You have to get them in somehow.

Let’s go with something that should be good instead of something this boring. Both guys need something to do as Styles has beaten so many people on the show already. Orton has been floating around for years and his beating the heroes gimmick has already been mostly forgotten. That leaves you with little more than two guys needing to have a good match and….well that’s not a problem for them.

I’ll go with Styles winning here as he’s a bigger star, though Orton has a tendency to pull off the surprise wins in these big match situations. I’m not sure if he’ll actually pull it off, but it would be cool to see either of them win. Styles knowing to expect the RKO out of the Phenomenal Forearm will be good and if he can prove Orton wrong, it should be a perfectly fine moment. Either could win, but I’ll take Styles.

Well of course this is here too.

If there’s a match that felt more tacked on than this one, I can’t remember the last time it happened. This match wasn’t even announced on TV with the only mention being in a YouTube video. Hawkins and Ryder, who haven’t won a match in years, are now getting a WrestleMania title match because WE MUST GET THE TITLES ON THE SHOW. I think you know where this is going.

Of course Revival drops the titles here and probably never get them back, because WWE doesn’t get why they’re unhappy with their spot in the company. This match is going to be about five minutes long and belongs on the Kickoff Show but the fans will lose their minds at the New York team winning the titles again. It would be perfectly fine on Monday Night Raw the next night, but that would mean just fifteen matches and that’s not good enough.

Just get it over with.

Let’s get this out of the way so I don’t have to think about it for a few days. This has been treated as one of the biggest matches on the show because reasons of McMahon, though I’m not sure how many people are going to care. The story is built around Miz’s father being a horrible person and only caring about his son when he teamed with McMahon and Miz wanting to stand up for his family. Therefore, McMahon needs a big spot on the show and probably close to twenty minutes.

I’ll go with Miz winning as McMahon doesn’t win these big matches (just a Tag Team Title match). It’s going to be long, commentary is going to talk about how awesome McMahon is, and then Miz will beat him and it won’t be worth the five months they put into this one story featuring McMahon, when several others could benefit from having this spotlight. At least Miz might be a better face this time around, though I don’t have my hopes up.

Now with no specific name.

This is another match where I’ll need to see the full field before being confident in my pick. It feels like the biggest layup in the world to have Asuka win here to get some heat back after losing the title to Charlotte, but I don’t trust WWE to go with the most logical option. There aren’t many good options in the match so far, but that’s where I think we get to our actual winner.

I’ll take Lacey Evans, because I have the blind faith that WWE actually has a plan for her with all those random cameos. There isn’t much of a reason for this to be the case and Evans hasn’t exactly showed a world of talent yet, but that’s never stopped WWE before. I’ll go with her winning, though I’ll be rather happy if Asuka wins. It’s not like it means anything though, as Naomi didn’t exactly rocket up the card last year. But hey: a swerve ending right?

I guess it’ll do.

For the life of me I don’t get this one. I mean I get the story with Nese being a hometown guy and Murphy’s former training partner, but Nese getting a title shot at Wrestlemania is as absurd as you can get. Outside of another Cedric Alexander match, I can’t think of a weaker option than Nese in this spot. Murphy has been awesome as champion and should be on the main shows but he’s stuck here trying to give some credibility to 205 Live.

I’ll take Nese winning for the hometown moment, but my goodness if that’s the case have Murphy moving up to the main roster immediately. He’s WAY too good for this show anymore and Nese….well he’s Nese and I don’t know what else to say about him. This isn’t going to be interesting and the fans are likely to be getting food or taking one last walk before the show, because it doesn’t get much less interesting than this one.

Everyone in the ring!

Here’s your first of two catch all matches because remember: EVERYONE SHOULD BE ON WRESTLEMANIA! IT’S LIKE THE LAW! I really don’t have a problem with this as most of the people are going to be in there for all of five minutes at most and it’s not like there’s any limit to what you can have in a battle royal. Also, I’d rather they do it this way than have the SNL guys get some kind of a handicap match against Braun Strowman.

I’ll take Strowman with my fingers crossed, as he’s pretty much the only wrestler involved to have gotten any serious attention. As long as the SNL guys don’t win, everything should be fine because it’s just a battle royal to warm the crowd up. For some flavor I’ll throw Ali out there as a possible candidate, though you almost never get the full list of competitors early so there’s a good chance it’s going to be someone not even mentioned.

Pancakes And Piledrivers III
Date: April 6, 2019
Location: New York Hilton Midtown, New York City, New York
Commentators: Bork Torkelson, Don Callis

This is from Wrestling Revolves, where the idea is that you get something different every time. There’s a bonus in this show though as if you’re in the crowd, you get free pancakes. That alone should be more than enough to get people to show up but there’s also the whole wrestling thing on the side. Let’s get to it.

A rather ridiculous thirty minutes after the scheduled start time, we get a DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME message.

Opening sequence, with a song about the pancake robot coming to town.

The ring announcer introduces Jimmy Jacobs as our host….and he’s accompanied by the Rascalz dressed as pancakes. The Rascalz carry Jimmy around the ring and it’s time to throw out bags of swag. Jimmy explains that the hotel won’t allow them to give you pancakes so the Rascalz are the pancakes instead. They run off and I guess we’ll be seeing them later.

David Starr vs. Moose vs. Brian Cage

Starr, from Philadelphia, is billed from London and doesn’t get his monikers so he’s not happy. He has a card with the names listed, though Jacobs adds his own twists and the arguing continues. Moose and Cage stare each other down and Starr doesn’t like being left out. We get the MOOSE vs. the Terminator clap until Starr tries chopping both of them. Starr can’t slam or suplex either guy so they launch him into the air for a crash, leaving Cage to headscissor Moose.

An exchange of pump kicks goes nowhere but Starr manages to drop them both throat first over the rope. That means a double suicide dive and the brainbuster to the knee for two on Moose. Cage German suplexes both of them at the same time and an F5 gets two on Starr. Moose’s chokebomb out of the corner gets the same on Cage with Starr making a save of his own. A powerbomb backbreaker takes Starr down again and the Drill Claw makes it worse, only to have Moose throw Cage outside and steal the pin at 5:49.

Rating: D+. The story was simple enough and I’m surprised that they didn’t go with Starr getting the fluke win. Starr being in over his head was making me chuckle as he continues to be all over Wrestlemania weekend. I’m guessing the match ran short because of the crazy long delay to start the show, which really didn’t do the show any favors.

Tag Team Titles: Gauntlet Match

The Besties in the World (Davey Vega/Matt Fitchett, who come out to I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden) are in first and Aussie Open are in second (out of six). Davey walks into a double flapjack to start and a backbreaker into a backsplash gets two. Everything breaks down and the Besties both get an abdominal stretch on Davis at the same time. Fletcher is right back with a standing Lionsault and it’s Vega getting chopped in the corner.

Davey finally gets in a kick to the face and makes the tag with Fitchett hitting a high crossbody for two on Fletcher. A running knee gets the same but it’s Davis coming back in to clean house. Davis picks Vega up for a jumping cutter from Fletcher but a running kick to the face finishes Davis at 7:40.

The Rascalz (Zachary Wentz/Dezmond Xavier this time around) are in third and the Besties are right there to slow them down, including a backflip kick to the head on the apron. Not that it matters as Vega is run over and the shoving moonsault gives Wentz the pin at 9:35. The Lucha Bros are in fourth and it’s a quick exchange of superkicks with the Bros getting the best of things. Wentz gets kicked down and a double superkick makes it even worse. The wheelbarrow splash gets two on Xavier and the Pentagon Driver gets rid of the Rascalz at 12:30.

Hang on though as the Rascalz jump the Bros as LAX (defending champions) is in fifth. The four of them beat the Bros down but LAX superkicks the Rascalz and pin the Bros at 15:36. Team Tremendous (Bill Carr/Dan Barry) are in last with LAX right there to jump them. Barry is right back up for an Asai moonsault onto both of them, followed by a running flip dive from the bigger Carr.

They get inside with Ortiz kicking Barry away and it’s off to Santana vs. Carr. A big clothesline gives Carr two but everything breaks down. Santana superkicks Barry into a cutter for two with Carr making the save. The Street Sweeper is broken up and it’s an electric chair Sliced Bread to finish Ortiz for the titles at 20:54.

Rating: C-. As usual in a gauntlet match, the fast falls didn’t help things but at least they had a surprise ending with what seems to be a fun team winning the titles. There were some awesome teams in there and I really wish we could have seen some of them have some longer segments, but there’s not exactly time for something like that. Not bad, but pretty disappointing.

AR Fox vs. Sammy Guevara vs. Ace Austin vs. JT Dunn

Fox has three dancing guys (collectively called the Skulls) with him and a lot of noise is made. Dunn and Fox get together and beat the other two down to start until Dunn forearms Fox by mistake. Guevara picks up the pace with an enziguri and a springboard high crossbody for no cover on Fox. With everyone else on the floor, Austin hits a running flip dive onto the three of them…and now it’s time for Fox and company to dance. They dive onto the other three anyway and Fox dives onto everyone.

Austin fires off kicks from the apron until Fox gets in a kick of his own. Guevara and Dunn chop it out with Sammy hitting Feast Your Eyes for two. Dunn sends Austin outside and hits a rolling cutter for two on Guevara. Austin throws Guevara into the air for a cutter but Dunn makes the save to put everyone down. Dunn’s rollup with tights gets two on Fox so Fox hits a springboard Downward Spiral to plant Dunn for the same. Ace is back in with a top rope spinning Fameasser for two on Sammy as Fox makes another save. Dunn’s Death By Elbow (discus elbow) finishes Fox at 8:52.

Rating: C+. This was a lot of fun with everyone moving as fast as they could. They weren’t going for anything more than one spot after another and that’s a perfectly good decision in a match like this. Dunn and Austin looked good here, though I’m not sure what the point of the Skulls was. They just came and went and didn’t change anything, so why even have them out there in the first place?

Open Invite Scramble Title: Caleb Konley vs. Jake Manning vs. Ian Maxwell vs. Daga vs. Lance Anao’i vs. Mance Warner vs. Arik Cannon vs. Trey Miguel vs. Jon Skyler vs. Shigehiro Irie vs. Clayton Gaines vs. KTB

Konley is defending and this is one fall to a finish. Daga and Miguel go nuts by hiptossing everyone until the referee hiptosses Miguel for a change. Warner comes back in but gets crotches by KTB, leaving Daga to come off the top with a Meteora to make KTB DDT Mance. Lance superkicks Skyler, who hits a double superkick along with Gaines. Daga runs the ropes to headscissor Maxwell and wristdrag KTB at the same time.

Irie comes in and gets to run everyone over but it’s Mance coming back in to offer Cannon a beer. Gaines comes back in with his energy drink and gets beer spat in his face, though he’s fine enough to clothesline Warner and Cannon down. Konley remembers he’s in the match and powerbombs Maxwell onto the pile but Skyler cuts him down with a slingshot spear. Maxwell and Miguel hit their own running dives, followed by one from KTB off the top.

