Royal Rumble 1989
Date: January 15, 1989
Location: The Summit, Houston, Texas
Attendance: 19,000
Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon, Jesse Ventura

We have arrived at Pay Per View for this one and just looking at the card you can tell things are…about the same actually. Again there are just four matches and a segment, although this one is an improvement. The matches not called the Rumble aren’t exactly jumping off the page at me, but looking at a few names in the Rumble it’s a massive improvement with guys like Hogan, Savage, Andre, and DiBiase in it.

The segment is also better as it’s a posedown between Ultimate Warrior and Rick Rude who were kind of feuding at the time. You can just tell that the show has a much higher production value and has had more time put into it which likely will mean a much better product. Granted that’s just on paper.

I wonder how the show itself would turn out. I wish there was a way I could find out. Oh. I guess I could just watch it. I think I’ll do that, and I might as well write about it too, so why don’t you come along? If I get hungry I can always eat your leg.

Our opening video is Vince listing off all of the participants in the match. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not because it keeps surprises from occurring which is one of the highlights of the match. I get what they’re going for here but at the same time it’s just a bit odd.

Jesse’s shirt has a big shark on it. That’s most odd. He and Gorilla run down the card and we’re ready to go.

A bunch of guys take WAY too long to say they’ll win.

Dino Bravo/Rougeaus vs. Hart Foundation/Jim Duggan

What is with the Rumble and 2/3 fall matches? This makes three in two years. Isn’t that a bit of overkill guys? This is really just about two feuds being lumped into one match which is fine. They say it’s international rules to justify the 2/3 falls which is fine, but the choice is just odd indeed. It’s not necessarily good or bad but just odd. The heels have Frenchie Martin and Jimmy Hart with them.

Monsoon says that the 2×4 is a mascot and not a foreign object. That’s just odd indeed. The Harts do this weird thing of taking Bret’s glasses off and make it a spectacle. I don’t remember them doing that ever before. We start with power vs. power in Bravo vs. Neidhart. They reference the weightlifting thing from last year which makes me want to rip my hair out. The USA chant goes up for an American and two Canadians (Neidhart has dual citizenship).

They’re going really slowly here and I’m not sure if I like that. They talk about Bret’s awesome in ring ability which is completely true. It’s good to know that they saw the talent that far back. Bret then takes the side suplex from Bravo and the elevated seated senton from the Rougeaus (both of their finishers) to make it 1-0 for the heels. Bret has to start the next fall as we are LIVE IN HOUSTON!

Gorilla once again botches the use of the term literally as no one is hanging from the rafters. I don’t know why but I will never stop marking out for the jumping reverse elbow from anyone. That move is just awesome. Once again Bravo does his stupid little dance before he makes a tag. I’ve never gotten what the deal was with that. Bret is still in there by the way. Again, it never ceases to amaze me when fans chant USA for two Canadian wrestlers.

Monsoon tries to cover for them by saying it’s for Duggan, but why chant for him when he’s not even in the match at the moment? Either way it’s just stupid. We hit a rest hold with Bret getting beaten on even more than usual in this match. Not sure why he’s been in there so long but it’s probably the best thing they could do. The Rougeaus do a switch and for the life of me I don’t get how people couldn’t tell them apart.

They look nothing alike. The abdominal stretch is hooked and Gorilla complains. Good thing that some things never change. FINALLY Bret tags out and Duggan is in. After a lot of double teaming Duggan pins one of the Rougeaus to tie us up at one. For some reason Hacksaw is over and by far and away the biggest star in this match. I don’t get that and never will.

The heels take over for a very short time as Bravo idiotically (at least he’s living up to his reputation) tries to ram Duggan’s head into the turnbuckle. The face comeback lasts all of a second though as Duggan is beaten on even more. After the luke warm tag to Bret, we have a big thing of calamity and Duggan pops Bravo with the board to let Bret pin him. I love faces getting away with everything they want to.

Rating: C+. Nothing bad at all here, but I just don’t get the 2/3 falls aspect. I mean really, why do that? Do these six guys need an extra ten minutes or so? I get that there’s a lot of time to fill and a ton of the roster is taken, but I don’t get it. To be fair though, the match was fine and there’s nothing to complain about from an in ring perspective. It wasn’t anything great but perfectly fine.

We see some people picking their numbers.

DiBiase doesn’t like his number but pulls in Slick and offers him a deal.

Luke and Butch both get theirs and trade them.

Honky hates his.

Bad News likes his.

Demolition and Jake are indifferent.

The Rockers wish each other good luck.

Super Posedown

This is more or less a body contest between Warrior and Rude. Well that’s more interesting than Bravo’s weightlifting I suppose. Warrior is IC Champion here. Monsoon says Warrior is pumped up all the time. Make your own steroids joke. Rude is rocking the mustache here. The first pose is the double bicep. Popular support wins this so take a guess as to who is going to win. This is really quite boring.

Jesse and Heenan try to make this seem legit which is helping things out a lot. We move to the abdominal pose for which Heenan has to oil up Rude. That’s just creepy to an extent. The third is just called most muscular. If nothing else they’re keeping this moving fast. That’s the best part about it unlike last year when it took 20 minutes. Also, this is actually in the ring. We go through the third pose and still no one cares. The fourth is a medley which takes up even more time.

Was there supposed to be a point to this? In a shocking development, Rude jumps Warrior and beats the tar out of him with an exercise bar. That was the whole point of this thing and it took too long. Again though, it was far better than the weightlifting thing last year. Warrior gets up and destroys all of the referees and suits that try to help him up and chases after Rude. This was all to set up Rude vs. Warrior at Mania.

Women’s Title: Rockin Robin vs. Judy Martin

Robin was this random chick they put the belt on and since she was the epitome of the bathroom break match, they kept the belt on her for over a year. It was retired in 1990 because no one cared and remained that way until Alundra Blayze came along and held it for about a year, then after about another year of various feuds and champions it was dropped (into the trashcan on Nitro) and didn’t come back until the Sable era.

She was just flat out boring, plain and simple, yet of course Vince stuck with her because no one really gave cared about women’s wrestling anyway and it was based on wrestling rather than athleticism or looks. Sherri, the woman that Robin took the title from, challenges the winner for a title shot. She wouldn’t win. Just after the start of the match she jumps on commentary. There’s something that even the commentators aren’t sure about but they think it was a DDT.

Again I want to know what the point of hooking the head on a slam is. I don’t recall any man other than Earthquake doing that. Sherri sounds like Michelangelo from TMNT 2. This is really short and a relief that Wikipedia has an error. They claim this is about sixteen minutes when it barely breaks five.

I thought this might have been clipped but I can’t find a single instance where it goes sixteen, so we’ll say that’s an error, which is a relief. Robin wins with a second rope cross body after faking one then getting the second. Robin’s music is really annoying.

Rating: C. I have to go with average here because other than the ending I don’t remember anything about this match. I know that doesn’t sound good, but the time in this match and everything in it are complete blanks to me. Nothing at all of note happened in it other than the ending, which was kind of cool as the fake out isn’t something that you see that often. I think I get why the division was dropped in about a year.

Sean Mooney is with Slick and the Twin Towers, Akeem and Big Boss Man. Akeem might be the funniest character in wrestling history. Slick denies the deal with DiBiase from earlier. Sean shows the footage of them talking about a deal earlier, which Slick tries to play off as something about a shoe shine. That was just odd.

Harley Race vs. Haku

A few notes about this match: first of all, it wasn’t on the home video release at first so quite a few of you have likely never seen it. It’s only been released on the Rumble Anthologies and the original broadcast plus online. Second, this is a one night only return for Race who got really badly hurt against Hogan and had to drop the crown. Haku took it but never beat Race, so Race is back to take his crown.

Before the match, Jesse is sitting on the throne and says he likes it. Thanks for that Jess. I’ve actually never seen this match all the way through so these will be my legit first thoughts on seeing this in its entirety. When I say not all the way through, I mean I’ve seen a few stills of it and never any actual video so here we go. Heenan manages both guys so he’s set no matter what. I’ve always liked the throne entrance the king got, but DANG that jobber needs a shirt.

He must weigh about 320 and he’s in just regular tights. That’s not right. Both guys come out to the same music and in a funny bit, Race is introduced as “The Former King, Harley Race!” That just sounds funny. Race, the king of the heels, jumps Haku early. Both guys have the regal purple on which is amusing as well. I think Race is somehow the face here, which just makes me feel dirty.

The tattoos on Race always looked odd to me as he seems too clean for them I guess you would say. This was a very rare thing here as we have heel vs. heel with Race being the less heelish guy. Race is just old here and is being asked to carry this because he’s the only one of the two that knows how to work a good match. Jesse says that he has to give the experience advantage to Race. Well DUH Jess. How can it be something that’s debatable?

One guy has wrestled longer than the other. It’s not really subjective. The fans are cheering Harley. This just isn’t right. They do one of the all time worst collision spots with Race going to the floor. It looked like they were in slow motion on that one. Heenan is his usual masterful self cheering for both guys at various times. This is called the Battle For the Crown because this is a match that was dying for extra billing.

Speaking of dying, Gorilla tries to say that the crowd is hushed in anticipation for the Rumble. You have to give it to Gorilla: he never gave up. Race gets a bad piledriver on the floor as it seems like this is in slow motion again. They’re just both so slow that it’s almost painful to watch. Race simply had no business being in a ring at this point and it wasn’t even his fault. He was just old and injured which certainly isn’t something you can pin on him.

He was broke due to a bad business thing (that wasn’t his fault) in Kansas City so he had to keep wrestling to pay the bills. He was good for stuff like this: putting over guys that can’t wrestle well enough on their own. I love how you can have a guy do some chops at an angle and all of a sudden he’s a martial arts master. Goodness that was a lot of A’s in a row. After Race dominates for a bit, he misses a punch and gets caught by what we would call Sweet Chin Music to get pinned.

Rating: C-. I feel sorry here because the wrestling and the in ring stuff isn’t actually that bad at all. The problem is that it feels like this is in slow motion like I’ve said a few times. That’s really the best way to put it. Race was just so old out there that I’m very glad he went to WCW and became a manager which was what he was far better suited for at this point.

He just was too old here and it was showing bad. Haku was someone that had to be carried and this was his night to be put over and while he wasn’t bad, he certainly wasn’t good. The match was bad but the wrestling was ok if that makes any sense at all.

More people say they’ll win.

Gene talks to Rude and Heenan about the pose down where Rude says he won. They bail quickly, I’m assuming afraid of the Warrior.

Royal Rumble

I’ll spare you from another rule explanation because I’m sure you know it and I already listed them off once. This year they point out the everyman for themselves rule though, which is a change from last year. That opens a big door though as it implies face vs. face and heel vs. heel. Number one is Ax of Demolition. The interval is set at two minutes again and this year they actually make it possible as the match goes over an hour, so sit back because this is going to be a long review.

Actually don’t sit back because you might not be able to see the screen. Sit in the middle I guess. Number two is Smash, so we have Demolition going at it to start us off. I love how random of a thing this is, and it’s happened at least one other time that I remember with the Steiners I think, and then the Hardys came in at 1 and 3 in 2001. They’re the tag team champions here, in the middle of their epic year and a half or so run.

To their credit they beat on each other. It just doesn’t look right though. This is like Bubba and D-Von fighting. They’re just not good at fighting on their own. There’s something about seeing partners fight that just doesn’t work. Matt and Jeff were complete failures in their feud, and I think a lot of it is people would rather have them be partners rather than opponents. They just didn’t click as opponents and that’s a shame.

Andre comes in at three and this is an historic moment, as Demolition immediately beat him to the ground with what looks like ease. Andre looks like Rey Mysterio getting beaten on like this which is something you’ll never hear again. Mr. Perfect is 4 which sucks because I wanted more Andre vs. Demolition. Think about this for a minute. Demolition did in about ten seconds what it took Hogan fifteen minutes to do. That’s insane.

No wonder those three plus Jake were the best Survivor Series team of all time. All three of them go after the Giant and Andre just shoves Smash out after Perfect distracts him a bit. Perfect is a very young guy here in the company and is rocking just regular tights. Being the Rhodes scholar that Axe is he goes after Perfect and gets beaten up by Andre for his trouble. Number five is the best possible advertisement for murdering something I’ve ever seen: Ronnie Garvin.

He is easily the most worthless wrestler this side of the Junkyard dog in wrestling history. How in the world did they ever decide to put him over RIC FLAIR for the world title? I just do not get that and never will. Everyone goes after Andre but he just sits on Axe, literally. Greg Valentine is in at six, hopefully willing to use a hammer to crush the cockroach known as Garvin.

We have four against one here with literally everyone that’s been in the match so far attacking Andre. Gorilla calls everyone that’s beating on Andre a star. That’s just amusing. ANDRE GETS RID OF GARVIN!!! I officially love this man. Get him a cow and a vineyard of wine right now!

Jake Roberts is seventh to a huge pop. He was probably the second third biggest face at the time as Warrior wasn’t quite there yet and Hogan and Savage were untouchable. Andre just chokes the life out of Jake in the corner which is sweet. That’s what I love about Andre: after being quadruple teamed he just grabs someone and chokes them. There’s something completely awesome about that.

He beats anyone that tries to stop him from beating on Jake. That’s just sweet. He’s protecting Jake so he can have the honor of hurting him. Ron Bass is here now as we get closer to reaching our jobber quota. Just after Bass comes in Andre throws Jake out. Bass is freshly bald thanks to a bad comedy angle with Beefcake. Andre is the white elephant in there at the moment as it’s really just about trying to get him out with various incredibly short term alliances.

That right there is why there needs to be at least one giant in every battle royal. They offer the main source of a story in one of these, because traditionally these matches are void of any kind of a story because it’s a complete free for all, which is fine because that’s the point.

Having someone like Andre in there for about fifteen to twenty minutes gives you a way to have something running through a large part of the match and hold it together, which is the main weakness of all battle royals not known as the Royal Rumble. The next guy in is HBK, who at this time is next to nothing. Perfect throws Axe out.

Shawn and Perfect go at it in what would eventually be one of the most overhyped feuds in wrestling history as the build was awesome but the match kind of sucked, which to be fair was what likely was inevitable. Perfect shows off his brains early by staying in after going over the top. Andre keeps choking people as that was the essence of his offense around this time. I really miss the old school stone looking Rumble logo. The thing was just cool looking.

Jesse says if he were in there he’d go to a neutral corner. Gorilla says if Jesse were in there he’d be out of there. And people wonder why Monsoon got some strange looks at times. After about a minute and a half of waiting, Butch of the Bushwackers gets us into double digits. As he’s coming to the ring, Jake runs back out with Damien and Andre eliminates himself. That’s a smart way to keep the feud hot, keep Andre looking credible and get rid of him to keep the match going.

The five jobbers lumber around the ring for a bit because there’s no big name in there for them to do anything with, which is the issue with a lot of these things. The timing is getting shorter and shorter here as Honky comes in at 11. Honky had recently lost the IC belt and was in desperate need of a reason to keep his job. He was worthless without the title so until they put him in Rhythm and Blues there was little for him to do.

Of the six guys in there, Shawn is the only face according to Gorilla in some slightly different words. Oh Butch is there too. Yep, Shawn is the only face in there worth anything. Tito balances things out a bit at 12 to a solid pop. I don’t get why he never got another big push. He was still great in the ring and was getting big reactions, but of course he was made a jobber to the stars for guys like Barbarian and Warlord.

Gorilla and Jesse discuss some theory about what is considered a good number as not a lot is going on at the moment. To be fair though the crowd is staying hot so there we are. Bad News comes in at 13 as he should have been a far bigger star than he was. Brown vs. Hogan could have been awesome if they had some guts and did it right. Honky is eliminated pretty fast to a decent pop. That’s a good sign if nothing else: he’s still getting reactions.

This has really slowed down a lot and we need some big names to come in and clear out some of these jobbers. Naturally the next guy in is Marty Jannetty, so if nothing else we have a tag team in there now. A double dropkick that was NOT stolen from the Rock N Roll Express (really, we promise we’ve never heard of those guys that we stole half our name from. Honest) takes out Bass to get us back down to seven people. I think Tito’s knee is hurt.

Thankfully Savage, the WWF Champion and on the brink of a heel turn for the ages, comes in to get the crowd WAY into this. He freaking mugs Bad News who he was having a short but very intense feud with. Arn Anderson comes out next as Savage knocks out Valentine. In the epitome of an IWC wet dream team, Anderson and Savage team up to eliminate Shawn. Dang that was just flat out odd to type. Tully Blanchard is in at 17 as this is slowing down again.

The Brainbusters beat the tar out of Jannetty and prove why they’re awesome. They dump him and heeeeeeere’s Hulk at possibly his lowest number ever: 18. I would have loved to have this be a legit draw and see him get like 4. Let’s see, how many people does Hogan get rid of to make him look like Superman. Perfect is the first victim as Hogan saves his handshake buddy Savage from him. He beats up the Brainbusters but doesn’t eliminate them, which allows them to get rid of Tito.

Since it’s gotten a bit crazy, for a recap we have Butch, Hogan, Anderson, Savage, Brown and Blanchard in at the moment. Amazingly, Butch has been in there about fifteen minutes which has to be his biggest accomplishment in the WWF. That’s actually quite surprising. At 19 we have the other Marching Moron who licked me at a house show once. Brown puts out Butch to keep us at six guys.

Anderson beats on Hogan which makes me flash back to Nitro just before the NWO showed up. Anderson beat him two weeks straight on Nitro which was a series I always liked. It gave Arn the spotlight that he never really got and definitely was qualified to have. In at 20 is the Hall of Famer Koko B. Ware. That just flat out doesn’t work no matter how many times you write it. How in the world is that thing in the HOF but Savage isn’t?

