Monday Night Raw
Date: July 2, 2012
Location: Laredo Energy Arena
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

We’re in the second half of the year now with Raw again. We have four MITB contestants so far and there’s a rumor of a fifth showing up. I believe it’ll be a former champion but it’s hard to say given how this company keeps its stipulations straight. Lesnar is supposed to be here tonight too so we’ll get more of him vs. HHH. This is one of those shows that is going to be used to build towards the PPV. Let’s get to it.

After more technical difficulties, here’s Cena to open things up. He talks about how last week was his crash course in MITB because you never know when someone is going to come and break things up. He’ll win the case and the title and all the stuff you would expect him to say. Cue Bryan chanting YES. Cena: “See? Even Bryan agrees with me.” Bryan says he’ll win the title at MITB so Cena won’t be the next champion.

Cue Punk who says he disagrees with Bryan’s claim that he’ll win. He asks people if they disagree with Bryan, getting a lot of YES chants. For some reason only Cena has had theme music so far. Punk says that Bryan’s ex-girlfriend will be counting the shoulders down, and then it’s Punk vs. Cena all over again. Cue Jericho (with music) who says he’s tired of people stealing his catchphrases. Bryan cuts him off and is told to shut up as only Jericho can say it.

Jericho welcomes us to Raw Is Jericho and says that after tonight no one will evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver be the same again. He says he’ll win MITB and dares anyone to come out and say otherwise, and of course he’s Kane. Kane says otherwise in something that made me chuckle. Cue Big Show and it’s a big brawl. Kane beats on Jericho and Cena goes after Big Show while Bryan and Punk are both going to the floor. Kane goes after Big Show but Show knocks everyone down.

David Otunga/Cody Rhodes/Prime Time Players vs. Kofi Kingston/R-Truth/Christian/Santino Marella

Christiana nd Young start things off and a middle rope missile dropkick gets two for the Canadian. Off to Truth for his first action in months after a broken foot. Young tries a right hand but gets gyrated at instead. Off to Kofi who hits a middle rope shoulder for two. Boom Drop is broken up by Titus who pulls Darren to the floor. Kofi dives onto Titus but gets clotheslined down by Young as everything breaks down.

We take a break and come back with Cody holding Kofi in a surfboard. AW is mic’d up now for some reason. Titus comes in and slams Kofi for two. Kofi gets in a shot and it’s off to Santino vs. Otunga. Santino hits that quick suplex and a Stunner for two. Everything breaks down again and the Prime Time Players walk off. Santino hits his usual and Cody walks out on Otunga. Cue Brodus Clay of all people as Santino loads up the Cobra. Otunga keeps trying to run but gets thrown into the Cobra for the pin at 6:24. Too short to rate given what we saw but this was organized chaos at its best.

Otunga takes a bunch of finishers post match and we get a big dance party.

Teddy (in charge tonight) is dancing in the back when Alberto and Ricardo come in. Alberto earned his one on one title match and he wants it by Jorge. The Board has said that Alberto gets his title match at MITB but tonight, Alberto has a surprise opponent.

Stephanie talks about her dad getting ready for the 99 Rumble. It was basically a Rocky parody mixed with a way to show off that Vince was in great shape.

Alberto Del Rio vs. ???

Cole talks about how the car was driven here from Alberto’s home near Mexico City. That makes me wonder: how does he get these cars everywhere? Does he have a big fleet of people driving/transporting them all over the country? If so….that’s kind of awesome. The fans GO OFF on Alberto with some Spanish swearing. Here’s the opponent.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara

Think Cara is popular in south Texas? Cole calls Mexican wrestlers lucha libres. Mike Tenay he is not. Del Rio jumps Cara as he comes into the ring and goes insane on him. The bell hasn’t rung yet. Del Rio destroys Cara on the floor and puts him in the armbreaker so Cara taps. There was no match.

Bryan is in the back and steals a flower from a random bouquet. He comes up to AJ and apologizes, even though AJ has Punk X’s on his hands. She says that’s sweet and of course has nothing to do with the title match at the PPV. Tonight she’s going to win and run into the arms of her soul mate. She destroys the flower and leaves.

Heyman is live via satellite instead of Lesnar being here.

There’s a 20 man battle royal tomorrow on Smackdown. The winner is next week’s GM of Smackdown. Ok then.

After a recap of the Heyman/HHH challenge to Lesnar, we’re told by Heyman that Brock will deliver his answer to HHH in person at the 1000th Raw. Lesnar wants to face HHH at Summerslam but not for the reasons people thing. HHH will do it because he needs money for the lawsuit. Also, it’s his exit strategy for his career, because after this HHH will never be able to wrestle again. After Summerslam, he can be the executive that everyone says went down in a blaze of glory.

Kane vs. Big Show later on in a No DQ match. Heaven help me.

Vickie Guerrero/Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus/AJ

This looks odd on paper but when you think about it all of the connections are there. The guys start us off after Sheamus puts AJ on the apron. Dolph dropkicks him down but gets launched into the air soon thereafter. A running ax handle gets two for the champ but Dolph takes him down into a chinlock. Sheamus breaks that up and hits White Noise. He loads up the Brogue Kick but Dolph tags Vickie before it can hit. Sheamus kicks his head off to send him to the floor and AJ comes in. Shining Wizard kills Vickie at 3:27.

Rating: C-. This was VERY short but DANG that Shining Wizard was awesome. AJ continues to be insane but it looks like we’re heading up to the payoff at MITB which is the right play. This was barely long enough to grade and I’m not sure what the point was in basically destroying Ziggler like that. Still though, that Shining Wizard was awesome.

AJ does the YES chant and heads to the back. She finds Punk who is on the phone with his sister. He missed the match and AJ is crushed.

We get a video of Slater’s destruction at the hands of old people, leading to this.

Heath Slater vs. Doink The Clown

This is basically a squash with Slater hitting his spinning sleeper mat slam (didn’t that have a name?) for the pin at 1:20.

Post match, here’s DDP to a BIG reaction and a Diamond Cutter.

Video on John Cena and Alicia Fox visiting sick/injured troops.

Kane vs. Big Show

This is No DQ. Show controls to start and sends Kane to the floor. He pulls Kane up from the floor BY HIS HEAD, onlyt o knocks Kane back to the floor again. Show misses a charge into the barricade but he throws Kane into the steps to take over. They fight over a chokeslam onto the announce table but Show superkicks him down instead. Show brings a chair in but walks into a DDT for two. The top rope clothesline misses but Kane grabs the chair. Show spears him down and chokeslams Kane onto the chair for the pin at 3:44.

Rating: D+. This was probably the best possible idea for them: keep things short. This wasn’t horrible but I’m not sure what the point of the stipulation was. It came out of nowhere, but to be fair it probably made the match as watchable as it was. These two have never had good chemistry together so keeping it short was probably their best option.

Teddy runs into Eve in the back and she sucks up to him. Teddy gives her a nametag in a funny bit. She rips it up and runs into AJ, telling her to leave the mind games to the big girls and telling AJ to go sit in the corner and cry. AJ wants to know who Eve is going to brown nose next. Eve will do anything to get attention, so AJ says she’ll show everyone how to do just that.

DX invading WCW was a big deal as well. This one actually was.

Tyson Kidd vs. Tensai

Tensai takes him into the corner and fires off the headbutts but misses a charge. Kidd rolls him up……AND GETS THE PIN AT 20 SECONDS???? WOW.

Tensai beats up Sakamoto post match.

Jericho and Bryan debate jackets and a catchphrase duel breaks out. YES vs. EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVER is hilarious.

Punk tells Cena to follow his lead out there.

Tensai destroys Kidd in the locker room.

Chris Jericho/Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk/John Cena

Punk and Bryan start things off. They speed things up of course and Punk takes control. He sends Bryan into the corner and it’s a double tag. Cena dominates Jericho as he is known to do, knocking him off the apron as we take a break. Back with Jericho getting two on Cena and taunting him for not being able to tag Punk. The Lionsault misses but Bryan breaks up the tag again.

The corner dropkick gets two for Bryan and it’s off to Jericho again. The dueling chants begin but Jericho blocks the fisherman’s suplex. The AA is countered into a DDT but Cena fires Jericho into the corner to put both guys down. There’s the diving tag to Punk, who comes in with a springboard clothesline to take over on the fresh Bryan. Powerslam gets two and Bryan gets put in the Vice. Jericho FINALLY makes a save but Cena fights him up the aisle and into the back.

Punk and Bryan are the legal guys left, as well as the only two still in the ring. Bryan moonsaults out of the corner but gets caught in a sunset flip for two. Bryan starts firing off the kicks and a big one to the head gets two. Bryan goes up but gets superplexed down for another two. And here’s AJ to skip around the ring. No one looks at her so she gets on the apron as Bryan fires off kicks to Punk.

No one looks at her still so she gets down as the guys hit cross bodies at the same time. AJ goes under the ring and pulls out….a table? She sets it up at ringside and very slowly climbs the steps. AJ goes up top but Bryan gets in front of the table. Punk gets up on the ropes to stop her as well, so she kisses him. Then she shoves him through Bryan through the table and starts a YES chant. The match ends at we’ll say 17:30.

Rating: B. The match was great and while the ending was confusing, it’s certainly intriguing. This certainly keeps things interesting as she still hasn’t picked anyone. She’s the most interesting character in the company right now by far, because in short you don’t know what she (AJ for you idiots out there) is going to do next. Good ending to a good match.

Overall Rating: C. The first hour was similar to having a blind monk with Parkinson’s Disease brand me with an iron while Chinese torture masters ripped out my fingernails. The second hour was better, to the point where I was really getting into things before the show ended. Kidd pulling off that upset was the perfect move as it gives him even more momentum going into the PPV. In short, very good second hour, pretty bad first hour.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: June 25, 2012
Location: Allen County War Memorial Coliseum, Fort Wayne, Indiana
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

Tonight should be an eventful night. Jericho is back tonight and we should begin the build to the ladder matches. From what I understand we’re going to have specified title ladder matches instead of brand ones, meaning that the brands will mix even further. So far all we have is Big Show in the Raw Title match so we need to start filling in some of those spots. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the AJ saga and dang she is cute.

We go live and AJ is talking to all three of the guys she’s involved with, although we can’t see any of them. She tells “Daniel” that they need to drift apart. When she sees Kane she wants to get wild, but Kane is a monster instead of a man. She thinks of herself and Punk as soul mates but it’s best if they go their separate ways. The camera pans around to show she’s looking in a mirror.

Theme song.

Brodus vs. Show tonight.

Here’s Vickie because she’s in charge tonight. She thinks she’ll become GM on the 1000th episode of Raw. Here’s the first match.

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane vs. CM Punk

This is under elimination rules but I think it’s non-title. Kane takes them both down to start but Bryan goes for his leg. They double team the monster just like at the PPV and send him to the floor, only for Bryan to grab a rollup for two on Punk. Punk hooks a kind of curb stomp for two and knocks Kane back to the floor. The suicide dive meets an uppercut and AJ is watching in the back. Bryan dives into Kane and is rammed into the barricade as we take a break.

Back with Kane in control but the small guys double team him. That goes nowhere as Punk plays Animal to Kane’s Hawk, but the clothesline misses as Bryan rolls up Punk for two. They suplex Kane down and speed things up, doing their usual strike off. Kane charges over the top and Bryan gets launched on top of him. Punk dives onto both of them and heads back in. Punk dives into a YES Lock attempt but he rolls out of it. The high kick gets two on Bryan who gets his foot on the ropes.

He loads up the GTS but Kane kicks him down for two. Side slam gets the same. There’s the top rope clothesline and Kane loads up the chokeslam, but here’s AJ to skip around the ring. Chokeslam is countered and there’s the GTS to eliminated the big fried freak. Bryan comes in and kicks Punk in the head to win it at 10:10.

Rating: C+. I like this pairing and AJ made things even better as usual, so I’m fine with this as the opener. Kane is still the wildcard in this so it’s hard to say where things will wind up, but it looks like they’re going with Punk vs. Bryan III or IV or whatever they’re at. That’s cool with me as their previous matches have been awesome.

Alberto comes in to see Vickie and has Ricardo present her with roses. Del Rio says he’s #1 contender but Ziggler comes in and says he’s #1 contender. Vickie makes a match between them and it’s a contract on a pole for the title shot on Smackdown. Ziggler breaks the vase and flowers.

Brodus Clay vs. Big Show

Brodus jumps Show to start and hits the headbutt to the chest, but Show goes after the bad knee to take over. The knee gets wrapped around the post and there’s a Vader Bomb. Brodus fights back but Show falls on his slam attempt, giving Big Show the first win over Brodus at 2:35. I tell you, this Big Show kid is going places you hear?

Video on Cena’s 300^th wish being granted.

Another Raw moment is Bob Barker on Raw.

During the break Big Show knocked Brodus out. Brodus is going to be gone for awhile I’d bet.

We get the HHH challenge to Brock from the PPV as well as the reaction from Heyman from last week. Brock will answer HHH next week.

AJ hits on Kane some more. Kane says she makes him feel things. That’s not good either because he isn’t boyfriend material. He thinks she’s crazy and says they need to stay away from each other. AJ laughs and cries at the same time.

US Title: Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella

This is the first defense on Raw for Santino since April 16. Swagger runs away from the Cobra and slams Santino down for two. A legdrop sets up an armbar but Santino gets fired up again. Santino comes back with the usual and loads up the Cobra. Swagger picks him up but gets caught in a DDT. The Cobra retains at 2:39.

Cena finds a Johnny Ace shirt in a donation bin but Ryder throws it in the trash.

Here’s Cena for his major announcement. For the past month the company has been turned upside down to the point where it’s been like a bad Star Wars movie. Cena talks about the last month in Star Wars terms, such as Darth Show, Han Soul-Bro, the R2-A-RI and Cena Skywalker. That wasn’t bad. Apparently winning the match was easier than bullseyeing womp rats back in Beggar’s Canyon.

He goes to make the announcement….and here’s Jericho. We see Fozzy performing in Europe which is the explanation for his absence. Jericho says get on with your announcement because tonight is Jericho’s night. Cena says Jericho is back and makes the announcement that he’ll be in the MITB ladder match for the Raw World Title. He’s doing it so that Show won’t win the title. Cena says he’ll win the whole fudging thing, resulting in an argument over the show being PG.

Jericho doesn’t like the idea of Cena thinking he can walk into MITB and win in the first try. Jericho invented the match and has been in three of them, with Cena pointing out that he’s never actually won one. If Cena is looking for fun, go in a Bouncy House. Jericho enters as well, and here’s Vickie. She says there are two MITB matches and no one can place themselves in them. I guess Big Show gets grandfathered in?

