Anyone that has been following my stuff lately knows that I’m not a fan of where WWE is going right now, with the majority of my problems being with Brock and HHH. While I’ve kind of explained why it doesn’t work, it’s not something that can be properly explained in a paragraph or two. I’ve been wanting to do a piece on something like this for awhile now so this fits perfectly. Today we’re going to be talking about audiences identifying with characters and how badly things things can go when that totally misses the mark. Let’s get to it.

 

Before I get into this, a disclaimer: there are MANY more ways for a wrestler to get over with a crowd than the ones I’m going to be talking about here. This is NOT saying that a character is a failure if his character doesn’t completely click, as it’s almost impossible to do that for everyone. Therefore, spare me the “I don’t identify with Cena so his character sucks” jazz, because you’re both missing the point and a lunkhead for saying it, not to mention wasting my time.

 

Since professional wrestling got started, the idea has been to find a way to get people to pay their money to buy a ticket to your shows. This was accomplished by taking two guys, coming up with a reason for them to not like each other, and have a wrestling match for the two guys to fight it out. That’s wrestling booking in a very small nutshell, but for some reason that’s been lost over the years (there’s a LOT to be said about that but we’ll come back to it at a later date).

 

Anyway, the idea is you establish characters with a conflict between them and have them settle said conflict in a match. A lot of these conflicts can be very basic, ranging from “you’ve got a title and I want it” to “I lost that match because of you” to “you had to cheat to beat me so now we’re going to fight in a cage where no one can help you”. There are dozens of ways to tell a story, but the good stories are the ones that involve both people and can only involve those people. We’ll come back to that idea later on.

 

There are limitless amounts of characters that you can have in wrestling. Off the top of my head there has been a zombie, a patriot, a viking, desperadoes, a billionaire, a guy that likes birds, a guy that likes snakes, a plumber, a wisecracking jock, a hippie, a lumberjack and a guy from the future. A lot of those are really basic one idea characters, but some of them are well developed ideas who can adapt to any story. The more in depth the character is, the better that character is, as they can be used for more complicated stories while also being able to be placed into whatever story you like. Let’s look at some examples.

 

We’ll start with the biggest character of all time: Hulk Hogan. When you really think about it, Hulk Hogan in the red and yellow is a really simple character. He’s the quintessential good guy who does the right thing (other than cheating in matches), loves kids, and is an AMERICAN. Think back to the 80s and think about how many times Hulk fought some foreigner and then waved the American flag after winning a match. It was a very basic idea but it always got people excited.

 

Why did it get people excited? Very simple: people love their country. Seriously that’s all there is to it. Americans, and people of almost any other nationality, have a love for their country and like to see it be on top. Why do you think so many fans like professional or college team sports? It’s because that’s THEIR town or THEIR school. It’s a sense of self pride that almost all Americans share.

 

Another and probably better example of this kind of character is Jim Duggan. For those of you unfamiliar (how is that possible?), Duggan was an American patriot who wasn’t all that bright, but he carried the American flag in one hand and a big old board in the other. He said all he needed was the Old Glory and these two fists and he’d never stop fighting. Duggan rarely won big matches, but that loveable oaf stayed around forever because it’s almost impossible to now look at a guy carrying the red white and blue and not smile just a little bit.

 

Now let’s take it one step further and look at a more in depth character who was based around American values and the idea of appealing to the masses: the American Dream Dusty Rhodes. Rhodes was the common man, the son of a plumber, the American Dream. He would say “I have wined and dined with kings and queens, and I’ve slept in alleys eating pork and beans.” The idea was he wasn’t some rich guy who was paid millions of dollars and still loved America. He was like YOU and could relate to what you were going through.

 

This kind of common man character was the perfect opponent for the reigning NWA World Champion, the Nature Boy Ric Flair. Flair often bragged about having whatever woman he wanted, hung out with professional athletes, rode in limousines, flew in private jets, and wore clothes that most people would only stare at through high priced store windows before walking down to Wal-Mart to buy the things they could afford. Flair at one point said that his shoes were worth more than Dusty’s house.

 

One day on television, the yet to be named Four Horsemen broke into a steel cage and beat Dusty down, breaking his ankle. A few months later, Dusty returned and talked about how Ric Flair put hard times on Dusty Rhodes and his family. Flair didn’t know what hard times were, but the American people knew what it was. Hard times are when the textile workers are out of work, or when someone has been working thirty years at a job and is given a watch and told a computer is going to do your job. Dusty didn’t look like the modern day athlete, but he loved the people and reached out his hand to them, promising to take the world title.

 

This promo, called Hard Times, is widely considered the greatest promo of all time because the people could and did identify with it. People got what Dusty was talking about and as they listened, they could see what he was talking about in their own lives. The fans identified with Dusty Rhodes and what he was talking about, making Dusty Rhodes THEIR hero. As luck would have it, this hero would be facing a man who was everything the common man wasn’t at a major wrestling event, and YOU could watch it if you paid your money right now.

 

That’s the idea that I’ve been talking about. You had two guys with developed characters which could be put together against each other with the fans identifying with one as the good guy and the other as the bad guy. The feud was a massive success and is one of the best of all times, possibly even the best that WCW ever produced. To this day it’s still one of the best ever because it was so basically yet effectively done.

 

Going with the same idea, another of the biggest feuds of all time was the feud that fueled the Attitude Era: Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon. Look at the basics of this feud. You have Steve Austin, a beer drinking brawler from Texas, facing off with a billionaire from Connecticut who was borderline psychotic and willing to allow a demon who worshipped him to burn a cross like symbol on his lawn and have his daughter sacrificed in a Satanic wedding, all to get the WWF Title off of Steve Austin using his army of hand picked Corporate Champions.

 

Now, how in the world can fans relate to something like that? One idea: how many people have ever wanted to beat up their boss? How many people had ever had a boss who said that you weren’t doing things the way he wanted them to or you were punished by some stupid rule? It was YOU who was out there working hard all day and keeping your company running, but your boss is the one making millions of dollars off the hard work you’re putting in. How would you have liked to crack them over the head with a chair, give them a Stunner and have a cold beer?

 

On top of that, there was something Austin did that Hogan or Sammartino (quick aside: Sammartino was an even more basic ethnic champion than Hogan was. New York City had a lot of Italians and that was all Sammartino was: a strong Italian. That was enough to hold the world title over eleven years and sell out Madison Square Garden about two hundred times. It really is that easy.) or anyone else did: he didn’t always overcome the odds. Think about it.

 

Austin was a six time WWF Champion. Here’s how he lost the belt each time: first blood match against a guy in a mask, loss in a glorified handicap match to Undertaker and Kane, lost to Undertaker in a match where Vince and Shane McMahon were both guest referees, triple threat match, lost to an American hero in said hero’s hometown four days after September 11, 2001 and finally to Chris Jericho after already facing Kurt Angle and having Angle interfere in the Jericho match.

 

In short, Austin wasn’t the kind of guy who always overcame impossible odds. When he was against something that no one could overcome, he lost, only to get the title back a few weeks or months later. The key to that is Austin wasn’t Superman, but rather a man like any other. He had limits and weaknesses which could cause him to lose for awhile, but he could always fight another day. That’s something that people have to do all the time, and again it allows people to identify with Austin.

 

I could go on for pages and pages about various other great characters and how fans can identify with them, but you get the point. Now let’s take a look at the other end of the spectrum and how characters can be very basic characters with either no room to grow or no real target audience whatsoever.

 

Looking back at the early to mid-90s, a very bad time for the WWF, we see guys like Friar Ferguson (wrestling friar), T. L. Hopper (wrestling plumber), Rad Radford (grunge musician), Duke Droese (wrestling garbageman), Damien Demento (weird guy) and the Goon (wrestling hockey player). All of these guys have one thing in common (well one major thing in common): There’s nothing to them.

 

Think about it. What is there about any of those guys that makes them good or bad? What is good or evil about a plumber? What kind of storylines can a plumber get into? Why would I cheer or boo a plumber? There’s no thought or depth to this character and he has nowhere to go with anything. It’s a one note character and due to how weak he is, Hopper didn’t last long at all. That could be said with any of these guys, talent levels aside.

 

Now let’s get to the meat of what I want to talk about with the characters not fitting. There are two primary modern examples of this, one of which is HHH/Lesnar which we’ll get to in a bit. First of all though, let’s jump back to the year 2011 when Dolph Ziggler held the United States Title. At this same point, Zack Ryder was becoming very popular due to his online show, Z! True Long Island Story.

 

On the show, Ryder began to fall for WWE Diva Eve Torres, while at the same time starting a petition to get himself a US Title shot. The fans got behind Ryder, even to the point of cheering for him while the Rock was standing in the middle of Madison Square Garden after Survivor Series had went off the air. People wanted Zack Ryder and he was all of a sudden the hottest guy in wrestling.

 

A month later, Ryder got his US Title shot at TLC and won the championship to blow the roof off the building. The fans had gotten what they wanted and their hero had delivered what he promised them he would do if just given the chance. Around the same time, Eve started noticing Zack, meaning that Ryder was getting the cherry on top of the US Title. Life was perfect for Ryder, at least for now.

 

Soon after this, Kane started targeting Ryder’s friend John Cena. Cena came back at Kane, so Kane went after Ryder and Eve. One night Kane destroyed Ryder and went after Eve, only to have Cena make the save. Eve, in gratitude, kissed Cena as Ryder watched from the side, disgusted with his friend for betraying him like he had. Soon after this, Ryder lost the US Title and Cena didn’t really seem to care. A month or two later, Eve turned on Ryder, costing him his match at Wrestlemania. Ryder has been right back where he was before his web show ever since.

 

Now let’s break this scenario down. At this point, WWE’s target audience was younger people, ranging from children to teenagers. The two main guys in this story are Zack Ryder and John Cena. Look at those two. Ryder is a glorified geek who was in WAY over his head but got his one shot at glory and won the big one. At the same time, he was head over heels for a woman way out of his league and seemingly got her too. On the other hand you have John Cena. Cena was a mainstream celebrity, looked like he was carved out of stone, handsome, one of the biggest stars ever, and the epitome of the top dog.

 

Who do you think most people are going to relate to? Back in middle school or high school, how many people saw some guy or girl that they were completely taken by? They would saw off their own leg for a smile from the other person, but the person they wanted had no idea they were alive. The guy or girl you wanted was off with either a gorgeous cheerleader or a starting running back and wouldn’t know your name if their life depended on it. How many of you were like that when you were say, fifteen?

 

At the end of the day, the vast majority of people are like Ryder: awkward, not popular, a face in the crowd and have no chance to get the one that they want. Yet in this story, it’s Cena who is the hero. Cena, the star football player or head cheerleader, is the one that gets the gorgeous girl and gets to slay the giant, rather than Ryder who looks like the loser he’s always been made out to be. In this story, the dream that the common man has was crushed and given to the one who has it all, and we’re supposed to cheer him for it. I’m sure there are people out there who can more than identify with Cena, but they’re in the minority.

