Royal Rumble 2005
Date: January 30, 2005
Location: Save Mart Center, Fresno, California
Attendance: 12,000
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Tazz, Jim Ross

Before I get going, this is the Rumble where the promo was designed after West Side Story. The tag line was “All the rumbling, minus the dancing and singing.” Again I say, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE THESE PEOPLE ON??? It’s not the scariest part that these people are agreeing to put this on, but that someone THOUGHT THIS UP and GOT PAID TO DO IT. I mean come on now. WEST SIDE STORY???

This is supposed to be one of the biggest fights of the year and it’s WEST FREAKING SIDE STORY??? ANYWAY, the rest of this show looks pretty weak other than the Rumble. Other than another year passing, we’ve seen the rise of Batista and Cena, who are all of a sudden the hottest guys in the company.

HHH is world champion in a stunning revelation and is facing Orton tonight, allegedly in his last title shot. Say it with me: HA! We also have JBL defending against Show and Angle in a match I completely don’t remember. Oh and Edge is back and an Achilles enthusiast now. Let’s get to this.

Our opening video talks about how the legacy of the Rumble continues tonight. That’s fine. We shift to an alley where we have Raw and Smackdown dressed like it’s the 1950s and singing about fighting each other, with one line being: “We’ll step into the ring and reach an understanding. When the smoke has cleared I’ll be the last man standing.” Please, I beg of you now, end my life so I don’t have to listen to this anymore!

Edge vs. Shawn Michaels

Edge has been using Metalingus for 5 years almost? Methinks this might be dubbed. Oddly enough the same band is doing the theme song for the PPV. At Taboo Tuesday, Shawn had gotten voted into the title match instead of Edge, so we get this as a result. Ross calls HBK a first ballot Hall of Famer. Who makes the ballots for that thing? I want that job. My first step: shorten the class size to like 5.

We start off fast, shocking no one. They already reference the 95 Rumble so at least they’re starting it early. To kill some time we list of some of Shawn’s accomplishments because we have to do that at least once a week. The heel heat that Edge is already drawing is really impressive. In a painful looking spot, Edge hits the Edge-O-Matic on the floor. That can’t feel good, which I think is the point. The crowd is hot tonight so that’s good.

Within maybe 30 seconds of each other, Lawler says that Edge has never gotten a world title shot and Ross says if Edge ever starts doing shampoo commercials he’ll be perfect. For those that have no clue why this is interesting, both of those things not only happened, but they both happened in 2002. Yeah I need a life don’t I? After Shawn comes back for a good while we hit the floor where Edge hits a spear.

For the love of mangoes he needs a new finisher. This is kind of an odd choice for an opening match. They’re both big names, so why not save this for a bit later? I guess because with only five matches on the card there’s no other place to put it. Edge tunes up the band but instead throws out the spear for two. Edge counters Sweet Chin Music into a SWEET electric chair that gets two. Edge is having a mental breakdown over this and his facials are still epic.

He counters a sunset flip into that weird kneeling Sharpshooter thing he would do that was always weird looking. The hold looks just completely awful when you look at it for more than three seconds. Shawn is in it over a minute and doesn’t tap which is fairly cool I suppose. Edge finishes with a reversed rollup and uses the ropes for a pin. I like that ending. Edge’s reaction of completely freaking out and screaming I DID IT was just awesome.

Rating: B. It took me awhile to figure out if I liked this match or not. The ending made it for me though as Edge getting the win was a big deal. Shawn definitely didn’t need a win here while this was Edge’s biggest win of his career at this point. The ropes at the end helped a lot too to play up Edge as a heel. This was a very good match overall with the booking being especially good.

We go to the back where Bischoff and Long, who more or less is the same character that he is now. Torrie and Christy are running the number draw as Eddie and Flair come in, both dressed like kings. Eddie starts to reach in but Flair stops him. He dances a bit and says 16 times.

Eddie pulls his hand back and lets Ric go first. That was great to me for some reason. Ric is thrilled with his number and Eddie is upset. Ric brags and then Eddie hugs him. Flair shows the girls his number and realizes Eddie stole his and chases after him. That was a lot better than it sounds.

Heidenreich is in the back, talking about how he hates caskets. Snitsky comes up and says he knows Heidenreich hates caskets, but they like each other and Snitsky has an idea. There are more gay overtones here than there were with Piper and Bob Orton, and that’s saying A LOT.

We recap Taker vs. Heidenreich (Jon, because that takes too long to type) which more or less was Heyman bringing Jon in and them fighting a bit. Jon was supposed to be some big tough fighter or something but he was bland and it bombed badly.

Heidenreich vs. Undertaker

This is a casket match. They actually start with wrestling stuff, shocking the heck out of me. Taker keeps using headlocks to drag Jon to the casket. That’s really smart as it freaks Jon out. Jon is kind of an MMA/street fighter kind of guy but he’s just not that good at it. In an awesome spot, we’re in the corner with Jon throwing punches at Taker. Taker grabs the ropes and throws his legs up to tie up Jon in a triangle choke while still up in the corner. That was awesome.

Tazz points out why Cole is messing up the names of the moves which Cole gets annoyed with. For some reason the fans start booing the heck out of the match. Oh Snitsky is here. They double team Taker with a double suplex and Jon somehow manages to botch that. Do you have any idea how hard it is to mess up a move like that? Kane is in the casket. This was supposed to be Taker’s match at Mania. I’m glad they went with Taker vs. Orton instead aren’t you?

The announcers are of course stunned at someone hiding in a casket, despite Taker having done it about a million times. Jon moves the casket away from the ring for no apparent reason. Taker is back to beat on him some more as we have a Christian Coalition sign in the front row. TNA is already spreading. They’re on PPV at this point so I guess it’s possible, even though Christian was still in WWE at this point so ignore me.

Apparently Taker’s knee is hurt or something like that. Jon pulls back the mat as this match is a train wreck at this point. With Taker laying on the floor, Jon gets a running start with the casket to ram it into Taker. Granted he was almost under the ring so it actually would have been easy to get out of the way so there we go. Jon goes to his finisher: a cobra clutch. Are you starting to see why this guy was such an epic failure?

Naturally as Taker is put in the casket, he gets an arm out. This needs to end, like NOW. Jon uses a Boss Man Slam which Cole says Taker nailed him with. Yeah they botched that call. The crowd really isn’t that interested either. Jon rolls him to the casket and in the EXACT SAME SEQUENCE, Taker gets out. After a REALLY bad chokeslam, the tombstone finally ends this.

Rating: D-. This was just bad on a lot of levels. There were all kinds of blown spots and the Snitsky and Kane run in was completely pointless. What’s the point in booking Taker in these matches if he never loses them? Jon was supposed to be Taker’s arch rival. That’s just funny. At least this finally ended this awful feud so we don’t have to put up with it anymore. This was really bad.

Ad for Mania.

In the back, Long wants Eddie to give back the number. Eddie’s face is priceless on this. Evolution shows up and demands it back, but Eddie gives it up. He’s also made to give back Flair’s wallet which Flair didn’t know about. Why aren’t these guys ever sued? Anyway, Batista says he needs to go get his number and he’ll be right back. HHH says they have to plan something. Batista says it’ll only take a minute and HHH orders him to stay. This doesn’t go well. Well at least they didn’t try to be subtle.

Christian and Tomko are ready to pick their numbers. He’s happy with it until Cena comes in to a huge pop. They have a battle rap that goes nowhere. The best part is when Christian asks Tomko for a beat and Tomko just says no. Cena makes gay jokes and the crowd pops for no apparent reason.

JBL is champion. Angle wants to be champion. Show wants to be champion. If that’s not validation for a triple threat I don’t know what is.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Kurt Angle vs. JBL

Angle and JBL had a last man standing match on Smackdown apparently so they’re both sore. JBL with the limo was always cool. Show is the odds on favorite apparently. They did a double knock out on Smackdown. This is in the middle of JBL’s reign of doom where he held the belt for almost ten months. They need to get that belt back. It just looks awesome. Apparently there’s a petition to get rid of Teddy Long.

Angle hides on the floor which is a smart idea. They’re broadcasting in New Zealand apparently, so there you go Shadow! Show chops people quite a bit. Show is more or less dominating here. We have steps set up leading to the table which is a bit odd. Show sets for a chokeslam on JBL through it from on top of the steps, but Angle low blows him and a monitor shot puts Show through the table so it’s Angle and JBL at the moment.

The two of them fight it out in the ring to kill some time for Big Show to get back. Geez Show is huge compared to when he was the Giant still. That guy could have carried a company but he had to get all big and fat and slow and it didn’t work at all. Show gets back in and beats both guys up again and looks ready to win, more or less guaranteeing that he won’t. Just as I say that, the others team up to put him down with a combination Clothesline From JBL and chop block.

Show hits a chokeslam but JBL gets the foot on the rope. Show is actually moving with something resembling speed. And there goes the barricade as Show puts JBL through it. We cue up the run ins as Jindrak and Reigns come in to take out Big Show while the Cabinet gets JBL up and gives him a chair.

It isn’t used though as Angle walks into the Clothesline From JBL for the pin to keep the title as the fans boo the heck out of it. They don’t have much to boo about as he got a clean pin. Show got robbed apparently and would get a barbed wire cage match the next month that had a cool ending.

Rating: B. While I hate triple threats, this was pretty good. There was a flow here that you don’t often see in them as they kept one guy down for a good amount of the match in Big Show, which is definitely a good idea given how big he is and that he was the favorite. While it’s no classic, I like this one I think. It’s better than most I’ve seen if nothing else.

Batista won’t get rid of Long via the petition. He threatens Carlito who swallows the apple. In a continuous camera shot we go to the place where numbers are drawn and the GMs are arguing. Apparently Evolution is barred from ringside in the next match and Batista wants to tell HHH. You can see the turn a mile away.

Promo for Mania. It’s the Hollywood one this time.

Ross and Lawler talk about the PPV theme song and the Raw main event for no apparent reason.

We recap it as they had been feuding for months yet they kept going at it anyway. Who would have seen that? Orton allegedly wasn’t allowed to have another shot but of course he’s getting it again here. Orton got cheated out of the title at New Year’s Revolution by Evolution so he gets the shot here. I love how these guys have been feuding for almost five years over a team that existed for all of two years.

Raw World Title: Randy Orton vs. HHH

Orton is the somewhat over face here. He was far more over about 4 months ago but because he was over, HHH was clearly the better choice for the belt than the young, over hotshot that was getting better and more popular every time he got in the ring. Orton goes for an RKO and HHH throws him over the ropes. Why couldn’t it injure him like it did in I think their second last man standing match? Orton used to have this weird style of punches that he’s using here.

I’ve never been able to get into it either. Oh and Orton has a bad knee of course. He swears about 7 times in 5 seconds in a nice touch. Why does something tell me that this will be by far and away the longest match of the night outside of the Rumble? HHH is already using the figure four because he has to be the new Ric Flair in every single way he can be. So we start fast and now HHH has decided to slow things down.

Did I mention that I really hate this match and rivalry? If there’s ever been a guy that has changed so completely over the years, it’s Orton. He’s almost unrecognizable both as far as looks go and the way he works in the ring. It’s a total contrast. Orton is bleeding badly from the lip and looks a lot like Ted DiBiase in that shot. He counters a Pedigree as I just couldn’t care less about this match.

There’s just something that’s always been missing between these two when they got at it and it’s always hurt this match. Granted this is better than most of their future matches, but the problem is already coming clearly here: they want this to be some epic encounter but at the same time, nothing ever comes of it and that’s not a good thing at all. Orton takes a shot to the head and looks like he has a concussion that I think is faked as they keep getting shots of it.

Dang it the referee went down. This match just needs to end and it needs to do so now. It’s hammer time as I’d advise you to make your own jokes. We’ve hit the part of the match that always happens between these two. There comes a point where it’s always about the hammer and not about the wrestling at all. This is where these matches lose it for me as I just freaking don’t care anymore about them.

Why does everything have to follow the same formula of a long match leading up to one moment where the hammer is the key to the whole thing while the referee is down? It always comes to this and it’s just boring to say the least. Also, get some referees that can take a freaking hit. HHH gets the Pedigree and the academic pin to thankfully end this with HHH STILL having the belt.

Rating: D+. This was the same match you’ve seen from these guys a dozen times but with Orton as the face. HHH was clearly going to win and it was to have a title match on the show and nothing more. There was no point to this at all and it just wasn’t interesting whatsoever. HHH and Orton simply can’t have a great match and they need to stop trying like they seem to have done.

Nunzio gets a spot in the Rumble and Angle steals it from him and says it’s his unless Nunzio wants to fight for it. Ok then.

JBL and the Cabinet come into the drawing room celebrating with champagne and Long says there’s a barbed wire cage match at No Way Out. JBL’s face is great here.

Ross and Tazz are doing the commentary for the Rumble again.

Royal Rumble

Eddie is number one and Benoit is number two. Not a bad way to start. Benoit is rocking the teal here. Man Benoit has bad luck as he was first last year. This is borderline chilling when you think about it. Naturally, this is a technical showcase which is what it should be. Daniel Puder, perhaps the most worthless wrestler in a long time, is third. His theme song is Getting Away With Murder. Talk about chilling.

It should be noted that the runner up in the Tough Enough show that Puder won was the Miz. Talk about two different career paths. Geez. Puder gets on the mic and says he’s great. Was there something in the water at that Tough Enough show? Naturally the two former world champions beat the living heck out of him. More or less they just spend the 90 seconds chopping and suplexing the tar out of him as Holly, the rookie hater, is 4th. This should be great.

He gets in and asks if he can have some fun with Puder too. He’s had zero offense. This really is quite funny. Even Holly is over because of this. Think about that for a bit. Holly throws what’s left of him out as Hurricane is 5th. Benoit and Guerrero throw out Holly since he’s useless again to get us down to three. They team up and Eddie tries to throw Benoit out and they’re at it again. Hurricane is out as Kenzo Suzuki, another completely worthless human being is number 6.

This Rumble feels like it hasn’t even gotten started yet and since we’re 1/5 of the way through, that’s not good. Again they double team the other guy until Benoit tries to throw Eddie out. Edge is in at seven. Rey is eighth as nothing at all is happening. Kenzo is out almost immediately. It’s not a good sign at all when you have four world champions in the ring and there’s just nothing going on at all. I mean it’s just boring for some reason.

The Guerrero vs. Mysterio feud was coming soon and it would be Eddie’s next to last major one. Shelton Benjamin, the IC Champion, is number 9. He hadn’t had his big match with Shawn yet to really get him over but it was coming. At this point he was just a guy with untapped potential rather than now as a guy that no one takes seriously with untapped potential. He would finally break out soon after this at MITB at Mania.

Booker takes us to ten as the least successful wrestler out of the 6 in there is Shelton Benjamin. They’re blowing their load too fast here as Tazz messes up by saying that Booker vs. HHH was last year. Benjamin might have gone out but we’re looking at Bischoff who just showed up for no apparent reason. We continue the insane star power in there with Jericho at 11th. He’s WAY over with a huge Y2J chant.

Hey looks here’s Teddy Long as Vince continues the theory of keep pushing the Brand Split until people accept it so you can say it was a good idea. Luther (for admin) Reigns comes in at 12 to break that streak. There are way too many people in there right now. Now we throw every man for himself out the window as Raw and Smackdown get on different sides for four one on one matches that consist of Rey vs. Jericho, Benoit vs. Reigns, Booker vs. Edge and Eddie vs. Shelton.

This is kind of cool but kind of stupid as it’s turning the Rumble into an even bigger gimmick match than it usually is. Muhammad Hassan, the most controversial wrestler perhaps of the millennium, is number 13. Everyone stops cold for this. His manager is more commonly known as Sheik Abdul Bashir in case you didn’t know that. In a humorous bit, everyone jumps him at once to a great pop. Rey gets 619 and then almost everyone picks him up and throws him out as a group. That was great.

Orlando Jordan is number 14 as this needs to stop being so gimmicky. Tazz tries to compare Orlando Jordan to Shelton Benjamin. That’s just amazing. In a TERRIBLE shot, Shelton is choking Jericho with his feet and Jericho has to grab the foot to move it to his throat. It looked terrible. Scotty is number 15, apparently returning from a tumor in his balls or something. Hassan keeps up a tradition of beating up Scotty on his way to the ring. That has to be what, three times?

So for another year, Scotty doesn’t get into the match. Charlie Haas is 16th. How in the world did he get a chick like Jackie Gayda? Booker throws out Luther (for admin) and Orlando with ease. Booker goes for a spinaroonie but Eddie jumps him to put him out. We have Benoit, Guerrero, Shelton, Edge, Jericho, Haas and Rey in there at the moment. In yet another chilling line, Ross says Benoit and Guerrero are still alive.

Rene Dupree and the poodle is seventeenth to insane heat. The World’s Greatest Tag Team reunites for all of a second with Shelton then going for a Stinger Splash, actually called that by Ross, and Edge dumps him. Simon Dean is 18th as the Rumble is legal. While he’s warming up on the floor, Edge throws out Eddie to great heat. Shawn is 19th. He hammers Edge before casually turning around to clothesline Dean out. Eddie gets a huge chant as he leaves.

Ross says that Edge is trying to corner Rey in a corner. Shawn throws out Haas which gets no recognition as Ross thinks it was Dupree. Angle is 20 and he comes in and stays insane since saying going insane wouldn’t make a lot of sense. Shawn misses a superkick but hits the second to put Angle out in a shocker. Angle is MAD. Currently we have Benoit, Edge, Rey, Jericho, Dupree and Shawn in there and they’re joined by the Coach of all people at 21.

This is the thing I hate about rumbles like these: what’s the point of putting him in there? Was there no one else on Raw that could have gone in there at all? I mean you couldn’t throw Lawler in there who at least was a wrestler? Rey almost puts Jericho as Jindrak comes in at 22. Angle runs back in and beats up Shawn and throws him over the top. Shawn is bleeding and apparently is out now, setting up their Mania 21 classic.

Number 23 is Viscera who still has no one that cares about him. At least he’s got a shirt on here. Paul London is 25th and he slides in so fast that he almost goes out the other side. Dupree does that stupid French Tickler dance and Jericho puts him out for it. Cena is 24th to a MASSIVE pop. Tazz likes him way too much.

He was just about to shatter the glass ceiling as he would win the world title at Mania from JBL. He manages to backdrop Viscera to eliminate him. I don’t care if you like Cena or not: he has SCARY strength.

Snitsky is 26th. London jumps him and in a video that’s become popular on the internet for obvious reasons, Gene clotheslines him so hard that London got spun backwards which I don’t think was planned. Kane is 27th, causing Tazz to freak over the way that Ross has to put up with these explosions. As someone that’s been surprised by his pyro, I feel his pain. Kane cleans house of course and there goes Jindrak.

A shirtless Coach tries to jump him but Snitsky saves him. London goes out on a stretcher. Batista is 28th and the pop is epic. They were pushing him to the moon around this time and it clearly was the right decision at the end. There goes Snitsky. Kane continues his tradition of getting beaten up by Batista, this time taking the powerbomb. Batista puts out his third guy by throwing out Jericho.

Christian is 29th, finally with the Just Close Your Eyes theme whose current version I’m completely addicted to. Cena goes off on Edge to show off their future great feud. Cena gets a half F5 half FU to Kane to put him out. Flair is number 30, making the final group Benoit, Edge, Coach, Batista, Cena, Christian, Rey and Flair. So other than Coach, all world champions in some company. Not bad at all. Flair throws Coach to Batista for a spinebuster and Flair throws him out.

There goes Christian. He and Edge were both wearing purple. Benoit and Flair have a chop off. Flair and Batista do the same thing to Benoit that they did to Coach. Flair tries to throw out Batista and it doesn’t go well. Rey and Edge knock Batista down with a double dropkick. Edge puts Flair out and your final four are Edge, Rey, Cena and Batista. Not bad at all. Edge hits a spear on Batista and Cena but Rey avoids it.

619 hits but Rey goes too fast and goes over and a spear puts him on the floor. Batista and Cena put Edge out to get the dream match for the final two. The crowd reacts to this in a great way. This has to headline Mania someday. Cena gets him up for the FU but Batista gets out. Cena is put up for the Batista Bomb but they go out at the same time in an homage to the 94 Rumble. Screw the homage part. It’s the same finish, but to be fair that was 11 years ago so I think it’s ok.

The referees argue over it until Vince comes out. He slides into the ring and hits his legs on the apron, ripping his quads and knees apart. He tries to stand up and just crumples to the ground in agony. Instead of screaming in pain or whatever, he sits on the mat leaning against the ropes and does his thing. Batista clearly is about to lose it. Think about it from his perspective for a minute.

You’re wrestling in the main event of the Royal Rumble, one of the biggest shows on the year and you’re in an angle that’s going to send you to Wrestlemania, and your boss, a billionaire, is sitting on the mat after collapsing and ripping his legs apart, not to mention the epic adrenaline rush you must have just been on. Think about that for a minute or two. Anyway, Fink says Vince ordered the match to be restarted.

This translates into Cena vs. Batista. Shouldn’t that mean Benoit and Guerrero come out again and we do the whole Rumble over? That’s what it sounds like to me. Anyway, Batista throws Cena over and then Cena throws Batista over before this is said which is just stupid, at least from Cena. FU is countered and after a spinebuster, Batista throws him out for the easy win.

Rating: B-. I’ve seen far worse I guess. This match never really seemed to get going for my tastes. Now to be fair while it was clear that Batista was the winner before the match even started, they did have Cena out there as a potential winner along with Edge who was a new main event guy, so at least they tried.

I just couldn’t get into this as there were too many things where the match more or less stopped for something. Also having the huge rush of talent in the first third hurt later parts of the match where those guys could come out. It was good but it could have been a lot better.

Overall Rating: B-. There’s some good stuff and there’s some bad stuff here, but the good is more prolific than the bad here. This was a lot more about changing the guard by launching Batista and Cena into the next level which makes it a bit awkward but that’s ok I think. They were the right choices and this was a great way to do the change. I like the show overall, but the second and fourth matches leave a bit to be desired. Not bad, but don’t expect to be blown away.

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Royal Rumble 2004
Date: January 25, 2004
Location: Wachovia Center, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Attendance: 17,289
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Tazz, Michael Cole, Jonathan Coachman

So another year has passed and the only real change is that Evolution is running wild on Raw. Yeah, HHH is champion again, Benoit is still having great matches but getting nowhere with them, Brock still owns everything he’s in, and the Dudleys are still the only tag team worth anything. The levels of similarity between the two shows astounds me. Oh and Cena is now a face. Yeah that’s all I’ve got.

This really was a show that doesn’t mean much in the history of the company because nothing much happens. Shawn and HHH are going to have another classic in their endless series and Lesnar is having a match with Hardcore Holly of all people. Let that sink in for a bit before we start this up.

Naturally the opening video is about Shawn and HHH, because, you know, they’re more important than the match the show is named after. The whole thing is about roads which is fine but geez, could you be a bit more subtle next time? I didn’t really get what you were trying to talk about here.

Raw Tag Titles: Dudley Boys vs. Ric Flair/Batista

This is in the Evolution period so Flair thinks he’s a Horseman still I guess. It’s a tables match so at least we don’t have to worry about it lasting long. Evolution came in as champions here after having the belts stolen from them a month before. Oh and they’re 17 time champions here. They put Coach through a table on Raw in a pointless segment. Oh blast it they gave Batista a mic. Who thought this was a good idea at this point in his career?

The fight is on in the aisle, and I think Flair is on the verge of bleeding already. In a cool spot, Bubba is on one side of the ring and gets a table out. He slides it across the ring and it hits Batista on the floor on the other side of the ring. That was impressive. Seeing Dave with a lot of hair is just amusing. Flair is told to suck on that by Bubba which is an image I never want again. We go to a completely ranomd shot over the shoulders of the announcers. What the heck was the point of that?

The Dudleys hit that reverse neckbreaker that is always called a 3D by idiotic fans in the crowd. Shockingly, Flair is slammed off the top rope. Coach leaves for no apparent reason as Flair is about to get a 3D. He almost gets the What’s Up but Flair stops it. Batista puts D-Von through a table to end it. That was incredibly pointless.

