance: 8,464
Commentators: Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

The Russo Era is officially upon us as we got a big time preview this past Monday. However, this show is the real thing with Russo getting to direct where things go from here. Expect to see a lot more pointless talking, a lot more insanity and a lot more shouting about what I did to deserve this. Let’s get to it.

The opening video focuses on Sid vs. Goldberg and mentions the whole “Goldberg can’t touch him” bit, which has basically been ignored. Hogan vs. Sting gets even less hype.

A LOUD Weasel chant is ignored by Heenan as Tony announces that due to Rey Mysterio being injured, the Filthy Animals have been stripped of the Tag Team Titles. The solution? A triple threat hardcore title match for the belts with Kidman substituting for Mysterio. Well why bother having a match when you can just make it hardcore? They run down the rest of the card in case you bought the show blind.

The big demon holding the pumpkin set is back. That thing is so cool looking and deserves to be on a better show.

Cruiserweight Title: Disco Inferno vs. Lash Leroux

Lash is challenging so Disco starts fast with a clothesline and stomps in the corner. A DDT plants Leroux again and it’s time for choking. Lash comes back with a dropkick and slam for two. Totally basic stuff so far. Some Cajun dancing sets up a clothesline for two more as Heenan suggests holding ropes of trunks.

They head outside with Disco sending him into the steps, only to get caught in a nice belly to belly back inside. It’s a bad sign when fans are already going for popcorn in the opening match. Or did people even show up for those seats in the first place? Lash puts on a chinlock in a rare move for a good guy, which might explain why it doesn’t go anywhere.

The Last Dance (or is it still the Chartbuster?) is countered into a backbreaker but Disco escapes Whiplash (which Tony didn’t seem to recognize) as well. The swinging neckbreaker gets two for Disco and Heenan again wants trunks pulled. Lash lifts him up for something like a sitout ProtoBomb (Tony: “THAT’S HIS MOVE!” No Tony, it isn’t.”) for his closest near fall yet but the Last Dance retains the title a few seconds later.

Rating: D+. The wrestling was acceptable but this was a horrible choice for an opener. An opening match is supposed to get the fans into the rest of the show. Instead this was just a basic match with almost no high flying or exciting moments, making it completely against the idea of a standard cruiserweight match. It didn’t help that Lash pretty much got squashed here and never even had major control. Just an odd choice and nothing interesting.

Post match Lash hits Whiplash (Tony: “THAT’S HIS MOVE!”) on the belt. What a jerk. They might as well turn Disco face as he’s pretty over with the fans.

Malenko and Benoit arrived earlier in the day (because they work here) and run into Saturn. He hasn’t heard from them lately, but Dean and Chris are done with the Revolution. In other words, after months of building up the Revolution and then feeding them to the First Family and Sid, we’re likely in for a feud between the members, making the entire team as close to a waste of time as you can get.

Harlem Heat is ready to survive the Tag Team Title match tonight because that’s what they’ve done their whole lives. Stevie doesn’t want those no talent fruit booties to forget it.

Tag Team Titles: Kidman/Konnan vs. Harlem Heat vs. Brian Knobbs/Hugh Morrus

The titles are vacant coming in. Penzer: “This match will be fought under street fight rules!” Heenan: “Oh no.” The First Family wears Halloween masks to the ring. Kidman and Konnan on the other hand wear the title belts to the ring despite Kidman never winning one. Kidman has a camera with him as well. The First Family has weapons with them for an early advantage and there are two referees here. You can see the screwiness from a mile away.

Booker throws Brian into the fans and Stevie nails Kidman in the head with a trashcan. All six get back in to make my life easier with Morrus nailing Kidman with a clothesline for two, thanks to Kidman grabbing the ropes. Stop having that rule in hardcore matches. Falls count anywhere should include in the ropes. Booker goes after Jimmy Hart and gets blasted with a trashcan. That doesn’t interest him enough to sell though so Harlem Heat double team Knobbs and throw him through a Styrofoam casket.

Morrus drops Kidman ribs first onto an open chair (ow) as Knobbs and Booker fight into the back. It’s table time in the ring as Knobbs hits Booker with a water jug. For some reason, Tony finds this funny. No Laughing Matter puts Konnan through the table but in the back, Booker hits Knobbs with a mummy for a fast counted pin and the titles before Morrus can pin Konnan.

Rating: D-. So to recap, this is likely setting up Harlem Heat vs. the First Family again, meaning we’re right back to where we were about a week ago. The match was your standard messy WWF hardcore match with gimmicky weapons and no semblance of wrestling in the slightest. In other words, Russo thought it was great and the novelty is going to wear off quick. Or make me want to watch Road Dogg vs. Al Snow who were better at these things.

As Harlem Heat comes back in we hear a three count and a bell, which apparently was Kidman pinning Morrus. How that came about after the No Laughing Matter isn’t clear because we needed to watch Harlem Heat walking from the back. Why is Russo so obsessed with watching people walk through the back? It took up like ten minutes on Nitro and now it screws up the result of a match. I mean…..IT’S WALKING. You still see this stuff to this day on Raw and Impact and I still don’t get it.

Also Konnan might have injured his collarbone. Oh good. He can still walk in the back. Mysterio and Torrie (who really, really agrees with the Filthy Animals look) come out to stare from the entrance.

The Flairs storm into the arena with Ric holding a crowbar.

Here are Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly for our first talking segment of the show. Kimberly says fourteen times, which isn’t the amount of times Flair won that stupid belt. That’s the number of times Ric spanked her recently, but when she and Page are together, that’s just a warmup. This would be the pointless sexual part of the show.

Page hates Flair and promises that Ric will never forget him. Kimberly invited David Flair to her room in an obvious swerve (Page’s words) and Ric showed up, but can only spank her? Page has Flair’s spank, and guess where he points. Page: “Let’s whack it, and let’s jack it all night long.” Before this takes a VERY weird turn, Page wants to make the match tonight a strap match. This is another of those ideas which really didn’t need to happen and all the innuendo got old in a hurry, like almost every Russo idea actually.

Goldberg is looking for Sid.

Kidman and Torrie tell Eddie that they’ll have his back tonight. Eddie thinks he should call Rey on the way to the hospital. Guerrero is wearing a Rolex, which he probably stole from Ric on Monday.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Perry Saturn

Eddie lets Heenan hold the watch for some reason. They dive around each other to start until Saturn grabs a hot shot for two. Back up and Eddie throws him to the floor and then into the barricade. The lack of extended selling continues as Saturn gets two off a pop up powerbomb. Heenan wants the number of a 24 hour pawn shop while Saturn cranks on an armbar.

Off to a cross armbreaker followed by a chicken wing with a headscissors (cool looking move). That goes nowhere so Eddie dropkicks Saturn for two, only to walk into a t-bone suplex. Saturn switches up the target by going after the knee with a variety of leg locks. Eddie grabs a wristlock on the mat before going with a short arm scissors. The lifting counter slam and a Lionsault get two for Saturn but Eddie brainbusters him back down.

The frog splash misses though and Saturn hits a springboard dropkick. Eddie goes up but gets crotched with a superkick to the knee, allowing Saturn to superplex him down. They head up top again with Eddie reversing Splash Mountain (Razor’s Edge bomb) into a superplex, but here’s Ric Flair with a crowbar to knock Eddie out for the DQ. Why do I have a feeling that’s the closest we’ll get to a regular match with a regular ending all night long?

Rating: C. The match was pretty dull but they were getting going when we got to the stupid ending. I’m so glad we set this stupid angle up on Monday and Flair was so angry that he waited eleven minutes before coming down to break it up. As usual though, this was about the angle instead of the wrestling, which makes the match we got seem like a waste of time.

Kidman and Torrie come out so Flair blasts Kidman with the bar and kisses Torrie. She doesn’t seem to mind that much. I have zero issue looking at Torrie more tonight. Ric comes back to remember the story and gets his watch back.

We cut away from the replay to see Goldberg punching Sid. Security breaks them up and Sid is a bloody mess. Heenan: “He looks like he took 50 tomatoes to the face.” Potatoes more than likely.

Here’s Buff Bagwell for another talking segment. He has a problem with the two new writers from up north who are here to save WCW. Oh geez here we go. He also has a problem with Jeff Jarrett because Buff isn’t on the show tonight. The line doesn’t make any more sense in context. Bagwell tells Heenan to get Jeff out here but Jeff is here because Buff even turns to talk to Bobby.

The fight is on with Buff a face again and fired up after being uninterested on Monday. That’s another story we’re not going to reference again isn’t it? Jeff starts to get the better of it so Luger comes out for the save, only to hit Buff with the guitar by mistake. I guess this is due to Liz being knocked out with a guitar next to her. I still think she did it to herself.

Sid is getting stitched up and throws the cameras out.

An injured Eddie calls Rey and tells him to get back to the arena. Isn’t Rey injured?

Brad Armstrong vs. Berlyn

Naturally Brad wears an American flag shirt to the ring. They lock up to start with Berlyn cartwheeling out of a wristlock. Berlyn suplexes Brad down as Tony reads off a sweepstakes result. A pop up powerbomb gets two on Armstrong followed by some stomps. The dull match continues with Berlyn hitting him in the corner as Tony talks about ANYTHING but this match. Brad grabs the rope to counter the neckbreaker and quickly covers Berlyn for the pin. It’s as sudden as it sounds.

Rating: F. This was on pay per view, meaning it’s a failure by definition. Somehow this was the best they could have done as they kept it short but this really could have been done on TV for the same result. Dull match and the Berlyn push thankfully is done. He never got a fair shake though, after the Duggan match last month and then this mess.

The bodyguard and Berlyn lay out Armstrong post match.

Flair says he has his watch back and is ready to fight the Animals anytime. He brings up the spanking again, which is becoming a thinner and thinner veil for what they really want to say but can’t on TV. Torrie got some of Flair tonight so Kimberly is up next.

TV Title: Chris Benoit vs. Rick Steiner

Benoit is defending after beating Steiner for the title the night after Fall Brawl. Steiner immediately heads to the floor, just after Tony says that wouldn’t happen in this match. I can always get a chuckle out of Tony being wrong. We play keep away for a bit until Rick nails him coming back in. A huge Steiner Line nails Benoit and Rick hits his backdrop powerslam for two. Tony calls this power wrestling, which I guess is the new definition for “we won’t fire this guy so sit through this awful stuff.”

Rick goes up but Benoit grabs a superplex, which Steiner isn’t even polite enough to sell for more than about four seconds. The threat of the Crossface sends them back to the floor with Steiner sending him into the barricade to take over again. Rick screws up the timing coming out of the corner (I’m shocked too), meaning he has to intentionally walk into a dropkick for two. It looked horrible but that really shouldn’t surprise anyone at this point.

A low blow puts Benoit down because Rick doesn’t know how to wrestle a match to get control. Off to a lame leg lock which doesn’t seem like it would be very painful, but it lets Rick take a break after this grueling six minutes of work. Benoit misses another dropkick so Rick rubs his face into the mat. An attempt at a sunset flip counter to a powerbomb goes badly as well with Rick not even leaning back to be taken over, leaving Benoit to crash to the mat instead.

Benoit gets one off a small package but stays on the mat instead of getting up so Rick can’t botch anything else. Instead Rick just hits him in the back of the head and puts him in the reverse Tree of Woe. Rick hits some release German suplexes for two with Benoit just crashing harder and harder each time. The fans aren’t pleased until Benoit counters a suplex into a DDT to get a breather.

Benoit chops away in the corner and rolls some Germans. Tony: “THIS IS A CLASSIC!” The referee eats an elbow to the face so Steiner brings in a chair. Benoit hits a suplex and does a Van Daminator with a right hand instead of a kick. He loads up the Swan Dive but Steiner throws the chair at him on the way down. Cue Malenko to SHOCKINGLY turn on Benoit by nailing him with the chair, giving Steiner the pin and the title because SCREW WCW AND THEIR LOVE FOR RICK FREAKING STEINER.

Rating: D. There’s only so much Benoit can do when he’s in a mess like this. Rick beat Benoit up for twelve minutes and Benoit was barely ever on offense. What is Benoit supposed to do in something like this? On top of that, let’s mess up the Revolution and get rid of their most popular and successful member for the sake of a SWERVE. Maybe this gets Benoit on to something bigger, but my goodness, couldn’t he drop the TV Title to…..oh I don’t know…..SATURN OR MALENKO?

Saturn and Malenko hug in the aisle. Saturn: “Hi Shane.” Heenan: “DOUGLAS COULD BE BEHIND THIS!” Because Shane Douglas gets to come in and be some mastermind I guess.

Bret still has an injured ankle and shouldn’t be wrestling tonight. Luger may have cost him the World Title last week, but this week he’s going to be excellently executed. This was the first logical and well done segment of the night and it lasted all of 45 seconds.

Total Package vs. Bret Hart

Bret goes right after him to start and takes Luger outside to send him into the announcers’ table. Tony: “This is a very hard table!” Back in and Bret rakes the eyes across the ropes and chokes in the corner as this has been completely one sided so far. They head outside again with Bret ramming him into various objects, only to go after Elizabeth. Eh I can’t blame him with her in that dress.

Luger’s cheap shot fails and Bret sends him into the barricade and back inside. Luger finally goes to the eyes to take over but Bret hits him in the back to regain control. We hit the Five Moves of Doom but Luger breaks the Sharpshooter with another thumb to the eye. They fall out to the floor and Bret is holding his ankle again. Back in and Luger wraps the leg around the ropes before putting on a half crab for the submission. Seriously.

Rating: D. Luger’s entire offense for this match: two pokes to the eye, a right hand, a kick to the leg, bending the leg around the rope and the half crab. This is one of those matches where all of the premises don’t add up to the conclusion. Bret having a bad leg coming in and selling it throughout is fine, but my goodness. LEX LUGER just made Bret tap to something other than the Torture Rack on pay per view. Just…..think before you do things WCW. Please?

Goldberg promises to separate Sid’s head from his body.

Here’s Madusa in a swimsuit to shill Nitro cologne. She gets on the announcers’ table and pours it over Heenan, swears about the Powers That Be, and leaves. Apparently it smells horrible. Tony: “I love my job.” This has been a moment.

We recap Sting vs. Hogan. Sting turned heel to win the title last month at Fall Brawl because WCW is stupid, and tonight is the rematch.

WCW World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Sting

Hulk doesn’t come out at first, Sting comes out, Hogan eventually comes out in street clothes (I don’t want to know what street) and lays down for the pin in three seconds. That would be Hogan’s last match until February. Any guesses as to how much of an explanation we get on this idiocy?

We’re on a Goldberg vs. Sid video before Hogan is even out of the ring and the first part is covered by Sting music. They mention the Goldberg can’t touch him bit and don’t bother explaining. At one point the video cuts back to the crowd because WCW is run by a bunch of stupid monkeys. The fans are booing this out of the building and can you blame them?

US Title: Sid Vicious vs. Goldberg

Sid is still a bit bloody from earlier in the night. Hall and Nash jump Goldberg during the entrance, further making me wonder why he has six state troopers flanking him. Is it in case one of the boys takes a shot at him in the back? Sid jumps Goldberg in the aisle and the brawl (this won’t be a match) is on. Goldberg shrugs it off and drops Sid over the barricade.

The referee stops things so Sid can blade again but Sid comes up swinging. It really seems like they’re trying to make Sid out to be a face here. A big boot drops Goldberg and we hit a camel clutch. Goldberg does an impressive power up into an electric chair drop for two and cranks on the neck. The blood is just flowing out of Sid’s head. They slug it out even more with Sid getting weaker from the blood loss. Tony: “This is the darnedest thing I’ve ever seen.” Is it Tony? Is it the darnedest? Goldberg hammers him even more in the corner and Sid falls to his knees to make the referee stop it.

Rating: D+. The blood looked great but if they’re trying to do the Austin turn at Wrestlemania XIII (note that Goldberg didn’t turn here and wrestled like he always does), they’re really missing the point. I’m not going to care about Sid after all those months of destroying cruiserweights and not selling for Benoit because he had a great cut in a seven minute match and didn’t even get pinned. Try again WCW, because this isn’t going to work.

