In Your House 27: St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
Date: February 14, 1999
Location: The Pyramid, Memphis, Tennessee
Attendance: 19,028
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole

Well, the Rumble has come and gone and therefore the Road to Wrestlemania has officially begun. I remember that night as my father’s piece of crap car died on the interstate coming home and I couldn’t see the show. Anyway, two major events happened there. One was the famous I Quit match where Rock went much farther than was agreed to when he hit a handcuffed Foley about 12 times in the head with a chair after saying he’d only do it 3 times.

A record of Foley’s voice from earlier in the night was played to say that he quit, therefore giving Rock the title. How did Mankind get the title you ask? I would show you but freaking WWE has put a copyright claim on something 10 years old that was on free TV in the first place since they’re afraid people will see it and know what an emotional moment is like. Anyway, it was a lumberjack match with Rock and Mankind where the Corporation and DX were at ringside.

Austin ran out and hit Rock with a chair to give Mankind his first title. The other big thing that happened at the Rumble was Vince won it by last eliminating Austin in what very well may have been the worst Rumble of all time with Austin and McMahon coming in 1-2 and then Austin being “in the hospital” for most of the match. That’ll get a review of its own in January but let me make this clear: it sucked.

Anyway, Vince wins but says he won’t fight Rock at Wrestlemania since he just doesn’t want to. Apparently that’s illegal so he has to defend it here in a cage match with Austin or Austin gets it anyway. That…kind of makes sense I suppose. I don’t remember anything from this show other than the cage match, so let’s see how much it sucks.

Odd intro as we have almost an old school film looking thing of Austin and McMahon’s feud. It looks like a Marx Brothers show. Anyway, there’s also Mankind vs. Rock in a last man standing match so at least we almost have a double main event. They try to make it sound like all of these matches are the end to the feud which is just funny. Lawler is of course wildly popular.

Goldust vs. Blue Meanie

His name is Bluedust for the night now. If you’re looking for a point to this, you’re a freaking moron. Same music for both guys and Meanie weighs 323lbs. Hokey smoke. We get a recap of the “feud” which partially consists of Meanie wearing nothing but a bunch of grapes and Goldust getting covered in blue paint. This is mind numbingly stupid. They brawl or at least I think they do.

Meanie grinds over Goldust and gets spanked for it. Dusty must be so proud. Somehow Meanie has gained 27 pounds during the match as he’s the 350lb man when he goes for a moonsault but he’s listed at 323 during the introductions. That says so much about how much they cared about his character doesn’t it? After he misses that, he gets the Curtain Call like it’s nothing at all. Goldust does Shattered Dreams afterwards to a big pop. Teddy Long was your referee here.

Rating: F. This was one of the dumbest things I have ever seen. It went three minutes, no one was interested in it, and it made no sense. Why were they fighting, what’s Meanie’s deal, and who booked this crap? None of those were ever answered which I think is a good thing for all parties involved.

McMahon spit on Austin on Heat.

Hardcore Title: Al Snow vs. Bob Holly

Belt is vacant for no apparent reason. Oh Road Dogg is hurt. Makes sense I suppose. They’re not in the ring together at all as it’s a standard family friendly hardcore match. Holly wants to get rid of his image as Sparky Plug. Cole says he was a cup of coffee as a tag team champion (yes that’s how he worded it) and he held the IC Title for a cup of coffee.

That was a pretty short cup then as that never happened. There was a Raw special the previous night that no one remembers and I guess nothing really happened on. Why have a Raw the night before a PPV? I don’t get that but I hope Vince doesn’t remember it as he’d do it again in a heartbeat. At the time there was no 24/7 rule so the belt wasn’t a complete joke as it would later become.

Holly is a welder by trade. If he’s a welder, WHY IS HE A WRESTLER??? Geez Cole don’t make it sound like he does this on weekends or something like that. This is one of the most famous hardcore matches as they actually go into the woods and into the Mississippi River. Holly keeps hitting Snow with sticks and pieces of wood. There’s a chain length fence there because it’s Tennessee law that all hardcore matches come complete with weapons.

They hit each other with some unidentifiable stuff, one of which is described by Cole as “Holly with a….Al Snow with a kick to the midsection.” It was that kind of a match. After an insane brawl that isn’t that impressive, Snow is rolled into the fence and pinned despite his arm being so far off the ground he’s almost rolling over. It was like they said hey, we’re out of time and no one is going to care anyway so end this ridiculous match.

Holly immediately runs back into the arena and the cameras follow him the entire way. During his run, Cole says he’s become the fourth Hardcore Championship. I know that announcers aren’t perfect but Cole is just becoming ridiculous.

After Holly comes back in and gets the belt, he says the brilliant line of “If you think this was hardcore just wait until Last Man Standing.” That’s great Michael. Just make it seem like there are other guys tougher than this but the belt isn’t worth their time. We cut to the banks of the river again where Snow is still stuck in the fence and screaming to let him out which is quite funny for some reason.

Rating: C+. While there would be many hardcore matches in the future, this one wasn’t nearly as silly. It felt a bit more I guess you would say realistic in that it wasn’t as corny as some in the future but the river and the woods were just a weird idea. It was ok and better than some of the future ones, but that’s not saying much.

We see the Ministry earlier in the day having some kind of ritual. This group got WAY too intense to be on a wrestling show, or at least I always thought they did.

Big Bossman vs. Mideon

There’s no point to this other than to have Corporation vs. Ministry. Mideon is the former Phineas Godwinn and is now a soothsayer for no apparent reason. It amuses me that Dennis Knight has elevated his game in the Ministry and he may never have won a match in this gimmick. I agree with the fans who are loudly chanting boring. This is heel vs. heel so what are you really expecting?

The styles are almost exactly the same and there is no chemistry at all. We see about 5 rest holds or let’s both lay down and take a little nap spots in a six and a half minute long match. As Cole and King are chattering away Bossman hits his slam for the pin. Ministry runs out and beats down the Bossman after Taker appears as well. They take him off and this would lead to the Cell match at Mania which was complete and utter crap.

Rating: D-. The only appealing thing here is they kept it short. This match was terrible for all of the listed reasons. It was more or less a battle of jobbers here and why would I want to watch that, especially heel vs. heel and power guy vs. power guy. Made no sense and wasn’t any good either.

D’lo and Mark Henry are in the back with the newcomer Ivory. Brown cuts a very good promo talking about how they’re going to win the titles. Brown has a very good voice actually.

Tag Titles: Mark Henry/D’lo vs. Jeff Jarrett/Owen Hart

Owen and Jeff are some of the most forgotten tag champions ever. Anyway, Ivory has been there less than a week as a favor to Henry and is the antidote to Debra or something like that. Lawler sounds like he’s losing his voice. Yet again this match is all about looks as Ivory says if Debra interferes she’ll rip her clothes off. I think the Nation rejects are your faces here for that very reason.

That and no one in WWF history liked Jeff which is a shame as he’s better than half the guys on the roster. This is just an excuse to get another victory under the champions belts to make a stupid pun. There’s nothing of note here as Henry is in trouble for a lot of the match until we get a hot tag to Brown who lands a running powerbomb that isn’t a Sky High Cole.

Brawl follows and Henry gets a guitar to the knee leading to the Figure Four and the tapping like a drunk man. Have you ever seen a drunk man tap out? Neither have I. Anyway, Ivory rips Debra’s top off to make sure the fans haven’t died of boredom which is likely a good idea.

Rating: D. Dear lord this show is AWFUL so far. Owen and Jarrett just didn’t work tonight which is odd as they’re two of the best in ring workers of this era. Henry is his usual awful self while Brown is solid as usual. This was just another filler and it wasn’t a good one at that.

Mankind talks about how Rock attacked his knee on Heat.

Recap of why Ken Shamrock hates Val Venis. Val screwed Ken’s sister Ryan.

Val Venis vs. Ken Shamrock

Billy Gunn is the referee here for no good reason. Here’s your match of the night. This is for the title I guess. Ryan does look insanely hot in this tiny white dress. As Val does his thing Billy lays in the corner which is kind of funny. Ken wants to avenge his sister despite Ryan not seeming to mind much. Lawler’s voice is dying fast for some reason so we get mostly Cole.

Lawler tries but it’s just not working. The first half of this match is very back and forth with no one really getting an advantage. About ten minutes in though Billy Gunn makes it much funnier by saying stuff like “dang I didn’t know that was a pin.” And when Venis has Shamrock in a submission and is shouting ask him, Gunn replies with ask him what??? It’s funnier in context I guess.

Allegedly there was a bribe offered by both guys with Ryan offering sex. Shamrock hits a DDT but Gunn blatantly stops at two. Venis isn’t even moving and Gunn just doesn’t count it so Shamrock asks what he is doing. Eventually the ankle lock is on and Ryan pulls Val who Ken is holding to the ropes because obviously a twenty something year old stick can pull two grown men while wearing heels.