Jericho cuts her off and Vickie freaks out. Only former WWE Champions will be in the Raw World Title match: Jericho, Kane, Big Show and Cena. Thank goodness as four people in there is WAY better and easier to work with. She makes Jericho vs. Cena for the main event.

Heath Slater vs. Psycho Sid

Sid slaps him down to start and slaps him off the top rope. A BAD looking spinebuster puts Slater down so Heath works on the knee a bit. Sid shrugs that off and hits a legdrop followed by the powerbomb for the pin at 1:29. Sid is no Vader.

Someone will be tweeting about Raw during the 1000th episode and they’re a celebrity. WWE.com says it’s….Charlie Sheen?

Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler

Contract on a pole, winner gets Sheamus on Smackdown. Del Rio pulls him down off the pole to start and Ziggler does the same to him. Del Rio climbs the corner but Ziggler climbs Del Rio, only to get caught in a Samoan Drop from the middle rope. They both go up again and the contract winds up on the mat. You have to control the contract and it becomes a game of who can get possession of it first. Both guys and the contract is down and Ricardo goes for it, only to have Ziggler kick it to the floor.

They tumble to the other side of the ring and here’s Sheamus to say it’ll be a triple threat match for the title. So the match is just kind of thrown out I guess, meaning no rating as I have no idea when it ended, but Sheamus came out after maybe 3:30 or so.

Punk vs. Bryan for the title is official for MITB.

AJ comes up to see Punk (AJ: “Guess who?” Punk: “King Kong Bundy?”) and suggests they go out after the show. Punk wants to have a talk with her but AJ misinterprets his meaning.

Another Raw Moment: This Is Your Life Rock.

Divas Battle Royal

They’re all in bikinis and Vickie enters it as well. You can go through the ropes to be eliminated here. It says a lot that I have no idea who half of these girls are. Everyone goes after Vickie to start and it’s a big brawl. Someone goes out and the announcers don’t bother to say who it is. Aksana is out and it’s your usual mess. Alicia and Kaitlyn are out as is Rosa. Beth puts out Tamina and accidentally knocks out Natalya. Layla puts out Beth so we have AJ, Layla and Vickie. AJ knocks out Layla with some help from Beth and Vickie tries to throw out La Psycho. AJ goes off and eliminates her to win at 2:13. This was AWFUL.

AJ does Bryan’s YES chant post match.

Smackdown is live next Tuesday and it’s the Great American Bash.

Chris Jericho vs. John Cena

Jericho bails from an AA attempt as we take a break. Back with Cena fighting out of a chinlock but getting dropkicked down for two. Cena hits a suplex to put Jericho down but he lowers his head for a boot to the face. Off to a chinlock but Cena escapes and this the spinning mat slam. Walls and AA are countered into the ProtoBomb and the Shuffle….but here’s Big Show. AA is countered into the Walls but Show drops the leg on Cena for the DQ at 8:18.

Rating: D+. You know, if Jericho had actually beaten Cena more than once in ten years (it’ll be ten years since he beat him one on one a week from today), I might actually buy him as a threat here. That isn’t the case though, so I didn’t particularly care about this match at all. Big Show running in helped a bit but the match was just there to fill in five minutes of TV time.

Overall Rating: C. The more I watch WWE TV lately, the more it becomes clear that they have NO idea where they’re going with AJ’s story. It’s entertaining so far, but man they’re starting to go in circles with it. The show wasn’t boring tonight but there were some very bad parts, such as the pole match being thrown out because Sheamus was apparently told it was a tie. Vickie is good at what she does and is still beyond annoying, but I wouldn’t want her around every week as GM. Decent show but with some BIG holes this week.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: June 18, 2012
Location: Nassau Coliseum, Uniondale, New York
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler
Guest Star: Cyndi Lauper

It’s the first show after No Way Out and Ace has been fired. Naturally he’s here tonight to say goodbye or whatever. Is anyone really surprised that someone is here the night after he got fired? Other than that we’re probably going to start the build towards MITB which is in four weeks. Punk is still champion so he needs a new challenger. Let’s get to it.

Here’s Foley to open the show. He got a call last night from the Board of Directors regarding the new permanent GM. Since he’s a former Commissioner, he was asked to host both Raw and Smackdown this week. Therefore tonight, it’s Kane/Daniel Bryan (HUGE Yes chant) vs. Punk/Sheamus. There’s something he has to do that isn’t so pleasing though, which is bring out Johnny Ace for his farewell address.

Ace is in a sling and a neckbrace while walking with a cane. Foley of course hugs him, making Ace cringe. The fans boo a lot and Ace keeps asking the fans to keep it down. Foley requests the same but also says Ace whispered that Long Island sucks. Ace says that before he was fired last night, he made the main event of Cena vs. Big Show, Otunga, and himself.

Sheamus/CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan/Kane

Sheamus and Bryan start and Danny Boy sends him to the apron. Sheamus comes back with the slingshot shoulder and a powerslam for two. Tag to Punk with a slingshot hilo for two. Off to Kane who kicks the champion in the face for two. That would be the shorter champion in case you’re confused for some reason. Punk hits forearms to both guys but Kane stops him cold again.

Punk ducks a clothesline and hits the suicide dive onto Bryan. This is a fast paced match so far. The springboard clothesline hits uppercut though and we take a break. Back with Punk fighting out of a chinlock with a failed GTS attempt. The chokeslam is countered by a high kick and both guys are down. Sheamus comes in with the top rope shoulder block. Bryan isn’t on the apron for some reason.

Powerslam gets two for Sheamus and there’s the Irish Curse. Bryan comes in sans tag but gets caught by six forearms to the chest due to Kane making the save. Regal Roll is countered and Kane shoves Sheamus to the floor. Bryan hits a running dropkick on the floor and takes over back inside. Some kicks to the chest get two and it’s back to Kane. Side slam gets two as does the top rope clothesline.

Back to Danny Boy who fires off more kicks but misses a running dropkick in the corner. Off to Punk who fires off with his usual stuff on Bryan. The neckbreaker is countered but Bryan’s kick misses. Powerslam sets up the running knee into the bulldog out of the corner. The Macho Elbow is countered and Bryan hits a superplex to put both guys down. And here’s AJ in Kane colors and a Kane match. The song being called Let’s Light It Up seems somewhat appropriate now. She skips around the ring and leaves with Kane following here. This allows a GTS into a Brogue Kick combination get the pin on Bryan at 14:29.

Rating: B-. Pretty decent main event style tag match here and AJ continues to be awesome. When a girl can look good in a mask, it says a lot. I would think this sets up Punk vs. Bryan again, but the ending wouldn’t really suggest that. Anyway, this was pretty solid and made for a good main event style tag match.

Ziggler and Swagger are arguing in the back when Vickie finally shoves them apart. She says that right now they’re going to have a match and the winner full attention.

Ace, Otunga and Show are in the back. Ace talks about how Show is going to know Cena out so Ace can pin him. He says it’s going to be funny when the fans get a great moment as their final Ace moment. Show says he doesn’t find anything funny.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger

BIG face pop for Ziggler here in Smark Land. They trade takedowns to start and show off afterwords. Ziggler gets thrown off and may have hurt his knee. Swagger goes after it with a leg lock and shouts that he’s better than Ziggler. There’s the ankle lock and Ziggler is pulled back to the middle of the ring. Swagger CRANKS on that thing but gets rolled off into the corner. Zig Zag gets the pin at 4:10. That was the only big move Ziggler hit all match.

Rating: C. This wasn’t bad but it was more or less a squash with a surprise ending. Ziggler is just dying for a face turn here as he has nothing left to do with Vickie but the same could be said about Swagger. Either way Vickie leaving one of them would be a good thing, but I think Ziggler would have the bigger impact.

Vickie kisses Ziggler post match.

We get HHH challenging Brock from last night.

Lawler’s favorite Raw moment is Vince in the hospital in 1998. Mr. Socko debuted and Austin hit him with a bedpan. The anal violation is missing.

Here’s Heyman to answer for Lesnar: No. As he leaves, here’s HHH. “You know, I don’t think we’re in a bingo hall here.” HHH says he wants to only talk to Brock Lesnar and Brock Lesnar will face him at Summerslam. Lesnar wants things to be about him, so Lesnar will be the star of Summerslam and we get a promotional poster with Lesnar on it. Heyman says Lesnar has no ego and even HHH laughs at that. HHH knows Lesnar will fight because there’s no way Brock will go down in history as the guy afraid of HHH.

Heyman tells HHH to stop pretending to be a fighter he used to be. Go back home to your wife and kids and be the King of Kings, because around here you’re not the king of anything. Paul tries to goad HHH into hitting him, even saying that HHH is becoming like Vince more and more every day.

Heyman says go ahead and hit me because them he and Lesnar will own this place, and there won’t be anything in it for HHH. There will however be something for Stephanie, and that snaps the Game. He doesn’t hit Heyman but he chokes him. Heyman says he’s HHH’s match because he’s smarter and knows everything HHH will do. And there’s a right hand for Paulie. HHH leaves as referees help Paul up.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Santino Marella

Non-title of course. Also since it’s the US Champion, this is a total squash with Santino tapping to the cross armbreaker in 1:25. Ricardo gets in a shot on the arm post match.

Video on Cyndi Lauper in the WWF in the 80s. Basically she was the catalyst for Hogan vs. Piper which spawned Wrestlemania.

Here’s Layla to introduce Lauper as part of the 1000th episode of Raw celebration. You know, a show Lauper has NEVER BEEN ON. Wendi Richter is here too. Lauper is BOMBED. Even Cole says we’re sorry for this after she says about two words. Richter says nothing of note. THANKFULLY Heath Slater comes out to brag about not needing a band. He’s going to debut his single here tonight and it’s him badly singing his theme song. Lauper makes fun of him and here’s Piper for the rescue.

He calls all four of them Miss and Slater says that Piper didn’t like Lauper back in the day. Piper takes off his jacket. He says he loves Lauper and gives her a gold record to replace the one he broke over Lou Albano’s head back in the day. Slater is still here for some reason. He says it’s time for him to sing and Lauper breaks the record over his head. Cole says this is one of the worst segments in Raw history. That would be correct.

Primo/Epico vs. Prime Time Players

AW introduces his new team, which is the Prime Time Players if you didn’t watch the PPV last night. Epico and Titus get things going and the power controls to start. Off to Young who Titus suplexes onto Epico for two. After a quick chinlock by Young it’s off to Primo as things speed up. Everything breaks down and Young’s gutbuster is countered. Backstabber to Young but Titus pulls him to the floor. The Colons hit steres dropkicks through the ropes but the Players leave before the double dives can hit. It’s a countout loss at 2:56. Ok then.

Jericho is back next week.

Here’s Ace to talk about how all of the fans are losers now because they don’t have People Power. Post break Teddy is here to rip up his name tag. Big Show says that there’s no need for him to be here because he knows he can beat Cena and that he doesn’t have to answer to Ace anymore. Otunga and Ace are on their own.

John Cena vs. John Laurinitis/David Otunga

Otunga starts and is slammed and bulldogged very fast. Ace walks away from a tag of course and after more of a beating, Cena FINALLY misses a charge and gets sent into the steps. Ace comes in and throws off the sling and brace and stomps away a lot. Now Otunga won’t tag in and walks out. Cena is back up, hits three AA’s and the STF for the tap at 6:21. I’m not even going to bother to rate this but it was nothing at all other than a way to write Ace off TV for at least a week.

Overall Rating: C-. This was more or less a throwaway show without anything really going down tonight. HHH punching Heyman is probably the biggest thing tonight and that’s really not saying much. The show wasn’t horrible but it was one that you could easily pass on without having to watch at all. Ace will be back I’m sure. Foley didn’t really do anything at all as the host either, but maybe that’s what Smackdown is for. Weak show this time.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: June 11, 2012
Location: XL Center, Hartford, Connecticut
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

It’s the final Raw before No Way Out and it’s a three hour special. The main draw tonight is that Vince is here to give Ace another performance evaluation. Also we may find out what’s going on with Del Rio, who may have a legit concussion and may be out of the title match on Sunday. We might even get some more contact between Cena and Big Show tonight if we’re unlucky. Let’s get to it.

Theme song opens us up.

Here’s Ace for the performance evaluation. Vince comes out and asks why he shouldn’t be fired. Ace says people power, and that we’re approaching the 100^th episode of Raw. Yes, 100^th. Vince asks the fans if they love people power, which of course gets booed loudly. He asks Ace about Lesnar and the big bonus to Big Show, the latter of which hasn’t performed well since 1999.

Ace reminds Vince about having his head shoved into Big Show against DX. Ace says that this is the new Big Show which will be proven on Sunday in the cage. Vince makes fun of Ace’s voice but gets cut off by Sheamus of all people. Vince introduces Sheamus to Ace which made me chuckle for some reason. Sheamus says he’s been listening to this and that he agrees with Ace. Ace really is the friend that he says he is.

He’s the kind of a guy that’ll fine you half a million dollars just because he can, or carry a grudge against you for bumping into him on the way to the ring. Vince stops to point out that Fire Johnny is the #1 trend worldwide. Sheamus calls Ace the worst GM ever and Vince should fire him. Ace says that he’s going to go find an opponent for Sheamus and Vince says it better be good or he’s fired. Vince rides away on Ace’s scooter because he’s Vince McMahon. Then he shoves it off the stage and does his walk to the back.

Back from a break and it’s officially confirmed that Del Rio is out of Sunday due to a concussion.

Sheamus vs. Tensai

They trade power moves to start and Sheamus pounds him into the corner. Tensai charges into a boot and Sheamus takes out the knee. Back up and Tensai hammers him down with an elbow, but Sheamus comes back with a clothesline to send both guys to the floor as we take a break. Back with Tensai working over Sheamus in the corner before hitting a running splash. Vader Bomb gets two.

Sheamus is trickling a little blood out of his mouth. Either that or his hair is melting. I guess it fires him up as he comes back with some ax handles. Tensai knocks him to the apron and we get the ten forearms from the outside instead of the inside. The top rope shoulder is caught in the Baldo Bomb but it only gets two. Back up and the Brogue Kick ends this out of nowhere at 9:19.

Rating: C. This was a hard hitting match, but it’s pretty clear that Tensai isn’t going to be a top main event guy. All I can say to that is phew, as his times in this spit haven’t impressed me in the slightest. At the end of the day he’s just Albert with a new name and nothing really that impressive to him at all. The match was a good striking battle though.

