And it was dominance.Rollins won the title in 2:30 after being attacked before the bell. Lesnar hits three German suplexes but the ref got bumped and Seth him hit low. Three Stomps gave Rollins the title. If that’s not it for Lesnar, I don’t know what he’s sticking around for. Well money probably.
IMG Credit: House Of Glory
Culture Clash 19
Date: April 6, 2019
Location: NYC Arena, Jamaica, New York
Commentators: Matthew Ryan Shapiro, JD, Ben Venuto
This is Amazing Red’s House of Glory promotion and as usual, I have no idea what to expect from this show as I’ve never seen the promotion before, but that’s the point of the weekend. The card looked good though and that’s enough to get me to check out the show. Hopefully it’s as solid as it looks, but you never can tell. Let’s get to it.
The announcers welcome us to the show. For some reason, almost no commentators have been shown all week.
Smiley vs. Leroy Green
Casket match (Who starts with a casket match?), with Green seemingly wanting to save Smiley from some evil stable. Green starts fast with a reverse hurricanrana and a regular hurricanrana and it’s already time for the casket. The fans chant for Smiley, which one commentator says is the fans being behind Green. Back in and Smiley takes over as the announcers explain a bit more of the backstory with Green going after the House of Gangone stable, of which Smiley seems to be a member.
Smiley whips him into the casket and pulls out a kendo stick for a beating. Green hits a quick superkick and takes the stick away to beat on Smiley instead. A modified Backstabber sends Smiley outside, where he finds a chair to throw at Green’s head. Smiley puts the chair on Green’s face and beats on it with the stick, eventually breaking it in half. Green is right back up and ties him in the ropes, where Smiley spits in his face. A pull of the ropes sends Smiley into the chair but he’s fine enough to hit a brainbuster onto the turnbuckle.
It’s time to set up a door between the ring and the barricade but Green backdrops his way out of trouble. Smiley is fine enough to hit a pair of buckle bombs and a running powerbomb onto the ramp. Green gets back up again and spears him through the doors for the big knockdown. Back in and Green rips off the mask before pulling out Smiley’s old mask (a smiley face mask), which Smiley puts on. Before we can find out the impact, Green knocks him into the casket for the win at 15:16.
Rating: C-. The action was good but they threw you into what seemed like a big story pretty fast. Commentary explained as much of it as they could though and I wasn’t lost so it could have been worse. Smiley wasn’t very good and while Green was better, neither of them exactly came off as anything special.
House of Glory Title: Anthony Gangone vs. Robby Eagles
Gangone, with his left hand in a cast, is defending and seems to be the top heel in the promotion. He has three belts (the House of Glory Title and both CZW Tag Team Titles since his partner Amazing Red suddenly retired) and a bunch of people with him, including two guys to rap his theme song. Gangone’s minions distract Eagles to start and a thumb to the eye has him in early trouble.
The threat of a right hand makes Eagles duck and Gangone gets two off a DDT. Dreams By The Waterfall (something out of a torture rack) is broken up and Eagles knocks him into the corner for his first offense. What appeared to be Sliced Bread is broken up so Eagles goes with a middle rope Downward Spiral instead. A 450 misses but Eagles slips out of a package piledriver and nails an enziguri. Gangone kicks him in the face again and hits a package facebuster for a rather near fall.
Eagles’ low superkick again looks to set up the 450 but Gangone rolls to the ropes. That’s fine with Eagles as he jumps down and puts on a cross between an Indian deathlock and a Figure four. The goons distract the referee though and the tap isn’t seen but the goons do get ejected. As the goons argue, a mystery woman (the announcers don’t know her name) comes in and kicks Eagles low, setting up Dreams By The Waterfall (torture rack flipped forward into a knee to the face) to retain the title at 9:54.
Rating: C+. Pretty nice match here with Gangone as a good cult style leader. You need a bunch of minions to make something like that work and Gangone had it covered with at least five people helping him out. I wasn’t wild on his in-ring work but he was getting the character stuff down and that’s what matters more.
Post match the goons surround Gangone as he sits in the middle of the ring and talks about all of his injuries. The fans still boo him no matter what he does and now Amazing Red has retired due to a serious injury. WWE even put out a video with wrestlers like Ricochet and Sasha Banks thanking him for everything he’s done. Gangone says he’s going to break character (erg) because Red retiring just showed that he was weak of body and mind. Without Gangone, this place wouldn’t exist and even his house needs to learn that. Gangone yells at his goons, saying none of them matter without him.
That was quite a bit and straight out of the Sting vs. NWO years, complete with a Scorpion Death Drop. It didn’t make a ton of sense but I’m assuming that the story will be addressed on whatever regular shows this promotion does. It’s a lot to throw at you at once and for what is supposed to be a showcase show, I’m not sure it’s the best idea to have commentary saying they don’t get it either.
Juba vs. Ryan Burgandy vs. Evander James vs. Big Daddy Cruise vs. Kai vs. Matt Travis
The winner is the #1 contender to the Crown Jewel (midcard) Title. Burgandy might be five feet tall but his shirt says that he’s really big (and his theme music is a cover of Larger Than Life). Cruise is a big ladies man, because that’s the most original gimmick in the world. Juba, the biggest man in the match, starts slamming people and shoves away everyone trying to get on him at once.
Cruise hits a sitout powerbomb for two on James and Travis hits a heck of a German suplex for two on Cruise with Kai making the save. Travis and Kai go at it for a bit with Kai getting two off a brainbuster. Juba comes back in and starts throwing smaller humans around until Cruise comes in for some better luck. Evander teases a dive but instead just goes to the floor for a right hand to Juba. Travis and Burgandy hit shooting stars off the top to take out everyone else, leaving us with the two of them going inside.
That doesn’t last long as James comes back in with a Meteora to Burgandy in the corner. Kai comes in with a superkick for two but Cruise makes a save. Cruise’s Michinoku Driver gets two with Juba making the save this time. Burgandy manages to German suplex Juba for two and tries a shooting star to a standing Juba….who doesn’t seem to see him coming and they collide. Juba’s spinning fall away slam plants Burgandy but Travis comes in and steals the pin at 8:53.
Rating: C-. Like so many shows this weekend, this was a bunch of people in the ring at once and everyone trying to get in whatever they can in the limited time they have. It’s not a bad match but it could have been better with some more time for the people to shine. Or just less people involved.
Post match a bunch of people from CZW invade and beat down the people from the match. CZW owner DJ Hyde says he’s coming for his Tag Team Titles and if you want a real show, come see their stuff. He’s coming for Gangone and Red as well. Oh and screw the fans. The locker room comes out to chase them off. Ken Broadway, apparently a rather soft spoken guy, swears a lot and says come back and fight. While he has a mic, Broadway asks if he can take Red’s place against Fenix in the main event. That’s an affirmative.
Low Ki/LAX vs. Great Muta/Pentagon Jr./Tajiri
Diamante is here with LAX. Since the curtain doesn’t quite fit in the entrance, you can see LAX walking around before their entrance. Pentagon and Ortiz start things off and the dueling chants are on in a hurry. Pentagon shows him CERO MIEDO and gets sent into the corner for a running elbow. That just means a Sling Blade and the Karate Kid pose, sending Ortiz bailing into the corner.
It’s off to Tajiri vs. Santana for a feeling out process with Santana taking him to the mat. The big kick sends Santana outside and it’s time for Muta vs. Low Ki. Muta takes him down so Low Ki has the legs up to hold him off as the slow pace continues. Muta’s full nelson into a Fujiwara armbar has Low Ki down again and a Kimura sends Low Ki to the rope. The power drive elbow connects and it’s back to Tajiri, who grabs Low Ki by the tie. Well you knew that was coming.
A slap to the back of the bald head ticks Low Ki off enough that he drags Tajiri into the corner as the heat segment begins. It’s a quick heat though as Tajiri kicks at the leg and brings Pentagon back in. Low Ki kicks him down and goes after the mask with Tajiri making the save. LAX goes into their sequence of suplexes and splashes for two, which somehow fires Pentagon up enough for the hot tag to Muta.
A Shining Wizard sends Santana into the corner but Low Ki drops Muta with a springboard kick to the head. Everything breaks down and Low Ki gets triple teamed for a bit and double red mist takes out LAX. Low Ki goes up for the stomp but dives into the green mist, setting up the Shining Wizard for the pin at 16:44.