I don’t care how many times he had Stephanie, enshrine him already! Hogan dumps Koko to a pop. Even the fans didn’t like him. There goes Luke and Hogan’s total is at I think three. With three clotheslines inside of 30 seconds he adds both Brainbusters and the Warlord who sets the shortness record at 2 seconds. He stepped in and got a running clothesline to put him out.

To get the record to eight, Hogan runs over and puts out Brown and Savage, the later being by mistake. This would be a major point in the heel turn in about two weeks. Savage is TICKED! Liz comes down to try to straighten things out as Savage offers the handshake to fix things for now. Savage and Liz leave as Boss Man gets in.

He’s about 100lbs heavier than his traditional weight. This began another Rumble tradition of the one on one showdown. These two had been the big feud for a good while and the showdown hadn’t really come yet so this was a pretty big deal. Not surprisingly Boss Man takes over and Gorilla defends Hogan with the somewhat legitimate argument that Boss Man is fresh.

Hogan takes a decent piledriver and eventually gets back to even as the buzzer rings about three and a half minutes after Boss Man came out. And in a SHOCKING, yes SHOCKING I say, turn of events, it’s Boss Man’s partner Akeem. Now here’s something amusing to me where the bias towards the main event is as evident as ever.

Gorilla starts whining and complaining about how DiBiase must have had something to do with this because there’s no way that tag partners could have consecutive numbers and wind up in this position against Hogan. He’s completely backwards there. First of all, this is the third time in this Rumble where partners have come in back to back (Rockers and Brainbusters, which more or less gives away that this isn’t a random draw).

On top of that, how could DiBiase have known that Hogan would have been in there at this moment all by himself? If nothing else, this would prove that DiBiase had nothing to do with it as there is no reason for him to assume that Hogan would have A, been in there already when the Twin Towers came in, and B, that Hogan would be alone.

In order to do that, DiBiase would have had to find out what Hogan’s number was, and the only ways he could have done that would be to find out Hogan’s number directly from Hulk which is unlikely or to have found out all 29 other spots AND managed to spread enough deals around to make sure that Akeem and Boss Man had consecutive numbers after Hogan.

I’m supposed to believe that he managed to pull all this off in less than two hours with the help of just Virgil? Give us some credit there Gorilla. Granted I don’t think he put that much thought into what he said, but that’s the point of these reviews: to break down things like that and show how stupid some stories can be. In a quite anticlimactic moment, Hogan is hit with a double splash and thrown out. Really, that’s all there is to it.

That just came out of nowhere and all of a sudden the fact of how stupid that may have been kicks in. Tell me oh great and mighty Vince: why should I care about the rest of the match? Your top faces are all gone now with about ten entries to go. This wasn’t smart booking at all as they backed themselves into a corner for what is likely going to be a weak finish. Hogan of course pulls Boss Man to the floor and beats on him as Beefcake comes out. It’s a big tag team brawl minus the tagging.

Hogan says he’s going back in and the referees finally do their jobs and keep him from doing so. Hogan pulls Boss Man out AGAIN because this is all about him again, despite him not being world champion or even in the title picture. He and Boss Man fight to the back and they’re going to say Boss Man is out because Hogan pulled him over the ropes. In at 25 we have someone that might even be less useful than Garvin in the Red Rooster.

I finally got the joke/idea behind the name of his finisher the Five Arm. It’s one better than the forearm. Get it? That lowered my IQ a good bit. The announcers try to figure out who the final five guys will be and naturally they know them inside of 4 seconds. The two faces do the generic beating on the heel because that’s Rumble Theory 101. Gorilla actually agrees that Hogan cheated. I never thought I’d hear that.

Barbarian is in next to make what should be a completely one sided match. Barbarian, the genius that he is, beats up the faces and then goes after Akeem on his own. I love idiotic heels. Despite this being 1989, Big John Studd is somehow still a relic here. He goes straight for Akeem in what would become a running theme for the end of this match which I’ll get to in a minute. John is a face here on one last hurrah I guess you would call it.

Basically John keeps throwing people out of his way so it’s just him and Akeem, which can be translated into the guy that he can do the least with while still looking like he’s doing something. Hercules comes in at 28. Just like I thought it would, this has REALLY slowed down since Hogan left and it just doesn’t feel right at all. The next to last entrant is Rick Martel, the returned face who is just about to become a heel and a model.

The final guy is DiBiase to few people’s shock. If he was supposed to be the big heel, two things: one, he should win, and two he should go on to something big after this. At Mania 5 he had a throwaway match with Brutus. Studd is just a complete waste of time out there as he hasn’t actually beaten on anyone other than Akeem. The final eight, all in the ring, are DiBiase, Akeem, Studd, Martel, Red Rooster, Beefcake, Hercules and Barbarian. What a motley crew that is.

Rooster is finally gone and we’re at seven. Studd finally fights someone else in the Barbarian. I don’t believe it. DiBiase and Barbarian put out Beefcake and Hercules to bring us down to DiBiase, Barbarian, Studd, Akeem and Martel. Martel puts out Barbarian and then gets knocked out maybe four seconds later to get us down to three.

The heels double team Studd as I can’t wait for this to end. Akeem is put out after a mistake and we’re down to Studd and DiBiase. He offers money and Studd isn’t interested. After a few power moves, Studd causally throws DiBiase over for the most lackluster ending in the history of the Rumble. Virgil comes in and gets beaten up as well. Wow that was dumb.

Rating: C+. This is the first of its kind in a way so you have to take it with a grain of salt. They didn’t know what they were doing with the thirty man formula, but I just don’t get the point in having Studd win it. I suppose the issue was that they didn’t think it was a big deal yet so they gave it to a random guy like they did last year. That’s the only thing I can think of at least.

The match really suffers at the end though because once Hogan is gone, there’s just no drama or anything at all. Studd winning was almost obvious but not quite. Also, Akeem has been in the final three in both of the first two Rumbles. How insane is that? This was a big improvement over last year, but they still had a lot of bugs to work out. Not bad, but it would be massively improved in the coming years.

In the locker room, Savage goes on a rather long rant about how it was a misunderstanding, but you can see the heel just dying to get out. Liz says that it wasn’t a fight or anything like that. The Mania main event was coming and would be obvious today, but back then it was built up so well that it was shocking.

Gorilla and Jesse say some basic stuff before we get a highlight package to end it.

Overall Rating: C-. Average. That’s the only way to put this. There’s nothing at all here that is going to be considered great by any means, but nothing at all is really all that bad. You’re not going to see anything that rivals Steamboat vs. Savage but there’s nothing here that wouldn’t hold your attention for the most part. This is where the Rumble is still being fleshed out but you can see the elements there that made it such a great concept for a show.

It’s not great and it’s not bad, but a lot of work was needed. For once though you could clearly tell that they had the right idea though and things would be much better next year where they would really get it right. I’d say this show is worth seeing once maybe, but you won’t be missing anything if you don’t see it. If you catch it and have some time to kill you won’t think it was a waste of time but you won’t be thrilled either. Not bad, but nothing great at all.

I took in the Smackdown house show this evening in Lexington, Kentucky. The show is five minutes from my house and I won free tickets in a radio trivia contest. Anyway, after paying $10 to park, I figured I needed to win tickets more often as these were great seats, roughly eye level with the middle turnbuckle and on the same side as the entrance which was on my left. There were two rows in front of me, an aisle, and then three or four more rows of seats before the barricade. Great seats.

The  show itself was great, definitely the best house show I’ve ever been to. The house shows have zero nonsense to them, with the music of one match finishing and then Chimmel (who handled all the attire and titles etc) saying “The following contest is scheduled for one fall!” There were 9 matches and a ten minute intermission covered in just about two hours and 15 minutes, so you can tell they’re flying through this, but nothing seemed rushed at all.

This is merely going to be a brief recap and not a full on review with grades and all that jazz as I only took basic notes since I was watching the show for the most part.

Alberto Del Rio vs. R-Truth

Truth came out first and for some reason there was a long delay after his music started to play. He finally got there but wasn’t singing along. He did the What’s Up part and got a great reaction almost every time. Way over to say the least. Del Rio is clearly having a blast being a jerk to people and it shows in his talking and mannerisms.

He cut a quick promo talking about how Truth belonged on Raw but was here anyway. The mic kept cutting out, prompting the guys next to me to start a brief You F’D Up chant which stopped when all the parents with little kids around gave them evil glares. This was a relatively short match with Del Rio working on the back for the most part for some reason.

It’s amazing how much more fake punches clearly are at house shows. That running enziguri in the corner is awesome looking in person. Anyway, in a surprising upset, Truth got the win with the axe kick in about 5:30. The match was rather basic but well done and it worked as an opener with the surprise ending. Post match Del Rio caught Truth in the cross armbreaker and left him laying.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Percy Watson

Chavo got a big face pop and Watson got silence as I don’t think the vast majority of the audience had any clue who he was. There was a loud Chavo chant before the match and he turned it around easily by saying “Thank you for the cheers, but I already know I’m great.” Chavo is another guy that you don’t get to see enough of on TV but in front of a live audience he knows how to have a crowd wanting to kill him in seconds. Great heat magnet and got the people hating him quickly.

After a long stalling session we got started with a rather basic match. Watson has a presence about him but he isn’t incredibly sharp in the ring. A lot of his stuff was somewhat sloppy while Chavo was crisp with everything he did. Not a terrible match but definitely a step below the first. Watson won after a spinning splash set up by Chavo missing the Frog Splash. Ran a little over 8:00.

Rosa Mendes, who is incredibly good looking in person, asked a fan what the next PPV was and he got to ring the bell for the next match. Always a cool thing to do.

Tyler Reks vs. Ezekiel Jackson

This was just a step above a squash and ran less than 3:00. There was a pose down and then Reks tried basic stuff to no avail. Jackson won with a Rock Bottom and looked impressive like he’s supposed to without being exposed at all. The kids seemed into him somewhat too.

Cody Rhodes vs. Chris Masters

We got some dueling promos to start. Cody is so awesome in his role it’s unreal. He got a face pop for some reason too. That mirror on his jacket is certainly real too as it reflected light into my eyes a few times. Cody cut a basic heel promo, running down UK basketball (in their home arena) and talking about how Masters has never won anything. Masters said that today was his birthday (which it was) and that as a birthday promise he was going to slap Cody.

Cody is so old school in his style it’s not even funny. He uses basic stuff like the jumping stomp with the ropes to help him and knee drops and it looks like something out of the early 80s. Needless to say I love him right now. Masters surprised me here, busting out a Sky High and a Samoan Drop, both of which looked rather good. He needs something besides the Masterlock so maybe he’s testing some stuff out.

Anyway Masters kept teasing the slap all night and finally got it to a great pop. After that the crowd was far more into the match and it helped a lot. I was really surprised that Masters vs. Rhodes had the crowd into it as much as they did. After about 7:45, Cody hit a really bad looking Cross Rhodes to end this. Better than you would expect and probably the match of the night to this point.

Drew McIntyre vs. JTG

I have never heard a crowd as quiet as they were for JTG. Drew is awesome at working the crowd. After every little thing he would do he would hold up a finger, signaling that he was up 1-0, 2-0 etc. He played to the crowd all match and got them riled up very well. JTG got in a surprising amount of offense but got caught in the Futureshock for the clean pin after about 6:50. Not bad but certainly nothing special.

Intercontinental Title: Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler

These two are awesome together and this was no exception. I would have liked to see them get more time but they wound up getting just shy of 10:00. Both guys got to do a lot of their big spots and there were some good near falls. Kofi has incredible energy and never stops going the whole time. They were hammering on each other and it’s clear that they’ve had a lot of time working together. Kofi won with the Trouble in Paradise just shy of 10:00 in the best match of the night so far and probably all night.

Intermission

Divas Title: Natalya vs. Layla

First things first: Layla is one of the most stunningly beautiful women I have ever seen in my life. TV does not do these girls justice whatsoever and they are indeed as gorgeous as they’re built up as. Anyway, Layla brought out an exercise ball and did a routine on it which every straight man or lesbian in the audience loved very much.

To my lessening surprise, this was a good match. The Divas on Smackdown have been getting much better in the ring and this was no exception. Layla hooked a reverse Indian Deathlock and got a rollup out of that for two. The focus of the match was on Natalya’s knee and she never could get the Sharpshooter. Instead she rolled over on an O’Connor Roll for the pin. Post match Layla went after the knee again but Beth came out for the save. Match ran roughly 10:00 and felt like half that, but in a good way.

Wade Barrett vs. Big Show

Show got the loudest pop of the night or at worst the second loudest and just a step behind Edge. Probably the loudest though. On his way to the ring, Barrett jumped him. Wade said he didn’t need Nexus anymore and that he was the new big man on Smackdown. Interesting indeed. For some reason this match had far more flash bulbs going off than anything else all night. Show won with the Knockout Punch in 4:50 and Barrett sold it like he was shot. Two referees helped him to the back.

Smackdown World Title: Edge vs. Kane

This was fan’s choice, with the options being 2/3 falls (I think 5 people in the arena cheered for this, myself included), or a street fight. I think you know what won. I forgot to time this but it was definitely the longest match of the night at maybe 13-15 minutes or so. Good stuff indeed with them brawling up by the entrance and using a few weapons. Kane hit the Chokeslam for two after avoiding the Conchairto to the knee. Edge hit the spear to win it and then high fived a ton of fans to end the show. He was incredibly over to say the least.

Overall, this was a GREAT show. When you can get that many matches on a show and in just over two hours without anything bad, what more can you ask for? The crowd was hot all night long with lots of chants and pops/heat at the right times. The upper arena was tarped off but the lower arena was about 80-90% full. Keep in mind that Rupp Arena is one of the biggest basketball arenas in the country and can hold over 20,000 people at maximum capacity. Very fun show and I’m quite glad I went.

I know a lot of sites do this but I’m a site so why not me too?  Every day I’ll be posting a review of a Rumble all the way up until the 2011 show.  Hope you like them.

We have arrived at the first of the Big Four PPVs, the Royal Rumble. This is one of the true unique matches in wrestling as there isn’t another match like this. Yes it’s a battle royal, but it’s distinct from others are we have the time intervals. In case you’ve never seen one of these, the rules are simple. You have 30 men (twenty in the first one) in total with two starting it off.

Every two minutes thereafter (with a few exceptions in some years) another person comes in. The only way to be eliminated is to be thrown over the top rope with both feet touching the floor. The last man standing wins, and beginning with the 1993 match, the winner received the world title shot at Wrestlemania, making this in a way something like the semifinals of a season with the finals being at Mania.

As usual, this has a backstory attached to it involving Vince vs. Crockett. The NWA had a show called Bunkhouse Stampede, which was somehow worse than it sounds. Vince decided to give away a PPV level card (in his head at least) for free. The Royal Rumble was that show.

In something that amuses me greatly, Vince would be TICKED when the NWA did the exact same thing on March 27, airing the first Clash of the Champions, which really was a PPV caliber show at the same time as Wrestlemania 4, which this is the buildup show for. Anyway, the series has produced some great moments, primarily due to the idea of the iron man record, which is how long people can last in the match.

It’s something that’s just cool to think about while really having no significance at all. The record is over an hour by a few people but we’ll get to that later on. Other than that, it’s really just a great novelty act that only comes once a year and never gets old to me. That’s very hard to do, but it works. I have no idea how the reviews of these matches are going to go, but I’m looking forward to it. Let’s get to it.

As always, I hope you guys call me out on anything you disagree with. Keep in mind that these are simply my thoughts as I watch the shows. I very well may be wrong about every opinion I have on them, so if you think I am, then bring it up. That’s what these are for at the end of the day: getting people talking, which I’ve done enough of now, so let’s get to…more of me talking.

Royal Rumble 1988
Date: January 24, 1988
Location: Copps Coliseum, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Attendance: 18,000
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jesse Ventura

Here we go with the first ever Rumble. This wasn’t actually on PPV but rather a special on USA, similar to Saturday Night’s Main Event in a way. The idea was invented by Pat Patterson, and that’s about all there is to say on that aspect of it. Since this was a TV special, it only has four matches on it, which to be fair is the same amount on the first Survivor Series. The Rumble here has twenty men in it, most of which are midcard guys.

There are two other things going on with this show other than the matches. First of all we have a contract signing for Hogan and Andre II, which took place two days after my birthday. Also, Dino Bravo is going to try to bench press 715lbs, which would be a world’s record. With all that said, let’s get to the first ever Royal Rumble, which certainly is a historic thing when you think about it.

Vince and Jesse talk about the show, which sounds ok at best, but that doesn’t really mean a lot.

Rick Rude vs. Ricky Steamboat

This was a great feud in WCW in about four years, but it never took off in the WWF for some reason. Ricky, not Rick mind you, would be gone very soon. He wanted time off to be with his newborn son, but it didn’t happen so he went to WCW and had some of the best matches of all time with Ric Flair. So Ricky and Rick are fighting here before Ricky leaves to go fight Ric. I’m glad we’ve got that cleared up.

Rude just got here recently, so there’s very little known about him. I’ll never get tired of seeing Steamboat skin the cat. It just looks awesome every single time. Ventura always seemed like he had a man crush on Rude, which was just funny to me. There’s really no point to this match other than just having a match for the sake of having a match, which isn’t something I agree with but it’s fine I suppose.

You have two great wrestlers so it means the match should be good. It’s classic 80s heel vs. face stuff, so what more do you want. That being said, this is fairly boring to start. It’s fine from a technical standpoint, but it’s a bit bland. Dragon’s armdrags help that out though, as I could watch him do those all day. Granted I’d be bored out of my mind doing so, but I could do it. Steamboat is really good at being able to keep the crowd into a very standard match.