Rick Steiner helps Sid to the back. Do you want him to be a face or not? To be fair it wasn’t really clear, but Sid wanting to walk out on his own and wanting to fight Goldberg again looked like a face move to me.

Heenan tries to say Sid’s streak is intact to keep up the stupid story.

We look at Ric and Kimberly in the hotel on Monday. This comes off as an excuse to see Kimberly in lingerie. That’s not a complaint by the way.

Here’s Sting to say he came here for a fight, so if anyone wants a shot at the belt later tonight, come get him.

Ric Flair vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Strap match with the two of them tied together and wins coming by pin or submission. Just bring the Filthy Animals out now to get this over with. Page hides on the floor to start before they trade shots in the corner. They head outside with Page being pulled into the post before going up the aisle and into the crowd. Page nails him in the back with the strap but Flair chops him back.

To ringside again with Flair kissing Kimberly. He’s had a good night so far. Page hammers away and busts Flair open, though it’s not as good as Sid’s cut. They slug it out for a good while before Page takes him to the announcers’ table for a whipping. Back in and Flair hits him low to take over again, followed by more chops and a second low blow. They’re really not trying anything special here.

The knee drop misses Page’s head as is the custom and it’s time to go for the leg. Flair wraps the strap around Page’s throat and puts on the Figure Four, only to have Page make the ropes. Now it’s Page hitting him low a few times to take over, setting up the Diamond Cutter for….the finish but not a pin. It’s a weird ending as Robinson counts twice, Flair moves his foot a bit, and Robinson stops before three but calls for the bell anyway. I think Flair was supposed to get his foot on the ropes but didn’t make it.

Rating: D+. This might have been the second best match of the night, but some of that might have been due to how much time it got. The strap really didn’t add much and this could have been any given regular match but I guess they wanted to tie it into the spanking idea. I’ll give you a minute to think about Page and Flair spanking each other.

Page nails the referee and chokes Flair with the strap, only to have Kimberly stop David’s interference. She hits David low and hands Page the crowbar to nail Ric in the ribs and between the legs. David is thrown in as well for a Diamond Cutter as medics come in to help the Flairs. The Filthy Animals jump out of the ambulance to jump Ric. I really don’t see why Mysterio was injured but this gives me another excuse to look at Torrie so whatever.

Sting vs. ???

We have less than nine minutes to go in the show counting entrances. Answering the challenge: Goldberg, because screw Starrcade and drawing money and all that. No US Title with him of course. Tony says this is non-title despite Sting issuing a challenge for a title shot. Sting heads outside before the bell but actually has a point: there’s no referee. Cue Charles Robinson with no injuries from the previous match for the opening bell with less than six minutes to go in the show.

Goldberg kicks away in the corner and hits an awkward clothesline. They head outside with Goldberg in full control and sending Sting into the barricade for about the millionth time tonight. Goldberg clotheslines the post, allowing Sting to hit the top rope splash for two. Sting spears Goldberg down but Goldberg pops to his feet and kicks him in the face. The real spear hits the buckle, setting up three straight Stinger Splashes. That goes nowhere and it’s spear and Jackhammer for the pin in just over three minutes.

Rating: C. This was actually entertaining while it lasted but my goodness they just wasted their guaranteed Starrcade main event for a three minute match. But hey, at least it was surprising! No one knew it was coming and there was no way to make extra money off the match but at least it shocking.

Goldberg is handed the belt and announced as the new champion. Tony thinks there might have been some confusion but I’ll chalk it up to Tony being stupid. Goldberg leaves so Sting yells at the referee about it not being a title match. Robinson gets a Death Drop to end the show. So let me get this straight: Sid might be a face and Sting is a heel. What kind of bizarre world have I stumbled into?

Overall Rating: D-. Yet somehow, I didn’t hate this. I don’t know if it was just the show being far less dull than their recent disasters (namely Fall Brawl) or it actually being WAY tighter than Monday’s nightmare, but I didn’t hate this show. Now that being said, this show is still a disaster, wasting all kinds of potential money and throwing stuff at the screen with the hopes that something sticks, but it could have been worse.

Keeping these acts short was the best thing they could have done, as it keeps the fans from getting too insulted by what they’re sitting through. It’s a horrible show for sure, but there’s something about it that I kind of liked. Granted that might have just been Kimberly and Torrie looking great on multiple occasions but the show was such a switch over the messes I’ve been sitting through that it was hard to hate.

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Fall Brawl 1999
Date: September 12, 1998
Location: Lawrence Joel Veterans Memorial Coliseum, Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Attendance: 7,491
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan

Well we had to get here eventually, even though I don’t think people wanted to. The main event here is Sting vs. Hogan for the title and Goldberg vs. Page because those are fresh matches. We also get to see the Revolution rising up the card in a big No DQ tag match and Benoit defending the US Title against one of the draws in Sid, who is nice enough to give Benoit a main event rub. This is also the first show without Bischoff at the helm so some of the details could be interesting. Let’s get to it.

We open with a video that looks like it’s inspired by the Matrix with rapid fire text behind shots of Sting, Luger and Hogan as they talk about who can trust each other. Hogan will NEVER screw Sting of course.

The announcers, all wearing black ribbons in honor of Mark Curtis (nice touch), aren’t sure who should trust who either. Sid is officially 79-0 coming into tonight, because they wanted to match Goldberg’s Streak but couldn’t even keep their fake wins even with Goldberg fighting for the title in his 75^th match.

Video on the Clowns vs. the actual wrestlers. The point of the video is about whether they’re wrestlers or musicians plus something about Eddie and Vampiro not liking each other in Mexico. Nothing is mentioned about the Clowns and Vampiro recruiting various wrestlers, making it even more pointless than it seemed before.

The set is a big FALL BRAWL sign with the letters being used as the video screen. As I’m sure you can guess, this makes the video almost impossible to see, meaning WCW managed to screw up the idea of A BIG SCREEN.

Insane Clown Posse/Vampiro vs. Eddie Guerrero/Rey Mysterio Jr./Kidman

Same opener as last month. Mysterio now has bleached blond hair and the same attire as Kidman. We pause a bit as the heels are scared because they’ve never seen the color yellow. Xanthophobists. The stalling begins as Heenan points out the resemblance between Violent J. (with hair as blond as Mysterio) and Brian Knobbs. Kidman and Shaggy finally get things going with Shaggy sending Kidman into Vampiro’s boot. A dropkick puts Mr. 2 Dope (or is it Mr. Dope? His parents gave him the middle name 2?) down and they botch a wheelbarrow slam into a guillotine legdrop from Rey.

Eddie adds the slingshot hilo and the Clown is in early trouble. Mysterio hits the springboard falling splash before throwing him over for a tag to J. A catapult sends him into the buckle and the Clowns do the fake tag bit to bring in Vampiro. It’s off to Kidman who dropkicks Vampiro back into the corner, meaning we get more Clowns. Oh how blessed we truly are. J. scores with a chop (wow he can stick his hand out!) and it’s back to Vampiro for a good powerbomb on Kidman (that’s twice in two weeks. Kidman must be sick) for two.

A top rope spinwheel kick to the hands gets two for Vampiro as Tony gets in the revelation of the night, saying he used to braid his hair like Vampiro. Thankfully Tenay doesn’t let that by but Tony gets away from it as fast as he can. Back to J. for a weak chop before Kidman nails him with a clothesline. Rey comes in with the springboard seated senton and a Lionsault for two but the Clowns cheat to take Mysterio outside. Shaggy even needs help whipping Rey into the barricade.

Back in for a chinlock and some horrible stomps from Shaggy. Vampiro goes after Eddie and Kidman but it allows Rey to tag in Eddie to speed things up. A quick mule kick puts Guerrero down though and it’s back to J. for a side slam. Shaggy drops a top rope legdrop, which barely grazes Eddie’s forehead for two. There is zero reason to allow them to do high risk moves like that when they clearly can’t do them right. If nothing else it’s not fair to Eddie to lay there with his head and neck in danger like that.

Everything breaks down and Shaggy and Vampiro HORRIBLY botch something like a 3D with Vampiro sitting instead of falling and Shaggy losing his grip on Eddie, turning it into more of an assisted backdrop than anything else. Rey is down on the floor and seems to be hurt. Vampiro gutwrench superplexes Kidman but eats a missile dropkick from Eddie, who looks ticked off. The shooting star from Kidman is enough to pin Vampiro.

Rating: D-. I feel so, so sorry for the Filthy Animals here as they were in there with guys who had no business in the ring and had to babysit them. Eddie had to take that legdrop on his head and the botched 3D and Mysterio got hurt (might not have been the Clowns’ fault to be fair). These guys should be on the Revolution’s level right now (Eddie would be fine as a mouthpiece instead of Shane) but instead they’re in these bad opening matches because they have one talented guy to work with instead of three, putting them at a huge and unsafe handicap.

The Revolution guarantees a clean sweep tonight.

We recap Lenny Lane winning the Cruiserweight Title, which is basically just him sending Rey into Lodi and rolling him up for the pin. Kaz Hayashi pinned Lenny in a match against Lodi and that’s enough for the title shot. Of course these guys couldn’t keep an eye on the Clowns while the other three fight over the title.

Cruiserweight Title: Kaz Hayashi vs. Lenny Lane

Lodi has at least toned it down a bit and is just covered in glitter and wearing leather pants. It’s amazing how much different Tony is without Bischoff around as he’s staying on the stories and matches without saying anything overly stupid. Feeling out process to start until Lane prances around the ring. Kaz fires off some kicks to the leg and kicks Lenny in the back to pull him down into a sunset flip for two. That’s a new one. A nice headscissors sends Lane to the floor and he jumps into Lodi’s arms in an old standard. Kaz dives onto both of them and the champ is still in trouble.

Lodi finally gets something right by tripping Hayashi to give Lane control. A sitout wheelbarrow slam gets two on Kaz and it’s time to pose. Lane hits a nice sitout gutwrench powerbomb for two as this match is actually pretty good so far. Kaz gets back up and sends Lenny outside for a big flip dive. The advantage is short lived though as Lodi gets in a cheap shot to give Lenny control again.

We hit the chinlock with Chris Jericho look-a-like Lenny Lane telling the referee to ask him. Hayashi escapes a German suplex and gets two off a standing hurricanrana, only to get bulldogged down for the same. The champ gets caught in a belly to back and a running Liger Bomb out of the corner gets two more with Lodi making the save. You can tell Bischoff is gone as Tony actually knew the name of the move.

Kaz is crotched on top and you can see the glitter all over his back. Lenny and Lodi almost collide, allowing Kaz to grab a victory roll for two more. Lodi’s next attempt at cheating works though as he snaps Kaz throat first across the top rope, setting up a Skull Crushing Finale to retain Lenny’s title.

Rating: C+. Why do I have a bad feeling we just saw the match of the night? This was far better than I was expecting, which isn’t saying much as I didn’t expect anything from this one. It’s a totally acceptable and at times quite good match with Kaz being a good choice as challenger of the week to Lane’s title, even though he’s just keeping it warm until we get to a bigger name to take over as champion.

Here’s Sting for the pay per view interview before his title shot in the main event. First up, Luger is on the verge of losing their friendship forever. Tonight is beyond big for Sting so if Luger sticks his nose in his business tonight, it’s the same result as it was last week. I’m assuming he means earlier this week on Monday when Sting punched him but you can’t expect grown men to remember things like days of the week. Sting takes the mic and says his ninth title reign could start tonight because it’s showtime folks. This really didn’t need to be on pay per view.

We recap the Revolution vs. the First Family and I still have no idea why this match is happening.

Shane Douglas/Dean Malenko vs. Hugh Morrus/Brian Knobbs

No DQ for reasons that have yet to be explained. Shane says we’re in Saginaw, Michigan, which to be fair is where they taped Thunder a mere ten days earlier. It’s a brawl to start, which is what it should be in a No DQ match. Morrus easily stomps Shane down on the floor, leaving Dean to beat up both villains on his own. Shane comes back in to low blow both guys as you can see the fans leaving to go to the concession stands.

The First Family poses outside so some baseball slides (baseball grab the rope and kick for Shane) knock them into the aisle. The announcers do everything they can to put the First Family over as a major threat and a good team, even as Malenko and Douglas send them into the steps. Lots of punching abounds until we settle down to Knobbs vs. Shane in the ring. Brian gives him the Pit Stop before it’s off to Malenko to armdrag the legal Morrus. Hugh hammers away in the corner but charges into Shane’s boots.

Back to Dean as you can still see about ten seats opposite the hard camera sitting empty. They head outside with Brian sending Shane into the barricade but Douglas trips Morrus off the apron to take over. Back in and Knobbs slams Shane down, only to dive into a raised boot. The hot tag brings in Dean to clean house as the fans really aren’t interested. Could it be because he’s beating up some goofs who should be headlining Saturday Night? Knobbs is sent to the floor where he trips Dean, allowing Morrus to plant him with a slam, setting up No Laughing Matter for the pin. It really was that sudden.

Rating: G. As in good grief just close the doors now. I know the big match coming later that people usually rant about on this show, but this one is far more absurd. At least with the other one it’s a big name going over an up and comer. This is putting two young(ish) guys down for the sake of pushing BRIAN KNOBBS??? To make it even worse, the First Family would win a total of two more televised matches for the rest of the year, meaning this didn’t even lead anywhere.

This comes off as more of a political move than anything else, as WCW can now say the fans aren’t behind the Revolution because fans rarely cheer teams that lose completely clean to low level tag teams on pay per view. “See? The fans don’t like them so there’s no point in pushing them. Maybe they can put over the Rednecks again so we can laugh at those southern idiots cheering a couple of cowboys.” The No DQ stuff didn’t mean anything else as they were only on the floor in the first part of the match.

I watched this match out of context a few years back and I was more angry than anything else. Watching it again, with all the Nitros and Thunders to give it context, it’s more sad now. Somehow seeing these two jugheads beat the team that should be helping bring WCW into the new generation doesn’t surprise me. It’s something that makes sense for WCW and makes me wonder how Dean and company managed to stay as long as they did. That’s sad.

Tony immediately brings up Saturn being wrong about guaranteeing a sweep tonight, just to emphasize that the Revolution is a bunch of losers.

We recap Saturn vs. Steiner which is little more than old vs. new for old’s TV Title, which he’s already said is worthless and doesn’t even carry with him.

TV Title: Perry Saturn vs. Rick Steiner

As usual, the announcers talk about Scott Steiner like he’s here every week even though he hasn’t been seen in about four months. Steiner immediately takes Saturn down and hits him in the face as we’re told that Buff Bagwell hasn’t arrived yet so there will be a replacement for his match with Berlyn.

Saturn speeds things up with a superkick and spinning springboard legdrop to send the champ outside, setting up a nice suicide dive. The fans aren’t reacting to these moves but they’re nice at least. Back in and a release German gets two on the champ but he kicks Saturn between the legs (thankfully the referee wasn’t looking for a change) to take over. Tenay talks about Mark Curtis passing away and you can tell the announcers really cared for him.

Saturn is sent outside and into the steps, followed by an exposed DDT on the concrete. Now in 1986, that started a big house show feud between Jake Roberts and Ricky Steamboat. Here, it doesn’t keep Saturn off his feet for thirty seconds. Steiner hits a good looking release German for two and we hit the reverse chinlock to keep the crowd comatose. Now it’s a kneeling half crab, making Saturn slap the mat to get the crowd fired up, which isn’t tapping out because of…..uh, reasons.

Steiner clearly isn’t even pulling back on the hold to make this an even bigger laughingstock. Thankfully Saturn doesn’t bother to sell it and hits a middle rope dropkick and a modified t-bone suplex for two of his own. The Death Valley Driver gets the same to make it clear that Steiner is retaining. He rams Saturn stomach first into the buckle but gets crotched on top. It’s more false hope though as Steiner shoves him off the ropes and hits the bulldog to retain.