Rating: C. Oh come on like the quality of the match matters at all here. This was all about Muta and that’s all it needed to be. It’s a great moment as you don’t get to see a legend like that every day. This was a completely acceptable match and the mist at the end made it all the cooler. The rest of the match was fine too, but just seeing Muta was a great treat.
Post match LAX demands their music be played, which goes on for some time.
Crown Jewel Title: Mantequilla vs. Kikutaro
Kikutaro is challenging. Mantequilla (Spanish for butter) has a cape and is called the Lucha Hero. The early exchange of wristlocks (in slow motions) goes to Mantequilla in the form of some armdrags and Kikutaro wants a timeout on the floor. Back in and Kikutaro gets his own armdrags but the third is blocked to give Mantequilla two.
Kikutaro goes with the comedy in the form of a kick and two fingers to the back of the tights. Back in and they trade superhero poses before three armdrags have Kikutaro in trouble. Kikutaro charges into some raised boots in the corner so he throws the referee into the corner for a Stinger Splash on Mantequilla. Another charge into the boot knocks Kikutaro cold so Mantequilla rolls him over, but Kikutaro keeps rolling to stay on his stomach.
Mantequilla finally gets him up into the corner and whips the referee at him for a missed splash. Kikutaro gets two off a sitout AA but he misses a moonsault. The champ misses a Swanton so they trade low blows and rather soft chops. Double eye pokes are both blocked, as are more low blows. A hug is offered and Kikutaro hugs the referee to show his sincerity. Of course he chops Mantequilla, earning himself a crucifix bomb for two. A spinning palm strike retains the title at 16:17.
Rating: D. The World Title match gets less than ten minutes and this breaks sixteen? I’ll give them this much: it actually didn’t feel that long. I don’t think anyone was believing that the title was changing hands here and I could see Mantequilla having a better match against a serious opponent. It wasn’t the worst, but much longer than a comedy match should be going.
Boss Rob Blatt brings out new Women’s Champion Bobbi Tyler for a chat. Rob leaves and Bobbi introduces herself to the crowd, saying she can’t wait to get out of this horrible country. If any of the women in the back want a title shot, they can come to London and get one because she’s never coming back to this disgusting city again. This brings out former champion Sonya Strong, who grabs the title and says Bobbi better understand that no one else is taking the title. A belt shot knocks Bobbi out.
Sonya Strong/Violette vs. Kris Stadtlander/Nikki Adams
Sonya and Violette don’t have the best history together and Kris is an alien. Sonya headscissors Kris down to start and it’s already off to the partners. Violette slaps Nikki in the face and gets pulled down into a choke. Commentary compares Nikki to the crazy people you see muttering to themselves in the frozen food section. That’s certainly some unique character analysis. Sonya stomps away in the corner and blocks a powerbomb out of said corner before handing it back to Violette for some shoulders to the ribs.
We hit the chinlock for a few moments until Adams fights up and gets over for the tag in a hurry. A Blue Thunder Bomb gets two on Sonya and something like Eat Defeat (knee instead of foot) is good for the same. Adams hits a cutter on Violette as everything breaks down. Sonya German suplexes Kris to send her outside but kicks Violette by mistake, leaving Sonya vs. Adams. With Adams tied in the Tree of Woe, here’s Bobbi to distract Sonya again. It’s enough for Kris to kick Sonya in the back of the head, allowing Adams to steal the pin at 8:45.
Rating: D+. This was fairly messy, though it’s a lot better than some matches you’ll see on a show like this. The women were far more polished than others and Kris stood out, even with the rather bizarre ALIEN gimmick. I know this isn’t the most down to earth (no pun intended) promotion in the world, but an alien? Really? It’s certainly unique but it doesn’t exactly fit.
Ken Broadway vs. Rey Fenix
After the wrong music plays, we’re ready to do. Broadway gets rapped to the ring live and makes it rain in the ring. Fenix shakes his hand but doesn’t seem all that impressed so he starts firing off the kicks. A headscissors is countered but Fenix sends him outside for an early breather. Back in and Broadway slams him down for another trip to the floor, this time capped off by a suicide dive.
A missile dropkick gives Ken two (somewhat impressive as Broadway has some size) and a suplex is good for the same. Fenix misses a charge in the corner but spins to the apron, setting up a springboard missile dropkick for two. Broadway gets knocked outside and it’s a suicide dive to send him into the barricade for the big crash. Back in and Fenix hits his several springboards wristdrag but Broadway is right back with a gutbuster.
The Backstabber gets two more but Fenix ties him in the ropes and goes up. In your HE SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO DO THAT move, Fenix walks the ropes and kicks Broadway in the face, setting up a running Canadian Destroyer. Broadway is on his feet before Fenix though and hits the Currency (Penalty) Kick for the very fast pin at 8:21.
Rating: C+. Well ok then. The ending was as sudden as anything I can remember in a long time as Fenix was making his big comeback and then a single kick to the chest puts him away. That’s not exactly the kind of finisher you would expect from someone called the Self Made Savage or someone of his size. Either way, it’s quite a win for Broadway and Fenix got to be his usually impressive self.
Post match they shake hands and Broadway thanks Fenix for the match. Fenix says Broadway won with honor and thanks the fans. This has been a crazy weekend for Fenix but the fans are a great reason to come here and fight like he did tonight. He’ll be back and he wants a rematch, which gets a handshake from Broadway. After Fenix leaves, Broadway calls out Gangone because the World Title is his.
Private Party vs. Juicy Product
That would be Isaiah Kassidy/Marq Quen vs. JT Dunn/David Starr because DAVID STARR MUST APPEAR ON EVERY WRESTLEMANIA WEEKEND SHOW EVER (not a bad thing as I like the guy)! Private Party has a very energetic entrance and the fans seem to like them. Before the match, Private Party has everyone involved say YEAH very loudly. Starr works on Quen’s arm to a standoff to start. Quen gets taken down by the leg into a rollup for two and gets his lip busted open somewhere in there. Fans: “SAY YOU’RE SORRY!”
Instead, Quen dropkicks Starr in the face and back for one and it’s off to Dunn for some double teaming. A double elbow drops an invading Kassidy and it’s time for the Party to take a breather on the floor. The breather seems to work as they come back in with a camel clutch/stomp combination to Starr, sending Starr and Dunn to the floor. That means a big flip dive to the floor….and Never Gonna Give You Up (the Rick Roll song) starts playing. As everyone dances, Starr and Dunn jump the Party to take over.
The song starts again so Dunn can dance while Starr keeps stomping. Actually make that both Starr and Dunn dancing together, complete with a kiss. And now, with that out of the way, we get back to a normal tag match with Quen being worked over in the corner (Yes, we’re just supposed to go back to a normal match. Why does this surprise you?).
A double dropkick gets two but it’s Quen fighting back with forearms and a double dropkick of his own. The hot tag brings in Kassidy and everything breaks down. A heck of a Swanton gets two on Starr but Dunn comes back in with a top rope double stomp to Kassidy’s back. Kassidy gets powerbombed onto Dunn’s knees but Quen is back up with a bunch of kicks to the head.
Starr blasts Kassidy with a clothesline but a shooting star onto his back puts everyone down. The Party is up first with a pop up Codebreaker on Dunn and another shooting star to the back gets two as Starr makes a save. Starr gets in a knee to Quen’s face to set up an RKO from Dunn for two as frustration sets in. The Party gets back up and Dunn is sat on top for a hurricanrana into a cutter to give Quen the pin at 18:00.
Rating: B. Completely and utterly WHAT THE CENSORED moment in the middle aside, I liked this match more than anything else on the show. Starr continues to live up to his name and Dunn was quite the performer as well. Private Party is a fun team and I could see them going somewhere with some more seasoning. The announcers mentioned that they had wrestled a host of top level teams so there’s clearly something there.
Overall Rating: C. This show was a hard one to rate as you have some good action and VERY deep stories, but that second part is the problem: for newcomers, you’re going to be very lost if you don’t pay very close attention, and even then there’s a lot you’re going to miss. The House of Gangone seems to be connected to everything on the show and there’s a lot of moving parts.
The show itself was a nice mixture of stuff, though they could have trimmed some of the time down by not having so many angles and lost post match sequences. It didn’t feel like a show designed to draw in new viewers, which is kind of a weird choice for a show on this big of a stage. I liked it well enough, but I could use a history lesson to know how all of this ties together.