Back in and Miguel hits a 619 on Maxwell but Manning cuts him off with a backbreaker into a Downward Spiral. Daga comes back in to beat up Gaines and it’s time for Warner to put Skyler on top. That’s not the best idea as it’s a super Regal Roll to drop Warner with Lance coming off the top with a Superfly Splash. Konley and Irie get their turn now with Konley not being able to get a sunset flip.

Irie manages to piledrive Cannon onto Konley, leaving Lance and Miguel to go Coast to Coast at the same time. Hang on though as Manning, the Manscout, needs to bring in a tent. Skyler knocks Manning into the tent but he’s right back up for the Tower of Doom to drive a bunch of people through the tent. Konley rolls Maxwell up to retain the title at 14:38.

Rating: D. I get the idea here but it’s too long and messy to really work. Cut it down to six or so and this would have worked far better than the dozen wrestlers in there at once. It’s a bunch of spots, many of which weren’t all that great in the first place. This definitely wasn’t a terrible match but the concept didn’t work with this many people involved at once.

Jacobs thanks the fans for being so awesome and makes fun of Callis.

Adam Brooks vs. Matt Cross

Cross is better known as Son of Havoc from Lucha Underground. Brooks is replacing Sonjay Dutt for some reason. Brooks gets aggressive to start and catches a running Cross in a Downward Spiral into the buckle. An elbow to the face stops Brooks and there’s the first suicide dive.

Back in and Cross misses a top rope double stomp, allowing Brooks to hit a Backpack Stunner. A double stomp to the ribs works better for Cross but Brooks catches him in a fireman’s carry facebuster. That sends Cross outside for a suicide dive into a sloppy tornado DDT but he’s fine enough to dropkick Brooks down. The shooting star press finishes Brooks at 4:39.

Rating: C-. It was nice to have a singles match for once, though they went through it so fast that it didn’t exactly have a lot of impact. The energy was there though and that helped keep the show going well enough. I could have gone for more of this and that’s about as good of an endorsement as you can have.

Jacobs decides the next match will be for the X-Division Title. Bork: “Can he do that?” Callis: “No.”

X-Division Title: Chuck Mambo vs. Rich Swann

Mambo is “gnarliest wrestler in the world” and seems to like beach balls. Swann, now without facial hair, has Jason Cade of the Crew faction with him. Mambo takes him down by the arm to start before sending Swann into the corner, meaning it’s time to dance. A wristlock makes Swann scream until he bounces out of it as the pace picks up. An inverted Gory Stretch has Swann in more trouble but a Cade distraction lets him slip out. Mambo gets dropkicked out of the air. The stepover kick to the face gives Swann two but Mambo explodes with chops and punches to the chest.

A Blockbuster drops Swann and a springboard Meteora gets two. Mambo gets hurricanranaed off the top but he’s fine enough to superkick Swann to the floor. That means a double jump springboard flip dive onto Swann and Cade for the big spot of the match. Back in and Swann’s Lethal Injection gets two but a second attempt is countered into a Backstabber. Cade breaks up a cover off the springboard splash, which isn’t an ejection for some reason. Mambo chases him inside and gets rolled up for the pin at 10:38.

Rating: C. Mambo’s gimmick was a little goofy but once he got into the actual wrestling, he wasn’t bad at all and the match was pretty good. Swann looks so strange without his goatee but at least he can still have a good match. I could go for more of Mambo and that’s a big reason to watch these shows: you never know who you might see for the first *time.

Ace Romero vs. Fallah Bahh vs. Larry D. vs. Dan Maff vs. Madman Fulton vs. Jacob Fatu vs. Jessika Havoc

Havoc is a surprise surprise entrant and aside from her, Fulton is the smallest at 305lbs. Everyone goes after her and it’s a six way crush to send her outside. Larry powerbombs Fatu and catches Maff’s crossbody until Fulton kicks them both down. Fulton slams Bahh but Romero takes both of them down. Havoc slams the 385lb Romero but Bahh gives her a Banzai Drop with Fulton having to make a save. Fatu superkicks Maff, only to miss the handspring moonsault.

Romero goes to the middle rope for no logical reason, allowing Fulton to hit a Regal Roll but he dives into a Samoan drop from Bahh. With everyone else on the floor, Havok hits a suicide dive but Fatu drives over the top to take all of them out in a more impressive landing. Back in and Maff’s Burning Hammer gets two on Havok with Romero making a save and then diving onto Maff. Fatu moonsaults Havok for the pin at 5:43.

Rating: D+. There were some impressive spots in there and they were very smart to keep it short. If you have these bigger wrestlers going too long, it’s going to get lethargic and sloppy so going with the quick form was certainly the right call. Havoc and Romero were impressive, though I still don’t know how WWE didn’t see the potential in Fulton.

Tessa Blanchard vs. Ricky Shane Page

I’ve never seen Page wrestle but he has some size and smiles a lot. They stall a lot with Tessa not shaking his hand and then slapping him in the face. The lockup finally starts after two minutes, followed by Tessa hitting a good looking tornado DDT. A dropkick to the back of the head has Page in more trouble so he slaps Tessa into the corner. That ticks Tessa off and she unloads with forearms before taking it outside to beat Page up against the barricade.

Page blasts her with an overhand chop but she jumps to the apron to kick Page in the face. A hard suicide dive sends Page into the barricade and Tessa plants him with an impressive Samoan drop. Page shoves her away and hits a splash but gets caught in another tornado DDT for two. Back up and a top rope superplex drops Tessa and a chokebreaker gets two more. Tessa gets taken up top again but counters into a super Canadian Destroyer….for two. Magnum and the Buzzsaw DDT finish Page at 13:26.

Rating: C-. This was longer than it needed to be and the kickout of the Destroyer was ridiculous. If you’re going to finish the match thirty seconds later, why even have the kickout in the first place? Tessa winning is hardly a surprise as she’s one of the best female wrestlers in the world right now and Page is just a big guy who didn’t do anything special here.

Jacobs introduces us to a dog named Nami and tells us to come see her at the Wrestling Revolver booth.

OVE vs. Unwanted

OVE has a loud manager named JT Davidson. The Unwanted is Shane Strickland/Joe Gacy/Eddie Kingston (with Colby Corino) and this is Shane’s final independent match. OVE isn’t having this big entrance and the fight is on in a hurry. We settle down to Eddie STOing Dave but taking a neckbreaker from Jake. Strickland comes in for his anklescissors into a dropkick and a running dropkick to the knee.

Now it’s Sami coming in for the staredown and he doesn’t understand why Shane won’t shake hands after Sami spit on it. Instead it’s a kick to the face but Sami forearms Shane out to the floor. Sami goes outside as well and it’s Gacy diving onto all of them, followed by Dave hitting a dive into a tornado DDT. Colby tries a dive of his own but gets superplexed onto the pile. Not to be outdone, Davidson hits his own flip dive and the referee adds a non-flip dive.

Back in and it’s the Tower of Doom as they’re getting through all of the six man spots in a hurry. Shane nails his snap German suplex on Dave, followed by the rolling cutter. The Cactus Piledriver gives Sami two on Shane and Jake’s cutter gets the same (just a regular cutter as he couldn’t hit the jumping version). With everyone else going to the floor, Sami spits at Shane, who spits right back. Shane snaps the arm back and the Swerve Stomp connects for the pin at 10:32.

Rating: B-. This felt rushed, which is probably the case as they seemed to want to be out by the top of the hour and had to hurry to get done on time. Strickland is going to be a heck of a talent in WWE due to how smooth he can be in the ring. Callihan was his usual vile self and the Crists were every bit as awesome as usual. Gacy didn’t show me much and Kingston was the same brawler he’s been for years, meaning your mileage may vary.

Post match Sami hugs Strickland. The announcers sign off but Sami grabs the mic and says he quit WWE for reasons like this. Sami saw something in him when no one else did and now it’s time for Shane to be the leader of this generation. Shane thanks the locker room because they’re his brothers. It took him ten years to get here and his first WrestleCon was in New York/New Jersey and now he’s leaving here as well. Strickland talks about wrestling in England, where everything just clicked and the confidence started coming in.

That’s where Swerve started to come together and what he wanted to show everyone: confidence. He was in the military as a teenage and had two kids when he was nineteen. Wrestling was in his heart then and it’s in his heart now because he’s traveled the world and met people everywhere. Have confidence in yourself and there is swerve in all of you. Awesome speech and Strickland could be a star in NXT.

Overall Rating: D+. I wasn’t feeling this one as there was just too much stuff going on to make it work. There were too many multi-man matches and trying to cram in as many people as you could. The wrestling was hit or miss, mainly because there wasn’t enough of a chance for anyone to stand out among everyone else. For a wild mess of a show it was passable, but it’s nothing that I’d want to watch again.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2000 Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Part 1 (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/02/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-thunder-reviews-volume-vii-january-june-2000/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

United We Stand
Date: April 4, 2019
Location: Rahway Recreation Center, Rahway, New Jersey
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Don Callis

It’s nice that Impact has finally realized that they should be running a show over Wrestlemania weekend. How that eluded them for so long isn’t clear but I think we can go with general reasons of “It’s Impact.” The main event here is Rob Van Dam(recently signed)/Sabu vs. the Lucha Bros in a match that isn’t likely to be as epic as the company expects. Let’s get to it.

Earlier today, Rob Van Dam showed up!

The opening video talks about how five companies (Impact, AAA, MLW, WrestlePro, MLW, Lucha Underground) are coming together for one show that shows what can happen when you unite.

Johnny Impact vs. Jake Crist vs. Dante Fox vs. Jack Evans vs. Pat Buck

Ultimate X (four structures with cables crossing over the ring and an X hanging in the middle) and the winner gets a future X-Division Title shot. Everyone goes to the floor to start with Johnny being smart enough to go straight for the X. Buck makes a save and handstands his way out of an RKO attempt, because Impact is known for his RKO’s. Austin comes back in and kicks Fox to the floor but gets pulled outside by Crist.

The camera misses a Crist dive and it’s Buck cutting Austin off and hiptossing him to the floor. Nearly everyone goes for a climb and the audio starts cutting in and out. Never change Impact. Fox pulls Impact off and Crist hits a superplex on Impact for a bonus. Buck gets pulled off and it’s a massive knockdown. Buck is up first but can’t get very far as the audio goes out again.

A Tower of Doom brings everyone down and Impact hits a spinning Razor’s Edge slam. Fox goes with a Coast to Coast instead of going up for the X and then hits an imploding moonsault. Austin one ups him with a dive OFF THE TOP OF THE STRUCTURE onto everyone for the huge knockdown. Back in and Buck spears Crist off the cables and Impact hits a Spanish Fly on Fox. Austin climbs up and hangs upside down, leaving Crist to hit a diving cutter. Impact uses the knockdown to pull down the X for the win at 13:01.

