Payback 2013
Date: June 16, 2013
Location: Allstate Arena, Chicago, Illinois
Attendance: 14,623
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jerry Lawler

First of all, Happy Birthday Mom. This show doesn’t look all that strong on paper. It’s been built up well enough, but the main story is HHH who isn’t even booked on the show. We have a main event of Ryback vs. Cena in a 3 Stages of Hell match for the world title but it’s only gotten a decent build while other stuff (such as the Shield) has gotten most of the air time. Let’s get to it.

Pre-Show: Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow

Before the match we see R-Truth, Big Show (now a face apparently) and Cody Rhodes as our expert panel. This match is a result of Sandow testing Sheamus’ mental strength in a series of challenges. Sheamus runs Damien over with a shoulder block to start but Sandow fires back with right hands in the corner. A powerslam stops Sandow’s offense and the top rope shoulder gets two for Sheamus. Damien rolls to the floor to avoid the ten forearms to the chest and is sent into the barricade for his efforts.

Sandow comes back with a knee to the head and Sheamus is actually in trouble. We hit a chinlock back inside before Sandow goes up top, only to be slammed down. Sandow hits the Russian legsweep and Wind-Up Elbow for two before….we take a break? Yes, we’re taking a break on the free pre-show. Back with Sandow pounding Sheamus down as the fans chant “You are welcome!”. Sheamus stands up to drop Sandow with an electric chair with Cole talking about George Hackenschmidt vs. Frank Gotch in Chicago.

Sheamus tries to come back in and gets caught with a knee lift and a neckbreaker for two. Sandow is sent to the apron for ten forearms followed by the Regal Roll for two. With Sandow down, Sheamus goes up top for what looks like a shoulder block, only to be crotched by Damien. A neckbreaker gets two for Sandow but the Terminus only gets two. Sandow charges into three straight Irish Curses and the Brogue Kick finishes him at 10:25.

Rating: C. This wasn’t bad but it’s the same problem that everyone predicted: Sheamus beats Sandow every time so why should this be any different? Sandow isn’t on Sheamus’ level and never has been, but now we’re supposed to believe Damien can get a win? I don’t think many people bought that leading up to the show, although the match wasn’t terrible.

The opening video is about Chicago being run by gangsters back in the 1930s but the gangsters eventually received payback. We look at the main events with the voiceover talking about how you know when payback is coming.

Intercontinental Title: Curtis Axel vs. The Miz vs. Wade Barrett

Barrett is defending and Axel is a last minute substitute for a concussed Fandango. Miz and Barrett traded the title in April and had been feuding with Fandango for a few weeks. Miz pounds away on both guys to start with Axel being thrown out to the floor. Barrett gets in a sneak attack and Miz heads to the floor. The heels brawl for a few seconds before all three guys are back inside. Barrett gets two off a big boot to Miz as Axel is staying on the floor with Heyman.

Wade pounds Miz down and pulls Curtis to the apron for some knees to the face. Barrett crotches himself on the top rope as he misses a big boot, allowing Axel to take over on Miz. Axel rakes his boot across Miz’s face before hitting a snap belly to back suplex for two. All three are back in now with Miz taking over on both guys and hitting the corner clothesline on Barrett in the corner. A kick to Axel’s face gets two for Miz but he charges into the Winds of Change to stop him cold.

Axel escapes Wasteland and gets two off a PerfectPlex. The fans are getting into this now. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Axel but only gets two as Barrett delays the cover. Axel is sent to the floor and Miz gets the Figure Four on Barrett, but Curtis slides back in and covers Barrett while he’s still in the hold for the pin and the title at 10:38.

Rating: C+. Axel winning is as good as he can do at this point and the ending was pretty creative. Barrett losing the title is the right idea as his two reigns have made him look worthless. Hopefully Axel can do a bit better as there’s no need to have the champion destroyed over and over again.

The announcers push the idea of Axel winning the title on Father’s Day as a tribute to his dad.

Mark Henry is back tomorrow night. Word on the street is that he’s retiring.

Axel and Heyman run into HHH in the back. HHH won’t let Axel pass but here’s Vince to congratulate the new champion. Axel leaves in fear of Vince so the boss can suggest Axel vs. HHH on Raw. HHH says he isn’t feeling it after begging Vince for the match last week.

Divas Title: Kaitlyn vs. AJ Lee

Kaitlyn and AJ were best friends for like two months last fall and we’re finally getting the match between them in June. AJ had Big E. Langston pretend to like Kaitlyn and then say it was a trick to make her feel worthless in a decent idea, but at the end of the day this is an eight month old story for the most worthless title in the company.

Kaitlyn takes it straight to the floor and throws AJ around before pounding on her in the ring. AJ takes it back to the floor and suckers Kaitlyn into a dropkick from the apron for two before putting on a cravate. Two straight neckbreakers get a near fall for AJ and it’s off to a sleeper. Kaitlyn fights out and dropkicks AJ down, only for AJ to pop back up and hook a crucifix for two. Kaitlyn sits up and lifts AJ into a fireman’s carry gutbuster for two of her own.

AJ plays possum and kicks Kaitlyn in the face for two. Lee goes up top but Kaitlyn catches her cross body in mid air. The champion spins her around but gets caught in the Black Widow, only to spin out of it into a backbreaker to AJ. The spear puts AJ down again but Kaitlyn takes forever to cover and only gets two. Kaitlyn misses a charge into the corner and gets caught in the Black Widow to give AJ the title at 9:57.

Rating: C. Not bad here but the ending was obvious given the buildup. AJ winning the title is the right move but this should have happened about eight months ago with Kaitlyn being the big challenger for the title instead of the other way around. It’s better than most Divas matches over the last few PPVs but it’s not going to change the division in any major way.

The fans tell Kaitlyn that she tapped out.

After the replays Layla, Nattie and Alicia console AJ in the back.

We go back to the expert panel from the pre-show for predictions and a chat about Axel winning the title.

Video on the Wyatt Family.

US Title: Dean Ambrose vs. Kane

Ambrose is defending because Kane beat him via DQ recently. Dean goes after Kane to start but the big man keeps punching him down. A quick suplex gets two on Ambrose and we’re already in a chinlock. There’s the low dropkick by Kane but Ambrose takes out Kane’s knee to block a second. Ambrose works on the knee before cranking on the neck. Kane fights out of a neckbreaker and goes up top but misses the top rope clothesline.

A jumping back elbow gets two for Dean and the champion hooks a dragon sleeper. Kane fights out of it and hooks the side slam for two. Dean ties him up in the ropes and slaps Kane in the face, earning himself a big boot to the jaw. Ambrose fights up and cranks on the arm before loading up Old School.

Kane breaks it up for his brother’s honor and hits the top rope clothesline, only to have Dean stun him across the ropes. Ambrose is kicked to the floor and they slug it out for a bit with Kane taking The big man puts him down and loads up the announce table, only to have Dean catch him in a DDT on the floor for the countout at 9:30.

Rating: C-. This was ok but the countout finish was stupid. It’s not like Kane is going to fall apart by being pinned by the US Champion on PPV. The DDT sounded great and Kane sold it well, but it should have been in the ring. At least Ambrose defended the title the first time out though, and maybe he can hold the thing more than a few months.

RVD is coming back at MITB. Nothing wrong with that but what was up with him being on TNA’s website after being released?

Smackdown World Title: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler

This is the long awaited rematch after Ziggler won the title in a MITB cash-in back in April. Dolph was injured by Swagger and has been out for about five weeks since. The fans are totally behind Ziggler here. Ziggler bails to the floor in the first fifteen seconds and is out again in less than another minute. Back in and Del Rio takes him into the corner as a BIG RVD chant goes up.

Del Rio goes after the injured head with kicks in the corner and a running kick gets two. Ziggler comes back with a dropkick but is backdropped to the floor, hitting his head again. Alberto rams him head first into the announce table and Langston shoves the challenger around. That’s good for an ejection and the distraction lets Ziggler ram Alberto face first into the announce table.

Back inside now but Dolph is shaken up. Del Rio hooks a chinlock as Ziggler is being treated like a face here. The cross armbreaker is countered into the sleeper from Ziggler but Del Rio sends him into the corner to escape. Ziggler is put into the ropes for the forearms to the back and the Backstabber for two. Del Rio is wrestling like a heel here. The armbreaker is countered into a neckbreaker for two for the champion. Cole is calling this like Dolph is a face. Ziggler gets back up and pounds away before mostly botching the Fameasser.

Dolph can barely stand up because of his head injuries but he climbs to the top anyway. Del Rio runs the ropes for the enziguri before hitting a reverse superplex for two. A baseball slide puts Ziggy on the floor and Del Rio kicks him square in the head from the apron. The doctor comes out to look at Ziggler but Dolph tries to get up. Del Rio hits a baseball slide to the back of Ziggler’s head and the champion is gone.

Ricardo is cheering Del Rio on as Alberto hits a running enziguri to a kneeling Ziggler for two. The fans are openly booing Del Rio and Cole is acknowledging it. Dolph pulls himself up on Del Rio’s trunks and hits a Zig Zag out of nowhere. Ziggler has nothing left though and gets kicked in the head again, giving Del Rio the pin and the title at 13:55.

Rating: B-. This was all about the story instead of the wrestling which made for an interesting match. It came off like the ultra-rare double turn as Ziggler was wrestling like an underdog while Del Rio was being vicious with the kicks and showing no mercy on Ziggler’s head injuries. That’s very interesting and probably the right idea for a guy like Dolph.

Del Rio celebrates to some VERY moderate applause but most people are either in shock or angry.

The expert panel talks about what we just saw.

The fans LOUDLY chant for Ziggler as Del Rio thanks the people in a slightly condescending way. He asks for cheers because he deserves to be champion.

We recap Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk. Jericho questioned Punk still being the best in the world when he hadn’t been around in nearly two months. Heyman disagreed and signed Punk up for the match in Punk’s return in his hometown.

The panel previews the match.

CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho comes out to CM PUNK chants but it’s not anti-Jericho. Punk gets a big reaction but it’s not thunderous. I’m thinking the fans don’t love his mutton chops. Cole lists off some famous wrestlers from Chicago including One Man Gang (not exactly a big deal) and the Crusher (from Milwaukee) but nothing about the LOD or Lex Luger. They trade control on the mat with Jericho being booed out of the building. Back up and Jericho grabs a headlock for very early control.

Punk counters into a headlock of his own and they chop it out. Jericho stomps Punk down into the corner and is booed for the first time in years. Punk is sent to the outside for a baseball slide but he counters the springboard dropkick with a guillotine. Back in and Punk hits a top rope ax handle and hooks a top wristlock. Off to a shortarm scissors as it seems like they’ve got a lot of time to work with here.

Back up and Punk is sent into the buckle to give Jericho a breather. Some shoulders put Punk down as does an ax handle but he avoids the Lionsault. A swinging neckbreaker gets two for CM and the fans are cheering for both guys. The corner bulldog is shoved away to give the Canadian two and there are the Walls of Jericho. Punk crawls through and hooks the Anaconda Vice but Jericho gets his feet onto the ropes.

Punk calls for the GTS but Jericho counters into the Walls which are countered into a GTS which is countered into a rollup for two. A Codebreaker gets two for Chris and it’s time for the main event strike off. Punk kicks away at Jericho’s head and hits a leg lariat to put Jericho down. The knee in the corner sets up the Macho Elbow but the GTS is only good for two. Another Codebreaker is broken up and Jericho is sent to the outside. Punk hits the suicide dive but Punk counters the springboard clothesline into the Codebreaker…..for two. The place is going NUTS on these kickouts now.

Jericho pins back the arms and drives in elbows to the face as the fans chant THIS IS AWESOME. Jericho hits a good 25 elbows and Punk is in big trouble. The Walls are countered into a small package for two more and they slug it out with Punk getting the better of it. A standing hurricanrana is countered into the Walls so Heyman begins to pray. Punk punches Jericho’s sore arm to make it a half crab before fighting up and hitting a pair of GTS’s for the pin at 21:27.

Rating: A-. This was the kind of match that Punk needed to have in his return. The fans weren’t completely hating Jericho but he was clearly the heel in the match, pretty much by default. Punk is going to be a huge face by fan response alone so turning him wouldn’t be a problem at all. This was the great match you would expect from these two on this stage.

Tag Titles: Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton/Daniel Bryan

Same story as before: the challengers beat Shield in a non-title match and earned a shot here. Bryan starts things off and moonsaults over Reigns, only to have his head taken off by a clothesline for two. Off to Rollins as Cole screws up the result of the Shield loss on Smackdown. Reigns throws Seth into Bryan for two before Roman comes in for a chinlock. An elbow to the face gets two for Reigns and it’s back to the chinlock.

Bryan fights back with a running clothesline and makes the hot tag off to Randy. Reigns takes the Elevated DDT and the fans are barely responding to this at all. Rollins gets one as well but he rolls to the floor before Orton can load up the RKO. Reigns punches Orton out to the floor. Orton gets to play Ricky Morton for awhile as the fans chant for RVD. Randy tries to fight out of the corner but gets caught in a Downward Spiral into the middle buckle to slow him down.

Reigns gets two off a kick to the head and it’s back to Rollins to stomp him down. Off to a reverse chinlock on Orton but Randy quickly fights up. Reigns’ charge goes into the post and Bryan finally gets the hot tag. A missile dropkick puts both Shield members down and Bryan fires off the kicks to Reigns’ chest. Bryan low bridges Roman to the floor before throwing Rollins on top of him.

The suicide dive only hits Orton though and the challengers are in trouble. Back in and Bryan hits a butterfly superplex for two on Rollins and there’s the NO Lock. Reigns makes the save but Bryan throws the hold on one more time, only to have Reigns break it up again. Orton shoves Bryan into the spear by mistake, allowing Rollins to hit a running knee to the back of Bryan’s head for the pin at 12:10.

Rating: C+. This wasn’t a great match but it did everything they needed to do. I’m guessing this sets up Bryan and Orton down the line (probably on Raw tomorrow night) but Bryan needs a world title push given how hot he is at the moment. Shield retaining the titles is fine but the match was only good compared to their usual great stuff.

We recap the main event. Ryback fought Cena to a no contest at Extreme Rules but Cena wouldn’t go into an ambulance. The result: a 3 Stages of Hell match with the first fall being a lumberjack match, the second being a tables match and the third being an ambulance match. Ryback went on a path of rage, powerbombing a lot of people through tables over the last few weeks.

Raw World Title: Ryback vs. John Cena

The first fall is a lumberjack match with pretty much any wrestler you would name at ringside. Ryback powers Cena into the corner to start and counters the bulldog into a belly to back slam for two. Cena comes back with a fisherman’s suplex and some elbow drops as Cole talks about the “historic” extreme lumberjack match in 2006. Who even remembered that thing back in like 2007? It was against Sabu at Vengeance 2006 if I remember correctly but dear goodness who thought of that match and thought Cole should bring it up?

The AA is countered into the over the shoulder Stunner for two for Ryback. Cena is thrown to the outside and pummeled by the lumberjacks (JTG still has a job. Who knew?) before Ryback gets to destroy him a bit more. The lumberjacks get another crack at Cena but he gets back in fast enough to send Ryback to the lumberjacks as well. Ryback gets back in unscathed so Cena can initiate his finishing sequence, only to be sent into the other lumberjacks this time. Back in and Ryback is sent to the floor again but not touched this time either.

We get the required lumberjack brawl but Cena DIVES onto all of them at the same time in a huge crash. Back in and Cena hooks the STF but Ryback powers out and gets the Shell Shock for the first fall at 7:32. We’re at the tables match now with the lumberjacks all gone. Ryback immediately tackles Cena down and has early control of the second fall. Here’s the first table of the night but Cena escapes the powerslam. A spinebuster puts Cena down and the fans chant Goldberg.

Cena escapes a gorilla press into the AA but Ryback reaches down and flips the table over while still on Cena’s shoulders. We head to the floor and Cena is whipped into the steps to give Ryback control again. Ryback sets up the table in the corner before knocking Cena down with the steps in the ring. Cena staggers up next to the table but the steps go through the table instead of the champion.