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KB
IMG Credit: Ring of Honor Wrestling
Ring of Honor/G1 Supercard
Date: April 6, 2019
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Commentators: Kevin Kelly, Colt Cabana, Ian Riccaboni
My goodness it feels wrong to be typing that for another company. This is the indy/non-WWE main event of the weekend and the only show that stands a fighting chance to topple NXT for best event of the weekend. It’s a combination Ring of Honor/New Japan card and the first time New Japan gets to take the big stage in the big time. Let’s get to it.
Pre-Show: Honor Rumble
This is a 30 man Royal Rumble with one minute intervals and the winner gets a future ROH World Title shot. Kenny King is in at #1 (by request) and Minoru Suzuki is in at #2. There is some horrible static during Suzuki’s entrance and it’s kind of distracting, though you can hear the roar over it just fine. For some reason King tries a chop and the fans know pain is coming. King runs the ropes a bit before the forearm connects and it’s Cheeseburger (erg) in at #3. He tries to chop both of them and gets knocked down, leaving the other two to fight as the announcers make hamburger jokes.
Beer City Bruiser is in at #4 and punches at all three guys before biting Cheeseburger, despite barely having any teeth. Suzuki kicks right back and it’s Sho of Roppongi 3K in at #5 for some dropkicks. Suzuki gets to kick him down in the corner though and it’s Shingo Takagi in at #6. He goes right for Sho to renew their rivalry and it’s Bushi, Shingo’s partner, in at #7. They double team Sho again until Yoh, Sho’s partner, is in at #8 for the greatest coincidence in Rumble history.
Yoh takes over on Shingo and Bushi as the ring is getting too full. A double dropkick connects (well half connects as Yoh’s half clearly wasn’t close) Shingo and Bruiser is the first elimination. Shaheem Ali is in at #9 and people start pairing off with Ali getting in some offense. It’s Rhett Titus in at #10 doing his best Chris Masters impression. He immediately poses in the middle of the ring until King kicks him in the head.
We’ve got King, Suzuki, Cheeseburger, Show, Takagi, Bushi, Yoh, Ali and Titus at the moment with LSG coming in at #11. More brawling against the ropes ensues and it’s Ryusuke Taguchi in at #12 (please get him out of here in a hurry). Taguchi starts throwing his rugby ball around and hits the hip attack until Will Ferrara is in at #13. The Dawgs have a mini reunion and it’s Chase Owens in at #14 as the ring is WAY too full, mainly due to the entrances coming far too fast.
No one comes close to an elimination again so it’s Rocky Romero in at #15 to complete the trio. He and Taguchi stare each other down because that nightmare of a match they had at Rev Pro wasn’t bad enough. The Forever Clotheslines start and everyone gets involved to hit Bushi for about thirty seconds straight. Romero tosses Bushi and it’s Brian Milonas in at #16. Milonas gets rid of Ali and LSG, meaning he isn’t worthless this time around. Bad Luck Fale is in at #17 to get rid of Roppongi 3K.
Cheeseburger gets thrown over but his friends catch him so he’s still in BECAUSE HE’S SMALL AND FUN AND WE ALL LOVE HIM SO FREAKING MUCH. Cheeseburger gets back in as Jonathan Gresham is in at #18. Shingo gets rid of Titus but Suzuki tosses him as the ring is thankfully clearing out a bit. Tracy Williams is in at #19 and with nothing going on, Yoshi-Hashi is in at #20 as Taguchi is eliminated. That gives us King, Suzuki, Cheeseburger, Ferrara, Owens, Romero, Milonas, Fale, Gresham, Williams and Hashi as Williams trades headbutts with Suzuki.
PJ Black is in at #21 and Ferrara is out as Black and Owens try to double team Suzuki. You just don’t do that as Suzuki eliminates Owens. Jushin Thunder Liger is in at #22 and you know the place is going nuts for that one. Liger fires off the palm strikes and gets rid of Milonas on his own. TK O’Ryan is in at #23 and Vinny Marseglia is in at #24 because of course. The Kingdom gets together and tosses Williams as Delirious is in at #25. The booker gets himself onto the biggest card in the company’s history? I’m as shocked as you are.
His entrance takes so long that it’s Tomohiro Ishii in at #26. Now this guy has to get rid of at least a few people. Black is out first and it’s Toru Yano in at #27….or not actually as he runs over to commentary and gives his spot to Colt Cabana in a nice moment. Yano sits in on commentary and let’s put the camera on that instead of the ring. Hirooki Goto is in at #28 as Romero and Hashi are tossed. Everyone gets together to get rid of Fale and it’s freaking King Haku in at #29 (Yano: “VERY SCARY!!!”).
It’s a Tongan Death Grip for Cabana, who waves Yano down for the save. Yano comes in…..and it’s THE GREAT MUTA in at #30 to complete the field. Sweet goodness the one year I don’t go to Wrestlemania weekend and I miss Muta and Liger. The final grouping is King, Suzuki, Cheeseburger, Gresham, Liger, O’Ryan, Marseglia, Delirious, Ishii, Cabana/Yano (I’m not sure which you count as legally in), Goto, Haku and Muta. We get confirmation that Yano is in at #31 because why not.
Muta tosses Delirious and Yano accidentally hits Cabana with a buckle pad, allowing Suzuki to get rid of both of them. Gresham is out and it’s Goto and Suzuki going to the apron. Suzuki kicks Goto out and gets back in, giving us the required slugout with Ishii. They go to the ropes with Suzuki going for the armbreaker but Ishii pulls him up for the lariat and the elimination. We’re down to eight….and King is nowhere in sight so you know where this is going. Cheeseburger takes House of 1000 Corpses and gets tossed (I like this so much better all of a sudden) and Haku gets the same, minus the corpses.
Rating: D+. The one thing that this showed me was how much better New Japan’s roster is than ROH’s even in the undercard. Look at the biggest names in this match from both sides. Who from ROH was interesting here? King? The Kingdom? On the other side you have legitimate legends like Muta and Liger, plus stars like Ishii and Suzuki. This was one sided and the ending was just annoying as I was digging the visual of Liger and Muta, which is probably the only time they’ll ever be here.
As for the match itself, it felt like every WWE Rumble trick known to man packed into one match. Between the partners coming in on consecutive numbers to the #1 entrant lasting until the end to the always annoying “oh he’s not eliminated”, I’m pretty sure I just saw five Royal Rumble in one package. It’s fine to let everyone get on the card (Cabana’s face in the ring while he was soaking things in genuinely made me smile) but come up with something fresh instead of just copying WWE.
Post match Muta gives King the mist for a cool moment.
The opening video features the New Japan wrestlers talking about what it means to wrestle in Madison Square Garden. Fair enough man, as I still can’t believe I’m seeing it.
We’ve got pyro. But WWE can’t afford it right?
The announcers run down the card.
Never Openweight Title vs. ROH TV Title: Will Ospreay vs. Jeff Cobb
Title for title. They shake hands before the bell and Cobb wastes no time in shouldering him out to the floor. Ospreay gets in a shot for a breather and runs back in for a Flying Space Tiger Drop, which is pulled out of the air. Whatever Cobb was trying is countered into a tornado DDT on the floor but he’s fine enough for the delayed vertical superplex for two back inside. There’s a hue toss across the ring as the power vs. speed is on full display early on.
We hit the bearhug with Ospreay having to elbow his way to freedom and nailing a spinwheel kick to the face. Pip Pip Cheerio gets two but it’s way too early for Stormbreaker as Cobb reverses into a fall away slam. The Samoan drop into the nip up into the standing moonsault gets two as Cobb gets to show off. Ospreay grabs the ropes to avoid the Tour of the Islands and it’s the Spanish Fly to drop the monster. A missile dropkick to Cobb’s bad shoulder keeps him in trouble but Code Red only gets two.
The Oscutter is broken up and Cobb turns him inside out with a clothesline. In a scary sight, Cobb goes up but misses the frog splash. The Oscutter is countered with Ospreay being thrown into the corner, where he bounces right back to make it connect on a second attempt for two. A hook kick to the head drops Cobb and there’s the Cheeky Nandos kick. Ospreay makes the mistake of trying a super Stormbreaker though because it’s a super Tour of the Islands to crush Ospreay dead. A regular version gives Cobb the pin and both titles at 12:56.