 

To better illustrate how backwards this was, let’s take a look at my all time favorite moment: Mankind wins his first WWF Championship. It’s the same basic idea: Mankind is the outcast who had few friends and was labeled a freak, while Rock was the star athlete who has been bred for success from the day he was born. Again, how many people were basically outcasts in high school and how many people were the top athlete that wound up playing pro football?

 

On January 4, 1999, Mankind won the title and Michael Cole sums up the entire feud perfectly: “Mick Foley has achieved his dream and the dream of everyone else who has been told you can’t do it.” That’s the entire story in a nutshell: this was the moment for fans who hadn’t even been the best and on top of the world. They could identify with wanting Foley to achieve his dream and on that night, that’s exactly what they got.

 

Now for the difference between Ryder and Foley (oddly enough both from Long Island and they both beat guys from south Florida to win their titles): while Foley lost his title less than a month later, Foley never was treated like an underling again. From that moment on, he was a bonafide main event star and had risen up the card after winning a major match. Ryder never ascended at all and was back where he started from a few months later. The fans had put their faith in Foley and he had carried them to a higher level.

 

This FINALLY brings me back to the HHH vs. Lesnar story. There are two major problems with it, aside from the matches being nowhere near good enough to warrant this kind of a feud. First and foremost, who is this supposed to appeal to? I know HHH was pretty popular, but there isn’t much of a fanbase that fits into the “13 time world champion who married into the family that owns the company by marrying the boss’ gorgeous daughter which has put me in position to run a billion dollar company for the next thirty years while getting to beat up former UFC Heavyweight Champions” category.

 

That’s my big problem with this. The only person that seems to gain anything from this feud is HHH. This also ties into my second problem: it’s a HHH feud. This story has nothing at all to do with Brock Lesnar, who is a once in a generation talent. Think back with me to Extreme Rules 2012 and Lesnar’s match with John Cena.

 

Coming into the match, Cena had just gotten done facing The Rock at Wrestlemania 28 in one of the biggest matches of all time. Cena had dominated the company to the point that WWE had to bring the Rock back to give Cena a legitimate challenge. Once that was gone, they had to bring in the former UFC Heavyweight Champion of the World to make Cena break a sweat. Lesnar MAULED Cena on Raw and at the PPV, taking Cena down with ease and laughing about it at the time.

 

Look back at that match. The fans start cheering for Cena because they know he’s in the fight of his life. It isn’t because they love Cena per se. It’s because they want to see the underdog somehow pull off the miracle and beat someone he’s in WAY over his head against. Compare this to HHH, who has basically only lost to Lesnar because he’s gotten caught in a hold or Lesnar’s manager has cheated, not because Lesnar is a force that can’t be stopped. It’s hard to buy that John Cena gets run over by Lesnar like a train but HHH can stand and fight Brock toe to toe.

 

Finally, as I said HHH vs. Lesnar is a HHH story and there’s not a huge fanbase that can get into that. Think back to the night that Lesnar destroyed HHH’s office. None of that stuff was personal to HHH. It was furniture and electronics that was paid for by the company. It shows how he isn’t a common man but rather a corporate guy who can fight. For a company that is supposed to be targeting kids, it’s kind of hard to accept them getting upset over a bunch of furniture being destroyed.

 

On top of THAT, Brock Lesnar is just a warm body in this feud. Think about it like this: you could put ANY monster heel in this feud and it would be the same story. You could have Big Show, Mark Henry, a heel Sheamus, or any other big strong guy you wanted to have in Brock’s role and the story would be the same, because the story is about HHH. When Lesnar fought Cena, ONLY Brock Lesnar could fit in that role because ONLY Brock Lesnar was a force that Cena had never faced before. In short, both characters have to fit the story. Dusty Rhodes’ common man character doesn’t work without a rich man in Flair to play against.

 

To wrap things up, that’s why I don’t like HHH vs. Lesnar: it’s a Triple H story instead of a Brock story, and it’s really hard to get behind a HHH story as there isn’t a huge fanbase that can identify with him. That would be fine if their matches were blowing the doors off the place, but they’re simply not doing that. They’re good, but not nearly good enough to warrant a year long feud.

 

In general, that lack of depth can be made up for by having the audience identify with one or both of the characters, such as in all the examples I gave you. Almost no one is going to be rich like Vince, but a lot of people can identify with having a boss they want to beat up. Identifying with the audience is one of the hardest things to do in wrestling, but if you can pull it off you have (in theory) the hardest part done and the booking can take care of the rest.

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 20, 2013
Location: Sprint Center, Kansas City, Missouri
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jerry Lawler

It’s the night after Extreme Rules and we have some major developments. First and foremost, Shield has possession of the US and Tag Team Titles, giving them their first gold and making them look even more dominant than they did before. Cena vs. Ryback went to a no contest after Ryback knocked Cena through the set and neither guy could continue. Also to the shock of no one, Lesnar was made to look like he survived his match against HHH instead of destroying the Game. Tonight we should be able to find out where things are going until Payback. Let’s get to it.

We open with an ambulance driving into the arena with its sirens blaring. Inside of the ambulance is Ryback, now with a Ryback Rules vest. Ryback says that last night he had a no decision in the last man standing match which is unfair. We get a clip of Cena refusing to be placed inside an ambulance, but next time he won’t be able to do that because the rematch at Payback is an ambulance match. Ryback goes on a rant about how the fans have no self discipline and that he’ll win the title next month. This only took like three minutes which was a nice surprise.

Tonight we find out who Paul Heyman’s newest client is.

Wade Barrett/Fandango vs. The Miz/Chris Jericho

Barrett has new music and I guess is still feuding with Miz because he has to feud with someone. Jericho and Barrett start things off with the Englishman being taken down by a dropkick. Chris charges into an elbow to the face and it’s off to Fandango with a clothesline. As Jericho fights back, we get a clip of Road Dogg talking to Kaitlyn on the WWE App. Seriously, WHY DO WE NEED TO SEE THAT? Fandango and Barrett have a small disagreement and we take a break.

Back with Miz fighting out of a chinlock before hitting a hard boot to the head. Miz loads up the figure four but Fandango grabs a mic to say his own name. There’s his music and it’s time to dance. Barrett yells at Fandango as Jericho gets rolling with a top rope shot to the head. A bulldog sets up the Lionsault for no cover. The Codebreaker takes Barrett down again and it’s off to Miz for the figure four and the submission at 8:20.

Rating: N/A. It was long enough to rate but most of that was in a commercial or spent with Fandango dancing. There’s nothing to see here (almost literally) other than Summer’s legs, but at least Barrett was beaten in just a few minutes again right? That’s the important thing at the end of the day.

Post match Jericho and Miz chase Fandango off. Jericho takes Summer’s hand and dips her back before laughing at her and walking off.

Here’s Vickie to tell us that we can vote for who Swagger faces on the WWE App: Great Khali, R-Truth or Randy Orton.

Bryan is ticked off in the back when Kane comes in. Daniel realizes that neither of them are the Tag Team Champions anymore but Kane says calm down. That’s from the guy that said embrace the hate so Bryan doesn’t care. He says he feels lost without his title, but Kane thinks it’s because Bryan isn’t wearing a shirt or pants. They get a rematch with Shield but they have to show no weakness. Bryan thinks that’s an insult to him and an argument nearly breaks out. Kofi pops in to break it up.

Sheamus vs. Titus O’Neil

Before the match, we get a clip from last night of Mark Henry saying he’s going home. They lock up to start with Sheamus shoving Titus down. A shoulder block puts Sheamus down as well though as Titus shows off some power. Sheamus throws him to the apron for the ten forearms before sending Darren Young into the barricade. The distraction lets Titus take Sheamus’ head off with a clothesline and we head back inside.

A standing fallaway slam puts Sheamus down for two and it’s off to a chinlock. Sheamus fights up and tries White Noise, only to be sent to the floor. He loads up the slingshot shoulder but Darren Young trips him up, giving Titus two. Titus misses a charge in the corner and now White Noise connects. The Brogue Kick finishes O’Neil at 6:29.

Rating: C. This is the kind of stuff they need to do more often. Instead of having Sheamus beat up one of the Rhodes Scholars for the 95^th time, you can give Titus a chance to show what he can do while not wasting someone like Cody or Damien. This way we get a fresh match which was a lot better than I was expecting.

Here’s Heyman to unveil his newest client. Heyman says that the fans are powerless with their booing because last night Brock Lesnar beat HHH inside a cage. HHH will go down in history as a loser to Lesnar so neither of them are here tonight, only it’s Lesnar enjoying the victory. However, it’s now time to do something new. This is something that is going to make the fans set their DVRs and remember this moment fifteen years from now. The newest Paul Heyman guy is Michael McGillicutty, now known as Curtis Axel.

Heyman talks about how this is the same as Brock Lesnar debuting in 2002 and CM Punk being a Paul Heyman guy. He talks about Axel being a third generation guy and being held back by politics so why isn’t he a main event superstar? His name is Curtis after his father and Axel after his grandfather, Larry the Ax Hennig. Heyman introduces him to the crowd but here’s HHH with a rebuttal.

HHH looks at Axel and Heyman while talking about the Kool-Aid that Heyman has whipped up. He tells Axel to let the adults talk and says that he isn’t embarrassed. HHH talks about going to war with Lesnar and how Brock limped away from their fight. It would make HHH really happy to beat up Paul Heyman right now but Axel steps between them. Axel says the game around here has changed and if HHH wants to talk to Heyman, he has to talk to Axel first. HHH slaps him in the face and says it’s Curtis vs. HHH later tonight.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E. Langston

Del Rio sends Langston shoulder first into the post and tries for a quick cross armbreaker, only to have Big E. lift him up and slam him down. The hold isn’t broken though and Big E. makes it to the ropes. Del Rio gets it on again from the apron but Langston lifts him up and slams him into the post in an impressive power display.

Back in and Langston bends Del Rio’s back over his knee, only to get caught in a tornado DDT. Del Rio hits the low superkick for two but is sent to the floor when loading up the armbreaker. Back in and the enziguri puts Langston down, only to have AJ throw in the bucket. The distraction lets Langston poke Alberto in the eye and hit the Big Ending for the pin at 4:37.

Rating: D+. And the stupid booking continues. Del Rio wins the #1 contenders match last night and gets pinned in less than five minutes here. How this makes me want to see Ziggler vs. Del Rio again is beyond me, but I’m sure I’m just not smart enough to get it. It’s good for Langston but there was zero need for Del Rio to lose here.

