Looking at WWE commentary screwing up Ascension.  Hopefully this gets it out of my system.

http://www.wrestlingrumors.net/kbs-review-ascending-disaster/33102/

Impact Wrestling
Date: January 7, 2015
Location: Manhattan Center, New York City, New York
Commentators: Taz, Josh Mathews

It’s a new era in TNA as they’re off SpikeTV and onto Destination America, meaning they’ll be lucky to have half the audience they had before. However, they seem to actually be trying to have a new beginning, which may help them a lot in the long run. The main story here is Roode vs. Lashley III for the title, which should be a solid main event. Let’s get to it.

Before we get started, remember that next week the show will move to its regular time slot on Friday at 9pm EST.

We open with a very cool video showing the roster coming to the arena and looking over New York City. Roode, Storm and MVP give the roster pep talks before we get a Lashley vs. Roode staredown. Kenny King throws a punch at Roode and the brawl is on outside the arena. I mean the entire roster is brawling and being recorded by handheld cameras. They head into the arena and it’s just a massive war. After about five minutes, TNA boss Kurt Angle comes out and asks the fans if they want this fight to continue. He asks where all the champions are and says all titles are on the line tonight.

Angle has one more announcement to make but MVP gets in the ring and cuts him off. The fans tell MVP to shut the F up and the censoring is just a big off. MVP turns his back on Angle to offer him a free shot but Angle just spits. This isn’t the same Angle who used to make people tap out and threw people everywhere, because his in ring career is over. Angle says he’s stepped down as executive director, but he’s been reactivated as a wrestler, meaning it’s him vs. MVP tonight in a street fight. Starting NOW, even though both guys are in street clothes.

Kurt Angle vs. MVP

Both guys are in street The bell rings and Kurt knocks him to the floor as we go to a break eight seconds in. I really wish they would cut that out and just start the match after the break. Back with MVP kicking Angle in the face and no commentary. Kurt rolls some Germans but gets caught in something like Lesnar’s Kimura.

Angle counters with a headscissors and grabs more Germans, only to have MVP go after the knee that put Angle on the shelf for so many months. The commentary here is light years better than with Tenay and Taz as there aren’t any lame jokes and they’re actually focusing on the match. It’s nothing great but I’ll take average over whatever TNA had before any day. Back in again and Angle grabs the ankle lock, only to be pulled down into a side choke. MVP is wrestling a submission styles here and it’s only kind of working. Kurt counters into the ankle lock again but MVP gets up, only to take the Angle Slam for the pin at 11:20.

Rating: D+. This was quick and didn’t need to be a street fight. I understand the idea of bringing Angle back in but I really hope he wraps up his in ring career soon. He just gets hurt way too easily and I really don’t want to see him get hurt even worse next time. The match was too short though and the stipulation wasn’t necessary.

MVP rants to Kenny King after a break and wants to talk to Lashley.

Taz and new commentator Josh Mathews welcome us to the show. The new idea is there are cameras everywhere and they’re pulling the curtain back. I can hear Cornette’s rants from here.

Ethan Carter III (with Tyrus) doesn’t like not being on the show yet. He’s a man of honor and doesn’t break commitments he made. His first commitment: to take Rockstar Spud apart piece by piece, starting tonight. Tyrus is sent to secure the target.

Matthews is glad to be here and throws it to Tenay, who is hosting a new show called Impact Wrestling Unlocked, which sounds like Impact with stats and facts etc.

Tenay had an interview with James Storm about the Revolution and how surprising it’s been to him. Storm says that was the idea, because he’s knocked everything this company has given him out of the park. The group’s members just flock to Storm because he’s preaching the truth to them. Tenay loved the Feast or Fired cash in but wants to know about the future. Storm gets in his face and talks about the devil being less scary than he is before whistling a lot. I still really like this idea and I want to see where it goes.

Tag Team Titles: James Storm/Abyss vs. Wolves

The Revolution took the titles from the Wolves back in late 2014 using a Feast or Fired contract (TNA’s version of Money in the Bank). Actually we’re not done though as the Hardys come out in street clothes as we go to a break before the bell. The match starts with the Hardys just on the floor as spectators as Edwards backdrops Storm onto Abyss, setting up stereo suicide dives. They work so well that the Wolves hit them three more times in a row as the rest of the Revolution (Manik and Sanada) just stand around watching.

Back in and the Wolves start double teaming Storm until Abyss pulls Richards to the floor and chokeslams him onto the apron. I love stuff onto the apron. Richards is in trouble for a good twenty seconds before he rolls over and tags in Edwards to fight off both champions. Storm misses a charge into the corner but gets kicked in the head and caught in a backpack Stunner for two. They’re keeping a very fast pace here and it’s working quite well. The Wolves’ painted claw marks on their chests are working as well.

Abyss tries a double chokeslam but the Wolves backflip out for a cool counter before a top rope double stomp gets two on Storm. Richards is pulled to the floor and Abyss catapults Edwards into a Storm DDT for two. Sanada and Manik try to come in but the Hardys make a save to prevent the DQ. Jeff and Abyss get in a tug of war over Storm’s noose and the distraction lets Storm superkick Edwards to retain at 6:13.

Rating: C. Nice fast paced match here but it didn’t have the time to go anywhere. I’m not sure why we needed the Hardys out there and I really don’t care to see them in the tag division. Storm has something here with the Revolution but does he need to be stuck in another tag team? Let him go after something on his own for a change.

Package on Roode vs. Lashley I.

Carter tells a camera to come with him.

Back from a break with MVP yelling at Lashley about not having his priorities straight. He takes credit for all of Lashley’s success and says he leads this team. Lashley pins him up against the wall and says this is about getting the title back. This calms MVP down a bit.

Jeremy Borash tries to bring out someone for an interview but gets cut off by Ethan Carter III. He brags about his accomplishments and does Tyson’s Kidd’s FACT bit. Carter does one up him a bit though by going to some fans with a mic to do the dueling chant lines. Carter apologizes for slapping JB a few weeks back and asks Spud to get out here right now. Tyrus drags Spud through the entrance and throws him into the ring, where Carter says it’s time to cut the rest of Spud’s hair. His SCALP chant doesn’t quite get off the ground.

JB tries to intervene and actually slaps Carter, earning him a splash from Tyrus. Spud tries to cover him up, but Carter has another idea. It’s going to be Borash getting his hair cut and Carter busts out the clippers to shave off a big chunk of JB’s hair. Spud freaks out but this didn’t have the emotion they were going for.

King talks to MVP in the back but the audio is so low I can’t make out what they’re saying. MVP holds up his phone and that’s enough for King.

Video on Lashley vs. Roode II with Roode taking the title.

Package on the history of the X-Division and the sound quality is lacking again. The voiceover is barely audible unless I turn the volume up far higher than it needs to be on the rest of the show. The video turns into a focus on Low Ki, who has been in the division since it started.

X-Division Title: Austin Aries vs. Low Ki

Ki is defending. Feeling out process to start as Mathews mentions Low Ki being the first ROH Champion and plugging WWE Hall of Famer Edge being on Taz’s debut podcast in the span of ten seconds. They trade headscissors as Taz lists off some Brooklyn landmarks. Aries kicks Ki to the floor but charges into a kick to the head for a nice counter. Back up and Aries fires off forearms to send Ki to the floor for a suicide dive. That’s a move they need to tone down as it’s the fifth use of it in less than an hour.

The missile dropkick looks to set up the brainbuster but Ki counters into a kind of dragon sleeper. Aries grabs the ropes and heads up top, only to get kicked in the head again. Not to be outdone, Aries kicks Ki down from the top and plants him with a brainbuster to win the title for a sixth time at 6:18.

Rating: C+. Good but not great match here and I’m not wild on Aries getting the title back. Again, it’s something we’ve seen before and nothing I really need to see repeated. The matches are going to be entertaining, but they need some fresh talent in that division. Swap some of the roster around and give Aries some fresh competition, because they can only do the same matches so many times.

Knockouts Title: Battle Royal

Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, Taryn Terrell, Madison Rayne, Gail Kim, Havok, Rebel

Taryn Terrell is defending. Before the match, Robbie E. is welcomed back to TNA after competing on the Amazing Race. He didn’t win a million dollars due to his horrible partner, but at least he still looks like a million dollars. Robbie rips on Brooke a bit more until Taryn’s entrance cuts him off. Gail goes after Havok to start before the Beautiful People put Rebel out. Madison saves herself on the apron but get dumped by Havok.

Velvet eats defeat and Taryn knocks Angelina out as this is a very lame battle royal. Like even lamer than most battle royals. We’re down to Havok, Terrell, Kim and Sky with Havok taking a double dropkick. Brooke comes in through the crowd and jumps Robbie. Terrell and Kim dump Velvet before Havok throws out Gail, only to get thrown out by Terrell to retain at 4:58.

Rating: D-. This was REALLY dull stuff and just there to get to the ending. I know they’re trying to make Havok out to be a monster, but I don’t think she’s had ten matches in TNA so far. How dominant of a monster can she be with such a short resume? I mean, it’s not like she’s Kong or anything.

Post match Havok jumps Terrell and puts her in a bearhug but the lights go out. They come back up…..and KONG IS BACK! She stares Havok down and chokeslams a referee for old times’ sake.

TNA World Title: Lashley vs. Bobby Roode

Roode is defending and starts fast, only to be driven into the corner for some hard shoulders to the ribs. A delayed vertical suplex gets two on the champ but he comes back with the Crossface to send Lashley to the ropes. I hope they’re not going with the idea of using the same hold over and over again until the other guy taps out. Mix things up a bit and build to a finisher instead of just starting it at first.

They head outside with Roode being sent into the barricade but coming back with a hard clothesline. We get an inset camera shot of MVP and King in the back with two masked men. Security won’t let the masked men come in so the security guy gets beaten down as we go to a break. Back with Roode in a chinlock followed by a bearhug. Taz and Mathews actually explain how Lashley is softening up the midsection for the spear later on. I haven’t heard actual analysis from TNA since I don’t remember when.

Roode fights out and they stare each other down for a cool visual. The champ takes over with a clothesline and a big spinebuster for two, only to jump into a Davey Boy powerslam (to go with the delayed vertical suplex from earlier. Nothing but good can come from watching British Bulldog matches) for the same. Lashley hammers away in the corner but gets powerbombed down for another near fall. Now we get to something new as they hit each others’ finishers for two each.

Cue MVP, King and the masked men as Roode grabs the Crossface. Lashley just stands up for the break, only to walk into the Roode Bomb for two. Back to the Crossface (cross forehead actually) but King pulls the referee out and decks him with a right hand. Angle comes out to brawl with him but gets beaten down. The masked men unveil themselves as Low Ki and Samoa Joe. Eric Young comes in with a chair….and turns on Roode with a bunch of chair shots. Lashley spears Roode down for the pin and the title at 20:00.

Rating: B-. I liked the match utnil the ending, which feels like yet another heel stable. Eric Young as a potential big bad drives me insane because…..how do I put this…..NO ONE CARES ABOUT ERIC FREAKING YOUNG! The match was good and I’m assuming this sets up Lethal Lockdown with Team Roode vs. Team MVP or Lashley. Not the worst idea but I’m terrified of another heel stable, especially if there’s going to be a leader with authority.

Overall Rating: C+. I’m torn on this one as I really liked the energy and some of the tweaks they made (commentary was WAY better tonight), but it feels like they’re resetting a lot of what they did back in December. Aries is X-Division Champion again and Lashley has the World Title back? So why put it on Roode in the first place other than to just give it a feel good moment?

The ending…..erg. This is the frustrating part about TNA: they can’t help but go back to the same ideas that we’ve seen so many times before to diminishing results each time. The idea might work for awhile at first, but then it overstays its welcome and turns into the same idea they’ve always had. Hopefully that’s not where they’re going with this, but TNA doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt.

The rest of the show worked pretty well though as they focused on the wrestling and advanced stories where they needed to. The Revolution is still awesome and Storm is nailing the cult leader character, especially with that creepy whistling. They also did a good job of introducing a lot of the new people. I’d call this a good first effort on a new channel, but the ending makes me nervous.

Results

Kurt Angle b. MVP – Angle Slam

James Storm/Abyss b. Wolves – Last Call to Edwards

Austin Aries b. Low Ki – Brainbuster

Taryn Terrell won a battle royal last eliminating Havok

Lashley b. Bobby Roode – Spear

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of the Royal Rumble at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PZ1GR7E

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #201
Date: August 16, 1999
Location: World Arena, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Attendance: 7,218
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

Road Wild has come and gone and thank goodness for that. It was three hours of bad wrestling with nothing happening and a bunch of celebrities not making enough of a splash to validate taking the spots from the other guys. We’re heading towards Fall Brawl now and I can’t imagine that show being any worse than Road Wild. Somehow I have a feeling I’ll be surprised though. Let’s get to it.

Tony is immediately praising Hogan for his glorious win Saturday. He also throws in that Sid is now 55-0 since returning. I’m guessing the idea is parodying Goldberg’s streak going so high so fast, because why shouldn’t they mock something they came up with and got over so strong? Sid gets a World Title shot tonight.

Stills of Sid beating Sting at the PPV, leading into this match.

Juventud Guerrera vs. Lash LeRoux

They trade crowd reactions to start and I don’t think most of them know who LeRoux is. Feeling out process to start with Lash dropping down into the splits and nailing Juvy with a clothesline. As thrilling as this is, the announcers mention that we’re getting Rick Steiner vs. Brian Knobbs for the TV Title tonight. There are no words. Anyway Juvy loads up a hurricanrana but gets countered into a powerbomb which is countered into a pinfall reversal sequence. I won’t bother telling you who gets the last near fall as Sid comes in to chokeslam Juvy and powerbomb Lash twice.

Sid wants a double cheeseburger with onions. Or maybe Goldberg. You never can tell with his interviews.

Steve Regal vs. Scotty Riggs

Regal knocks him back with a European uppercut, Riggs knees him into the corner, Sid comes down for the usual power moves for the no contest.

Hogan vs. Nash video.

Mike Enos vs. Cat

Miller guarantees victory in less than four minutes. I see no computer or Terri to say that’s correct so I don’t buy this stat. Instead of running away to prove Cat wrong, Enos goes right after him with a clothesline and a very nice powerslam. Despite being a heel, he asks if the fans want to see him punch Miller in the face, allowing Cat to nail him in the throat. Now I know this might shock you, but Cat fires off a bunch of kicks and Enos comes back with a series of generic power moves, including a clothesline and press slam. Sonny offers a distraction and Miller hits a big kick for the pin at 3:39.

Rating: D. Sid run-in, Sid run-in, Cat match. That’s their big way to make us care after the mess at Road Wild. Also, no Bagwell for his revenge after Miller attacked him after their match on Saturday. I do however like Enos as a power guy who does a simple job but does it well. He isn’t going anywhere of course, but he’s a good choice for a match like this, which went about as high as it was going to.

Berlyn is coming.

We cut to the back where Sid is beating up Silver King and La Parka, including powerbombing La Parka onto a bag of popcorn.

Cruiserweight Title: Lenny vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.

Mysterio is defending for the first time in months. No contact for the first minute and Lenny keeps dancing at Mysterio to play some mind games. He offers Lodi a hug and the champion nails him with a forearm. A reverse powerbomb gets two for Lenny but Rey sends him to the floor and takes Lodi out, only to have Lenny go up for a big corkscrew dive. The fans are actually shocked as that might be the first time Lenny has ever hit a big move. They’re also stunned that Sid comes in AGAIN to lay out all three guys, giving Rey the DQ win.

Sting comes out for the save with Hogan limping behind him. The superheroes clean house and Hogan says Sting can have a title shot next week if he retains the title tonight.

Public Enemy vs. Insane Clown Posse

We’re officially in ECW. We have to be. No other major company could possibly think this is an acceptable idea to air on national television. Raven (in his last television appearance with WCW before walking out when Bischoff offered anyone a release) wants to know where his pyro is. The Clowns jump Public Enemy while they’re stacking tables but are easily knocked to the floor. It’s Shaggy in trouble first with Grunge elbowing him low before a double tag brings in J. and Rocco.