That’s a talent that very few people ever could have, and Steamboat is one of the best ever at it. I mean, he’s working on the arm of Rude, which is some of the most standard stuff you can do and he’s making it interesting looking at least. He’s doing mainly arm work and the crowd is reacting to it. That’s all you can ask for. During this first part of the match we keep hearing a woman’s voice over and over again.

It’s not something that’s supposed to be there either. Jimmy Hart never managed Rude, at least not that I can remember, and Steamboat’s wife who occasionally came to the ring with him, so I have no clue who that is. However, once a camera swings around, we see that a woman has brought a bullhorn with her, more commonly known as a megaphone. Oh this is going to be a long match isn’t it?

And now this is just getting boring. It’s going on way too long here and Steamboat just botched taking an elbow BADLY. I mean it looked horrid, which isn’t something I can ever remember saying about him. I want to hurt that woman with the megaphone. Oh look, it’s ANOTHER armbar, but the fans are cheering it to an extent. At least there’s some psychology being used and he’s adding in more stuff to the arm to switch it up a bit. That’s nice to see.

Now if only the arm plays into the finish later on, we’ll have an actual story being told instead of just most of one which is what happens far more and far too often. Rude can’t pose because of the arm, and the woman thinks it’s just SO funny. The fans really do love Steamboat. They’re cheering wildly for simple punches and chops. That’s saying a lot. Rude goes to the really bad version of a camel clutch.

It’s the kind where he just sits on Steamboat’s back and puts his hands on his face which is supposed to be effective somehow. Thankfully that lasts about ten seconds. Oh never mind it’s back on. Dang I can’t stand cock teases like that. Steamboat slaps the mat which would be considered a tap out today, but obviously this is way too early for that. Rude really wasn’t that good at this time in his career.

He’s rather young and doesn’t have a lot of stuff in his arsenal and it’s rather boring. Somehow we’re discussing Vince putting his fingers up people’s nostrils. You can tell the announcers are rather bored at this point. This match is relying on rest holds such as this chin lock far too much. Yeah they’re actually still in it. At least with Steamboat he worked on the arm which makes sense.

It takes away the Rude Awakening and while you can argue that the clutch takes away Steamboat’s movement, it’s just boring looking. Ricky (again, not Rick but Ricky) mixed up his offense and used strikes and holds on the arm to at least keep it moving. That’s a major perk if nothing else. To their credit, the crowd has stayed rather hot the whole time. They really did love Steamboat. DANG that bridge was pretty from Dragon.

They speed it up all of a sudden and now it’s good. Steamboat goes up for the cross body but Rude pulls the referee in the way of it. I’m not sure if Rude was using the Rude Awakening yet, as he gets Steamboat up in an Argentinean Body Vice, which is where you put a guy on your shoulder and pull down. Jesse says Steamboat just got a Rude Awakening, so there’s your finisher name.

Rude would be with Heenan by the time Mania rolled around and would be somewhat better. He leaves celebrating but Vince gives away the DQ ending by mistake just before it happens. Nice going BOSS. Rude is a bit angry to say the least as we go to commercial. That’s just weird to say.

Rating: C+. This was something that didn’t need nearly twenty minutes. The problem was in all the rest holds and Rude simply wasn’t ready for a seventeen minute match yet. Steamboat didn’t help things with the arm work, but to be fair Rude forgot about it maybe two minutes after he was done. The crowd was into it, but it was just barely ok. The ending sucked too.

It’s time for the bench press attempt. Ventura talks about what we’re about to see while insulting Gene at the same time. Bravo, the Canadian, gets an interesting reception. We get a promo from his manager, Frenchy Martin. It’s in French naturally so I have no clue what he said and I can’t make fun of him. Since we only have four matches, we have time for a warm up of 415lbs first. Wait, Bravo wants it to be silent.

I’ll give you two guesses as to how that goes. He does the 415 ten times as we set up another 90 to make it 505 as Frenchy talks some more. There’s no angle or comedy angle or anything like that going on here. Bravo is just lifting weights. The fans, shockingly, are booing. He speeds this set up a bit by only doing eight reps of it. Gene is despately trying to make this seem epic and is failing completely.

We’re up to 555 now, and it’s just the same thing: Bravo wants the people to be quiet, he stalls, he lifts it, and more weight is added. What’s the point of this freaking thing? Gene is trying to do like a commentary thing here and it’s dull to no end. Bravo can’t do it because there’s too much noise. Ventura waists more time by saying be quiet and Gene asks for silence. Bravo does about six reps here (they should all be red) and again asks for silence.

This is just idiotic as we’re at about ten minutes. Yes, ten minutes is being wasted on this. Were there no jobbers available for people to squash? It’s 595 this time as Bravo hates noise. Wouldn’t the time here have been better spent in like, a match for Bravo? This is obviously supposed to be used to get him over but it’s not working. I’d assume it would work better with actual wrestling, but I don’t know enough about the finer points of the game I guess.

Again, the same formula is used but this time we have another French promo. He does three reps as Gene says how awesome Bravo is. Who really thought this would be a good idea? Remember there’s no Titantron or anything, so the people can see a spotlight on something, but for the most part they can’t see a stupid thing. We’re at 655 pounds now so at least we’re close to being done.

I love also how there’s no judge or official to determine that this would be a record or anything like that also. The booing is ridiculous now so Ventura and Bravo yell at McMahon, who allegedly was just a commentator at this time so that was odd. Hey he got 655 up! We’re over seventeen minutes now as Jesse says that this is unofficial because the bar will have to be weighed later. So wait, this might not count anyway? Give me a break guys.

This is beyond moronic and has been from the start, but supposed someone hit their head and thinks this is interesting. We don’t even get to know the results until later on? WOW and you people wonder why people popped so huge for Hogan and Savage. They were the only interesting things on these shows. Again: be quiet. He lays down but gets back up once again demanding silence. Oh come on now. He’s walking away now and Martin is trying to calm him down.

Jesse asks the people if they want to see a world record. Crowd: NO! Jesse ignores this of course. They waste a minute getting Bravo calmed down and we’re hopefully at the end of this. Jesse helps him do it by grabbing the bar. He would claim to have gotten it clean with Jesse saying he only put two pounds of finger pressure in it. This went on over twenty minutes, as in longer than the opening match. If anyone can explain the mindset of Vince for doing this, I’ll get you a ham sandwich.

Women’s Tag Titles: Jumping Bomb Angels vs. Glamour Girls

This is 2/3 falls. The Women’s Tag Titles did indeed exist. Much like he did with Moolah’s Title, Vince bought them from the NWA and gave them to the Glamour Girls who allegedly won them in Egypt. I think it was billed as a double main event and shown on a split screen with Patterson winning the Intercontinental Title in Rio. It happened blast it! Anyway, the Glamour Girls are old and annoying, but the Bomb Angles are freaking AWESOME.

At Survivor Series when they destroyed the Glamour Girls, Jesse said they were like watching Savage or Steamboat or Dynamite Kid and he couldn’t be more correct. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m not a fan of women’s wrestling, but I’ve been looking forward to this match as I’ve never seen it, so you’ll be getting a legitimate fresh review here from me.

More or less this is just housekeeping at this point, as everyone knows the Angels are winning here. I’m not going to try to spell the Angels’ last names properly time after time, but the Glamour Girls are Judy Martin and Lelani Kai. Only the Angels get entrances. These belts were defended maybe twice or so in the six and a half years they were around and no one noticed when they were retired.

These two are like Lita vs. Moolah or something like that. For the sake of simplicity, the Angels will be named Red and Pink based on their attire. All four are wearing what would be described as one piece swimsuits for attire which aren’t flattering at all. Jesse and Vince are arguing about weightlifting and Jesse implies that Vince has never lifted one. That’s another of those moments that are ironic given what we know now.

Vince doesn’t know the names of the Angels either. OH MY GOODNESS! Vince says for lack of anything better, let’s call one Pink and one Red. I called that first Vince! I don’t care if I wouldn’t be born for another ten days. That was MY idea. That’s either awesome or scary as I’m thinking the same way Vince does. The Angels are just flat out destroying the Glamour Girls here as they look about as worthless as Vince is on commentary.

Dang man at least know the names of your talent. His excuse is he doesn’t speak Japanese. What difference does that make? If I walk into an Italian restaurant I can order spaghetti and I don’t speak Italian. It’s a word and you match it with a color. How hard is that?

Pink using the split legged move that Jeff Hardy used a lot. The Angels remind me of the Hardys actually with their continuity. In a very cool spot, both have a leg of one of the Glamour Girls and pull on her as the other Girl pulls from the other side. The Angels win and the Glamour Girl that’s standing more or less winds up doing a headbutt onto her partner. It looked cool.

The Angels are embarrassing the champions at this point as the Girls more or less can only do bare bones level stuff while the Angels, although a bit sloppy at times, are all over the place with varieties of offense that look very great. Like I said they’re not perfect, but man they’re fun to watch. They’re not boring like most of the women wrestlers around this time period. It’s like the situation in the Winter Olympics a few years ago with the French judge.

One of the teams did a very basic routine perfectly and the other team did a ridiculously hard routine nearly perfectly. As far as execution goes here, the Glamour Girls are likely better, but they’re nowhere near the level the Angels are at here. Jimmy Hart rubbing one of the Glamour Girls’ calves to get the circulation back into it is funny stuff. Oh I almost forgot: the woman with the bullhorn has had it taken away or has been told to stop using it THANK GOODNESS!

The Girls win the first fall using a fairly cool looking move. Martin sets for a powerbomb but instead shoves Red over her head. Big Show used this for awhile which he called the Alley-Oop. We take a quick commercial break between falls and when we come back we ring the bell. I like that. All of a sudden Vince knows the name of the Pink Angel. Well thanks for getting it seven minutes into the match buddy.

She goes for the same finishing move again after a big brawl but Red gets a sunset flip out of it instead to tie us up. We hit another commercial and upon returning we run down the Andre/Hogan contract signing and the Rumble very quickly before the bell rings. I’m most impressed here as the announcers actually talk about the match once the bell rings instead of hyping up the bigger stuff later on.

That’s showing the girls respect which is something you rarely see in today’s product. When the Angels are on offense, this match is interesting. When the Girls are on offense, I want a sharp object to do bad things with. Ah there now it’s interesting again. The Angels hit a double dropkick from the top to win the belts in a cool looking finish. That was nice.

On replay, Jesse is proven correct as he claims that when the Angel went for the cover she hooked the arm of Martin, raising it off the mat so there shouldn’t have been a pin. Vince says that since the shoulder blade was down it counts. I don’t know what to say to that.

Rating: B-. I was expecting to be bored out of my mind here, but they carried this quite well in my eyes. It was fairly clear that these belts were a joke, but if nothing else they gave us something that we very rarely if ever get to see in this era, with that being a fast paced and well done women’s match. This was fun. It was sloppy, but fun.

We hit the recap button on Hogan vs. Andre which I’m sure you all know. In case you’re brand new to wrestling (if you are you’ve picked a most interesting place to start), Hogan and Andre had the biggest match of all time at Wrestlemania 3 in front of 93,173 people, with Hogan successfully defending the title. At one point very early in the match though, Hogan tried to slam Andre but his back gave out and Andre landed on him.

There was a lot of controversy to the count because Hogan literally couldn’t kick out and it looked like Andre had won in 15 seconds. That’s the driving force behind this rematch. McMahon says that he thinks the third mat slap was “the referee shoving himself up to signal that it was a two.” I get that Vince is the face commentator, but THAT’S the best he can come up with? No wonder he was on the verge of bankruptcy so often.

Anyway, DiBiase came into the picture and tried to buy the belt, but Hogan wasn’t interested. Since Hogan said no, DiBiase paid Andre to take out Hogan. DiBiase was so great on the mic and in general it’s terrifying. How did he not get a short run with it? Depending on if you want to believe it, there’s a story out there that says he was supposed to, but due to Honky Tonk Man throwing a monkey wrench into things, that never happened.

The full story of that is in my Mania 4 review if you’re interested, but in essence, the original plan called for DiBiase to hold the belt over the summer of 88, but it would have involved Savage beating Honky for the IC belt. He said no, so Savage got the world title four months ahead of schedule. Basically we recap the entire feud up to this point in a series of videos that take about seven minutes. This feels more like a show for people that are new to the company at this point, which is rather interesting.

After another commercial, we’re in the ring and for some reason they ring the bell for this. I guess it was to get attention, but it was still odd. Gene says what this is for and introduces Hogan for the contract signing for this match which will take place a week from Friday. It was taking place on a live show on NBC on a Friday night. Live TV was a very new idea back then and being on prime time during the week was unheard of.

You can tell it’s a very different wrestling world than it is now. Hogan is wearing jeans. That just looks odd. Jesse makes a great point that Hogan should be booed for coming out to Real American in Canada, but of course he’s worshipped even more. Gene mistakenly says that Andre weighs 425 which confuses Vince for a bit. Jack Tunney is here and gets a very mixed reaction (he was a big time promoter in Canada and had a lifetime job for selling to Vince.

This same deal was in place for Monsoon who owned the Puerto Rico territory of all places) as he should. Andre just looks awesome in his suit where you can see the suspenders holding up his pants. It sounds stupid but for Andre it looks sweet. Heenan has sold his contract for a million dollars and then later in I think 1989 bought it back for a hundred grand. That’s a very sweet deal when you think about it.

There’s a ton of mind games from Andre which has Hogan looking flat out scared. That’s something you hardly ever see. Hogan signs as DiBiase cuts a promo talking down to Hogan which is just awesome. Andre just stares at Hogan before signing which is rather intimidating. Andre signs and then beats up Hogan of course, because it wouldn’t be wrestling without it. This was a new idea so the cliché isn’t there yet, making it much cooler.

Buy Wrestlemania 4.

We talk about the Rumble, which sounds really weak. There’s not a lot of huge names in it, which kind of hurt things. Let’s do it.

Royal Rumble

Bret Hart is #1 and Tito Santana is 2, so if nothing else we’re guaranteed a solid opening. This was the hot feud for the tag belts at the time, so I’m quite shocked that these are the two opening guys. Bear with me on this, as I have no idea how this is going to go. And we’re off. Vince is complaining about Andre and DiBiase’s conduct, saying that if Andre wins the title it’ll be a dark time for the company. I agree.

Those 45 seconds were indeed a nightmare come to Stamford. Thankfully Jesse gets Vince talking about the match and mentions how ironic it is that these two are starting, which amuses me. Something I noticed here: Vince mentions that hopefully 3 will be one of Tito’s friends. This was a lot more of a standard battle royal as there’s no concept mentioned of every man for themselves.

The idea of say Neidhart throwing out Bret would be a split of the team instead of just a regular thing in a battle royal. That’s very interesting. 3 is Butch “I was supposed to be a Horsemen” Reed. Tito hits the forearm just as Butch comes in to make it one on one again. Jesse says that Reed is virtually rested. Why wouldn’t he be all rested? Also if you’ve been resting, doesn’t it imply you had been doing something before? Why am I examining this?

After about a minute and a half (the space between people always changed through the match. According to Wikipedia this match runs 33 minutes even. Now I’m bad at math, but with 19 different entrances considering that two start and two minutes between each, wouldn’t there be a minimum of 38 minutes, which would also assume that the last person out was eliminated more or less immediately and didn’t have to run to the ring) Neidhart is 4, making it three on one against Tito.

Naturally just before Jim gets in, Bret and Butch mess up a double team spot which I think was going to be called the Convenient Plot Twist of Doom, but I could be wrong. The Harts kind of steal Demolition’s finisher to beat on Santana a bit more. Vince finally points out the idea that Reed could double cross them, but naturally he doesn’t.

After about 75 seconds we have the fifth entrant of Jake Roberts who was rapidly becoming a huge name. He’s by far the biggest star in the match at this point and immediately eliminates Reed and then hammers on Neidhart. Jim would be his opponent at the infamous Heroes of Wrestling issue which I’m sure you’ve heard of.

Jake and Tito clean house for a bit as it will never cease to amaze me how a guy can get a beating that would put most people in a hospital and be up fresh and fighting just seconds later. The crowd is WAY into this. The DDT doesn’t hit and the heels are in control again. Bret hits a piledriver on Tito as number six is Harley Race who needed to retire about five years prior to this.

At seven we have Jim Brunzell as we’re in full on battle royal mode of very little happening. This is a white hot crowd which is helping the boredom a lot. All six guys try to get each other out in a big pile which is either very cool or very stupid. Sam Houston, Jake’s tiny and untalented brother in law is eighth. The commentary here has to be limited as it’s really just punching and kicking and a random attempt at an elimination that doesn’t do anything.

That’s the nature of the beast though as you have to fill in a lot of time out there. We have seven people in the ring right now which is far too high of a number. As I type that, the Harts throw out Tito. Danny Davis is ninth. He was a referee turned wrestler and about as effective as Santino. Sam Houston beats him up if that tells you anything. Race gets caught in the slingshot position which is where he sits on the middle rope and gets punched down but his feet save him and bring him back in.

I’ve always liked that one. More random punching follows. These fans REALLY want a DDT. Boris Zhukov is the tenth entrant and eighth currently in the ring. How are we already halfway done with this? He goes for Houston, which makes sense as he’s the tiny guy in the match, but it’s getting a bit repetitive. Race and Boris go at it, and the term every man for himself is first used on a Rumble broadcast. I love me some hot heel on heel action. It had to be said.

Davis tries to get rid of Sam Houston to become mayor of Jobber Town USA, or would it be Jobber Town Canada in the Horowitz province? We start the second half with Don Muraco (incorrectly called #10 by Vince) and Nikolai Volkoff who run down at the same time. Uh oh we have an uninteresting problem here. Muraco hits him and climbs in, making that whole segment completely pointless.