Vince says that’s strike one to Ace. Vickie comes in and suggests either Ziggler or Swagger to face Sheamus or both in a triple threat match. Ace says he has a great idea but asks Teddy for his thoughts first. Teddy says there are four former world champions here, with Khali and Christian being the other two. He suggests a fourway elimination match with the winner facing Sheamus. Vince likes it too, so Ace tells teddy to go get coffee. Ace offers him a fist bump and Vince says he has small hands.

Back with Tensai destroying Sakomoto, which is a good thing as the guy never really did anything.

We hear from Seth Green about his time as guest host of Raw.

Truth says he feels fine after getting attacked by Big Show. Little Jimmy however was traumatized. Truth tells Jimmy to straighten up. On Sunday, Big Show is going to lose to Cena. And Truth is now unconscious from a right hand.

Ad for the 1000th episode, which says that DX will be there.

Santino Marella/Layla vs. Beth Phoenix/Ricardo Rodriguez

Ricardo wrestles in his tuxedo of course. The girls start but Ricardo tags himself in. Santino has to come in now so Beth tags herself back in, telling Ricardo to stay out. Layla beats up both villains and Ricardo goes to the floor. Santino comes after him with the Cobra but Ricardo runs away….right into the post. Beth kicks Layla in the knee and hits the Glam Slam for the pin at 2:57. Total comedy match.

Post match Ricardo celebrates but Santino rips his shirt off, revealing a Justin Bieber t-shirt.

Otunga sucks up to Vince who isn’t impressed. Kofi storms in and demands a match with Show tonight, which is ok. Ace makes it a cage match as a preview for No Way Out.

Here’s Bryan to talk about the triple threat match. He says that one of the three wrestlers in the match is unlike the other, and it’s clearly him. He’s different because he doesn’t have AJ to deal with on Sunday. Punk has tried to steal her after Bryan proved he was a better wrestler and Kane is fascinated by any girl that looks at him and doesn’t vomit. Bryan says AJ is still obsessed with him, because once you go Bryan, you never go back. He says he’ll win the title on Sunday, but here’s Punk.

Punk says that for someone who is over AJ, Bryan talks about her a lot. AJ and Punk have one thing in common and that’s Bryan. Outside of the ring, AJ is out of Bryan’s league, and inside the ring, Punk is way out of Bryan’s league. Punk likes crazy chicks, but he likes the WWE Title even more. On Sunday, it’s about the title and Punk will either beat the deranged out of his mind freak, or he’ll beat Kane. Either way he’s leaving with the title.

Bryan: “No, No, No.” Bryan says Punk has changed. He used to be the voice of the voiceless but now he panders to everyone. The people have no voice because they have nothing to say. They chant that Big Show is a sellout, but the real sellout is Punk. Punk: “So says the ‘superstar’ in the YES YES YES t-shirt.” Punk talks about his shoot a year ago and how many people have complimented him on it since. It’s not Punk that has changed, but rather the people that have changed.

Just like him, Bryan has broken through the glass ceiling, but since then he’s become an insecure self-obsessed goat faced moron. The fans of course chant goat face. On Sunday, Bryan is getting a wake up call when he gets put to sleep. Cue Kane who talks about all of the things he’s done on Raw, including setting fire to JR, electrocuting Shane’s testicles and tombstoning a priest. His pipe bombs are actual bombs, so he’ll win the title on Sunday.

This brings out AJ who says he could see it in Kane’s eyes that he has a heart. Punk: “You’ve gotta love crazy chicks.” AJ says that you never get over your first love, and then she smiles at Punk. Punk is the coolest guy she’s ever known in her life. Bryan wants to know the point of this, which AJ says is that the best man will win. Ace pops up on screen and makes Bryan/Kane vs. Punk/AJ.

Christian vs. Great Khali vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger

Elimination rules and the winner gets Sheamus on Sunday. If Christian wins, Cody gets his title match at some later date. Khali chops everyone down to start and dominates, until the three blondes triple team him down. Christian hits a frog splash and they dog pile him for the pin and a break. Back with Christian getting double teamed for two. He backdrops Ziggler to the floor though and makes his comeback on Swagger.

Jack charges into an elbow in the corner and takes a jumping back version off the middle rope as well. Ziggler back in with a rollup on Christian for two, but Christian sends the team into each other. Killswitch is countered as is the corner sunset flip. The Vader Bomb hits feet and the corner sunset flip hits for two. Ankle lock goes on Christian but he makes the rope….which doesn’t count for some reason. Instead he sends Swagger into the post and hits the Killswitch but Ziggler steals the pin.

Vickie yells at him, allowing Christian to roll him up for two. Ziggler works over the knee and hooks a modified half crab. That gets escaped pretty quickly so Ziggler hooks the sleeper. That gets countered as well and Christian spears him down for two. Killswitch is countered into the Zig Zag which also gets two. Christian’s reverse DDT gets two and he goes up. Ziggler tries to run up the ropes but gets shoved down. Vickie’s distraction lets him get up though so Christian jumps down, reinjuring his ankle. Zig Zag gives Dolph the title shot at 12:20.

Rating: B-. This was pretty good with the final pairing being exceptionally solid stuff. Ziggler was definitely the best option, but gee, wouldn’t it be better if he hadn’t lost almost every match he’s had in the last few months? Still though, good stuff here with everyone doing their jobs well.

Vince is talking to Natalya who wants another Hart Family gathering on Raw. Vince says he’ll see them later but runs into Brodus’ chicks. The Funkadactyls beg Vince to let Brodus back on Raw but he says no. A dance party ensues. Ryder pops up with his jaw hanging open. Vince says WOO WOO WOO You Know It.

Ryback vs. Willard Fillmore/Rutherford Hayes

Ryback kills one of them and the other tries to run. Ryback kills him on the floor with a clothesline then throws him over the top rope and back in from the floor. Double Samoan Buster ends this in about 1:30.

Vince and Horny are watching Horny’s JR impression from Smackdown and Vince does a JR impression. Cena comes in (pop of the night) and they talk about their respective Wrestlemania failures. He wants Ace to be fired tonight and he won’t help Kofi. Cena leaves and Otunga comes in, talking about how Vince shouldn’t fire Ace. Vince: “No one likes someone that kisses another man’s behind. No offense.” The camera pans over to Regal who is sitting on the couch. Funny stuff.

Kofi Kingston vs. Big Show

Cage match. Show’s entrance is after a break and Brodus vs. Otunga is announced as the pre-show match on Sunday. Kofi charges at Show to start but he gets thrown down very quickly. The beating begins with Kofi being thrown into the cage time after time. After about five minutes of Show standing around, Kofi dives at the cage wall then jumps over Show to get some separation. Trouble In Paradise gets one and Kofi goes for the door. WMD kills Kofi and Show walks out at 7:24.

Rating: D+. I was tempted to not rate this as there was maybe a minute and a half of action in this. Show stood around A LOT in this and it got dull in a hurry. The problem here is that they made it clear what was going on in a hurry and there was no need to let it keep going. Nothing to see here but it did the job it was going for so points for that.

Sin Cara vs. Curt Hawkins

Hawkins’ tights are so bright green that even the lighting can’t cover them up. Cara sends him to the floor and hits a gorgeous corkscrew plancha. Hawkins trips him up and puts on a quick abdominal stretch which doesn’t last long. Cara comes back with the Tajiri elbow and then steps on Hawkins’ hands. He runs the ropes for the armdrag and the spinning mat slam gets the pin at 2:30.

There’s a clock counting down to Vince’s decision.

Bryan is getting ready in the back when Vince comes up. He says that there’s an expression of you can’t judge a book by its cover, and Bryan is the epitome of that. Bryan talks about how he was fired once before and had to prove his way back. Vince references the Mania loss in 18 seconds, which is faster than Vince has ever finished anything. What in the world was the point of this?

Ziggler’s favorite Raw moment was the first Raw.

Heath Slater vs. ???

The opponent is a former Raw main eventer that Ace has brought in. Slater wants to know why we’re talking about the past when he’s the current star. He says it’s Slater Time, so cue…..VADER TIME??? He looks WAY better than he did that time he was at Cyber Sunday. To be fair he looks like he ate half of the Rocky Mountains but it’s still an improvement. The fans go crazy for Vader and the pain begins. He destroys Slater but Heath gets in some shots. A slam attempt fails completely and the Vader Bomb ends this at 3:14. No point in rating it but it was fine all things considered.

AJ is panicking but Punk tells her it’s ok, just don’t do anything crazy. She kisses him on the cheek and his face says “why me?”.

Kane/Daniel Bryan vs. AJ/CM Punk

Punk tells AJ to stay on the apron while he does all the fighting. Kane starts and counters the bulldog with a big boot. Off to Bryan for some YES Kicks. After a quick chinlock Punk hits the powerslam to take him down. The Macho Elbow misses but Punk can’t tag out. Kane comes in and knocks Punk into the corner which constitutes a tag. AJ comes in….and skips around Kane. He turns to look at her so she jumps into his arms and kisses him. After that, Kane walks away and it’s off to Bryan. Punk kicks him down and the Macho Elbow gets the pin at 4:58.

Rating: C-. The match wasn’t the point here of course but rather the storyline development. I’m really curious as to what the conclusion of this is going to be which is the whole point of the story, which means it’s a success. I have no idea who is going to win on Sunday or what is going on, and I really like that feeling.

Post match AJ sits in the middle of the ring like Punk.

Here’s Vince with security guards for the decision on Ace. He sucks up to Connecticut before saying that since a life began here in Hartford (Stephanie) it’s appropriate that another ends here. Ace comes out and says he doesn’t appreciate what happened to his scooter. The security isn’t necessary because he would never attack Vince. Vince says the security is for Ace, because someone is going to be walked out of the business. Ace talks about the stuff he’s done for Raw and how the company needs him for the move to three hours.

He talks about People Power which Vince says are his signature two words. Vince has his own signature two words….and here’s Big Show. Show says that he can do anything he wants because he has an iron clad contract. Yeah he can be fired but then Vince would have to pay him millions of dollars for years, which Vince would never be able to do. Show says that’s not Ace’s fault, but rather Vince’s for everything he’s had to do for the past 14 years. Show has done everything Vince has asked for but now he can be what he really wants: a giant.

Instead of being worried about Ace, Vince needs to be worried about John Cena, because Show is going to destroy the golden goose. At No Way Out the feathers are going to get plucked and here’s Cena. Cena says he’s here on official business to get to the bottom of all this. What’s left to get to the bottom of? Show has blamed Cena, the fans and Vince. Who is blamed next? McDonalds for their chicken nuggets? The only person to blame is Ace who backed up the truck full of money to Big Show, causing nothing but whining from Big Show.

Ace has said that Show can now be a giant but Cena says Show has always been one. On Sunday, the match looks so one sided that there’s no challenge for Big Show. But what happens if he loses? If Show doesn’t win, there’s no excuse left. If Show loses, he’s no longer the World’s Largest Athlete, but rather the World’s Largest Disappointment. He’ll have to show up every week and hear the people call him a sellout.

Vince says he’ll be at ringside on Sunday, sitting next to Ace. If Show loses, Ace is fired. Show grabs Cena by the throat but security pulls them apart. Cena breaks free and pounds away but Show covers up. Show swings and misses Vince by about four inches but Vince goes down anyway. It did graze the top of Vince’s head so it doesn’t look completely awful, but it’s still bad. Show leaves to end things.

Overall Rating: B+. I had a really good time with this show tonight. First and foremost, the matches for Sunday were actually given development, especially the Raw Title match. Sheamus has a new opponent who fits perfectly for his match and will likely give him a much better match. Show vs. Cena was already set and Cena can turn it on at the drop of a hat so him just having a cameo was fine. The Vince/Ace stuff tied the whole show together and it worked very well. This is what you call EFFORT and it pays off.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: January 9, 2006
Location: Giant Center, Hershey, Pennsylvania
Attendance: 5,500
Commentators: Joey Styles, Jonathan Coachman, Jerry Lawler

This show can be summed up in three words: Live Sex Celebration. Edge shocked the world last night by cashing in the first Money in the Bank Briefcase to win the world title from Cena after Cena retained in the Elimination Chamber. Tonight, Edge and Lita are going to celebrate by having live sex on Raw, which is more or less the biggest nightmare that Linda McMahon wants to keep in her political closet. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the show last night. I remember talking to a huge Cena fan who I went to school with and freaking her out the next day by telling her what happened. This recap goes on for like five minutes too.

Here’s Cena to open the show. He’s still mostly a rapper here so he talks about how life is full of choices. Last night Edge had a choice to make and he won the WWE Championship because of it. Tonight the fans are making choices, including those that have made the choice that he sucks. He’ll stand with all the people that love him and for the people that hate him, they can kiss it. Tonight, he’s cashing in his rematch clause and he wants Edge right now.

Cue Lita who was in her VERY hot period. She says Cena doesn’t get his rematch tonight because of “oral persuasion” she gave to Vince, so the rematch is at the Rumble. Apparently the only wrestling Edge will be doing tonight is with her, in the ring tonight. It’s going to be a threesome with the two of them plus the title. See, Edge actually knows what to do in bed. Cena says he’ll see Edge at the Rumble.

Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James

Trish is defending but Mickie psycho at this point, so she demands that the fans cheer louder for Trish. Wait Ashley is challenging. So why is Mickie there at all?

Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Ashley Massaro

Trish is still defending. Ashley grabs a headlock to start and grabs a quick headscissors. It’s clear that she’s not ready to be in the ring for an extended period of time yet but she’s getting the basics down I guess. Ashley hits a kind of bulldog for two but it causes Mickie to snap and come in for the DQ. Psycho Mickie was awesome. Lillian screws up and announces Trish as the winner.

RVD will return in the Royal Rumble. He had been out for most of a year.

Cena is getting ready in the back when Vince comes in. Vince talks about great those first time things are, such as the first time Edge won the title last night and the first time for Edge vs. Cena at the Rumble. Then he talks about the Live Sex Celebration which isn’t his idea either. Cena seems to like the idea, but Vince says if Cena interferes he loses his rematch. Before he leaves, Cena says there’s some evidence of Lita’s “oral persuasion” on his pants. Cena wasn’t quite ready to talk to Vince at this point.

Carlito is getting taped up for his match later when Masters, his partner, comes in and grabs him by the shirt. Masters yells about the loss last night and blames Carlito for it, as Carlito screwed Masters over while he had Cena in the Masterlock. That really was pretty stupid of him when you think about it. They have a tag match later.