Ken asks what the heck is she doing and gets slapped. Gunn keeps Ken from Ryan. Anyway, Shamrock hits Billy but Gunn fights back and sends him into a small package to lose the title. Post match Gunn beats up both guys.

Rating: B-. This was hard to grade. It’s like they weren’t sure if they wanted to do a comedy match or a regular one and they kept changing their minds. Billy is funny here but it’s nothing mind blowing. Both guys were ok in the ring but there was no need at all for Gunn to be involved here at all. Seriously, what does he add onto this match? There’s nothing here at all that’s great but it’s not bad at all.

Recap another part of the faction war as DX is fighting with the Corporation as well.

Triple H/X-Pac vs. Kane/Chyna

This would be the big match before Chyna turned face again at Mania to rejoin HHH before turning heel again 20 minutes later along with HHH as Kane turned face. Shane is on commentary but this is back when he was just a spoiled punk with a lot of money. The big showdown in this match is supposed to be HHH vs. Russia. However HHH is in the match all of 2/14 minutes and the rest is X-Pac getting beaten up.

Shane and X-Pac get into it which would lead to their European Title match at Mania. This is a pretty good tag match as Sri Lanka could at least hold her own in there with someone as awful as Waltman. Pac is beaten down to lead up to the hot tag which is warm at best.

The problem is HHH like most wrestlers has issues with hitting Indonesia. I will give him credit though as he does get in a few good right hands. X-Pac and Shane go at it which allows the big brawl all over the place and it leaves Asia and HHH alone. HHH sets Mongolia for the Pedigree but Kane comes back for the chokeslam which gives India the pin.

Rating: B. This was a solid tag match I thought. X-Pac was at his best when he was getting the heck beaten out of him and he wasn’t good for much else. This was all about getting HHH and Chyna together but that never really happened except for a few moments at the end. She was fine in there though and you almost forgot she was a female which is a nice plus. Decent match but nothing mind blowing.

Recap of Rock/Mankind, which more or less says this feud is awesome, this is the Rock’s chance to get the title match and you know it’s going to be awesome.

WWF Title: Rock vs. Mankind

This is last man standing.  Basically everyone expects them to just massacre the other here which is likely.  Rock comes out to cheers which is interesting as he’s certainly the heel here.  He’s in workout gear here which is smart as at times you have guys out there in tights looks stupid.  This makes sense.

It’s nice to see Foley come out as the champion here as it just looks good.  It’s not something you see that often in this company but he certainly earned it.  Foley turns his back on Rock intentionally and offers him a free shot and then does it again.  Rock busted up Foley’s legs on Heat so Rock wisely goes after them.

King’s voice sounds bad as I think his voice is going quickly here.  He’s certainly trying though.  Foley gets a belt shot to the face for a count of 8.  Cole declares Making the mayor of Parts Unknown.  I like that line actually.  We’re up by the set now and it’s a brawl, which is the idea here.

Foley DDTs Rock through a table set up near the stage which gets a limited response which I think is due to it being too early as we’ve only been fighting for about five minutes at this point.  Cole insults the Hardcore match earlier again, showing how completely idiotic he can be at times.  I’d love to see Holly waiting for him behind the curtain with a chair for him and shouting ARE YOU CRAZY?

Back into the arena as Foley’s knee is giving out on him.  It’s back and forth here but more Foley than Rock.  In the ring for the first time in a good while and Foley drops the People’s Elbow but Rock rolls out of the way.  Suplex on the floor as this is solid stuff so far.  Make that three of them.

While Foley is getting counted Rock has a seat in Cole’s chair and does a little commentary.  He tells Foley to come get him so Foley gets a hobbling start and FLIPS at Rock.  That’s not something I expected to type.  With Rock leaning over the table Foley drops the elbow off the apron for a count of eight as Mankind picks him up.

Back in the ring Mankind gets steps kicked back into his face to put him down.  More work on the knee now as Rock gets a shot with a chair.  And then we get the stupid chair hits the ropes and hits the chair swinger in the head.  I’ve never liked that one at all.

Rock backdrops Foley off the table but his head slams into the table, making it look SICK.  Cole is freaking out like a girl in a slasher movie at this.  People’s Elbow has Mankind reeling.  He manages to get up and grabs a mic to cut some more promos on Mankind.  And now he’s singing Smackdown Hotel, which is borderline sacrilege as this is in Memphis.

Mandible Claw goes on but the referee gets bumped.  Well of course he did.  And remember there MUST be a winner.  DDT by Rock gets 9.  BIG chair shot misses and Foley gets a DDT on the chair.  Rock gets up but walks into Socko twice in a row.  Wouldn’t you think the first time was a good enough idea?

He gets a Rock Bottom as a counter to the Sock and both guys are down.  Both guys get chairs and they cave each others’ skulls in for the double knockout, getting ten and ending the match.  Yeah that ending is stupid now and always has been.  The decision gets booed out of the building which is exactly what it deserves.

Rating: B-. The ending is what holds this back for me but like I said it was all they could do to get that ending. These two beat the living tar out of each other and it was a brutal match. Matches like these can be seen as more fun when you know they’re not ending for at least 15 minutes.

That gives you 15 minutes of just free beatings on each other. It made both guys look strong in that they took the same beating and both lost but at the same time both kind of won. Rock would win the title the next night in a ladder match so I’m really not sure why they didn’t just give it to him here.

Recap of Vince and Austin. Apparently Austin already has the shot at Mania but he just wants the match with McMahon.

Cage Match: Vince McMahon vs. Steve Austin

Cage is the blue style but it’s painted black which is a nice touch. This match can be summed up easily: Austin tries to kill Vince. This is the most one sides match I have ever seen for the first half with Vince having no offense at all. Austin beats him around the cage, in the crowd, at ringside and on the cage until we get the big bump from the match as they’re hanging on the side of the cage and Vince is knocked off and slams his head on a monitor.

Everyone thought he was legit either hurt or dead. However the more I watch it he more I’m convinced it was a work as Austin goes back to beating on him. If he was really hurt, that would never happen. I think it was designed to look real but just got too close to being real. Oh, the match just NOW started. They’ve been fighting for 12 minutes and NOW we get the bell. Vince gets in a low blow here and there but that’s the extent of his offense.

Austin can leave twice but Vince flips him off both times and Austin comes back to beat on him some more. He calls for the Stunner when Big Show, called Paul Wight here, debuts and beats the heck out of Austin. He beats on him for awhile before McMahon says to throw him into the cage. He does and in one of my favorite spots ever, the cage breaks and Austin drops down to win the match. McMahon looks devastated as the show ends.

Rating: B-. This was about Austin screwing Vince again and in my mind shouldn’t have gone on last. The title match was more of a massacre than this but I guess they wanted to send the fans home happy. Show debuting was a big deal I guess and this set up the main event at Mania which should have been Austin vs. Vince. It was short but brutal which I guess is what they were going for?

Overall Rating: C-. This show was pretty bad. It just never got going and is all about two matches, one of which is pretty forgotten. This was all built up to the cage match and that’s the only thing anyone really remembers. Mankind and Rock is brutal and fun so I’d recommend that and the main event.

This wasn’t supposed to be anything huge other than just to get to Mania which is fine. The first part of the show is just awful though with nothing of note and only a few moments of decency at all. Watch the main events and that’s all that’s worth anything here.

Heroes of Wrestling
Date: October 10, 1999
Location: Casino Magic, Bay St. Louis, Mississippi
Attendance: 2,300
Commentators: Randy Rosenbloom, Dutch Mantel

Back in the late 90s, some lunkhead decided to try to use a bunch of old wrestlers for a legends/reunion thing and this is the result. This was somehow supposed to be the first of four shows. Basically, we have big names from the 80s and that’s about it. The main event was supposed to be King Kong Bundy vs. Yokozuna.

Yoko passed away a year after this so you know how well he was health wise. Other than that, this is the infamous Jake Roberts promo show, so let’s get to this and get it over with. This is widely regarded as the worst PPV ever, somehow getting 26,000 buys at 19.95 each, meaning that this show made half a million dollars. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Here we go.

Just to really show the 80s feel of this we start with a montage before we get to the commentators, one of whom was supposed to be Gordon Solie but luckily for him he got sick and couldn’t make it. Randy has no idea what he’s talking about. We go backstage to see Bundy who says he’s the best super heavyweight of all time and Yoko shows up to argue. We get a pull apart and we hear Bundy shout that he’s prettier.

The intro actually lists Gordon Solie as host, even though we’ve met the announcers and he’s not one of them. This is dedicated to Gorilla Monsoon, who passed away just four days before this aired. The voiceover guy says this could be the most powerful storm the Gulf Coast has ever seen. I’ve got nothing for that one.

