Thunder – April 12, 2000 (2015 Redo): A Clip From Earlier In The Future

Thunder
Date: April 12, 2000
Location: World Arena, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Attendance: 3,118
Commentators: Bobby Heenan, Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone

Now this is the interesting show for me as Monday was all about setting up this new world. This show is the first time where we get to see how things are going to work under the Russo and Bischoff regime. I thought Monday’s show was a disaster so maybe things can pick up tonight. Let’s get to it.

We open with a long recap of Monday, which still doesn’t explain why the Hummer is now white.

Russo and Bischoff arrived in a Porsche earlier today.

Opening sequence.

There’s a new set, which is just a big video screen instead of the old Thunder logo.

Tony welcomes us to the second show of the Russo/Bischoff Era. Something else about this: Russo and Bischoff are billed as writers, which would mean that there is probably a group of bosses above them. Instead though, all you hear about is how they’re running things now. As usual, the more you think about this story, the less sense it makes.

Here are Russo/Bischoff and the New Blood with Bischoff saying what a great night “last night” was. Bischoff gets right to the destruction of Hollywood Hogan with Kidman being very pleased with Monday’s results. Russo, with Flair’s watch around his neck on a chain, says the crowd is so loud that it reminds him of New York, but this town sucks. He keeps up the “last night was awesome” trend and proclaims himself the bat man of WCW due to knocking out Flair.

Shane says he’s been calling Flair out for years and now Ric has finally taken the bait. That right there is a better explanation than anything we got on Monday. Bischoff promises new champions across the board on Sunday. As for tonight, Jeff Jarrett and Diamond Dallas Page have the night off. Kimberly on the other hand is going to be in action against Madusa.

This brings out Page, who says he can deal with whatever problem Bischoff has with him anytime. Kimberly isn’t a part of it though and Page would love to fight Bischoff instead. Eric says not so fast because he’s more interested in seeing what Kimberly wears to the ring tonight. Page goes after him but Bam Bam Bigelow attacks from behind because Bam Bam Bigelow is New World Order. Yeah I know they’re calling it the New Blood but it’s the NWO. And not the Harris Twins version. The Millionaires Club comes in and it’s a huge fight until security breaks it up.

Tony actually tells us about some of Sunday’s card with a suicide six man elimination tag. What is suicidal about it? Nothing of course but alliteration is good. As for the Tag Team Titles, we’re having a tournament including the Mamalukes, Harlem Heat, Buff Bagwell/Shane Douglas and Team Package.

There’s also going to be a tournament for the US Title. There are six unnamed men in the tournament so far with Sid and Sting facing three men in individual handicap matches for the final two spots. The Hardcore Title match will be determined later tonight. You can now say that WCW threw a pay per view card together in two and a half minutes, save for the World Title match, which was determined in about ten minutes of “action” on Monday.

Chris Candido/Juventud Guerrera/The Artist vs. Shannon Moore/Crowbar/Lash Leroux

These are the six men in the Cruiserweight Title match on Sunday. Shannon dives through the falling confetti to dropkick Artist and everyone comes into the ring, plus a beach ball thrown in by a fan. Candido powerbombs Lash down but we need to look at David Flair dancing in front of Paisley. Daffney literally gives him the hook (between the legs) to drag him away.

It’s off to Juvy for some right hands to Shannon as this is more coherent than I was expecting. Shannon comes back with a big Fameasser and brings in Crowbar, who drops himself on the mat a few times. A very spinning headscissors puts Crowbar on the floor where he has a quick fight with David due to reasons of insanity. Candido dives onto both of them as Tony admits there was no wrestling on Monday. Lash and Juvy follow with dives of their own until Shannon busts out a top rope Asai moonsault to put all of them down.

Shannon and Crowbar get in a fight (they’re teammates, but can you blame them for forgetting that in a match like this?), followed by Daffney taking Helms (not in the match) down with a hurricanrana. The Juvy Driver gets two on Crowbar and a double DDT puts him down again. Artist breaks up Candido’s (his partner) cover though, followed by Artist giving Candido the jumping DDT. Crowbar’s sitout gordbuster is enough to pin Candido.

Rating: B. Enjoy this one, as I don’t think you’re going to see anything close to this entertaining all night long. Or all month long more than likely. This was the kind of insanity that the division was lacking for so long with the Artist on top and it was nice to have a throwback to the good old days.

Page says Kimberly vs. Madusa isn’t happening but he’d love to bang Bigelow.

Russo and Bischoff come in to see Harlem Heat and ask them to take Sid out tonight. Why don’t they just write Sid out if the writers are all powerful? I guess this is supposed to be a real beatdown?

Ready to Rumble premiere video?

Curt Hennig jumps Shawn Stasiak.

Harlem Heat vs. Sid Vicious

This is Sid’s qualifying match. So did Russo and Bischoff think Harlem Heat was going to lay down for him when they wanted Sid taken out? Sid fights off Big T. and Stevie at first but stops to go after J. Biggs, allowing the two of them to totally miss a double bicycle kick. A double flapjack drops Sid again and Cash adds a splash for two. Tony: “THAT’S INCREDIBLE!” Booker comes in and attacks Harlem Heat, meaning him acting as a heel on Monday is already forgotten. The Millennium Bomb ends Stevie.

The Wall comes in with a chair and knocks out Sid. We cut to an annoyed Russo and Bischoff, with the latter coming out and giving the win to Harlem Heat via DQ. Therefore, Sid isn’t in the tournament. The announcers now tell us that it was a No DQ match, which really should have been mentioned earlier but I doubt they knew when the match started.

Jimmy Hart is looking for Bischoff.

Bischoff could be found in the New Blood locker room yelling at Booker.

Total Package vs. Shane Douglas

Luger has his music back and Shane fails at jumping him during the entrances. Page vs. Bigelow is confirmed for tonight as we continue the booking on the fly idea. Luger stomps him down but Shane grabs the belly to belly. In ECW it wins World Titles but here it’s a transitional move so Shane can get slammed off the top. They head outside with Luger hitting his clothesline (I’ll put the over under at four in this match) Back in and the referee gets bumped, allowing Shane to kick Luger low. Cue Flair to chop Shane and hit him low as well, setting up the Torture Rack for the win.

Rating: D+. So two weeks ago Luger and Flair were heels but now a story wide angle has turned them face. That comes off as lazy writing to me as I’m really having issues wanting to cheer for Luger for being an old rich guy who is putting in the same effort he has for years now. But at least he has his music back.

Bischoff blows Jimmy Hart off.

Later tonight it’s Flair vs. Buff Bagwell. If Luger interferes, Team Package is suspended for six months.

The announcer jabber for a bit before giving us a camera angle from inside Hogan’s limo when it was crushed by the Hummer. Thankfully they point out that it was a security camera, but unfortunately they don’t explain why it was pointed out the window. Hogan is going to be hospitalized for two weeks, meaning he gets to miss another major pay per view. That’s probably a good thing actually.

Jimmy Hart calls Bischoff out for an explanation of what he did to Hogan. Instead Kidman charges to the ring and beats Hart up. Jimmy gets a red NB spray painted on him for good measure.

Kimberly tells Page that she’s fighting tonight. Kimberly: “Be positive.” Page: “OF WHAT???”

Scott Steiner vs. Booker vs. The Wall vs. Vampiro vs. Kidman vs. The Cat

This is a Colorado Collision match between the six men already in the US Title tournament. Two men start and another is added every minute with pins or submissions for eliminations. Ignore the fact that these people are all stable mates, save for maybe Booker. Booker and Wall get things going with the big man getting kicked in the face a few times. The Book End sets up the ax kick and a Spinarooni but Wall pops up.

Cat comes in at about 55 seconds to kick Booker over the top, allowing Wall to chokeslam him through a table. Cat wants both guys counted out…..and that’s exactly what happens. With nothing left to do, Cat dances to fill in time. The camera goes wide to show the next entrant running down to the ring before realizing that it’s a medic to check on Booker.

Why Wall is down from chokeslamming someone isn’t clear but Steiner comes in to beat down the Cat. He actually fights back and drops Steiner as Kidman and Torrie come out, but Kidman doesn’t want to get in. Steiner suplexes Cat out of his shoes so Kidman can slide in and steal a pin. That’s fine with Steiner who drops him across the top rope. A belly to belly superplex eliminates Kidman and it’s Vampiro to complete the field. Sting runs in and gives Vampiro the Death Drop though, setting up the Recliner and the win for Steiner.

Rating: D. As usual, what started with an interesting idea gets bogged down by overbooking and allegedly cute ideas instead of letting them wrestle. You really shouldn’t have five people eliminated in less than six minutes, at least not if you want these guys to be taken seriously.

Team Package isn’t worried and Flair is still dressed in top fashion.

Kimberly vs. Madusa

Kimberly looks GREAT here, rocking some DX colors in what is probably an inside joke that no one but Bischoff and Russo get or find funny. Madusa shoves her down in the corner to start and asks why Kimberly wants to do this. Page quickly comes in and saves his wife before giving Madusa a pretty unnecessary Diamond Cutter. This was a thinly veiled excuse to have Kimberly in a tiny outfit.

This Week in WCW Motorsports.

Brian Knobbs/Fit Finlay vs. Meng/Hugh Morrus vs. Terry Funk/Norman Smiley

Hardcore three way tag with the winning team facing off for the Hardcore Title on Sunday. I’ve heard worse ideas. Meng and Knobbs fight to the floor as Tony tries to keep track of the teams. There are three separate fights going on here and I’m not even going to try to call anything outside of high spots.

Morrus puts Smiley on a table near the stage but misses a dive and crashes instead. Meng and Knobbs go to the concession area for the normal food spots but Meng stops to spear a Goldberg cardboard cutout. Why a cardboard cutout was there isn’t clear but whatever. They fight outside with Knobbs being thrown over a balcony of unknown height. After a quick look at Funk and Finlay fighting at ringside, we see Smiley vs. Morrus in the back with Norman being slammed on concrete.

The announcers say this is about impressing Russo and Bischoff because titles mean nothing at this point. Norman gets thrown into the mouth of a tiger helmet, which I believe is a prop for the hockey team. Back in the arena, Finlay DDTs Funk on the exposed concrete. Funk shrugs it off and throws Fit through a table in the corner before piledriving him onto the broken wood. Cue Dustin Rhodes for Shattered Dreams on Funk. Dustin and Fit go outside to set up a table but here’s Norman Smiley to steal the pin on his own partner. Sure why not.

Rating: C+. As insane as this was and as dumb as the ending was (and as repetitive as this show has been with all the wild brawls and multi-man matches), this was actually entertaining. They made it feel like a wild fight instead of something calm and structured which is always appreciated. Good stuff here and I like the stipulation instead of just another tournament or six way match on Sunday.

The bosses tell the Villanos to destroy Sting.

We see a clip of Jeff Jarrett pretending to be a Villano and guitarring Sting from earlier in the future. Oh you don’t remember that happening? That’s because WCW screwed up the production and aired part of the show out of order. I thought I had a bad copy of the show but I looked up live reports from 2000 and it aired out of order on the original broadcast.

For all of the people who say it was a shame WCW went out of business (and I agree on some levels, especially for the wrestlers who worked hard but were stuck under a glass ceiling), this is the kind of thing its detractors point to. With all the money they had, no one could watch a two hour show and make sure it was in the right order? A college intern could do that and point out this kind of a mistake, but here it is on national TV, two days into their big reboot. There’s bad wrestling and writing, but this is pure incompetence.

So anyway, Jarrett is in the back with Gene and threatens to slap the liver spots off of him before he wins the title on Sunday.

David Arquette is here.

Ric Flair vs. Buff Bagwell

Flair is in street clothes. Bagwell hammers him down to start but Flair fires off chops in the corner. Tony talks about which teams the fans have aligned themselves with, which makes me wonder who I’m supposed to be cheering for. The old guys who hold down talent should be villains but the New Blood keep cheating and work for the evil bosses. Oh right: shades of gray. They fight to the floor and a fan dressed as Sting jumps the barricade and beats on Flair with a ball bat for the DQ.

Rating: D-. Yay for Russo getting a major spot instead of Vampiro, who was the one feuding with Flair before the reboot. That’s the power of writing the shows I guess, because we really don’t know much about Russo other than he’s few New York and likes the young guys. Why he’s going after Flair isn’t really clear but why let that stop him?

Sting vs. Los Villanos

Gee I wonder what’s going to happen. Nothing probably, because WCW just lets that kind of nonsense happen. Sting has to beat all three, unlike Sid earlier. He cleans house to start and pins two Villanos in about thirty seconds with a double Scorpion Death Drop. There goes the referee, allowing the remaining Villano to hit Sting low a few times. It’s guitar time and Villano unmasks as Jeff Jarrett. I’m not going to bother with the mock shock and awe because it’s too pathetic to make fun of. Cue Page with a Diamond Cutter, giving Sting the pin.

Rating: D. You could see Russo as Sting during this match, meaning they edited the show out of order. Why? The two matches airing in either order doesn’t change anything so why mess with it? My guess is someone meddling in something they had no business being involved in and causing this kind of screwup.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Bigelow stomps him down to start but Page throws him into the corner for rights and lefts. The discus lariat gets two on Bam Bam but he comes back with a Samoan drop for two. We hit the reverse chinlock before the top rope headbutt to the back gets two. An attempt at a Diamond Cutter is countered into a ref bump but Page avoids another headbutt. The Diamond Cutter connects on the second attempt but Bischoff comes out and stops his count at two. Cue Jarrett with the guitar to knock Page out. Tony: “This is not good for Page.”

Rating: D+. Yeah whatever. The psychology made sense as Bigelow (you know, the nearly fifteen year veteran who is now New Blood. I’d love to hear about him being held down) went after Page’s eternally injured ribs and back but the ending was very predictable, as always in this era.

Speaking of not good, David Arquette jumps the barricade and gets beaten up with security nowhere in sight. The Stroke puts Arquette down and here’s Kanyon to beat Jarrett up but Bischoff chairs him down. Page gets spray painted to end the show. They’re not even trying to hide the NWO stuff at this point.

Oh and no word on if Brian Knobbs died when he was backdropped off a balcony, possibly dropping thirty feet onto concrete. Bischoff’s run-in was more important.

Overall Rating: C+. If you ignore the horrible production error, the constant run-in finishes and all the sucking up to Russo and Bischoff, this was actually a heck of a show and the best Thunder in a long time. The wrestling was good to quite good and they basically put together the entire card for Sunday in one night. That’s quite the task but they pulled it off here. Not bad.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Happy Birthday Nitro!