Cena puts Ryback down with a belly to belly suplex and some steps to the head to put Ryback down. Here’s another table in the ring but Cena is placed onto it instead, only to get back off of it when Ryback drops the steps through the table. Ryback launches the steps at Cena but they go out to the floor, allowing Cena to hit the shoulder blocks and the Shuffle. Ryback comes back with a spinebuster and the Meat Hook before getting another table. The Shell Shock is loaded up but Cena counters into a quick AA to tie it up at 16:10.

The third fall is an ambulance match, meaning the first person to be placed inside an ambulance to the doors shut loses. Ryback takes Cena down 25 seconds after the AA and loads up the announce table. More Goldberg chants abound as Cena is powerbombed through a table. The third fall officially begins with Ryback dragging Cena to the ambulance, only to be shoved into it by the champion.

Cena pulls a crutch from the ambulance but Ryback knocks it out of his hands. A punch misses Cena and goes through the glass but Ryback doesn’t seem to mind. Cena rams him back first into the ambulance doors but can’t follow up. They open the driver’s door so Cena can whip Ryack into it so hard that the door breaks off. An ambulance door to the face staggers Ryback but he throws Cena into the front of the ambulance.

The bumper is ripped off the front of the ambulance and Ryback wraps it around Cena’s back. Cena blocks a powerbomb into a backdrop onto the hood and starts climbing up to the top. An emergency light to Ryback’s shoulder knocks him back to the floor but Ryback is right back up. Cena stares down at him and they brawl on top of the ambulance until Cena hits an AA through the roof to retain at 24:38.

Rating: B-. This was good but by the end it was a spot fest. It was certainly entertaining but I don’t think anyone bought Ryback as a real threat to the belt. The fact that he hasn’t won a major PPV match since at least August might have something to do with it but I’m not quite sure. It’s good stuff but nothing I’ll remember three days from now.

Overall Rating: B+. While it isn’t as great as some people have said it was, this falls into the category of very pleasant surprise. Granted when the level of interest coming into this was somewhere between a root canal and butter, it’s not that hard to be better than expected. There’s nothing bad on the show though and a lot of interesting stuff happened. Good show here and hopefully the start of something new for WWE.

Results

Curtis Axel b. Wade Barrett and The Miz – Axel pinned Barrett while Barrett was in the Figure Four

AJ Lee b. Kaitlyn – Black Widow

Dean Ambrose b. Kane via countout

Alberto Del Rio b. Dolph Ziggler – Kick to the head

CM Punk b. Chris Jericho – GTS

Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins b. Randy Orton/Daniel Bryan – Knee to the back of Bryan’s head

John Cena b. Ryback – AA through the top of an ambulance

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and check out my new book on the History of Starrcade from Amazon for just $4 at:

This is one of the older reviews meaning it’s much lower in quality.  It’s the best I could do here though.

 

Bad Blood 2003
Date: June 15, 2003
Location: Compaq Center, Houston, Texas
Attendance: 10,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Only reason here is I was looking at my list of shows that I had left to go and I figured I might as well just knock this one off of it. So back in 2003 there were a lot of matches on the show to be had, but there simply wasn’t enough time to fit them all in. The solution became to just have Raw and Smackdown only PPVs.

These wound up completely sucking for the simple reason of there were too few matches to fill in an entire three hour show with feuds/matches from one show. Anyway, this is the very first one so the card is fairly packed. We have Nash vs. HHH in what’s considered the worse HIAC match ever and Jericho vs. Goldberg in a match that should have been in WCW but we couldn’t have a heel that mocked Goldberg get crushed by Goldberg but whatever. So anyway let’s get to it.

Austin is feuding with Bischoff and there’s a Redneck Triathlon or something like that tonight. The intro is just a highlight package of every major feud with red tint to it. Oh and it’s an Austin/Bischoff production. The theme song is Headstrong by Trapt so I’m happy on that front.

Dudley Boys vs. Rodney Mack/Christopher Nowitski

See how brilliant this idea was? Where else are you going to get to see jobbers vs. an over the hill tag team in a match no one cares about? Since the answer is Raw, don’t bother answering that. Nowitski tried to make this a racial thing earlier in the night if you can believe that. Teddy Long is the heel manager here.

Mack was supposed to be a big deal but was squashed by Goldberg so there we are. Nowitski accidentally slaps Bubba. Guess what happens. Oh and Chris has a mask on his face from having his nose broken. The Harvard gimmick would have been able to carry him for years had he not gotten hurt.

Rodney Mack was a guy that I never got the entire appeal of. He’s ok, but just ok. After What’s Up hits, Bubba says get the tables but D-Von doesn’t want to. I love that. Nowitski catches Bubba in the face with the mask for the pin.

Rating: D+. This is the epitome of a match that belongs on Raw and not on PPV. It’s 7 minutes long and it’s an angle that no one cares about. How in the world is this worth paying money to see? You could see the problems already. Naturally is ran nearly four years.

We see a clip from Raw where we see them picking the events for the Redneck Triathlon and it’s a pie eating contest, but the Rock’s kind of pie. Event two is a burping contest. Number three would be determined at the PPV if needed.

Redneck Triathlon Event #1: Burping Contest

Austin is doing jumping jacks to warm up. It’s three burps each and the winner is best overall. This is what is being used to fill PPV time people. Austin destroys him of course in the first one. People paid to watch this. Austin of course wins round one. Oh and this was the first 34.95 show I think. This lasts nearly five minutes and the crowd is just popping for it being Austin. This was freaking stupid.

Test vs. Scott Steiner

Winner gets Stacy as Steiner went from main eventing the Rumble to this inside of five months. That’s rather impressive. Stacy gets her own entrance and hates Test. Test uses the old heel tactic of throw the girl in front of Steiner to get the advantage. The crowd is dead again for this as this is match number two both on the show and on the list of matches that belong on Raw. This is where they should have used the In Your House formula.

By taking it down to two hours, not only does it make the matches more well rounded, but it also takes away the bad ones so it’s just the big ones, making the show seem a lot better. This is exactly what you would expect it to be: boring beyond belief with no real drama. Also I love how Stacy is being treated like property here.

The pumphandle slam gets two and ZERO heat. Stacy slaps Test who then kicks Steiner in the face. Man these two have fallen far. This is just mindless filler. Test grabs a chair and when Stacy tries to pull it away she goes down which leads nowhere. A downward spiral wins it for Steiner. Stacy does her exit twice so Scott can see it again.

Rating: D. Again this was just mindless filler to validate themselves being on TV. What was the point to this at all? I get that there’s an angle that ends here, but dang man, this was just freaking stupid. There was zero point to having this on PPV but there was nothing else to put in here. Like I said, you can see the point just falling away immediately.

Bischoff and Austin talk about the second round of the triathlon which is coming up next.  Scratch that as Austin has to pick the woman for whatever the contest is.  The women are all hot but Austin gets to pick the flavor and you can feel Moolah or Mae coming.

Intercontinental Title: Christian vs. Booker T

So back in late 2002, HHH wanted to be undisputed champion of Raw so the US and IC titles were retired for about six months. Austin brought the IC back and Stephanie brought the US back a month later. There was a battle royal at Judgment Day for the belt which Christian cheated to win so this is the rematch. Oh and Booker has a remix now. Oh great.

He’s the hometown boy here so I wouldn’t look for him to win much here. Christian has just cut his hair so he’s finally looking like he does now. Edge is out injured at this point after neck surgery so there we are since both of them are eternally linked. Booker starts out by dominating and then we get into the formula stuff. Oh and we hear a lot about Booker going to jail for armed robbery, which I’m pretty sure is true but I don’t feel like looking it up.

Christian hits a Rock Bottom of all things to get a two. The Scissors Kick and a missile dropkick hit but both get two. After a Spinerooni, Christian tries to leave. It’s more basic stuff which is what this show should be called. The referee says that if he doesn’t make it back by ten he loses the belt. One day that actually needs to happen just to shake things up. A CHEAP belt shot ends this. There’s a guy dressed like Tigger in the front row.

Rating: C-. Somehow this is the best match of the night so far. This also could have been on Raw but instead we get to pay to see it. Booker would get the title the next month on Raw, but he should have gotten it here where people were paying for it. This was another dumb idea as everything else on this show has been.

Nash is getting ready with Jerry Lawler’s music playing. Oh it’s the triathlon. Screw this getting its own title again. It’s pie eating with oral sex implied. Both guys get full entrances to waste even more time. And yeah it’s Moolah and Mae which was about as predictable as it could have possibly been. Oh it’s just Mae.

The reactions are great if nothing else. After kissing her, Bischoff gets kicked in the balls and Mae gives him a Bronco Buster in a thong and stockings. Austin STUNS MAE and forfeits to set up event number three. Beer drinking follows. That’s another 10 minutes plus that I’ll never get back.

Gail Kim and her Matrix themed video is coming.

Kane and Van Dam are ready but have been having problems lately. La Resistance beat up Van Dam but he didn’t make the save. Kane says nothing. The heels say a lot of insults about America. It’s more bland than it sounds.

Raw Tag Titles: La Resistance vs. Rob Van Dam/Kane

You can more or less see the ending from here. The heels are Sylvan Grenier and Rene Dupree in case you didn’t know. To my complete lack of shock and dismay, this is nothing that couldn’t be on Raw. I mean there is nothing to note here at all. This could be at any house show or Raw but on PPV? Really? The heels are both on the floor and Van Dam dives, naturally hitting all three of them. A double flapjack ends this. It couldn’t have come faster.

Rating: D+. Again, WHY IS THIS ON PPV? That’s the problem with the whole first hour here. I could see an argument for the two title matches, but seriously, none of this has been PPV quality. The matches are ok, but that’s the problem: they’re just ok. Nothing at all here is making me want to watch this show at all and it’s never something I’m going to watch again. I just want to get to the end of this show and forget about it.

We recap Goldberg vs. Jericho who sent Storm to run him over, resulting in a match between Storm and Goldie, which was of course a squash and then he gave up Jericho as the mastermind. No one on the planet thought Jericho had a chance and he didn’t.

Goldberg vs. Chris Jericho

Goldberg is wearing white and black. Words cannot describe how stupid it looks. Jericho had wanted this match in WCW but they decided that it wasn’t a good idea so he just bailed when he could, citing this as one of the major factors. Jericho of course runs like a scared man which I can’t blame him for.

Eventually though, Jericho dodges a spear and Goldberg goes through the security wall. What a coincidence there were no seats in front of it either. Goldberg is bleeding a bit and has a bad shoulder now, so if nothing else they’re trying to give us a reason to think Jericho can win so points for that.

That goes on for a GOOD while which makes sense. Jericho runs the match for the most part which is definitely the best idea here. They botch a moonsault but Goldberg does the smart thing and keeps moving so that it doesn’t look like they botched anything and hits what we would call an FU. There’s a loud Goldberg Sucks chant and the referee goes down.

Dang the fans are behind Jericho here. At least they recognize good wrestling. He gets the Walls of Jericho but leg power gets him out of it. Spear number 2 works a lot better even though it’s a left armed one. After failing to get it once, a jackhammer works the second time for the easy pin.

Rating: C+. Again, this could have been a Raw main event but I can go with this being on PPV. However, another five minutes would have made this WAY better. Jericho was in a rut around this time and he didn’t get out of it until the winter when he turned face to feud with Christian. This was ok but nothing great. Goldberg just didn’t work in the WWE and it showed badly.

We get to see the pick for the last round of the Redneck Triathlon and it’s going to be a sing-off, which is between tobacco spitting and lawn gnome stealing. You can’t make this stuff up. Austin realizes he’s in trouble.

We recap Shawn vs. Flair. Holy crap an actual wrestling match! Flair looks like a cross between Dolph Ziggler and a nightmare. Flair had been asked by HHH to lay down on Raw but Flair couldn’t do it, which Shawn respects. This begins a suck up fest between the two, but Shawn has to know if he can beat him. And then Flair turned heel for the thousandth time in his career by punching Shawn. Shawn says it’s personal now, and you know that means jack but they say it anyway.

Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels

Apparently Shawn dominated the 90s and was a bigger star than Flair ever was. Somehow being in the main event for less than two years and tanking buyrates means you dominate. We start out with more or less a chess match with everyone trying to top the other, and of course when I say everyone I mean two people.

In a spot that I really like, Flair goes to the mat for Shawn to jump over him and Shawn stops on a dime and grabs a headlock on the mat. I like that. Flair at least uses psychology by working the knee and we’re in the figure four five minutes into the show. That was quick if nothing else. Flair is dominating for the most part here but we know that the Shawn comeback is coming. It’s the Flair Formula to the letter.

And Shawn hits an enziguri to counter (it means Head Kick of all things). Flair of course gets slammed off the top as Shawn actually sells the knee. Flair counters the kick into a figure four but that’s countered into a small package. Shawn throws on the figure four. Well they’re moving out there so I’ll give them that.

Flair goes up and actually gets the move off (a chop) but Shawn punches him on the way down. For ZERO apparent reason, Shawn sets up a table. The announcers are surprised too. Randy Orton comes down to try to save Flair but gets nailed. Shawn splashes Flair through the table which is called a cross body though it, although to be fair it looked like one more than a splash.

The referee goes down to a low blow, even though the table should have been a DQ. Sweet Chin Music hits but Orton pops up for a chair shot to give Flair the pin.

Rating: B. This was pretty good but the table spot made me scratch my head. This is a hard combination to screw up and they more or less got it right. The ending was fine since both were in Evolution and would have a reason to help each other out. It’s not a great match but it’s by FAR the best match tonight. Flair was getting old very fast though.

Ad for Freddie Blassie’s book.

Bischoff comes out and lip syncs his own song and Austin interrupts him. They actually get into a you were lip syncing vs. was not argument. Bischoff can’t sing at all. Austin proposes another spin and rigs the wheel to land on pig pen fun. Yes, we have a hog pen match. Somehow, this takes seven minutes. If you don’t get what happened, you’re an idiot.

Ad for the Divas softcore video.

The Cell is lowered. I forgot to mention that Foley is referee to try to make this interesting and it continued to fail.

The feud was just that they didn’t like each other and Austin just declared it Hell in a Cell. Oh Foley is referee because everyone else said they wouldn’t do it.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Kevin Nash

Yes, this is the main event of a PPV in 2003. The belt it in the ring for no reason other than HHH likes to hold it close I guess. What do you expect here? It’s a Hell in a Cell match. They beat on each other with slow offense and use a lot of weapons. All three bleed and they do this for about twenty minutes. They manage to make a Cell match boring. Seriously Nash, that’s HARD to do.

Oh and HHH uses a screwdriver and a wooden crate. Why was a wooden crate under the ring? Who cares? We get the Mandible Claw if nothing else and Ross says this match is cruel and unusual punishment. You know all the spots that these two are going to do and the ones that Foley will do so figure out what order they go in that makes the match suck the most and you have this match. HHH of course survives the powerbomb and hits the Pedigree a few seconds later for the academic pin. Evolution beats up Foley to end the show.

Rating: D+. Seriously, THEY MADE THE CELL BORING. Do you realize how hard that is to do? This was the time that’s considered HHH’s Reign of Terror on Raw and this match is a great example of it. Really, they messed up the Cell. How do you do that? There was no point to this whole thing other than to make HHH look good and for one of his buddies to get to fight him. This was just awful.

Overall Rating: F. This isn’t a PPV. It’s a Raw with a triple main event. Seriously this show was crap. For one thing it went off at 10:35 which is ten minutes earlier than “3 hour PPVs” normally run. There is a decent Flair vs. Shawn match that could have been good but with 15 minutes what do you expect?

Also, thirty minutes of this was for one running joke which was never funny. You would think that after this disaster Vince would have pulled the plug on it, but no. For FOUR YEARS these things ran and they sucked more each and every time. This is a failure if there ever has been one.