Rating: B. That was fun and the perfect choice for an opener. Cobb looked like a star who survived everything Ospreay could throw at him and hit his crazy power moves to retain/win. Power vs. speed is almost as basic as you can get in wrestling and when you do it right, it’s a very cool match, just like this one was.
Rush vs. Dalton Castle
Rush dropkicks him into the corner and hits a pair of Bull’s Horns for the pin at 19 seconds. I was wondering how they would handle this and they handled it by making Rush look awesome.
Post match Castle snaps and beats up the Boys.
Mandy Leon joins commentary because Delirious still runs this company.
Juice Robinson has been attacked.
Women’s Title: Mayu Iwatani vs. Kelly Klein
Klein is challenging after they’ve traded wins over the last few months. Kelly sends Camp Kelly to the back so it’s one on one. An exchange of wristlocks doesn’t go anywhere so Klein gets smart by going after Iwatani’s bad knee. The leglock goes on with punches to the knee but Iwatani reverses into a rear naked choke. Klein breaks that up and catches a diving Iwatani in a fall away slam.
That’s not going very far though as Iwatani sends her outside and hits a big dive (good one too) but gets her throat snapped across the top rope. Back in and Klein wins an elbow off and drops Iwatani on her head in a release German suplex. She pops back up for the knockdown though and we get a quick breather. A dragon suplex sends Klein into the ropes but Iwatani misses the moonsault. Klein powerbombs her out of the corner and K Power gives her the title back at 10:16.
Rating: C+. Ok. It’s another title change between women I know next to nothing about. Klein certainly did beat her though and apparently that’s all ROH thinks we need to know, because it’s all they’ve given us in the year the title has been around. It doesn’t matter who holds the thing if we have no reason to care about (positively or negatively) about either of them and ROH doesn’t get that.
Post match Angelina Love and Velvet Sky (the Beautiful People, who Madison Rayne wanted to team with and then left anyway) debut and Leon comes to the ring. The three of them beat Klein down and do the same to an invading Stella Gray and Jenny Rose. A graphic pops up on screen dubbing them The Allure. Good. They’re already the most interesting thing in the division’s history because they’re known characters with personalities and the ability to talk. Now DO SOMETHING WITH THEM.
Caprice Coleman joins commentary because we need to keep that four person booth.
Here’s Mega Ran to perform the theme song. QUIT COPYING WWE ALREADY! The fans boo the heck out of this and here’s Bully Ray to interrupt. Mega begs off and gets beaten up anyway, but now we need a replacement opponent. Guess who’s here.
Flip Gordon vs. Bully Ray
Of course it’s Gordon because ROH has no idea how to end a feud. Gordon starts fast but Ray knocks him down and goes for an early table. Cue Silas Young and Shane Taylor though (oh here we go) and the beatdown seems imminent, but Juice Robinson and Mark Haskins run in for the save, complete with a bucket of weapons. Wait if Robinson is fine three minutes into the match, why was Gordon needed in the first place? I’m going to go with “that’s what the script said” and move on.
Flip Gordon/Mark Haskins/Juice Robinson vs. Bully Ray/Silas Young/Shane Taylor-
It’s now a six man with Juice unloading on Ray until a thumb to the eye lets him take over. Haskins and Gordon get together to take on Taylor but it’s the villains surrounding Gordon with kendo sticks. Gordon takes a shot, flips off Ray, and demands more. Haskins and Robinson come back in with more sticks and the good guys take over, leaving Ray down 3-1. The bailing up the ramp is quick but Robinson makes the stop. That earns him a low blow….and a superkick? From BULLY RAY?
Taylor helps clean house and sets up a table (Fans: “THAT’S NOT D-VON!”) for the powerbomb to put Gordon through. Ray gets crotched by Haskins, giving us the always funny “OW MY BALLS!”. Taylor brings in a wooden pallet but Robinson saves Haskins. Robinson Cannonballs Taylor through it instead and Ray takes What’s Up from Haskins (Ray: “OW MY BALLS!” Dang rough night for him.). Gordon adds the 450 for the pin at 14:59.
Rating: D+. This is a match that happened, even though we’ve seen Gordon beat Ray one on one before. I have no idea why we needed Gordon to do this again but I’ll go with ROH not knowing how to go anywhere else. You have an open challenge available and can’t have Ishii or Suzuki come out there and destroy him? At least they’re pushing Gordon, and that’s what matters most. Young and Taylor could have been any two warm bodies here, as Young was barely a factor at all.
IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title: Dragon Lee vs. Bandido vs. Taiji Ishimori
Ishimori is defending and this is going to be insane. The champ gets knocked outside to start and it’s Bandido with a pair of hurricanranas to Lee. The running flip dive takes Lee down but it’s Ishimori back in to crank on Bandido’s neck. Lee hurricanranas Bandido outside as they’re already crazy fast to start. Ishimori moonsaults onto both of them and they all head back in with Lee powerbombing Ishimori for two. Lee’s top rope double stomp is countered by Bandido’s super hurricanrana, earning himself a Canadian Destroyer as Lee popped right back up.
Ishimori knees Lee down but walks into a pop up cutter for two. Now Lee hits the top rope stomp on Bandido but his suplex is countered into a hurricanrana for two from Ishimori. The Bloody Cross gets two on Lee and they head up top with Bandido on his feet as well. Bandido catches them both for a SUPER DOUBLE FLOATOVER FALL AWAY SLAM (Cabana: “THAT’S NOT A REAL MOVE!!!”). After two on Lee, Bandido hits….something on Ishimori that we miss because the camera was looking at the crowd looking at itself on the screen. Lee knees Ishimori to the floor and hits a fisherman’s suplex powerbomb on Bandido for the pin and the title at 8:56.
Rating: B+. Oh come on like this was going to be anything but awesome. It was a pure spotfest and that’s exactly what we should have been getting here. Any of these guys could have left as champion and I’d bet on all three of them being champion at some point again. Just do more of this and they’ll be fine.
Ishimori puts the best on the new champ in a display of sportsmanship.
IWGP Tag Team Titles/ROH Tag Team Titles: Guerrillas of Destiny vs. Villain Enterprises vs. Evil/Sanada vs. Briscoes
The Guerrillas have the IWGP Titles and Enterprises have the ROH Titles, winner take all. Just to make sure PCO is ready, he’s strapped into an electric chair for some extra fire. The Briscoes start in a hurry and Jay is backdropped out to the floor. PCO suicide flip dives onto him and it’s a wild brawl all over ringside. The champs get back inside for the slugout but the Briscoes pull the Villains outside.
Sanada ties Tama in the Paradise Lock for the running dropkick but the Briscoes are back in to take him out. King comes in to crossbody both of them so here’s Loa for the big man showdown. King hits his own running flip dive (no hands) and it’s Mark with his own corkscrew dive (you never see that). Jay’s running Blockbuster off the apron drops Sanada and Tama kicks Jay outside.
Evil wraps a chair around Tama’s head and hits it with another chair for the big knockdown. The Briscoes break up the Magic Killer and it’s the Jay Driller into the Froggy Bow for two with King making a save. PCO hits the Cannonball onto Mark on the apron and the fans go nuts as he’s been trying to hit that since he debuted. King’s Ganso Bomb into PCO’s moonsault crushes Mark again with the Guerrillas making the save.
The Guerrillas are done playing and powerbomb PCO over the top onto the floor (nothing to break the fall)….and he sits up, which actually shocked me. He falls back down, but I think he won the point already. Back in and the Gun Stun to King sets up the Superbomb to give the Guerrillas all the titles at 9:56.
Rating: B. Much like the previous match: let them go nuts and give the fans what they wanted. The Guerrillas winning isn’t exactly a surprise but how cool is it for PCO to make it back to the Garden as a champion? That’s the greatest career renaissance of all time and there’s nothing close to it.
As the match ends, Enzo Amore and Big Cass jump the barricade to flip off the crowd and yell, earning a beatdown from the Briscoes and Bully Ray. It wasn’t clear if this was a work or a shoot, but ROH retweeting a video of it should clear up the confusion. If anything could make me give up on this company, it’s having to listen to Enzo again.
The celebration is on and Toru Yano steals the IWGP Tag Team Titles. Why the Guerrillas don’t go after him isn’t clear. Colt: “He’s going to need a partner right???”