The show is twenty years old today and dear goodness that makes my world feel like it’s crashing down around me.

Methinks you all might want to check out my e-books on Monday Nitro, including (click on the links):

Complete 1995/1996

Complete 1997

First Half of 1998 (Includes the first half of Thunder 1998)

Monday Nitro – April 10, 2000: Kevin Nash Said It Best

Monday Nitro #235
Date: April 10, 2000
Location: Pepsi Center, Denver, Colorado
Attendance: 9,074
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden, Scott Hudson

It’s kind of hard to preview this show as it’s all about the company being reset. Russo and Bischoff are coming in to a bigger reception than Hogan back in 1994 because they’re writers and therefore more important than anything else. Since WCW is stupid, this is also the go home show for Spring Stampede, which has nothing set up so far. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

Most of the roster is in and around the ring to start. More come out as this isn’t the most thrilling start. Jeff Jarrett gets to talk first because we’re just lucky that way. He came here to be the WCW World Champion but his master plan got derailed by some good old boys who couldn’t compete in his league. Jeff gets to the point and calls for the man himself: Vince Russo.

The Long Island accent with a Russo attached talks about making the WWF what it was before coming here to beat Vince McMahon at his own game. Within a few weeks, the new blood of WCW was making a change, but then the good old boy network kicked in. All the political BS in the back brought Russo down and all those people are sitting at home watching him now.

Then they decided that a change had to come and Russo was sent home. Even some of the wrestlers knew the change would suck. The Radicalz knew it and left. Scott Steiner knew it and got suspended. Well now the good old boys network is gone and it’s time for the young guys to rise. This brings out Bischoff and they hug, giving us the new power team. The good old boys network screwed both of them over with Bischoff listing Diamond Dallas Page, Sid Vicious and Hulk Hogan in particular.

We see Sting, Luger, Sid and Page watching on a monitor in the back. Bischoff goes on about Hogan, even apologizing to everyone in the ring for how much trouble Hogan caused them. Now Bischoff wants to see the old guys so here they come. “What’s up Sid? No softball game?”

Page doesn’t know what Eric is smoking so Bischoff tells him to screw off. Bischoff takes credit for rebuilding Sting’s career as the announcers sound like they’re in awe of this. A level playing field where everyone has to earn their spot is promised but first Russo has something to say to Ric Flair. After promising to wipe Flair off the bottom of his shoe, Russo drops the bombshell: all titles are vacant.

The bored crowd chants for Goldberg as Sid says he won’t give up his title. Bischoff comes up to him and threatens the end of Sid’s career. “What’s the matter Sid? Can’t find your scissors?” Madden: “WOW!” The fans are silent so Bischoff repeats the line. Amazingly enough, the fans are still silent. Sid finally hands it over and Eric announces that all champions will be crowned at Spring Stampede.

That one part where Bischoff mentioned an inside reference and no one reacted sums up this show thing. This was a twenty minute segment made up almost entirely of insider stories and statements that went over the heads of probably 98% of the audience. What good old boys network is he talking about and how did they ruin what Russo had going on? Yeah I know what they’re talking about because it’s 2015 and this is all ancient history. How many people had any idea what they were talking about in 2000? Also of course ignore the fact that this is Russo yet AGAIN blaming everyone else for his ideas bombing.

This was a long segment to set up the new Russo and Bischoff regime and let them get in their shots at Vince and all of their other enemies (read as anyone else who has ever had a different idea) as the fans are left sitting there wondering what in the world is going on. Finally, it really doesn’t instill me with confidence when the new writers who are supposed to save the company are basically saying “yeah this is too complicated for us to fix so let’s just reset the whole thing instead of booking our way out of it.” That’s quite the opening impression.

Hogan arrives.

During the break, all the wrestlers in the ring left.

Sting and Hogan talk about what just happened and Sting says Bischoff might as well have just kicked Hogan between the legs. Sting: “I’m not ribbing you.”

WCW World Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Diamond Dallas Page vs. Total Package

This isn’t a tournament for the title, but rather a tournament to face Jeff Jarrett for the title on Sunday. Page’s music stops halfway through his entrance and he has no pyro. Because he has to prove himself you see. Prove himself in the World Title tournament he’s already in that is.

Luger, as in the guy who was out most of last year and hasn’t had an important win since Halloween Havoc, doesn’t have music either as he comes to the ring as one of five potential World Title winners. It’s ten minutes after the promise of a level playing field and they’re already defying their own logic. In case you’re wondering, Page’s last major win would probably be……well also at Halloween Havoc.

The match starts slow with both guys looking like they’re in their 40s who are out there for a healthy paycheck. The announcers ignore the match to talk about Bischoff riding Hogan’s coattails in another argument that no common fan would care about. Luger stomps Page in the corner and chokes with a boot as Madden makes fun of Page as is his custom.

Some backbreakers have Page in trouble AND IT’S ANGLE TIME! Buff Bagwell comes out with full music and pyro to distract Luger, allowing Page to get in a low blow. Tony: “What’s going to happen next in this program? It’s only segment two!” Luger and his gonads of steel shrug off the low blow and Page gets powerslammed, only to have Buff go after Liz for a distraction. That would be the second distraction of the match and it allows Page to Diamond Cut Luger for the pin. He gets about half a second of music before they cut it off again.

Rating: D-. Oh man this show is going to SUCK. They had a four and a half minute match between two veterans who have to prove themselves and it took two distractions and a no sold low blow to put Luger down. This is going to be the old Russo idea of running an angle or three in every match because the fans are too stupid to just watch a match without some bonus entertainment to carry them through. Oh and great: we might even get Luger vs. Bagwell out of this. Again. For like the dozenth time.

Hogan can’t find Bischoff.

Hennig asks Russo why he isn’t in the World Title scene. Russo gives him Jarrett tonight and if he wins, he gets in the World Title match on Sunday. So there are officially three semi-final matches for two spots in a final? Now they’re ignoring the laws of numbers.

Here’s Tank Abbott to say he’s a shootfight and not a wrestler. Well we’ve known that for months but at least it’s confirmed. Tank came here for Goldberg and what a coincidence that Goldberg got hurt the week Tank arrived. Starting tonight, he’s going to beat up innocent bystanders until Goldberg comes back. First up: Mark Madden, who loses his shirt in the beating.

Jarrett tells Russo that it better be good.

Kidman tells Torrie he wants to do this.

Hogan is given directions to Bischoff’s office. These three scenes took a combined 15 seconds.

Hogan finds Bischoff and they talk in an office.

Here’s Kidman with a microphone. He feels like he’s been handed a get out of jail free card because he and the rest of the New Blood (of course it’s an official thing now) have been held down by the old guys. Kidman wants to talk about Hulk Hogan, who has been talking about him a lot lately. Hogan doesn’t have the heart and talent that Kidman have and it’s taken all those years of spotlight to give Hogan that grotesque orange tan. He calls Hogan out and wouldn’t you know it, Hogan is walking past a monitor in the back.

Hogan comes out and thankfully Hudson explains what the heck Kidman is talking about, because Kidman certainly didn’t go into details about it. Again: WCW assumes that all of the fans are on the internet reading everything. Hogan says Kidman gives the young guys in this business a bad name. He brings up Torrie and Kidman goes after him, which Tony declares as the world turning upside down.

They fight to the floor with Hogan getting the better of it (expected) and beating Kidman up even more back inside. Cue Bischoff with a chair. Hogan runs his hand over his eyebrow and gets hit with the chair, drawing blood right where his hand went over the eyebrow. I remember seeing that as a kid and yelling at my TV how fake it looked. Kidman gets a cover and pin with Bischoff counting the three, in what is probably the only time Hogan lays down for him, or anyone for that matter.

Ric Flair arrives.

Hogan wants Bischoff and Kidman and swears a lot.

Flair watches the opening segment in the back and comes to the ring. Ric talks about Russo growing up as a Flair fan (not likely in New York but whatever) and now he thinks Flair is old. In this town, Brian Griese (current Denver Broncos quarterback) throws a lot of touchdown passes but that doesn’t make fans forget about John Elway because in this town, Elway is the man. Flair was always great at throwing in the sports analogies and getting easy pops (not a bad thing) for them.

Bischoff has the guts to walk up to come to Ric face to face and he isn’t wasting money on attorneys again, so get out here right now. Instead Flair gets Scott Steiner, who calls Flair’s teeth crooked. All of the WWF’s current champions came from WCW (no, they didn’t) because Flair and company ran them off. Steiner puts in some fake teeth to do a Flair impression, allowing Shane Douglas to return and attack Flair.

Kevin Nash returns on crutches.

Bret Hart is in the crowd.

Flair is looking for Douglas.

As luck would have it, Douglas is with Gene, who gets more emotional than you’ll ever see him over what Shane just did. Douglas says that was the beginning of Flair’s road and he’s going to do whatever he wants.

WCW World Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Sid Vicious vs. Sting

Now this would be the semi-finals to advance to the final for the final as opposed to the semi-final for the final. Got that? These guys get their music all the way to the ring because Russo and Bischoff have already forgotten that story. Sting sidesteps a charge to start and kicks Sid onto the turnbuckle, setting up a splash to send Sid outside. Sid comes back and mocks the crowd a bit as I had already forgotten he turned heel a few weeks ago. Back in and Sting’s splash hits knees (not feet as Tony calls them) to keep Sid in control.

A cobra clutch slam gets two before a double clothesline puts both guys down. Cue the Wall with a table and the referee gets put down. Sid powerbombs Sting (now the Millennium Bomb. I kind of dig that name actually) but gets chaired in the back. Wall chokeslams Sid through the table and that’s a countout because SID’S BODY LAYING ON A BROKEN TABLE isn’t enough to make the referee think anything is up.

Rating: D. These two have been having decent to good matches for eleven years and it took Vince Russo less than seven minutes (longest match of the night of course) to screw that up. Wall going after Sid could be one heck of a mess, but at least it’s another young guy getting a push against a veteran.

Here’s Ric Flair to challenge Shane Douglas for later tonight. Not next week, not at the pay per view, not at some point in the future. Tonight, because Russo doesn’t understand what it means to build to a match. That being said, Flair is the only person here who hasn’t sounded stupid. It’s almost like he knows what he’s doing.

Hogan is still on a rampage.

Back from a break and Hogan is still on a rampage and beats up Shannon Moore and Shane Helms for not knowing where Kidman is.

Clip of the Ready to Rumble premiere.

WCW World Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Jeff Jarrett vs. Curt Hennig

I guess this is a tournament match. I mean, the winner goes to the title match on Sunday so why not. They start brawling in the aisle despite no personal issue between the two of them. Curt takes him over to the announcers’ table for a beating before Jeff clotheslines him down inside. We get the Jarrett sleeper/suplex sequence but here’s the debuting Shawn Stasiak (formerly Meat in the WWF) to what sounds like Curt Hennig’s old Mr. Perfect music.

The distraction makes Hennig throw a wild back elbow which Jarrett ducks and the referee gets bumped. I can’t say it hit the referee because it didn’t come close but Little Naitch went down anyway. Stasiak comes in and mostly fails at lifting Hennig up for a fireman’s carry before dropping him in what can be most accurately described as a reverse F5. It was so botched that there’s really no describing the move. The Stroke gives Jeff the pin.

Rating: D+. For those of you counting, this is the third match that has ended as a result of someone interfering. It’s clear that WCW has decided they know what we want as wrestling fans and if we object we’re not giving them enough of a chance. The match could have been good had it been a match and not a punching fest, but these two are just wrestlers and no one would want to see that.

Hogan is storming through sky boxes to find Bischoff.

Nash tells someone to get here if they can.

Sting says he is loyalty and he’s coming after Russo’s golden boy on Sunday.

Ric Flair vs. Shane Douglas

Both guys are in street clothes. They’re quickly on the floor with Ric firing off chops, followed by a low blow back inside. Hudson goes off about Douglas talking trash about Flair on the dirt sheets as Shane kicks Flair low. Cue Russo with a bat to hit Flair and that’s a DQ.

Russo steals Flair’s watch.

Here’s Kevin Nash, who immediately rips on the new bosses who are trying to be wrestlers and screw over some of the boys. He wants to know what happened to that sweet little wrestling show we had every Monday? Like, where is the Dog when you need him? Nash has been talking to Hall, who wants to come back soon. Neither Bischoff or Russo would be here if not for he and Hall, especially Russo who they had to save from Shawn Michaels over and over. This brings out the debuting and reigning ECW World Champion to beat Nash down. Awesome wants some of this opportunity that Russo and Bischoff are offering.

Hogan is on the phone in his limo and demanding Kidman soon. The Hummer (from last summer, now white instead of black) comes up and crushes the limo. Bischoff and Kidman get out and celebrate.

WCW World Title Tournament Final: Diamond Dallas Page vs. Sting

The winner gets Jarrett on Sunday so Jeff is on commentary. Page is thrown outside to start before a pair of Stinger Splashes put him down again. The Deathlock is broken up by an arm in the ropes and Page gets two off a belly to belly. Jarrett goes after Kimberly so Page head outside, allowing Vampiro to run in give Sting the Nail in the Coffin. A Diamond Cutter sends Page to Spring Stampede.

Rating: D. I’m almost done with this show. It’s almost over. If I can get through a few more minutes, this will finally be over. Then I can watch ANYTHING ELSE and see a different finish, because it’s clear that we’re going to be seeing a lot of the same things over and over again and it’s going to get more and more annoying every week. This was just a brief workout until the ending happened, as all the matches have been so far.

Jarrett swings the guitar at Page but hits Kimberly instead.

After a break, Jarrett comes out for the closing speech. He talks about six days before his destiny is fulfilled when he is finally crowned WCW World Champion. Cue Page to beat Jarrett down but Scott Steiner hits the ring to make it 2-1. Luger, now a face I guess, comes in to help Page but Bagwell, Vampiro and Wall came in. By George WE’VE GOT STABLE WARS!!! Sting’s save doesn’t work as Booker T. (yes T.) comes in to help the New Blood. The New Blood obliterates the Millionaire’s Club as Russo and Bischoff come out to watch. They go to leave but an angry Bret Hart is waiting for them to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. I can’t call it a failure because they had an idea but that doesn’t mean it was a well executed idea. Nash summed it up best: what happened to the wrestling show? It’s very clear that under Russo and Bischoff, this has stopped being a wrestling show and is now just a poorly written drama.

The idea of having the youth vs. the old guys is solid, but when the stuff like “they have to earn their music and pyro” is literally forgotten fifteen minutes after it starts and the stories are almost all based around dirtsheets that wouldn’t be frequently read today, those stories are quickly forgotten. That’s Russo in a nutshell: yeah there are ideas there, but the ton of horrible stuff on top of them crush any positives.