Rob Conway vs. Chavo Guerrero

Royal Rumble qualifying match. Conway runs him down to start and poses ala Chavo. Chavo comes back with right hands in the corner as I have to question who thought this match was a good idea. I get that Chavo was getting a push recently because Eddie died but do we need to see him qualify against Rob freaking Conway? Chavo tries to skin the cat but gets kneed to the floor.

Conway works on the back on the floor and Chavo is in some trouble. Back in and it’s off to a chinlock with a knee in the back. An Eddie chant brings Chavo back and he kicks Rob to the floor, followed by a pescado to take him out. Chavo pounds away and dropkicks him down for two. Conway rolls through a spinning cross body out of the corner for two as the announcers discuss the live sex celebration. Rob mocks Eddie’s chest slap to really make him hated but his suplex is countered into Three Amigos and the Frog Splash gets the pin.

Rating: D. This was in essence a squash match that took awhile. Did we really need to see Chavo Guerrero qualify for the Rumble? This was one of the downsides to Eddie’s death: Chavo getting pushed because of it. Chavo is a talented guy but at the end of the day, there’s nothing of note to him. The match was pretty weak here too. Oh and in case you were wondering, Chavo would last 59 seconds in the Rumble.

The Wrestlemania Big Time Moment is Edge winning MITB. Seems appropriate for tonight.

Shawn is in the back when Angle comes in. Kurt is mad at Shawn for superkicking him out of the Chamber last night. Shawn says he did it because Angle busted him open. They’re a team tonight so they need to forget about last night. Apparently a match against Carlito/Masters is bigger than a world title match in the main event of a PPV. Ok then Shawn. Shawn wants to know if he can trust Angle. Angle shows off his medals and asks if he can trust Shawn. Kurt mentions something about a zero tolerance policy.

Shelton and Mama Benjamin are here with Mama running into Val Venis. She recognizes him from some of his movies but can’t place him. He lists some titles and is told where he’s going when he dies. This was one of those questionable choices they made around this time, as Mama Benjamin is a comedian in a fat suit.

Chris Masters/Carlito vs. Shawn Michaels/Kurt Angle

Shawn and Angle argue over who starts the match so the other team jumps them. Angle sends Masters to the floor so it’s Shawn vs. Carlito to get us going. Carlito gets taken to the mat via a headlock and things settle down a bit. Shawn pulls the hair which is a bit more evil than it usually would be due to the massive afro that Carlito has. Off to Angle who gets a big response here in Pennsylvania. He hooks a headlock of his own as Daivari (Angle’s manager) yells a lot.

Carlito finally hits a suplex but Angle runs him over with a clothesline for two. Shawn comes in and gets a good reaction in his own right. It’s quickly back to Kurt who takes Masters down with a headlock. That’s a popular move tonight isn’t it? Masters fights up and hits a powerslam but the Masterlock is countered into a release German. Angle misses a charge into the post and Carlito knocks Shawn to the floor as well.

We take a break and come back with Carlito stomping on Angle in the corner. Angle finally snaps off an overhead suplex to get himself a breather and it’s a double tag to bring in Masters vs. Shawn. Shawn slams him down and hits the top rope elbow for no cover. He loads up Chin Music but Carlito makes the save. Carlito comes in legally now and hooks a chinlock. Shawn is bleeding a bit over the eye.

The Backstabber stops a Shawn comeback but Shawn hits a backdrop out of nowhere. Angle walks away from the tag though and Shawn is in trouble again. Shawn breaks the Masterlock before it goes on and DDTs Masters down. Angle walks away from another tag attempt to check on the shine on his medals. Shawn superkicks Kurt down which counts as a tag apparently. Masters throws on the Masterlock which gets the win via knockout. Daivari gets a superkick too.

Rating: C. This was the main event style tag match but it was more about furthering Shawn vs. Angle which is more than fine with me. This would continue an incredible series between the two which saw them stealing almost every show they were on. Carlito and Masters would self-destruct soon after this without many people caring. Carlito had a ton of potential but it never really went anywhere.

Vince comes up to Shawn in the back and says that was the real Shawn. He makes Shawn vs. Kurt for next week to end their feud once and for all.

We get some stills from last night where HHH used a sledgehammer to beat Big Show.

HHH says it’s funny that Cena lost the title to someone that meant nothing a week ago. That was a big change, but the one constant around here is him. He warned Big Show that he would get hurt if he came after HHH and that’s what happened. Now it’s time to go to the Rumble and then to Wrestlemania.

Vince’s Devils (Torrie, Candice and Victoria) are in a bed in the back. Ok then.

Last night after the win, Edge and Lita said they would have sex on TV tonight.

Clip of Stacy Keibler on Dancing with the Stars.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Val Venis

Another Rumble qualifying match. Val takes over to start but Shelton hides behind his Mama. Back in and Shelton works over the back to take over. Off to a chinlock which Val fights out of pretty quickly. Mama shouts that Shelton better win here. Val comes back with a half nelson slam and small package for two each. A spinebuster looks to set up the Money Shot but Shelton rolls away and grabs an Oklahoma Roll for two. Val gets a cradle out of the corner for two as Mama keeps shouting. She stabs Val in the tights with something, allowing Shelton to hit the Exploder for the pin.

Rating: D. This was a comedy match that forgot to be funny. It was a common thing both then and now to see the company trying to be funny and probably amusing themselves, but for the masses, this comes off as really stupid and unfunny. Hey look, a stereotypical fat black woman yells a lot and gets a win for her son. This totally makes me want to watch more of the show right?

Royal Rumble ad, with the theme of Ancient Rome with Vince as Caesar. This guy’s sexual fantasies would scare me to death.

Kane vs. Snitsky

Rumble qualifier, Snitsky assault, Kane no sells, chokeslam, pin, less than a minute.

Kane says that’s the first casualty on his way to Mania. There will be 29 others at the Rumble, which isn’t the error that I thought it was.

Edge arrives and is met by Lita.

Here are Edge and Lita for the Live Sex Celebration. Edge says that the champ is here and that no one saw it coming. He outsmarted everyone and cashed in when no one expected it. To be fair that’s true, as this wasn’t a total cliché like it’s become now. Edge says that in this industry, you don’t have to be the biggest or the toughest, but you do have to be the smartest. He was patient, just like he was with Lita. He took everything he wanted and last night he did that again.

We get a highlight reel of Edge’s past set to Right Here by Staind. It’s actually a decent recap of his career. That brings us to last night but they didn’t have sex. Edge wants to do it right here live on Raw. We get the special music and they take each others’ boots off. Lita’s top comes off as does Edge’s. The skirt and pants come off next so they’re in their underwear. Edge throws her down in front of him so she’s bent over and there goes her bra. They go under the covers and we get a full on shot of Lita’s breast. Edge takes her underwear off and Lita seems to go down a bit.

And here’s Ric Flair because who wants to see Lita right? He calls Edge a disgrace to the title and says he’s dead in the bed. Flair dances down the aisle as Edge puts his pants back on. Flair chops him to the floor but gets his head cracked with a chair. Say it with me: Flair is busted open. Edge loads up the announce table and puts the chair on it before going to get another one. There’s a Conchairto for Flair and Cena finally runs through the crowd to make the save. Edge runs off so Cena goes and looks under the covers at Lita. Smart man that Cena. Lita takes an FU to end the show.

Overall Rating: B-. Ok the wrestling here pretty much sucked, but this was ALL about Edge vs. Cena. If I remember right, and I could be wrong, this show did one of the highest ratings in years, which is to say that Edge was a popular choice as champion. The Live Sex Celebration may be the second pinnacle of his time in WWE, which is saying a lot all things considered. This was a big moment, but unfortunately Cena got the title back just three weeks later, as they didn’t trust Edge at Mania yet. Still though, this is more about a memory than a great show, which is ok.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 2, 2005
Location: Fleet Center, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 6,500
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Now that I’m done with all of the pay per views, I’m going to take a small break and do a show that I’ve wanted to talk about for awhile. This show is built around finding a #1 contender for Batista who is Raw World Champion at the moment. Therefore, we need to have a tournament. There’s one match on this show that I’m reviewing it for and for you KB trivia fans out there, it’s my favorite match ever. Let’s get to it.

We open in the back with Batista hitting on Christy Hemme. Bischoff comes up and tells Batista he did well last night against HHH, so tonight we’re starting the Gold Rush Tournament with the winner getting a shot at Batista. The eight people know they’re in but they don’t know who they’re facing until the announcer says their name. Batista is told he has the night off but he says he wants a match tonight. Batista says he wants Bischoff and it looks like he wants to rape him. Eric screams and Batista implies he’s only kidding.

Gold Rush Tournament First Round: Christian vs. Kane

Tomko is with Christian here and Lita is on a crutch with Kane. Christian talks trash to Kane to start and that’s just not smart. Kane shoves him from the middle of the ring and out to the floor with ease. Back in and a big boot puts the Canadian down and an uppercut puts him outside again. Christian sends Kane into the steps to take over. He hits a springboard crossbody to the floor and Kane is put down again.

That gets two in the ring and Christian chokes away in the corner. Kane shrugs all that off and throws Christian into the air in retaliation. Chokeslam is countered and Christian hooks a sleeper. Kane counters that into a side slam but Tomko breaks up the top rope clothesline. Unprettier is countered but Tomko gets on the apron. Kane sends Christian into him and the chokeslam sends Kane to the semifinals.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t bad but it was just a step above a squash. Christian would be gone to TNA a few months after this but he went down in the midcard so at least he advanced a bit. There wasn’t much here as Kane pretty much dominated Christian the entire time. It could have been worse though.

Tomko gets a chokeslam post match.

Flair makes fun of Christian for losing. Flair “raps”, and says HHH will win the tournament. The 80s just died a bit.

Muhammad Hassan complains about not being in the tournament and blames Hogan, Shawn, the fans, and Daivari for the loss last night. Daivari gets beaten down but he still follows Hassan to the back.

Here’s Viscera who talks about how he loves women. He wants to go south of the border and looks at Lillian. Simon Dean comes out to keep this from getting even more uncomfortable. He offers Viscera a lifetime supply of the Simon System products and that ticks the fat man off.

Viscera vs. Simon Dean

Simon makes a bunch of fat jokes and gets run over. Viscera puts him in the Tree of Woe and crushes him but misses an elbow. That gets Dean nowhere as a chokeslam and splash literally squash him. This was nothing.

Viscera says he’s back on the market.

Candice and Stacy are in the back to plug Stacy’s STUFF Magazine photo shoot. Bischoff comes up to double the plugs and walks on to his office. HHH is waiting there and wants to know why this tournament exists. It should be his title shot because he got screwed out of the title last night. Bischoff says HHH gets his rematch if he wins the tournament. Until then, get out of the office.

Benjamin is in the tournament and says he isn’t nervous because he’s the Intercontinental Champion. He has to be ready for anyone at any time, but Jericho interrupts. Jericho lost to Shelton last night and Jericho seems to respect Shelton now. Jericho is in the tournament and says he might be Shelton’s opponent. Shelton wishes Jericho luck and they shake hands.

Gold Rush Tournament First Round: Shelton Benjamin vs. Shawn Michaels

This is the match that I was talking about. Shawn is back in the world title hunt after going after Muhammad Hassan for a few months. Shelton is on fire at this point so this is going to be great. They immediately hit the mat and Shelton dominates as you would expect him to. Shawn grabs a hammerlock and they hit the mat again. Shelton rides him again and Shawn has to head to the ropes to get a break.

Shelton takes him back to the mat but Shawn easily gets back up. A cradle gets two for Shawn out of nowhere and it’s followed by a forearm to take over. Shelton comes back with a clothesline and both guys go to the floor. We take a break and come back with Shelton countering a belly to back superplex into a cross body off the top but he can’t cover. Batista is watching in the back.

Shelton hits a Samoan Drop and both guys are down again. Things speed up and Shelton gets two off a backbreaker. Shawn hits the forearm and nips up, but Shelton nips up a second later, freaking Shawn out. We get a fast paced pinfall reversal sequence and Shawn takes Shelton down with a hard chop. Benjamin comes back with the Stinger Splash in the corner but the T-Bone is broken up.

Sweet Chin Music is caught and the Dragon Whip gets two. That sounded GREAT and JR’s commentary is only making this better. Shelton loads up a superplex but Shawn knocks him down and hits the elbow for two. Another Chin Music attempt is countered by a high kick for a VERY close two. Shelton jumps from the mat to the top rope and hits a spinning clothesline for another two. This is getting better and better with each kickout. Shelton gets sent to the apron and tries a springboard, but he jumps right into the Sweet Chin Music in an incredible spot. Shelton is DEAD and Shawn advances. That never gets old.

Rating: A+. It’s my favorite match ever. What grade did you expect me to give it? Also, this probably furthers Shawn’s record of most A+ matches for a single guy held by Shawn. The last few minutes of this has some of the best near falls on TV that I’ve ever seen. This is easily one of the best TV matches of all time. The only issue I have with it: what was Shelton going for at the end other than diving into the kick? I’ve never gotten that. The idea here was simple: Shawn was fighting himself from ten years ago. That’s very interesting and it worked like a masterpiece here.

Edge says he’s in the tournament because he wants another shot to go with his MITB contract. Apparently if he gets drafted, he loses the shot in the case. Ok then. Edge says he’ll be champion and goes up to Lita and Victoria. Victoria says she’s looking at nothing. Nothing here.

Raw Tag Titles: La Resistance vs. Hurricane/Rosey

Hurricane and Rosey won the belts last night in tag team turmoil. Rosey gets jumped before the match starts and the fat man gets to start with Grenier. A Hart Attack gets two on Rosey and it’s off to Conway. Back to Grenier for nothing of note and it’s back to Conway. Rosey breaks free and it’s off to Hurricane. No one is responding to any of this at all. A top rope rana gets two on Grenier and Conway is sent to the floor. A side slam/Eye of the Hurricane combo gets the pin on Grenier to retain.

Rating: D. What in the world was the point of this other than filling in time? The answer to that would be nothing, as it was nothing but filler. These four guys were in the horrible spot on the card as they had to be thrown out there in between the major matches and had to fill in time. That’s a horrible spot to be in but at least they got on the show which is more than Hurricane and Rosey would do for a long time.