Rating: C. It’s four and a half minutes long. How much of a rating could I actually give this thing? It was a way to give Evolution a bit more credibility as champions and that’s what it did. They lost them to RVD and Booker a few weeks later but whatever. This was fine for an opener I guess.

We go to the back and I have to take a break for a minute as Josh Matthews looks like a cross between Vanilla Ice and…something not associated with Vanilla Ice. I mean it’s just hilarious. Anyway, he’s with Cena who is a face now but he still raps. RVD interrupts him in a bizarre cameo. Cena was getting there but he wasn’t quite there yet.

We see a chair that’s reserved for Foley. This is in the middle of the angle where he was afraid of Orton and refused to fight him.

Cruiserweight Title: Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble

Talk about two careers that have gone in completely opposite directions since this. Rey comes out first for no apparent reason. If Noble’s music was any more generic it would be off an American Idol winner’s CD. Oh yeah and Nidia, Noble’s girlfriend, has been blinded by Tajiri. It’s a fake, and if that surprises you I have to wonder why you’re here. Apparently Noble has been using her to help him win matches without her knowing about it.

Cole gets in the flat out stupid line of “Nidia looking on”. Cole, you are a plague upon mankind. Even Tazz calls him out for saying something stupid. How bad does that tell you he is? Nidia trips Noble “by mistake” and Rey gets a 619 and drops the dime for the win. Yeah that’s really all that happened. It’s a 3 minute match.

Rating: N/A. There’s more or less nothing here to grade so I can’t do it justice. The angle was stupid though and this is kind of insulting to the crusierweights. They give them 3 minutes for their title? Seriously, what’s the point in even having them out there? This was stupid and is a great example of why this division is considered a freaking joke.

So Chavo can’t stand Eddie because he’s jealous or something stupid like that.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

I put Jr. because Chavo Sr. is with Chavo here. This was right before Eddie turned into the mega face and would become the most overrated wrestler in recent history. Yes Eddie was great, but you would think he was the second coming of Lou Thesz based on how much praise he got all of a sudden. He’s mad over here but still it’s annoying considering they’re still using his name in angles now.

Now in case you didn’t know that they grew up more or less as brothers, they’re going to let you know for the first time in the first two minutes. That should only be mentioned about 15 more times in the match. Oh and apparently Chavo hates Eddie now. I get that we have faces vs. heels, but this pro-Eddie stuff from Cole here is driving me insane. SHUT UP ALREADY. WE GET IT. In a funny spot, Chavo does Eddie’s dance thing and Eddie just flips him off. That was great.

Oh Eddie refuses to punch too. Chavo Sr., who is Eddie’s brother in case you can’t remember the family tree in your head, trips him to give Chavo the advantage. Since Chavo pales in the shadows of Eddie though, that lasts all of a second. Chavo steals Eddie’s sequence of moves, so Eddie follows it up by doing the exact same sequence. This allows for the frog splash to end it. That was just pointless. Eddie follows it up with a long beatdown of both Chavos to fill in some time.

Rating: C+. The wrestling here was quite good, but I still don’t get what was accomplished here. Eddie was just treading water at this point until less than a week later when he was launched into being number one contender for the Smackdown Title in a battle royal. This ended this mini feud so I guess that’s the point it served. I never liked Eddie vs. Chavo for some reason, but the wrestling was very solid.

Buy Mick Foley’s Greatest Hits and Misses. No you really should as it’s a cool set.

Benoit is in the back with Josh Matthews but Flair and Evolution interrupt him. If anyone can explain to me logically why Benoit was never made into the next big star of the Horsemen in WCW, I’ll get you a ham sandwich. They talk about Benoit being unable to win the big one, which more or less gives away the ending to the Rumble.

Since apparently I murdered a baby in a past life or something, we recap Bob Holly vs. Lesnar. It’s an even numbered year so it’s time to push him again. Holly fought Lesnar in 2002 and Lesnar messed up a powerbomb and it broke Holly’s neck. That apparently is what it takes for him to get a title shot. Holly kept jumping Brock and trying to hurt him with a full nelson. Yes, Hardcore Holly is getting a title shot at the Royal freaking Rumble. Just take me now.

Smackdown World Title: Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly

They announce Holly and that this is for the WWE Title and I expect Chimmel to just break up laughing. I mean seriously how could you keep a straight face announcing that? It’s amazing to think that Lesnar would be done with the WWE in three months. Holly jumps him before the match starts so the bell rings while Holly is waiting on Brock to get up. He misses a cross body, meaning that he was in control for all of two seconds of this match.

After that, it’s all Brock. I mean literally, four minutes have passed and Holly has been on defense since then. Tazz and Cole are really trying to make this sound like a legit match. They even say that Holly might be pound for pound the strongest guy in the company. That’s just completely stupid. Hey there’s offense! It’s a head slap and two punches and he’s down again. Also most of this is Brock with Holly on the mat in a hold.

He gets a slightly longer one here, even hitting his finisher, the Alabama Slam (think of a guy going for a sunset flip but not getting over and the guy he’s using it on grabbing his legs and slamming him back down to the mat). Naturally though he doesn’t cover but goes for the stupid submission and since that doesn’t work, the F5 ends this in like 6 minutes.

Rating: D-. This was a squash on PPV for the title. I can get the idea of having a throwaway feud that ends at the Rumble to set up the real feud at Mania, but this was just a waste of time. Serious, HARDCORE HOLLY is the best you can do? You couldn’t throw someone like Cena in there for a quick feud and title match that went 12 minutes or so? Vince loved Holly for some reason and refused to quit pushing him until he finally woke up and fired him.

We’re four matches into a six match card. The longest match so far: Eddie vs. Chavo at eight minutes and three seconds. I know I complain about PPVs being too much like a TV show but this is ridiculous.

HHH and Shawn are getting ready for their title match tonight. Of course it’s seven years in the making despite them feuding extensively since then. Basically this time Shawn had gotten a title shot in his home town and pinned HHH, but his shoulders were down too so HHH kept the belt.

That’s a great match that you should check out which I believe is on the Heartbreak and Triumph DVD. They go through the usual complaining about HHH taking Shawn’s spot after the injury and I want to beat myself with a rock. This highlight package literally goes on for almost four minutes. WE GET IT.

Raw World Title: Shawn Michaels vs. HHH

This is last man standing. From the beginning of the recap package to the bell was about seven and a half minutes. Shawn is finally back to looking like a pro wrestler instead of looking like a tiny man that he was in the Elimination Chamber. What’s the deal with announcers always misusing the word literally? Monsoon said they were literally hanging from the rafters and Lawler says they’re literally beating the heck out of each other. No, not really.

Ross follows that up with a line saying that Michaels made a calculated mistake. I just shake my head and move on. In a shocking turn of events, HHH works on Shawn’s back. Lawler goes on a limb and says that Shawn’s back might be healed SIX YEARS AFTER HE HURT IT. I love how they try to make it sound like Shawn left and then HHH was a big deal the next day. In reality it took about a year for him to get to the big time and another year and the Rock before anyone took him seriously.

Shawn hooks on a figure four and Ross manages to plug the recently released Flair DVD. If anyone has ever been a better or more hardworking salesman than Vince McMahon, I want to meet them and buy something from them. We’re already seeing the problem that exists in every Last Man Standing match: the first fifteen minutes or so mean nothing.

You can go do something else while waiting on that part to end. There will be some decent spots, but it’s simply not going to end during that amount of time. We move to the let’s dodge each other’s finishers which is clichéd but fine I guess.

Shawn goes to the apron and tries a reverse springboard cross body to the floor but eats table in a good looking spot. Since it’s a big match, Shawn is bleeding. I know he emulates Flair but come on now. Hey let’s get a chair since we haven’t had enough violence so far. Naturally Shawn is up in time because we haven’t had the big face comeback yet. In case you can’t tell, I’m not thrilled by this match. It’s ok, but nothing great.

Shawn blocks a Pedigree and slingshots HHH in front of the turnbuckle so HHH can jump to hit the post. Shawn kills him with the chair for an eight or so. Both guys are bleeding. Shawn nips up and the fans are into this if nothing else. He initiates his ending sequence which is just like what Bret Hart would do even though he’s nothing like Bret Hart right?

For the life of me, if Shawn wants to hit a big kick, WHY DOES HE STOMP THE MAT WHILE THE OTHER GUY IS GETTING UP??? That’s just freaking STUPID. Oh come on now. After Shawn gets low blowed, he hooks a sleeper. While it’s psychologically a good move, it’s the best way possible to kill a crowd dead. This match has been 80% punching and chopping.

This match is going on, but all of the clichéd spots like the long double count are just getting annoying. A Pedigree puts Shawn down again. He gets up and since he just took a big finisher he’s able to hit Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere, because you know, that’s perfectly reasonable. This leads to a double count out which gets booed out of the freaking building.

This caused Shawn to be completely ridiculous and consistently demand that he get a title shot and generally coming off like a total whiny little man. This is why Shawn was in the Mania main event, and yes, I think it had a lot to do with HHH making sure that his buddy got to main event ANOTHER Mania and kept him from having to job to Benoit clean, but you’ve heard more than enough rants about that.

Rating: C+. This match felt like it was missing the middle part. It felt like 18 minutes of the feeling out process and then we shifted to the finish for about five minutes. The double count out thing I couldn’t stand but at least they had a plan for these two moving forward.

The problem though is that it’s just Shawn vs. HHH. This feud went on forever and while it’s a big match, it’s been done. That’s the thing: it’s just more of HHH only making his buddy look good instead of just allowing him to lay down for Benoit at Mania like he should have. It’s not bad, but once you think about it the match loses some luster.

We go to a long video package about the Rumble, mainly focusing on Benoit which completely gives away the winner. He’s number one and Goldberg is number 30. Yeah that’s about it.

Austin, Heyman and Bischoff get together. Hilarity ensues.

Brock and Goldberg look at each other. I think Goldberg wants to go get some coffee.

Royal Rumble

As mentioned, Benoit is first and Orton is number 2. Tazz and Ross are doing the commentary tonight and Orton is the IC Champion here. These two would headline Summerslam in about 7 months in a great match which led to Orton’s horribly botched face turn. GEEZ Orton looks different here as he more or less was all clean cut like some college kid. Compare that to what you see now and you’ll be amazed.

I’m not sure if I like this style of the Rumble. I like having bigger names in at the beginning, but they couldn’t have made it clearer that Benoit was winning if they put the WM 20 poster on the mat for this. I like these hard hitting people if nothing else. Henry is 3rd as I think the intervals are two minutes or so. Teddy Long is managing Henry here which means more or less nothing. After about a minute, Tajiri is 4th. I know this because there’s a graphic in the corner that says Tajiri 4th.

He and Benoit do some sweet looking technical stuff. Bradshaw is 5th and somehow he would be world champion in 6 months. He clotheslines everyone but Benoit who pulls him into a crossface. Bradshaw picks him up and tries to dump him but Benoit holds on and pulls Bradshaw out. Rhyno is 6th here as the intervals are actually staying pretty close to accurate here.

Tajiri puts Henry in the Tarantula but Rhyno gores Henry to knock Tajiri out. That’s actually pretty creative and I liked it. Benoit puts Henry out by just running into him a few times to a solid pop. It was bigger last year but we’re not going to speak of that. Oh Henry took some mist according to a replay to cause him to be in the Tarantula. Matt Hardy is seventh. We now have Benoit, Orton, Rhyno and Hardy in there. Hardy is a face here I think. Yeah he’s getting pops.

I just don’t think he means anything as a singles guy, which would date this show as sometime between 2001 and the present. The two successful singles guys and the two lesser so successful singles guys are together. In at eight is Scott Steiner who means more or less nothing at this point. He dominates for the most part with amazingly enough, more suplexes. In an amusing moment, Benoit is just like boy please and starts throwing Steiner around with them.

Ross points out something interesting by saying that no one in this Rumble has won before. Again, that’s the point of an announcer. Lines like that can do a lot as far as elevating a match. Number 9 is MATT FREAKING MORGAN! They know he’s awesome even here where he’s been around all of a few months. Even WWE bills him as 7’0 tall even though he’s about 6’8. He puts Benoit down with a huge power bomb though.

They refer to him as a rookie here so he hasn’t been around long. I know he came out of nowhere at SS 03 and then left around Mania before coming back as Carlito’s bodyguard. Hurricane is tenth. Morgan throws him out in a few seconds and he lands really badly on his leg and might be legit hurt. He almost puts out Hardy who makes a nice save.

Morgan just looks at him while he comes back in which just looks stupid. Booker is 11th and is apparently a favorite to win this? He has a bad rap version of his theme song. He and Steiner go at it and we get a WCW reference. Benoit and Morgan just sounds like a TNA dream match. Ross says that Benoit is still alive somehow. That’s a creepy line. Morgan has shrunk to 6’10 apparently but grows back to 6’11 before Kane is in at 12.

Steiner goes out off camera thanks to Booker. Morgan either has lifts in his shoes or something is weird about his height as he’s almost Kane’s size. They do a smart thing though and spin the camera angles a lot while they’re fighting though. As a recap, we have Benoit, Orton, Rhyno (who gores Hardy as I say that for his first noticeable anything in about 10 minutes), Hardy, Morgan, Booker and Kane.

Of those seven, three would be in TNA within four years. That’s either saying a lot or nothing at all and I’m not sure which. Kane is the only person up as the clock goes down to zero. The lights go out and a gong sounds. To say the crowd pops is an understatement. Kane had buried Taker alive (again) back at Survivor Series. Only in wrestling would that make perfect sense.

That had ended the biker gimmick as Taker would come back as the Dead Man at Mania to face Kane in a glorified squash match. Kane is distracted and Booker puts him out. Spike comes out as number 13 and never gets in the ring. You figure out why not. Rikishi is in at 14 after about a minute of waiting. Benoit puts out Rhyno as Rikishi gets in. Morgan gets a stink face as he must be counting the days to getting to TNA. Tazz mentions that Benoit is hanging in there, which sent a chill up my spine.

Less than 75 seconds later, Renee Dupree is number 15. He actually puts Matt Hardy out with relative ease. That’s surprising if nothing else. Rikishi puts him out a few seconds later. A-Train is in at 16 as he must be about gone from the company at this point. Yeah he would be gone in November after getting hurt in the summer. Benoit puts Morgan out. Orton puts out Booker and Rikishi in about 15 seconds. That’s not bad at all.

Benoit puts out A-Train just as Shelton gets in at number 17. A-Train goes over the ropes and to the floor, and Tazz says that he thinks A-Train is out and I shake my head. Orton puts out Shelton and we’re back to where we started out. Both are down as a guy in a fake afro comes out to introduce Ernest Miller at 18. This was one of the dumbest signings ever as Miller was barely over in WCW so he got hired here for no apparent reason.

Anyway, after dancing badly for a bit, Orton puts him out. In a very funny moment, Benoit tries to throw out Lamont, the guy that did the introduction but as he runs him to the ropes to throw him, just the hair goes off. It’s a lot better than it sounds. Angle is 19th to a HUGE pop. This is kind of a dream trip in there really. Naturally he and Benoit beat the tar out of each other.

Rico, now in his full gay stage, is 20th. Tazz sums him up in one line: you have to be as tough as Rico to wear those pants in the Royal Rumble. Rico was a guy that never got a fair shake as a wrestler. He was chained down by his gimmick and no one could ever take him seriously. If nothing else though, I’ve never heard a single bad thing about him and before and after wrestling he was a police officer in Nevada where he graduated at the top of his class both times.

Like him or not, that’s very impressive. Orton hits an RKO on him and puts him out. As Benoit and Angle beat even more heck out of each other, Test is 21st as no one cares. Main reason no one cares is he’s not here. Orton hits an RKO on Angle as we cut to the back where Test is out cold. Austin, who was sheriff or something like that at the time yells at someone we can’t see that they’re now number 21 as it was apparently the guys that did this to Test.

Austin sounds like Christian Bale from Dark Knight. It’s Mick Foley as the roof is completely gone after being blown off by his music. This was during an angle where Foley was afraid of Orton and refused to fight him on Raw back in December so he left the company. Ross says he knew Foley wasn’t a coward. The look on Orton’s face is absolutely perfect as he’s scared to death. Foley beats the living tar out of him and a Cactus Clothesline puts both of them out.

Foley beats on him even more on the floor as Christian is number 22. Oddly enough ECW is on at the moment and he’s in the main event (shocking isn’t it?). Orton is just getting killed by Foley this whole time. Scratch that he’s coming back with a SICK chair shot to Mick’s head. They fight up the entry way as they set up Rock and Foley vs. Evolution at Mania and the EPIC hardcore match at Backlash.

If you haven’t seen the Backlash match, go get Mick Foley’s Greatest Hits and Misses and check that match out. It’s a great DVD too. The final disc has four Foley matches on it where you can pick between original commentary or Foley and Joey Styles which is a cool idea. Nunzio is 23rd but he walks into Socko on the ramp. We haven’t seen anything in the ring for about a minute and a half at this point, but in this case it’s ok. The crowd is WAY into this.

Orton runs away and Foley staggers after him. Nunzio (Little Guido for you ECW fans) sits at ringside while everyone else fights in the ring. Tazz makes fun of Christian wearing pink tights. Ross says some great Canadians have worn pink tights which shuts Tazz up FAST. Big Show is in at 24. He’s finally back in normal looking tights which I couldn’t be happier about. Again, Ross says something very insightful: Yoko and Studd were both #24 when they won.

See, again, that’s something no one would ever pick up on and it offers something to think about. That’s the sign of a great announcer. Jericho is number 25. We have far too high of a Canadian to American ratio in there. Haas is in at 26th. Nunzio is still sitting outside. Jericho puts out Christian for the second year in a row apparently. Billy Gunn is 27th and is apparently returning.

Why in the world is he getting a pop? I just don’t get it. He gets a Fameasser on both Angle and Show which Ross points out is a bad idea because you have to have Show up to put him out. Ross stays on fire tonight by pointing out that number 27 has produced the most winners in history. Even Tazz says Ross is on a roll tonight.

Cena is number 28 to a solid pop. He would win his first title, the US, at Mania over Show who he’s feuding with at the moment. He puts Nunzio into the ring but gets jumped by the Italian and Show. Show slaps Nunzio on the back and Tazz says that’ll shake your hips for you. Where in the world did that come from??? RVD is 29th and we know Goldberg is 30th. Cena hits the FU on Angle.

Your final grouping as Goldberg comes in: Benoit, Haas, Nunzio, Angle, Show, Jericho, Gunn, Cena, RVD and Goldberg. That’s a pretty sweet grouping when you think about it. Of the ten in there, you have four former world champions and three that would be champion in the future. That’s not bad at all. Goldberg destroys everyone in sight and throws out Haas. There goes Gunn. Nunzio is out. He sets to Jackhammer Big Show and here’s Brock to mess that up.

He nails Goldberg and then Angle throws him out during the stare down. If either guy was staying at Mania, that could have been EPIC. We’ve got six now. Show gets the Andre treatment which doesn’t work at all. Everyone keeps beating on him and then they realize they screwed up because he’s out cold and weighs 500lbs.

Ok, I get that he’s dead weight, but Angle has freakish strength and RVD holds a world record for a dead lift while doing the splits, yet five grown professional wrestlers can’t get him up? Show just goes insane and puts out Cena and RVD. Jericho shows his intelligence and gets the Walls of Jericho on Show. Show puts him out with one arm to just show off. The final three are Angle, Benoit and Show.

If nothing else they’ve saved the best guys for the ending. Angle hits an Angle Slam on Show which never stops being impressive. Benoit takes one that’s close to it but not quite. Show gets a chokeslam but Angle rolls through it into an ankle lock and Show taps again.

In an awesome looking sequence, Show is in the ankle lock and climbs up the ropes, then he kind of rolls forward over them to pull Angle out, because Angle couldn’t you know, LET GO OF HIS FREAKING LEG or something like that. Benoit rolls through a chokeslam with the most basic counter there is to it and continues his streak of being the only guy in history to consistently work on the right arm of an opponent.

Show taps again. That’s a nice bit of continuity there as all three submission guys manages to get him to tap but it means nothing. I like it though as it shows they’ve at least thought this out a bit. It’s so simply yet it ties the match together and shows that while Jericho and Angle are both great, they’re not as great as Benoit as only he gets rid of Show in the end. That’s a nice little touch and it works so well.

Show is in that thing for at least thirty seconds too so that has to hurt. Show breaks it with a similar counter to what Bradshaw did earlier. Benoit breaks the hour mark. Show, with his handlebar mustache, gets Benoit in a gorilla press but Benoit shifts into a chancers (DDT grip with the arm held also) to pull Show over the ropes and in a cool looking finish gets enough leverage to get him out.

That’s a perfect ending as Benoit didn’t use power or some contrived move. He did what he does best: got a hold on Show and used leverage to get him out. That’s textbook Benoit and it’s the only way he should have won this. The pop is great and for smarks everywhere, this was a perfect moment.

Rating: A. This was a great Rumble for multiple reasons. First of all, Benoit wasn’t focused on until the very end, which made it far less obvious that he was going to be the winner. He blended into the background, which helped him out a lot here. In the 92 Rumble where Flair more or less went wire to wire, he was the focus of the match. Here, Benoit was mentioned but it was far more casual. Second, the ending 6 or so were awesome.

There were a bunch of people there that could have won. Angle winning wouldn’t have surprised anyone I don’t think, and Show is always a legit contender in something like this. This match went very well and while it may not have been great, it was very fun. That’s the best way to describe it: fun.

Overall Rating: C+. The Rumble is the only thing here worth much.  Look back at the show and see what else you have. The tag title match is a squash, the Cruiserweight title match is 3 minutes long, Eddie vs. Chavo is ok at best, Hardcore Holly got a title shot, and Shawn and HHH had a decent but far from great match with a bad ending. Then you have a great Rumble. That’s not a lot to go on really.

The part that kills it for me is HHH and Shawn being the only other match longer than eight and a half minutes. Seriously, you couldn’t chop off 6 minutes of that and give three each to the first two matches? Overall, the show isn’t much at all, but the Rumble is great.

I won’t really recommend it as a lot of this stuff felt like it was from a 3 hour special or something. This wasn’t much, but the Benoit Rumble win is great stuff. You won’t find a better example of someone being launched into the main event than that right there. Definitely check that out, but other than that take a pass.

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Royal Rumble 2003
Date: January 19, 2003
Location: Fleet Center, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 15,338
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, Tazz

The Brand Split is upon us. That’s the main difference here. The other would be the level of talent in the main events for both shows. On Raw, we have HHH vs. Scott Steiner. On Smackdown, we have Angle vs. Benoit. This show might set the all time record for biggest gap between the two main events as far as quality goes. The Raw main event was considered a complete disaster while the Smackdown one is considered an all time classic.

Other than that, the main thing is one Brock Lesnar, who has taken wrestling by storm. Shawn’s back as well, so the roster is actually pretty freaking stacked around this time. They’re still getting the hang of the Brand Split as it’s only been around about 7 months. This is the first Rumble in what I guess you would call the modern WWE era, so we’ll see what happens. Oh and Cena and Batista are here now too.

This is the first Brand Split show so it’s 15 Raw guys and 15 Smackdown guys. We get the standard wanting to go to Mania promos, but this one worked better than the others for some reason. They’re keeping it low key, and then we hear from Scott Steiner to mess it up. They really play up the Road to Mania thing here, which is the best way to go. This really is the way to get things going that way and it worked perfectly. It’s so weird to see PS2 as a new product being the sponsor for this.

No buildup or anything as we get to the opening match.

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

Yep, this is what’s starting the show: a rematch from Survivor Series as the winner is in the Rumble later tonight. Well ok then. Lesnar is now a face and therefore incredibly popular. Seriously though, why in the world is this opening a show? Why didn’t this main event a Smackdown or something? This is the first rematch between the two since Heyman turned on Lesnar to get the title off of him.

Big Show has a Hogan like mustache and is still wearing the horrible looking attire. I hate that. Stunning no one, it’s a power match to start us out. Lesnar really was a freaking terrifying man as he throws Show over with a decent belly to belly. I say decent in the sense that it really was crap but considering who he’s doing it to, it’s very impressive.