We get a second highlight package for no apparent reason. There’s actually a decent crowd there which isn’t bad. Had this been even passable, this could be considered a success. We run over the card which looks passable. On paper, this could have been ok, but it would have been put straight to DVD today and it would have worked much better.

The thing is, this was the late 90s and a lot of these people hadn’t been on television in years so they would have been way out of shape. Having this be guys from the mid 90s would have been light years better, but they had a decent idea I guess.

Samoan Swat Team vs. Marty Jannetty/Tommy Rogers

So we have a Rocker and a Fantastic. This should be…yeah. The set and ring look decent too. The Swat Team are more commonly known as Tama from the Islanders and Samu from the Headshrinkers. Rikishi was the original member but he had a career at this point. Their manager talks for no apparent reason and talks about the faces being heroes.

I think he’s trying to be Jim Cornette or something like that, although we’re never told his name.. Note: there are children in the audience. That will come into play later. He goes on and on and even messes up the name of the town we’re in. Marty is known as the Rocker Marty Jannetty and his partner is Fantastic Tommy Rogers. Clever if nothing else. They have pictures of them before they come out and you can see Shawn Michaels’ legs in Marty’s picture. Well ok then.

They get Rogers’ old partner’s name wrong, calling him Jackie Fulton instead of Bobby. That’s Dutch Mantel, the wrestler, that said that mind you. Note: we’re 12 minutes into this show and both teams aren’t even in the ring yet. OH MAN Marty is wasted. You can see it in his eyes that he’s just gone.

Marty is in fairly decent shape actually. Tama is freaking FAT. He used to be awesome in the ring but I don’t think that’s going to happen here. The announcers are arguing about the first amendment or something like that. Apparently Dutch can tell that Marty looks tired from “years and years of experience in the ring”. I’m not even touching that one.

A dropkick is referred to as a leg kick by Randy which isn’t corrected at all. Mantel is worthless too. We’re still waiting on anything of note to actually happen but nothing has yet. Hey we get an actual wrestling move from Marty! It’s an armdrag which is called a throw by Randy. Tama, a savage mind you, offers a handshake.

This is just idiotic. Marty comes in without a tag and the referee just lets him stay. We’re on the chinlock inside of three minutes as I think Marty needs a shot. Marty has mastered the art of throwing his arm in the air as he’s managed to do it 4 times now. GOOD NIGHT Tama is a huge man. This is just mindless.

The heels take over with a kick to the back. Mantel says they know what each other is doing all the time. I do too. I know because I’m watching them do it. This is so stupid and bad I’m having trouble coming up with insults and jokes for it. And I made fun of the Doomsday Cage Match! If Dutch Mantel doesn’t freaking SHUT UP ABOUT HOW GREAT HE IS I’m going to freak.

I’m trying this whole capitalizing random words to keep myself interested here. We’re about 8 minutes in and Rodgers, the better wrestler, has been legal all of 20 seconds. Jannetty takes a horrible chair shot on the floor which is called unethical. Jannetty is wearing shorts by the way instead of tights.

Tama misses a Vader Bomb and finally Rogers comes in with another flying leg kick. He rams the Samoans’ heads together and naturally gets a double headbutt for his troubles. Marty jumps over the top rope with a plancha while Samu hits a TKO (seriously??? He has him in position for a SAMOAN drop and uses a TKO. Wow.

They call it a Samoan drop anyway mind you) on Tommy for the pin. Dutch says they can put that on their resumes forever now. Yes, because WILD SAMOANS HAVE RESUMES.

Rating: F+. Instead of calling every match average at first, it starts at an D instead and can move up. Dutch Mantel’s commentary keeps us at nearly failing on average so there we are. This was just a train wreck if there ever has been one. Seriously, Rogers is the only one with any talent that he’s capable of using out there and he was in there the least amount of time. That makes sense here though.

We get a clip of Sherri and George freaking Steele of all people walking off arm in arm. They’re sleeping together apparently. Sherri runs from him in an interview later on. This is just stupid.

Greg Valentine vs. George Steele

Valentine says he’s the son of the legend Johnny Valentine. Isn’t this supposed to be a legends show where Greg is the legend? He says he’ll leave with Sherri tonight whether she likes it or not. So he’s admitted he’s going to kidnap her and you could imply rape off of that but we’ll let it go.

Sherri comes out with George. Neither have music mind you. George looks exactly like he did over 20 years before this, as does Valentine. Valentine hits the floor and goes after Sherri with Randy saying he’s doing a bit of stalking, which he does while in essence in a pair of blue briefs. Can we get this guy arrested please? George eats a turnbuckle as somehow this is supposed to be serious.

He bites Greg’s arm and he’s hurt apparently. Sherri looks like she fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Apparently it’s a disqualification if Animal fights with a shirt on. Naturally Hammer jumps him while he’s taking it off and he can’t see. George’s shirt is over his head yet we’re going on anyway. Since he can’t see, Sherri beats on him also. Shouldn’t he be disqualified already?

He’s sitting in the corner with a shirt half on and half off while Valentine beats on him. He gets it off but doesn’t know Sherri beat on him. George pulls out a foreign object and gets a shot in with it before handing it to Sherri. Dutch says that Randy knows how women are but takes it back because Randy has never had a woman. I want to slap them with a cordless phone. See, even the stupid jokes don’t work.

Sherri of course hands the object to Valentine, which despite her kicking Steele earlier, this STUNS, yes STUNS I say, the announcers. Dutch takes his headset off to talk to Sherri. Why am I bothering with this? Oh yeah. ALL OF YOUR MORONS SAID I SHOULD DO THIS. You all owe me BIG TIME.

They fight over the object which the referee has no problem with. A foreign object is fine but a shirt isn’t fine. And then Sherri hits him in the head with a chair so Valentine can get the pin. Again, the referee is fine with this and the heels leave together. Can’t say I blame them. I’d want to get out of there too.

Oh and Steele eats a lifeless object full of artificial material that makes it bigger and it takes like Styrofoam. Now, am I talking about Sherri or a turnbuckle? George throws chairs in the ring for no apparent reason. Hammer comes back for no apparent reason and hits him with a chair that does nothing. So Valentine hitting him with one doesn’t even make him flinch but Sherri’s shot knocks him out for a pin. This is making me want to watch someone watch grass grow.

Rating: F-. It was a comedy match and a bad one. I saw maybe three wrestling moves in here and all of them sucked. Seriously, who thought Steele and Sherri were good ideas here? We have a heel turn on a one off show. That makes sense.

They talk of a rematch to let Steele get his girl back. Yeah I’ve got nothing.

Julio Fantastico says that he’s great and will beat 2 Cold Scorpio.

2 Cold Scorpio vs. Julio Fantastico

Julio is more commonly known as Julio Dinero in case you’ve heard of him in ECW or old school TNA. Scorpio I’m sure you’ve heard of. If not, imagine a Godfather/Luchador combination. Yeah he was a weird one. Why is Julio on this show again? I have no idea either but whatever.

Why do these two and two tag teams have music but Steele and Valentine didn’t? Oh I guess it’s because they sucked. Scorpio is carrying a replica WCW Title belt. I know that because I see it, not because it’s mentioned or anything like that. This match might have potential to be something close to decent. Can’t you hear my enthusiasm in this show?

Lou Albano comes out for commentary for absolutely no apparent reason. I think he just wandered in here and needed a place to sit down. Albano, having no apparent power or anything, has the authority to give both announcers raises. You know, for the one night show, they’re getting raises for next week.

Albano babbles a lot but if you listen to him, he seems like he knows his stuff. Of course he does, but it’s so much rambling it’s hard to say. Can we just let him talk all night? He’s FAR more entertaining and interesting to listen to. He’s not bragging the whole time and he’s actually offering some insight and says that it’s a dropkick instead of a flying leg kick.

He then offers this and I had to listen at least three times to get all this. He says this about Randy: he’s a nice guy but he looks like he’s got the brain of a dehydrated baby if they put him in a pigeon pack and had him fly backwards. Ladies and gentlemen, this man was responsible for what became Wrestlemania. Apparently Lou looks like a pitbull in heat next to Dinero. This is making the show, hands down.

The match is very sloppy as Scorpio is having to carry this, but that’s the best choice I guess. There’s some decent stuff in there though but it’s just sloppy. We see Scorpio holding the ropes and pulling back for something but we go to a shot of Dinero and just see him being crashed on. Nice one guys. Scorpio’s hair is braided by the way.

Dinero isn’t bad at all actually and it was this match that got him a job with ECW of all things. In other words, Heyman or someone under him actually watched this and scouted talent from it. What does that tell you? Dinero takes a nice backdrop over the railing onto the floor.

They fight into the crowd and we can’t see crap because of the lighting and an annoying kid in a 49ers jersey. And the announcers point out that they don’t know what’s going on. Nice one guys. The referee sees a low blow and is fine with it of course. Dutch: we have a 2 count. The referee counted two. THANKS FOR THAT.