The announcers make sure to not talk about Enzo and Cass, though you can hear the fans booing them. We go to a shot of the video screen to fill in time. They’re getting booed, but I have a feeling it’s not the kind of heat that is going to translate well to ROH TV. The announcers do talk about “people trying to make a name for themselves.” It’s real people.
British Heavyweight Title: Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Zack Sabre Jr.
Sabre is defending and Tanahashi has bad knees coming in. Taka Michinoku is here with Sabre as the hype man. Taka asks who is going to win and then says Sabre doesn’t just win this one, but EVERY match. Feeling out process to start with Tanahashi tentatively going to the mat and getting spun around into a wristlock. Tanahashi goes with a kick to the ribs and a middle rope crossbody to some better success.
Sabre is right back with a cross armbreaker into a Disarm-Her but Tanahashi makes the rope. It’s time to start in on the shoulder (for now) and the cocky kicks bring Tanahashi back to his feet. Sabre throws him over the top and the shoulder keeps Tanahashi from skinning the cat. Never to miss an opportunity, Sabre grabs a cross armbreaker with Tanahashi in the rope. Tanahashi is back with a running dropkick and a middle rope Swanton for two.
The Cloverleaf doesn’t go on but an abdominal stretch does, leading to a fight over who can keep the hold. Sabre goes to the rope in a ruse, allowing him to crank on the arm some more. Tanahashi grabs a dragon screw legwhip for a break but can’t keep the Cloverleaf. Instead Sabre pulls him down into a triangle choke, which is reversed into the full Cloverleaf. Sabre is in the ropes almost immediately because he’s good at escaping as well as applying.
The High Fly Flow is broken up and there’s a Pele to the arm. Another dragon screw legwhip is countered into the European Clutch for two and there’s the PK to drop Tanahashi again. The Zack Driver is countered into another legwhip and Twist and Shout has Sabre in trouble. Sling Blade gets two but the dragon suplex is countered into something like an Octopus Hold and then a double arm crank with the legs (almost a full nelson) to make Tanahashi tap at 15:17.
Rating: B. Well of course it works. There’s something so fun about watching Sabre take someone apart like that, even if it’s Tanahashi. This was a great rub for Sabre, who could have a very long career on top if he keeps evolving. Those holds are deadly and of course Tanahashi will be fine as he’s been a legend for years now.
We recap Tetsuya Naito vs. Kota Ibushi for the Intercontinental Title. Ibushi beat Naito in the New Japan Cup to earn a shot and it’s time to tear the house down.
Chris Charloton joins commentary.
IWGP Intercontinental Title: Tetsuya Naito vs. Kota Ibushi
Ibushi is challenging and Naito has the white suit on so you know it’s serious. I love the New Japan zoom in at the bell. Naito ducks a pair of charges to start and they lock up a minute in. Kelly’s summation: “They seem to enjoy dropping each other on their heads.” Naito grabs a headlock into a headscissors but Naito rolls out and hits the Tranquilo pose for the expected reaction. Ibushi’s hurricanrana sends Naito outside but he’s right back in for a baseball slide to put Ibushi out there instead.
A whip into the barricade has Ibushi in trouble and another one sends him into the crowd. Ibushi is back in at 11 (20 counts and titles can change hands on a countout) and Naito gets two off a neckbreaker. We hit the cravate as Naito stays on the neck until Ibushi is back up with a dropkick. Some kicks into a standing moonsault gives Ibushi two and it’s a running kick to the head to knock him outside.
Ibushi hides his head from the referee so Naito hits a reverse DDT onto the knee. Naito gets kicked off the top though and they fight to the apron, where Naito runs into a hurricanrana out to the floor in a crazy cool looking spot. Back in and Naito is fine enough for the tornado DDT for another near fall and frustration seems to be setting in. Gloria (arm trap belly to back on the back of Naito’s head) gets two but Ibushi blasts him with a clothesline.
To mix things up a bit, a dead lift German superplex from the apron gives Ibushi two more. The big knee to the face is blocked and a kind of kneeling piledriver from the mat (dropping Ibushi on his head again) gets another two. They slug it out from their knees and Naito spits in his face. That’s too much for Ibushi but Naito hit s a reverse hurricanrana into Destino for two and Naito is stunned. Another Destino is countered into a kick to the head and a pair of Kinshasa knees knock Naito sillier. The Gold Star Bomb gets two and the big knee to the face finishes Naito at 20:43.
Rating: A. As much as I was cringing at all those head shots, I wasn’t taking my eyes off of this as they were hitting each other as hard as they could and it was nothing short of outstanding. Ibushi fighting through for the sake of achieving his goal was great and this should free Naito up to go after the World Title again. Great stuff and exactly what the New Japan fans wanted on this show.
We recap the ROH World Title match. Jay Lethal is champion, Marty Scurll is crazy popular and has never been champion and Taven is cutting the same I SHOULD BE CHAMPION AND YOU’RE ALL AGAINST ME promos he’s been on for over a year. Taven and Lethal went to an hour long draw last month so he’s earned another shot while Scurll won the Survival of the Fittest. It’s a ladder match so there can be no biases from the referees.
NWA World Champion Nick Aldis joins commentary.
Ring of Honor World Title: Jay Lethal vs. Matt Taven vs. Marty Scurll
Lethal is defending in a ladder match and Taven is played to the ring via piano. The ring announcer makes it clear that this ladder match is ONE FALL. You can tell Lethal is fired up to be here, as he should be. Marty goes straight for a ladder so Jay baseball slides it into him. Taven is right there with the no hands dive to take them both down but bangs up his wrist in the process. Lethal goes with some chairs and bridges a ladder between some in the aisle.
That takes too long so Marty jumps him from behind and goes inside to put a pair of ladders in a pair of corners. Lethal and Taven are back in with Jay hitting both of them with ladders to take over. Instead of going up, he bridges a ladder over the bottom rope and of course gets sent face first into it. Marty ties Lethal in the Tree of Woe in the ladder and blasts it with a chair a few times. Lethal is mostly dead so Marty sets up a ladder in the middle, grabs the umbrella, and goes up.
That takes a bit too long though and it’s Taven making the save with a superkick. Taven knees the ladder around Lethal’s neck but it’s Marty going up the ladder. Lethal ties him up in a Figure Four in the ladder but they have to let go so Taven can be stopped. Marty takes a cutter on the apron and Taven powerbombs Lethal onto the bridged ladder in the aisle. This gives Aldis another chance to be the best analyst in wrestling today because he ACTUALLY ANALYZES THINGS.
Back in and Marty gives Taven a 619, which further injures his knee. Taven ladders Marty down and the fans are all over him, because Taven is as popular as a bad fungus. For some reason Taven climbs a ladder in the corner, earning himself a superplex back down. Lethal comes back in and flips out of the chickenwing attempt. With Marty down, Lethal goes up, punches Taven down, and gets caught in the chickenwing on the ladder.
Taven goes up as well and gets his fingers snapped but Lethal kicks them both off the ladder. A Lethal Combination sends Taven into the ladder and Lethal misses a charge, putting one ladder through another in the corner. Marty drops Taven onto the X between the ladders but walks into the Lethal Injection. Lethal throws the double ladder outside and it nearly knocks out half of the first row. Fans: “THAT’S A LAWSUIT!”
Scurll gives Lethal a brainbuster on the floor and loads up a table as Aldis is suddenly very anti-Lethal. Taven is back up and spears Marty off the apron and through the table. They’re both down so Lethal pulls out another table and the big ladder, setting up Hail to the King for the crazy spot of the match. Lethal and Marty go up but Taven busts out a big purple ladder. They all get knock down as Aldis has to explain to Riccaboni why a taller ladder is a good idea. Taven climbs up, hits Lethal in the head with the title, and wins at 29:38.
Rating: B-. This was good for the most part but it’s the worst possible outcome that deflated the crowd. The fans just do not want to see Taven on top of the company and have made that very clear. Instead, he gets the World Title because ROH had put so much time and energy into him that they just did it anyway. The match was entertaining but could have been at least ten minutes shorter on an already long show where New Japan has already lapped ROH five times.
We recap the IWGP World Title match. Jay White rocketed up the ranks and defeated Kazuchika Okada at Wrestle Kingdom before winning the title, partially due to Okada’s manager Gedo switching sides. Okada is back to his old self, having won the New Japan Cup, and is out for revenge and the title. Works for me, as New Japan stories are more about being well told than too complicated.