We have WAY too many people in there until Boris is eliminated to take us down to just eight in the ring. That’s still far too many people laying on the ropes and punching each other. I wonder if they ever get bored doing that for so long. Brunzell hits a sweet dropkick on Hart. That was nice. Apparently Nikolai will be 12th when we finally get to him.

After Vince mentions that he has the list of all twenty names, more or less ending any feeling of suspense at least for me, Nikolai comes in, again making the time where he stood at ringside completely pointless. Race does his traditional back flip bump to be eliminated which always looks good.

Jim Duggan comes out 13th to a MASSIVE pop. He and Roberts were likely the second and third biggest faces in the company at this point. He and Race have a short incident in the aisle which I guess is the setup for the hilarious fight they had at the Slammys. Find that show as it’s hilarious stuff all night long.

There are WAY too many people in there with I think nine at this point and for some reason they’re all on one side of the ring. That looks very odd indeed. Ron “Don’t Call Me Lance” Bass comes in and I promise that’s the last of my Chris Berman moments. I can’t stand that guy. I like the way Duggan punches. It just looks cool. The ring is too full but Brunzell being thrown out helps a bit.

Brian Blair is 15 to get us down to just five people to go. These fans sound like they’re heroin addicts given how much they want the DDT. After even more stalling and bad punching we have Hillbilly Jim at sixteen. He takes out Anvil in about four seconds to keep us at that ten person equilibrium. Dino Bravo gets us to 11 as number 17 which I think is a new record for most people in the match’s long standing twenty minute history.

That’s the problem here. Considering the whole match is thirty three minutes, Bravo should be coming in at thirty two I believe, yet we’ve got three more to be entered. Bass gets rid of the pest known as Sam Houston. The match becomes legal when some rookie that hasn’t done anything yet known as the Ultimate Warrior comes in. He’s a jobber killer at this point and barely even that high up.

Bret finally goes out as I guess he couldn’t stand to be in there with someone as bad as Warrior. He was in there twenty five minutes which is the record at the time. About forty seconds after Warrior comes in we have One Man Gang who would win the Slammy for Best Group. He knocks out Roberts and Blair in about a minute to finally start clearing the ring up a bit. The final man comes out after about a minute and it’s the Junkyard Dog. Well that’s pretty anticlimactic.

For the life of me I will never understand what was so great about this guy. He was supposed to be a big deal but I’ve always found him to be a complete waste of air. Anyway, this is the final field of about nine or ten so let’s do it. Yeah it’s ten. Vince shows off his brilliant wrestling mind by picking the Dog to win it. The 300lb Lithuanian Nikolai Volkoff is the first of the ten out thanks to Duggan.

Gang backdrops Jim out to take up to eight. Gang is also the I think fourth person that Jesse says this is his type of match. We get it: brawlers should do well in this. Davis gets clotheslined out to finish eighth. Gang and Bravo eliminate Warrior about five seconds later with relative ease. Dog is out a bit later to take us to five. Bass’ elimination takes us down to four.

I know that was just listing eliminations but they all came rather quickly with nothing at all between them. The final four are Gang, Bravo, Duggan and Muraco. The announcers pick the Gang for the win. Muraco beats up the Achilles enthusiasts while Duggan is down. Bravo holds Muraco up so Gang can clothesline him out, and naturally…it works. What? Of course it works.

Those are finely trained professionals. Did you expect them to make a mistake or something like that? They try the same spot on Duggan and it fails to take us to Gang and Duggan as the last two. Gang beats on Duggan on the ropes and charges at him, but Duggan of all things uses his head and pulls the rope down for the win.

Jesse is annoyed which is funny. We almost immediately go to commercial. One thing I really liked there was that there were no commercial breaks which would have messed up a lot of stuff for me. I’m glad they did it right.

Rating: C-. This match gets a pass, but it wasn’t that good. To be fair, it’s the very first one and they had no clue what they were doing, so given the information and knowledge they had, this was good. The roster wasn’t huge here as Hogan, Andre and DiBiase were the biggest stars in the company at the time, so there was only so much they could do, but it was certainly watchable. Next year they would iron out a lot of the kinks to improve it greatly, but for a first try this was fine.

We recap the real thing of the show by talking about Hogan and Andre. Hogan comes out again to talk about the title match on the fifth and says exactly what you would expect him to say. This was just window dressing.

Islanders vs. Young Stallions

Yes we actually have another match on this show and oddly enough it’s also 2/3 falls. The Islanders had dognapped Matilda recently in a somewhat well known angle. In short, they stole the dog and then gave it back. It was a big deal at the time for no apparent reason. Vince plays Sherlock Holmes here which is idiotic sounding. Heenan is apparently in Barbados for no given reason. Tama and Jim Powers start.

Tama was a guy I’ve always liked but he never got anything going for him. Vince admits that he was bored out of him mind during the Bravo segment which is great. It’s always good to hear Vince admit the he screwed up. They more or less ignore the match for the beginning because the show is more or less over at this point. Vince says that Tama has a devastating leap.

He doesn’t say into a splash or anything like that, but just a devastating leap. Wait, so he has a painful jump? Is he a jump rope master or something? Does Heenan turn the ropes? The man that would somehow become a Horseman named Paul Roma gets a tag and then it’s his turn to get beaten up. Oh dear Roma hurt his knee. No one seems to care. He gets counted out to end the first fall.

We go to commercial and as we come back, the Stallions are in the back getting Roma’s knee looked at. As stupid as that sounds, we get another recap of the contract signing and while a match is going on, we go to Andre and DiBiase for a promo in the arena. That’s just painfully stupid looking.

The commercial is let’s say three minutes long. In three minutes a guy with a bad knee got to the back and DiBiase and the Giant got word to the production team that they wanted to say something and got to the stage in time? That’s a BIG stretch. Andre says exactly what you would expect him to say. He does use the term Giant-a-Mania which is kind of awesome.

After another commercial we’re back in the second fall. Roma’s knee is dead here but we keep going anyway. I’ll give them credit as that’s actually a rather creative way to get in a match and a promo in the final part of the show. It’s kind of plausible but not really. It’s close enough though. Naturally they talk about the promo. You have to give it to Vince: he managed to get a promo in so that he wouldn’t have to talk about this match very much at all.

I’ll give him credit for something up with good ideas like that. That’s not bad at all. Jesse says that the Hogan vs. Andre match will be bigger than the Indy 500. Vince says he’d like to see Jesse dragged behind an indy car. Dang that’s rather violent.

This is just rather generic stuff for the most part as Powers can’t tag out because his partner is hurt. He finally does and Roma is destroyed, giving up to a half crab pretty quickly. Jesse somewhat sarcastically calls it a valiant effort which is I guess his attempt at being nice?

Rating: C-. This booking made little sense as I don’t get why this went on last. It was pretty boring but it’s not bad. It’s standard 80s stuff but it’s little more than a squash. It closed the show on an odd note, but this was ok I guess.

Vince and Jesse recap the show for about three minutes with a very long talk about the Bravo thing. For the love of goodness it wasn’t a big deal! They desperately try to make it a big deal, but man it’s just a failure. They of course recap Hogan and Andre and in a funny close, Jesse goes through the information for the match time and location etc., which disgusts the marketing freak known as Vince. That’s just great.

Overall Rating: C+. There’s a major factor to remember when watching this show: it was completely free. As a pay per view, this would have been lower than an F. However, given that this was pretty much thrown together and was given away free, how much can you complain? You got four matches and six segments total.

The first match was ok I guess, the second was exciting, the third was a new gimmick which is always worth a look and the fourth…well I’m not sure why it was where it was but it’s not bad. The two segments were the epitome of hit and miss as the first was just a waste of time, but to be fair you could just change the channel for this one. The Hogan/Andre was nothing but a build up for next week which is also fine. The one thing I don’t get is where a lot of guys were.

I mean, there’s no IC Champion in Honky. There’s no Savage who would go on to win the world title at Mania. No Demolition who would win the tag titles. Beefcake wasn’t there either and he would get the title shot at Mania. Martel, the other tag champion wasn’t there.

It certainly would have helped the battle royal out, but I guess that’s neither here nor there. The show is fine all things considered, but it’s really more of a historical thing than a good thing. It’s not bad at all, but don’t expect a great show because it isn’t one.

Smackdown
Date: January 7, 2011
Location: Tucson Convention Center, Tucson, Arizona
Commentators: Michael Cole, Matt Striker, Josh Matthews

In the first show of the year we have the World Heavyweight Championship on the line in a last man standing match as well as Alberto vs. Rey in a 2/3 falls contest.  The most intriguing thing to me is if Kane vs. Edge is finished tonight, what does that mean for the Rumble?  Hopefully this doesn’t see a double countout or a tie etc as that would make me rather irritated.  Let’s get to it.

The opening video is more or less what I just told you.  Now why can’t I get paid to do something like that?  I said more or less the same thing minus a few basic lines.

Do you know your enemy?  That’s a good question actually and I certainly don’t know mine.

After a brief opening statement from the announcers, it’s time for the main event!

Smackdown World Title: Edge vs. Kane

Edge has the red sunglasses back which I think he’s had recently but not for very long.  This is last man standing remember.  We get the big match intros here which isn’t something you see that often in WWE anymore.  It might be the angle of it but the belt looks quite different for some reason.  Kane puts Edge down in the corner with powerful strikes to start us off.

Edge gets a swinging neckbreaker to put both guys down for about a three.  Sideslam by Kane gets another three on Edge.  The champion hits a spear to Kane while Kane is on the apron and the bald man is down on the floor.  It only gets a six though and we hit the floor.  Up the ramp they go with Kane in control.  Isn’t it amazing how a single shot in one of these matches can send one or both guys off for a good 8 feet?

They go into the back towards the concourse and Edge is slammed into a wall.  Why are the concession stands closed?  Back into the arena in the crowd with Edge blocking a chokeslam off the stands.  They fight up the steps into the luxury suites which have their own concession and merchandise stands.  Dude that’s kind of awesome.  Trashcan to the stomach of Edge breaks his momentum.

With Edge down after being rammed into various things and hammered a bit, Kane finds a flight of stairs and a wheelchair.  I think you know what’s coming here.  Edge counters at the last second and only the chair goes flying.  A big boot puts Kane down for 5.  We take a break with Edge in firm control.

Back with Edge in control still and the fight going on in the crowd near the announcers’ table.  Kane clears off the announce table but Edge manages to reverse to send Kane into the steps.  That gets a 9 which sounded a lot like ten but they kept it going anyway.  Edge does one of those jumps off the top that exist only to jump into a shot from their opponent, in this case an uppercut.

The uppercut is good for 8 and here comes Kane.  Top rope clothesline misses though and Edge gets the Edgecution to put both guys down.  Cole informs us that if it’s a tie then we keep going.  That makes me feel all tingly.  Chokeslam out of nowhere has Edge and the title in big trouble.  Edge is up and 9 and heads/falls to the floor.

Kane wants a Tombstone on the steps but Edge counters into an Edge-O-Matic onto the steps and the big fried freak is in trouble!  Kane gets up at ten but is down at eleven.  Edge sets for the spear but runs into a huge boot to the face to put him back down again.  That gets 9 but Kane gets a chokeslam onto the table to half kill Edge!  Striker was sent flying and is partially pinned under the table in a funny looking visual.  Edge uses Striker to pull himself back up and beat the count.  That was kind of funny actually.

The challenger is all fired up here and he throws a chair into the ring.  Make it a pair of them.  He goes up but Edge pelts a chair at his head to take Kane down one more time.  That looked sick.  BIG chair shots to the knee have Kane in big trouble.  The spear hits but Edge isn’t happy yet.  He goes out and gets the pelted chair and hits a Conchairto to the knee of Kane, which is enough to end this at 17:20 shown of 20:50.

Rating: B. This was a fun brawl with some fairly creative spots, namely Edge using Striker to get up.  I like the ending as instead of the spear it was instead the spear that set up the Conchairto to end Kane.  That’s a nice touch and it prevented the match from ending stupidly with a spear ending Kane when nothing else could.  I liked it rather well and the ending only made it better.  Good match.

Intercontinental Title: Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston

They’re certainly pushing this as a huge show with the title matches and all that jazz.  Striker calls Vickie the female version of Rosie O’Donnell.  Why are so many people obsessed with Rosie?  What has she ever done?  Nice reaction for Kofi here.  We get a quick video of last week’s match where Dolph more or less stole the win from Kofi which is true only to a degree.

Kofi hammers away to start as Cole says that Kofi needs to move on instead of trying to get the title back time and time again.  Neckbreaker by Dolph gets two.  Off to a clear choke that they’re going to call a chinlock because they want to I guess.  Splash in the corner misses though and here comes Kofi.  These two have some solid chemistry together to be sure.

A rollup by Ziggler with some tights gets two.  They’re moving very fast out there.  Trouble in Paradise misses and it’s off to the Sleeper!  Kofi simply grabs the hands and rips the hold off and gets the SOS for an incredibly close two.  Middle rope suplex is blocked by Dolph.  I know it seems like I’m flying through this but there is almost nothing between these fast moves.  After Kofi knocks Dolph off the ropes to block the suplex, the HUGE crossbody ends this perfectly clean at 5:31.  That came out of nowhere!

Rating: B. Ok, this grade is going to require some explanation as to how it can be equal to the first match and I think it might clear up a bit about my grading system in general in case some people think I’m a bit inconsistent.  While I’m giving this match the same grade, it’s certainly not as good as the first one.  There are two key differences though.

The first is that the opener was meant to be a long brawl, as evidenced by giving it nearly four times as long to work with.  That match had time to work out spots and to be a brutal fight, whereas this was supposed to be fast paced and exciting.  Different styles of match, but both well done.

Second, which ties into the first, was the ending.  Dolph literally turned around to get hit by the cross body.  Kofi is already horizontal when Dolph sees him.  I love matches that end very quickly and with moves that aren’t finishers.  To the fans it looked like another big move that Kofi would hit to get a two count.  Instead it’s over and the fans are surprised.  That’s an excellent touch and it keeps the matches interesting.

As for the match itself, one important thing to make clear is that this was NOT a squash.  Dolph was definitely in this the whole time and Kofi got a big shot in to get the win.  That’s very important as it keeps Dolph looking strong while still switching the title.  This was a very fun and fast paced match which is what you come to expect from these guys.  Good stuff.

Dolph, ever the villain, destroys Kofi post match.  Vickie gets on the mic and says that since Teddy isn’t here tonight, Dolph gets a rematch RIGHT NOW!

Intercontinental Title: Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler

LOUD Kofi chant but he’s more or less d…..and screw that as he hits Trouble in Paradise and it’s over in 43 seconds!  That kick looked great.

Rating: B-. Well the opening 13 seconds were very weak but they picked it WAY up in the next 19.  The final 21 were completely awesome though and it definitely was good enough to make this a passable match.  Dang man those final 21 seconds with Kofi rolling Dolph over for the cover were more exciting than the entire Flair vs. Steamboat trilogy.

After a break Dolph is yelling at Vickie and telling her that was a boneheaded move.  Vickie blames him so Dolph says that maybe she should get a new boyfriend.  He leaves and she screeches in a terrifying voice.  I’ll be sleeping with the lights on tonight after hearing that.

Long recap of the cage match Monday.

Kelly is on the way to the ring when Drew stops her.  He says he’s a different person than he is out there.  This was allegedly supposed to be used for Tiffany and not Kelly, which means absolutely nothing but this is a short segment and I need something to talk about.  Drew wants to earn her trust and wants her support in his #1 contenders match tonight.  She smiles and says thanks and leaves.

Cody vs. Drew vs. Show for the #1 contender spot up next.

Cody Rhodes vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Big Show

See I told you it was up next.  Cody does look good in the jacket.  I have to give him that.  Could Drew look any more like a natural face than he does?  And here’s Vickie of course.  She makes it a fatal fourway with Dolph thrown in too.

Cody Rhodes vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Big Show vs. Dolph Ziggler

Drew has a headache and is still tired from the previous two matches.  Show looks very ticked off about the extra person being added in.  They all surround Show who is like screw it and beats up all three guys.  Drew is tossed to the floor first and then the other two get beaten on a bit as well.  Down to Show vs. Cody which is a mini-feud at least.  Dolph breaks up a pin by Show which gets him picked up by the hair and slammed down.

All Show for the first two minutes or so.  Channeling his inner Bobby Heenan, Cole says Show could have won this five minutes ago.  Stinkface to Cody has him gasping for air.  Show is busting out some of his old spots here like the Final Cut (Nightmare on Helm Street) and the one where he lifts up his leg and drops it onto the other guy’s chest like a standing legdrop (Wiki calls it the Showstopper but I’ve never heard that name for it before)

Drew has been in the ring maybe 20 seconds so far.  Big chop in the corner misses Dolph and Cody teams up with Dolph to beat down the Giant.  And that fails completely as Show blocks a double Irish Whip and sends both guys flying over the top with a simple tug.  Out on the floor Show is triple teamed and sent through the time keeper’s area.  He’s down but so is everyone else as we take a break.

Back with Cody vs. Dolph in the ring.  Cody goes for a moonsault but Drew shoves him off the top into the waiting arms of Big Show.  Cody gets back in to stop Drew from destroying Dolph and shouts that he’s #1.  He’s Paul Jones all of a sudden?  Drew back in now but Show is back up to a big reaction.  He picks off Drew and sends him flying on the floor and I think we’re about to pick up again.

Cody gets crushed in the corner and down goes Ziggler.  Show calls for the Chokeslam and out of nowhere Wade Barrett comes in to destroy Big Show!  A few big boots and a top rope elbow take down Show and Wade leaves.  Something to note there: Barrett just took down Show when three guys couldn’t.  Cody can’t steal the pin after the Beautiful Disaster but Ziggler manages to get the Zig Zag for two.