The Violent Clown elbows the Flyboy (I feel like an idiot typing that) before it’s back to Grunge. Raven grabs Johnny’s foot so J. can…..well Tony called it a clothesline but it looked more like Luger’s running forearm smash. Grunge comes back with a double clothesline and the hot tag brings in Rocco to really clean house. A top rope hurricanrana plants Shaggy and it’s table time. Of course Rocco overshoots the table and barely drives Shaggy through it, almost completely missing the bottom table. Not that it matters as the referee gets taken out, allowing Vampiro to Nail Grunge in his Coffin, giving J. the pin.

Rating: D-. Public Enemy isn’t the best team ever. I don’t think it’s a stretch to call them one of the least technically sound mainstream tag teams of all time. The key thing though is they’re actual wrestlers. They’ve been trained and have some experience, but still aren’t all that great. However, they make the Clowns look like the Steiner Brothers circa 1991 because the Clowns aren’t wrestlers. They’re as qualified to be wrestlers as 7 year olds pretending to be police are qualified to patrol the streets. At least the Filthy Animals could carry a match, but this was horrible.

DJ Ran is back. Joy.

Nitro Girls. A bit more actual joy.

Here’s Harlem Heat in street clothes for a chat. They’re back together after Stevie got tired of being with four “fruit booties who couldn’t get the job done.” An open challenge is issues and Booker promises to “turn this mutha out.” I really think this speaks for itself.

Berlyn is here in two weeks.

We get what’s left of the Black and White for the first time in a good while. Horace accepts the challenge for tonight, which actually makes sense for a change. Norton promises to take care of Stevie Ray. Adams says he and Vincent will challenge Harlem Heat tonight….and the team beats him down for no apparent reason, ripping the t-shirt off his back.

Okerlund brings out Kidman for a chat and calls him a chick magnet. Gene Okerlund should not know what a chick is. Kidman says that he, Konnan, Guerrero and Mysterio are a bunch of filthy animals that love to party and chase the chicks (it sounds better coming from him). In a TOTALLY spontaneous line that is in no way designed to set up the next match, Gene asks if Kidman has seen the Nitro Girls pay per view. Of course he has and Kimberly is his favorite Nitro Girl. Cue DDP to start spelling respect before he slaps Kidman in the face and plants him with a spinning Rock Bottom.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. Kidman

A snapmare sends Kidman across the ring and Page slowly stomps away. An elbow drop with some shouts to the fans (the People if you will) gets two for Page but Kidman snaps off a headscissors. That’s the extent of his offense for now though as Page kicks the knee out to kill the crowd again. The helicopter bomb plants him again but Page pulls up at two. Tony forgets the name of the referee Page laid out at Road Wild and just trails off in the middle of his sentence. That might be better for all of us. Page loads up a fireman’s carry for the Diamond Cutter but Kidman spins out into a rollup for the pin.

Rating: D. This was an angle instead of a match but they still managed to be dull in the process. Kidman was treated like a guy way out of his league here, continuing this stupid idea that cruiserweights are nothing compared to the bigger guys. I’m assuming this leads to the Triad vs. the Animals, which wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world. It’s not a good idea mind you but it could be worse.

Page Diamond Cuts both guys to negate the upset. Kimberly has to come out and call Page off.

Here’s the Disco Inferno to declare himself a superstar, a sex symbol and an icon. The Filthy Animals have been calling him every day because he’s the future of this company. Cue Benoit to say prove it.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. Disco Inferno

Benoit immediately takes him down with a hard chop and the big belly to back suplex. A dropkick puts Disco down again and Benoit is on a roll. The Crossface sends Disco running to the floor and the fans are all fired up for the first time all night. Back in and Disco nails his swinging neckbreaker and clothesline, followed by the middle rope elbow and Russian legsweep.

They head outside with Benoit going into the steps, but Disco stops to dance. You can’t say he isn’t dedicated. He sends the champ into the barricade and gets in a bit more dancing. Back in and Benoit flips out of a belly to back suplex before planting him with a German suplex. Disco’s Last Dance is countered and the Three Amigos knock Disco sillier (but doesn’t mess with a bit of that hair). Benoit Swan Dives him to retain the title.

Rating: C+. As usual, when you give Disco the right opponent, he can pull off a pretty decent match. I was hoping for one of those jumping piledrivers to really make this close, but what else can you ask for from a five minute match on a show featuring celebrity clowns? It’s also nice to see Benoit survive his first title defense as this company wouldn’t shock me if they jobbed him out immediately.

Goldberg vs. Barry Windham

All of the Rednecks but Hennig are out with Barry. Goldberg beats up all of the seconds and pins Barry in thirty seconds with the usual. Well he’s back.

KISS is still coming. They’re seriously going through with it.

Horace/Vincent/Scott Norton vs. Harlem Heat

Non-title. Stevie throws Vincent around to start but botches a press slam, nearly dropping Vincent on his face. It’s off to Norton vs. Booker with Stevie staying in for a double back elbow. That’s it for Flash as he brings in Horace. You know, I remember about three years ago when Hall, Nash and Hogan were taking over the company and wrestling world. Somehow that’s evolved into this trio fighting in a dull tag match and getting beaten up 3-2. Booker drops Horace with kicks but goes after Vincent to give Horace a breather.

That’s enough of the talent though so it’s back to Stevie who kicks Horace in the face. Why overcomplicate the offense? The cheap excuses for the NWO get in some cheap shots from the apron, allowing Horace to take over with a DDT. A big shoulder sends Stevie down and the NWO starts taking turns. Norton loads up the powerbomb but here’s Brian Adams for the save. The referee, not even distracted, doesn’t do anything about the interference as Adams cleans house. In the melee, Booker missile dropkicks Horace to give Stevie the pin.

Rating: D+. So let me get this straight. Booker T. and Stevie Ray, perhaps the most successful WCW tag team of all time, freshly reunited and the new Tag Team Champions, needed help to beat Horace, Vincent and Norton? Also, we’re supposed to care about Brian Adams all of a sudden? At least this should lead to the end of the Black and White. They just need to be put out to pasture at this point anyway. By this point I mean a year and a half ago of course.

The camera follows Adams as he gets into a limo with a KISS license plate. It’s bad enough that they had to do these stupid celebrity appearances but now we have to give them stories?

TV Title: Brian Knobbs vs. Rick Steiner

Again I say let’s get this over with. It’s a brawl to start with Steiner dropping him with an early Steiner Line. They’re quickly to the choking before the brawl heads outside. Rick upgrades his choking with the dog collar before they head back inside for another Steiner Line. So far, if you count punches and kicks, Steiner is at four moves. Brian slams him down but his middle rope splash hits leg. I’ve always thought that would hurt the leg as much as the guy trying the splash. Hart offers a distraction with the collar but Brian is sent into him, setting up the Steiner Bulldog (hey he hit five!) to avenge Wrestlemania VII and retain.

Rating: D-. Of all the people they have in this company, BRIAN KNOBBS got a TV Title shot? You couldn’t throw some low level schmuck out there who might be able to do a single decent looking move? This may be a stretch, but Brian may be a worse illustration of nepotism than David Flair. At least with Flair there might have been some potential there, but everyone knew what they were getting with Knobbs but his friendship with Hogan kept getting him work.

Nitro Girls. Tony asks why Heenan never applauds them. Heenan: “It’s impossible to clap with one hand.” First, no it isn’t. Second…..I need a minute.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Saturn

The big bald guy drops Saturn with some early clotheslines but gets kicked outside, setting up a great looking Asai moonsault. Back in and Bigelow just launches Saturn across the ring because Bigelow is old and therefore doesn’t have to sell. He charges into a boot in the corner though and fires off right hands, only to be shoved into the referee. Saturn nails an AJ Styles style springboard forearm and nails a decent t-bone suplex. Cue Kanyon (why couldn’t this be Kanyon vs. Saturn? Too entertaining a prospect?) to shove Saturn into a bearhug, but Shane Douglas comes out to shove Kanyon onto both of them, giving Saturn a pin.

Rating: D+. I know they’ve taken their time getting here but the Revolution finally seems to be taking hold. Benoit winning the title and getting to defend it in a pretty solid match was a good sign and they even won a match over an older guy. I have zero confidence that it’s going to last, but at least it worked for one night.

Benoit and Malenko come out to save Saturn from a beatdown.

WCW World Title: Sid Vicious vs. Hulk Hogan

No word on what Sid’s record is after after all those beatings but he jumps the champ at the bell. Hearing Heenan suck up to Hogan continues to disgust me. If Hogan can be the same character he was in the 80s, why can’t the Brain? Well other than a complete lack of caring that it. Sid very slowly stomps on Hulk and drops a leg, sending Hogan popping back up to his feet. Ever the lunkhead, Sid stands in the corner with his back to Hulk, allowing the champ to hammer away.

Sid bails to the floor and thankfully doesn’t go off to buy a hot dog and a Coke. Back in and he can’t ram Hogan into the buckle but Hulk can do it to him. This riveting spectacle heads outside with Hogan nailing Sid with a chair and throwing him into the audience. For a change of pace, Sid hits Hogan with the chair and throws him onto the announcers’ table. He even one ups the champ by pouring water over Hulk AND the announcers! Tony: “HE SOAKED US WITH WATER!”

Back in and we hit a nerve hold because Sid worked so hard already. The fans chant Goldberg, but the water in Heenan’s ear makes it sound like Hogan. A clothesline breaks up the comeback and Sid fires off some right hands as Tony tries to explain how Hulking Up works. The chokeslam gets a delayed two and I think you know what’s coming. That’s right: Rick Steiner breaking up the comeback because WCW wants us all to watch Raw.

Rating: F. You know, I grew up a Hulkamaniac. In the twenty five years plus as a Hulk Hogan fan, I’ve sat through a lot of nonsense. Over the years, very few things have made me as embarrassed as this nonsense. It comes off like a Hogan impersonator doing all of Hulk’s greatest hits on a carnival circuit, but instead it’s the real thing on national TV. The matches aren’t any good, the live fans respond to a degree, but the TV audience collectively does not care.

Sid doesn’t make things any better either. I know he never was exactly a ring general, but this is setting a new standard for him too. He clearly doesn’t care anymore and is just out there for a check, but some of the stuff he does makes you wonder if he’s trying to make the matches even worse. This was two old guys (even though Sid is in his late 30s here) embarrassing themselves for a check and the company letting themselves die for whatever stupid reasons they come up with this week to validate it.

Trash fills the ring as Hogan is beaten down until Sting makes the save. Hulk covers Steiner for a three count and bell before handing Sting the belt to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. This was the Sid Vicious show and for the life of me I don’t know why. I get that they’re setting up Sid vs. Goldberg for the battle of the streaks, but my goodness do they have to have him mess up that many matches to get to the point? He wouldn’t break up Enos vs. Miller but he can break up Regal getting to hurt Scotty Riggs? Then to cap it off they have him lose the main event via DQ? It’s like they’re parodying the Streak and wrecking the midcard to get there.

While this show was bad, it was a different kind of bad than recently. Lately the shows have been bad because of how horrible things were, but in this case it felt like there were a good many bright spots being dragged down by the bad. The Revolution is starting to take hold and getting rid of the Black and White is a good thing. However, we’re looking towards the old guys dominating the main event for what feels like months to come and KISS next week. As usual, this company could be good if they would get out of their own way, but it just seems to keep getting worse.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of the Royal Rumble at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PZ1GR7E

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Royal Rumble 1996
Date: January 21, 1996
Location: Selland Arena, Fresno, California
Attendance: 9,600
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect

We’re in the Monday Night Wars era now and it’s all about Shawn at the moment. He’s back from injury and in the Rumble tonight, looking to become the second person ever to win back to back Rumbles. Other than that we’ve got Bret vs. Undertaker which is another of those matches that can be hit or miss. It’s hard to say what we’ll get here….well not really because I’ve seen this show a bunch of times. Let’s get to it.

We open with Sunny in a bathtub, saying this show is graphic and view discretion is advised.

The opening video is about how the champion is defined by Hart, as in Bret Hart. Tonight though he’s against a force who has no heart, in the form of Undertaker. The IC Title match (Ramon vs. Goldust) and the Rumble are talked about as well.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Ahmed Johnson

Last month at IYH, Jarrett hit Johnson with a gold record to set this up. Johnson is basically Ezekiel Jackson with a bit of skill and charisma. Jarrett immediately bails to the floor to hide. Back in he tries a hiptoss and Ahmed is like boy are you stupid or something? A headlock is easily countered by a throw from Johnson and a clothesline takes Jarrett down. There’s a World’s Strongest Slam for two for Ahmed and things slow down again. Johnson misses a clothesline by a mile but Jeff sells it anyway of course.

A cross body misses as well but this time Johnson goes flying over the top, getting his hand caught in the ropes on the way down. A HARD whip into the steps puts Johnson down and we head back in. Ahmed starts no selling stuff and catches a dive in a bearhug. That goes nowhere so Johnson sends him to the floor and hits a big dive. Back in and Ahmed misses a FREAKING SWANTON (remember that he weighs like 280) and there’s the Figure Four from Jarrett. Johnson powers out of it twice, so Jarrett cracks him with the guitar off the top for the LAME DQ.

Rating: C-. I was always an Ahmed fan so this was an easy pass for me. The image of the Swanton looked great if nothing else, which is more than enough to give this a pass. Jarrett was such a mess at this point and never went anywhere in the WWF. The ending completely sucked though and it really brought things down.

BUY OUR STUFF!

Diesel isn’t worried about the Rumble tonight and doesn’t think it’s Vader Time. He doesn’t care who he faces at Mania, but he isn’t happy with Taker being the #1 contender.

Tag Titles: Smoking Gunns vs. Bodydonnas

The Bodydonnas are Skip (Chris Candido) and Zip (Tom Prichard with a BIG haircut). They have Sunny with them and my goodness is she smoking (no pun intended) here. The Guns are defending. Skip and Billy start things off with Skip taking over with a headscissors. Just like Ahmed earlier, Billy misses a charge against the ropes and crashes to the outside. Both Gunns get double teamed until Bart ducks out of the way, allowing a charging Billy to dive onto both Donnas on the floor.

Things settle down a bit and it’s back to Billy vs. Skip with the champion in control. Sunny hits on Bart until it’s Bart vs. Zip. A gorilla press puts Zip down but he makes a blind tag, allowing Skip to take over. The champions are fine with the double teaming stuff too, and take over on Skip very easily. Sunny gets on the apron and is knocked off just as quickly, giving us a nice upskirt shot in the process.

Now we get to the important part of the match as Billy goes to check on Sunny, allowing the Donnas to pound away on Bart. Skip hits a nice plancha onto Billy before suplexing Zip onto Billy for two back inside. Billy gets to play Ricky Morton for awhile, being put in a chinlock by Zip. This goes on for awhile until we get a sloppy spot where the Donnas collide and Skip rams heads will Billy. This would work a bit better if Billy wasn’t about eight inches taller than Candido.

Hot tag brings in Bart and everything breaks down with the champions taking over. The Sidewinder (side slam/guillotine legdrop combo) crushes Zip but Sunny’s distraction lets Skip break things up and take Zip’s place. Ignore the fact that one has the straps of his singlet up and the other doesn’t, and the fact that they look as different as Demolition did. In an ending the Expresses used back in the 80s, the Donnas load up a double suplex on Bart, but Billy spears Skip down, causing Bart to fall on Zip for the pin to retain.

Rating: C-. Tag wrestling at this time was really weak with very few solid teams anywhere to be found. The Gunns were ok at best and the Donnas were only popular because of Sunny. Billy would turn heel relatively soon and would eventually join up with Road Dogg to form the New Age Outlaws and turn the division completely upside down. Nothing much to see here but it certainly wasn’t terrible.

We get some of the Billionaire Ted skits, which were unfunny shots at Ted Turner. Not his wrestling company directly, but Turner himself. I’m still not sure why they decided to do these but no one liked them and they came off as mean instead of funny or witty. Note Vince Russo as one of the executives in the board room skit.

We recap Razor vs. Goldust, where Goldust is hitting on Razor to mess with his mind before the match tonight. To say Goldust’s character got them in hot water around this point is a huge understatement.

Intercontinental Title: Razor Ramon vs. Goldust

The yet to be named Marlena debuts with Goldie here. Razor is defending as is his custom. Feeling out process to start with Goldust playing his usual mind games, which means rubbing himself. Razor cranks on the arm before grabbing a headlock which goes nowhere. Goldust goes behind Razor and molests him a bit to psych Razor out even more. They head to the corner with Razor having his head rubbed a bit, ticking him off even more.