Rating: D. Saturn was trying but you can’t out work stupid booking. I have no idea who thought keeping the title on Steiner was a good idea at this point but they must have had a lot of stroke. The TV Title isn’t going to make it to the middle of April (and would be gone for about two and a half months in between) and it’s this reign that killed it. The matches haven’t been good (his opponents’ halves have been watchable but that’s about it) and the fans just do not react to him. Plus there was that time when he said the title was worthless. Why keep the title around if there’s nothing to it?

Tony keeps piling on the Revolution and makes it worse by bringing up Goldberg beating Steiner last month, just to emphasize how many people there are that are better than Saturn.

Hogan is sick of the wrestlers questioning him. He’s promised his kids that he will not stab Sting in the back because he would have done it a long time ago. Tonight, he’s taking care of Sting and he’ll take care of Luger later. Ignore the WE WANT FLAIR chants during this segment because Flair isn’t a draw, especially in the Carolinas.

The announcers speculate about Hogan being worried. They really picked now to kill time after three straight heel wins?

Berlyn vs. ???

Berlyn has a big bodyguard with him meaning the horrible blonde interpreter seems to be gone. The replacement opponent……Jim Duggan. Berlyn jumps him before the bell but a dropkick doesn’t put Duggan down. Some clotheslines send Berlyn over the top and out to the floor for a USA chant. After some stalling, an atomic drop sends Berlyn into the corner as it’s almost all Duggan.

Berlyn kicks him in the ribs and grabs a headlock before Jim no sells a European uppercut. An eye poke finally slows him down and we hit the chinlock to kill whatever momentum they were getting. Duggan fights up and drives some shoulders into the ribs before they hit the mat for something resembling a wrestling sequence, which is somehow even worse than you would expect. Now they just stand there and look at each other until Berlyn hooks the worst snapmare this side of Dusty vs. Flair at Starrcade 1985.

We hit another chinlock as Heenan says this looks like two winos fighting over a bottle on the sidewalk. Bobby gets in an easy set of jokes about a hair takedown (“Is that German? When I’m over there it’s Herr Heenan and Okerlund is still Herr less.”) as they head outside for the yet to be named Wall to run Duggan over with a clothesline. Back in and they finally end this mess with Berlyn hitting a sitdown neckbreaker, which Duggan sells by falling backwards onto him.

Rating: F. As much as I’d love to blast Berlyn, this was almost all on Duggan. He wouldn’t sell and spent most of the match making goofy faces instead of doing anything productive. The announcers were more into the bodyguard than the match, but can you blame them after this mess? This was pretty much it for Berlyn as he wouldn’t recover from this mess. I feel bad for him as this is the second time this happened to Wright. You might remember SuperBrawl V in 1995, where Paul Roma basically did the exact same thing. That’s some horrible luck.

We cut to the back to see Buff Bagwell who says he can be ready in two minutes but agent Mike Graham says the format has already been changed. Buff hits the ring but Duggan is mad at him. From what I can find, Bagwell didn’t want to do the job so they sent Duggan out there instead. As unprofessional as that is, can you blame Bagwell? He was supposed to get this big push and then Piper wouldn’t put him over in a wrestling match and Bagwell’s push was gone, so now he’s supposed to job to Alex Wright in a gimmick that has already bombed? As usual, WCW seems to be a huge mess behind and in front of the camera.

Quick recap of the Tag Team Title feud. The Rednecks cheated to win the belts and Harlem Heat wants their rematch. After all this mess tonight, a simple story like that sounds great.

Tag Team Titles: Harlem Heat vs. West Texas Rednecks

Kendall Windham in a spot this big doesn’t sound good however. Curly Bill isn’t here, which is probably best for everyone involved. Curt however is here with the cowbell. Heenan brings up the Steiners as the most dominant tag team of all time (because where would we be without praising them in 1999?) and Tony says they were the best team of the 1980s, despite wrestling for a year at most in that decade.

After a brawl to start it’s Booker kicking Kendall down before Barry comes in and getting double suplexed. There’s a big boot to Barry’s face as the crowd is trying to get into this for some reason. Then the tag brings in Kendall and the fans go right back down, which WCW never seemed to learn. Stevie stares at Kendall for trying to punch him but a right hand from Barry puts him down. Barry just looks horribly out of shape and it’s a very good thing that he’s wrestling in a t-shirt.

Curt doesn’t seem to be paying attention as a double clothesline gets two on Stevie. Ray powerslams him down and it’s off to Kendall vs. Booker with T. taking over with the usual kicks. Hennig gets on the apron but Booker kicks Kendall down again, sending all three Rednecks to the floor. Booker follows them out and gets beaten up as Stevie is too slow getting over for the save.

Back in and Booker shrugs off Kendall’s lame offense and hits the ax kick, only to have Barry clothesline him down. Hennig gets in some cheap shots as Stevie gets held back by the referee. Barry’s superplex gets two with Stevie finally getting the timing right on the save. The spinning sunset flip out of the corner gets two for Booker as this match just keeps going. The referee doesn’t see the tag to Stevie and the Rednecks cheat even more.

Kendall gets two off a middle rope clothesline and Stevie doesn’t even have to move from the apron to make the save. They redo the missed tag spot but this time Stevie just beats the Windhams up anyway. Everything breaks down and Curt hits Stevie with the cowbell but the referee doesn’t see the cover. Booker comes in off the top with the missile dropkick to give the Heat the belts back.

Rating: D. And that’s being generous because I’ve failed a lot of matches tonight. This was so boring as it went on about five minutes longer than it should have and didn’t get anywhere. Harlem Heat getting the belts back is definitely the right move, but we’re right back where we were after Road Wild went off the air. This show is long past the point of saving and this didn’t help things. It doesn’t help that this is the sixth match and the second won by good guys. Side note: this is the eleventh title change of the year (counting vacations) and we’re eight and a half months into the year. There would be eight more coming.

We recap the Sid Vicious Streak and Benoit challenging him because that’s what a good, young wrestler does. Sid even called Benoit the only member of the Revolution that stood out. Here’s his reward for impressing Sid.

US Title: Sid Vicious vs. Chris Benoit

I love how the announcers just talk about Sid’s streak like it’s legit and the same as Goldberg’s, even after showing us how he got there. Tenay brings up the disaster that was the battle royal competition on Monday to get things going. We start with the stalling as referee Charles Robinson is accused of being a Sid cheerleader. Sid shoves Benoit down and stops to yell at the fans. Tony: “That was a big moment for Sid.” Sid knocks him to the floor with a shoulder as the announcers are already treating this like a mismatch.

Back in and Sid hammers away before choking on the ropes. A dragon screw leg whip puts Sid down and Benoit starts working on the knee like a smart wrestler would. An Indian deathlock makes Sid scream as the empty seats are showing up again. The fans chant for Goldberg as Sid gets back up and kicks at Benoit in the corner. A running boot misses but confirms that Sid isn’t interested in selling the knee. Benoit wraps the knee around the post and crushes them between the post and steps (Tony: “HOLY CHRISTMAS!”) twice in a row.

Sid is thrown back inside and easily catches Benoit’s top rope cross body, even lifting up his good knee to drive into Benoit’s back, meaning he’s holding Benoit up on the bad leg alone thirty seconds after Benoit crushed it against the post. All hope is lost. Benoit muscles him over with a German but Sid pops up and hits a Samoan drop to counter a crucifix attempt. A cobra clutch puts Benoit down again and we hit the chinlock (with Sid’s hands around Benoit’s face and no pressure on the back because Sid CAN’T EVEN DO A CHINLOCK PROPERLY) because all this no selling has made Sid tired.

Benoit fights up and tries a sunset flip but Sid just sits on him to stop any comeback attempt. Another dropkick to the knee puts Sid down and there’s the Crossface. Sid SLAPS THE MAT but it’s hitting the mat in disgust instead of tapping. My goodness this is killing my soul. Sid of course gets to stand up and break the hold but is nice enough to fall back down with his foot in the ropes. Not that it matters as Sid avoids the Swan Dive and powerbombs Benoit for the pin and the title.

Rating: S. For Screw You WCW. Seriously screw you. Benoit was doing everything he could out there to tell a story by going after the knee and trying to break Sid down but Sid just gets up and does whatever he wants because WCW is run by a bunch of incompetent morons. It’s even a theme tonight.

The Clowns get on the show because they’re famous (to a niche group of fans of course but when has that ever stopped WCW?) and WCW sends out its talented guys to baby sit them. The First Family gets to beat Malenko and Douglas completely clean because well why not. Then Rick Steiner gets to keep his title because they haven’t buried that thing enough yet. Bagwell, who is a veteran at this point as he’s been in WCW for over eight years, doesn’t feel like losing so we have to watch Duggan be a disaster (and likely not get punished for no selling) and then see Bagwell do a run-in anyway, meaning he likely got a PPV pay day.

Then the Windhams still have jobs despite Barry not being in good enough shape to wrestle without a t-shirt on (which is too small and we can still see his huge gut). Then there’s this mess, which results in Benoit being pushed down the card and Sid getting the biggest push he ever had in WCW because they can’t get any worse than this right? I’m so glad Benoit and company would be gone soon because no one who works hard even at all deserves to go through this.

And just to top it off. Tony: “He earned win #80 here.” Again, make sure you emphasize that the Revolution is just not good enough in case someone thinks otherwise.

We recap Page vs. Goldberg, which is basically Goldberg destroying the Triad to give him something to do before the big showdown with Sid.

Goldberg vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Tenay brings up the Halloween Havoc match from last year before admitting that it’s a completely different Page now. We get an old school weapons check….and the referee finds a chain. And a roll of coins! That right there is the only funny thing we’re going to see all night. Goldberg slugs Page to the floor and the stalling is already on. Back in and Page gets caught in a headlock before getting shoved into the corner a few times.

A shoulder sends Page back outside where he threatens to leave if the Goldberg chants don’t stop. They head into the crowd with Goldberg getting the better of it, as if you would expect anything else. Back in and the Diamond Cutter is countered into a powerslam. Page shoves the referee down and kicks Goldberg low before pulling out a third weapon to knock Goldberg silly. We hit the standard heel slowdown offense as Page hits him with the object again. Thankfully the referee wasn’t looking for no apparent reason.

Off to the chinlock as this torture continues. Goldberg Hulks Up but gets caught in a bad looking float over DDT for two. Page tries a spear but gets suplexed down for two as the Triad is here. Kanyon breaks something over the back of Goldberg’s head (drawing blood from the neck) and setting up a left armed Rock Bottom from Page for two more. Not that it matters as the spear and Jackhammer finish Page with ease.

Rating: D. One of the best matches of the night here despite being an exercise in how long can we stay in Memphis before Page comes back and pins Page. DDP was not working as a heel here with most of his heat coming from Yo Mama jokes and then bad matches following. Nothing to see here as the match was never once in doubt, especially with Sid looming (and still not selling anything as he waits).

We recap Hogan vs. Sting, which again is over trust or some nonsense like that involving the Hummer, because that thing just won’t die.

WCW World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Sting

Buffer says Sting has no affiliation. Hogan doesn’t really either does he? Before the bell, here’s Bret Hart (Buffer: “Only to pass on his offer of good luck for both men. He’s from the First Family of wrestling.” Please, no more First Family tonight. They’ve done enough.” Bret leaves without incident and I’m sure we won’t see him again. They shove each other around to start and exchange pokes in the chest. Hogan works on a wristlock before taking Sting down for something like an STF without the legs being tied together. Great. I have to put up with 15 minutes of Hulk Thesz tonight.

Hogan yells at some fans for some reason before driving knees to the ribs in the corner. You can see even more empty seats near the back of the arena and it’s hard to argue at this point. Sting actually hits the big jumping elbow drop for two and it’s off to the test of strength. Hogan kicks him in the ribs (called a knee by Tony) but Sting no sells a suplex. Oh no he’s been watching Sid tapes.

They fight to the floor with Hogan talking about it being for the World Title and choking with a cord. He’s definitely wrestling as Hollywood tonight. Back in and a belly to back suplex gets two on Sting and we hit another chinlock. Off to an abdominal stretch as Hogan’s dominance continues. Right hands in the corner have Sting in even more trouble and we’re just waiting on the interference.

Sting gets two of his own off a cross body and hits two Stinger Splashes but misses the third. It’s already Hulk Up time and the big boot clearly doesn’t make contact. Cue DDP to nail the referee as the legdrop connects. A Diamond Cutter puts Hogan down and Sting is put on top but Hogan kicks out at two. That’s a Diamond Cutter for the referee and another Hulk Up.

Now Hart comes back in to take out Page but Sid comes out as well, only to take the big boot to the shoulder (which he sells more than all of Benoit’s offense combined because of course he does). Luger comes in but drops the bat he was carrying, allowing Sting to nail Hogan (drawing the pop of the night), setting up the Deathlock on the unconscious Hogan for the title.

Rating: D. You have to be a really, REALLY stupid company to turn Sting heel but they somehow did it. This wasn’t the worst main event ever, but they clearly didn’t have any way to make someone lose here so they went with the big mess instead. I can live with that and the match wasn’t completely horrible, but again, they’re trying to turn Sting heel and as anyone who has watched wrestling for more than 18 seconds can tell you, that is never going to work.

Luger and Sting celebrate as Heenan is thrilled with Hogan getting stabbed in the back to end the show.

Overall Rating: Agoobwa. The level of failure this show hits is beyond words. They have somehow managed to do almost every possible thing wrong on a single show and somehow made it even worse. I’m thinking of the good things on this show and it’s a very short list: Kaz vs. Lane was match of the night by about ten miles, Page having weapons on him was a funny bit, and…..someone help me out here. What else was good on this show?

It takes a very special kind of show for me to get mad fifteen years after it aired when I already know the results. Somehow this show did it as it took me all day to make myself sit through this mess. WCW managing to stick around as long as they did is astounding to me as there is no reason to stick around after watching something like this.

This is being written six days after the 2015 Royal Rumble, which made a lot of people say WWE was a disaster. Whenever you get annoyed at WWE, go back and watch some late 1999 WCW and your perspective will change. WWE today is light years ahead of this as you can at least get more than one good match and there’s an actual story (albeit somewhat misguided) in the main event. This show consistently goes against every possible thing people could want to see and seems to encourage its veterans to screw up and destroy the future.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this is actually worse than Heroes of Wrestling, which aired about a month after this. Yeah Heroes of Wrestling is a disaster, but it’s a disaster in a way that you can laugh at it. This show on the other hand felt more cruel than anything else. It felt like they were trying to be as stupid and short sighted as they could while taking the fans’ money at the same time. WCW has officially hit rock bottom and things can only get better with Russo. I mean that literally. I cannon imagine things actually getting worse than this.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of Saturday Night’s Main Event at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Road Wild 1999
Date: August 14, 1999
Location: Sturgis, South Dakota
Attendance: 5,500
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan

Back to Eric Bischoff’s big idea so he could ride motorcycles around the Black Hills. The main event here is Kevin Nash vs. Hulk Hogan in a title/career vs. career match, which still doesn’t sound fair to Hogan. After sitting through the disaster that was Thunder though, I really don’t care about what is fair in WCW. Let’s get to it.

The opening recap of course focuses on Nash vs. Hogan. In case the five or six videos on Thunder weren’t enough for you of course. Actually, the more I think about it, one of these guys leaving means we might get someone new in the main event. FREAKING SWEET MAN!

Tony talks about this history of Road Wild. As in the show that debuted back in 1996 (1997 if you consider Hog Wild its own show). Just printing his quotes are better than almost any jokes I could come up with.

Here’s the first show of any WCW employees: Tenay in a jean jacket and sunglasses, Tony in a darker jean jacket, sunglasses and a backwards hat, and Heenan (looking mostly normal) in a black shirt and hat. My goodness this stuff never gets easier to sit through. They hype up the main event and other big options to eat up time.

We recap the Dead Pool vs. the yet to be named Filthy Animals which I don’t think has an actual story. They just started fighting one day and led up to this match. Tony says the fighting took place on the WCW Network. Good grief you mean they thought of it first???