One Night Stand 2005
Date: June 12, 2005
Location: Hammerstein Ballroom, New York City, New York
Attendance: 2,500
Commentators: Joey Styles, Mick Foley

Well you knew I would get to this someday. This is pretty much my most requested show and since it’s my birthday I wanted to do a show that I really like. This was built up as exactly what the title is: a One Night Stand, as in one night only ECW is back. This was an absolute dream come true for ECW fans as WWE owned the names and trademarks and a lot of the contracts and therefore could put on a high quality show. This should be fun. Let’s do it.

To set this up, there is a Raw and Smackdown invasion going on, although no one really cared. Also you have none of the matches advertised that I can remember, which drives home one point: the wrestling here doesn’t matter at all and it’s about these guys having one last run. That’s perfectly fine and to me it made the show a lot better.

To translate: the grades for the match do not reflect the show as a whole. The matches are likely going to be graded low, but it means nothing at all so put zero to no stock into what I’m saying about the technical stuff.

We’re in the Ballroom and the fans are out in freaking force. They pop like crazy for the theme song and this is going to be awesome. Joey Styles is introduced and he looks pumped. I’ve always freaking loved this song too. He’s legitimately having trouble keeping it together.

This is much more interesting to watch after Hardcore Homecoming as you really get to see both sides of the coin. He drops an OMG and introduces Foley as his commentary partner who comes out to the WWF Cactus Jack music. See them thinking there? That’s nice.

Play that freaking video monkeys!

Lance Storm vs. Chris Jericho

It’s Lionheart here too and we get a dramatic pause joke from Joey. It’s great to hear Joey talk about the old days, which to be fair and honest were more or less crap but for the sake of this it’s fine. Jericho is freaking small here as he looks like he did in WCW which I mean in a good way. It amazes me that these two have been so intertwined throughout the years. Foley throws in that he was the guy that saw Jericho in Japan and got Heyman to bring him to America and ECW in particular.

We hear about SMW to really make this great. Apparently Joey and ECW don’t like that the New York Athletic Commission made them use mats. This is something that on paper sounds great and on a rare occasion like this one it works like a charm. With these guys here’s what you do: “Chris, Lance, you have 7 minutes, here’s your ending.” That’s all they need. Joey calls Foley Mickles. Ok then.

We get a big old Chris Candido chant who would have passed away only about a month and a half before this show. To say the crowd is hot is like saying Steve Austin might have had alcohol before. We have an F JOHN CENA chant. Foley: How does the Calgary Crab differ from its Boston cousin?

Joey: It doesn’t it’s just a gimmick. Jason and Justin Credible are here and with Dawn Marie running interference, Justin canes the HECK out of Jericho to allow Storm to get the easy pin. Joey complaining about itching from Jason is funny. Lance more or less retired after this.

Rating: B. This was rather fun indeed. These two have good matches just about every time they’re allowed to get in the ring and this was no exception. This is a pairing that it’s hard to get wrong and it worked out just about perfectly. Solid match and a solid ending to Storm’s final match in the mainstream.

Pitbull Gary Wolfe intros a tribute to wrestlers that have passed away. We have Rocco Rock, part of a tag team I never got the appeal of but dang they were popular, Terry Gordy, Mike Lockwood (Crash Holly), Original Sheik (the first brawler that got really famous arguably), Mike Lozansky (old school ECW guy), Anthony Durante (Pitbull #1), Big Dick Dudley and Chris Candido. It’s scary that other than Sheik, I don’t think any of these guys were 40. That’s freaking scary when you think about it.

Let the Candido chants begin. This one I can have a lot of sympathy for as he died due to complications from an injury and not anything he caused to himself.

Tajiri vs. Super Crazy vs. Little Guido

This is under elimination rules. The whole FBI comes out here, as in 5-6 guys with maybe 2 Italians in there. The innuendo joke gets old fast. These were matches that happened a lot back in the day and they were always International Three Way Dances, as in one guy is from each country. Crazy was a guy that I never was sure if I liked him or not. Foley throws out a little known fact that he and Smothers won tag titles in Japan.

This was ECW’s answer to the luchadores that were stolen by WCW. Joey is in his element here with a bunch of move names as Foley says he can’t keep up with Joey so he’s mostly on his own here. SICK dropkick to a seated Guido from Crazy. These guys are moving like insanity out there (can’t say Crazy is moving like crazy out there).

They hit the crowd and Crazy goes to the balcony and hits an AMAZING moonsault into the crowd before going back into the ring and taking the Tarantula. That moonsault really was amazing and Joey chanting DIOS MIO was hilarious. We haven’t had an American wrestler in a match yet.

There’s the FBI in there and since they have the combined IQ of yogurt, Mikey Whipwreck, Tajiri’s tag partner, comes in and hits the Whippersnapper (second rope Stunner which yes he used before Austin) so Tajiri gets the easy pin to get us down to the Japanese Buzzsaw vs. the Crazy Mexican wrestler. After some more Mikey shenanigans, a top rope moonsault ends this for Crazy.

Rating: C+. Other than the dive this was a total mess. It wasn’t terrible at all but compared to the stuff WCW would pull out, this really wasn’t that great. The dive was indeed awesome though and definitely makes the match.

We hit the highlight reel of ECW which has Shane making ECW more or less, the Night the Line Was Crossed, UltraClash III (Paul’s first show as booker), Sandman, Sabu, Dreamer getting caned, the chair throwing incident which was cool, Funk being lit on fire and Foley breaking kayfabe over it, the belt being thrown down, Sandman isn’t blind, the ring collapsing with Public Enemy and that’s it apparently.

The WWE invaders aren’t here yet.

The theme song is Bodies for no apparent reason. The sponsor is called DESTROY ALL HUMANS! That sounds like something that some demon screams.

Psicosis vs. Rey Mysterio

Still no traditional American wrestlers (yes I know Rey is from California but you get the idea). Psicosis doesn’t wear his mask after losing it in WCW, which is about as stupid of an idea as possible (Why let him keep the mask? I mean it’s not like he’s ridiculously popular and a ton of kids are going to buy them or anything so we’re in essence throwing away a gold mine or anything like that) but I digress.

Rey was still the high flier at this point and not a world champion or main event guy yet. The fans chant put the mask on which is amusing. The fans boo a sleeper hold from Psicosis. One thing you have to give to the ECW fans: they were never a dead crowd. Ah now that’s more like it: top rope legdrop onto Rey who is on the railing.

Note to self: watch Bash at the Beach where these two lit the company on fire with an epic opening match that stole the whole show. It just happened to have the most shocking heel turn in history and no one else ever mentioned anything else on the show. Naturally they were never pushed but that’s WCW for you. All right NOW we’re getting somewhere as they just dive all over the place. The 619 gets booed out of the building but the West Coast Pop ends it just afterwards.

Rating: B-. This was a slow start but once they got going it worked much better. This was all over the place and it worked about as well as you could ask for it to. The problem with the wrestling here is starting to show: 7 minutes per match simply isn’t enough to really get anything going, but again that’s not the point here.

The Crusaders/Invaders are here. There are too many to list but the main ones are Edge, Christian, Angle and JBL. Oh and Bischoff is with them too. Other than that it’s mainly jobbers. The heat on these guys is INSANE.

Roadkill and Doring talk about nothing and the Smackdown Crusaders interrupt them….somehow.

More highlights from ECW focusing on general carnage. The Monday Nyquil promo will never get old, period. This is more from the glory days and it’s FAR better than the PPV era. You really get the bad times of the company on PPV and that’s a shame really. I mark out still for the whole Dreamer/Raven insanity. There’s Taz vs. Shane which I would argue killed the company as much as any given angle for reasons I go into in far more detail in the regular PPV reviews.

Joel Gertner is in the Crusaders’ area. He gets a freaking ROAR. And JBL literally kicks him out. Angle runs down the ECW fans who chant you suck, so he says their mom taught him how to. The ending is clear here, but it’s going to be sweet. JBL trying to act like a big shot really is funny. However his rant against internet fans is pretty funny.

RVD’s music cuts off JBL’s rant though just as he says no one will ever be that big. He wouldn’t win the world title for a year though. I would have preferred Walk but One of a Kind suits him a little better and is still a great song. This was in the middle of the longest knee injury in recorded history as Van Dam was out for over a year because of it. RVD gets on the mic and more or less shoots for a bit on JBL and wrestling in general about how JBL sucks. Oh he says he’s shooting. Ok then.

Van Dam talks about how he was the biggest thing around at the end of ECW which is absolutely right. Of course Heyman wouldn’t put the belt on him ever when he could have carried ECW another 3-4 months at the least with Van Dam on top. He and Fonzie run through their whole deal and mention the idiotic two year TV Title run he had. Yeah it was stupid. If he’s the biggest guy in the company, why not make him WORLD CHAMPION?

He says he pitched the idea for this show to Vince, saying they didn’t even need a storyline. Van Dam can’t work tonight because of his knee injury and says missing tonight is worse than missing Wrestlemania. I’d buy that actually. Rhyno runs out and beats up Van Dam, bringing on a Sabu chant. And there go the lights. They come back up and that leads us to the following.

Sabu vs. Rhyno

Yep it’s chair time early and Rhyno gets popped like no other with it. I usually hate these things, but even I’m not stupid enough to think they meant nothing at all. Sabu is dominating this for the most part and it’s not as bad as I expected it to be actually. There’s not much to say about this.

The referee takes a gore and here’s Van Dam again. He gets the Chair Surf which is a move I’ve always liked. Yep it’s table time as it’s a Sabu match so there we are. Something that was supposed to be an Arabian SkullCrusher doesn’t work as I think the chair gets away from Sabu but it could have been worse I guess.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t much. Like I said though it could have been far worse though as they had Sabu keep the weapons toned down here so that’s all fine and good. Far from great but these three had to be on the show somewhere.

Snow argues with Head. That might have been the most brilliant gimmick of all time. He sets up some more ECW clips which was more about insane moments which deserve clips of their own.

The Raw Crusaders are here now. Earlier it was just the Smackdown guys so Edge, Christian and Bischoff are just getting here. Oh the ending is going to be sweet.

Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero

This is much more depressing to say the least upon my second viewing of this show. This is most odd but think about it: first match, both Canadians. Second match, all international guys. Third match, both luchadores. Last match, an “Arab” (Yes I know he’s from Michigan) and Rhyno. Now a Canadian vs. a guy more known as a Latino wrestler. That’s most uncommon. Joey says that these two and Foley are the three most successful guys to ever come out of ECW.

Remember that as I’ll reference it later. Let the sucking up by Joey begin. Someone has herpes apparently. The fans are more or less split here. Eddie is bleeding from the nose so make your own drug jokes. The fans start a MASSIVE FU Bischoff chant. You have to remember: Heyman blamed Bischoff for about 90% of ECW’s problems back in the day so he really is hated.

He’s also the guy that said ECW more or less was worthless and stole most of their talent. Do I need to explain what’s going on here? Of course this is solid. Eddie gets put in the Crossface and after a LONG time in it he taps.

Rating: B-. Again, how do you mess this one up? This needed more time to be anything great but this was good as you would expect. It’s a solid match although at the end Eddie just laid there rather than fight the hold which made me shake my head a lot. Give these two 25 minutes and it’s likely an A. The time killed it though.

Ad for Vengeance which had HHH vs. Batista in HIAC. There’s so much wrong with that airing on an ECW show I can’t believe it.

Gertner asks Bischoff for a job which is much funnier than it sounds. Maven is a crusader. Just take me now.

Mike Awesome vs. Masato Tanaka

Awesome is a guy that is HATED by Styles and ECW for jumping ship and trying to throw the belt in the trash on Nitro. Because you know, no one in ECW ever disrespected a belt or anything like that. Joey says that it’s a shame Awesome didn’t take his own life on a suicide dive. That’s true Joey. He took his own life by hanging himself. As for the match, it’s about as intense and stiff as you could ask for.

This was an epic rivalry that went around the world and had them trade the ECW Title. That’s the issue here: Awesome is a traitor to ECW but this match is stealing the show. Let the LOUD chair shots begin. I never liked Tanaka’s no selling of chair shots. Ok we get it: chair shots hurt a lot. Table time and JBL makes fun of it for which I can’t blame him. The jokes about Awesome being wasted in WCW are ridiculously true.

The guy was freaking amazing so we make him the Fat Chick Thrillah and That 70s Guy. And you wonder why they went out of business. The crowd is WAY into this one. Oh look: tables. How original! We get a THIS MATCH RULES chant. And there goes Tanaka over the top rope through a table with a powerbomb. Add in an over the top rope dive onto the concrete and it’s over. Intense as all goodness.

Rating: B+. Yep, the show has been stolen. These two had some WARS back in the day and this one was no exception at all. Very intense fight rather than a match but whatever. Incredibly fun to say the least.

Joey thanks the fans for buying the Rise and Fall of ECW. If you’ve never seen that, go watch it. It’s 3 hours long but that will FLY by. Easily the best documentary in WWE history to me.

The ECW theme plays and IT’S PAUL HEYMAN. This more or less is the main event of the show as Heyman has been quiet for over four years about ECW and its death. He gets on his knees and bows to the fans which is a nice touch. He’s breaking up already. Massive Thank You Paul chant. He has the headset and trenchcoat too. Apparently he’s not crying but rather was just smoking a joint with Van Dam.

He thanks some people and the fans. He was going to take the high road and leave, but SCREW THAT. He goes insane and just rants on everything in his head mainly talking about the Crusaders. This was around the time when Edge legitimately stole Lita from Matt Hardy so that’s a hot button issue.

To JBL: the only reason you were WWE Champion for a year was because HHH didn’t want to work Tuesdays. And that my friends is what you call EPIC FREAKING WIN. We get the classic THIS IS EC FREAKING W line to end it. That was worth about 10 dollars of the total cost alone.

Ad for The Devil’s Rejects. No clue what that was for.

Dudley Boys vs. Tommy Dreamer/Sandman

Ok, so this is more or less by far and away the most famous and popular part of this show as the match won’t start for about 15 minutes or so. This was the first time the Dudleys had been seen in months on end and they would be gone and in TNA rather soon. Foley sums up a lot very easily: There are guys like me that absolutely love ECW and everything it stood for but at the end of the day consider themselves WWE guys.

Then you have guys like the Dudley Boys that work for WWE but in their hearts are always going to be ECW guys. That sums up this whole show better than anything else could I think. Dreamer gets a pop and a half. You can tell Dreamer is WAY impressed and really in awe of this. The music hits and so begins the most famous entrance in modern wrestling history at least.

Enter Sandman (original, not that Motorhead nonsense) hits and he’s in the crowd. The fans sing the song for his entrance in what is an awesome moment. He’s on his second beer and he’s still on the top floor. Hey he’s at the railing! His entrance is at 3 minutes now. Bubba gets beer spit at him. Tommy and Sandman have beers with CW Anderson and Chris Chetti in the front row before pouring one on two girls’ chest and licking it off, one of which is Elektra.

D-Von dancing to Metallica is funny stuff and the cane gets jacked off. Five and a half minutes now. Hand pounds all around…and there’s the BWO. The reaction from Foley is hilarious. Think Ray from Ghostbusters when he says “It’s the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man”. Just cracks me up every time. Match hasn’t started yet. Stevie looks good here actually. Joey sums up the BWO perfectly: “If any gimmick never deserved to make a dime and made a whole boatload of cash, this is it.

And the best is they couldn’t sue us because it was a parody.” For those of you that have no idea what I’m talking about, the BWO is the Blue World Order: Big Stevie Cool, Da Blue Guy and Hollywood Nova (Simon Dean). They were a parody of the NWO which wound up being ridiculously popular so they ran with it.

Stevie says they’re taking over and kicks Sandman in the face. Let the brawling begin. Kid Kash is here, having just been fired from TNA, marking I believe the first and only time it was mentioned on WWE programming. He does nothing and here are Balls Mahoney and Axl Rotten: the Hardcore Chair Swingin Freaks.

They beat up the BWO so the interfering people are fighting the other interfering people. Nova gets chaired to death, giving us this great line: Joey: that’s more painful than having to be Simon Dean on national TV. Everyone brawls in the aisle and Kash has the referee get on all fours for a HUGE front flip onto all of them. Bubba busts out the trashcans. Remember the match hasn’t started yet. Oh hey there it is, 14 minutes after the Dudleys’ song started. Dreamer has a cheese grated.