Rating: C+. It’s a bunch of people doing a bunch of dives and flips off a bunch of high structures. What else can you really expect here? Well perhaps not having the World Champion getting a title shot against the midcard champion? Impact vs. Swann should be a good match, though there might be better choices to pick from.

Moose yells at Eddie Edwards in the back and the audio is so bad that you can’t make out a word. Cage comes in and tells them to get on the same page. I’m sure you can figure out the story, but you should be able to hear the story as well.

Video on last year’s Impact vs. Lucha Underground show with varying levels of audio.

Team Impact vs. Team Lucha Underground

Impact: Brian Cage, Moose, Eddie Edwards

Lucha Underground: Drago, Daga, Marty the Moth Martinez, Aerostar

Impact is down 4-3 to start but there’s a replacement for….someone Impact isn’t exactly making clear. You know who the replacement is going to be. Who else could it be? OF COURSE IT’S TOMMY DREAMER BECAUSE IT’S ALWAYS TOMMY DREAMER!!! Eddie and Aerostar start things off with Aerostar snapping off a hurricanrana and Eddie rolling around into a standoff.

Marty and Tommy come in and it’s Martinez going to the ample gut. Drago comes in and snaps off most of a headscissors to Dreamer so it’s Cage coming in for a change of pace. Daga’s running headscissors just annoys Cage, who is right back with a backbreaker to take over. Moose and Cage get in an argument though and Daga takes over with some shots to Moose’s knees.

Cage comes back in to clear out most of the luchadors until Daga and Drago combine to kick him in the face. Everyone gets set outside for the dives and it’s Dreamer teasing a dive before going outside for more punching. He doesn’t dive because he’s old and fat you see. Dreamer spits water at them and we settle back down to Aerostar getting two off a cutter to Eddie.

Drago and Daga start taking turns on Eddie until he dropkicks Daga in the face. The tag brings Cage in and the power goes up in a hurry. Everything breaks down (you knew that was coming) and we go to the parade of secondary finishers. Cage loads up Daga for the F5 but Moose spears his partner, leaving Dreamer to cane Moose in the head. Marty’s double arm DDT finishes Dreamer at 10:22.

Rating: C-. Much like the opener, what are you expecting here? This was a bunch of people in one match, getting in as much stuff as they could at once. Dreamer taking the fall was a relief, but more than that I’m rather sad to see Lucha Underground being such an afterthought. The show is done and it’s sad that they’re trying to throw themselves out here like this with nothing to go on to next. At least they won though. That’s something right?

Taya Valkyrie is in a four way tonight but just like Johnny Impact, she’ll overcome the odds and win.

Knockouts Title: Rosemary vs. Jordynne Grace vs. Katie Forbes vs. Taya Valkyrie

Taya is defending and it’s one fall to a finish. Forbes dances and gyrates a lot with very big hair. Everyone goes after Rosemary, which is kind of a weird choice when Grace is right there. We go to the early exchange of rollups that have no chance of working and no one buys them as real near falls. Taya kicks at Katie in the corner and hits a running hip attack. Rosemary comes back in and shouts Taya down but Grace sends Rosemary shoulder first into the post.

A Vader Bomb gets two and a spinning Samoan drop plants Rosemary again. Forbes comes in with a bicycle kick for two on Grace but a collision puts all four down. Rosemary does her upside down triangle choke on Grace until Katie breaks it up. Grace’s missile dropkicks takes down Katie and Taya and it’s Grace slamming everyone in sight. Rosemary spears Taya but here’s Su Yung to draw Rosemary up the ramp. Forbes manages to fireman’s carry Grace for some squats but gets reversed into the Grace Driver. Not that it matters as Taya runs over and steals the pin to retain at 9:00.

Rating: D. They really missed here as there was no flow or structure to the match with a bunch of spots coming one after another. Taya stealing the win isn’t surprising as this isn’t going to be the kind of show where anything significant is going to happen. Not a good match and it really didn’t work, mainly due to trying to do too much.

Tessa Blanchard isn’t interested in what is between Joey Ryan’s legs.

Konnan is tired of disrespect from Low Ki and Ricky Martinez.

Low Ki/Ricky Martinez vs. LAX

It’s interesting how much less I care about Low Ki and Martinez without Salina de la Renta. Konnan is here with LAX though. Low Ki is back in the Hitman attire, which still doesn’t work. Ortiz and Martinez start things off and there’s no contact in the first minute. Make that two minutes and it’s off to Low Ki before anything happens. Santana and Low Ki finally lock up…and do it again…and a third time as they’re not exactly cranking up the work here. Ki puts on an armbreaker over the ropes to get in the first significant offense but everything breaks down for a standoff.

Martinez kicks Ortiz in the head at the five minute mark but a northern lights suplex gives Ortiz two. An assisted sitout flapjack plants Martinez for two but it’s Ki coming in off a blind tag to take over. Martinez comes back in for the Madison Rayne face thrusts into the mat and it’s Ki cranking on the neck. Santana finally avoids a charge and it’s off to Ortiz as the pace picks up.

A middle rope dropkick sends Ki down as the camera keeps cutting so much that it’s hard to get a clear shot of some of these moves. Martinez gets caught in the corner for a superkick into a Tower of London but Ki dives off the top for the save. Ortiz gets caught in an electric chair with Ki adding a Disaster Kick for a near fall of their own. Santana posts Ki though and a Death Valley Driver finishes Martinez at 12:38.

Rating: C-. Ki and Martinez weren’t exactly on fire here and as great as LAX are, they can only do so much. It’s not like the match is terrible or anything close to it, but it’s also not something I ever got into. The lack of Salina really does lower the interest levels in Martinez and Ki, but it could have been a lot worse.

Sami Callihan is ready to show Jimmy Havoc what Ohio violence is all about.

Tessa Blanchard vs. Joey Ryan

Before the match, Joey does his lollipop and baby oil deals. Joey offers to let Tessa touch it but she flips him off instead. A waistlock doesn’t get Tessa anywhere as Joey tries to make her touch it. Hang on though as Joey shouts something….and I can barely hear it. Whatever Joey asked, he gets tossed across the ring by the chest hair instead. Magnum gives Tessa two but Joey sends her outside for a posting. The arm is banged up and Joey makes it worse by bending it around the barricade. Back in and the arm work continues as Ryan can do a standard enough match if he’s willing to try.

Tessa comes back with a hurricanrana to send him outside, setting up a suicide dive. Back in and Tessa gets two off a Cannonball but he’s right back with an arm trap suplex. The Fujiwara armbar goes on but Tessa is back up with a springboard tornado DDT. A German suplex, meaning Joey grabs her by the chest for a suplex, followed by Tessa grabbing his crotch for the flip, gets two. The lollipop from the trunks goes into Tessa’s mouth for the near fall out of the superkick but Tessa breaks up a superplex. Magnum finishes Ryan at 10:48.

Rating: D-. Nope. I don’t find it funny and it’s so out of place three days before a women’s match is going to main event Wrestlemania. Tessa winning is the only call they could make but Joey’s act is old and played out. He’s been doing that same stuff for a long time now and I roll my eyes every time I hear about it because I don’t find it entertaining. It didn’t fit here but he got it in anyway because….well what else was he going to do?

X-Division Title: Rich Swann vs. Flamita

Swann is defending and we get a handshake. An exchange of shoulders doesn’t work so Swann knocks him outside for the big flip dive. Back in and Swann’s stepover kick to the back of the head gets two and it’s time for the slow form stomping. Swann chops away in the corner but misses a charge and takes the 619 in the corner.

A missile dropkick sends Swann outside and it’s a Backstabber for two on the champ back inside. More kicks to Flamita’s head set up a missed Phoenix splash and Flamita grabs the Spanish Fly. A 450 gets two and Flamita is frustrated. He hammers away at the champ until a Lethal Injection cuts him off. Now the Phoenix splash retains the title at 7:46.

Rating: C. Quick yet entertaining match here and that’s about all you could have asked them to do. Both guys can do so much more but what else can you do given less than eight minutes? Swann has become one of the better talents around and you don’t really ever see him have bad matches. That’s a pretty good role to play and he does it very well.

Rob Van Dam and Sabu say (yes Sabu talks) that they’re Rob Van Dam and Sabu.

Jimmy Havoc vs. Sami Callihan

Monster’s Ball, meaning a street fight. They both bring weapons to the ring but Sami goes back to get some extras. You wouldn’t want to be unprepared. Jimmy pokes him in the eyes to start and it’s already time for a staple gun to Sami’s chest. Another staple to the crotch has Sami in trouble until he gets in a bell shot to the face. More weapons are thrown in and Jimmy is already bleeding.

The spit chop only hits the post but Sami’s hand is fine enough to run into….I have no idea actually as the camera missed it. Havoc stops for some water so Sami chairs him in the face and it’s time for a fight on the apron. Sami gets out of a piledriver and hits one of his own on the apron to really take over. Well as much as you’re going to take over in a hardcore match. Sami staples his way out of a sunset flip and then staples pieces of newspaper to different parts of Havoc.

Some frying pan shots to the head let Sami take a bow and we bust out the lemon juice into the open wound. Havoc gets caught in a trashcan and beaten with a chair but fights back anyway and manages to get the better of it. A paper cut to the mouth has Sami in trouble and it’s time to take off Sami’s shoes. That means another paper cut to the toes with actual salt being poured into the wound. A Death Valley Driver into the trashcan gets two and it’s time for the Legos. The Cactus Piledriver onto the Legos gives Sami one but another one onto some open chairs finishes Havoc at 13:51.

Rating: C-. Picture any hardcore match you’ve seen in recent years, though minute the barbed wire. I can only get so much into these things because there just isn’t much to the things. Both guys are best known for their violent stuff and when you see it so often, it kind of loses whatever impact it can have. As has been the case all night: it could have been worse, but it’s nothing that got my attention.

The announcers recap the show so far.

Rob Van Dam/Sabu vs. Lucha Bros

Non title and it’s anything goes. We start with CERO MIEDO vs. ROB VAN DAM so the fans deem it awesome before any contact is made. Sabu finally starts punching and we’re at a standoff after two minutes. They head outside and it makes a lot more sense to go with the brawling instead of making the mistake of trying to have a match. Sabu stumbles through the Arabian press and Rob hits the spinning legdrop for two.

Pentagon kicks them both down and Sabu gets kicked a second time to make it even worse. The wheelbarrow splash gets two on Rob and it’s already time for a table. Sabu gets in a DDT on Pentagon and the Bros are put on the table for the Five Star/top rope legdrop as they try to turn back the clock again. Fenix chairs Rob to the floor and it’s a double superkick into the spike Fear Factor for the pin at 8:05.

Rating: D. Well what else were you expecting here? Van Dam and Sabu are both up there in years (Sabu is the older of the two at 54) and you’re not going to get much else out of them. Their one big spot looked good enough but this was all about the Lucha Bros doing what they could to cover up the rest of the match. It was fine for a nice little nostalgia moment, and thankfully that’s really all it’s going to be.