Albano gets on Randy for the leg kick thing again which is kind of amusing I guess. This needs to end like NOW. Dinero shoves the referee into the ropes to crotch Scorpio and that’s fine too.

Scorpio hits Trouble in Paradise which Dinero was going down from before it hit but whatever and a 2nd rope Tumbleweed (Harlem Hangover) hits then he goes up for a moonsault where he twists into another leg drop. He misses by a foot and a half, but that’s decent here.

Rating: D-. By FAR the best mach so far. This got something close to entertaining if you can believe that. The sloppiness just freaking kills it though as Scorpio just can’t do anything at all without botching it at all. There was something close to a decent match here though so that’s better than nothing.

Albano is the new commissioner and he makes a brief acceptance speech on the headset which the fans can’t hear. Brilliant guys, brilliant.

We have 5 matches to go. I can’t take this.

We go to the back for another Bundy interview. He says that he’s going to beat Yoko. I’ll give them points for trying to build to a main event if nothing else.

Bushwackers vs. Nikolai Volkoff/Iron Sheik

I’m calling them the Bushwackers as they’re Luke and Butch, formerly the Bushwackers. There’s some guy with Volkoff but he’s another guy that is imitating a better manager. I’m just not sure who he’s imitating. We get the USA chant going, despite the faces being from New Zealand but this isn’t the smartest crowd in the world.

The manager is dressed up in a Russian military uniform. Oh dear. He speaks English with a so bad it’s funny but the show is so bad it’s not funny accent if that makes sense. Oh and Volkoff is now an Olympian also. We get the Russian National Anthem of course and the Persian clubs which are as old school as possible.

The clubs become Iranian all of a sudden and we’re three minutes into this. Sheik needs to humble someone. It would be more entertaining. We hear about Hogan and Backlund for no reason at all but whatever. That’s my word for this show: whatever. We’re at about 5 minutes of build for this disaster. I guess Bushwackers is a copyrighted term.

Somehow they look better than anyone else. Luke licked my face once. Can we get the tape of the Bushwackers on Family Matters instead of me having to watch this atrocity? Apparently they’ve won tag titles in 26 countries. Well ok then. The heels jump them early to start to further establish that they’re EVIL. Dutch explains the term short end of the stick which has some kind of scale according to him. Please, just take me now.

Sheik gets on the mic and says if they keep chanting USA then he’ll leave. You know what comes next. The announcers argue about cutting each other off. I hate this show quite a bit. They’re really trying to get this whole they’re Heroes thing embedded in. Can we just watch Heroes instead? Just the first season though as it’s by far the best. Sheik is wearing shorts also.

The kicks they’re throwing aren’t even close at all. How much are these guys being paid? I guarantee you it’s too much. After a “slam” Nikolai covers Luke and Butch comes in for the save. He doesn’t need to though as Nikolai reacts to the saving shot before it hits so there we are again.

The camel clutch, which made British Bulldog tap inside of 5 seconds in 1986 is on for 15 seconds before Butch saves. At least I think he saved as we cut to a shot of the manager so for all I know Butch just did the Charleston for awhile and Sheik didn’t like his movement and showed him what to do. Who knows though?

I do however know that the manager raised his right arm. You can hear individual lines from the fans by the way. And I mean individual conversations, not just random screams. ANOTHER foreign object misses and Luke pins Sheik with the fastest count this side of Nick Patrick gets the three. The heels almost fight afterwards but they hug it out.

Rating: G+. That’s below an F-. This was stupid and bad. I think it was a comedy match but I couldn’t tell. They did manage to name the heel team The Iron Curtain though which I can’t believe no one got that before. We’re half done with this and I want to cry. Or die, either one. Getting humbled wouldn’t be bad either. When the Bushwackers are the best workers in there, that’s not saying a lot at all.

They plug a site with memorabilia from this show on it for the second time tonight. I can live with that since they were really just trying to break even here.

Tully Blanchard says nothing as Stan Lane hits him and dumps him into the trunk of the limo. He doesn’t shut it though, making the limo rental completely pointless. We get another promo from Tully where he says this was supposed to be fun and he doesn’t need to do this anymore.

He goes into a promo on Lane which is actually good. The first half could totally be put into an ad about how much this show sucked. Blanchard can definitely still talk. This was actually really good. It’s complete nonsense, but it’s very well delivered and actually got me buying the match. Tully really is awesome and that’s the first time I’ve ever said that I think.

Tully Blanchard vs. Stan Lane

So Blanchard, a career heel, is the face here while one of the Fabulous Ones, a career face team, is the heel? (Yes I know that he was a heel for a lot of his career). Lane pulls a Kennedy and does his own intro. He says he works for ESPN which is true. He once covered a boating race for them, I kid you not.

He even looks like Kennedy. This is kind of weird. Blanchard is in and we’re immediately at it. Yeah Lane is definitely heel here. Screw the Horsemen. Lane was a FABULOUS ONE. He definitely knows how to be the heel better than Tully. Mantel calls the ring the crib. I want to shoot myself even harder now. Surprisingly they both look decent considering how old they are.

They clearly stay in at least decent shape. Tully has a bit of a gut but that’s more than understandable. Also, let it be made clear: Tully Blanchard, a guy that has broken all kinds of arms and legs and more or less tried to murder both Dusty Rhodes and Magnum TA is a HERO of wrestling.

We get a figure four on the floor for no apparent reason as this match is slow and lumbering but it could be much worse. We get a belly to back suplex and both guys’ arms are down but Blanchard gets it up just in time. I guess he called his doctor about Cialis.

Rating: D-. This is likely your match of the night. It was far from great or even good but it could have been far worse. Both guys kept things in the 80s but that’s what they’re best at so I can’t argue that. It was watchable and at seven minutes it’s the second shortest match of the night so that’s all fine and not very good but somehow that’s high praise for this show.

We see Anvil and Bundy (again). Anvil does his usual insane interview and I already feel sorry for what he’s going to have to deal with later on.

One Man Gang vs. Abdullah the Butcher

Oh this isn’t going to be easy. Gang has issues getting into the ring. We have an interview with him where he shouts the whole time. I would have preferred Akeem but whatever. Abdullah’s manager is named Honest John Cheatum. We’re a minute in and Abdullah is bleeding.

That man should have a blood bank named after him. I think this is a hardcore match but I’m not sure as it’s never actually told, but we’re told this should be a treat for hardcore fans. We have chairs and chains used so I’d assume it is one. Butcher is bleeding badly to the shock of no one at all.

It can’t be a good idea to have One Man Gang run the match. This just isn’t going to go well but somehow Gang has won a more prestigious title: he actually held the US Title for a few months in 1995. Abdullah’s manager gets on commentary for no apparent reason. I guess he just wandered over there and got bored with the match. He’s from Paducah, Kentucky of all places and talks like a southern preacher. And believe me, as I’ve heard a lot of southern preachers.

He likes saying where he’s from. Apparently Butcher is here to destroy the idols. This is just odd indeed. And he’s gone now. So Butcher is the favorite here, and therefore the man that’s being cheered, but he’s not the idol? Either that or he’s going to destroy himself. Gang is bleeding too due to the fork shots.

The elbow hits, although you wouldn’t know it because the cameras were elsewhere. Have we seen a single finisher tonight??? We get a double countout. Really? Really? These guys were afraid to lay down here? REALLY??? The brawl goes on forever as they fix/clean the ring.

Rating: F-. It was a hardcore brawl, but just not a very good one. They went with the smart thing here of the brawling but it just wasn’t that good, although this was the best they could do. It was a freak show match, but still, this is hardly a kid friendly show like they seem to be marketing it as.

We have replays forever from this match.

We see a clip from a poker game between Snuka, Orton, Albano and some guy we don’t know. Orton is apparently cheating. This sets up the match for tonight. This makes great sense because, you know, in a CASINO they clearly couldn’t find a card game to play in and it’s perfectly common to play poker with a guy you’re having a GRUDGE MATCH with. Also, WHO FILMS A POKER GAME???

Albano says nothing of note. He’s managing Snuka, even though he’s Commissioner.

Orton says nothing of note.

Bob Orton vs. Jimmy Snuka

They say Orton is from Kansas City, Kansas even though it’s been Missouri his whole career. They say they’ve been excited for this match since the video of the poker game, meaning all of 3 minutes. Albano is stepping down as Commissioner after tonight. Good to know I guess.

They do a long mat sequence which is the highlight of the match but gets an Orton is gay chant. Yeah because good wrestling is such a terrible thing to have on the card. Ok to be fair he does work the arm way too long, as in he does it nearly 5 minutes. Nothing at all of note happens in this match, but it’s by far the least sloppy of them all.