Pretty much, this is the match: Lesnar does an impressive power move, Show takes over with slow and generic offense, Lesnar hits a power move, Heyman interferes, Show takes over again. In other words, it’s the exact same thing that they did at Survivor Series. To be fair though, what else can they do? I mean you really have to see what Show was like to appreciate how awful he was at this time.

I mean he was just so freaking broken down and slow that he’s putting me to sleepy. I mean really, I can barely keep my eyes open. Dang it why is the sun….see what I mean? The previous sentence was written at 1237am and this is now 740am. I slept all freaking night because of a Big Show match and I wasn’t even tired! He actually sucks that much life out of an audience. But hey, he’s a huge guy so obviously he needs to be pushed right?

Brock is set for a chokeslam, but gets a SWEET counter by rolling over and taking Show down with him. It sounds kind of lame but trist me, this looked awesome. It was like an arm drag without the arm if that makes sense.

Anyway, now that that’s happened, Lesnar gets Heyman on his shoulders for an F5 but he takes a chokeslam instead. He naturally kicks out and Show’s face is kind of funny. In a very abrupt ending, Lesnar runs Show into Heyman and hits an F5 for the pin. Yes it sucked but consider the size of the guy he’s using it on.

Rating: D. Again, this was like the Survivor Series match: Lesnar does all the work, Show gets a paycheck to buy his daily ham with. This is easily the worst Show ever got as he just flat out didn’t care at this point so he relied on his size and generic offense to get him through a match. This was about six and a half minutes, which is still two longer than their world title match from Survivor Series. That’s a bit sad.

Jericho says he’ll win the Rumble. He also beat Rock and Austin in one night.

Raw Tag Titles: Dudleys vs. William Regal/Lance Storm

As you can see the tag titles are more or less dead here. The Dudleys are only 15 time tag champions at the moment. This is the Unamericans phase for the heels. Raw is in the Dunkin Donuts Center tomorrow in X’s home town apparently. Bubba hooks a freaking weird looking leg lock on Storm. It was like a combination of a figure four and a Sharpshooter but he was standing the whole time.

I’ve never seen that before and of all people Bubba freaking Ray Dudley used it. You learn something new every time. Apparently Vince wants tables tonight so there we are. We’re just about to the point where Austin would come back to beat up on Bischoff and then lose to Rock at Mania before becoming co-GM for the summer. That was just kind of sad as Austin was just not what he used to be at this point.

In case you’re wondering where in the world that came from, JR is talking about how Bischoff is in hot water on Raw for being boring according to Vince. This is your run of the mill TV match if I’ve ever seen one. That’s the issue with the Brand Split and the consolidation of the rosters of ECW and WCW onto one show: there simply isn’t time for PPV level matches on PPVs and that’s hurting the product.

The only thing PPV level about this match is the ending as Regal is about to take a 3D and Chief Morely (Val Venis), who was the deputy authority figure at this time, comes out to argue with the referee. Regal gets some brass knucks from somewhere but D-Von steals them. We get REALLY confusing here as Ross can’t tell Bubba and D-Von apart as he says Bubba has the knucks.

This messes Lawler up to no end as he was sure that D-Von had them (which was true) but Ross says Bubba has them about 5 times. Lawler keeps asking if Ross is sure and that he’s confused. I know a lot of people get on Lawler today, but this was all on Ross. After the match Ross wakes up and realizes that Bubba has apparently gotten skinnier, shorter and one heck of a tan and has changed his name to D-Von. The massive celebration ends this.

Rating: C. This is the epitome of average. It could have come off of any Raw throughout the year or any weak PPV. There was nothing at all here that set this apart from any other tag title match at all. The Dudleys are 16 time tag champions. See the problem there? It’s still Dudleys feud with the team of the month before getting the titles back for a “big moment”. It’s very sad that the belts have somehow gotten even more worthless.

We oddly go to an Australian newscast as apparently I’ve taped over….oh it’s Nathan Jones coming. Never mind. Can we go back to the Australian news that means absolutely nothing to me but is far more entertaining? And yes, somehow this clueless putz managed to get together with the Undertaker at Mania of all things. This is a great example of Vince being blinded by big men.

Cole has an insanely bad looking mustache.

We recap the AWFUL Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie feud. This is the infamous one where Dawn married Torrie’s father and blackmailed Torrie into having a lesbian affair with her in order to keep them from getting married. I said it was infamous, I never said it wasn’t insanely hot.

Soon after they got married anyway and they went on their honeymoon and she screwed him to death. As in they had a funeral segment. No one ever actually pointed out what Dawn got out of this other than ticking off Torrie. This is apparently stepdaughter vs. stepmother. Yes, it’s that stupid.

Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie

I have to give it to Tazz and Cole: they actually keep straight faces when doing the commentary here. Dawn is wearing a veil for crying out loud. The only reason for this was to have the women wear hot outfits and kiss once. Of all things, Lillian Garcia sang Torrie’s theme song. If she was even the slightest bit credible, that would be awesome. The fans are a bit bored to say the least.

They’ll pop for a catfight but as a legit big time feud this is just a failure. You can tell the girls have no real rhythm and are having to think their way through every single step of every single move. They’re botching a LOT in this too. The crowd is about as dead as Carlito’s career here too. Torrie wins with a bad neckbreaker to prove absolutely nothing at all.

Rating: DD. That’s of course what this match was about. Torrie and Dawn were both grieving and crushed, but they managed to find tight outfits to wrestle in. Yeah one girl is responsible for the other’s father’s death and they blame each other for it, so let’s have a bad wrestling match to settle this. What was the point of this supposed to be again? Whatever it was it failed.

Stephanie and Bischoff, the current GMs run into each other in the back. They run off this kid with curly hair that looks awful and the guy can’t talk to save his life. His name is Randy Orton. Evolution would officially form in 15 days, on my 15th birthday no less. Anyway, they hint that they both have big surprises coming. Bischoff’s was Austin and I think Stephanie’s was Hogan returning.

Sean O’Haire does a promo of what would have been an excellent gimmick if they hadn’t put him with Piper and had him job to Rikishi of all people.

In case you thought anything had changed in the last 15 minutes, Nathan Jones is STILL coming to the WWF.

We recap Scott Steiner vs. HHH. This had big mistake written all over it as Steiner was just a total musclehead that cut insane promos. Steiner had been a free agent and demanded a title shot guaranteed or he would go to Smackdown. HHH set up a bunch of contests where Steiner kept winning. So that’s where MVP and Matt Hardy stole that horrible story from.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Scott Steiner

This just screams bad idea to me for some reason. HHH is wearing red tights and they just don’t look right at all. Steiner gets a lukewarm reaction at best. We get the big match introductions from Earl so that’s always fun. Steiner throws weird punches. It’s like he hits HHH in the head with his wrist or something like that. Scott does everything with his arms. It’s either punches or clotheslines or slams, but everything is based around his arms. That can’t be a good sign.

I know HHH uses his knees a lot, but he adds in some other stuf too to balance that out. Steiner is dominating here early on in the match. He’s working the back over which at least makes sense given his finisher. To shock me just a bit, Steiner throws in a kick. Yeah it was just one and now it’s back to arm moves. Steiner goes to a bearhug because he’s tired 7 minutes into a match. He mixes his stuff up with a belly to belly overhead suplex.

HHH is more or less getting dominated here. He reverses an Irish Whip (notices it’s another arm based move from Steiner) into the steps to buy some time. The fans are somewhere between dead and annoyed here. It’s just Steiner doing generic stuff while allegedly being a big time challenger to HHH. It’s like a match where the whole thing is made up of the middle of a match where one guy is wearing the other down.

The problem is they’ve been doing that for ten minutes now. The crowd pops a bit for a near Pedigree but there is NO reaction on a slingshot from Steiner. Steiner is just winded beyond belief after a relatively basic and simple match. He botches the selling of what was supposed to be I think a spinning neckbreaker and it turns into more or less a Diamond Cutter.

And now we reach the period where this match is infamous for being AWFUL. Steiner more or less gives up and just does nothing but overhead belly to belly suplexes, clotheslines, and punches. I mean that’s ALL he does. It’s like on the old N64 WWF games where the fans would boo if you did the same moves over and over again.

See, a guy like Benoit or Tazz uses a lot of suplexes because they have a great set up to get there and it wears out the opponent’s neck for their finishing submissions. Here, Steiner uses so many of them because it’s all he’s got. Also, those two others I mentioned MIXED THEIR OFFENSE UP. Tazz had what, 4 or 5 different kinds of suplexes he would use? And how often did he use the same one in a row?

Steiner has used four inside of 30 seconds. That’s four overhead belly to belly suplexes mind you. It’s cool if you do it once, but at this point it’s just dumb, and in a city like Boston, they’re not going to stand for this. He uses ANOTHER, then does that traditional one that he does where he spins to hit it. The fans are DEAD and bordering on angry here.

They’re more or less looking for a reason to just completely go insane here and there it is. Steiner goes for that butterfly powerbomb that he does (again, mainly arm work) and trips over his own feet and HHH lands on Steiner’s boots. There they go. Just to further tick the fans off, HHH and Flair try to leave. They just don’t get that the fans are completely hating this match and they keep extending it further and further.

This match feels like it could go another ten minutes, but if that happens they’re going to riot. HHH is bleeding and no one cares. A sixth, count it sixth overhead belly to belly and the fans are just done. Ross is making cracks about them too as he’s annoyed and wanting this to end. Hey, we’ve got nothing at all going here, so let’s go fight in the crowd! The referee refuses to count though as apparently HHH is intentionally trying to get counted out.

I think he’s thinking he wants to save his career while Steiner just doesn’t get it. Just to further infuriate the crowd, Steiner does pushups. HHH throws the referee out of the ring but as he goes to call for the DQ he intentionally stops because he won’t let HHH escape like that. Ok, there’s furthering an angle and then there’s realizing when the match just needs to die. At least five times now this match should have ended, but either due to Steiner or Hebner or HHH’s stupidity, it won’t just end.

Seriously, you’re getting NOTHING positive from the crowd, the match is repetitive, and Steiner can barely walk because he’s so spent, but they keep going anyway. HHH tries to punch the referee, but Steiner stops him with a standing senton corkscrew moonsault. It’s really an impressive move. He’s just such a master of wrestling and working a crowd that he makes you believe it was another belly to belly suplex.

HHH hits a low blow and rolls up Steiner but Suplex Magee over there kicks out anyway. It’s sledgehammer time and a shot from that brings the booing to a new level of intensity as after 18 minutes of torment like that we get a stupid DQ finish.

Steiner’s thong is sticking out of his tights as he no sells sledgehammer shots and beats up HHH with it to nothing but booing. He puts the Recliner on him as Ross mentions the words rematch and there being no way out of the hold, meaning the inevitable rematch is going to happen next month. Steiner poses forever before we get ready for the Smackdown Title match.

Rating: G-. This is another match where you have to wonder what the heck Vince was on when he booked it. I mean seriously, had he seen any Steiner matches from the last 5-6 years? Why in the world would he expect this to be anything resembling good?

The styles just completely clashed and it had WAY too much time. If you hack 8-10 minutes out of this mess, it MIGHT be passable. But no, instead we get nearly 20 minutes of this mindless nonsense because everyone hated it so it must have been great.

We recap Angle vs. Benoit, which is the match that I’ve wanted to get to more than any other in Rumble history. Angle is flanked by Haas and Benjamin at this point as Team Angle. Lesnar had cost Big Show the title at Armageddon ending the month long reign of doom that Show was tormenting us with. Heyman is Angle’s manager apparently, and screwed Show out of the belt or something like that.

Lesnar is apparently banned from getting a title shot (except for at Mania of course), and he introduces Team Angle (Benjamin and Haas) as his insurance. Benoit beats Big Show to get the title shot with all kinds of sick counters. This was just shy of a dream match as both guys were probably at their best level ever as far as in ring abilities. Think about that for a second.

Smackdown World Title: Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle

This is Angle’s first title defense apparently. Team Angle tries to jump Benoit and get thrown out. Naturally this is more or less a chess match to start. It’s like a feeling out process at 80 miles an hour as it’s nothing but counters and reversals that no one else could pull off. Cole manages to get the word scuttlebutt in. That’s impressive. Angle might be faking a knee injury here but we’re not sure.

Benoit keeps going for a Sharpshooter, showing of course great psychology as Angle’s knee is hurt. Did you expect anything else from him? The fans are clearly more into this as they’re popping at the right times and while they’re no on their feet or anything, you can just feel that they’re interested in this match. A key thing to notice early in the match: no one is getting a long term advantage.

Benoit is in control for the most part, but Angle is getting in little spurts of offense, which shows that he’s still in this. Benoit an AWESOME move as they’re fighting on the apron and Benoit hooks a DDT onto the apron and lands on his feet on the floor. It looked sick. The headbutt misses though and we’re back to Angle being in control. See how that’s better than what Steiner and HHH did?

Benoit takes over again a few seconds later, but Angle took over just for a bit. It keeps things interesting because at some point, Angle is going to get the advantage and keep it for awhile, unlike Steiner who dominated about 80% of the match earlier. Benoit gets the Sharpshooter and the crowd pops for it. That’s a great sign. Angle gets the ropes though and it’s becoming clear to me why the crowd isn’t that into most of what’s going on: they just know it’s not ending this early.

I remember reading in one of Foley’s books where he said that in the Cell match with HHH the fans were more or less lifeless for his early covers and the times when HHH was covering him. It finally occurred to him that the fans knew that the match wasn’t going to end without them getting out of the cage and without a huge spot. And indeed, they broke the cage open and the crowd lost it. Angle hits a beautiful belly to belly overhead.

It wasn’t sloppy and Benoit had to do little other than tuck his head in. Angle popped his hips and sent Benoit flying. That was great. Cole says that Angle is a member of the Grand Slam club, meaning he’s held all singles titles. Can Cole ever just get something right? Angle launches another belly to belly, but notice a few things: he did something different in between, and he’s up and ready to do something else afterwards.

There’s why this is fine and what Steiner did wasn’t. Angle throws one and pops up to fight some more. Steiner does it and then does it again and again. It’s just stupid looking. Angle hooks a rear naked choke, which is just an odd name if there’s ever been one.

The key to it not being boring though is Benoit keeps fighting to try to get out of it. That’s keeping something going in there during the boring part of the match, which keeps the fans at least somewhat into it. They’re hanging on by a thread but it’s better than having to completely reset everything and start from scratch. It’s little things like that which keeps a match better than others.

All of a sudden Benoit just cranks it up and suplexes the heck out of Angle. The fans respond to it as this is a textbook example of a slow build. They started really slowly and built the intensity slowly and the crowd was with them every step of the way. They’ve got the crowd completely into this and that’s how it’s done. See what cardio can do for your match? Benoit gets the Crossface and everyone in view of the camera jumps to their feet and the flashbulbs go off. That’s how you do it.

In case you can’t tell, I’m loving this match. Angle gets the ropes so Benoit puts the ankle lock on him. Angle reverses into his own ankle lock and we go into an insane series of counters that Benoit gets the Crossface again from. You can tell they’re thinking every step of the way here and have a lot of this mapped out.

On the third Crossface attempt, which very oddly is on the right arm instead of the left (go back and find me ten instances in history of a guy working on the right arm. I doubt they exist.), Angle gets an Angle Slam out of nowhere for a long two. The fans are all over this. It’s not so much an excited thing but rather in awe of what they’re seeing. Angle goes Olympic by pulling the straps down and the ankle lock goes on again.

Naturally it’s countered into a complicated technical move that Benoit hooks a rollup with. You can tell the fans are way into this as they pop huge for every cover or submission attempt. That’s a very good thing when they realize that it doesn’t take a finisher to end a match. Benoit throws another German so hard that Angle lands on his face. That’s impressive. Cole and Tazz try to figure out who has the momentum at various times. That’s saying a lot.

Benoit gets the headbutt from the top onto the back of Angle’s head which must hurt. Angle gets control again and sets for a powerbomb but falls backwards to send Benoit’s head into the top turnbuckle. Another Angle Slam gets two as the fans have no clue who to cheer for. Benoit gets his FIFTH Crossface of the match.

Again, the difference here: the fans are responding to this because the guys are clearly working very hard out there while Steiner and HHH had no clue what they were doing. Angle somehow rolls over and grabs Benoit’s ankle. I have no idea what to call what he just did, but more or less he rolled backwards onto Benoit and got the arms free to grab the ankle. In case you can’t tell, THIS MATCH IS FREAKING AMAZING.

Benoit counters AGAIN and Angle just goes off. He grabs the ankle and cranks on it. Benoit tries to get out but Angle holds on and gets the leg lock. Benoit is in agony and finally tape, more out of frustration than pain though. That’s a nice little touch there as it makes Benoit look like he got caught rather than defeated. Angle is carried off by Haas and Benjamin.

Rating: A+. This was just flat out awesome stuff on about 1,000 different levels. Considering what happened before this match as in the Steiner HHH mess, this was that much better. This right here is proof that at the end of the day, two guys that are technically sound can go out there and just be awesome. You don’t need to weigh 275 and be able to bench press 500lbs to have a good match or be a star.

These two stole the freaking year out there. After a very random Anthology ad, (oddly enough on some versions it’s Anthology (which was a WWE music compilation of songs from over the years, meaning this was epic to old school fans) on some versions and Rebellion on some others. That’s incredibly peculiar) we go back to the arena where the fans give Benoit a standing ovation as he leaves.

And that means it’s time for a rant. This is a prime example of why HHH is such a hated man in the business. What do I mean by that? Well let’s take a look. HHH vs. Steiner got absolutely booed out of the freaking building. I mean they were getting heat the likes of which you just don’t see anywhere else. Angle keeps the title and was destined to go on to Mania to face Brock.

It’s fairly clear right now that Benoit is ready to be a world champion. He’s got everything he needs and the fans are totally behind him. He wouldn’t get the belt for another 15 months. HHH would hold onto his title until SEPTEMBER when he dropped it to Goldberg. He got it back three months later and finally lost it to Benoit in a triple threat match at Mania 20.

Yes HHH tapped to him, but he made sure that Shawn was there too so that he could say he didn’t lose cleanly, even though he lost cleanly. He beat Booker in a throwaway match at Mania while Benoit was teaming with Rhyno of all people and losing a tag title match on the same show. He would go on to feud with the FBI and Cena before the US Title came back.

Yeah the IC and US Titles were retired for about a year in some stupid idea Vince had that there should be one champion per brand. I’ll stand by my theory that HHH was behind it because the midcard was great at the time and he wanted to make sure no one on Raw stole the show again. Anyway, Benoit somehow got even hotter around the fall and they FINALLY pushed him to the title at Mania.

However, what does HHH do after Benoit wins the title? He feuds with his old buddy Shawn Michaels, leading to a Hell in a Cell match which AGAIN overshadows Benoit’s title match. HHH gets the next PPV title shot and AGAIN there’s interference in the end. Benoit wins, but he still doesn’t pin HHH clean. The next PPV was Summerslam where Benoit lost the title and HHH won it a month later.

In other words, Benoit was kept from going up to the main event scene where he belonged in 2003 and then in 2004, HHH made sure the spotlight was at least partially on him and that Benoit, who was and always will be the better wrestler, was made to look like a second tier player, even though he was world champion. While Benoit was having matches with the FBI and Cena who he was making to look like a star, HHH was having matches with Goldberg, Steiner and Nash.

The fans hated him, but he kept the belt all summer long because there clearly was no other option. Yeah go ahead HHH defenders: tell me he had nothing to do with it. I want to see you try to defend him here.

RVD and Kane, still in his mask, say they’ll do whatever they need to in order to win.

Royal Rumble

The intervals are two minutes this year. Shawn is #1 and Jericho is #2, both of which we knew coming into this. Ross changes the intervals to 90 seconds. Well ok then. It amuses me that Jericho has changed everything about himself yet he keeps his music. Not sure why but that amuses me. Anyway, Christian does Jericho’s entrance as Jericho sneaks through the crowd and gets Shawn with a low blow.

Jericho beats on Shawn for awhile and then repeats it with a chair to bust Shawn open. Oh dang it’s a good one too. Christopher Nowitski, more commonly known as the Harvard guy, is 3rd. He could have been a decent midcard heel if he hadn’t gotten hurt. It’s still good to have a Harvard grad on your payroll though. Jericho puts Shawn out with relative ease after he was beaten on so badly. Mysterio, who was just past being a rookie at this point, is 4th.

His knees weren’t a mess at this point so he’s still the best high flying wrestler of all time. For some reason Ross and Lawler are calling the whole match. That’s yet another way of saying to Smackdown that you’re the second show and that’s all there is to it. Chris is just now getting in the ring as Edge gets a great pop as a face at number 5.

Edge was on the verge of busting through the glass ceiling and becoming a main event star but a neck injury would put him out less than a month later and he would be out for about 14 months. He and Rey have a kind of non match as they don’t really do much to each other. The heels are both on the floor but not out. Christian is 6th with his absolutely awesome entrance.

He hugs Edge who looks at him like he’s crazy. Yeah he gets speared. Nowitski thinks he puts out both Edge and Rey but they go up for a double dropkick. Rey’s hits, but Edge’s misses and his leg lands right on Chris’ face and it looks awful. The referee has to check to make sure he can continue if that tells you anything. Rey hits the dumbest move of all time with the Bronco Buster before Chavo is 7th. That MIGHT have been a minute.

He and Rey do an awesome sequence to set up a 619. Christian takes one also. A hurricanrana puts Nowitski out and then Jericho puts Rey out. We have Jericho, Edge, Chavo and Christian in there now and they’re joined by Tajiri. In other words the most only American wrestler in there is a guy that is billed as the Mexican Warrior. Tajiri puts one of the sickest looking submissions I’ve ever seen on Chavo as he’s more or less using a rack but instead of over his neck it’s over his back. It looked great.

Bill DeMott, more commonly known as Hugh Morrus, is 9th. He was a Tough Enough trainer not long before this and apparently he’s gone insane because of it. I guess that makes sense in some wrestling logic. Tenth is Dreamer as we’re needing someone to get rid of some of these jobbers.

Dreamer of course brings in weapons. He and Edge beat the living tar out of DeMott and knock out him. Jericho and Christian get together with trash can lids and put Dreamer out. We’re back to Christian, Jericho, Edge, Chavo and Tajiri. That’s a bit better I guess.

Tajiri does the stupidest thing I can think of and goes for a Tarantula on Jericho. Naturally he’s out and replaced by B2, more commonly known as Bull Buchanan. He and Cena broke up apparently so he’s just out there being himself now. Yeah he’s already out thanks to Edge. There goes Chavo via a spear by Edge to leave us with three Canadians. Make that one Canadian as Jericho skins the cat and gets back in to put out Edge and Christian at the same time.

That’s pretty impressive actually. Jericho is on his own now until RVD comes out to a huge ovation at 11th. Yeah we have Shawn, Jericho, Edge, Christian, RVD, Tajiri and others but there’s zero point to having an IC or US Title. Starting to see why this is considered one of the darkest ages in wrestling history? After about a minute Matt Hardy is 12th.

Tonight’s Mattitude facts are that Matt strongly dislikes mustard and apparently that’s all we get tonight. Yeah there’s ZERO point for a midcard title on either brand. I know I can’t see anyone in here that would benefit from having one. Van Dam is just fun to watch. Jericho takes the Five Star as after maybe a minute 15 Eddie is in at 13. He has almost no hair here yet amazingly would be world champion in 13 months.

Eddie hits a frog splash on RVD but he messes up and it lands on Rob’s face for the most part. That looked painful. Matt is the only person up as he jumps Eddie, and Jeff is in at 15. He offers a truce and Jeff goes after him. Dang I made another error in my counting. It’s fixed now but I keep screwing up the count. That’s uncharacteristic for me. Everyone else has been down for a LONG time, although to be fair they all took finishers.

Jeff almost puts Matt out but Shannon Moore lays on his back and puts his feet up to keep Matt in. He then gets in and lays on Matt to protect him from a Swanton, which in reality would hurt more I’d think. Rosey of 3 Minute Warning along with Rico is 16th. After MAYBE 45 seconds, Test is in at 17. Stacy is with him as we’re in the Testicles thing which was funny for about two minutes. Test beats up just about everyone as he was a monster at this point.