AJ Lee vs. Layla

The Bellas are watching in the back as AJ takes Layla down. Apparently AJ is a rat in stupid looking shorts. Layla kicks AJ down and makes fun of the skipping. A low dropkick puts AJ down but after AJ hides in the corner, she comes out with the Black Widow for the tap out at 1:43.

Cody Rhodes vs. Zack Ryder

This is joined in progress after a bell although it doesn’t seem like we’ve missed much. Rhodes goes after the arm to start as we see Ryback watching in the back for no apparent reason. The release suplex gets two on Ryder but Zack hits his knees in the corner and a middle rope dropkick. Ryder’s Broski Boot gets two but he gets caught by the Disaster Kick for the pin at 2:37.

Post match here’s Ryback to destroy Ryder because he can. He hits a nice powerbomb which could be a new finisher for him. Ryder gets Shell Shocked and thrown into the ambulance for good measure.

Kofi Kingston/HELL NO vs. Shield

Before the match, Shield brags about all the victories they’ve accumulated and how their new titles are proof of how amazing they are. The opening bell is after a break of course. Kofi and Dean get things going with Ambrose taking him down, only to be slapped in the face. A monkey flip and armdrag take Dean down and ew hit a quick armbar. Off to Bryan for some knee drops and a hammerlock. Tag off to Rollins who gets caught in a surfboard position, only to have Bryan stomp down on the legs.

Kane gets the tag and a near fall off the low dropkick. Back to Kofi for an armbar but Seth drives him into the corner for the tag off to Reigns. He powers Kofi down in a kind of suplex for two and it’s back to Ambrose for a dropkick and the same result. The Shield keeps tagging quickly as it’s back to Rollins who drops Kofi again, only to be caught in a headscissors.

Kofi makes the hot tag to Bryan who moonsaults out of the corner and hits a running clothesline. Bryan goes up but gets crotched down, but he still manages to block a superplex by Ambrose. The missile dropkick puts Dean down for two and it’s off to the NO Lock. Ambrose gets to the rope very quickly and heads to the floor as we take a break.

Back with the tag off to Dean to continue the beating on Kofi, only for Kingston to fight out and make the tag to Bryan. Ambrose is put in the Tree of Woe and kicked in the ribs, followed by a baseball slide for good measure. Back to Rollins for a buckle bomb in the corner but Bryan is out at two again. Reigns comes back in and runs over Bryan with a clothesline before it’s back to Ambrose for some stomps to the ribs. Dean talks a lot of trash to Bryan but gets punched in the face for his efforts.

Reigns breaks up a tag attempt, only to be kicked away, allowing for the hot tag to Kane. The side slam gets two on Roman as everything breaks down. Kofi and Bryan hit stereo suicide dives on Dean and Seth before Kane hits a running DDT for tow on Reigns. Ambrose suplexes Bryan down on the floor and Seth puts Kofi into the post. Dean tries to jump on Kane but gets caught by an uppercut. Seth breaks up the chokeslam on Reigns with the top rope knee, allowing Roman to spear Kane down for the pin at 22:55.

Rating: B. Good long tag match here which did exactly what it was supposed to do: keep the Shield looking strong heading into the rematches. Seeing them with the gold around them is a great sight as it shows even more how dominant they are. The fact that champions are actually winning is a good sign as well.

We recap the HHH/Axel/Heyman stuff from earlier.

Kaitlyn gets a phone number from the secret admirer but there’s no voicemail on it. Natalya offers to have Khali go sneak around but Kaitlyn says no. Cody walks by with a phone and Natalya steals it, thinking he’s the admirer. Apparently it’s not him as he’s posting pictures of himself on the internet. Didn’t we already eliminate Cody recently?

HHH says he can compete tonight despite the doctor saying he can’t.

Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton

Lawler announces the result and Orton wins with only 72% of the vote. I was expecting a lot higher. Swagger quickly takes him to the mat with a top wristlock but Orton fights up and dropkicks him out to the floor. A clothesline keeps Swagger down and Orton pounds away at his head back inside. Jack fires back with some shoulders in the corner but Randy kicks him in the robs and hits a Thesz Press.

Swagger takes the knee out with a chop block and hits a DDT on the leg before putting on a standing leg lock. Orton fights up and sends Swagger out to the floor, only to have the Elevated DDT broke up with a drive into the barricade. Back in and it’s the same leg lock, only to have Orton punch his way out. He heads up top but gets shoved to the floor as we take a break. Back with Orton escaping the leg lock again and sending a charging Swagger shoulder first into the post.

Orton superplexes Swagger down for two and blocks the Vader Bomb with a kick to the ribs. The powerslam sets up the Elevated DDT, but Jack escapes and hits a high angle belly to belly for two. There’s the Patriot Lock but Orton easily rolls out and hits the backbreaker for two. Now the Elevated DDT connects but the RKO is countered into the Patriot Lock. Orton finally breaks the hold and hits the RKO for the pin at 16:12.

Rating: C+. This got better towards the end but it was more long than good. The problem at the end of the day is Orton isn’t tapping out to the ankle lock so we were just waiting for him to hit the RKO to end this. It’s a decent match, but man alive they could have cut five minutes out of this with ease.

We look at Ryback’s promo earlier in the night, as well as him throwing Ryder in the ambulance.

Curtis Axel vs. Triple H

Feeling out process to start with HHH shoving Axel into the corner and clotheslining him down. HHH throws him to the floor and Curtis is looking like a jobber so far. Back in and Axel gets in some shots in the corner, stomping the Game down. A dropkick gets one on HHH and an elbow to the face keeps HHH down. Curtis is working on the jaw that was hit by the sledgehammer last night. A middle rope elbow gets two and we hit the chinlock. HHH fights up and hits some shoulder blocks in the corner to take over.

The facebuster sets up the spinebuster but instead of the Pedigree, HHH clotheslines him to the floor. Another clothesline puts Curtis down and HHH throws him back in….before not getting back in himself. HHH shakes his head and sits down at the timekeeper’s table, saying that he needs water. Earlier tonight the doctors told him he couldn’t compete because of what happened last night. HHH tries to get up but the doctor comes out and says the match is over at roughly 7:30.

Rating: D+. Erg. Yet again, it’s all about HHH. It couldn’t be something that Axel did to him, but rather HHH overdoing it because THAT’S WHAT HE DOES. Axel looked like a complete afterthought here other than some decent stuff in the beginning. At least HHH didn’t crush him. That’s something…..right?

Overall Rating: C+. There was some good stuff on here including a very good six man tag. However, a lot of the stuff made you want to ram your head into a wall as you wonder what WWE is possibly thinking. I don’t know why they can’t just have Ryback vs. Cena in a wrestling match, but hey at least we can have one of the all time lame gimmicks of the ambulance match.

For fun tonight, I clocked the amount of time spent on recaps and commercials, not counting stuff done during the actual show (such as WWE App nonsense). In total, over a full hour was spent hyping something or recapping stuff from earlier in the show. I understand the commercials, but do we really need to spend almost ten minutes watching stuff we already saw? Good stuff for the most part but there was too much bad mixed in bringing it down.

Results

Chris Jericho/The Miz vs. Fandango/Wade Barrett – Figure four to Barrett

Sheamus b. Titus O’Neil – Brogue Kick

Big E. Langston b. Albeto Del Rio – Big Ending

AJ Lee b. Layla – Black Widow

Shield b. HELL NO/Kofi Kingston – Spear to Kane

Randy Orton b. Jack Swagger – RKO

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my book on the History of the WWE Championship from Amazon for just $5 at:

 

Is…….Michael McGillicutty, now named Curt Axel.  Oh I REALLY like this.

 

And his theme music is a remixed Mr. Perfect theme!

Since just having a wrestling match is out of the question, it’s going to bean ambulance match at Payback.  Can I go to the hospital instead of watching?

Extreme Rules 2013
Date: May 19, 2013
Location: Scottrade Center, St. Louis, Missouri
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, John Bradshaw Layfield

This is a card that has gotten a long time to build itself up, yet the top matches are still pretty weak. The main events tonight are Ryback challenging John Cena in a last man standing match and HHH facing Brock Lesnar inside a cage. The rest of the card has been built up far better than these matches and should be much more entertaining. Let’s get to it.

Pre-Show: The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes

Cody starts fast by trying to jump Miz, only to be caught in a flapjack and a backslide for one. A clothesline puts Rhodes down but a kick to the face misses Cody, allowing him to hit a quick hot shot for two. The release front suplex gets two for Rhodes and it’s off to a bodyscissors. Back up and Cody pounds away before putting on an armbar.

A rollup gets two for Rhodes and it’s back to the bodyscissors. Miz fights up and hits some kicks to the ribs and head before getting a near fall off a sunset flip. Miz escapes CrossRhodes but the figure four is broken up as well. Cody dives off the ropes and lands in the figure four for the tap out at 4:52.

Rating: D+. This was nothing special and was the same kind of match you could see on any given Raw. Miz’s problem at this point is he has no reason to be considered a face other than the announcers treat him like one. He’s just a guy out there wrestling and the same could be said of Cody. That makes for a really dull set of matches, as there’s no reason to care about either guy and the matches aren’t all that great in the first place.

The opening video focuses on the main events and how tonight is different from the other nights of the year.

Chris Jericho vs. Fandango

This is a rematch from Wrestlemania where Fandango won his debut match in a major upset. Jericho goes after him to start and pounds on Fandango’s head to send the dancer out to the floor. Chris follows him out and sends Fandango into the barricade before dancing on the announce table. Back in and Jericho stomps away at Fandango to send him back to the floor. Fandango gets back in and gets a boot up to stop a charging Jericho in the corner to take over.

After a kick to Jericho’s ribs we hit the chinlock, only to have Fandango hit him in the ribs for another near fall. A slingshot legdrop gets two for Fandango and it’s back to the chinlock. Jericho fights up and hits some shoulder blocks followed by the top rope ax handle for two. Fandango kicks out of the Walls so Jericho goes up top for a crossbody, only to have Fandango roll through for a two count.

Fandango kicks Jericho in the face to keep him down before loading up the guillotine legdrop. Chris rolls away though and hits the Lionsault for a near fall. Can that even be called a finishing move anymore? Fandango tries a sunset flip out of the corner but gets caught in the Walls of Jericho, only to grab the ropes a second later. Jericho charges into a boot in the corner and Fandango goes up, only to dive into the Codebreaker for the pin at 8:32.

Rating: C+. This was better than their match at Wrestlemania and the ending looked good. Fandango isn’t going to lose his credibility now as he won the original match, which is what WWE usually gets backwards in their booking of these characters. Good opener here and the fans are fired up now.

Sheamus says that the trucks Henry has been pulling around don’t hit back like he does. Tonight, the Celtic Warrior goes extreme.