The fans chant for Cactus Jack which Foley kind of laughs off. Cheese grater across Dreamer’s head is SICK! Oh he’s busted bad so Bubba rubs it on his face. Joey: Tommy’s skin looks like cabbage in a coleslaw. In case you can’t tell, I freaking love this. Foley calls the grater comical. Sometimes I’d pay to be inside that man’s head. Sandman brings in the ladder. We get probably my all time favorite comedy line in wrestling.

Joey says he was going to compare Dreamer wrestling tonight to Gehrig’s last at bat at Yankee Stadium but Gehrig didn’t whip out a cheese grater and start mutilating people with it. And that my friends is why I love wrestling. It’s so insane that to us it makes sense, but when you compare it to something else, it sounds ridiculous. However, in wrestling, there are three words that make things magical: It Could Happen.

That is why I love wrestling: you never know what you could see. Naturally this is just a wild brawl all over the place. Bubba hits a frog splash on Sandy which has to be better than some forms of execution. D-Von takes the White Russian legsweep and we get a double figure four on the Dudleys but the Impact Players run in. Sandman gets a That’s Incredible on barbed wire and here’s Francine.

Beaulah makes her return for the CATFIGHT CATFIGHT CATFIGHT!!! Dreamer saves her and they have their big reunion with Dreamer’s face covered in blood. The Dudleys get DDTed by the two of them, making me smile. WHERE ELSE BUT IN WRESTLING COULD YOU GET THIS? Beaulah gets two on Bubba and she’s hardcore according to the fans. Joey is told in his headset that he can’t say balls, which he makes fun of of course.

Sandman goes through a table for two. 3D on Dreamer, and it’s the old style, not the crap one now. We have another table and here’s Spike who is seeing COLORS! Yep, the table is on fire and there goes Tommy. In a spot that makes me cringe, Tommy’s head is tilted towards the mat and blood just pools up from his head. That’s a great visual. Bubba actually dives on him for the pin.

Rating: N/A. Can’t give this a fair grade as it wasn’t a match by any definition of the word. Make no mistake about it though: this is the highlight of the show and as much fun as I can remember having watching wrestling perhaps ever.

Post match (oh like you didn’t expect something else to happen) the Dudleys go after Beaulah and get the tar cained out of them. In a spot that always makes me chuckle, Spike comes back again and Sandman turns around and just canes him again before going back to what he was doing. He looked like he was paying a parking meter or something. Sandman looks at Tommy and says someone….someone…SOMEONE GET ME A BEER! Joey: screw the beer, get him some plasma! “Somebody get me a beer!”

CUE GLASS SHATTER!

Yep, Austin (in a freaking XFL jersey of all things) is here. He calls out the whole locker room and says he wants to see a fight. Yep he calls down the crusaders and you know what’s coming. The heat is awesome here. The sight of everyone on their own side of the ring looks great. The crowd chants WE WANT TAZ and guess who shows up. Yep it’s old school Taz, as in the machine Taz. Bischoff is on commentary.

The fight is on and Taz and Angle hit the floor. After a bit of a scuffle, Taz chokes him out. Now the interesting thing is this: in the back of the ring you can see JBL going CRAZY on someone. It would turn out to be Blue Meanie and JBL was legitimately beating him until Tracy Smothers and a few others picked up on it and helped him. This started a legit feud between them with Smothers calling JBL out for a real fight anytime anywhere.

Anyway, other than that of course the ECW guys clean house and run the WWE guys off. After they leave, Austin gets on the mic (wearing JBL’s hat) and says to Mick Foley to bring Bischoff to the ring. The fans kind of collectively gasp as they know what’s coming. This was a wet dream for them to say the least. The funny part is that he can’t go into the crowd because he’ll get hurt worse out there.

Bischoff takes a 3D, the flying headbutt from Benoit (complete with Austin telling him to kill this SOB), a 619 (booed loudly) and a Stunner as the fans are in awe. The Dudleys literally throw Eric out of the building and the party is on. Joey screams ECW LIVES to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. This show just isn’t that good. I mean the wrestling is weak, the stories are non-existent and there is no way I can keep doing this with a straight face. It’s really nothign short of an A+. And if there was a higher grade it would get it. This is one of my favorite shows ever, possibly even number 3 after Summerslam 90 and Mania 17. They wanted one blowout show to end it and they hit it so far out of the park you can’t see where it landed.

This is about as perfect of a show as you’ll ever find and it is amazing. Everything clicked, the crowd is in the levels of Canadian Stampede and nothing was left out other than stuff for ridiculously hardcore fans. The key to it all: they let ECW be ECW, not the WWE version that would come NXT year.

Even if you weren’t an ECW fan like I wasn’t, this is a must see show. It feels like the old stuff and works like a charm. The ending couldn’t be any sweeter and it made everything perfect. Absolutely see this show, no questions asked.

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of Starrcade from Amazon for just $4 at:

No Way Out 2005
Date: February 20, 2005
Location: Mellon Arena, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Attendance: 9,500
Commentators: Michael Cole, Taz

Not much to say here. It’s a Smackdown show and we’re in the very last stages of JBL’s title reign as he would lose to Cena at Mania. Other than that we have Cena vs. Angle which is probably for the Mania title shot. I really with they could come up with something more interesting than that, which I guess they have with the Chamber matches. There’s nothing else to talk about in the intro so let’s get to it.

Oh I almost forgot: the main event is a barbed wire steel cage match for the title with JBL vs. Big Show.

The video is about being trapped in the cage and there being no way out. Glad to see them be inventive with these things.

We look at the cage during Cole’s intro and there are certainly no barbs on it. It’s a regular cage with the barbed wire along the top where you climb over. There are no visible barbs there either.

Smackdown Tag Titles: Rey Mysterio/Eddie Guerrero vs. Basham Brothers

The brothers have the belts here. This is the beginning of Eddie’s last major feud with Rey which ended at Summerslam. He would feud with Batista a bit before dying. The Bashams are JBL’s secretaries of defense. Eddie vs. Danny to start us off. Tazz calls Rey a jaguar. That was rather odd. The challengers beat up on the Bashams for a bit as you know that other than a screwy finish there was no way the titles weren’t changing here.

Eddie gets in some trouble and can’t bring in Rey. The Bashams work him over as we talk about the main event some. Ah there’s Rey as things naturally start going faster. Rey gets his bulldog and Cole thinks it’s a DDT. Seriously does he even pay attention? Some twin magic has Rey in trouble again which Cole says is fine due to it being a family tradition.

Rey’s bumping has always been straight up awesome and this is no exception. He makes even basic moves look like he’s being destroyed. Mysterio hits a BIG moonsault to take Doug down for two but he still can’t tag. Crowd isn’t really that into it as I guess they know the formula at this point.

We get a weird bit about Eddie and tag ropes which is supposed to be funny I guess and I do not get it at all. Big double team move that sends Rey down face first and then it turns into a comedy/acrobatic segment with Rey diving all over the place and finally getting a tag. The Bashams beat down Eddie a bit and hit what is more or less a double chokeslam for no cover.

Rey gets back in and it’s a big brawl. Eddie goes to the floor and grabs a title belt but Rey stops him as does the referee. Was there a point to that? He goes for the Frog Splash but rolls through. Doug thinks he crashed (in the words of Marvin the Martian, “where’s the kaboom?” Isn’t that kind of a problem?) and gets rolled up for two. A belt shot from Eddie in all the confusion gives them the belts. Odd ending sequence there.

Rating: C. Not bad but absolutely nothing we haven’t seen a dozen times a year. Rey and Eddie would open Mania in a one on one match which was pretty good. This wasn’t much of a tag match but at least the right team won and at least they had some history so it wasn’t a totally random pairing. Nothing special at all though but the fifteen minutes it got went by fast.

Teddy talks to a producer and says that when Batista gets here (he was debating which brand to come to for his Royal Rumble win title match) to give him whatever he wants. Carlito and the wife of a member of the board comes in and says they hope he signs Batista. It’s a way for Carlito to get Teddy fired which was his big thing. If Teddy doesn’t sign Batista he’s fired apparently.

There is a Smackdown Diva Rookie of the Year contest tonight. Apparently there are enough rookie Divas on Smackdown to warrant a contest and we’re determining it in late February. Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie are the hosts. The first event is an evening gown contest and the first is Joy Giovanni. It makes me want to play Pokemon if nothing else.

Second is Rochelle Loewen who was in Playboy. There’s nothing to this as they walk to the ring and then the next person comes out. Third is Lauren Jones and again no one knows who she is. The hosts don’t like Lauren. The last is Michelle McCool who you may have heard of. The hosts are at the announce table too. This was about as big of a waste of five minutes as you could ask for. Oh and there are two more competitions.

Ad for Mania which is the Hollywood campaign that I always loved. They put some thought into these and they came off far better than most others. This one is Pulp Fiction with Booker T as Samuel L. Jackson and Eddie as John Travolta. I think you know the scene that they’re doing. Booker hands the guy a pair of Mania tickets rather than a gun. They accidentally shoot the guy anyway.

Heidenreich vs. Booker T

No real backstory here other than Heidenreich needed a feud after Taker got done beating him up. This was made after Smackdown apparently when Booker thought Heidenreich was laughing at Booker after a loss. He reads a poem before the match which isn’t very good. It’s kind of hard to get into this as it’s about as thrown onto the card as you could want a match to be.

Basic match to start and Jon (not typing that whole name out every time) talks to himself and hits himself in the head. Pretty back and forth here as Booker hits him a good deal but can’t drop him. Jon wasn’t an invincible guy which more or less took away any fear he would instill in anyone else. Well that and when he raped Cole. Jon takes over and gets a key lock as this is rather uninteresting.

Booker makes a comeback but gets kicked in the face to stop that. And now back to the same hold as he had on before. Booker makes another comeback and hits a superkick to set up the Spinarooni. Jon is sent to the floor where he grabs a chair and blasts Booker in the throat with it for the DQ.

Rating: F+. It was too long, it wasn’t interesting, there was no story, the ending sucked and the wrestling was boring. Why in the world was this on a pay per view? Heidenreich was a pretty big misfire if there ever has been one as he never was interesting or a threat to anyone really. This was a great example of how worthless he was.

Post match Heidenreich covers Booker because he’s insane. Moving on.

Eddie and Rey are celebrating with random faces when Cena comes in. Eddie wants to talk to him alone and offers a nice thing saying if he doesn’t beat Angle it would be understandable. This is a big night tonight because if Cena wins he goes to Mania which is the point of everything. Eddie sounds like he’s about to cry. He says not to tap because it would tick Angle off and that’s Cena’s chance. In other words Cena, you’re not good enough to beat Angle yourself, so make him beat himself. Nice guy that Eddie. No idea what the point of this was.

Cruiserweight Title: Paul London vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Akio vs. Spike Dudley vs. Funaki vs. Shannon Moore

This is a Cruiserweight Open. The idea is a gauntlet match by random draw and the winner is the champion. Everyone comes out in random order and will stand at ringside rather than coming down the aisle. The first pairing is Paul London and Funaki who is champion coming in. Nothing special at all here as they go back and forth a bit. Chavo tries to come in but Spike (the former champion and a heel) drills Funaki in the back and London gets to roll him up for the pin.

Funaki hits Spike so London gets him and we’re down to four in less than two minutes. Shannon Moore is in at #4. More basic stuff here with nothing special going on. Shannon whips London into the corner chest first a few times. London hits two moves, a back elbow and the 450, to get the pin. Wow I hate these matches.

Akio (Jimmy Wang Yang) is in at #5. He beats on the tired London and hooks a chinlock in a freaking cruiserweight match. London has had maybe four moves total in his three wins. London gets a swinging neckbreaker off the top and both guys are down since there isn’t really any difference in how either guy lands. We get the double count and Akio doesn’t make it. I have NEVER seen anyone lose that way before.

So it’s Chavo vs. London for the title. London gets beaten down even more but hits a Dragon Suplex for two. This is probably about over which is what makes this even stupider. London makes a real comeback, hammering away with everything he’s got. A Dropsault gets two and then Chavo rolls him up with the ropes for the title. Chavo was in the ring less than three minutes.

Rating: F. I can’t stand these things. The champion got pinned in less than 100 seconds and the longest “match” was less than three and a half minutes. The pins are WAY too fast to be realistic and you can’t get into any pairing. Also London getting in nothing before the very last match was very stupid. I can’t stand these things and this as no exception.

We see a clip from Smackdown where Batista destroyed JBL’s limo after it almost ran him over on Raw. Show and Batista wanted to go after JBL but he ran away.

Show is worried about the cage. Or maybe he wants to eat a small animal, like a cow.

We actually get a graphic from Tazz explaining that you can win the cage match by pin, submission and escape. Apparently there won’t be access through the door.

Wrestlemania Recall: THE GIMMICK BATTLE ROYAL! That might be the best Mania match of all time ever.

Time for round two of the Rookie Diva stuff. This is the talent competition. They have to reintroduce the contestants. There are only six matches on the card and yet they have to pad it out with THIS? There wasn’t something better to do than to put SIX Cruiserweights in the same match? Joy goes first and her talent is massage so she rubs Torrie’s back. I feel like I’m watching outtakes of NXT.

Rochelle tells jokes. They suck.

Lauren, who is SHORT, dances. Not bad but in essence she strips.

Michelle’s talent is slamming Dawn who has run her mouth the whole time. I’m cracking up at this: a person’s special talent in a competition about being the best in a wrestling company was WRESTLING. WHAT A CONCEPT!

JBL tells Josh that he’s not scared. Who would have guessed Josh is still on the payroll and JBL isn’t? He talks way too long as it’s very clear they’re trying as hard as possible to fill in time.

Luther Reigns vs. Undertaker

No story here. Reigns is part of Angle’s team and they don’t like Undertaker. That’s it. Reigns was just a big power guy that was pretty generic to put it mildly. Mark Jindrak is out there with Reigns. And so much for that as he gets thrown out. This is more time wasting if you didn’t get that. Is there a reason why we had six matches on this card? We get a clip from Smackdown where Reigns hit Taker with a camera just after he beat Jindrak.

Taker is only 12-0 at Mania here so you know it’s a long time ago. Basic striking contest to start and guess who wins there. Reigns gets the turnbuckle pad off but Taker blocks the shot into it. This is your standard big man vs. big man match here. Reigns goes back first into the buckle as I’m kind of surprised Taker is staying in control this long as it’s not something you often see.

Apron legdrop has Luther in real trouble. Ah there’s the low blow to get Taker in trouble so he can make his traditional comeback. His head goes into the buckle and it’s the same spot that got hit by the buckle. Basic power stuff focusing on the head by Luther here as nothing special is going on here at all. There is ZERO heat here as the fans know that Luther isn’t going to win and we’re just waiting for Taker to make his comeback.

Taker gets a jumping….double axe handle to take over. What the heck? When does he do ANYTHING but the clothesline there? Snake eyes are blocked and a big boot takes Luther down. The fans flat out do not care. Chokeslam hits but Tombstone is countered into a reverse DDT. Cole SCREAMS at us that it was a swinging neckbreaker which was Reigns’ finisher and he looks like a total idiot because of it.

Taz calls it the same thing. Seriously are they THAT stupid? He goes for the actual move and Taker counters into a DDT. The Tombstone ends it seconds later. Sweet goodness those announcers are idiots.

Rating: D+. Totally by the book match here which we’ve seen a thousand times from Taker. Reigns never really meant anything at all and would be gone relatively soon and never heard from again. Taker beating up muscle guys who hit their finishers on him is about as standard as you could want from him and this was no exception. Boring match but I’ve seen worse.

Teddy is worried that Batista isn’t here yet.

We get another Mania ad, this one from Basic Instinct with Benoit and Jericho interrogating Stacy. Stacy smokes and makes lesbian jokes about her and Trish which give Jericho and Benoit some, ahem, issues. Christian, who means nothing at this point, is there too. Mae and Moolah come in and flash the interrogators.