He lost that as Stacy denied him sex so he started carrying a Playboy with him. I wish I was making that up. John, the Doctor of Thuganomics, Cena is 18th. He wears an old school Astros jersey while rapping his way to the ring. He’s entertaining if nothing else, but the people that say he should go back to that are just idiots. Ross says two things of interest: word to your mother, and Cena is a future main event player.

His rap takes up the entire about 60 seconds before Charlie Haas is in at 19. There are WAY too many people in there right now. I’m counting 9 at the moment and I’m not going to bother listing them. Oh the heck with is: Haas, Rosey, Jericho, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy (I think they’re cousins or something), Van Dam, Eddie, Test and Cena. Jeff goes out to finally lighten things up a bit. Rikishi is in at 20, and apparently he’s been in more than anyone else in history.

I know at least Kane has broken that record since. He almost gives Matt and Shannon a double stinkface but thankfully it doesn’t happen. Jamal, more commonly known as Umaga, is 21st. This is being written the day after he passed away so this is deflating to say the least. Sadly enough, the first thing that happened to him is a stink face. I hate that move so much. It ticks him off if nothing else and he hammers away on Rikishi.

Kane, whose pyro will give you a freaking heart attack, is 22nd. He cleans house and chokeslams Rico, who isn’t even in the match. There goes Rosey. Shelton Benjamin who reminds me of Gunn from Angel for some reason is 23rd. The ring is WAY too full. Oh yeah: Cena is wearing long pants. It just looks completely wrong. Booker is 24th. He was on the biggest roll of his career at this point and he would wind up getting the Raw title shot at Mania.

Naturally since he was having great matches and getting huge pops, he was fed to HHH in a throwaway match. There goes Eddie thanks to HHH’s lunch. A-Train is 25th. He just destroys everyone in there. Rikishi of course gets to take him down. WHAT IS SO FREAKING SPECIAL ABOUT RIKISHI???

He’s always around and was always considered a big deal but he SUCKED. He danced and wore a thong, end of appeal to him. Shawn comes in and beats up Jericho so Test can throw him out. Well ok then. Shawn is completely wasted in the Rumble but whatever. If nothing else it set up a great match at Mania.

Maven is 26th. He actually looks like a pro now which is a plus from last year. There are about 9-10 people in there so again someone needs to come clear them out. Goldust is 27th and no one cares. He hits Shattered Dreams on Maven, which when you actually look at it is a kick to the turnbuckle but whatever. The World’s Greatest Tag Team combine to put him out.

They do the same to Booker, which is appropriate as the two of them were tag partners a few weeks before. Batista, who was something close to what Kozlov or Jackson is now is 28th. Test puts him down of all people. That’s just odd indeed. Batista puts him out though so there we go. He then puts out Rikishi so I’m happier now. Lesnar is in at 29 to a solid pop. He puts Haas and Benjamin out at the same time.

Thank goodness now we’re getting rid of some people. Matt gets an F5 to the floor. A-Train gets a SICK bicycle kick to Batista to take him down. Taker is number 30 to a huge pop. Ok so the final group is Van Dam, Cena, Jamal, Kan, A-Train, Maven, Batista, Lesnar and Taker. That’s not bad as I’ve seen worse groupings. There’s no clear cut winner but it’s pretty clear when you really look at it I think. He’s returning after Show hurt him for about the 12th time mind you.

This is still the American also. There goes Cena which is likely going to be the featured match at Mania this year. Ok so right now it’s next year but when you read this it’ll be this year. Jamal is gone which is a bad way of putting that. Maven hits a dropkick on Taker and celebrates by holding up two fingers. Taker just stands there behind him waiting. A chokeslam and Maven is out. That was hilarious to see.

A-Train hits a chokebomb to put Taker down. Why in the world did he never get a serious push? They built him as a big time monster but nothing ever happened with him. He got the IC Title I believe before this, but it’s completely forgotten in the long run. After A-Train dominates even more, Van Dam and Kane who were a team at the time get together and put him out.

In a great spot, Kane says he’ll throw Van Dam onto Batista, Kane picks Van Dam up and casually throws him out. That was great. The final four are Taker, Kane, Batista and Lesnar, meaning we’re going to need a mop to clean up the muscle induced orgasm that Vince had in the back. Batista and Taker go at it while Kane and Lesnar fight. So the lightest guy in there is Lesnar at 295 right? Kane takes a solid F5 and we get the showdown of Taker and Lesnar.

Taker puts him down with a decent boot. Taker wearing white socks is just amusing. He follows it up with a tombstone to Lesnar as Batista goes out next. Taker and Kane team up for all of 8 seconds as Taker dumps Kane to get us down to two. Batista comes back in with a chair but takes it in the face.

I wish more women would do that. Anyway, Lesnar sneaks up on Taker to dump him out to set up Angle vs. Lesnar at Mania 19. Taker gets back in and implies that he wants a shot if Brock gets the title back. Brock got it back and Taker eventually did get a shot, months later.

Rating: B. I’ve seen better but I’ve seen far worse. The main issue was how many people got into the ring at once. The ending was quite good as Taker and Lesnar were both legit possibilities and Kane was far from a long shot. There was a nice balance of big names and no chance guys out there too which is hard to find at times. If there was a rating between B and B+ that’s what this would get. It was fine, but it could have been a bit better. Either way, this was entertaining.

Overall Rating: B-. This was a pretty good show. It’s not great but it was certainly solid. They got the matches in the right order to say the least. Angle and Benoit made me forget the debacle of the Raw title match and then a good Rumble sent the fans home happy. It’s not a classic, but it’s certainly worth checking out I’d say, especially Angle vs. Benoit. It’s a clinic on how to work a technical match. I’ll say it’s recommended, but you’ll want a remote to fast forward over some stuff.

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Great American Bash 2006
Date: July 23, 2006
Location: Conseco Fieldhouse, Indianapolis, Indiana
Attendance: 9,750
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield

Ok…this HAS to be better than the other two. I mean it has to be. This is during that weird period where I don’t think anyone really knew what was going on in WWE. This is Smackdown only again and the main event is Rey, defending that title that Eddie won while under a mask and shorter, against King Booker in a match that I don’t think anyone really asked to see. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about how this is a great melting pot and how Khali is awesome and how he’ll beat up Taker tonight in the Punjabi Prison match. No he won’t due to the Wellness Policy but nice try at least. There’s a world title match tonight too.

Smackdown Tag Titles: Paul London/Brian Kendrick vs. Pit Bulls

The Bulls are Jamie Noble and Kid Kash. They were a team that was around when I really wasn’t watching Smackdown so this is a new thing for me. London and Kash start us off with Kash taking it to the mat. For some reason we’re talking about the Rock N Roll Express now. Kash keeps running him over so London speeds things up to take over. Off to Kendrick and they use a modified rocket launcher for two.

Kendrick works on the arm and we hear about the Crockett family starting up the Bash in the 80s. Off to Noble who apparently likes having men on the ground. I love wrestling but the gay jokes are really hard to avoid at times. Back to London who keeps Noble’s arm in trouble. This has been one sided so far and Londrick sends them to the floor. You know that means stereo dives.

FINALLY Noble gets in a shot to take over and gets a pair of two counts. Back to Kash who slams Kendrick into the mat by his hair. Kendrick dodges a charge and brings in London. Things speed way up and we talk about Ivan Putski. They go to the apron and London tries to skin the cat, but Noble gets in a shot to the back. I guess this is the official face in peril part.

London may have hurt his back on the way down onto the apron. Noble hooks on a chinlock for a few seconds and there’s a leg lariat for two. The Pit Bulls do some good old fashioned heel tag team work to keep Kendrick out. More double teaming follows but London fights out of the corner. He kicks Noble into Kash but Kash makes the save to break up the tag. Cole says London was minutes away from making the tag. Well at least he was close.

London backflips out of a suplex and falls into Kendrick for the tag. Springboard missile dropkick takes out Kash and things speed WAY up. He hits leg lariats to everyone but Noble makes the save on the cover. Noble tries something like a double underhook piledriver on Kendrick but London saves again. There’s a huge dive to the floor by Kendrick to take out Noble. Kash can’t get the brainbuster to London so Kendrick dives off the top with a sunset flip for the pin.

Rating: B-. This match right here has already had more energy in it than the entirety of the previous two shows in this series. Londrick would spend the next 9 months or so as champions which is still the longest tag title reign in the WWE/F in about fifteen years. Very fun tag match with all kinds of old school heel tag work to make things very fun and get the crowd into it.

Khali wants to take out Taker now. He picks up Daivari, his manager, when he disagrees.

Here’s Teddy to waste some PPV time. He says that Lashley is out of his US Title match tonight due to being Wellnessed. Not due to steroids, but due to elevated liver enzymes, which is what also got Khali. Cue Lashley in wrestling clothes. He says he’s fine and he wants his US Title back. Teddy says his administration is looking out for his long term health. He’ll get his shot later.

Lashley leaves and here’s the champion Finlay, along with his lackey Regal. Finlay thinks Lashley is running scared and not sick. He wants his hand raised, but Teddy says there’s going to be a title match tonight.

US Title: Finlay vs. William Regal

JBL goes on a hilarious rant before the match. “LIVER ENZYMES??? AS MUCH AS I’VE DRANK I’M LUCKY TO HAVE A LIVER!!! MY LIVER LOOKS LIKE JAKE ROBERTS’ AND MY LIVER ENZYMES HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGH!” I’m having issues having Cole as a neutral commentator. Regal is worried about Horny (not yet named) interfering. Regal goes a-leprechaun hunting and before the match starts.

Regal says he’ll just leave but Finlay tries to roll him up anyway. They lock up and go all the way to the floor without breaking it. They walk around and back up the steps and into the ring without breaking that lockup. Regal grabs a single leg and works the leg but that gets him nowhere. Regal throws him to the floor and here’s Horny! He pops Regal in the leg and JBL freaks out. “I want one for Christmas!”

Regal loses track of him and stands on the steps instead of, you know, GETTING IN THE RING. Horny sneaks up on him and Regal nearly jumps out of his skin. Back in Finlay gets a clothesline for two and it’s off to a nerve hold. This heel vs. heel thing is only kind of working so they’re going for comedy. JBL gives us a European soccer lesson as Finlay takes over. Regal gets in some kicks and a butterfly suplex for two.

Horny is back! He bites the fingers of Regal and Regal has to rake the eyes of the tiny leprechaun to escape. Back in and Finlay takes over, working on the hand. Regal gets in a shot to the leg to break the momentum. This is a highly technical match to go with the comedy which is an interesting mix. Regal hooks a chinlock but Finlay fights out with some shots to the ribs.

Back to the floor and you can hear them hitting each other incredibly hard. This was the same thing they did back at Uncensored 96, although this is a more entertaining match. Now Finlay hooks the chinlock. Regal throws him into the corner and they ram heads. In a great old school heel move, Regal drops to a knee, putting his leg on Finlay’s throat, while he talks to the referee. Exploder suplex puts Finlay down and there’s a knee drop for two.

The fans call this boring. I call them uncultured slobs. This is a European style match and it’s entertaining to see a different perspective. Regal runs off the apron and gets crotched on the apron skirt. Finlay hammers him back into the ring and takes Regal’s shoe off. It’s possible Horny stole it. Finlay misses a charge and hits the post. The fans are loudly booing now. Regal gets the Irish club that I can’t spell. Horny slips Finlay Regal’s boot though and a shot with that is enough for the pin to keep the title on Finlay.

Rating: C-. I’m going to be in the fairly extreme minority here but I enjoyed this. The technical aspect of it is really good but the comedy stuff is going to be very hit or miss. To be fair though, this was a hard one to work out as the styles really clashed. I was entertained by it though and that’s the point of this.

Rey and Chavo have a little chat and Chavo says all of Eddie’s fans are in Rey’s corner tonight.

Matt Hardy vs. Gregory Helms

Helms is Cruiserweight Champion but this is non-title because Matt is overweight. The fans are all behind him though so at least he has that going for him. Matt grabs an armdrag and it’s a standoff. They go to the mat with Hardy in control. Back up and it’s a standoff but Matt strikes a Hurricane pose to crack everyone up. Rollup gets two for Hardy. Helms grabs a swinging neckbreaker for two and control.

Another neckbreaker gets the same and let’s hit that chinlock. Matt fights up and hits a punch to the ribs of a jumping Helms. Russian legsweep sets up an attempted Side Effect but Helms escapes. He goes up and gets crotched so Matt tries a superplex. The more famous of them is crotched also so Helms hits a top rope swinging neckbreaker to put both guys down.

It eventually gets two as Matt throws his foot on the rope. Greg works on the neck some more and goes into a chinlock again. He shifts that over to a Pedigree position on the mat so he can ram some knees into Matt’s face. Back up and they slug it out. Side Effect gets two for Matt. Bulldog gets two. Twist of Fate is countered (probably due to him standing there before trying it) into…..uh…..the best I can think of is a Killswitch if Matt was facing up and Helms was a bit off to the side. I’ve never seen that before. Either way it gets two.

Shining Wizard misses but the second attempt hits for two. Helms sets for a belly to back superplex but Matt hits some elbows and OH MY GOODNESS THE HUMANITY!!!! Matt hit a moonsault press and I’m sure Helms is dead. I mean….the fat that must have just landed on him. Anyway Matt drops an elbow on the top of the head for two. Matt pounds away in the corner but a snake eyes drop into the buckle plus some tights are enough for Helms to get the pin.

Rating: C-. The first seven minutes or so were really bad but after that this got a lot better. The innovative stuff from Helms is always worth seeing. They were trying to make him seem like something more than just a Cruiserweight and it was kind of working before he broke his neck in May of next year and was out for about 15 months.

Khali goes on a rampage and finds Taker in the back. They stare each other down when Big Show jumps him. I hardly ever remember seeing Taker as the Dead Man in the back in the light. The giants beat down Taker.

We recap Taker vs. Khali. This was a long running feud with Taker never really having a chance. Tonight is supposed to be the blowoff to it but the match isn’t going to happen due to enzymes in Khali’s liver. They would eventually be supposed to have a last man standing match at Summerslam, but, and I kid you not, it was determined that Khali wasn’t good enough to put on live television.

Show, Khali and Daivari are in the back and Teddy comes in and makes it Show vs. Taker tonight for no apparent reason. Show is the ECW Champion but it has no bearing on tonight’s match.

Big Show vs. Undertaker

This is a Punjabi Prison match and I have NO idea how it works. I’ve seen both of them and I have no idea how it works. The cage is made of bamboo (allegedly) and it looks like a cage made of it and then an octagon shaped cage that is on the floor around the ring with room in between, almost like the Cell. There’s no top to either. It does look pretty cool. Oh sweet Cole is giving us a rule explanation.

There are four doors on the cage around the ring, each with its own referee. A wrestler can call for it to be opened but it’ll only be opened for 60 seconds. There are no doors on the outer cage and you win by getting out of both cages. No word on if the doors can be re-opened once they’re closed. I think they changed it to thirty seconds for Batista vs. Khali. I looked it up and each door is open for sixty seconds and once it closes, it’s locked for good. If you can’t get out of one of the four doors, you have to climb over the spikes. It’s not as complicated as it looks.

Show looks like he’s about to cry. I know because Cole told me so. There are also tables between the cages with weapons on them. They don’t seem conventional either but it’s Taker’s lighting so I can’t see them. Show stomps him down to start but Taker gets him into a slugout and guess who wins there. Logic would say Big Show, but this is a zombie inside an Indian prison with no Indians in sight so I don’t think logic has much place here.

Show knocks him into the cage all slowly. He really wasn’t all that interesting at this point. Show really was just the big monster that beat people up. Taker fights back and goes for a climb but Show pulls him down and crotches him on part of the cage. Show headbutts him down and Taker looks small by comparison. There are straps up there for some reason and Taker gets choked out.

Back in the ring and Show hammers him down with a clothesline. Taker starts fighting back and actually jumps at Show with flying hip attacks for lack of a better term. Show grabs him by the throat for a chokeslam but Taker DDTs out of it. Taker calls for the first door to be opened so he has 60 seconds to get out. Show pulls him away from it and doesn’t go for it for no apparent reason. A superkick puts Taker down and Show pulls one of those straps off the wall. The door closes so there are only three left.

Big Show takes a buckle off but walks into a bunch of punches. Something resembling a combination Thesz Press/clothesline puts Show down. Old School is broken up and Show calls for a door to be opened. Taker kicks him in the head and TRIES TO GO OUT BECAUSE HE ISN’T AN IDIOT but Show stops him. Show manages to chokeslam him but can’t get out of the door in time. Two left.

He curses instead of going through another door so they slug it out even more. Taker is busted a bit. Show pounds him down and goes for a climb. Taker low blows him and hits a superplex to put both guys down. Not quite Henry vs. Show but not bad. Taker pops a door open and falls through it to get to the second cage. The third door closes but he goes through the fourth door to stop Taker from climbing out.

Why they keep the clock running even though both guys are already out I’m not sure. Show takes one of the tables with weapons and breaks it over Taker. He then does something very smart by throwing Taker back into the first cage as the clock runs out and Taker is trapped inside.

He can still climb out. Show climbs the outside cage as Taker climbs the inside one. Taker goes Tarzan and jumps from one cage to another, then swings into Show to knock him down. Show manages to knock him through the other table and they slug it out AGAIN. Here come Khali and Daivari and Taker climbs the wrong cage. Taker dives onto Show and they fall through the cage (great structure guys) and Taker is declared winner. Khali and Daivari stand on the cage and have no bearing on this match at all.

Rating: D. This match started kind of promisingly but it went on WAY too long. This was over twenty minutes long and far too complicated. If you forget the rules part of the way through, you’re screwed here. Also they probably slugged it out about 8 times in this match and it was just way too overdone. Not as horrible as it’s made out to be, but they really needed to cut this down to like 15 minutes instead of over 20.

Sharmell talks to Booker and tells him he’ll be king of the world after winning the title tonight.

Ashley Massaro vs. Kristal Marshall vs. Jillian Hall vs. Michell McCool

Bra and panties match of course. Michelle is the teacher still. This is Diva Search drama. There’s no point to trying to do commentary or anything like that here as I think you get pretty clearly. It’s not even elimination. You win when you get someone into their underwear. JBL: “I’ve had these girls knocking on my door for years. I finally let them out.” Ashley gets her top stolen. Cole tries to call stuff and JBL just blasts him.

Jillian loses her top and yes, the implants were a good idea. JBL is cracking me up here. “WHO CARES ABOUT THEIR ATHLETICISM??? THEY’RE HOT!!!” Kristal and Michelle, the heels, get their skirts taken off. Oh wait Michelle has a second one on. Jillian and Ashley are minus their tops. The heels brawl for a bit and Jillian tries a Boston Crab on Kristal as Ashley rips the top off to win it. No rating because it’s not wrestling, but hilarious commentary. JBL: “Get me a Hennessy and my black American Express!”

The new interviewer talks to Kennedy (Anderson) who says he challenged Batista because he can. Mark Henry couldn’t beat Batista, but he can. I still don’t get how announcing your own name is a good gimmick.

By the way, the new interviewer: The Miz.

Batista vs. Mr. Kennedy

This was during the Kennedy is great and keeps beating ex-world champions but never wins the title himself because he keeps getting hurt period. This was supposed to be Mark Henry against Batista but he tore his knee or something and is out for a few months. Batista is coming back from an injury as well and it’s his first PPV match since December. Batista shows intelligence and jumps him during the Mic Drop. All Big Dave to start and they head to the floor. Kennedy goes into the steps and is busted a bit.

Ok so it’s more than a bit as there’s blood flowing down his head. He goes for a walk but tries to sneak in on Batista, only to get speared right back down. Out to the floor again and Kennedy rakes the eyes to take over. He chokes away because he really isn’t much as far as offense at this point. Batista is busted a bit.

Kennedy pounds him down in the corner and a bit more on the floor. Back in it’s time for a chinlock because those work so well right? He works on the arm which was the injury that put Batista out. For some reason he slaps Big Dave and pain is imminent. He sends Kennedy into the post three times then chokes to a DQ. Kennedy claims another former world champion.

Rating: D+. Just a brawl here with a weak ending. This is another example of where they booked themselves into a corner and the only thing they could do was have an ending like this because they couldn’t have either guy lose clean. Batista would get the title back in November while Kennedy would do the same stuff over and over again until getting hurt next year….again.

Batista destroys him post match with three spinebusters and a Batista Bomb.

We recap the main event. Booker won a battle royal to get the shot here. Booker had been pushed very strong and was clicking pretty strong, so the ending was pretty much a given at this point. This gets the music video treatment.

Smackdown World Title: Booker T vs. Rey Mysterio

The King and Queen come out with some kind of car thing. It has a throne on it as well. Eh I don’t think anyone really knew what was going on here so who cares. Booker’s entrance takes about 5 minutes, reaching near Undertaker territory. Rey points to the sky because Eddie is the point of this title reign. Booker: “Eddie can’t help you now.” Long stall to start.

Booker uses the size and power advantage to take over but Rey speeds things up and hits a legdrop for two. JBL and Cole get in an economic debate and Cole is accused of being a socialist. Now remember what I said they did for the first section of the match? Repeat that for the next few minutes. Rey knocks him to the floor and hits a seated senton off the top. A springboard splash gets two.

The challenger is really having issues with someone smaller than him and therefore the match is kind of struggling. A superkick and clothesline get two each for Booker. He works on the arm for some reason and then drops Rey as he tries a jumping snapmare. As in Rey tried it and Booker just shoved him off. Booker goes total rudo and hits Three Amigos for a very delayed two.

The axe kick misses but Rey misses the 619. A BIG kick to the head gets two for the champ and he loads up the 619 again, but Sharmell makes the save. That earns her an ejection and pretty much no reaction from the crowd. Booker gets in a good shot for two and the bulldog is countered into a belly to back suplex for two. Rey takes out the knee and hits a rana to take over. Springboard cross body gets two.

Tornado DDT gets the same. He tries a rana out of the corner but Booker counters and launches Rey into the referee. With him down the seated senton and 619 connect and the frog splash looks to finish but there’s no referee. Booker hits a low blow and Bookend but there’s no referee still. Dang those guys are fragile. Booker’s chair shot misses and Rey dropkicks it into his face. Here’s Chavo to pick up the chair and of course he turns on Rey, cracking him with the chair and giving Booker the title.

Rating: C+. Not a horrible match but the first five minutes or so didn’t really work at all. They were trying, but the problem was due to the size difference. Booker’s title reign was nothing particularly good but he was just holding it warm for Batista anyway. Not a bad match, but you feel like you’re waiting for the real main event after this instead of getting ready to leave the arena, which isn’t good.

A LONG celebration by Booker and a bunch of replays end this. I’d assume they were a few minutes short or something.

Overall Rating: D+. It’s not a great show or even a particularly good one, but this is so far and away better than anything they had in the previous two versions of this show that it’s a breath of air to have just an ok show. There was some actual stuff here you can get out of it and it makes for a much more refreshing show. Still not good, but it’s on a totally different level from the other shows.

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Great American Bash 2005
Date: July 24, 2005
Location: HSBC Arena, Buffalo, New York
Attendance: 8,000
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

We’re back for more of this nonsense. It’s still Smackdown only and after the recent Draft, Batista and the World Heavyweight Championship are the bees’ knees (I’ve always wanted to say that) on the blue show. The main event is him defending against JBL, but this was before Batista got good against Taker. The rest of the card looks like your basically dull single branded PPV. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about the American Dream and how the whole show is going to be about him despite his matches sucking and not nearly as many people wanting to see him as he thinks. Oh scratch that, wrong American Dream. This is about Batista vs. JBL and Hassan being discriminated against. This is after the London terrorism thing. Oh and we’re in the Eddie vs. Rey for Rey’s kid thing.

You can tell this show is weak: the sponsor is WWE.com.

Smackdown Tag Titles: MNM vs. Heidenreich/Animal

This is Heidenreich/Animal since Hawk died a few years ago. I think this is because of the LOD DVD. Despite MNM being an awesome tag team and the champions (and the predecessors to Miz/Morrison), what do you think is going to happen here? Heidenreich doesn’t have spikes because he’d have to earn them. They’re called Legion of Doom but they changed the music so I don’t consider them a team. Heidenreich runs off Mercury to start and then does the same to Morrison.