IWGP World Title: Kazuchika Okada vs. Jay White
White is defending and completely loathed by the crowd. The champ bails to the floor to start so it takes a little bit for the lockup. A shoulder puts Okada down but a Gedo distraction lets White grab a headlock takeover. Back up and Okada kicks him in the face, setting up a neckbreaker for one. They head outside and White goes hard into the barricade before going over the barricade.
Another Gedo distraction lets White drive him into the post and we hit the reverse chinlock back inside. A belly to back gets and a DDT has Okada down again. We go old school with the Muta Lock but Okada is right next to the ropes. Okada nips back up and hits a DDT of his own for two of his own. White’s kicks to the head just get on Okada’s nerves and there’s the dropkick to send White outside.
A Helluva Kick sends White over the barricade again and Gedo is tossed on top of him. The big dive over the barricade takes both villains down to a nice reaction. Back in and White escapes something and snaps off a Saito suplex. The White Noise onto the knee puts White down again and Okada gets angry with the shotgun dropkick into the corner.
The top rope elbow connects but White sits down to avoid the Rainmaker (thankfully we get the awesome zoom out). A Downward Spiral and a German suplex put Okada down again and White suplexes him into the corner. The Kiwi Crusher (White’s ROH finisher) gets two and Okada is right back with the Tombstone.
It’s time for the forearm exchange but Okada misses the dropkick. The second attempt connects but the Rainmaker is countered into a suplex. The Blade Runner is countered and the Rainmaker into the Rainmaker gets two, stunning the crowd. When is the last time you saw someone kick out of a pair of clotheslines?
Now Blade Runner connects for no cover as White is done. They forearm it out from their knees as we hit the thirty minute mark. Gedo offers another distraction and it’s a low blow to Okada. Both finishers are countered again so Okada goes with the dropkick. Two Rainmakers, a spinning Tombstone and another Rainmaker gives Okada the title back at 33:44.
Rating: A-. It was the most obvious ending in the world and White, while great, isn’t great enough to go all the way up to this level. Okada is one of the best of all time and is going to need a top challenger now that he has the title. That would seem to be Naito, which is as good of a match as you’re going to get right now. Let them do their thing and White can rebuild. He’ll be back.
Overall Rating: B. This one was a cut down the middle of a show as you’re going to get. We’ll start with the good. New Japan looked incredible here and showcased themselves on the biggest stage of American. Their stars looked like stars and the gave you enough of a set of styles that there was something for everyone. I don’t know what else there is to say here because everything they did worked in one way or another.
Then there’s Ring of Honor and it’s a bad night if you’re a fan. You got Kenny King, Kelly Klein and Matt Taven pushed as big deals (along with Rush and Gordon, the only good things to come out of this show for the company) pushed as big deals and those three people have one thing in common: ROH fans don’t care about them. King is the same guy they’ve been trying to milk something out of for years, Klein is boring and Taven is Jeff Jarrett without a Tennessee accent.
For ROH, this was a night of pessimism as they try to push whatever they can think of to get success without remembering what got them here in the first place. Tonight felt like they were trying to be WWE at times (Enzo and Cass) while also forcing us to accept ideas that we’ve already rejected (Taven). The future looks bleak at the moment and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. It’s like ROH doesn’t get it and that has been the case for way too long in the bigger situations. I still have some hope in Lifeblood, but other than that it’s a bad sign as they choke at the big show. Again.
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It was a rough night.So first of all, it looks like freaking Enzo and Cass are in ROH. Both Voices of Wrestling and NorCal, who is at the show, seemed to think so.
Dang it man do they have to be there? I know they get heat and they’re “real” (whatever that means) and they’ll get a great crowd reaction, but ROH is a workrate company and these two have the workrate of the Great Depression. And they’re very annoying. If anything is going to get me to stop watching ROH, it’s Enzo.
Then for something that actually was real.
Never underestimate the power of (likely) drunk people. A fan jumped the barricade at the Hall of Fame and attacked Bret Hart during his speech. The roster immediately jumped up and took him down, with Dash Wilder getting in a heck of a right hand. Hart was fine and finished the speech, but egads man how stupid can you be?
IMG Credit: WrestlePro
Does Funny = Money?
Date: April 3, 2019
Location: Rahway Recreation Center, Rahway, New Jersey
Commentators: David Sturchill, McKenzie Mitchell
This is from WrestlePro, a promotion I’ve heard about before but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a full show. From the description, it seems like it’s going to be a comedy show and that’s appropriate given that it’s the first show of Wrestlemania weekend. Hopefully the show has some redeeming value to it, but I’m not getting my hopes up. Let’s get to it.
As usual: I have no idea what’s going on around here so if I miss storyline/character stuff, I apologize in advance.
The host tries to introduce the first match but McKenzie Mitchell (former Impact backstage interviewer) interrupts. She thinks the host needs a co-host and a fan poll convinces him to let her.
Bobby Wayward vs. Kikutaro
Kikutaro is a Japanese comedy guy in a weird looking mask. Wayward takes him up against the ropes for a clean break and Kikutaro applauds his politeness. Kikutaro does the same and it’s off to an exchange of shoulders. Some armdrags into an armbar has Wayward in trouble until he pulls Kikutaro throat first into the top rope. Hang on though as Kikutaro wants time out. Ever the scoundrel, Wayward stomps him down anyway as the slow pace continues.
With nothing else working, Kikutaro whips the referee into Wayward in the corner. The low blow behind the referee’s back has Wayward in more trouble but he’s fine enough to do the same to Kikutaro. There’s a low blow to the referee as well and everyone is grabbing….yeah. Kikutaro Hulks Up and gets kicked in the face to Hulk him back down. Wayward grabs a fisherman’s suplex for two but the referee collapses before three. The referee gets whipped into the corner but Kikutaro reverses it and the referee clotheslines Wayward. Now the referee DDTs him and a Shining Wizard gives Kikutaro the pin at 9:47.
Rating: D+. Oh I’m in for a long night. This wasn’t exactly my style of wrestling but that’s the point of the show so I should have known what I was getting myself into. Kikutaro doesn’t exactly make me laugh but having him beat up a villain like Wayward is about as good as you were going to get here.
Here’s Dan Lambert (American Top Team owner who showed up in Impact and was the best villain in the company for awhile) with Colby Covington (UFC Champion) and John Harnett to issue a challenge to the locker room. Wrestling today sucks so if Lambert wants to watch good wrestling, he’ll have to watch on YouTube. Lambert lists off some great wrestlers and the fans applaud, which isn’t the best way to go. He was told that WrestlePro was better but after what he’s seen, he knows that his instincts were right: today’s wrestling sucks. Cue Scarlett Bordeaux and we have an answer to the challenge.
Scarlett Bordeaux vs. John Harnett
Scarlett goes straight at him and slaps away in the corner, setting up a running hip attack. An over the back reverse kneeling piledriver finishes Harnett at 55 seconds. Well that proved the point well enough.
Post match Lambert shoves Scarlett down and pulls out a board but Scarlett spears Harnett through it instead.
Pat Buck vs. Santana Jackson
Buck is a big star around here and has a cage around his head. He’s also called the Buzzkiller because he’s beating anyone with any kind of buzz. Buck isn’t having any of Santana’s Michael Jackson dancing (REALLY bad timing with that one) so he tries a test of strength. That’s broken up with more dancing and a dancing top rope wristdrag ticks Buck off so badly that he fires off a clothesline. A spinning Tombstone makes it worse….but Jackson sits up as Thriller starts to play.
Jackson hits a Stunner into a dancing People’s Elbow but Buck gets serious. In something a little different, Jackson grabs Buck’s hand and makes him punch himself low, which technically isn’t illegal. The Moonwalk DDT gets two and Buck bails to the floor, setting up a suicide dive (with Jackson losing a shoe). Buck carries him back inside for an AA over the top, setting up something close to the One Winged Angle (pulling the arm instead of lowering the head) for the pin at 6:14.
Rating: C. Now that was a little more like it as Jackson’s stuff was actually funny at times, with the Thriller bit being an actually good gag. Buck winning is the better move of course as you rarely want a comedy guy going over a top star but at least they did something good here with Jackson getting some strong reactions.