Video from Raw of Ryback attacking Cena’s bad leg.

US Title: Kofi Kingston vs. Dean Ambrose

Kofi is defending. Rollins and Reigns walk back up into the crowd to keep this as an actual one on one match. Feeling out process to start with Kofi trying a quick Trouble in Paradise but Dean grabs the rope. A hiptoss sends Ambrose down and Kofi pounds away in the corner. Dean comes out of the corner with a clothesline and drops an elbow for one. With Kofi against the ropes, Ambrose hits a hard dropkick for a near fall. Ambrose talks trash and puts on a crossface chicken wing of all things, complete with a grapevine.

Kofi fights up and sends Ambrose face first into the buckle to escape before dropping him with a dropkick. Boom Drop connects but Ambrose backs away before Trouble in Paradise can launch. SOS gets two on Dean and Kofi goes up top, only to be crotched down and caught with a butterfly superplex for two.

Ambrose charges into a kick to the face in the corner and there’s a top rope cross body for two for the champion. Dean goes to the apron and there’s Trouble in Paradise but it knocks Ambrose to the floor. Kofi throws him back in for two but another Trouble in Paradise only hits ropes. The bulldog driver gives us a new champion at 6:45.

Rating: C+. This was exactly what it was supposed to be. Kofi was given the title to drop it to someone like Ambrose and he did that just fine. Kingston is the kind of guy who can bounce back no matter who he loses to so he’ll be just fine. This should be the first of many titles for Shield and it’s a very good sign that they’re getting gold this soon.

Shield comes out to celebrate post match but doesn’t beat Kofi down.

We look at Henry vs. Sheamus, which is built around Henry displaying his power and Sheamus outsmarting him. Tonight they’re tied together with a strap and you have to drag your opponent around the ring and touch all four corners in succession (meaning that if you get three but your opponent breaks your momentum, you have to start over again) to win.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

There are lights in each cover to keep track of who has touched which with Sheamus having green lights and Henry having red. Sheamus trips Henry down to start and Mark is already ticked off. They slug it out and Sheamus goes back to the leg to put Henry down again. Sheamus gets one corner but Henry easily pulls him to the middle of the ring to break the streak. Henry gets smart by hogtying Sheamus’ feet together, only to have Sheamus break the streak after one buckle.

Sheamus knocks him over the top and out to the floor, only to have Sheamus get on the apron and pop Henry in the face. In a smart move, Sheamus runs the apron to get three straight buckles, only to have Henry take him down with a clothesline. Back in and Henry puts Sheamus on his shoulder before walking around to the corners. Sheamus is touching them as he goes along though and it’s 3-3. Henry catches on though and headbutts Sheamus down, breaking both streaks. Sheamus comes back with forearms to the face and drops a bunch of knees to slow Henry down.

We finally get to what we wanted to see: Sheamus whipping Henry with the strap. A beaten down Henry has trouble stopping Sheamus from getting to the first three buckles but Sheamus charges into a spinebuster to break his momentum. Back to the floor with Sheamus pulling Henry into the post in a smart move. They go back inside with Sheamus getting three but getting caught in the World’s Strongest Slam. Before Henry can drop Sheamus though, the Celtic Warrior bails out and Brogue Kicks Henry down, allowing him to hit the fourth buckle at 7:58.

Rating: C-. This was pretty underwhelming given what was expected of them. The problem with these matches is the same every time: it becomes about strategy instead of the violence that the match was built up on. Strap matches are always better when the guys get to destroy each other, but that might be interesting so we better not do that here.

AJ is on the phone with Dolph when Kaitlyn comes up. Apparently AJ has said she’s too distraught to face Kaitlyn so AJ makes fun of the secret admirer. Kaitlyn calls her Looney Tunes and AJ is mad. Kaitlyn quotes Porky Pig which AJ calls appropriate and the beating is on.

Here are Colter and Swagger with Zeb complaining about the IRS and AP phone tapping scandals before ripping into the St. Louis Cardinals for having too many Latin players.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger

This is an I Quit match for the #1 contendership. Del Rio hits a fast clothesline to send Swagger to the floor. A flying knee takes Jack down on the floor and it’s already weapons time. Del Rio’s first choice is a kendo stick but Del Rio gets caught in a belly to belly to put him down. Swagger pulls the barricade covering off but Alberto sends him into the steps before Jack can do anything else.

Alberto goes after the arm as is his custom before stomping it against the steps. Back in and Swagger gets in some kendo stick shots to give Jack control. The fans want Ziggler but they get more kendo stick shots to Del Rio’s leg. Swagger ties Del Rio’s arms in the ropes and pounds away at his chest with the stick. Alberto gets his arm free and catches Swagger in the armbreaker while in the ropes, only to fall backwards onto the floor.

Jack brings in a chair but gets caught by an enziguri to put him down. Del Rio fires off his usual clotheslines and the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker followed by the low superkick. Swagger gets caught in the ropes and Del Rio pelts his back with the stick before hitting the Backstabber for good measure. The armbreaker is countered into a belly to belly suplex and the gutwrench suplex puts Del Rio down again. He still won’t quit but the no’s are getting weaker.

Another powerbomb puts Del Rio down but he grabs the armbreaker out of nowhere. Remember that rope breaks don’t count here as they mentioned on Raw. Swagger counters into the Patriot Lock but Del Rio still won’t give up. Swagger grapevines the leg but Del Rio won’t quit. Out of nowhere, Colter grabs the white towel that Ricardo was carrying and throws it in, which counts as Del Rio quitting, giving Swagger the win at 9:25.

Actually scratch that as another referee comes out and says that Colter threw it in. We look at a replay and the referee says if Del Rio can continue, the match will restart. Del Rio says let’s continue so Swagger goes after the leg again. Alberto fires off a superkick to the arm and puts on the armbreaker but Swagger won’t say it. Scratch that as he does quit at 13:50.

Rating: C. Well that helped absolutely no one at all. I’m not sure what in the world the point of the false finish was given that it was resolved in literally two minutes. Swagger taps out to Del Rio again which continues to make him look worthless in this persona. I’m guessing this allows them to do the threeway anyway, making this match pretty much pointless all around.

Ryback says all Cena has left are words, but Cena is a liar. Tonight Ryback Rules and he wins the title.

Tag Titles: Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins vs. HELL NO

This is Texas Tornado rules, meaning all four men are in the ring at the same time. The fact that there were some deaths a few days ago due to tornadoes in Texas makes this bad timing for this gimmick. Kane and Bryan are defending. It’s a big brawl to start as you would expect with the champions taking over. Bryan puts Rollins in the surfboard and Kane adds in a low dropkick for two.

Kane gets double teamed down in the corner and then Bryan gets the same treatment. Reigns loads up a powerbomb off the middle rope but Bryan counters into a rana to put everyone down. Kane grabs both Shield members by the throat before shoving them to the floor, allowing Bryan to hit the suicide dive to take both guys out. The champions take turn hitting clotheslines on both guys in the corners before Kane hits the top rope clothesline on Rollins, allowing Bryan to hit the Flying Goat for two.

Bryan gets the NO Lock on Reigns but Rollins finally makes the save. A chokeslam puts Rollins down but Roman catches Kane with the spear. Back up and Reigns shoves Kane into Bryan, only to get caught around the throat. Seth comes in off the top with a knee to Kane’s head, allowing Reigns to hit a second spear. Bryan makes the save but can’t get the NO Lock on Reigns. Rollins makes the save so Reigns can put Bryan in a torture rack. Seth comes off the top with a knee to the chest, good for the pin and the titles at 7:24.

Rating: C+. Again this was ok but nothing great. They could have used another five to ten minutes here but for some reason they’re flying through these matches tonight. Shield winning was the only logical conclusion as there was nothing left for Bryan/Kane to do with the belts at this point. Decent but not great here.

We look at the pre-show match.

There’s going to be a post show with Mick Foley, Wade Barrett, Titus O’Neil and Renee Young.

Big Show vs. Randy Orton

This is an Extreme Rules match, meaning anything goes. Orton agreed to trust Big Show at Wrestlemania but annoyed Big Show by taking the tag himself, causing Show to knock Orton out. Orton gets a big reaction as the hometown boy. Show shrugs off an early flurry by Orton before running Randy down with a big shoulder. JBL incorrectly says that Orton’s dad was in the main event of the first Wrestlemania. He was at ringside but not in the match.

We head to the floor with Orton getting in some kendo stick shots, only to have Show take the stick away and break it over his knee. Orton pulls out another stick but Show breaks that one as well. Show puts Orton up against the announce table for a LOUD chop, only to be rammed face first into the post to give Orton a breather. It’s ladder time but Show slams it off Orton’s head to put Randy down again.

Back inside and Orton’s shoulder hits the post but Randy comes back with a dropkick. Orton pounds away in the corner but Show easily picks him up and slams him down for two. Show throws the ladder inside and gets a few chairs for good measure. He sets up the chairs in the corner and bridges the ladder across them like a mini platform. Show lays Orton on the ladder but misses a Vader Bomb and crushes the ladder, giving Orton two.

The Elevated DDT connects and Orton goes into his place. The fans get all fired up and there’s the RKO but Big Show kicks out at two. That’s one of the few finishers that has been protected over the years so it had to be kicked out of eventually, as in WWE finishers mean nothing anymore.

Orton gets another chair and cracks Show in the back with it over and over again. They head back inside for a shot to the chest, but Big Show hits a spear to put Orton down. Not that it matters though as Orton kicks him in the face and hits an RKO on the chair. Instead of covering though, Orton shakes his head and has a freaky smile on his face. The Punt makes its return and that’s enough for the pin at 13:05.

Rating: B-. This was the match of the night so far but even still it wasn’t all that great. The Punt was a nice addition but I’m rather surprised that they would allow it given what happened to Ziggler recently. Still though, not bad here and Orton winning was the right move for the hometown crowd.

We recap Cena vs. Ryback. At Wrestlemania, Cena won the title while Ryback lost to Mark Henry. The next night Ryback turned on Cena due to Cena constantly leaving him to be beaten down by Shield. Cena injured his ankle on a European tour so tonight it’s a last man standing match, playing to Ryback’s advantage.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. Ryback

Last man standing, which means you have to keep your opponent down for a ten count to win. Also Cena is defending if that wasn’t clear. Ryback shoves Cena down to start and the fans chant Goldberg at the challenger. Cena’s ankle is strong enough to survive a leapfrog and there’s a bulldog to take Ryback down. After Ryback hits some shoulders in the corner, he catches Cena diving off the middle rope in a powerslam for a six count. A gorilla press puts Cena down for eight.