Animal throws him back in and Animal gets a big pop. A double suplex puts the champions down and man there’s a gut on him. This is a total squash so far. FINALLY the champions double team Heidenreich and take his knees out. Mercury works on the knee and the announcers try to compare Heidenreich, the guy that raped Cole remember, to Hawk. Morrison misses a cannonball down onto the knee so it’s back to Mercury. This is REALLY boring stuff. After he cleans house, a title shot to the head gets two. Snapshot is broken up and the Doomsday Device gives the not-LOD the titles.

Rating: D. There was zero reason to put this on PPV and it wasn’t a good match in the slightest. They were trying to go for the LOD formula of total domination, but the non-matching tights and the lack of anything resembling charisma (or talent) by Heidenreich kept that from working. Bad TV match and an awful PPV match. Somehow they would hold the titles for THREE MONTHS.

Eddie talks about how he offered Rey a new twist on their match because he likes manipulating people now. He wants Dominic out at ringside for their match tonight to see Rey get destroyed. Eddie’s facials on this are great.

Christian vs. Booker T

Christian is awesome at this point and freshly on Smackdown. Booker is veteran midcarder in residence. Booker chases him into the ring and it’s a staredown. Christian hides, because that’s what cowardly heels do right? They fight up the aisle and there’s no story or reason for this match happening mentioned so far. Back in the ring a slingshot gets two for Booker. The tornado reverse DDT off the middle rope gets two for the Captain.

One arm DDT gets the same results. This is going nowhere again. Christian dominates with an evil headlock and Taz calls it an Anaconda Vice. Wait maybe it was a Vice. It’s not like we could see it, but who cares about something like BEING ABLE TO SEE THE MOVE??? Side kick misses and Booker goes down. Sharmell slaps him to remind us she’s still alive. Bookend hits for two.

The twisting sunset flip out of the corner gets no count but a spinebuster puts the Canadian down. Again there’s no particular reason for this match happening and that more or less sums up the problem with this match: there’s no reason to see them fighting. There’s the Spinarooni but since this is near Canada and Toronto in particular, this isn’t exactly a Spinarooni town.

Booker hits him in the corner but Christian powerbombs him out for two with feet on the ropes. Missile dropkick gets two for Booker. Christian ducks a….something, and they go outside. Booker throws him into steel objects, goes back in, hits the axe kick from the middle rope and that’s it. Seriously, that’s it.

Rating: D+. It’s not a bad match, but this came and went. The ending was kind of cool looking, but at the same time there’s NOTHING interesting here at all. Tazz mentions something about Smackdown from a few weeks ago but it’s not like we’ve heard that in the twelve minute match. The lack of story hurt this a lot, but these two have never worked well together at all.

Some old interviewer talks to Melina who says MNM will get the titles back soon. She’s going to beat Torrie in their bra and panties match too.

US Title: Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit

Jordan is champion and has been since March, beating Cena for the title. Yes, this guy kept the title like six months for absolutely no apparent reason. He has stupid looking puffed up hair here too. Benoit hammers him down to start as Orlando isn’t all that talented. Jordan tries to kick him in the knee and Benoit just chops him down. The champ tries working on the arm but Benoit leg drags him down and we go to the floor.

Benoit goes into the post and Jordan takes the buckle off. That lets the Canadian hit a German on the American to take over. There was no story to this other than Benoit beat Booker to get this shot. Jordan works on the neck for a second and then fires off punches. He used to be a boxer apparently. Ok so now Jordan is on the arm. PICK A BODY PART AND STICK WITH IT!!!

A dropkick puts Benoit down which Tazz tries to pass off as a big impressive move. Back to the arm and this match needs to end already. I’ve been thinking that a lot in this show. Benoit grabs a Sharpshooter attempt to try to get something going but Jordan would rather bore us to death. Jordan hooks something like a crossface chickenwing and then off to the neck because he worked on it for a few seconds earlier.

Jordan goes up but Benoit chops him down and hits a superplex off the top to put both guys down. Another Sharpshooter attempt fails but here are the Rolling Germans. I’m still not sure what popping your hips means. Swan dive gets two after a delay. Benoit chops away but Orlando’s head smacks into Benoit’s to put Chris down. Jordan finishes taking the pad off the buckle and a charging Benoit hits that for the pin to keep the title on Jordan. Yes they really did this. Benoit would win it at Summerslam in like 30 seconds.

Rating: D. Again the problem here is that Jordan is just boring. He’s as generic as anyone could ask for and I don’t think he had an actual finishing move. He might have used a DDT once in awhile. Imagine Honky Tonk Man’s offense, minus anything resembling charisma or ability in the ring. And he held the title for SIX MONTHS!

Benoit gets a standing ovation for some reason.

We recap Taker vs. Hassan. The match is for the #1 contender spot, but the problem was that Hassan had sent in a group of masked terrorist characters to choke Taker out with piano wire. They decided to do this on the same day as the London subway bombings, so UPN (the network Smackdown was on) basically threatened to throw WWE off the air if Hassan kept appearing, so this is his last appearance.

Undertaker vs. Muhammad Hassan

The Terrorists bring out Hassan on a caravan kind of thing. Hassan reiterates that if he loses here he’ll never show his face on Smackdown again. The winner of this gets a shot at Summerslam (didn’t happen). Some of the terrorists surround the ring. Hassan tries to run but gets caught in the corner and hammered on. Old School hits and a Downward Spiral gets two.

Taker charges in the corner but goes crashing over the corner to the floor. The Terrorists hammer away on him and Hassan takes over. Back in a DDT gets two. Taker shrugs off everything and hammers Hassan down. He heads to the floor and beats down the Terrorists, but gets caught by the wire again. Oh and they’re “sympathizers” according to Cole. The ski-masks, black sweatshirts and camo pants would suggest otherwise. Hassan puts his camel clutch on back in the ring which is easily countered. The Terrorists come in and are knocked back down. Chokeslam ends Hassan.

Rating: D+. Somehow a match based around terrorists with zero drama to it at all is the best match so far tonight. This show seems to have no soul at all and it’s really hurting things. This was a really bad period for the company but the show sucking this much is inexcusable. This was the best match of the night so far if that’s possible.

Taker beats up the Terrorists and Daivari because he can. Hassan goes up the ramp but Taker catches him and hits a Last Ride through part of the stage. Hassan was never seen again. This takes like 8 minutes.

Torrie promises to give the troops watching something to remember against Melina.

Hassan is bleeding from the back of his head as he’s taken away.

Mexicools vs. BWO

Oh where do I begin. Ok so the Mexicools are Juvy, Psicosis and Super Crazy as really stereotypocal Mexicans (ride lawnmowers, carry rakes etc). The BWO is here because at One Night Stand, JBL legitimately beat up Blue Meanie. WWE gave Meanie a job for like two months so he didn’t sue them. This is their only match of note. The BWO comes out on big wheels for absolutely no apparent reason. American Chopper joke maybe?

Juvy vs. Nova starts us off. Things break down and the BWO takes over. Psicosis finally hits a corkscrew plancha to take over on Nova. Back to Juvy as Nova gets beaten down. He Hulks Up (NWO parody remember…..in 2005) and Cole messes up the BWO’s names. Hot tag brings in Richards who cleans house. Side slam gets two on Psicosis. Everything breaks down and Crazy hits a moonsault onto Richards followed by a guillotine legdrop by Psicosis for the pin.

Rating: F. This was on PPV. Once you get that through your heads, you’ll get why this was a failure.

We recap Eddie vs. Rey. They had been partners but Eddie never could beat Rey one on one. Eventually Eddie started talking about Rey’s son Dominic and said he was going to tell Dominic a story. Rey said don’t do it and so Eddie wanted one more match. If Eddie wins, he gets to tell Dominic the story.

Rey and his son pray before the match. Dominic follows the time honored tradition of speaking Spanish and then repeating it in English like he’s in a high school class.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio

Cole apologizes for being biased in this match. That’s chuckle worthy given what would come from Cole in like 5 years. Dominic is at ringside and the fans are behind Eddie. Eddie forces a handshake and Rey is getting madder and madder. Rey finally snaps and hammers away as the bell rings. He gets things going and hits the bulldog for two. We keep stopping so Eddie can smile at Dominic.

Eddie goes up but gets crotched and Rey snaps off a hurricanrana. This time Guerrero crotches Rey but Rey counters with a rana and hits the 619 to the ribs. Seated senton gets two. Eddie rolls to the floor to panic a bit then goes up to Dominic. Rey finally remembers that his mortal enemy is hugging his son and goes out for the save. Eddie hides behind him and tells Rey to get on his knees and beg.

Rey of course does and Eddie of course blasts him, because good guys are idiots in wrestling. Cole goes on a rant about how Eddie is getting off on this manipulation. Eddie is dominating here and not much is going on. Rey is basically fighting on instinct and trying to stay alive. Keep in mind that this whole match is based on the idea that if Eddie, the evil psychopathic villain loses, he gives his word he won’t say something. I mean you KNOW he’d never lie about that right?

Gory Stretch is on but Rey counters. He can’t follow up though and Eddie sends him to the floor. Eddie goes after Dominic and Rey speeds up again, taking over with a few shots. Rey grabs a tornado DDT for two. 619 hits but Eddie avoids the Dropping the Dime. Three Amigos hit but Rey rolls away before Eddie jumps for the Frog Splash. He makes it Six Amigos and the last one is a brainbuster. Now the Frog Splash hits but Eddie would rather look at Dominic, allowing Rey to roll him up for the pin.

Rating: C. The problem here is that the match runs about 15 minutes and about three of those minutes were spent looking at Dominic or Eddie stalking him. The problem is that this was based too much on emotion and the match was pretty much devoid of energy or interest. Naturally this feud would continue as Eddie would reveal that he’s the father of Dominic, setting up the line of “the following contest is for the custody of Dominic!”

Eddie freaks out post match.

JBL, wearing a patriotic vest that Apollo Creed would look at and say “yo dude tone it down”, says he’ll win the title which the Buffalo Bills couldn’t do. He’s a great American don’t you know.

Torrie Wilson vs. Melina

Bra and panties rules and Candace Michelle is guest referee for no apparent reason. I’m not particularly going to bother talking about this, because it has nothing to do with wrestling at all. Torrie does look good in pink pants though. She actually puts on an abdominal stretch and pulls the top off of Melina. Melina kicks her to the floor and takes over. Torrie loses her shirt too. Candace has had nothing at all to do in this match. And there go Torrie’s pants. I’m not rating this but they looked good.

Candace strips Melina to end this. She also strips herself. This would be better if they both weren’t in Playboy.

We recap the main event. Cena had been drafted to Raw so there was no champion. There was a six man elimination match to crown a new champion and JBL won it. Then right after it was over Teddy announced that Batista had signed to Smackdown somehow. JBL didn’t get the title but he gets the title shot here instead. Batista said he saw a bully in JBL and he’s here to stand up to the bully. Batista cost JBL a match with the Blue Meanie.

Smackdown World Title: Batista vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

JBL gets a full police escorted motorcade from outside into the arena. Once in the arena, we get confetti and JBL is handing out small American flags. Batista is mad over. He was significantly ahead of Cena at this point but Johnny was coming up fast. JBL is looking thicker here. Not fat, but thick. Ok maybe it is just fat. Big Dave takes over with power to start as they have about 20 minutes here.

They go to the floor for a bit and they fight over a suplex coming back in. JBL clotheslines him on the top, and then we get the scary part. JBL jumps off with a clothesline and Batista catches him like it’s nothing. THAT. SHOULD. NOT. HAPPEN. Back in Batista’s shoulder goes into the post and a big boot knocks him to the floor. They go onto the announce table and both guys are down.

Jibbles takes over, hammering away with the power game. He gets a flying fist off the table which gets two back in the ring. There are some elbow drops and then a sleeper. JBL’s red white and blue wrist tape is downright keen. The sleeper goes on for about a minute or so which should kill Batista but in wrestling, it’s just a way for him to get a breather. Finally he suplexes out of it and both guys are down.

A Batista charge sends him to the floor and he goes into the steps. Then he goes into the post so one steel object won’t feel left out. It’s always steel. Why is that? Anyway a big boot by JBL misses and a clothesline puts the Texan in the crowd. A spinebuster hits but the referee was bumped. Jordan comes out and gets decked too.

The Bomb is loaded up but Jordan cracks him with a chair. That only gets two of course because thank goodness we’re not getting another JBL title reign. The Clothesline gets two and the second attempt is countered into a spinebuster and then a powerslam. And then Jordan comes in with a chair. Batista cracks Jordan and then JBL with it and that’s good for the DQ.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t horrible, but man they needed something else for an ending. The problem here is that no one bought that JBL had a chance. They go twenty minutes for an ending that we already knew was coming, and then we have a weak DQ ending involving Orlando Jordan. That’s not how you end a show, especially after how badly this shown has gone already.

Post match Batista freaks out and kills everyone with powerbombs. The rematch would be a street fight.

Overall Rating: D-. I reviewed this show all in one day. Now usually that isn’t the case and I do part of a PPV review in one day and then more of it on the next. Sometimes it takes parts of three days, but today I did it in one. I had to look at the card again after the main event because I couldn’t remember what happened on it. That’s how forgettable this show was. Those kind of shows are far worse than a horrible one because there’s nothing you can to complain about and nothing all that interesting. Horribly dull show and I can see why this series is hated so much.

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I had to get to these eventually I guess. This is widely considered one of the worst series of shows ever and the stage was set for that with the first one. The only good things about the first two are Torrie looking hot on the posters. I don’t think they ever had any idea what they were doing with these shows and the name certainly doesn’t live up to the WCW incarnation. Let’s just plow through these and get them over with.

Great American Bash 2004
Date: June 27, 2004
Location: Norfolk Scope, Norfolk, Virginia
Attendance: 6,500
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

I had to get to do this one eventually. This won worst show of the year according to Meltzer and I can’t disagree with him at all. It’s a double main event with JBL in the world title match and the Undertaker vs. the Dudleys. If the Dudleys win, Paul Bearer is buried in concrete. I’m going to pause to let the idiocy of that sink in for a minute. Let’s get to it.

The opening video has a patriotic theme to it, showing JBL being all awesome. He claims to be a real American while Eddie is a disgrace. Angle also hates Cena so he’s sending him into a fatal fourway. And there’s the stupid Taker vs. Dudleys thing.

Torrie welcomes us to the show. This is Smackdown only.

US Title: John Cena vs. Rene Dupree vs. Booker T vs. Rob Van Dam

This is elimination rules and Cena is champion coming in. Cena fires up the crowd a bit and that’s a LOUD chant for him. He makes gay jokes about Angle in his pre-match rap. Also RVD likes marijuana, Booker used to be GI Bro and Rene Dupree wants to be Cena. This is also a Navy town so Rene is gay right? Booker and RVD go at it as do John and Rene to start us off. This is under tornado rules.

Rob and Booker fight to the floor. I think Rene is the only heel here but I’m not sure on Booker. Off to Rene vs. RVD. Booker is chilling on the floor to avoid getting beaten up which is really smart strategy. Yeah Booker is officially a heel in this. He turned on RVD a few weeks back. See? Cole can be useful at times. Rene hooks a chinlock on RVD to waste some time. Rob fights back and hits a split legged moonsault for two.

Rolling Thunder gets the same. Cena does something for the first time in about four minutes, picking up Rene on the floor, only to get flipped onto by RVD. Cena vs. Rob in the ring now and they exchange near falls. RVD slides to the floor and tells Booker to get in. They get in an argument so RVD throws Booker in for a beating. Cena slides to the floor and throws Rene in to replace him. Cena and RVD are just kind of chilling on the floor.

Dupree hits a powerslam and does the French Tickler (don’t ask) but walks into a Booker spinebuster. Five Star hits Rene but there’s no cover. Cena goes up and gets kicked off by RVD. Five Star hits Booker this time but Cena rolls in and cradles Van Dam for the first elimination. Booker and Dupree team up on Cena with Booker hitting the side kick for two. Rene got the cover and Booker isn’t thrilled with that.

Cena takes advantage of their argument to beat them both up. The fans aren’t exactly thrilled by this match either. Throwback to Booker and Cena pumps it up. FU (noticeably different than the modern version) puts down Dupree. Booker hits an axe kick on Cena and eliminates Rene. So it’s down to one on one now. Side slam gets two and what appeared to be a fast count. Off to a chinlock to kill some time.

The announcers talk about a mini feud Cena has had with Taker. Today, that’s a Wrestlemania dream match. Here, it’s a two week filler feud. Booker chops away in the corner and gets the Jack Brisco spinning sunset flip out of the corner for two. Axe kick misses though and the FU keeps the title on Cena.

Rating: C-. Not bad here, but the problem was in the match structure. With it being elimination rules, it actually made things easier on Cena. Like you saw with Booker and Dupree, you can pretty much just chill on the floor for two eliminations and then get it down to a one on one match. Then again, Cena pinned RVD first anyway so he would have won either way, which again begs the question of why it wasn’t just one fall. That would be because they needed to fill an extra seven minutes.

Cena walks through the back and hits on Jackie Gayda. He leaves and Angle rolls up to yell at Charlie Haas, who is with Jackie. Charlie defends himself and gets thrown into a match with Luther Reigns tonight.

Sable is in a hot tub and says the Divas will be hosting the show tonight. She’ll be interviewing herself. Sable faces Torrie tonight and says she’s hotter than Torrie. Ok then.

Charlie Haas vs. Luther Reigns

Good thing Charlie just happened to be in gear and right by the entrance isn’t it? Power vs. speed here to start but Charlie is in over his head here. Reigns hammers away and is very slow. I mean REALLY slow. A kick puts Haas down as we hear about how Angle can never wrestle again. Angle says he’s loving this. Luther works on the back for a bit but Charlie “hits” (you can see the space between the feet and Luther) a pair of dropkicks. He gets sent to the floor and it’s time for a chinlock.

Luther can’t even do a chinlock right, as the hands are about four inches from Haas’ face. Press slam gets two. The fans are really not all that interested. Luther uses all of his skill to gauge their reaction and puts on a half crab. Angle says they’re running out of time and Charlie hits a suplex for probably his only big offense of the match. German suplex gets two. Charlie’s shoulder goes into the post and a Roll of the Dice (Cross Rhodes) ends this.

Rating: F. Even Jackie’s hotness couldn’t save this. The fans DID NOT care at all here, mainly because the match was thrown together in the back about 2 minutes before it started. Reigns was really bad in the ring and Haas was a total jobber here despite having talent. I have no idea what the point here was, but I think it might be exhibit A as to why not to have brand exclusive PPVs.

JBL says he’ll win the title tonight. It’s a Texas Bullrope match tonight, which means the four corners kind. Oh joy. He says tonight is his vindication and he’s awesome.

Cruiserweight Title: Chavo Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio

Match #89 of about 384. Rey is champion and Chavo won a battle royal on Thursday to set this up. They speed things up to start and Rey grabs a pair of rollups for two. Chavo works on the arm so Rey spins around a lot and kicks Chavo’s arm to escape. As they just did a few seconds ago, they fly around a lot and work on the arm. Chavo dropkicks Rey as he’s on the apron to send him to the floor and possibly injure his knee.

The knee goes around the post and Rey is in trouble. Back in the ring Chavo hooks a one legged Liontamer. Rey kicks out of it and hits the bulldog (DDT according to Cole) to break it up. Chavo works the knee even more, kicking it so hard that Rey spins around in a circle. Off to a hold formerly called the Brock Lock to further damage the leg. Chavo charges into a boot and Rey gets in some offense. It’s so nice to see an actual story being told in a match after the previous horrible display.

Rey gets tied in the Tree of Woe but Chavo misses his charge, going arm first into the post. Rey fires off a seated senton to the floor and both guys are down. They fight to the apron and Chavo teases a superplex back to the floor. They both stand on the top and wind up hitting kind of a double facejam to the mat. Rey counters a slingshot into a dropkick and the knee is rapidly getting better. Russian Legsweep gets two.

Seated senton gets two so Rey pounds away on him. He charges into a Gory Bomb for two though as Chavo takes over again. Chavo works on the knee even more but an enziguri sets up the 619. Rey’s knee can barely work so he can’t hit the West Coast Pop. Off to the one legged Liontamer again and then a half crab. Rey slaps the mat as he’s crawling but that isn’t a tap in this case. He finally makes a rope and the crowd is WAY into this now. Chavo loads up another Gory Bomb but Rey rolls through into a sunset flip for the surprise pin to retain.

Rating: B. Good match here and a NICE breath of air on this show. It’s not really surprising to see these two have a good match though so it’s hardly a classic, but it’s always cool to see Rey vs. a Guerrero for twenty minutes. The psychology was here too and it made for a good match. It’s a shame Rey was nowhere near his best at this point though.

Torrie is in the hot tub with various Cruiserweights who say they would have won had they been in there. Torrie stands up in her flag bikini and leaves. Funaki: “God bless America.”

Kenzo Suzuki vs. Billy Gunn

Suzuki is a Japanese guy who wants revenge for Japan because of what America did to it in World War II. I kid you not. This is a rematch from Smackdown where Hiroko, Kenzo’s chick, threw salt in Billy’s eyes to save Kenzo. Somehow, Gunn’s music (his most famous one) is catchy. Kenzo’s tights are brown/orange. He’s one of those guys that is a martial arts expert, which means he hits a chop and then poses.

Neckbreaker gets two for Gunn. This is a very dull match in case you can’t tell. The Claw STO puts Billy down but he drops a knee instead of covering. Off to a nerve hold, which would be a little more effective if he would, like, squeeze his hand or something. After what seems like an eternity, Billy gets a rollup for two. Suplex gets two for Suzuki.

Off to ANOTHER chinlock kind of move and the fans are loudly booing now. They slug it out and Billy hits a Stinger Splash to set up the Fameasser but Kenzo stands up. Shining Wizard gets two but he walks into a tilt-a-whirl slam for two. A low blow slows Billy down and Kenzo gets a pin after that knee to the back out of a reverse DDT position that Christian does. It didn’t even look good. HORRIBLE finish.

Rating: F. Remember when I said the other match was exhibit A? This might have just trumped it. I mean this was TERRIBLE. Who in the world thought these two deserved eight minutes on a PPV? Kenzo was awful and everyone knew it, so they put him with Rene Dupree and gave them the tag titles. Don’t you get the logical progression of events there? Terrible match and Gunn would be gone soon.

Heyman is with the tied up Paul Bearer and tells him that he will in fact bury him in concrete tonight. Yes, this is really one of the main event angles for this show. Heyman almost seems turned on by this.

I forgot to mention: there’s a huge cement truck next to the entrance of the arena, just to further the idiocy of the event.

Sable vs. Torrie Wilson

So they’re fighting over who should be the spokesperson for this PPV. Torrie said she should be, so Sable said she looked fat. You know it’s on after that. To the shock of no one, neither of them can do anything other than look good in shorts. Sable kicks a lot and they mess up a sunset flip. The fans are already booing. All Sable so far here. Time for a chinlock by Sable as this is dying quickly. The fans are mostly silent at this point.

Torrie hits one of the worst suplexes I’ve ever seen. Cole says there are Torrie chants but I don’t hear them. Then again Cole thinks some odd things at times. They collide and both girls are down, drawing even more booing. Sable plays possum and rolls Torrie up for the pin. They couldn’t even do THAT right, as Sable rolled over her and Torrie’s right side was completely off the mat.

Rating: F. If I need to explain this one, you’re not paying enough attention.

Taker is in the back and he starts walking to the ring. His match isn’t next but I guess he needs to get a running start.

Dawn Marie is also looking hot in a flag bikini and talks to Rene Dupree who says he got cheated. He’s going to protest Cena’s title reign. He hits on Dawn and offers to show her his French Tickler. He starts dancing and the FBI shows up. Shoe jokes are made. Hint to WWE production guys: just show us Dawn.

Mordecai vs. Bob Holly

Mordecai is a religious character who wound up in PPV matches with Scotty 2 Hotty and Bob Holly. This would be his last appearance despite implying he was going to come after Eddie next. You might remember him as Kevin Thorn in ECW. Cole just flat out says this isn’t going to be pretty. Holly ties him in the ropes and pounds away to start. This crowd is SILENT. For once, I can’t blame them. This is Hardcore Holly in a singles match after watching a horrible Divas match and Billy Gunn in a match.