The lights go out as they shake hands and pose to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. And that’s being generous. Between the production issues (audio cutting out earlier in the night, theme music being so loud you could barely hear commentary and the music cutting off instead of fading out), the lack of anything significant happening, most of the matches not being very good and the incredibly dim lighting that made it look like they were in the dark most of the night, it came off like a pretty amateurish show, which isn’t a good sign for a promotion as big (and old) as Impact. Not a disaster, but more pedestrian stuff that isn’t going to draw anyone back in.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2000 Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Part 1 (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/02/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-thunder-reviews-volume-vii-january-june-2000/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Smackdown
Date: November 4, 2004
Location: Savvis Center, St. Louis, Missouri
Attendance: 5,500
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

We’re coming up on Survivor Series and after last week, we know most of what we have for most of the pay per view. The problem is that means we know what’s coming and that’s not the most appealing thing in the world. Last week’s show wasn’t the most interesting in the world with a long Orlando Jordan match making it even worse. Hopefully that’s not the case this week so let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

We open with a look at the Tough Enough guys having to work out a lot today, then eat pasta and drink milk before working out again. After two hours of training, it’s time to go to the ring for the opening of the show.

The Tough Enough finalists are in the ring and Al Snow brings out Kurt Angle as a special guest. Angle yells at all of them and threatens most of them, mainly telling them to shut up, though Mizanin does get an MTV SUCKS. Justice has nothing to say and starts smiling, which doesn’t sit well with Angle. He brings up last week’s issues with Big Show, which didn’t impress him.

Angle shot Big Show with a tranquilizer and shaved his head because that’s tough. This is Angle’s ring and in Angle’s ring, you’re the St. Louis Cardinals and he’s the Boston Red Sox (recent World Series matchup with the Red Sox sweeping the Cardinals). Yeah they have a chance to win a million dollars and for that he hates them because he didn’t earn it. Angle has them back up and demonstrates six squat thrusts.

Tonight we’re having a competition with the winner being the person who can do the most squat thrusts. They all mess up the first one and as the competition goes on, here’s a two minute recap of last week’s segment with Big Show. Back with referee Charles Robinson helping to judge and they pick up the pace as Justice is the first eliminated after nearly four minutes of exercising. More eliminations get us down to Puder and Nawrocki with Puder being eliminated seconds later. Nawrocki’s reward: a match with Angle right now. Total time spent watching seven wrestling hopefuls do exercises: five minutes.

Kurt Angle vs. Chris Nawrocki

Angle wrestles him down for a pin in 29 seconds, breaking Chris’ ribs in the process.

We’re still not done yet as Puder volunteers to face Angle as well.

Kurt Angle vs. Daniel Puder

Angle takes him down into a front facelock and we get a LOUD UFC chant. They grapple against the ropes and Puder gets a keylock but Angle gets on top of him for a pin, despite the shoulder pretty clearly being up.

From what I (a casual UFC fan at best) can tell, Puder would have snapped his arm as the hold was in full and Robinson was smart enough to count the pin before Angle had his arm broken or had to tap out. It’s not surprising as Puder has experience in this kind of fighting, though I do wonder how hard Angle was actually going against him.

Still though, Puder had a chance and went for it so good for him. I mean, not the best idea in the world for your long term career, but if you’re told it’s a real fight and you have that kind of training, this could happen. He caught Angle off guard, showing why this was a pretty bad idea from WWE’s side of things.

Post match Angle talks trash to Puder and tells him to stay off his back in a wrestling contest. Angle declares none of them tough enough and wants them out of his face.

We look back at Booker T. beating Orlando Jordan last week to earn a shot at JBL at Survivor Series.

JBL slaps Josh Matthews in the face for asking about Jordan losing. Jordan threatens him too and Josh stands up for himself, saying he’s tired of taking this kind of abuse. Josh says Jordan needs to have his head in the game rather than stuck inside JBL.

Booker T. vs. Orlando Jordan

Twenty minutes of Tough Enough, a Josh Matthews promo and now an Orlando Jordan match??? Is WWE mad at the fans for some reason? Booker strikes away in the corner to start and slaps on an armbar. The forearm cuts off Jordan’s offense and it’s right back to the armbar. A superkick drops Jordan again and there’s a spinebuster, drawing in JBL for the DQ.

Post match it’s the Clothesline From JBL to knock Booker out.

Spike Dudley tells Bubba Ray and D-Von to get rid of Big Show tonight so they can be on Team Angle at Survivor Series. Spike even has a plan: go to the ring and call out Big Show. Tables are encouraged. I’m still trying to figure out why Spike is in this role.

Josh Matthews comes in to see Theodore Long and is told to be professional. Booker barges in and wants JBL and Jordan tonight. That’s fine with Long, who gives him Josh as a partner. E pluribus gads what in the world is this show supposed to be? Is Josh some advertisement for Tough Enough? Is that the best thing they can do on a show like this?

The Dudleys are in the ring with Spike standing on a table and demanding Big Show come out here RIGHT NOW. Show comes out and gets distracted by Spike so a low blow can set up a 3D. Another table is brought in and Show chokeslams both of them through, leaving Spike to run while talking trash at the same time. I’m glad we established that the Big Show is in fact tough.

Post break Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak ask Angle who he can get as a fourth man. Angle says he has that covered and walks over to Carlito and Jesus to ask if Carlito wants in. Carlito swallows the apple and shakes Kurt’s hand.

Raw Rebound. We’re about forty five minutes into this show and, counting the Tough Enough matches, we’ve had about three and a half minutes of wrestling.

Rey Mysterio comes up to Rob Van Dam and speaks Spanish. Rob: “Little Timmy is stuck in the well???” They’re ready for their tag match.

Rob Van Dam/Rey Mysterio vs. Mark Jindrak/Luther Reigns

Rey and Jindrak start things off with Mark not exactly looking impressed. The Rick Rude hip swivel takes too long and Rey pounds away on the ribs, setting up a headscissors into the corner. Van Dam comes in for the split legged moonsault but Jindrak drives him into the corner for the tag off to Reigns. A kick to the face doesn’t do much to slow him down so it’s a belly to back suplex into a chinlock to slow Van Dam down.

Another kick to the face works better for Rob so it’s back to Rey for the springboard seated senton. Jindrak breaks up the 619 though and we take a break. Back with Rey fighting out of a chinlock but getting caught in a half nelson driver. Jindrak sends him hard into the corner and let’s hit the uninterrupted hip swivel here. We also hit the chinlock as this isn’t exactly thrilling stuff.

The villains nearly miss a double shoulder so Reigns goes with the more accurate stomping to the back. That’s enough action though and it’s back to Jindrak for a double arm crank. The bearhug goes on, which is exactly the move you knew was coming. Rey finally grabs a tornado DDT to plant Reigns and it’s back to Van Dam as a few of the things break down. Rey backdrops Van Dam into a moonsault with Reigns having to make the save. The 619 knocks Jindrak into the Five Star for the pin.

Rating: D. I know I wanted more wrestling but I was hoping for something a little less sluggish than this one. Jindrak and Reigns are as lame of a pair of lackeys as you’re going to get and this was as much of a showcase of their shortcomings as you were going to find. Really dull match here and the last thing this show needed.

Post match Carlito and Jesus come out to throw Van Dam and Mysterio inside for the big beatdown. Eddie Guerrero makes the save with a chair.

Survivor Series rundown.

We look back at Undertaker signing to face Heidenreich and threatening Paul Heyman last week.

Eddie comes in to see Long and is told that Mysterio will be off the team. Mysterio will now be in a four way for the Cruiserweight Title with Spike Dudley, Chavo Guerrero and Billy Kidman. Therefore, Eddie needs to find a replacement and he has until next week. Long: “Comprende playa?”

We recap Jackie attacking Dawn Marie last week for suggesting that Dawn is having an affair with Charlie Haas.

And now: ARM WRESTLING! Dawn comes out first and dedicates her victory to Charlie Haas. They’re both in barely there clothes and Cole gets in the most interesting thing about this whole deal: these two have the same birthday. Dawn actually doesn’t waste time and just headbutts Jackie to start the catfight.

Haas comes in on crutches but here’s Heidenreich to beat him up. Jackie’s save attempt goes as well as you would expect as Heyman comes out saying that Heidenreich is going to get fired. Heyman keeps telling Heidenreich that it’s not Undertaker but Heidenreich gives Haas a shoulder breaker and the Undertaker folded arms pose.

Here are Snow and the Tough Enough guys again so here’s a recap of their evening so far. All of the contestants are presented for your voting consideration. Before they’re done, here’s Torrie Wilson to say they’ll be put to the ultimate test next week. At the start of next week’s show, they’ll be taking the Torrie Wilson Sex Test. They better be up to the challenge. Torrie looks at all of them to wrap this up.

Video on Big Show vs. Kurt Angle before their match next week.

Booker T./Josh Matthews vs. Orlando Jordan/John Bradshaw Layfield

JBL and Jordan get a jobbers’ entrance. Thankfully Booker and JBL start things off (yes JBL really is one of the two best options in this one) with Booker hammering away up against the ropes. A few shots in the corner have JBL in trouble but a shoulder drops Booker in short order. Jordan comes in and gets kicked in the face, drawing JBL for a failed save attempt as he elbows Jordan by mistake (or maybe because getting rid of Jordan improves his chances).

A superkick sends JBL outside and it’s off to Josh, who hits a rather nice high crossbody to Jordan. There’s a dropkick to knock JBL off the apron and it’s back to Booker but JBL gets in a forearm to knock Booker into Josh for a tag. Booker goes into the steps to make it even worse so Josh jumps on JBL’s back and ruffles his hair a bit. Jordan comes in and throws Josh around as the shirt comes off. The slow beating continues until Booker finally gets up and kicks Jordan in the head, allowing Josh to make the tag. Booker cleans house, hits a Book End on each, and pins Jordan.

Rating: D. You have to give this one a bit of a break as it’s a match involving someone whose training ended with Tough Enough. I get that it’s some way of advertising Tough Enough and showing that the show means something, but it’s a bad sign that Josh’s stuff looked equal to if not better than Maven’s from Raw. Booker winning was fine and they kept it short, but it’s still not a great idea.

Josh is out cold to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. This was a different kind of terrible as it wasn’t a show where it felt like no one was trying. Instead, this felt like a show where their best ideas and a good enough effort just didn’t work. The biggest problem is of course Tough Enough, which took up nearly a third of the whole show. I get that WWE has gone reality show crazy but it doesn’t work as this big of a part of the weekly TV show. You can only get so much out a segment like that as these people are just names with little more than their looks to distinguish themselves. It’s still miles ahead of the Diva Search, but the extra time brings it back down.