Either way, this show was not good. It had a lot going on, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good show. Spring Stampede feels like it has the potential to be an even bigger disaster and I’m terrified to think what we might have to sit through in order to form Russo and Bischoff’s vision for WCW.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Monday Nitro – April 3, 2000: They Can’t Even Get History Right

Monday Nitro #234
Date: April 3, 2000
Location: Worcester Centrum, Worcester, Massachusetts
Attendance: 0
Hosts: Mark Madden, Tony Schiavone

There isn’t much to say here. WCW is being rebooted at the moment so this is a big recap show called the History of Money Nitro. In other words, they’re in a big arena, which I’m assuming they had to pay the full rent for and have no people involved. I’m assuming that means no revenue for this week, which is a fine way to open the new regime. Let’s get to it.

Madden and Schiavone are in an empty arena and say next week is a new beginning for WCW, which has pretty much sucked recently. Yeah when your lead announcers are saying the show is bad, you’re not in good shape. Russo is an ex-WWF writer and Bischoff was good once so maybe they can save us.

The first highlight video focuses on Hogan, including his in ring, ahem, abilities, and the celebrities he’s brought in over the years.

The hosts talk about Hogan’s signing leading to Nitro launching and how crazy people thought Bischoff was for going head to head with the WWF.

We look at the opening of the first episode with Tony talking about nervously walking around the Mall of America for three hours before the show started. We get some clips of Jushin Thunder Liger vs. Brian Pillman in the first match ever on the show. Amazingly enough it’s better than Hogan’s work.

More clips from the first show including Luger’s arrival, Flair vs. Sting and Hogan vs. Big Bubba.

Then the show expanded to two hours and the roster got bigger, which made Nitro cool. True.

Clip of the first two hour show with Scott Hall jumping the barricade. We get some clips of other stuff on that show and my goodness did Hall arrive just in time.

Video on the cruiserweights.

The hosts say that even at this point, the WWF was still way ahead. It was more even but it’s their show. Let them trash themselves if they want to.

Now on to the big idea: Hall and Nash. Ignore that we saw Hall five minutes ago. My one takeaway from this, over nineteen years later: play is still not an adjective.

Quick chat about the Hogan heel turn, with Madden saying Hulk didn’t want to do it. I would get on them for killing kayfabe even worse but A, it was already mostly dead and B, this is nothing compared to what Russo did.

LONG stretch of clips on the NWO’s rise to dominance and Sting trying to be the savior.

We open hour #2 with a package on the Nitro Girls. Why does this need history? They’re good looking women and WCW’s version of cheerleaders. What history is there to cover?

The hosts talk about the 100^th episode with Luger winning the title, only to lose it five days later, making the whole thing a waste of time.

An hour and ten minutes into the show and they FINALLY talk about Goldberg, who was proof that Bischoff could create new stars. Create new stars, see the most obvious move in the world, same thing really.

Long video on Goldberg.

Talk of various celebrities who have appeared on Nitro.

The hosts move on to Nitro falling, which they basically attribute to Vince Russo and Bischoff having problems outside of his control, namely injuries. Now stay with me here: after talking about Bischoff being burned out and the company falling apart due to issues beyond his control, we move to Flair vs. Bischoff for control of the company. So is this supposed to be a real history or the storyline history? I know WCW wouldn’t know, but Heaven help us with Russo coming back to make it even more unclear.

Video of the awesome four World Title match way back in the spring.

Package on the Sting heel turn which bombed and all the ensuing mess.

Madden describes Crash TV and says it was working in WCW. Why Russo was fired so soon isn’t mentioned of course.

Package on some of Russo’s stuff from his first run.

The wrestlers’ comments on the new bosses coming in take us out.

Overall Rating: F. So let’s see: they don’t know if they’re talking history or storylines, they spend about 20 minutes of a two hour broadcast talking about the thing they’re trying to get over, and the rest of the time on history, which is going to mean nothing next week when the whole thing gets rebooted. All I know from this show is that WCW used to be cool, but then it all fell apart and that’s very sad as a wrestling fan.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Thunder – March 29, 2000: I’m Embarrassed By This Show

Thunder
Date: March 29, 2000
Location: Astro Arena, Houston, Texas
Attendance: 5,727
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan

This show is pretty much worthless given what’s coming in a few weeks. Therefore, it’s just another week of meaningless Thunder so at least it’s a regular show. The promotion is so dull at this point that there’s only so much they can do to make this last night before the reboot interesting. Let’s get to it.

By the way, of those 5,727, only 1,727 were paid. In the year 2000, Houston, Texas had a population of 1.9 million people. You should be able to draw 2,000 people if you hang a sign outside the building that says STAY CLEAR! RABID SQUIRREL OUTBREAK!

Opening sequence. The fact that Oklahoma is seen having a match in the video tells you all you need to know.

As soon as we’re in the arena, it’s time to talk about Russo and Bischoff. This is going to be a very long night.

Chris Candido vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

Candido goes right after him to start as the announcers talk about Michael Modest’s win on Monday. A northern lights suplex gets two on Chavo but the referee gets knocked to the floor. Cue the Artist to nail Candido and Modest comes in to go after Chavo, only to eat a DDT. He doesn’t bother to sell it though as he has to hit a quick White Noise, setting up Candido’s top rope headbutt for the pin. This match didn’t break two minutes and had a ref bump and two run-ins. Oh yeah Russo is back.

They all brawl post match and Chavo dives onto Modest and Candido before chasing Artist to the back.

The announcers talk about Russo and Bischoff arriving soon. I should probably just copy that for later.

Recap of Nitro, focusing on Sting and Luger’s comedy brawling and Hogan vs. Wall.

Dustin Rhodes asks a horse statue what he should think about Russo and Bischoff arriving. A lot of wrestlers are asked about this throughout the night so I’m not going to bother saying what they’re talking about unless it’s something different.

Kidman gets the same treatment, minus the horse. Instead he talks about politics and elevating young talent to get the ratings back on top. I think I’d rather hear from the horse.

Some WCW people were at a charity basketball game. Nothing wrong with that.

Jim Duggan vs. Barbarian

Oh come on. Like, come on. I’m a Jim Duggan fan and I even had the foam 2×4 on my wall as a kid. I met him at Axxess last year and he was the nicest guy in the world. But I have absolutely no desire to see him wrestling in 2000, especially against someone like Barbarian. The worst part: this is probably going to get way more time and have a much cleaner finish than the first match. Duggan comes out in his janitor’s outfit with the TV Title on backwards (this is non-title because it’s only defended on Saturday Night) because Jim Duggan is TV Champion in the year 2000.

Duggan slugs away with his big right hands and a clothesline sends Barbarian out to the floor. Tenay hypes up a bunch of wrestlers telling us their thoughts on Russo and Bischoff returning throughout the night. This announcement came out two days ago on Nitro and I’m already numb to it. Tonight’s big draw is opinions on the new creative team? It’s like a dirt sheet got a TV deal and is running matches with whatever talent they could find, including these relics from the 1980s.

I mean, this match feels like it should be main eventing a legends of wrestling card at the county fair. It’s bad enough that I’m seeing a match that probably took place at a dozen house shows ten years ago, but now it’s the second match on Thunder in 2000 as Tenay promises more wrestlers discussing backstage politics, whatever that means to most wrestling fans.

I’m trying to get off of this and keep going with the match but I can’t wrap my head around how far this show and company has sunk. How is it possible that less than two years ago, Goldberg was the hottest thing the company has ever seen and now this is the best they can do? That really is impressive when you think about it.

Barbarian puts Duggan in a bearhug because what else is he going to do to him. Some shots to the head break Duggan out, because of all the things they don’t hold over here, they forget the racial stereotypes. Duggan finally bites the face to escape and now the right hands to the head work. The three point clothesline is countered with a boot to the face but Duggan shrugs it off, hits a horrible clothesline and drops the Old Glory knee for the pin.

Rating: F. I was right. It ran about four and a half minutes, or more than double the opener, and had a completely clean finish. The worst part is that the match actually had a story to it. A weak story but a story nonetheless. It’s the lack of any kind of caring for the match that makes it a failure, because there is no justification for these two to be out there on this stage.

Torrie Wilson thinks it can get them back on top of the ratings war.

Norman Smiley is glad Bischoff is back because he hired Norman in the first place and Russo got behind the Screaming Norman character. Yes character, because the stuff you see on camera is fake, but this interview is real.

The Cat vs. Dustin Rhodes

Aren’t these two both heels? Cat doesn’t want to hurt Dustin so here’s a replacement.

Mr. Jones vs. Dustin Rhodes

Yes it’s Dustin Rhodes vs. Virgil. Dustin is rightfully ticked off so he punches Jones a few times, bulldogs him, gets distracted by Cat, and takes a chair to the head from Terry Funk for the DQ.

Cat dances and does the James Brown cape thing, only to elbow Jones in the process.

Tank Abbott and Curt Hennig are in the positive camp.

Shannon Moore/Shane Helms vs. Los Fabulosos

If there is ANY justice in the world, this will be a 45 minute match. 3 Count performs before the match but Miss Hancock cuts them off. I really shouldn’t be conflicted about this but I’m not sure which I’d rather see. For some reason Tenay is stunned that Hancock is with Los Fabulosos. Evan is the one on the floor here. Los Fabulosos try a double sunset flip to start before double teaming Shannon. Evan unsuccessfully hits on Hancock (can’t blame a guy for trying) as Los Fabulosos have some miscommunication. King is hurricanranaed out to the floor but Evan isn’t ready for the double teaming. Instead, Dandy rolls Shane up for the pin.

Chavo thinks it could work.

The Cat hopes it means more TV time.

Here are Disco Inferno and the Mamalukes, with Disco saying that if the Mamalukes can beat Harlem Heat, they get a title shot. However, Vito isn’t happy. First off, they’re Paisans, not Mamalukes. Secondly, Disco isn’t doing anything for them, so until he learns how to manage them, they’re going to manage him. That starts with this match.

Disco Inferno vs. Tank Abbott

Tenay: “OH YEAH!” Disco faints but Tank picks him up for some slams and the big right hand ends this in less than a minute.

We’re five matches into this show and Duggan vs. Barbarian is still the longest match on the show by far.

One of the Twins likes the idea of a 1975 booking style in 2000. What does that even mean?

US Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Booker

Jeff is defending and lets the NWO girls stick around again. Booker hammers away to start and gets a quick two off a rollup. The ax kick is broken up by the Harris Twins though, which the referee somehow misses. Back in and the champ chokes on the ropes but crotches himself by mistake. You know, as opposed to those times where you intentionally crotch yourself.

Instead it’s time for the sleeper but Booker fights back because Jeff’s sleeper doesn’t have the best track record. Jeff gets crotched against the post and Booker scores with a missile dropkick. The Twins offer a distraction (because you can’t just not look at them) and Jeff gets in a belt shot for two. The referee goes down but Jeff’s middle rope guitar shot is caught in a Rock Bottom, only to have the Twins come in for the DQ.

Rating: D+. Well it beat Duggan and Barbarian. It was by thirteen seconds, but at least it did beat it. Of course it required two run-ins, a ref bump a belt shot and an attempted guitar shot before the interference to end the show, but it was longer than Duggan vs. Barbarian. Booker is getting closer but I don’t see anything good for him out of this new regime. Maybe he’ll tell us about it later!

Booker cleans house post match.

Miss Hancock, called Stacy, is happy with the returns.

Duggan thinks it could go well for him if they stop being prejudiced.

Mamalukes vs. Harlem Heat

I think the winners get a title shot but it’s not clear if Disco was lying earlier. Vito and Stevie get things going but it’s quickly double teaming to put Stevie down. Johnny comes in to try a springboard but he gets kicked down to change control. Big T.’s spinebuster drops Johnny again as the announcers actually call the match for a change. Johnny’s spinning kick to the face sets up the hot tag to Vito so house can be cleaned. Everything breaks down and Harlem Heat takes over again with Cash sending Johnny into the post on the floor. Cash comes in and the match is FINALLY thrown out.

Rating: D. Bad match here as the Mamalukes are now somehow one of the best teams in WCW. Now what do I mean by that? Are they better than the Jung Dragons or 3 Count? Probably not, but those teams are cruiserweights and therefore totally different than the regular tag teams. That’s one of those WCW things: people are put in slots and that’s where they are no matter what they do.

Vampiro is happy. He looks weird without paint on, but he’s happy with the new writers.

This Week in WCW Motorsports. You would think they would ask the driver about the new writers.

Shannon thinks it’s a plus.

Kidman vs. Ron Harris

Kidman gets a jobber entrance because of all the time spent on talking to wrestlers about writers. Kidman tries to speed things up but the wind from a missed big boot puts him down. Some right hands have little effect on Ron so Don low bridges Kidman out to the floor. A whip into the barricade keeps this match going because you need more Ron Harris in your life. Back in and a middle rope dropkick drops Ron and an awkward looking high cross body gets two. That’s enough though so here’s Don for the DQ.

Rating: D. So let me get this straight. They took a team like the Harris Brothers, who aren’t interesting, aren’t over, and aren’t very good and gave them the Tag Team Titles. What do they do next? Take away the one thing they have going for them (being twins in case you were trying to figure it out) and get rid of it for the sake of a lame fake injury angle. I know I say this company can’t get any dumber but they continue to astound me.

Shane Helms says yay and Johnny the Bull agrees.

Hardcore Title: The Dog vs. Brian Knobbs

Yes Dog is back and this time Billy Silverman has him on a leash. Brian is defending and brings out a dumpster full of weapons. Dog gets in a good trashcan lid shot but Knobbs sprays him with a fire extinguisher. They head outside with Dog being whipped into the barricade before it’s table time back inside. Knobbs charges into a boot but Dog bites instead of covering. Brian sends him through the table in the corner before a middle rope trashcan shot is enough to retain the title.

Rating: D. As usual, there’s nothing to this idea and the match was the same one we’ve seen Knobbs have for months. The worst part here is the Dog, which has to be one of the worst gimmicks of all time. Above all else with it though, it’s not even a complex character. It’s like wrestling as the Wolfman or putting the word Big before your name. There was clearly no effort put into this, but they somehow made it as stupid as it could possibly be. I mean THE GUY IS A DOG! How can they possibly think this is the best they can put on TV? These things astound me more and more every single week and my mind can’t handle much more.

Bagwell and Knobbs like the idea. Wait….has ANYONE been against the idea? For something that’s so controversial, the results have been nearly unanimous. They can’t even keep their storylines right with worked shoot promos.