Futureshock gets two as this is ridiculous.  Show took a beating from Barrett, Cody’s second best move, Ziggler’s pin finisher and Drew’s finisher and is up a few seconds later.  We get that he’s a giant but don’t make him look invincible.  Cody and Dolph team up again but Dolph grabs the Zig Zag on him out of nowhere and gets the pin at 10:12 shown of 13:42.

Rating: C+. Fun match and told a decent story, but for the love of heck I can’t stand Show being made to look invincible like he does with those power kickouts.  Doing that to one move is ok, but how weak does the Futureshock look when it can’t get a pin after all that softening up mere seconds before it?  This still was more good than it was bad though so points for that.

Michelle McCool vs. Kelly Kelly

Kelly looking GOOD tonight.  They’re flying through this show too with maybe two backstage segments so far tonight.  Michelle charges into the corner to start but Kelly gets a choke with her legs while hanging upside down over the ropes.  Michelle fights that off with ease and goes after Kelly’s leg.  Kelly manages to get a headscissors to take her down and sets for the K2.  Michelle casually counters into the Faithbreaker to end this in 1:42.  Not quite a squash but you could call it that pretty easily.

Laycool beats down Kelly post match until Drew runs down for the save.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio

2/3 falls here.  This show has been PACKED with wrestling so far at a level I haven’t see in a long time.  Before we start Alberto says that it’s his destiny to win the Rumble.  He talks about how there are pure Latinos and then the rest of them, who are car washers, gardeners, and Rey Mysterio.  I like that.

Rey starts us off here with some speed moves and wants the 619 maybe 75 seconds in.  Alberto ducks and the Cross Armbreaker makes it 1-0 in 1:37.  I was under the impression that there would be no math.  We get a graphic telling us that it’s 1-0.  Are fans really that stupid?  After a quick break we’re back with Rey in an armbar and then taking a big backbreaker to put him down again.

Rey gets sent to the floor as we debate if Rey tapped out just to break the hold, which would make sense.  A big rana takes down Alberto but Rey can’t capitalize immediately.  Alberto gets up and goes for the armbreaker again but Rey turns into it and gets a rollup for two.  619 can’t hit again but a cradle gives Rey the 1-1 tie at 8:12 (total time elapsed) and we take our second break of the match.

Back with Alberto holding another armbar as Rey is in more trouble.  Del Rio gets caught by the usual speed and leverage moves from Rey but Del Rio fights Rey off with a Codebreaker to the arm.  The fans chant 619 over and over and Rey gets a body scissors into a DDT for two.  Rey tries to go up but Del Rio gets to the ropes and down comes the masked man.  He’s caught in the Tree of Woe so Del Rio hammers away.

Alberto goes up for a suplex while being on the outside.  In other words he’s trying to suplex Rey to the floor.  Rey’s arm is really hurting him here.  I’m not sure why Alberto isn’t getting back in the ring but rather is fighting from the apron.  Rey gets a 619 around the post to take down Alberto.  Rey gets a big dive to take out Alberto and Ricardo and get a big reaction from the crowd.  Del Rio gets back in but Ricardo grabs Rey’s ankle and it’s a countout to give Del Rio the win at 11:53 shown of 18:53 total.

Rating: C+. This was pretty good for the most part but I wasn’t feeling it for some reason.  Rey losing on the countout to end the match doesn’t do it for me at all.  If you’re going to have Rey lose in the end, have it be to the armbreaker.  Del Rio still looks good but at the same time the ending feels kind of silly.  Decent match but I didn’t like it for some reason.

Rey beats up Ricardo a bit post match including a 619 and the springboard splash.

The announcers recap the show and announce Show vs. Barrett next week.

Overall Rating: A. This show was packed and it worked the whole night.  With two nearly 20 minute matches plus a title change and a new #1 contender, how in the world can you argue against this one?  Oh and I forgot that Barrett is here now too which is good as the show is dying for star power.  I really enjoyed this show with it being so wrestling heavy.  Good stuff indeed and a great way to kick off the year.

Results

Edge b. Kane – Conchairto to Kane’s Leg

Kofi Kingston b. Dolph Ziggler – Top rope Cross Body

Kofi Kingston b. Dolph Ziggler – Trouble in Paradise

Dolph Ziggler b. Cody Rhodes, Big Show and Drew McIntyre – Zig Zag to Rhodes

Michelle McCool b. Kelly Kelly – Faithbreaker

Alberto Del Rio b. Rey Mysterio two falls to one

Impact
Date: January 6, 2011
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Tazz
Episode Title: Genesis….the Beginning…or the End?

It’s the go home show for Genesis where the card is more or less complete I think barring maybe a match or two being added tonight. Hopefully Impact can keep up what it’s been doing recently of having good television. Let’s get to it.
We open with a recap of the whole Morgan vs. Anderson issue with Foley being worried about Anderson and how bad his head might be. This is mainly focused on Morgan hitting Anderson and getting the pin after the shot to his head.

Immortal opens the show in the arena with Bischoff talking about how Genesis is the beginning. He promises nothing underhanded in the title matches on Sunday where he’s put a bounty on all the titles. Tonight is a night of champions apparently. Bischoff wants to talk to some champions, starting with Lethal.

The X-Division Champion comes out looking rather cocky. Bischoff says that with that attitude he can’t guarantee that Immortal will be good to him. Jay gets in rather hesitantly. Here come the Guns by invitation also. Finally it’s Williams who is very skeptical as well. Bischoff talks about how these people are going to steal the show on Sunday because that’s what champions do.

He makes matches for later: Lethal vs. Abyss, Guns vs. AJ/Kaz and Williams Rob Terry. The Guns have an issue with shaking AJ’s hand. There’s no handshake as it breaks down into a brawl. Bischoff acting all calm with the mic is funny for some reason. Van Dam comes in for the save and Immortal scatters.

Van Dam demands Jeff Hardy again to Bischoff and also wants to know who the opponent is. Bischoff says he’ll say when he’s good and ready. Van Dam says he’ll find out tonight.

Ray talks about how he’s been using D-Von for 15 years and challenges D-Von to a fight in the parking lot right now as we go to a break.

Back with a quick recap of last week’s Tommy Mercer vs. Jarrett in the MMA challenger. Here’s Jarrett with Angle’s entrance still. He announces the tweeks that were made to the competition last week and are official tonight. First up, they have to be his size or shorter. Also it’s an exhibition, so I’m not sure if the money is still going or not. Apparently it isn’t.

Someone from the Twilight Saga is here. Egads you can’t escape the freaking things. The guy is something called a junior black belt. It’s not happening though because his dad is taller than Jeff so the other guy isn’t eligible. Jarrett sees a fan in the back that works here. Naturally it’s a massacre with Jarrett beating the tar out of him and ending him with the ankle lock.

He won’t let go of the hold though and here’s Kurt Angle! He’s back and gets after Jarrett to break up the hold. Why is it that wrestling security will let people jump the guard rail so often? As Punk says, security here sucks. Angle says he’s about the same height as Jarrett and since it’s an exhibition he’s not breaking his promise of not wrestling. The showdown is made for Genesis as we take a break.

Back with a brief recap of what we just saw.

Motor City Machineguns vs. AJ Styles/Kazarian

The Guns jump them to start as they’re such nice guys. After a skirmish on the floor we start with Sabin vs. AJ in the ring. Double teaming and chops have Sabin in big trouble. Kaz has a thing for slingshot legdrops as two of them both get two. The announcers would rather talk about the PPV than the match which is something I’ve never been a fan of at all.

Sabin finally gets loose and we get double tags to bring in AJ and Shelley. Shelley gets rid of Kaz to get us down to Shelley s. AJ. This works for me. Rolling Chaos doesn’t work for AJ but he manages to counter Sliced Bread. The moonsault into a reverse DDT by AJ can’t hit either. A belt shot misses and Sliced Bread #2 finishes AJ at 4:50.

Back with a brief recap of what we just saw.

Rating: B-. This was very short for who you had in ther ebut it was certainly fun. I think they’re trying to push the idea of AJ being on the verge of getting thrown out of the group which is fine. The Guns getting a clean win like that over a big name is a great thing to see. Fun little match.

Post match Beer Money beats down the Guns.

Pope is going to call out whomever is following him around.

After another break AJ is getting chewed out by Bischoff saying it’s not as simple as it sounds. Flair says that they just want AJ to be the best he can be. AJ asks if Flair won every match he was in and Flair says no. Eric says it’s not about Flair and more or less says again that if AJ doesn’t get the TV Title on Sunday he’s gone.

Pope is in the ring to address being followed everywhere. He yells about the invasion of privacy and wants the guy to come out here right now. And it’s….Joe? Joe talks about how we’ve seen Pope in the back of the strip club and how no one has gotten their stuff at orphanages and shelters and how there are no puppies there.

Pope goes on a rant talking about how he’s been judged all his life and how he doesn’t need a Samoan in his way now. He has reasons for everything going on, including that he’s just talking to the strippers and telling them that they don’t have to do this to make a buck. His answer for the dog thing is more or less that he loves pit bulls and kids would too. That doesn’t really address Joe saying the kids don’t have them. Pope has spoken though so that’s that.

Sarita/Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky/Mickie James

Velvet and Sarita start us off. Always a fan of these tags that get both feuds into a single match as they’re as good of a way to save time as I can think of. Madison breaks up the momentum as we get a great back shot of Sarita. Rayne chokes away at Velvet while Tenay teases Tazz about a slip of the tongue that wasn’t funny.

Rayne keeps making sure Mickie can’t get in because she knows Mickie would destroy her. She does her mat humping move which rams Velvet’s head into the mat. Off to Sarita again with Velvet getting a jumping DDT to counter. Mickie comes in illegally and beats up the champion for awhile. While the referee tries to get her out, Tara pops Velvet with the elbow brace and a punch from Madison lets Sarita get the pin in 4:45.

Rating: C+. This was better than I expected actually. They played up both angles here and did it rather efficiently indeed. The girls looked good, the wrestling wasn’t bad and the angles were given a bit of time. I think I’ve talked myself into giving it a slightly higher grade. Not bad at all.

RVD is talking to Bischoff and he still wants Hardy. Eric gives him a match tonight but won’t say against who. RVD says ok and Hardy is next.

Rob Terry vs. Douglas Williams

Tazz touches on the former alliance here in some nice continuity. Shame that’s such a rarity in wrestling anymore. Doug tries to use some speed moves to start us off. Cravate sets up some knees to the head which Terry simply shrugs off. And here’s AJ to destroy Williams in maybe a minute. He slams Doug’s hand into the steps and post to destroy it before the PPV.

Bubba is heading to the parking lot.

Back with Bubba in the parking lot and D-Von is ready to go. Security holds them back while Bubba runs his mouth. They stay separated until Bubba gets a cheap shot. He says D-Von should think of himself and not show up Sunday for the sake of his kids.

Jarrett says he has a plan for Sunday and an insurance policy. Eric wants to have RVD taken care of tonight and makes a No DQ match which Jarrett seems happy with.

Abyss vs. Jay Lethal

We take a break before the match starts. This is non-title of course because you wouldn’t have a big guy like Abyss go after a title that has no weight limit right? Why would you want your monster to try to claim a title in a match that on paper shouldn’t be a challenge for him? Lethal uses lots of hit and run offense and gets a missile dropkick for two.

Abyss takes over with power but misses a quick splash in the corner. And never mind as the Black Hole Slam kills Lethal. Abyss pauses before covering though and pulls Lethal up at two. Apparently Immortal wants Abyss to soften up Lethal so that Kaz can take the title. Why not have Abyss take the title if he can destroy Lethal that easily? Anyway he chokes in the corner a bit too long and it’s a DQ at 3:40.

Rating: D+. Let’s see. Lethal more or less got destroyed, the lack of this being a title match makes little sense given that Bischoff said get all titles no matter what so there’s no reason to insist on having Kaz get it when Abyss easily could have apparently, and the match was way too short. Weak match.

Kaz comes out and has Abyss hold up Lethal so he can look him in the eye, even though he’s more or less dead.

We get a music video hyping up the PPV and running down the card.

There’s a sitdown interview with Morgan and Anderson which is almost all about the head injury. Morgan says Anderson should be careful while Anderson says wrestlers get injured. Morgan asks who has seen the paperwork saying Anderson is ok and Anderson says it’s none of his business. Tenay wants to know if Anderson is working everyone. Anderson says you’ll find out at Genesis. They stare each other down to end this.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Rob Van Dam

Remember this is No DQ. Jarrett tries to kick with RVD for no apparent reason. He hits what looked a bit like a Superman punch which is about all of his offense for the opening part of this match. Rolling Thunder is aborted as Jarrett hits the floor for a bit. He takes a few laps around the ring and comes back in to get knocked down again.

Murphy trips Van Dam up and Jarrett takes over. If it’s No DQ, why don’t they just come in and pummel him? After some more basic offense they do just that. RVD gets a chair but the numbers are too much for him. RVD fights them off for a bit but Hardy runs in for his cameo and the Twist of Hate ends this at about 5:30.

Rating: C. We’ll say this is right in the middle as they got the psychology correct by having Jarrett’s goons run in for the help somewhat shortly into this. Not a great match at all but the thinking worked and it was kind of entertaining. This was ok and it set up the ending stuff well enough.

Morgan comes out to save RVD as Hardy gets the chair. Anderson comes out and swings the chair, naturally hitting Morgan. He gets all ticked off to end the show.

Overall Rating: B-. The lack of wrestling hurt this a lot. This was a very good go home show that I would have put up probably a full letter higher if the in ring stuff had been more prolific and a bit better. Everything on the PPV got at least some time tonight and I’m kind of interested in what looks like a pretty weak PPV on paper. Not a great show in general, but a very good go home show.

Results
Motor City Machineguns b. Kazarian/AJ Styles – Sliced Bread #2 to Styles
Sarita/Madison Rayne b. Velvet Sky/Mickie James – Punch to Sky
Douglas Williams b. Rob Terry via DQ when AJ Styles interfered
Jay Lethal b. Abyss via DQ when Abyss refused to break a choke hold
Jeff Jarrett b. Rob Van Dam – Twist of Hate from Jeff Hardy

TNA Weekly PPV #1
Date: June 19, 2002
Location: Huntsville, Alabama
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Don West, Ed Ferrara

So since last night was the 3 hour Impact, I thought it was a good time to go back to the beginning and take a look at the origins of TNA. This was the Wednesday night series when once a week for 9.95 you could watch the NWA. It’s still the old school show at this point and this is literally their first show ever. No one knew it would one day become as big as it is now, but it amazingly is.

This is from about the time that Hogan is world champion in the WWF. Actually no he’s not as Taker would have it at this point, but Hogan is still around. Anyway, let’s take a look back at almost 8 years ago and see how TNA got its start.

The intro is of course about the old days of the NWA because everyone wants to see that right? Don West brings out Ed Ferrara, who looks almost exactly like Road Dogg. I saw him and thought it was him. He even sounds like him. Tenay welcomes us to the show as apparently we have to start with a legends ceremony. There will be a new world champion tonight in the first ever Gauntlet for the Gold. It’s a Royal Rumble but the last two have a singles match.

Oh I’m going to get sick of Ferrara.

JB, in a four sided ring of all things, introduces some legends. Harley Race, Dory Funk Jr., Jackie Fargo, Bullet Bob Armstrong, Corisca Joe and Sara Lee (who ARE these people?), Bill Behrens, who wants you to know he likes the NWA and if you don’t know, he’ll make sure to tell you, Ricky Steamboat (NOW we’re getting somewhere! He has the world title with him and they say it must be like old times for him to have it.

That would be the case if he held that one and not the big gold belt which he actually had). Steamboat addresses the crowd. There actually was a reason for this starting the show: something about a no show or something and they had to reschedule things. Steamboat says he’s the referee for the main event tonight.

Jeff Jarrett interrupts and says the main event is going to suck. Well ok then. He says it’s going to be stupid and then Mike Tenay just sounds like a moron by shouting answers at the questions that Jarrett asks. Jackie Fargo is annoying. He’s a legend, but he’s old. That’s the problem with the NWA: they believe that the fans care about these old guys that most of them have never heard of.

Apparently Fargo has matchmaking power and puts Jarrett in at number one. Ken Shamrock comes out and agrees it’s going to suck. Here’s Scott Hall. This feels like last night. Oh let’s reference the NWO again, because that’s SUCH a fresh idea. HALL says the battle royal will suck, but they have to do it so shut up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? They had the three biggest stars in the company say that the show is going to suck. You can’t script this kind of stuff.

Some chick named Goldilocks talks to a midget. Take that Hornswoggle bashers.

AJ Styles/Low Ki/Jerry Lynn vs. The Flying Elvises

You read that name right. They’re Jorge Estrada, Jimmy (Wang) Yang and Sonny Siaki. It’s original if nothing else. AJ looks YOUNG here. He’s just a regular guy. The legends in the back aren’t sure what to say. They point out that this isn’t about weight limits, even though other than Joe, no one with any weight has ever held the belt and he was about 5 years away. Ok so the Elvises are heels. Got it.

The faces hit dropkicks and ranas to start. It’s your standard spotfest to start and that’s fine. It’s a tried and true method to get the crowd going so there we are. Next week we have the X-Division Title tournament in a round robin tournament. Cool. I might do more or these but we’ll see. More or less everyone just shows off for awhile which is what they’re supposed to do.

The X Division has never been about stories but just insanity and that’s perfectly fine. We start the Elvis puns and I shake my head. For the life of me I’ll never get how the Honky Tonk Man got over as much as he did. We get an MMA reference before MMA was cool. Here’s AJ who looks about 17 here. Estrada kicks his head off so there we go. Lynn hits the Cradle Piledriver and it’s all breaking down. We get our first Pele kick. Yang hits a rotating moonsault to pin AJ which means nothing at this point.