Johnny Clash vs. Anthony Bowens vs. Jake Manning vs. Matt Macintosh
Clash is the Create-A-Pro Champion though I don’t think the title is on the line. The same seems to be true of Macintosh’s WrestlePro Gold Title. Manning brings his tent with him because we need a prop that big. The tent is in the middle of the ring but Macintosh (The Bad Apple. Get it?) throws it out so they can, you know, wrestle. Macintosh sends Manning into the post as Clash and Bowens fight in the ring.
Macintosh’s jumping knee to the head rocks Bowens and he gets tied in the Tree of Woe for a boot to the crotch. Macintosh: “HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES???” Manning grabs a headlock and reads the scout manual, which has Mackenzie wondering what passage he’s picked. Back up and Macintosh keeps running the ropes as Manning has stepped aside to read in peace. Bowens is back up with a low superkick to Clash but Manning has found….a rope? Clash gets tied up and then untied for some dizzifying effects.
Manning makes it even worse with an airplane spin and then Bowens adds one of his own. A collision puts Bowens and Clash down and it’s time to throw the tent in again. Everyone but Manning gets thrown in and he zips it shut….but gets pulled in as what seems to be a struggle ensues. The fans call it awesome, because this is a shaking tent crowd. Clash dives over the top onto Bowens and Macintosh dives onto both of them.
Manning throws the tent onto them and while he can carry it by himself, three people can’t manage to have it dropped all of a foot and a half onto their raised arms. Back in and Bowens hits a Blockbuster for two on Macintosh with Clash making the save. Manning throws the tent in AGAIN (ok the joke is old now) but Bowens elbows him into it. Manning gets out of the tent and it’s a Tower of Doom through the tent (devastating McKenzie) to give Manning the pin on Macintosh at 10:38.
Rating: D+. The tent was a funny idea but they went back to it over and over to diminishing returns. I was sick of the thing at the end and the whole thing would have been better off if it was about two minutes shorter. The wrestlers were fairly talented though and I could see them moving up to bigger promotions later on. Maybe not Manning as he’s a rather gimmicky character, but the other three have a chance.
Team Tremendous vs. Demon Bunny
Team Tremendous is Dan Barry and Bill Carr (both detectives for some reason) while Demon Bunny is Rosemary/Allie, who are apparently best friends outside of the ring. That’s always cool to see. Team Tremendous steals belts from the crowd, along with the Gold Title which was left at ringside from the previous match, and throws them inside. With that out of the way, Barry and Allie start things up.
Allie works on the arm but Barry dances his way into a wristlock. Some armdrags into an armbar have Barry in trouble and it’s off to Rosemary to stay on the arm. The women keep alternating on the arm as this isn’t exactly funny so far. Rosemary pulls his nose so it’s off to the much bigger Carr, who sticks up his fingers like a gun. As Allie surrenders, Rosemary bites the fingers and it’s back to Barry for a dropkick. Carr can’t bring himself to chop Rosemary though so Barry comes in again, this time to get choked over the ropes.
A top rope DDT sends Barry into the corner and the hot tag brings in Allie. Some forearms have no effect on Carr but he misses a charge in the corner, allowing Allie to hit some sliding elbows. Rosemary comes back in and gets planted for her troubles, followed by a reverse Razor’s Edge toss into a Codebreaker to Allie (cool move). That’s broken up at two and the Doomsday Sliced Bread is broken up as well. Rosemary mists Carr and it’s a Codebreaker into a German suplex for the double pin on Barry at 9:35.
Rating: C-. I like Rosemary and Allie but I really don’t get the comedy here. This wasn’t overly funny and could have been on any given show. Team Tremendous come off as a low level team who don’t have a lot of success and probably bragged about how they would win easily here. Not a bad match, but I have no idea why it was on here.
Fifteen minute intermission.
Shawn Donovan vs. Buster Jackson
Bird Box (blindfold) match and Donovan is billed from the fifth floor of Trump Tower. Hang on as the referee is blindfolded as well to make it even more confusing. They take less time to make contact than Jake Roberts and Rick Martel but Jackson ducks away and Donovan yells at the turnbuckle. Jackson takes him down and hammers away as the announcers spoil Bird Box. The referee has barely left the corner as Donovan gets knocked down but comes right back with a slam.
Donovan grabs the referee, who hiptosses him in self defense. A shoulder puts Jackson on the floor and Donovan follows as Jackson gets back in. Not being able to figure out what’s going on, Donovan grabs a chair and hits the post (ala Roberts vs. Martel) before getting back in as well. Donovan finally gets smart and takes his blindfold off but he’s insane (ala the movie) and tries a Swanton with no one on the mat. Jackson covers and, after the referee crawls over (how he knew there was a cover isn’t clear) and checks the shoulders, counts the pin at 6:50.
Rating: F. And that’s supposed to be funny? This was another dumb idea that just kept going despite being a short match. It’s the same problem any match with this gimmick has and there’s no way around it. This isn’t something that works and it was just stupid instead of entertaining or funny. Also, if you haven’t seen Bird Box (which came out a few months ago and isn’t a big deal anymore), this made no sense at all, especially the ending.
Gauntlet Match
When did gauntlet matches become the hottest thing in wrestling? Grim and Freddie IV (pronounced I V, not Four/Fourth) are in first and the Shook Crew (Bryce Donovan and Max Caster with Bobby Orlando) are in second. Freddie is a hippie and keeps giving people flower necklaces but uses one to pull Caster down to get us started. A double hanging suplex (including a limbo) has Caster in trouble so it’s off to Donovan (Two wrestlers on the roster named Donovan?), who gets chopped by the bigger Grim. We get the required Stink Face and Freddie comes in to drop a backsplash on Caster for a bonus.
A big legdrop gets two and Grim does the Whale (a heavy version of the Worm, consisting of dropping down, standing up and dropping down again), sending the Crew out to the floor. Back in and Grim is so winded that he collapses into the corner for the tag to Freddie. A low blow into a rollup with tights gives Donovan the pin at 4:14.
The Breakfast Club (CPA/Kip Francis Stevens) are in third and thankfully they come out to Don’t You Forget About Me (as they should). Once they get to the ring, Caster has laid out cones to create a safe space (because that’s a thing Caster does). It’s a ruse though (Gee you think?) as Orlando is taking Donovan’s place. Orlando hits Caster by mistake and we get the stupid spot of Orlando DDTing Caster by mistake because he can’t just let go.
We go wide and see Grim still out cold due to exhaustion as the match continues. Things settle down to Orlando suplexing CPA for two and Caster grabbing a chinlock. That’s broken up in a hurry and the villains are knocked into the corner in a Human Centipede pose. The hot tag brings in Stevens for a bunch of clotheslines, including one to the freshly conscious Grim. CPA goes to the apron for a dive, followed by a big one from Kip to knock everyone down. Back in and a Hart Attack gets rid of the Crew at 10:08.
Naturally they beat down the Club until Massage Force (Yes MASSAGE FORCE. Dorian Graves and VSK because all you need are initials instead of a full name these days.) is in fourth. The Club gets neck massages until a double rollup gets a double near fall. We settle down to Graves (the masked man, oddly enough) rubbing Stevens’ neck before it’s off to VSK, who gets a massage from Graves. It’s good enough to bring in CPA for two off a missile dropkick.
Another Hart Attack misses so CPA has to hit a suicide dive on Graves instead. Back inside and VSK kicks Stevens in the face for two, followed by a Backstabber for the same. Massage Force wants the oil and it’s VSK sliding across Graves’ back (just go with it) for a headbutt to Stevens’ crotch. A Shatter Machine gets rid of the Club (Why are an accountant and a guy in business casual called the Breakfast Club?) at 17:17.
Job Security (Big Malcolm and Officer Ronald) are in fifth and try to beat the fun out of Massage Force. The World’s Greatest Tag Team’s jump over your partner onto someone’s back gets two on VSK but it’s quickly back to Graves to massage Ronald. A Swanton/reverse DDT combination hits Malcolm and it’s more oil so Malcolm can get sent into Ronald’s crotch. Another Shatter Machine gets rid of Job Security at 21:18.
KM and Fallah Bahh are in sixth and you can tell these two are rather popular here. They seem to like McKenzie, who sounds touched. Bahh puts VSK in a front facelock and adds a splash….before oiling up KM’s back. The slide is more of a crushing this time and everything breaks down. KM and Bahh both roll over Massage Force and they make the referee do it too. That’s not good enough though as they have McKenzie do it as well. A Banzai Drop finishes VSK at 28:22.