Gold Rush Tournament First Round: Chris Jericho vs. Edge

Jericho works on the arm to start and sends Edge into the buckle over and over. He goes up but Edge shoves him over the top rope and out to the floor. Back in and a backbreaker gets two. Off to a chinlock which is quickly broken and Batista is watching in the back. Edge stops to dance but misses a charge, getting sent into the ropes for his dancing abilities. Jericho speeds things up and hits the running hip attack to Edge’s back while Edge is in 619 position. That really needs a name.

Jericho hits an enziguri for two and stays on Edge. A sleeper drop gets two for Jericho but the bulldog is escaped. A big boot puts Jericho down but as Edge goes to get the case, Jericho hits the springboard dropkick to send it into Edge’s face. Jericho takes Edge down with a plancha but back inside Edge hits the Edge-O-Matic for two. Jericho counters the spear into the Walls but Edge makes the rope. As the referee tries to break it up, Edge gets in a case shot and a missile dropkick gets two for Edge. A spear sends Edge to the next round.

Rating: B-. This was getting good for awhile but Edge using the case was a cheap ending. At least it was new at this point and it hadn’t been driven into the ground yet. Edge would spend most of the rest of the year feuding with Matt Hardy while Jericho would do next to nothing until leaving in August. Good match but it needed a few more minutes.

Here’s Chris Masters for the Masterlock Challenge. He offers four grand and an autographed Red Sox jersey. A plant is brought in and this goes as well as you would expected it to.

Gold Rush Tournament First Round: Chris Benoit vs. HHH

A quick Pedigree is countered into a Crossface attempt but HHH escapes. Benoit escapes a belly to back suplex but can’t hook the Sharpshooter. Another Crossface attempt is countered and they head outside. Back in and HHH clotheslines him in the back of the head to take over. They head to the floor and Benoit’s eyes are absolutely bugging out of his head. It looks like something from a comedy horror movie actually.

We take a break and come back with Benoit’s eyes still messed up. That’s so scary when you look at things now. HHH drops a knee on the back of the head for two. Benoit comes back with some chops but gets caught in a sleeper. After a few moments it gets broken up via HHH being sent into the buckle but Benoit can’t follow up. A belly to back suplex puts HHH down as does a German suplex but HHH elbows him in the head to escape.

Now the Rolling Germans hit and the Swan Dive gets a very delayed two. Benoit is looking scarier and scarier with every hit to that head. HHH charges but gets caught in the Sharpshooter. Flair is brought in and chopped in the corner but HHH hits Benoit in the head and the referee goes down. Cue Batista who cleans house, including a spinebuster to HHH. Benoit puts on the Sharpshooter and Batista pulls the rope away so HHH has to tap.

Rating: B. This was a good match but the Benoit stuff was scary at times. Even taking out what we would learn about him later on, this was some bad stuff, as Benoit’s eyes were all over the place during some of the match. Those shots to the head looked vicious and it was hard to watch. The ending was good too as Batista’s smile was great when he was holding the rope away. Good match.

Overall Rating: A. With five matches on the card and three of them being above average to great and the other two being short, what more can you ask for from a show? This was excellent from a wrestling perspective and the stories advanced well enough. I can’t ask for much more than this which is a great surprise in a show from 2005. This is well worth tracking down.

 Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: July 15, 2002
Location: Continental Airlines Arena, East Rutherford, New Jersey
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

This is another request and with good reason: EVERYTHING changes here. Well maybe not everything but a lot of things certainly do. First of all there’s the debut of the longest running Raw GM tonight, as well as a stable being thrown out completely. For the life of me I can’t believe they just threw this out on Raw instead of having it on a big PPV or at least built up or something, but this is WWE in 2002 so the logic is LONG gone. This is also the last Raw before Vengeance 2002. Let’s get to it.

We open in the back with Taker glaring at Heyman. Heyman says that the main event tonight was his idea. It’s Taker/Brock vs. Flair/Van Dam. Apparently Brock wants Taker on Sunday but Taker says that’s the last thing Brock wants. Taker says he makes the next big things disappear. Oh that’s GREAT.

Here’s Vince to the NWO music. He says that as of now, the NWO is officially gone and that was the last time that you’ll ever hear that music. Until it was 2011 and WWE thought we wanted Kevin Nash in the main event. Vince says the NWO era is now history, which is the case of a lot of previous eras. He lists off some eras, which is kind of cool to hear. However, all of these eras have ended because the company needs to change with the times. That’s what’s happening now, as we’re going to have GM’s on each show with complete authority. The Raw GM is revealed tonight and he’ll give the fans what they deserve.

Flair has no idea who the GM is but no one outside of a McMahon knows how hard this is.

Jeff Hardy/Spike Dudley/Bubba Ray Dudley vs. William Regal/Chris Benoit/Eddie Guerrero

Jeff is European Champion and beat Regal last week to win it. This is also under elimination rules. The other four meet in an elimination tag on Sunday as well. It’s a big brawl to start until Spike and Eddie get us going. Spike gets headbutted in the ribs but a VERY fast rollup with an even faster count gets the pin to eliminate him. Bubba comes in with a quick Bubba Bomb but Regal saves. Off to Benoit who gets chopped in the corner but Regal cheats to take over.

Bubba comes back with the dancing punches and an elbow to Regal’s head for two. Eddie comes in illegally and is launched to the floor. Off to Hardy for about half a second before Bubba comes in again. Eddie and Benoit go suplex happy and it’s Benoit vs. Jeff. Eddie comes in quickly and picks Jeff apart with shots to the back and neck. Regal in now to slow things down before tagging Benoit back in.

A belly to back suplex puts Jeff down and Eddie comes back in for his spinning eye rake. The heels tag in and out very quickly. Regal catches Bubba not paying attention and things break down. Regal brings in the European Title but Bubba gets it away and clocks William for it, but that’s a DQ so it’s 3-1. Hardy immediately hits the Swanton on Regal to make it 2-1 as we take a break.

Back with Eddie missing a slingshot hilo so that Jeff can cradle him for the pin to get us down to one on one. After some double teaming before Eddie leaves, Benoit hits a German suplex. Jeff gets sent to the corner but comes out with Whisper in the Wind. Eddie comes back out as a decoy, allowing Regal to pop up and knock Hardy out with the brass knuckles. Crossface goes on and Hardy is unconscious to end it.

Rating: B. This was good, primarily for two reasons. First of all it had time to develop. That’s very important as it would have gotten annoying to see five eliminations in about a minute. Also, having Hardy lose by cheating was good as you can’t have Hardy beat all three guys but you also want to keep him strong. This was very well done and it worked. I could have seen this being on PPV, which is a rarity for Raw.

Post match Benoit and Eddie set up a table but the Dudleys make the save.

Coach has some suggestions for who might be the GM. Some names floating around are Mick Foley, Vince’s brother, and Paul Heyman, who pops up after being asked to meet with Vince. Heyman goes into Vince’s office and Coach says he’ll wait until Heyman leaves. A production chick literally runs in and says the new GM has arrived.

Post break the new GM comes in and Vince is shocked because it’s…..Shane? Vince says Shane isn’t the GM but Shane yells about how bad of an idea this is. Shane knows who the GM is and says that the new guy is a parasite that is going to screw over the company.

Van Dam and Dreamer are in the back talking about the GM stuff. Van Dam is glad it’s not Heyman. Dreamer asks about the Van Terminator that Heyman took last week and Van Dam says he had it coming for years. He wants to hit Lesnar for one too. Van Dam leaves and Stevie Richards pops up. He doesn’t believe what Tommy has been saying lately so let’s make our match a Singapore Cane match. Various jokes are made so here’s Goldust for a cameo. Richards hits Dreamer with the cane.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Stevie Richards

Basically there are few rules but Singapore Canes are legal. Dreamer gets in a few shots to start and they head to the floor. Tommy jumps off the steps for a shot to the back of Richards. Stevie gets in a shot to the face (all shots here are with canes unless otherwise noted) and yells at the cane. Dreamer is busted. Richards suplexes him on the ramp but might have hurt his shoulder in the process.

Back inside now for some choking with the cane. Stevie destroys Dreamer with the cane but Dreamer begs for more. Dreamer takes him down and beats on him before hitting a DDT for two. Dreamer goes up for a shot from the middle rope but jumps into a superkick for two. Both guys get canes but Dreamer is quicker and he BREAKS THE STICK over Richards’ head. FREAKING OW MAN!

Rating: C+. They knew what they were going for here and the idea worked pretty well: hit each other with some sticks for about four minutes with some occasional wrestling thrown in. Sometimes that’s all that you need and it worked pretty well here. Besides, what else do you expect from these two?

Booker is with Coach (Coach is taller actually) and says that less than a month after he got kicked out of the NWO, the NWO is gone. He feels like celebrating and wants a Coach-A-Rooni. Coach says no and Booker thinks that since Rock is on another show, he’s the new announcer abuser. Coach does a HORRIBLE one and Booker rips him apart for it. “You sure you black dog?” Booker is ready for Big Show and does his catchphrase, but Eric Bischoff pops up. Yes, THIS is how they did the reveal.

Here’s Vince to no music for some reason. He introduces Bischoff as the new GM in a really underwhelming reveal. Vince and Bischoff hugging on the stage of Monday Night Raw is SO bizarre to see. He comes out to Back in Black for some reason too. Bischoff gets in the ring and says that he’s the guy that ran WCW, but not the Invasion version: the REAL WCW. He says he’s the guy that Vince was talking about when he mentioned ruthless aggression.

Bischoff was the ruthless one, signing up every big star that WWF had. He signed Heenan and Okerlund just because he could. Eric talks about raiding Vince during the steroid trial and making the war personal. He talks about the tricks that he did during the Monday Night Wars and how that was innovative (if you call stealing stuff that the Poffos did to the Jarretts back in the 80s innovative then sure) which is what made him successful rather than Turner’s money.

He talks about Madusa and throwing the belt away which was ruthless and aggressive. Bischoff talks about how he gave away PPV quality main events which is what made Vince change the way he did TV. Then he created the NWO (again, if you call stealing ideas from other companies new then yeah that’s true) and beat the WWF 84 weeks in a row. He came this close to putting the WWF out of business.

Then he got a phone call from Vince asking him to run Raw. That makes perfect sense to him because only he could turn this place into a national media powerhouse. The one piece of talent he wanted but could never get was HHH. You know, the guy he HAD under contract and cut. Great eye for talent there Eric. People like working for him and it’s not just about the money. Bischoff is going to put the E in WWE.

Ok so some quick thoughts on this. First of all: WHERE WAS BISCOFF DURING THE INVASION??? If there was a single person PERFECT for running that, it was Bischoff. Apparently he was available at a reasonable price eight months later, and with Flair and the NWO being available three months after Survivor Series, could there be a better leader for a prolonged Invasion? Of course there was: Shane McMahon. Don’t you get the connection?

Second, this wasn’t the best opening promo in the world. All he said was that he was going to bring HHH to Raw, which is fine in theory but he spent about ten minutes explaining stuff to people that likely didn’t care. See, this is one of the BIG problems with the way modern wrestling works: sometimes this behind the scenes stuff works, but this was a good wrestling show so far and they stopped it for this. Yeah this is a huge moment, but talking about “history” is only so interesting to a crowd that doesn’t care about a lot of it. This was a good shock value moment, but I’m not wild about the execution.

Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Molly Holly

Molly is defending. The champ gets a quick DDT after jumping Trish for two. Trish comes back, pounding away in the corner and hitting the Stratusphere. Chick Kick hits for two. The handspring elbow is countered into a victory roll for the same. Molly hits a backbreaker for two and Trish starts coming back. She loads up Stratusfaction but gets suplexed down. That and feet in the ropes get the pin to retain. This was nothing.

Flair runs into Bischoff in the back. Bischoff wants to bury their past issues but Flair is skeptical.

Booker T vs. Big Show

NWO fallout. Booker tries to fire away in the corner but Show easily overpowers him. A big delayed vertical suplex puts Booker down but an elbow drop misses. Booker rams him into the corner and superkicks him into the ropes. The side kick puts Show down and a clothesline puts both guys on the floor. Show’s running knee hits the steps and Booker’s chair shot misses. Back in the ring Booker has a chair taken from him and Show shoves the referee down for the DQ.

Rating: D-. What in the world was the point here? Oh I got it: to push Big Show because we haven’t done that before. Booker was always getting the shaft in WWE as he had the chance to become the guy that was pushed out of the NWO, but instead it’s Big Show that gets the push. Don’t you see the logic there?

Big Show beats him down with the chair and chokeslams him through the table post match.

Brock is lifting a piece of the set in the back because he can. Heyman seems glad that Bischoff is here. Apparently they have a plan about Undertaker.

A WWE employee has died. Apparently he worked in merchandise.

Hardcore Title: Bradshaw vs. Christopher Nowitski

Bradshaw is defending of course. Chris offers to lay down and be pinned but of course he tries the small package which only gets two. Bradshaw clotheslines him to the floor and the beating begins. Christopher gets taken down with a HARD steps shot and Nowitski runs into the crowd. They head to the backstage area and Bradshaw keeps killing him. And here’s Johnny The Bull to hit Bradshaw and steal the title. Unique no?

Big Show and Bischoff chat in the back. It’s Booker vs. Show in a street fight on Sunday.

Johnny The Bull comes in to brag to Bischoff and loses the title to Bradshaw in the process.

Taker warns Brock not to screw with him.

Brock Lesnar/The Undertaker vs. Ric Flair/Rob Van Dam

Taker is WWE Champion and is teasing a face turn. Van Dam is facing Lesnar on Sunday for the IC Title. Flair is here because he might be the top face on Raw. Flair and Taker start us off and Ric is easily overpowered. They head to the corner so Flair can chop him and take over. Van Dam gets a blind tag and a top rope cross body for two. Taker misses a running big boot in the corner and Van Dam fires away with kicks.

Rob kicks the leg and you know that’s the call of the Nature Boy. Figure Four goes on very quickly but Taker easily sits up and chokes his way out of it. A low blow gets Naitch out of it and the old school beating begins. There’s the chokeslam for two and it’s off to King Brock. Lesnar throws Flair around and uses the power shoulders in the corner. He hits the multiple backbreakers and Taker gets in a shot as well. Taker comes in legally so he can pound Flair down in the corner. The jumping clothesline puts Flair down but he comes back with thumbs to the eye.

For no logical reason Flair goes up, but at least they mix it up this time and it’s a superplex instead of the traditional slam. Off to Lesnar who pounds on Flair some more and hits a powerslam. Brock charges into the post and Flair manages a suplex to get the hot tag. Van Dam cleans house and hits Rolling Thunder on the tagged in Dead Man. Missile dropkick and split legged moonsault put Brock down for two. Flair breaks up the Last Ride attempt but walks into the F5. While Brock is down he takes the Five Star, but the Last Ride ends Van Dam for the pin.