Rating: B-. This was fine. There was no story and there wasn’t supposed to be. This was to get the crowd going and it did just that and more. It’s really short but that’s fine. No problems here, but DANG AJ looked like he was in high school or something.

Hollywood vs. Teo

Yes, it’s a midget match. The irony here is STUNNING. Oh Teo is an EXTREME midget. Apparently Rey Mysterio was originally asked to be a midget wrestler in Mexico. That has nothing to do with the mask but they talk about it anyway as they need to get references to WWE in there to give them credibility.

I have no idea what the point to this match is. Teo hits a splash from the top that wasn’t bad. Naturally the biggest spot in the match gets two. A top rope leg drops gives Teo the win. His name stands for Totally E. Outstanding. Oh dear goodness.

Rating: N/A. It’s like two minutes long and I’ll spare the it was too short jokes. I’ve never gotten the appeal of these matches but whatever.

Girls dance.

Ferrara and West get in the ring to announce a lingerie battle royal for next week. They bring out some of the women for next week, including Francine, Joanie (no clue who that is), Daffney (they say she used to be Daffney but now she’s Shannon), Alexis Laree (Mickie James, pre implants), Sasha (no clue but she’s ugly), a Ravens cheerleader named Erin, Elektra from ECW, Taylor Vaughn (who is apparently familiar but I don’t know her) and some chick named Tarita.

This is just an eye candy segment but not a very good one. Mickie looks WAY different, to the point where I had trouble picking her out of a line. Francine and Elektra argue and it’s apparent why they never talked. They actually blame Francine for ECW going bankrupt. A guy would wind up winning the battle royal.

There’s a guy named Mortimer Plumtree. I can’t make this up. He’s a teacher apparently, just not a very good one. He would actually wind up managing AJ for awhile. He has a tag team that we don’t see. Oh wait it’s the Johnsons.

Johnsons vs. Psicosis/James Storm

Yes, it’s the tag team that wear masks and full body suits and look like human phalluses. This team actually exists. Storm looks completely different too and it’s not a good thing either. Storm fires off some cap guns. Good for him. OH MAN he looks young. Apparently their names are Richard and Rod, or Dick and Rod. I hate this already. Ryan Shamrock comes out looking hot to watch them.

And now it devolves into nothing but the expected jokes. They say Psicosis’ real name for absolutely no apparent reason. Ryan Shamrock, called Alicia, still is there. Storm hits a rana and a very good one at that. They say Storm could be great. Not really but he’s not bad. And then he gets pinned off a bad TKO.

Rating: D+. This was just pointless. It’s like they have nothing but the main event and they know it. This was just freaking awful. The jokes were completely pointless and annoying. I have no clue what they were going for here but whatever.

The referee gives Ryan Shamrock money.

The Dupps, a hillbilly team, torment Goldilocks. They and some chick try to drink beer but some random guy says not to. Ok then.

Two NASCAR guys are here for the sake of being NASCAR guys. Ron Killings (R-Truth) show up to interrupt them. Of course he’s a heel because he hates NASCAR and says it’s not a sport. Brian Christopher of all people shows up and beats up R-Truth. Naturally a match is set up for next week. Oh and his name is K-Krush here. Dang they got that one right eventually.

Jeff Jarrett harasses a 71 year old man. Thanks for killing another 15 seconds.

Christian York/Joey Matthews vs. The Dupps

The Dupps are named Stan and Bo. Stan Dupp. Oh dear. Their cousin is both of their girlfriends. I hate this gimmick already. The faces are your standard face cruiserweight tag team. They have a ton of charisma if nothing else, but they’re just generic. Ferrara needs to fall in a hole. After the faces dominate for about two minutes the girl interferes to crotch York for the pin.

Rating: F-. This was a waste of 4 minutes of my life. The heels had NO offense but they win on a fluke anyway. That’s just crap but of course it’s what they went with here. I hated this and they could have used it for ANYTHING else.

Toby Keith has one of his music videos played and then sings live. That’s completely pointless again but it’s considered an epic moment. Jarrett interrupts him and we start the battle royal now.

NWA World Title: Gauntlet for the Gold

Royal Rumble with 90 second clocks and then a singles match at the end. Jarrett is first and second is Buff Bagwell. Bagwell hits the Blockbuster and then is thrown out. Before the 90 seconds are up they have the next guy come in to avoid the clock just ticking away. I like that. Lash Leroux of all people is second. Just end this now. He’s out in about 45 seconds and Norman Smiley is 4th of 20.

There goes Norman after about a minute. This is just pointless. Apollo, a Puerto Rican wrestler with a great look is 5th. K-Krush is 6th and he saves Jarrett. Actually he doesn’t but the announcers say he does. This is just mindless stuff as nothing of note is happening and it’s just random stuff to fill in time, which is how you could describe the whole show to be fair. Oh hey let’s make fun of Toby Keith even more.

Tenay is TICKED that the heels are working together for no apparent reason. Slash, with James Mitchell who has a stable that we haven’t heard from until now, is 7th. He’s one half of PG-13 who was a big deal in Memphis and nowhere else. Jarrett saves him for no apparent reason. Must be a Tennessee thing. Del Rios who is another big guy is next. He’s a former USWA (Memphis) champion. He’s a Scott Steiner lookalike and they even point that out.

He’s better known as Phantasio, which is a guy that Monkey is a mark for. He was a wrestling magician of all things which somehow evolved into Papa Shango but was given to the guy that played him instead. Oh come on he’s even got the Superman S on his tights. Some guy from NWA Wildside, a former WCW farm territory, is 9th. The clock is off the screen now and the times are getting longer. Konnan is 10th.

Every guy has their resume read with as many WCW, WWF and ECW references as we can get in there. He beats up everyone and is over as free beer in a frat house. We really need some eliminations. Joel Gertner who has lost about 100lbs brings out Bruce from a team called the Rainbow Express. Yes it’s a gay tag team and Billy and Chuck are a big deal at the moment. No coincidence there at all.

He’s Kwee Wee from WCW if you’re wondering. He’s the guy that wins the battle royal next week. MAYBE 15 seconds later, Rick Steiner comes out. Slash is out. There goes Justice who looks like a combination of Rhyno and one of the Pitbulls and now Rick goes after Jarrett. Malice (The Wall from WCW) is 13th. He chokeslams everyone in sight. Ok with Konnan it’s more like a chokeshove.

Truth makes up for it though by going WAY into the air. There goes Bruce, Truth, Del Rios, Konnan and Steiner are gone, leaving us with Malice, Apollo and Jarrett. Scott Hall is 14th to a huge pop and they actually give him a resume too, like he needs it. He’s the Outlaw now for no apparent reason. Hall hits a Razor’s Edge on Jarrett and here’s Toby Keith to suplex Jarrett and throw him out.

Oh how I hate singers trying to be wrestlers and failing so badly at getting people to care. Hall actually throws Jarrett out to make it count for the ridiculous NWA. Chris Harris is 15th and no one cares as no one knows who he is. Vampire Warrior (Gangrel) runs out early and beats up Harris. Ferrara will not shut up about Jarrett and I’m sick of him in ways I didn’t think were humanly possible.

Devon Storm, more commonly known as Crowbar from WCW, is next. The second biggest star in this match is Gangrel. That says the whole thing. Steve Cornio is 18th as I can’t believe this made it 5 weeks. Ken Shamrock is the penultimate entrant and he suplexes a lot of people. Brian Christopher, who should give his father 20% of every dollar he ever makes in wrestling because he never would have made a dime otherwise. A ton of people go out in succession and all by Christopher. Yes, they had him be a force.

The final five are Shamrock who is almost unrecognizable, Christopher (out before I finish his name), Malice, Apollo and Hall. Malice puts out everyone not named Shamrock, so it’s Ken Shamrock vs. the Wall for the world title. You read that right. This is just garbage as he survives the ankle lock for about 40 seconds before walking around just fine. A belly to belly ends a five minute nightmare.

Rating: F+. This was just a trainwreck. We had Brian Christopher, Gangrel, Lash Leroux and Norman Smiley in the main event. Let that sink in for a bit. Also, Shamrock beats the Wall for the title. Why not Hall, who people at least know? This was just a mess, much like the whole show. I have no idea what the point here was but it was bad. This was ¼ of the show, and that’s just unacceptable. The booking was off the wall as SHAMROCK, who hadn’t been seen in about two years and looked awful, gets the belt.

Jackie Fargo, who looks and sounds older than his 71, wants to fight Jarrett who wants to fight Toby Keith but Scott Hall fights Jarrett next week. They brawl to end this mess.

Overall Rating: D-. And that’s being generous. This was awful on all levels as nothing of note happens with the main event was just a trainwreck. When the three biggest names you have all say the main event is stupid, it hurts things badly. There is zero flow to this and if I didn’t know better, I would have bet on this not making it three months.

They changed things up a lot and it got a ton better, namely when Russo and a ton of other guys showed up to replace guys like the Dupps and the jokes in the main event. Definitely stay away from this one as it’s awful.

NXT
Date: January 4, 2011
Location: Tucson Convention Center, Tucson, Arizona
Commentators: Todd Grisham, Josh Matthews

It’s the first elimination week for this season which is the best thing that could have happened as the show is being dragged down by the awful guys they have on here.  I can’t imagine it’s not O’Brian or Novak that is gone tonight.  I fell asleep before the show came on so this is being written after the show and I had it spoiled for me by accident although I can’t say I was stunned with the result.  Let’s get to it.

We open with a montage of the rookies interacting with their pros and how it’s the first elimination tonight.  Nothing we don’t know in other words.

Wow these guys have been wild and young for awhile now.  Shouldn’t it be tamed and older by now?

Striker is on the stage with the rookies and announces that the winner will get a tag title show with their pro.  Tonight there is a Pro’s Challenge in the form of a battle royal.  The winning pro will have the option of trading their pro if they so choose.  Cool.  Before we start though, Ricardo Rodriguez comes out and offers to take Alberto’s spot for some reason.  Ok then.

Battle Royal

Immediately Bryan picks Ricardo up and puts him in an airplane spin for a mind blowing 30 seconds.  The other pros stand around and cheer Bryan on, saying how long can you do that for.  Truth takes mercy on Ricardo and throws him out.  It’s DiBiase, Bryan, Masters, Ziggler and Truth in there if you’re not familiar with the Pros.  Ziggler puts out Bryan and shouts that Bryan has no idea how good that felt.

DiBiase gets a low bridge to put Truth out.  Sorry for the lack of commentary here as it’s hard to talk about battle royals.  Masters tries to put DiBiase out so Ziggler comes up behind them and dumps both guys out to win at 3:50.  Yeah it was rather short but I think that was the point.

Rating: C. Yeah there wasn’t much to this at all so we’ll just call it right in the middle.  Ziggler more or less dominated this, getting rid of three of the five eliminations including the second biggest star in the match in Bryan.  It was way too short to get a fair grade so the C isn’t saying it was average but more along the lines of I have no idea if it was good or not.

Ziggler talks about how he never liked Novak and trades him for Saxton.  That’s certainly an upgrade.  Then again the coat is more valuable than Novak so it’s not like an upgrade is hard in this case.  Novak vs. Saxton next.

Byron Saxton vs. Jacob Novak

Novak starts off all aggressive prompting a funny reaction from Ziggler who shouts WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU WERE WITH ME?  This is rather boring and the crowd certainly seems to agree with me on that point.  Ziggler keeps screaming things at Saxton and is definitely the most entertaining part of the match.  Novak is one of the least interesting characters I’ve seen in a very long time.

There’s nothing interesting about him at all and his time on offense here is putting me to sleep, which is saying a lot as I slept for a long time earlier tonight.  Saxton makes a comeback while Dolph tells Novak that he sucks.  This match is setting records for clotheslines used.  Saxton reverses a suplex into….uh….I’m not sure to call it.  He hooked a Tazmission looking hold and rocked Novak forward and then backwards into a mat slam with Saxton sitting out the other way.  It was pretty stupid if you didn’t get that but it ended this at approximately 5:40.

Rating: D-. Just boring beyond belief here and it took me a long time to sit through the nearly six minutes this received.  Saxton would definitely be better suited as a mouthpiece or a backstage character as he doesn’t have much to offer in the ring.  Very bad match and dull beyond belief.

Curtis is talking to Truth about how they can work together as a wolf pack roaming through the Arizona desert.  Truth doesn’t know what Curtis is talking about and Curtis isn’t sure either.  Curtis vs. Clay is later.

Raw Rebound is about the cage match and doesn’t mention the whole WORLD TITLE MATCH or anything like that.  Not important at all.

We get a clip of the way too excited Bateman talking to Bryan.  Bateman offers his advice on the love triangle with the Bellas because he was called Dr. Love in high school.  Bryan: “No you weren’t.”  Bateman: “Ok no I wasn’t but I still know what I’m talking about.”  Funny stuff.  There’s a double date next week.  Bateman says they’re about chicks and AMERICA, as he pulls a random flag out from behind him.  I’m liking this guy a bit more every week.

Ziggler and Saxton affirm their love for each other with Ziggler telling Saxton to stay away from Vickie which is no issue.  There’s a battle of the mic competition later.  Apparently it’s next.

Time for the Battle of the Mic.  To update the immunity point standings:

Curtis: 5
Bateman: 3
Novak: 1
Saxton: 1
O’Brian: 0
Clay: 0

Good thing Clay has that thing called talent to get him through this safely.  Naturally this is worth four points so that the previous weeks mean far less.  Basically this is a talk-off.  First up is Clay vs. Curtis.  Clay talks about how funny it was to see Curtis go through that table last week at him hands.  Curtis says it was funny that time when he hit Clay in the mouth, which hasn’t happened.  Curtis naturally pops him in the mouth.  The crowd picks Curtis and Brodus is eliminated.

Bateman vs. Saxton is next.  Bateman says that Saxton’s voice destroyed ECW and says that Saxton is the lovechild of Carlton Banks and a shorter Carlton Banks.  Saxton’s reply is that no matter what, he’s still better than Bateman.  Both of these were really bad and Saxton is out.

Novak vs. O’Brian is next and I need a stiff drink.  Novak talks about the rat thing and plays up the whole rat thing.  O’Brian makes a bunch of stupid jokes but the delivery is definitely better.  O’Brian wins this by a mile as he definitely should.

Round 2 is where you have to insult both guys.  Curtis makes fun of Bateman’s haircut.  He says he likes rats so he has nothing to make fun of for O’Brian.  Striker likes rats too.

Bateman says that Curtis looks like he belongs on To Catch a Predator.  Conor is a lot like Conan, minus the talent.

O’Brian makes Your Mama jokes and somehow these are the funniest lines in the whole thing.  O’Brian wins it and he actually should have.  Curtis has the immunity points lead still though.

Johnny Curtis vs. Brodus Clay

Remember that Curtis hit Clay just a few minutes ago.  Clay runs him over to start and the beating is on.  Curtis gets him to the floor where DiBiase yells at the big man a bit.  Brodus uses some of those supelxes to take over.  I like this guy pretty well I think and he’s definitely the most interesting guy on this season as I’ve said before.  Clay keeps using basic power and we hit a nerve hold.

This is such a change in night and day as compared to the other one on one match as the fans are into this and there’s an energy here that is very refreshing.  Curtis fights his way up and takes out the knee and hits a spinwheel kick to take over.  A top rope shot to the head gets two.  For some reason he goes after DiBiase though and a Tongan Death Grip Slam (more or less a chokeslam) gets Brodus the clean pin at 3:32.

Rating: C+. Not a great match at all but the energy in it was really fun.  Brodus is very fun to watch as he mixes things up very nicely out there.  The Tongan Death Grip is a move I wouldn’t mind seeing dusted off and who better than Clay to use it?  Decent match and one of the more entertaining ones so far this season.

Post match Striker asks Clay what fuels him and he says it’s because he’s tired of being cast aside and is the marathon….whatever that means.  Elimination is up next.

Curtis says that Clay should go home tonight.  To the shock of absolutely no one, Novak is gone first.  It’s a crushing blow but he got to have this be a learning experience.  Ziggler makes fun of him almost the whole time which is rather funny.  The next elimination is in two weeks and the points are set to zero.

Ziggler makes fun of Masters again and does his pose thing.  Since apparently hitting him in the back is too complex for Masters he tries the full nelson on him and the IC Champion escapes to end the show.

Overall Rating: C+. Better show than previous weeks by miles and miles, but the most important thing is that Novak is gone.  Everyone else compared to him is a great save for maybe O’Brian so that’s a nice break indeed.  Aside from Novak’s match there wasn’t anything completely horrid here so this was overall a decent enough show.  Two weeks can’t get here soon enough to get rid of rat boy though, despite him showing some decent delivery here tonight.

Monday Night Raw
Date: January 3, 2011
Location: University of Phoenix Stadium, Phoenix, Arizona
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Michael Cole

It’s the first show of the year and we have a huge main event in the form of Miz vs. Morrison in a falls count anywhere match for the WWE Title. Apparently that’s going to be opening the show which kind of negates the whole main event thing. Also we’ll get to see the next step in the Punk vs. Cena feud. Let’s get to it.

Theme song opens us up.

Raw World Title: The Miz vs. John Morrison

No Lawler due to the beatdown last week by Miz. Morrison takes down Riley to start and we hit the floor very quickly. Morrison fights both guys off and comes off the top of the big W with a huge cross body for two. Back to the ring as that was a very quick segment up there. Missile dropkick gets two for the challenger. The running knee gets two also as Riley interferes. Morrison DESTROYS Riley and we take a break as the paramedics attend to him.