Buff Bagwell vs. La Parka

The Skull Captain is in the hizz-ouse! He loses control of the mic again and starts talking even when the mic isn’t at his lips. The voice calls Buff lumpy and promises a beating as La Parka holds up a sign that says I’M SORRY. This is another good example of why WCW is so frustrating. The whole La Parka vs. the voice thing is actually a clever idea.

Unfortunately, he’s being fed to people like Tank Abbott who is still doing the same thing he was doing when he started or Buff Bagwell, who is doing the same thing since he became Buff Bagwell because La Parka isn’t a guy that can go anywhere, like say into the Cruiserweight Title picture over someone as boring as the Artist. Therefore he’s stuck working as hard as he can and getting nowhere while Buff stayed around WCW’s midcard despite being a jerk who never seemed to put in any effort.

La Parka punches and kicks before nailing a hard clothesline, only to get backdropped down. Probably out of frustration, La Parka hits him low and then drills Buff with a chop. An enziguri gets two as the announcers mostly ignore the match to talk about the Wall. La Parka goes up and mostly botches a split legged moonsault for two. A corkscrew moonsault misses (on purpose this time) and the Blockbuster gives Buff the pin.

Rating: D+. So yeah, the over and skilled guy gets to lose to the guy who has been here nine years and barely ever accomplished a thing because one of them has star potential. We’ll ignore the fact that Bagwell hasn’t actually lived up to any of that potential since he got to WCW but it’s still there so let’s keep giving him wins.

Ric Flair is asked his opinions and says he’ll need ten minutes on Nitro to get through them all.

The Wall vs. Vampiro

Wall throws the chair in but eats a Van Daminator to knock him to the floor. I’m not even going to bother to complain about the lack of a DQ. Vampiro dives to take Wall down but Wall drops him ribs first across the top rope. Back up and Wall punches the chair into Vampiro’s face before drawing out a table. Vampiro chairs Wall through the table though and that’s the DQ.

Wall gets up again and slugs it out with Vampiro but security breaks it up. The guys beat up security and slug it out as the show ends.

Overall Rating: E. As in embarrassed. WCW should be embarrassed for putting this on. I know that WCW isn’t known for having the best brain trust behind it, but I refuse to accept that anyone who works in wrestling can look at this show and think that it’s the best possible product they can put out there.

In about 82 minutes of TV time, we saw 11 matches, none of which broke five minutes. Now there are shows that can have short matches and make it work. The old WCW show did and NXT makes it work a lot of the time today. However, that idea doesn’t work when five of the eleven matches have clean finishes, assuming you count the hardcore match as a clean finish. Other than that, every match ended in a DQ or was thrown out. How is that good wrestling? How is that good television?

Oh but wait because there’s other stuff besides wrestling. I can go with that. 1997 Monday Night Raw had some horrible wrestling but the promos were so awesome that it was one of the best years the company ever had. What did we get for promos on this show? Sixteen soundbytes from wrestlers and a valet, saying they think the new writers can turn WCW around, basically saying “yeah we kind of suck right now.”

That’s Thunder this week. 11 matches, nothing over five minutes, five clean finishes (one of which was Tank Abbott over Disco Inferno in 50 seconds) and 16 quick promos all saying some version of the same thing. Any guesses as to what Smackdown aired the next night for the WWF’s mid week show? Chris Jericho vs. Eddie Guerrero and Rock vs. Kurt Angle. The oldest of those four at this point: Eddie Guerrero, age 32. In other words, not Jim Duggan vs. the Barbarian.

I’ve watched a lot of wrestling, including every Nitro, Thunder and Raw. I’ve sat through the old Herb Abrams UWF, Wrestling Society X and some flat out awful old school and indy shows. This show in particular got to me though, because it felt like the people producing it were laughing at wrestling fans and trying to insult them.

As bad as wrestling can get at times, you very rarely get the feeling that there isn’t at least some effort. Even in a company like TNA, it feels like they’re trying but just lost their way a long time ago. This show felt like WCW was saying “Those idiots are still watching. Let’s see how much they can take.” Then they sat back and laughed at the people who actually stuck with them because their salaries were guaranteed no matter how bad their product became.

This show was an embarrassment for WCW and wrestling fans in general. I feel sorry for the people who tried to make it work, because they’re fighting a battle that the people in power don’t want to win. The reboot is coming soon, but if this is what we’re going to have coming with it, things are going to get a lot sadder before they get better.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B011T13PV4

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Finally, make sure to check out the Wrestling Bundle, which wraps up Sunday August 23 at midnight EST. Here are the details:

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Monday Nitro – March 27, 2000: Please Save No Changes Before Reboot

Monday Nitro #233
Date: March 27, 2000
Location: Sheraton Hotel, South Parde Island, Texas
Attendance: 5,000
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden

Well this is suddenly a packed show. First of all, it’s the Spring Breakout Show, meaning it’s a party themed show, which also means all of the people in attendance were in for free. Above that though, we’re officially in the last year of WCW as they would air their last show on March 26, 2001. The big story is Sid turning on Hogan last week so it’s time for Old People Theater. Let’s get to it.

Gene Okerlund opens the show in the ring because he’s a party by himself. He has someone to bring out for their return to WCW but gets Kimberly (looking great here) instead. Gene: “I’ve been double crossed!” Kimberly does the introduction for him and of course it’s Diamond Dallas Page.

Gene plugs Page’s upcoming book signing and then gets to the less important stuff: Page’s back injury potentially ending his career. That gets a quick “I’ll be back and my back will be jacked” before Gene is off to Ready to Rumble, which comes out next week. Page basically gives a press junket interview about the movie and the premiere, but after all that’s done, he wants his World Title back (which will be jacked I’m assuming).

Cue the NWO because where would we be without them? Jarrett reminds Page that there’s only one star around here and it’s not going to be long before Jeff shows everyone why he’s the chosen one. There won’t be a three time champion because Jeff has the stroke around here (what stroke is he talking about? That hasn’t been clear since Russo left) and he’s going to crash the Hollywood premiere. Page can see the marque now: Jeff Jarrett in Bada Boom, Bada Bing, Bada BANG. This isn’t the most thrilling feud in the world, but you know it’s going to be better than Jarrett vs. Sid one more time.

The announcers talk for a bit with Tony asking for a bit more time before we go to the b-roll. Of note: a sign between the two talking heads: “I Wish I Was At Raw.” The big news of the week: Eric Bischoff is back to head up creative. However, “you may have heard on the internet”, Vince Russo might coming back as well. Keep in mind that Russo is just a name to WCW fans. I don’t think it was ever announced that the Long Island voice of the flailing arm was Russo so, as is my normal question here, WHY WOULD FANS CARE WHO IS IN CHARGE OF CREATIVE???

As usual, this is WCW/Russo (who was officially back despite Tony saying we get his decision tonight) thinking that everyone is on the internet trying to find out all the inside stuff when that was maybe half a percent of the audience at this point. I mean, even today when that number has grown significantly (but is still the minority), I don’t want the companies acknowledging it. There’s a suspension of disbelief there and it ruins a lot of the mood by saying “yeah this is all scripted.” But hey, it makes Russo feel smart so it’s all fine.

To continue the theme of stupid moments, we get a clip of Jimmy Hart on the Mancow radio show where he got in a fight with the host. Keep in mind that he was in Chicago for the start of ticket sales for Spring Stampede, which was about three weeks after the on sale date. Is anyone surprised that tickets for the show didn’t go so well? Anyway, Mancow wants to fight Hart in the ring. I’m sure this is going to get pay per view time.

Three jobbers are in the back when Paisley comes up to give one of them a Cruiserweight Title match. The one in the middle, better known as Michael Modest, gets the shot.

The NWO was at the pool to discuss the breast stroke. One of the Harris Twins’ arms was in a sling.

Booker rambles about Kidman and threatens the healthy Harris Twin. I think they’re fighting tonight, but given how much Booker was going on, they might be taking in a matinee.

Cruiserweight Title: The Artist vs. Michael Modest

Artist is defending of course. Both guys get in the ring and another song plays but it’s just an error because WCW. Tony talks about fans talking to him about the return of Russo and Bischoff and my goodness just shut up already. Does anyone believe that this is the hottest story among common fans?

Modest throws a nice t-bone suplex and hammers away in the corner as Tony goes on about Russo’s success in the WWF leading to the downfall of Bischoff. Chavo and Candido come to the ring for a closer look. Madden on Russo and Bischoff: “What’s next? The cat working with the dog?” I get the joke, but WCW ran that match on Thunder this past week.

Artist is put in the Tree of Woe as we hear more about Russo and Bischoff before Tony throws in Sid issuing a half million dollar bounty on Hogan’s head. Modest grabs a quick Death Valley Driver for two as Chavo and Paisley argue on the apron. Madden: “Maybe we’re not putting this match over enough.” Artist gets knocked into Paisley and Modest hits something like White Noise for the pin, though this is suddenly a non-title match after the announcers and Paisley both said it was before the match started.

Rating: C. Modest looked fine out there and was a nice surprise, but you can tell Russo is back as there were 19 other things going on during the match. Between Tony and Madden never shutting up about the new writers and three people at ringside for whatever reason, I could barely see the match since the camera couldn’t stay still. But yeah Modest looked good here, which is why we won’t be seeing him in the ring again until January.

The announcers freak out over the finisher before jumping right back to the bounty. To be fair that’s a bigger story than Modest.

The Harris Twins get promo time. Oh sweet goodness the Harris Twins are getting promo time. Don has injured his shoulder from pressing Midajah back at the hotel, so tonight it’s Booker vs. Ron.

Spring break videos.

Hogan arrives but Vampiro flags him down for a chat.

Booker T. vs. Ron Harris

Ron is in an NWO shirt, jean shorts and tennis shoes. Don offers a quick trip so Ron can clothesline Booker to the floor as the announcers talk about Russo and Bischoff again. Booker fights back with a spinebuster and the ax kick but here’s Jarrett for a distraction, allowing Don to sneak in for an H Bomb (arm was fine of course) to give Ron the pin. So now Booker is losing to one of the Harris Twins? Jarrett is one thing but Booker has had singles success. This is too much of a stretch.

Harlem Heat comes out post match but Kidman runs in to save Booker.

Vampiro tells Hogan about the bounty in one of those moments that is so obviously scripted that it hurts my soul.

Gene brings out Hogan for a chat with Hulk taking his sweet time to get out here. Thankfully the announcers pick up on this and suggest that someone got to him already. Hogan talks about girls in swimsuits giving Jimmy Hart a massage to make him feel better after last week. Well he isn’t going to top that all night. Hulk thinks he should just stand out here all night and beat up Sid (who isn’t here) until the sun comes up. The frat boys chant for Hogan, who calls Vampiro the wrestler of the future.

Hogan and Vampiro is one of the most bizarre buddy pairings I’ve ever seen in wrestling. He sees the magic of Hulkamania in Vampiro and promises to watch his back. Cue the Wall’s music and we see him on the roof of the hotel next door where he signals for a chokeslam. Hogan: “THAT’S THE WALL!” Keep in mind that the hotel is about 15 stories high and at least a street away from the show, meaning that Wall would likely be a white dot from Hogan’s vantage point in the ring.

Disco tells the Mamalukes that their match with the Jung Dragons is their final step towards a title shot.

Jung Dragons vs. Mamalukes/Disco Inferno

The Dragons come out to 3 Count’s music with their green circles, meaning it’s time for Japanese boy band music. The Mamalukes sneak in from behind to jump start the beating, complete with their own version of the H Bomb to Jamie. Disco chills on the floor to start as Vito hammers Jamie in the corner. A charge in the corner misses though and Kaz comes in off the hot tag to clean house.

That earns him the wrath of Kung Fu Vito, who slugs Kaz down and brings in Johnny. A huge gorilla press toss sends Kaz over the top and to the floor in a big crash, but Tony is reading the announcement that Russo and Bischoff will work together. Yeah it’s been hyped up all night and it’s mentioned during a nothing six man tag. Vito picks Jamie up for a suplex and runs around the ring with him up in the air. That’s some impressive power.

Johnny jumps from the mat to the top rope for a spinning guillotine legdrop but it’s still not enough to get the announcers’ attention. This is straight out of the NWO era playbook where everything else is important except the match at hand. As Tony keeps going on, he ignores the Harris Twins interfering. I mean literally, it’s like he’s not even watching the match. There’s no change in his tone or anything and he just continues on about the announcement. Disco comes in via a slap to the face but the Dragons take him down and hit Chris Chetti and Nova’s Tidal Wave (FINALLY getting a reaction from Madden) for the pin.

Rating: C-. I’ve always been a fan of the Tidal Wave so this was a good ending. The announcers drove me crazy but that’s par for the course in WCW: focus on everything except what’s going on right in front of you because that’s the real place of interest. The match was decent enough as it got a bit more time than average and the Mamalukes are fine for a midlevel power team.

Tony says the Harris Brothers have come in, a good minute and a half after they got here and started beating people up. The Twins clean house to make sure the Dragons don’t get a rub off this.

Nitro Girls.

Team Package vs. Sting/Vampiro

This is under Texas Tornado rules, meaning the first person to lose their foot and get a really impressive prosthetic wins for his team. I would throw in something about cocaine use but that’s too fair to Flair. Since this is an upper midcard feud, the announcers spend the entrances talking about Russo and Bischoff. It’s a brawl to start with Luger and Sting immediately fighting up the ramp and out to the pool. While that goes on, Flair wristlocks Vampiro, which Tony describes as turning up the heat.

Luger gets backdropped into the water as Vampiro has Flair in some kind of a leg lock. Back poolside, Luger pushes a waiter in as we keep cutting back and forth between the two fights. It turns into a food fight with Luger taking some salsa and sour cream to the face. Flair has Vampiro in the Figure Four but we need to watch Sting and Luger walk down a bridge towards the beach. Sting gets thrown onto a surfboard, but Tony has breaking news.

No, Flair hasn’t made Vampiro submit. No, Sting and Luger aren’t actually doing something interesting. Instead, THERE WILL BE REACTIONS FROM WRESTLERS TO THE RUSSO AND BISCHOFF ANNOUNCEMENT! When you ask? WE’RE NOT SURE YET! Vampiro spinwheel kicks Flair down for two as Luger and Sting are almost down to the water. Luger finally gets the salsa and sour cream knocked off of him and a piledriver on the sand is enough to give Sting the pin.

Rating: N/A. It’s not really fair to rate this as most of it was spent walking around to get to the beach with maybe 45 seconds of Flair vs. Vampiro thrown in. Some of the Luger vs. Sting stuff was amusing but it never reached beyond the lame garbage brawling and jokes about Luger being covered in sauces. I will however give them credit for finally using their surroundings as this could have been a lot more boring than it was.

