Monday Nitro #189
Date: May 24, 1999
Location: BI-LO Center, Greenville, South Carolina
Commentators: Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

The big story tonight is the return of Hulk Hogan, which somehow sounds like a breath of fresh air. Randy Savage has been pushed as a killing machine because he wants the title, but he’s gone back and forth on being good or evil in the last few weeks. He helped the heel Page keep the title for reasons that aren’t clear, then he feuded with Flair as a face, and then just started going after Nash without ever having a big evil moment. Either way he’s dragging the company through the floor, but to be fair almost everyone else is too. Let’s get to it.

We open with an In Memory Of graphic for Owen Hart and a three bell salute.

We recap the Steiners becoming the super evil brothers and squaring off with Sting and Luger last week.

Recap of the main points of last week’s show and Thunder with Savage beating up five guys on his own.

Bigelow is yelling at Raven and Saturn and reminds them about getting a partner. DDP runs up with a 2×4 and the champions get beaten down. Old guys over young guys again.

Nitro Girls.

Tony says his thoughts and prayers are with the Hart Family.

Van Hammer vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

Both guys are already in the ring so I don’t see this lasting long. Hammer is now just a basic big man and looks a bit like a biker. He throws Chavo around to start hammers away in the corner. A big boot drops Chavo but he comes back with a dropkick and drop toehold. That earns Chavo a press slam but he slips down the back into a sunset flip for two. A suplex and legdrop get the same for Hammer but Chavo escapes the cobra clutch slam. Chavo tries a Thesz press and gets caught in a bearhug, followed by the Flashback (Alabama Slam) for the pin. Total squash.

Video on Randy Savage.

DJ Ran.

Gene brings out a banged up Disco Inferno who is wearing sunglasses to cover up a black eye. He didn’t care for Savage’s “traveling show of pimps and ho’s” attacking him on Thursday and says he can get Savage in touch with Nash. Savage has been going after the young talent in the company and thinks it’s because Randy is afraid of them.

This brings out Ernest Miller of all people to dance and tell Disco to be a man. Disco wants Cat out of his face (would he prefer DJ Ran all up in his area?) and the fight is on. Nick Patrick comes out but is quickly knocked to the floor so I don’t think this is a match. Miller goes after the eye with a show and other referees come down to get Disco out. We cut to the Black and White locker room for the “Miller is talking about you” bit with Norton, because that’s still a thing. Norton chases Miller off.

Mike Tenay goes into Flair’s office.

Video on Nash.

Flair and Anderson are with El Dandy and offer to elevate his status for a loss to David tonight. Buddy Lee Parker comes in and asks for the office and secretary he was promised. Instead he’s given a Gold’s Gym membership and an offer to fight Benoit tonight. Parker takes it and says he won’t lay down again.

Gene brings out Mike Tenay who has an update on the Randy Savage situation: he’s getting the World Title shot at Great American Bash. Ric Flair storms out and talks to a woman in the audience, saying her mom rode Space Mountain twenty years ago and maybe she’ll get to tonight. As for business, Savage has injured Charles Robinson and Flair is thinking about banning the top rope elbow as punishment. He’s the ONLY man in WCW with power so Bischoff and Piper can tell their stories walking. Now it’s time to make some future stars. Flair loses his voice while saying this, maybe realizing how bogus what he’s saying is.

El Dandy vs. David Flair

During the entrances, Tony announces that the Tonight Show match has been canceled, meaning Nash may be here tonight. Dandy gets taken down by a shoulder and clothesline as David can barely even run the ropes properly. He avoids a dropkick though and backdrops Dandy with ease. A nice looking suplex gets two but Dandy smacks him in the face. Anderson sneaks in for a spinebuster, setting up the Figure Four for the win. Again, it really doesn’t look like the guys are throwing the matches, making this story a bit confusing.

Gene brings out Buff Bagwell who agrees that Savage is scared of the younger guys. Savage can come after him anytime, but tonight it’s about getting the TV Title. I could get behind a young vs. old story.

Here’s a five minute package on Eric Bischoff’s rise to power in WCW and joining the NWO. We’re nearly halfway through this show and have seen two matches but we have time for a guy who presumably has no power.

Battle Royal

Ciclope, Kaz Hayashi, Prince Iaukea, Johnny Swinger, Juventud Guerrera, Villano V, Damien, Kidman, Psychosis, Lash Leroux, Blitzkreig, Evan Karagias

The winner gets a shot at Rey next week. Juvy falls down on the way to the ring. I guess he tried to watch the show and started falling asleep. It’s a huge brawl to start with everyone sending everyone else to the ropes for attempted eliminations. Damien slams Blitzkrieg and Villano gets knocked down by something the camera misses. Iaukea works on Kidman near the ropes as Leroux is almost put on by Psychosis.

Ciclope gets taken down but not out by a top rope hurricanrana. Blitzkrieg takes Leroux out with a hurricanrana of his own but falls outside for a double elimination. Good timing too as the ring was too full. They keep slugging it out on the floor as Kidman clotheslines Iaukea out. Since this is WCW though, here’s Hugh Morrus to come in and destroy everyone in sight. Everyone jumps on him but he’s able to throw out Damien, Swinger, Psychosis, Ciclope, Kaz and Evan.

That leaves Juvy and Kidman in the ring, because Heaven forbid anyone other than those two get pushed against Mysterio. Kidman goes after Morrus as Juvy bails, but for once Morrus is able to powerbomb Kidman in half. No Laughing Matter cruses him again and Morrus goes up for a second, but Rey runs out and dropkicks Morrus to the floor. There’s no bell, but since Kidman is the only guy left in I’m assuming he wins. Either that or WCW just managed to have a battle royal end in a no contest.

Rating: F. For failure because there’s no other word to describe it. The cruiserweight division is a disaster right now as no one but Juvy, Rey and Kidman are consistently pushed and now Hugh Morrus, a jobber to the stars, beats up about six guys with ease before another runs away from him? On top of that, we’re now heading towards Kidman vs. Mysterio AGAIN? Assuming Rey even has a challenger that is. What a mess.

Here’s Piper to really get things going. We get some standard cheap heat with mentions of the local baseball team and Piper saying he’s had about fifty fights in this town and two or three of them were in the ring. Piper doesn’t care for Bischoff’s apologies but his real issue is with Randy Savage. Well of course it is. He lays down on the mat and calls out Savage but gets the girls instead.

Piper asks Miss Madness how she won the title before asking George where Savage is. She says he’s being honored and Piper makes Slim Jim jokes. He yells at all of them until Flair comes out for a save, earning him a beating. This brings out Page and Bigelow to lay out Piper for some reason. Page says Flair owes him, so Flair gives him a Tag Team Title shot at Great American Bash. Ric also makes another match between him and Piper for the show because….oh you know the drill by now.

Benoit and Malenko are in the back watching what just happened. Dean wants to know where their title shot is and thinks you have to be over 45 to get a push around here. Dean Malenko: wrestling’s smartest man. Benoit thinks Flair is for Flair and Dean says every man is for himself. That might do it for the Horsemen.

Video on Luger and Sting’s history together, going back a long way.

Piper is getting his ribs taped up and says he wants Flair/Page/Bigelow vs. himself and two partners. Gee I wonder who they’ll be.

Tony says WCW is partnering with Tommy Boy Records to merge wrestling and music. They’re about fifteen years too late but that’s WCW for you.

Curt Hennig comes out and tells Tony to turn him on. His headset you see. Curt doesn’t like rap music but did like beating up Konnan recently.

Video on a Tommy Boy Records wrestling themed party.

Chris Benoit vs. Buddy Lee Parker

Hennig is still on commentary and talks about how young guys like Benoit aren’t respecting the veterans that came before them. A black arm band can be seen on Chris’ arm for Owen. Parker actually gets in a few shots in the corner to start and I don’t see him getting in much more offense.

As you would expect, he charges into a boot in the corner and gets caught in the Rolling Germans. Benoit chops the fire out of him in the corner before hitting a quick belly to back suplex. Parker comes back with a powerslam, only to get drop toeholded into the middle turnbuckle. The Swan Dive sets up the Crossface and Parker taps very quickly.

Rating: D+. It’s always fun to see Benoit run someone over like this. Parker was older than dirt at this point and had been getting beaten up for years now. That’s probably why he was such a jerk down in the Power Plant. The match was just there for Benoit to show how awesome he was, because somehow that wasn’t an established fact to the WCW brass at this point.

TV Title: Rick Steiner vs. Buff Bagwell

Before the match we get a chat from the Steiners. Scott rips on WCW, saying they suck with Heenan saying “good point.” After bragging about the Red and Black, we get a perfect Scott line as he calls himself the US Champion and Rick the United States Television Champion. Bagwell charges the rings and hammers away at both Steiners, actually knocking Scott out to the floor. A quick dropkick puts Rick down but he starts going after Buff’s neck to take over. He ties Buff in the Tree of Woe so Scott can choke away from the floor.

Bagwell comes right back with a neckbreaker of his own, only to have Scott trip him from the floor. Scott gets in a few shots and Rick knocks Bagwell out to the floor with a Steiner Line. The brothers pull the mats back and Rick actually piledrives Buff on the floor. Things are about to get even worse with Scott holding Buff’s neck across the barricade as Rick goes up top…..and we’ve got a Sting monster truck in the aisle. Lex Luger, in a Sting mask for some reason, is driving. We cut back to the ring and Sting is there with his bat as we go to a break.

Rating: D. ANOTHER match ends in a DQ or a no contest because Heaven forbid anyone have to job around here. At least the stuff with Rick was short, though I’m still waiting on Goldberg to come back and fight the Steiners for what happened to him at Slamboree. Instead we’re getting Sting and Luger teaming up until Luger turns heel again and starts yet another feud between them.

Hennig is still on commentary and ripping on rap, so here’s Konnan to start a fight. They brawl into the ring with Konnan beating the tar out of Curt.

Mike Tenay is in the ring and calls out Jimmy Hart and Curt Hennig. Jimmy wants Mysterio out here right now to explain what happened earlier. Morrus complains about the same guys having the same matches for four years now and he wanted to mix it up a bit. Again, they need to stop saying things that the critics are saying. Rey starts brawling with Morrus and uses his usual springboard based offense until Jimmy trips him up. Hugh crushes him in the corner and plants him with a huge powerbomb. They get a chair but Konnan and Kidman come in for the save.

Here’s Hollywood Hogan for his big return from knee surgery. He’s still in a big knee brace and on crutches but is being all heelish anyway. Hogan praises Nash because they’re both part of the Pack and says he’s coming for Page. We get a reference to Raw, called the XXX Wrestling on the other channel. Hogan is the master of politics and has seen the people talking in the back, so he’ll return soon brother.

Nash comes out for a chat because Heaven forbid we get another match. After sucking up to the crowd ala Piper, he gets to the point of Savage running around like a crazy man after the World Title. Nash isn’t hard to find: he’ll be the guy with the big gold belt for a long time to come. This brings out the girls again with George’s leg hurt again. Why she’s wearing high heels while on crutches isn’t clear but at least she looks good.

Nash talks to George, saying he’s seen her wrestle but he’s rather see her box. The girls go after him and break a crutch over Nash’s back but it doesn’t seem to have much effect. Savage coming out and nailing him with the belt does have an effect though. We get the lipstick on the face thing again which is still kind of stupid.

Roddy Piper/???/??? vs. Ric Flair/Diamond Dallas Page/Bam Bam Bigelow

After a break, Malenko (in street clothes) and Benoit come out be Piper’s partners. Piper has his ribs taped up from the attack earlier and thankfully is sporting a black armband of his own. Unless I missed it, that’s the second of the entire show. Page and Malenko get things going but Dean wants Flair instead. Once Flair is in, Benoit wants to fight instead. They take turns chopping each other’s chests off until Benoit backdrops him down.

Benoit cleans house and clotheslines Bigelow out to the floor as everything breaks down. Flair finally gets back in and backs into his own corner, which Heenan calls a bad neighborhood. A thumb to the eye and chop put Benoit down and the Jersey boys come in to take over. Bigelow headbutts him down for two before Flair comes in for a low blow. Page has to break up a backslide but Bigelow misses the top rope headbutt. The hot tag brings in Piper and here are Raven and Saturn to go after the Jersey guys for the DQ.

Rating: D. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLY STOP WITH THE FREAKING DQ ENDINGS! You can’t get a clean ending to any main event match around here and I’m getting sick of it. Also, why in the world did we need Piper out there? To give former World Tag Team Champions credibility? Heaven forbid Piper isn’t around every two seconds to make things feel big.

It’s a huge brawl post match with the good guys getting the better of it. Piper puts Flair in the Figure Four as Benoit stomps on him. Ric bails and we cut to the back where Hogan is standing over a fallen Page to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. Oh sweet goodness this got old in a hurry. There were FIVE matches in three hours. Think about that for a minute. Nothing broke ten minutes and they can only give us five matches, one being a battle royal that ended in a no contest? Obviously there were major outside circumstances to it, but the ratings results for this night: Nitro’s 3.1 losing to WWF’s 7.2. Nitro hadn’t been that low for a regular show in over two years and Raw only topped that once in the entirety of the Monday Night Wars. This was a disaster for Nitro and a sign that things had to change.

Luckily for them, there actually was a glimmer of hope here. This idea of old vs. new, albeit the same thing they did with WCW vs. the NWO three years ago, has something to it as you can see the battle lines being drawn. Unfortunately some of those lines are just Piper’s wrinkles BECAUSE HE WON’T JUST GO AWAY, but there’s something there. Granted I have have no confidence in WCW because the old guys won’t lose once in awhile but it’s better than nothing.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Today’s Wrestler of the Day loves the way Stallone says YO in Rocky: Funaki.

We’ll pick things up at the usually awesome Super J Cup in 1995.

Super J Cup First Round: Sho Funaki vs. Ultimo Dragon

Dragon seems to be the heel here. He steps on Funaki’s back to start but has to escape a Fujiwara Armbar attempt. Instead Funaki puts on a leg bar to send Dragon rolling out to the apron. A plancha takes Dragon out again and Funaki goes back to the leg. Back up and they slug it out with Funaki taking over again with a headlock. Funaki grabs another leg lock so Dragon slaps him in the face and puts on one of his own.

They keep fighting over the leg locks with Funaki getting the better of it and keeping Dragon on the mat. Dragon grabs his own leg lock at the same time before they both get back up. A botched hurricanrana takes Funaki down and a Lionsault press gets two. No selling of the leg to be found in case you were expecting any for some reason. A fisherman’s buster gets two for Funaki but Dragon pops back to his feet and hits a hurricanrana followed by a DDT for the pin.

Rating: D+. When half of the match is spent with both guys working a leg and then both guys popping up for speed and high flying stuff, it’s really hard to care about the first half of the match. They looked like they were setting up something good but it wound up being all for naught because selling didn’t seem to exist here.

Off to the WWF now with one of Funaki’s first matches taking place at In Your House XXII.

Kaientai vs. Taka Michinoku/Justin Bradshaw

Kaientai is a three man team (Dick Togo, Sho Funaki and Mens Teioh) who has been attacking Taka for reasons not quite clear. Bradshaw has befriended the much smaller Taka and is backing him up tonight. The good guys (the two) jump Kaientai to start, sending them out to the floor. Bradshaw launches Taka over the top to take them all out until we get down to Taka vs. Funaki. A clothesline puts Taka down but it’s quickly off to Bradshaw, sending Funaki running to the floor for a conference.

Bradshaw gets tired of waiting and chases everyone around until we get down to Taka vs. Togo. Taka hits a tornado DDT for two but everyone else come in, leading to Bradshaw and Michinoku cleaning house again. Back in and Togo gets a sitout wheelbarrow slam to take over ad it’s off to Teioh. A big boot to the face and a release butterfly suplex gets two on Taka and a cannonball attack off the top puts Taka down again.

We hit the chinlock on Michinoku before a powerslam gets two more. Togo comes in off the top with something resembling a Swanton Bomb before it’s back to Funaki for a sleeper. Kaientai starts cheating again with Teioh distracting the referee so Funaki can put on a camel clutch and Togo can hit a quick dropkick to Taka’s face.

Michinoku finally avoids a charge and makes the hot tag to Bradshaw with the big man cleaning house. Togo hits him low though and Kaientai literally uses Bradshaw as a pedestal to pose. Bradshaw throws them all off and cleans house again but Taka’s Michinoku Driver only gets two on Togo. Teioh and Bradshaw head to the floor, allowing Togo to hit a top rope senton backsplash for the pin on Taka.

Rating: C. This is one of those matches that was better than the crowd reaction would suggest. The fans didn’t quite get this style yet and in an old school town like Milwaukee, the reaction really isn’t surprising. Bradshaw wasn’t much of a factor here but Kaientai bouncing off of him was fun stuff.

Now for a very fun handicap match from Summerslam 1998.