Snuka wins with a crossbody from the top. Why? You have one of the most famous finishers of all time and you use a freaking high cross body that they act like is the same thing as the splash. I don’t know what to even say to this.

Rating: F+. Somehow this was 11 minutes long. I think nearly half of that was arm work by Orton. Did any of that actually mean anything? Not at all of course as that would have been psychology and a good thing and we can’t have our HEROES do that.

And here it is. The moment that makes this show so infamous. Jake Roberts cuts a promo before his match with Neidhart, and he can’t even look straight. He’s babbling, he’s slurring his words, he’s playing with his hair. Think about Roberts messing with his hair. Think about all of his promos and have you ever seen him do that?

He says he cheats at cards, making me wonder if he coached Orton earlier. He rambles on and on and on about playing cards and gambling and the snake and none of this makes any sense whatsoever. Jake is being loud and ridiculous. Think about who I’m saying is doing this. Jake Roberts is being loud. He staggers around to show the snake to Anvil and then starts saying DDT over and over again. Jake has to lean on the interviewer to stand up and the poor guy is clearly not comfortable with this. That takes us to ringside.

Jake Roberts vs. Jim Neidhart

Now the person that I feel sorry for here is Anvil. He’s a 44 year old man that was a decent wrestler but his time has gone. He was in WCW about a year before this doing nothing at all and he hasn’t meant anything in wrestling since. He gets a phone call one day offering him to come to Mississippi to wrestle in front of a few thousand people for more or less a legends show.

Say for argument’s sake he’s getting a thousand dollars for a ten minute match. That’s not bad really. He gets his gear together and shows up ready to work for the pay promised. Based on who he’s fighting, it’s fairly safe to think that Anvil is going to lose to a DDT. The match is about to begin, and he gets this. Jake can barely talk yet he’s supposed to be able to wrestle a coherent match?

Oh and the announcer says Jake is accompanied by his little friend Damien. We’ll ignore that Damien is about 12 feet long and that he died back in 1991 thanks to Earthquake but whatever. The announcer that earlier made fun of the guy that called it Biloxi, you guessed it, calls it Biloxi. Jake can barely walk to the ring and then puts the snake down and walks back up the ramp. His boots aren’t even laced up. Think about that for a minute.

Again, Anvil is playing to the referee about the snake being there and is stretching a bit before the match. In other words, he’s doing exactly what he’s supposed to be doing. And now Jake goes back through the curtain for a bit. Sadly enough, the first thing that came into my mind was he needed a hit to keep going.

Anvil again is left to make something of this but people didn’t pay to see him stand in the ring and throw his arms up. To be fair to him though, he signed up to wrestle Jake Roberts, not do a one man show. I can easily see why this is considered a bad show. Imagine paying for this and watching it live. Ah there’s Jake, sans shirt.

Jake grabs a fan’s hands and rubs them on his chest. She doesn’t seem to mind, but what if she did. Keep in mind, the match hasn’t actually started yet. Hey he made it into the ring!

The snake has gotten partially out of the bag, so Jake, likely having no clue what country he’s in at this point, takes it out and puts part of it between his legs and, you guessed it, jerks it off, thankfully on a wide shot. He lays down on the mat, which more than likely wasn’t his intention, and licks the stupid thing while Anvil just walks around. What in the world did he ever do to deserve this?

They mention Jake’s Intercontinental Title reign. For those of you racking your brain to remember it, it aired on the same tape that the Rockers won the tag titles on and that Hogan beat Flair in MSG for the world title aired on. (For those of you that don’t get it, Jake never won the IC Title. Those other things happened, but they never aired on TV or tape but they both happened.)

Anvil tries to work the arm and run the match, I think as the heel. After a LONG sequence with Anvil being in control on the mat since I don’t think Jake is capable of walking more than thirty seconds at a time. Jake loses his boots and is now in his socks as this is continuing to somehow get even worse than it already was. I didn’t think that was possible but somehow I’m wrong again.

Bundy comes out for no adequately explained reason. He breaks up the DDT for no apparent reason either and gets flipped off by Jake, again with kids in the audience. We get a 2-1 beatdown until “The Former” Yokozuna come out. Yeah that’s what they call him. It turns into a tag match with Yoko and Jake vs. Neidhart and Bundy.

They say we have 650 of Yoko and Bundy and 450 and Neidhart at over 300, even though he was announced at 256. Now we have a problem. Yoko is SO freaking fat that he can’t do anything in the ring longer than about 8 seconds. Our other option is Jake and even though they were sent out to prevent him from looking terrible, they pick him to work the majority of the match.

Oh good night this is almost too much. So it’s a standard tag match, or at least standard when one guy can’t stand up. Yoko and Bundy, the main event, interact for about 8 seconds if that. Eventually we hit the floor for no reason and Anvil hits Jake twice with a chair. I wonder if there were some extra hard shots there.

See Jake if you’re interested in shots I guess. Other than that, this is a mess. We go back into the ring and Jake makes the clear tag but Bundy splashes him and pins him anyway. Jake and Yoko beat up Bundy’s manager who didn’t appear until the end. The fans chant DDT and Yoko says give it to him but Jake won’t do it so Yoko has to give him a Samoan Drop instead. Jake puts the snake on him and it just ends without anything other than that.

Rating: Agoobwa. I have no idea what that means, but there was no rating around that I could think of to adequately describe this. It was an embarrassment to wrestling to allow this to happen and an embarrassment to Jake to allow himself to do this in front of both fans and especially children.

I get that he has demons, but he needs to get rid of them before he climbs in a ring again. If he wants to wrestle then fine, but if I was the promoter and saw him in that condition, there would be no way I would send him out there, period.

Make the main event a triple threat or something, but no way do you send him out there. This show goes WAY up if he doesn’t appear. This wasn’t funny or entertaining. It was very sad and very disturbing. Grow up Jake. You need to.

Overall Rating: S. As in I am speechless about how bad this was. The intention was there. The idea itself isn’t completely terrible but it wasn’t thought out at all. The matches were bad, the commentary was awful, nothing made sense, the stories kept changing and it just was a disgrace.

This actually cost $20. You should be given that back and a sincere apology if you bought this show. This was a complete train wreck where Tully Blanchard, who hadn’t wrestled in a mainstream company in nearly ten years had the best match. I have no idea what they were thinking backstage, but I don’t want to know.

This was just flat out bad and as Norcal put it, it’s infamous for all the wrong reasons. Avoid completely, as usually I would say to watch it for the comedy, but it’s not funny in the slightest. This could actually be the worst show ever.

Royal Rumble 1999
Date: January 24, 1999
Location: Arrowhead Pond, Anaheim, California
Attendance: 14,800
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

The company is in full control of the Monday Night Wars at this point as WCW is managing to find ways previously unimaginable to mess up their company. We’re about three weeks after the Fingerpoke of Doom here, so to say the people are annoyed with WCW is an understatement. In essence, the WWF has a free show here where they can more or less do whatever they want as long as the ending works and they’ll be praised for it.

Your two big things going on at the moment are obviously Vince vs. Austin and then the great but kind of forgotten feud of Mankind, the reigning WWF Champion here, vs. Rock in the I Quit match. The company has also started to shape itself for the future, as people like the Hardys, Edge and Christian, Val Venis and Test are all around now.

They’re not a big deal yet, but it’s coming. There’s a $100,000 bounty on Austin’s head from Vince tonight in the Rumble, so it’s in essence Austin vs. the world. That sounds decent so let’s get to it.

Personal story: on this night I was coming home from Winchester which was 30 minutes from Lexington. Halfway my dad’s car broke down and we had to walk an hour to get to a house to use a phone and I missed the show. The feed was messed up so the show didn’t air anyway but I was ticked. My dad had said that the car having 250,000 miles on it wasn’t a problem at all and he didn’t need a mechanic. Good to know pop.

Before we start we get an exclusive interview with Road Dogg saying he’s working twice tonight. Boss Man says he wants the bounty. He never should be allowed to talk. Mark Henry wants the money as well. Jarrett uses the term storylines which just doesn’t sound right for some reason. Him talking about Austin is just amusing as Austin is the reason Jarrett is gone from the company forever.

Allegedly Jarrett and Austin were in a smaller company together once and Austin wasn’t happy with his pay and he was looking at his check one night. Jarrett said that it’s not going to get any bigger by staring at it, which Austin took as Jarrett saying Austin wasn’t working hard enough.

Austin got the top spot in the WWF and made sure Jarrett was never allowed back. Once WCW went under, Jarrett started TNA since he had nowhere else to go. Cornette talks about Chyna being #30 and says she’s in for a surprise but never says that she can’t do it which is a nice little touch.

The video says that Austin has No Chance, which is also the theme song for tonight. In case you didn’t know, that’s where Vince got the song from. Oh I forgot: Shawn was Commissioner at this time. Austin will be #1 and Vince will be #2 in the Rumble so there we are. Vince’s acting was pretty good back then actually. After our standard intros we’re ready to go.