Then there’s everything else and EGADS it’s not getting any better. The rest of the show featured a story including a backstage announcer, an arm wrestling segment, Spike Dudley and a very long, dull tag match. And now I’m supposed to want to watch the best of this show on pay per view? Like I said they were trying out there but it’s such bad material with almost no one interesting (Booker is very good, but he’s not exactly exciting in the role) around. It really goes to show you how valuable Cena is to this show, but they could use a name or two from Raw to breathe some life into the show because this was a complete failure.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2000 Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Part 1 (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/02/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-thunder-reviews-volume-vii-january-june-2000/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Wrestlemania XXXIV
Date: April 8, 2018
Location: Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana
Attendance: 78,133
Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Jonathan Coachman, Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton

So here we are. After all these months, we’ve finally arrived at Wrestlemania and as JR has put it, it don’t get no bigger than this. The main event is Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar (THIS TIME FOR SURE!), along with Ronda Rousey making her long awaited in-ring debut. It’s hard to say what to expect, other than a very long show with a lot of stuff crammed in. Let’s get to it.

I was in the stadium for this show. My seat was in the lower arena in the corner, opposite the hard camera. I was looking almost directly at the upper right hand ring post.

Kickoff Show: Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Apollo, Shelton Benjamin, Konnor, Mike Kanellis, Primo Colon, R-Truth, Dolph Ziggler, Matt Hardy, Baron Corbin Scott Dawson, Fandango, Mojo Rawley, Chad Gable, Luke Gallows, Dash Wilder, Aiden English, Heath Slater, Viktor, Curtis Axel, Tyler Breeze, Bo Dallas, Rhyno, Titus O’Neil, Kane, Tye Dillinger, Goldust, Curt Hawkins, Sin Cara, Zack Ryder, Karl Anderson

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are in on commentary for this, along with Saxton. I was coming into the stadium as the wrestlers came down the ramp so my timing couldn’t have been much better. As usual, it’s almost impossible to tell what’s going on to start until Aiden English is eliminated. Anderson gets rid of Viktor and it’s already time for Ziggler to do his last second saves.

There goes Hawkins (who I still can’t wait to see actually win something) R-Truth and Goldust reunite for all of eight seconds before Goldust tosses him. With an incorrect countdown to Wrestlemania clock on the screen, Primo is eliminated as well. Mike Kanellis is out (I forgot he worked here too) as Byron tries to explain the Woken Universe to JR. With Jim not exactly sounding interested, Apollo knees Breeze out.

Viktor is out next and the ring is starting to clear a bit, at least to the point where you can at least see the mat. Matt does his rapid fire rams into the buckles to rock Goldust, drawing another DELETE chant. Ryder loads up the Broski Boot on Ziggler but Mojo Rawley runs him over for another elimination to make the fans hate him even more. Gable eliminates Anderson and Titus gets rid of Gallows and we take a break.

Back (After they showed the commercial in the stadium. You know, the place WHERE WE’RE WATCHING WHAT THEY’RE ADVERTISING!) with Revival getting rid of Apollo. Wilder is sent to the apron but a Dawson save allows them to eliminate Benjamin instead. The Revival is sent out at the same time, followed by Kane getting rid of the Miztourage. We cut to the crowd where John Cena is watching as a fan (because of course he is) and come back to see Cara being tossed as well.

Kane uppercuts Fandango out and Slater makes the mistake of going to the apron, allowing Corbin to get rid of him as well. Gable joins him on the floor, leaving us with Corbin, Goldust, Rawley, Ziggler, Fandango, Kane, O’Neil and Dillinger. That means a Kane vs. Corbin showdown but everyone else interferes before anything happens. Titus starts cleaning house and throws Ziggler over his shoulders, only to get superkicked and clotheslined out. Goldust snaps off the powerslam to Ziggler and it’s Shattered Dreams to Tye.

Ziggler is ready for him though and dumps Goldust but gets punched down by Hardy. That gives us the TEN vs. DELETE showdown, which I didn’t know I needed to see. A Twist of Fate is enough to get rid of Dillinger, followed by Ziggler superkicking Kane’s hands. Kane dumps him without much effort but Corbin dumps his fellow giant to get us down to Mojo, Corbin and Hardy. A fireman’s carry faceplant drops Hardy and the double teaming begins. Not that it matters as we’ve got Bray Wyatt to save Hardy, allowing him to eliminate Rawley. Wyatt takes End of Days but Matt gets rid of Corbin to win at 16:34 as Wyatt wasn’t entered.

Rating: D-. Yeah this was terrible, running WAY too long and making me wonder when it was going to be over. So many of these people just don’t need to be on Wrestlemania (Hawkins, Ascension, R-Truth, Primo, Kanellis, Rawley to name a few) and they’re just extending the show by being in this. Matt winning makes the most sense as it’s not like many other people in the match are doing anything at the moment.

Matt and Bray pose post match as Bray is officially good. Now just don’t get injured and lose your spot again.

Kickoff Show: Cruiserweight Title: Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali

The title is vacant coming in, Drake Maverick is at ringside and Ali is SubZero for some reason. Cedric shouts a lot and they shake hands for the sake of good sportsmanship. An exchange of shoulders goes to Cedric so Ali snaps off a hurricanrana for our first standoff. Back up and Cedric flips away to grab a headscissors, followed by a dropkick for two. Ali gets sent to the floor and taken down by a big flip dive but there’s no commercial, despite the announcers sounding like they were sending us to one. Nice change of pace for once.

Back in and we hit a waistlock to keep Ali down and a high backdrop gives Cedric two. Another waistlock and a knee to the ribs keep Cedric on target as he certainly has a game plan. Cedric plants him with a Spanish Fly and counters a tornado DDT by crotching Ali on top. With Ali stunned, Cedric goes up as well but gets caught in a super Spanish Fly, which even impresses Cena. The 054 is broken up with a shove to the floor and now we go to the inset ad for Rousey’s debut. At least they didn’t show this in the stadium, which would have almost been just as annoying as showing the whole thing.

Back with Cedric getting caught in a reverse hurricanrana and now the tornado DDT connects. The 054 hits this time but Cedric gets his foot on the ropes. Another 054 attempt misses and Alexander elbows him in the head. Ali gets elbowed down again and the Lumbar Check gives him the title at 12:18.

Rating: B-. This was a lot less competitive than I remember it being as Alexander dominated from the beginning and ran over Ali save for a little flurry near the end. Alexander winning is the right call and I’m glad neither of them went heel here. They both looked good but Ali was a step behind what he usually does here. I had a good time with it and Cedric winning is a feel good moment. That’s all you could ask for here.

Kickoff Show: Wrestlemania Women’s Battle Royal

Naomi, Carmella, Mandy Rose, Peyton Royce, Liv Morgan, Kavita Devi, Sarah Logan, Dakota Kai, Sasha Banks, Mickie James, Bianca Belair, Becky Lynch, Kairi Sane, Taynara Conti, Sonya Deville, Lana, Bayley, Ruby Riott, Natalya, Dana Brooke

Paige and Beth Phoenix are on commentary. Royce, Devi, Kai, Belair, Sane and Conti are from NXT. Lynch, Bayley and Banks are the only ones to get entrances. Carmella poses with the briefcase at the bell and gets gang attacked, meaning it’s an early elimination. It’s Dana being circled (Dana: “THAT’S NOT NICE!”) and gang attacked for the elimination.

Everything breaks down and the NXT women stand tall, meaning it’s time for the required NXT chant. Becky yells at Devi for stealing the orange look and gets slammed for her complaints. Mandy gets tossed and Paige is panicking. Deville is slammed down and Belair is allowed to hit a 450 as we take a break.

Back with Sane being tossed after hitting the Insane Elbow on Riott during the commercial. Devi is tossed and Conti is knocked out a few seconds later. Belair whips Becky with the hair but gets kicked out in short order. Kai kicks Naomi in the face to put her under the ropes and out to the floor. Banks gets rid of Kai and Riott punches Mickie out. Now it’s Royce firing off some kicks but the Riott Squad superkick her out to a chorus of boos.

We’re down to the Squad, Natalya, Banks, Bayley and Naomi on the floor. Natalya suplexes Riott and Logan down but Bayley saves Sasha from the same. Bayley and Sasha get rid of Natalya, Morgan, Riott and Logan in short order. They stare each other down and Bayley gets the quick elimination. Cue Naomi though and the Rear View is good for the win at 9:49.

Rating: D+. I liked it better than the men’s version (that’s not exactly a high bar to clear) but egads what is the point in giving this to Naomi? She’s been doing a grand total of nothing in recent weeks (months really) and there was a story between Banks and Bayley. This feels like giving Orton the Royal Rumble last year in that someone has to win it, even if

And now, the main show.

Khloe and Halle sing America the Beautiful. They’re billed as “the future of music” but I’m not convinced. If that’s the case, I’d expect an original song.

The opening video is about having a good time, just like it was four years ago. The camera walks through the streets of New Orleans and goes into a cafe/club before someone goes onto a balcony to throw beads down to a crowd below. The regular highlight package, set to Kid Rock’s Celebrate and mixed with Wrestlemania XXX highlights (good choice really), takes us into the stadium and my goodness the set looks amazing. It’s designed to look like a Mardi Gras mask, though the bottom looks like a huge mustache over the entrance. Also, several of the wrestlers’ eyes will appear in the mask for a very cool touch.

Intercontinental Title: Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor vs. The Miz

Miz is defending after both challengers beat him in one night, which is totally the same thing or something. Rollins has blue contacts in, I guess making him the ice to the fire that burns it down? Still though, looks pretty cool. In another cool addition, there are some personalized 3D projections for some wrestlers, including Miz’s name with quotes around him saying how great and awesome Miz is. These could only be seen on the monitors so I didn’t notice them until the second match.

Miz, looking even goofier than usual with what looks like a red version of Drew Gulak’s old gear, sends the Miztourage to the back so he can do this on his own. Balor has a rainbow shirt on with a group of fans in identical shirts cheering him on from the stage. The screens say “for everyone” with FOR EVER capitalized.

Balor sends Miz into Rollins to start and some rollups get two for all three of them. With Miz being sent outside, Rollins superkicks Balor in the ribs, only to get sent outside. That means a big flip dive onto the two of them as Balor gets the first real advantage. Everyone heads back inside with Rollins hitting a double Blockbuster for two on Balor. Miz takes Rollins down and grabs a chinlock for a few seconds to slow things down. A neckbreaker gets two on Balor and it’s back to the chinlock.

Balor fights up and stomps on Miz’s ribs but gets caught with a Sling Blade from Rollins. Seth isn’t done and hits a suicide dive on both guys, only to get caught in a Sling Blade from Balor. Miz’s short DDT gets two on Seth and he boots Rollins in the face to break up a springboard. A dragon screw legwhip sets up the Figure Four on Balor but here’s Rollins with a frog splash for the break. That looked much better on screen as you didn’t see Rollins until he was on the top and ready to jump.