Oddities vs. Kaientai

The Oddities are Golga (Earthquake under a mask), Giant Silva (Great Khali’s size and about a tenth of the skill) and Kurrgan (uh….yeah). Kaientai is a four man heel team here and not the comedy guys they would become in a year or so. Golga starts with Light Heavyweight Champion Taka Michinoku and the big man rams his own head into the buckle for some reason. He shoves down all four members of Kaientai as we’re firmly in comedy match territory.

Golga steals Kaientai’s manager Yamaguchi-San’s shoes and blasts various people with it before it’s off to the dancing Kurrgan. He gets on his knees to fight Funaki in a funny bit before dancing even more. Three of the four Japanese guys swarm Kurrgan to no effect as he cleans house anyway. Yamaguchi-San is shoved down again and it’s off to Silva to clean the little bit of the house which isn’t taken care of yet.

Kaientai gets in a fight over who comes in but it’s Dick Togo (Best name EVER) who gets the job. All four guys come in again but they can’t combine to lift Silva’s legs. Silva sends all four of them into the corner and crushes them at once before Kurrgan comes in to whip one into the other three. Silva throws Taka over the top onto the other three as this is complete dominance. Back in and Golga tries a seated senton on Mens Teioh but Taka and Togo hit a double dropkick to stagger him.

Two members of the team combine to slam him and four straight top rope splashes followed by four straight legdrops get no cover. A quadruple dropkick has Golga in trouble but a quadruple clothesline puts Kaientai down. The hot tag brings in Kurrgan who takes down everyone in sight and hits a wicked side slam on Funaki. Everything breaks down as managers Luna Vachon and Yamaguchi-San get in a fight. A quadruple chokeslam is good for the pin by Golga on everyone from Japan.

Rating: C-. The match was nothing but comedy, it was overly long, Golga is the only Oddity that could do a thing in the ring…..and I can’t help but love the Oddities. There’s just something so innocently goofy about them that I smile every time I see Kurrgan do his dance. The match sucked but it has no expectations coming in so it’s completely harmless.

Funaki wrestled on Raw, May 24, 1999, more commonly known as Raw Is Owen.

Hardy Boys vs. Kaientai

The Hardys don’t mean much at all and are low level heels with Michael Hayes managing them. Kaientai rushes the ring and it’s on fast. Double teaming to Matt as the foreigners take over to start. Swanton Bomb (not called that yet) to the floor to Taka by Jeff as the Hardys have taken over.

Jeff tries a Phoenix Splash (moonsault with a twist into a 450) but eats canvas. Michinoku Driver gets no cover and it’s a double tag. Funaki and Matt hit the floor and Hayes interferes. Taka takes both Hardys out as the crowd isn’t that impressed. And the Twist of Fate ends Funaki. Nothing match so no rating.

Time for some hardcore hijinks at Wrestlemania 2000.

We see a conference with the Hardcore Battle Royal participants. Basically it’s a huge free for all and not a traditional battle royal. There’s a fifteen minute time limit and there can be as many title changes as there needs to be. Basically whoever is the last man standing is champion and the 24/7 rule stops after the last fall.

Hardcore Title: Hardcore Battle Royal

Tazz, Crash Holly, Hardcore Holly, Viscera, Joey Abs, Rodney, Pete Gas, Taka Michinoku, Funaki, Thrasher, Mosh, Faarooq, Bradshaw

Crash is defending coming in. He comes in last and we’re ready to go. Remember there’s a fifteen minute time limit. Everyone else fights to the floor and Taz hits a fast suplex on Crash for the pin ad the title in thirty seconds. So now, only Taz can be pinned for the title. A few seconds later, Viscera hits Tazz with a board and gets the title. Now we move into an extended period of hitting people in the head with whatever objects are handy.

We’ve got thirteen and a half minutes or so to go. Someone uses a box fan on someone else and that’s about the most in depth coverage you’ll be getting here. Everyone jumps Viscera and hits him with whatever they can find. Crash appears to be busted open. The Acolytes double team the champion and the beatings continue on everyone for a bit. Hardcore and Mosh beat Viscera down and get two each.

We’re under ten minutes now and it’s fine extinguisher time. There’s so much stuff going on it’s impossible to call. Viscera heads back into the ring and goes up top (for those of you unfamiliar, Viscera is about Big Show’s size), only to be slammed down by the Acolytes. The APA (Acolyte Protection Agency, same team) breaks a board over his back and Bradshaw hits a top rope shoulder to put him down. For no apparent reason they throw Kaientai on top of Viscera, giving Funaki the belt.

Funaki, apparently the smartest guy in the match, grabs the belt and runs away. Everyone catches up to him in the back with 7:00 left. Rodney gets a fluke pin out of nowhere for the pin, which I believe is the Posse’s first pinfall. Joey suplexes him down and wins the title but Thrasher gets a clothesline and the title. Everyone beats up Thrasher now because its their job and we come into the arena again. Pete Gas hits Thrasher with a fire extinguisher and wins the title.

Taz gets his hands on the champion and brings him back to ringside for a beating. A t-bone suplex puts the bloody Pete down for the pin and the title with….dang it they took the clock down. Hardcore sends Taz into the steps for two before Mosh takes a shot at him. Taz rolls up Mosh for two on instinct alone. Now it’s the Hollys and Taz in the ring and three minutes to go. Crash gets cracked in the head by Taz for two which again means nothing. Hardcore puts Taz down and the cousins fight over a cover. Two minutes left and both Hollies get two off a powerslam by Hardcore.

We’ve got a minute left as Hardcore hits the dropkick for two. The champion hits a suplex on Hardcore to send him outside as Crash hits Taz with a trashcan lid for the title. The Tazmission goes on Crash but Hardcore blasts Taz in the head with a candy jar and covers Crash. The ending is screwed up though as Hardcore was supposed to get two but be stopped by the time.

Instead the referee had to stop counting…but Hardcore wins anyway. It made no sense, but either way the important thing here is Taz actually. That jar was made of real glass and when it shattered, some of it got in Taz’s eye. Allegedly he was supposed to win the Intercontinental Title but the reign went to Benoit instead.

Rating: B-. What do you want me to say about this? It was exactly what it was supposed to be so I can’t complain about it in that regard. They beat the tar out of each other with some funny spots and it was contained in one match instead of a big goofy show long angle like we had two years later. This rating could be all over the place depending on your taste for this stuff.

Same idea at Unforgiven 2000.

Hardcore Title: Steve Blackman vs. Al Snow vs. Test vs. Perry Saturn vs. Crash Holly vs. Funaki

This is a Hardcore Invitational which means it’s like Mania 2000: there’s a ten minute time limit and the last person to get a fall over the champion wins the title. Blackman is champion coming in. This was during Snow’s reign as European Champion and what I thought was a hilarious gimmick as he would come out dressed as someone from a different European country every show, in this case Italy, complete with a fish and a portrait of Tony Danza.

They cover the 24/7 rule as that rule is taken away for 24 hours so the champion has a day of rest after the match is over. Everyone goes after Blackman to start and it’s a big mess as you would expect. Saturn takes Trish down and Test is mad. He clocks Saturn so Snow takes Test down with Head. Crash totally botches a rana and is more or less powerbombed. Funaki hits a cross body for two on the champ.

Saturn hits a decent moonsault to take out Crash and Snow on the floor. Everyone is on the floor now with seven minutes to go. Crash and Snow are still in the ring and doing nothing interesting. Test is the only one going after Blackman at this point. Scratch that as Crash gets a shot in and pins him with just over 6 minutes left. He runs down the aisle and right into a trashcan shot by Saturn for the pin. Most of everyone fights into the crowd and Saturn isn’t smart enough to run for the hills.

There isn’t much to say here as everyone is fighting in the same place and there isn’t much to say. With three minutes left everyone is still in the same place they were in a few minutes ago. Saturn and Blackman are at ringside now as is Snow. Saturn is in the ring alone with a stick. Blackman grabs his two sticks while Snow grabs….a pizza box? Snow is back in with two minutes left. Steve gets the kendo stick and beats up everyone, winning the title after a shot to Saturn with it at a minute left. Everyone goes after him but they’re running out of time. Blackman hangs on because no one covers since they’re stupid.

Rating: D. This was boring. At Mania it was at least fun but this had a total of three changes. At Mania there were 11 in just five extra minutes. There was no insanity here and it wasn’t fun at all. That’s not good for a match that is supposed to be designed around total insanity, which this was supposed to be.

Kaientai would become a regular tag team and speak in some usually funny dubbed English voices with Funaki’s only line being a deep INDEED. Here they are on Raw, January 15, 2001.

K-Kwik/Too Cool vs. Kaientai/Tazz

Kwik is commonly known as R-Truth. Some odd pairings here to be sure. Tazz cuts a brief promo. Kaientai’s dubbing gimmick is something I wasn’t a fan of back in the day but now I find it hysterical. Scotty and Funaki start us off. Too Cool hits a Hart Attack of all things. Taka tries a rana but gets caught in a nice sitout powerbomb by Grandmaster. Tazz surprisingly does the worst of his team as Truth comes in. The Worm hits Tazz but after Funaki interference the Tazmission beats Truth.

Rating: D+. Nothing special here in the slightest. It was a quick six man tag to fill in a spot on the card. Tazz would be face by Mania and I have no interest in the other five guys here. Yeah there really isn’t much else to say about this match is there? Why was this on the card again?

And again on Raw, April 23, 2001.

Kaientai vs. Right to Censor

Goodfather/Buchanan this time. The Japanese guys head to the back to get John Elway jerseys to make the crowd love them. They still can’t quite get the lip synching thing right. Paul: “Their lips don’t match!” Jim: “Get out of here!” Another good one: Jim: “The RTC is on a bad losing streak. It’s almost as bad as my broadcast partner’s losing streak with women.” This commentary is on tonight. The RTC fights them off early but it breaks down fast. Buchanan gets crotched but manages to catch a diving Taka. Funaki dropkicks Taka down onto Buchanan and hooks the foot for the surprise pin. This was again nothing.

Time to hit the syndicated shows with Metal on January 26, 2002.

Funaki vs. Perry Saturn

Saturn gets rolled up for a pair of twos to start and Funaki nails him with a low dropkick to the head. Things slow down a bit as Saturn takes a breather, only to come back with a superkick for two. Funaki gets hammered even more and sent flying with an overhead belly to belly. A quick Majistral cradle gets two on Saturn and Funaki follows it up with a high cross body. Coach and Kelly are talking about racism and dancing the Charleston before Funaki gets caught in a kneeling shoulder hold (called the Rings of Saturn here but not the traditional hold) for the submission.

Rating: D. They knew they were on a show no one was going to watch here and wrestled accordingly. This was a glorified squas that just kept going despite it not having any real interest. Saturn is a guy that can go when he’s motivated but that certainly wasn’t the case here. Is it any real surprise that he was gone in a few months?

He would get a singles match at Rebellion 2002.

Funaki vs. Crash Holly

See what I mean about not the most interesting matches? This is Crash’s UK debut apparently. The fans are WAY behind Funaki here. Fast start which doesn’t really get us anywhere. Crash pulls out a Japanese flag (called the British flag by the idiotic announcers) bandana and it’s a kung fu match apparently.

Crash takes over and we hit the chinlock. This show is getting very boring very quickly indeed. Apparently the winner of this might get a Cruiserweight Title shot. Both get rollups for two. Crash attempts an Oklahoma Roll but Funaki lays down on him and gets the pin. This was another rather short match with nothing special about it at all.

Rating: C-. Not a bad match or anything but sweet goodness this has been a boring show and this match didn’t help it. The problem is that there’s no point to this and it’s nothing but filler and everyone knows it. Not a bad match or anything like I said but it would be nice to have something actually matter.

Time for a tag match on Smackdown, April 3, 2003.

Tajiri/Funaki vs. Team Angle

Haas and Benjamin are Tag Team Champions but this is non-title. The champions clean house to start and Benjamin offers a mock bow to Funaki. Tajiri comes in for some jumping jacks and makes things even worse for his partner. A hard double back elbow puts Funaki down and Haas tells him to tag his partner. Tajiri cleans house with his kicks to the face but Charlie takes him down with a belly to back suplex for two.

Benjamin jumps over Haas’ back to land on Tajiri for two more and we hit the Boston Crab. Funaki finally makes a save so Tajiri can hit a double handspring elbow to put the champions down. A hot tag brings in Funaki for some chops and a high cross body for two on Haas. Everything breaks down and Shelton charges into the Tarantula. Haas escapes the tornado DDT though and Benjamin chop blocks Funaki, setting up the Haas of Pain for the submission.

Rating: D+. Pretty dull match here even though I like most of the guys in the match. Funaki didn’t do much in this one and it brought the match down a little bit. Haas and Benjamin were fresh off keeping the titles at Wrestlemania and needed a new team to beat up so why not go the ethnic route?

Back to the hardcore days at Vengeance 2003.

Bar Room Brawl

Shannon Moore, Doink the Clown, Faarooq, Bradshaw, Brother Love, Nunzio, Matt Hardy, Chris Kanyon, Danny Basham, Doug Basham, The Easter Bunny, Sean O’Haire, John Hennigan, Orlando Jordan, Funaki, Los Conquistadores, The Brooklyn Brawler, Johnny Stamboli, Chuck Palumbo, Matt Cappotelli, and Spanky.

There’s a bar set up in the arena and we’re just going to fight in there. Los Conquistadores are Rob Conway and Johnny Jeter in case you’re wondering. Aaron Stevens is the Easter Bunny. He was on Smackdown for a cup of coffee as Idol Stevens in like 05 or 06. McCool managed him. John Hennigan is more commonly known as John Morrison, and this Doink is played by Nick “Eugene” Dinsmore.

In essence, this is a big OVW party as a ton of these guys were in OVW at the time. Most of the jobbers don’t get intros. Spanky is up on the bar dancing. Bradshaw says the rules are that the last man drinking wins as we’re testing the toughness and their livers. Ok that’s creative. Brother Love wants to pray before we start. Naturally it’s just a massive fight with no rhyme or reason to it. The Easter Bunny is drinking bears and getting punched. This is wrong.

O’Haire beats the APA up with pool cues. This is idiotic. Brother Love beats up Shannon Moore. I’d think that sums up why no one buys him. The Easter Bunny goes through a window. A bunny watching this would be traumatized for life. Hardy can’t break a table which is kind of funny.

There’s nothing of any kind of logic going on here at all. Funaki passes out from beer. Bradshaw beats up Brother Love and I guess that gives him the win. He’s the last man standing even though Farroorq is standing next to him.

Rating: N/A. This was a waste of about 5 minutes. Moving on.

We’re going to jump a good bit ahead for a glorified thank you at Armageddon 2004.

Cruiserweight Title: Funaki vs. Spike Dudley

Funaki won a battle royal on Thursday to set this up. Spike is heel here. Technical stuff to start with Funaki working on the arm a bit. Funaki gets him to the floor and hits a baseball slide for two. Funaki slams him off the top and gets a low dropkick for two. Spike goes up and is caught rather quickly with Funaki trying to suplex him down to the floor. That of course fails so Spike lifts him up and drops him down off the top and onto the floor.

That and a running knee strike get two. With Funaki on his knees Spike throws on an abdominal stretch. Fireman’s carry into a gutbuster gets two for Spike and now to the stretch again. The fans flat out do not care. Funaki makes a comeback and gets Spike in the Tree of Woe and gets a double stomp off the top in the same move, actually waking the crowd up a bit.

Funaki makes his comeback, hitting a bulldog and a shoulder-ziguri for two. Spike misses a charge in the corner and Funaki goes up and still no one cares. Top rope cross body gets two. Tornado DDT is reversed and Spike gets a headbutt to the ribs to take him down. They totally butcher a pinfall reversal sequence and Funaki gets down in time for the pin and the title.

Rating: D+. Just boring beyond belief here with no one caring in the slightest. Weak match overall as no one wanted to see this match, let alone in the second biggest spot of the entire card. Really didn’t like this, although it did manage to make me doze off for a bit which is a good thing indeed.

Time to put someone over on Smackdown, August 25, 2005.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Funaki

This is Kennedy’s Smackdown debut. Kennedy grabs the mic before the match and doesn’t buy Funaki as Smackdown’s #1 announcer in a cute line. Kennedy shoves him into the corner to start but walks into a right hand and gets armdragged down into an armbar. Funaki misses a cross body though and goes crashing out to the floor. Mr. misses a kind of running stomp but counters a tornado DDT by crotching Funaki on the top rope. The rolling fireman’s carry from the middle rope is enough for the pin.

Rating: C-. Decent debut here but the fireman’s carry looked like something that was setting up a bigger move. That’s the problem with Kennedy’s early days: it took him a long time to pick a finisher until he settled on the Mic Check and it made him seem like he didn’t know how to end a match.

Funaki would be put into the Cruiserweight Title hunt again, starting at Royal Rumble 2006.