Time for the final round of this nonsense. Dawn won’t come out for this one. This is the swimsuit round and they come out to Candace’s music. Joy comes out in a jersey and the others in robes. I don’t think I ever remember seeing Michelle in a swimsuit. Joy is wearing little shorts over a thong and won’t take them off. Rochelle trips but catches herself.

Lauren’s is too big as this isn’t going anywhere at all other than, say it with me, WASTING MORE TIME. Michelle looks good but nothing that special. This is just stupid. Rochelle probably looks best. We poll the audience while we wait on the votes to be tallied. They like Joy, who is the hottest looking overall, best. Joy DOMINATES, getting 65% of the votes. Lauren gets 6%. Rochelle, Joy and Lauren were gone in a few weeks, making this even MORE pointless if that’s possible.

We recap the #1 contender’s tournament where the finals are tonight. In order, Booker beat Eddie, Cena beat Orlando Jordan, Taker and Dupree had a draw and Angle beat Rey, sending him to the finals. Cena beat Booker, setting up Cena vs. Angle for the spot in the title match at Mania. There’s a short thing about Angle vs. Cena too as you can see the star in Cena about to explode.

John Cena vs. Kurt Angle

Cena is the second hottest thing in the world at this point just after Batista. He’s US Champion here also. Angle doesn’t get much of a big hometown pop which says something about his heat gathering abilities. Angle takes him to the mat to start as they’re going to have a lot of time to work with here. He gets a pretty bad belly to belly into what can best be described as a reverse chickenwing which looked pretty awesome.

Cena makes a comeback and knocks Angle to the floor and is booed LOUDLY. They brawl onto the announce table with Cena in control. Release Fisherman’s Suplex gets two. I think the back in the ring aspect was a given there. Angle avoids the FU and hits the floor for a breather. You can see the look in Cena’s eyes and it’s awesome.

He beats Angle down in the corner but Angle reverses and hits a release German into the buckle which was a cool looking spot. We go to a body scissors and Angle loudly calls spots to Cena. I love little things like those for some reason. Angle wrestles him down every time and Cena responds by just punching him. Angle rolls the Germans for two. Cena gets up and hits a spinebuster for two.

FU is reversed into a sunset flip and then a belly to belly as Cena is in trouble again. Angle Slam is reversed and Cena gets a DDT for two. Tazz isn’t sure if Cena winning would be an upset or not. FU is blocked again into the ankle lock and Cena is in big non-trouble as he reverses, sending Angle to the floor. He gets the top rope Fameasser as Angle is getting in for two.

Angle charges at Cena but walks into the FU for a LONG two. Kurt kicks him in the knee and goes after the leg. Angle Slam hits after some submission holds get Angle nowhere. Ankle lock goes on and Cena is in the middle of the ring. Gee do you think he’ll tap? How can you get away with pulling a guy back to the middle after he has the ropes already? I’ve never gotten that.

And Angle shoves the referee down for no adequately explained reason. He grabs Cena’s chain off the corner which is apparently Cena’s pride and joy. Screw that US Title thing. FU hits and amazingly enough that gets the pin as the referee was down before that. Cena winning was a legit surprise here as I think it was still a huge upset. He would lose the US Title to Jordan before the PPV. Yes, Orlando Jordan beat John Cena for a title.

Rating: B. Solid match here but it never quite got into that high gear to make it great. Cena’s match would get about 10 minutes while Angle would have a classic with Shawn that went over twenty. Still though this this was rather good and both guys were working out there. I think that Cena had more skills than Batista but Batista was flat out bigger at this point. Solid match though but I wonder how much of that is because of Angle.

Batista still isn’t here.

The cage is lowered. We need to have a general spam discussion match on PPV one time.

The recap of the main event match talks about Jindrak and Reigns costing Show the title at the Rumble. Show wanted it one on one so we got this. Batista is mentioned here too but not how he fits in here. A lot of this is the same stuff from the earlier package.

Smackdown World Title: JBL vs. Big Show

Basic stuff to start as JBL takes Show down with a flying tackle. He goes up but is afraid of the barbed wire. He tries a cross body and guess how well that goes for him. They’re staying away from the wire so far and it’s just a basic match for the most part here. Show is busted open after eating some cage. Bradshaw in full control here.

He rips the tag rope off the corner and chokes away with it. Show hits something like a superkick to put JBL down. Does Cole have Show’s measurements tattooed on the inside of his eyelids? He can snap those things off like they’re nothing. Powerbomb by Show and JBL is in trouble. The fans chant RVD who was hurt at the time.

Cole says the cage is a carnivore. Why do steel structures always have to have lives of their own in this company? Show gets a slingshot (Cole says monkey flip) into the cage. Here’s Jordan to climb the cage. The Bashams cut through part of the cage but Teddy comes out, saying to leave. Jordan manages to slip some bolt cutters to JBL who pops Show with them and adds the Clothesline From Hell for two.

For some reason there’s more or less no reaction for the kickout from the world champion’s finisher. Chokeslam hits for two as well which gets kind of a reaction but nothing huge. Another chokeslam is blocked though as JBL kicks the little Shows and adds a boot to the face. The door is closed and locked and isn’t eligible for escaping.

Bradshaw climbs up and uses the bolt cutters to cut through some of the wire. Show gets up and knocks them out of his hand. JBL is slammed into the cage a few times as the wire has more or less meant jack so far in this match. Show grabs him by the throat and chokeslams him through the ring, prompting a pretty weak holy expletive chant.

Show finds a safe spot and climbs down but he’s not sure what to do. Some things never change I guess. Instead Show pulls on the chain and lock which he rips apart with his bare hands. Well why mess with what works? He opens the door and climbs to the floor as JBL is declared the winner and still champion. While Show was wasting all kinds of time, JBL climbed through the hole in the ring and hit the floor first to retain. I love that ending because JBL followed the rules perfectly and Show’s reliance on power cost him.

Rating: D+. I REALLY wasn’t impressed here. If this was a regular cage match then it’s ok I guess but the barbed wire was just stupid. It did a total of nothing other than acting as a deterrent I guess, which a regular cage would have done just as fine or a cage with a top on it. This was a waste of time for the most part and didn’t work that well at all. Weak main event.

The Cabinet, JBL’s crew, comes out for the big beatdown and Batista comes out for the save. He’s in his gear of course. Don’t you travel like that? JBL tries to leave but Cena stops him. Apparently Cena vs. JBL is already made, which makes the signing of the contract totally pointless. Cena gives him a spinebuster onto the equipment. Apparently it’s either Cena vs. JBL or a triple threat. Yeah because I’m SURE they would let HHH have the night off right?

Overall Rating: D. This was bad. The Cena/Angle match is good and there’s some ok stuff elsewhere on the card, but the vast majority of this stuff is fast forward time. These split branded shows were just awful and this is a great example. They had SIX matches and had to give three different segments to the rookie Divas and nothing happened with them but they got about 15 minutes total. I hated this PPV but the Rumble and Mania were both good so they were allowed to have a bad show I guess. Take a pass here and find the better Cena/Angle matches elsewhere.

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of Starrcade from Amazon for just $4 at:

 

One Night Stand 2007
Date: June 3, 2007
Location: Jacksonville Veterans Memorial, Jacksonville, Florida
Attendance: 7,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Joey Styles, Tazz, Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield

 

We’re done with ECW now other than having Vince McMahon defend the title against Lashley in a street fight here. Other than that there’s nothing of ECW around here as the main event is Cena vs. Khali for the title in a falls count anywhere match. Should be ok though as big gimmick PPVs tend to be pretty good. Let’s get to it.

 

The opening video talks about how tonight there are extreme rules and list off the various matches we’re having tonight with very limited context. The official title is One Night Stand: Extreme Rules. There are four “sponsors” for this show: Raw, ECW, Smackdown and Gillette. Big, dare I say it, extreme?

 

The announcers run off the main event from each show.

 

Rob Van Dam vs. Randy Orton

 

This is a stretcher match and Orton still isn’t hearing voices. Orton has been injuring various people recently, including Shawn so this is Rob trying to stand up for him. It’s one of these matches where you have to push them on a stretcher across the finish line. Randy also hit a bunch of RKOs on RVD. The recap is done during Orton’s entrance which is always a bit odd.

 

Orton really does tower over RVD here. They stare each other down to start but RVD tricks him by hitting a kick to the face as he’s doing the finger point. Into the corner for some punching as Rob controls early. Monkey flip sends Orton to the floor. Slingshot legdrop to Orton on the apron has Orton reeling. Another spin kick in the corner sets up a knee and about the 9^th kick in about three minutes.

 

Orton gets a single kick in and a forearm but it has a much bigger impact because of the head injuries from the attacks on Raw. RKO is countered via a kick to the head but he gets shoved off the top and his eyes are gone. They go out by the stretcher with Orton in control but we’re not ready for that yet I guess. Dropkick takes Rob down. Here’s the Orton Stomp and the final kick to the head has Van Dam in big trouble.

 

Knee drop hits the chest and the eyes on Rob are great. Not quite onto the stretcher which there seems to be more than one of. The referee checks on Rob as Orton gets a pretty sweet powerbomb into a neckbreaker. Rob is rolled onto a stretcher but it falls over and we’re out on the floor. He fights back and sends Orton into the post to give himself a breather.

 

Rob manages to get Orton onto the stretcher but instead of pushing him up the aisle he hits a pretty sweet spinning legdrop onto Orton’s back to take over again. Back in the ring and a slingshot legdrop hits. Rolling Thunder is countered into a powerslam in a slick spot. Orton tries a suplex to the floor but Rob fights back with a dropkick to send him to the floor. The guy with a lot of initials puts Orton on the stretcher again but a front flip over the ropes eats half stretcher and half floor to put both guys down.

 

Orton puts him on the stretcher but can’t quite get him over due to falling down, allowing Rob to get up. Rob is able to get some quick kicks in and puts him on the stretcher and casually push him across the line for the win. That was a rather odd ending as it was like they were told they were doing it backwards and Rob was supposed to win.

 

Rating: C. Not much here but with a stretcher match there’s only so much that they can do. Not a horrible match or anything but at the same time the ending came off as rather weird. Anyway it’s not that it matters because this was Rob’s last appearance in WWE other than a pair of one off appearances to beat Santino and be in the Rumble one year. Anyway, not bad but just kind of there.

 

Post match Orton punts him and gets an elevated DDT off the railing to more or less kill him.

 

Vince is talking to Shane about polishing up the ECW Title and how tonight they end Lashley. However he does have a premonition that something bad is going to happen to him. His car would be blown up 8 days later.

 

We talk about some car racing show that Cena is going to be on.

 

Sandman/Tommy Dreamer/CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke/Marcus Cor Von/Matt Striker

 

Tables match. Basically this whole feud was about Punk as he joined the New Breed and then jumped to the ECW Originals despite not being an ECW Original. Burke is D’Angelo Dinero of course. We have to tag here and it’s Cor Von vs. Dreamer to start. Basic power moves have Dreamer in trouble and it’s off to Burke. Off to Sandman who hits a flapjack on the hometown guy.

 

Striker comes in and thank goodness they made him an announcer instead because he just isn’t that good in the ring. Punk comes in and hammers away on him because dude, he’s Matt Striker. Dreamer and Punk say GET THE TABLES but Cor Von makes a save. Punk is like screw that and hits a suicide dive to take Cor Von down. Springboard clothesline takes Burke down as everything breaks down. Striker runs from Sandman but gets drilled by Dreamer.

 

Table is set up but Burke and Cor Von make the save just in time. Nice guys there as they let their partner take a double suplex on the floor. Striker manages to take down Sandman and Burke takes down Punk to give the New Breed the advantage. The Originals realize this is stupid and pound them down but it’s Striker of all people who takes out Sandman again. Punk takes the Alpha Bomb but Dreamer saves him from going through the table. Striker goes up and Punk superplexes him through Burke through the table to end it.

 

Rating: C-. Match was just kind of there but it blew off the Originals vs. New Breed feud which meant that the New Breed was done. I don’t think anyone really missed them so it’s not like it mattered, but at least it’s done now. Punk was designed to be the star here and that’s who it should have been all along. At least it was short I guess.

 

The Draft is on June 11.

 

Edge is getting ready and Orton comes in. He says this is good stuff because they’re both his former partners. He doesn’t want anything but he’ll be coming for the title if he gets switched at the Draft. He wouldn’t so it doesn’t really matter.

 

RVD has another concussion apparently.

 

Raw Tag Titles: Hardys vs. World’s Greatest Tag Team

 

This should be awesome. Hardys are champions coming in. Big brawl to start but that’s the point of this match I suppose. Haas takes down both Hardys with a double clothesline and here come the ladders. All four have ladders so the Hardys throw theirs at their opponents’ and put a pair in corners. Haas gets buried under a pair of ladders in the corner and Shelton is pushed on top of them.

 

The Hardys start being the Hardys in a ladder match and dominate quickly but make a mental mistake (the Hardys? Nah) and both go up at once, only for Shelton to toss a ladder at them and take over. They work on Jeff’s leg and send him into a ladder in the corner so softly that the fans boo it. When do you EVER hear of a spot being booed in a ladder match? Haas and Benjamin both go up but they have the same issue the Hardys had and we all come down again.

 

Shelton dropkicks a ladder into Matt’s face and the World’s Greatest Tag Team takes over all over again. They set up a pair of ladders in a sea-saw pattern and according to rule 2 of ladder matches, they both get slammed onto it. Here come the Hardys again and a double clothesline takes everyone not named Shelton to the floor. The Hardys bring in the huge ladders and set one between the ring and the railing.

 

Shelton blocks a suplex through said ladder though, until Matt backdrops Shelton onto a ladder which he just bounces off. The ladder is bent and Jeff isn’t happy. He thinks to himself by George (and bonds. Pills. Maybe some cocaine too. My band’s album because no one else will) I want him to go through that ladder but Haas makes a last second save.

 

Matt takes Charlie down and goes up himself, only to get shoved onto the top rope. You know the move Haas and Benjamin do where Haas holds a guy up on the top and Shelton jumps on his back? Well here they use a ladder instead of a rope and Shelton jumps to the floor onto Matt’s back and more or less destroys it in an awesome looking spot. Charlie goes up but here’s your friendly resident drug addict (Jeff in case you thought Matt got up that fast) for a superplex off the ladder to the mat.

 

Everyone is down now and Jeff has a glazed over look in his eye. In other words, everything is normal with him. In one of the best accidental spots I’ve ever seen, Shelton tries to springboard from the apron to the ladder to stop Jeff but slips and flips forward, kicking the ladder over. JR actually does a decent job of making it sound intentional. Matt shoves Shelton off and starts climbing up two ladders at once. Everyone goes up and it’s a four way fight. The Hardys go down but maintain enough composure to shove their opponents off. Swanton kills Haas and Matt gets the belts to retain.

 

Rating: B+. Pretty good tag team ladder match here as they let all four guys go in there and just do their thing which is the right idea more often than not. Also they had time (seventeen minutes) here which helped a lot as well. Very hard hitting match here as they managed to make the older spots look good again. Rather good match and not much to complain about at all here.

 

Runjin Singh is with Khali who says he’s going to win. Oh man this is the night after the SNME where Khali crushed Cena clean in like 3 minutes. I have rarely seen anything stupider than that in wrestling and they managed to do it.

 

Mark Henry vs. Kane

 

Lumberjacks here. Oh joy. They actually introduce the lumberjacks to waste even more time. There are some actually decent named guys here like Benoit and uh……Benoit is in this. Other than that there are guys like Miz and Morrison who mean nothing at this point. Santino is the IC Champion here and isn’t a comedy guy yet. Apparently Kane lost a match via countout to Henry to set this up.

 

Henry throws him out almost immediately and Kane glares at the lumberjacks before getting back in on his own. Kane kicks him to the floor and Henry shoves all of the lumberjacks off with relative ease. They slug it out and Henry hides on the floor again. Out to the floor and Henry rams him into the post like he did on Friday apparently. Back in the ring and Henry works on the back, for once in his life showing some intelligence.