They all head outside again with Balor escaping the shoulder breaking barricade bomb. Instead it’s a Sling Blade to put Rollins down but he’s back up with an enziguri to rock Balor. That earns him a Pele and the 1916 for two as Balor is stunned. Miz catches Balor on top but gets caught in a buckle bomb, leaving Balor to take the superplex into a Falcon Arrow but Balor reverses into a small package for two. A Skull Crushing Finale gets two on Rollins to cap off a rocking sequence.

Another Finale is reversed into a rollup for two but Balor gets crotched on top. Rollins goes up top with him but Miz is right there with a super Skull Crushing Finale (looked better than it sounds). The cover is broken up with a Coup de Grace and a second hits Miz clean. Rollins runs over with a Stomp to drive Balor’s head into Miz’s back, followed by the regular version to pin Miz for the title at 15:30.

Rating: B. This was the kind of match you expect from the Intercontinental Title as all three were working hard and the match felt very crisp at the same time. Miz will get the title back someday and break both records, as he should. I’m sure Balor will get the title as well, which is nothing but good for the Intercontinental Title. If nothing else it’s cool to see the former World Champions becoming Intercontinental Champions. That wasn’t always the case (After Pedro Morales, the next former World Champion to win an Intercontinental Title was HHH in 2001) but it’s a good way to give the title some more instant credibility.

Ad for the Andre documentary. I’ve heard good things.

Cena is still a fan. How cool would it be to have him next to you at Wrestlemania?

We recap Charlotte vs. Asuka, which is title vs. streak. Charlotte has dominated the Women’s Division for nearly three years now but Asuka hasn’t a match since debuting in late 2015. The match here is Queen vs. Empress with Charlotte saying she’s ready for Asuka.

Smackdown Women’s Title: Charlotte vs. Asuka

Charlotte is defending and copies HHH’s entrance from Wrestlemania XXX with a throne and three masked men helping her off. These three: Riddick Moss, Tino Sabbatelli and Dan Matha. I’m assuming this was something about she once helped HHH off the throne but now she has her own, but it felt like a tribute to HHH more than anything else. Asuka on the other hand has 3D masks superimposed over her entrance. You know, in case it wasn’t scary enough already.

They fight over a wristlock to start with both of them flipping away, leaving Charlotte to hit the strut. Charlotte trips her down and goes for the leg but Asuka kicks her away, setting up a knee shot for two. Back up and Asuka’s hip attack is blocked so it’s time for the chops. The second hip attack sends Charlotte outside and you can see the cockiness on Asuka’s face.

Charlotte gets back in and it’s time to start cranking on the arm to set up the Asuka Lock. It’s way too early for that though so Charlotte strikes her in the face a few times but has to break another attempt. This time it’s a backpack Stunner to get Charlotte out of trouble and some knees to the head (think the Stomp but with a knee) put Asuka down again. The moonsault misses though as Asuka catches her in a triangle (SWEET!) in the middle of the ring.

That’s reverses into a Boston crab but Asuka rolls her way out of it. They head to the apron (becoming way too common) and Asuka suplexes her down to the floor in a big crash. Back in and the missile dropkick puts Charlotte down for two and Asuka is getting frustrated. They go up top and it’s a super Spanish Fly (I believe that’s three on the night so far) to give Charlotte a big breather.

Natural Selection is countered into something like an Octopus Hold on the mat before switching to the Asuka Lock. Charlotte reverses that with a rollup before cutting Asuka in half with a spear for a VERY near fall. With Asuka half done, Charlotte grabs the Figure Eight, balancing on one hand because of the banged up arm. After hanging on as long as she can, Asuka ACTUALLY TAPS to retain Charlotte’s title at 13:05.

Rating: A-. I was kind of stunned at the amount of time this had as I would have bet on it being at least five minutes longer. This felt like a clash of titans and Charlotte winning gives her a very strong case for being the best of all time. Aside from not being around as long as some others, she has the resume, skill and pure skill to make her the best WWE has ever seen.

Having Asuka do a lot of her usual stuff (albeit cranked up a few notches) was a great way to set up the match as Charlotte was able to hang on and use what she had seen along with her natural athleticism to be ready for what Asuka brought. It was hard hitting, told a story and was an instant classic. Great stuff here, which shouldn’t be that surprising.

Post match Asuka says Charlotte was ready for Asuka and congratulates her.

With Charlotte on the ramp and Asuka in the ring, a referee tells Cena something (the words “Taker is here” may have been spoken) so Cena jumps the barricade (security around here sucks) and sprints up the ramp. That took something away from the women’s moment. Do the commercial and then move on to the Cena angle. It’s not going to make that much of a difference and lets the women have their full moment.

US Title: Bobby Roode vs. Rusev vs. Jinder Mahal vs. Randy Orton

Orton is defending after having a three way feud with Roode and Mahal for the last few weeks. Rusev pinned Orton in a tag match to be added, along with being one of the hottest guys in the company. Aiden English (who has gotten his hair cut since the battle royal) introduces Rusev, in rhyme of course. You can see the fans heading for the concourse during the entrances, which is rather interesting given how popular Rusev was over the weekend. Aside from a Wrestlemania shirt, I saw more Rusev Day shirts than anything else. I guess the repelling powers of Mahal and Orton are too much even for Rusev Day.

The early threat of an RKO sends Mahal bailing to the floor and Rusev dropkicks Roode to the floor. Rusev cannonballs off the apron to take out Orton and Mahal as Phillips acknowledges the popularity of Rusev Day. Back in and Roode’s Blockbuster gets two, leaving Mahal to get punched back and forth between Roode and Orton. A superplex brings Roode down but it’s Mahal asking Rusev for an alliance.

Rusev, realizing that he should have been Mahal last year, stomps Mahal down in the corner instead before getting two off a belly to back suplex. Roode is back with a spinebuster for two on Mahal but gets posted by Orton. Now it’s Rusev kicking Orton down until a spinwheel kick misses. The hanging DDT plants Rusev and English is starting to panic. A pair of RKO’s take out English and Rusev, followed by one to Mahal for a near fall with Roode making the save. Mahal takes a Machka Kick but can’t get the Accolade. Instead he has to deal with Sunil Singh and walks into the Khallas to make Mahal champion at 8:15.

Rating: D. And that is the big middle finger to the fans who thought they were getting somewhere with the Rusev Day chants. WWE wants Jinder Mahal to be pushed in this role and the lack of success and complete apathy to his push means nothing. This is what WWE wants and you can chant RUSEV DAY and buy his merchandise all you want. Mahal is WWE’s guy right now and you can just deal with it until they’re tired of him. Rusev taking the fall here is all the evidence you need: your voices don’t matter here and get over it. The match was as uninteresting as these four were going to be, which was completely expected.

The Fashion Police try to give Mick Foley a ticket but Breeze likes his style, driving Fandango to his knees in terror.

We recap Ronda Rousey/Kurt Angle vs. HHH/Stephanie McMahon. Rousey signed with WWE earlier in the year but Angle thinks HHH and Stephanie are just trying to use her. This set off a feud between the two teams with Rousey beating HHH much, only to have Stephanie put her through a table. The match was set up because Rousey needs a debut and putting her in a tag match is the best possible idea. It lets them hide her negatives and accentuate her positives so this has some potential. Of course there’s also the potential that it’s really just about Stephanie, which certainly wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility.

Stephanie McMahon/HHH vs. Ronda Rousey/Kurt Angle

In a near repeat of last year, HHH and Stephanie come out on matching motorcycles with a group of motorcycles accompanying them. I don’t know if HHH is just that big a fan of motorcycles or if he just wanted to see his wife as a biker chick again (fair enough) but this didn’t do much for me. Rousey comes out in a Roddy Piper style kilt, in what shouldn’t be a shock to anyone paying attention whatsoever. The fans give Rousey a nice reaction and Stephanie pie faces her before the bell. They’re already milking the heck out of Rousey murdering her and a hair pull makes things even worse.

The men start things off with the fans telling Angle that he still has it. Angle cranks on the arm as they’re actually treating this like a tag match to start. Stephanie offers a low bridge though and HHH sends him into the steps to really take over. A suplex brings Angle back inside and we’re just waiting on this to explode. Back in and HHH calls for and delivers a spinebuster for two. Angle kicks him away and nearly into Stephanie but HHH puts the brakes on in time. A suplex drops HHH, only to have Stephanie pull Rousey off the apron. I’ll give Stephanie this: she knows how to be an amazing heel.

Another kick to the floor is enough for the tag to Rousey and the place goes coconuts. Rousey EXPLODES into the corner (Graves: “CALL THE COPS!”) to pull Stephanie in and scores with a running clothesline. With Stephanie in big trouble (Rouse: “COME ON B****!”), Rousey takes her into the corner and unloads with rights and lefts before throwing Stephanie again. It’s already time for the arm….and Stephanie blocks it by stacking her up.

You can hear the air go out of the stadium, mainly because STEPHANIE MCMAHON JUST BLOCKED THE ARMBAR THAT MMA FIGHTERS (not to mention Olympic level athletes) COULDN’T BLOCK! I mean, is anyone really surprised? It’s the dumbest, most Stephanie praising thing that could have been done so of course they went there. Rousey lets go and gets DDT’d as the announcers try to explain that Stephanie grew up in wrestling so she knows how to do that. Ignore that she’s wrestled one match in over fourteen years; she knows wrestling.

Back up and Rousey goes into Beast Mode, setting up a spinning Samoan drop for two with HHH pulling the referee out. Rousey: “You’re the biggest cheater I’ve ever seen! I’m going to go continue beating up your wife ok?” HHH pulls Rousey outside as well but Angle takes him onto the announcers’ table. Kurt gets thrown onto the other table so HHH can check on Stephanie. He turns around to see Rousey though and it’s time for some intergender violence.

You can see HHH thinking about it and the fans are WAY into this one. He finally agrees to it and Rousey UNLOADS on him with rights and lefts to drive HHH into the corner. A fireman’s carry has HHH in trouble but Stephanie makes the save. This was GREAT with HHH selling the heck out of the beating and making Rousey look that much better. Stephanie slaps Rousey for some reason and the chase is on, this time with Stephanie sending him into the barricade.

HHH takes Rousey down though and it’s time for Angle to unleash the suplexes. The rolling German suplexes have HHH in trouble but he tries a quick Pedigree. That’s reversed into a catapult into the corner (he always takes that so well) and the Angle Slam gets two. There go the straps (that never gets old) but Stephanie breaks up the ankle lock. Angle doesn’t seem to mind and puts the ankle lock on her (doesn’t look great this time around). That’s broken up with a Pedigree but Rousey makes a save.

A powerbomb attempt to Rousey is countered into a hurricanrana (good one too) and there’s the armbar on HHH. The place (including me) goes even more nuts until Stephanie makes the save with a sleeper (called a rear naked choke, which of course Stephanie knows how to do). That’s reversed into another armbar attempt but Stephanie blocks AGAIN.