Cruiserweight Title: Gregory Helms vs. Kid Kash vs. Funaki vs. Jamie Noble vs. Nunzio vs. Paul London

Kid Kash is champion coming in and this is Texas Tornado rules and one fall to a finish. Helms is from Raw but is here because it’s an open invitational. It’s a big brawl to start and everyone gangs up on Helms. I don’t know if there was a delay of some sort or just a really bad sign, but there are dozens if not hundreds of empty seats visible in the lower arena, most of them opposite the hard camera.

Helms gets beaten into the corner but Kash pulls some other people off for no apparent reason. Nunzio slams Kash onto the mat for one Noble gets two on Nunzio off a powerslam as London hits a dropsalt for two on Noble and Nunzio. Wait apparently those red seats are stairs. Those are rather distracting and the seating structure is odd as there’s a group of about eight seats per row then another set of stairs as opposed to most arenas where there are about twice that many in a row. At least the place isn’t as empty as it seemed.

Nunzio hits a slingshot to send Noble into the corner and Funaki adds a bulldog for two. We finally get to the dives with Nunzio diving on a pair of guys, allowing Noble to get two on Kash via a leg lariat. Noble dives on Helms and Nunzio on the floor and Funaki is knocked off the top onto Nunzio and Noble. London kicks Kash to the floor as well and dives on everyone not named Helms with a shooting star off the top.

Back in and London loads up a shooting star press onto Kash but Helms goes up top at the same time and hooks a swinging neckbreaker to bring London down for two. A brainbuster from Kash kills London again but two guys come in for the save. All six guys are back in the ring now and Kash gets two off a Backstabber on Nunzio. Funaki can’t hit a tornado DDT on Noble and gets caught in a gutbuster for trying. Noble gets sent to the floor by Helms and Gregory hits a Shining Wizard out of nowhere for the pin on Funaki and the title.

Rating: C+. What are you expecting to find here? It’s six guys in the ring all at once and going nuts on each other with spots. There isn’t supposed to be any sort of story or flow to it and there certainly wasn’t here. It was the right choice for an opener and the match worked well enough for its purpose. Fine but nothing memorable at all. Helms would hold the title for over a year.

And again at Great American Bash 2007.

Cruiserweight Title: Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Shannon Moore vs. Jamie Noble vs. Funaki

It’s a five man match but remember that this is a Cruiserweight Open, as in anyone can get in on this. Chavo is champion coming in. This is the dying days of the title as this was thrown on the card yesterday with no story. They did these kind of matches for probably a year. Hornswoggle is on the floor and hides under the ring. Chavo tries to run but gets thrown outside instead. This is one fall to a finish.

This is one of those matches where you can’t really keep up with anything so the whole thing is pretty all over the place. Chavo comes back in and Cole talks about his Latina wife. Shannon gets two on Chavo but Funaki hits a cross body onto both of them for a combined two. Powerslam gets two for Noble but Chavo breaks it up again. Chavo hooks some freaky rollup on Yang and transitions into a half crab but it gets broken up by Funaki.

Moore slams Funaki into the buckle HARD. Noble vs. Moore now. Make that Noble vs. Funaki. See what I mean about how there’s no point in trying to call this? Funaki gets an enziguri for two on Moore. Gory Bomb to Funaki gets two for the champ. Almost everyone goes to the floor so Yang sets for a dive. Chavo stops it and it’s Tower of Doom time. Noble is down and here’s Horny to come off the top with a Tadpole Splash to win the title.

Rating: C-. Like I said there’s only so much you can do in these. The ending is totally legal when you think about it: he’s certainly small enough and it was an Open so anyone can enter at any time right? This wasn’t anything great but it was very clear that the title was done. And no it wasn’t Horny that killed it. The belt was long since dead.

Here’s one of his less competitive matches on Smackdown, March 21, 2008.

Kung Fu Naki vs. Edge

Edge is World Heavyweight Champion but this is of course non-title. Feeling out process to start with Edge quickly snapmaring him down and smirking. Edge gets bored with the easy stuff and kicks Funaki’s head off to put him into the corner. A swinging neckbreaker drops Funaki again and Edge slowly punches him around the ring. The spear connects out of nowhere but Edge pulls him up at two. Instead he tombstones Funaki to send a message to the Undertaker before this Sunday’s Wrestlemania.

Rating: D. This was more story development than a match and there’s nothing wrong with that. Edge beating up Funaki is fine and doesn’t hurt anyone so why not do something like this? The wrestling didn’t need to mean anything and Funaki was treated like the jobbiest jobber who ever jobbed. In other words, he made the champ look good like he was supposed to.

We’ll wrap up Funaki’s WWE run with this match on Smackdown, January 30, 2009. Funaki is now Kung Fu Naki, who had one of the most awesome theme songs ever.

Umaga vs. Kung Fu Naki

Funaki walks into a superkick, gets crushed with the hips in the corner, and Samoan Spiked for the pin.

One more match at TNA One Night Only: World Cup of Wrestling with Funaki being brought in as a member of Team International.

Doc/Knux (Aces and 8’s) vs. Funaki/Petey Williams (International)

Funaki gets thrown into the corner and stomped down during the entrances to give the bikers an early advantage. Doc gets things going against Funaki and the dominance begins quickly. Funaki is dragged into the heel corner and it’s off to Knux for some clubbing forearms and more double stomping. Some right hands have no effect on Knux but Funaki keeps swinging and actually staggers Doc. The bikers easily break up the tag attempt though with Doc taking Funkai down to the mat in a leg lock.

The slow beating continues and there’s not much to talk about here. It’s the same power offense over and over again on Funaki as we’re over five minutes into this. Funaki’s sunset flip is easily blocked but Knux sits on the mat instead of Funaki’s chest. The hot tag is broken up again though as the beatdown continues. Knux puts on a front facelock and we get the unseen tag for old times’ sake. Funaki stops a charging Doc with a boot in the corner but his tornado DDT is broken up.

An enziguri is FINALLY enough for the hot tag to Williams as things speed up. Petey headscissors Knux into 619 position and dropkicks him in the back as everything breaks down. A running DDT gets two on Knux and Petey low bridges Doc to the floor. Funaki gets two on Doc off a cross body but Knux comes back in with a hammer shot to Funaki for the pin.

Rating: D. This was REALLY boring as it ran nearly fifteen minutes with about twelve of those being spent on a long Funaki heat segment. It doesn’t help that the small guys have never teamed together that I know of and are facing a regular team. Nothing to see here and WAY too long on top of that.

Funaki is a guy that was never going to be considered anything serious and there’s nothing wrong with that. You knew he was going to job 95% of the time but it was really nice to see a title reign as kind of a thank you. He was watchable in the ring and had some funny bits at times, so what more can you ask for? Funaki was a decent guy indeed.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Time for someone a little easier on the eyes: Velvet Sky.

Velvet got her start as Talia Madison back in 2003. Here’s a rarity from Heat on July 17, 2005.

Talia vs. Victoria

Yeah there actually used to be Diva squash matches. Lillian calls Talia Ta-Lee-Uh. Talia jumps over her to start and snapmares her down for two. A handshake earns Talia a headbutt and a hair toss across the ring. Off to a chinlock on Talia before she fights up (and loses some of her pants) and nails a high cross body, only to have Victoria rolls through for two. Victoria powerbombs her out of the corner for two but the Widow’s Peak is enough for the pin.

It’s off to TNA in 2007 and we’ll pick things up at Turning Point 2007.

Roxxi Leveaux/ODB vs. Velvet-Love Entertainment

Velvet-Love is of course the Beautiful People and this is their debut match as a team. They’re nice here. Well I think they are at least. Velvet looks totally different here and not in a good way. She’s still hot but nothing compared to what she would become. Velvet vs. Roxxi starts us off but Velvet is scared so here’s Angelina instead. ODB comes in and spanks her so Velvet rides her around. We’re in a comedy match as ODB wants the referee to spank her.

Roxxi beats on Velvet for a bit and it’s off to ODB again. She stands on Velvet’s crotch and this match needs to end quickly. Now we get a series of spots based around ODB’s crotch. Sky escapes and it’s the not as hot as my partner tag to Love. Everything breaks down and a combination bicycle kick/Russian legsweep beats Roxxi.

Rating: F. Velvet looks a lot less hot with long hair and with a lack of makeup. On top of that, this was a “comedy” match but it wasn’t funny. Don’t you love it when that’s what winds up happening in these things? I still don’t get the appeal of ODB at all, but she keeps getting signed for some reason along with Jackie.

Another six Knockouts tag at Slammiversary 2008.

ODB/Roxie/Gail Kim vs. Beautiful People/Moose

Moose is a chick that is almost as tough as Kong and is the mascot of the Beautiful People. She broke her leg in a hardcore match in an indy company and hasn’t been seen in TNA since. The Beautiful People leave Moose in the ring and she gets triple teamed. Roxie has the really short haircut here due to losing a match at Sacrifice. Gail and Moose officially start us off.

And make that Roxie as everything breaks down quickly. The Beautiful People try to leave but Gail and ODB don’t let them. Moose gets a flapjack for two. Off to Velvet who likes being on top of Roxie. The heels take over on Roxie and Moose hits a bad looking TKO for two. Velvet puts on an Octopus Hold and bites the hand at the same time. Hot tag to Gail who cleans house, putting all three chicks down and hitting a top rope cross body on Velvet for two.

Angelina takes out Kim’s bad knee and the heels take over again. They must have some time to work with here. Love works over the knee and my goodness we have psychology in a match involving breasts. Edit: breasts that don’t belong to Joe. They really are better than the Divas. Half crab goes on for a bit to work on the leg more. Moose comes in for a bridging Indian deathlock as Gail is in trouble.

There’s a Brock Lock (over the shoulder leg bar) but Gail gets the rope again. The referee is in a bowtie and shorts. That’s quite a look. Gail finally breaks free and there’s ODB off a tag. Thesz Press gets two on Moose and it breaks down again. ODB picks Moose up and hits a British Bulldog style powerslam for the pin.

Rating: C+. I liked this and the knee work was a nice touch. Gail has a bad knee coming in and the announcers pointed it out so it’s not like it was hard to miss. Little things like that one can add up a lot of points in a match and this is a good example of it. That made sense for the heels to go after and they did, showing some thinking which is a big part of psychology.

Same idea again at Final Resolution December 2008. Yeah there were two Final Resolutions in 2008.

ODB/Taylor Wilde/Roxxi vs. Beautiful People/Sharmell

If the heels win the Beautiful People get Booker’s locker room. Is there a reason why Cute Kip had to mess the entrance up? I’ve never quite gotten the appeal of ODB, but then again I don’t think anyone else really did either. This is back when Wilde was still definitively hot so at least there’s that going for this match. ODB cleans house to start as we need a heel here.

Angelina vs. Roxxi starts us off officially. And so much for the match as we need to talk about Mafia vs. Frontline. Joe isn’t trustworthy apparently. I’m stunned too. Roxxi cleans house as it’s more or less the dominant ones vs. the not dominant ones. The Beautiful People go down so it’s up to Sharmell now. Kip comes in instead so it’s him vs. ODB for a second until the Beautiful People are back up again.

This has been going about three minutes and it already needs to end quickly. The heels take over for a bit and Sharmell does the standard heel thing of only coming in when her rival if you can call ODB that is down. Wilde comes in and this continues to be completely uninteresting.

Everything goes nuts again and Sharmell, like an idiot, goes after ODB when she’s not dead and I think you know what’s coming here. Kip of course comes in for the save and that gets us nowhere as ODB chases Sharmell away. Yes, the whole point of the match was that beatdown and it never even happens. Wilde rolls through a cross body by Angelina to get the pin.

Rating: D-. This was boring as all goodness and the ending went completely against the story which I’d assume would be settled on Impact. Instead of having the match be about revenge it became about possession of a locker room. That makes perfect sense doesn’t it? It is TNA after all.

Four in a row at Destination X 2009.

Beautiful People vs. Roxxi/Taylor Wilde/The Governor

Yes, the Governor is the Sarah Palin character that Daffney played. What is up with TNA being all political? There are still three Beautiful People at this point: Angelina, Velvet and Madison. At least Wilde looks good here. Governor (in a pantsuit) vs. Velvet to start. The fans chant yes we can because the Orlando fans are rather annoying.

Off to Roxxi and then to Taylor. The non-beautiful ones are tagging in really fast here. Apparently Madison is just now an official member of the BP. Velvet locks in an Octopus Hold to Roxxi who escapes and kicks her in the face. Sign: “Botchmania 71 = this match.” It’s pretty clear the fans aren’t that into this but that’s to be expected.

It’s one of those matches where stuff is happening but there isn’t anything to talk about. Taylor is called the upset queen still despite that being like two years prior to this. Taylor comes in and cleans house as this is one of the least interesting matches I’ve seen in years. Everything breaks down and the Governor dives over the top to the floor to take out everyone not named Madison on the other team. Madison gets caught in a bridging German by Wilde to end this.

Rating: D. What the heck was the point of this? You hear the term “TV match” a lot and this is the definition of one. Nothing at all about this match implies that it should be on a PPV in the slightest and yet here it is, opening the show. You can tell a lot about a PPV and how much effort is put into it by the opener and this one was awful. No one cared, nothing happened and it was short. Weak match indeed and I’m not looking forward to the rest of this show at all now.

Six Knockouts tag #5 at Turning Point 2009.

Knockout Title/Knockout Tag Titles: Beautiful People vs. ODB/Taylor Wilde/Sarita

All titles on the line here and the non-beautiful people are champions. No word on how the titles are split up if one of the three pins a tag champion (Wilde/Sarita). You know I wonder what ODB stands for. I think I’ll see what I can come up with (and spare me the comments saying what it stands for. I know already and I need something to get me through this match). The Beautiful People here are Velvet, Lacey and Madison here. Velvet vs. Wilde to start us off but it’s off to Sarita quickly. Ok make that Department of Bacon. We’re less than a minute in and they’ve all been in already.

Headbutt to the ribs gets two for Date of Birth. Madison comes in and does the touch yourself and burn your finger thing. Instead here though she has to go over to the corner and has Velvet blow on it. I guess men and women both want to be blown by her. The delay allows Original Daniel Bryan to bring in Sarita to fight Madison. The tag champions set up a double team moonsault (belly to back release into a moonsault by Taylor) for two.

Madison takes over and it’s off to Madison. After mounting Wilde she throws on a chinlock for about 2 seconds and hammers away a bit more. The fans say Lacey can’t wrestle so we’re back off to Velvet. Octopus hold goes on for a few seconds so the announcers can make Inoki jokes. An elbow breaks the hold and it’s cold tag to Board of Directors. After a fallaway slam to Velvet everything breaks down. They triple team Operation Break Dance which fails completely. TKO ends Madison.

Rating: D. Weak match here that had no point at all being on the PPV. This is what Impact is for: six minute matches with hot women doing nothing of note for the entire match. Also, is there a reason to keep the titles on there? Oxford Dictionary of Britain doesn’t get us anywhere as champion. Angelina would be back soon which helped the division a lot. Anyway, weak match.

Regular tag at Lockdown 2010.

Knockout’s Title/Tag Titles: Beautiful People vs. Tara/Angelina Love

Ok so it’s your standard two singles wrestlers vs. tag champions. You know the rules I’m sure. Yep Tara is gorgeous. Velvet and Angelina start us off. Taz is rather annoying on commentary to say the least. Some nice double teaming from the BP there. Make jokes amongst yourselves. Tara pulls an Angle and totally misses a moonsault. Good to see that the accuracy is there still.

Angel is better in the ring than she’s given credit for. Madison takes the Widow’s Peak but Velvet makes the save. Lacey gets in somehow and drills Tara in the head with a belt to give Madison Rayne the Knockout’s Title. So that’s two straight title changes with the champion not getting pinned. Ok then. I do love the BP being the focus of the division. That’s intelligent and not sarcastic actually.

Rating: C-. Not terrible actually. Love is underrated in the ring and Tara is always solid. The booking is right here and we don’t get the wacky tag partners which is never any good. I’m rather happy for the first near hour of this show. I must be coming down with something. They need to stop putting all of the titles on the line in one match though. Spread that stuff out if they’re so important to you.

We actually have a singles match! From No Surrender 2008.

Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky

Madison in leather is something I could get used to. Tara interferes almost immediately as Rayne goes for the head of Sky to start.. Knees to the crotch of Madison makes Taz wonder if that would hurt.

Are there any Knockouts other than the BP and Tara? If there are they never appear on TV. Tara goes for the helmet but Love makes the save. And then Velvet just gets a DDT to get the win. It was as abrupt as it sounds.

Rating: D. This just didn’t do it for me. It was on the exact level as a Divas match with very little wrestling but then again who cares about that when you have someone like her? That was only half sarcasm mind you. The division has more or less died over this year and it didn’t get any better here. Pretty bad match.

Off to Impact on November 4, 2010.

Sarita vs. Velvet Sky

Sarita continues to be incredibly sexy though Velvet is of course no slouch either. This is about the six girl match last week. Ok that makes sense. Decent little rana by Sky gets no cover as we head to the mat. And let’s talk about Bischoff now. WEAK chops in the corner by the Beautiful one. DDT is blocked by Sarita as the fans finally wake up a bit for a bad clothesline from the Mexicanadian. This is rather sloppy.