Dead Pool vs. Eddie Guerrero/Rey Mysterio Jr./Kidman

I do like the road design for the entrance ramp and the whole atmosphere is always really cool. It’s Vampiro and the Insane Clown Posse (Violent J. and Shaggy 2 Dope) with Raven in their corner here. It’s a big brawl to start with the Clowns thankfully being knocked to the floor so Vampiro can handle the wrestling. Kidman hits an early Sky High, followed by a slingshot hilo from Eddie. They head outside for a few seconds and we see that the ring is up on a mini platform like in previous years.

Vampiro nails a nice spinwheel kick to drop Eddie as Tony points out that the Clowns aren’t really wrestlers. Granted I question how much they’re actually singers or musicians either but that’s a discussion for another time. We now get to the real point of the match as Tenay says Vampiro might be touring with the Clowns in the future. J. comes in to imitate whatever moves he saw watching wrestling as a kid, including a clothesline and a jawbreaker.

Tenay brings up the fans that have been stuck in the airport for all eternity, stalking wrestling personalities and asking them about whatever main event is coming up. Vampiro comes back in but Eddie climbs the ropes into a hurricanrana, only to have J. make the save. A Rock Bottom gets two on Eddie and the Clowns hit a double suplex. Amazingly enough, one of the most talented wrestlers of all time doesn’t have much of a problem beating up a clown named after a Scooby Doo character. He drops Shaggy with a superplex and the hot tag brings in Mysterio.

Raven actually does something (when was the last time he even had a match?) by tripping Mysterio to the floor so Vampiro can hit the Nail in the Coffin on the floor. J. comes back in and I keep getting distracted by the steak sandwich stand opposite the hard camera. Things slow back down again as Tenay brags about the Clowns being able to hit legdrops in the wrestling ring they’ve set up in their backyards. The moral of the story: don’t backyard wrestle unless you can get WCW mainstream coverage.

Shaggy powerslams Rey (Tony: “Great execution. As good as you’ll get!” The British Bulldog is rolling over in his grave.) and drops him with a clothesline for no cover. Rey raises a boot in the corner and hits a split legged moonsault, allowing the hot tag to Kidman. Everything breaks down and Kidman is left alone with Shaggy. Apparently he’s more of a Yogi Bear fan as he drops the Shooting Star for the pin to thankfully get us to a match full of actual wrestlers.

Rating: D+. The thing is, the match isn’t even all that bad. The problem here though is how many notches Mysterio, Guerrero and Kidman have to crank it down so the Clowns aren’t overwhelmed. Those three are some of the best wrestlers WCW ever had but they’re stuck in the opening match against some musicians because WCW would rather make a quick splash off having the Clowns in a boring match than put on a product that could actually compete against WWF, which Mysterio, Guerrero and Kidman tearing the house down for these twelve minutes could have been a big part of.

The Clowns aren’t even horrible in the ring, but they’re very, very limited. They can do basic stuff like clotheslines and suplexes, but so can every single wrestler on the roster. Instead of Mysterio defending the title (which he hasn’t done on a major show since May from what I can find) or Eddie actually wrapping up that stolen wallet story, we’re stuck watching these guys do stuff they taught themselves so they can have a thrill. That’s what we get for our $30?

We recap Harlem Heat vs. the Triad for the Tag Team Titles. Booker was getting beaten up by the Triad but Stevie came out to help him. He wanted to reform the team, but Booker said take off the NWO colors. Stevie said okey dokey and that’s about all it took.

Tag Team Titles: Jersey Triad vs. Harlem Heat

The Triad is defending but it’s only Kanyon and Bigelow at ringside because Flair can’t let them have all three members around anymore. Kanyon says most of the bikers here likely don’t have cable, so he explains the usual question, only to be drowned out by the engines revving. Booker is in black and white after making a big deal out of Stevie not wearing the black and white. I smell a secret alliance and feel the need to tune into Nitro to find out more.

The champs jump them to start but are quickly knocked to the floor. Only WCW would put Bam Bam Bigelow, a former biker covered in tattoos, in front of a biker rally as a heel. Tony isn’t sure if Harlem Heat will have continuity after only wrestling a few matches in the last year. You mean like Bigelow and Kanyon? Stevie tries to get the crowd going but Kanyon sends him into the corner and drives in some shoulders to the ribs. Ray pops back up and throws both champions out to the floor and things slow down again. Heenan: “I remember one time I picked up the Beast From the East. Her name was Monica.”

Back in and Booker comes in to stomp Kanyon in the corner but gets dropped to the mat and choked. Tony and Bobby actually agree that Charles Robinson was a fair referee most of the time. Tenay: “…..what?” This commentary is extra golden tonight. Back to Stevie who tells the fans to rev their engines, which for some reason keeps Bigelow from going after Stevie when his back is turned. Shoulder blocks have no effect on either guy so Ray runs him over with a clothesline.

Kanyon gets in a knee from the apron and comes in to mock the bikers a bit. Heenan turns into a manager and starts coaching Kanyon on how to choke. It’s back to Bigelow for a corner splash and a chinlock so he can whisper some sweet spots into Ray’s ear. Back to Kanyon who tries to put Stevie down so Bigelow can go up top, only to have Kanyon catapult him into Bam Bam for a breather. The hot tag brings in Booker to fire off his kicks but Bigelow low bridges him to the floor. Oddly the fans have gone far more silent since Booker came in.

Kanyon nails his middle rope Fameasser for two as we’ve slowed down again. He loads up the same move but this time Booker powerbombs him for a nice counter. I love when wrestlers learn during the match. Stevie comes in again to hammer away but Page runs out, only to get knocked down by Bigelow, setting up Booker’s missile dropkick for the pin and the titles.

Rating: C+. It’s a very good sign that Benoit and Booker T. have picked up a title each in the last five days. Going back to Harlem Heat was a step backwards, but I’m very glad to see the younger guys getting something out of all this. The match was pretty good too with a basic tag team formula that has worked for years and will continue working for years to come. It also keeps up the idea that once the villains lose their backer and have to fight fair, the good guys win. In other words, Wrestling 101 works even in WCW.

We recap the Revolution vs. the Rednecks. For some reason this is treated as more about Hennig vs. Saturn than anything else. There isn’t much of a story here other than they needed something for these teams to do and threw them into this match. Oh and CHAD BROCK!!!

Revolution vs. West Texas Rednecks

It’s Douglas/Malenko/Saturn vs. Hennig/Windham/Duncum with the rednecks billed as the villains as WCW still doesn’t get their audience (nor do they get their money but at least Bischoff got to ride a motorcycle!). Saturn says they don’t care about the cowboys or Chad Brock (heresy!) so just pick who gets beaten up first. It’s a brawl to start again with the Revolution cleaning house. We settle down to Malenko vs. Barry Windham, who can’t make the t-shirt over trunks look work.

Dean takes over to start and brings in Saturn for a back elbow as Tenay goes into Professor mode, talking about how the Rednecks all have fathers who wrestled. That’s the kind of guy wrestling needs again (and not Matt “let me beat you over the head with my knowledge and names of moves that no one uses” Striker) and I’m sure there’s someone out there. Douglas comes in with a nice powerslam on Duncum as the Revolution keeps the wrestling strong. Heenan tells a story about having an 115 degree temperature but coming back just two years later. Wrestling could use a commentator like him too, but I don’t think one exists.

Saturn suplexes Windham down and hammers away but Kendall nails Saturn from the floor to change control. Good old fashioned cheating never hurt anyone. Well Saturn maybe but that’s beside the point. Off to Hennig for the necksnap as a truck drives along the road behind the ring. You can’t say this show looks the same as the rest of them. Hennig lets Saturn tag and house is cleaned for a bit before it’s off to Douglas.

The Rednecks come in to break up a Pittsburgh Plunge attempt and “whoever it was” (Tenay’s words) trips him to the floor and Shane gets beaten down on the floor. Things settle down to Windham suplexing Douglas for two. The Rednecks get us into a regular tag team formula with Kendall getting in his shots from the floor. Since we’re getting into a good wrestling match, it’s time to talk about Savage vs. Rodman. Duncum suplexes Douglas for two and we hit the chinlock.

Back to Windham for a DDT and the slowest two count I’ve seen in years. If a heel was getting counted, the announcers would suggest the referee was crooked. Shane stops Duncum with a boot in the corner and Saturn gets the hot tag. Everything breaks down and Dean puts Hennig in the Cloverleaf, only to have Kendall break it up with the cowbell. Saturn nails Duncum with the Death Valley Driver for the pin.

Rating: C. Well at least the right team won. They actually had me thinking that the Rednecks were going to win there just to tick the fans off even more. The Revolution finally has some momentum, but unfortunately it’s momentum against midcard acts instead of against the main event guys. I guess that boxing match against Piper was the extent of the youth movement’s main event push, because we need room for the main events we’re getting.

Speaking of what we’re getting, this was the third straight match that could have been on any given Nitro but instead they’re all on this show. The Tag Team Title change meant something, but so far nothing has happened to really give the fans a real thrill. Nothing so far has felt like a big moment and we’re about an hour into the show. That’s not a good sign given what’s coming.

We recap Bagwell vs. Cat. Miller said he could dance like no one else, Bagwell dressed up in black face and stole Cat’s shoes, Miller beat him up a few times, let’s have a match.

Buff Bagwell vs. The Cat

Speaking of matches that have no business on pay per view. Tenay says Bagwell is one big match away from winning championship gold. If you throw in a far better offense I can’t say I disagree, but he’s stuck in this mess of a feud. Sonny is in a biker vest with no shirt underneath for a disturbing look. They still can’t start the match because both guys have to try to talk with Cat cutting off Bagwell every time and the bikers cutting Cat off. Bagwell: “Cat, you’re not a crowd favorite if you know what I mean.” Unless he’s being completely literal, no I don’t know what you mean.

We finally get going with Cat hiptossing Bagwell and dancing a bit. The idea works so well that he does it again but with a slam this time. We’re two minutes into the match now as a PUSSY CAT chant starts up. Buff comes back with a hiptoss and slams of his own, sending Cat to the floor so Buff can dance. Back in again and Miller spends almost a minute teasing a handshake as this match is dying in front of our eyes. He finally gets in a cheap shot on Bagwell and chokes in the corner, only to take two dropkick. Of course, it’s time to dance!

Cat hits him low (what took them so long?) and superkicks Bagwell down but the referee yells at Miller, allowing Sonny to get in some lame choking. They repeat the same sequence before Miller slaps on a chinlock. Bagwell reverses a suplex into one of his own and both guys are down. Back up and a cross body gets two on Cat so Sonny gets on the apron. To complete the disaster, Cat is rammed into Sonny’s briefcase and one of the worst rollups I’ve seen in years (I’ve had to say that too often in this review) gives Bagwell the pin.

Rating: F-. Where do I even start? How about Buff can’t even beat ERNEST MILLER with his finisher??? Last time he beat Piper with a pin in a boxing match and now he beats Miller with a rollup without the shoulder even being on the mat. The match was horrible as it was borderline comedy with all the dancing and repeated spots, mainly focused on choking. This was a disaster and something that should have been buried on Thunder instead of something that was supposed to make me care about Bagwell. How does beating up a goofy dancer who can’t do anything but choke and kick make Buff look like a star? Awful mess.

Miller and Onoo lay Bagwell out post match while Buff’s music is playing. They REALLY had to do this?

We recap Benoit vs. Page. This is part of the Revolution vs. Triad/establishment feud with Benoit wanting to prove that he could hang with a former World Champion like Page. Benoit finally got his chance to win a singles title by beating David Flair for the US Title in a fair fight and now Page wants to beat him to regain his confidence.

US T….

Oh I’m sorry I had the wrong notes. That’s the feud that should have happened. Instead Page made a bunch of Your Mama jokes about Benoit to tick him off, then Benoit won the US Title and this was made a No DQ title match at the last second.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Benoit is defending and this is No DQ. Before the match, Page says Benoit loves his mother, just like anyone else can for $2.99 a minute. Tony says this is the scene of one of Page’s best matches: last year when he teamed with Jay Leno. First the Miller match and now those memories brought up? They slug it out to start and Benoit punches out of a helicopter bomb, knocking Page out to the floor.

Back in (and thankfully away from a shirtless guy that makes Ralphus look trim) with Page getting two off a suplex. We’re already in a reverse chinlock as Page starts in on the ribs. A fireman’s carry into a faceplant drops Benoit for a delayed two and Page drives knees into the ribs. We hear Page’s career history, which really is quite the story. Page plants him with an Anderson spinebuster for two but stops to yell at the referee.

Things slow down as Page walks around the ring before a side slam gets two. I can live with him walking around like that because, unlike Miller, Page has actually shown us more than entry level offense and it fits his character to be a cocky jerk. That’s the kind of stuff that separates guys from nothing like Cat to stars like Page. Benoit gets a breather off a jawbreaker and goes up, only to get caught in the Tree of Woe.

Page takes the referee’s belt away and tries to whip Benoit but Little Naitch actually stands up to him. Granted it doesn’t work as Page wraps the belt around Benoit’s throat (Heenan: “WALK THAT DOG!”) before doing the same with Benoit over his shoulder. Very cool yet disturbing visual actually. Benoit escapes and starts rolling the Germans for two but Kanyon breaks up the Swan Dive.

The Revolution is shown watching on the monitors as Benoit throws Page into Kanyon for two. Page suplexes him down and Bigelow adds a top rope headbutt for another near fall as Benoit just won’t quit. He knocks all three members together for a pair of falling low blows (ala Sting), setting up the Swan Dive to Page to retain the title, no thanks to the Revolution.

Rating: B-. I’d be stunned if this isn’t match of the night. I really liked the story here with Page being all cocky and underestimating Benoit because he had the Triad in his back pocket, only to have Benoit fight all three of them off and win in the end. That being said, it’s really nothing great as it’s far more about the story than the wrestling. It would have been nice to have Benoit win the title here, but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without that David Flair title reign. I mean, it did SO much to make you hate Ric more right?

Breathe in people. It’s big match time.

A motorcycle is given away. I didn’t hear this advertised on any WCW show leading up to this.

We recap Sid vs. Sting but unfortunately we don’t get any Halloween Havoc 1989 clips. Basically Sid is calling himself the Millennium Man and wants to lead WCW into the future. Sting is his first target as he’s being built up for Goldberg.

Sid Vicious vs. Sting

The announcers claim that Sid has been in WCW a little over a month (it’s been two months) and he’s undefeated (if you don’t count tag matches or disqualifications of course). Apparently Sting has given up all of the power that he won from Flair. That clears up some questions, but did they have to wait two weeks to explain it? Sid stalls on the floor to start but gets kicked into the corner for a pair of Stinger Splashes.

He knocks Sid to the floor and that’s enough action to start as Sid takes a seat on the edge of the platform. Sting sends him into the crowd and they walk around ringside for a bit. When did Sting stop wrestling and become a full time brawler? 1997? Back in and Sting misses a Splash in the corner so it’s time for the wide world of choking. A backbreaker gets two on Sting as the crowd has died again. Off to another chinlock as Tony thinks the temperatures lowering could mean the matches go long. Global warming never sounded better.

They head back to the floor with Sid dropping him throat first across the barricade and we hit that chinlock again because Sid needs air. Back up and Sting drops him with a shoulder, setting up the falling low blow (third time in two matches). Sting goes to run the ropes but Sid trips him from his back. Yes, somehow Sid has invented a way to wrestle while laying down. You knew someone was going to do it someday. Snake Eyes puts Sting down again but Sid goes up, only to get taken down with a superplex. Not that it matters as the Stinger Splash is caught by a chokeslam for the completely clean pin.

Rating: D. The resting here was ridiculous as Sid was sitting/laying down at every given chance he had in a match that didn’t even last eleven minutes. This is the kind of thing that people look at in WCW and shake their heads as they wonder why they’re still watching. I mean, am I supposed to just wait for Sid to have another major match where he can be even lazier? I can get behind the idea of building up Sid as a monster, but could he put some effort into his matches? He doesn’t even use a lot of power moves as most of his offense revolves around choking. You can’t throw a powerslam in there?