Razor goes for the arm so Goldust slaps him in the face. Perfect keeps making sex jokes as Razor slaps Goldust right back in the face. He spanks Goldie once as well, but the painted dude likes it. We head to the floor where Goldust hides behind Marlena as the stalling continues. Back in and Razor tries three straight headscissors before punching Goldust to the floor with a single shot.

We get more stalling which is called playing mind games before Ramon clotheslines him right back to the outside. Razor has to move Marlena out of the way, allowing Goldust to FINALLY do something, taking over with a shot to the ribs. Back in and Goldust focuses on the ribs, but not too much because that might mean we have some speed to this match. A bulldog gets two for Goldust as does a slingshot belly to back suplex.

Off to a sleeper, which Perfect suggests Goldust could use to do “whatever he wants” to Goldust. Much like everything else in the match, this goes on way too long until Razor fights up and kicks Goldust low. He’s so spent though that Goldie gets a two count, causing Razor to start his comeback. He fires off his usual punches and the chokeslam gets two. A belly to back superplex hit but Marlent distracts the referee, allowing the 1-2-3 Kid to come in and kick Razor’s head off. Goldust gets the easy pin and the title.

Rating: D-. Sweet freaking goodness this was dull. It went on WAY too long and had a bad ending on top of that, plus the stupid “psychology” from Goldust which wound up being more unpleasant than interesting or intelligent. Goldust would get WAY better when he became more of a comedy/parody character rather than this freaky dude that he was to start his WWF run. The matches got a lot better as a result too.

Wrestlemania 12 is coming.

We get the usual promos for the Rumble, but we start with a statement from Shawn’s doctor who says he’s back and healthy. Thankfully this is kept VERY short and he’s not dull. We hear from Owen, Roberts, Lawler, Horowitz, Vader and Shawn. Shawn would be the most obvious winner ever in the Rumble since…..well since last year when he was the absolutely obvious pick to win.

Vince and Perfect talk about the Rumble a bit.

Royal Rumble

HHH is #1, having lost a match on the Free for All to Duke Droese, who won the right to be #30. Henry Godwinn is #2 and I believe he’s feuding with HHH at this point. Helmsley pounds away in the corner to start but gets backdropped down very quickly. The intervals are back to two minutes this year thank goodness. Trips pokes him in the eye and chokes away until Bob Backlund is #3. Backlund saves HHH before pounding away on him. These wide shots are showing how nearly empty the upper deck is.

Jerry Lawler is #4 as HHH hits the jumping knee to the face of Godwinn. The fans chant Burger King and you know Lawler isn’t going to pass up a chance to rile up a crowd. He goes to get the slop bucket that Godwinn brought with him, but Henry clears the ring and gets the bucket, throwing it over the top onto Lawler and some of Backlund. Bob Holly is #5 and things slow down a bit until HHH erupts on Godwinn for some reason.

We get some slow paced elimination teases until Mabel is #6. Still nothing happens so here’s Jake Roberts at #7 to an ERUPTION. No one is eliminated yet. Jake throws in the snake and everyone but Lawler can get to the floor. After nearly giving him a heart attack with the snake, Lawler disappears for a good while as he hides under the ring. Mabel gets tied up in the ropes and pounded on for a bit until Dory Funk Jr. is #8.

The DDT is countered by HHH as we hear about a friendship between Terry Funk and Bruce Willis of all people. Backlund and Funk go at it because they’re both old and I doubt Dory knows most of the other people in the ring. Lawler is seen hiding under the ring. Yokozuna is #9 as there are WAY too many people in the match at the moment. Backlund puts Dory in the chickenwing and is eliminated by Yoko for a prize. Yoko crushes Godwinn in the corner but Mabel splashes Yoko, killing Henry in the process.

The 1-2-3 Kid is #10 but Razor charges down the aisle to chase him away (not eliminated). Officials get Razor off the Kid but it takes Mabel beating Razor down to stop the chases. It amazes me that Razor wasn’t in more Rumbles. Come to think of it….he was NEVER in a Rumble. Omori, a Japanese star that doesn’t mean much yet, is #11. At the moment we’ve got HHH, Godwinn, Lawler (under the ring), Holly, Mabel, Roberts, Funk, Yoko, the Kid and Omori in the match.

Wait where is Godwinn? I guess he went out off camera. Yoko and Mabel double team Omori until Jake pounds away on Yoko to the loudest reactions of the match so far. Funk hits a double underhook suplex on the Kid as Savio Vega is #12. He spinwheel kicks Mabel down, allowing Yoko to dump the reigning King (Mabel if you’re lucky enough to not remember that gimmick). Omori goes out thanks to Roberts and things slow down again.

Vader debuts at #13 and lumbers around while not doing much. He picks Bob Holly of all people to beat on first as Vega eliminates Dory. Vader pulls Savio back in from the apron for no apparent reason other than he wants to beat on him some more. Doug Gilbert from Memphis is #14 and HHH goes right after him for no apparent reason. Vader and Yoko slug it out to a big reaction but Vader has to stop to clothesline Roberts out.

The camera work in this is really bad as they keep looking at corners of the ring instead of the full thing, making us miss a lot of stuff. Savio pounds on Vader until one of the Squat Team members (BIG fat guys who are there because they’re fat and look alike) is #15. Vader sloppily throws Gilbert out and does the same to the Squat Team dude. Yoko and Vader slug it out again and people respond again.

The other member of the Squat Team is #16 but they both get in to double team Vader. The Mastodon (Vader) punches their faces in as only Vader can do before knocking them both to the floor. Owen Hart is #17 and everyone but Yoko is on one side of the ring for some reason. Vader and Yoko double team Savio who doesn’t seem interested in selling at all. A pair of splashes in the corner crushes him, as do a regular splash and the big leg from Yoko.

Shawn is #17 to a decent pop but significantly smaller than Jake’s. Vader throws out Savio as Shawn goes after HHH and the Kid. Vader and Yoko slug it out a bit before slugging it out a lot. They fight against the ropes, so Shawn gets a running start and dumps them BOTH AT ONCE. Now THAT wakes up the crowd. If that’s not enough, Shawn gorilla presses (!) the Kid to the floor as the ring is suddenly very thin. Hakushi is #19 as the big guys fight on the floor.

Scratch the floor part as Vader gets back in and cleans house, but none of the eliminations count because he’s not legal. Once he’s finally taken away, we’ve got Shawn, HHH, Holly, Hart, Hakushi and Lawler underneath the ring. Tatanka is #20 as Shawn thrown Jim Cornette, Vader’s manager, out. Hakushi hits a Muta elbow on Hart in the corner as HHH of course goes after Shawn.

Michaels teases a bunch of eliminations to try to make us think he’s not winning. Owen dumps Hakushi as Aldo Montoya (Justin Credible with a jock strap over his face) is #21. Shawn gets sent through the ropes to the floor, where he pulls Lawler out and sends him back into the ring. Tatanka puts out Montoya as Shawn puts out Lawler.

Here’s Diesel at #22 and house is cleaned. There goes Tatanka at the hands of the tall one and it’s time for Shawn vs. Diesel which gets a pop but is too short to mean much. Kama (Godfather) is #23 as this continues to go slowly. Shawn pounds on Holly (why is he still in this?) in the corner as Kama and Diesel slug it out. The Ringmaster (Steve Austin who is brand new here) is #24. He’s in white boots which is a really strange thing to see for him.

Shawn does his usual overblown self safe as Holly and Austin fight. FINALLY Holly goes out after nearly forty minutes. HHH vs. Austin happens about three years before it would mean anything. Barry Horowitz (with the AWESOME rock version of Hava Nagila) is #25 and he goes after Diesel. Well no one ever accused him of being brilliant. Shawn nips up to knock Owen to the apron, but Hart skins the cat back in. Cool little sequence there.

HHH punches Diesel, so Diesel grabs him by the head and LAUNCHES him to the floor. The Game made it about 48 minutes which isn’t bad at all. MAKING A DIFFERENCE Fatu (don’t ask. PLEASE don’t ask) is #26 and he doesn’t do much. Shawn and Owen can’t suplex the other one out so here’s Isaac Yankem DDS (Kane) at #27. The ring is WAY too full but Barry is put out to thin it out a bit.

Owen hits the enziguri on Shawn which put Michaels on the shelf leading up to this match. Shawn hangs on AGAIN though and puts Owen out while we’re looking at a double feature. Austin kills Shawn with a clothesline and here’s Marty Jannetty at #28. Fatu superkicks Kane as the burst of energy from Marty is already gone. Shawn and Jannetty go at it because they’re former partners. Perfect: “They’re rocking now aren’t they?” They punch each other down and the British Bulldog is #29.

Smith goes right for Shawn because of what happened last year. I love little bits of continuity like that which you never get anymore. Davey puts out Marty as Fatu GOES OFF on Austin before clotheslining him out off camera. Yankem puts out Fatu and here’s Duke Droese at #30. The final group is Shawn, Droese, Diesel, Smith, Yankem and Kama.

Smith and Michaels fight to the floor and Owen jumps Shawn for good measure. Shawn shrugs it off and goes in to dropkick Yankem out. Kama and Diesel put out Droese to get us down to four. Shawn clotheslines Smith out before skinning the cat back in. Diesel dumps Kama and Shawn superkicks the tall one (in the shoulder) out to win for the second year in a row.

Rating: D. Oh this was DULL. The problem here was that like last year (although to a MUCH weaker degree), there were very few guys you could buy as a winner here. It’s FAR better than last year’s match but the crowd was dead for long stretches of this, mainly due to boredom. You could see the star power of the future, but that’s the problem: they weren’t stars yet and no one bought them at this point. The match isn’t bad, but it’s definitely not good if that makes sense.

Diesel is ticked off about the ending and goes back in as Shawn is stripping. They do their old Wolfpack thing in the middle of the ring (a high five where Shawn has to jump) and all is cool. Shawn poses for a long time post match.

Oh yeah we’ve got a thirty minute match left to go.

WWF World Title: Undertaker vs. Bret Hart

Bret is defending and Taker is still in his skull mask period. Diesel is still straggling behind and stares at Taker during his entrance. They brawl with neither guy getting much of an advantage. Since this is WWF, we recap what we just say two minutes ago. After all that, here’s the world champion. Taker stands in the middle of the ring and Bret circles him for a bit. Hart pounds away in the corner and Taker stares at him.

Taker LAUNCHES him into the corner which is one of my favorite of his moves. He chokes Bret in the air and moves very slowly. Off to a smother hold which goes on for a LONG time. Bret finally makes the rope so there’s Old School….which sets up the smother again. Bret fights up and hits a middle rope clothesline followed by a regular one to send Taker to the floor. There’s a dive to take out the challenger as this finally picks up the pace a bit.

Bret tries to dive off the apron at Taker but is pulled out of the air and rammed into the post. Taker rams him into various other things until Bret reverses a whip into the steps, trying to damage Taker’s knees. Back in and Bret works over the knee as this is going nowhere. The Figure Four goes on….and on…..and on……and Taker turns it over.

Bret gets to the rope, so let’s put on ANOTHER LEG HOLD! It’s that always riveting one where Bret drops an elbow on the leg and just lays on it. This is also known as the Dusty Rhodes Special. He does however mix it up by trying to take off Taker’s mask. After being in this for literally about three minutes, Taker smashes his free leg on Bret’s head before we head back to the floor. Taker chokes away with a cord and sends Bret into the barricade as we head back in.

The champ goes back to the freaking knee as the fans loudly boo Bret. Taker’s leg is wrapped around the post a few times and it’s back to laying on the leg. Dear goodness get this over with already. We’re over twenty minutes into this and NOTHING has happened. To save my sanity the hold doesn’t last as long this time and Taker fights back. There are some legdrops and a clothesline as Taker’s knee seems fine. He loads up the Tombstone but Bret slides down his back and guillotines Taker on the ropes.

A DDT puts Taker down and Bret starts headbutting the back. We get the Russian legsweep but Taker sits up. The bulldog takes Taker down and there’s the middle rope elbow. Bret gives the fans a thumbs down and loads up the Sharpshooter. Taker grabs him by the throat to block it but Bret knees him in the ribs. A double clothesline puts both guys down and we lay around a bit more.

Bret is up first and takes off the buckle from a corner. He goes for the mask again and gets it off to reveal….the same Undertaker we’ve seen for like five years at this point. Seriously he looks fine. Taker fights back but gets rammed into the exposed buckle. That gets no sold and it’s a Tombstone for Bret. Since this is such a dull match though, Diesel pulls the referee out at two for a DQ.

Rating: D+. This started VERY slow but got better for the last ten minutes or so, but the ending brings it right back down again. If this had been a fifteen minute match or so it would have been WAY better, but they only had so many other matches on the card, meaning this had to be longer. Diesel would face Taker at Mania of course.

Gorilla Monsoon makes Diesel vs. Bret for the title at the next PPV.

Shawn says the 90s will be his time.

Taker comes in to yell at Gorilla, saying that Diesel won’t be champion on his watch. Gorilla makes it a cage match so Taker can’t interfere.

Diesel goes on a big rant about how he’s not afraid of the dark and says he’s going to have his hands in everything from now on because the WWF is running on Diesel Power. This was his official heel turn.

Cornette says Vader cannot be ignored. He pretty much was until Summerslam.

Overall Rating: D. This is a really weird show to grade because while most of the matches got bad grades, it’s not that bad of a show overall. Don’t get me wrong: it’s bad, but it’s really not as bad as it sounds. The first two matches are certainly watchable, but they’re not that good. The Rumble is also passable, but it’s dull at times. Not horrible, but definitely not worth seeing.

Ratings Comparison

Ahmed Johnson vs. Jeff Jarrett

Original: D+

Redo: C-

Smoking Gunns vs. Bodydonnas

Original: D

Redo: C-

Goldust vs. Razor Ramon

Original: D

Redo: D-

Royal Rumble

Original: D

Redo: D

Bret Hart vs. Undertaker

Original: C-

Redo: D+

Overall Rating

Original: D-

Redo: D

Amazingly enough I liked it a bit better this time.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/15/royal-rumble-count-up-1996-shawns-texas-two-step/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of the Royal Rumble at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PZ1GR7E

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: January 5, 2015
Location: American Bank Center, Corpus Christi, Texas
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Booker T.

It took awhile to get here but we’re finally into Royal Rumble season. The big story from last week (biggest out of many that is) was the return of the Authority, after a grand absence of about a month. Now that they’re back they can oppose Daniel Bryan as he tries to make it to Wrestlemania to take the World Title off the corporate backed champion. Well it worked the first time so why not now? Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap from the end of last week with Rollins setting the stage for the Authority’s return by threatening to cripple Edge. I still have issues with a simple “I respect you” making up for all of Cena and Edge’s issues.

Opening sequence. We haven’t had one of those in forever.

The roster is in the ring and around ringside to open the show. Cena would like to apologize for what’s coming, because he had to go back on his word and bring the Authority back last week. He thought he could slide in at the last second like Superman and save Edge but he just wasn’t sure. Now the Authority is back, but 2015 is going to be…..cut off by the Authority’s music. Cole: “Stephanie McMahon on the left, HHH on the right.” In case you thought HHH had become a woman you see.

Stephanie hopes we all had a great new year and HHH knows we were all begging for them to come back. He mocks the guest GM’s and praises Seth Rollins for ensuring their return. Rollins tells Cena Happy New Year but HHH has a surprise for him: he’s officially added to the WWE World Title match at the Royal Rumble, making it a triple threat with Lesnar defending against Rollins and Cena.

That brings us back to Cena, because last week he showed that he knows what’s best for business. Stephanie declares tonight John Cena Appreciation Night and Cena’s attendance is mandatory. As for everyone else, this is a new year, meaning they’ll all get what they deserve. That means Ziggler is up first and will be defending the Intercontinental Title against Bad News Barrett. I see no reason why the entire roster had to be out there, but they’re out of the opening segment at just 8:14.

Intercontinental Title: Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett

Barrett is challenging due to Barrett having to vacate the title due to an injury. The champ nails a dropkick to start but tries to get too high in the corner and takes a kick to the ribs. We’re in a chinlock less than two minute in, meaning I don’t see this lasting long. Ziggler pops up and grabs a crucifix of all things to retain the title at 2:38.