Rating: C. Just a main event tag match here. I’m really not sure why they had Flair in there as Taker was defending against Angle and Rock on Sunday, but that’s what happens in the opening days of the Brand Split I suppose. Not a terrible match but it didn’t really change much for the most part.

Bischoff calls Rock to try to steal him to Raw to end the show.

Overall Rating: C+. This show dragged its way across the finish line but it worked for the most part. The first hour was great but after the Bischoff announcement it got down to what made Raw boring in 2002: so-so matches and boring stories with older guys getting pushed to the top. Lesnar wasn’t ready yet but he was coming quickly.

Here’s Vengeance if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2012/07/26/vengeance-2002-the-great-one-is-still-great/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Vengeance 2002
Date: July 21, 2002
Location: Joe Louis Arena, Detriot, Michigan
Attendance: 12,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, Tazz

So at this time, the Brand Split has just happened, although this is still a double branded show. The main feud is Rock vs. Angle vs. Taker. Just glancing at the card, this show more or less sucks. Other than that, there just isn’t much here. Cena’s PPV debut is here if that helps anything at all. Van Dam vs. Lesnar could be ok I guess. Uh yeah let’s just get to this as I’m not sure how it’s going to go.

Should be noted that in April of this year, Orton debuted. In May Batista debuted, and in June, about a month prior to this, Cena debuted. Not bad for a three months period is it?

The opening video is based on a passage from the Bible of all things. Oh I forgot. Bischoff made his WWF debut around this time. Oh sorry. It’s WWE now. Really short though.

Tazz and Cole threatened JR and King and therefore they get to call half of the show due to JR and King not wanting to deal with a pair of idiots like them.

BubbaRayDudley/SpikeDudleyvs. ChrisBenoit/EddieGuerrero

This is an elimination match. Since D-Von got sent to Smackdown and is now a preacher (with a deacon named Batista), Spike and Bubba are more or less the new Dudley Boys. Yeah it didn’t work and at I think Survivor Series they put D-Von and Bubba back together. Eddie’s mullet is insane here. Benoit gets a decent pop. I’ve always liked how Fink said Benoit. Absolutely no reason for these guys fighting has been given yet.

Tazz says the Dudleys have tables all over their yard and porch. That’s kind of an amusing visual. Also, it’s stuff like that that is dead in wrestling today. It’s ridiculous, but it gives their characters a sense of kayfabe realism. Today, they’re just two guys that like putting people through tables. Here, they still have a bit of the crazed hillbillies in them which is what made them awesome in the first place. Benoit was hurt at KOTR 2001 so he’s back full time now.

See, that’s the kind of stuff we need to be told in case we’re not up to date. You know, information like WHY THEY’RE FIGHTING! Later in the fall, Bubba would get to feud with HHH over the world title of all things. To say they were low on ideas at this point is an understatement. With no tables involved yet, Cole is surprised that Benoit and Eddie are controlling this.

In other words, Cole is surprised that Benoit and Eddie are out-wrestling the Dudley Boys. WOW. Taz starts a sentence with “Those of you out there that haven’t been put through a table.” That sums up why I don’t have to make fun of it, even though it was made in a joking manner. HHH decides on Raw or Smackdown tonight. Ok then. Also, four ECW guys in there. But yeah Vince, ECW didn’t have much influence on WWE today. None at all.

Spike runs in for a modified Poetry in Motion that was pretty nice. This has been ALL Radicalz. Yes I know that’s not their name anymore so save your annoying comments. Bubba spears Spike to save him from going through a table. We’re about ten minutes into this and no one is eliminated yet. Spike does a double stomp to the ribs of Benoit from the top rope.

There’s no way that doesn’t hurt no matter how well you get ready for it. Bubba misses his back splash through the table but it doesn’t count since it wasn’t via an offensive move. They’ve been consistent with that so I can buy it. Spike reverses a suplex into a Dudley Dog on Eddie to eliminate him.

They kind of mess up the landing though as Eddie goes ribs first into it and doesn’t hit the ground with his body. Ow I think. Benoit hits a gorilla press on Spike (think about that for a second) and it’s one on one. And Bubba wins it with a Bubba Bomb.

Rati…..BUBBA DUDLEY JUST BEAT CHRIS BENOIT ON PAY PER VIEW??? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT NONSENSE? SPIKE DUDLEY JUST BEAT EDDIE GUERRERO ON PPV??? I MUST HAVE EATEN SOME TAINTED YAK GUTS OR SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!!!

Rating: D+. It was long and had some drama, but in what non-existent universe should the Dudleys beat Eddie and Benoit in ANY kind of match? Someone explain this to me. Also, NO EXPLANATION of why they’re fighting at all. This was just a bizarre fifteen minutes if there ever has been a bizarre fifteen minutes. I’m legit stunned.

Bischoff says he’s here to sign the most ruthless athlete he knows of: HHH. Oh let it begin. He’s going into the Smackdown GM’s office. The Smackdown GM at the moment: Stephanie. I’d love to see HHH trying to get them to compete for his services. Three round competition: karate, lingerie, mud wrestling. Hey, tell me Stephanie wouldn’t look hot in a gi.

CruiserweightTitle: JamieNoblevs. BillyKidman

At this point, the belt means jack. It’s the guy wins title after being on “an impressive roll as of late”, holds it for like three months while never defending it, another guy goes “on an impressive roll as of late” and normally he wins the title. This would be the first major, and I use that term more loosely than Lita after a bottle of Jack, title defense for Noble though, so there’s more or less no way he loses here.

That and I reviewed the match where he did lose it already so yeah this isn’t in any doubt at all. Wow absolutely no one cares here. We get the line about Noble not being your traditional cruiserweight as he uses a ground based attack and isn’t a high flier. Well duh, he’s a heel champion. Has there ever been a high flier that’s a heel? Only an idiot would book that? Kidman goes up top. I wonder if he’s about to GET READY TO FLY.

I really could not be less interested in this. Yet I’m writing a review of it. There’s something extremely wrong with me I think. How in the world did Noble win the ROH Title for a month? Was that like a massive rib or something? Noble messes up Kidman’s shoulder to try to make people care. To be fair, Kidman gets some pops in there.

Oh some guy named Rey Mysterio debuts Thursday. So four months you got Ortn, Cena, Batista and Mysterio. Not bad. Kidman doesn’t tap to an armbar. Kidman goes for an enziguri. It lands on Noble’s back. Wow this is making my head hurt. Shooting Star misses and Noble rolls him up for two. Noble hits a Tiger Bomb to end this.

Rating: D+. Not bad, but seriously, no one really cared. This just filled in about 8 minutes and wasn’t that good at all. More or less a nothing match that went nowhere at all. Not that it was terrible or anything, but no point at all.

Angle says he’ll win tonight but does so in a comedic manner. He makes economy jokes based on Detroit. Wow that’s odd. Heyman and Lesnar interrupt and a rivalry is set up. Lesnar has the title shot at Summerslam. Brock was still the silent killer at the moment. Angle’s character has slowly grown on me over the years. He’s so happy go lucky and joking but he can whip so much ass in the ring that it’s ok.

EuropeanTitle: WilliamRegalvs. JeffHardy

Hardy is champion here for no reason whatsoever. Maybe the reason is he pinned the European Champion in a title match. Ah apparently it was to Hardy on Raw a few weeks back. He cried after losing the title. Cole of course makes fun of him. Jeff gets a big old pop even at this point. The fans can’t stand Regal at all. He always was a good guy for getting heat. Hardy does that dropkick through the middle and bottom ropes that he does but leaves it short.

Hardy messing up a move. Who would have guessed that? Whisper in the Wind doesn’t have a name yet. Oh and Jess is wearing body paint now. Swanton lands on the knees. That must hurt badly. Hardy gets a weird looking rollup from nowhere to retain. Seriously he was getting his head kicked in and then was rolling him up. Nice ending….I think. Regal freaks again afterwards.

Rating: D+. I know I’ve used that a lot here but it’s what comes up. Just a weird match to put it mildly. It was just random with Regal dominating most of the match but losing out of nowhere. The fans popped big for Hardy though so I can’t complain there.

Flair congratulates Hardy. Hogan is here too. These three are in the same company 8 years later and two of them are legends here. See something wrong there? Hogan says he might use a Swanton later. Flair says what he thinks Ross would say. It’s….not that funny. Hogan says he’s worried about Vince appointing Eric and Stephanie as GMs of THEIR company. Flair was still onscreen owner here, so what the heck is Hogan talking about HIS company?

Flair says he’s worried for the young guys. Oh that’s PRICELESS. You hear all of the political stuff coming, and you have to wonder why they have no problem talking about their bosses like this with a camera looking right at them. That’s wrestling though so I can go with it.

JohnCenavs. ChrisJericho

So Cena had debuted like a month before this and had nearly beaten Kurt Angle in a challenge match. Jericho is heel here mind you. Not bad for a debut feud. Jericho couldn’t beat him three days ago so he beat the tar out of him with a chair. Yeah Jericho not being able to beat Cena. I’m stunned too. Cena has generic rock theme #849B here. Oh and he’s from Boston here. Also he’s wearing red shorts with a white stripe up the side. It was a very different time.

He wouldn’t be a rapper for a few months. This is a totally different guy than you’re used to. He’s not that good in the ring, he has NO heat, and I don’t think he has an actual signature or finishing move. Jericho kicks his head off with a spinning heel kick. I love that move. More or less Cena is just trying to survive here. Random note but TNA started about a month before this. Lionsault misses and Cena gets two on a rollup. Jericho getting ticked off is a thing of beauty.

Lionsault hits but he doesn’t cover like an idiot. Cena counters the Walls into a rollup for a quick pin. See what I mean by not having a finisher? And remember, Jericho was main eventing Mania three and a half months earlier.

Rating: C-. TV level match here but this is far more of a signature moment than anything else. Jericho put him over clean here and you can’t ask for much more. This wasn’t bad at all, and given Cena’s experience at this point, there was only so high they could take this. Also, Cena beats Jericho again.

Bischoff and Coach are waiting outside Stephanie’s office where HHH has been for awhile. Her lawyer goes in. I don’t care.

JR and King take over on commentary.

RVD is stretching. So is Lesnar. BUYRATE BABY!

We recap them, which more or less is Lesnar is awesome and beats up everybody he fights. He beat RVD to win KOTR. That’s about it.

IntercontinentalTitle: BrockLesnarvs. RobVanDam

Ok so make that Cena, Orton, Batista, Mysterio and Lesnar in four months. Think this was a good time for the company? Heyman was perfect in this role. Although I do wonder why knowing Heyman’s money history Lesnar would let him handle his contracts. Makes little sense. Van Dam is OVER. Oh yeah he’s the hometown boy here. Brock uses an FU about 4 seconds in and since he’s not John Cena, it does nothing. Yeah Lesnar’s strength is nothing compared to Cena’s.

Van Dam gets some solid shots in on Lesnar that makes things believable at least. Weird to think that both of these guys are world champions today, almost eight years later. Lesnar hits a powerslam on the floor. Freaking OW! Ross thinks Van Dam has the advantage in speed in quickness. My head hurts from announcers at times.

We hit the bear hug with Brock in control. Van Dam cues up his comeback with Heyman’s advice being DON’T LOSE! F5 is countered into a DDT. Five Star connects but Heyman pulls the referee out. Yep, it’s a weak DQ. The referee beats up Heyman for no apparent reason. F5 to RVD post match.

Rating: C+. The key thing here was they had to protect both guys and that’s what they did. Van Dam keeps the title and had Lesnar beat, but Lesnar didn’t get pinned. It’s a nice deal because as they said, Lesnar had nothing at all to lose here. This was fine for what it was.

Let’s waste more time outside Stephanie’s office because it worked so well last time. Stephanie walks out and she’s not happy looking. She says he signed. Ok then. HHH walks out and Bischoff yells at him. Apparently he signed divorce papers. He hasn’t decided on who to sign with yet.

BigShowvs. BookerT

This is no DQ for no apparent reason. Maybe we’ll GET AN EXPLANATION HERE! No count outs either which I would have though was self-explanatory. Ah here’s an explanation. Show beat up Booker on Raw to culminate their feud. SO WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING??? Booker is in blue here which is oddly working for him. Apparently Show wanted the stipulations here. Oh and Show is in his one piece swimsuit again.

He would be the first guy to beat Lesnar. Wow. He’s just big, slow and bad here. We hear WWF here which would be a big issue today. If nothing else Show looks funny, although I don’t think that was their intention. Booker gets a good monitor shot into the head of Show on the floor. We now get one of the most contrived spots I can remember in a long time.

After that monitor shot, Booker gets on the other end of the tables and Show just happens to stay in perfect position for the axe kick. So if he hadn’t stood like that, what would Booker have done instead? That’s what I mean by contrived. We go back in and an axe kick and the Houston Hangover (front flip into a leg drop from the top) gets a clean pin. This was borderline squash.

Rating: D+. Not very good and that awful spot killed it for me. This was just random and it came off badly. Booker went on the hottest streak of his life just after this, culminating in being fed to HHH at Mania 19. This was just a weird one though.

Torrie and Dawn Marie are at The World, the newly named WWF New York. This was pointless.

And here’s HHH. Yeah, after about a month off or so, it’s time to talk about what his career plans are. Oh freaking JOY. Apparently he’s the biggest name in wrestling. Ok then. And we’re into HHH is awesome time now. Ross says he coined the phrase Cerebral Assassin months ago. Yeah that’s why they were using it OVER A YEAR AGO at Mania 17. Before he can talk though, here’s Bischoff. Once his theme song ends, his video keeps playing. Ok then.

Bischoff’s main pitch is he’s all business rather than personal. He offers HHH movie roles etc. He almost calls HHH a WCW Superstar. That was almost funny. He’s getting a shoe deal too. And here’s Stephanie of course. The weak rap/hip hop song for her just fails though. Wow Stephanie trying to be tough always FAILS. Oh yeah, and she cannot talk at all. They were unstoppable apparently.

You know, until they got, you know, stopped. Eric and Stephanie go back and forth for a bit with Stephanie mentioning that Eric once said HHH had no talent or charisma. WOW this is making my head hurt. Now HHH talks for awhile. This is just painfully bad. He sticks his hand out to Eric. He doesn’t shake it. He says he’d rather go with the devil he knows rather than the one he doesn’t. And here’s HBK who just left the NWO. Yeah that was just stupid.