Booker T.’s reaction to Russo and Bischoff returning: he doesn’t really care.

Thunder – March 22, 2000: Oh Heaven Forbid

Thunder
Date: March 22, 2000
Location: TD Waterhouse Center, Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 2,443
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan

Now stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but Hulk Hogan’s buddy (and by buddy I mean someone he’s talked to twice) has turned on him and laid him out to end a show. Other than that we’ve still got Sting vs. Team Package because those three are joined at the hip for all eternity, doomed to wrestle each other forever, much like those fans stuck in the airport asking commentators and Kevin Nash about the goings on in WCW. Let’s get to it.

Quick montage of Nitro, focusing on Sid’s turn. Since this is Wrestlemania VIII all over again, I feel we should finally see Liz’s pictures as an apology.

Tank Abbott comes out and demands competition.

Tank Abbott vs. Fit Finlay

If this lasts two minutes I’ll be stunned. Abbott elbows Finlay in the corner to start before it heads to the mat with Fit in control. Some right hands and forearms have Tank in trouble and we hit the chinlock. Back up and Tank hits the big right hand to knock Finlay silly but here’s Meng. As luck would have it, Tank was looking at the entrance for a good five seconds before Meng’s music hit. Meng and Abbott get in a brawl for the DQ, even though Finlay is basically out.

We cut to the back where Hogan is punching Sid and slams him onto a table.

Gene is with Finlay in the ring and says he’s ready to fight Tank again because Abbott is as green as a frog. Before he can get much further, here are Hogan and Sid fighting down the aisle. Sid gets in the ring with Finlay and OH PLEASE let this wind up as a tag match with one of them having to team up with Abbott. Hogan vs./teaming with Tank could be the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Sid chokeslams Finlay and threatens Gene unless Hogan gets in here.

That goes nowhere so Sid wants a video played, which shows Hogan talking to Sid at Uncensored. Sid accuses Hogan of getting in his business, including helping him in the match against Jarrett and then at the press conference. He has a point, but this would be better had it not been over the course of 24 hours. Sid says Hogan was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hogan says any place, any time so Sid says bring it, but Hogan leaves because he’s a hypocrite.

Buff Bagwell doesn’t like Sid. The NWO is shown watching and doesn’t like Bagwell. I’m watching too and don’t like either, but the Harris Brothers are going to be around for a long time I’m sure because we’re just that lucky.

Here’s the Hogan vs. Sid brawl in case you forgot it in the last five minutes.

Sid hires some WCW security guards to work for him alone.

Dustin Rhodes is ready for Hulk Hogan later tonight. That could be……something.

Hogan can’t believe Dustin wants to fight him. As usual, Hogan thinks punching a guy in the face means nothing. Hogan being all delusional and thinking he never does anything wrong is one of my favorite things in wrestling. I mean, he hit Rock in the head with a hammer and crushed him with a semi truck but then gave him a thumbs up and posed with him so it was all cool. Jimmy Hart makes things even worse by saying Dustin just wants to fight him because he’s Hulk Hogan.

Jung Dragons vs. 3 Count

Please be as good as their Nitro match. Jamie-san and Shane get things going with Jamie shouldering Helms down in a surprising power display. Shannon sneaks in with a spinwheel kick after Shane gets sent to the floor and everything breaks down. Oh dear this is going to be hard to keep up with. The Dragons take over with a triple dive (that looked great) and Jamie ducks a moonsault from Shannon.

It’s off to Kaz who eats a knee to the ribs and gets tripled teamed in the corner as things have settled back down. A nice press slam drops Kaz again but he counters Evan’s cradle into a nice suplex. Yang comes in to clean house and fails at throwing Evan to the floor as Karagias can’t get through the ropes. It’s a good thing he moved on to something simpler like acting. Kaz and Jamie get tripped to the floor, leaving Shannon to hurricanrana Yang into a frog splash from Shane for the quick pin.

Rating: C+. As usual it was over too fast because we need to get to the eight other matches on this show. Oh and to Tank Abbott because he’s a star and therefore interesting or whatever. Unfortunately these six will be feuding for the rest of forever because, again, that’s how WCW works.

The Dragons, ever the sore losers, dropkick 3 Count out of the ring and steal the dancing circles. You can hear the young girls crying from here.

Chris Candido is from the school of Hard Knox don’t you know.

Chris Candido vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

The fans like Chavo. Artist and Paisley are shown watching in the back. They grapple to the mat until Chavo takes over with a headlock and here are Artist and Paisley to watch in person. Chavo sends him to the floor and follows with a nice dive as the fans are actually getting into this. Imagine that: getting into a match between talented guys.

Back in and Chavo dives into a Rock Bottom (becoming way too popular), followed by a delayed vertical for two. Candido slugs away in the corner but walks into a spinebuster. You don’t see Chavo go with the power that often. A Paisley distraction lets Candido powerslam Chavo down and head up top, only to be shoved off by Artist. The jumping DDT from Artist is enough to give Chavo the pin, though he didn’t see what Artist did.

Rating: C. As usual this didn’t have the time to go anywhere but at least Chavo got a pin and didn’t look like an idiot. The faster they get that title off Artist the better though, as these two can have better matches in their sleep than Artist could have if his career depended on it.

Post match Candido slams Chavo down and hits a pair of top rope headbutts. Forget what I said about Chavo looking good.

In the back we see a closeup of Miss Hancock’s legs. Well I’m sold. She sees something that drives her wild so the hair comes down.

Scott Steiner bench presses with help from the NWO girls.

XS vs. Los Fabulosos

That would be Lane/Rave vs. Silver King/El Dandy, now in matching costumes (in different colors. They look like Power Rangers minus the helmets) and with Hancock in their corner. Hancock promises they’ll make the women squirm, squeal and do thinks they never thought of doing before. XS attacks at the bell as you would expect them to do as Hancock jumps in on commentary.

The camera stays on Hancock (smart move) and comes back to see Los Fabulosos doing a nice sequence of a double drop toehold into stereo kicks. Lane takes Dandy down with a wheelbarrow slam but King’s helicopter slam (James Storm’s Eye of the Storm) to Lane sets up la majistral from Dandy for the pin. Decent enough debut but this is just a vehicle to get Hancock to the next level.

Disco tries to order a pizza under Big Vito’s name but gets caught. That earns him a match tonight while the Mamalukes go to Disneyworld. If there’s a point here, I’m not smart enough to get it.

Scott Steiner vs. Chuck Palumbo

This is Palumbo’s debut on the big shows. Steiner takes him down with ease and slaps on a…..squeeze I guess you’d call it. Chuck swings away to no avail before nailing the yet to be named Jungle Kick (superkick. I don’t know why he called it that either but I like the name). A belly to belly drops Palumbo and Steiner just unloads on him in the corner. Steiner scores with a backbreaker, t-bones Palumbo down and slaps on the Recliner for the win.

Rating: D. Palumbo was game but this was just a squash. Steiner is starting to get over as a monster, but with nothing for him to win there’s only so far he can go. It would be nice for some young guy to do something, but that isn’t the case with people like Booker or Kidman so why should Palumbo get to jump the line?

Curt Hennig says Sid shouldn’t have done what he did on Monday.

Disco Inferno vs. Vampiro

During the entrances, Tenay says tickets go on sale for Spring Stampede this weekend. The show is in less than a month and they’re just now selling tickets? No wonder they didn’t come close to selling the place out. Before the match Disco says he isn’t a wrestler so there’s no match. Cue Vampiro of course because no one listens to Disco Inferno. Tenay tries to play up Vampiro as getting a huge reaction and he’s borderline right for a change.

Disco tries to talk his way out of the match but pulls Vampiro to the floor, only to be sent over and then into the announcers’ table. Inside and Vampiro goes kung fu as we get commentary back. A running clothesline drops Vampiro but the fans say Disco sucks. Hey now the Bee Gees were awesome. Disco gets two off a Russian legsweep before they trade some hard shots, capped off by a Vampiro Rock Bottom for two. A top rope spinwheel kick and the Nail in the Coffin are enough to put Disco away.

Rating: C-. That might be high due to how lame the matches are on this show but at least this was entertaining while it lasted. Vampiro can at least do some good stuff in the ring and Disco is an underrated worker. Also, it’s nice for Vampiro to get a win instead of constantly jobbing to the veterans.

Speaking of the veterans, Flair and Luger come out for the beatdown but Sting makes the save.

Ernest “the Cat” Miller (in case you’re not up on your WCW nicknames) debuts Mike Jones as his shoe guarder. I love how Jones has basically played one character for thirteen years. It worked for Mr. Hughes so why not him?

Jeff Jarrett is ready for one of his biggest US Title defenses ever tonight. That’s accurate as it’s one of his only ever.

The Cat vs. The Dog

Please…..kill me now. It would be an act of mercy. I’ll pay you. Miller has Jones with him to guard the slippers. Dog charges at Miller when the Cat makes jokes and takes over with punches and a powerslam. Some forearms sets up some barking because this character is really, really literal. Even Cat thinks this is stupid so he hits Dog low and drops the dancing elbow. Cat kicks (of course) a lot but charges into a spinebuster. It’s shoe time but the referee kicks them away, leaving Dog to whip Cat into Brian Knobbs’ chain for two. Back up and a superkick ends Dog and of course it’s long enough to rate.

Rating: F. Somehow, this would have been better with more lame Heenan jokes. Miller is fine and at least has a character that has some details to it. Dog, on the other hand, IS A HUMANOID DOG. Like, he barks and comes out on a leash. I’d love to hear the production pitch for this and see the looks on everyone’s faces. Or the look on Vince McMahon’s face while he had Benoit vs. Angle vs. Jericho for his midcard at this point.

Knobbs whips Dog, meaning PETA probably protested because PETA is a bunch of nutjobs. Not their idea mind you, but their methods.

This Week in WCW Motorsports. With all of their problems, they can still field a team?

Knobbs finds the Dog chewing clothes. This is going to be a running gag isn’t it?

Norman Smiley needs someone to watch his back. Indeed, and that someone should beat him up for letting this hardcore stuff keep going.

Demon vs. Hugh Morrus

Morrus thinks Demon is funny, because laughing is his deal. It’s like the Joker you see, and that went over so well. Morrus takes over quickly with a back elbow and clothesline, only to miss an elbow drop by a few feet. Back up and Demon’s clothesline doesn’t work so it’s an enziguri to put Morrus down instead. Well at least he’ll sell something. A back elbow staggers Morrus again but he plants Demon with a spinebuster, setting up No Laughing Matter for the pin. So we’re at the point where pushing Hugh Morrus is the best they can do. Oh happy freaking day.

Knobbs puts Dog in his car and drives away. Dog puts his head out the window because WCW thinks this is entertaining.

We get some KidCam footage of Bagwell calling out Sid earlier. Then he hits on a backstage worker and gets nowhere.

Sid’s dressing room is empty.

Video on the Wall. Points for trying anything new I guess.

Hogan (called great by Gene) praises Dusty Rhodes but says Dustin isn’t his daddy.

Knobbs abandons Dog on the side of the road, triggering some moon howling.

US Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Buff Bagwell

Jarrett is defending for the first time on TV (well other than Saturday Night) since the first Thunder of the year. Bagwell hammers away to start and hits his running neckbreaker. A Vader Bomb gets two so cue the Harris Brothers to pull Buff to the floor for a beating. Buff misses a cross body and gets double teamed again, so here’s Curt Hennig for the save. Buff’s double arm DDT gets no count as one of the Twins offers a distraction, so Buff is smart enough to lay Jarrett out with the Blockbuster, only to have Steiner come in for the DQ. It was energetic while it lasted but as always, the NWO kills anything interesting.

The NWO goes after Hennig’s arm as the bell rings for about a minute straight.

Hogan tells Jimmy Hart to get Bill Busch to make the match with Sid no matter what it takes.

Dustin Rhodes vs. Hulk Hogan

Dustin stomps Hogan down as he comes into the ring and chokes with a t-shirt. You know, because that’s worked so well over the years. Rhodes pounds away even more and uppercuts Hogan to cut off a comeback. They head outside with Hogan being thrown onto the announcers’ table, knocking out commentary. Back in and Dustin hits a chinlock as this is already dying. The hold stays on for nearly two minutes before Hogan’s arm stays up. A clothesline gets two on Hogan and it’s Hulk Up time. The big boot misses though and Dustin scores with another clothesline, followed by a cowbell shot to the head for the DQ.

Rating: F. The match ran six minutes and the chinlock was a third of that time. And for what? To build up Dustin Rhodes as a threat? I mean, well done on building up someone new, but Dustin Rhodes as the evil cowboy is the best idea you have? This company deserves to go under if this is their top idea.

Dustin leaves but Nick Patrick says we’re not done yet. Rhodes called Hogan out so he has a ten count to get back in or it’s $10,000 and a potential suspension. He gets back in, clubs Hogan twice…..and then eats the big boot and legdrop for the pin to end the show.

Oh screw you WCW. You go out of your way with that bad of a match to set up Dustin as some kind of a threat and THIRTY SECONDS later he’s jobbing to the big boot and legdrop. That’s the big reason WCW is in the place it’s in at this point: because they can’t just let someone look bad for a minute before they get their heat back because it might ruin whatever. Good grief it’s not going to kill Hogan to wait until Monday, when he’ll be in ANOTHER World Title program to get his win back, where he might even be able to make some money with Dustin in a rematch.

Overall Rating: D. This one had some promise to it and then came crashing down in the last hour and a half. That doesn’t sound horrible but keep in mind that this is just a two hour show. The stupid matches that no one wanted to see and Hogan making sure that no one got over for more than thirty seconds because Hogan must look strong. That reboot is looking better by the second as maybe SOMEONE under can come in and get some significant airtime. Except Jarrett of course.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Monday Nitro – March 20, 2000: We’ll Need More Papa Shango

Monday Nitro #232
Date: March 20, 2000
Location: O’Connell Center, Gainsville, Florida
Commentators: Mark Madden, Tony Schiavone

Uncensored has come and gone and I think we’re all a little bit better because of that. I’m not entirely sure what you would call the big story coming off the show but I guess Scott Steiner returning for the second time this year is up there. It’s not a good time to be a WCW fan at the moment and last night gave me no reason to think that is going to change anytime soon. Let’s get to it.

Earlier today Sid arrived to a small mob of fans who are thrilled that he’s still World Champion. Maybe WCW wouldn’t be in so much trouble if they didn’t fund such massive brainwashing experiments.