Quick recap of Rick Steiner vs. Goldberg. Rick and Scott had destroyed Goldberg earlier in the year so Goldberg could go make a movie. Goldberg came back and started brawling with Steiner without a mention of the beatdown, but he did manage to say the TV Title wasn’t worth fighting for. How do you respond to that?

Goldberg vs. Rick Steiner

Non-title. It’s a brawl to start of course and Goldberg just nails him with a clothesline. Steiner tries something like a cross body to no effect and the superkick drops him. They’re clearly not going long here and that’s the best idea possible. Rick bails to the floor ala Sid before coming back in with a low blow. At least he bothered to shove the referee. Rick takes Goldberg’s knee brace off and beats him with it in whatever ways he can (which to be fair isn’t a long list).

I’ll give Tony this: he FINALLY points out that a knee brace Goldberg wore into the ring isn’t a foreign object and shouldn’t be considered cheating. I believe that’s the only time I’ve heard a commentator say that and it’s accurate. A belly to belly gets two for Rick and another brace shot to the head has him in trouble. Goldberg gets up and press slams Steiner into a powerslam, setting up the spear and Jackhammer. He really did just pop up from that offense and win with his signature moves.

Rating: D+. Believe it or not this wasn’t the worst thing they could have done. Ignoring the TV Champion losing in less than six minutes, Goldberg not selling, the knee brace shots having almost no effect and Goldberg’s comeback lasting all of three moves, this was the best possible option they had. Goldberg was supposed to destroy Steiner here and that’s basically what he did, setting him up for a bigger feud down the line. They really need to get the TV Title off of Steiner now though as it’s dying every single day he holds it.

We recap Arliss (the character, not the actor. Well depending on who you ask that is but I’m not getting into that mess again) bringing Rodman back to face Savage. This was before Rodman became a real face by kidnapping Gorgeous George, potentially raping her, attacking from behind and running from a fight. This story was such a mess and I really don’t want to know the logic behind it as I fear it might destroy my mind.

Dennis Rodman vs. Randy Savage

Hardcore for obvious reasons. Now this should be interesting as this match is very fondly remembered but I’m very curious as to how well it holds up. It should also be noted that Savage promised to bring a very bad man here to guard George. That man would also be revealed as the Hummer driver, even though this was ignored on Nitro this past week. Savage comes out alone because he doesn’t want George around Rodman. To be fair I don’t want to be around Rodman either. Rodman wants to know where she is but Savage says Rodman is his tonight. More swearing ensues and I have no idea what they’re talking about.

They’re on the floor about six seconds in with Savage going into the barricade a few times. Back in and the announcers are already praising Rodman as hard as they can. What took them so long? An elbow to the jaw puts Savage down and Tony says that’s enough to show that he’s a fine competitor. He follows it up with a Russian legsweep for another really slow two and even knows how to argue with a referee. He gets tired of dealing with Billy Silverman and lays him out before slowly walking around the ring.

Savage gets in his first offense after about three minutes by raking Rodman’s face. Heenan: “REBOUND THIS!” Mickie Jay comes out to referee as Savage hits his third choke of the match. He punches out a photographer to steal his camera and uses it to nail Rodman for two. The near fall earns Jay a right hand of his own and Scott Dickinson comes in to give us three referees knocked out.

Rodman gets back up to throw Savage outside but Savage tosses him over the barricade. The fans throw Rodman back as Savage walks around looking for weapons (or a real opponent). We’re on referee #4 now as they walk backstage. Rodman kind of armdrags Savage down but gets thrown into some trash. Here’s the big spot of the match: Rodman gets thrown into a portable toilet, which is then shoved over. The door opens and the waste comes out, only to have Rodman pop back up. Seriously, THAT is what people say made this match entertaining.

Back to ringside with Savage being thrown into the lighting structure before Dennis “hits” a middle rope “clothesline”, accidentally knocking the referee down. Gorgeous George comes out to the reaction of the match and hits Rodman low. She also gives Savage a chain to knock Rodman out for the pin to end this mess. Yes, Savage needed George and a chain to beat a basketball player.

Rating: D. It was messy (literally), it wasn’t really entertaining, Rodman nor Savage have any business in a ring at this point…..but I didn’t completely hate this. Maybe it’s low expectations or Rodman having a better presence than he did in the horrible tag match in 1998, but this could have been about a million times worse. Yeah the toilet spot was stupid and a lot of the moves didn’t hit, but this is like the Clown match earlier: it’s not fair to expect a good match out of someone who isn’t a good wrestler. The praise this match got is overkill, but this could have been WAY worse.

We recap Hogan vs. Nash, which seems to be the real match they wanted to get to instead of Goldberg vs. Hogan or Goldberg vs. Nash. The idea here is they’re arguing over who was the real force behind the NWO and it’s Nash’s career vs. Hogan’s career and title to try and add in some drama. Hogan turned face earlier in the week to get rid of any possible drama for this match.

WCW World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Kevin Nash

The fans and announcers are entirely behind Hogan. Nash shoves him into the corner a few times to start and the engines rev again. He grabs a headlock (Hogan: “OH MY GOD!”) and we’re already stuck in first gear. Another shove sends Nash to the floor and the stalling begins. Back in and we hit the test of strength with Nash getting the better of it. Tony continues his bizarre commentary by saying Nash is two inches taller than Hogan. If you drop Nash down to 6’11, that puts Hogan at 6’9. That’s a stretch even for WCW.

Nash starts going after the back but takes too long on the framed elbow. There’s nothing here that wouldn’t be seen on a Nitro main event so far. Hulk hammers away in the corner but gets raked in the eyes. Nash uses the boot choke as we’re only in signature mode here. They head outside for nothing of note before Nash slowly walks around the ring. He calls for the Jackknife but keeps hammering away, including the framed elbow. The big boot and Jackknife plant Hogan and it’s Hulk Up time. You know the rest and Nash is sent on vacation. Uh I mean retired. Yeah retired. For like, ever.

Rating: D. So after all that time (the full five days) of buildup for the career vs. career stipulation and the huge Nash heel turn (three weeks ago I believe) after Hogan’s long title reign (less than a month at this point), they did the paint by numbers Hogan match and expected us to be amazed. This was the Hogan formula from the 80s taking place four months from the year 2000, which tells you almost all you need to know about WCW.

The worst part is Hogan vs. Nash could have drawn a fairly decent crowd if promoted the right way. It’s a big main event that we hadn’t seen yet but it’s thrown onto maybe the lowest level PPV of the year on a Saturday instead of the usual Sunday. They set this match up to fail and I really don’t get the thinking there. Granted that could be said about almost everything around this time.

Overall Rating: D. This really isn’t the worst show ever, as the first half (save for the Bagwell vs. Cat mess) is totally watchable. Mostly boring but watchable. You have some decent action and a title change plus a good Benoit vs. Page match. Unfortunately, that all led to the second half of the show and that’s where this show gets its reputation.

The main event guys hit new levels of lazy and sluggish here with Sid somehow coming up with offense from his back. I mean, he can’t even sit up to trip Sting? The main event had as much heat as an igloo on Christmas Eve, Sting vs. Sid was just there to set up something for the future, Goldberg vs. Steiner was a Thunder main event and Rodman vs. Savage was just a celebrity appearance. Maybe Nash leaving for awhile will open up a main event slot, but the thoughts of who they might put in there terrifies me.

You know what this needed to be? A Clash of the Champions. Cut out the opener, Miller vs. Bagwell and make Sid/Savage vs. Rodman/Sting (Tell me you wouldn’t pay to see Sting and Rodman try to have a conversation) a tag match. That’s not a bad two hour show and it would certainly make fans feel better than paying for this mess. This show didn’t need to be a three hour pay per view as the matches and feuds just aren’t there for one. They need to mix things up soon though because this product is killing them.

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Bash at the Beach 1999
Date: July 11, 1999
Location: National Car Rental Center, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Attendance: 13,624
Commentators: Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

We’re going in a new direction at this point in WCW as the promotion has gone from really boring to freaking insane in the course of a few weeks. A good chunk of this show was booked within the last few weeks and knowing the stories isn’t likely going to help me get through it. Let’s get to it.

I’ve actually seen this show far more often than I should as I found it at a Blockbuster for $2 when I was about thirteen. It took many years to suppress those memories but here we go again.

The opening video is a wordless montage about the four men in the main event. I mean, if there’s one story that doesn’t need a verbal explanation, it’s one about Savage and Sid trying to kill Nash and then the heroic champion kidnapping and potentially raping Gorgeous George, causing Savage to throw her out of their dressing room with a side plot of Sting potentially driving the Hummer that nearly killed Nash and then Nash changing the rules of the tag match so that anyone, including his partner, can pin him for the title. Also for some reason they air the video then show it about five more times as a very fast speed.

Tony says the tag match tonight started as a tag match. It was once going to be Sting/Nash vs. Savage/Sid in a tag team match, but it’s now Sting/Nash vs. Savage/Sid in a tag team match. No that’s not a misprint.

After those words of wisdom, Schiavone explains the junkyard match and the boxing match before throwing it to Gene for a Hotline ad.

Mike Tenay is at the junkyard, which he knows about because his sources told him where to go. Apparently there’s going to be a ring of cars with a bunch of obstacles to get around and the first person to jump over a fence and escape wins. This company is rapidly becoming more of a parody of wrestling than an actual wrestling promotion.

Video on the Cat vs. Disco Inferno. Cat had a kickboxing match with Jerry Flynn and lost via DQ so Flynn took him down in a brawl after the match. He and Disco had a dance off a week earlier, making the kickboxing stuff completely pointless.

Disco Inferno vs. The Cat

The original stipulation was the loser could never dance again but that has since been dropped. The lawyers must be working overtime as the match was announced three days ago and the stipulation was never mentioned on Thunder. Miller rants before the match and wants another dance contest before we get going. He demands that the people all vote for him or else he’ll beat them all up. Tony explains that he’ll lose because he threatened the fans because WCW thinks we’re rather thick headed. Disco dances for about two seconds before Cat goes after him and we’re ready to go.

Inferno starts like a kitchen of fire (not enough for a whole house) and sends Miller sliding out to the floor. Back in and Cat nails a few kicks, so Disco just tackles him to the mat and hammers away. Some atomic drops from Disco set up some miscommunication on what looked to be his swinging neckbreaker.

Cat comes back with a kick to the head and walks around as Sonny gets in a few shots of his own. Those are as effective as you would expect since Sonny, a legitimately accomplished karate fighter, is a manager and therefore incapable of hurting anyone. Back in and Disco grabs a quick sunset flip for two but gets his head kicked off again.

Another kick misses though and Disco legsweeps him down, setting up a middle rope elbow for two. Cat rakes the eyes and puts on the shoe, only to have Disco take it away and blast him in the face. Sonny’s distraction makes it only a two count though, allowing Cat to put the shoe back on and kick Disco for about the fifth time for the pin.

Rating: D. This really was the best thing they could think of to start a show? It’s really hard to care about a match with no build, no value and nothing beyond basic moves. The fact that it had Ernest Miller in there made things even less interesting. It’s not even a horrible match or anything, but there’s just no reason to care about something like that.

Judge Mills Lane won’t put up with any garbage tonight and will chase Bagwell or Piper if need be.

We recap the TV Title match. The video starts with Van Hammer surviving against Disco Inferno because the referee was down and a handful of tights. Then Flair saved Hammer from getting put through a table by banning hardcore matches, allowing Hammer to hit Hugh Morrus with a table and drive him through it. Somehow that earned him a TV Title shot here.

TV Title: Rick Steiner vs. Van Hammer

Keep in mind that there really isn’t a face in this match as there’s no reason to like either guy. Steiner comes out first for no apparent reason. They trade hard shots to the face to start and Steiner is knocked out to the floor. Steiner goes into his new standard of just driving someone down to the mat and ripping at their face a lot. Back up and Rick hammers away before taking Hammer outside to send him into the barricade.

Rick hits a horrible looking DDT on the exposed concrete and covers on the floor to continue getting on my nerves. Back in and Hammer hits him low, only to have Rick punch him in the face to take over again. They head outside one more time with Hammer nailing him in the head with a chair before taking him back inside for the Alabama Slam for two. Steiner bites him between the legs, punts him in the same spot (referee just watches him) and hits the Steiner Bulldog to retain.

Rating: F. Rick Steiner has reached the point where he’s an embarrassment. Between never selling anything from a chair shot to a low blow, there’s just nothing Hammer (who isn’t the guy you want carrying a bag of groceries, let alone a PPV title match) can do. What WCW saw in him other than name recognition I’ll never know, but if someone thinks he’s skilled in the ring, they have no business being in charge of a wrestling company.

We get an overhead view of the junkyard, which really just looks like a parking lot with a bunch of cars stacked up in a circle. The winner gets a trophy but Tenay can’t answer who is going to be in the match because it’s unsanctioned.

We recap David Flair being named US Champion, meaning we just see the segment again. Again, weren’t the Flairs fighting months ago about David siding with Torrie and having his father hold him down? Now David has ten women around him (including Torrie) and his dad made him US Title. That’s a big jump in the span of five months.

US Title: Dean Malenko vs. David Flair

David is defending of course and comes out with Torrie, in a very pushed up tied off top, shirt that might be nine inches long, and a black cowboy hat. Ric, Arn and Asya are here too but Johnny Boone is refereeing. Tony says David hasn’t been impressive in all of his title defenses. You know, all one of them.

Dean of course throws him down with ease and stomps away in the corner before planting David with a suplex. Ric comes in but gets decked as Dean puts on the Cloverleaf. Anderson nails the referee with a spinebuster, allowing Robinson to take over as referee. Dean Cloverleafs Asya but Ric nails him with the US Title to give David the pin.

Rating: F. Dang it this was just long enough to grade. As I said in the Nitro review, I get the idea they’re going for here, but wasn’t there another scrub you could put in there instead of Malenko? I know Dean isn’t going to be headlining a PPV anytime soon, but he’s the kind of guy that should actually be the US Champion. This kind of story is good in the right circumstances, but WCW isn’t in a place where they can turn yet another title into a joke and keep beating their midcard guys into the ground, even in a match that doesn’t end anywhere near clean.

Long recap of the Rednecks vs. the No Limit Soldiers, complete with the full I Hate Rap video. Barry Windham is such a talented drummer that he just scares the drums into playing themselves because he certainly isn’t hitting them. This includes a lot of shouting HOOTY HOO, which amazingly enough didn’t get the rappers over. Master P. is long gone, apparently saying that there weren’t enough of “his people” in the audience for the night the angle took off. That would be in P.’s hometown in New Orleans if you aren’t big on guys who shout like owls.

No Limit Solders vs. West Texas Rednecks

Swoll, B.A., Rey Mysterio Jr., Konnan

Curt Hennig, Barry Windham, Kendall Windham, Bobby Duncum Jr.

Elimination tag, which I believe is the first explanation of the rules for this match. The best part of this: the camera comes back to the arena early, showing ring announcer David Penzer counting the fans down on when to cheer. Tony fails at covering for him by saying that he was saying hi to his five family members in the audience. The levels that this company falls to when trying to cover their mistakes is astounding. Heenan redeems things a bit by saying that the Soldiers’ problem could be solved if they just put a light in their closets. Rey and Konnan make sure to shout a lot before we’re ready to go.

Mysterio and Barry get things going with the Cruiserweight Champion getting hammered down in the corner. Rey comes back by sending Barry into the corner and getting two off a split legged moonsault. Off to Hennig vs. B.A. with Armstrong nailing a dropkick before trying to talk some trash. Thankfully that goes nowhere as it’s off to Duncum before the big Swoll comes in with a bad looking clothesline. Swoll hammers on Duncum but Kendall comes in with a cheap shot to take over.