The NWO had more or less been threatening to force HHH to join them on Raw. OH THAT’S RIGHT! Booker and Show were fighting because they were in the NWO together and Shawn said Booker was the reason the team sucked so Big Show started fighting Booker. This era sucked.

The NWO is gone now as they realized the thing was just stupid at this point. Shawn talks him into coming back to Raw. HHH turned heel the next night and beat up Shawn. This is ten minutes I’ll never get back. Gah it’s not over yet. Stephanie and Eric have to talk a bit more.

Rikishi says he’s surprised about HHH. This was pointless.

Booker and Goldust get asked about HHH. Booker says bring him on. Goldust makes a bad sex joke.

We recap the 4th of July tag title change. Edge was a childhood Hulkamaniac so they just randomly won the tag titles. Christian and Lance Storm were the UnAmericans at the time, so the REAL CANADIAN Edge and Hogan defended the country. Yeah it was stupid.

TagTitles: LanceStorm/Christianvs. HulkHogan/Edge

This isn’t going to be fun is it? I think the tag titles went on both brands at the time but I’m not sure. Yeah they did. Ross then explains that Toronto is in Canada. Ok then. It’s also the Hendrix music for Hogan. Yes let’s pay a commercial artist for music when WE OWN THE MOST FAMOUS SONG IN WRESTLING HISTORY! He follows that up by TWICE, yes TWICE saying that Hogan fought Warrior at Mania 3. WOW.

I knew that when I was 4 years old. Hogan vs. Christian starts. That’s a weird thing to see: Hogan fighting a guy that’s young and talented that hasn’t been elevated up yet. Dang how out of place does Hogan look here? If you get another talented guy in there, you could have a pretty interesting tag match. Or like this: Edge vs. Lance Storm. That sounds perfectly entertaining. This however, just isn’t interesting. Also, within about two months, Hogan has won the tag and world titles.

He’s like what, 50 at this point? Is there a reason to give him such title runs here? I can almost guarantee you that Edge will get pinned here if they lose the belts. Naturally Edge is the one getting beaten down. Hogan comes in and Christian goes for that diving reverse DDT of his. Hogan botches the HECK out of it. You know, because it’s such a hard move to take isn’t it? Leg drop to Christian but Storm makes the save.

Hogan doesn’t take the superkick from Storm right either. Edge comes in to clean house while Hogan looks for a pudding pack or something. And there goes the referee. Test runs down to beat up Hogan and Edge. Storm covers Edge for only two. Wow that surprised me. Rikishi of all people comes down to beat up Test. Sure why not?

Christian distracts the referee and JERICHO comes out to nail Edge with a title belt for the ending. Wow it only took four guys to get the belt off of Hogan and he didn’t even get pinned. That might be a new record low for Hogan. Naturally, this title that Hogan was so proud of was never mentioned again and he never went after it again.

Rating: D. Just bad and Hogan looked awful out there. Four guys to get the title off of Hogan. He botches a ton of spots, and he doesn’t even let Storm or Christian get to say they pinned Hogan. Yeah, this is definitely about the young guys. Can’t you see that?

Bischoff tries to get Angle onto Raw. Smart if nothing else.

Stephanie threatens to rip the heart out of Raw. Not sure what she means but she did get the IC Title to Smackdown. Pay no attention to the fact that the belts were unified soon after and we had the idiotic year where there were only world champions. Yeah it was stupid.

We recap the triple threat main event. Rock had a title shot for no apparent reason and there’s the famous Taker taps out while pinning Angle thing. Replays in slow enough motion show Taker tapping before the three hit the mat but whatever. It was a draw but whatever. That actually happened at UFC 34 in a Matt Hughes fight.

He was in a triangle choke and tried to slam the guy into the mat. He did so and won by knockout, but he was out from the choke. Taker suggested doing it to set up this angle. But no Vince, UFC which today is light years ahead of what it was back then has no impact on wrestling at all.

UndisputedTitle: TheRockvs. KurtAnglevs. Undertaker

So Rock is officially an actor now but he’s here for no adequately explained reason. That would come at Summerslam though. It’s your standard triple threat so far with Angle and Rock doing the heavy lifting early on. Taker goes for the chokeslam on Rock but Rock does it to him. In other words he did a Rock Bottom but didn’t go down with him. They show a close up replay and I forgot it was a chokeslam. Rock puts the ankle lock on Angle and Angle hits him with a Rock Bottom.

Taker hits an Angle Slam on Angle as we have a nice little sequence there. That wasn’t bad at all. I love it when Taker grabs a guy by the throat and throws them into the corner to punch the heck out of them. We do the standard one guy goes down and the other two fight for awhile. It does help as you can get three one on ones rather than a threeway so that’s good. Angle is bleeding. Not a bad cut either. He gets beaten back and forth between both guys.

Not bad, but this needs to pick things up a little. Oh look the referee is down and his leg hurts. Oh ok he’s already up again. Angle takes both guys out and covers Taker which is stupid as he was put down first. Taker hits the Last Ride but Angle gets the ankle lock. We use the same finish from Smackdown but now Rock is in the ankle lock. We’re fully into the whole finisher marathon segment here and it’s boring.

Rock Bottom to Taker gets two as Angle is down. Angle Slam to Taker but the Rock Bottom to Angle ends it. Meh. I would have been more interested if I didn’t know the winner beforehand. And I didn’t know because of this being 8 years ago. I knew because of the Rock/Lesnar poster they accidentally released two weeks before Rock won the title.

Rating: B-. Not bad, but DANG the whole nothing but finishers for the last 5 minutes got annoying. Rock jobbing to Lesnar was good and this set that up so I can’t complain much there. Angle was a nice placeholder I guess but this just wasn’t anything special at all. Seeing Taker do an Angle Slam was cool though. Just nothing special at all.

Overall Rating: D+. Nothing special here at all. This was a totally uninteresting show from start to finish with no great matches and 15 minutes going to HHH saying Raw rather than a long match in between. Thankfully this was the end of Hogan’s time around titles but man this was boring. The whole show just came off as uninteresting and like a waste of time. Take a pass here, although the triple threat is watchable.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: June 10, 2002
Location: Phillips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Attendance: 8,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Austin is gone. That’s the main difference between this week and last week, and if you’ve read about the June 3 show, you can see why that’s such a huge deal. Austin was the only main event good guy on this whole show, which is why things should be very interesting here. There’s a new main event tonight with Vince facing Flair for total control of the company, because when the biggest star in the company leaves, it’s time to bring back Vince. Let’s get to it.

Theme song opens us up.

Here’s Flair to open things up. He talks about how he lost clean to Austin last week and he doesn’t like it. However, he lost a fair match so he’s here to take his punishment like a man. Unfortunately, Austin isn’t here, so….here’s Vince instead. Vince says he created Raw about ten years ago and he knows what it takes to be an owner. Flair is about the sorriest owner he’s ever seen in his life. Flair has run this show into the toilet, and despite being a 16 time world champion, he still sucks.

Flair wants to know what Vince proposes we do about it. Vince says that unlike Austin, he has the guts to be here tonight and look Flair in the eyes. He doesn’t have to do this for the money anymore because he’s a billionaire. He can’t stand another day with Flair owning half of what Vince created, so how about tonight, one on one, for everything. As in the winner is the owner of the whole company. Flair calls Vince a Nature Boy wannabe, struts some, and says it’s on.

Earlier today Nash was reading the paper when Pac comes in. They’re outside of the NWO locker room because Shawn wants private time. Big Show comes up needing to get in because he had Mexican food today. Booker comes in and wants to talk to Shawn, but when he can’t get in he sings Shawn’s music. Then he sings a version with Booker themed lyrics instead. This pointless segment has been brought to you by the NWO.

Booker T/X-Pac/Big Show vs. Spike Dudley/Tommy Dreamer/Shawn Stasiak

Booker gets his own entrance for some reason. Pac and Spike start things off with Pac taking him down with a shoulder block that did not connect at all. Spike gets sent into the corner and there’s the Bronco Buster. A headscissors puts Pac down and it’s off to Big Show vs. Stasiak. We cut to the NWO locker room where Shawn and Nash are watching. Nash shuts the door.

The fans want Booker as Dreamer throws a bucket of confetti at Booker ala the Harlem Globetrotters. Everything breaks down and the side kick pins Tommy. Booker was just begging for a big push but it wouldn’t come until January and HHH would make sure that got killed as fast as possible. Such is life in WWE. The match was nothing.

Booker plays to the crowd post match and we get a Spinarooni.

Goldust, dressed as the gold Undercover Brother, comes up to Booker in the back and thinks they’re holding Booker down, because, and I’m not making this up, Shawn Michaels is a racist. Stop, go back, you’re not talented enough. Turn around and abort the angle NOW.

Molly is over getting hit with the title last week. Now she’s mad at Terri for being a fake journalist who is there for her sex appeal. Trish comes up and makes fun of Molly for being somewhat fat. Yes young girls, you need to look like Terri and Trish, as in the blonde surgically augmented rails as opposed to the girls that look normal yet perfectly fine like Molly. If Molly loses the match with Trish tonight, she has to wrestle in a thong. Whatever.

Benoit and Eddie come in to see Flair and question his agreeing to the main event tonight. Flair says it’s ok.

European Title: Bradshaw vs. William Regal

Regal is defending even though Bradshaw is Hardcore Champion at the same time. Regal takes him to the mat so Bradshaw pounds him in the face in the corner. Elbow gets two for Bradshaw. Regal hits the knee to the head for the same and goes all evil with his mean face. He punches Bradshaw in the face so Bradshaw comes back with rights of his own. Regal Cutter gets two and it’s off to a modified camel clutch. Fallaway slam puts Regal down and a DDT gets two. Bradshaw loads up the Clothesline but here’s Christopher Nowitski to distract the referee so Regal can knock Bradshaw out with the knucks to retain.

Rating: D-. I can pretty easily see why this title didn’t last much longer. There was nothing to it other than the ending which I guess sets up Regal and Nowitski as pompous brothers which isn’t something we really needed to see getting time here. Bradshaw in this role was horrible as a singles guy.

Nowitski, who was there as a fan, gets to leave with Regal instead of getting arrested. Replay shows that he threw the knuckles to Regal.

Trish Stratus vs. Molly Holly

Non title here but if Molly wins she gets a title match. If she loses, she has to wrestle in a thong. We replay the segment from earlier to rub in Molly’s lack of looks. Oh there’s going to be a rant on that in a minute. Molly takes over to start and puts Trish down for two. Handspring elbow gets two for Molly as Lawler makes jokes about her hip size. A neckbreaker by Trish puts both chicks down. Stratusfaction is countered and the Molly Go Round gets the pin. Short and bad.

Ok, so my only response to this is screw WWE. Screw their stupid mentality, screw their opinion of women, and screw whoever writes this nonsense. Molly at this point would be 25 years old and Trish would be 26. Molly is a very attractive and curvy woman. She’s also athletic enough to be a WWE Diva, which means she can’t be in that bad of shape. She was in the WWE Swimsuit Magazine and looked fine there too. On the other hand you have Trish Stratus who is a once in a lifetime drop dead gorgeous woman, but she has more plastic in her than a shopaholic’s wallet.

What WWE is telling women is that unless you look like Trish Stratus who has probably had thousands of dollars in plastic surgery done on her, you’re overweight and not worth looking at. You know, because EVERYONE looks like Trish Stratus right? I mean I see at least ten women as hot as her every day.

Trish is indeed gorgeous, but she’s also a fitness model that has spent years sculpting her body to look like that. Not everyone has the genetics to look like she does and what WWE is telling young women here is that if you look like Molly, who looks great, you’re not worth looking at. That’s some dangerous territory to venture into and it’s ridiculous as well. That’s sickening of WWE and I’d bet they didn’t see a thing wrong with it.

Arn Anderson comes up to see Vince and says he thinks Vince is nuts. Vince shoves Arn away. Make sure to run down those WCW guys in their hometown Vince. They might be hurting your dominance of the industry somehow.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Eddie Guerrero

Rob takes him into the corner to start and then it’s down to the mat. Eddie hits him in the face and low bridges Van Dam out to the floor. RVD kicks him down and hits a splash off the apron to put both guys down. Back in and a suplex gets two for RVD. Eddie comes back with some clotheslines and stomps to take over. He hooks a Fujiwara Armbar as Jerry praises the potential injuries. JR tells kids not to listen to this man because CLEARLY WWE is the moral authority right?

A belly to back suplex gets two for Eddie but Rob comes back with a clothesline. He goes up but gets crotched, resulting in a superplex for two for Eddie. Van Dam comes back with a Regal Roll and a middle rope moonsault for two. Split legged moonsault misses and a dropkick gets two for Eddie. Rob reverses a rana into a pinfall reversal sequence and the timing is awful but it results in Van Dam getting the pin

Rating: C. Good match up until the ending, but the problem here is that they had a great match on Raw two weeks ago and now they’re not really trying anymore. Van Dam would go on to the finals of the tournament while Eddie would kind of do nothing for awhile. This wasn’t a bad match or anything but it was nothing great.

Undertaker gets here.

The NWO has nothing to say.

Here’s Undertaker for a chat. He has someone hold up the title during his promo whichis a pretty good jerk move. Taker says he wants respect, which HHH didn’t give him. HHH got beaten down for that lack of respect and he’ll lose at King of the Ring too. Now Jeff Hardy is disrespecting him too and that’s not cool.

Taker wants Jeff to come out here right now and take his punishment like a man but instead it’s Matt with a ladder. Jeff jumps Taker from behind and the Hardys get a double beatdown for a bit. That gets them nowhere as Taker destroys them both, only to have the Last Ride broken up. The Hardys bring in the ladder and Jeff dives on Taker. Somehow this took eleven minutes.

Regal and Nowitski are leaving when Jeff Hardy runs in, yells at the camera and steals an SUV.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Bubba Ray Dudley vs. Brock Lesnar

Brock sends him into the corner to start but Bubba comes back with a neckbreaker. Bubba goes for a table but stops to chase Heyman, allowing Brock to hit a BIG overhead belly to belly to take over. There’s a bearhug followed by another suplex for two. Brock charges into a post and gets caught in a release German to put both guys down. There’s the Flip Flop and Fly followed by another German for two. The middle rope backsplash gets two but Bubba has to chase Heyman. Bubba runs into the F5 for the pin to send Brock to the next round.