 

JBL suggests Henry belongs in the Hall of Fame. Sadly enough, that’s not out of the realm of possibility is it? Kane gets a shot in but charges into a powerslam for two. More power moves set up the bear hug to waste some time and let Henry have a breath of air. Kane gets a shot in but can’t hit the chokeslam so it’s right back to the beating. The fans think Henry sucks and I can’t say I disagree with them.

 

Back to the bearhug as the lumberjacks cheer for Kane. So the fans and other guys, both faces and heels it seem, don’t like Henry. That says nothing of note as everyone can’t stand him and no one ever has that I can remember. Kane sends him to the floor and goes up, diving on Henry and a bunch of lumberjacks at the same time. The big man can fly at least. Not a lot of big men would ever do that so points for that.

 

Back in the ring and Kane hammers away which doesn’t get him very far. Kane goes up again and the clothesline takes Henry down for no cover. Chokeslam actually connects but Kenny Dykstra and Chavo come in for not the DQ. That doesn’t get them anywhere but it gets us right back into the bearhug incase the first two of them didn’t get you fired up enough. Even with an arm between Henry’s, Kane actually “blacks out” in the hold and we’re done. Yes, that’s the ending they gave this.

 

Rating: D. Weak match beyond belief as since it was an even numbered year, Henry was pushed. No idea what Vince sees in this guy other than a massive contract so let’s keep pushing him. Either way, weak match here with a REALLY bad ending. Also, the lumberjack stipulation continues to be one of the weakest rules you can add onto any match with this being no exception.

 

The Hardys and World’s Greatest Tag Team are with the medical people and get into it again.

 

We recap Vince vs. Lashley. Vince won the ECW Title at Backlash in retaliation for getting his head shaved due to Lashley beating Umaga at Mania. Lashley got screwed out of the title at Judgment Day because Vince hadn’t held the title long enough to ruin the legacy of it enough yet.

 

ECW Title: Vince McMahon vs. Bobby Lashley

 

Umaga and Shane are with Vince here. Since he’s in it, this is a street fight. Lashley tries to dive on Umaga to start but messes up completely, landing only a kick to the head of the now dead Samoan. Shane tries to punch him and that just fails, leaving Vince all alone with Lashley. Joey tries to make it sound like Lashley is standing up for ECW, even though Heyman probably gets physically ill at the thought of Lashley working for ECW.

 

He fights off the trio as well as he can at first but the numbers catch up with him when he tries to bring in a chair. Vince gives his first offense, a clothesline, to take Bobby down. Vince’s hair is back now so at least the bandana is gone now. Out to the floor as this is a very slow beatdown which is going nowhere at all. Vince gets the timekeeper hammer and chokes Bobby with it instead of, you know, HITTING HIM WITH IT?

 

Back in the ring and a Samoan Drop takes Lashley down again. So riveting indeed here. Maybe it’s because Vince and Shane aren’t wrestlers and therefore shouldn’t be in the ring with a guy like Lashley? Vince gets one of the worst spears I’ve ever seen to Lashley for two. Umaga chokes away to waste more time but misses a splash, crushing Vince instead.

 

Lashley starts cleaning house, sending Umaga to the floor via a low bridge and suplexing Umaga over the top. Big chair shot to the head of Vince and many more to the back follow. Dominator powerslam only gets two as Umaga makes the save. Bobby gets another chair but Umaga gets a superkick in to take him down again. There goes the crowd as that totally and completely should have been the ending.

 

Instead, the McMahons and the Samoan take over again because that way they look like supervillains again. Shane drops the big elbow through the table (OH YEAH!) and everyone is down. Umaga wakes Vince up and gets a long two on him. Joey freaks out but it just feels wrong here. Umaga hits the running smash in the corner and Lashley is done. Shane tries the Van Terminator but drills Umaga by mistake. Spear to Vince gives Lashley his title back.

 

Rating: D+. Match more or less sucked because Vince and company dominated for the vast majority of it. They proved why Vince being in a mach did nothing but they were trying to give Lashley a rub I guess. Either way, there really was no point in waiting for this show to do the title change again, but either way not much here and WAY too long. The first comeback should have been it.

 

Lashley spears Vince again post match just because. He would be stripped of the title in like two weeks anyway when he was drafted to Raw, more or less rendering the ECW Title a midcard title.

 

Santino and Maria are asked about how pudding matches go. Maria goes all smart again and it’s supposed to be funny but it really isn’t.

 

Candace Michelle vs. Melina

 

Yes, they’re in pudding and no, that doesn’t add anything to this. Candace just doesn’t look all that good. She never has and that’s all there is to it. Melina is Women’s Champion but it’s non-title. She has goggles on here and there they go. This is so freaking stupid. They roll out of the big pool and apparently you win by pin or submission. You can’t tell them apart either so this is rather pointless. Anyway, Candace wins by submission in like two and a half minutes. I flat out do not care because this isn’t wrestling, at least not the kind I want to see.

 

The cage is lowered.

 

We recap Edge vs. Batista. Edge more or less stole Mr. Kennedy’s MITB when Kennedy got injured and then cashed in on an injured Taker after Taker had a cage match with Batista and then Henry returned to beat Taker up. Batista won some match/competition to get the shot. This gets the music video treatment for the night.

 

Smackdown World Title: Edge vs. Batista

 

Win by pin, submission or escaping the cage. It’s in a cage in case you’re rather stupid or have a very short attention span. Batista has a bad hamstring to fill some injury quota for faces I guess. Edge tries for the door almost immediately but it’s locked still and Big Dave catches him. He keeps trying to run and Batista is like dude, just take it like a man. Basic power stuff to start us off as you would have expected.

 

Edge gets in a shot but still can’t escape over the top as Batista drills him with a clothesline for two. Batista climbs the ropes (not in the corner) and Edge gets a dropkick to the leg to bring him down and take over. Big Dave gets rammed into the cage a few times back first which get two for Edge. Back to the leg as Batista is in trouble now. Not enough trouble for Edge to retain but he was trying at least.

 

The Canadian lunges for the door but only gets his hands out. A turnbuckle gets torn off but Edge can’t put him into it. Powerslam is countered into an Edge-O-Matic so he goes up top again. More brawling on top sets up a superplex by Batista for two. They’re kind of going through the motions here but it’s not bad. Right back to the top and down goes Edge so the musclehead tries for a shoulder block off the top, only to get caught by a dropkick. Is anyone in wrestling built and smart?

 

Edge tries a spear but Batista tries one at the same time I guess and they collide. Batista takes over again and gets a side slam for a close two. Edge misses a missile dropkick but walks into a slingshot into the cage for two. Batista gets sent into the buckle that was exposed and gets taken down by a spear for two. There is more or less no transition here at all and the flow is all off.

 

Spinebuster gets two for Batista so he loads up the Batista Bomb. Edge manages to move backwards towards the cage and climb to the top. Batista gets caught by a low blow and crotched on the top rope. The Canadian climbs up while Batista goes for the door and in short, Edge wins. There’s not much else to it than that really.

 

Rating: B-. The best thing I can think of to say here is that they were going through the motions. It’s certainly not a bad match but at the same time it felt like there was nothing going on for the most part. There was some drama in there and there was nothing wrong with it from a technical standpoint at all, but I never could get into it. Not a bad match at all, but nothing great and more or less just going out there and having a cage match. Could be the lack of any real story.

 

Batista is all ticked off. Not to worry though, as Edge would get hurt in less than a month and have to forfeit the title. Khali would win it in a battle royal and Batista would get it soon after.

 

Summerslam, the Biggest Party of the Summer, is going to be crashed. This was going to be the Jackass guys but THANKFULLY this fell through.

 

We recap Khali vs. Cena. Cena beat him at Judgment Day via submission but Khali’s foot was under the ropes. Khali said he knew when he tapped, even though he didn’t continue the match. Both guys wanted a rematch in a falls count anywhere match. Last night on SNME, Khali pinned him clean in less than six and a half minutes, because WWE is really stupid.

 

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. Great Khali

 

Falls Count Anywhere here. Very pro-Cena crowd here. Cena fires off some kicks to the leg but finally gets caught and the power gets going. This is pin only which is kind of weird. Khali uses his basic offense and that’s not meant as a criticism. I mean, he’s Great Khali and a giant. There’s no reason to not have him just do basic stuff to win is there? Big boot puts Cena down again as we haven’t left the ring yet.

 

Cena tries to speed things up again but Khali raises his leg like a leg lariat to take him down one more time. One arm slam and Khali walks around a bit. Cena avoids a leg drop and manages to get the Throwback out of nowhere. The top rope Fameasser is blocked by the chop though and Cena falls to the floor. That gets two in the first cover of the match. Cena gets in some punches but a low dropkick misses and it’s back to Khali.

 

In something you won’t often see, Cena’s head goes through a monitor but avoids the big chop. He does however get thrown into the crowd as the beating continues. Out near the production area Cena gets a monitor shot to the head but can’t FU Khali. The big dude gets a bunch of forearm shots to the back as Cena stumbles around a lot. Khali misses a charge and Cena throws a boom camera at him for a two count.

 

Cena actually gets him up for the FU but the elbows to the head slow it down almost immediately. And hey here’s a crane for no apparent reason. Khali throws him onto the thing and tries the Punjabi Plunge. Cena manages to rake the eyes though and there’s the FU on a crane. FLY FAT BOY FLY as Khali goes to the ground and the pin follows, keeping the title on Cena.

 

Rating: C+. All things considered, this was rather solid. Keeping Khali out of the ring and just letting him pound on people is always the best thing you can do and this was no exception. They had about as basic of a match as you can ask for here and that’s probably a good thing. Khali as the monster isn’t terrible at times and this was one of them. all this one a pleasant surprise.

 

Overall Rating: C. Best place to put this one is right in the middle. Every match is either rated as a C or is a step above, canceled out by a step below. This PPV is firmly in the middle of the pack as the tag title match is good, the cage match is ok and the main event is ok, but some of the stuff is pretty bad. If for some reason you ever come across this it would fill in about three hours but there’s nothing you would miss at all. Not bad, but nothing required to see at all.
Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of Starrcade from Amazon at:

 

Night of Champions 2010
Date: September 19, 2010
Location: Allstate Arena, Rosemont, Illinois
Commentators: Michael Cole, Matt Striker, Jerry Lawler

Since this PPV is all about champions, take a guess as to what it’s about. That’s right: pancakes. I prefer them with just syrup but some people actually like butter. I’m not a butter fan so I never use it. Ok the show is starting now so I’m out of jokes. I could go for some Aunt Jemima though.

One thing I wonder: what are Paper Jams? Paper related music? A jelly substitute made from trees? Wow syrup and jam already. Hopefully no one lays an egg or we’ll have a decent breakfast.  Let’s get to it.

I apologize for that joke. Even I thought it sucked beyond belief.

IntercontinentalTitle: KofiKingstonvs. DolphZiggler

If Dolph is disqualified or counted out he loses the title. Vickie does her intro but we get to look at Kaitlyn in a good looking dress so I can live with that. The music helps too. We get the two hands behind the head here which I like as a taunt for some reason. They have him in a black bowtie now too which makes my head hurt. Red tights for Kofi tonight which is a good look for him.

Feeling out period to start which is weird since they’ve had so many matches. The ring skirt has all the titles around it which is a cool look. Kaitlyn helps to get Dolph up and is yelled at of course. NICE neckbreaker by Dolph and a chinlock follows it up. The champion has half black and half white boots on which is different for him. He uses a big boot. Well of course he does.

Dolph hits a Fameasser which gets a joke from Striker. King audibly groans at it too which is the sign of a bad one. When JERRY LAWLER thinks your joke sucks, you’ve got a big problem. Lawler: Vickie used to be boy crazy. Boys would have nothing to do with her and it drove her crazy. Vickie is in leather pants which gets a lot of commentary for some reason.

And now Cole and Striker argue about who designed Vickie’s shirt. This is either really boring in ring stuff or really bad commentary. Given who is doing what, I think I’ll bet on the latter. Kofi hits a counter to get us to even again and here’s the comeback. Nice standing dropkick and he hits a Thesz Press. Wow I haven’t seen one of those in YEARS. Boom Drop hits and sets for Trouble in Paradise.

He does the stupid clapping thing where everyone cheers for him. Sleeper is blocked as Dolph uses it for a counter. SOS gets two as Ziggler gets his foot on the ropes. We’re cranking it up again here as I think I know the finish that’s coming. I’ll let you know if I was right or not. We hit the floor and Kofi is dominating. He throws Ziggler back into the ring to break the count which Striker says is smart. Cole of all people points out the reality: it was stupid as he would win the title on a countout.

Sleeper out of NOWHERE (which remember must suck since it’s a transitional move or whatever. I love the IWC’s idiocy at times) and Kofi is in trouble. He gets up quickly which is at least believable. I can’t stand when someone is in a hold for like a minute and then gets out of it. Kofi gets one of his own on but Dolph reverses. Vickie goes to smack Kofi but Dolph screams at her not to. Trouble in Paradise misses and Zig Zag ends this mostly clean which is surprising. I was wrong with what popped into my head but not entirely, but I’ll spare you the details.

Rating: B. This would be standard fare on Smackdown which means it’s very solid. This was another good match between them and hopefully this ends their feud which has run its course I think. Solid here and Ziggler looked strong, dominating for the most part and countering on a mistake to win it. Solid stuff but PLEASE get rid of Vickie as he doesn’t need her anymore.

Miz does an ad for Paper Jams, which is a music thing or something.

Edge says he’ll win. Nothing at all special about this.

CMPunkvs. BigShow

Ok, Punk HAS to win this or his year is more or less a lost one. He’s called the Second City Saint here in his hometown which is a rare thing in this company. He gets the hometown reaction which Lawler is surprised by. That’s ironic as Lawler has made more of a career out of one town than anyone in history. Punk says he loves Chicago but he hates the inhabitants of it. Is he a self-hater I suppose?

He manages to get heel heat here in a smark stronghold. That’s saying a lot. Punk wants to burn the city down and rebuild it into a straightedge utopia. That’s a great line actually. Punk tops that by saying if he’s facing the Giant then he is David and his slingshot is the almighty straightedge. I already live such a lifestyle but I want to join him anyway. Punk with the headband is still weird looking.

Cole calls Show a knucklehead, and wouldn’t you know that’s the title of his upcoming film. Cole says a headbutt from Show is like taking a cinderblock and breaking it over the opponent’s head. WHY DOES HE KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE? Big chop sends Punk to the floor. PUNK USED A FREAKING BIG BOOT. He follows it up with a slingshot senton bomb over the top to the floor in a nice spot.

Punk has him down but one punch slows him down. Middle rope elbow gives Punk the advantage back. They’re pacing this differently which is working well. Punk kicks him in the head which is a nice touch. Striker asks Lawler who the biggest man he’s ever been in the ring with. Of course it’s Andre, and Cole says that no one beat Andre. I REALLY hope he said that as a generalization and not literally because who are they trying to kid otherwise?

Show more or less tackles Punk out of the air and punches him for the pin. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Show hit two moves: the tackle and the punch. That’s it. That was Show’s offense. Punk DOMINATED other than that but Show hits two move to end it. I hate this company some times. How in the world can you validate giving Show that win that way after Punk killed on the mic? It makes Punk’s offense look pathetic but hey who cares? Show is BIG so of course he gets to win. Freaking joke man.

Rating: F. This was idiotic. Yes Punk is my favorite wrestler, but sweet goodness man: someone please explain to me why in the holy mother of goodness THE BIG SHOW deserves to go over him like this or in any way that doesn’t involve Gallows jumping Punk. Punk has been GOLD on the mic lately and yet his only big win recently is over Christian when Alberto interfered. This is so freaking stupid it’s unreal.

Jericho says he’ll win everything. You know the line he throws in there.

We recap Bryan vs. Miz which should be good. I’ve heard great praise for their house show matches and after Monday I’m legitimately unsure who wins here.

USTitle: TheMizvs. DanielBryan

Miz in blue here which works for him in a weird way. Riley is here with Miz of course. We’re told that Shawn trained by HBK which I don’t remember hearing before. Very well may have been though. Somehow we talk about Lou Thesz and Cole says he Googled all of his info. Can we get some talk about breakfast again? It’s far more interesting than this bickering.