Off to a chinlock as this match dies even further. Taz makes fun of the way Mordecai talks and basically makes the whole character sound like an idiot. I mean more than the character itself already did. Holly fights back with a hot shot but they collide, I think by accident, when Mordecai bounces off the ropes. Holly hits a bunch of clotheslines, including one off the top for two. A kind of sloppy looking reverse DDT gets two as well. Mordecai grabs a sitout spinebuster for two. Alabama Slam is countered into the Razor’s Edge for the pin.

Rating: D-. Why in the world was this on PPV? I don’t think anyone else really knew the answer to that either. Either way it’s not like it mattered as after this Mordecai was sent back down to OVW, which to be fair he probably belonged there anyway. The gimmick didn’t help him, but he just wasn’t ready for the main shows yet.

We recap Eddie vs. JBL. They had a WAR at Judgment Day with both guys just gushing blood. Tonight it’s a bullrope match, because we need to have the match be as boring as possible. It’s the kind where you have to touch all four corners. JBL says Eddie got disqualified intentionally at Judgment Day, so here Eddie can’t run or hide.

Smackdown World title: Eddie Guerrero vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Yes, the concrete match is going last. This is no DQ, unless you intentionally unhook yourself. There’s a bell on the rope of course, because we’re wrestlers so we all want to be cowboys! Eddie goes for the leg and chokes him out a bit with the rope. That bell is getting really annoying really fast. They have these stupid lights on the corners because just counting the number of corners for each guy is too much for Nick Patrick.

Both guys get two corners but they get their momentum broken up. The rope goes around Eddie’s neck and there’s a bell shot to put him down. Bradshaw puts him in the Tree of Woe and chokes him upside down as Eddie is in trouble. Here comes the Spanish Announce Table but Eddie blocks a powerbomb through it. Cowbell to the head puts JBL down and it’s Eddie in control.

JBL sends him over the table again but Eddie CRACKS Bradshaw over the head with a chair. Oh yeah he’s busted too. That’s enough for Eddie to get three corners but JBL breaks it up enough for the fourth to not count. Patrick says the momentum is broken, meaning the streak is broken. Eddie gets three corners again and again JBL grabs the rope. After a JBL DDT, Eddie crotches him with the rope and gets three buckles but the streak is broken.

Three Amigos hit and Eddie adds a frog splash for good measure. In a REALLY smart move, JBL rolls to the floor to stop the fourth corner from being touched. Smart because Eddie can’t drag him from the floor like he could in the ring. They go to the top and JBL hits him with the bell. He wraps the rope around Eddie’s neck and throws him onto the announce table which doesn’t break. Cole says it’s like rock or concrete. These jokes write themselves at times.

A powerbomb puts Eddie through the table and both guys are down again. Somehow that only gets three corners back in the ring. JBL gets three corners again but takes a cowbell low to stop things again. Since this is a four corners bullrope match, we get the only ending that ever happens in these things: they both get three and the good guy dives to touch the fourth one just in time.

Rating: B. Pretty solid brawl here but at the same time these matches get really repetitive after awhile. It becomes wrestler A gets a few corners, then wrestler B gets a few corners, then we reset things. The brawling in between that was pretty solid stuff though so I can’t really complain here. At the end of the day though, this gave us JBL as world champion. Here’s why.

Angle comes out and shows us the replay, which shows that when Eddie dove at JBL, it knocked JBL into the buckle first, which means he’s champion. This would go on until Wrestle-freaking-Mania.

We recap the main event. Heyman started managing the Dudley Boys and convinced them to kidnap Paul Bearer and steal the urn. The idea is that Taker is lost without Bearer, because those years and world titles without him never counted. Taker followed Heyman for awhile because Heyman had the urn.

Dudley Boys vs. Undertaker

They’re really vague about the stipulations here. All they say is that Taker has to “do the right thing” or Bearer gets buried. There’s a cement truck with a trough going into a case made of glass. Heyman is at the switch and if Taker does something wrong, Bearer gets buried alive in cement. This was a main event in 2004 on a $35 PPV. Let that sink in for a minute. Oh and the Dudleys are Smackdown tag champions.

Now we get the really stupid part of this. Heyman gives us a “preview” by putting in some cement then turning it off. If it can be stopped, WHY DOES TAKER NOT GO LAY HEYMAN OUT AND TURN THE THING OFF??? Bubba yells that the right thing is for Taker to lay down. In case you’re missing the point, the idea here is that if Taker doesn’t lay down, Paul Bearer will be killed.

Taker lays down but grabs them by the throat. Heyman says that’s not the right thing and the Dudleys take over. They fight to the floor and Taker is in control. He loads up Old School and Heyman says Bad Dog and loads in a lot more cement. The Dudleys take over and this is so dumb. Taker beats them down and goes after Heyman but the Dudleys make the save. Bearer keeps saying that Taker will….the cement is lower than before. Did I mention that this wasn’t live and a lot of the concrete stuff was taped earlier? The ending of the match leaked online earlier in the day.

Bubba stops the cement, saying they can take him out on their own. The fans are loudly booing now. They beat on Taker using very basic stuff like suplexes and elbows. Out to the floor and Bubba basically lays the piece of the announce table on Taker for two. And then it’s a sleeper. Are you kidding me? Thankfully they are as Taker suplexes out of it. He beats up D-Von and it becomes a big brawl. This place is SILENT too. Old School hits but D-Von hits Taker low. Taker sits up and Heyman holds up the urn. And then a tombstone ends D-Von.

Rating: F. Ok come on now. Where’s my real main event? Where’s the match that I really paid this much money to see? I mean it couldn’t be this, because this was a boring 15 minute match with Heyman constantly teasing that he’ll murder Bearer. I mean…ok I’ll drop it now. The match SUCKED and the concept is further fetched than wrestling should be allowed to go.

Heyman goes to pull the lever again but Taker sends a bolt of lightning to stop him. Then he pulls the level himself to kill off Paul Bearer for about five years. The idea was without his conscience he could be more violent or whatever.

Overall Rating: R. As in returned like a bad steak at a restaurant.  Oh just no. I mean NO. This isn’t acceptable. Let’s see: attempted murder, actual murder, Bob Holly, Billy Gunn, Charlie Haas, and JBL, who at the time was a midcard guy for about ten years, is the new WWE Champion. This was AWFUL and while there are some ok matches, some of the things here simply are not acceptable whatsoever. Horrible show, and somehow it might get worse next year.

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Tables Ladders and Chairs 2011
Date: December 18, 2011
Location: 1st Mariner Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

This is the final PPV of the year for 2011 and I’m really not all that thrilled by it. The main event isn’t really clear, as there are a few matches that could go on last. It could be either of the world title matches or the ladder match with HHH vs. Nash. Surprisingly enough, there’s no Cena match on here to speak of. Also, hopefully, Ryder finally gets his US Title tonight. Let’s get to it.

Basic video, talking about choosing your weapon.

Vickie introduces Dolph.

US Title: Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler

Battle of the Z’s here. Ziggler has on blue trunks and they’re really not working for him. Ryder controls early on and is pretty fired up here. The champ gets control quickly though, hitting a DDT onto the apron. Ziggler drops a bunch (as in like ten) elbows on Ryder but they only get two. Off to a chinlock and the fans chant “Let’s go Ryder, Woo Woo Woo”. Ziggler uses Ryder’s body to brace himself for situps.

And now let’s start talking about Twitter. Ryder fights back but gets caught in an Angle Slam for two. Ryder comes back and hits a missile dropkick from the middle rope for two. Here’s his comeback and the Broski Boot hits. Vickie puts Ziggler’s foot on the ropes and gets ejected for it. They trade rollups and Ziggler tries two Fameassers, one of which hits. Dropkick gets two for Dolph. He goes up and gets crotched, allowing Ryder to bust out a top rope rana for two. I love how his arms fly up in the air on every cover.

Rough Ryder is countered into a hot shot into the post for two. The fans are still cheering for Ryder as they were earlier. Out of nowhere, Ryder hits the Rough Ryder and WINS THE TITLE at 10:25. The camera immediately cuts to Ryder’s dad in the crowd which is a really nice touch. They treated this like a really big moment, which it was.

Rating: B-. Why it didn’t happen in MSG is beyond me but whatever. This is the definition of a guy working as hard as he could have, the fans responding to it, and the company PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT THE PEOPLE WANTED. I can’t emphasize that enough: the WWE listened to what the fans were telling them and pushed him accordingly. Pretty decent match too.

Booker is getting ready in the back when Cody jumps him and beats him down. Booker says he’s ok and looks all ticked off.

Tag Titles: Air Boom vs. Epico/Primo

Epico vs. Bourne gets us started. They trade near falls for a little while and it’s off to Kofi. All champions so far. More near falls for the champions and the heels finally start double teaming Bourne. Rosa keeps shouting in Spanish because that’s what evil Hispanics do. Epico busts out some rolling belly to backs for two. How has this match been going five minutes already?

You would think a match with Kofi Kingston as the biggest guy would go a little faster. Gory Stretch by Epico is countered into a sunset flip for two. Hot tag finally brings in Kofi who hits every Puerto Rican in blue in sight. Boom Drop to Primo sets up Trouble in Paradise but he settles for a springboard crossbody instead. Everything breaks down and Bourne dives to the floor to take out Epico. Trouble in Paradise hits in the ring and they keep the titles at 7:32.

Rating: C-. This was fine and I can’t really complain about bonus wrestling. They had to flesh out the card somehow and I figured this might be the pick. Also it’s good to get the titles on PPV again, even in a match like this. Air Boom will probably drop them soon, but I hope it’s to someone better than the Colons Paso Dos.

Josh has no update on Booker but Cody was very happy a few seconds ago, so the match may be off. That’s not official though.

Teddy Long is in the back as Santa and Horny is his depressed elf. He finally points out that he’s an adult and asks why there’s a black Santa. Teddy: “In my neighborhood, no fat jolly white man would ever come down my chimney.” Teddy gives Horny a gift: Rosetta Stone Ebonics. Horny kicks Santa in the shin.

Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett

This is a tables match. Orton takes over quickly and goes for a table, but Barrett kicks it into his face with a thud. Orton is like “I have 4 nicknames” and goes after Barrett as Lawler makes Roman nose jokes. A table is set up outside and they fight up the aisle where there are like 8 tables set up. Barrett sets for the pumphandle through one of them but Orton escapes. Barrett THINKS and knocks the table near him away.

Back at ringside and Orton goes into the post and then takes a boot. Barrett is busted a bit. Wade takes forever messing with tables, setting one up on the floor and sliding one into the ring. Orton moves off the table to avoid a dive so Barrett pounds on him some more. In the ring a middle rope elbow hits Orton and Barrett takes him to the apron. He hits a big boot to try to knock Randy through the table on the floor but Orton hooks the rope.

Barrett sets one up in the corner but Orton starts his comeback. Powerslam puts Wade down and there’s a counter to the elevated DDT. Barrett tries a running big boot but gets caught in the ropes. He tries Wasteland on the apron but Orton elbows out of it. Now the elevated DDT hits in the ring. Barrett reverses a throw into the corner table and hits the Bossman Slam to take over. He beats on Orton a bit more and puts him on the table. Wade goes to the second turnbuckle on the inside but jumps into an RKO through the table to end this at 10:16.

Rating: C. These matches are hard to grade because they’re regular matches without covers until the end. I think everyone probably knew this was going to be Orton winning, but the good thing is that it keeps Barrett hot because he doesn’t get pinned. Also he can still get a win next month or on Smackdown so this is probably far from done. Not great, but nothing too bad.

The Bellas sit on Teddy’s lap and debate who the good or bad sister is. Teddy gives them his number for a gift. Swagger comes in after they leave and wants to know what Teddy is going to do after Henry hit him with a chair on Friday. Teddy isn’t going to do anything about it and asks Jack to sit on his lap. Sheamus comes in and I think I know where this is going. The Great White (seriously, what is up with that name?) has some Irish humor for Swagger and yep, Teddy makes the match.

Divas Title: Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

I have no idea if this match was announced or not. This is about the Slammys or something like that. Kelly takes over to start and I kind of wonder why she isn’t Alicia, as in the girl that’s been pushed lately. There’s the screaming headscissors but she gets caught in a gorilla press. Beth works on the back and tries a bunch of covers for two. She goes up and misses a guillotine legdrop. K2 is countered and they botch the backflip. Glam Slam into the rollup is countered so Beth wins with something like an electric chair at 5:14.

Rating: D. I don’t get why this division exists. The girls aren’t that good, not many people care about them, and the only thing about Kelly that matters is she looks good in tiny gold shorts. Ok she looks good in any color shorts. The matches sucked as usual and I don’t think anyone is surprised at that. Just go back to the swimsuit contests already.

Del Rio yells at Ricardo for not having the car or the food ready. Miz comes up and says the alliance is over after this show. Del Rio says it wasn’t really an alliance in the first place. They argue over legacies and Del Rio calls him a stupid little boy. Ricardo comes up with something for Del Rio to eat and it winds up in his face.

Ad for the Rumble, which features Santino as a psychic.

Booker comes out for the IC Title match and Cody jumps him again. His head hit the barricade as Cody jumped him. Booker is ticked.

We recap HHH vs. Nash. This is about Nash getting a pop at the Rumble (11 months ago) but HHH wouldn’t bring him back in. Nash did it himself and then beat up HHH.

HHH vs. Kevin Nash

This is the sledgehammer ladder match. They pound on each other to start with the power moves and head to the floor. HHH gets a ladder but gets kicked into it. Nash sets one up on the floor but HHH dives off the announce table with a clothesline to take over. Nash into the crowd now but he gets an elbow up to a charging Game. Snake Eyes onto the barricade puts HHH down and there’s a one man Vinnie Vegas chant.

They head into the ring and HHH takes over, using the ladder onto the knees. Now some of the weakest ladder shots ever onto said knee. HHH wraps the ladder around Nash’s legs and hooks a Figure Four in it. It’s better than the one around the post at least. Nash manages to whip HHH into the ladder and out to the floor in a solid bump. Side slam onto the ladder and HHH is in trouble.

Nash puts the ladder onto the bottom rope and does the slingshot into it instead of the rope. And then the crowd goes silent for a bit. Out to the floor and Nash sets for the Jackknife through the table, but HHH backdrops him onto said table instead. HHH makes the first climb up the ladder, 13 minutes into the match. He just gets a hand on it as Nash makes the save. Remember that you have to get a pin after getting it down.

There’s a chokeslam of all things and Nash goes to the floor again. He sets up a table in the ring and there goes the strap. HHH kind of spears him into the ladder and knocks him to the floor. The Game goes up but Nash is back and they slug it out on the ladder. HHH knocks the hammer into Nash’s head and Nash actually goes off the ladder through the table. I didn’t think he had it in him.

HHH gets the hammer down and Nash is on his feet a minute after falling that far. HHH destroys Nash with the hammer but Nash is back to his knees in a minute. The first Pedigree attempt doesn’t work and the second doesn’t actually involve Nash’s face touching the mat. We’re still not done yet though as Nash is on his knees again less than a mintue later. HHH gets the hammer and Nash flashes the Kliq sign. A hammer shot ends this at 18:12.

Rating: D+. It wasn’t that bad, but at the end of the day is Kevin Nash vs. HHH getting 18 minutes and we’re less than two weeks from the year 2012. Also the completely absurd lack of selling at the end of this really hurt things. Nash is painfully slow but I think everyone knew that was coming. Not as bad as it was expected to be, but I still don’t see why this needed to happen.

Nash goes out on a stretcher.

Punk says the beating on Monday was painful but it wasn’t as painful as Ace taking his Slammy. Ace pops up and says he mailed the Slammy to him. They trade some verbal jabs and that’s about it.

Jack Swagger vs. Sheamus

Sheamus hammers him down to start as we hear about his career as an IT guy. All Sheamus so far. Vickie yells at him so Jack can ram him into the post and then the barricade. Vader Bomb gets two in the ring. Sheamus fires back but can’t get much going. Swagger goes after the leg a bit and hooks the ankle lock. When that doesn’t work, the Brogue Kick ends this at 5:55.

Rating: D+. It’s just a first hour TV main event but it’s bonus PPV wrestling so it’s hard to complain here. They needed something to flesh out this card and it’s good to put Sheamus out there and get him some camera time. He’s probably next in line for Henry so you can’t really complain here. Pretty dull match but nothing unwatchable.

Show says he’ll win.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Mark Henry

It’s a chairs match, meaning they’re legal. Show’s singlet is now camo. Show immediately goes to the floor and throws in like ten chairs. Him just casually tossing them about ten feet in the air is scary impressive. They both have chairs now but Henry drops his and gets out. He grabs the title and says this isn’t happening. Show goes after him and ducks a title shot so he can wear Henry out with chair shots.

They start slugging it out and Henry cracks him with a chair. Henry goes after the hand so that Show can’t use his two finishers. Show tries to come back but his hand is worthless. Henry makes a pile of chairs but the Slam is broken up. He goes for a chair shot but Show fires off the big punch. AND IT GETS THE PIN AT 5:35????? REALLY?????

Rating: C. Call me crazy but I liked it. There’s something cool about two guys just going off on each other with chair shots. This worked pretty well for what it was and keeping it short was the right idea. The important thing is coming though so I’m cutting this short.

Post match Henry hits him with a DDT on the chairs AND HERE’S BRYAN!!! HE WINS THE TITLE!!!!! Cole is STUNNED. Bryan Danielson and CM Punk are currently the world champions in WWE and might be at Wrestlemania. Let that sink in for a bit.

Booker says he’s going to try to compete tonight and he looks MAD.

Intercontinental Title: Booker T vs. Cody Rhodes

Cody hammers him down to start but Booker hits a side kick and sends Cody to the floor. As they head back in, Cody gets in a shot to put Booker down. Pretty boring stuff here as they know the fans are all catching their breath at once. A double clothesline puts them both down and they slug it out a bit. Cody winds up holding onto the bottom rope and we get a Spinarooni. It makes him dizzy and the scissors kick misses. Side kick misses and the Beautiful Disaster gets two. Another one ends this at 7:15.

Rating: D+. Like I said not much here, but this was all about filling in time before the main event. They would have been better suited having Sheamus vs. Swagger here, but the match wasn’t bad or anything. Cody wins as he should have and he gets a little more validation with a win over a big name. If that’s it for Booker, there’s not much to complain about here.

They actually recap the show up to this point.

Raw World Title: Miz vs. CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio

TLC match. The heels jump Punk to start but Punk fights them off. Lawler thinks there are pins in this but Cole actually saves him, saying that Lawler is confused because this match has never happened before. He wasn’t rude about it either. Punk gets double teamed and they slowly go to the floor since they don’t trust each other. Miz goes after Ricardo so Del Rio hits him with a chair.

Punk dives out onto Del Rio to take over and it’s him vs. Miz in the ring. Punk tries the bulldog onto the chair but Miz counters into a belly to back onto the unfolded chair. Miz goes for a ladder but Del Rio stops him, sending him into the ladder. Everyone goes to the floor now and Miz swings a chair but hits the post. Punk wears him out with that chair and Del Rio is down from a chair shot as well.

Punk puts Miz on the railing and hits the running knee, using a chair as a springboard. He sets the ladder up in the ring but Ricardo runs in and handcuffs Punk to the ladder. That’s a new one. Del Rio hammers him down but the shots break the cuffs and Punk is free. Miz gets what appears to be a huge ladder and beats Punk down with it. He gets a hand on the belt but Punk saves.

They go to the corner and Del Rio hits the running enziguri to knock Punk to the floor and through a table. Del Rio throws a miniladder at Miz in the aisle and does the cross armbreaker with the ladder deal to Miz. He goes back to Punk and does the same but with a chair. He goes up but both guys make the save and crotch him on the top rope. Ricardo goes up and Punk knocks him off the top through a table on the floor.

Miz manages to cuff Punk to the ropes and the champ panics. Miz of course taunts him instead of going up and Punk fires off a kick to the head. Del Rio has a ladder up and Punk tries to kick the ring apart. Miz has a bigger ladder as Punk continues his straightedge tool work. Eventually he gets free and Punk destroys them all. Miz makes the save and I really thought that was it. GTS to Miz and that’s enough for Punk to retain at 18:25.

Rating: B. This was about what you would expect from a triple threat TLC match. It wasn’t anything classic but it was entertaining enough and that’s the whole point of it. The handcuffs didn’t really play into things that well but they were trying something new out there and I’ll give them points for that. Not a classic or anything but I’ve certainly seen worse.

Overall Rating: B. This was certainly a good show but it had some weak parts. The HHH vs. Nash match is a lot more acceptable if it ENDS the feud and I mean forever. A lot happened here and I think their idea was to throw so much stuff at us so fast that we couldn’t really tell if it was good or not. Overall it was good, but I didn’t have as much fun with it as others probably did. Still fun though and a nice surprise, but it’ll tank in buyrates and all of the booking will be blamed.

Results
Zack Ryder b. Dolph Ziggler – Rough Ryder
Air Boom b. Primo/Epico – Trouble in Paradise to Primo
Randy Orton b. Wade Barrett – Orton put Barrett through a table
Beth Phoenix b. Kelly Kelly – Electric Chair
HHH b. Kevin Nash – Pedigree
Big Show b. Mark Henry – WMD
Daniel Bryan b. Big Show – Pin after a DDT onto a pile of chairs
Cody Rhodes b. Booker T – Beautiful Disaster
CM Punk b. The Miz and Alberto Del Rio – Punk pulled down the title

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The Bash 2009
Date: June 28, 2009
Location: ARCO Arena, Sacramento, California
Attendance: 11,000
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Todd Grisham, Jim Ross, Matt Striker, Josh Matthews

Not a lot to say on this one. The main event is HHH vs. Randy Orton in a 3 Stages of Hell match for the title. This got a lot of ranting because it was more of the same two guys for like the 5th PPV in a row. We also have Punk vs. Hardy for the title and something I’m most interested in as Cena fights Miz. Miz had come to Raw in the draft and started imitating Cena in some hilarious stuff. Cena ignored him but is finally accepting the challenge here tonight. Let’s get to it.

The opening video talks about the main matches including Jericho vs. Mysterio in a mask vs. title match which I forgot to mention. Of course the most is about HHH vs. Orton but that’s expected I guess.

ECW Title: Christian vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry vs. Finlay

This is a Scramble match which is more or less a gauntlet. Every three minutes someone else comes in and whoever gets the final pin is champion but you have to pin the champion for the pin to count. Uh…sure. Christian and Swagger start us off. Wow it’s weird to see Swagger as champion before Christian. I miss the pushups.

Ok so if Swagger pins Christian he’s IT more or less? I guess that makes sense. I’m assuming that there will be a clock once everyone comes in. Striker implies a heel turn for Christian but nothing ever came for that. The clock begins far before three minutes is up and it’s Finlay. Striker talks about Irishmen from centuries ago as no one cares at all. Swagger pokes Finlay in the eye and rolls him up to become IT.

Christian and Swagger do a nice little sequence that gets two for the Canadian. He beats Christian down as Dreamer is number four. Dreamer beats up everyone with incredibly basic stuff but throws out a Sky High. Ok apparently it’s not Swagger that has to lose the title as it’s just the last pin. Uh…that kind of makes sense I suppose.

They blow a spot where Christian is on the mat and Dreamer gets thrown onto him. It just looked really awkward. Finlay finally comes back to life and hits the Celtic Cross on Swagger to become IT. Finlay and Dreamer don’t work well together to put it mildly. And here’s Henry to suck the life out of the match. Ok so now we have five minutes left and whoever gets the last fall is champion. Got it.

Dreamer takes the World’s Worst Finisher with 4:15 to make Henry IT. Everyone not named Dreamer beats Henry up and the people start booing for some reason. Finlay hits a freaking suicide dive onto Swagger. Have to love old men flying all over the place. Henry teases a top rope dive but for the sake of the gravitational pull, Swagger saves him and gets the pin to become it with about 2:20 to go.

I like knowing how much longer to go at times and this is one of them. Christian hits the Killswitch on Swagger but Dreamer DDTs him at 1:20 to become IT. It becomes a big mess now which makes sense at least. On instinct Dreamer goes for a cover which they don’t point out the stupidity of. Everyone goes for covers but the clock runs out and Dreamer retains. He screams “I WON???” in a funny moment.