Road Dogg vs. Big Boss Man

Roadie is face now while Boss Man is head of security for Vince’s Corporate Team. I swear you needed a scorecard to keep track of all this stuff back in the day. Dogg gets a hugs pop here as he’s got the intro down. He’s hardcore champion here but this is nontitle. Dogg wasn’t a great wrestler, but he found something that worked for him and he RAN with it.

Boss Man and Shamrock are tag champions here but they would lose them the next night to Jarrett and Owen. Boss Man tries to scare him and is told what to do which involves an imbibing of Road Dogg’s….yeah. The crowd is way hot here. In something unrelated, Mankind got beaten up in a match with Mable on Heat that will come into play later. The announcers can’t figure out why the Corporation didn’t make this for the Hardcore Title.

Naturally this is mostly a brawl, which granted I guess makes sense given who is in there. Lawler asks if Cole ever exercises his right to be silent. Cole transitions into saying Vince has been exercising to get ready for tonight. Wow. This is more or less all Boss Man. While choking Road Dogg on the ropes, Boss Man shouts to Lawler. He’s WAY too loud here and is clearly miked up. Jerry is full blown heel here which is what he was best at so there we are.

Roadie starts his comeback and hits the really stupid three punches called the Shake Rattle and Roll for two because no one with any self esteem would get pinned by that. Boss Man hits the slam out of nowhere for the pin. I mean he was down and being covered and Road Dogg came off the ropes and got hit with it.

Cole offers a pearl of wisdom by saying that this would have been different had it been under hardcore rules. In other words, he’s saying if it had been different it would have been different. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the voice of Raw!

Rating: C-. It was kind of long but very standard stuff. There’s nothing special here, which I think was kind of the problem. Either way, I think this worked pretty well given what they had as Boss Man was little more than a joke while Road Dogg was a gimmick wrestler. Given what they had to work with, this went as well as possible.

We get a quick recap of Billy vs. Shamrock. More or less, Billy hit on Shamrock’s very hot “sister” to get us this match.

Intercontinental Title: Billy Gunn vs. Ken Shamrock

So wait. Why did they go with the two singles matches here? You have the most popular tag team in the company and have them face the tag champions in back to back singles matches? I get that the titles were going to Owen and Jeff the next night, but you couldn’t have a cheating heel win here? The Outlaws were always better as a team, yet they’re going single here. I don’t understand that one at all.

Shamrock had some great facials most of the time. He looked freaking insane and it helped his character a lot. After some bad punches to start, Cole says that a clothesline Shamrock hits was unreal. No, I’m pretty sure he hit him with it. Less than two minutes into this and we’re in a chinlock. That can’t be a good sign. Ken literally kicks Gunn to the floor. After going outside and Billy literally missing the post, we go through about 8 minutes of pure average stuff.

It’s not great, it’s not horrible, but it’s just average all around. That means it’s kind of interesting but at the same time you might as well not even be watching at all. In a move that stuns, yes STUNS I say, the world, the referee goes down. They desperately tried to make Gunn a big deal time after time and it never worked, just like here. Venis runs out and nails Shamrock because they were also feuding over his sister.

I can’t blame them as she was hot. Billy somehow botches a running splash. How can you do that? He jumped early I think. How is that possible? After going to the top and missing, Billy hurts his ankle. Guess what happens. Ok so let’s see: storyline based on sex, rather pointless run in, illogical booking as Gunn had all the momentum in the world coming up to this, and an overly long brawl. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear this was a Russo match. And by George, IT WAS!

Rating: D+. Again, this was the same as the last one was: kind of pointless. Why did these guys need almost 15 minutes? Why not just give the fans what they want, as in the Outlaws as a team? There’s zero reason here to have them both in singles matches here when another team is going to get the title shot the next night. Why not, maybe Owen and Jeff get singles matches here? Are you telling me that Owen vs. Shamrock wouldn’t be better than Shamrock vs. Billy?

In the back the Stooges and Shane are trying to pump up Vince. The heat here on Vince is unreal.

European Title: Gangrel vs. X-Pac

Don’t waste your time looking for a reason for this as it doesn’t exist. Random title matches aren’t always bad though. Good grief that music was beyond awesome. Take that New Moon. It’s coming out in two days so I’m a bit annoyed with it. This feels like a match from Attitude or War Zone or something. Those are way old school video games in case you don’t know those names. It’s weird to think that Gangrel was the leader of the Brood yet has had by far the least success.

Both of these guys have a thing for sucking so at least there’s a theme. X-Pac is called the greatest European Champion ever. I’m not touching that one. We have our first heart reference. I’m actually liking this match. They’re keeping it simple, which is what I think this title is best at. It never really was a huge deal but it was played well I think. Gangrel is limited in the ring so they’re keeping it simple. Naturally that’s all thrown out the window with another big heart reference and the Bronco Buster.

I hate that move. It looks stupid, it wouldn’t be that effective, and above all else: IT LOOKS FREAKING STUPID! Seriously, what was the appeal of that thing? X-Pac shows off his versatile offense by using his third spin kick in less than 4 minutes.

We get a decent little screw up from Teddy Long as Gangrel reverses a cross body and Long accidentally counts three with Pac’s shoulder up at about two and a quarter. He waves it off and the fans just let him have it. Soon thereafter we finish as Gangrel tries to throw Pac into the air but he counters with a huge X Factor to end it. Sweet ending there.

Rating: B-. This was actually good. They did the smart thing here and kept it simple which is the best solution sometimes. Why over complicate something that’s fine the way it is? It was a decent time at just under five minutes and for a token title match, this was just fine.

DX is in the back and say that tonight it’s every man for himself. Chyna, who I would do lots of evil things to if she looked like that now, says or woman for herself.

Shane comes out to pure generic music as No Chance wasn’t the official song yet. He introduces Luna. For some reason he hated Sable at this time for no apparent reason.

Women’s Title: Sable vs. Luna

This is a strap match. Why is it a strap match? I don’t have the slightest clue but that’s the Attitude Era for you. Luna hurt Sable earlier so apparently we have no match. Sable’s bad acting is almost funny. She just won the title in a match where again it was all about her being pretty and having nothing to do with talent or anything like that. Luna was good in the ring but she never got a freaking run with the title because of the witches like Sable.

Sable says the match is on, making the segment with Shane completely pointless. Oh geez it’s a corners match so this could be awhile. It’s very difficult not to make strap on jokes here. Shane says this is about Sable taking advantage of his father. I shudder to think of what that might imply.

Since this is a strap match, the ending is one person touching all three corners with the other following and doing the same then the ending. In this case, Tori, who was just known as Sable’s stalker at this point, nails Luna to keep the belt on Sable and keeping us all in this hell world.

Rating: F. There was nothing of note here and we had to put up with Luna’s unshapely figure. It wasn’t much at all and lasted like 4 minutes. This was a waste of time with Sable of course being made to look great as she always did.

In the back the Corporation is talking about the match tonight. Shamrock is REALLY short.

We hit the recap of Rock and Mankind. The idea here is that Mankind took the title in the night where Tony Schiavone said that he did, causing a ton of people to change the channel. Rock wanted a rematch and listed off all kinds of stipulations that Foley refused to agree to.

Finally Rock said he quit and Foley shouted that he accepted Rock’s challenge of an I Quit match. He followed that up by summarizing this match perfectly: “Rock, how does it feel going into a match that you can’t win?” That’s your match right there. This was a great recap of a great feud that’s kind of overlooked which is a shame.

Rock says he’ll win in a lot more words than that.

WWF Title: Rock vs. Mankind

This match is notoriously difficult to watch due to what happens in it, but let’s get going. As Foley comes to the ring we see a clip from earlier in the show where he had a “warm up” match on Heat with Mabel who hit some splashes on him to soften him up. Remember when Heat used to actually mean something? I miss those days. Almost right off the bat we get a great line from Lawler. Cole says that he can’t see Mankind saying I Quit.

Lawler says you don’t see it you idiot. Note: Foley’s family is at ringside. Mankind is completely dominating at this point. That ends after the knees to the steps spot that always looks ridiculously painful. Rock gets on a headset during the match which is another thing that he always did which was at least entertaining. This is brutal already. We get the sock 5 minutes into the match. How brilliant of an idea was that?

It’s something so completely stupid and basic but it caught fire like few other things ever have. Rock goes out from it so Foley starts talking on the mic that the referee carries and says he’s going to split open that ridiculous eyebrow. We hit the crowd and now we’re ready to go. Foley is way over at this point and was more or less the champion of the people which was the reason the people’s champion thing for Rock worked so well. It really was amusing.