Miz with a nice bow and arrow hold as the announcers keep up their whining. We get an explanation for the name LaBelle Lock, which is named after an old wrestler from the 30s. Well that’s better than nothing. Miz works the arm as Striker says he thinks Bryan is attractive. We get a shoulderbreaker and Striker gives a shout out to Double A (Arn Anderson) and says he should be in the Hall of Fame. Say it with me: AMEN!

The champ throws out a big boot as we’ve literally seen it three times tonight. Bryan with a suicide dive through the ropes to take out Miz. He SELLS THE ARM and hits a dropkick off the top for two. They slug it out and the selling continues. Let the boo/yay chanting begin! Running dropkick in the corner which always amazes me when someone hits it for some reason.

Miz kicks out again and Bryan gets a bit frustrated. We head up top and Bryan gets crotched. SWEET clothesline takes down Bryan who lands on his arm for two. All Miz here as he CRANKS on the arm and makes Bryan scream. Ropes are grabbed but Miz has til five. If he yelled that the IWC would have rioted. The Finale (not typing that name out) is countered into a rollup for two.

Riley gets on the apron but Miz punches him by mistake. Rollup by Bryan gets two and I would have bet on that being the ending. Bryan to the floor and Riley rams the post by mistake. Bryan STILL holds the arm. Miz just goes off on Bryan with punches but gets pulled into the LaBelle Lock AND IT’S OVER! Miz cries at ringside in a funny moment.

Rating: B+. This WORKED. I was way into the ending here as Bryan came off as awesome, just like Miz. I can’t wait for the IWC to complain about how Bryan carried Miz here and I can’t wait for it. Miz more than held up his half out there and looked great (just to be clear, Bryan was great here too). This was a very solid match but was held back by Riley interfering. Miz losing this way is perfect and it definitely put Bryan over. Very solid match and I was most impressed.

Hell in a Cell is in TWO WEEKS. Wow that’s dumb.

Cena is still all smiley and happy here and does a math themed promo which makes sense.

Women’sTitles: MichelleMcCoolvs. Melina

Michelle in red: DANG. Nice shot of her as the bell rings. Layla is ticked at her for being in there as we hear about the history of the Women’s Title, which is of course mostly nonsense but whatever. Crowd is DEAD. Yes, a Chicago crowd is dead. Michelle sends her to the floor but no one sends her back in. NICE Blockbuster from Orton’s elevated DDT position by Michelle. I love the Blockbuster (jumping front flip neckbreaker) so that was sweet for me.

Faithbreaker (Styles Clash) is blocked and Melina takes over. Decent belly to belly suplex for two by the blonde. Kelly gets up on the apron marking the first time they do anything all night as Melina has her rolled up. Kelly is for Melina here but just doesn’t get it I guess. The girls all beat up Michelle and send her back in. They need to stop slapping the mat as I think it’s a referee count.

Melina does the Matrix Move but Michelle just kicks her. Again: kicking and punching people works best a lot of the time. Both girls hit the floor as the girls yell at Michelle, showing off their acting…..talent. Layla interferes and Michelle gets to hit a, wait for it, wait for it, BIG BOOT TO UNIFY THE BELTS.

Rating: C-. Surprisingly decent match here although the girls were absolutely pointless out there. Layla interfering is fine as it’s expected, but what about the heat between them allegedly? This wasn’t much but at least it gets rid of the stupid Divas Title, or at least I hope so. Better than most Divas matches though so I’ll give it that.

Barrett talks about the Winds of Change. I wonder if he’ll Rock You Like a Hurricane.

We hit probably the longest recap ever as we set up Kane vs. Taker. You know this one by now I’m sure and if not go read my SD reviews for the last 6 weeks or so. We get the full history here over the last 12 years, including the straight up lie that Taker took Kane’s mask away.

SmackdownWorldTitle: Kanevs. Undertaker

Surprisingly Taker comes out first. They slug it out in the aisle to start. I want to see if they can break the streak of awful that their matches have been in the past. Taker shoves him off the stage into a pillar that the set is made of. The no holds barred aspect helps here as these two are designed for a big fight rather than just a regular match. So far they’re following that idea as it’s just a major fight so far.

Taker gets sent into the steps and Kane kicks him in the head. Why must you tease me with more big boots? Kane grabs the belt and hits Taker in the ribs with it which is a shot you don’t see that often. Clothesline off the top doesn’t get a cover as Kane does a really bad looking legdrop. Cole says Kane has dissected Taker. I guess we’re ignoring the first 4 minutes of this match.

Seated running one footed dropkick (just get to the freaking big boot you freaking teases!) hits as Kane is dominating. He takes the cover off the table and just pelts Taker with it. This has been a bit better than I expected and MUCH better than their other stuff. Taker sends him into the steps and has signs of life. Or is it death with him? His character can be a bit confusing at times.

Apron legdrop by Taker and for once the word vintage is ok. We get a mini Taker Dive as he sails over the railing to take down Kane. We head into the crowd as they’ve been in the ring about two minutes out of maybe 10 this has gone. Kane hits kind of a big boot. He hits a jumping punch as we’re back at ringside now. He punches Taker down and Taker is in trouble.

It turns into a boxing match almost with Kane throwing nothing but punches. Taker is getting DOMINATED here and it’s kind of nice to see. As long as he doesn’t make the comeback and win that is. Taker gets one punch in to a BIG old pop. He starts winning but Kane gets a knee. Jumping clothesline puts Kane down though. And now Taker throws punches.

Snake eyes and a big boot get two. We’re 5-5 in big boots tonight. Chokeslam to Kane but Taker can’t cover him. Striker calls him the weigher of souls. Could he be more over the top when talking about the zombie? Kane counters the Tombstone into one of his own and Kane wins clean!

Rating: C+. It wasn’t a great match by any means but this did what it was supposed to do. I don’t think these two can have a great match, but this is what they were supposed to do: Kane went out there and beat Taker up and then pinned him clean. That’s how this was needing to go and Kane gets the clean victory. Pretty sure we’re heading to Hell in a Cell with these two which is the next logical step. Kane needed this though and he got it.

Taker can barely get back to the locker room and almost has to crawl the last bit. I’d love Paul Bearer to come out here.

Randy says he has nothing to say. This takes nearly two minutes.

Legendary is coming to DVD already. That’s AWESOME.

We’re having a tag team turmoil match??? Hokey smoke. Someone made a thread about this and I didn’t think it would happen but here we go. The idea is there are five teams with two random ones starting. They have a match and then the winners advance to face the next team. Last team standing wins. It’s kind of like the weird cousin of the gauntlet match.

TagTeamTurmoil

We open with Hart Dynasty vs. Usos. Yeah because we haven’t seen this enough. Striker mentions playing a game called Six Degrees of the Hart Dungeon, which sounds AWESOME to a wrestling geek like me. DAVID HITS A BIG BOOT IN THE CORNER! Kidd hits a big Asai moonsault to the floor. Kidd gets the Sharpshooter but the other Uso hits a BIG BOOT to end him, guaranteeing new champions.

Kozlov/Santino vs. Usos now. This lasts about a minute as Santino sets for the cobra but Tamina distracts him, allowing a Samoan Drop (shocking right?) to end him.

Bourne/Henry in next. This shows how sad the tag division is. It truly does. Henry comes in and cleans house with the World’s Strongest Slam. Air Bourne ends it.

Final team is Drew/Cody. Ok we HAVE to have the heels win it here for the sake of sanity. Also so we can hear either awesome theme song. Drew is in those sexy white tights too so I’m happy. The heels dominate for awhile as Bourne plays Ricky Morton for awhile. They say Cody was a tag team champion but never say with who. I don’t get why though.

Big gutbuster by Drew as Bourne is in trouble, hence the Morton thing I guess. Drew CRANKS on a chinlock which looks awesome. Bourne gets out of a suplex using the ultimate counter: kicking his feet. Hot tag to Henry and Cody trips coming through the ropes. They go for the Super Shooting Star which takes forever so Cross Roads takes out Bourne (illegal man) for the pin and the titles.

Rating: D. These are hard to grade but given who was in this the booking more or less was terrible. No Gatecrashers or Dudebusters or Nexus but Bourne and Henry? Really? The one good thing here is that they beat the champions clean the other night. That’s a major plus for them so there’s no argument that they didn’t beat the champions. Not wild AT ALL on having another randon team thrown together but that’s the nature of the beast in modern tag wrestling I guess. Pretty bad though and definitely the worst of the night so far.

Random Alberto Del Rio promo montage.

Build up video for the elimination match and I think you get the idea of it.

Sheamus says his usual stuff.

RawWorldTitle: Sheamusvs. JohnCenavs. Edgevs. WadeBarrettvs. RandyOrtonvs. ChrisJericho

Pin or submission only for eliminations. MONSTER reaction for Edge. The trenchcoat is back too. Face pop for Jericho but not as big as Edge’s. Barrett is in his second PPV main event less than five months after making the main roster. Not bad. Elimination rules here. Orton is out last and gets a nice reaction but still pales in comparison to Edge. Striker asks Lawler for strategy here. Lawler says avoid elimination, which sounds really simplistic but Lawler follows it up by saying you’re going to have a better chance with three or four opponents than with five so if you can hang on your odds improve. Sometimes the simplest answer is best.

Tornado rules here too which is nice. We get a Hulk reference kind of as Cole lists off champions. Cena and Jericho stare each other down which makes me think Jericho is a jobber by comparison. RKO maybe 90 seconds in ends Jericho. WHAT THE HECK? He makes the big sad exit and everyone, myself included, is shocked. Y2J chant picks up of course as I’d love a face run from him.

Everyone surrounds Barrett and the beatdown is on! Orton and Cena have an eventual staredown but Barrett breaks it up. Striker calls Edge, Sheamus and Barrett rulebreakers. CENA THROWS A DROPKICK! The superpowers fight it out but Barrett saves Cena for some reason. Sheamus kicks Barrett in the face. He dominates for awhile and goes around kicking everyone in sight.

High knees to Cena which I can’t think of a Too Many Lies joke for. Cena blocks the High Cross as everyone else has apparently died. Edge comes back in and stops the top rope Fameasser. Double suplex off the top to take Cena down for two. Edge and Sheamus work together which tells me he eliminates the Irishman.

Orton pops up for like two seconds and Sheamus takes him down almost immediately. Spear misses and the Irish Curse takes Edge down. Brogue Kick misses but Edge gets the spear. Orton takes one too but Edge takes a very nice FU to get rid of him and we have four left. Barrett takes down Cena and stomps the tar out of him.

He and Cena fight it out for awhile until Cena makes his comeback. 5 Knuckle Shuffle but Sheamus accidentally hits Barrett. Cole keeps calling the FU the A.A. now. Sheamus is in the STF FOREVER and has one of the best teases of getting there I’ve ever seen. He manages to do it and you can feel the crowd just stop. Nexus comes out and the distraction allows Barrett to hit Wasteland on Cena and ELIMINATE HIM!

Nexus beats down Orton and since there are no disqualifications this is all gravy baby. Nexus tries to run in again but Cena KILLS one of them with a chair. Orton gets the backbreaker on Barrett and an RKO gets us down to Sheamus vs. Orton. Brogue Kick KILLS Orton but it only gets two and a big old pop. High Cross is countered and the RKO gives Orton his seventh title!

Rating: C+. This was ok. It wasn’t the mess I thought it would be and getting rid of two people relatively early, especially Jericho, made this run a lot more smoothly. It’s an ok match but really nothing worth going out of your way to see. They went with the usual multi-man formula here which I’m not a fan of at all. Barrett pinning Cena clean is a good thing but it’s probably going to lead to a Hell in a Cell match which I don’t think anyone wants to see at this point. Fairly good match, but not a great one at all.

Overall Rating: C-. This show was definitely ok but it’s not a great show. The title changes are usually pretty cool and some of these were, but I can’t really bring myself to care about Orton winning his 7th world title. You get some good stuff like Miz vs. Bryan and Kane vs. Taker, but other than that this show really isn’t anything special. It’s entertaining enough for three hours and if you watch it you won’t be bored, but you certainly won’t be blown away. Not a bad show but not really good either.

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my book on the History of the WWE Championship from Amazon for just $5 at:

 

This number will still be tweaked over the summer until the final number is announced in August.  So far it did…..1,048,000 buys.  Here’s how that stacks up over recent years:

 

2009 – 960,000 buys
2010 – 885,000 buys
2011 – 1,059,000 buys
2012 – 1,217,000 buys
2013 – 1,048,000 buys (prelim. figure)

 

Odds are it’ll go up, meaning it’ll be the second highest total in the last five years.  Isn’t it interesting that of the last five years, the two lowest are the ones Cena didn’t main event?

Since just having a wrestling match is out of the question, it’s going to bean ambulance match at Payback.  Can I go to the hospital instead of watching?

Extreme Rules 2013
Date: May 19, 2013
Location: Scottrade Center, St. Louis, Missouri
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, John Bradshaw Layfield

This is a card that has gotten a long time to build itself up, yet the top matches are still pretty weak. The main events tonight are Ryback challenging John Cena in a last man standing match and HHH facing Brock Lesnar inside a cage. The rest of the card has been built up far better than these matches and should be much more entertaining. Let’s get to it.

Pre-Show: The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes

Cody starts fast by trying to jump Miz, only to be caught in a flapjack and a backslide for one. A clothesline puts Rhodes down but a kick to the face misses Cody, allowing him to hit a quick hot shot for two. The release front suplex gets two for Rhodes and it’s off to a bodyscissors. Back up and Cody pounds away before putting on an armbar.

A rollup gets two for Rhodes and it’s back to the bodyscissors. Miz fights up and hits some kicks to the ribs and head before getting a near fall off a sunset flip. Miz escapes CrossRhodes but the figure four is broken up as well. Cody dives off the ropes and lands in the figure four for the tap out at 4:52.

Rating: D+. This was nothing special and was the same kind of match you could see on any given Raw. Miz’s problem at this point is he has no reason to be considered a face other than the announcers treat him like one. He’s just a guy out there wrestling and the same could be said of Cody. That makes for a really dull set of matches, as there’s no reason to care about either guy and the matches aren’t all that great in the first place.

The opening video focuses on the main events and how tonight is different from the other nights of the year.

Chris Jericho vs. Fandango

This is a rematch from Wrestlemania where Fandango won his debut match in a major upset. Jericho goes after him to start and pounds on Fandango’s head to send the dancer out to the floor. Chris follows him out and sends Fandango into the barricade before dancing on the announce table. Back in and Jericho stomps away at Fandango to send him back to the floor. Fandango gets back in and gets a boot up to stop a charging Jericho in the corner to take over.

After a kick to Jericho’s ribs we hit the chinlock, only to have Fandango hit him in the ribs for another near fall. A slingshot legdrop gets two for Fandango and it’s back to the chinlock. Jericho fights up and hits some shoulder blocks followed by the top rope ax handle for two. Fandango kicks out of the Walls so Jericho goes up top for a crossbody, only to have Fandango roll through for a two count.

Fandango kicks Jericho in the face to keep him down before loading up the guillotine legdrop. Chris rolls away though and hits the Lionsault for a near fall. Can that even be called a finishing move anymore? Fandango tries a sunset flip out of the corner but gets caught in the Walls of Jericho, only to grab the ropes a second later. Jericho charges into a boot in the corner and Fandango goes up, only to dive into the Codebreaker for the pin at 8:32.

Rating: C+. This was better than their match at Wrestlemania and the ending looked good. Fandango isn’t going to lose his credibility now as he won the original match, which is what WWE usually gets backwards in their booking of these characters. Good opener here and the fans are fired up now.

Sheamus says that the trucks Henry has been pulling around don’t hit back like he does. Tonight, the Celtic Warrior goes extreme.

Video from Raw of Ryback attacking Cena’s bad leg.

US Title: Kofi Kingston vs. Dean Ambrose

Kofi is defending. Rollins and Reigns walk back up into the crowd to keep this as an actual one on one match. Feeling out process to start with Kofi trying a quick Trouble in Paradise but Dean grabs the rope. A hiptoss sends Ambrose down and Kofi pounds away in the corner. Dean comes out of the corner with a clothesline and drops an elbow for one. With Kofi against the ropes, Ambrose hits a hard dropkick for a near fall. Ambrose talks trash and puts on a crossface chicken wing of all things, complete with a grapevine.