We touch on Lacey training Tessmacher as nothing special is happening at all here. Tenay and Taz complain about even more stuff which I didn’t think was possible. I get that the match sucks but could they try a bit harder at least? Another DDT is blocked and Velvet is sent to the floor. Tiger Bomb by Sarita gets the pin.

Rating: D. Weak match here with all kinds of sloppiness. Naturally the announcers said nothing of note at all other than some very basic play by play. This at least had some continuity in there but there wasn’t much going on at all. Sarita is at least a fresh heel out there which is something the division was dying for. This was rather bad though.

And again on Impact, June 16, 2011 for another title match.

Knockout Tag Titles: Velvet Sky/Miss Tessmacher vs. Sarita/Rosita

Sarita and Velvet start us off. Mexican America has been sent to the back apparently. Velvet sends her flying and it’s off to Rosita and Tessmacher. The challengers dominate for awhile so it’s off to Sarita again. This is your standard Knockouts match, in that they’re nice to look at but at the same time it’s a lot of yelling and not much on the wrestling. Tessmacher looks incredible in those little shorts but she can’t wrestle that well at all. Everything breaks down but as the challengers want a double suplex, here’s ODB to distract Velvet. The champs double team Tessmacher and a flip splash by Rosita gets the pin at 3:52.

Rating: D. Nothing of note at all here as the whole thing was just to set up more ODB vs. Velvet which is nothing interesting in the slightest. The girls aren’t incredibly good in the ring but they’re trying at least. They needed someone in there to anchor this match and it hurt things a lot.

For the other title at Bound For Glory 2011.

Knockouts Title: Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky vs. Winter vs. Mickie James

Winter, a kind of lesbian vampire who might be sleeping with Angelina, is defending. No real story here other than a bunch of qualifying matches put together by Knockouts Boss Karen Jarrett. Karen is refereeing here too. We have tags again here so it’s Mickie vs. Winter to get things going. The champ grabs an armbar to start before James comes out of the corner with a headscissors and neckbreaker for two.

Madison comes in with what looks like a handkerchief to Mickie’s face as Karen keeps screeching. Velvet comes in with some facebusters to Madison but Karen is busy tying her shoe. Everything breaks down for a second as Madison and Winter get in an argument. Karen tells the two of them to go fight Mickie and Velvet so we have a double tag. Mickie suplexes Velvet but Karen won’t tag to reenforce what we already knew.

The girls get frustrated at the refereeing before slugging it out. Winter and Madison trip them to the floor, earning them a beating back inside. The champ cleans house until Mickie comes in to take her out. Jarrett yells even more so Winter sprays her blood in Karen’s eyes. The MickieDT plants Winter as Traci comes out to take over. Velvet hits In Yo Face on Madison for the pin and the title.

Rating: D. This was REALLY annoying as there was almost no structure or flow to it. Most of the match was spent on Karen, meaning the big moment of Velvet finally winning the title barely meant anything. The wrestling didn’t get any focus because the whole thing was about the annoying referee. I understand that was the point back in the day, but it really doesn’t hold up.

Throw the girls in a cage! From Lockdown 2012.

Knockouts Title: Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky

No pigeons again and Tazz is upset. Her outfit is different this week as it’s more like a skirt. Madison comes out with Gail. Velvet grabs a fast rollup for two but Gail hits her in the back to take over. Velvet fires off some shots but Gail knocks her back, hitting a missile dropkick for two. More back work in the form of a backbreaker with the bending over the knee by Gail before she moves on to a knee lock, bending it around her own head.

Gail hooks something like a dragon sleeper which is countered by a jawbreaker. She misses a charge in the corner but Velvet is down too. Flying headscissors puts Gail down but she pops up to try and climb out. Velvet follows her up for some knees on the top rope. She looks for In Yo Face but settles for a sunset bomb for two instead. Madison starts yelling at Velvet as Gail tries to escape. Sky notices and tries an O’Connor Roll which is reversed into a rollup by Gail with tights for the pin at 7:27.

Rating: C-. Not the worst match ever but they’re not doing anything to help this already bad crowd. Gail keeps the title here, which I can live with because there was very little build for Velvet, but they need someone to breathe some life into this division. Gail and Madison has been played but it didn’t get mentioned at all here for the most part.

We’ll jump ahead a bit to Impact on February 21, 2013.

Knockouts Title: Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim vs. Miss Tessmacher vs. Tara

Tara is defending and this is under elimination rules. Brooke Hogan gets to be ringside because what would a segment be without her? The bell will be after this break. Jesse is ejected by Brooke and we’re ready to go. We get a bunch of quick rollup attempts but no pins early on. Tessmacher tries a victory roll on Tara but gets caught in an electric chair to send her out to the floor. Things settle down a bit and Tara hits the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Sky, only to have the pin broken up by Gail. Why would she do that?

Now Tara and Gail go at it but Gail is sent to the floor for a bulldog from Tessmacher. Velvet and Tessmacher ping pong the champion back and forth with punches but Tara fights back. A moonsault hits Tessmacher but Velvet grabs Tara and hits In Yo Face, only to be broken up by Gail. Kim steals the pin on Tara to eliminate her, guaranteeing us a new champion.

Tessmacher hits a kind of spinning neckbreaker on Gail but goes up and gets crotched. Gail loads up a superplex put Velvet adds a powerbomb to make it a Tower of Doom. Velvet covers both opponents for two so she tries In Yo Face on Gail. Tessmacher tries to roll up Sky but Velvet rolls through it and covers Tessmacher for the elimination. We’re down to Velvet vs. Gail.

Sky pounds away to start but misses a dropkick to stop her momentum cold. Kim tries a cover but gets caught grabbing the ropes like a good villain should. Some shoulders in the corner miss and Velvet grabs a pretty sloppy sunset flip for two. In Yo Face hits this time and Velvet wins the title at 8:35.

Rating: C-. This wasn’t bad but at the end of the day, what difference does this really make? Velvet is another person that happens to hold the title now. She’ll probably hold it for about three months before dropping it back to Tara or Gail and the cycle starts all over again. That’s the problem with the women’s divisions in both companies: they’ve been going around in circles for years.

Here’a non-cage match at Lockdown 2013.

Knockouts Title: Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky

Velvet is defending. Feeling out process to start until the champion hooks a flying headscissors to put Gail down. A neckbreaker gets two for Velvet and she sends Gail to the floor. Back inside Kim gets a quick rollup for two and there’s a running shoulder to the champion’s ribs. Gail gets her in a fireman’s carry and slams her down for two before arguing with referee Terryn Terell. An attempt at a headscissors out of the corner is easily countered by Velvet into a mat slam for no cover.

Some clotheslines and elbows put Kim down again as does a bulldog. A reverse DDT gets two for Velvet and Gail is staggered. As she gets up she grabs Terell, allowing Gail to hit Eat Defeat for two. Gail shoves Terryn in the corner before slapping her, begging to be disqualified. Instead Terryn spears Gail down and beats her up, allowing Velvet to hit In Yo Face for the pin at 7:38.

Rating: D. I do not like women’s wrestling. Terrell looks GREAT in the little black shorts and that’s all I’ve got here. Oh and Gail Kim is perhaps the least interesting human being on the face of this planet. Therefore, let’s make sure to push her to the freaking moon and back for years on end.

Off to One Night Only at Joker’s Wild II.

Lei’D Tapa/Gail Kim/Alpha Female vs. Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne/ODB

Just a filler here in an elimination match. Tapa imitates Velvet’s entrance to a ton of booing but Velvet calms the people down by doing it again. Sky charges at Tapa but is lifted in the air for a choke. Off to Gail for a clothesline but she gets caught by Madison’s mat humper. Gail spanks Tapa for some reason and yells at her for not having her back. The announcers talk about having spotted dick at lunch today and the match just keeps going.

Alpha comes in for a slam and some forearms to Madison’s chest. She misses a bad looking splash though and it’s back to Velvet who finally knocks Alpha down. Madison and Gail fight to the floor as Velvet bulldogs Alpha down. Chris Sabin comes out to distract the referee though and gets in an argument with Velvet. Sky low bridges him to the floor, kicks Alpha in the head and hits In Yo Face for the elimination.

Gail rolls Velvet up for a fast pin but the referee is with Sabin and misses Madison spearing Gail down. Tapa runs Madison over for an easy pin and we’re down to Gail/Tapa vs. ODB. The numbers game quickly catch up to her but Gail wants to get the glory. Tapa gets tired of it and shoves Gail into a rollup to get us down to one on one. Gail nails Tapa and ODB hits the Bam for the final pin.

Rating: D. There was no reason at all for this to be elimination rules. There were a few too many things going on here but they still could have wrapped the whole thing up in a single fall. It also doesn’t help that all of these stories have already been wrapped up two months before this show aired.

We’ll wrap things up with the newly reformed Beautiful People and their new boyfriends the BroMans on Impact, September 10, 2014.

BroMans/Velvet Sky vs. Menagerie

The BroMans now have the Beautiful People with them. The Freak is on the floor for this one. Steeve chases Robbie around to start and it’s quickly off to Jesse. Knux comes in with a cartwheel and a big slam before it’s back to Steeve. Robbie gets in a right hand on the floor as DJZ is running around like a crazy man.

Velvet comes in for some slaps before it’s back to Jesse who immediately tags Robbie. Rebel comes in to face Velvet but the BroMans break up a sunset flip attempt. Knux runs both of them over with a cross body, leaving Steeve against Velvet. Sky gets kissed and Steeve dives onto all three BroMans. Rebel slams her down but gets distracted by Angelina, allowing Velvet to roll her up with a handful of trunks for the pin at 4:40.

Rating: D. I’m in the minority but I actually like the Menagerie. Steeve continues to be worthless but at least Knux is good and Rebel is gorgeous. The BroMans hooking up with the Beautiful People is a decent enough idea and will probably lead to some decent jokes down the line. The wrestling wasn’t great but the expectations for this weren’t exactly high coming in.

Velvet Sky is a simple formula: a good looking woman in tight outfits who can wrestle a decent enough match. Her matches aren’t all that great but it’s not like that was ever the purpose in the first place. TNA tried to make it out to be a big deal when she won the Knockouts Title but it didn’t really work out all that well. Still though, she’s nice to look at and that’s the point of women’s wrestling more often than not.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Today is the less talkative member of the Legion of Doom: Animal.

As was the case with Hawk: I won’t be putting in regular tag matches and there are going to be some big gaps. We’ll start with Bunkhouse Stampede with Animal in a battle royal inside a cage.

Bunkhouse Stampede

Dusty Rhodes, Tully Blanchard, Ivan Koloff, The Warlord (wearing a Lifeguard shirt for no apparent reason), Arn Anderson, Lex Luger, The Barbarian, Animal.

Dusty gets a big entrance of course with all his accomplishments listed. Did I mention he was booking at the time? Seriously, ONLY DUSTY had anything listed about him, including the match he won to qualify here, his world title reigns, his US Title reigns, and his TV Title reigns. No one else got anything but their normal entrances. This could get bad fast. All eight are in there at once. There aren’t any weapons like promised or anything.

Remember, it’s a battle royal in a cage where you have to throw them over the ropes or through the door. My goodness this is idiotic. Apparently it’s unheard of for someone to win three straight Bunkhouse Stampedes. That could be because this is THE THIRD ONE! Wow Dusty lowered some IQs. Everyone is in some screwed up street clothes of some kind and this is just idiotic.

Apparently the referee has to determine if a guy goes over the cage or through the door, since that’s overly complicated I guess. Wow shoving people OVER A CAGE looks stupid. See, when it was a regular battle royal, IT MADE SENSE. Blanchard and Anderson work together of course. Barbarian, Warlord and Koloff are in the same stable mind you so they’ll likely work together. Koloff and Dusty climb the cage due to idiocy.

I’m watching people try to throw PEOPLE over a cage. Does that sound stupid to you or is it just me? How hard would it be to throw someone that is fighting back over a cage wall? Because to me, IT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE. Also, there are a lot of people walking around on the top ropes which is just freaking stupid too. No one is out or anything yet.

Arn saves himself from being thrown out the door as I realize how much this sounds like a really bad comedy sketch. Koloff is bleeding. Winner gets half a million dollars. Not sure if I said that or not but I don’t want to stop the tape long enough to go back and read it. I feel sorry for Ross and Caudle trying to make this sound interesting or intense or whatever it’s supposed to be.

Luger and Dusty just go off as we’re supposed to believe that a guy that is built like Dusty is supposed to be in the same kind of condition as a stallion like Luger. Right. Oh yeah, and keep in mind this whole cowboy southern thing is in NEW YORK CITY. They continue to try to make this sound good and it’s just failing. Wow this was ten days before I was born and 12 before Hogan lost the world title to Andre. Holy goodness that’s weird to think about.

Still no one out and we’re almost 15 minutes into this. It’s mainly just people in jeans hitting people with belts and boots. Yeah it’s riveting in case you can’t tell. Dusty’s arm is bleeding from being worked over with a belt. Make this stop please. Animal tries to shove Anderson over the top. I want to break this match.

Koloff, like an idiot, although at this time he’s one of two former world champions in there somehow, climbs over the cage to get away from Animal and gets knocked out to take us down to seven. Oh sweet mercy kill me now. So let’s just keep the camera on Koloff FOREVER as we see the EPIC DRAMA of him standing up. Animal and Warlord fight to the door and Warlord gets knocked to the door. Animal gets kicked in the head by Barbarian and it knocks both guys out in a stupid looking spot.

We have Dusty, Luger, Anderson, Blanchard and Barbarian left. Blanchard gets put in the Rack which at least hurts him. Some fan shouts about how gay this is. Thanks for that. Luger takes a Gourdbuster and the Horsemen try to throw him out. Since Luger didn’t have any gourds on him though, he was fine and stays in.

Anderson, Luger and Blanchard fight by the door and they all go out after like three minutes of fighting. Arn at one point stood on the third step and choked Luger. Yeah he deserved to lose. So we have Barbarian vs. Dusty. Any bets on who wins here? Barbarian gets some brass knuckles and pops Dusty with them. Barbarian hits like three of his top rope headbutt finishers but Dusty fights back baby!

They climb to the top rope for the epic move known as the OH DANG THIS MATCH MAKES NO SENSE SO LET’S CLIMB UP SO WE CAN HAVE A REASON TO GET THROWN OVER THE CAGE! Yep, Dusty wins by hitting the elbow to the head and we’re done. Earl Hebner is the referee here but would be in WWF in 12 days for the famous twin angle. Dusty gets a big bronze cowboy boot. Give me a FREAKING BREAK!

We hear about Dusty was considering retiring before this but came back “for the people.” So he was about to leave and came back for the people. So apparently by coming back for the people, he just had to come up with a PPV for himself and put himself over in it. Sure why not.

Rating: F. There was a cage match with a battle royal going on. This was a MASSIVE love letter from Dusty to Dusty. This was all about getting him even FURTHER over and making things look even stupider. Somehow Dusty was the wildcard and the favorite at the same time. He’s US Champion already but was going to retire. I give up. Just a joke of a main event and a show.

Here’s a six man tag from Capital Combat.

Road Warriors/Norman the Lunatic vs. Cactus Jack/Kevin Sullivan, Bam Bam Bigelow

Norman the Lunatic is more commonly known as Bastion Booger. This is a weird pairing of six guys if there has ever been one. Oliver Humperdink is here too as Bigelow’s manager and is bare-chested. This is just strange on all levels and I have no idea what the point of this is supposed to be. The LOD comes out on Harleys while Norman has to walk behind them. That sums up this match nicely.

How funny is it that of all these people, Cactus Jack was the most successful? Cactus is very young at this point and has nothing going for him. Norman is allegedly an escaped mental patient. That sums things up very well. Animal and the future four time world champion start us off. Animal is MOVING out there. He does two leap frogs and drops low at great speed. This is just weird to see but interesting I’d say.

Hawk vs. Bigelow. Oh dear. Bigelow is sleeveless here which is a strange look for him. This could set selling back a thousand years. Hawk gets the best dropkick he’s ever thrown, hitting Bam Bam square in the face. Sullivan comes in, looks at Hawk, and tags out. Instead he gets Norman. For him imagine Eugene meets Bigelow. See what I mean? In a painful looking spot, Hawk throws the (wooden) steps at Jack where they just bounce off his back while he’s bent over.

OW even if they’re fake. They all take their turns beating on Norman and Sullivan just looks completely out of place in this. Bigelow backdrops Norman. Imagine that one if you can. Norman hits a clothesline on Cactus and just falls on his hip. That sums things up for him quite well I’d think. A big old brawl breaks out as Hawk hits the top rope clothesline on Sullivan for the pin.

Rating: D+. Not bad I guess, but at the same time when the best technician is Kevin Sullivan, you’re in trouble. This was to get the crowd going though and I think it worked ok for what it was. That and I can’t imagine they expected this to be a great match or anything, so I’ll let it slide I guess.