Barrett destroys Ziggler post match and sends him into the and steps over and over. Cue Corporate Kane to say the Authority forgot to mention that this match is 2/3 falls. Ziggler is barely able to get up and Wasteland ties us up about thirty seconds in. The referee calls the trainers in before the third fall and we take a break. Back with Ziggler insisting he can continue but taking a boot to the face. Wasteland plants him again for two and Barrett puts him in the ropes for another boot.

Barrett cranks on the arms as Cole gets something as simple as Barrett’s hometown wrong (Prescott instead of Preston). We hit the chinlock on the champ but he fights out with a Stunner, followed by a swinging neckbreaker. The Fameasser doesn’t work but the Winds of Change gets two. I still really like that move. Barrett’s Bull Hammer misses and Dolph scores with a superkick for another near fall. Kane gets up on the apron and eats a superkick, only to have the Bull Hammer knock Ziggler cold to give Barrett the title back at 16:39 total, counting the breaks between the falls.

Rating: C. The match was good but it was almost all angle. Barrett getting the title back is fine and it makes him a five time champion, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up given his past experiences as champion. I’m curious to see where Ziggler goes from here, but again they protected him with the big beatdown leading to his loss. He’s looking like a bigger star now and stacking the deck against him is going to make that work as much as anything else.

We get our first John Cena great moment, starting on Smackdown, July 27, 2002 when he answered Kurt Angle’s open challenge and took him to the limit. The Undertaker endorsed him post match to really make it mean something.

Clip from last week of Big Show interfering to break up Rollins vs. Reigns. Show buried Reigns under the announcers’ table, only to have Reigns do the same to him on Smackdown. Reigns vs. Show again tonight.

Reigns doesn’t know what to expect tonight but he knows Big Show can expect a man faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall building in a single bound, and more powerful than a locomotive. Believe that.

Bray Wyatt asks Dean Ambrose about his new year’s resolution. Is it to become a better father or to get to know his imprisoned father? Well tonight he’ll get the chance, because tonight he’s going to be locked in an ambulance. Ambrose’s lunatic fringe will be forever locked inside his own nightmare. The devil is suffering and pain and tonight he walks beside Wyatt.

Here’s the Ascension for a chat. There have been a lot of dominant teams over the years, but they’ll demolish Demolition and throw the Road Warriors off the road. Oh what a rush? Oh what a JOKE. Welcome to the wasteland. JBL of course buries them by saying they couldn’t carry the Road Warriors’ bags and Booker calls them stupid.

Ascension vs. ???/???

Fall of Man in 41 seconds.

Lana and Rusev tell America to stay out of Russia’s business. How dare America disrupt Russia’s tradition and heritage? Only Vladimir Putin can bring this world to peace, and only Rusev is undefeated.

John Cena beat JBL to win his first World Title at Wrestlemania XXI.

Roman Reigns vs. Big Show

Show spears him down to start and steps over Reigns’ ribs. Some kicks have the ribs in even more trouble as the announcers do their job by reminding us that Reigns’ had surgery on his abdomen to put him out of action late last year. A hard knee to the face gets to more and Big Show gets back to stepping on the stomach. We hit the bearhug before Reigns fights back, only to have the Superman Punch blocked. They head to the floor and Show hits him with the steps for the DQ at 4:19.

Rating: F. Failure, for the simple reason that this feud MUST CONTINUE! WHY IS IT CONTINUING??? How can WWE sit there and validate keeping Reigns locked up with Big Show for months on end and think that it’s going to get him over? Just look at this match too: Big Show dominates, swats away Reigns’ big move, and then loses because he beats him up too badly. This was a Big Show squash until the ending, making this match an even bigger waste of time than it looked like on paper. They’re going out of their way to annoy fans at this point.

We recap the opening segment.

Natalya vs. Nikki Bella

Rematch from last week when Natalya lost in a minute. Tyson Kidd isn’t out here after possibly costing Natalya the match last week. Cue Paige, who started a feud with Natalya last night on Total Divas. Natalya shoves Nikki down to start but can’t grab the Sharpshooter. Instead Nikki blasts her in the face as Paige and Brie are about to get into it on the floor. Paige easily destroys Brie but the distraction lets Natalya roll up Nikki for the pin in 1:23.

Paige saves Natalya from a post match beatdown.

Ambrose doesn’t have any new year’s resolution other than beating Wyatt up and throwing him into an ambulance. This match is going to be brutal and end their feud once and for all. That’s the way Dean lives his life and it’s the way he’s ending Bray’s.

The commentators offer their condolences to the family of ESPN anchor Stuart Scott as he passed away yesterday.

Luke Harper vs. Erick Rowan

Noble and Mercury are guest referees. Rowan sends him into the corner to start but the referees get in his way. He nails Harper with a spinwheel kick but the referees argue over who will do the count. Rowan yells at them and eats the discus lariat for a fast count pin at 1:00.

The Stooges beat up Rowan post match, allowing Harper to hit another discus lariat.

We see Cena’s first night as an official member of the Raw roster. That’s the night he was officially anointed as the top star of the company.

The WWE Network is coming to the UK on January 19. Allegedly.

Alicia Fox comes up to Naomi in the back and says they’ll be friends after they’re on different sides in the mixed tag. Fox brags about being part of the Total Divas cast and talks down to Naomi for being off the show. She beats Naomi up and screams a lot until more of the cast comes up to stop her.

We recap Ambrose vs. Wyatt, which has been a series of hardcore brawls since Wyatt cost him the Cell match against Rollins.

Bray Wyatt vs. Dean Ambrose

Ambulance match where you have to throw your opponent in the ambulance to win. This is billed as the end of the story, which I don’t buy for some reason. They quickly fight tot he floor with Wyatt being sent over the announcers’ table and thrown into the crowd. They’re quickly up by the ambulance and Dean has a red cross table. Well of course he does. Bray comes back with a stretcher to the knees and they fight back down to ringside with Wyatt sending him knee first into the post.

Back from a break with Bray splashing Dean in the corner and tossing his hair around. I guess he’s a Kevin Nash fan. Sister Abigail is broken up and the Rebound Clothesline puts both guys down. Bray comes right back with a shot to the bad knee (because he’s smart like that) and they head to the floor again. Up to the ambulance and Dean is able to clothesline him off the stage for a nice spot. Bray sends him into the ambulance….where there’s a chair waiting. Dean pelts it at Wyatt’s head but of course the fans only want tables. I’m so sick of hearing that chant every single week.

Another clothesline drops Bray but the knee is too banged up for Dean to give it the full effect. Ambrose nails him with the back board from a stretcher before loading up the red cross table. He lays Bray on it….and looks at the ambulance. With the limp slowing him down, Dean gets on top of the ambulance and drops the elbow to drive Wyatt through the wood, with the table breaking so clean that it ruins almost the entire visual. Not that it matters as Bray hits Sister Abigail into ambulance door. Dean is still able to fight out though, only to take a slow motion Sister Abigail on the concrete to give Wyatt the win at 19:40.

Rating: B-. The violence was fun but this felt like it went on forever. I’m not really sure why am ambulance match is supposed to be the be all and end all of this feud. It wasn’t anything we haven’t seen them do a bunch of times, but at least Wyatt definitively wins the feud and can now move on to something else. Good brawl, but I’d have liked them to go on and do something new instead of the same old stuff in a different setting.

Time to insult the fans who still pay for regular pay per view.

Remember that opening segment? Well here it is again.

Usos/Naomi vs. Alicia Fox/Miz/Damien Mizdow

Another Total Divas match. The girls get things going with Naomi throwing Alicia around with ease before it’s off to Miz for a neckbreaker and chinlock on Jimmy. Mizdow gets the tag and is back out three seconds later before any contact. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone else? Miz ax handles Jimmy from the apron to the floor and it’s back to the chinlock. Jimmy finally escapes and makes the hot tag as everything breaks down. In the melee, Jimmy has to stop himself from running into Naomi, allowing Miz to roll Jimmy up with a handful of the tights for the pin at 4:12.

Rating: D. This show is dying before our eyes. The story is starting to drag as there’s really no reason for these people to be fighting anymore, other than the required crutch of a rematch that they just have to have. If they wanted to make things interesting they would have Fox get the new projects that were promised to Naomi to show her that Miz was lying to wrap things up, but something tells me the Naomi part is just going to be dropped.

WWE Network song.

Ryback vs. Seth Rollins

Wait a second as Kane comes out to make it a handicap match.

Kane/Seth Rollins vs. Ryback

Ryback runs into Kane’s uppercut to start but comes back with the Thesz Press and Warrior splash for one. Off to Rollins who bails in the face of a monster like a villain should. We get a Flair slam from the top and Kane is sent outside as well as we take a break. Back with Ryback fighting out of a chinlock but eating a dropkick from Rollins. Rollins chokes a bit and Kane puts on one of the worst chinlocks I can ever remember seeing. It’s like when you’re a kid and you do wrestling moves to your friends but you don’t know what you’re doing and it looks horrible, but this is a former World Champion doing it instead.

Ryback suplexes Kane down for a breather and nails Rollins with a nice spinebuster. The Stooges offer a distraction but Rollins takes the Meat Hook anyway. Kane breaks up Shell Shock but takes it himself, only to have Seth nail the Curb Stomp. He does it again for no particular reason and gets the pin at 11:54.

Rating: D-. END THIS ALREADY! This show has been dragging on and on for the last two hours and I have no idea who thinks this is a good idea. Rollins getting the pin makes sense but if all the fans pass out due to boredom, no one is going to care. Also, well done on giving Ryback the big promo last week and then jobbing him here. You could have at least made this Rollins and Rusev to help build the match, but instead let’s just get Kane out there.

Big E. vs. Adam Rose

Rose actually takes over to start and throws Big E. into the corner before slapping on a chinlock. Big E. makes his comeback but we’ve got masked men for the DQ at 1:50.

Big E. takes a powerbomb/Blockbuster combo and the masked men are Cesaro and Tyson Kidd.

Preview of tonight’s new episode of Countdown.

Here’s the Authority to introduce Cena for John Cena Appreciation Night at 10:58. We see the ending of last week’s show again and Stephanie calls Cena her hero. HHH says he thought Cena was horrible when he debuted and then he had to sit through all those years of hustle, loyalty and respect. Last week though, Cena changed his mind when Cena brought back the Authority. This ring is all that matters to HHH and before the night is over, a lot of people are going to appreciate John Cena (it didn’t make sense when he said it either).

HHH brings out Ryback, Rowan and Ziggler, none of whom have had a good night. He recaps how everyone joined Team Cena and now it’s time for the punishments: Rowan is suspended for thirty days, Ryback is suspended for sixty days, and Ziggler….has to wait while the Authority walks up the aisle in a conference about what to do. Their decision: they’re all fired. HHH: “LET’S HEAR IT FOR JOHN CENA!” Music plays, confetti and balloons fall, and Stephanie does a little dance to end the show.

Overall Rating: F+. The plus is only due to some good action when they could get away from the stories. This show was downright infuriating as they basically forgot everything interesting and entertaining from last week and took us back to the stupid Survivor Series fallout, which has now gone on longer than the build and pay per view itself. They were packing every single thing they could into this show and making sure that the fans had as little fun as possible.

Above all else though, this show lost me with how the announcers talked about Ascension. I know the team isn’t for everyone, but this company’s philosophy seems to be “let’s put every possible thing against the new guys and see how hard they’re willing to get it over.” Then when it fails, oh well it wasn’t the company’s fault for whatever reason. The announcers referred to the new team as stupid and basically called them worthless. I’m so glad they got a year as NXT Tag Team Champions only to be shot down like this a week after they debut.

That’s just part of the downside to this show. It just went on and on and kept feeling like they were trying to get on the fans’ nerves. And for what? To set up some big moment where the Authority is defeated? Again? As in after they were defeated at Wrestlemania and then again at Survivor Series? I’m supposed to care that they lose again, only to come back a few months later like nothing ever happened? This show drove me crazy and I gave up on it about an hour in. If this is the start of the Road to Wrestlemania, we’re in for a long, long ride.

Results

Bad News Barrett b. Dolph Ziggler – Bull Hammer

Ascension b. ???/??? – Fall of Man to #1

Roman Reigns b. Big Show via DQ when Big Show used the stairs

Natalya b. Nikki Bella – Rollup

Luke Harper b. Erick Rowan – Discus lariat

Bray Wyatt b. Dean Ambrose – Wyatt threw Ambrose in the ambulance

Alicia Fox/Miz/Damien Mizdow b. Naomi/Usos – Rollup with a handful of tights

Big E. b. Adam Rose via DQ when Cesaro and Tyson Kidd interfered

Seth Rollins/Kane b. Ryback – Curb Stomp

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of the Royal Rumble at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

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I needed some time to think about this one….and for the New Year but the former sounds better. This show ended the year and for once felt like something that was a much bigger deal than the last several weeks of shows. There’s a simple yet overarching theme for this show which has one major outlier, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Let’s get to it.

Guest GM’s Edge (wearing a Sami Zayn shirt, despite rumors that Zayn won’t be on the main roster until 2016) and Christian opened things up and instantly showed more energy than most of the roster combined. There’s a chemistry between them that few tag teams have ever had before. They made lame matches but Lesnar and Heyman came out to threaten the retired Canadians. Yes Christian, the guy that hasn’t been able to go six months without being injured and barely ever wrestles anymore is retired. Why did this surprise anyone?

Cena came out and tried an AA on Lesnar but Brock bailed. This was a bit shorter than most opening segments but felt rather pointless. Stuff like spending two or three minutes setting up the Cutting Edge Peep Show for later really could have been cut out and just announced later on. It feels like they’re just taking extra time because they can, and that makes for a very dull show. Also Lesnar really didn’t need to be here for this segment as he came out, looked menacing and then ran when Cena tried the AA. How many thousands did he make for that?

Ziggler beat Rusev in a non-title champion vs. champion match that had the same problem as so many matches recently: the ending was obvious from the second the match was announced. This makes for some very dull moments, as instead of getting into a match and wondering about the drama, you’re sitting there waiting for one of the guys to get counted out or disqualified. The match was good enough while it lasted, but I never got into any of the near falls.

Ryback made the save after the match and stayed in the ring after the match. He gave a long speech about the story of his career, focusing on his leg injury that kept him out for over a year and how he has his dream job now, but wants to make Rusev his next meal. In about five minutes, Ryback has established a better connection with the fans that Roman Reigns has established in all the months he’s been pushed.

He told us something about him that we may not have known and it’s given us a reason to care about him. Even if it’s something this simple, just talking to the fans for a minute instead of reading off some prepared statement that may or may not fit your character is going to do wonders for a lot of the guys. This wasn’t anything profound, but it did more for Ryback than anything else he’s done since he debuted. I’d really like to see more of this kind of thing from a lot of the wrestlers, especially if it means sacrificing some stupid comedy match or backstage segment that doesn’t avance anything.

Nikki beat Natalya in just over a minute, making her entire run of fighting the Bellas a huge waste of time.

The Usos took the Tag Team Titles back from Miz/Mizdow in a surprising ending. My guess is this sets up Mizdow’s face turn, but I really don’t know how far he’s going to go after that. It’s the difference between something someone is doing getting over and that someone getting over. Sandow is getting reactions right now for imitating Miz, but what happens when he can’t do that anymore?

Cesaro cut a Ravenesque promo talking about how the company says he doesn’t connect with the fans. He doesn’t care about connecting because all that matters is what he does inside this ring. That’s an important line because he actually said these four ropes, so Cole spent the entire match burying him for the slip up. Stuff like that is what drives me crazy about WWE anymore. It’s basically a bad comedy hour to get the announcers’ characters over and if they have to bury the talent and ignore the promos and matches in the process, that’s just fine.

Bad News Barrett returned to beat Cesaro, making the entire promo pointless anyway. If you didn’t know it was a waste already, just listen to Cole rip on Cesaro for a simple slip of the tongue. I’d LOVE to ask Vince why he’s ok with that kind of commentary.

Luke Harper cut another great promo in the shadows, calling himself a nightmare come to life. These things are like 15 seconds long each and are absolutely chilling. He then beat Jack Swagger in a match that was much better than I was expecting. It still wasn’t very good but it did its job very well.