Cena pulls himself to his feet and then pulls the top rope down, sending Ryback out to the floor. With Ryback up at six, John slides a table into the ring. Ryback escapes the AA though and hits his over the shoulder Stunner for an eight count. The table is set up in the corner now but Cena takes Ryback down with some shoulder blocks. Ryback catches him in mid-air though and hits a fallaway slam through the table. Cena makes it up at nine and avoids a charging Ryback, sending him shoulder first into the post.

The ProtoBomb sets up the Shuffle but Ryback again counters the AA. A weak spear puts Cena down but Cena pops back up and hits a powerbomb of all things for an eight. Back up and Cena puts him in a kind of choke hold, only to be countered into a spinebuster. That and the Meathook are enough for a seven but Cena grabs the STF out of nowhere. Ryback is out but Cena is pulling in another table just in case. He’s up at eight and Ryback is all fired up.

Ryback loads up the Shell Shock but Cena escapes and hits the AA through the table to put both guys down. Both guys get up at nine and Cena goes up, only to get caught in a Shell Shock. Cena gets up at nine and they head to the floor where Cena plows Ryback through the barricade but only for a nine. They head into the crowd where Ryback rips up what looks like a hockey board and knocks Cena senseless with it. It’s still not enough though and Cena puts on a sleeper.

After choking Ryback for a good while the monster stays down for nine. Cena puts Ryback on a conveniently placed table and dives off a balcony with a splash through said table. Ryback is again up at nine so Cena sprays him with a fire extinguisher. They head up to the stage with Cena hosing Ryback down again and again before hitting Ryback in the face with the fire extinguisher.

Ryback again gets up at eight but the AA is countered, allowing Ryback to drive Cena through a the set (as in through the electrical light grid and off camera). Both guys are out behind the set with a bunch of glass under them. The referee asks for medics and Cena is out cold as Ryback is helped to his feet. Shouldn’t that count as Cena not being up and Ryback winning? The match is thrown out at about 24:00.

Rating: B. That’s a pretty cheap (yet good looking) ending as Cena couldn’t keep Ryback down and now we’re going to get a rematch at Payback. It was certainly entertaining though, which is mostly because of how much more time it got than any other match. That’s the problem with a lot of the matches tonight: they’ve been WAY too short.

Ad for Payback in four weeks.

We recap HHH vs. Lesnar. They’ve been feuding for a year at this point, trading wins at Summerslam and Wrestlemania. Lesnar then trashed HHH’s office and tonight is the rubber match.

The cage has a new design and is higher than the usual one.

Brock Lesnar vs. HHH

You can win by pin, submission or escape. HHH jumps Lesnar in the aisle and rams him into the cage before HHH’s entrance music even starts. They get inside the cage with Brock in big trouble early on. A spinebuster puts Lesnar down as JBL goes through Brock’s MMA history. Brock counters the Pedigree with a backdrop into the cage before ramming the Game’s head into the steel. HHH is thrown into the cage and Brock is already in full control.

The Game sends him into the cage but Brock just smiles and rams him right back into the steel. Brock misses a flying knee into the cage and shouts to Heyman that his knee is hurt. HHH goes up top but Brock is there to meet him. Lesnar is shoved back down though and the knee is hurt again. The facebuster puts Brock down again as HHH is calling some loud spots tonight.

Brock counters the Pedigree attempt into the Kimura but HHH goes back to the knee to escape the hold. A big clothesline puts HHH down and Brock wants the door opened, but a chop block by HHH puts him down again. Now HHH goes for the door but Heyman slams the door on his head. An F5 gets two and Brock tells Heyman to get him a chair. Lesnar hits Trips with the chair but Brock’s knee is too hurt to keep going. Another F5 attempt fails as the knee gives out.

Now HHH gets the chair and beats on Brock’s knee to send Lesnar into the corner in a heap. A quick Kimura attempt gets Lesnar nowhere and it’s Figure Four time. The ropes mean nothing (Heyman: “BREAK THE FRIGGIN HOLD!”) so Brock has to turn the hold over to escape. With HHH down, Brock tries to climb over the top but HHH gets a chair shot to the bad leg to bring him down. HHH has a big dumb grin on his face and climbs to the top where he pulls out a camouflaged sledgehammer.

Brock gets the hammer away but HHH takes him down and puts on a Sharpshooter of all things. I don’t think I’ve ever seen HHH use that. It’s clear that HHH doesn’t have a lot of experience with the hold as it’s a pretty ugly version. Heyman comes into the ring and gets caught in a Pedigree, but there’s one for Brock as well. That only gets two so HHH gets the hammer, only to have Heyman hit him low. A sledgehammer shot to the face puts the Game down but Brock doesn’t cover. Brock hits a one legged F5 for the pin at 20:10.

Rating: B. Not bad and probably their best match yet, but at the end of the day we’re celebrating the fact that HHH didn’t put himself over Brock Lesnar in a cage. The fact that we’re a year into this feud (with no guarantee that it’s over) and HHH almost beat him in what should be Brock’s signature match is a sad reality. Good match but it didn’t need to exist.

Overall Rating: C+. This is a hard one to grade. On one hand, it’s certainly not awful and there are some solid matches on the card. However, most of the matches felt like afterthoughts to the main events which were matches that weren’t all that interesting coming in. The main events are good examples of good matches that don’t make up for the lame buildup to them. At the end of the day, people weren’t that interested in either of the matches but the payoffs were both good. Decent enough show but it could have been WAY better.

Results

Chris Jericho b. Fandango – Codebreaker

Dean Ambrose b. Kofi Kingston – Bulldog Driver

Sheamus b. Mark Henry – Sheamus touched all four corners

Alberto Del Rio b. Jack Swagger – Cross Armbreaker

Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins b. HELL NO – Torture Rack/Top Rope Knee Drop Combination to Bryan

Randy Orton b. Big Show – Punt

Ryback vs. John Cena went to a no contest

Brock Lesnar b. HHH – F5

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my book on the History of the WWE Championship from Amazon for just $5 at:

 

If you don’t…You should because they won both title matches tonight.

This is some detailed stuff that someone from the forums sent me.  Check it out.  Sorry that I can’t get the image loaded into here.

 

 

http://nwawrestle.weebly.com/uploads/1/8/0/9/1809845/nwachart.pdf

WWA: The Retribution
Date: February 9, 2003 (Taped December 6, 2002)
Location: Scottish Exhibition and Conference Center, Glasgow, Scotland
Attendance: 3,000
Commentators: Jeremy Borash, Disco Inferno

Amazingly enough this company has made it through a year plus and are touring Europe as of this show. The main event is Luger vs. Sting for the vacant WWA World Title. Scott Steiner had won the title, only to sign with WWE. This resulted in the legendarily terrible Steiner vs. HHH matches, so the main event here has to be better. Like literally it’s not possible for a match to be worse. Let’s get to it.

We open with Australian guy named Andrew (from the other shows. I think he’s the owner) getting a phone call, saying that someone will be here. Mike Sanders is in his office and apparently he’ll be commissioner tonight.

Since we’re in Scotland, some bagpipe players come out of a castle set.

Borash brings out Disco Inferno to a lot of booing. I don’t know why or how he stayed in wrestling so long, but dang if he didn’t keep a job forever.

Kazarian vs. Shark Boy

TNA is around at this point but it’s still in its very early days, so there’s a chance these guys have both been there. It’s a smart move to have guys like these open the show as they should be able to fire up the crowd. Kaz looks almost identical to how he does ten years later, just with longer hair here. The lighting has a blue tint to it here and it sounds like the audio is coming through like normal commentaries do instead of through the arena speakers.

Disco gets the comedy going fast by suggesting that Shark Boy was conceived on the set of Jaws and may be the son of Richard Dreyfuss. Kaz is the heel here and gets caught by an early hiptoss and some chops in the corner. Sharky sends him to the floor and gets caught by a plancha. Kaz is pulled back in but sends Shark Boy into the middle buckle to take over. An atomic drop puts Kaz down and Sharky bites him on the trunks for good measure. The referee gets one too and the fans are way into Shark Boy.

Kaz comes back with a quick leg lariat to take over before getting two off a snap belly to belly suplex. We hit a quick chinlock but Sharky fights up, only to be backdropped out to the floor. Back in and a leg sweep takes Shark Boy down for two but Kaz misses a guillotine legdrop to give us a breather. Shark Boy comes back with right hands and a one knee Codebreaker for two.

Kaz has his head pounded in the corner and there’s a bite by Sharky for good measure. A top rope rana brings Kaz down for two but a SWEET bicycle kick takes Shark Boy down again. Kaz, still “The Future” at this point, hits Back to the Future (a bridging electric chair drop) for two, only to have Shark Boy take him to the corner for the Dead Sea Drop (dragon sleeper flipped over into a Stunner, more commonly known as Diamond Dust) and the pin.

Rating: C. This was fine and the perfect kind of match to open a show like this. You take two fast paced guys and let them go out there for six minutes of high spots. It’s nothing great but it didn’t need to be. These are two young guys getting a shot and they did a good enough job with it so it’s a good start here.

Time for the traditional commissioner promo after the opening match, this time from Mike Sanders. He immediately calls Disco a jackass before playing to the crowd a bit. Some music randomly plays in what seems to be a technical issue. Sanders seems to be a face here despite being a heel for most of his career. He runs down the rest of the card before being interrupted by Joe E. Legend. For those of you unfamiliar, Legend is a journeyman who once lost clean to the Brooklyn Brawler on a WWF weekend show in 2001. Let that sink in for a bit.

Anyway Legend runs down the crowd with some very lame insults before talking about being the best this business has to offer. Legend talks about being the best this business has to offer and lists off some names he’s beaten such as Buff Bagwell, Luger, Sabu and Sting. I’d love to see any of those matches. He does get in a good line of “heroes come and go but legends live forever.” They trade gay jokes until Sanders flips him off. A match is made between the two of them for later tonight.

Konnan vs. Nate Webb

Some of you might know Webb from CZW. His nickname is Spyder and he looks like Vampiro. Perry Saturn jumps him as he comes in for no apparent reason before hitting a quick powerbomb, a Death Valley Driver and the Rings of Saturn. Webb is dead so the bell rings and Konnan pins him in three seconds.

Konnan jumps in on commentary and talks about how tiring that was. That’s not funny.

One of the midgets comes in to see Midajah and asks her to be his valet tonight. Puppet, the hardcore midget, comes in and says she’s his valet. Sanders comes in and makes Willy Wonka jokes. Midajah is made a referee for later. Eh her dress is low cut enough to make up for this.

Johnny Swinger/Buff Bagwell vs. Norman Smiley/Malice

Smiley comes out alone and gets jumped by the heels. Malice is more famous as The Wall from the dying days of WCW and was the initial monster heel of TNA. He and Smiley clear the ring and it’s already time to stall. Bagwell and Malice get things going as Disco is talking about Steve Austin for some reason. Buff pounds away a bit but walks into a spinebuster and backbreaker for no cover. Off to Swinger to pound on Malice, only to be thrown down as well.