Kendall misses a charge into the post so Mysterio comes in without a tag. Naturally the referee is fine with this. Kendall tries to beat the rules into him but Rey nails him with a springboard seated senton to knock both Kendall and Duncum out to the floor. Back in and it’s Konnan vs. Hennig before Rey hits another springboard seated senton on Hennig. Duncum and Hennig both get hammered in the corner until it’s Swoll ducking Duncum’s cross body for two in an awkward sequence. Rey adds a springboard legdrop and Swoll pins Bobby.

The other Soldiers, Chase and 4×4 (who makes Ezekiel Jackson look like David Flair) beat up Duncum in the aisle because they’re heroes. Barry and Konnan hammer away on each other until Curt comes back in for a double clothesline. Off to BA as the Rednecks keep control with Curt nailing a quick HennigPlex to make it 3-3. Mysterio tried to dive in for a save but came in too fast and basically started crawling in slow motion for no logical reason.

So it’s Konnan getting beaten down now with Kendall hitting a bad looking lariat and a slightly better looking slam. He misses a middle rope knee though and Konnan hits a rolling lariat of his own (called a DDT by Tony), followed by the facebuster for two. Rey dropkicks Kendall into a horrible “rollup” for the pin on Kendall. Barry DDTs Konnan for two as 4×4 and Chase beat up Kendall.

Everything breaks down with Barry going to the floor…..and being carried off by Chase with Konnan following. For some reason this isn’t a DQ and both guys are counted out. So it’s Hennig vs. Swoll/Mysterio. Swoll comes in for some incredibly sloppy offense as Barry comes back in. Curt tries to bail but 4×4 stops him in his tracks. Back in and Swoll hits his stupid palm strike to the chest before bringing in Rey for the Jimmy Snuka/Andre the Giant big splash off the shoulders for the pin.

Rating: C-. Swoll is horrible. Like he’s really, really bad, to the point that he can barely throw punches correctly. I understand that he was really new at this, but as WCW should have learned over the years, that’s why he shouldn’t be on a major show like this. The Soldiers continue to act entirely like heels here, just like they have for most of this feud.

The announcers chat for a bit about the rest of the card.

We get Hak’s challenge for the junkyard match.

Junkyard Invitational

Ciclope, Jerry Flynn, Johnny Grunge, Hak, Horace Hogan, Brian Knobs, Hugh Morrus, La Parka, Lord Steven Regal, Fit Finlay, Rocco Rock, Silver King, Squire David Taylor, and Mikey Whipwreck

They’re in a junkyard, first person to climb over a fence wins. The place is huge so there’s almost no way to see more than four or five people at once unless you go to a helicopter shots. Public Enemy (a surprise) flips a car over as I’m only going to be able to call big spots. There are barrels of fire everywhere. Jerry Flynn puts an electrical cord into an engine to make sparks fly out. Knobbs dives off one car for an elbow onto King on the roof of a van.

Finlay hits la Parka in the ribs with a bumper as Dave Taylor hits Morrus in the head with a trashcan lid. The annoyed look on Morrus’ face as he just keeps walking is rather amusing. The camera shots are only lasting about ten seconds at most so it’s hard to call much of anything. Jimmy Hart is running around in a yellow shirt and a hard hat. Rocco Rock is thrown into the window of a van. Morrus dives off a car with an elbow onto Rock because they’re already repeating spots.

I think Ciclope dives off a car onto about six guys before they start throwing things at each other instead of doing anything coherent. Finlay goes Captain America by blocking a punch with a trashcan lid and hitting Horace in the face with it. Brian wraps Taylor in a tire as we’re waiting on someone to try and win. Rocco and Horace make the first trip over with Horace making a last second save to keep Rock from escaping.

Silver King is bleeding from the arm as this just keeps going. Taylor has to dance out of a tire before Knobs and Hak put Finlay in a car. A forklift pops up and takes the car over to the crusher but Finlay gets out to prevent death. Of course the forklift hasn’t been seen all match until this point. Then another car blows up and Finlay climbs over the fence to win.

Rating: N/A. This wasn’t wrestling, and quite frankly I’m really not sure what it was. Why in the world WCW thought this was a good idea is beyond me and I’m sure the live audience is going to be THRILLED after having sat there for fifteen minutes waiting on this to end. On top of all that, Finlay would hurt his leg soon after this at a house show (in a hardcore match of course) and be out for months, making the whole thing worthless. I can’t imagine he’s the only one to get injured in this mess either.

We recap the Triad vs. Saturn/Benoit. They fought each other, then they fought each other some more, then they had some singles matches, now they’re having a title match. For some reason we get a bunch of clips of the eight man tag from Nitro which doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, other than a boxing match. They’re trying to tie this into the old vs. new feud, which doesn’t even seem to be a thing anymore.

Tag Team Titles: Chris Benoit/Perry Saturn vs. Jersey Triad

The Triad is defending. Kanyon starts on the floor as Saturn and Page slug it out in the middle. It’s Saturn taking over with a bunch of right hands before knocking Bigelow and Kanyon off the apron for good measure. Off to Bigelow vs. Benoit as the announcers call Benoit an uncrowned champion. Hasn’t he been a three time champion by this point? Bam Bam gets dropped into the middle buckle and sent out to the floor for a meeting with his partners.

Back in and Kanyon fights out of a suplex from Saturn and knees him down against the ropes. He grabs the referee to block a German attempt, only to have Benoit chop him into a t-bone. Back to Benoit for the decapitation clothesline followed by a Liontamer (which he used before Jericho). A double clothesline drops Kanyon for two more as the challengers stay in full control. Benoit stomps Kanyon down in the corner and starts in on his leg.

Saturn drops a top rope legdrop for two but Page comes in without a tag to take over, sending Saturn to the floor for a triple team to take over. Bigelow comes in for a big suplex and a falling headbutt for two. Back to Kanyon after Bigelow uses Flair’s “how much time is left” trick. Kanyon drops a leg for one of the slowest two counts I can remember in a long time. The fans get distracted by something in the crowd so Bigelow puts Saturn in a chinlock.

Kanyon comes back in but gets crotched on the top, setting up a belly to belly superplex from Saturn. Benoit gets the hot tag and goes after Bigelow, only to have Page take him down with a top rope clothesline. Page is VERY pleased with this move, running out to the floor and celebrating like a mad man, even climbing onto the barricade. Back in and Page gets two off an elbow drop before it’s off to Bigelow for some fat man offense.

Page comes in again and runs Benoit over for two with Saturn making the save. We get a front chancery from Page but Benoit drives him into the corner for the hot tag, which of course the referee doesn’t see. That wicked sitout powerbomb from Page is good for two. Benoit finally suplexes Kanyon down but Bigelow breaks up a hot tag attempt. Bam Bam misses the moonsault though and we FINALLY get the hot tag to Saturn (which the camera doesn’t catch).

Saturn cleans house with suplexes and clotheslines Page and Kanyon out to the floor. Everything breaks down again and Saturn hits a top rope splash, followed by the Swan Dive from Benoit but Page comes in off the top for the save. Saturn loads Page up with the Death Valley Driver but Kanyon throws powder in his face, only to have it get in Page’s eyes too, causing him to Diamond Cut Kanyon. Bigelow makes the save but Benoit Germans Page for a VERY close two. Page throws in a metal trashcan as the referee gets bumped. He hits Kanyon by mistake but Bigelow comes in for a 3D on Saturn to retain the titles.

Rating: B+. Give that match a less messy finish and it’s a classic. There was a lot of good stuff in here and the majority of it was due to how much time they were given. Everyone was allowed to get in there for awhile and the fans bought into the idea of two guys trying to fight against the big cheating team. They gave it a great effort and the whole thing just worked. Really good stuff here, though not enough to save this disaster of the show.

Clip of Judge Mills Lane agreeing to referee the boxing match. That’s all of the recap because there was no reason for this to be a boxing match other than Piper barely being a wrestler anymore.

Roddy Piper vs. Buff Bagwell

Big time boxing referee Mills Lane is referee here to try to make people care. In case you’ve never seen him, just picture Mr. Strickland from Back to the Future. Piper has Flair in his corner. Buff’s gloves are actually labeled “Buff’s Left” and “Buff’s Right”. Bagwell sees Flair in Piper’s corner, so he has someone to have his back: HIS MOM, “Judge Judy” Bagwell. And I give up. Seriously it was bad enough when this was boxing instead of Piper just doing a freaking job for Bagwell like he should be doing, but now BUFF’S MOM IS HERE???

Flair gives Bagwell a chance to leave but Buff reminds him of the pin off the Blockbuster a few weeks back. You know, when Flair put Bagwell over in the middle of the ring in the whole point of this entire story. The rounds are two minutes long here. Piper sticks his chin out to start until Buff hammers him into the corner. The fans are dead at this point if you couldn’t guess. Bagwell tees off on Piper (well, as much as he can BECAUSE HE ISN’T A BOXER) to end the first round.

Flair sprays something on Piper’s gloves in between the rounds as this continues to fall apart. Piper hits a few jabs to the face and Bagwell’s eyes are burning. He gets punched down in the corner as Judy brings over a sponge to try and clean Buff’s eyes out. Back up and Piper wildly swings until Buff knocks Piper down in the corner in an identical sequence from Piper vs. Mr. T. thirteen years ago, because that’s what this is supposed to be….a tribute to I suppose? Piper gets up as round two ends.

I’m going to pause for a second here and give you a bit of context to what is about to happen. Fifteen months ago, WCW was still in control of the Monday Night Wars and hadn’t lost a night in the ratings in nearly two years. Their last win was about nine months before this. Yeah they were in trouble, but it’s not like they were so desperate for something good to happen that they had to go insane. A few weeks back, Buff Bagwell hit his finishing move and pinned Ric Flair in the middle of the ring on Nitro, which should have been the start of a huge push for him. After all that, I give you the third round of this boxing match.

Piper jumps Bagwell in the corner and attacks Bagwell early, so his mother Judy gets in the ring and bites Piper’s ear. She then dumps the spit bucket over Piper’s head as Buff punches Flair off the apron. Buff goes up and hits the Blockbuster on Piper as Judy holds Flair on the apron, allowing Buff to pin Piper for the win. Judy chases the President of WCW around the ring after the match.

Rating: G. As in below an F and for GOOD FREAKING GRIEF THEY REALLY COULDN’T COME UP WITH ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS??? Piper wasn’t capable of doing a five minute match and doing a job for Bagwell? Does WCW really think that it’s important enough to protect him from taking a fall in a wrestling match that they’ll let him take a fall in a boxing match? Read that sentence back and see how insane it sounds. Now throw in Judy Bagwell and more hijinks than an episode of Looney Tunes and you see what happened to WCW in the summer of 1999.

We recap Nash/Sting vs. Savage/Sid. Savage being a woman beater and Nash potentially raping George is glossed over. On the other hand, the Fake Sting attacking Nash, causing Nash to go after Sting, even though the real Sting came out to beat up the Fake Sting, is left out with only the Fake Sting beating Nash down being shown. For some reason Nash wanted this to be a tag team match where anyone, including his partner, could pin him for the title. Again, this isn’t mentioned in the video. We’ll also ignore Nash saying he saw Sting driving the Hummer before we see that happening in the package.

WCW World Title: Sid Vicious/Randy Savage vs. Kevin Nash/Sting

Nash is defending in what is more like a handicap fatal fourway than a tag match if that makes sense. In theory Sting can only pin Nash for the title, meaning it’s basically one on one on two. Thankfully Tony mentions the whole Sting can pin Nash and the real Sting coming out during the entrances. Yes, we’ve reached the point where Tony Schiavone is having to cover for the production team’s goofs.

George (living up to the gorgeous moniker tonight) comes out in sunglasses but takes them off to reveal a black eye as she goes to stand in Nash’s corner. The reason for the black eye isn’t explained because that really wasn’t something that should have happened, nor is it even referenced by the announcers. Savage and Sting start but Randy sees George changing corners and freaks out. Sting uses the chance to deck Savage and the fight is slowly on.

Off to Sid to face Sting as Tony explains the rules, making this match even more confusing that it was in the first place. Sting quickly knocks Sid out to the floor but Nash isn’t interested in tagging. So in theory, if Nash doesn’t get pinned, he doesn’t lose the title? It’s not like we’ve ever gotten a clear answer to that, though to be fair I doubt WCW thought it that far through. Sid and Savage start double teaming Sting with the big man putting on a bad looking camel clutch.

Savage comes in and spits at the champ, but thankfully doesn’t hit his hair. Sting finally rolls away and makes the tag to Nash for all the usual offense. He has Savage in trouble but gives Sting a very hard tag to get out. Sting takes it outside and splashes the barricade before Savage takes him back inside for some choking. Tony points out that almost no one has tries to pin Nash yet, making the whole stipulation rather pointless.

Sid hooks one of the lamest chinlocks I’ve ever seen on Sting, who is nice enough to go down to the mat in a heap. Granted he might have fainted after hearing some of the nonsense they actually aired on this show. Sting fights up again and does the falling low blow spot, allowing for the hot tag off to Nash.

Everything breaks down and the girls come in, only to have Sting splash both of them plus Sid. Savage and Nash get splashed at the same time, allowing Sid to plant Sting with a chokeslam. George gets in and low blows Nash (SHOCK AND AWE, SHOCK AND AWE), setting up the big elbow from Savage for the pin and the title.

Rating: D-. I wonder if they bothered to tell everyone else in the match about the whole Sting can pin Nash rule, because it was NEVER attempted and was a complete non factor. George’s face turn (can you even call it that?) lasted all of twelve minutes, meaning she’s picking the woman beater over the kidnapper and potential rapist. I can’t believe I just had to type that, so I’ll wrap it up by saying it’s a horrible match.

Overall Rating: F. The fact that a REALLY good twenty three minute Tag Team Title match is needed to bring this show up to a failure tells you all you need to know. This show had eight matches. One of them was a joke with David Flair needing an army to beat Malenko, one wasn’t wrestling because it was a big fight in a junkyard, and one was a boxing match. Two of the others were matches that belonged on Thunder at best, another one was a boring elimination tag, and one MADE NO FREAKING SENSE.

This show blew my mind in ways that I honestly didn’t think were possible. Just let some of this stuff sink in for a few minutes. Roddy Piper apparently can’t be trusted in a five minute match, we can’t have a DQ anymore because Rick Steiner wouldn’t be able to have a match break 10 seconds if we did, and we have to drop stipulations that are made less than three days before the match. WCW is dying before our eyes and it’s kind of amazing to see in a morbid way.

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Great American Bash 1999
Date: June 13, 1999
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance: 11,672
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, Mike Tenay

To say this show doesn’t sound thrilling is an understatement. We’ve spent weeks getting ready for Nash vs. Savage with antics ranging from makeup to human waste to attempted murder. Other than that we have Rick Steiner no selling against Sting for the TV Title and more of the mess that is the Tag Team Title scene. Let’s get to it.

Master P. and the No Limit Soldiers arrive. Curt Hennig pops up and says how much he loves him and asks how much he loves him. P. signs a CD for him (which one of his guys just had in his pocket) and Hennig breaks it. The Soldiers all start jumping up and down and shoulding what sounds like “Hoody who” in high pitched voices. This is a southern promotion for a show in a southern city and they expect Hennig to be booed here?

The opening recap video shows us a stupid Savage vs. Nash feud.

Tony and the announcers explain who Master P. is and call him the biggest entertainer of our time. We hear about the main event as well.

We recap most of the matches on the card. Well at least it cuts into the main event time. They even go back and cover the hardcore match twice.

Hak vs. Brian Knobs

I sit corrected: this is a kendo stick match and Knobs is officially part of the First Family. So why did he say he had to think about it? Tony calls this a kendo stick hardcore match because they can’t even keep their stupid gimmicks straight through a single entrance. Brian has promised Mrs. Nasty a birthday win today so let’s get rid of the sticks and have a real hardcore match. So in the span of 90 seconds we’ve gone from kendo stick to kendo stick hardcore to hardcore. I know it doesn’t matter but it sounds like WCW has no idea what they’re doing.