Rock gets the bell and the hammer and puts the bell to Foley’s head and rings it. You know, instead of hitting him with the bell or the hammer. Rock tries to Rock Bottom him through the Spanish table but it breaks. It went off prematurely. This is working because it’s Mankind who was supposed to be just a guy that wouldn’t quit no matter what against a great athlete like the Rock. I’m completely buying into the idea here, which granted it might be that Foley is my all time favorite wrestler.

We’re up by the entry way now as Lawler channels Gordon Solie. A DDT on the floor doesn’t make Foley give up. Rock pulls out a ladder which would kind of foreshadow one of their next gimmick matches. They go up a ladder for no apparent reason and fight on something like a scaffold. Rock hits a running shot and Foley goes into the equipment and gets electrocuted, prompting the lights to go out and Cole to shout out Christ Almighty. That’s a bit much.

Apparently Foley may be dead despite rolling around on the floor and making noise. Shane comes out too as if nothing else they’re doing a good job of making this look serious. Rock says no doctors because Foley is going to say he quits no matter what. I love how Rock says the words I Quit while talking there so technically he just lost the match.

Foley is more or less dead as they go back to the ring. While he’s laying on the mat, Cole asks how he can stand. That got me to roll my eyes at the stupidity of it, as Rock gets handcuffs and we move into the segment that’s been called the most brutal in company history. Foley can get his hands up and Rock just goes nuts with all kinds of free shots. In an impressive sequence, Foley gets the advantage despite having no free hands. That’s very cool to see actually.

And Rock gets a chair. Oh this isn’t going to be easy to sit through. With Foley on the mat, Rock puts the chair over his head and drops the elbow, which apparently shatters Foley’s skull. So, an elbow to the chair which is laying on his head cracked his skull but being rammed into all kinds of things didn’t? I can’t stand Cole. Anyway, Rock has the chair, and starts swinging at Foley’s head with it.

You have to remember, Foley’s hands and arms are useless at this point. He can’t get them up to even cushion the blow at all. The original plan was for Rock to hit him I think 3 times with it and then Foley would be out cold and they would do the finish. However, Rock didn’t do that. He wouldn’t put the mic near Foley for the finish so Mick had to just keep getting up. Rock hits him with literally t0 shots, all unprotected to the head.

He has chances to hit him in the back or anywhere else where at least it wouldn’t have looked as bad, but Rock went for the head every time. You can tell the announcers are having a real problem with this as even Lawler who has been behind Rock all night long is saying that’s enough in that voice of his where you can tell he’s being legit about something. Rock hits perhaps the sickest looking chair shot I’ve ever seen to the back of Foley’s head to knock him down again. Foley is DEAD.

Rock says a bunch of stuff on the mic and then shoves it at his mouth, and a prerecorded tape of Foley screaming I QUIT from a promo a few weeks ago plays to give Rock the title again. This was really confusing at the time as Foley was clearly out cold yet the voice was really loud.

I had missed that segment from Raw so I was confused as hell. Anyway, this was absolutely brutal at the end and Foley was legit messed up bad from this match. Rock had to give him a big apology for it and I don’t think Foley’s family has been to a live match of his since, which I can’t blame them at all for.

Rating: B. This really was a solid match. The gimmick aspect was indeed brilliant as Foley would never say he quit and in the match he didn’t. The chair shots were WAY too much as everyone was clearly not comfortable with how far Rock took that.

Foley and Rock had great chemistry together and you could see it every time they were on the screen together. There was no need to go that far with it though and it showed clearly. Foley would get the belt back in 2-3 weeks at Halftime Heat before losing it in a ladder match on Raw that no one remembers.

We talk about the Rumble and the bounty because the 12 promos about them weren’t enough. Also we get a long video about Vince vs. Austin which we know already as well.

Royal Rumble

Like has also been said all night, Austin is first and Vince is second. The intervals are 90 seconds this year, which means about 75 in reality. Howard takes WAY too long for the rules which draws all kinds of heckling from Lawler. Literally, he talks for over a minute. Vince has no music at this point which just is odd as hell. This is the first time we’ve ever seen Vince with his shirt off so the physique is something unheard of.

Of course Austin beats the living hell out of Vince and the crowd is on fire for it. Austin drops an F bomb by mistake which means nothing. This right here should have been the main event of Wrestlemania. Golga, more commonly known as John Tenta or Earthquake is 3rd. The fans are dancing with him if nothing else. Golga jumps Austin after a Thesz Press but is gone in about 10 seconds as Vince and Austin hit the floor and run away through the crowd.

Austin is so ridiculously popular it’s scary. Droz, a very sad story indeed, is 4th and because of the brilliant booking so far, has nothing to do but stand in the ring and wait on someone to fight. In the back we see Austin chase Vince into a bathroom where the Corporation is conveniently waiting on him to beat the hell out of him. After about 20 seconds, Edge is fifth. Remember that Austin and Vince are still in this but they’re just not here at the moment.

Edge and Droz get something going so we don’t have an empty ring. If nothing else they’re two young and mostly over guys that are getting a chance to show what they can do. The problem is no one cares and there’s no way anyone but Austin or Vince will win this thing, which is the problem with the Rumble as a whole. About a minute after Edge is in Gillberg, who might be the funniest gimmick is in at 6th.

In case you don’t know he was a parody of Goldberg, complete with holding sparklers and having fake chants piped in, but unlike WCW, they pushed them as fake. Edge drops him in about 8 seconds. We cut to the Corporation beating on Austin, because that’s far more important than what’s going on in the ring. Don’t you love Russo? Seventh is Steve Blackman as we’re in jobber land already.

Hey, let’s go back to that bathroom because we haven’t done that enough lately, as Austin is being put on a stretcher and taken away. Droz is trying to be part of the LOD at this point, as Hawk was just a mess in real life and in storylines. Dan Severn is number 8, because we need another glorified jobber here. He held the NWA title for years, having to drop it because of MMA stuff. Austin is shown AGAIN, this time being taken to an ambulance.

They mess up and catch him moving his arm just because we have to be real or something, which makes no sense but nothing on this show does so there we are. Tiger Ali Singh is ninth. Think Million Dollar Man meets Muhammad Hassan minus any semblance of talent. Time for an Austin cut, as he’s leaving the arena. Apparently the eight minutes or so that Droz and Edge have been fighting constitutes a long time. Blue Meanie is 10th as we’re flying through this tour of jobber ville.

He’s in the Job Squad here in case you’re that bored. Apparently the Brood and the Job Squad are feuding. Yes, that’s correct: two more or less useless factions are feuding, and still no one cares about either of them. Brood had cool music if nothing else though. Maybe 40 seconds after Meanie,

Mable is 11th, but he doesn’t come out just yet because it was supposed to be Mosh. Mabel attacks him so he can take his place. IT’S DRAMA TIME! I’m quite bored here so I have to make fun of stuff where I can. He’s gimmickless here and is just beating on people. He puts out Tiger, Blackman and Severn in about 10 seconds. Oh come on. After MAYBE 30 seconds Road Dogg is next.

They’re just saying forget it with the time here. Everyone but Edge and Mabel are gone so it’s Road Dogg, Mabel and Edge and never mind as Edge is gone now. They go at it but the lights go out and we have Taker music. We come back to have the APA and Mideon beating on Mabel to put him out. Taker, in full demon priest mode here, looks at Mabel and I guess hypnotizes him or something as he is beaten down.

He would become Viscera the next night which was his character for the rest of his career as still no one would care. This was WAY over the top and yet again, we have one person in the ring. Remember, Austin and Vince are still in. Gangrel, rocking his awesome music, is 12th. The people in the front row dancing badly to his music is funny. Other than Austin and Vince, Road Dogg is the biggest star in here so far.

Gangrel is out in about 12 seconds, so we have nothing going on again. Rock on Russo! This is riveting, RIVETING I SAY! They just drop the clock again as about 30 seconds pass before Kurrgan of the Oddities is 14th. I really hate this match. Seriously, we’re halfway through this thing almost and we’re watching Kurrgan vs. Road Dogg. Al Snow gets us to 15 as I flip through my DVD collection since it’s far more interesting to look at match listings that I’ve already seen before.

Snow lost Head for some stupid reason that likely went nowhere. Dogg puts him out in about 45 seconds. We get Road Dogg vs. Kurrgan for the 2nd time tonight as Rock and Austin are in danger of being passed for best feud ever. Goldust is next as he’s entered that point in his career where no one cares about him as he’s just Goldust. There’s nothing freaky about him anymore and he’s just a guy in gold that no one really cares about.

The last ten here better be freaking AMAZING. Dogg mocks Goldust and sets up for Shattered Dreams, but we can’t have Dogg beat up anyone so Kurrgan saves him. Godfather is 17th as we’re thankfully flying through this. Of course he’s got Hos with him which gets a bigger pop than anything else as I’m suddenly ashamed of being a fan of the Attitude Era. This isn’t wrestling. There’s nothing redeeming about this.