Smiley comes in for some technical stuff, but it’s time to dance! A sunset flip out of the corner gets two for Norman as Johnny is in early trouble. Bagwell trips Norman up though, allowing Swinger to hit a jawbreaker to take over. Smiley gets elbowed down and it’s off to Buff to work on the back. Off to Swinger again to pound away on Smiley in the corner as this match is already slowing down. Buff comes back in to ram Smiley into the corner as Disco talks about Buff and Mike Sanders playing squash.

Swinger gets two off a neckbreaker as we’re just waiting on the hot tag to Malice. Smiley finally gets in a forearm to Buff’s face and it’s off to Malice. The big guy cleans house and throws Bagwell to the outside. Smiley slams Swinger down and we get the Big Wiggle, which involves Swinger being spanked. A low blow sends Norman reeling and the Buff Blockbuster pins Smiley.

Rating: D+. I’ve seen worse but this was only happening to fill in about twelve minutes of the PPV time. It’s clear that they don’t have much going on with stories at this point, meaning we’re likely to get a lot of matches between people with nothing in common and no reason to fight. The match wasn’t bad but it didn’t do anything of note.

NWA World Champion Jeff Jarrett is here to get back at Nathan Jones for something not important enough to talk about.

Puppet vs. Teo

Midajah is guest referee and is there so she can wear tiny shorts and knee high boots. Teo starts with some punches in the corner but gets caught in a bulldog for two. The smaller one (Teo) stomps away in the corner and seems to have the fans actually caring for him. Puppet comes back with a release TKO for no cover. He finally puts a boot on Teo’s chest for a VERY slow two from Midajah. Teo hits a middle rope missile dropkick for no cover before going up top and hitting a Swanton for the pin.

Rating: D-. The shorts looked good and that’s about it. I mean the ones on Midajah, not the short guys in the ring. I don’t care for these kind of matches as they’re not interesting or funny and I really don’t get the appeal of them. Puppet would annoy fans in TNA for weeks as well, resulting in him pulling a gun on someone.

Post match Saturn runs in and beats both guys down before saying he had an open contract for tonight. He hits on Midajah and kisses her before dragging her to the back.

Joe E. Legend vs. Mike Sanders

Joey pounds away in the corner to start but Sanders comes back with right hands of his own. Mike is sent to the apron and comes back in with a slingshot headscissors before whipping Legend to the floor. With nothing happening on the outside we go back in for Legend to stomp Mike down in the corner. An armdrag gets three straight near falls for Legend and it’s off to a cravate. Mike clotheslines him down but Legend nips up and takes Mike’s head off with a clothesline of his own.

A high kick to Sanders’ head gets another two count so he whips Sanders hard into the corner. Legend gets another two count off a sitout powerbomb but Mike puts him down with a release German suplex. Mike makes a basic comeback with a backdrop and a kick to the chest, followed by a knee drop for two. Legend hits a kind of clothesline to set up a good looking guillotine legdrop for two. Mike comes back again with a neckbreaker for two, only to get caught in a driving knee to the back of the head (think like a Fameasser) for two more. Joey misses a moonsault and gets superkicked down for the pin.

Rating: D. There was nothing here but a bunch of spots. At the end of the day there was no story or reason for this match to happen other than Joey (has anyone ever seen him wrestle before?) insulting the Scottish people. Sanders was WAY out of his element as a face here, making the match yet another filler piece.

Post match Sanders hypes up the no rules three way dance with Simon Diamond, Sabu and Saturn.

Lex Luger, in Philadelphia 76ers gear for some reason, says that he and Sting have been friends for years (aside from Luger hiring a bunch of madmen to try to take him out back in the early 90s) but tonight they’re both going to have fun fighting for a title.

NWA World Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Nathan Jones

Jarrett is defending in case you’re very new at this. Jones is a 7ft monster but absolutely terrible in the ring. Apparently these two have traded wins recently. The referee here looks to be about 857 years old. Nathan shoves him down to start but gets punched in the corner. Jones charges into a pair of boots in the corner but grabs Jeff for a chokeslam. The champ kicks him in the leg to stop the choke, only to be caught in a spinning side slam.

A Cactus Clothesline puts both guys on the floor and Jarrett is in trouble. Jones picks up a chair which is promptly taken away from him and we go back inside. Jeff kicks the knee out again and hits the running crotch attack in 619 position. Off to a sleeper by the champ who is apparently bleeding from the eye. After that gets broken up, Jeff bails to the floor and wedges a chair between the top and middle ropes.

Jones hits a Samoan drop to free the chair and get a near fall at the same time. Back up and Nathan goes for the chokeslam, only to have Jeff throw the referee into the grip instead. For some reason Nathan doesn’t just, you know, LET GO, he throws the referee into the corner, allowing Jarrett to bash Jones with the guitar to retain.

Rating: D. It’s very clear that Jones has nothing to offer at all other than a good look. He would join the WWE soon after this and be one of the biggest busts in recorded history, being taken out of Wrestlemania due to the company thinking there was no way he could be put on live television. Nothing to see here other than a token title defense.

Sabu vs. Simon Diamond vs. Perry Saturn

This is a hardcore match because Sabu can’t wrestle anything else. Saturn is freshly released from WWE and has been out for awhile with a knee injury. Disco does the intros here for no apparent reason. Before the match, Simon complains about having to be in a hardcore match despite being a top level athlete. Saturn still has the kidnapped Midajah with him here. She’s also in a different outfit than she was earlier.

The fans immediately chant for ECW, obviously getting what the promoters were shooting for. Diamond gets double teamed to start so he bails to the floor. Saturn throws Sabu down but Sabu trips him up, leading to a slugout. Diamond comes back in when they both go down for near falls on both guys. Saturn hiptosses Sabu to the floor but gets rolled up by Simon, as this three way battle of the S’s continues.

Sabu comes back in for a triple headlock spot (usually a sleeper in ECW but I guess WWE bought that concept in the acquisition) before Diamond is sent to the floor. A spear by Saturn puts Sabu down, only for Sabu to come back with a springboard leg lariat for two. Diamond and Saturn go to the floor while Sabu sets up a chair in the ring. A BIG dive takes out everyone and we all lay down on the floor for a bit. Diamond and Saturn seem to hook up, but Sabu pelts the chair at Saturn’s head as he comes back in.

Time for Simon vs. Sabu for a bit but Saturn comes back in and rams the chair into Sabu’s throat. Midajah is still at ringside despite her captor being occupied in the ring. Saturn suplexes both guys down but doesn’t seem interested in going for a pin. Diamond is back in now to clothesline Saturn down and put Sabu in a shoulder hold on the mat. Saturn is busted open badly around his eye. With Sabu down, Simon puts on an armbar at the same time that Saturn puts on a leg lock. Simon lets go first to stop Saturn before loading up a table on the floor.

Diamond tries to suplex Sabu over the top and through the table but it’s Saturn making the save with a chair shot to the ribs. Simon falls to the floor so Saturn can pose for a bit. He poses too long though and Simon comes back in with a suplex to take Saturn down. Sabu hits Saturn with the chair and hits the Arabian Facebuster on Simon. Saturn is laid out on the table outside as Simon is ranaed off the top by Sabu. Perry comes back in with a top rope elbow drop on Simon for no cover.

Now it’s Sabu taking over with running leg lariats to both guys but Saturn breaks up the Triple Jump Moonsault. There are the Rings of Saturn on Sabu but Simon makes the save. An electric chair puts Saturn down but a clothesline puts Simon on the floor. Saturn suplexes Diamond through the table before loading up another one. Diamond is laid out on the table where Sabu dives through it and him.

Cue the freaking midgets again to beat up Saturn with kendo sticks, drawing in Midajah. She defends Saturn for absolutely no apparent reason, allowing Saturn to get two on Sabu after a Death Valley Driver. All the guys are down so the midgets strip Midajah. Saturn covers her up and walks out as Simon hits a reverse DDT for two on Sabu. The chair is pelted at a diving Diamond and it’s a Triple Jump Moonsault to Simon’s legs for the pin, FINALLY ending this.

Rating: D. WHO DECIDED TO GIVE THIS SEVENTEEN FREAKING MINUTES????? Sabu is the kind of guy who should never be given more than about eight minutes, so these knuckleheads decided to DOUBLE that? The match was the biggest collection of mostly missing spots that you’ll see this side of ECW, but it had tables in it so it’s awesome right?

Sting says he knows Luger but tonight it’s about the title. He talks about building character over the last 18 months, which has made him stronger but driven Luger nuts.

WWA World Title: Sting vs. Lex Luger

This is both guy’s debut with the promotion, so naturally they’re in a world title match. Luger picks up the ball bat but hands it to Sting as the fight begins. Sting knocks him to the floor and Luger stalls early on. Back in and Sting takes him right back to the floor with a clothesline. Since that much wrestling is too much for Luger, he grabs a mic and says if that’s how Sting wants to play, so be it.

Now Sting gets a mic and says that we’re in Scotland. This is in the middle of the match remember. He talks some trash about Luger and the fans chant something at him. Luger takes it to the floor again and Sting misses the Splash against the barricade. Back in and Sting kicks him in the leg but a top rope splash hits knees. Some weak kicks to the ribs have Sting in more trouble before they collide, allowing Sting to do his falling headbutt to the crotch spot. Sting takes over with his usual clotheslines and faceplant but the referee is caught by the Stinger Splash. Jarrett, two guitars to Sting, Luger wins the title.

Rating: F. This was a seven minute match and they cut two promos in the middle of it. Luger wrestled enough to fill a 90 second match and walks out with the world title as a result. This was to set up Sting vs. Jarrett, as Sting won the title a week later at a house show. Anyway, TERRIBLE match here and an embarrassment for both guys.

The announcers wrap things up (for five minutes) to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. When a six minute match between Shark Boy and Kazarian that is ok at best if you REALLY stretch it is the match of the night, you’ve got a major problem. This show absolutely sucked and was the longest two hours I can remember sitting through in a long time.There are no stories anywhere in sight and it’s clearly just a bunch of guys having matches because it’s a cheap payday.  Absolutely terrible stuff and thank goodness there’s only one show left.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my book on the History of the WWE Championship from Amazon for just $5 at:

Judgment Day 2008
Date: May 18, 2008
Location: Qwest Center Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska
Attendance: 11,324
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, Mick Foley, Mike Adamle, Tazz

 

Didn’t realize this but this is being reviewed three years to the day that this show happened. Always interesting I guess. Anyway I do not remember this show at all even though there are two world title matches of course. For Smackdown it’s Edge vs. Taker for the vacant title and on Raw it’s Orton vs. HHH (yeah I’m shocked too) in a cage. Shawn vs. Jericho also, which is always worth checking out. Let’s get to it.