Rating: C+. These matches are hard to call but I liked it. Thankfully they haven’t killed them by having them every two weeks or something like that. This still feels fresh though and it comes off as a good way to be different. Also it makes Dreamer look like a competent champion and not a jobber which I can’t complain about. This worked but was still a little bit weird.

Cena/Vince razor commercial. Be careful: cutting hair off your face could be un-PG.

Edge comes to see Teddy Long and complains about not being on the card. Somehow this takes like two minutes.

Intercontinental Title: Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio

And if Rey loses he has to unmask forever….again. Does anyone else think some of Rey’s masks look like Klansmen hoods? This feud more or less brought the title back to life as it was the wrestler’s title again instead of just a stupid prop for guys like Santino. We’re told Rey has never wrestled a match without his mask and then are told he had to earn it after he started wrestling. I love continuity issues in WWE.

Jericho goes straight for the mask which is a very nice touch as instead of just trying to beat him he’s being pure evil and trying to humiliate and end Rey. I love that. Jericho does that slingshot into the bottom rope which is a nice move. All Jericho so far. He hooks a crossface chickenwing of all things which is a nice throwback.

You can tell these two have a lot of chemistry as they’re flowing very well. It’s odd hearing Ross clearly getting ticked off so easily as it’s clear he’s not liking having to more or less mentor Grisham when he thinks he should be the top guy. Jericho shouts at the referee to ASK HIM. Nicely done. Aww that’s so cute: they still think Rey won the Rumble and the world title. It never ceases to amaze me how they can’t tell him apart from Eddie. They look nothing alike.

Rey hits a seated senton to the floor but might have hurt his knee. He’s finally on offense though as he’d been dominated for about 6 minutes or so. Jericho catches a springboard into a powerslam. It’s always cool when wrestlers use something different than their usual stuff. You’re allowed to mix it up at times and it makes things better when you do so. Allegedly Rey has always been the smaller guy in every match he’s ever had. That’s not surprisingly actually.

Jericho gets the Walls, more or less guaranteeing a lack of a submission. When’s the last time he won a match with that? And shockingly enough Rey gets to the ropes. That move has less heat than Vickie’s vagina. 619 misses and Jericho takes his head off with a clothesline. He then blocks a rana into a powerbomb.

Rey has gotten blocked every single time here and it’s been great. Lionsault misses and I mean actually misses instead of him landing on his feet. Codebreaker gets two as the crowd is WAY into this and for good reason. Jericho and Rey go up top and Jericho just kind of falls backwards. Uh, ok? 619 hits but the West Coast Pop is countered into the Walls again. And of course they don’t work as we get a pinfall reversal sequence.

In a GREAT ending that throws back to the Extreme Rules match, Jericho rips the mask off again but Rey has ANOTHER mask on underneath so while Jericho is expecting him to stop dead he keeps going to hit the 619 and springboard splash for the IC Title. THAT is what I mean when I say great storytelling and psychology.

Rating: A+. This was a VERY well booked match that I’d bet a large sum of money on Jericho and Rey planning the majority of. The ending there was downright inspired and showed Rey outsmarting Jericho and capitalizing on it. The match being awesome helped a lot too as these two just can go out there and nail it every time with this being no exception. Screw it this is an A+.

We recap Trump buying Raw and having the commercial free Raw and tricking Vince into paying into giving him back his original money back doubled. That’s a great deal. This also started the guest host concept.

HHH is getting ready.

Jericho wants his rematch RIGHT NOW. Long says in a month it’ll be five years as GM. That’s insane when you think about how many GMs Raw has had and how Bischoff is the longest reigning one.

We recap Dolph Ziggler vs. Great Khali, which more or less is Ziggler trying to get noticed and continuously hurting Khali with a chair or winning by countout or something like that.

Great Khali vs. Dolph Ziggler

This is a street fight for all intents and purposes. I love Runjin Singh. His sideburns have powers I think. Ziggler’s music is perfect. Actually make that perfection. Also he’s apparently moved from Hollywood, Florida to Hollywood, California. His look is great until his hair gets all puffy and then he looks like Curt Hennig which is a compliment.

Of course Ziggler gets beaten down early, including taking the chop that pinned Cena back in 07 or so but since Khali is a jobber to the stars now it’s just a regular move. Khali is just scary huge. I’ve seen him live and he’s absolutely massive. And then he chops the post to get himself in trouble. Dolph grabs a chair which is fine here and he wisely goes for the knee. At least he’s thinking.

We get the bowling shoe analogy about Khali and I roll my eyes. He’s 7’4 and 450lbs. What the heck are you expecting him to do? And here comes Kane for no adequately explained reason. Ziggler beats the heck out of Khali’s knee as Kane is coming and then Kane goes semi-Austin at Mania 17 on Khali. And then Ziggler gets the pin. This went nowhere.

Rating: D+. It’s your standard David vs. Goliath here and that’s all it was supposed to be. The key thing here is that Ziggler has a huge win by pinfall that in this match is perfectly legal. He’s never really gotten a big push, but he started feuding with Rey just after this so that’s something I guess.

Vince comes in to talk to Teddy and says he’s done nothing as GM. Apparently even Adamle was a better GM. The thing about Long is that he’s the only GM other than maybe Bischoff that seems like an actual bureaucrat which is what a GM is supposed to be. He’s an authority figure, not a fighter. I like him but that’s just me.

12 Rounds is coming to DVD.

Unified Tag Titles: Colons vs. Legacy

There’s something VERY sexy about the way Lillian says Carlito. The Colons are faces here and we’re on Legacy’s 9th theme song this month I believe, although they would wind up keeping this one permanently I believe. And here’s Teddy Long. He makes it a triple threat match, adding in the new team of Chris Jericho and Edge.

Unified Tag Titles: Edge/Chris Jericho vs. Colons vs. Legacy

The original two teams won’t let Jericho and Edge in to start which is a nice bit of thinking. Carlito and Ted start and Carlito does a gorgeous moonsault off the top. The team that speaks Spanish has the belts here. They’re trying to keep Edge and Jericho out of the ring, I’m assuming betting they’ll win if they get in, which is kind of odd for faces to be all scared like that. I think the fans are chanting for Christian of all people.

This is similar to the Horsemen/Dungeon of Doom match from Bash at the Beach 96 where Benoit and Anderson knew the Giant would destroy them if he came in so they wouldn’t let him in. It made sense and this does as well. Primo gets a nice rollup on Rhodes for two. It’s so strange hearing Orton talked about as being so hated a mere year ago and 9 months before he was the hottest thing in the world. Cody hooks an inverted Gory Special that looks awesome.

The fans love Edge here which is rather odd indeed. Jericho takes Primo out with a Codebreaker and we have Edge vs. fired guy. Carlito misses it though and Rhodes gets a backstabber. A spear gives the Canadians the belts after being in the match all of 20 seconds combined. As I type that, Lawler says it. At least I wasn’t imagining it.

Rating: B. While the wrestling wasn’t anything spectacular, the thought process here was perfect. They planned this one out very well and it made perfect sense which is a great thing in my eyes. They knew they couldn’t stop Edge or Jericho so they kept them out as long as they could. That’s smart booking and it worked just fine.

Ad for Night of Champions, which we’ve already done.

Orton yells at Legacy for losing the title match but says the important thing is keeping the WWE Title. DiBiase gets on Orton for not caring about them.

Smackdown Women’s Title: Melina vs. Michelle McCool

Melina was just freaking stunning at this point once she dyed her hair black. Michelle was getting there too and she has Alicia with her here for reasons that I’m sure don’t mean anything. For some reason I like Michelle’s music. Melina comes out hot. And she’s being intense too. Michelle can actually work pretty well.

She hooks a hold where Melina’s foot is touching Melina’s head from behind. DANG that girl is flexible. Ok five minutes have passed but I’m back now. Melina’s knee is hurt of course as it always is. Michelle kicks her head off for two. That sounded very painful indeed. Styles Clash gives Michelle the title.

Rating: C-. It did its job. This was just supposed to be an appetizer to the remainder of the show and that’s what it did. And I think that’s enough padding to say that the girls looked great here and that was the whole point to this.

Do not try this at home. Try it at the Supermarket.

We recap Punk vs. Hardy, which I did like 3 days ago so go find the Extreme Rules review so I don’t have to type it again. Punk used MITB to steal the belt. There you go you freaking SLACKERS. Punk’s reasoning really was great: I did this before and you cheered. Now you boo. I love that.

Smackdown World Title: Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk

Jeff is paintless. Well sweet goodness. Punk starts by doing one of the worst spot calls I’ve ever seen. He has a headlock on and leans over to Hardy’s head and can be heard whispering. Wow. Well at least you couldn’t hear him, unlike at the 99 Rumble where HHH was heard shouting IF I THROW YOU OVER CAN YOU HOLD ON?

Jeff has to start his own chant. That’s rather funny but it dies before I laugh. Oh great: poker analogies. That’s exactly what I want to hear. GTS is reversed as you would expect it to. Punk is dominating here and puts on a figure four headlock. That’s not one you see every day. Or night which is the time most wrestling shows occur. The Whisper in the Wind is freaking pretty. It truly is.

This turns into a striking match which of course Punk dominates but the “Twist of Fate” ends that. Swanton misses though as Punk sits up. Why he doesn’t just lay on him is anyone’s guess. I’ve never liked that hitch in this guy’s count. It’s very annoying. Jeff sets for the Swanton, which is clear because he shouts SWANTON, and it gets the pin. Shame Punk’s foot was under the rope so they have to wave it off.

Punk goes for GTS and Hardy elbows out of it, but Punk takes one in the eye. And the referee checks it, so Punk kicks the referee to get the DQ. Hardy’s look is great as he just looks completely crushed and looks as if he’s thinking are you freaking kidding me? Or maybe he’s wondering where his crack pipe is. It’s hard to tell with him. Post match Hardy yells at Punk that he did it on purpose and here they go again.

Rating: B. Good match here but it was all to set up the angle at the end which began his heel turn which made him into what he is today. This was a good match though as these two had solid chemistry together and they made things work well for the ending. I liked it, but then again I’m a huge Punk fan.

The Colons are ticked at Teddy over the title thing, which of course makes sense. This is pointless.

Orton is on the phone and is trying to get hold of Cody.

We get clips of Rev Theory doing a concert for the fans today. That’s kind of cool.

We recap Miz vs. Cena, which was a great setup for a feud with Miz constantly claiming he was winning matches when Cena didn’t show up to answer his challenges. The key thing here was Miz never once came off as cowardly here. He called out the top dog and never once looked back. That’s all you can ask for and people actually wanted to see this match. I certainly did.

The Miz vs. John Cena

This is Miz’s first major singles feud as he and Morrison had just recently split so he really did start at the top. The fans are rather split here which is a nice sign. Cena is just doing very basic stuff here and it’s working quite well. Cena goes for a backdrop and gets kicked in the face. He snaps up and shakes his head. Sure why not.

Miz works on the neck which is still hurt from Batista apparently. Miz gets some control in actually which is the best thing he can do. And the Cena fights back and the usual stuff ends it. It was short and not terribly painful.

Rating: D. That’s just for the wrestling mind you as it was more or less a Raw match and nothing more. Now when this first happened, I hated it. However since then I’ve cooled down on it a good bit. This wasn’t what I wanted, but it was fine. Remember that this was Miz’s coming out party so he needed to look good. This wasn’t as bad as it came off as back then, but that could be because Miz has done very well since then. Bad match, but Miz came off pretty well as far as credible goes.

We recap HHH vs. Orton. They hate each other and it’s about the McMahons. Yeah that’s all there is to it more or less. It was such a boring feud as no one cared for the most part as they were looking for these epic matches but they never came off as such. That and three Last Man Standing matches are about as much overkill as you could possibly have. Ok we’re at three minutes for this stupid video package now. WE GET IT! We also get Vince announcing the match for the fourth time.

Raw World Title: Randy Orton vs. HHH

Orton is champion. First fall is regular, second is falls count anywhere, third is a stretcher match which is stupid but whatever. Cole thinks this is more or less a 2/3 falls match. WHAT ANALYSIS! They tried forever to get this feud to work and it just never really worked. They of course start all physical and such because they HATE EACH OTHER. Yeah even I can’t take this match seriously at all.

Stephanie is going to be out of a job soon with how hard the announcers are sucking HHH”s balls. The first fall here really does mean nothing because it’s not going to end the match. That’s the problem with 2/3 falls matches in general: rarely do they not go three falls so you don’t have to pay attention to the opening part. It’s the same thing with an iron man match. And HHH cracks Orton in the head with a chair for the DQ then hammers him with it like Austin on Rock.

Pay no attention to the fact that it’s falls count anywhere and not a street fight so that should be another DQ but the timing doesn’t fit that. Cole is JUST figuring out HHH’s strategy which is about as obvious as birds like to fly. A Pedigree on the floor ties us up as HHH gets praised for brilliance. Dude Scott Steiner did that before. How smart can it be?

So now it’s a stretcher match for the title. Just end it now as you can smell Legacy from here. So since this is about a stretcher we’re fighting in the crowd since it’s barely 10:30 and we’re in the final fall. They break apart the barrier and just keep fighting at ringside. They’ve been doing this for almost 5 minutes now but there’s no drama obviously and no one seems to care.

Hey let’s go in the ring now to kill some more time. They use the steps a lot and nothing of note is happening at all. Why is it not of note? Because they haven’t been trying for the stretcher. They finally do something and of course it doesn’t work. I’m just wanting this to end at this point. Orton does the elevated DDT off the stretcher to the floor. That would look good if I cared about this match. The punt misses and apparently Orton kicked the stretcher.

HHH gets the advantage on top of the stage and has him inches away and here’s Cody. HHH beats him up. Here’s DiBiase who he was mad at earlier, beating HHH up for no apparent reason and throwing away the earlier thing. Shawn is on hiatus here so HHH is all alone. He had a sledgehammer hidden….somewhere on the stage and blasts Legacy with it.

Orton just takes part of the stage and blasts HHH with it for the win. AWFUL main event. Orton poses, HHH hits him with the sledgehammer, guaranteeing us ANOTHER PPV match from these two.

Rating: F+. So the stretcher match part was just them beating each other up for about 15 minutes so that Legacy could run in. Again, these two just cannot have a good match. Period. They simply can’t do it, and yet they kept being shoved down our throats time after time and the people were SICK of it. This was just awful as the stretcher thing was idiotic. This isn’t Memphis. A feud doesn’t need to go on this long.

Overall Rating: C+. That grade took awhile to arrive at. The problem is that the main event and the last nearly 30 minutes just suck the freaking life out of this thing. HHH vs. Orton was one of the worst feuds you could ever imagine as it was just so painfully boring.

The matches weren’t always awful, but they were just not interesting in the slightest. Other than that though, the show is rather good. Rey vs. Jericho is must see and there are other good matches throughout. Check this show out, but don’t watch the main event. It will haunt you.

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Survivor Series 2011
Date: November 20, 2011
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Commentators: Michael Cole, Booker T, Jerry Lawler

Here we are with Rock’s first match in seven years. He’s teaming with Cena to face Awesome Truth, who have looked like the most thrown on heels that I can think of in a very long time. We also have Punk vs. Del Rio and Show vs. Henry for the world titles. The elimination match (Team Orton vs. Team Barrett) has been built up very well indeed and I’m looking forward to it more than any other match. Let’s get to it.

Johnny Ace opens the show. No real point to this but he’s here anyway.

United States Title: John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler

The fans want Ryder. I mean they REALLY want Ryder. Ziggler takes over to start but a charge in the corner misses to give Johnny NoChance the advantage. They do the always cool slingshot spot, channeling their inner Hennigs. Out to the floor where Morrison hits a huge dive. The fans still want Ryder. Why in the world they’re going with Morrison here I have no idea but they’re doing it and that’s their decision and when Ryder’s pop doesn’t mean as much, it’ll be his fault right?

Vickie time gives Ziggler control back and he cheats like a hashtag heel. Morrison tries to fight back but walks into a reverse suplex for two. Sleeper hold is countered but an O’Connor Roll gets two for Dolph. Flying Chuck gets two. Why is it called that anyway? Sleeper by Dolph is countered into a sleeper by Morrison which draws a LOUD boo from the crowd. Vickie breaks up a cover off a tornado DDT, drawing an ejection for her.

Fameasser gets two for the champ but Morrison starts his comeback. Ah John. If only you actually had a chance of winning this match at all. I mean, it’s pretty clear you’re going but they want to squeeze every drop out of you that they can, even though Ryder is clearly the people’s choice. Starship Pain eats knees and Zig Zag keeps Dolph’s title at 10:40.

Rating: B-. Pretty solid opener, but the constant Ryder chants (not the fans’ fault) took away from it. That and the fact that Morrison was as much of a lame duck as you could ask for. Nothing too bad here and it was fine for an opener, but there wasn’t enough here to make it a great match. Now get the belt on Ryder already.

Vickie comes out and says that Dolph is awesome. Dolph says he is awesome and no one would want to follow that. The fans want Ryder but Dolph says he isn’t here. Cue Ryder who hits a Rough Ryder to blow the roof off the place.

Divas Title: Eve Torres vs. Beth Phoenix

This is a lumberjill match for no reason whatsoever. Eve jumps into a slam to start but takes over quickly, sending Beth to the floor. Back in a neckbreaker and the standing moonsault get two. We get into the normal set of circumstances with Beth locking in a hold as Eve is in trouble. Eve starts her comeback as this couldn’t be more of a beer break match if they put a freaking stamp on it.

Eve hooks this wicked looking choke which shifts into a triangle choke but it doesn’t work as it’s a new submission hold that looked good so it can’t be the winner early. They exchange rollups for two each and this is still going nowhere. Eve takes her down and sets for the moonsault but Beth goes up top and they fight on the top rope. Beth counters into the Glam Slam off the top for the pin at 4:42.

Rating: C. Better than average Divas match here with a pretty solid ending. That being said, I have zero reason to care about this story at all as it just keeps going with nothing really developing at all in it. The heels are still evil and proclaim dominance but they run from any staredown, which defeats the purpose of being dominant. In short, I don’t care at all.

Punk is warming up when Otunga comes up and says that Punk should apologize to Cole before he competes tonight, on the orders of Johnny Ace. Punk says he’ll think about it after he wins the title.

Rock has a mic and talks about being here when he was 5 years old and hanging out with Andre the Giant (which he repeats) while he watches his dad defend his WWCensored tag titles. He debuted here in November of 96 with the worst haircut ever and a stupid outfit but they chanted his name. That was the beginning of an odyssey and he went through the company, winning everything in sight. He talks about Awesome Truth a bit and this is going WAY too long at about five minutes now. Now Rock starts a song number, asking the fans to sing New York with him. WAY too long here but the fans were into it.

Team Barrett vs. Team Orton

Wade Barrett, Hunico, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Cody Rhodes
Randy Orton, Kofi Kingston, Sin Cara, Mason Ryan, Sheamus

This is the match that I’ve wanted to see more than any other. Ziggler vs. Kofi starts us off after an eternity of entrances. Cara is in white and Rhodes has knee pads. Off to Orton and the RKO ends Ziggler in about 4 seconds. Team Barrett huddles up but Orton jumps them and picks Barrett to beat up. Everything breaks down and Team Orton stands tall. Kofi and Cara try stereo dives but Cara hooks his leg on the ropes and is holding his knee. Great. The fans, again, want Ryder. Cara is eliminated and we’re down to 4-4. I’m not so sure how planned that was, but it looked like he grabbed the rope so maybe it was planned.

Rhodes vs. Orton now and make that Ryan vs. Hunico. I don’t expect these two to be in there that long. Hey I’m right as it’s off to Kofi very quickly. Kofi runs into a slingshot move and goes crotch first into the buckle for two. Wade in now and it’s time for a chinlock. Back to Ryan vs. Hunico and Wales beats up Mexico a bit. Hunico makes a blind tag to Cody who hits the Beautiful Disaster and Cross Rhodes for the pin and a pop plus a chant.

Off to Sheamus vs. Rhodes and Sheamus powers him into the ropes for the pounding forearms which gets counted along with. Get the fans involved in a match, even with something like that, and they’ll love you forever. The referee breaks things up and Cody is able to bring in Barrett who takes over. Off to Hunico and we hear that Sin Cara is trending worldwide. This has been talked about all night by the way but I didn’t feel like bringing it up as it makes my head hurt.

Hot tag brings in Kofi who beats up the Brit because that’s what people do. Boom Drop hits as Cole says he’s emulating Shawn Michaels. Booker: “I never saw Shawn do a Boom Drop.” Barret avoids the kick but walks into a Pendulum Kick, as does Swagger. Wade drops him dead with a big boot though and Wasteland makes it 4-2. Orton comes in but is sent to the floor quickly. Hunico hits a suicide dive and takes over. Could he be more RKO fodder if he tried?

Off to Swags who hasn’t done much in this so far. Rhodes comes in to work on the arm and gets a near fall. Orton manages to throw Rhodes off and both guys are down. There’s the hot tag to Sheamus and one to Swagger as well. The paler one goes up and hits the top rope shoulder. Hunico is sent outside and there’s an Irish Curse for Jack. Barrett breaks the Cross up but is knocked to the floor. Sheamus goes after Swagger and it’s a LAME DQ to make it 4-1. Did I mention they made it a big deal that Orton is a 4 time sole survivor?

Sheamus kicks Swagger in the head before leaving and Orton gets the easy pin to make it 3-1. It’s Hunico, Cody and Barrett left if you’ve lost count. Rhodes comes in to pound him down but Orton fires back with the clotheslines and powerslam. Elevated DDT hits and he loads up the RKO. Barrett distracts as Hunico makes a blind tag. Springboard, RKO, 2-1. Barrett comes in and gets taken down but there’s an RKO to Rhodes. Randy gets too distracted though and Wasteland ends this at 22:18 with Barrett and Rhodes being the sole survivors. Cara has a ruptured patella tendon.

Rating: B-. This was fun but the botch brought things to a complete halt which hurt it a lot. The right guys survived too as they’ve been very hot on Smackdown lately. Randy laying down clean is the right thing to do and he did that here. I have no issues with him pinning Swagger and Hunico, but it’s good that they kept the top heels strong. Fun match, but it wasn’t as good as it was hyped up.

The Bellas hit on Del Rio when Ace comes in. There’s a LOUD Cody chant for this as Ace talks about Del Rio needing to take this seriously. Del Rio says this is the first defense of many in MSG for him.

Don’t be a bully.

We get a long video on Show vs. Henry and the ring breaking last month.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Mark Henry

The ring has been reinforced. Show shoves him around to start as I think the fans want Bryan. Show busts out a waistlock and armdrag of all things. Henry goes after the knee which is smart strategy since he can take it down with his power game. If Cara is out like he thinks he’ll be, it’s six months recovery. He lays on the knee of Show to waste some time. If they keep this a simple power vs. power match, it should be ok. The fans think this is boring and I can’t say I disagree.

The fans chant for Bryan now and Cole says he’s not here tonight due to the attack Friday. Show fights back with a DDT and calls for the chokeslam but Henry picks him up with the Slam for two. Splash gets two as well. An elbow drop gets two. Fire Henry chant starts up as does an Undertaker chant. Out to the floor and Henry rams him through the barricade and please don’t let it be a lame double countout.

Thankfully they’re both back in and Henry is ticked off. Henry headbutts him on the apron and they load up the superplex. Show breaks it up and hits a superkick of all things to put Henry down. That draws the required HBK chant. And with that, Show goes up to the top rope. He looks SCARED. After about a minute, LUCHA SHOW HITS AN ELBOW OFF THE TOP!!! It only gets two and even the MSG fans are into this now. That draws a Randy Savage chant. Show loads up the punch but Henry ducks and kicks him low for the ULTRA LAME DQ at 13:22.

Rating: B-. Man, this was some insane stuff. The elbow was NUTS and the crowd chanting was better than anything you’ll ever hear in TNA. The ending CRIPPLED this though as it was a fun battle of the big men until then, but that ending just sucked. Let it end by a double countout after the elbow or something, but not like that. It was horrible looking all around.