Opening sequence.

Gene brings out Sid Vicious to open things up. Madden is already ripping on Hogan for coming out to help Sid when Sid didn’t need it, which sounds like we should be leading up to Sid vs. Hogan, which makes sense and would probably suck the least out of any match they could throw at us at this point. Sid is glad to finally have Jeff Jarrett off his back and loves the fact that he got to prove Jarrett wrong last night. In a sudden side trip, Sid says it doesn’t matter what you do to a pig because it’s still a pig. But what if you make it into pork chops?

Cue Jarrett because this feud MUST continue. Jarrett has pinned Sid three times in the past so it’s clear that he has Sid’s number, and Sid is only still champion because of Hogan. Sid says bring it but Jeff says he wants another title match, which Sid won’t give him. Instead, Jarrett has a solution: a tag match, and if Jeff pins Sid, he gets another shot. If he can’t though, he never asks for another shot again. The fans LOVE that idea but Jeff wants to introduce us to his partner first.

Of course it’s Scott Steiner, who would seem to be the newest member of the NWO and with some tape over his mouth with the word CENSORED written across it. Threats are made but Sid says he doesn’t need a partner, even though he could find one really easily. Cue Hogan of course, to talk about being the baddest man the NWO ever had. Hogan has seen Sid carrying the belt tall and proud, so Sid is the man to get WCW back on track. I love that they’re just admitting that WCW is in trouble on national TV. The match is on. There’s a joke there about Hogan and Teddy Long but I’ll let you guys fill in the punchline yourselves.

Tony gives us a quick recap of Uncensored. How can a thirty second speech sound so boring?

Tonight: Sting vs. Flair. Somehow that sounds like the best idea they’ve had in weeks.

Luger tells Flair to take care of Sting tonight while he takes out Vampiro. Flair rants about both of them and it’s very nice to see Vampiro being thrown into the deep end like this. You have to try that at some point, which is (arguably) the biggest knock against WCW over the years.

Ricky Rachman and Spring Breakout are still coming. Be still my beating heart.

Chavo Guerrero says he’s back to get the Cruiserweight Title and get his finances in order. He steals Gene’s wallet to help himself out.

Chris Candido vs. Lash Leroux

Paisley and the (silent) Artist are on commentary. Before the match, Candido calls himself the greatest example of a pure wrestler going today, because he doesn’t need a gimmick, costume, catchphrase of a trashy valet. Oh I’m guessing she’s coming later. Lash dropkicks Candido down to take over in a hurry but Chris quickly makes the ropes to hide. A dropkick and shoulder put Candido down again, only to have him come back with an enziguri.

Candido scores with a nice delayed vertical suplex as Madden talks about Candido winning a 10-1 handicap match. Madden: “I think Big Josh was involved.” Candido’s guillotine legdrop gets two as we discuss Madden wearing purple. Lash’s comeback is quickly stopped and a top rope superplex sets up a swan dive to give Chris the quick pin. Nice debut here and they can’t get Artist away from the title soon enough.

Lane and Rave ask Miss Hancock who she’s found to replace them. Hancock promises to debut them on Thunder: Los Fabulosos.

Fit Finlay vs. La Parka

Time for some chair dancing and VOICEOVER GUY! La Parka talks about being in the hizzouse and the 1414, meaning one for him and one for his homies. Finlay has one chance to leave before La Parka knocks the Lucky Charms out of him. La Parka tries to beg off and says that’s not his voice but Finlay beats him up anyway.

The masked man gets dropped throat first across the top rope, which might clean up some of those vocal issues. A HUGE back elbow to the jaw puts La Parka down again but Finlay goes to the floor for no apparent reason, only to avoid a plancha. Back in and La Parka loads up a crane kick, only to take a Regal Roll for another quick pin. At least La Parka is funny.

Kidman and Booker talk strategy. Madden talks Torrie’s cleavage.

Vampiro takes the cast off his hand and bangs it against the wall. The concrete kind, not the monster.

Stills of Wall vs. Bigelow, which Tony calls a collection of painful bumps.

Gene brings out David Flair and Daffney for a special message for America. This could be, dare I say it, interesting. David drags out a table and I don’t see this ending well. He talks about Bigelow and Crowbar sharing a hospital room so he wants Wall out here right now to put him through that table. There goes the neck brace and here comes Wall, who no sells a fire extinguisher blast from Daffney and chokeslams David through the table. The announcers say David can join Bigelow and Crowbar in their hospital room. Well no wonder he can’t get healthy if he gets injured in Gainsville and goes all the way to Miami for treatment.

Tony: “Right now it’s our Wolverine Boot Stomp of the Night! Ok I guess it’s not!”

To take your mind off that, here’s a centerfold of Torrie in the latest WCW Magazine.

Tag Team Titles: Harris Twins vs. Kidman/Booker

The Twins are defending. Madden brings up the NWO only needing one more belt to have them all, which makes me realize how horrible that group really is as I do not care in the slightest. Booker kicks Ron down to start and we get an early Spinarooni. Off to Don vs. Kidman with the bald guy doing a very weak tilt-a-whirl…..I guess you can call that a slam. At least it sounds better than tilt-a-whirl gently lay down. Booker comes in to take out both Twins and hits a bad looking Rock Bottom for two on Ron (jump dude), followed by the Bodog from Kidman. That’s enough for the Twins as a belt shot draws the DQ.

Torrie gets on Don’s back but gets thrown down, earning Don a chair to the head.

The Mamalukes tell Disco to get them a rematch or he’s out. Disco says it’s really their fault so Vito says Disco is out.

Total Package vs. Vampiro

So much for Vampiro’s push. Before the match, Luger tells Vampiro that this is his welcome to the major leagues but he only has a wiffle ball bat. Vampiro sneaks in through the crowd for an enziguri to start fast but Luger goes low to take over. What looks to be a Rack attempt is turned into a belly to back suplex before Luger starts kicking at the bad arm. Vampiro tries going to the floor but Luger drives an ax handle into the back and posts him for good measure.

Back in and Luger drops him with a gorilla press, which means he must be running out of moves to use. Vampiro comes back with a bunch of kicks as Tony is STUNNED that Vampiro could get in offense on someone like Luger. A top rope clothesline gets two on Luger but here’s Ric Flair, who is quickly dropped by an elbow. The distraction is enough for Luger to get in a bat shot though and the Rack is good for the submission.

Rating: D+. Dang that was close. Vampiro was getting close to get over as a young face here but Luger took him out just in time. Standard WCW formula here: the young guy gets close but can’t get the win because it just wouldn’t work to let Vampiro get a fluke win because it might hurt Luger’s spot, as if he actually might not be near the top of the card until he dies. I mean, he was a big star like eight years ago.

Sting makes the save.

Scott Steiner says it’s hard to keep a hard man down and rants about Hogan being as successful as he was because of people like Steiner behind him.

More Rachman.

Nitro Girls.

Dustin Rhodes is tired of being held down by the old guys so he’s taking them out one by one, starting with Curt Hennig tonight.

We see clips of a press conference after Uncensored went off the air last night. Oh man let’s get this over with. Sid wasn’t surprised by anything Jeff threw at him last night but here’s Hogan to officially endorse Sid but the spotlight is taken away from Sid and he doesn’t seem thrilled. This is of course totally different than the Wrestlemania VIII press conference where Hogan stole the spotlight from Sid to get on his nerves back in 1992.

Norman Smiley vs. Hugh Morrus

Smiley is past his demon phase but has gone with something far more terrifying: a Florida Gators jersey. Smiley grabs a cravate to start but Morrus elbows him in the jaw to break up the spanking dance. A butterfly suplex is countered into a sunset flip to give Norman two but another elbow puts him down again. Some dancing elbows (he’s a man of limited offense) get two for Morrus as he pulls Smiley up. A powerslam gets the same treatment before No Laughing Matter ends the destruction. That’s what Smiley gets for getting popular when WCW doesn’t want him to. Serves him right for the hard work.

Demon comes out to check on Norman but gets laid out too. So we have the popular Norman, the guy with a pop culture connection, and the one step above average power brawler. Guess who gets to stand tall.

Hennig says he’ll beat Dustin because he’s unbeatable. That doesn’t mean he’ll beat Dustin. They could just go to a draw, which means Dustin wouldn’t win but Hennig wouldn’t lose. Hennig really should get these details right.

Dustin Rhodes vs. Curt Hennig

Hennig still has a cast on. Rhodes takes him into the corner to start as Madden declares himself a Rhodes fan for how Dustin ripped on Hogan. Hennig comes back with a neckbreaker and right hands, followed by the necksnap. A big right hand knocks Curt to the floor and Dustin slams the cast into the barricade before ripping the cast off for the DQ. Really, that’s a DQ?

Dustin hits the referee but Hogan makes the save. Hogan and…..midcarders? Huh? I mean HUH??? Tony: “Thank God for Hogan.”

Sid promises to win tonight and tells Jimmy to make sure no one comes to the ring tonight.

Sting says he has to fight Ric at least one more time, but tonight Team Package is split right down the middle and, I quote, “Team Package is like two peas in a pod.” That was the funniest unintentional line in months, or maybe I’m just desperate for anything remotely amusing.

Tank Abbott vs. Barbarian

Meng is watching backstage and says not long now Tank, not long at all. WHY CAN MENG TALK??? I know he has before but again, MONSTERS DON’T TALK. Slugout to start with Barbarian getting the better of it but Tank slams him down and puts on a front facelock before the big punch knocks Barbarian out. Just a longer version of Tank’s usual stuff.

Flair starts talking as he walks to the ring but we cut to Sting for more walking.

Ricky Rachman is a thing for the third time tonight.

Sting vs. Ric Flair

This is Sting’s first match on Nitro since December. They start with a basic sequence as Sting shoulders him down, knocks Flair to the apron, clotheslines him to the floor and clotheslines him on the floor for good measure. The Stinger Splash against the barricade misses though (that’s up there with Flair’s…..whatever off the top) and Ric takes over.

Back in and Flair punches him in the jaw to drop Sting, possibly wanting to knock off Sting’s beard at the same time. It’s time to no sell chops though with a pair of press slams, including one off the top. Cue Luger who gets beaten up as well and it’s Stinger Splashes all around, setting up the Scorpion to make Flair give up.

Rating: C-. Flair vs. Sting is one of those matches that automatically receives a higher rating by definition. It’s just a hard pairing to screw up because they’re both talented and have fought so many times that it’s almost impossible for them to screw up out there. I have no idea why we’re still seeing them fight, but the terrifying reason is that they’re one of the few combinations that still might work around here. You know, of course omitting any pairing of old vs. new because those are just out of the question.

Luger and Flair beat Sting down until Vampiro makes the save.

Scott Steiner/Jeff Jarrett vs. Sid Vicious/Hulk Hogan

If Jarrett gets pinned, he can never ask for a title shot again, but if he pins Sid, he gets the next shot. Jeff ejects the girls again and tells them to warm up the jacuzzi. Hogan and Jarrett get things going with Hulk hammering away and sending Jeff face first into Sid’s boot. Sid and Hogan take turns on Jeff’s arm before Hogan goes back to his comfort zone of right hands in the corner. At least they look better than last night’s batch.

Steiner breaks up a chokeslam attempt and the bag guys take over with the bicep curl elbow getting two. Scott charges into a boot in the corner and the tag brings in Hogan to clean house. The fans chant for Hogan and Sid isn’t happy. The big boot drops Jarrett and Hogan loads up the legdrop, only to charge into a chokeslam…..for the pin due to reasons that I don’t want to understand.

Rating: D. So now they’re just flat out ripping off the main event of Wrestlemania VIII, right down to the tag match that set it up. Sid is a heel now, meaning the top faces are once again Hogan and Sting with……Vampiro in third place I guess. Bad match, but like I said earlier, do they have a better option than Hogan vs. Sid right now? Hogan vs. a monster is as simple of an idea as you can have, even in 2000.

Sid talks trash to Hogan to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. WCW at this point is in a weird place as they’re getting the most out of what they have, but the ceiling is so low on what they can accomplish that it’s not saying much. This was more watchable than Uncensored as they’re keeping the wrestling short, but the stories are just not doing it. They’re such basic ideas with people who can’t back it up in the ring and that’s not going to work in either the short term or the long term.

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Uncensored 2000 (2015 Redo): Very Bad Things

Uncensored 2000
Date: March 19, 2000
Location: American Airlines Arena, Miami, Florida
Attendance: 5,000
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Mark Madden, Tony Schiavone

We had to get here eventually. This is one of the lamest sounding shows I’ve seen in a very long time and it’s not something I want to sit through again. The main event is Jeff Jarrett vs. Sid for the World Title, but the real big match is Hogan vs. Flair, because we only did that last year at this same show so it’s high time to do it again. Let’s get to it.

The opening video recaps the triple main event of Hogan vs. Flair, Sid vs. Jarrett and Luger vs. Sting. Two of those men are under 40 and that number would go down to one in about two and a half months.

Hogan and Sid have a chat in the back where they say to watch each other’s back.

Jarrett tells the Harris Twins that he has an insurance policy.

A limo is here.

The opening pyro doesn’t get much of a reaction from the people. There’s a shot of the crowd and they look like they’re about to watch an instructional film on how to properly wash their hands.

Cruiserweight Title: The Artist vs. Psychosis

Artist is defending after Psychosis beat Kaz Hayashi to earn this shot on Thunder. Their video to set this up shows Hayashi pinning Psychosis a few weeks back, but somehow that didn’t earn him a title shot. The announcers talk about the Artist dominating the division for the last few months, despite him not even having the belt for a month yet. To be fair, I doubt anyone remembers the last few months of the cruiserweights at this point. Paisley and Juventud Guerrera are the seconds here.

Before we can get going, we get more music and it’s….the debuting Chris Candido to do commentary. After a minute of no contact so Candido can come out, the Artist (and his slimming purple vertical striped shirt) charges into the corner, allowing Psychosis to hurricanrana the champ down. Artist ties him in the Tree of Woe for some lame kicks to the ribs before a superkick gets two. The ring mic seems a bit low tonight as there isn’t a ton of sound when people hit the mat.

Psychosis is sent into the steps before Artist nails a running clothesline in the corner. Instead of a chinlock, Artist pulls on Psychosis’ hair with a knee in his back. That’s rather effective. A clothesline (to the middle of the chest) doesn’t have much effect on Psychosis so he comes back with a top rope hurricanrana for two.