The ankle lock goes on HHH and the villains grab hands until HHH sends Angle into the women for the break. Angle and Rousey both get posted and it’s time for the double Pedigree. Kurt sends HHH to the floor and the armbar….is blocked for a third time. Rousey FINALLY gets it on and Stephanie taps at 20:38. Dana White is shown applauding Rousey from the front row.

Rating: A-. I can’t give it anything higher than that due to Stephanie going toe to toe with Rousey (at grappling nonetheless) but this was INCREDIBLY fun and far better than anything I was expecting. They pulled every trick they could to make Rousey look better here and it worked to near perfection. She looked like someone who had been doing this for years and came off like a star who is in this for the long haul. Absolutely incredible here and as entertaining as it could have been. I had a blast, Stephanie issues aside. The ending was fine and the most important part, so we’ll call this a major success.

Smackdown Tag Team Titles: New Day vs. Bludgeon Brothers vs. Usos

The Usos are defending, the New Day has 3D pancakes and, with the call of the DragonZord, Woods’ trombone summons an army of little people dressed like pancakes. I do like the Bludgeon Brothers’ logo with the arms holding hammers to make a B. Kofi wastes no time hitting Trouble in Paradise on Jimmy but Harper makes the save. The Brothers pulls Big E. to the floor for a beating and then powerbomb Woods into the post for good measure.

Back in and Kofi’s beating continues but Jimmy tags himself in and starts kicking away. Some superkicks do a little good but Harper shoves Jimmy into the corner. Jey tags himself in as well (must be a family thing) and starts kicking away, only to have Rowan break up the double Us.

A superkick takes Rowan off the apron…but he catches the double suicide dive. The Usos don’t mind and suplex him down on the floor, leaving Harper to escape the Midnight Hour. Back in and Rowan breaks up the Tower of Doom by shoving the champs to the floor. For some reason Kofi charges at Harper on the top, setting up an assisted super sitout powerbomb to give Harper and Rowan the titles at 5:55.

Rating: D+. This feels like a victim of time but it’s not the worst thing in the world. They went out of their way to make the Brothers look like killers and that’s exactly what happened here. I could have gone for a little more time given to the match, but something has to be cut on a show this long and this was one of the most logical choices. The Brothers won though and that’s what matters the most.

Here’s John Cena for a match, though no opponent has been named yet. A second referee runs down though and tells Cena something is wrong. Cena grabs the referee as he’s shaking his head no. This goes on for a bit….and there go the lights….because Elias is here. Elias: “Were you expecting somebody else?”

Well that someone doesn’t have the charisma Elias has, nor does he have the talent that Elias carries in his soul. Cena bails back to his seat in disgust and leaves Elias alone to sing his song, insulting the fans as he always does. As you might guess, Cena gets up and cleans house by initiating his finishing sequence.

Cena shouts about that being all there is and goes up the ramp…as the lights go out. A spotlight comes on in the ring and Undertaker’s coat and hat are on the mat. Some VERY bad looking CGI lightning hits the gear (looked far better in person, possibly due to the surprise) and panic has set in. And then, a gong strikes. Undertaker appears with his full entrance, meaning it’s time to go! I know I didn’t want to see the match but that entrance, all 6:02 of it from the gong striking to the opening bell, will never stop being mesmerizing.

Undertaker vs. John Cena

Undertaker goes straight at him in the corner and hammers away, including the running clothesline. Old School sets up Snake Eyes and the WORST BIG BOOT EVER. When you’re sitting hundreds of feet away from the ring and can see the gap between the boot and the hands in front of Cena’s face, it’s a really bad sign. But remember, HE STILL HAS IT. The chokeslam is countered into a belly to back suplex but Undertaker sits up before the Shuffle, sending Cena falling off his feet in shock. The chokeslam and Tombstone end Cena completely clean at 2:42. Undertaker doesn’t even seem to be sweating.

So….that happened. I definitely like it better than seeing Undertaker stumble through a long match and it certainly should be memorable. Of course it’s not likely to mean anything until next Wrestlemania season, but this is the perfect payoff: Cena has been acting like a complete and utter jerk this whole time and Undertaker threw him the most decisive beating of his career. Even the Lesnar squash saw Cena get in a little offense and a near fall. Here it was a single suplex and that was it. I’m fine with Undertaker going out like this, but at this point I have no reason to believe it’s over.

Hall of Fame video. Hillbilly Jim should be done any minute now.

Here’s the big presentation to the crowd.

Jeff Jarrett. Nice reaction and the strut still looks good.

Mark Henry. No salmon jacket, no buys.

Hillbilly Jim. My hero as a young Kentucky boy.

Ivory. She’s looking better now than she did when she was active.

Jarius JJ Robertson. Did you know he’s cute? Wasn’t sure if that was made clear.

Dudley Boyz. Yep. Next.

Goldberg. I’m hoping those chants aren’t piped in. He does a Green Lantern pose with the ring to wrap things up.

We recap Daniel Bryan/Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens/Sami Zayn. Owens and Zayn have been going after the two of them for months now and it wasn’t clear where things were going. Then Bryan was cleared to wrestle again and everything came together at once. The evil Canadians have been attacking both of them, including giving Shane a hernia. They’ve been fired, but Bryan wants one more match with their jobs on the line. The question here is whether or not Shane turns on Bryan, which could go either way.

Daniel Bryan/Shane McMahon vs. Sami Zayn/Kevin Owens

Shane is in a YES jersey, with the YES being pretty clearly taped on. That sounds like a way for a quick switch to YUP (Owens and Sami’s battle cry) for me. Bryan gets his own entrance, with a Terminator style video, showing the YES chant spreading around the world, even in mainstream sports, before locking in on the home of the YES Movement, which happens to be right here in the Superdome. You can see the emotion on Bryan’s face as he comes to the ring and it’s nearly moving to see.

Owens and Zayn’s music hit but they come in from behind for the big beatdown, including an apron bomb to Bryan. That might be enough for him as the medics come in to check. Even the fans don’t seem to buy this one, as they probably shouldn’t. Shane is willing to fight on his own and YES, we get the lame punches on Owens in the corner. The jumping elbow to the jaw puts Owens down but Shane has to beat up Zayn as well.

Now of course he can do that at the same time, including a jumping kick to Owens and a Maivia Hurricane to Sami. The old hernia pops up though and brings Shane down as we have a stretcher for Bryan. We settle down to Sami taking over on Shane before it’s off to Owens (thankfully in a KO Mania III shirt) to step on the stomach. Owens: “MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY! MONEY ISN’T GOING TO SAVE YOU NOW!”

A superkick sets up the Blue Thunder Bomb for two but Owens gets knocked to the floor. The Helluva Kick misses and Sami gets caught in the Tree of Woe. Of course Shane is fine enough to hit the Coast to Coast but Owens makes the save with a backsplash onto the bad stomach. The frog splash gets two but Bryan comes back in for the save. That’s not enough for a hot tag so Sami gets out of a chinlock by slamming Sami into the mat.

NOW it’s off to Bryan for the first time in nearly three years. He takes his time coming in (as he should) before hammering away on Zayn. There’s the moonsault into the running clothesline, followed by a running knee off the apron to Owens. A missile dropkick puts Bryan down but he grabs his head….and nips up because he’s fine. That was a scary but great moment. The running corner dropkicks rock Owens and Zayn and a top rope hurricanrana drops Sami. Kevin breaks up the knee though and the Helluva Kick is only good for two. My goodness finishers mean nothing on Wrestlemania night.

Owens tells him to stay retired and gets two more off the Pop Up Powerbomb. Since we haven’t seen him in long enough, Shane takes Owens down and we’re back to even again. Back in and Sami hammers away while asking how Bryan could do this to them. That’s enough for Bryan and he unloads with the strikes and YES Kicks, even hitting the big one. The running knee into the YES Lock is good for the submission at 15:25 to keep Owens and Zayn fired.

Rating: C+. This was of course ALL about Bryan, to the point where even Shane’s usual superhero efforts seem to pale in comparison. They didn’t go with the stupid swerve finish for the sake of the storyline because this needed to be Bryan’s night. To go from having no chance to wrestling in a huge Wrestlemania match is more than you could ever ask for and he doesn’t look like he’s lost a step. If he’s back full time, WWE just got one heck of a bonus. Not a great match, but the ending was what it should have been.

Bryan and Shane celebrate with Bryan going to the floor to kiss Brie in a nice moment.

Attendance announcement.

We recap Alexa Bliss vs. Nia Jax. Bliss had been her friend for a long time but was eventually caught making fun of Nia’s size and weight. This didn’t sit well with Jax and it was time to SMASH. And take the title. Bliss is suddenly ultra confident despite being a foot shorter and about 160lbs lighter.

Raw Women’s Title: Nia Jax vs. Alexa Bliss

Bliss is challenging and comes down from the set on a mini platform. So that’s what happened to Bad News Barrett’s stage. Hang on a second though as Nia needs to destroy Mickie James before the bell, meaning this is truly one on one. Bliss slaps Nia due to high levels of stupid and Jax’s growl gives us a horror movie level scream in response. Makes sense actually.

There’s a gorilla press to plant Bliss as the dominance isn’t taking time tonight. That’s not the beginning of the end for some reason as Bliss starts in on the knee to take over, including a double knee to the knee in the corner. A guillotine choke is shrugged off but Nia goes shoulder first into the post (WAY too common of a spot tonight). Twisted Bliss to the floor drops Nia and the DDT gets two, shocking/scaring the heck out of Bliss all over again.

For some reason Bliss calls Nia pathetic and slaps her a few times….until Nia grabs her by the throat. A charge into the corner is cut off by another kick to the knee but Bliss’ sunset flip is tossed into the corner. Bliss is right back with a poke to the eye but Nia is right back with one of the hardest Alabama Slams you’ll ever see. Since Bliss is mostly dead, it’s a super Samoan drop to put her away for good and make Nia champion at 9:01.

Rating: D+. I was firmly in the camp of this needing to be about a minute long with Bliss getting in nothing beyond a few harmless forearms and I’m still of that state of mind. Bliss didn’t look like a joke here but there’s a time to squash the heck out of someone and that’s what we had here. Jax is a monster and should have destroyed Bliss in short order. Bliss is going to be fine with one more of those cocky promos and it really would have been better to have her get crushed here. The ending did look great though and the right person won, but it’s the wrong path to get here.

We recap the Smackdown World Title match. AJ Styles is the ace of the show and has beaten everyone put in front of him. Shinsuke Nakamura won the Royal Rumble to earn this shot and we have a dream match. Both guys have promised to win and hopefully they don’t collapse under the expectations. The hype video goes throughout AJ’s career, including clips of him on Thunder and from TNA (!) because WWE can just do something like that.