Post match Henry loads up the Pillmanization but Show moves at the last minute. Now Show sets to Pillmanize Henry’s ankle and drops a leg on it for the injury. Uh, Bryan anyone? No? Well of course not. That would pop the crowd huge and we don’t want that. Legit we don’t want that. It’s the Rock’s show.

Barrett says nothing of note when Awesome Truth interupts him. Barrett makes a Charlie Sheen reference. Oh good grief. Truth and Miz talk about Rock/Cena and Truth talks about seeing pigeons looking at a picture of Rock/Cena. “You know what they said to me? Nothing! They’re pigeons! They can’t talk!” Awesome.

The New York National Guard is here and get recognized. Think that draws a USA chant?

We recap Alberto vs. Punk, which King thinks started at Survivor Series. Del Rio cashed in then won it again at HIAC, so this is Punk’s rematch.

Raw World Title: CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio

Punk has his own ring announcer: The Fink. Punk goes old school ROH with the hoodie. The fans want ice cream. CM grabs a headlock to call some spots and gets two off a shoulder black. Both guys work on the arm with Punk in control at the moment. Del Rio heads to the floor as we hear even more about Twitter. Del Rio heads to the floor twice so Punk hits a suicide dive to take care of him.

Del Rio takes over and Ricardo gets in a shot as well. Punk chases after him but runs into an Alberto kick. Del Rio works the arm which is psychology baby! GTS is countered so Del Rio hits a single arm DDT for two. More arm work and Alberto goes up for another shot to the arm, getting two. He misses a charge and lands on the floor with a thud. Punk takes him down again (while shaking the arm) and they slug it out.

Punk takes over with a springboard clothesline for two. He calls for the GTS and Ricardo has a towel for some reason. The GTS is countered and Del Rio gets a Backstabber for two. The knee in the corner misses and the Del Rio enziguri gets two. A Codebreaker to the arm gets two. They go up and Punk gets crotched so that Del Rio can kick the arm again. He misses a charge though and Del Rio’s arm hits the post. The Macho Elbow hits for two.

GTS and armbreaker are countered but the second armbreaker works to put Punk in real trouble. Punk finally gets his feet on the ropes for the break and sets for the GTS, but he only has one arm. Ricardo interferes but gets kicked down. A big kick sets up the Vice and Punk is champion at 17:03.

Rating: C+. The psychology was pretty solid but Del Rio is such a boring character that I didn’t care in the slightest. Punk winning is a good thing as he was the hottest thing going on Raw for a very long time. Not a classic or anything but it puts the title on the right guy, which is what we needed badly on Raw for the past few weeks.

Fink does the NEW WWE Champion thing post match which brings a legit smile to my face.

We recap Rock/Cena vs. Awesome Truth which starts as a big love letter to Rock. The main event was set for Mania a year ago (essay coming soon) but Awesome Truth wasn’t happy. This is far more about Rock and Cena, as it should be.

John Cena/The Rock vs. Awesome Truth

Gee, who do you think is going to get the most boos? Rock looks great, more muscular that I ever remember seeing him. He starts with Miz as the bell ringer messes up a bit. Cena gives his shirt and a kiss on the cheek to Arnold Skaaland’s widow. Rock cleans house with arm drags and La Majistral for two on Miz. Truth wants him so Rock goes Owen with the wristlock counter.

Rock cleans house again and busts out a fisherman’s suplex to Truth but Cena is fighting Miz so there’s no count. Miz comes in and wants Cena. The fans think Cena can’t wrestle, so they stand around forever. Cena fires off a monkey flip and a dropkick but fans: “You still suck! You still suck! You still suck!” Cena loads up You Can’t See Me but goes to look at Rock instead. Rock sees Truth coming to jump Cena and does nothing at all.

So it’s Cena as Ricky Morton here as he gets beaten down, going into the post. Both heels take turns on him and we head to the floor. Fan: “Tell those pigeons who’s boss Truth!” Miz hits the low DDT for two. There’s the corner clothesline and the fans are either saying he’s awesome or awful. Truth pops Cena and Miz gets two off of it. Booker talks about Rock being selfish and we hear about the summer of 2001 when Rock beat Booker time after time.

Awesome Truth beats down Cena even more as Truth hits a dancing legdrop for two. Hulk Hogan he’s not. He goes up for a cross body but Cena rolls through into an FU attempt. Truth rolls through that and gets two. Cena gets in the shot that he needs and hits an AA out of nowhere on Truth. Miz comes in and takes Rock out though so the heels keep the advantage.

Another dancing legdrop misses and it’s hot tag Rock. He cleans house, hitting the Rock Bottom on Truth and the Sharpshooter is put on Miz. Truth comes in with the Little Jimmy to break it up so Cena spears him down. Great, another guy with the spear. Miz takes over but of course runs his mouth and gets caught by the spinebuster and People’s Elbow for the pin at 21:45.

Rating: B Fine main event tag match here and Rock looked great. That’s the biggest thing here as there was no doubt who was winning here. Now at Mania….I’m not so sure, but that’s another review for another time. Good stuff here and it was exactly what was advertised, which is the right idea here. Not that it means anything, but Rock has been in the ring which is the right thing.

Cena goes to leave but Rock calls him back.  They have a pose off and Rock of course is cheered longer and louder.  Cena goes to leave but Rock grabs him in a Rock Bottom to end the show.

Overall Rating: B. It’s hard to say this show wasn’t good, but it could have been a lot more. They were intentionally keeping the crowd at a lower key until the very end to pop big for Rock, which is ok, but it makes the rest of the show pretty uninteresting. Some bad finishes really hurt things, but Punk winning the title is great and Rock looked awesome so it’s hard to complain. Good show, but it could have been more.

Results
Dolph Ziggler b. John Morrison – Zig Zag
Beth Phoenix b. Eve Torres – Glam Slam from the top rope
Team Barrett b. Team Orton last eliminating Randy Orton
Big Show b. Mark Henry via DQ when Henry kicked Big Show low
CM Punk b. Alberto Del Rio – Anaconda Vice
The Rock/John Cena b. Awesome Truth – People’s Elbow to Miz

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Survivor Series 2010
Date: November 21, 2010
Location: American Airlines Arena, Miami, Florida
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Matt Striker

Well this has been built up for a good while now. The main thing here is who does Cena side with: Nexus or the forces of good as it’s Free or Fired. I really don’t know what’s coming here so I’m rather excited for this. We also have a decent build to Edge vs. Kane but I don’t think it ends tonight. Kane is a step backwards now but I think he still pulls it out. On paper this is a decent show. Let’s get to it.

We open with the old school run down of the Survivor Series logos and then we shift over to Cena. Wait I’m watching this on the internet so let me get this out of the way: CZENA SUX HE ONLY KNOWZ FIVE MOVEZ! There now that that’s out of the way we can continue. The people in the LD are right: this video on Cena and Barrett is awesome. Oh and Orton is here too.

US Title: Daniel Bryan vs. Ted DiBiase

At least Maryse looks hot. Cole is on Bryan for his music this time. Daniel goes for the arm to start which gets reversed. Some submissions master. Nice counter if nothing else and the lights go out for a second. Lawler: I like it when the lights go down. Cole: So do I since I don’t have to look at Bryan. He’s on tonight. DiBiase tries to suplex Bryan to the floor and actually get it in a nice bump.

Challenger controls and hits an elbow from the middle rope to Bryan who is laid on the apron. Think how Taker puts someone for his legdrop. I guess the lights going on for a bit made him channel his inner deadman. Bryan gets some strikes in but DiBiase just pounds him down. Dang Maryse is looking good in a nice little short dress. DiBiase gets a second rope dropkick for two.

Cole jumps down Bryan’s throat again. Apparently Johnny Rodz trained Striker. That explains a lot. Bryan speeds things up but still can’t keep momentum going as DiBiase kicks him in the face. Bryan gets a suicide dive to the floor and may have blown out a shoulder. Not sure if it’s legit or not. There’s the top rope dropkick so he’s doing on enough it seems.

Bryan gets a small package for two but DiBiase gets a clothesline so hard that Bryan backflips for two. Dream Street is countered twice but DiBiase gets a big spinebuster for two. Better match than I was expecting so far. Ted goes way up but gets crotched into a belly to back off the top. Nice job and Bryan’s shoulder is either messed up legit or he’s selling the heck out of it. That gets a nice two and here comes the LeBell Lock but it’s countered into a slingshot. And so much for that as the hold goes on and DiBiase taps.

Rating: B. Solid opener all around here. I don’t think DiBiase was a legit threat for the most part but he was fine for a challenger. This is the kind of thing I’ve been looking for more of with DiBiase giving Bryan a nice challenge but nothing he can’t handle and we got a pretty solid match out of it. What more can you ask for? Nice opener.

As Bryan is celebrating Miz pops him with the MITB case. He and Riley get in the ring and runs down the Heat (remember he’s from Cleveland) which is very true here as the Heat are just doing ok this year and have started badly all things considered. He shifts over to LeBron, saying he should go back to Cleveland. The lights go out again during this. He says he’s tired of carrying the briefcase. It’s a matter of when, not if.

We recap Sheamus vs. Morrison which should be good if their falls count anywhere match was any indication. Basically Morrison says Sheamus is a bully and is protecting Santino from him. Sheamus says he’s a former and future champion and Morrison is jealous.

Sheamus vs. John Morrison

I’ve been looking forward to this one. Morrison starts fast of course and sends Sheamus to the floor with a dropkick, followed by a corkscrew dive over the top to the floor. And so much for that as Sheamus drills him in the head. Striker says he’s enjoying the beating here. All Sheamus for the most part here. Lawler still doesn’t like him.

Lawler talks about the size difference, prompting various jokes. Sheamus is pounding away here and is getting close to that zone of his. Middle rope suplex is blocked though and here comes Johnny Boy. Top rope cross body is rolled through into a powerslam for two. I’ve always been a fan of that counter as it’s simple yet effective. Brogue Kick misses and an enziguri puts both guys down.

Sheamus is up first and we slug it out. Nice job of being an anti-bully by punching the guy in the face. Nice thing to teach the kids there Johnny. He looks all ticked off now and goes on offense. He walks into an Irish Curse for two though. The crowd is into this show so far which is a nice touch. We get our second slingshot into the post of the night and a Russian legsweep gets two on the Irish dude.

Morrison lands on the middle rope off a catapult and Sheamus takes the knee out. Solid back and forth match so far. In a move I’ve never seen before, Sheamus puts Morrison’s leg on his shoulder like he’s going to stun it and then launches him forward just by pulling it forward. That’s a new one on me. Half crab gets Sheamus nowhere. Morrison grabs a rollup for two.

Back to the knee and Morrison is in trouble again. Morrison sends him into the corner but Sheamus gets up before Starship Pain can hit. And there’s the High Cross but it’s countered again and the Flash Kick takes down Sheamus. A running knee gets the three and the WZPC Title is in trouble.

Rating: B. I liked this a lot. Rather solid match for the most part here with both guys getting solid offense in which resulted in me not knowing who was going to win until the end. That’s the sign of a good match and it paid off here. Solid stuff again and these two have a weird chemistry together which isn’t something you can teach. I liked it.

Knucklehead stuff.

Cena is in the back and here’s R-Truth again to complain about nothing in general. He offers a solution and Cena kind of rolls his eyes. Truth offers to interfere and attack Orton which Cena shoots down. Truth doesn’t believe he’ll be fair. More or less this sounded like a heel turn promo.

Intercontinental Title: Dolph Ziggler vs. Kaval

Basically this is happening because Kaval got his first win over Ziggler on Smackdown and is using his win of his choice. Cole runs Kaval down of course. Vickie does her usual thing. Kaval has some slightly new tights here. And so does Ziggler. Kaval kicks a lot to start and in other news I’m watching wrestling. A snap mare gets one. Who covers after a freaking snap mare?

Ziggler gets some basic grappling to take down Kaval. Striker wants Vickie and Kaitlyn. He must be hardcore. Handspring into a cross body (think Tajiri) gets two for Kaval. Vickie distracts Kaval and down he goes. The title has never changed hands in Miami. I don’t get the point of those things. They don’t really mean much but they’re better than nothing I guess.

The announcers exchange movie and TV references including Cagney and Lacey as not much is going on here. Kaval takes over with strikes of course, some of which aren’t even strikes. Kaval is the World Warrior apparently. NICE moonsault press gets two. A handspring sets up a BRUTAL kick to the face for two. That was awesome looking.

Warrior’s Way is avoided and Ziggler gets the sleeper on the middle rope. He gets knocked off and Kaval busts out a moonsault into a 450. No worries though as he lands on his feet. Well of course he does. Backslide gets two and a Fameasser (NOT THE ZIG ZAG COLE!) gets two. Both guys down now as this show has been SWEET from a wrestling perspective so far. SWEET enziguri from the top gets two.

They slug it out some more and Ziggler can’t put him away. Kaval goes for a school boy but Ziggler grabs the ropes. A small package for Dolph gets two as this is getting very good very fast. Another rollup from Kaval is reversed into a rollup by Ziggler to retain. Nice pinfall reversal into the ending there. May have been some tights grabbed too.

Rating: B-. This has been a SWEET show from a wrestling perspective as this is the third solid match in a row. When’s the last time you get that from a WWE show? Kaval shouldn’t win a title yet so this is a good ending for it. Ziggler is very good in the ring and has been getting to show us that lately. I liked this as I have every match. Good match again.

Team Del Rio talks about beating Rey and there’s a theme of speaking Spanish here. Del Rio wants to see kids cry. I like this guy!

Team Mysterio vs. Team Del Rio

Rey Mysterio, Big Show, Kofi Kingston, Chris Masters, MVP
Alberto Del Rio, Tyler Reks, Drew McIntyre, Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger

The crowd has kind of died which is sad as this has been a very solid show so far. Cole says the heel team is the best groomed team ever. That was a good one. The captains start us off here as I love seeing these matches. It would be nice to not have seen it at Bragging Rights but you get the idea. Cody comes in maybe 10 seconds after we start. Team Rey is all in blue.

Striker says Rickey Henderson might be the best ball player of all time. Just….no. Lawler has to get them back on track. You can tell they’re in trouble when he’s the voice of reason. Beautiful Disaster gets two and here comes Alberto again. Rey takes over and needs to tag. Ah there we go and it’s the hometown boy. Drive By kick in the corner and here comes Kofi.

Lawler talks about his mini clowns and mini kings. Here’s Masters now as Alberto is getting beaten up. Drew jumps into Chris’ boot and MVP is back in to beat up Drew. Ballin hits but we get the Mania 5 Rude/Warrior ending to get rid of MVP. Masters vs. Alberto now as Masters hits a Jackhammer for two. Masterlock can’t go on but Alberto gets a Codebreaker onto the arm and then the armbreaker gets the tap to get us to 5-3.

And here’s Big Show which I think everyone saw coming. Off to Swagger and down he goes to some chops. Swagger takes out the knee and brings in Alberto again. Dang he’s been in a lot. He slaps Show’s head and Show shouts HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Drew won’t tag in so Alberto tags him in. Show knocks Alberto out anyway for fun. Nice shot as Del Rio just crumbled. Something tells me that’s your ending.

Future Shock can’t hit Show who slams Kofi onto Drew for two. Del Rio is taken out and I’d bet on him coming out to get the win, especially since the announcer said completely eliminated. Kofi slaps Cody who LOSES it, destroying the table and kicking anything in sight. He yells at Chimmel to HOLD UP THE JACKET. There’s a blemish so Kofi slams him again.

Show comes in and grabs his face. Show yells at him and Cody hides, so Show just punches him for the easy pin. Reks is in and hits a big clothesline on Show to take him down for two. Back to Swagger as it’s 5-4 Del Rio but he’s out getting checked on. The heels go after Show’s leg but Show kicks him in the head. And so much for that as Show goes for the chokeslam but it’s reversed into the ankle lock. Has no face ever heard of breaking up a hold???

Show drags Swagger to the corner and gets the tag to Rey who goes nuts on Jackie boy. Big boot takes Rey’s head off though for two. Kofi interferes to put Swagger in 619 position but he grabs the legs into a SICK ankle lock. He can’t crawl to the corner so he swings Jack into 619 position but Swagger tags Reks. Kofi comes in but they can’t get Reks out even with a big top rope cross body.

Kofi misses his running leapfrog into the punches in the corner and winds up in the Tree of Woe. Kofi kicks him out of that and gets the pin to tie us up. Swagger grabs the ankle lock which doesn’t work and neither does the powerbomb. Kofi misses Trouble in Paradise and lands in the ankle lock to make it officially 3-2 with Show and Rey against Swagger Drew and Del Rio even though Del Rio is gone.

Show and Rey go for the Rey diving off Show’s shoulders but Drew gets a shot in and Rey crashes. Swagger vs. Rey with the masked dude getting a top rope rana to set up the 619. There’s the Show’s shoulder splash to get us down to just Drew in the ring. Yep I’d still bet on Del Rio coming back. Future Shock is blocked and the 619 sets up a chokeslam to end it. Apparently that’s it as Del Rio is gone. So I guess Del Rio was eliminated first?

Rating: B-. These are hard to grade but this was pretty fun. The ending was about what I expected but Alberto going out first was really weird and I was completely wrong about him coming back. It’s nice to see one of these at the show that’s supposed to have these matches. Rey and Show winning was kind of predictable but that works fine sometimes. Fun stuff.

Ad for TLC which is literally all stick figures. I liked it.

Randy says nothing special.

Divas Title: Natalya vs. Laycool

Man Michelle looks good in some gold shorts. I can’t imagine Natalya doesn’t get the belt tonight. Actually I could but it involves Beth Phoenix returning soon. Natalya is built. We start with some blonde on blonde action here which is never a bad thing. The announcers point out that both of Laycool are from Florida. That means a total of nothing but whatever.

Heel double teaming puts Natalya out to the floor and has her in trouble. Dang imagine Michelle as your teacher in like 7th grade. Natalya gets a suplex on both girls to send everyone down. They play up the whole this is Natalya’s life thing as she gets beaten down. That would signal foreshadowing and maybe it does as McCool is sent into the crowd. Back in the ring as Natalya sends their heads together and the Sharpshooter to McCool ends it.

Rating: D+. Was anyone really surprised here? This was about what everyone expected it to be and at least the right person won. Not a bad match or anything but a total break between the early stuff and then the real meat of the show which we’re about to get to. This change needed to happen so all is right with the world now. Ok not in the slightest but this was the right result.

Post match Laycool jumps here and I was right as Beth is here to kick their small but shapely figures. She celebrates with Natalya.

We recap Edge vs. Kane which more or less is Edge came back to Smackdown and won a title shot then kidnapped Paul Bearer. That’s about it.

Smackdown World Title: Edge vs. Kane

Champion comes out first here which is a little weird. Pretty decent pop for Edge. Edge brings out an empty wheelchair to keep up the psychological stuff. Edge fires away to start and pulls Kane not quite to the floor. Top rope something jumps into the chokeslam but a spinwheel kick gets Edge out of trouble as well as two. Edge keeps messing with Kane’s mind and it seems to be working.

Edge goes for the knee and controls for the opening few minutes if not more. Edgecution is blocked and Edge gets draped over the top rope and has his head kicked in. Kane keeps asking where Paul is. Apparently the only way for him to find out is for Edge to tell him and it has to be IN THIS MATCH. Why? Striker makes it seem like Bearer will die if he doesn’t do this just right. This isn’t Bash 04 dude.

This crowd is just boring. We get a Craig Pittman reference of all things as King mentions hearing once that “beatings will continue until morale improves.” Edge gets a top rope cross body for two as this is going VERY slowly. Edge gets a shot in for a counter as this is putting me to sleep.

We get some very basic back and forth stuff with nothing behind it at all. The fans just do not care at all here. The Edgecution hits as I’m just waiting for LONG stretches of time between typing anything here due to boredom. Edge sets for the spear but Kane kicks his head off and gets the chokeslam for two. And then Edge hits the spear to win it. The announcers seem to not notice.

And never mind as both sets of shoulders were down so it’s a tie and Kane keeps the title. I smell a TLC match.

Rating: D. Oh sweet goodness this was boring. We had to sit here that whole time for THAT finish? Are you kidding me? We had a tie at Survivor Series. This company makes my head hurt so often at times. I guess that it sets up a big gimmick match at the next PPV, but the downside is that it sets up a big gimmick match at the next PPV.

Post match Kane goes to beat up Edge but Edge counters and puts Kane in the wheelchair which Edge sends through the barricade.

Barrett talks to Cena about Nexus which began in this building. We get it.

Tag Titles: Santino Marella/Vladimir Kozlov vs. Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater

All of Nexus is out here for this but they don’t talk. Well other than Barrett of course. Slater vs. Santino to start as apparently Vlad has been teaching Santino Sambo. Oh great now he has offense. Nexus looks like they have more unique tights now. Santino gets the first loud chant in a good while. Oh what are you really expecting here? After Vlad gets beaten down for awhile Santino comes in and cleans house but Nexus interferes so Slater can get the pin to retain. It was maybe four minutes long.

Rating: D. This was the next to last match on a major PPV. Do I need to explain why this was a bad idea?

Nexus beats Santino down afterwards and it’s E-MAIL TIME IN SOUTH BEACH BABY!!! It’s just a reminder to not interfere in the title match and if they do they’re all suspended.

We recap Cena vs. Barrett. Cena is stuck in Nexus and if he gets Barrett the title tonight he isn’t fired and is free from Nexus. If Orton retains then Cena is fired. Short and sweet, so of course they take five minutes to set it up. Sweet video though.

Raw World Title: Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett

Cena comes out first and is all like come on let’s get this over with. Nice pop for Orton but not as big as for Cena. Immediately after the bell rings a fan shouts out YOU FREAKING PIECE OF GARBAGE! Not sure who that was to but dang it’s weird hearing that on a WWE show. The fans chant RKO and we start very, very slowly.

Clean match a few minutes in. This is going to get 15-20 minutes and no one cares about anything but the ending. Cena is being fair so far. They head to the floor with Barret in control. Barrett throws punches for two as Cena counts fairly. This has been about 80% punches and headlocks and we’re almost ten minutes in.

The one thing no one seems to talk about in WWE is the idea of Barrett just being able to beat Orton. If that happens fairly then Cena wins his freedom and Barrett wins fairly. It tells you a lot when a clean ending is a total and complete impossibility. The match doesn’t matter a bit here as it’s just window dressing for the Cena move, whatever that is.

A Barrett elbow gets two. Cena keeps having to explain that it was a two count and the shoulder was up. Barrett sets for Wasteland but Orton gets elbows to the head. And then he gets a Bossman (Black Hole according to Striker) Slam for two. Dueling Cena chants start up. Back in the ring Wasteland hits and Orton grabs the rope. Cena counted fairly.

Barrett gets in his face and Cena looks scared. Barrett shoves him and Cena shoves him into the RKO and counts the three. Hokey smoke. Everyone is stunned, myself included.

Rating: D+. The match sucked but to put it mildly this was all about setting up the ending angle which is going on as I type this. Barrett’s in ring style is something I like. This wasn’t horrible as the crowd carried a lot of it, but this really was pretty weak. It was all about the ending though, and sometimes that’s fine. Not terrible but just there as a backdrop for the ending.

Nexus runs in and it’s the Super Best Friends to take care of them. Cena hands him the title and he poses to his music and leaves. Cena stands in the ring and lays his wristbands down in the middle of the ring and gets a mostly face chant. He hugs Cole and Sign Guy then comes back towards the ring. He points to a camera and walks up the ramp. I feel like an idiot writing every basic thing he does. The little graphic comes on in the corner as he’s about to leave but he goes into the crowd to high five people. He goes all the way around the arena and the camera stays on him, and then he leaves and we fade to black.

Overall Rating: B. There were some boring parts (Kane vs. Edge springs to mind. Scratch that as springing would imply someone doing something quickly in that match) to this but overall I really liked tonight’s show. The wrestling in the first hour to hour and a half is the best WWE has put on TV in a long time. The drama in the main event was certainly there and while I didn’t like the execution of it that well, the point was to make us want to watch to see what happened and that’s what happened.

This show was high on drama and it felt like a major show. Having four good matches to start and some decent ones to finish on helped a lot too. The show felt like it was something you needed to see and with that all hinging on one moment, the extra stuff at the beginning easily make this a good show and well worth checking out if you get the chance. Good show.

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