Brian wants to throw away the weapons but Jimmy throws him a trashcan for a cheap shot. Knobs hits him in the head with a trashcan lid and there’s the Pit Stop. Hak stops a charge with two boots to the face and blasts Knobs with the trashcan. It’s ladder time but Knobs comes back with a trashcan shot of his own. He gets decked by the ladder though and Hak hits a slingshot….something onto the ladder onto Knobs.

Hak gets thrown into the ladder in the corner and a few more ladder shots put him down. The advantage only lasts a few seconds as you would expect but Hak’s Swanton only hits ladder. Jimmy holds up a chair but Hak sends him face first into the steel, setting up a kendo stick shot for the pin.

Rating: F. We waited thirteen minutes for the matches to start and this is the best they can give us? The only positive about this is the match wasn’t even six minutes long, which is way better than the usual lengths that we have to sit through. It’s still bad though and I’m tired of seeing these disasters.

Hugh Morrus comes out and helps beat down Knobs.

Piper is in the back when Buff comes up to thank him for giving him the ball. He has a big match tonight (against Disco Inferno) and promises to have Piper’s back tonight against Flair. Buff leaves and Piper mutters about stupid kids. Lines like that defeat the purpose of Piper as the mentor to the young guys. He should be thrilled with where the future is going instead of being annoyed with them for saying they’ll have his back. Also, is a match with Disco Inferno “getting the ball” when you had a US Title match last month?

Mikey Whipwreck vs. Van Hammer

Bonus match. Mikey gets shoved down a few times but comes back with some armdrags. Hammer chokes him to take over and drives a knee into Mikey’s ribs. A middle rope slam sends Mikey flying as the fans think this is boring. Hammer gets two off a delayed vertical suplex and a legdrop before we hit the abdominal stretch. Nick Patrick finally catches him holding the ropes so Hammer throws Mikey to the floor. Mikey goes throat first over the barricade but he comes back with a legdrop to the back of the head and a plancha. Back in and Hammer catches him in a spinebuster, setting up a cobra clutch slam for the pin.

Rating: D-. Somehow that was eight and a half minutes long. To recap, we can’t get Booker T. on this show but there’s time for Mikey Whipwreck vs. Van Hammer. Mikey is one of those hires that never made sense. He won like two matches in his six months with the company, even though WCW knew he was banged up when they got him. Eh whatever you can do to screw with ECW I guess.

Disco Inferno vs. Buff Bagwell

In case you didn’t get enough of it on Nitro I guess. They start fast for a change by trading kicks to the ribs until Disco grabs a neckbreaker to send him outside. Back in and Buff kicks him in the ribs a few times, setting up a swinging neckbreaker of his own. Buff cranks on an armbar and starts a DISCO SUCKS chant. An early Blockbuster attempt sends Disco running to the floor and Buff says it was that close.

Back in and Bagwell flips him off (some hero) so Disco nails him with a Stun Gun to take over. Disco chokes on the ropes so Tony congratulates all the recent high school graduates in the country. Ok then. More slow stomping in the corner from Inferno followed by a dancing middle rope elbow for two. Disco goes up for the same spot but Buff moves (that might have been some miscommunication as Tony made a big deal about Bagwell not moving the first time) and starts his comeback.

Some right hands look to set up the Blockbuster but Buff takes too long and gets crotched. They head outside and Disco hits the Last Dance, only to take too long dancing to allow Bagwell to beat the count. Back in and the Macarena Driver (exactly what it sounds like) is countered with a backdrop. Buff hits some really basic stuff and goes up for the Blockbuster. Disco ducks away but Bagwell doesn’t bite and hits the Blockbuster for the pin. Nice little callback there.

Rating: D+. Of all the guys that WCW never pulled the trigger on, Bagwell might surprise me more than anyone else. He was young (29 here), an eight year veteran, had a great look and a good finisher, yet he never won a singles title in WCW. That’s not even factoring in the whole broken neck story. He’s a good example of a guy that could have been something but instead we’re stuck with the Steiners as the midcard champions and Nash vs. Savage for the World Title. Bagwell never would have carried the company or anything, but there’s no reason he couldn’t have gotten the US or TV Titles a few times.

We recap the battle of the musics. Again, WCW was stupid enough to think that the country boys would be the heels in this story.

DJ Ran wastes our time and brings in Master P. and the No Limit Soldiers.

Curt Hennig/Bobby Duncum Jr. vs. Rey Mysterio Jr./Konnan

Tenay actually picks rap. We also get the debut of Rap Is Crap as the cowboys’ theme song. I have no idea why A, Mysterio is Cruiserweight Champion is he never defends the thing and B, why he and Konnan come out wearing gas masks. Tenay tries and fails at getting me to care about Master P. The rappers jump Hennig for talking trash about Master P. and the cowboys are quickly dispatched. P. gets in a cheap shot to the back of Curt’s head because that’s what good guys down.

We get down to an actual match with Mysterio dropkicking Hennig to the floor and nailing a plancha but diving into a backbreaker from Duncum. A big powerbomb plants Rey again and Hennig slams him down as well. Rey takes the Bret Hart chest bump into the corner and the cowboys keep things slow. The referee misses the hot tag to Konnan and takes him to the floor, allowing Bobby to send Mysterio hard into the barricade.

Back in and Curt hits a perfect dropkick to Rey’s jaw and spits at Konnan to draw him in. Bobby crotches him against the post and Rey is in big trouble. Hennig does a Rude hip swivel and it’s quickly back to Duncum. Rey crawls through the legs and tags Konnan which the referee sees but “he didn’t see it” so it doesn’t count.

Hennig gets two off a suplex but Rey moonsaults over him and scores with a dropkick. Now the hot tag brings in Konnan as everything breaks down. There’s the Bronco Buster to Curt and he fights with Konnan on the floor. Cue Barry Windham to nail Konnan but Master P.’s bodyguard Swoll jumps the barricade and nails Duncum, setting up a slingshot legdrop for the pin.

Rating: D+. This was pretty dull and the ending was messier than it needed to be. The idea doesn’t work either as the country boys are far more popular with WCW’s fan base but we’re supposed to cheer for rappers who jump up and down and shout HOODY WHO for some reason. But hey, at least Master P. is on the show right?

The cowboys destroy the rappers post match.

The announcers talk about what we just saw and we look at a replay of it to waste even more time.

Cat vs. Scott Norton

Sonny has a briefcase with him. Actually scratch Norton as Horace comes out to complain about getting hit with the crowbar on Thursday. Time for a replacement.

Cat vs. Horace Hogan

Horace says Miller couldn’t even beat himself and the fight is on. Cat gets beaten down in the corner and choked with a boot before they head outside. That goes nowhere so Miller kicks him in the face back inside. Miller slams him down and throws Horace outside for some kicks from Sonny. Back in and Horace hits a slam of his own and drops an elbow for two. A splash gets two more but Sonny gets up on the apron for a distraction. Horace sees through it and backdrops Miller to the floor. In the confusion, Miller gets his sparkly red shoe from the briefcase and kicks Horace senseless for the pin.

Rating: D-. Oh come on man I already had to sit through this on Thunder. Isn’t that enough for WCW? I knew things were going to get bad around this time but no one told me I was going to have to sit through this match twice in four days. Miller needs to turn face soon and Horace needs to turn to another career.

We recap Piper vs. Flair. Piper is old, Flair is crazy (actually just more evil than anything else) and they’re fighting for control of the company.

Roddy Piper vs. Ric Flair

Flair has Asya and Arn with him. They trade chops to start and Piper takes over with some lefts to the face. We get a delayed Flair Flop and Ric begs off in the corner. The slowest backslide this side of the last Piper match gets two and Flair gets punched to the floor. Back in and Piper bites Flair’s nose, followed by even more of his weird punches. Ric finally gets in a low blow to get a breather and things slow down even more. Anderson gets in a shot on the floor and Asya adds a rake of the eyes.

There’s another low blow from Flair but a sunset flip sends his trunks down as usual. Ric gets slammed off the top and Piper nails Anderson for bad measure. I can’t say there’s anything good, even a measure, in this match. Back in and Roddy puts on a sleeper but Flair quickly breaks it. Anderson trips up Roddy so Flair can nail Piper with a foreign object. Piper is up at two but there’s the Figure Four. Bagwell comes out to break up Anderson’s interference and goes in, drawing the DQ.

Rating: F. Gah. Seriously just gah. This was another mess with Flair having to work down to Piper’s level and Piper just being awful. I have no idea why WCW insists on keeping Piper out there when the fans don’t care and the stories go on and on. Piper and Flair had a great feud seventeen years ago. We really don’t need to see it again here and this match is good proof of why.

Post match Piper nails Bagwell, making this whole feud TOTALLY POINTLESS. Bagwell gets whipped with a belt for good measure. So yeah, Piper is in league with Flair and Anderson, presumably for daring to challenge the status quo.

DJ Ran. Again.

We recap Sting vs. Rick Steiner who are fighting…..actually I have no idea why they’re fighting. My best guess is Goldberg is out making a movie though.

Sting vs. Rick Steiner

This is hardcore and non-title for no apparent reason. Sting scores with an early clothesline and they head outside to start brawling. That’s a bit too boring though so they head inside where Rick nails some forearms to the back. A pair of atomic drops don’t have much effect on Steiner and they head outside again. Tony says there must be a winner.

Steiner hits Sting with a chair and then a beer. Sting comes back but the Stinger Splash hits the barricade. A piledriver on the exposed concrete gets two and somehow doesn’t break Sting’s neck. Back in and Rick gets two more off a release German suplex, followed by the chinlock. Rick cannonballs down onto Sting’s back and gets two off an elbow drop. Sting finally gets his knees up to crotch Rick and some Vader Bombs actually keep him down.

The top rope splash connects for two and Sting is all fired up. He nails the Stinger Splash and puts on the Deathlock but Rick crawls under the ropes. They fight to the internet location and into the back where Tank Abbot is waiting…..with two dobermans and a rottweiler who attack Sting. They take Sting down as security runs in like a bad shot from an action movie. Rick is declared the winner as the fans just rip this apart.

Rating: F-. Three dogs. Three dogs. THREE DOGS. Next. Please.

The Steiners say Rick pinned Sting off camera because WCW was too scared to air it. They own WCW, Baltimore sucks, etc.

We recap the Triad against Saturn/Benoit. The easiest version: Kanyon was in league with the Jersey boys the whole time but Benoit and Saturn beat Kanyon and Page for the titles on Thunder.

Tag Team Titles: Chris Benoit/Saturn vs. Kanyon/Diamond Dallas Page

The announcers are joking about pyro after Sting WAS NEARLY MAULED BY DOGS. That’s a long running problem with commentators: they have the attention span of drunken gnats. Someone must get in their ear as they start talking about how terrifying a moment it was but assure us that Sting was dragged away from the dogs. Benoit runs Kanyon over to start and Page isn’t pleased. The champs clear the ring with clotheslines and Benoit stands…..well not very tall actually.

It’s off to Page vs. Saturn with DDP taking a few slams. Everything breaks down again and the champions easily dispatch the Jersey boys. That’s not enough for them though as they go outside to beat up Bigelow before snapping off overhead belly to bellies on Page and Kanyon. Bigelow trips Benoit to the floor and sends him into the barricade to get the first advantage. Kanyon gets two off a middle rope Fameasser and Benoit is in trouble. Back to Page whose powerbomb is countered into a sunset flip but Benoit gets kicked right back down.

The helicopter bomb gets two on Benoit and it’s back to Kanyon, but he misses a moonsault. The hot tag brings in Saturn for a frog splash on Page. Saturn hammers on Page in the corner but Kanyon takes him down with an electric chair faceplant for two. Things settle back down with the challengers hitting a nice sequence into a Russian legsweep from Kanyon and an elbow drop from Page. Saturn grabs a sunset flip but Kanyon tags out on the way down and holds Saturn’s head so Page can come in off the top for the save.

Back to Kanyon for a front facelock into a swinging neckbreaker. A sitout Dominator from Kanyon gives Page two but he misses a charge into the corner. It’s finally enough for the second hot tag to bring in Benoit for some much needed house cleaning. Kanyon takes the Rolling Germans for two but Page makes the save.

We get the old school dragon suplex for a VERY close two and Benoit hits the Swan Dive, only to have Saturn dive into the Diamond Cutter. Cue Dean Malenko to try and help Saturn back in but the distraction lets Bigelow come in to lift Benoit up for a super Diamond Cutter. Kanyon’s unconscious body is put on top for the pin and the titles.

Rating: B-. I’m so glad they gave us that three day reign before the Triad got the belts back. As usual the (mostly) old guys get the win and the titles while the (mostly) young generation is laid out. In theory this sets up a six man at least which should be good, but knowing WCW it leads to Benoit, Saturn and Malenko jobbing for months.

Dean gets laid out too.

We recap Savage vs. Nash. Savage wanted a title shot so he put lipstick on Nash’s face, called him a stupid person and tried to have him crushed with a Hummer. Don’t you see the logical progression of events?

WCW World Title: Kevin Nash vs. Randy Savage

Nash is defending and powers Savage into the corner to start, showing absolutely no injuries from being crushed by a Hummer six days earlier. Wait scratch that as he winces a bit after a clothesline in the corner. The impact is kind of lost though when he picks Savage up for a side slam three seconds later.

Randy starts going after the ribs and knocks Nash to the floor so the girls can get in shots of their own. Back in and Savage drops the big elbow for two. Nash comes back with Snake Eyes followed by a big boot and the strap comes down. The girls all interfere and get dispatched but SID VICIOUS runs in and attacks Nash for the DQ.

Rating: F. The main event of a pay per view didn’t even make it seven and a half minutes. Actually that’s a bit better than the alternative of watching these two fight any longer as it’s clear that Savage has nothing left in the ring. Sid interfering was a big surprise as he hadn’t been seen in a major wrestling company (unless you count ECW) since 1997. Nash not selling the ribs for the opening part of the match brought it down but you can’t expect Nash to sell and toss his hair at the same time.

Overall Rating: F. If I’ve ever seen a less interesting or worse show, I can’t recall it off the top of my head. There was one good match, three matches that should have been on Nitro or Thunder (one of which was) and Sting being attacked by dogs. Say that out loud and see if you think it’s stupid. Couple that with the horrible main event and there isn’t much to feel good about.

The problem here is much more than the wrestling being bad. This show died because there’s nothing interesting going on. Nothing on here makes me want to tune in to see what’s coming. It’s all the old guys dominating and the young guys getting beaten down. In theory that should set up a good story, but I have no faith in WCW to pull that off. Hogan’s return looms over everything too and that might make things even worse. I’m not sure how, but it could. This was one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen and I didn’t see much hope.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Slamboree 1999
Date: May 9, 1999
Location: TWA Dome, St. Louis, Missouri
Attendance: 20,516
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, Mike Tenay

Things are going downhill in a hurry around here and the pay per views can be the biggest disasters they have. The main event here is Page vs. Nash for the title along with a Sting vs. Goldberg match that you had to pay attention to hear about. We also have Piper vs. Crazy Flair for control of the company, even though both have been fired in recent weeks. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is your basic look at the three main events with a bunch of circles coming out of the middle of the screen. The rest of the card gets a quick focus as well.

The announcers do their opening chat.

Gene runs down the card as well and plugs the Hotline.

Tag Team Titles: Chris Benoit/Dean Malenko vs. Saturn/Raven vs. Kidman/Rey Mysterio Jr.

Kidman and Mysterio are defending and this is one fall to a finish with three guys in the ring at once. You can only tag your own partner. Saturn and Kidman drop Malenko with a double clothesline to start before a dropkick puts Dean on the floor. Benoit comes in and gets dropkicked as well before Saturn nails Kidman with a dropkick. A huge belly to belly suplex sends Kidman flying out to the floor as the fans think the Horsemen suck.