 

Oh and of course I’ll be doing 2009 next to get done with this series. After that it’s a quick run through the three remaining ONS’s that I have and then it’s time for Armageddon.

 

Opening video is about the title matches and Shawn/Jericho of course. Oh and Cena vs. JBL. The Hell’s Gate submission is banned also. I remember that stupid story that focused way too much on Vickie.

 

John Cena vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

 

Well this isn’t what I would have picked for an opener but it’ll get a reaction I guess. JBL claims that Cena cost him the title at Backlash so here you are. Very slow start as neither guy seems like he wants to do much at all. Bradshaw grabs a headlock but Cena goes straight for the STF so JBL bails. Back in and Cena gets sent shoulder first into the post. Jibbles works on the arm and adds a neckbreaker for no cover.

 

Off to a modified key lock as this turns into something resembling a submission match. Cena rolls out of a near cross armbreaker but it doesn’t really hurt JBL so the assault continues. Cena comes up with one arm and hammers away, adding a Throwback to really take JBL down. Top rope Fameasser misses and Cena hits the apron. JBL manages to grab a suplex style move to drop Cena over the top and then out to the floor.

 

This is a painfully boring match if you’re not sure on it. We’re nearly 8 minutes into it and they’ve been moving so freaking slow the entire time. Off to a bearhug by Bradshaw but Cena turns to his side so it’s almost a German suplex position. Off to a bodyscissors with an armbar as I’m really confused here. I mean, IT’S JOHN CENA and they’ve doing a submission/very old school style match. Why in the world do they think this is a good idea?

 

Off to a full nelson which Cena can’t quite break. After we waste some time with that, here comes Cena who breaks the hold but can’t hit the FU. I miss the days when it was called that as AA makes me think of Arn Anderson. Back to the bodyscissors in case the fans started to get into this. I’m legitimately surprised by how this match has gone. Not that it’s a good thing here as I’d definitely prefer your usual Cena match to this.

 

Cena breaks the hold but walks into a big boot and it’s back to the back as JBL drops some elbows. Clothesline, but not the devilish version, puts Cena down for no cover. And never mind as JBL picks him up after that move and Cena reverses another clothesline attempt into the FU for the pin out of absolutely nowhere.

 

Rating: D. This was by far and away the worst Cena match I’ve ever seen on PPV after he made it big. I have no idea what they were doing here as it was closer to a submission match that you would see out of like Bob Backlund and Ivan Koloff or some combination like that rather than two glorified brawlers. Not much here at all and I was really disappointed with them in it.

 

King William Regal, the GM of Raw, isn’t happy.

 

The Dirt Sheet makes fun of Kane and Punk who are challenging Miz and Morrison for the Smackdown tag titles tonight despite both of them being ECW guys and the ECW commentators calling this.

 

Smackdown Tag Titles: John Morrison/The Miz vs. Kane/CM Punk

 

If I remember this right there is zero story to this match at all. Morrison has the same music and nearly the same intro as he does today. It’s so shocking to look at Miz and know what was coming for him in just a few years. Morrison beat Kane on ECW which is about the extent of the build. Punk would go to Raw in the Draft in just over a month. He’s Mr. MITB at the moment also. Oh and Kane is ECW Champion. There was a talent exchange or whatever going on with Smackdown and ECW where they could be on both shows if you’re wondering how this is possible.

 

This actually gets big match intro treatment for no apparent reason. Odd indeed. Punk and Miz start us off and it’s so weird to see these two as midcarders. Off to Kane, who is by far and away the biggest star in this match. Kane beats Morrison up with ease but can’t do the same to Miz. Wow that sounds weird in context. Punk comes in with a slingshot knee drop to Morrison for two.

 

Tarantula version of the Anaconda Vice which is rather awesome goes on. Back off to Kane who massacres Miz a bit more, including the clothesline for no cover. Morrison goes all angry on Kane, hammering away with everything he can to slow baldie down. Miz and Morrison both have a lack of finishing moves for the most part other than Morrison having some weak stuff so there isn’t much of a way that they can put Kane down.

 

Luckily for them it’s off to Punk who beats on Morrison as is his custom. Down goes Miz and a snap powerslam gets two on Morrison. Springboard clothesline gets two on Morrison who is looking awesome with these kickouts. Miz tries to grab Morrison’s leg to slow things down a lot and is chokeslamed on the floor for his efforts. That distraction though lets the Moonlight Drive (neckbreaker) end Punk mostly clean.

 

Rating: C. Not a bad match here at all but it probably should have been a TV main event more than anything else. You could certainly see Miz and Morrison growing up here as they managed to stay away from the pins which was the right thing to do. Having matches with guys like Kane and Punk was what made them get a lot better in a hurry, which is exactly why someone like Kane was on ECW. Fine little match here.

 

Rambo is sponsoring the PPV tonight for no apparent reason.

 

We recap Jericho vs. Shawn. This started at Mania when Shawn retired Flair. Batista then kind of sort of turned heel at least against Shawn, saying that Shawn had no right to retire Flair like he did. This led to a match at Backlash which Jericho refereed for no apparent reason. Actually there probably is one but I don’t remember it and I’m fighting a cold so I have no desire to look it up.

 

Shawn said he’d do whatever it took to win and in the match he escaped a Batista Bomb but hurt his knee. Jericho called shenanigans and gave Shawn an award for best actor. Shawn and Jericho fought Miz/Morrison on Raw and Shawn only managed one superkick which was enough to set up the win. Jericho bought the injury, then Shawn said he was faking. Jericho now doesn’t believe him so Shawn kicked his head off. That brings us here.

 

Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

 

Jericho is IC Champion here but it’s non-title. Shawn is closer to heel here which is rather odd to see indeed. Naturally he gets the face pop here. Well the bigger one that is as Jericho certainly gets one of his own. This is one of if not the first of many, many matches these guys had in 2008. Jericho goes after the knee as he still doesn’t buy Shawn saying it was faked.

 

Off to a headlock by Shawn as Jericho goes for the leg again. Shawn grabs an inverted figure four which JR calls a Native American Deathlock. That’s a new one I guess. Jericho gets the rope and it’s a standoff. This is Shawn vs. Jericho with fifteen minutes to work with so I wouldn’t expect a lot of jokes here. We get a card game reference by JR for no apparent reason and it’s off to fighting over an armbar.

 

Shawn gets something like a cross armbreaker over the arm which is pretty cool looking. Jericho looks weird in the full tights and short hair. The trunks were a nice touch for him. Jericho manages to send Shawn into the corner as no one can get an extended advantage at all here. To the corner and Jericho gets knocked off but gets his knees up to block the elbow from the top.

 

Jericho hammers on the ribs as we hit the abdominal stretch. See what psychology does to help you out here? Shawn avoids the bulldog as the momentum shifts again. Jericho might have had control for a minute and a half which is certainly the longest of the entire match so far. Forearm by Shawn but he gets caught in the Walls and the crowd reacts. Both guys head to the apron and Chris gets his head kicked off by Sweet Chin Music and he’s down on the floor.

 

Back in that only gets two and Shawn drops the elbow but his ribs are hurt even worse now. This has been great stuff if that wasn’t clear by the writing about it. Jericho wisely falls down instead of taking the superkick and then does it again. Crowd isn’t sure what to think of that so Shawn gets a bit closer to him and keeps tuning it up. Shawn fires it but Jericho was playing possum just like Shawn did against Batista and drills Shawn with the Codebreaker. NICE!

 

That’s only good enough for two though as the fans are way into this. See what happens when you put two of the best ever in the ring and give them time and a story? YOU GET A GREAT MATCH. Why is that so complicated? Shawn grabs a Crossface out of nowhere and Jericho somehow manages to get the rope. Shawn isn’t enough of a psycho to make that work I guess. Shawn gets draped over the top and we get even more SWEET psychology as Shawn puts his knees up for the Lionsault but Jericho lands on his feet and tries the Walls. Shawn rolls through for the surprise pin though to end it. AWESOME match.

 

Rating: A. Again, two masters with time and a story. What did you really expect to happen here? I don’t think it’s possible for these two to have a bad match and they didn’t come close to one here. This would set of the feud of the year as Jericho would get the world title in about three months and Shawn would chase it all Fall.

 

They shake hands post match and both guys are tentative because of what happened in Seattle back in 2003.

 

Mickie James doesn’t really want to talk about how date with Cena as JBL comes up. JBL bullies Grisham and talks about fighting which goes nowhere at all.

 

Raw Women’s Title: Beth Phoenix vs. Melina vs. Mickie James

 

Mickie is champion. So we’re like an hour and 10 minutes into this show and the Smackdown guys haven’t called a single thing. Gotta love the treatment of the B show. Beth and Melina argued about the title shot and we see why Beth doesn’t talk like ever. Mickie is still all bubbly and hot at this point. Not that she’s not hot now but you get this idea. THIS somehow gets big match intros. Wow indeed.

 

Melina looks extra good tonight. Beth tells Melina to get out of her ring so Melina drills her with a kick. Mickie grabs a victory roll for two on Melina and it’s one on one for awhile. Beth pulls her out and it’s challenger vs. challenger. Yeah I don’t care either but you have three hot chicks out there so how much can I complain?

 

Mickie back in now and we get some nifty triple person spots. James throws on something like a Tazmission on Beth which goes nowhere. Regal Cutter to Melina allows Mickie to go up, only to get….uh…..pussied by Melina. They speed things up a bit and Mickie gets a top rope Thesz Press to Beth followed by a HARD seated dropkick. In your HOLY CRAP spot of the night, Beth puts them both in an over the shoulder body vice for about 12 seconds. Mickie gets the jumping DDT to Melina quickly after that to retain but dude, WHO CARES? I’m still getting over that body vice move which was insanely awesome.

 

Rating: C+. Better Divas match than usual actually as all three chicks were working hard out there and the result was rather good stuff. When Melina is the ugliest chick out there you can’t really go wrong. With an awesome spot like that and a pretty good match other than that, this was one of the better Diva matches I’ve seen in awhile.

 

Batista tells Shawn that if he was faking he’ll hurt him. That would be next month I believe. We’ll get to that one soon.

 

Undertaker dominated a text message poll about who would win.

 

We recap Edge vs. Undertaker. Basically Undertaker used the Hell’s Gate and Vickie banned it. Edge got hurt and since Taker didn’t show remorse, she stripped him of it and there’s a Taker vs. Edge match for the title. There was some over the top rope challenge where you had to win a match to qualify. Batista won but Edge was allowed to come in at the very end and win. This went on for months and people got rather tired of it.