Psychosis plants him with a sitout gordbuster (hopefully knocking some skills into Artist’s head) and Juvy goes after an interfering Paisley, who beats him up and takes off his shirt. There’s the guillotine legdrop but Psychosis pulls away at two to yell at Paisley. Or maybe he’s asking where she got her catsuit. Artist’s middle rope DDT (with Psychosis jumping into it) retains the title.

Rating: D. I feel like I have to say this every single time he’s out there, but Artist just isn’t very good. He’s such a generic wrestler and his finisher, while cool in theory, is almost never executed properly as the other guy has to jump up to give their head to Iaukea. Bad choice for an opener here as this did nothing to fire me up for the rest of the show.

Tony throws it to Gene. “That’s how you fill some time.” Just……yeah.

Bam Bam Bigelow regrets bringing the Wall into this business because he’s going about it all wrong. Tonight, he’s finishing the Wall and showing him how to do it right. Again, this is one of the better done stories in WCW at this point.

XS vs. Norman Smiley/The Demon

Somehow this ties into Miss Hancock as she comes down to do commentary before Norman and Demon make their entrances. I’m still not sure what the story is here other than XS being jerks and messing with Demon and Hancock being annoyed at XS for dumping her. Hancock thinks XS stands for extra small.

Demon’s casket appears and Norman comes out in full Demon garb. Demon throws Rave (is that his name this week?) around to start but gets knocked outside, leaving Norman to take over in the ring. Lane takes the spanking dance (not the Big Wiggle. You don’t come back from that) and things settle down again. Hancock says she has a new tag team in Los Fabulosos: Silver King and El Dandy. Tony: “If there was ever a time to be El Dandy, it’s right now.” Demon gets double teamed as the fans LOUDLY chant for Norman. That says a lot given how small the crowd is in such a big building.

XS tries a double clothesline on Demon, but it winds up putting Rave and Demon down as Lane stays on his feet….and falls down a few seconds later. Do these people just not get physics? The hot tag brings in Norman to clean house with right hands and the swinging slam to Lane. A school boy gets two on Norman and everything breaks down as the announcers start spouting off KISS lyrics. Demon and Lane go outside, leaving Norman to put Rave in the Norman’s Conquest for the win. That was sudden.

Rating: D. Other than Miss Hancock, I have no idea what the appeal was supposed to be here. This was a lame Nitro level match with Norman being OH SO FUNNY as the Demon, even though he wrestled like he always does. Tragically for him though, the fans seem to love him so he’s dead where he stands. This didn’t need to be on pay per view but at least it killed a few minutes.

Post match XS blames Hancock for the loss and tries to kidnap her but the Screamin Demons make the save. Hancock dances with Norman. Now that deserves to be on pay per view.

Kidman and Booker argue again.

Quick recap of Wall destroying everything in his path over the last few weeks, which has mainly been David Flair and Crowbar.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Wall

They slug it out to start with Bigelow getting the better of it until he charges into a clothesline. Bigelow slams Wall down and hits the top rope headbutt for two. A pair of boots to the face gets the same thing on Bigelow but he grabs a running DDT for his second two. Wall comes back with a Cactus Clothesline and they fight to the back where Wall chokeslams Bigelow through a table for the DQ.

Rating: D. Well that happened. This was looking like a decent brawl until the lame ending in less than three and a half minutes. The story makes sense here and it’s good to see Wall get the better of it (this is one of those cases where leaving Bigelow laying is better than getting a win) but I don’t see this getting him anywhere because WCW.

Post match David Flair and Crowbar go after Wall with Crowbar getting in some good shots. Bigelow is loaded onto a stretcher, likely due to shock of how lame the table spot was. Crowbar and Wall wind up on the metal set and, of course, Crowbar gets chokeslammed through the wooden part of the set. Wall has a euphoric look on his face, which is totally and completely different than Bubba Ray Dudley’s euphoric look when he puts people through tables. Fans: “JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!”

Crowbar is taken out on a stretcher and this takes forever. The announcers get serious, so let’s go to Brian Knobbs, who dedicates his next match to David Flair and Crowbar. David wasn’t really hurt but let’s dedicate it to him anyway.

Hardcore Title: Brian Knobbs vs. 3 Count

3 Count is defending as a unit and this is elimination rules. Before the match, it’s time for some singing and dancing, which is more entertaining than the previous match but Knobbs interrupts. Tony actually asks how they can call this match when they aren’t sure if Crowbar is ever going to walk again and think they should stop the show. OH SCREW OFF. This comes off as trying to play off of Owen Hart’s death and Vince not stopping the show. As in a real life death being compared to a scripted bump. If that’s what they were doing, then WCW deserves to go under on this night instead of a year later.

Anyway, Knobbs brings some weapons down and shrugs off 3 Count using them against him. Shannon gets a Pit Stop but Shane (in a mask to protect his broken nose) blasts Brian in the face with a chair. They whip him into a ladder and all three dive off the top of it with splashes/a Swanton. The champs stop for some dancing but eat a big blast from a fire extinguisher, followed by a chair to Shane’s broken nose for the first elimination.

Knobbs spends a minute setting up a table before powerbombing Evan through it to get this down to one on one. Helms is back up despite being eliminated but Knobbs easily beats him down as well. Brian falls over a table with Shannon on top for three but Knobbs is in the ropes, which apparently saves you in a hardcore match. So falls count anywhere, as long as you’re not in the ropes? I felt stupid just typing something like that. Knobbs beats up Evan and Shane again before a middle rope trashcan shot to Shannon gives him the title back. Tenay: “Respectability just came back to the hardcore division!”

Rating: D-. A foot on the ropes in a hardcore match. Not only does WCW not get why the WWF’s hardcore division worked, but they also don’t get what hardcore is supposed to be about. 3 Count as champions had potential but why go with something interesting when you can go with one of Hogan’s friends?

Harlem Heat is ready.

The limo is still sitting there.

Vampiro says he’s ashamed by the things he sees and the violent things he thinks about doing. He wants to be a good person but Fit Finlay keeps pushing him to do very bad things. Tony: “You could subtitle Uncensored very bad things.”

Kidman/Booker vs. Harlem Heat

J. Biggs sits in on commentary because we haven’t had a guest commentator in a few matches now. Booker slugs away at Stevie to start as you can see five very empty seats about ten rows off the floor. You would think they would send someone out there to hide how bad that looks. Kidman comes in and loses the team’s advantage, allowing for the tag off to Big T. It’s back to Booker to clean about half the house but Harlem Heat double teams Kidman down again.

Torrie gets on the apron for no apparent reason and Biggs calls her a yak. Kidman gets thrown outside where Big T. can dive over the barricade to take him down again, causing a small earthquake in the process. Booker breaks up a cover and Biggs keeps jabbering away, only to finally shut up when Kidman DDT’s Stevie for a breather. The hot tag brings in Booker to clean the rest of the house.

The Rock Bottom gets two on T. and a second one drops Ray. Stevie isn’t the legal man though so it’s a double side slam instead, with Kidman making a fast save. Tony: “TEAMWORK!” Kidman shoves Stevie into Cash and comes in for a sunset flip on T. with Booker kicking him over to give Kidman the pin.

Rating: C-. Not terrible here and the right team won, but I don’t buy for a second that they’re going to be used properly, at least not with the Harris Twins around to suck the life out of anything that’s going on in the tag division. Kidman and Booker work well together and we got to see Torrie so this is pretty easily the best thing of the night so far.

We look at Crowbar being chokeslammed through the stage again.

Recap of Finlay vs. Vampiro, which has really just been Finlay attacking him backstage. This comes after Vampiro was getting some cups of coffee in the main event. Now he’s here.

Vampiro vs. Fit Finlay

Oh and let’s make it falls count anywhere because Heaven forbid we have more than one or two wrestling matches tonight. Finlay puts him down to start and we’re on a nerve hold thirty seconds in. Vampiro fights up and nails a top rope spinwheel kick before slowly stomping away. That’s fine with Finlay who gets a chair, but Little Naitch takes it away because this is falls count anywhere and not a No DQ match.

Instead they head outside with Finlay dropping him throat first across the barricade, meaning it’s time to fight into the crowd. It gets all the way to the concourse as they do the “grab hair and walk with me” formula. They hit the women’s room as I’m still trying to figure out why these two are even fighting like this. It goes to the men’s room for the sake of taste and Vampiro climbs onto a stall but dives into a trashcan shot. They leave again and the lights turn red before both guys head outside. Never mind as they head back inside where Vampiro sends him into a wall and The Nail in the Coffin on the concrete ends Finlay.

Rating: D. BUT WHY WERE THEY FIGHTING??? I’ve been watching the TV shows lately and I still have no idea why these two are even mad at each other. I know they’ve had issues in the back but what started it all? Vampiro is stuck back down on the card instead of doing something important because he was on the verge of mattering and WCW will not stand for that.

Vampiro walks through the crowd. Roman Reigns he is not.

The Mamalukes are ready for their title defense.

Tag Team Titles: Harris Brothers vs. Mamalukes

The Mamalukes (Big Vito/Johnny the Bull) are defending against Ron and Don. We’ll make it No DQ just so things don’t stay boring. Disco jumps in on commentary too so we can keep up the trend. Vito hammers on Don to start and the Twins take a breather on the floor. Back in and Johnny powerslams Don for two before it’s right back to Vito.

Don doesn’t know how to sell a double elbow to the jaw (hint: FALL DOWN!) and instead hits Vito low to take over. The champs take over on the now legal Ron (does it matter if he’s legal in a No DQ match?) and hit something like the H Bomb for two. Don can’t even hit Johnny from the apron properly (it looked like he was messing with his hair) but it’s enough for Ron to take over for the first time.

Don side slams Johnny for two but the Bull is able to make the tag so Vito can fire off his good looking kicks. A top rope elbow gets two on Ron and a Hart Attack gets the same. Back in and the H Bomb gets two on Vito with Johnny making the save. Disco sneaks in with a belt shot to Ron for two but Don lays everyone out with the belt and the H Bomb to Vito gives the Twins the titles. Lucky us.

Rating: D. So the boring team just beat the ok team to win the titles. Like I said, lucky us. It was a watchable match but there was no need for this to be No DQ. The Twins are one of the least interesting teams that I’ve seen in a long time and I have no idea who decided they should be in the main event scene.

Finlay admits that the better man won tonight and wants Vampiro to keep that fire burning.

Ric Flair praises Lex Luger again because that’s all he knows how to do anymore.

We recap Dustin Rhodes vs. Terry Funk, which is over how tough Dustin is compared to his daddy and then something about beating him over the head with a chicken.

Dustin says tonight is Funk’s retirement match and he’ll admit that Dustin is the American Nightmare.

Dustin Rhodes vs. Terry Funk

Bullrope match, which is TOTALLY different than the strap match later. Terry comes out with the chicken as this feud built around someone who doesn’t even work for the company continues. Funk says he has Dustin’s baby brother here and it’s a guy in a chicken suit. Even Tony seems to find this stupid. Dustin chases the chicken and walks into a left hand from the chicken in Terry’s hand.

They’re not attached yet so Terry whips him with the rope. A cowbell to the head gets two for Terry but Dustin hits him low to take over. They’re still not tied together so Dustin just hits Terry in the head over and over with the bell. They finally tie it up and Dustin gets two off a DDT. A bulldog onto the cowbell gets two for Dustin and here’s the guy in the chicken suit again. Dustin quickly lays him out for the sake of good taste but Terry crotches him on the top rope to slow Rhodes down.

There’s a low blow with the cowbell (Madden: “That’ll hurt your ding a ling.”) Funk grabs the mic and says he’s making this an I Quit match. The referee says no and gets a cowbell to the head. Dustin takes a bunch of cowbells to the head and Dustin quits. However, that doesn’t count because this is pinfall or submission only and quitting doesn’t count. I mean just……no wait, I don’t know what I mean because THAT MAKES NO SENSE. Anyway, Terry argues with the referee, allowing Dustin to hit Terry in the head with a cowbell before a piledriver onto the bell is enough to give Rhodes the pin.

Rating: D-. Good night just end this show already. I have no idea why I was supposed to care about this but I guess these families feuded like twenty years ago and since Terry Funk doesn’t know how to retire, the thing is still going. This wasn’t interesting and was all about the whole TEXAS IS AWESOME theme, which is really annoying if you’re not from Texas.

They keep fighting post match until they just stop.

Sid is ready for Jarrett.

Recap of Sting vs. Luger, which is over Luger breaking everyone’s arm, starting with Sting.

Total Package vs. Sting

This is a lumberjack match with everyone whose arm Luger has broken surrounding the ring, plus anyone Luger could find who was willing to wear a cast as well. Tony: “Mark Madden is not wearing pants.” It took you an hour and forty five minutes to notice that???Before the match, Luger tries to calm the situation down by apologizing to everyone whose arm has been broken recently.

Luger jumps Sting before he can get the trench coat (it’s not a cape Tony) off. Sting slugs him out to the floor but it’s right in front of the heel lumberjacks. Back in and Sting goes into his greatest hits catalog but the big jumping elbow ACTUALLY CONNECTS. Madden thinks Sting’s acting career is taking off to the point that he could be the next Alicia Silverstone. Luger is sent outside and the good guys, including Doug Dillinger, stomps him down. Madden: “CALL SECURITY!”

Back in and Luger sends Sting to the heel side for the same treatment. Cue Tank Abbott to punch out Dillinger, causing the lumberjacks to finally give up and brawl to the back. Luger slaps on a chinlock as only Vampiro is left at ringside. This brings out Flair to fight Vampiro as Sting makes his comeback.

Flair comes in to rake Sting’s eyes but gets splashed in the corner. Liz sneaks in with a ball bat shot to Sting’s shoulder but Jimmy Hart runs in to take Liz away. Sting kicks out at two, with the referee having to pause a bit because Sting wasn’t kicking out in time. There’s the Torture Rack but Vampiro hits Luger in the back with the bat, setting up the Death Drop for the pin.

Rating: F. How in the world are these two considered legends if this is as good as they can do? This was a HUGE mess with way too much interference and Sting looks like a loser who needed a save to make the win, even though it’s been treated like a huge victory for Sting. For some reason though, Luger is going to keep getting pushed and Flair is going to continue to be his lackey because WCW.

Vampiro and Sting hug post match. This could be a big rub for Vampiro.

Tank Abbott is asked why he hit Doug Dillinger. Tank: “Because he’s in the computer.”

We recap Jarrett vs. Sid, which is all about Jarrett hitting Sid with a lot of guitars.

The limo is opened as we’re told that the last two matches have been swapped.

Sid is surprised that he’s up next and runs off to fight. This was a totally unnecessary ten second segment.