Rating: D+. Not much here but Brock was in need of ring time more than anything else at this point. For the life of me I don’t get what people saw in Bubba Ray back then as he was nothing special at all, at least not as the generic guy he was here. There was nothing of note here at all but it got the job done I guess.

We recap the challenge from Vince from earlier.

Heyman comes to Vince and offers Lesnar as help after Vince gets full control.

We get a clip from WWE Confidential of Rock saying he’s coming back.

Here’s Shawn who also has his own music other than the NWO theme. Shawn calls it the WWF and says back in his day, they had it all, from garbage men to clowns. The one real thing though was him. Oh this is going to be GOOD. Then the fans and Vince decided that Shawn’s back was broken and maybe it was time for Attitude. Shawn says he was Attitude before it was a catchphrase.

Then the company got behind Austin and he stole Shawn’s spotlight. But Shawn isn’t blaming Austin you see. It was the fans that ran to Austin like a prostitute runs to a millionaire. So why is he here? It’s not to wrestle because he already made that mistake once. One man has stood by him forever, and that’s Kevin Nash. Here’s the rest of the NWO and Shawn says he’s proud of Nash for getting to be such a big deal.

Shawn says he’s seen something that is standing out. Big Show stands out but that’s not the problem. Maybe they’re not focused, which brings him to X-Pac. That’s not it either as Pac is the most talented guy in wrestling today. And there’s a superkick for Booker to kick him off the team and FINALLY make him a face. Booker has been trying to steal the spotlight, “Just like The Rock is stealing it from Hunter” and now no one is doing that again.

Vince McMahon vs. Ric Flair

No holds barred. No robe for Flair for some reason. They start on the floor and Vince wins a slugout. They go into the crowd with Flair in control. Back into the ring and Vince slams him down for no cover. Instead he goes out and gets the bell which goes upside Flair’s head. Ric is busted open and they head back to the floor. Vince rams his head into the steps a few times and they head back inside. A bunch of punches and a clothesline gets two.

Vince kicks him low for another two as JR talks about the bruising of Space Mountain. There’s a chair but Flair kicks Vince in the face instead. A chair shot to Vince’s back puts him down again and it’s time to go for the knee. Here’s Arn to watch as Vince gets hit in the grapefruits. The Figure Four goes on but Brock comes in with the F5 to give Vicne full control.

Rating: D. This was pretty bad. A lot of the spots were missing and the Vince offense was awful. Granted that probably had a lot to do with him not being a wrestler or anything, but that’s never stopped him before. The ending was pretty weak too, making the match bad overall. At least it wasn’t that long I guess.

JR sums things up by saying that Satan is back in business.

Overall Rating: D. The funk continues to the point where I think we can flat out call this a bad show overall. Not this week’s mind you, but on a regular basis. Nothing was particularly good here and I defy you to tell me what the long term goal for any of this is. Shawn coming back helped them more than anything as it gave them something to focus on. Bad show here.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: June 3, 2002
Location: American Airlines Center, Dallas, Texas
Attendance: 7,800
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

This is a request for a reason that I can’t remember at all. I also got a request to do the following week’s show so I’ll be doing both in a row. This is right around the time when Austin bailed on the company and I don’t think he would be there next week for Raw. Actually I would be at a house show they were having the Saturday after this so this show has a bit of personal history for me. Let’s get to it.

Flair is in the back with Guerrero, Benoit and Andreson. Ric says they’re ready for Austin and everyone but Anderson goes to the ring, along with about 15 security guards.

Theme song hits.

Kevin Nash has a major announcement to make later tonight.

Here’s Flair along with Benoit and Eddie to open things up. Benoit is from Smackdown but he’s here anyway. Flair says he loves when a plan comes together and we get a clip from last week with Benoit turning heel and helping Eddie beat up Austin. Benoit says last week was a special appearance to see Austin. He says he can’t wrestle tonight because of Austin injuring him at King of the Ring. Austin took away Benoit’s dream of being WWE Champion last year. He’s run out of patience so the punishment begins tonight.

Eddie says last week he had his IC Title stolen from him by Rob Van Dam. It’s made him feel like less of a man and he thinks he’s losing his Latinoism. The Frog Splash to Austin made him feel a lot better and more hot blooded. Flair says Eddie is cool, which kind of defeats the point of what he just said doesn’t it? Ric says Austin won’t be wrestling tonight because he’s been benched. If Austin doesn’t like that, he can talk to Arn Anderson.

Anderson pops up on screen with Austin shaking his arms and talking for him like a puppet. Austin says he just beat up the Enforcer and he doesn’t like being benched. Tonight it’s him vs. Benoit or Guerrero or else. Flair says Austin doesn’t call the shots. Since Eddie is already in a match and Benoit isn’t medically cleared tonight, Austin gets no match. Austin asks for Flair instead, and if Austin wins he’s off the bench.

Flair says it’s on, but it’s going to be a WRESTLING match, just like in the old days. If Austin loses, he’s on the bench forever. Austin wants to know why Flair is called the Nature Boy. Does he like nature? Does he like boys? Austin stomps on Anderson instead of waiting for an answer before relieving himself on Anderson, which looks like mustard.

Hardcore Title: Steven Richards vs. Bradshaw

Steven is defending and this is joined in progress for some reason. Bradshaw quickly takes him down and hits him with a cowbell. Jackie is defending for whatever annoying reason she probably shouted about. Richards gets pumphandle slammed and tied up. Bradshaw finds a saddle and bullhorns under the ring but Steven hits him with a trashcan lid. The fallaway slam puts Richards down and Spike Dudley runs in. That goes nowhere as the Clothesline gives Bradshaw the title. This was nothing.

Justin Credible comes in post match and gets beaten up just as quickly. Crash comes out and gets the same treatment.

The NWO (Nash, Pac, Big Show and Booker) are arguing but Nash won’t say what the announcement is. Goldust comes in and imitates Coach, asking about the announcement. He thinks that he might be joining the team soon and Booker thinks it’s a good idea. He suggests that if Goldust can beat Pac tonight he gets Pac’s spot. Nash says ok.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Goldust vs. X-Pac

On top of getting into the tournament, the winner gets to be in the NWO. Goldust hits an atomic drop and a lariat for two followed by guillotining Pac on the top rope. Pac comes back with the spinwheel kick for two. Goldust gets his fake beard ripped off for some reason and Pac kicks him in the corner. The Bronco Buster misses and Goldie pounds away in the corner. Goldust hits a Bronco Buster of his own but an attempt at a second hits a boot and the X-Factor keeps Pac on the team.

Rating: D. This was nothing at all here with an angle being thrown together five minutes ago, because getting into a tournament on PPV isn’t important enough right? Goldust was a hilarious character around this point and they needed to get him with Booker soon enough so that the comedy duo could hit as well as it did. The match was nothing at all though.

Video package on RVD vs. Eddie in a ladder match last week where Van Dam got the IC Title back.

Van Dam says he’d do everything again to get the title back. Heyman and Brock come up to make fun of him. They’re in a tag match later. Heyman says that since he dumped Rob, he’s gotten Brock to replace him.

Jeff is playing guitar in the back when Matt comes up to see him. Jeff wants to know what else there is to life. He doesn’t think the Hardys are extreme or live for the moment anymore. He hands Matt the guitar and leaves.

Flair wants more stipulations in the main event tonight. If Flair wins, Austin is Flair’s new personal assistant. Also if Austin throws a single punch, it’s over. Austin comes in and signs the contract without reading it.

Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Terri

They’re both in lingerie. Trish is Women’s Champion due to reasons of common sense. Why would Terri get a title match anyway? Terri attacks to start and hits a top rope cross body for two. Trish charges into a boot and has her powerbomb countered. This is all for the sex spots of course. A bulldog (not springboard variety yet) FINALLY ends this. It was barely two minutes long but it felt like two hours.

Molly runs out post match and punches the belt by mistake, only to get laid out by a belt shot. Trish takes off her panties to reveal a thong.

Arn Anderson (thankfully in a fresh shirt) goes on a rant to Benoit. Flair will win tonight and Austin is going to be cleaning toilets.

Brock Lesnar/Eddie Guerrero vs. Bubba Ray Dudley/Rob Van Dam

These were both singles matches last week so there’s your backstory. Eddie and Van Dam start things off which is probably the best possible combination. Scratch that as it’s Brock before any contact. Make that Bubba vs. Brock for the first contact. Eddie runs in for a double beating which is allowed because RVD is being put out in the corner. Eddie stomps Bubba down in the corner but walks into the big side slam for two.

Back to Brock who throws Bubba around like a monster throwing around a fat boy. Bubba grabs a DDT for two and it’s back to Rob. Van Dam fires off a kick but gets caught in a backbreaker and powerslam for two. Eddie comes in and things speed way up in a hurry. A spinwheel kick puts Guerrero down and there’s the tag back to Bubba. He pounds away with left hands and the elbow.

Brock tries to come in but gets suplexed out of his shoes by Bubba. Now there’s something I didn’t think I’d see. Bubba gets a table but Eddie dropkicks it into Ray’s face. It’s back to Eddie vs. Bubba in the ring but Guerrero can’t suplex him. Ok maybe he can and it’s followed by a slingshot hilo into a neckbreaker because Bubba sat up instead of laying down. Back to Lesnar who slugs Bubba down but walks into a Bubba Bomb.

Hot tag brings in RVD who hits his usual hot tag stuff on Eddie. Rolling Thunder gets two and everything breaks down. Brock comes in and runs over everything but Van Dam kicks him down. Heyman breaks up the Five Star and the F5 takes Van Dam down so that the Frog Splash can pin Rob.

Rating: C. Not bad here for the main event style tag match with the midcard talent (and NO commercials either) as everyone had at least a small chance to show off, which is a good thing. Brock would get a lot better, which is why it’s a good idea to put someone like Eddie in there to help him get through a match. This was pretty easily the best part of the show so far.

Regal doesn’t like what Trish did to Molly. He says he should be King of the Ring because he’s British, so Booker comes in to talk about the Revolutionary War. We need Rock to make Thomas Jefferson jokes.

We recap the Tough Enough 2 finale, which was a big surprise because it was never mentioned that the one male/one female winner rule was eliminated for this season.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Booker T vs. William Regal

Regal is European Champion and Booker is NWO despite being very popular. Regal takes it to the mat as you would expect him to. Booker pops back up and elbows him to the floor which goes nowhere. Back in the ring Regal hits a knee to the head but gets kicked back down. Booker hits the ax kick but Regal goes to the floor and grabs the belt and a chair. The referee puts the chair out which allows Booker to hit him with the belt for the pin.

Rating: D+. This is the night of the million meh’s so far as this was another uninteresting match with a stupid ending. When the longest match of the night so far has gotten about nine minutes, it means that we either have a long main event or a long segment left in the show. This was nothing though.

Booker does a Spinarooni post match.

Dreamer watches a clip from Smackdown where Undertaker beat up HHH and vomits as a result. See why no one talks about this period from the show’s history?

Undertaker vs. Tommy Dreamer

Taker is world champion and Dreamer eats his own vomit. This is disgusting and embarrassing to me as a wrestling fan. Dreamer jumps him and knocks him to the floor but Taker powerslams him off the apron. Guess what comes out of Dreamer’s mouth on the landing. Chokeslam and dragon sleeper end this. Good freaking grief.

Taker “slops” Dreamer post match until Jeff Hardy dropkicks Taker into the puddle. Yes, this is how they set up the feud.

Taker beats up Matt in the back since he can’t find Jeff.

Here’s Nash for the big announcement. He keeps it short and says that Shawn Michaels is the newest member of the NWO. They pose together but nothing is said. I guess the main event is long then.

Austin is getting ready with Debra. She finds out that the contract says if Austin wins, Flair is his personal assistant as well. This intrigues the Rattlesnake.

Ric Flair vs. Steve Austin

This was (depending on who you believe) supposed to be the main event of Starrcade 1994 but Hogan decided that Hogan vs. Beefcake was the real best option and that there was no use for Austin in black trunks. You remember Austin back in WCW. He was the guy that was starting to swear a lot and show a complete lack of respect for the veterans and old stars. Hulk Hogan: brilliance.

The loser is the winner’s personal assistant and if Austin throws a punch he’s disqualified. There’s something hilarious about them having to hype up the main event as a wrestling match like it’s a brand new innovative concept. They go to the mat to start and Austin pulls his fist back but the referee stops him. Flair says WOO so Austin flips him off. Austin takes him down and hooks a half crab.

After that’s broken they head into the corner where Austin pulls back his hand but chops Flair instead. Austin hits the Thesz Press but chokes instead. A clothesline gets two for Austin. Here comes Benoit just as Austin gets the Stunner but there’s no one to count. Eddie comes in from behind and hits Austin low, followed by a Frog Splash which gets no cover because Flair is still down.

We take a break and come back with Flair poking Austin in the eye to take over again. Out to the floor with Flair chopping away and getting chopped right back for his troubles. Austin backdrops him on the floor and we head back inside. Flair begs off so Austin chops his chest off. Austin goes for a punch but the referee stops him, allowing Flair to use an illegal punch, which sends Austin flying for some reason.

They chop it out as Flair seems almost hesitant to go after the knee. Naturally just as I say that the Figure Four goes on. Austin reverses it but Flair makes a quick rope. They chop it out and then collide to put both guys down. Flair goes up and you know how that ends with him. Austin stomps a mudhole but Flair grabs a small package for two. They chop it out some more and there’s a Stunner out of nowhere for the pin. It’s as random as it sounds.

Rating: B. See, sometimes it’s ok to not throw a single punch. The stipulations after the match are really stupid but the match to get there was quite good. This would be Austin’s last hurrah for about eight months though, as he would bail on the company about six days after this, due to the show being as stupid as it was, which is pretty true for the most part.

Austin beats up Flair a bit more to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. This was a pretty terrible show save for the main event and a decent tag match. The rest of this though was TERRIBLE, with some flat out disgusting moments that went nowhere at all. Austin bailed sometime between Saturday and Monday and honestly….can you blame him? Earlier today we saw him urinate on Arn Anderson and we saw Tommy Dreamer, Undertaker and Jeff Hardy involved with a bucket of vomit. Also, who is the second biggest face on Raw? RVD? I guess so and that’s ok for the most part, but does that make the third biggest Bubba Ray Dudley?

The show was in such a total mess around this point and that wouldn’t be corrected for the better part of two years until we got to Benoit and Guerrero as champions and even they were basically a six month stop gap until Cena and Batista (more Batista at first) really came along to help them get things back to normal. Austin leaving didn’t send them into a tailspin. It just took away the only safety mechanism they had left, and that’s ok by me.

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