Back in and Benoit grabs a German suplex on Kidman for two with Raven making a save. Rey comes in and throws Raven down before taking Chris down with a hurricanrana. Mysterio’s slingshot legdrop hits Benoit by mistake to give Raven two. Kidman and Benoit drop Raven across the top rope but the Canadian turns on his short term partner. This is really fast paced stuff so far.

Kidman misses a top rope splash on Benoit and gets caught in the Crossface until Raven makes a save. Raven hits a front suplex on Kidman so Saturn can nail a top rope splash but Dean makes a save of his own. Malenko throws Rey over his head but Mysterio lands on the top rope and moonsaults back onto Dean for two. Awesome spot. All six guys are in now but it’s quickly down to just Raven and Saturn.

The Horsemen come back in to clean house and double team Saturn. They do the same to the champions until we settle down to Benoit vs. Kidman vs. Saturn. Kidman runs Benoit over but Saturn crotches him on the top and runs him over, sending Kidman to the floor. Benoit runs Saturn over and knocks him out to the floor as well. Back and in and Benoit and Saturn collide to give Chris a two count. Benoit rolls some Germans but Kidman runs in for a last second save.

Saturn counters the Cloverleaf with a small package for two but Kidman makes another save. Dean spits at Rey to tick him off, allowing the Horsemen to run Kidman over. It’s back to the tagging again as the announcers are saying let the guys fight. A snap suplex gets two on Saturn and Benoit stomps away at Kidman. Dean comes back in and throws Kidman in the air, earning him a dropkick to the chest. Saturn tags Raven in for some rolling vertical suplexes on Benoit for two.

Kidman brings in Mysterio for some near falls and everything breaks down. A top rope clothesline drops Benoit and a springboard seated senton does the same to Saturn. There’s a Bronco Buster to Raven before the champs do the launched hurricanrana off the top to take down Benoit. They try it on Saturn but Mysterio gets planted with a super sitout powerbomb.

Kidman reverses a powerbomb from Saturn but Saturn calls for the Death Valley Driver. This brings in Anderson for the spinebuster to Saturn and Dean puts on the Cloverleaf. Someone in a Sting mask, DDP shirt and backwards hat comes in to shove Kidman into the Evenflow to give Raven the pin and the titles.

Rating: B+. This was a really hot opener and I can’t imagine how good it was going to be if they let the guys go nuts like Tony was asking for. Either way it got the crowd into things and was the right way to end this long running feud. Raven and Saturn are the only ones that haven’t had the belts yet, though they didn’t need Kanyon’s help to get them.

The masked man was Kanyon.

Video on Page.

Konnan vs. Stevie Ray

This is due to Ray attacking Konnan a few weeks back. Ray hammers Konnan down in the corner to start but Konnan comes back with right hands and a float around bulldog for two. Back up and Stevie nails a big boot to take over before sending Konnan out to the floor for a beating from the Black and White. Stevie hooks a chinlock back inside before a suplex gets two. Konnan fights up for the rolling clothesline and X-Factor but has to knock Vincent off the apron. Mysterio comes out to try for a save but has to fight off the Black and White. In the confusion, Rey nails a top rope seated senton on Stevie to give Konnan the rollup pin.

Rating: F. A six minute Stevie Ray vs. Konnan match had a referee distraction and three people interfering for a rollup finish. The match was boring and WAY too much chinlock before all of the interference. It doesn’t help that the story was barely there, making the match feel all the more pointless.

Video on Nash.

Rick Steiner says he has a lot to prove.

Video on Sting, mostly with clips from 1997.

Page and Bigelow are in the back and have a conversation we can’t hear.

King of Hardcore: Brian Knobs vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

I think the title is vacant coming in but you can’t really tell with this company. We get a bonus stipulation for the match: falls count anywhere. I guess that’s only standard in WWF hardcore rules. Neither guy has music. They start with the weapons early and Brian nails him with a waiter’s tray and cookie sheet. Bigelow botches raising his feet in the corner by kicking the trashcan when it’s down by Brian’s knees. Bam Bam puts him on his shoulder for something like a backwards suplex into a Diamond Cutter for two.

The top rope headbutt gets two for Bigelow as the announcers get in a stupid argument over talking when the weapons hit. Knobs misses a chair shot and falls out to the floor to really make it hardcore. Bigelow sends him into the steps and hits Brian with various metal weapons. He uses a pair of trashcan lids like cymbals around Knobs’ head and hits a LOUD cookie sheet to the head.

Both guys are already looking spent. Bigelow is sent into the weapons cart but Brian misses a charge into it as well. Brian gets a mop bucket put on his head and a punch makes things even worse. The fans want tables but get a chair to Knobs’ ribs instead. They fight over to the souvenir stand that is there for them to fight in. Off to backstage (complete with a shot of about 10,000-15,000 empty seats. Remember that this is a football stadium) and swing a ladder at each other. Knobs dives off a ledge onto Bigelow to drive him through a table. Naturally he jumps too far and just crashes because this match is a disaster. Bigelow suplexes him through the table for the win.

Rating: D-. Heenan’s line of “And they do this for a living” sums up the whole thing. The fact that these people make more money than I likely will in years makes me feel very very sad, though that might be due to the last twenty five minutes of whatever it was that I’ve had to sit through. Between Stevie’s lame chinlock and this mess, I need something good to cleanse the pallet.

We recap Rick Steiner vs. Booker T. THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!! They’re fighting because Booker is champion and Rick Steiner is employed for some reason.

TV Title: Booker T. vs. Rick Steiner

Booker is defending. They circle each other for a minute or so until Rick hammers him with right hands and a belly to belly suplex. Booker bails to the floor for a breather as the crowd is silent. Back in and Booker fires off some kicks with a spinning shot to the face putting Rick on the floor again. Steiner head back inside and gets elbowed in the jaw for two before the champ puts on a chinlock.

They head outside a third time with Rick sending him into the barricade over and over. A release German gets two for Steiner and he hammers away with right hands on the mat. Booker tries to fight back but gets elbowed into the corner to keep him in trouble. Back to the chinlock on the champion before a hard kick to the face drops Steiner again. The sidewalk slam sets up the missile dropkick but Scott Steiner runs out for a distraction. Rick gets two off a Steiner Line but Booker sends the brothers together. The side kick gets two and Booker is fired up, until Scott grabs his foot. The Steiner Bulldog gives Rick the title.

Rating: D. Can anyone explain to me why the Steiners are both champions in 1999? He’s had like two matches back and he gets to pin Booker T. on PPV? It’s getting really frustrating watching Booker have consistently good matches (when he doesn’t have a horrible opponent of course) and have to keep rebuilding himself up because WCW keeps wasting him.

We recap Gorgeous George vs. Charles Robinson. This is a side feud of Savage vs. Flair who are feuding for reasons not quite clear. Robinson is Little Naitch here and has been calling George a bimbo.

Rick looks for Scott in the back and warns Buff Bagwell to be careful tonight.

Charles Robinson vs. Gorgeous George

If George wins, Savage is reinstated. Robinson is doing a perfect Flair impression here, complete with the smirk and strut. The nurse is now named Asya (oh so funny) and Flair is at ringside here. Charles’ fingers are even taped up. Thankfully George isn’t dressed like Savage. Flair says he’s always wanted Madusa to ride Space Mountain and Miss Madness can come with her. George is being left to Little Naitch though and Charles says he’ll let George ride Space Mountain all night. Savage gets on the mic (pop of the night so far) and says George is going to destroy Robinson.

We get started and Charles is now in regular Flair gear. They stall for about a minute and Naitch avoids the lockup and WOOs. Well woos actually since he’s Little Naitch. Robinson gets in Savage’s face so George cranks on his arm. They trade wristlocks with George cranking on a hammerlock followed by a full nelson. She shoves the Nature Boys together and the big guys get in for a staredown.

Robinson and Miss Madness fight over a chair on the floor. Naitch shoves her down and slams her so Savage calls for a medic. The regular referee shoves Robinson down as the match kind of stops for a bit. Back in and Robinson chokes George on the ropes before being sent into the corner for a Flair Flip. He runs the apron and goes up, only to get slammed off the top. George nails a clothesline and the Flair Flop sets up a two count.

Asya trips George up and cranks on her knee but Kung Fu Madusa makes the save with a kick to the head. Robinson goes after the bad leg and NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL! He puts on the Figure Four but George turns it over. Flair sneaks in to save Robinson but Savage slams Robinson, setting up the top rope elbow from George (so much for the leg) for the pin.

Rating: C. Well they tried. That’s more important than anything else here and the match was WAY better than it could have been. This could have been a disaster and it wound up being a fun little match. Robinson nailed the impression and George looked great in her cheerleader outfit. Again, they tried and that’s what matters in something like this.

We recap Steiner vs. Bagwell, which stems from Steiner blaming Buff for losing the TV Title and Buff saying Steiner’s ego was out of control.

US Title: Buff Bagwell vs. Scott Steiner

Buff is challenging and jumps Steiner before he can get to the mic. A swinging neckbreaker drops Scott while he still has the belt on. Steiner drops Buff with a low blow and the muscle clothesline gets two. He plants Buff ribs first against the turnbuckle before tying him up in the Tree of Woe to crank on Bagwell’s neck. Scott chokes and swears a lot before planting Buff with a butterfly powerbomb for two. Total dominance so far.

There’s a belly to belly but Scott goes outside and grabs a chair. Buff clotheslines it into the champ’s face before making his comeback with a dropkick. There’s an atomic drop but Scott pulls the referee in front of a clothesline. Cue Rick Steiner to chair Buff into the Recliner to keep the title on Scott.

Rating: D. Erg this show is trying to drive me crazy. I have no idea why WCW thinks the Steiner Brothers being together (after never having a real match against each other) is a good idea, but this is what they’re going with to combat Austin and Rock vs. the Corporate Ministry. They deserve what they get.

Video on Goldberg.

Video on the two singles matches people might want to see. That would be Sting vs. Goldberg and Nash vs. Page if it’s not clear.

Video on Flair being the crazy president. I’m sure the fans must be loving this.

Roddy Piper vs. Ric Flair

For the Presidency. Charles Robinson comes out to be referee and Johnny Boone is fired for the heck of it. Piper slaps Flair down to start as Tenay tries to make sense of who has been fired. Tony: “Who knows?” Ric is knocked to the floor but Robinson won’t let Roddy go after him. Back in and they trade chops in the corner until Piper punches Flair down. They head outside with Piper throwing more chops against the barricade to keep control.

Back in again and a low blow puts Piper down. Robinson: “You got a stomach ache?” He yells at Piper for choking before turning his back so Anderson and Asya can get in some shots of their own. Another low blow drops Roddy but Flair takes forever to cover, allowing Piper to make his comeback. He can’t follow up after a backdrop though and Anderson chokes him on the ropes. Roddy fights back with chops to Ric’s chest and Flair flips over the corner and out to the floor.

That’s a bit too much work so they head back inside for a collision to fall on the mat. Flair is up first and starts going after the knee as this match just won’t end. A cannonball onto the leg sets up the Figure Four but Piper quickly turns it over. Ric sends him outside again but gets his trunks taken down on a sunset flip attempt.

The worst backslide in history gets no count as Robinson is with Anderson and a small pile of unfastened boxes (there’s no package to it at all) gets the same. Piper puts on the Figure Four and Flair shouts that he gives up but Anderson comes in for the save. Roddy slaps a sleeper on him but has to let it go to put it on Ric. Asya comes in for the save and gets kissed and put in the hold as well. Piper finally nails Robinson but gets hit with a foreign object as Robinson gets up just in time to count the pin.

Rating: F. This was on pay per view in 1999 so it’s a failure on principle alone. On top of that, the match was a disaster with the spots being totally blown and neither guy looking like he had the energy to last three minutes let alone the twelve this got (third longest match on the card). Horrible match, but we’re not done yet.

Eric Bischoff comes out for the first time in months and says he isn’t screwing this up. He declares Piper the winner for reasons that aren’t explained. Why he has the authority to do this (remember that he had his power stripped), why he’s suddenly good (not explained) and why he did this (ok to be fair there are about a million reasons to disqualify Flair. I’ll give him that one) aren’t explained. Piper immediately fires Flair and thanks Bischoff for what he did.

Very quick video on Goldberg vs. Sting in case you didn’t catch the other three of them.

Sting vs. Goldberg

The announcers spend the entrances trying to explain the Bischoff stuff. Feeling out process to start with Sting trying to escape a powerslam but falling out of the air. A powerslam puts Sting down again and Goldberg clotheslines him out to the floor. Back in and Sting ducks a superkick and hits a dropkick to stagger Goldberg. A clothesline puts Goldberg outside as well and it’s a stalemate.

Back in and Goldberg puts on a cross armbreaker but Sting makes the ropes. Sting goes after the knee and drops all of his weight down onto it a few times. There’s a Boston crab but Goldberg powers out of it and sends Sting out to the floor again. Back in and Sting grabs a headlock as this is still in low second gear.

The headlock goes about as well as you would expect and Goldberg hiptosses Sting over. A horrible looking swinging neckbreaker drops Sting for two but he jumps to the top for a clothesline. The Stinger Splash is countered into a spinebuster which the announcers call a spear. Cue Bret Hart to beat up the referee and whack Goldberg with a chair for the no contest.

Rating: D+. This was really dull as they were just filling time until they got to the stupid ending. Sting vs. Goldberg is a match that should have headlined Starrcade at some point but instead it’s used as a plot device to get Bret Hart back on television, because you know WCW is going to use him right after a year and a half of wasting him.

Bret destroys Goldberg’s knee for a bit and leaves. The Steiners come out to beat up Sting and Goldberg because they’re the top villains now I guess.

Yet another Nash vs. Page video because three weren’t enough.

WCW World Title: Diamond Dallas Page vs. Kevin Nash

Nash is challenging. Page tries a fast Diamond Cutter but gets shoved away, only to come back with rights and lefts. A big boot puts the champion on the floor before Nash brings him back inside for some slow right hands. Page fights out of the corner and keeps swinging away until Nash shoves him across the ring. A low blow stops Nash and Page uses the distraction to cut off a turnbuckle pad. That’s just a distraction to let Page hit Nash with the microphone for two.

Nash rolls to the middle of the ring and pulls Page face first into the exposed buckle. A very delayed cover gets two as both guys are still laying on the mat. They slug it out again and a clothesline puts Nash outside again. A Diamond Cutter on the floor lays Nash out, meaning we continue the lack of action. For reasons not quite clear, Page thinks this is falls count anywhere (he says that to the referee and is stunned when it’s not true). Back in and Page gets two with his feet on the ropes.

An elbow drop between Nash’s legs let Page pose even more. He goes to put on the Figure Four around the post but Nash kicks him into the barricade. Back in and Nash still can’t get up. The fans look at something in the crowd as Nash makes his comeback, complete with Snake Eyes onto the exposed buckle. There’s the Jackknife but Savage runs in for the DQ.

Wait scratch that as Bischoff still has some authority and says keep going. They’re just making this nonsense up as they go aren’t they? Tony says this is No DQ even though Bischoff never said that. Page hits a Russian legsweep and a clothesline for two before puttnig on a horrible looking sleeper. Nash reverses into a hold that looks like he’s trying to rip off Page’s ear. The champ grabs a jawbreaker for two and gets a chair. The chair hits the top rope and nails Page in the head for two. Back up and the big boot and Jackknife give Nash the title.

Rating: D-. Another boring match which fits the theme tonight. We still have no explanation as to why Savage and Page are associates now and I can’t imagine we ever will. This was supposed to be about Nash getting revenge for Hogan, but given that it hasn’t been mentioned in weeks, I’m assuming WCW has forgotten about it. Bad match here with neither guy feeling interested in working.

Overall Rating: D. I can’t say a show with an opener that hot is a failure. This period of WCW has the biggest problem a wrestling company can have: it’s really uninteresting. The matches aren’t very good for the most part, but that sort of thing can be fixed. The problem here is the main stories range from really stupid to something that completely falls apart if you think about it for more than five seconds. Things are about to get even worse though and the few good spots are getting rarer and rarer.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NPPH0WI

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6