 

Smackdown World Title: Edge vs. Undertaker

 

Title is vacant remember. Edge’s pyro doesn’t go off for some reason. Oh there it is. Two entrances should not take five minutes, period. Taker tries to box to start so Edge runs off. Edge tries right hands and gets launched into the corner as Taker takes over. Off to the arm as Taker tries to take out the spear. Old School is countered. When does that ever hit anymore?

 

They fight on the floor for a bit with Edge sending him into the steps and adding a baseball slide to take over. Big boot by Taker misses in the corner which gets two for Edge. Edge works on the knee and they slug it out a bit. Edge hits a big boot to about the shoulder or so for no cover. Old School attempt by Edge gets the same result as Taker’s attempt earlier.

 

They slug it out again which of course Taker wins. Taker chokeslams him into the corner for some reason and a big boot (actually getting face) gets two. Old School #3 hits as I guess that’s high school since we had elementary and middle already. Hawkins and Ryder, the Edgeheads, come out for a distraction as Edge exposes the buckle. Better option really as you don’t want him exposing himself.

 

Spear eats post though and a buckle bomb gets two. Have to give it to Taker for busting out some nice adjustments to his regular moves here. Snake Eyes into the buckle doesn’t work so Edge hammers away in the corner but gets caught in Snake Eyes into the corner anyway. Taker likes that corner I guess. Instead of covering Taker tries to hit the ropes for something but Edge (called the Sly Fox by Cole) hits a weak spear for two.

 

They slug it out (again) with the Canadian actually winning for a bit until he walks into a chokeslam for a very long two. Out to the floor again and we go into the crowd. They slug it out on the floor and only Taker beats the count back in to win the world…..oh of course he doesn’t as here’s Vickie to say excuse me a lot. Taker doesn’t win the title because it’s a countout. They would have another match in the form of TLC next month where Taker had to “retire”.

 

Rating: B. Good match here ruined by a weak ending. Nowhere near as good as their Mania match but it was still pretty solid stuff all around. They work very well together but after all the near falls you want something better than a lame countout ending especially with something close to a Dusty Finish that takes Vickie two minutes to announce. Good match until then though.

 

Taker adds a tombstone to Edge post match because he can and leaves the title in the ring.

 

Orton says he’ll win but says it very slowly. This was another part of their never ending feud that set up Orton and Cena’s never ending feud.

 

Here’s MVP for no apparent reason. He’s upset because he’s not on the card tonight so anyone that wants to fight him can come down right now. Matt Hardy’s music comes on but he’s just the US Champion who beat MVP at Backlash so he’s not the right choice I guess. Instead it’s this guy facing him.

 

Jeff Hardy vs. MVP

 

Far bigger pop for Jeff than Matt which doesn’t mean anything really. Foley isn’t sure who to cheer for because MVP is Smackdown (Jeff is Raw) but he doesn’t want to cheer for a jerk. Jeff sends him to the floor early as we hear about his house burning down which was legit actually. Back in the ring and MVP takes it to the mat. Jeff tries the slingshot dropkick to the floor but gets slammed to the floor instead.

 

Back in and we hit the armbar again as Jeff looks more annoyed than in pain. Hammerlock slam gets two. Jeff fires back but tries a move out of the corner, only for the arm to go out and give MVP the advantage all over again. Drive By boot to the head/arm of Jeff sends him to the floor as this has been almost all MVP at this point.

 

Jeff goes shoulder first into the barricade which gets two back in the ring. MVP is channeling his inner Anderson (Arn, not Mr. you uncultured swine) with all of this arm work. Playmaker can’t hit and Jeff gets a shot in with the left arm so both guys are down. Slingshot dropkick in the corner hits for Jeff but he can’t hit the Swanton. Whisper in the Wind out of nowhere gets a pin. I like that ending I think.

 

Rating: C+. This was a bonus match and wasn’t half bad so I really can’t complain much at all. Jeff would be world champion by the end of the year so this was really just a quick stop for him. Anyway, fine for what it was with both guys having a decent enough match for a bonus match that was there to fill in time.

 

Sylvester Stallone talks about directing Rambo.

 

The cage is lowered.

 

We go to the recap which is introduced by JR who sounds all slurred for some reason. HHH won an elimination match at Backlash to win the title and this is the rematch. Somehow this would go on for like a year with them in the main event of Mania 25.

 

Raw World Title: Randy Orton vs. HHH

 

In a cage as previously mentioned. Again the entrances take a combined five minutes. This also gets big match intros. It doesn’t really have the same ring to it after the Divas got this treatment. Orton goes for the door almost immediately but of course that doesn’t work. Somehow he manages to slam the door on the Game’s head to take over in the early going.

 

Basic stuff to start as both guys hammer on each other with nothing of note happening. Neckbreaker by HHH gets two as do a bunch of right hands. He gets sent into the cage and Orton gets all googly eyed. Into the cage again and Orton kicks away rather hard. This wasn’t from the side though so it won’t put HHH out for months on end. Elevated DDT hits for two.

 

Off to a quick chinlock before Orton hits a powerslam for two. This is Orton’s usual very slow paced match which doesn’t make anything interesting in the slightest. The fans want an RKO despite Orton allegedly being all evil and crazy and all that jazz. Regal is still looking on as sometime around this time it was when he cut Raw off the air early which was rather cool indeed.

 

Orton stomps away to really vary up his offense but a kneedrop misses. Off to the knee goes HHH now as I channel my bad Yoda impersonation. Figure Four goes on for a good while but Orton makes the rope. Even Lawler is like dude, that doesn’t mean anything in this but the referee breaks it anyway. Quick RKO attempt is countered into a Pedigree attempt which is countered by a backdrop by Orton.

 

Randy goes for the door but HHH makes a diving save. Orton somehow finds a chair on the floor and pulls it back in with him. That was done in the cage match with Flair and HHH at Taboo Tuesday also. Facebuster gets two as Orton can’t get a chair shot in yet. HHH gets the chair so Orton hits HHH in the game pieces to bring him back down. DDT on the chair somehow only gets two because after a DDT on a chair, Orton clearly can’t walk through a door right?

 

RKO onto the chair is blocked and it’s a Raven-esque drop toehold onto the chair to buy HHH some time as well as a two count. Orton takes over again and climbs but HHH is like screw that and they fight on the top rope. Down goes Viper boy so HHH climbs. Orton pops up to catch him as he’s on the top and the fight continues. Orton knocks him down and tries to climb over but HHH is like “Dude I’ve only held the title three weeks. Over my dead body” and pulls him back in.

 

HHH channels his inner Punk and tries a Pepsi Plunge (top/middle rope Pedigree) but that would be too big of a spot for him so Orton slams him to the mat. They fight on top some more as they haven’t done that enough in the last five minutes but Orton winds up getting crotched. Spinebuster puts Orton down again and it’s time for a Pedigree on the chair. That gets countered also and it’s time for a Punt. HHH isn’t feeling that though so he ducks, hits a chair shot and then the Pedigree ends this.

 

Rating: B-. Not bad here as they had some close calls and some decent stuff in about 22 minutes. As always they can’t have a classic so this is about as good as it gets for these two. HHH wasn’t a lock to win which helps it out a lot. Cage matches are hard to make believable but they came somewhat close here. Not bad at all for the main event of a b-level show.

 

Overall Rating: B. All things considered, this was rather good. You have a great match with Jericho vs. Shawn and the worst match is the opener, which oddly enough had Cena in it. I still don’t get that one. Anyway, this was a very good show overall which might have had to do with the total lack of anything resembling expectations for it. 2008 was a bad year for WWE as was 2009, which is what’s up next as we wrap up Judgment Day.

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my book on the History of the WWE Championship from Amazon for just $5 at:

 

Dang it’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these.We’ll start with the pre-show match.  There’s almost no way that Miz loses here due to one reason: Cody Rhodes doesn’t win matches.  Seriously that’s all there is to it.

Cena to retain the title, but the feud continues next month.  It’s one of Cena’s signature matches and this should be a good brawl, but Cena keeps the belt.  This feud has been built up pretty horribly as Ryback has stopped doing everything that got him over in the first place.  Yeah he’s a heel now, but we can’t have him run over people as a heel.  That might make him interesting and seem like he’s someone that is a serious threat to Cena.  Lesnar tried that last year and he got stuck in the feud with HHH.

Del Rio over Swagger as we’re not going to see a heel vs. heel title match.  The fact that we’ve seen Del Rio make Swagger tap about five times now doesn’t help either.

The cage match is probably the hardest one to pick.  On one hand, HHH winning makes sense as the hero is supposed to beat the monster in the end.  On the other hand, it’s Brock Lesnar in a cage.  I know HHH has a huge ego, but I don’t think they’re going to let him beat Lesnar in a match like this.  The ads for the show have built it up as winning by escape, which makes me think it’s like Snuka vs. Muraco back in 83: HHH gets destroyed but Lesnar does something stupid and HHH escapes.  That would make Lesnar look stupid and incompetent, so it sounds perfect.

In what sounds like the best match of the night, I’ll flip a coin and say Sheamus beats Henry, only to be destroyed post match.  These two know how to work a hard fought match together and the straps will make things better.  They’re pushing the idea of Henry being strong enough to move anything so there’s already a decent story there.  This is using the old theory of taking two big guys and having them beat on each other for ten minutes.  There’s nothing wrong with that and this should be rather entertaining.

As for Big Show vs. Orton, I’ll take Big Show in a gut instinct.  Orton can lose time after time and keep his crowd reaction, so we can have Big Show win here and set up a rematch later on.  Big Show wins here in another entertaining match.

I think Jericho gets his win back over Fandango here as there’s really nowhere else to go for the feud.  Fandango would be a good candidate to go after the US Title had it not been for Ambrose getting the shot.  Then again Fandango was at the top of his game about four weeks ago when they should have pulled the trigger, but this is WWE so instead they turned a quick mainstream fad into something corporate and killed it faster than a vampire at the beach.  Jericho wins here but Fandango can easily bounce back.

Speaking of the Shield, it’s their night and they all come out with gold here.  Ambrose is seemingly getting the rocket push and the US Title is a great place to start.  As for the tag belts, they’re so far overdue for a change that their engines are about to explode.  Shield should win all three belts, if nothing else to make those titles main event belts.  Shield vs. HELL NO in rematches could easily headline a house show.

 

Overall, the show looks pretty good other than the top two matches.  This card is very indicative of the problems with WWE in general at the moment: the HHH vs. Lesnar feud is dragging everything else down and Ryback isn’t helping anything either.  It also shows the problem with having gimmick matches to start a feud: there’s no need for Cena vs. Ryback to start a feud with a last man standing match.  That’s the kind of a match that ends a feud, not gets it going.  The rest of the show should be entertaining and fun though, as the talent pool is as deep as it’s been in years in today’s WWE.

 

Thoughts/predictions?