Back with Miz setting up a piece of railing up against the stage. He can’t suplex Morrison through it for awhile but Morrison tries one too many counters and winds up taking a backdrop into it for two. Back towards the ring again with Miz in control. They slug it out in the ring with Morrison taking over again.

Morrison gets Miz down and goes for Starship Pain. Miz rolls out of the way and gets the Reality Check for two. He charges but rams into the post. Starship Pain hits for two and a big kick sends Miz to the floor. Morrison sets up a table and goes for Starship Pain off the top through the table. The champion moves and the table more or less explodes in an awesome looking spot. That somehow only gets two and Miz is ticked off. The Skull Crushing Finale on the floor ends this clean at approximately 22:00.

Rating: B+. This was a good brawl and a solid back and forth match. I’m not sure if I get the point of having Morrison use his title shot on the first show of the year rather than the Rumble but there’s time to see what they’ve got planned I suppose. This had some good spots and there were a few moments of possibility that the title could change hands. Good stuff but it never hit the level they wanted it to I don’t think.

There’s a #1 contenders match later in a cage.

Back with a new backstage interviewer who is with Miz. Miz goes on about how he’s WWE Champion and is still awesome.

We recap the Natalya vs. Melina issues with Cole saying Natalya needs to get over it.

Melina/Maryse/Alicia Fox vs. Natalya/Brie Bella/Eve Torres

Quick break between the intros. Those are some lackluster partners for Natalya. Maryse and Brie brawl to start with Maryse controlling. Brie is sent to the floor and the twins switch under the ring. Off to Natalya and Alicia and Natalya is more concerned with getting at Melina than Alicia. Butterfly suplex puts Alicia down and Natalya goes after Melina. The champion gets clotheslined over the top rope and here’s Melina officially. Natalya drills her with a spinning forearm and brings in Eve. Not much of a showdown there. Eve hits a spinning neckbreaker to end it at approximately 3:00.

Rating: D+. I’m not sure what the point was to having Natalya be all about getting to Melina and then having them be in at the same time for maybe 4 seconds. The Twin Magic was incredibly quick and didn’t serve much purpose at all. I’m not sure what the actual point to this was but it didn’t work that well.

Uso Brothers vs. Santino Marella/Vladimir Kozlov

Pretty sure this is non-title but I’m not sure. Vladimir and I believe Jimmy start us off. After some brief Russian dominance we’re off to Santino to a big pop. This is looking like a squash so far. I’m glad they’ve giving Santino some real offense such as the sambo stuff. Back to Kozlov and the crowd dies almost immediately.

The Usos take over with basic jobber offense for a little while. Santino comes back in and cleans a few rooms. He isn’t doing enough to classify it as cleaning house you see. Kozlov comes back in illegally to try and help out his partner by growling at an Uso. Somehow this works but Kozlov winds up getting sent to the floor. Vlad gets stuck on the ropes for a bit so Santino has to finish shoving him over. Santino sets for the Cobra but walks into a Samoan Drop for the surprising pin at 4:02.

Post match Tamina and Santino hit a double Cobra on Jey. You never would know they had just lost the match based on how well they’re taking it.

Rating: D. Pretty ugly match here with the crowd completely dying when Santino wasn’t in there. The Usos aren’t exactly an interesting team but they’re better than nothing I suppose. It gives them actual challengers which they’ve been needing since they won the belts. Weak match though.

Tough Enough is officially coming back. Oh joy.

Punk is on his way to the ring.

Back from a break with the new leader of Nexus. Punk says he loves being in Phoenix and that he’s been bust all day looking for Cena. He couldn’t find him anywhere though and that he, ahem, couldn’t see him. Cena isn’t here this week because of Punk and what happened last week.

Punk talks about being a leader of men and that Nexus saw this and they almost begged him to be their new leader. We see a clip of the Nexus beatdown from last week and Punk’s GTS. Punk talks about hustle, loyalty and respect and how it’s just a catchphrase to Cena but to Punk it’s very real. Cena can’t win this fight and Punk is taking over both Nexus and Monday Night Raw.

Here’s Wade Barrett who isn’t thrilled with this at all. Barrett says that Cena isn’t here because of a beating he gave Cena in a match in Pennsylvania earlier in the week which is true kind of. Barrett also says he’s the leader of Nexus, not Punk. Punk says Nexus needed new management and now has it. Wade says that Punk is a liar, including about being straightedge.

Punk says let’s ask Nexus who the liar is and Barrett agrees, calling down the troops. I like how they come out in the V formation like an army. We get an E-Mail almost immediately and tonight there’s are three participants in a match in the cage for the title shot at the Rumble. It’s Barrett vs. Punk vs. Sheamus vs. Orton. They finally have something that looks like an e-mail on the screen too. Ah apparently only Barrett or Punk can be in the cage.

Barrett says he’ll take the spot as the leader of the Nexus. Punk says take it as he’s a talker not a fighter. If Barrett wins the match then Punk will work for him and Barrett can be the leader. If Barrett loses he’s out of Nexus and Punk is officially the leader.

Del Rio is here? Nice surprise. I love that car he’s in which is a red and white Chevy from the 1967. He says it’s his destiny to be world champion and that he’ll show that tonight. It’s his destiny to win the Rumble and be in the main event at Wrestlemania. R-Truth apparently disagrees. Truth says that Alberto’s destiny is to go back where he came from.

Alberto Del Rio vs. R-Truth

Truth dominates early on with his usual unorthodox offense. A clothesline puts Alberto on the floor almost immediately and a dive over the top puts Del Rio down as we take a break. Back with Truth hammering away on Alberto in the corner. Del Rio gets in a shot to break the momentum and hits a Codebreaker onto the arm.

Off to an armbar as we talk about how Del Rio has taken out various people on the Smackdown roster and wants to take out more. Truth tries to fight back but can’t do his flip out of the corner due to the arm. A modified arm drag gets two and it’s back to the arm. Truth manages to send Alberto to the floor and starts taking over with his one good arm. And never mind as Alberto sends his arm into the post and the Cross Armbreaker (with very little torque on it at all) ends this clean in 10:00.

Rating: C+. Better than I expected here given that R-Truth is a guy I can’t get into at all. Del Rio gets another nice win to further his push even more which is something he needs, especially before his big match with Rey on Friday. Nice little match here with Truth being able to hang in there for awhile but at the end being overwhelmed in the end.

Barrett talks to Nexus and says that he can make each and every one of them champions like he did Slater and Gabriel. Punk comes up and calls out Barrett when Barrett says Punk is using Nexus for his own gain. Punk says they’re all pulling for him. Barrett leaves and Punk shakes all of their hands.

Over to Orton who says last year meant nothing and that the only thing he cared about was Miz cashing in. Orton says he was FAR too nice as he actually held back a bit and didn’t punt Jericho. He says that nice guys finish last and implies that isn’t happening anymore.

Cage match is next.

Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus

In a cage and the winner gets Miz at the Rumble. We’re going old school here as it’s escape only. Cena might be back next week. BIG pop for Orton. Sheamus and Orton beat down Barrett early on but Sheamus tries to run away, only to be stopped by Orton. Barrett takes over off the distraction and goes for Wasteland which is acknowledged as the move that injured Cena. Orton tries to escape to no avail.

Sheamus tries to escape to complete the set of people trying to get out. Orton almost goes through the door but turns back around to coil up in front of the other two. Cole says Orton couldn’t have made it out, but it was pretty clear he could have. Odd indeed and we take a break.

Back with Orton almost all the way out until Sheamus makes the save. Barrett helps to finally pull him back in and the two evildoers take over again. Orton tries for the elevated DDT on Sheamus but has to stop to keep Barrett from getting out. He tries for a double elevated DDT but Barrett fights out of it. Sheamus blocks as well and sends Orton into the steel.

Orton gets taken down by the two UK dudes but since one is Irish and one is British they start fighting amongst themselves. Barrett goes up but slips, allowing Orton to make another save. Superplex puts Barrett down as are Orton and Sheamus. Sheamus gets up and beats the tar out of Barrett but can’t get through the door thanks to Orton.

Barrett sends Sheamus into the cage multiple times and adds a pump handle slam. Orton is back up though and gets taken down almost immediately by a Boss Man Slam. Barrett tries to escape but Sheamus slows him down. Wade kicks him down but instead of going out he tries a top rope elbow which gets knees. Sheamus doesn’t take the chance to get out either and gets taken down by Orton’s clotheslines.

Powerslams to both guys and the Angle Slam to Sheamus. Elevated DDT to Barrett but Sheamus slows Randy down. They slug it out on the top rope until Barrett kicks said rope to crotch both guys. Both guys are down now after a pair of big boots. Barrett is the only person up so he tries to climb out. Here’s Punk though, climbing into the cage and offering his hand. He’d help a lot better to just open the door for him but whatever.

Barrett takes his hand but Punk goes all Scar to Barrett’s Mufasa and pulls the armband off and shoves Barrett back into the ring. Sheamus puts Orton down and the door is open. And of course there’s the RKO to Sheamus so that Orton can go through the door at 19:40 to get the title shot at the Rumble. Oh joy.

Rating: A-. I liked this better than the opener actually. The escape only worked very well and it does two things as it sets up the PPV and gets Barrett out of Nexus (not mentioned at all post match). This was a more old school style with the false finishes and saves. I like the lack of pinning as it makes it feel more about survival than winning. Very good match to close out Raw.

Overall Rating: B+. Well you certainly can’t complain about a lack of wrestling here with two very good matches that both ran about twenty minutes.  Throw in a ten minute Alberto match and you’re looking at nearly an hour of wrestling on a two hour and ten minute show.  This was fun stuff as we’re in Rumble mode now and things are starting to click.  Good stuff here, although I’m not looking forward to Miz vs. Orton at all.

Results

The Miz b. John Morrison – Skull Crushing Finale

Natalya/Brie Bella/Eve Torres b. Melina/Maryse/Alicia Fox – Spinning neckbreaker to Melina

Uso Brothers b. Vladimir Kozlov/Santino Marella – Samoan Drop to Marella

Alberto Del Rio b. R-Truth – Cross Armbreaker

Randy Orton b. Sheamus and Wade Barrett – Orton escaped the cage

Sorry for not having anything up yesterday as I fell asleep watching football.  Here you are.

Enter the Dragon
Date: September 4, 2009
Location: The Arena, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Commentators: Lenny Leonard, Chikarason, Mike Quackenbush

Ok, so a lot of you likely don’t know what this is. In short, this is my latest attempt to shut X up. He’s raved about this Dragon Gate USA company for months now and it’s been the hottest thing on the indy scene for like 8 months or something so I figured I’d pop in the first PPV and see if it’s worth anything. I should note that I have no idea who most of these people are so don’t expect an incredibly in depth analysis. Also it’s less than two hours long so I can’t review much since there isn’t much to review. Let’s get to this.

Dawn Marie is the hostess/ring announcer. Well at least it’s nice to look at. We go straight to the first match.

BxB Hulk vs. YAMATO

Now Hulk is the main guy from this promotion it seems as he won the title at the next PPV. He has thunder sticks and fairly hot dancing girls. Ok then. Apparently the x is silent or something. Makes no sense but whatever. The production values are pretty good actually which is a nice surprise. Yamato (Not doing the stupid capitalization thing. It’s pronounced the same) looks pretty clearly to be the heel here.

Nice technical sequence to start us out which is nice. The whole lack of lights does little to give me confidence in the attendance, but for a debut show I can understand that. This is definitely a smart promotion as they list off a ton of Japanese stables that we’re just expected to recognize. Yamato goes for the leg so maybe that’ll gives us something in the area of psychology. Hey let’s brawl on the floor a bit. No one has ever seen that before!

Hulk gets caught in a leg lock and the BB HULK chants are rapidly getting annoying. So he can’t run across the ring on his bad leg but he can do all kinds of kicks and flips. Got it. Yeah all the knee work is just gone now with no apparent question about it. In a nice cover, Yamato hooks the legs so that after the kickout he can go straight to a cloverleaf. And now he TICKS ME OFF by using a crossface because it’s his finisher.

Pay no attention to the total lack of back or neck work. It’s his finisher so instead of using all the leg stuff, let’s go for the finisher that isn’t softened up at all. That my friends is what gets on my nerves about a lack of psychology. If he’s going to use the crossface that’s fine but WHY WORK ON THE LEG IF YOU’RE GOING FOR A NECK SUBMISSION? Oh and his leg is fine all of a sudden again.

EVO, which is an Emerald Flosion, gets a 4 or so as this referee has a weird style of counting. His foot was on the rope though so it’s not like it matters. A big flip splash misses but it would have missed by AT LEAST five feet. He was in the corner and the splash landed in the middle of the ring. That looked awful. Plus Jimmy Wang can do a much better looking one of those.

Hulk gets a big spin kick to the back of his head. Naturally Yamato just shakes it off and puts on a sleeper. The lack of selling is getting old. A reverse sitout piledriver (How Owen broke Austin’s neck) with a different kind of lift gets the pin for Yamato.

Rating: D+. This was a spotfest and not a very good one. Was it exciting? Yes it was. Was it back and forth? Yes it was. Did it make much sense? Nope. Was it overrated as hel;? Yes it was.

We go to the back to see one of the main event guys. We get some mini bios on the two guys. THIS is what is needed here. This is the debut PPV. We more than likely don’t know who most of these people are, so short bios of who they are and their history is NICE. Short version: Naruki Doi is a young kid that has taken the company by storm and Shingo is the top star over there.

Doi took Shingo’s title and tonight is a non-title rematch for respect more or less. FINE. That right there is all I need. I know their names, I know a little bit about each guy, and I know why these two are fighting and why they’re in the main event. WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED???

2 Cold Scorpio and Ken Doane had a dark match at this point. Yes, the Kenny Dykstra that so many people want back in WWF is in a dark match at the debut of an indy PPV. That’s just amusing.

Soldier Ant/Fire Ant/Mike Quackenbush/Jigsaw vs. Icarus/Gran Akuma/Amasis/Hallowicked

This is all CHIKARA here which is a promotion that appeals to me as it’s so over the top and insane that it stops trying to be real wrestling which makes it awesome. I have no idea who most of these people are, so I’m really not going to try to keep track of who is who. I know the main storyline in CHIKARA that came after this and it involves mind control with a mystical object so there you are.

Quackenbush is more or less God in that company so he’ll be the focus of the match. I kind of like Dawn Marie’s style. She just says the names. Simple yet effective I suppose. This is the home promotion for this arena so these guys are very familiar. All four of the faces, the first team listed, get chants. For example, two of these people are insects and one of the heels dances a lot.

Mike trained all of them so that’s fun. CHIKARA seems like a show that is pure fun. Looks like lucha rules as when you hit the floor your partner can come in. This is more acrobatic stuff, meaning not a lot of actual pain but rather high spots. Or as Lawler called it, psychological damage. Scratch that as Soldier Ant takes a massive powerbomb. That works. Soldier Ant is taking a freaking beating.

Mike gets the hot tag and we crank it up a bit. Jigsaw and Icarus do some solid stuff which is nice looking indeed. In the words of a wrestler more famous than all 8 of these guys, this is the part where we crank it up, let’s crank it up. High spots a go-go begins and the fans are way into it all of a sudden. After about a dozen near falls (likely too few), the faces just go insane with dives and flips before Jigsaw hits the same kind of piledriver that Kazarian uses to get the pin. He calls it the Jig and Tonic. Clever.

Rating: B+. This wasn’t technically sound, it wasn’t coherent, it wasn’t logical. What it was though was FUN. What you had here was 8 guys just going out there and having a blast. They weren’t trying to have a traditional match, they weren’t trying to be the best wrestlers in the world or have some big deep storyline. They were having fun and giving the crowd something to cheer for. THIS is what TNA needs if it wants to be competitive. Not everything has to be so serious and of epic proportions. I’d watch this again.

Quackenbush gets on the mic and says that CHIKARA and DGUSA works really well together, but we should really thank Jorge Rivera, who trained everyone here tonight. Cool. He issues an open challenge: anyone from Dragon Gate vs. any guy from CHIKARA. Again, this is something that there needs to be more of.

Yamato, the guy from earlier comes out. He says something in Japanese (apparently more or less saying screw Rivera, it’s our time) and kicks Mike low. Jigsaw and Akuma make the save but Akuma helps Yamato and it’s a big beat down. Faces come out to make the save. Naturally there was a tag match at the next PPV.

Dragon Kid vs. Masato Yoshino

Ok then. Yoshino is popular. Very popular actually. Both have people with them. Ok then. Oh the guy with Dragon Kid is Shingo. Got it. Apparently this is a big rivalry and has been for a few years. Dragon Kid is on a three match losing streak and broke Yoshino’s neck in the last match. See what a little exposition gives you? That information took 8 seconds to say and I’m perfectly satisfied with it.

Oh and the other guy in the corner is Shingo’s opponent tonight. This is another fast paced one. If nothing else I like that they don’t try to make things about themselves as they regularly use common names for moves such as the 619. Everyone else is going to call it that so why over complicate things? Apparently these are the two most exciting guys in Dragon Gate. Good to know. Let them prove it. Yoshino goes for Kid’s arm. Better than the leg if nothing else. Kid hits a 619.

Remember kids: this is NEVER BEFORE SEEN STUFF. It’s so never before seen we already have names for the stuff! Apparently Dragon Kid has a move called Jesus. Nothing tricky there or anything. It’s just called Jesus. That’s either very stupid or awesome and I’m not sure which.

The difference here with the first match though is that while we had arm work earlier, Dragon Kid is having trouble with his offense because HIS ARM HURTS. See? Is that too much to ask for? Seriously? They hit a ton of high spots and we get an arm bar. I think it was on Dragon Kid but I’m not sure. Kid hits an Ultra Hurricanrana (West Coast Pop with a front flip) for the pin. Yeah he used a 619 and a modified West Coast Pop for the pin. Yeah he’s really innovative.