Off to the WWF now at Survivor Series 1990.

The Warriors vs. The Perfect Team

Ultimate Warrior, Texas Tornado, Legion of Doom

Mr. Perfect, Demolition

I guess this team isn’t as Ultimate as last year. This is the three man version of Demolition. Perfect is feuding with Tornado (Kerry Von Erich, the IC Champion) and the LOD is feuding with Demolition after the LOD cost them the titles. Warrior, the world champion, is there because he has nothing else to do. His team is in the back before the match and says they’ll win. Actually the name Warriors is appropriate as you have the Ultimate Warrior, the Modern Day Warrior (Von Erich’s nickname in WCCW) and the Road Warriors (the LOD’s NWA name).

I’ll never get why the LOD and Demolition never had a big proper match. They fought on house shows but that’s about it. Perfect immediately goes to the apron and lets part of Demolition start. It’s Animal vs. Smash first and they fight immediately with Animal taking him to the mat. Animal throws him into Hawk for a right hand and the other Warriors get in a shot as well.

Smash comes back with a powerslam for two and it’s off to Perfect. That doesn’t last long so here’s Smash again, and he walks right into a powerslam. Everything breaks down and the Warriors clear the ring. Tornado comes in to face Smash who is taking a beating in this so far. Off to Ax who has much better luck for about ten seconds. There’s the Claw from Tornado but for some reason Warrior gets the tag and hits a series of awkward looking shoulder blocks before finishing Ax with the splash.

Crush immediately comes in to jump Warrior and take over. Smash comes in to slam Warrior and Crush drops a top rope knee for two. Perfect is freaking out in his trademark over the top style. Warrior gets up a boot in the corner and clotheslines Crush down. Off to Hawk who always looks like he could murder someone in the ring. Perfect tries him out and is immediately slammed down.

Hawk counters a reversal to send Perfect into the corner but Bird Man’s shoulder goes into the post HARD to give the evil ones the advantage. Demolition pounds away on him but Hawk punches right back. A big flying shoulder puts Smash down and Hawk doesn’t tag when he has the chance. The top rope clothesline kills Smash and everything breaks down. Hawk kicks the referee and somehow this disqualifies Hawk, Animal, Smash and Crush. We’re down to Perfect vs. Warrior/Tornado.

It’s going to be Warrior starting the handicap match but Perfect wants Tornado instead. Perfect immediately jumps him and is clotheslined out almost immediately after the jumping. Warrior bangs Perfect’s head into Heenan’s and sends Bobby into the front row. Tornado charges at Perfect and slams into the post to give Perfect the advantage for a bit. A buckle gets exposed somewhere in there and after Tornado’s face goes into it, the Perfectplex makes it one on one.

Perfect tries the Plex again on Warrior which doesn’t work at all. Instead he hammers Warrior down and hits a great looking dropkick for two. Having Perfect run things out there for as long as possible is the best idea they’ve got. Warrior starts grabbing the ropes and shrugging off all the offense from Perfect. A shoulder block and the splash get the final pin.

Rating: D. This was probably the worst Survivor Series match so far in the four years they’ve been running this show. Not only was the match lopsided from the start, but half of the people in it were gone seven minutes in. Perfect never had a chance and Warrior had no reason to be in this match at all.

We’ll jump way ahead now to WCW with Animal in the Lord of the Ring compeititon at Slamboree 1996.

Battlebowl First Round: Animal/Booker T vs. Hawk/Lex Luger

Love that Iron Man music. Dusty is excited. This was one of his bright ideas. Wow a tag team is fighting each other. What are the odds of that??? Luger is a face now in case you’re keeping track. If you are, I feel very sorry for you. Tony suggests 100 million people are watching this PPV broadcast and are listening in English. That’s most amusing.

Ok so the first round has 8 matches and then there’s ANOTHER round of tag matches. The winners of the second round of matches go to the battle royal. Ok then. Luger and Animal start us off. The commentary is somehow stupider than usual. Luger is a tag champion here along with Sting. Hawk hasn’t come in yet. Booker hits a Spinarooni which has no official name yet. Luger is TV Champion here too. Hawk and Luger get into it and we have the massive brawl. That’s a double countout. Hawk was never in the match.

Rating: D-. For these matches, I’m starting at a D rather than a C like I usually do. This was quick and boring if nothing else, but it gives me a very bad feeling about the rest of the show. Also, was there a point to the double countout? Die they really need to avoid both teams going to the battle royal?

Back to the WWF with Wrestlemania XIII.

Nation of Domination vs. Legion of Doom/Ahmed Johnson

Chicago street fight. It’s Crush/Faarooq/Savio Vega plus a bunch of unnamed lackeys forming the Nation at this point. They bring out every weapon you could think of for this match between about the nine people they have here. Ahmed has the spikes on too and they bring the kitchen sink with them. Ok point for a funny idea. It’s a big brawl to start (and will continue to be that way) with the good guys beating up the lackeys.

Faarooq hits Animal in the back with a nightstick and Ahmed hits a big dive over the barricade to take out I think Savio. I’m not going to be able to call everything here so expect a lot to be missed. Ahmed crushes Crush with a trashcan as Hawk has a 2×4 to stalk Savio with. Animal tries a piledriver on Faarooq through a table but they just fall off to the side instead. The fans chant for the LOD and Animal blasts Faarooq with a fire extinguisher. Savio cleans house with a trashcan but gets it wrapped around him and blasted by Hawk.

Ahmed slams Faarooq through the table from earlier and there goes the fire extinguisher again. Now we get a big rope with a noose on it to hang Ahmed. The Nation is too big and powerful for LOD and Ahmed to fight off. Hawk comes back with a double clothesline to Jerry’s shock. It was an actual wrestling move! Ahmed gets out of the noose and beats up D-Lo Brown for a bit. Animal hits Faarooq with a parking sign as Savio throws Ahmed over the barricade.

Crush finds a wrench from somewhere to blast Animal with as Faarooq is pulled to the floor by the rope. They’re clearly starting to get tired now. Hawk sprays the Nation down with the extinguisher again but the lackeys save Faarooq from the Pearl River Plunge. Crush gets caught in the Doomsday Device out of nowhere before getting hit by a 2×4 for the pin.

Rating: B-. You know what, why not. This was a FIGHT and it worked quite well. They didn’t try to make this anything but a street fight and that’s what they gave us. This wasn’t good or quality or anything but it was certainly fun and exactly what it was advertised as. Good stuff here and the second best match of the night so far.

More elimination stuff at Survivor Series 1997.

Team Legion of Doom vs. Nation of Domination

Legion of Doom, Ken Shamrock, Ahmed Johnson

Farrooq, The Rock, Kama Mustafa, D’Lo Brown

The LOD and company talk about being ready for war. The LOD are tag champions. Hawk and Brown start with D’Lo bouncing off Hawk. Hawk no sells a piledriver as is his custom and a neckbreaker puts Brown down. Off to Rocky who gets knocked around but someone hits Hawk in the back and the yet to be named Rock Bottom eliminates Bird Man.

Off to Ahmed who “hits” a jumping back elbow to take Rock down. Kama, a freaking monster who would become a pimp named Godfather, is in next and takes Johnson down with one shot. Farrooq is in next to work on Ahmed’s ribs and continue a feud that went on for like a year. Brown whips Ahmed with a belt which the referee somehow doesn’t hear. Farrooq loads up the Dominator but Johnson escapes (while falling down) and hits a Pearl River Plunge (Tiger Driver) for the elimination.

Brown comes in again and hits a quick Low Down for no cover. Johnson starts no selling and hits a sitout gordbuster. Farrooq is still at ringside. Rock comes in but walks into a spinebuster. Ahmed hits the ropes but Farrooq trips him up and holds the foot so Rocky can get the pin. It’s Animal/Shamrock vs. Brown/Rocky/Kama at the moment. Animal comes in to face Rocky but it’s quickly off to Shamrock. Ken is still somewhat new here so his style still looks fresh.

A big dropkick puts Rocky down and it’s off to Kama. After getting beaten around for a bit, Kama puts on a front facelock to slow things down. A double clothesline puts both guys down but not for long. Some LOUD noise freaks everyone out and JR and King don’t know what it was either. Anyway Animal gets two off a legdrop but gets kicked in the face for his efforts. Kama showboats a bit too much though and Animal dropkicks him in the back and gets a rollup for the pin.

Brown comes in and during the distraction, Rocky hits Shamrock low for two. D’Lo hooks a chinlock followed by a backbreaker, but his moonsault misses by about two feet. The Outlaws come out while wearing the stolen LOD shoulder pads, and we’ve got powder and a shoved referee. Animal gets counted out during this mess, leaving us with Brown/Rock vs. Shamrock.

JR talks about how many people Shamrock has made tap out. Jerry: “This is wrestling. You don’t win by making people tap out.” JR: “…….YEAH YOU DO!” Brown starts but it’s both Nation members in there at once. Shamrock runs them both over, suplexes Brown and gets the submission via ankle lock. Rock cracks Ken in the back with a chair shot but it only gets two. Rock hits his spinning DDT for two as does the People’s Elbow (not a thing yet). Ken comes back with a northern lights suplex and a standing hurricanrana. There’s the ankle lock and Rocky is done.

Rating: C. This was a little messy but it pushed Shamrock hard while the heat for Rocky was INSANE. The crowd hated him and Vince certainly took notice. Both of these guys would get huge pushes in the next year with Rock winning the title at next year’s Survivor Series. The LOD were in their very last run of note here and they didn’t go out well after that. Fun match here although not great from a technical standpoint at all.

Here’s a match with Hawk’s replacement, Droz, on Raw, June 1, 1998.

LOD 2000 vs. Disciples of Apocolypse

This is a street fight and you can see the sky out back. There’s a referee out there for some reason and I really hope this is the blowoff. This isn’t a match at all so I’m not going to try to call it like one. Hawk swings a big metal pole at Skull but misses. They’re slowing down a lot now as you would expect. Animal goes off on 8-Ball with a trashcan. Droz and Chainz are the only ones left up and Taker arrives at the arena in street clothes and beats them both up. This was by no means a wrestling anything so no rating.

Another six man at In Your House XXV.

Disciples of Apocalypse vs. LOD 2000

This is a six man tag with Droz and Paul Ellering joining the regular teams. The LOD are the hometown boys and therefore more over than usual. This is Hawk’s return match after suffering from “personal problems”, meaning he’s the official alternate for the team at the moment. Animal starts with Skull but an 8-Ball distraction lets Skull get in some cheap shots to take over. Animal comes back with a clothesline and a forearm to 8-Ball to clear the DOA out of the ring.

Off to Hawk vs. 8-Ball with the biker pounding away until he gets caught in a neckbreaker for two. Droz gets the tag but is taken down almost immediately and stomped on in the corner. A series of elbows to the head puts Droz down and it’s off to Skull who is caught by a jumping clothesline. 8-Ball breaks up the tag and Ellering is able to come in for some cheap shots. Droz finally catches Skull with a DDT and makes the hot tag off to Hawk as everything breaks down. 8-Ball takes the Doomsday Device but Droz comes in to steal the pin, much to Hawk’s annoyance.

Rating: D. These teams need to stop feuding already as the matches aren’t working most of the time and the storyline with LOD splitting up isn’t interesting. They’re one of those teams that just don’t work apart and splitting them up wasn’t going to work. DOA was decent as a team but were never going to be anything important.

Here’s one of the last matches in this run on Raw, November 16, 1998.

Edge/Gangrel vs. Droz/Animal

Edge gets knocked to the floor very quickly and Gangrel is double backdropped. Droz and Gangrel (what great names there were back then) start us off and it’s off to Edge for a dropkick to the back. A move that would be tweaked and called Poetry in Motion by the Hardys keeps Droz in trouble but he pulls out a powerslam for two. Here’s Hawk on the stage and he climbs the Titantron. Animal and Droz go out to get him and it’s a countout.

After a break Animal and Droz are trying to talk Hawk down. Hawk yells about Droz and even Paul Ellering is out here to talk him down. Ellering tells a story about Hawk’s mother and Hawk tells him to shut up. Droz goes up after Hawk and appears to shove him off the Tron. This would lead to an angle that would somehow get more uncomfortable later on.

For some reason that can only be explained by WCW, Animal was brought in as a surprise mystery guy. Here he is at Sin.

WCW World Title: Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Scott Steiner vs. ???

Flair comes out after the three known people and says the Mystery Man will be here later. Steiner goes after Flair but Jarrett stops him. Sid is in jean shorts here instead of full tights like he was last month. Sid clears the ring and hammers away on both of them for awhile. Jarrett is trying to give up the match apparently. Oh dear. Steiner falls trying to get out of the ring which sums up the whole thing perfectly.

Steiner gets the clothesline, the elbow and the pushups. Sid is sent into the front row and Jarrett adds a Stunner onto the railing. Steiner adds a belt shot to the face as you wonder now why Jarrett doesn’t lay down in the ring and let Steiner get the quick pin to retain. Apparently that would have been a better idea as Sid fights back. Can’t powerbomb Jarrett though and the beatdown continues.

They beat down Sid and Jarrett is told to cover him by Steiner. The announcers think there’s something going on here. Sid fights back and this a double suplex which was rather impressive in theory. He more or less DDTed Steiner and suplexed Jarrett. Here’s the comeback as Sid hits a bunch of clotheslines and a chokeslam on Jarrett for two.

Cobra clutch slam puts Steiner down and Sid follows Jarrett to the floor. Jarrett is sent to the front row and we cut to the back to see Flair bring someone out of the limo from earlier who looks like he’s in a Jason Vorhees mask. We cut back to the arena…..and Sid has broken his leg to the point where it looks like a twisty straw.

The problem now is that they can’t do anything because Sid can’t move and they can’t touch him and since Steiner and Jarrett are friends they can’t do anything. Flair’s music FINALLY comes on and the mystery dude is here. There’s a trainer in the ring already to check on Sid so you can tell how bad it is. The Mystery Man comes in and kicks Sid in the head so Steiner can pin him to end this.

Rating: D. That’s not factoring in the ending because clearly that’s not what they had planned as Sid was injured so badly he wouldn’t wrestle for about a year. The match up to that point was pretty weak though as we were just waiting on the mystery dude to get there, making it a lame duck match. Anyway, weak match to end a weak end of the show.

And the Mystery Man is Road Warrior Animal, making the whole thing a bigger joke than it already was. This resulted in the debut of the next super heel stable: the Magnificent Seven, which was comprised of Flair, the Steiners, Luger, Bagwell, Animal and Jarrett. And you wonder why they went out of business.

Animal would go back to WWE for a little while after Hawk passed away. We’ll start at Great American Bash 2005 with the new Legion of Doom.

Smackdown Tag Titles: MNM vs. Heidenreich/Animal

This is Heidenreich/Animal since Hawk died a few years ago. I think this is because of the LOD DVD. Despite MNM being an awesome tag team and the champions (and the predecessors to Miz/Morrison), what do you think is going to happen here? Heidenreich doesn’t have spikes because he’d have to earn them. They’re called Legion of Doom but they changed the music so I don’t consider them a team. Heidenreich runs off Mercury to start and then does the same to Morrison.

Animal throws him back in and Animal gets a big pop. A double suplex puts the champions down and man there’s a gut on him. This is a total squash so far. FINALLY the champions double team Heidenreich and take his knees out. Mercury works on the knee and the announcers try to compare Heidenreich, the guy that raped Cole remember, to Hawk. Morrison misses a cannonball down onto the knee so it’s back to Mercury. This is REALLY boring stuff. After he cleans house, a title shot to the head gets two. Snapshot is broken up and the Doomsday Device gives the not-LOD the titles.

Rating: D. There was zero reason to put this on PPV and it wasn’t a good match in the slightest. They were trying to go for the LOD formula of total domination, but the non-matching tights and the lack of anything resembling charisma (or talent) by Heidenreich kept that from working. Bad TV match and an awful PPV match. Somehow they would hold the titles for THREE MONTHS.

This set up a six man at No Mercy 2005.

MNM vs. Legion of Doom/Christy Hemme

This is Animal/Heidenreich which never worked at all. They’re the tag champions here. My goodness Christy was gorgeous. She took a Snapshot on Smackdown so she’s injured coming in. Animal has a taped up shoulder too. Heidenreich pulls Nitro in and the beating is on before he can even take the fur coat off. Heidenreich is all fired up and hits a three point clothesline for two. Off to the large gut with the Animal attached but Mercury gets in a kick to the shoulder to take over.

He keeps kicking at it and knocks Heidenreich to take draw him in. MNM hits the Snapshot on Animal very quickly but it only gets two because of the delay in getting to the cover. Mercury snaps the shoulder over the top rope to let Nitro get two. The double team continues and Animal is in trouble. Neckbreaker gets two. Mercury goes up but jumps into an almost powerslam for two. Everything breaks down and Melina tags herself in. She dives onto Animal and gets caught. Off to Christy for a bad Hart Attack and then a HORRIBLE rana. As in the legs were around Melina’s arms. Doomsday Device ends Melina.