Kofi fights up and sends Ambrose face first into the buckle to escape before dropping him with a dropkick. Boom Drop connects but Ambrose backs away before Trouble in Paradise can launch. SOS gets two on Dean and Kofi goes up top, only to be crotched down and caught with a butterfly superplex for two.

Ambrose charges into a kick to the face in the corner and there’s a top rope cross body for two for the champion. Dean goes to the apron and there’s Trouble in Paradise but it knocks Ambrose to the floor. Kofi throws him back in for two but another Trouble in Paradise only hits ropes. The bulldog driver gives us a new champion at 6:45.

Rating: C+. This was exactly what it was supposed to be. Kofi was given the title to drop it to someone like Ambrose and he did that just fine. Kingston is the kind of guy who can bounce back no matter who he loses to so he’ll be just fine. This should be the first of many titles for Shield and it’s a very good sign that they’re getting gold this soon.

Shield comes out to celebrate post match but doesn’t beat Kofi down.

We look at Henry vs. Sheamus, which is built around Henry displaying his power and Sheamus outsmarting him. Tonight they’re tied together with a strap and you have to drag your opponent around the ring and touch all four corners in succession (meaning that if you get three but your opponent breaks your momentum, you have to start over again) to win.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

There are lights in each cover to keep track of who has touched which with Sheamus having green lights and Henry having red. Sheamus trips Henry down to start and Mark is already ticked off. They slug it out and Sheamus goes back to the leg to put Henry down again. Sheamus gets one corner but Henry easily pulls him to the middle of the ring to break the streak. Henry gets smart by hogtying Sheamus’ feet together, only to have Sheamus break the streak after one buckle.

Sheamus knocks him over the top and out to the floor, only to have Sheamus get on the apron and pop Henry in the face. In a smart move, Sheamus runs the apron to get three straight buckles, only to have Henry take him down with a clothesline. Back in and Henry puts Sheamus on his shoulder before walking around to the corners. Sheamus is touching them as he goes along though and it’s 3-3. Henry catches on though and headbutts Sheamus down, breaking both streaks. Sheamus comes back with forearms to the face and drops a bunch of knees to slow Henry down.

We finally get to what we wanted to see: Sheamus whipping Henry with the strap. A beaten down Henry has trouble stopping Sheamus from getting to the first three buckles but Sheamus charges into a spinebuster to break his momentum. Back to the floor with Sheamus pulling Henry into the post in a smart move. They go back inside with Sheamus getting three but getting caught in the World’s Strongest Slam. Before Henry can drop Sheamus though, the Celtic Warrior bails out and Brogue Kicks Henry down, allowing him to hit the fourth buckle at 7:58.

Rating: C-. This was pretty underwhelming given what was expected of them. The problem with these matches is the same every time: it becomes about strategy instead of the violence that the match was built up on. Strap matches are always better when the guys get to destroy each other, but that might be interesting so we better not do that here.

AJ is on the phone with Dolph when Kaitlyn comes up. Apparently AJ has said she’s too distraught to face Kaitlyn so AJ makes fun of the secret admirer. Kaitlyn calls her Looney Tunes and AJ is mad. Kaitlyn quotes Porky Pig which AJ calls appropriate and the beating is on.

Here are Colter and Swagger with Zeb complaining about the IRS and AP phone tapping scandals before ripping into the St. Louis Cardinals for having too many Latin players.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger

This is an I Quit match for the #1 contendership. Del Rio hits a fast clothesline to send Swagger to the floor. A flying knee takes Jack down on the floor and it’s already weapons time. Del Rio’s first choice is a kendo stick but Del Rio gets caught in a belly to belly to put him down. Swagger pulls the barricade covering off but Alberto sends him into the steps before Jack can do anything else.

Alberto goes after the arm as is his custom before stomping it against the steps. Back in and Swagger gets in some kendo stick shots to give Jack control. The fans want Ziggler but they get more kendo stick shots to Del Rio’s leg. Swagger ties Del Rio’s arms in the ropes and pounds away at his chest with the stick. Alberto gets his arm free and catches Swagger in the armbreaker while in the ropes, only to fall backwards onto the floor.

Jack brings in a chair but gets caught by an enziguri to put him down. Del Rio fires off his usual clotheslines and the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker followed by the low superkick. Swagger gets caught in the ropes and Del Rio pelts his back with the stick before hitting the Backstabber for good measure. The armbreaker is countered into a belly to belly suplex and the gutwrench suplex puts Del Rio down again. He still won’t quit but the no’s are getting weaker.

Another powerbomb puts Del Rio down but he grabs the armbreaker out of nowhere. Remember that rope breaks don’t count here as they mentioned on Raw. Swagger counters into the Patriot Lock but Del Rio still won’t give up. Swagger grapevines the leg but Del Rio won’t quit. Out of nowhere, Colter grabs the white towel that Ricardo was carrying and throws it in, which counts as Del Rio quitting, giving Swagger the win at 9:25.

Actually scratch that as another referee comes out and says that Colter threw it in. We look at a replay and the referee says if Del Rio can continue, the match will restart. Del Rio says let’s continue so Swagger goes after the leg again. Alberto fires off a superkick to the arm and puts on the armbreaker but Swagger won’t say it. Scratch that as he does quit at 13:50.

Rating: C. Well that helped absolutely no one at all. I’m not sure what in the world the point of the false finish was given that it was resolved in literally two minutes. Swagger taps out to Del Rio again which continues to make him look worthless in this persona. I’m guessing this allows them to do the threeway anyway, making this match pretty much pointless all around.

Ryback says all Cena has left are words, but Cena is a liar. Tonight Ryback Rules and he wins the title.

Tag Titles: Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins vs. HELL NO

This is Texas Tornado rules, meaning all four men are in the ring at the same time. The fact that there were some deaths a few days ago due to tornadoes in Texas makes this bad timing for this gimmick. Kane and Bryan are defending. It’s a big brawl to start as you would expect with the champions taking over. Bryan puts Rollins in the surfboard and Kane adds in a low dropkick for two.

Kane gets double teamed down in the corner and then Bryan gets the same treatment. Reigns loads up a powerbomb off the middle rope but Bryan counters into a rana to put everyone down. Kane grabs both Shield members by the throat before shoving them to the floor, allowing Bryan to hit the suicide dive to take both guys out. The champions take turn hitting clotheslines on both guys in the corners before Kane hits the top rope clothesline on Rollins, allowing Bryan to hit the Flying Goat for two.

Bryan gets the NO Lock on Reigns but Rollins finally makes the save. A chokeslam puts Rollins down but Roman catches Kane with the spear. Back up and Reigns shoves Kane into Bryan, only to get caught around the throat. Seth comes in off the top with a knee to Kane’s head, allowing Reigns to hit a second spear. Bryan makes the save but can’t get the NO Lock on Reigns. Rollins makes the save so Reigns can put Bryan in a torture rack. Seth comes off the top with a knee to the chest, good for the pin and the titles at 7:24.

Rating: C+. Again this was ok but nothing great. They could have used another five to ten minutes here but for some reason they’re flying through these matches tonight. Shield winning was the only logical conclusion as there was nothing left for Bryan/Kane to do with the belts at this point. Decent but not great here.

We look at the pre-show match.

There’s going to be a post show with Mick Foley, Wade Barrett, Titus O’Neil and Renee Young.

Big Show vs. Randy Orton

This is an Extreme Rules match, meaning anything goes. Orton agreed to trust Big Show at Wrestlemania but annoyed Big Show by taking the tag himself, causing Show to knock Orton out. Orton gets a big reaction as the hometown boy. Show shrugs off an early flurry by Orton before running Randy down with a big shoulder. JBL incorrectly says that Orton’s dad was in the main event of the first Wrestlemania. He was at ringside but not in the match.

We head to the floor with Orton getting in some kendo stick shots, only to have Show take the stick away and break it over his knee. Orton pulls out another stick but Show breaks that one as well. Show puts Orton up against the announce table for a LOUD chop, only to be rammed face first into the post to give Orton a breather. It’s ladder time but Show slams it off Orton’s head to put Randy down again.

Back inside and Orton’s shoulder hits the post but Randy comes back with a dropkick. Orton pounds away in the corner but Show easily picks him up and slams him down for two. Show throws the ladder inside and gets a few chairs for good measure. He sets up the chairs in the corner and bridges the ladder across them like a mini platform. Show lays Orton on the ladder but misses a Vader Bomb and crushes the ladder, giving Orton two.

The Elevated DDT connects and Orton goes into his place. The fans get all fired up and there’s the RKO but Big Show kicks out at two. That’s one of the few finishers that has been protected over the years so it had to be kicked out of eventually, as in WWE finishers mean nothing anymore.

Orton gets another chair and cracks Show in the back with it over and over again. They head back inside for a shot to the chest, but Big Show hits a spear to put Orton down. Not that it matters though as Orton kicks him in the face and hits an RKO on the chair. Instead of covering though, Orton shakes his head and has a freaky smile on his face. The Punt makes its return and that’s enough for the pin at 13:05.

Rating: B-. This was the match of the night so far but even still it wasn’t all that great. The Punt was a nice addition but I’m rather surprised that they would allow it given what happened to Ziggler recently. Still though, not bad here and Orton winning was the right move for the hometown crowd.

We recap Cena vs. Ryback. At Wrestlemania, Cena won the title while Ryback lost to Mark Henry. The next night Ryback turned on Cena due to Cena constantly leaving him to be beaten down by Shield. Cena injured his ankle on a European tour so tonight it’s a last man standing match, playing to Ryback’s advantage.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. Ryback

Last man standing, which means you have to keep your opponent down for a ten count to win. Also Cena is defending if that wasn’t clear. Ryback shoves Cena down to start and the fans chant Goldberg at the challenger. Cena’s ankle is strong enough to survive a leapfrog and there’s a bulldog to take Ryback down. After Ryback hits some shoulders in the corner, he catches Cena diving off the middle rope in a powerslam for a six count. A gorilla press puts Cena down for eight.

Cena pulls himself to his feet and then pulls the top rope down, sending Ryback out to the floor. With Ryback up at six, John slides a table into the ring. Ryback escapes the AA though and hits his over the shoulder Stunner for an eight count. The table is set up in the corner now but Cena takes Ryback down with some shoulder blocks. Ryback catches him in mid-air though and hits a fallaway slam through the table. Cena makes it up at nine and avoids a charging Ryback, sending him shoulder first into the post.

The ProtoBomb sets up the Shuffle but Ryback again counters the AA. A weak spear puts Cena down but Cena pops back up and hits a powerbomb of all things for an eight. Back up and Cena puts him in a kind of choke hold, only to be countered into a spinebuster. That and the Meathook are enough for a seven but Cena grabs the STF out of nowhere. Ryback is out but Cena is pulling in another table just in case. He’s up at eight and Ryback is all fired up.

Ryback loads up the Shell Shock but Cena escapes and hits the AA through the table to put both guys down. Both guys get up at nine and Cena goes up, only to get caught in a Shell Shock. Cena gets up at nine and they head to the floor where Cena plows Ryback through the barricade but only for a nine. They head into the crowd where Ryback rips up what looks like a hockey board and knocks Cena senseless with it. It’s still not enough though and Cena puts on a sleeper.

After choking Ryback for a good while the monster stays down for nine. Cena puts Ryback on a conveniently placed table and dives off a balcony with a splash through said table. Ryback is again up at nine so Cena sprays him with a fire extinguisher. They head up to the stage with Cena hosing Ryback down again and again before hitting Ryback in the face with the fire extinguisher.

Ryback again gets up at eight but the AA is countered, allowing Ryback to drive Cena through a the set (as in through the electrical light grid and off camera). Both guys are out behind the set with a bunch of glass under them. The referee asks for medics and Cena is out cold as Ryback is helped to his feet. Shouldn’t that count as Cena not being up and Ryback winning? The match is thrown out at about 24:00.

Rating: B. That’s a pretty cheap (yet good looking) ending as Cena couldn’t keep Ryback down and now we’re going to get a rematch at Payback. It was certainly entertaining though, which is mostly because of how much more time it got than any other match. That’s the problem with a lot of the matches tonight: they’ve been WAY too short.

Ad for Payback in four weeks.

We recap HHH vs. Lesnar. They’ve been feuding for a year at this point, trading wins at Summerslam and Wrestlemania. Lesnar then trashed HHH’s office and tonight is the rubber match.

The cage has a new design and is higher than the usual one.

Brock Lesnar vs. HHH

You can win by pin, submission or escape. HHH jumps Lesnar in the aisle and rams him into the cage before HHH’s entrance music even starts. They get inside the cage with Brock in big trouble early on. A spinebuster puts Lesnar down as JBL goes through Brock’s MMA history. Brock counters the Pedigree with a backdrop into the cage before ramming the Game’s head into the steel. HHH is thrown into the cage and Brock is already in full control.

The Game sends him into the cage but Brock just smiles and rams him right back into the steel. Brock misses a flying knee into the cage and shouts to Heyman that his knee is hurt. HHH goes up top but Brock is there to meet him. Lesnar is shoved back down though and the knee is hurt again. The facebuster puts Brock down again as HHH is calling some loud spots tonight.

Brock counters the Pedigree attempt into the Kimura but HHH goes back to the knee to escape the hold. A big clothesline puts HHH down and Brock wants the door opened, but a chop block by HHH puts him down again. Now HHH goes for the door but Heyman slams the door on his head. An F5 gets two and Brock tells Heyman to get him a chair. Lesnar hits Trips with the chair but Brock’s knee is too hurt to keep going. Another F5 attempt fails as the knee gives out.

Now HHH gets the chair and beats on Brock’s knee to send Lesnar into the corner in a heap. A quick Kimura attempt gets Lesnar nowhere and it’s Figure Four time. The ropes mean nothing (Heyman: “BREAK THE FRIGGIN HOLD!”) so Brock has to turn the hold over to escape. With HHH down, Brock tries to climb over the top but HHH gets a chair shot to the bad leg to bring him down. HHH has a big dumb grin on his face and climbs to the top where he pulls out a camouflaged sledgehammer.

Brock gets the hammer away but HHH takes him down and puts on a Sharpshooter of all things. I don’t think I’ve ever seen HHH use that. It’s clear that HHH doesn’t have a lot of experience with the hold as it’s a pretty ugly version. Heyman comes into the ring and gets caught in a Pedigree, but there’s one for Brock as well. That only gets two so HHH gets the hammer, only to have Heyman hit him low. A sledgehammer shot to the face puts the Game down but Brock doesn’t cover. Brock hits a one legged F5 for the pin at 20:10.

Rating: B. Not bad and probably their best match yet, but at the end of the day we’re celebrating the fact that HHH didn’t put himself over Brock Lesnar in a cage. The fact that we’re a year into this feud (with no guarantee that it’s over) and HHH almost beat him in what should be Brock’s signature match is a sad reality. Good match but it didn’t need to exist.

Overall Rating: C+. This is a hard one to grade. On one hand, it’s certainly not awful and there are some solid matches on the card. However, most of the matches felt like afterthoughts to the main events which were matches that weren’t all that interesting coming in. The main events are good examples of good matches that don’t make up for the lame buildup to them. At the end of the day, people weren’t that interested in either of the matches but the payoffs were both good. Decent enough show but it could have been WAY better.

Results

Chris Jericho b. Fandango – Codebreaker

Dean Ambrose b. Kofi Kingston – Bulldog Driver

Sheamus b. Mark Henry – Sheamus touched all four corners

Alberto Del Rio b. Jack Swagger – Cross Armbreaker

Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins b. HELL NO – Torture Rack/Top Rope Knee Drop Combination to Bryan

Randy Orton b. Big Show – Punt

Ryback vs. John Cena went to a no contest

Brock Lesnar b. HHH – F5

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my book on the History of the WWE Championship from Amazon for just $5 at:

 

If you don’t…You should because they won both title matches tonight.