Cena and Edge buried the hatchet to officially end their feud. Did anyone think it was still going? Apparently the writers did because this becomes something resembling a plot point later.

The long match of the night saw Roman Reigns beat Seth Rollins via DQ when Big Show interfered. I know a lot of people (myself included) haven’t been thrilled with Reigns as he’s scheduled to go to the top of the company, but no one can make a long feud with Big Show seem interesting. But again, he’s a guy in his 40s who has been around forever and that makes him exactly the same as Shawn, Undertaker or HHH right?

Bray Wyatt said his usual stuff about the ambulance match with Ambrose next week. This is being billed as the end of their feud.

Daniel Bryan came out, teased the audience for a bit, and announced that he was going to continue his career and enter the 2015 Royal Rumble. This is GREAT news and not just from a wrestling perspective. The guy has worked so hard over the years and finally saw it pay off, only to almost have it all take away. He deserves this chance and I hope he’s around for years to come. I smiled a lot when he said he’s coming back and I’m sure a lot of other people did too.

Ascension debuted and squashed Miz/Mizdow. This was called a waste of time by some fans, but what else would you like them to do here?

The big ending to the show was the Cutting Edge Peep Show with guest Seth Rollins. Seth also brought out the Big Show before nailing Christian and putting Edge’s head on the briefcase. He threatened to break Edge’s neck unless Cena brought back the Authority, and that’s where we need to stop for a little chat.

There are two ways of looking at this and thankful one is a bigger deal than the other. First of all, Seth Rollins looks like the epitome of EVIL here as he’s threatening to cripple a husband and father for the sake of bringing back the Authority. This is how a heel is supposed to do things. Not with lawyers or winning because of a distraction, but by threatening to do horrible things to someone who can’t defend himself. I loved that part and it made Rollins feel like a top heel.

The downside is he’s basically doing all this so his big buddies can come back because he can’t handle life without them around. Rollins goes from pure evil to a lapdog for the Authority because WE MUST PRAISE THE AUTHORITY EVERY CHANCE WE GET OR THEY MIGHT BE SAD AND DESTROY THE UNIVERSE! It gets very tiresome hearing Rollins, who has had the best 2014 of anyone, whine because the Authority is gone. It’s ok to have someone get over without them, but WWE doesn’t seem to see things that way.

Anyway, Cena allowed the Authority to come back but Rollins tried to cripple Edge anyway. That’s more of that “pure evil” thing I was talking about. I even said to myself that if he’s a real villain, he’ll hurt Edge anyway, and that’s exactly what he tried to do. The numbers beat Cena down though and Lesnar and Heyman came out to celebrate….and so did the Authority. Well of course they’re here, just in case Rollins had some master plan to bring them back and Cena just happened to make up with Edge and wanted to save him.

So yeah the Authority is back, four weeks after we last saw them. I knew they were coming back at some point, but I really don’t see the need for it to be this soon. Couldn’t they have done this after the Rumble, giving them two months to prepare for Wrestlemania? Having them be in the back ruined whatever suspension of disbelief I can have in wrestling and it really got on my nerves. They’re back though, and I’m sure dozens of people somewhere are thrilled by it.

Overall, I actually liked this show quite a bit for one simple reason: stuff actually happened. Instead of just rehashing the same Survivor Series matches over and over, we actually got some fresh stories and promo time from the wrestlers to let them build up their characters. The ending was annoying but at least it’s going to get us onto the Road to Wrestlemania. Give us more of the talking and character development and less of the repeats and we’ll be in a much better place. Well that and cut out the extra hour but that goes without saying.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of the Royal Rumble at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

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Royal Rumble 1995
Date: January 22, 1995
Location: USF Sun Dome, Tampa, Florida
Attendance: 10,000
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler

Oh dang it 1995 WWF still exists. This is that year that no one likes to talk about and you have to fly through it as fast as you can or you might risk seeing something on it. The big twist this year is that the intervals in the Rumble are only 60 seconds, so the whole match is like 40 minutes long. The other problem is that Diesel is WWF Champion here. The good news is that he’s facing Bret Hart, one of the two men capable of dragging an awesome match out of him. Let’s get to it.

We open with the big deal about tonight’s show: Pamela Anderson arrives. She’ll be escorting the winner of the Rumble to the ring at Wrestlemania. A bunch of guys arrive to greet her.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

Jarrett is challenging and now has the Roadie with him. Razor starts with his usual assortment of punches and a fallaway slam to send Jeff to the floor. After a little toweling off on the floor, Jeff armdrags Razor down and struts. They trade arm holds until Razor gets taken to the mat where Jeff messes with his hair. Careful with the grease there Jeff. Razor gets annoyed and knocks Jeff to the floor for some more Memphis stalling.

Jeff gets back in and is immediately puts in an armbar where Razor can mess with Jarrett’s hair. Some dropkicks floor the champ and a clothesline gets two. Razor catches a boot coming and ducks the enziguri from Jeff, but Razor misses an elbow to keep Jarrett in control. We hit the chinlock followed by a sunset flip by Jeff for two. Another dropkick gets the same and Jarrett is getting frustrated.

Jarrett hooks a sleeper but Razor quickly counters. The counter doesn’t last long though as Jeff hits a swinging neckbreaker for two. Ramon slides behind Jeff in the corner and crotches him on the post to a big pop. We get a messed up (not botched mind you) spot where Razor was going to try a bulldog off the middle rope but Jeff turns around and it had to be a clothesline. Eh no harm no foul. Jeff backdrops Razor to the floor, injuring the champ’s knee. Roadie clips him in the knee and Razor gets counted out.

We won’t get to the rating just yet. Post match Jeff calls Razor a coward for taking the easy way out like that and calls him back into the ring. Razor pulls a Marty McFly and takes the bait, giving us another match.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

Razor tries some quick rollups for two but Jeff goes right for the knee to take over. Jeff does his best Ric Flair imitation but as he goes for the third cannonball down onto the leg, Razor kicks him over the top and out to the floor. Back in and Jarrett puts on the Figure Four, putting Razor in a lot of trouble. Razor escapes and starts his comeback with punches and the belly to back superplex but Jeff counters in mid air for two. Razor clotheslines him down and loads up the Edge, but the knee gives out and Jeff rolls him up for the pin and the title.

Rating: C+. I always remember liking this match and it holds up pretty well. Memphis stalling isn’t for everyone but it’s a good way of drawing heel heat, which Jeff might as well have been an iceberg for otherwise. Razor was awesome at this point and had good chemistry with Jeff, so this worked pretty well all around. The ending was smart as it was Razor’s trademark ending for house shows, but he would usually win in about 30 seconds with the Razor’s Edge. Nice to see them switch things up here.

Pamela Anderson has been given a lot of gifts from various wrestlers. One of the running gags on this show is that Pamela clearly doesn’t want to be here at all and has these “GET ME OUT OF HERE” looks on her face the whole night. Todd Pettingill tries to hit on her and completely fails of course.

Jeff says it’s time to celebrate.

IRS vs. The Undertaker

This is the start of the Undertaker vs. Million Dollar Team feud which went on FOREVER. The bell rings and we stand around a lot. IRS tries to jump Taker from behind and it goes nowhere. Taker glares him down to the floor and the stalling continues. IRS slides in, gets glared down, and hides on the floor again. Finally we head back in with IRS pounding away and getting kicked in the face for his efforts.

Taker grabs him by the tie and swings him out of the corner, followed by Old School as this is dominance so far. IRS and DiBiase get in an argument on the floor, causing DiBiase to call for some druids. Taker loads up Old School again but the druid shakes the rope and Taker goes down. A clothesline puts Taker on the floor where he beats on the druids a bit before IRS jumps him from behind.

The druids send Taker into the steps and there’s an abdominal stretch by IRS. That goes nowhere so Taker misses an elbow to really slow himself down. IRS hits some basic stuff as the crowd is almost completely silent. Druid interference gets two for IRS and also allows him to escape the Tombstone. A clothesline puts Taker down but he pops up and hits a chokeslam for the pin.

Rating: D. At the end of the day, this was about thirteen minutes of Taker beating up IRS. I mean….did ANYONE buy IRS as a threat to the Dead Man here? That was the problem with the eight month long feud between Taker and DiBiase’s group: no one on the team was a real threat to him at all. Bad match here but that had to be expected.

Post match Taker beats up the druids and has a staredown with King Kong Bundy. During the staring, IRS steals the Urn. There’s the launch of the feud and Bundy beats up Taker for awhile.

Diesel doesn’t have much to say about his match with Bret.

Bret is ready for his chance at the title.

WWF World Title: Diesel vs. Bret Hart

Diesel is defending in case you’re really slow. Bret tries to brawl to start but is almost immediately knocked down by a big shot to the face. A clothesline puts Bret on the floor where he chills for a bit. Back in and Bret goes after the knee like a smart Hitman. He puts on a quick Figure Four and after a good deal of time in it, Diesel gets to the rope. Bret does something you hardly ever see enough: he puts the same hold back on. Why don’t more people do that? He had Diesel in trouble, so why mess with what was working?

Diesel makes the rope again and heads to the floor where Bret hits a suicide dive to have the champ reeling. Diesel shrugs it off and sends Hart into the steps to get a breather. With Bret in the ropes, Diesel hits the running crotch attack to his back. There’s a backbreaker to Bret and Diesel bends him across the knee a bit. Bret fires off some right hands but gets whipped hard into the buckle to stop him cold.

The champ loads up the Jackknife but instead puts Bret on his shoulder for a backbreaker. Why he doesn’t JACKKNIFE HIM WHEN HE HAS THE CHANCE is beyond my intelligence as Bret escapes. A big boot (Diesel’s leg seems fine) puts Bret down for two, but Bret gets a boot up of his own, followed by a middle rope clothesline for two. Hart goes up and Diesel tries to slam him off, but the knee goes out, giving Bret a two count.

The kickout sends Bret to the floor and he pulls Diesel’s legs out for the figure four around the post. Actually scratch that as he ties Diesel’s legs together instead and pounds away. The Five Moves of Doom get two but Diesel grabs a rope to block the Sharpshooter. Bret clotheslines him to the floor but a dive is caught in mid-air. The tall guy rams him into the post and hits the Jackknife in the ring, but Shawn Michaels runs in to break up the count.

Shawn beats on Diesel’s leg which isn’t a DQ for no apparent reason. Shawn and Diesel had split up at Survivor Series if you’re wondering why this beating is happening. We get a ruling that the match must continue to the delight (yes I said delight) of the crowd. Bret goes back to the knee, hooking another Figure Four. Diesel can’t get to the ropes so he hits Bret in the bad ribs to escape. Ah selling, how I love you.

Diesel is all ticked off now and pounds away on Bret in the corner. A gutwrench suplex of all things gets two for the champ but a big boot in the corner misses. Bret wraps Diesel’s leg around the post and blasts it with a chair. There’s the Sharpshooter but now it’s Owen coming in for the save and a beatdown on Bret. I would say there’s a great tag match in there, but Bret and Shawn teaming up would mean the end of the world as we know it.

The match is going to continue AGAIN though and Diesel gets two on Bret. The place is starting to lose its minds over these near falls. Bret sends him into the buckle that Owen exposed and pounds away as Diesel is rocking again. Diesel comes back AGAIN with elbows and forearms to the face before punching Bret into the ropes where Hart’s legs are caught. Bret is holding his knee but you never know with him.

Yep, he stands up and lays back down in some classic Hart goldbricking. Diesel goes for the Jackknife but Bret fakes him into a small package for two. Bret tries an O’Connor Roll and the referee is bumped. Backlund, Michaels, Roadie and Jarrett run in and that’s FINALLY enough for the double DQ.

Rating: A. These two had MAD chemistry together and this was no exception. They knew how to work the David vs. Goliath (I’m not sure how fair it is to call Bret David actually) formula to perfection and the matches were great as a result. Why the company kept going with Diesel vs. power guys is beyond me, because his best stuff comes against small guys like Bret and Shawn and always has.

Backlund stays in the ring and puts the Crossface Chicken Wing on Bret. This set up their I Quit match at Mania which even Bret admits sucked. Diesel makes the save and hugs Bret.

More Pettingill and Anderson stuff.

Bob Holly and 1-2-3 Kid are excited to be in the finals of the tag team title tournament.

Tag Titles: Bob Holly/1-2-3 Kid vs. Bam Bam Bigelow/Tatanka

Shawn and Diesel split up and we needed champions. Holly and Tatanka start things off with Tatanka hitting a side slam for two. Holly comes back with a slam and a few dropkicks as this is going nowhere so far. Off to the Kid vs. Bigelow, with the big man running over both of the smaller guys with ease. Bigelow LAUNCHES Kid into the air but gets caught in a rana to send Bam Bam rolling.

Back to Tatanka who whips Kid into the buckles a few times before it’s off to Bigelow to pound on the small guy some more. In something that actually impressed me, Kid backdrops Bigelow to the floor. Both small guys try top rope cross bodies but they escape and dropkick the heels together. Things settle down with Tatanka beating on Holly for a LONG time. Bigelow comes in, allowing Tatanka to distract the Kid. Holly goes to the corner to find no partner and Bigelow splashes Bob.

Holly gets beaten down so badly that he goes to the wrong corner and tags in Tatanka. Thank goodness this isn’t the Attitude Era because it probably would have been legal in some of their matches. Tatanka comes in for more beating on Holly until Bob FINALLY gets in a clothesline for the hot tag to the Kid. Everything breaks down and Kid is LAUNCHED to the floor by Bigelow. Bam Bam loads up the moonsault but Tatanka accidentally hits the ropes to knock him to the mat. Somehow that’s enough for the pin and the titles for the Kid.

Rating: C+. This went nearly sixteen minutes which was just too long. It’s quite good but it would have been great if they cut off five minutes or so. Those launches by Bigelow were awesome looking as Kid continues to be an excellent seller of moves like those. The idea was that it was all Bigelow’s fault, even though Tatanka is totally to blame for Bigelow crashing like that. The Gunns would win the titles back the next night on Raw, making this whole thing pretty pointless.

Post match DiBiase and Tatanka leave Bigelow in the ring, where Lawrence Taylor, NFL legend, laughs at him. Bigelow shoves him down, and there’s Wrestlemania people.

We get a recap of the 94 Rumble, focusing on Diesel’s dominance and Shawn helping to eliminate him.

Shawn laughs a bit.

We look at the ending to the match from last year.

Luger says he wants the title. Lex, it’s been over for you for like eight months now. Let it go dude.

Vince apologizes to Lawrence Taylor.

Here’s Pamela Anderson to watch the Rumble at ringside and MAN does she look miserable.

Royal Rumble

Shawn is #1 and Bulldog is #2. Shawn immediately jumps Bulldog but this isn’t going to last long. Remember there are one minute intervals, which was just a bad idea in general. Smith gets a quick gorilla press, but why throw Shawn OUT when you can just slam him? That clearly won’t come back to haunt him later or anything of course. Smith charges into a boot and here’s Eli Blu (one of the Harris Brothers, who were the big bald bikers who were around for WAY too long) at #3.

Nothing happens so here’s Duke Droese (a wrestling garbageman) at #4. Eli fights Smith and Droese squeezes Shawn until Jimmy Del Ray of the Heavenly Bodies is #5. Nothing continues to happen because there isn’t enough time between entries. Sione (Barbarian) of the Headshrinkers is #6 as Del Ray is tossed out. Tom Prichard of the Heavyenly Bodies is #7 and STILL nothing is happening.

Doink is #8 as the Rumble is going way too fast. It’s like the original Rumble: not enough names to care about and nothing going on at the same time. Kwang is #9 and Rick Martel is #10, I believe in his last WWF match. There are nine people in the ring right now. Shawn is almost out but fights off Kwang to survive. Owen Hart is in at #11 and here’s Bret to jump him in the aisle. Owen survives and climbs in, only to be eliminated in three seconds.

Shawn puts out Droese and Timothy Well (partners with Steven Dunn in the tag team of Well Dunn) is #12 and is out almost immediately. Martel and Prichard go out faster than I can see them and Kwang superkicks Doink out. Luke of the Bushwhackers is #13 and during his entrance, everyone but Bulldog and Shawn are gone. Literally, four people were put out inside of six seconds. Luke is out almost immediately and it’s Shawn vs. Bulldog again.