WCW World Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Sid Vicious

Sid is defending. Before the match, Jeff says the girls will strip if he wins the title. Sid clotheslines him down to start and hits ten horrible right hands in the corner. Another clothesline puts Jeff on the floor and it’s already time to brawl. They head into the crowd and then up by the entrance with Sid in full control. Cue the Harris Twins to beat Sid down and give Jeff control.

Back in and Jarrett slugs away, earning himself a warning for clinched fists. The sleeper has Sid in trouble but he fights out and punches Jarrett out of the air. A big boot puts Jeff down but one of the Twins offers a distraction. The other Twin gets on the apron with the belt, only to have Jeff go face first into the gold for two. Another distraction lets Jeff get in a guitar shot as crooked referee Slick Johnson comes in to count. Hogan makes the save at two and cleans house to give Sid the easy pin to retain. Much like Sting, some hero.

Rating: D-. I guess this was their way of trying to keep the fans awake during the most boring title match in recorded history but it really didn’t do the trick. Instead this was messy and a borderline disaster, only saved by the fact that this was less than eight minutes long. Thankfully that’s it for Sid vs. Jeff but unfortunately it’s about a month too late.

Hogan and Sid get beaten down so here’s Flair to start the main event in a hurry.

Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair

This is a Yappapi strap match, which means strap match plus all the racist overtones you can find. It’s the four corners variety to make sure no one has to actually do a job (and by no one of course I mean Flair because Hogan isn’t losing to Flair as a face). Flair beats on him for a bit before they get tied up and it’s to the outside where Hogan takes over. Back in and Hulk chokes a bit as we hear about Flair still being upset over Bash at the Beach 1994. Flair chokes a lot but Hogan kicks him low.

The chops have no effect (Flair: “OH GOD I’M SORRY!”) and Hogan chokes even more. Now it’s time for punching and biting in the corner before Flair rakes the eyes. Using his new found advantage, Flair goes up top and gets slammed down. Jimmy Hart gets in some strap shots of his own and Ric is busted open.

They fight up to the ramp and here’s Luger to blast Hogan with a chair. Now Hulk is busted open too and a low blow stops his latest comeback attempt. Back in and Flair punches and chokes until Jimmy’s latest rescue attempt fails. The camera pans over and, I kid you not, the bottom section of chairs, as in the first probably twenty rows, is about 75% empty. Even TNA doesn’t have that kind of issues today.

Flair busts out the brass knuckles to knock Hogan out for two. Not two buckles or anything, but a two count, because even the wrestlers and referee don’t get the rules. Hulk makes his comeback, touches three buckles, beats up Luger again (with a boot to the hand), drops a leg on Flair for a pin, and touches the fourth corner after the bell to make it clear that he wins.

Rating: F. In the year 2000, the wrestlers and referees couldn’t figure out the rules, there was a ton of interference and Hogan somehow beat Flair twice in the same one fall match. This main evented a pay per view just two weeks before Wrestlemania. Horrible main event and a perfect ending to such an awful pay per view.

Overall Rating: F-. This was one of the worst shows I can remember and that’s what I fully expected coming in. I don’t think this one requires a long winded explanation, but here’s one of the major issues: this show runs 2:34 with 11 matches. Only two matches break nine minutes. How can WCW look at this and actually think this is the best they can do? I know the reboot is coming soon and after this, there’s almost no way they could keep going in this direction.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Thunder – March 15, 2000: Encouraging And Depressing

Thunder
Date: March 15, 2000
Location: Patriot Center, Fairfax, Virginia
Attendance: 5,891
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan

It’s the go home show for Uncensored and it can’t come soon enough. Things have picked up a bit but there’s only so much you can do with the material they’re being given. The main event scene is crowded with the double feud of Sting vs. Luger and Flair vs. Hogan, leaving Jarrett vs. Sid over the World Title at third on the card. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

La Parka/Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Silver King/El Dandy

La Parka’s dubbed voice confirms that he is in fact in the hizzouse tonight. Chavo takes Dandy down to start and backdrops him to the floor, meaning it’s off the partners. La Parka quickly takes over because he’s just more awesome than everyone else in the ring, meaning it’s time for the strut. A Dandy distraction lets King get in a clothesline but El’s backsplash hits his partner by mistake.

Back up and Dandy tries to hold La Parka for a dropkick but these two still don’t work that well together. La Parka hits a nice corkscrew dive onto Dandy on the floor, leaving Chavo to dropkick King to the floor. Things settle down a bit with La Parka moonsaulting onto Dandy for two more, only to have the heels finally start working together to take La Parka down.

A DDT gets two for King but he lets Chavo in, only to take him down just as easily as he took out La Parka. When did Silver King get good? A slingshot elbow gets two on Chavo and everything breaks down again. La Parka pulls Dandy out of the corner and onto his shoulders for a high cross body from Chavo, who follows with the tornado DDT to put El away.

Rating: C. I’ve seen worse, because amazingly enough, four guys who have experience and that whole talent thing are able to put on a better match than Prince Iaukea has ever been able to do. That’s why this division is so dead right now. Iaukea isn’t an interesting wrestler, but he’s champion because he has an over the top gimmick. What WCW doesn’t get is there has to be some substance under the flashiness and Iaukea just did not have that.

Post break and Don’t Try This At Home (from Brian Knobbs, who is the safest wrestler ever), Miss Hancock offers to manage Silver King/El Dandy with the chance of moving up to groin excitement if they meet certain contractual obligations.

Here’s Team Package for the final push promo for Sunday. Luger starts things off by saying Team Package is in the house. True, but are they in the hizzouse? Also points off for using your own voice. Luger rips on Sting for being a coward and not showing up tonight before it’s off to Flair to mention everyone whose arm has been broken recently. I could watch Flair put his foot in his mouth and have it get his buddies in trouble all day.

Hulkamania is dead of course but here’s Jimmy Hart to disagree. Jimmy accuses Ric of turning his back on Anderson and David to be Luger’s lackey (true, which still makes no sense) and reminds Flair that Hogan is the one on Larry King’s show and Entertainment Tonight because Hogan is the bigger star.

Luger yells at Jimmy and tells him to get out of here, but Hart suddenly has guts and hits Flair with Hogan’s weightlifting belt. This earns him a Torture Rack and a whipping but points for trying. Of course negative points for this being a feud about Hogan and Luger being big stars and everyone being in awe of them instead of putting over someone young, but Jimmy had some guts out there.

The cruiserweights are fighting over the title in the back when Charles Robinson comes in and says tonight it’s Psychosis vs. Kaz Hayashi. No mention of it being a title match or a #1 contenders match or anything but I guess that’s what we’re supposed to infer. Then again since this is WCW, it might be a loser gets a raise match.

Hogan checks on Hart and wants Luger and Flair out there tonight.

Kaz Hayashi vs. Psychosis

They don’t waste time around here. Apparently the winner of this gets a title shot on Sunday. Well that’s better than nothing. Psychosis takes over with some basics to start but Kaz takes his head off with a spinwheel kick. Psychosis’ head that is. Taking your own head off with a kick would be rather stupid. Psychosis gets sent to the floor for a flip dive which gets two back inside. A clothesline drops Kaz and he charges into an elbow in the corner to keep himself in trouble. Psychosis grabs a nice top rope hurricanrana, flips out of I think a backdrop and rolls Kaz up for a very quick pin.

They shake hands post match but Iaukea runs out and lays both guys out, including hitting the middle rope DDT on Psychosis. Some challenger.

Jeff Jarrett calls Gene slap nuts. That’s better than the dirty old man gimmick.

Team Package vs. Hogan in a handicap match later.

Bam Bam Bigelow has words we can’t hear with……Oklahoma? He’s still around?

Tank Abbott vs. Buzzkill

You get the idea by now. Buzzkill is out in 23 seconds.

Back from a break and Wall is beating up David Flair and Crowbar. He drags David to the concession area (save it for Tupelo people) and then and then to the balcony, but Bam Bam Bigelow runs up to stop Wall from the whole killing David thing. Bigelow and Wall fight into the lobby and Wall is sent through a table. Sounds like we need a (re?)match on Sunday.

Kidman wishes Booker luck against Jarrett and kisses Torrie.

Wall is taken away by cops. I knew that whole attempted murder thing would get him in trouble eventually.

US Title: Booker vs. Jeff Jarrett

Jarrett is defending but has to eject the girls before Booker comes out. Feeling out process to start with Booker going for some quick rollups. A big clothesline puts the champ down but he avoids another clothesline, sending Booker straight into the ropes and out to the floor. Jeff hits something like a Stunner over the barricade and he shouts something censored. See, tonight it’s censored tonight but Sunday is UNCENSORED!!!

Now stop me if you’ve heard this one before, though I doubt you ever have, but Jarrett puts on a sleeper for two arm drops but Booker fights up and hooks a sleeper of his own, only to be quickly counters. Jeff jumps into a Rock Bottom for two but the ax kick barely keeps him down. Cue the Harris Twins who quickly distract the referee, allowing Jarrett to sneak in a belt shot. Booker manages to kick out to give the fans some hope and hits a side kick, only to have the Twins come in. They’re fought off for a bit but an H Bomb plants Booker, setting up the Stroke to retain Jeff’s title.

Rating: C+. Good match, and of course they kept the title on Jarrett because it’s going to take dynamite to get that belt off him. Or a company reset, whichever comes first. Booker continues to be better than the rest of the roster by just wrestling matches instead of being lazy and goofy, which makes him a rare breed in WCW.

Sid saves Booker from the spray paint.

Dustin Rhodes says he’s going to cut Terry Funk up with the bullrope. As for Kidman tonight, he’s never heard the word the American Dream. Yes word, not words. So much for the Texas educational system.

Booker blames Kidman for the loss because Kidman didn’t have his back. True actually.

Vampiro vs. Hugh Morrus

Vampiro starts with the kicks and chops but makes the mistake of trying a headlock, allowing Hugh to suplex him down. Now it’s Morrus with the chops in the corner before biting Vampiro’s head. They head outside with Vampiro, who can forget about his main event spots I guess, being sent into a chair. An apron elbow crushes Vampiro again but Hugh takes too much time yelling at fans, allowing Vampiro to come back with a kick to knock Morrus back inside.

It’s time to go up top, but Vampiro dives into a powerbomb because we can’t let him look good for too long. No Laughing Matter connects but Morrus doesn’t cover. It’s table time but Vampiro gets off and throws Morrus off the top and through the table…..for two. It should be a DQ, but instead it’s two. Not that it matters as Vampiro plants Morrus with the Nail in the Coffin for the pin. Well that was anticlimactic.

Rating: C-. This was turning into a good brawl before they just let it end. I’m also not a fan of someone just not going for what should be an easy win for the sake of bringing in something to continue the match. There’s no logical reason for Morrus to bring in a table after he had Vampiro pinned, but it’s the only way to get to the ending they had planned. It’s illogical and takes away what they had going.

Kidman doesn’t like Booker’s tone.

This Week in WCW Motorsports.

Demon/Norman Smiley vs. Brian Knobbs/The Dog

This week Norman’s attire is in a KISS shirt. Demon and Dog fight inside while Knobbs chokes Norman on the barricade. There’s no word on if this is a hardcore match but I’ll go on a limb and say it is, because Heaven forbid we see Knobbs in a wrestling match. Dog gets clotheslined to the floor but comes back in with a spinebuster for a near fall.

Smiley comes in, screams at the Dog, and walks into the Pit Stop, followed by a slam from Dog. This of course leads to barking because HE’S A DOG. The brawling continues until Knobbs runs into Demon’s boot in the corner. Demon heads up top but here’s Lana for a distraction, because this match was just begging for more people. Knobbs superplexes Demon down and picks him back up for a middle rope powerslam from Dog (the Dog Pound) for the pin.

Rating: D. As has been the case with so many wrestlers, namely Demon and Dog, I’ll quote the age old classic Angels in the Outfield: “There’s a thing called talent. They don’t haven it.” That’s one of those things you just can’t get around. A good gimmick can cover a lot of flaws, but these guys have some of the worst gimmicks I’ve ever seen and very limited talent on top of that. How could they possibly work?

Long video on Uncensored.

Team Package loves the idea of having Hogan 2-1 tonight.

Kidman vs. Dustin Rhodes

Rhodes slugs him up against the ropes but Kidman comes back for two off a quick cross body. After a quick trip to the floor for a breather, Dustin comes back in and stomps Kidman down, only to eat a dropkick and Bodog out of the corner. For some reason Rhodes tries to go up but gets caught with ease. Kidman loads up a belly to back suplex but Dustin grabs the cowbell to knock him silly, setting up the bulldog for the pin.

Booker comes out to check on him but that’s Torrie’s job.

Total Package/Ric Flair vs. Hulk Hogan

All three get their own entrances. Hogan charges to the ring like the moron he often is and gets beaten down, only to come back with a double noggin knocker as we flash back to 1986. After the usual array of clotheslines, one of which sends Luger to the floor, Hogan whips Flair into the corner and outside as well as we’re still in the part where Hogan actually tries.

Hulk follows them outside for a whipping with the belt before it’s back inside for REALLY bad looking punches to Flair. Seriously Hulk, they’re PUNCHES. You’ve thrown thousands of them in your career. If there’s one thing you should be able to do, it’s throw a freaking punch. Luger gets knocked to the floor again (bad night for him so far) and Flair tries chops because he’s not that bright.

To follow up on this theory, he goes up top and I’ll let you fill in the blanks for yourself. Hogan uses the belt again (I would complain about the lack of disqualifications around here, but it’s such a trend in WCW that it’s not even worth bringing up again), Flair finally hits Hogan low to take over. Everyone heads outside for more chops (which actually work this time) and some chair shots to Hogan’s back.

There’s another low blow and some stomping, followed by Flair whipping Hogan with the belt. A double clothesline drops Hogan and that’s all it takes for him to Hulk Up. Well at least they didn’t wait long this time. Hogan cleans house and blocks a chair shot from Liz before whipping both guys with the belt. Flair runs off and Hogan pursues to a double countout.

Rating: D+. Well, they did keep it moving. The one thing you can always count on from Hogan is to keep things moving and that’s what he did here. Now of course you have to ignore the lack of the referee doing anything, the lame punches and the bad brawling, but at least they didn’t let things get boring.

Overall Rating: C-. This was WAY better than what they’ve been doing recently as it was downright watchable. The wrestling ranged from good to just average bad instead of awful and they plugged Uncensored (yes it looks horrible on paper but they did a good job of building it). That’s really the best you can expect from Thunder these days: some decent wrestling and storyline support. It’s very much like a weak version of a modern day Smackdown, which is both encouraging and depressing in a way.

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