And just in case we haven’t gone over the edge already, the BWO (Nova/Blue Meanie) is in seventh. KM works on Nova’s arm for a good while to start, with the announcers wondering how many times a single arm can be turned around. Nova is back with a big boot that knocks KM out of the ring and up the ramp to the stage. Back in and KM wants Meanie….and then tags out to Bahh for the sumo wrestling collision. They argue over NO NO NO/YES YES YES and it’s Meanie tickling Bahh.
Everyone but Meanie head outside and the big dive is teased, sending the three of them running around the building in fear. Bahh runs so far away that he gets counted out at 37:12. KM asks where Bahh went because he’s riding Bahh’s coattails on TV. KM: “I’m his Marty Jannetty! I need him!” Bahh comes back with hot dogs….for everyone in the ring!
As they eat, Team Espana (Jos A and Jos B, the Tag Team Champions and thankfully with labeled shirts) are in eighth as the final team. Meanie gets beaten down in the corner but it’s off to Nova to throw the right hands. Everything breaks down and Nova’s suplex to B is broken up as A pulls the foot, allowing B to fall on top for the pin at 42:42.
Rating: D-. The only thing I learned from this is that the WrestlePro tag division is awful with some very goofy teams. I was rather bored with most of this because most of the teams barely stand out from the others and they seem to have one note gimmicks at best. I’ll give some credit to KM and Bahh though: they looked like stars compared to the other teams, though that’s not saying much. Crazy long here and there had to be a team or two that could be cut.
The BWO gets cheered out of the ring.
Dan Maff vs. Swoggle
Street fight. Maff weighs over 300lb and is kind of a legend around here. Swoggle brings in his own weapons and they talk trash to start. Some chairs are set up in the middle and they sit down in front of each other for a slap fight at the opening bell. Swoggle gets the better of it until Maff stands up and kicks him down.
The weapons are brought in and it’s a stepladder to Maff’s back. The trashcan goes over his head and Swoggle beats on him with a kendo stick and there’s a big shot to the head, which just annoys Maff even more. An even bigger trashcan shot to the head drops Swoggle and it’s time for the barbed wire chair. Swoggle pours out the building blocks (they’re not Legos) because that’s the big thing these days.
The staple gun doesn’t work for Maff as Swoggle bites him and staples his crotch. A Stunner gives Swoggle two and it’s a side slam onto the blocks. Swoggle kendo sticks him off the top and blasts Maff with the barbed wire chair for two. Maff shrugs it off and loads up the Burning Hammer but lets Swoggle down. Swoggle flips him off though and hits a low blow, setting up a small package for two. That’s it for Maff, who wraps the ladder around Swoggle’s head and pulls back like a camel clutch for the tap at 8:53.
Rating: D+. This was actually tolerable, though just having Swoggle in there didn’t make it funny. The spots were your usual hardcore deals, though the ending was good. Swoggle is a lot more than just a comedy act as he works hard and can have a match, which is a lot more than you would expect from him.
They show respect and trade shirts after the match.
Colt Cabana/Santino Marella vs. Heavenly Bodies
That would be Desirable Dustin/Gigolo Justin for this Bodies incarnation. We get the rapid tags before any contact is made with the first lockup coming nearly two minutes in. Justin bails away from the threat of the Cobra so it’s off to Dustin, who gets made fun of for having a large stomach. The threat of the Cobra makes him run away twice as that lockup is about all that has happened so far. Everything breaks down and it’s a power walk from Cabana and Santino, setting up the double Bionic elbows.
We settle down to Justin’s arm getting worked over with Santino climbing to the top but getting nervous and coming off the bottom rope instead. Colt and Santino can’t get their double teams on the same page and jokingly yell at each other. A sunset flip doesn’t work for Colt as Dustin gets the tag but a tag to Santino doesn’t count because he’s not in the corner. Therefore, being clever, Santino extends the tag rope and stands halfway down the apron while still holding the rope.
A belly to back suplex into a moonsault gets two on Cabana (the Flippy Doo) and Colt stays in trouble in the corner. Cabana’s diving tag lands about three feet short so he tries again, this time with Dustin pulling Santino off the apron. Colt finally shrugs off some stomping in the corner and brings in Santino for his usual comeback. The referee gets bumped and Santino loads up the Cobra but Killer Kross runs in to jump him.
Kross does a Rick Rude impression and says he’s here to prove that funny doesn’t equal money because it’s not best for business. He beats up Colt and Santino while mocking comedy wrestling. Cue Joey Ryan of all people but Kross immediately says he’s not going near it. Kross tries the low blow and hurts his leg so Joey hits a dropkick. The lollipop goes into Kross’ mouth for the superkick and it’s time for the Cobra. Hang on though as Cabana puts a sock on his own hand. We get a double You Plex and a pair of Cobras for the double pin at 16:26.
Rating: D+. I really can’t get mad at this as it kind of went exactly as you would expect it to with the run-ins being the right choices. The ending was never in doubt and it was really just a matter of time before the Cobra got the win. It this had been the featured goofy match at the end of a more balanced show it could have worked better, but you can only get so much after this long of a show.
Overall Rating: D. The one thing I’ve learned from this show is why it’s called comedy relief. The idea behind a comedy match is to give you some breathing room after everything gets serious on a show. By having the entire (over three hour long) card be comedy, and in some cases it’s a big stretch to call it such, it’s really hard to stay in the right mood for it.
This didn’t work and while it’s certainly an idea, it isn’t one that works throughout. By the end it felt like a sketch comedy show that had run out of ideas and they were just throwing stuff out there and hoping it was funny. That’s why this kind of an idea doesn’t work. You need a serious match to look forward to because once the jokes stop working, you’re just watching mostly bad matches.
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Finally.
I’m exhausted just reading the card and that’s a bad sign the day before the show. WrestleMania is supposed to be the top show of the year and the most important thing that happens in the WWE year. The problem is WWE can’t get out of its own way most of the time and I’m worried that they’re going to do it again this year.
As usual, this year is going to be about the moments, and if WWE doesn’t give us enough of them, it’s not going to work. A happy ending (Lynch finally conquering Rousey and holding up both titles) is the right way to go and if Kingston happens to win as well, we’re in good shape. That’s all that matters, but I just can’t imagine WWE actually going in the right direction every single time.
History has been made.
And now we have the truly historic moment in something that I didn’t think would ever actually happen. The women’s match is headlining the show to complete the Women’s Revolution, as they’re finally reaching the unreachable goal. With the history out of the way, we get on to the important part, which is the result itself. It should be an obvious ending….but it’s WWE.
With a close of my eyes and a deep breath, I’ll take Lynch to win in the moment that we’ve been building towards for months now. As much as I could see Rousey winning here and then losing the title in her post-pay per view title defense or Charlotte because SHE’S CHARLOTTE and we need to build towards one more (of many) lynch vs. Charlotte match. I’ll go with Lynch and hope that WWE doesn’t overthink things for once in my life.
A B+ isn’t that bad.
I’ve gone back and forth on this one since before the match was announced and that hasn’t changed yet. We’re at the point now where Kingston either needs to win the title or do something completely different because he has all the momentum in the world right now. Kingston is more than qualified to win the title (period) and it would be the awesome moment if he wins the title.
I’ll take the plunge here and say the title changes hands here, though there’s next to no chance of Kingston making it to the middle of May as champion, which is just fine. The whole point here is the title win, which is the kind of moment that you need on a show like this. Kingston doesn’t need to be a main eventer long term, but being a former WWE Champion sounds just fine.
No more happy ending?
Now we’re down to the final three matches and since it’s WWE, we’re just not getting three happy endings (it’s all about the chase and the heat you see). That makes you wonder which face has to take the fall and you could go with any of the three. Starting here, we have the Royal Rumble winner against Lesnar, who is STILL Universal Champion, as has been the case for almost two years straight now and somehow WWE is cool with that.
And yes I think Lesnar retains the title here, mainly because WWE still thinks he’ll win the UFC Heavyweight Title again and hold up both titles. You know, as has been promised for YEARS now. I’m still not sure how that instantly equals money, but WWE seems obsessed with seeing it happen. I think Rollins falls short here though, as we get another Lesnar vs. Reigns match down the line. Or here, if Lesnar pulls a WrestleMania IX and somehow Reigns gets the title back Sunday. Would it really shock you?