Rating: D-. Christy Hemme is a fine example of a girl that looks good in tight pants and a black bra. She’s incredibly attractive and sexy, but but she had no business being in a wrestling ring as a competitor. It didn’t work for her at all and she was only in the ring for about 45 seconds. Again though, she’s there for her looks and those work very well.

Here’s a singles match on Smackdown, March 31, 2006.

Chris Benoit vs. Animal

Benoit’s US Title isn’t on the line. Animal takes him into the corner to start and slaps him in the face. Benoit comes back with chops and right hands to send Animal to the floor. He comes back in and is greeted with Rolling Germans, followed by the Crossface for the submission. Total squash.

That would be it for Animal as a regular guy but he would make a few appearances here and there, such as at Slammiversary 2007.

Tag Titles: Team 3D vs. Rick Steiner/???

And the mystery partner is….Road Warrior Animal. Yeah that’s it. The fans chanting it before he came out kind of hurt the shock a bit. Rick puts on his head gear post bell and it makes a huge difference. Rick vs. D-Von to start us off. I don’t think Scott is in the hospital. I think it’s more like he and Animal cooked him and had him for a late night snack. It would explain those guts on them.

Animal offers to come in and Rick waves him off. Nice partner dude. Oh ok there he is and Ray gets in his face. A piledriver is no sold and we have gimmick infringement from Hawk. I guess since he’s dead it’s ok. Back to Rick and they mistime something, as I think Ray was supposed to hit Rick as he hit the ropes but Rick stopped with zero contact at all. Off to Bubba legally and a neckbreaker gets two.

D-Von misses a middle rope headbutt and there’s the tag to Animal. Something I never get: why can a team that has never teamed together before like Steiner and Animal get a tag title match? There isn’t another team that can challenge the Dudleys? Animal cleans house and it’s back to Rick as everything breaks down. The challengers try to load up the Doomsday Device but Animal gets caught in the double neckbreaker and the 3D ends Rick.

Rating: D. These “dream” matches usually suck because by the time you get teams big enough to have a dream match, they’re old. To be fair though, there was almost no way Animal, who barely wrestled anymore, was going to be able to come out there and have a decent match. Scott may be old and slow but he’s active at least. Bad match, but understandably bad.

We’ll wrap it up with one more Legends appearance on Smackdown, July 20, 2012.

Heath Slater vs. Animal

Yes of the Road Warriors. Animal looks OLD. He isn’t fat but he has no muscle definition at all. The match runs 45 seconds and Animal wins with a powerslam and elbow drop.

Animal is the better in ring performer of the team but Hawk had far more charisma. That being said, Animal also is FAR easier to watch without Hawk than vice versa and probably a better performer as a whole. Still though, you’re going to be much better off watching a Road Warriors collection than either guy as a singles wrestler.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Monday Night Raw
Date: October 13, 2014
Location: Phillips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jerry Lawler

We had cancer week last week, so this time it’s REALITY WEEK! Tonight there are two reality stars appearing on the show with Nene Leakes of the Real Housewives of Atlanta and Todd Chrisley of Chrisley Knows Best. Why I’m supposed to care about either of these people is beyond me, but you and I both know they can’t top HODA’S CRAZY DANCE! Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the Authority making Ambrose vs. Cena for the right to face Rollins inside the Cell.

Here’s Ambrose to get things going. Dean says there’s nothing he’d like more than being locked inside the Cell with Seth Rollins. To be locked inside there with all that metal and steel so he can hurt Seth Rollins so bad that he wishes he never met Ambrose. But first there’s a certain fifteen time WWE Champion to deal with and here’s Cena to respond.

Cena says Ambrose needs to relax because the match is made and it’s in two weeks in Dallas. The people want to see it though because they know both guys have a chance to get their hands on Rollins. Cena offers a little advice: shut up until the pay per view and use the two weeks to get ready for the biggest match of his career when Cena breaks him.

Dean says thanks bit brother but he was born ready. Ambrose wants to drop Cena right now but John tells him to drop it because Ambrose is in way over his head. Dean drops the mic and cracks his knuckles but here’s the Authority. Short version: the match is on the Network in two weeks, it costs $9.99, they’re in a tag match against the Usos and the Dusts. The Authority even make a bet on if they’ll fight each other or not.

Goldust/Stardust vs. Usos vs. Dean Ambrose/John Cena

Dean and Jimmy get things going with Ambrose cranking on the arm. Off to Cena to stay on the armbar as the fans aren’t pleased with John. Jimmy slips over and tags in his brother who eats a clothesline for two. Cena and Ambrose keep working well together and don’t seem to have many issues with each other.

Jey slips out of the AA and grabs a top wristlock, only to get dropkicked back down. The slow arm work continues as the fans want Stardust. Ambrose finally gets in off the tag and hammers on Jimmy with right hands and the ReBound Clothesline to send him outside. Stardust gets in a shot of his own and we take a break.

Back with Stardust raking Jimmy’s back and tagging off to his corner for a double stomp in the corner. Stardust quickly comes back in and cranks on Jimmy’s arms. Jimmy finally sends the Dusts into each other but Goldust pulls Jey off the apron just in time. Ambrose goes after Goldust but Jey is able to tag in Cena.

John cleans house but Stardust flips out of the AA. Goldust comes in with a powerslam but Goldust eats a superkick. The double dive takes out the Dusts and Cena dives on all four of them. Ambrose won’t be left out and dives on all five for an even bigger crash. He throws Cena and Goldust inside where the makeshift team hits stereo finishers for the pin at 14:50.

Rating: C+. As usual with long tag matches like this, the match got way better after the break but the first part wasn’t any good. It was a bunch of boring arm work until we got to the second half where things sped up. Cena and Ambrose diving were nice visuals as it’s not something they bust out all that often. Good match but the first half is hard to sit through.

Post match the Authority comes out so HHH can pay off the bet ($1) to Stephanie. HHH thinks Ambrose and Cena really want to get at each other, so why not just do the contract match tonight? Cena and Ambrose stare each other down and the match is official.

We look at Big Show knocking Rusev out last month.

AJ Lee/Layla vs. Paige/Alicia Fox

AJ says she doesn’t like any of the Divas but she dislikes Layla the least. They can get along for one night at least. Alicia nails AJ with a quick tilt-a-whirl backbreaker before it’s off to Paige for some skipping. AJ chases her around but it’s quickly off to Alicia to miss a boot in the corner. Layla walks out on a tag attempt so AJ hits a quick Shining Wizard to pin Alicia at 1:51.

Layla gets beaten up for good measure.

We see Big Show ripping down the Russian flag.

Orton comes in to see the Authority and says he wants the loser of Ambrose and Cena. The bosses approve.

Rowan is free video.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton

Non-title and Cesaro is on commentary. Ziggler knocks him out to the floor to start and sends Orton face first into the steps. Back in and Orton gets two off a slam but walks into a dropkick. Orton knocks him back to the apron but gets pulled outside and sent into the barricade. They head back in again but Orton takes too long to gloat and gets dropkicked off the apron. Rollins comes out to the ramp with the briefcase for some reason and we take a break.

Back with Ziggler in a headlock and actually not fighting out immediately. A catapult sends Ziggler into the buckle for two and Orton puts him on the top rope for some headbutts. Dolph fights out of a superplex attempt but gets crotched before he can follow up. Now the superplex connects for two but Orton can barely follow up. Dolph makes his comeback with right hands and a running neckbreaker followed by an elbow drop for two.

Randy blocks a superkick and gets another two count off the snap powerslam. Ziggler counters the RKO (which was set up to a face pop), can’t hit the Fameasser and counters another RKO into the superkick for two. The Zig Zag is countered so Dolph tries the Fameasser, only to get countered into a powerbomb position. Orton throws him into the air and pulls him down into the RKO for the pin at 19:25. Rollins never was a factor.

Rating: B. That ending was awesome as Orton keeps coming up with creative ways to hit the RKO. It really seems like they’re setting up a face turn for him as he spent half the match playing to the crowd and may have been trying to outshine Rollins. It’s good stuff and I’ve always found Orton more interesting as a face than a heel. On the other hand, that’s Ziggler’s second clean loss in four days.

Post match Rollins gives Ziggler a Curb Stomp, likely setting up Ziggler’s third straight loss on Smackdown.

Seth Rollins vs. Jack Swagger

Rollins flips over Swagger’s shoulder to start and we’re already at a standoff. He misses a clothesline though and bails to the floor as we’ve barely had any contact yet. Swagger goes after Seth and gets his neck snapped across the top rope to finally get things going. Seth starts working on the arm and cranks on it a bit until Jack fights up with a clothesline. They head outside for another clothesline to Rollins but he gets in a shot of his own. Orton comes out to watch as Seth goes inside for a suicide dive to drop Swagger.

Back from a break with Rollins hitting a great looking enziguri for two and dropping some knees to the ribs. A kick to the back has Swagger in trouble but Rollins stops to yell at Orton. Seth cranks on the arm again but gets caught in a wheelbarrow suplex out of the corner for two. Swagger gets two more off the Vader Bomb before catching Rollins in the powerslam for another two count.

Jack takes out the knee and puts on the Patriot Lock, only to get rolled into the corner. Another Patriot Lock attempt is countered and the low superkick puts Jack down. The Curb Stomp is countered into another Patriot Lock but Seth makes the ropes. Seth is sent into the post but he counters a suplex into a rollup with a handful of tights for the pin at 15:05.

Rating: C+. Not a great match here but there’s only so much they can do with this concept. Rollins looked good and that’s all he was supposed to do so the match worked well enough. Swagger is the same guy he was before, which gets annoying at times but at least he has a fresh battery to absorb so many of his losses.

Orton RKOs Swagger post match and gets in Rollins face. They talk trash but no violence comes.

Ambrose says don’t expect him to be a nice guy tonight because that’s not his style. He’s bringing it to Cena and going off to get Rollins.

Big Show talks about how he’s going to fight for America tonight and how the weight of America is on his shoulders. That’s fine, because he has the biggest shoulders around.

Rusev vs. Big Show

Before the match Lana rips on America for celebrating Columbus Day and gets cheap heat off the Atlanta Braves. Rusev promises to crush Big Show and we’re ready to go. Show kicks him in the face to start and the USA chants begin. They head outside with Rusev being whipped into the barricade as it’s one sided so far. Some chops send Rusev back to the floor and Show steps on his head.

More chops (complete with the Braves’ Tomhawk Chop) start a USA chant until Rusev busts out a dropkick to stop Big Show cold. He nailed him right in the jaw too. Rusev stomps on the back and clotheslines Big Show out to the floor as we take a break. Back with Big Show slowly fighting out of a side choke but missing a middle rope elbow. Rusev puts on another choke but gets dropped by a slam. The KO Punch misses and Rusev kicks him in the ribs. The Accolade goes on and here’s Mark Henry. Mark gets knocked off the apron to break the hold but Rusev puts it right back on, drawing in Henry for the DQ at 14:09.

Rating: D+. This was slightly better than I was expecting and a minor miracle given how long it went. Big Show getting upset over this is going to be dull and it’s going to lead to Show vs. Henry yet again. Rusev hopefully gets to move on to someone other than a super heavyweight for awhile because there’s only so much more he can do against them.

Show seems to forgive Henry for what he did as the Russian flag comes down. Henry and Show surround the Russians so Rusev comes out swinging against Henry, only to get dropped by the KO Punch.

Sheamus hasn’t been feeling good since last week. The solution: two Brogue Kicks.

Ad for Chrisley Knows Best. The family is in the front row tonight and say how awesome it is to be here. They hype the new season and that’s about it. Simple and inoffensive plug for a show and nowhere near as bad as I was expecting.

Sheamus vs. The Miz

Non-title. Miz’s entrance now has the lights go out for a much better effect. Miz runs to start but decks Sheamus as they get back inside. Sheamus easily fights back and throws Miz onto Mizdow, who mimics everything Miz does, even throwing punches (albeit with the wrong arm). Miz cranks on a chinlock as the fans want Mizdow.

The pale one makes a comeback and hammers away in the corner but misses a knee in the corner. Miz kicks the knee out an dhits the short DDT for two. Sheamus knocks him out to the floor and Mizdow runs over and falls down and hold his knee right along with Miz. Both guys go under the ring and Sheamus pulls out the wrong one, giving Miz a countout win at 5:16.

Rating: D+. Mizdown is going to be another big face turn sa the fans are getting into him for how hard he’s working on this stunt double thing. Best of all, it’s something new that he’s done to revitalize his career after falling through the floor over the last year. I’m assuming Miz gets his title shot at the PPV.

The Total Divas go up to see the Real Housewife of Atlanta when the evil Total Divas show up. Cameron and the reality chick have a Diva off and that’s about it. I’m sure we’ll see more.

Nikki Bella/Cameron/Summer Rae vs. Brie Bella/Natalya/Naomi

Rosa is in the latter team’s corner and Nene Leakes comes out to join her. Natalya shoves Cameron into the corner to start as Cole recaps Total Divas from last night. The heels take over on Natalya with Nikki cranking on a front facelock. Summer misses a legdrop and Brie comes in off the ice cold tag. Everything breaks down and Brie flips out of the Rack and gets the pin off the Bella 3:41.

Rating: D. Figure this one out for yourselves. Next.

Cena gives his usual fired up promo talking about how the showdown with Ambrose is going to be violent and against the Authority’s wishes.

New Wyatt video with the Family disappearing and Bray talking about how she told him he’d never be alone. He’s going to leave a path of smoke and destruction throughout the world. He says it’s coming and smoke fills the barn as he sits in his rocking chair.

The Authority comes out to watch.

John Cena vs. Dean Ambrose

Contract on a pole and the Authority, Rollins, Orton and Kane are all at ringside. Ambrose stomps away in the corner to start but Cena easily stops his climb. Four straight suplexes drop Ambrose but he blocks Cena’s bulldog. Dean has a chance at the contract but goes outside to slug it out with Cena. He suplexes Cena on the stage but messes up his own back, allowing Cena to get down to the ring for an electric chair save.

Both finishers are countered and Cena puts on the STF. Ambrose finally figures out to bite the hand to escape and dropkicks Cena to the floor. He still doesn’t climb and launches a suicide dive instead but goes over to nail Kane for some reason. The Authority is about to fight Ambrose but Cena nails Dean and throws him into the Authority. Orton comes in and goes after Cena (no DQ remember) as everyone gets inside. Ambrose sends Rollins outside and Kane eats an AA, allowing Dan to grab the contract for the win at 6:27.

Rating: C-. This was a mess but they had to protect both guys. It’s not a terrible match or anything but it wasn’t meant to be anything more than a way to set up the two Cell matches. And yes, one of those matches is going to be Cena vs. Orton XXXIV or so. Seriously I don’t think that’s much of an exaggeration.

The two matches stare each other down to end the show.

Overall Rating: B. This was the opposite of last week with a HEAVY focus on wrestling and very little stupid stuff. Yeah there’s the Divas stuff with the reality chick but that was about five minutes combined. I was dreading the reality stuff all night and the show actually won me over with some long matches and good seeds being planted for future stories. Really solid show this week and a huge relief after last week’s disaster.

Results

John Cena/Dean Ambrose b. Usos and Goldust/Stardust – AA to Goldust

AJ Lee/Layla b. Alicia Fox/Paige – Shining Wizard to Fox

Randy Orton b. Dolph Ziggler – RKO

Seth Rollins b. Jack Swagger – Rollup with a handful of tights

Rusev b. Big Show via DQ when Mark Henry interfered

Miz b. Sheamus via DQ when Mark Henry interfered

Brie Bella/Naomi/Natalya b. Nikki Bella/Cameron/Summer Rae – Bella Buster to Nikki Bella

Dean Ambrose b. John Cena – Ambrose pulled down the contract

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

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Bound For Glory 2014
Date: October 12, 2014
Location: Korakuen Hall, Tokyo, Japan
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz

Official subtitle: TNA sends its B team to Japan for a tape delayed Wrestle-1 show with matches first mentioned on TV four days ago that has nothing to do with current storylines that they have the nerve to ask you to pay $50 for while shouting about how this is all about giving the fans the best. FEEL THE ELECTRICITY! Let’s get to it.

The opening video talks about how this is a night unlike any other and how the biggest stars of both promotions are going at it. We also get a video on the Muta vs. Sanada feud.

The arena isn’t very big and only holds about 2,000 people.

JB welcomes us to the show and we’re ready to go.

Manik vs. Minoru Tanaka

It’s back in a four sided ring. Feeling out process to start until Tanaka scores with a nice dropkick. Manik comes right back by sending him out to the floor but misses a plancha. He goes under the ring though and sneaks up on Tanaka for a neckbreaker. A dropkick gets two for Manik and he cranks on the arm while holding a chinlock.