Let’s see what we have here. A pimp, a man that molests other men for no apparent reason, a guy that dances badly and is proud of the fact that he’s a social outcast, and a guy constantly making rather sexual references. What is possibly appealing here? Kane is 18th as he at least has a ton of jobbers to beat up.

Kane has recently been rebelling against the Corporation, meaning he’s now just shy of being a face for the first time other than for 6 days at this time last year. He clears the ring inside of 30 seconds. Hey, we’ve got one person in the ring AGAIN! Dang he’s getting a pop for this. So let’s see. We have a former world champion who is quite over and dominating. My goodness we’re on to something here! We have a guy that could be a legit challenger to the standard winners!

This could make Kane a legit…oh screw it you know where this is going. Naturally he’s in the match less than a minute as a group of men in white coats come back, allegedly to put Kane back in a mental institution. He beats them up and jumps over the top rope, eliminating himself.

Shamrock is 19th, and due to the brilliance of this booking, has to stand in the ring and do nothing for 90 seconds, killing any heat the Kane built up for him. We could have had a decent showdown between a crazed monster and a submission machine. How does that sounds? Shamrock vs. Kane? It wouldn’t main event a Wrestlemania but it could have been interesting if nothing else, but instead we have Shamrock literally standing in the ring just waiting for something to happen.

See, this right here is why this Rumble is complete and utter crap. This is why fans HATE Russo’s booking. Yeah a lot of stuff has happened here, but there is ZERO substance to it. We’ve had nothing but jobbers in here so far until Kane showed up, and after he gets one of the biggest reactions of the night and looks awesome, a stupid angle that went nowhere gets rid of him. Russo is notorious for trying to fit 100 different angles into a single match and that’s what he’s done here.

Instead of having a decent match which could have happened had this been booked right, and had there been anyone other than Austin and McMahon coming in at one and two. That’s the issue here: anyone with a brain can tell you that 3-30 don’t even need to show up. It’s going to come down to Vince vs. Austin, which is fine I guess as it’s the only possible ending, but they screwed this up so badly by having them come out first.

Instead, have Austin come in at like 25th or 26th and clear the ring, THEN have Vince come in at 30 to set up the showdown. The Corporation runs in for a big brawl, and then do the finish. There, see what that accomplishes? All night long you know that Austin is going to be in there somewhere, but you don’t know where. He’s going to face big odds, but no one knows how big. The other guys can build themselves up a bit and get the crowd into it.

Austin was certainly getting the biggest pop of the night, so anything anyone gets after that is going to be lackluster. Why not instead have Austin saved until closer to the end, so that he still gets his big pop but everyone else gets a nicer one as well? There’s more drama, the fans will be more into the rest of the match, and it takes some pressure off of Austin while still giving you the finish you wanted. Instead, let’s have a ton of dead spots and jobbers fight each other.

Look at earlier on. Why did Golga have to be eliminated so fast? Instead of having Droz vs. Golga (which sounds like a Japanese monster movie if I’ve ever heard one) for a few minutes, we have Droz standing there. I know that’s not the most appealing match in the world, but it’s SOMETHING. It’s not a guy standing around waiting on something to happen, but rather an actual, you know, wrestling match.

Why would we need that though when we can have pointless angles and spots that bring the match to halt after halt? This is a great example of how Russo’s booking can ruin a match in one easy lesson. ANYWAY, Vince comes out just before Shamrock to do commentary. Oh joy indeed. Billy Gunn is 20th because instead of a fresh match we need a repeat of the one from earlier in the show. Gunn is limping at least but for some reason only has one boot on.

To contine this match’s stupidity, on one ankle Gunn uses a gorilla press. I can’t stand this match. I truly can’t. Test is 21st as we cut to the future Ministry kidnapping Mabel. Oh my goodness let the shocks continue! Just at the EXACT same time as that’s happening, STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD is back in an ambulance.

WAIT A MINUTE YOU FREAKING IDIOTS! Are you really trying to convince me that in less than 30 minutes, Austin was knocked completely unconscious, strapped to a stretcher, put in an ambulance, woke up, managed to get enough wits about him to get off the stretcher, get control of the ambulance, drive the ambulance back to the arena in a city that I’d assume he doesn’t know the street design of, and get back into the parking lot?

And all that in less time than it takes to deliver a pizza? And no one finds this even the SLIGHTEST bit odd? No one at all? Yeah I still hate this match. Actually this isn’t a match. It’s a performance piece or something stupid like that. Vince is of course SHOCKED. I love how he’s shocked over things he booked. Oh come on Austin isn’t even sweating. Give me a break. Austin walks into the arena as Boss Man’s music plays since he’s 22nd.

To further take away from the people in the ring that are doing the work on this show, Austin chases Vince. They get in the ring and Austin puts out Shamrock and gets jumped again. Oh look Austin has a rope from somewhere. This is like a bad SNL sketch or something. HHH, to a HUGE pop so you know he’s not winning, is 23rd. Since he was so popular he would be turned heel at Mania in a HUGE twist. Everything is huge back then remember as this is now WCW 2.

HHH beating on Austin just feels right. Val Venis is 24th. To recap we have Boss Man, Austin, Test, HHH, Gunn and Venis in the ring and Vince at ringside. Austin puts out Gunn. Nothing of note is happening here for the most part. X-Pac is 25th and I still could care less. Allegedly he’s the lightest competitor in Rumble history. And naturally since that involves company history, it’s nonsense. Pierroth from the 97 rumble is smaller.

Austin is knocked to the floor under the ropes and comes in off the top rope of all things. That was odd if nothing else. Henry, ANOTHER sex based character is the first of the final 5 guys. This is just after the very stupid transvestite bit between Chyna and Henry. Don’t ask. This just needs to end like NOW. Jeff Jarrett is 27th. Naturally Debra is the bigger deal here. Other than her face she looks ok actually.

As HHH is beating on Venis, we hear a very familiar voice ask Val “If I throw you can you hang on?”. Nice one there Hunter. To further the brilliance of this match, we’re discussing whether Vince would pay by cash or check. D’lo is 28th along with PMS. This was, you guessed it, another sex based angle called Pretty Mean Sisters, which implied that they had clients that they screwed up because they were so upset with men.

Test and X-Pac are thrown out. Vince saying that Jeff Jarrett is the man made me chuckle. Owen is 29th as Jarrett is thrown out. HHH saves Austin which was just weird as hell to type. Austin hits the floor and throws water on Vince because he’s a BAD MAN. Chyna is 30, making our final batch of people Austin, Vince, Boss Man, Chyna, Henry, Brown, HHH, Venis and Owen. I wonder who will win.

Chyna puts out Henry and then Austin puts her out, making her big moment last all of 30 seconds. Vince cheering on HHH makes me wonder if he knew what was coming. That’s just amusing. We realize the issue of the money as no one wants to let anyone else put Austin out so they keep saving him. Venis is gone as is HHH, leaving the final five as Vince, Austin, Owen, Henry and Brown.

Owen hits the enziguri on Austin but gets thrown out anyway as Austin is apparently tougher than Shawn ever was. Brown hits the sweet Low Down on Austin as Boss Man throws him out. More no selling from Austin as he throws out Boss Man and we’re down to Austin vs. Vince again. Amazingly the Rumble is on the floor and in the crowd again. This is idiotic. Let’s bring a chair in because we haven’t had enough of those tonight right?

Vince hits a quick low blow to buy himself some time once we’re back in the ring. Austin has stone cold guts apparently as he hits a Stunner out of nowhere. Here’s Rock for the distraction, and we make the Rumble look like a joke as Vince throws out Austin to win it. A massive heel celebration follows as Austin chases Rock out.

Rating: F. I’m sorry to the people that worked hard in there, but this was awful on so many levels that I can’t let it pass. This match alone sums up everything that was wrong with the Attitude Era. There were a ton of sex based characters that were weirder and weirder each time. There was no story other than two guys that weren’t in the match for the majority of the time.

No one cared about 28 people in there. The ending was a give away, and the whole thing just sucked all around. There were three times where we had a maximum of one person in the ring due to some stupid angle. That’s just unacceptable all around, just like this match. This was a failure and easily the worst Rumble of all time.

Overall Rating: D-. The best match of the night might have had Gangrel in it. That sums up just about everything you need to know here. This was just a mess as the Rumble sucked, the early stuff sucked, and the title match was actually difficult to sit through. Foley and Rock’s incredible chemistry together saves this from a complete failure though, but not by a lot.

I hated this show and it took me almost 4 days to get through it which is by far and away a record for these reviews. This was just crap all around and not worth watching at all. The title match is good, but that’s all that’s worth watching here at all. Go on Attitude Era freaks. Defend this thing. I want you to. I need the target practice.