Here’s Jacob Blu at #14 and HE TOO is gone in like fifteen seconds. This is so stupid. King Kong Bundy is #15 and he beats on both guys for about twenty seconds before it’s Mo at #16. Mo is like the fifth guy to last less than thirty seconds. If your roster is this weak, CUT THE FREAKING MATCH DOWN. Nothing else happens until Mable is #17 for the showdown with Bundy. Mabel dumps him out as Butch is #18 and is gone in less than 20 seconds as well. More on this later.

Lex Luger is #19 and he goes right for Mabel for no apparent reason. He eliminates the fat purple and gold dude before gorilla pressing Michaels down like an idiot. Mantaur, a stupid monster character, is #20. He beats on Luger and Bulldog until Aldo Montoya (Justin Credible with a jockstrap on his face) is #21. Henry Godwinn is #22 as we’re waiting on a bunch of people to get thrown out so everyone can go home. I think this is one of Henry’s first matches.

Billy Gunn is #23 so naturally Bart Gunn is #24. Bob Backlund is #25 and also lasts about fifteen seconds due to a Bret Hart attack. Steven Dunn is #26 as there are like ten people in there. Bret and Backlund fight in the aisle again and old man Dick Murdoch is #27. Mantaur misses a charge at Bart and Adam Bomb is #28. For the second year in a row, Vince decides Adam Bomb is going to win the Rumble. Seriously.

Fatu is #29 and Luger eliminates Mantaur. Crush is #30, giving us a final group of Shawn, Bulldog, Luger, Montoya, Godwinn, Bart, Billy, Dunn, Murdoch, Bomb, Fatu and Crush, or WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE. Thankfully Crush immediately eliminates the Gunns to clear the ring out a bit. We cut to Anderson who gives a very uninterested wave and points to the ring. You know, because this is SO beneath her. Well, not beneath her enough to give the check back or anything but you get the idea.

Dunn is put out off camera and Murdoch almost puts Shawn out. Luger makes the save due to a lack of intelligence as Murdoch tries headbutts on Fatu. Naturally it doesn’t work at all because YOU DON’T HEADBUTT A SAMOAN. Bomb is backdropped out and Shawn throwsn Montoya out. Luger saves Shawn AGAIN and Crush eliminates Fatu. There are six guys left: Murdoch (who hits a dropkick and airplane spin on Godwinn), Godwinn, Shawn, Bulldog, Crush and Luger.

Murdoch gets dizzy from the spin and falls out to get us down to five. Lex dumps Godwinn and we’ve got four left. Michaels and Crush double team Luger as Bulldog gets a breather. They dump Lex and we’ve got three guys left. Smith gets double teamed until Shawn turns on Crush and is lifted into the air. Bulldog uses the distraction to eliminate Crush and it’s one on one. Davey destroys Shawn and presses him onto (not over. That would make sense) the top rope. Shawn is knocked over the top, but in the famous finish, he hangs on and ONLY ONE FOOT touches, allowing Shawn to come back in and eliminate Smith to win.

Rating: D. This is a hard one to grade, because the stuff that was decent was in fact decent. The problem is there wasn’t much stuff that falls into that category. First and foremost, SEVEN PEOPLE OUT OF THIRTY did not last thirty seconds. If they’re that meaningless to the match, simply do not put them in the Rumble. It looks stupid and there’s no reason to have them out there.

Second, the time intervals. These were a major issues because there’s no time to get ANYTHING going in the match. When you count ten seconds or so to get into the ring (some people take up to twenty), you’re looking at about 45 seconds of action with the new guy before someone else comes out. That’s just not enough time to get anything going at all.

Third, and this is probably the biggest problem of the match, look at the roster here. At a glance, I see four people with actual chances to win: Crush, Luger (they’re both BIG stretches), Bulldog, and Shawn. After that there’s Owen Hart but he was one of the guys that didn’t make it thirty seconds in the ring.

Then you’re looking at guys like Montoya and Well Dunn and the Bushwhackers (who amazingly still had jobs in 1995) and the Heavenly Bodies (by my count there were five tag teams in here, or one third of the match. WAY too many guys at that level) and Dick freaking Murdoch. This is a match that was BEGGING for a midcard to come in and fill in some spots. Guys like Ramon and Jarrett and Bigelow and Tatanka would have helped this match a ton, but instead we get all these fillers. That’s a big reason why this didn’t work.

Anderson poses with Shawn to end the show.

Overall Rating: C+. This is a hard one to grade because as good as the world title match is, the Rumble sucks it right back down. IRS vs. Taker isn’t anything good but it’s much more boring than bad. The opener and tag matches are good so I can’t complain much there. 1995 would be AWFUL for the most part though, mainly due to all of the problems you could see coming in the Rumble. Still though, not an awful show by any stretch and it has a great world title match.

Ratings Comparison

Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

Original: B+

Redo: C+

Undertaker vs. IRS

Original: D

Redo: D

Bret Hart vs. Diesel

Original: B-

Redo: A

Bob Holly/1-2-3 Kid vs. Bam Bam Bigelow/Tatanka

Original: D+

Redo: C+

Royal Rumble

Original: D+

Redo: D

Overall Rating

Original: C-

Redo: C+

What in the world was I thinking on the title match? It was great.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/14/royal-rumble-count-up-1995/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of the Royal Rumble at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PZ1GR7E

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Royal Rumble 1994
Date: January 22, 1994
Location: Providence Civic Center, Providence, Rhode Island
Attendance: 14,500
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Ted DiBiase

This is one of those shows where the good stuff is good but the bad stuff is REALLY bad. The main idea here is that someone has to stop Yokozuna, and it’s going to be one of three people: Bret Hart or Lex Luger who could get the shot by winning the Rumble, or the Undertaker who has a casket match against Yoko tonight for the title. Oh….this is going to be a long night. Let’s get to it.

Vince is on commentary here and gets to do his carnival barker stuff. The guy knows how to make a show sound exciting, I have to give him that. DiBiase comes out to do commentary with McMahon due to having to retire late in 1993 due to a bunch of injuries.

Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Bigelow is in Ludvig Borga’s spot because Borga broke his ankle. Bigelow pounds on Tatanka to start and dropkicks him into the corner. Tatanka literally bounces off of Bigelow before coming back with a chop to take Bigelow down. A DDT puts Bam Bam down again but Tatanka goes up for a cross body, missing Bigelow by a mile. This is a REALLY hot start so far. Bigelow crushes Tatanka in the corner with a splash and things slow down somewhat.

Tatanka gets in a shot to the head and tries a top rope sunset flip, only to have Bam Bam sit on him. When all else fails, sit on the other guy. Off to a bearhug for about two minutes before Bigelow drops him with a shoulder block. Tatanka starts his war path thing so Bam Bam decks him in the head with an enziguri to drop him. The moonsault misses though and Tatanka goes up again, this time hitting the cross body for the pin.

Rating: C+. Shockingly hot opener here and if you cut the bear hug in half or so, this is a really solid match. They stuck to the formula really well here and the match was good as a result. This is one of the nice surprises in wrestling: on paper this sounded horrible but it turned out to be a pretty nice match. Good opener.

We recap the tag title match, which is a rare instance where it’s all about the challengers rather than the champions. Owen Hart was the only Hart Brother eliminated in the Survivor Series match against Shawn and his Knights, which ticked him off. Owen had been whipped into Bret on the apron and the distraction let Shawn roll Owen up for the pin.

This caused Owen to cut a heel promo, talking about how he was tired of being in Bret’s shadow and wanting a match with him to escape it. Bret of course said no, but instead offered to team up with Owen to get his brother his first championship. Owen talked about leading the team but seemed genuinely ok at this point. For some reason we also see the Quebecers losing the tag titles to the 1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty for a single week for some reason.

The Harts talk about all the teams they’re going to give title shots to once they win the belts tonight.

Tag Titles: Bret Hart/Owen Hart vs. Quebecers

The Quebecers are managed by Johnny Polo, who would change his name to Raven in ECW. Pierre and Bret start things off with the challenger taking over. Off to Owen to work on the arm with his signature spinning counter to a wristlock. Off to Jacques and they botch something, but Owen hits a quick suplex to keep things on track. An enziguri gets two for Owen and it’s back to Bret.

After a bunch of rollups by Bret, everything breaks down and the Quebecers take over. Actually scratch that as Owen hits a kind of spear into a rollup for two and the Harts stand tall. It’s Bret vs. Jacques with Hart in control until it’s back to Owen for a gutwrench suplex for two. Bret comes back in, only to get powerslammed down by Pierre. A pair of knees to the back gets two and it’s back to Jacques.

That goes nowhere so Pierre comes in to jump into a boot. Owen comes back in and belly to bellys Jacques down before hooking the Sharpshooter. Pierre bulldogs Owen down for a fast save of course and it’s back to Pierre legally. Owen dropkicks both Quebecers down and it’s off to Bret again. For some reason both champions are allowed to stay in the ring for way too long. Pierre is atomic dropped to the floor, and now we get to the turning point of the match: Johnny Polo holds the ropes open to send Bret to the floor. Bret comes up holding his knee and he’s in big trouble.

Pierre rams the knee into the barricade to further the damage and the match turns into a kind of sloppy brawl on the floor. Owen finally throws Bret back into the ring and the leg work begins. Jacques puts on a half crab but Owen makes a fast save. The champions load up the Cannonball (kind of an aided Swanton) but Bret rolls away. Instead of tagging though, Bret tries the Sharpshooter….and the referee stops the match for the knee injury.

Rating: B-. This is one of those matches where you can look at it in multiple ways. From a match standpoint, it’s a standard tag match with the faces and heels doing exactly what they would be expected to do. On the other hand, the idea here was about setting up Owen’s heel turn, and the ending does that perfectly. There was no reason for Bret to not tag at the end and it sets Owen off as it should.

Post match Owen glares at Bret and paces back and forth. Bret manages to pull himself up but can barely stand up. Owen kicks the leg out, officially turning heel to HUGE booing. He leaves so here are some officials to come check on Bret. Ray Rougeau, a reporter for WWF at this point, comes out to interview Bret while he’s on his back in agony. For some reason that cracks me up.

Owen is in the back and goes on a huge tirade about how selfish Bret is and how Bret cost him the biggest match of his career. Bret is being carried to the back and has to watch this promo on the video screen. Owen’s face here is great as he unleashes all this pent up anger and frustration on Bret, saying he’ll win the Rumble because he doesn’t have to count on Bret. This would be the top feud for the next eight months or so.

Intercontinental Title: IRS vs. Razor Ramon

Guess who is defending here. JR and Gorilla Monsoon do commentary for this match. IRS goes on a big rant about how evil the crowd here is for not paying their taxes, even though they have about three months left to file. Razor goes off on IRS to start, knocking him out to the floor. IRS comes back with some forearms but Razor punches him right back down to take over again.

Ramon hits a bunch of basic stuff like atomic drops and clotheslines for some two counts, but IRS ducks under a clothesline to send Razor out to the floor. Back in and IRS goes up but jumps into a boot. For one of the only times I can EVER remember this happening, IRS avoids the foot and drops an elbow for two instead. WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO DO???

We hit the chinlock for well over a minute before Razor fights up and hits the fallaway slam. The referee gets knocked out in the corner and IRS grabs his briefcase, only for Razor to take it back and clock him in the head with it. No referee though, so Razor loads up a belly to back superplex. There’s still no referee, so Razor sets for the Edge, only to have Shawn run out and clock him with the fake IC Title. IRS finally wakes up and pins Razor for the title.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t bad but the overbooking hurt it a lot. This should have lasted about three minutes less and it would have been a lot better. Oddly enough I don’t remember IRS being champion at all, but then again this is the remastered version so maybe they really cleaned things up.

Or maybe another referee comes out to explain the interference and the match is restarted. Razor hits the Edge to retain.

Bearer and Undertaker are making a coffin for Yoko.

We recap the world title match, which is Yoko being scared of Taker and Taker being one of the last hopes to stop the monster. Apparently the contract was signed before Yoko and company knew it was a casket match. Taker I believe debuted his popping out of the casket spot in this feud.

WWF World Title: The Undertaker vs. Yokozuna

They stare each other down to start and Taker fires off his uppercuts to stagger the champion. A clothesline puts Yoko down and another uppercut puts Yoko on the floor. Taker is sent into the steps and it’s immediately no sold, scaring Yoko to death again. There’s Old School but the jumping clothesline misses as Yoko ducks. Why does no one else ever think of doing that?

They fight over a chair on the floor which winds up going upside Yoko’s head. There’s a plastic chair to the back of the champion but Yoko grabs the trusty salt to blind Taker. Now it’s Taker’s back getting hit with the chair and we head back inside. A clothesline puts Taker down but he fights out of the casket. Taker wins a slugout in the middle of the ring but Yoko belly to belly suplexes him down. Come on. You know that’s not holding him down. Taker pops up and grabs Yoko by the throat and hits a DDT to put the champion down again.

Yoko is placed in the casket but here’s Crush to block Taker from closing it. Taker slugs him down so here’s Great Kabuki and Tenryu but Taker beats them down as well. Yoko is still out cold in the casket. Bam Bam Bigelow comes in now and it’s 4-1 in the ring. One has to wonder why Paul Bearer doesn’t go over and close the casket but this match doesn’t seem to be the most logical one. Fuji and Cornette have stolen the Urn.

Yoko finally gets out of the casket as Bearer beats up Fuji and Cornette, stealing the Urn back. He uses it to recharge Taker, who fights off all four mercenaries. Now it’s Adam Bomb to make it technically 8-1 but Taker fights everyone off with the salt bucket. Jeff Jarrett comes in as well, as do the Headshrinkers. That makes it NINE wrestlers (Yoko, Crush, Kabuki, Tenryu, Bigelow, Jarrett, Samu, Fatu, Adam Bomb) against Undertaker.

AND HE GETS UP. Diesel comes out and they get Taker in the coffin but he fights ALL OF THEM OFF. Yoko steals the Urn and hits Taker in the head with it before opening the Urn. Green smoke comes out of it and Taker now is powerless. Everyone hits a bunch of moves on him as this goes on WAY too long. After ALL THAT, Taker is put in the coffin and Yoko retains the title.

Rating: F. On a major wrestling show, The Undertaker just fought off ten men until green smoke was released to drain him of his power. I’ve seen Japanese anime that makes more sense than this. Oh and the match itself, as in the one on one part, might have gone about six minutes.

BUT IT GETS WORSE!

The heels all push the coffin away when a gong goes off. Smoke comes out of the casket…..and a FREAKING CAMERA FEED FROM INSIDE THE CASKET POPS UP ON THE SCREEN. Taker says his soul lives in everyone and he can’t be extinguished. He says there’s going to be a rebirth of the Undertaker and he won’t rest in peace. Then electrical noises go off and we get something like an inverse camera shot (as in it’s all in black and white but what is white is black and what is black is white).

Then, to REALLY hammer home the point, the image on the screen starts to rise up through the top of the screen (which should be the top of the casket, meaning it should be ramming into the people that put him in the freaking casket) and A FREAKING BODY RISES OUT OF THE TOP OF THE SCREEN. AS IN A TANGIBLE BODY (which might have been played by Marty Jannetty).

In other words, WWF just said Taker is something like Jesus. Oh and one other thing to really make sure this is stupid: YOU CAN’T SEE IT. All I can see are some quick shots of it when flashes go off. This is one of those things that embarrasses me as a wrestling fan. I mean…..WOW.

The usual Rumble interviews eat up some time.

Royal Rumble

Scott Steiner is #1 and Samu is #2. Also the intervals are every 90 seconds this year so the entrances will come in faster than ever. Scott pounds away to start and hits a butterfly suplex as Samu tries to hang on. He does indeed survive and kills Scott with a clothesline. Rick Steiner is #3 and Samu is in BIG trouble. After some suplexes he’s out very quickly (but not before getting his head caught in the top and middle rope which is always kind of scary looking), giving us the Battle of the Steiners.

That battle literally lasts six seconds as Kwang (Savio Vega in a mask, allegedly Asian here) is #4. Scott suplexes Kwang down and Owen Hart is #5 to BIG heel heat. The heels take over and Owen actually dumps Rick out. That’s one of the rare times where the constant pushing against the ropes worked. Bart Gunn is #6 and things speed up a bit. No one really does anything so here’s Diesel at #7. This is where things pick up as this match is without a doubt Diesel’s coming out party.