Tanaka gets suplexed down for two as Tenay talks about Manik being the youngest non-Japanese wrestler to ever perform in New Japan. There’s something close to a story here as Tanaka used to mentor Manik at the start of his career. Not that there’s any hostility or anything but they did know each other before this. A missile dropkick and knee drop get two for Tanaka but Manik dropkicks him back to the floor. Tanaka blocks another dive with a kick to the face and hits a middle rope moonsault to send Manik into the barricade.

Back in and Manik avoids a charge and hits another missile dropkick before throwing him into the air for a kick to the face. Tanaka gets his knees up to block a frog splash before yet another running dropkick sends Manik into the corner. A superplex into a hiptoss gets two on Manik as the fans are finally getting into this. They trade some nice rollups until Manik plants him with a brainbuster for another near fall. Manik gets the same off a gutbuster but walks into a kick to the head followed by a cross armbreaker for the submission at 9:57.

Rating: B-. This was actually a solid back and forth match but it sums up the problem with this entire show: I have no reason to care about these guys and the entire show is going to be based on the action. Something tells me the rest of the card isn’t going to be this solid, and this match wasn’t even all that great. Still though, good opener.

We’ll be looking at great moments in Team 3D’s history, starting with Slammiversary 2006 against Rick Steiner and Animal. They couldn’t even get one of the 3D vs. Steiners matches? We see the last three minutes or so.

Ethan Carter III talks about stabbing Spud in the heart with his words on Wednesday. Spud knew he was on borrowed time when he allowed Dixie to be sent through a table. Ethan has a replacement for Spud though and he’ll debut on Wednesday. He’s ready to start EC3 Year 2 with a win over a former sumo wrestler tonight.

We recap Ethan’s rookie year in TNA where he still hasn’t submitted or been pinned.

Ethan Carter III vs. Ryota Hama

Before the match Ethan is pleased with the respect the fans show him here. He speaks “Japanese”, meaning very slow English, talking about how he’s rich, undefeated and good. Carter talks about beating every TNA Hall of Famer at their own game so he’s going to slam Hama tonight. He says slam ham over and over again and declares himself huge in Japan.

Hama is disturbingly fat and dresses exactly like Rikishi. He powers Carter into the corner with ease of course so Carter bails to the floor. Tenay tries to give us a brief history of Japanese wrestling as Carter gets dropped with a shoulder block. Back in and Hama runs him over out of a sumo position but misses a big fat splash. Carter of course can’t slam him and a big elbow drop gets two. A running Umaga attack in the corner gets the same but Hama misses a seated senton. Carter still can’t slam him and Hama falls on top for two. We get the required Stink Face but Carter comes back with a 1%er for the pin at 6:00.

Rating: D. Remember when I said it wasn’t going to stay as good as the opener? I was correct earlier than I thought with this standard comedy match. Go back and watch any given Rikishi match and you’ve seen the same match you got here. Nothing to see here but at least Carter won.

Team 3D vs. Beer Money from Lockdown 2009.

MVP talks about how awesome the Japanese wrestlers are and how they put fear in the hearts of sports entertainers. He doesn’t know much about Sakamoto but the little bit he’s seen hasn’t impressed him. Tonight though, Sakamoto will be impressed.

MVP vs. Kazma Sakamoto

Remember Tensai’s worshipper? Well he returns here as a, ahem, star. MVP is the huge face here due to his time in New Japan. He takes Sakamoto down as Tenay recaps Sakamoto’s time in WWE. Sakamoto runs from MVP as we really haven’t had a ton of contact yet. MVP gets in a shot to knock Sakamoto out to the floor as Tenay’s history lessons continue.

Back in and MVP drops some knees on the face for two but Sakamoto comes back with uppercuts. A few kicks to the legs have MVP in trouble and we hit the chinlock. Back up and Sakamoto misses the Ballin Elbow and gets clotheslined in the corner. MVP nips up and hits the real Ballin Elbow followed by a fisherman’s suplex for two. Sakamoto misses a running knee and gets his leg kicked out, setting up a Shining Wizard for the pin at 8:02.

Rating: C-. Nothing special here as it was just a step above a squash for MVP. Sakamoto never posed a threat here and MVP was over like free beer in a frat house. This was another short match that didn’t mean anything and was there for the live crowd instead of the PPV crowd, but that’s the case for the entire card.

Samoa Joe talks about how awesome the X-Division is and how tough a night his opponents are in.

X-Division Title: Samoa Joe vs. Kaz Hayashi vs. Low Ki

Joe is defending. Hayashi is probably best known in America as a low level cruiserweight guy about fourteen years ago. Ki takes over to start but Joe crushes both guys in the corner and kicks Kaz in the head. There’s the chop to Hayashi’s back but he fires off right hands to the champ’s face and knocks Joe to the floor. The fans are behind Low Ki as he kicks both guys down and gets two on Joe. Both challengers head to the floor and get taken out by a big dive as we see the crowd sitting still yet chanting at the same time.

Back in and Low Ki chops at Joe but the champ busts out his powerbomb into the crab into the STF until Hayashi remembers he’s in this match and puts Joe in a Crossface without breaking the hold on Ki. Hayashi hits a kind of Zig Zag for two on Joe with Ki making the save. A quick Warrior’s Way gets two on Kaz and they head outside so Joe can nail a double dive. Back in and Kaz charges into a Rock Bottom out of the corner but Low Ki breaks up the MuscleBuster. That earns him a Koquina Clutch and Ki passes out to retain Joe’s title at 10:30.

Rating: C+. Not bad for the most part here but it didn’t mean anything for the most part. This was the same three way style match TNA has done a dozen times with Hayashi just being a warm body to fill out the match. The fact that the winner was already spoiled with the TV tapings didn’t help either.

Joe thanks the fans in Japanese and says they’re here to bring the world together for the fans. He is Samoa Joe and he is professional wrestling.

Another great Team 3D moment: putting Dixie through a table.

Dreamer says he’s going to do the hardcore thing one more time with Team 3D. He looks like he’s about to cry because that’s all Tommy Dreamer does anymore.

Jiro Kuroshio/Yusuke Kodama vs. Andy Wu/El Hijo del Pantera

Wrestle-1 match and I have no idea who any of these guys are. Wu, a guy that moves a lot, starts with Kuroshio and Andy ducks a kick to the face. Kuroshio wrestles in a jacket for some reason. Off to Kodama and Pantera for a gymnastics demonstration capped off by a hurricanrana from Pantera. An armdrag puts Kodama on the floor for a big flip dive from Pantera. Back in and Kuroshio slams Pantera down and adjusts his hair during the cover.

Kuroshio gets two more off a standing corkscrew moonsault but stops to check his hair. Back to Kodama for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two on Pantera as this just keeps going. Pantera finally crawls over for the hot tag and Wu speeds things up a bit with flips. Kodama gets double teamed into a 619 for two from Pantera. Wu dives over the top onto Kuroshio and Kodama kicks Patnera in the face for two. Kuroshio hits a big flip dive to take out Wu and Kodama nails a corkscrew moonsault for the pin on Pantera at 9:20.

Rating: C+. Well that happened. I still have almost no idea who any of these people are and I have almost no reason to care about any of them but, Kuroshio does indeed wrestle in a jacket. It was your regular cruiserweight style tag match and odds are I won’t remember it in about fifteen minutes.

Video on Team 3D’s career and how much they deserve to be in the Hall of Fame.

We see Tommy Dreamer’s induction speech and, say it with me, he cries. Team 3D doesn’t have a ton to say here other than how hard they’ve worked to get here and how glad they are to be here. You would think they could at least throw on a suit though.

Team 3D vs. Tommy Dreamer/Abyss

No stipulations here for a change. I’m sure the rules will be enforced too. Dreamer has a headband on to pay homage to Terry Funk. Long intros fill even more time and the fans want tables. Ray speaks some Japanese and we get handshakes from everyone but Abyss. Dreamer and D-Von do some basic stuff to start before it’s off to Abyss and Ray. Tenay gets on my nerves even more by talking about the Full Metal Mayhem match from Impact. They slug it out very slowly until Ray nails a Rock Bottom.

Abyss pops up with a chokeslam but Ray pops up. Ray avoids a splash and D-Von comes in to clothesline Abyss out to the floor. The reverse 3D plants Dreamer as they’re still in about second gear. Dreamer takes What’s Up and it’s table time. The tables are much smaller here and we get the required ECW chant. The fight heads outside and Abyss rings the bell on Ray’s head. They fight around the arena and now it’s time for all of the weapons.

We get duels with chairs and kendo sticks but Dreamer DDTs Ray as Abyss chokeslams D-Von. Dreamer is thrown into a trashcan in the corner and the Black Hole Slam gets two on Ray. Abyss nails him in the ribs with a few chair shots but D-Von hits his spinebuster for two on Abyss. D-Von goes up to drive Abyss through a table, only to have Ray powerbomb Dreamer through it instead. Abyss busts out the tacks and walks into 3D onto said tacks for no cover. Dreamer brings in the cane and takes a 3D of his own for the pin at about 13:00.

Rating: D+. This show is getting old in a hurry. This was the same hardcore brawl we’ve seen a dozen times before with nothing new and no doubt as to who was going to win. Tenay mentioning the great Full Metal Mayhem match makes me want to just go find a copy of that match instead, which is a really bad sign for your biggest show of the year.

Post match Team 3D says they love Japan

Velvet says this is her first time in Japan (it isn’t even her first time this year) and says she isn’t afraid of Havok.

We recap Havok winning the Knockouts Title.

Knockouts Title: Havok vs. Velvet Sky

Velvet is challenging and is suddenly a face over here. Havok is from Defiance, Ohio. Velvet fires off kicks to start and hits a few middle rope ax handles. The champ comes back with shoulders in the corner and a backbreaker. Off to a bearhug followed by a slam but Velvet fights back with almost no effect. A headscissors puts Havok down and a middle rope cross body gets two. Not that it matters as Havok grabs another bearhug for the submission at 6:00.

Rating: C-. This actually wasn’t half bad with Velvet fighting instead of getting squashed. It still wasn’t any good but Havok is a good choice for a monster champion. Whoever eventually beats her is going to look like a big deal and that’s the whole point of building up a monster as champion.

James Storm is sitting in what looks like a temple, talking about cutting down Great Muta for the sake of the Revolution.

We recap Muta/Tajiri vs. Sanada/Storm. Muta mentored Sanada but Storm turned Sanada to the dark side. Tonight it’s about revenge. This is the only match that has gotten any sort of a build.

Great Sanada/James Storm vs. Tajiri/Great Muta

Storm gives a great speech about turning one of Japan’s own against them. That little bit of storyline actually felt really refreshing. Muta sprays mist to start and gets things going with Sanada. They fight over a leglock on the mat until Muta comes up and works on the arm. It’s back down to the mat and Sanada sprays Mist at Muta but only hits air. Off to Tajiri vs. Storm with James taking a bunch of kicks. Tajiri grabs the beard but it’s quickly back to Sanada, only to have him get low bridged out to the floor.

Sanada kicks Tajiri to the floor and then under the ring as things slow WAY down. Tajiri has taken mist off camera and is blinded back inside. Storm and Sanada start slowly double teaming as we’re waiting on the hot tag to Muta. A dropkick gets two for Sanada and we hit the nerve hold.

Back up and Sanada pulls out a white stick of some kind of nail Tajiri again. Tajiri comes right back with a kick and tags in Muta to clean house. Muta hammers on Sanada and drops an elbow for two, only to get caught in Closing Time. Storm drops a top rope elbow and Sanada’s moonsault gets two. Everything breaks down and Storm is backdropped to the floor. Tajiri superkicks Sanada down and it’s a double mist and the Shining Wizard to give Muta the pin at 10:50.

Rating: D+. I just sat through this whole show for an eleven minute main event. Storm not taking the pin is a good thing, but it’s not like this match means anything at the end of the day. However, there’s one thing that stands out above all this: at the end of the day, the two oldest guys on the show stood tall to end the show. Some things never change.

Storm chokes Muta with the bullrope so Team 3D makes the save to end the show. That would be four guys at least 41 years old ending the show.

Overall Rating: D+. Here’s the thing: the show itself was just ok. Some of the matches weren’t bad but for the most part it was just the same kind of matches we’ve seen in other forms dozens of times. It wasn’t a bad show or anything but it’s totally forgettable with nothing standing out as a great or even very good match. The opener is the best match and the X-Division Title match is good depending on your taste but I’ve seen it done too many times.

That brings us to the big problem: this is Bound For Glory, not some One Night Only show. The Global Impact Japan show was better than this with more title matches, two title changes and cost $15 compared to $50 for this one. The stalling was just pathetic and made me feel like I was watching a low rent show from a low rent promotion.

TNA rolled the dice here and I can get the idea behind it, but not for Bound For Glory or when TNA is in the spot they’re in. They don’t have another live event for three months and the only thing you hear about TV is “it’s coming”. This show might have helped set up stuff in Asia, but if there’s no product in America, there’s nothing to ship out to Asia. The problem is this show was all for the Japanese fans, and the last thing TNA should be doing right now is flipping off their loyal fans, which are the only things keeping them going. This was a bad idea but the intentions were good at least.

Results

Minoru Tanaka b. Manik – Cross armbreaker

Ethan Carter III b. Ryoto Hama – 1%er

MVP b. Kazma Sakamoto – Shining Wizard

Samoa Joe b. Low Ki and Kaz Hayashi – Koquina Clutch to Ki

Jiro Kuroshio/Yusuke Kodama b. El Hijo del Pantera/Andy Wu – Corkscrew moonsault to Pantera

Team 3D b. Abyss/Tommy Dreamer – 3D to Dreamer

Havok b. Velvet Sky – Bearhug

Great Muta/Tajiri b. Great Sanada/James Storm

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

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Joe, Carter, MVP, Team 3D, Tanaka, Norvus (because they’re the first team I saw), Havok, Muta/Tajiri.

Preview over.

Today is someone a lot smarter than you: Lanny Poffo.

Poffo got started in 1975 after being trained by his father Angelo. We’ll look at a match from the All Star Championship Wrestling promotion out of Knoxville in 1979.

Lanny Poffo vs. George McCrary

Poffo is billed as being from Amarillo, Texas here. This is VERY old school with bad lighting and maybe fifty people in the audience. Poffo flips out of a chinlock and cranks on the arm as the lighting get so bad that I can barely see what’s going on. Some headlocks put George back on the mat and Poffo cranks on a kind of abdominal stretch. George drops a knee but Lanny hammers away with right hands and a short arm scissors.

Back up and Lanny jumps without doing anything else but it’s enough to send George running into the corner. Another knee to the face has Poffo in trouble but McCrary misses an elbow drop. Lanny slams him down for a slingshot splash for two before a bad looking dropkick puts George down. Back up and a quick sleeper gives Poffo the win.

Rating: D. Time has not been kind to the match or the film it was shot on. The match wasn’t the best but Poffo was still way ahead of anyone else out there at this point. He still needed some polishing as there were some botches in there, but for 1979 in Tennessee this was insane stuff.

The Poffos, including brother Randy, would start up International Championship Wrestling around Kentucky and Indiana. Here’s a match from their promotion in 1980.

Lanny Poffo vs. Rick Zarda

They actually shake hands to start and Zarda grabs a quick headlock. Poffo gets slammed a few times before a big dropkick puts Zarda down. A slingshot splash out of the corner gives Lanny a quick pin.

Off to the WWF now and we’ll start things off on July 13, 1985.

Terry Funk vs. Lanny Poffo

At the Garden here. Dang Terry Funk vs. Randy Poffo sounds awesome beyond belief for the promos alone if nothing else. I think they did some stuff in Memphis. Funk stalls to start. He chases a ring attendant who filed a legit lawsuit over something with the company at some point and it was a big deal. Sweet goodness that was vague but it’s all I’ve got.

Funk is considered a great here which is just weird to hear as he’s a legend now rather than simply an all time great. Red hot crowd here. Poffo does a standing backflip which is insane in its own right. He was so far ahead of his time it’s unreal. Based on what I can find this is July 12, 1985 if you’re interested. Terry sees Lanny prancing around and you know he’s not a fan of it.

The brawling vs. speed/agility stuff here is actually working. Funk gets a sweet leverage move to send him over the top. His wrestling ability was and always will be underrated. He shouts PIG at Poffo. As long as he doesn’t want to make him squeal like one I think were’ ok. Funk gets sent to the floor off an awesome atomic drop. Funk pounds away but falls to the floor again for some reason.

Terry suplexes him to the floor and Lanny is more or less dead. This guy took some of the best beatings I can ever remember. He looks a bit like a short haired version of Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin although he has, you know, talent. The crowd is getting into this and I can’t blame them as this has been solid. Funk shoves the referee before hitting a nice reverse neckbreaker for two.

SWEET sunset flip by Poffo for two but they mess up and ring the bell anyway. Poffo takes over and does some sweet fast paced stuff. He busts out a freaking moonsault which was INSANE in 85. Funk goes back to that old left hand again but gets caught in a hurricanrana of all things for two. And then Funk throws on a choke/sleeper for the submission/cure for insomnia.