Smackdown World Title: Shinsuke Nakamura vs. AJ Styles

Nakamura is challenging and gets played to the ring by an army of violinists plus Alice Cooper guitarist Nita Strauss playing the heck out of a guitar. That’s one of the better Wrestlemania entrances I’ve ever seen with Strauss’ playing stealing the show. AJ’s graphic lists him as the Universal Champion. If nothing else he gets a cool looking spinning ring of blue light around him once he gets inside for a cool visual.

Feeling out process to start as the announcers talk about the Japanese match without talking about the Japanese match. AJ drives him into the corner but gets shoved away as they’re still in low first gear. They hit the mat with Nakamura kicking him in the face before doing his head on the chest arm waving deal. A knee drop keeps AJ in trouble but he breaks up Good Vibrations to offer some mind games of his own.

Back to the corner we go with a hard forearm rocking Styles but he grabs a backbreaker for his first major offense. A knee drop gets two on Nakamura and it’s off to the chinlock. The drop down into a dropkick sends Nakamura outside but he kicks the leg out from the apron. A kick to the head really puts Styles in trouble and a middle rope kick to the face makes it even worse. Nakamura tells him to come on but kicks AJ down. Well dude if you want him to COME ON you have to give him the chance to pull it off.

The running knee in the corner rocks AJ but he’s right back with a pumphandle gutbuster for two. It’s Nakamura’s turn to come back in a hurry though and a Landslide (Samoan Driver) gets another near fall. Some right hands in the corner have AJ rocked but he kicks the knee out to take Nakamura down. There’s the Calf Crusher but Nakamura reverses into a triangle choke (another very popular move this weekend).

That’s broken up with something close to a Death Valley Driver and they’re both down again. Nakamura gets in the kick, only to come up holding the damaged leg. There’s some logic to Styles’ plan at least. The running knee hits the buckle and the Phenomenal Forearm gets two.

AJ needs to bring out the mega guns and tries the springboard 450, which hits the bad knee and gives Nakamura two off a small package. They slug it out until AJ Peles him down, only to get kneed in the back of the head. Nakamura has had it and drives knees into the head before slapping AJ a few times. The Kinshasa is loaded up but AJ rolls through, straight into the Styles Clash to retain at 20:20.

Rating: B. Yeah they didn’t really come close to the expectations here and I can’t say I’m surprised. They didn’t have much going on in the way of telling a story other than both guys hitting their big moves and countering a few of the other’s. There’s no reason to hate either of them and that makes for a dull match if you don’t build to a big finish. It’s certainly good but it never hit that next level that people were expecting. Oh and both Royal Rumble winners lose in their title shots. What a great use of the pay per view.

Post match Nakamura presents AJ with the title….and hits him low (with some Ric Flair level force) to turn heel. Nakamura mocks the fallen champion and kicks him to the floor for Kinshasa. For some reason he flashes a Diamond Cutter sign as he goes up the ramp. Maybe he’s a DDP Yoga user?

Now this was good, but why not do this BEFORE NAKAMURA LOST CLEAN? Do it at the worthless Fastlane or on any show before this match. Give them something more personal to fight over, because what we got for a story here was lacking a bit. I don’t get why WWE thinks this has as much of an impact after a loss, because it really doesn’t work. If nothing else have Nakamura hit him low to steal the title after Kinshasa didn’t get the job done. Just something other than this.

Kickoff Show recap.

Raw Tag Team Titles: The Bar vs. Braun Strowman/???

Strowman won the shot by winning a tag team battle royal on his own and his partner has been quite the topic of debate coming into this show. The Bar comes out on a Mardi Gras float to the tune of When the Saints Go Marching In before switching to their usual entrance. I was worried I was a bit too tired and imagined all the costumed people on the float but not so much apparently.

Strowman comes out and turns the float over off the stage but has no partner. He knows everyone wants to know who it is, but he wanted to wait until he got to New Orleans. That’s because his partner….is a member of the WWE Universe. Strowman looks around forever and finally sees someone in the crowd. He goes into the crowd (this is taking WAY too long) and finds….a ten year old boy. The boy, named Nicholas, is introduced as Strowman’s partner as Graves is losing his mind.

Nicholas is terrified (completely understandable) as Braun starts (good idea) with Sheamus. Graves isn’t sure about this as Nicholas probably has algebra tomorrow. Fans: “WE WANT NICHOLAS!” A chokeslam gets two on Cesaro but Braun gets double suplexes. With Sheamus talking trash to Nicholas, he drops a top rope knee for two. On Braun, not the kid.

Braun crossbodies both of them down and Sheamus gets backdropped over the corner for a NASTY fall, hitting both the post and the steps on the way down. That’s enough for the tag to Nicholas….who tags straight out again. The powerslam on Cesaro is good for the pin and the titles at 3:57.

Rating: F. I laughed when it happened but the more I think about this, the worse and worse it looks. If you want to do this over a comedy team or something then fine, but after everything Cesaro and Sheamus have done over the last few years, this is the best they can get? Having Brains Strowman come out there would have been a better move as this comes off as a stupid idea where they just refused to pick something and went with the first stupid idea that came to their heads. Put Hawkins out there if this is the best thing you can come up with. I didn’t like this idea as it makes it into a total joke, which shouldn’t be the case.

Wrestlemania XXXV is in New York. Well New Jersey but whatever. I’m good on that one.

We recap Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns. Lesnar won the Universal Title at last year’s show and Reigns won the Elimination Chamber after doing nothing main event level for months. Reigns went on to call Lesnar out for not being here all the time and just doing what’s best for himself, which earned Reigns a series of beatings. But hey, this time for sure, right?

Universal Title: Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

Reigns is challenging and nope, the plan didn’t work. As you might expect, the fans boo him out of the building all over again because THIS ISN’T WORKING. After the Big Match Intros, Lesnar hits three German suplexes in the first thirty seconds. Reigns is right back up with two Superman Punches and a running clothesline to put Lesnar on the floor. Brock grabs a belly to belly on the outside, followed by a second one with Reigns almost landing on his head.

The fans chant for CM Punk as Brock loads up the announcers’ table. Another belly to belly sends Reigns face first into the table (no elevation at all) and Brock hits another German suplex back inside. A seventh suplex (with a fan providing helpful signs) is almost completely flat as we’re just waiting on the beach balls now.

There’s another belly to belly, during which time the fans started doing the Wave. A fan in my section started shouting about how the fans should just leave if they’re that bored because they’re ruining it for the rest of the fans. He was promptly given a DELETE chant because wrestling fans are rather horrible people at times. It’s time for another table as the fans want Johnny Gargano.

Reigns posts him on the floor as the fans aren’t reacting in the slightest. A spear sends Lesnar over the table (still no reaction) as the Wave is in full swing. The fans loudly boo….because a beach ball is taken away. Reigns gets two off a Superman Punch and two spears and it’s beach ball time again. Brock blocks a spear with a knee for two, followed by the F5 for the same. The fans still aren’t interested, because this just isn’t anything they care about.

F5, two, F5, two (Brock: “MOTHERF*****!”), the fans chant BORING (actually acknowledging the match for a change, F5 through a table (to NO reaction), F5, two. That’s enough for Lesnar as he takes the gloves off and just unloads with the hard right hands as the fans declare this awful. Reigns is GUSHING blood but hits two spears for a near fall. Not that it matters as a sixth F5 retains the title at 15:49, shocking the heck out of the crowd.

Rating: D. Here’s the thing: the match itself is a hard hitting video game match and had some entertaining spots. If you watch it in a complete vacuum, it’s actually good. The problem is, at least in this case, you can’t just ignore everything else and watch the match on its own. This was a complete and utter rejection of everything going on and you can’t ignore it. I’m not sure how much more needs to be done to make it clear that Reigns isn’t working but this might be it. Either that or we try to do this again NEXT year, just because that’s what WWE is obsessed with doing.

I have no idea where they go from here as Lesnar might not be around much longer and other than Reigns, there’s no one that could conceivably take the title from him. Reigns winning here was the logical call, but I can see why they pulled the plug. If it’s that bad though and the fans have rejected him this many times in a row, it’s time to admit defeat and move on. Hopefully that’s what the loss means, but stranger things have happened, just with Roman alone actually.

After a long highlight package, as in about seven minutes long, a cleaned up Reigns walks up the ramp to end the show.

Overall Rating: B-. You know, there’s a pattern to these mega long shows. For the last three years, they’ve all started off white hot for about two hours but then they hit a road block and go sailing off a cliff. In Dallas it was the Cell, in Orlando it was the mixed tag and here it was pretty much everything after Rousey’s match (Bryan and Styles’ matches ranged from good to acceptable).

Maybe it’s having Reigns as the big finish or maybe it’s just the length of the shows, but they simply can’t maintain the momentum they set up at the start of these shows. It’s like they just run out of ideas and throw whatever nonsense they have on the screen, which may or may not work. I can get that with a small writing staff, but with THIRTY WRITERS put together into two groups, there’s never an excuse to run out of ideas this quickly.

Overall, the show is more good than bad, thanks to the first two matches, the mixed tag, Bryan and AJ, but they really needed to shed….oh a good two hours to get this down to manageable. Notice that I keep saying that year after year. Seven hours is just not something that anyone can pull off because eventually your buzz goes away. It’s happened to me three years in a row and I can’t imagine I’m in the minority. Just give us a break at some point because not everyone needs to be on the show. If you’re only good enough to be thrown into the battle royal, odds are you don’t belong on the card.

Really, the mixed tag main eventing would have made more sense (like you would EVER have to ask Stephanie if she wanted to main event Wrestlemania). If they were going to pull the plug on Reigns winning the title here, go with the feel good, fun match and let Rousey look like the big star. It would make more sense but Reigns seemed to be set in stone for that spot, pretty obvious reaction aside.

All in all, Wrestlemania XXXIV is a good show that needs a MAJOR edit to make it work. Switch the lineup around, shorten some matches, cut some matches (in other words, GET THE TIME LOWER) and you might have something great on your hands. As it is though, it falls into the same category as the other two mega long shows: a hot start, but they run out of gas because there’s a limit to how much wrestling any large group of fans can take.

Results

Seth Rollins b. The Miz and Finn Balor – Stomp to Miz

Charlotte b. Asuka – Figure Eight

Jinder Mahal b. Randy Orton, Bobby Roode and Rusev – Khallas to Rusev

Ronda Rousey/Kurt Angle b. HHH/Stephanie McMahon – Armbar to McMahon

Bludgeon Brothers b. New Day and Usos – Double sitout superbomb to Kingston

Undertaker b. John Cena – Tombstone

Shane McMahon/Daniel Bryan b. Sami Zayn/Kevin Owens – YES Lock to Zayn

Nia Jax b. Alexa Bliss – Super Samoan drop

AJ Styles b. Shinsuke Nakamura – Styles Clash

Braun Strowman/Nicholas b. The Bar – Powerslam to Cesaro

Brock Lesnar b. Roman Reigns – F5

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2000 Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Part 1 (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/02/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-thunder-reviews-volume-vii-january-june-2000/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6