He beats on everyone and throws out Bart, Scott, Owen and Kwang inside of 45 seconds. Bob Backlund is #8 and immediately goes for the leg. He actually gets Diesel up against the ropes and upside down, but Diesel will have none of that. Who would believe these two would have a world title match in Madison Square Garden later in the year? Backlund is gone quickly. Billy Gunn is #9 and doesn’t even last fifteen seconds.

We cut to the back where Kabuki and Tenryu are destroying Lex Luger. After Diesel stands around for a bit, he has to throw out Virgil who is #10 in about thirty seconds (causing DiBiase to laugh loudly and get in some good verbal jabs). Note that the fans are LOUDLY chanting for Diesel here, who had NEVER gotten a reaction until this point. No one has been able to stand up to Diesel at all so far. #11 is Randy Savage. This should be a bit better challenge I’d think.

Savage goes right for him and pounds away on the big man in the corner before peppering him with jabs. He has Diesel in trouble but Jeff Jarrett is #12 to save the not yet Big Daddy Cool. We hear about Jarrett wanting to become WWF Champion so he’ll be a famous country singer in Nashville. And people wonder why he never got over until he completely changed everything about his character.

Savage is thrown to the apron by Jarrett but Randy comes back and eliminates Jeff with ease. Crush, who Savage HATES at this point, is #13. Diesel just kind of chills in the corner as Savage beats up Crush. The numbers finally catch up with Savage though until Crush eliminates him with ease. Doink is #14 and he gets beaten up as well but not tossed. Here’s his big rival Bam Bam Bigelow at #15 and it’s 3-1 now. Bigelow easily thorws the clown out ala the Spike Dudley throw from ECW.

Mabel is #16 and dang there are some big guys in there. He goes right for Diesel in a terrifying preview of Summerslam 95. Mabel cleans house until Sparky Plugg (Bob Holly as a racecar driver and debuting here as a replacement for the 1-2-3 Kid) is #17. Shawn Michaels is #18 and stares down Diesel to start. Everyone gets on Diesel and Shawn gives the final push to eliminate him. Diesel gets a VERY audible ovation and chant as he leaves.

Mo, Mabel’s totally useless partner, is #19. Nothing of note happens so here’s Greg Valentine in a one night only appearance at #20. Mabel misses a charge in the corner and Shawn is gorilla pressed by Crush but not eliminated for some reason. Tatanka comes in at #21. To recap we’ve got Plugg, Valentine, Tatanka, Mabel, Bigelow, Crush, Michaels and Mo in there. Valentine puts Michaels on the apron but can’t get him out.

Kabuki is #22 and almost everyone gangs up on Mabel to dump him out. It’s amazing how much easier it is to see with the big fat purple tub of goo out of there. Lex Luger (looking FINE after that attack like 15 minutes ago) is #23 and he cleans house. There are ten people in the ring right now but there goes Kabuki at the hands of Lex. Luger clotheslines Bigelow down and here’s Tenryu at #24.

There are WAY too many people in there right now. Like seriously, do we need FREAKING MO in there? Or Valentine? Those are bodies you could dump out and no one would care. Luger and Tenryu go at it as Shawn is almost dumped out. Bastion Booger is supposed to be #25 but he’s not here for some reason (Vince says it was supposed to be Bret Hart but more on that in a bit). I believe there are nine people in there at the moment so Booger not coming in was a good thing. Granted it was a good thing either way but you get the idea. Rick Martel is #26 and nothing happens.

For your big face pop of the match (other than Diesel): Bret Hart is #27 and limping very badly. Today, people would have a bandage on the knee and charge to the ring because modern wrestling is stupid. Fatu is #28 and DEAR FREAKING GOODNESS THROW SOMEONE OUT ALREADY! A bunch of guys team up and FINALLY throw Crush out as Marty Jannetty is #29. Naturally he goes right for Shawn and punches Shawn to the apron.

Adam Bomb is #30, giving us a ridiculous THIRTEEN FINAL PEOPLE in the Rumble. The final group is Bigelow, Sparky, Shawn, Mo (seriously, FREAKING MO?), Valentine, Tatanka, Luger, Tenryu, Martel, Hart, Fatu, Jannetty and Bomb. Bret saves Shawn (shocking I know) to dump out Sparky, thank goodness. Bret beats on everyone as we still need to get rid of more people. Everyone beats on everyone for awhile and nothing is happening. DiBiase: “The smart thing to do is go after Bret Hart’s knee.” Vince: “The smart thing to do is throw people out of the ring.” Did….did Vince just burn Ted Dibiase?

Martel dumps Valentine but is quickly dumped out by Tatanka. Luger throws out Bomb and Mo is FINALLY put out as well. Bigelow tosses Tatanka and Lex forearms Bam Bam out. Jannetty goes out to get us down to Luger, Hart, Fatu, Tenryu and Shawn. Tenryu rams Shawn and Fatu’s heads together which only hurts Shawn of course. Luger and Bret put out Tenryu and it’s Bret vs. Shawn (duh). Luger goes for Fatu’s head and gets superkicked for being stupid.

The heels put Luger on the apron but he fights them both off and clotheslines Fatu into a 360. Bret dumps Fatu and Luger dumps Shawn and we’re down to two. They slug it out and Luger picks up Bret, but they both fall out at the same time, giving us a double elimination to end the Rumble.

Rating: C+. This is a hard one to grade. The pacing is TERRIBLE with guys like Sparky Plugg and Mo staying in for over twenty minutes each, but the action is solid for the most part. The stuff with Diesel is excellent and it truly made him a star. The ending stuff once they got rid of about seven guys in 90 seconds was good too, but stuff in the middle didn’t work all that well.

Post match there’s a disagreement over who wins but both guys have their music played. This would lead to a somewhat complicated decision where there was a coin toss and two world title matches at Mania. This goes on for about eight minutes or so but it’s just the referees arguing and both guys saying they won. Replays don’t really show us anything either. They do a good job here of making it impossible to tell who won, unlike in 2005 when it was clear that one of them (I want to say Cena) hit first. They’re finally declared co-winners to end the show.

Overall Rating: C-. This show is one where it’s very hard to come up with an overall grade. I really liked the opener and the tag match and Rumble were both good, but when a show has what might be the dumbest moment in wrestling history (and that covers A LOT of stupid moments), it’s brought down a lot. Early 1994 was not a good time for the WWF but once they finally picked Bret as the guy, things got a lot better.

Ratings Comparison

Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Original: B

Redo: C+

Quebecers vs. Bret Hart/Owen Hart

Original: A+

Redo: B-

Razor Ramon vs. IRS

Original: C+

Redo: D+

Yokozuna vs. Undertaker

Original: F

Redo: F

Royal Rumble

Original: B

Redo: C+

Overall Rating

Original: B

Redo: C-

DANG I liked this show a lot better on the first viewing.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/13/royal-rumble-count-up-1994/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of the Royal Rumble at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PZ1GR7E

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

I’ll be right back.Why doesn’t wrestling ever end in a cliffhanger anymore?  Everything always has to be wrapped up in a nice bow and be ready for next week.  You can end a show by asking a big question or mentioning that you need to tune in next week to find something out.  For example, one of the very last Saturday Night’s Main Events ended with Bobby Heenan getting a phone call and saying that one of the Ultimate Maniacs had been injured and wouldn’t make Survivor Series.  Want to find out who?  Well tune in to the next show to find out!

Why is that so complicated?  Not everything has to be self contained.

Road Wild 1999
Date: August 14, 1999
Location: Sturgis, South Dakota
Attendance: 5,500
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan

Back to Eric Bischoff’s big idea so he could ride motorcycles around the Black Hills. The main event here is Kevin Nash vs. Hulk Hogan in a title/career vs. career match, which still doesn’t sound fair to Hogan. After sitting through the disaster that was Thunder though, I really don’t care about what is fair in WCW. Let’s get to it.

The opening recap of course focuses on Nash vs. Hogan. In case the five or six videos on Thunder weren’t enough for you of course. Actually, the more I think about it, one of these guys leaving means we might get someone new in the main event. FREAKING SWEET MAN!

Tony talks about this history of Road Wild. As in the show that debuted back in 1996 (1997 if you consider Hog Wild its own show). Just printing his quotes are better than almost any jokes I could come up with.

Here’s the first show of any WCW employees: Tenay in a jean jacket and sunglasses, Tony in a darker jean jacket, sunglasses and a backwards hat, and Heenan (looking mostly normal) in a black shirt and hat. My goodness this stuff never gets easier to sit through. They hype up the main event and other big options to eat up time.

We recap the Dead Pool vs. the yet to be named Filthy Animals which I don’t think has an actual story. They just started fighting one day and led up to this match. Tony says the fighting took place on the WCW Network. Good grief you mean they thought of it first???

Dead Pool vs. Eddie Guerrero/Rey Mysterio Jr./Kidman

I do like the road design for the entrance ramp and the whole atmosphere is always really cool. It’s Vampiro and the Insane Clown Posse (Violent J. and Shaggy 2 Dope) with Raven in their corner here. It’s a big brawl to start with the Clowns thankfully being knocked to the floor so Vampiro can handle the wrestling. Kidman hits an early Sky High, followed by a slingshot hilo from Eddie. They head outside for a few seconds and we see that the ring is up on a mini platform like in previous years.

Vampiro nails a nice spinwheel kick to drop Eddie as Tony points out that the Clowns aren’t really wrestlers. Granted I question how much they’re actually singers or musicians either but that’s a discussion for another time. We now get to the real point of the match as Tenay says Vampiro might be touring with the Clowns in the future. J. comes in to imitate whatever moves he saw watching wrestling as a kid, including a clothesline and a jawbreaker.

Tenay brings up the fans that have been stuck in the airport for all eternity, stalking wrestling personalities and asking them about whatever main event is coming up. Vampiro comes back in but Eddie climbs the ropes into a hurricanrana, only to have J. make the save. A Rock Bottom gets two on Eddie and the Clowns hit a double suplex. Amazingly enough, one of the most talented wrestlers of all time doesn’t have much of a problem beating up a clown named after a Scooby Doo character. He drops Shaggy with a superplex and the hot tag brings in Mysterio.

Raven actually does something (when was the last time he even had a match?) by tripping Mysterio to the floor so Vampiro can hit the Nail in the Coffin on the floor. J. comes back in and I keep getting distracted by the steak sandwich stand opposite the hard camera. Things slow back down again as Tenay brags about the Clowns being able to hit legdrops in the wrestling ring they’ve set up in their backyards. The moral of the story: don’t backyard wrestle unless you can get WCW mainstream coverage.

Shaggy powerslams Rey (Tony: “Great execution. As good as you’ll get!” The British Bulldog is rolling over in his grave.) and drops him with a clothesline for no cover. Rey raises a boot in the corner and hits a split legged moonsault, allowing the hot tag to Kidman. Everything breaks down and Kidman is left alone with Shaggy. Apparently he’s more of a Yogi Bear fan as he drops the Shooting Star for the pin to thankfully get us to a match full of actual wrestlers.

Rating: D+. The thing is, the match isn’t even all that bad. The problem here though is how many notches Mysterio, Guerrero and Kidman have to crank it down so the Clowns aren’t overwhelmed. Those three are some of the best wrestlers WCW ever had but they’re stuck in the opening match against some musicians because WCW would rather make a quick splash off having the Clowns in a boring match than put on a product that could actually compete against WWF, which Mysterio, Guerrero and Kidman tearing the house down for these twelve minutes could have been a big part of.

The Clowns aren’t even horrible in the ring, but they’re very, very limited. They can do basic stuff like clotheslines and suplexes, but so can every single wrestler on the roster. Instead of Mysterio defending the title (which he hasn’t done on a major show since May from what I can find) or Eddie actually wrapping up that stolen wallet story, we’re stuck watching these guys do stuff they taught themselves so they can have a thrill. That’s what we get for our $30?

We recap Harlem Heat vs. the Triad for the Tag Team Titles. Booker was getting beaten up by the Triad but Stevie came out to help him. He wanted to reform the team, but Booker said take off the NWO colors. Stevie said okey dokey and that’s about all it took.

Tag Team Titles: Jersey Triad vs. Harlem Heat

The Triad is defending but it’s only Kanyon and Bigelow at ringside because Flair can’t let them have all three members around anymore. Kanyon says most of the bikers here likely don’t have cable, so he explains the usual question, only to be drowned out by the engines revving. Booker is in black and white after making a big deal out of Stevie not wearing the black and white. I smell a secret alliance and feel the need to tune into Nitro to find out more.

The champs jump them to start but are quickly knocked to the floor. Only WCW would put Bam Bam Bigelow, a former biker covered in tattoos, in front of a biker rally as a heel. Tony isn’t sure if Harlem Heat will have continuity after only wrestling a few matches in the last year. You mean like Bigelow and Kanyon? Stevie tries to get the crowd going but Kanyon sends him into the corner and drives in some shoulders to the ribs. Ray pops back up and throws both champions out to the floor and things slow down again. Heenan: “I remember one time I picked up the Beast From the East. Her name was Monica.”

Back in and Booker comes in to stomp Kanyon in the corner but gets dropped to the mat and choked. Tony and Bobby actually agree that Charles Robinson was a fair referee most of the time. Tenay: “…..what?” This commentary is extra golden tonight. Back to Stevie who tells the fans to rev their engines, which for some reason keeps Bigelow from going after Stevie when his back is turned. Shoulder blocks have no effect on either guy so Ray runs him over with a clothesline.

Kanyon gets in a knee from the apron and comes in to mock the bikers a bit. Heenan turns into a manager and starts coaching Kanyon on how to choke. It’s back to Bigelow for a corner splash and a chinlock so he can whisper some sweet spots into Ray’s ear. Back to Kanyon who tries to put Stevie down so Bigelow can go up top, only to have Kanyon catapult him into Bam Bam for a breather. The hot tag brings in Booker to fire off his kicks but Bigelow low bridges him to the floor. Oddly the fans have gone far more silent since Booker came in.

Kanyon nails his middle rope Fameasser for two as we’ve slowed down again. He loads up the same move but this time Booker powerbombs him for a nice counter. I love when wrestlers learn during the match. Stevie comes in again to hammer away but Page runs out, only to get knocked down by Bigelow, setting up Booker’s missile dropkick for the pin and the titles.

Rating: C+. It’s a very good sign that Benoit and Booker T. have picked up a title each in the last five days. Going back to Harlem Heat was a step backwards, but I’m very glad to see the younger guys getting something out of all this. The match was pretty good too with a basic tag team formula that has worked for years and will continue working for years to come. It also keeps up the idea that once the villains lose their backer and have to fight fair, the good guys win. In other words, Wrestling 101 works even in WCW.

We recap the Revolution vs. the Rednecks. For some reason this is treated as more about Hennig vs. Saturn than anything else. There isn’t much of a story here other than they needed something for these teams to do and threw them into this match. Oh and CHAD BROCK!!!

Revolution vs. West Texas Rednecks

It’s Douglas/Malenko/Saturn vs. Hennig/Windham/Duncum with the rednecks billed as the villains as WCW still doesn’t get their audience (nor do they get their money but at least Bischoff got to ride a motorcycle!). Saturn says they don’t care about the cowboys or Chad Brock (heresy!) so just pick who gets beaten up first. It’s a brawl to start again with the Revolution cleaning house. We settle down to Malenko vs. Barry Windham, who can’t make the t-shirt over trunks look work.

Dean takes over to start and brings in Saturn for a back elbow as Tenay goes into Professor mode, talking about how the Rednecks all have fathers who wrestled. That’s the kind of guy wrestling needs again (and not Matt “let me beat you over the head with my knowledge and names of moves that no one uses” Striker) and I’m sure there’s someone out there. Douglas comes in with a nice powerslam on Duncum as the Revolution keeps the wrestling strong. Heenan tells a story about having an 115 degree temperature but coming back just two years later. Wrestling could use a commentator like him too, but I don’t think one exists.

Saturn suplexes Windham down and hammers away but Kendall nails Saturn from the floor to change control. Good old fashioned cheating never hurt anyone. Well Saturn maybe but that’s beside the point. Off to Hennig for the necksnap as a truck drives along the road behind the ring. You can’t say this show looks the same as the rest of them. Hennig lets Saturn tag and house is cleaned for a bit before it’s off to Douglas.