Rating: B-. Not bad but not the classic they tried to make it seem like. It’s far better than the first match if nothing else. If nothing else the arm injury stayed around this time which is one of my biggest issues with most wrestling, either indy or mainstream. This was fine for what it was though.

Young Bucks vs. CIMA/Susumu Yokosuka

Heard of CIMA, not so much on the other guy. Young Bucks are more commonly known as Generation ME in TNA. CIMA gets in a fight with some streamers. That’s rather amusing. Four faces here it seems. Quackenbush is on commentary now. THANKFULLY Quackenbush says it’s not about him and it’s about the four guys in the ring. Wow that’s nice to hear. The Bucks go insane with tags. They’re just fun to watch.

The non-Americans are in control at the moment. Matt gets the heck beaten out of him for a good while. He tries to Hulk Up but gets kicked down. That was nice. They bust out some of the stuff you would see Generation ME do at Destination X. Nice to see them adapt it. After a few tons of near falls, More Bang For Your Buck (450 followed immediately by a moonsault) ends it.

Rating: B+. Another match that was just about getting people excited. There’s no flow or structure to it and there wasn’t supposed to be. There were some great double team moves in there. It’s very entertaining. It’s not great wrestling at all, but it’s great entertainment which is what this was supposed to be so I’ll give it that.

We go to the main event guys’ dressing rooms. The title isn’t on the line. Is there a reason that it’s not?

Naruki Doi vs. Shingo

I still don’t get the whole lack of title on the line here, but I’m sure it has something to do with some overly complicated system of earning a title shot and tradition or something like that. Shingo is strong. Good to know. Long feeling out process which is fine as they have a lot of time to play with. I like Shingo to an extent I think.

Doi works over the knee and we get a Figure Four. In a nice move after getting out of the hold he grabs a fast powerbomb and immediately falls with his knee. It was fast enough to buy I guess, but it was a bit shaky as far as psychology goes. They chop the living heck out of each other and they might be the loudest sequence of them I’ve ever heard. Great ones indeed. Shingo shakes his leg a bit to sell the injury. Nicely done.

In a cool moment, he hooks a British Bulldog suplex and the fans count the seconds he holds him for, which winds up at 30. According to Mike, the chops that are quiet that hurt worst. Why should I listen to that? Because Quackenbush is a wrestler. Lawler and Taz need to let us know that more often. We’re into the segment of let’s do big moves over and over again until we get to a pin.

Shingo kills him with a lariat but it just gets two. Doi hits his finisher, a running boot to the face when the guy is on one knee. It’s better than it sounds. Another one sets up a Tiger Suplex for two. Shingo starts no selling kicks to the FACE. How is that possible? The Muscular Bomb, which is like a wheelbarrow slam into a rollup where the guy lands on his head, ends this. Solid ending. Oh Doi got the win. Might be important information.

Rating: B. This was a different kind of match but it worked all the same. There was far more of a slow build here and that made things work much better for me. The ending was great with Doi just beating the heck out of Shingo until he finally went down. Solid match, although I have no clue why it was non-title if Doi was going to win.

Overall Rating: B. First match aside, this was fun. See what happens when you explain what’s going on in Puro to fans like me? It gets a lot better. Now this isn’t something I’d want to see weekly, but once in awhile would be fine. This came off pretty well I think though and they did a good job of introducing things to the audience. I liked it and it could work well for an every other month thing. Not bad at all.

Seems appropriate around this time of the very new year.

New Year’s Revolution 2006
Date: January 8, 2006
Location: Pepsi Arena, Albany, New York
Attendance: 11,000
Commentators: Joey Styles, Jonathan Coachman

Ok, so quite a bit has changed in the last year or so. Cena is now the Raw Champion and yet again the main event here is the Elimination Chamber, which is fine as they’re just bringing it out once a year to kick it off in some style so I can’t complain on that front. Anyway, other than Cena against five fairly weak challengers, the other things on the card are Big Show vs. HHH which actually is intriguing and…uh…actually never mind. There’s nothing else worth mentioning at all on here. Let’s get to this.

The video is of course all about the Chamber as you would expect of it. Joey’s voice here is either great or terrible and I’m not sure which.

Intercontinental Title: Edge vs. Ric Flair

Edge has the MITB at the moment and Flair has the title. Flair being the IC Champion was kind of a cool thing as he never held the belt before. He also brought some prestige to the belt which it was sorely lacking. Now I don’t know how smart it is to have a guy pushing 60 holding the midcard title, but Flair was still almost bearable in the ring at this point so it’s ok I guess.

This is going on as Flair had legitimately had a road rage incident and Edge did a hilarious parody of it. At this point Flair’s personal life was such a wreck because of a nasty divorce that he more or less was staying in the ring to pay his bills. This is your run of the mill Flair match here as Edge beats him up for a good while and works on his back, as it certainly has never healed at all in over 30 years.

Since I can more or less call the next few spots, I randomly start singing Trish’s theme song. Flair has so much charisma it’s scary. And Flair puts the figure four on Lita for no apparent reason, making Edge hit him with the case for the DQ. Well that came out of nowhere. At least the ending makes sense a bit as he’s protecting Lita. Flair bleeds. No need for the case here as a stiff glare could crack his head open.

Rating: C-. Standard Flair match here and while the ending is a bit odd, it’ll make sense in a little while and if you’re not familiar with that, you’ll find out soon enough. It looks like tomato soup on Flair which is just stupid but whatever. Not a terrible match as it was more or less acceptable.

Angle, a heel here, says he wants America to lose the war in Iraq. Well he’s 1 for 1. He says he likes France, doesn’t like black people, and he wants to go back in time and make Jesus tap out. Apparently no matter what he says people will cheer for him because he’s so awesome. That’s clever actually.

Flair is STILL being taken out. I’d hate to see what chicken noodle would do. Apparently if you put your hands on Lita, you pay. Dang that must be a poor locker room.

Recap of Mickie vs. Trish. Mickie was still insane and they would feud over the title for a good while, including at Backlash 2006 which I attended. Mickie beat Victoria for this shot. She was about to go nuts and heel at the same time after kissing Trish. It was interesting if nothing else.

Women’s Title: Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus

This is a weird match as Mickie is acting all honored to be in there and Trish is creeped out and annoyed by it. It’s a nice bit of storytelling that you rarely get in a lot of wrestling today, especially women’s wrestling. Trish does kind of a baseball slide and misses to let Mickie take over. James is WAY over here also as her character really was great. It’s weird as Mickie James is on Smackdown at the moment and she looks so different now and then.

She’s fat now? She looks about the same, but she’s wearing skirts here and jeans on Smackdown, that’s about it. This is more of a psychological match instead of based on wrestling which while hard to do can indeed work. Mickie hits the Stratusfaction as I’m liking the thinking of the match. Trish hits the Chick Kick out of nowhere for the pin. That’s a bit anticlimactic but it was good so I’ll take it.

Rating: C+. Not everyone is going to like this match as it’s not your standard match. They were going more for psychology and character development here and I’d say it was certainly a success. Fun match but this was really just a piece to the puzzle if that makes sense.

Maria interviews herself about the bra and panties gauntlet. She’s the ditzy blonde here so it’s a bit different but charming to an extent. Gregory Helms shows up to cut her off and he’s about as awesome as he’s ever been here as the ridiculously cocky heel.

Shelton Benjamin and his mother are here. This was somewhere between brilliant, hilarious and freaking stupid.

Edge doesn’t want to answer internet questions. He has Lita do it instead.

Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior DVD ad. This went about as ridiculously far into unfairness as you could possibly go as they bury this guy harder than they do anyone I’ve ever seen.

Jerry Lawler vs. Gregory Helms

This is more or less the same thing that they did with Hassan last year as they were just giving Helms this to get him over as a cruiserweight trying to fight heavyweight guys. Apparently Lawler said Helms sucked and he got slapped or vice versa, and I think it was the original. I love how Coach tries to act like he means something. The idea worked as I want to smack him already but then again I always do.

Helms is mostly dominating here so at least they’ve got that working right. In a funny line, Coach says he isn’t sure which chin Helms is grabbing. Helms pulls a Rock and does his own commentary in the match as this is going a bit long. Uh oh it’s strap time and here comes Lawler.

They say his fists are moving like pistons. That’s just amusing in general. Lawler shouts out piledriver and somehow Helms counters it. I wonder how he figured out what to do? And Lawler hits the middle rope punch….FOR THE PIN??? WHAT IN THE FLYING HECK WAS THAT???

Rating: F. Seriously, there is ZERO justification to put Lawler over clean here as this isn’t in Memphis. No way is this ok at all. This was a failure plain and simple. Not from a wrestling perspective but from a booking and thinking one.

Lita leaves the internet place and runs into Trish. Mickie follows her in and she has no issue with losing and is now implying she wants lesbian sex with Trish.

Mama Benjamin is at catering and says this won’t do. She bends over (she weighs probably 400lbs) and Viscera’s music starts up. He likes what he sees and thrusts his lower guy at her and then at the camera. Apparently his music and lights just follow him around and apparently she doesn’t notice any of this at all. Yeah this is dumb.

Quick recap of HHH vs. Big Show, which more or less is that HHH came back from an injury and turned on Flair which ticked off Show who fought him and then cost him a spot in the Chamber tonight. HHH broke Show’s hand, leading to this.

HHH vs. Big Show

I like this actually. It’s not something that’s been beaten to death and it has a bit of potential. That being said it’s likely to suck but what are you going to do? Show has a huge cast on his hand. We get a huge stall to start. You have to say huge in any match either of these guys have. Show is actually moving a bit here which is helping a lot. When he’s motivated he’s rather entertaining to watch although it has to be in doses.

Show is dominating here early on. HHH has had no offense about three minutes in. And then Show punches the post with the cast and HHH is suddenly fine. He’s really bad about that. He at least uses some psychology and works on the hand. And there goes the cast. Well at least they got it off early. It’s kind of basic but a lot of the time that’s all you need to do.

Another important thing to note here about it: HHH is mixing things up with strikes and holds. That’s a major perk as otherwise it just isn’t as interesting. Show makes his comeback to get us to even but misses a punch and knocks the referee out cold. Great looking shot there.

The hammer comes in but a chop goes through it. More or less it’s nothing but HHH using weapons on the hand now and Show fighting as hard as he can (ok not really but work with me here) to stay alive in this. A half sledgehammer shot to the head and a bad Pedigree ends this.

Rating: D. This started off as pretty good and then just fell off a cliff. The last 6 minutes of this or so are just freaking bad and there’s no other way to put it. This was like watching two matches and at the end you just wanted it to end. If you take four minutes or so out of this, it’s an easy C at minimum. Started out great, then just went to heck, which is a shame.

Coach and Styles could not have less chemistry if their lived depended on it.

And let’s have two minutes of replays to affirm that HHH is in fact, awesome (allegedly).

Masters is getting ready and Carlito comes up. They’re both in the main event tonight for no explainable reason. This goes nowhere.

Ad for the Rumble.

Lawler is back.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Viscera

Holy filler Batman! Something tells me this is going to suck and it’s going to suck hard. This is just boring beyond belief. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Shelton is more or less powerless to do anything with this second rate Mark Henry, and that’s saying A LOT. His mother promises him a sweet potato pie for a win.

Do you see what I do for you freaking people??? She yells the entire match too and talks about getting the belt etc. Is this supposed to be funny? SHUT UP WOMAN! This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. This is one of those angles that is only to amuse Vince and nothing more. She hits Viscera with the purse and he hits a spin kick to get the win.

Rating: S. As in the stiff drink that I want. This is easily the most ridiculous and annoying thing that I have ever seen on a wrestling show. It wasn’t funny at all but they kept this up for months. THANK GOD he turned heel soon after this and this idiocy ended.

Vince wishes Shawn good luck and Shawn lists off his accomplishments which really are rather impressive. This was the beginning of Shawn vs. Vince that wound up running all summer with DX reuniting.

Bra and Panties Gauntlet Match

It’s exactly what it sounds like and it will be just as worthless as you can imagine. The only good thing here is Lillian in a tied off jersey top. I have a thing for jerseys on women and more or less it’s a bikini top made of one. In short, she’s hotter than should be legally allowed. This is just a bra and panties match but then another comes out and they keep going. Candice and Maria starts.

Candice is about to be in Playboy here. Maria wins. Torrie is next. Notice a trend here: they’ve all been in Playboy and most of them can’t wrestle to save their lives. Maria puts Torrie out. Victoria is next and she puts Maria out. And here’s Moolah and Mae as I want to shoot this show. Ashley winds up winning and of course strips anyway.

Rating: N/A. Give me wrestling please. It’s what you advertised.

Shelton and his mother again make me want to shoot someone.

We recap the Chamber and it’s just the main Raw guys other than Show and HHH in the Chamber after qualifying matches.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. Carlito vs. Chris Masters vs. Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Kane

Naturally it takes forever to get to this match but less time than last year which is at least a plus. Cena of course gets a lot of boos. This wasn’t even the most hated that he would ever get. He starts with Shawn. Cena isn’t ready to do that yet so this is nowhere near what it sounds like. Just 18 minutes between the ending of the last “match” and the bell in this one. The fans are ALL OVER Cena here.

The Chamber really does look awesome to say the least. Cena can sell really well. Kane comes in last due to winning a Beat the Clock Challenge. He’s the odds on favorite. That’s most amusing. In third is Carlito. He means nothing at this point either and no one really knew why he was in this. Nothing at all happens here other than some potential alliances. Finally Angle comes in to wake the crowd the up by suplexing the living tar out of everyone in the match.

Styles saying Angle is all impact amuses me. I mean he must throw everyone 4-5 times each. I have never seen anyone wake a match up like Angle did. Shawn is busted after being thrown into one of the cells. Good night Angle throws a pretty suplex. I mean Angle is just completely dominating. He gets the ankle lock on Shawn and then on Carlito. Masters finally comes in for the save. We’ve fought 15 minutes or so at this point and look at how little I’ve had to say.

Masters comes in and takes an ankle lock. Cena makes a save for no apparent reason and goes for the FU but Angle reverses into ANOTHER ankle lock. He’s just on freaking fire tonight. And then Shawn kicks him in the head and pins him. Yeah seriously, that’s how they get rid of him. Give me a freaking break. Ok it’s not that bad but I hate the out of nowhere ones like that.

You can tell they’re just killing time at this point as nothing at all is happening. Kane comes in so they’re all in now. I seriously couldn’t care less. This thing is boring as any and all goodness. After some brief domination, Kane chokeslams everyone but like an idiot never covers them. Carlito and Masters double team him and amazingly…it works. They do a double DDT and then a press slam of Carlito onto Kane.

At this point, it becomes somewhat clear how this is going to end and it gets dumber and dumber every second. Oh I forgot to mention that Shawn is bleeding. The problem with this match: Carlito and Chris Masters are dominating. Still, this is better than the Extreme Elimination Chamber as Shawn and Cena are at least major star power. Four of the six here were legit title guys and Carlito and Masters were solid midcard heels at the time, so it’s forgivable.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s freaking dumb and it’s very bad, but it could be worse. The other four being awesome balances it out a lot. Shawn gets Sweet Chin Music on Cena and Carlito hits a rolling cutter (Cody Rhodes’ finisher) on Shawn to pin him. Yes, the final three are Carlito, Masters and Cena. This is freaking stupid. No one bought Cena losing for a second.

I was reading WZ and was on AIM at the same time with a girl I knew who was a Cena fan and was telling her what was going on. She went to bed at this point as it was obvious to even her, a mark, that this was ending with Cena winning. The fans are now cheering for Cena as they see the alternatives. That’s rather funny. So they double team him for about 5 minutes until the Masterlock is put on. Carlito low blows Masters and rolls him up before getting rolled up by Cena to win the match.

Rating: D. Seriously, Masters and Carlito? This is short because literally the second the match ends, Vince’s music starts playing and it becomes clear what’s going on and why the Chamber sucking means nothing, so I won’t bother going into detail on it.

Vince says the show isn’t over yet and you can hear the crowd pop like a cherry over it. He has the cage raised up. And he says that while Cena did a great job, his night is not over yet, as Edge is cashing in his Money in the Bank contract and the match is NOW.

Raw World Title: Edge vs. John Cena

Cena is more or less dead and can’t even stand up. This is less than two minutes as Edge hits a pair of spears to win the title in a TOTAL shock.

Rating: A. I know I rarely grade matches this short, but this was absolutely brilliant. I mean NO ONE saw this coming and we all thought it was just Cena wins again and no one cares. This was legitimately shocking and it made the show ending awesome. Loved this and it’s one of the best moments of the modern era.

Overall Rating: D+. Again, this show just isn’t that good. The brand split shows were almost always awful because they have to have stuff like Viscera vs. Shelton for no reason whatsoever and no one cared but because they had 3 hours to fill and Vince was so obsessed on the stupid split looking legit and everything that the fans got screwed over for nearly 5 years.

Flair vs. Edge and the whole ending sequence are I guess worth seeing, although the main event should really be watched if you haven’t seen it before as it’s not great at all but since it’s the Elimination Chamber and not the Extreme version it’s worth a one off look I guess. Overall though, this show just isn’t very good as it felt like a Raw with more of a budget.

This would thankfully end before too long but DANG man, this was just painful every month that wasn’t a big show. Not an awful show but just not that good. Better than last year by far though, even though I think I graded them the same. If nothing else, watch the Chamber through the end just for the crowd. I have never heard a crowd turn back and forth so much in 40 minutes in my life as a fan. Other than that, not worth it.