The Rednecks come in to break up a Pittsburgh Plunge attempt and “whoever it was” (Tenay’s words) trips him to the floor and Shane gets beaten down on the floor. Things settle down to Windham suplexing Douglas for two. The Rednecks get us into a regular tag team formula with Kendall getting in his shots from the floor. Since we’re getting into a good wrestling match, it’s time to talk about Savage vs. Rodman. Duncum suplexes Douglas for two and we hit the chinlock.

Back to Windham for a DDT and the slowest two count I’ve seen in years. If a heel was getting counted, the announcers would suggest the referee was crooked. Shane stops Duncum with a boot in the corner and Saturn gets the hot tag. Everything breaks down and Dean puts Hennig in the Cloverleaf, only to have Kendall break it up with the cowbell. Saturn nails Duncum with the Death Valley Driver for the pin.

Rating: C. Well at least the right team won. They actually had me thinking that the Rednecks were going to win there just to tick the fans off even more. The Revolution finally has some momentum, but unfortunately it’s momentum against midcard acts instead of against the main event guys. I guess that boxing match against Piper was the extent of the youth movement’s main event push, because we need room for the main events we’re getting.

Speaking of what we’re getting, this was the third straight match that could have been on any given Nitro but instead they’re all on this show. The Tag Team Title change meant something, but so far nothing has happened to really give the fans a real thrill. Nothing so far has felt like a big moment and we’re about an hour into the show. That’s not a good sign given what’s coming.

We recap Bagwell vs. Cat. Miller said he could dance like no one else, Bagwell dressed up in black face and stole Cat’s shoes, Miller beat him up a few times, let’s have a match.

Buff Bagwell vs. The Cat

Speaking of matches that have no business on pay per view. Tenay says Bagwell is one big match away from winning championship gold. If you throw in a far better offense I can’t say I disagree, but he’s stuck in this mess of a feud. Sonny is in a biker vest with no shirt underneath for a disturbing look. They still can’t start the match because both guys have to try to talk with Cat cutting off Bagwell every time and the bikers cutting Cat off. Bagwell: “Cat, you’re not a crowd favorite if you know what I mean.” Unless he’s being completely literal, no I don’t know what you mean.

We finally get going with Cat hiptossing Bagwell and dancing a bit. The idea works so well that he does it again but with a slam this time. We’re two minutes into the match now as a PUSSY CAT chant starts up. Buff comes back with a hiptoss and slams of his own, sending Cat to the floor so Buff can dance. Back in again and Miller spends almost a minute teasing a handshake as this match is dying in front of our eyes. He finally gets in a cheap shot on Bagwell and chokes in the corner, only to take two dropkick. Of course, it’s time to dance!

Cat hits him low (what took them so long?) and superkicks Bagwell down but the referee yells at Miller, allowing Sonny to get in some lame choking. They repeat the same sequence before Miller slaps on a chinlock. Bagwell reverses a suplex into one of his own and both guys are down. Back up and a cross body gets two on Cat so Sonny gets on the apron. To complete the disaster, Cat is rammed into Sonny’s briefcase and one of the worst rollups I’ve seen in years (I’ve had to say that too often in this review) gives Bagwell the pin.

Rating: F-. Where do I even start? How about Buff can’t even beat ERNEST MILLER with his finisher??? Last time he beat Piper with a pin in a boxing match and now he beats Miller with a rollup without the shoulder even being on the mat. The match was horrible as it was borderline comedy with all the dancing and repeated spots, mainly focused on choking. This was a disaster and something that should have been buried on Thunder instead of something that was supposed to make me care about Bagwell. How does beating up a goofy dancer who can’t do anything but choke and kick make Buff look like a star? Awful mess.

Miller and Onoo lay Bagwell out post match while Buff’s music is playing. They REALLY had to do this?

We recap Benoit vs. Page. This is part of the Revolution vs. Triad/establishment feud with Benoit wanting to prove that he could hang with a former World Champion like Page. Benoit finally got his chance to win a singles title by beating David Flair for the US Title in a fair fight and now Page wants to beat him to regain his confidence.

US T….

Oh I’m sorry I had the wrong notes. That’s the feud that should have happened. Instead Page made a bunch of Your Mama jokes about Benoit to tick him off, then Benoit won the US Title and this was made a No DQ title match at the last second.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Benoit is defending and this is No DQ. Before the match, Page says Benoit loves his mother, just like anyone else can for $2.99 a minute. Tony says this is the scene of one of Page’s best matches: last year when he teamed with Jay Leno. First the Miller match and now those memories brought up? They slug it out to start and Benoit punches out of a helicopter bomb, knocking Page out to the floor.

Back in (and thankfully away from a shirtless guy that makes Ralphus look trim) with Page getting two off a suplex. We’re already in a reverse chinlock as Page starts in on the ribs. A fireman’s carry into a faceplant drops Benoit for a delayed two and Page drives knees into the ribs. We hear Page’s career history, which really is quite the story. Page plants him with an Anderson spinebuster for two but stops to yell at the referee.

Things slow down as Page walks around the ring before a side slam gets two. I can live with him walking around like that because, unlike Miller, Page has actually shown us more than entry level offense and it fits his character to be a cocky jerk. That’s the kind of stuff that separates guys from nothing like Cat to stars like Page. Benoit gets a breather off a jawbreaker and goes up, only to get caught in the Tree of Woe.

Page takes the referee’s belt away and tries to whip Benoit but Little Naitch actually stands up to him. Granted it doesn’t work as Page wraps the belt around Benoit’s throat (Heenan: “WALK THAT DOG!”) before doing the same with Benoit over his shoulder. Very cool yet disturbing visual actually. Benoit escapes and starts rolling the Germans for two but Kanyon breaks up the Swan Dive.

The Revolution is shown watching on the monitors as Benoit throws Page into Kanyon for two. Page suplexes him down and Bigelow adds a top rope headbutt for another near fall as Benoit just won’t quit. He knocks all three members together for a pair of falling low blows (ala Sting), setting up the Swan Dive to Page to retain the title, no thanks to the Revolution.

Rating: B-. I’d be stunned if this isn’t match of the night. I really liked the story here with Page being all cocky and underestimating Benoit because he had the Triad in his back pocket, only to have Benoit fight all three of them off and win in the end. That being said, it’s really nothing great as it’s far more about the story than the wrestling. It would have been nice to have Benoit win the title here, but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without that David Flair title reign. I mean, it did SO much to make you hate Ric more right?

Breathe in people. It’s big match time.

A motorcycle is given away. I didn’t hear this advertised on any WCW show leading up to this.

We recap Sid vs. Sting but unfortunately we don’t get any Halloween Havoc 1989 clips. Basically Sid is calling himself the Millennium Man and wants to lead WCW into the future. Sting is his first target as he’s being built up for Goldberg.

Sid Vicious vs. Sting

The announcers claim that Sid has been in WCW a little over a month (it’s been two months) and he’s undefeated (if you don’t count tag matches or disqualifications of course). Apparently Sting has given up all of the power that he won from Flair. That clears up some questions, but did they have to wait two weeks to explain it? Sid stalls on the floor to start but gets kicked into the corner for a pair of Stinger Splashes.

He knocks Sid to the floor and that’s enough action to start as Sid takes a seat on the edge of the platform. Sting sends him into the crowd and they walk around ringside for a bit. When did Sting stop wrestling and become a full time brawler? 1997? Back in and Sting misses a Splash in the corner so it’s time for the wide world of choking. A backbreaker gets two on Sting as the crowd has died again. Off to another chinlock as Tony thinks the temperatures lowering could mean the matches go long. Global warming never sounded better.

They head back to the floor with Sid dropping him throat first across the barricade and we hit that chinlock again because Sid needs air. Back up and Sting drops him with a shoulder, setting up the falling low blow (third time in two matches). Sting goes to run the ropes but Sid trips him from his back. Yes, somehow Sid has invented a way to wrestle while laying down. You knew someone was going to do it someday. Snake Eyes puts Sting down again but Sid goes up, only to get taken down with a superplex. Not that it matters as the Stinger Splash is caught by a chokeslam for the completely clean pin.

Rating: D. The resting here was ridiculous as Sid was sitting/laying down at every given chance he had in a match that didn’t even last eleven minutes. This is the kind of thing that people look at in WCW and shake their heads as they wonder why they’re still watching. I mean, am I supposed to just wait for Sid to have another major match where he can be even lazier? I can get behind the idea of building up Sid as a monster, but could he put some effort into his matches? He doesn’t even use a lot of power moves as most of his offense revolves around choking. You can’t throw a powerslam in there?

Quick recap of Rick Steiner vs. Goldberg. Rick and Scott had destroyed Goldberg earlier in the year so Goldberg could go make a movie. Goldberg came back and started brawling with Steiner without a mention of the beatdown, but he did manage to say the TV Title wasn’t worth fighting for. How do you respond to that?

Goldberg vs. Rick Steiner

Non-title. It’s a brawl to start of course and Goldberg just nails him with a clothesline. Steiner tries something like a cross body to no effect and the superkick drops him. They’re clearly not going long here and that’s the best idea possible. Rick bails to the floor ala Sid before coming back in with a low blow. At least he bothered to shove the referee. Rick takes Goldberg’s knee brace off and beats him with it in whatever ways he can (which to be fair isn’t a long list).

I’ll give Tony this: he FINALLY points out that a knee brace Goldberg wore into the ring isn’t a foreign object and shouldn’t be considered cheating. I believe that’s the only time I’ve heard a commentator say that and it’s accurate. A belly to belly gets two for Rick and another brace shot to the head has him in trouble. Goldberg gets up and press slams Steiner into a powerslam, setting up the spear and Jackhammer. He really did just pop up from that offense and win with his signature moves.

Rating: D+. Believe it or not this wasn’t the worst thing they could have done. Ignoring the TV Champion losing in less than six minutes, Goldberg not selling, the knee brace shots having almost no effect and Goldberg’s comeback lasting all of three moves, this was the best possible option they had. Goldberg was supposed to destroy Steiner here and that’s basically what he did, setting him up for a bigger feud down the line. They really need to get the TV Title off of Steiner now though as it’s dying every single day he holds it.

We recap Arliss (the character, not the actor. Well depending on who you ask that is but I’m not getting into that mess again) bringing Rodman back to face Savage. This was before Rodman became a real face by kidnapping Gorgeous George, potentially raping her, attacking from behind and running from a fight. This story was such a mess and I really don’t want to know the logic behind it as I fear it might destroy my mind.

Dennis Rodman vs. Randy Savage

Hardcore for obvious reasons. Now this should be interesting as this match is very fondly remembered but I’m very curious as to how well it holds up. It should also be noted that Savage promised to bring a very bad man here to guard George. That man would also be revealed as the Hummer driver, even though this was ignored on Nitro this past week. Savage comes out alone because he doesn’t want George around Rodman. To be fair I don’t want to be around Rodman either. Rodman wants to know where she is but Savage says Rodman is his tonight. More swearing ensues and I have no idea what they’re talking about.

They’re on the floor about six seconds in with Savage going into the barricade a few times. Back in and the announcers are already praising Rodman as hard as they can. What took them so long? An elbow to the jaw puts Savage down and Tony says that’s enough to show that he’s a fine competitor. He follows it up with a Russian legsweep for another really slow two and even knows how to argue with a referee. He gets tired of dealing with Billy Silverman and lays him out before slowly walking around the ring.

Savage gets in his first offense after about three minutes by raking Rodman’s face. Heenan: “REBOUND THIS!” Mickie Jay comes out to referee as Savage hits his third choke of the match. He punches out a photographer to steal his camera and uses it to nail Rodman for two. The near fall earns Jay a right hand of his own and Scott Dickinson comes in to give us three referees knocked out.

Rodman gets back up to throw Savage outside but Savage tosses him over the barricade. The fans throw Rodman back as Savage walks around looking for weapons (or a real opponent). We’re on referee #4 now as they walk backstage. Rodman kind of armdrags Savage down but gets thrown into some trash. Here’s the big spot of the match: Rodman gets thrown into a portable toilet, which is then shoved over. The door opens and the waste comes out, only to have Rodman pop back up. Seriously, THAT is what people say made this match entertaining.

Back to ringside with Savage being thrown into the lighting structure before Dennis “hits” a middle rope “clothesline”, accidentally knocking the referee down. Gorgeous George comes out to the reaction of the match and hits Rodman low. She also gives Savage a chain to knock Rodman out for the pin to end this mess. Yes, Savage needed George and a chain to beat a basketball player.

Rating: D. It was messy (literally), it wasn’t really entertaining, Rodman nor Savage have any business in a ring at this point…..but I didn’t completely hate this. Maybe it’s low expectations or Rodman having a better presence than he did in the horrible tag match in 1998, but this could have been about a million times worse. Yeah the toilet spot was stupid and a lot of the moves didn’t hit, but this is like the Clown match earlier: it’s not fair to expect a good match out of someone who isn’t a good wrestler. The praise this match got is overkill, but this could have been WAY worse.

We recap Hogan vs. Nash, which seems to be the real match they wanted to get to instead of Goldberg vs. Hogan or Goldberg vs. Nash. The idea here is they’re arguing over who was the real force behind the NWO and it’s Nash’s career vs. Hogan’s career and title to try and add in some drama. Hogan turned face earlier in the week to get rid of any possible drama for this match.

WCW World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Kevin Nash

The fans and announcers are entirely behind Hogan. Nash shoves him into the corner a few times to start and the engines rev again. He grabs a headlock (Hogan: “OH MY GOD!”) and we’re already stuck in first gear. Another shove sends Nash to the floor and the stalling begins. Back in and we hit the test of strength with Nash getting the better of it. Tony continues his bizarre commentary by saying Nash is two inches taller than Hogan. If you drop Nash down to 6’11, that puts Hogan at 6’9. That’s a stretch even for WCW.

Nash starts going after the back but takes too long on the framed elbow. There’s nothing here that wouldn’t be seen on a Nitro main event so far. Hulk hammers away in the corner but gets raked in the eyes. Nash uses the boot choke as we’re only in signature mode here. They head outside for nothing of note before Nash slowly walks around the ring. He calls for the Jackknife but keeps hammering away, including the framed elbow. The big boot and Jackknife plant Hogan and it’s Hulk Up time. You know the rest and Nash is sent on vacation. Uh I mean retired. Yeah retired. For like, ever.

Rating: D. So after all that time (the full five days) of buildup for the career vs. career stipulation and the huge Nash heel turn (three weeks ago I believe) after Hogan’s long title reign (less than a month at this point), they did the paint by numbers Hogan match and expected us to be amazed. This was the Hogan formula from the 80s taking place four months from the year 2000, which tells you almost all you need to know about WCW.

The worst part is Hogan vs. Nash could have drawn a fairly decent crowd if promoted the right way. It’s a big main event that we hadn’t seen yet but it’s thrown onto maybe the lowest level PPV of the year on a Saturday instead of the usual Sunday. They set this match up to fail and I really don’t get the thinking there. Granted that could be said about almost everything around this time.

Overall Rating: D. This really isn’t the worst show ever, as the first half (save for the Bagwell vs. Cat mess) is totally watchable. Mostly boring but watchable. You have some decent action and a title change plus a good Benoit vs. Page match. Unfortunately, that all led to the second half of the show and that’s where this show gets its reputation.

The main event guys hit new levels of lazy and sluggish here with Sid somehow coming up with offense from his back. I mean, he can’t even sit up to trip Sting? The main event had as much heat as an igloo on Christmas Eve, Sting vs. Sid was just there to set up something for the future, Goldberg vs. Steiner was a Thunder main event and Rodman vs. Savage was just a celebrity appearance. Maybe Nash leaving for awhile will open up a main event slot, but the thoughts of who they might put in there terrifies me.

You know what this needed to be? A Clash of the Champions. Cut out the opener, Miller vs. Bagwell and make Sid/Savage vs. Rodman/Sting (Tell me you wouldn’t pay to see Sting and Rodman try to have a conversation) a tag match. That’s not a bad two hour show and it would certainly make fans feel better than paying for this mess. This show didn’t need to be a three hour pay per view as the matches and feuds just aren’t there for one. They need to mix things up soon though because this product is killing them.

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