Rating: B. This was REALLY good and I never would have guessed that. Poffo got a chance to throw out his insane offense which blew people away back then. Funk was his usual old hateful self and the whole thing just worked really well. Solid match here and a really nice surprise the whole way around.

Poffo would somehow get a Tag Team Title shot on the second SNME.

Tag Titles: Tony Garea/Lanny Poffo vs. Dream Team

Beefcake and Valentine in case you’re a young gun. This is the standard dominating first title defense on SNME where there was no chance of the titles changing hands. Only once did a title ever switch on this show and it wasn’t until 1989 when the Brain Busters beat Demolition in a shocker. Poffo, more famous as the Genius, busts out a moonsault which is a huge spot back in the day. I think he debuted it in the company but I’m not sure.

Poffo was a jobber to the stars and Garea used to be a tag champion way back in the day. The crowd is kind of dead here as this has been a long show but then again there was rarely anything of note at the end of these shows. I usually can’t stand the ads everywhere but I really want a Coke given that sign up there. The US Express, the former champions, are in the front row. Figure Four ends this glorified squash.

Rating: D. Nothing at all of note here but to say they weren’t shooting for a classic is an understatement. This was short and relatively painless as it’s only about three and a half minutes long. Nothing terrible here but boring for the most part. I still don’t get how two random guys can be the #1 contenders like this.

From June 14, 1986.

Harley Race vs. Lanny Poffo

Race is the “newcomer” here, although they openly say he’s wrestled for twenty years. Clipped to Poffo taking something like a brainbuster on the floor. The fans are quiet but this is the old Race, as in the old school style of him. Top rope headbutt (which Race is credited with inventing) puts Poffo down and a regular one puts him on the floor. Poffo starts his comeback and hits a flying headscissors to bring Race over the top and back in. Race gets him in a fireman’s carry and drops him throat first across the top rope to break up the comeback though. Fisherman’s suplex ends this. Not enough to grade but Race was his usual great self, even though the match was dull.

Back to Saturdays with SNME VII.

Kamala vs. Lanny Poffo

Ok what are you expecting with three minutes left in the show? It’s a total 80s squash, making it AWESOME.

Rating: B+. All for being quick and Kamala scaring the heck out of me back in the day.

Time for some Superstars matches, starting on February 14, 1987.

Bob Orton/Don Muraco vs. Leo Strohein/Lanny Poffo

Poffo has a poem, where he talks about Andre for no apparent reason. He even swears a bit. Ok then. He gets a pop if nothing else. Jesse talks about his face being insured by Lloyd’s of London. And now let’s hear from Hillbilly Jim, who talks about Hogan vs. Andre. Ok then. A move that we would call the Tombstone ends it. No attention was paid to this at all.

Rating: N/A. Just a squash here to get the heels to look good. Nothing over a minute and a half at best.

And on February 28.

Brutus Beefcake/Greg Valentine/Adrian Adonis vs. Rick Martel/Tom Zenk/Lanny Poffo

The heels have Johnny V, Jimmy Hart and Dino Bravo with them. Poffo does a REALLY bad poem. This is actually a big time main event for this show. Adrian isn’t afraid of Piper. They go back and forth here with like seven minutes left in the show. Wow this is actually getting some time.

It’s not very good, but it’s such a rarity on this show that I can’t complain a bit. Adrian gets a pair of scissors and accidently cuts Beefcake’s hair. It makes sense in context. In his shock, Beefcake gets rolled up for the pin. Oddly enough the “replay” is comprised of just still shots.

Rating: D. Not a great match by any stretch, but it set up Adonis getting his hair cut at Mania. Having this stuff, that makes sense all of a sudden.

And one more on March 21, 1987.

Lanny Poffo vs. Honky Tonk Man

Poffo was more or less the Santino of this time, as he would win a match every now and then but was mostly a comedy character. It’s about a minute long with a few quick shots but the Shake Rattle and Roll ends it.

Rating: N/A. Poffo’s offense was WAY ahead of its time in America if nothing else as he even had a moonsault back then, which was unheard of in WWF.

One more TV match from Wrestling Challenge, September 13, 1987.

Lanny Poffo vs. Ted DiBiase

DiBiase doesn’t like the poem (he was called a Million Dollar Jerk) and charges at Poffo, only to get dropkicked out to the floor. Back in and Poffo goes face first into the buckle and dropped by a knee to the ribs. Ted drops some elbows for two but pulls Poffo up. Instead he put on a spinning toe hold for a quick submission.

Here he is at Wrestlefest 1988.

Jim Neidhart vs. Lanny Poffo

This was when Poffo was still a leaper and threw out Frisbees with his poetry on them. He was the king of jobbers at this point though so if nothing else he’s not bad. I think his brother would be up next. He uses a moonsault which misses but was a big spot back then as he was the first WWF guy to use it I believe. I think Jim is a heel here but it’s not entirely clear. The crowd is totally dead here. After just beating the tar out of Poffo a powerslam ends it.

Rating: N/A. Total squash here. I think they were toying with splitting up the Harts but that wouldn’t happen for nearly three more years, resulting in Bret breaking out on his own and then Neidhart kind of fading away, although doing so in a positive way. Thank goodness they picked Bret to push instead of Neidhart.

Poffo would be repackaged as the Genius and put with Mr. Perfect. Here he is in a big match at SNME XXIV.

WWF Title: Hulk Hogan vs. The Genius

Genius kind of prances around and this is definitely going to be a comedy match. He even uses a nip up which just wasn’t done back then. All Hogan here and Genius stops to write something on his scroll. He was incredibly athletic and skins the cat to get back in. And then Genius slaps Hogan in the face. Hogan gets tired of Genius doing his stuff and takes his head off with a clothesline.

Hogan is killing him now and then prances around the ring. Like him or not, the guy knew how to play to a crowd like no one else in history could. And here’s Mr. Perfect to mess everything up. He looks at the belt and says it’s not perfect and puts gum on it. Hogan gets posted and back in the ring a moonsault gets two. He Hulks Up and Genius goes to the floor. Perfect clocks Hogan with the belt and GENIUS WINS! THE GENIUS BEAT HOGAN! WITH THE TITLE ON THE LINE! Perfect runs away with the title in hand.

Rating: B-. Total comedy match that set up Hogan vs. Perfect for a few months if nothing else. This wasn’t supposed to be a serious match and you flat out can’t grade it as one. This was a hilarious match at times as someone for once tried to outsmart Hogan and it worked like a charm. This was perfectly played and while the match was nothing, the comedy and thinking was great. I liked this a lot but most people wouldn’t.

Time to fight Hogan’s buddy at Royal Rumble 1990.

The Genius vs. Brutus Beefcake

If you’re not familiar with Genius, think Damien Sandow if he read WWF themed poetry. Oh and he’s a jobber. And Macho Man’s real life brother. Genius offers a left-handed handshake but Brutus isn’t interested. Jesse gets on Tony about Genius beating Hogan via countout on SNME. Tony: “Well…..” Jesse: “WHO WON THE MATCH???” Genius heads to the floor for a cartwheel and we finally get the first lockup.

We get a clean break and Beefcake tells Genius what he can kiss. They lock up again and Genius goes to the eyes to get the first advantage. Beefcake comes out with an atomic drop and Genius gets to do his way overdone selling. I miss that. Back in and Genius fires off some shockingly good punches so Brutus comes back with an even bigger punch. Expect to hear the word punch a lot in this match.

Beefcake steps on Genius’ fingers like a total jerk and crotches Genius on the top rope. Half of Beefcake’s taunts would get him fired today for suggesting that Genius is effeminate. We go back to the standard story of the match: Genius gets in some strikes, Brutus hits him once to take over again. A dropkick gets two for Genius as does a rollup, but Brutus catches him coming off the middle rope with a punch to the ribs.

There’s the sleeper but Genius quickly escapes. Another sleeper attempt is quickly countered, but the Genius is knocked into the referee. Ref bumps weren’t cliched back in the 80s, so this is kind of a big development. Anyway the sleeper goes on again and Genius is going down quickly. Brutus puts him out and starts cutting his hair, but Genius’ buddy Mr. Perfect comes out for the save and the DQ.

Rating: D. This is one of those matches that was bad but it was energetic. For as much of a mess as Brutus would become in real life, the guy could get the fans fired up. That’s pretty impressive as he was almost all punching and a sleeper. This was pretty lame stuff but the fans loved it which is the right idea.

Here’s a big tag match from SNME XXV.

Genius/Mr. Perfect vs. Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior

We get a shot of Warrior and Hogan colliding at the Rumble which indeed was an epic moment. Tony Schiavone talking about WWF wrestling is still odd as all all goodness. Heenan was at ringside here for no apparent reason. Never noticed that before. Warrior and Hogan say exactly what you would expect them to say before the match.

Perfect and Hogan start us out and Jesse breaks this down and compares it to the Super Bowl which makes a bit of sense. It’s all faces as you would expect at this point. Perfect always was a great bumper. Hogan starts beating the tar out of Perfect and Genius is writing a poem. Ok then.

Perfect gets the scroll and you know what’s coming. Hogan takes it in the head to take control for the heels. More or less this is Hogan getting beaten up by Perfect while Genius won’t stay in for more than 30 seconds.

He’s a gay character that they never said was gay. Perfect gets the Perfectplex and lets him up at two so Genius can get the pin. You know what’s coming next. Warrior cleans house and gets the press slam on Genius as Hogan tags himself in.

He messes up the leg drop as he uses the far leg over the throat, so it looked like Kofi’s Boom Drop. It gets the pin anyway though. Warrior beats up both heels but hits Hogan by mistake. The major showdown happens and we have Mania 6.

Rating: C-. Not great at all but it could have been far worse. This was all to set up the main event of Mania and that worked fine. Hogan and Perfect feuded a ton on the house show circuit but they never had the big match that they should have. Those Hogan/Warrior showdowns were amazing though.

One more big match before Genius became a manager. From February 19, 1990.

Hulk Hogan/Brutus Beefcake vs. The Genius/Mr. Perfect

Ok so at least we’re at the final of the tape. Naturally Hogan is world champion here but the Warrior was coming. MSG again here, likely the same show as it’s been all tape. The heels jump them as they come in. Heenan and Gorilla are on commentary here so we should get some funny lines.

Beefcake had cut Genius’ hair recently so his head is a comedy point. Hogan vs. Perfect to start us off. Heel shenanigans give Perfect the advantage but the powers of Hulkamania switches that around a bit. Off to Beefcake who beats up both guys with ease. Headknocker to Perfect and a right hand get two. The champion comes back in and the beating continues.

Lot of quick tags from Hogan and Beefcake. High knee gets two for Beefcake. It’s weird to see Perfect get beaten down this much. Perfect may be bleeding from the nose. Finally Perfect gets a shot from the scroll to the head of Hogan and Hulk is in trouble. Genius comes in and prances around a lot. The moonsault gets knees though and Hogan gets the tag.

Brutus hammers away on Perfect and gets the Sleeper. Hogan runs interference but when Hebener is trying to get him out of the ring Genius gets a shot with the scroll and runs away. Ah there he is again. Old school tag team tactics where the referee misses the hot tag are still awesome.

Genius and Perfect hammer away on Brutus with Genius getting in Hogan’s face. Perfectplex gets two since Hogan makes the save. Genius tries to make the stop but here’s Hogan. I think you know the drill as it’s Hogan in the 80s in MSG in the main event. What do you think is going to happen here? Genius is the victim if you’re curious. More hair is cut post match.

Rating: C-. Not much here but it would have been fine as the main event of a house show. Hogan vs. Perfect was a big and long running feud on the house show circuit at this time and would continue once Hogan lost the title. Nothing too bad here but it’s nothing that was unpredictable at all. Decent enough though.

Poffo is a guy who is overlooked because of his brother and that’s kind of a shame. Between the poetry and the outfits and wearing a suit of armor for a string of battle royals back in the 80s (seriously), the guy would try different stuff and get it over. Look at the intellectual version of Damien Sandow for a modern comparison. Don’t you just want to punch him in the face? That’s a good quality to have and the ability to do a moonsault didn’t hut either.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Today is a guy who has potential if he’s used right: Zema Ion.

Ion got his start back in 2004 but we’ll pick things up at the Super Indy VI tournament on May 11, 2007 with Ion wrestling under the name Shiima Xion.

Super Indy Quarterfinals: Ruckus vs. Shiima Xion

They trade wristlocks to start until Ruckus backflips into a headscissors. Ion comes right back with a hurricanrana and armdrag of his own to take over. Ruckus kicks him to the floor but gets slammed onto the concrete. Ion loads up another one but Ruckus slips down the back and posts Ion instead. Ruckus gets nailed in the face and nailed with a shooting star off the apron.

Back in and Ruckus flips a lot with a kick to the face getting two. He hooks Ion in a sunset flip but reaches down to grab Ion’s neck for kind of a reverse Crossface. Zema blocks a handspring elbow with a knee to the back but walks into a front flip neckbreaker. Ruckus misses a moonsault legdrop to give Ion two but a Fillipino Destroyer (a kind of reverse Dirty Deeds) for the pin.

Rating: D+. One guy did some moves, another guy did some moves, Ion beat him with a stupid looking move. This was the definition of the indy style that I really don’t care for: there’s no psychology or flow to the match and it’s just doing moves for the sake of doing moves. That gets old fast but thankfully it wasn’t that long of a match.

We’ll jump ahead to TNA now, starting with Destination X 2011.

Austin Aries vs. Low Ki vs. Zema Ion vs. Jack Evans

Winner gets a contract. Christy of course messes up something, in this case Aries’ entrance. We get some clips of their qualifying matches during each guy’s entrance. Winner gets a contract of course. No tagging here thank goodness. Aries gets a quick two count on Ion as the fans chant “everybody.” Aries and Low Ki (Kaval for the uneducated) square off and Evans starts flipping.

Spin kick by Evans gets two on Ion. Low Ki takes over again and hammers on Evans in the corner. Aries takes Low Ki down and uses some Hogan in late 90s offense for some reason. He beats up everyone but takes a triple dropkick to send him down. Evans starts flipping again and hits a dropsault to get two on Ion. Ion gets his turn to be on offense and gets a bunch of two counts.

Aries takes Ion down and has another showdown with Low Ki. After getting attacked they both throw submissions on the guys that jumped them. They manage to yell insults at each other while they have the holds. Ok that was cool. With the others outside they argue again and chop it out. Aries loads up the brainbuster but Low Ki escapes and gets a big kick to Aries’ back. Evans and Ion are back in now and Ion gets a knee to Evans’ face for two. Pendulum elbow gets two for Aries.

Ion clears the ring and takes over but Aries stops a dive. Aries tries a suicide dive but Low Ki gets a fast kick up to send him flying backwards. Evans comes in and flips a lot but spins around too much as Aries takes him down with a spinning forarm. The fans chant sign them all. Ion and Aries are the only ones up right now. Aries gets a neckbreaker on the rope to put Ion down. Low Ki gets a cartwheel into a kick to knock Aries off the top and also get two.

Evans blocks a Warrior’s Way to Aries with a rana, getting two. He calls for the 630 but Ion breaks it up. Ion hits the 450 on Low Ki but Aries makes the save. Using the distraction, Evans fires off the 630 but eats knees. Aries hammers on Evans and hits the brainbuster on Low Ki to win the contract. Probably the best choice.

Rating: B. Can’t really complain here as this was what the X–Division was built on. The fans got their flips and probably the best possible outcome here with Aries arguably being the best guy here. I’d expect to see all of them again in the future which is probably the best thing, especially with how weak the division has been lately. Fun match.

Ion would be back in TNA for Genesis 2012.

X-Division Title: Zema Ion vs. Kid Kash vs. Austin Aries vs. Jesse Sorensen

I didn’t know this but it’s elimination rules. The fans seem to like Jesse the most. Aries chills on the floor to start and Sorensen cleans house. A northern lights gets two on Ion and Aries comes in. This is one of those matches where there’s no point in trying to keep track of everything that’s going on. Kash and Aries are sent to the floor and after Ion is put up top it’s the Tower of Doom! That hasn’t been used in awhile.

Aries goes up top but Ion shoves him down to the floor onto Kash. Ion hits a big corkscrew plancha to the floor to take the two of them out. Sorensen of course follows in the customary series of dives. Still gets a great reaction from the crowd too. Jesse gets two on Aries back inside. Ion gets sent into the corner so Kash tries a superplex, but Aries is whipped into the corner to send Kash crashing. Ion stands up and hits the 450 on Kash to put him out first.

Aries busts out the 450 on Sorensen for just two. The fans are WAY behind Jesse here. Top rope cross body gets two on Aries. A suplex into a cutter kind of move gets the same as Ion breaks up the pin because he’s an idiot. Ion goes after Jesse but walks into a small package for the second elimination to get us down to one on one. Aries rolls up Sorensen but Ion has the referee.

Brainbuster is countered into the Game Changer (Test Drive into a DDT) but Ion’s distraction keeps it at just two. Aries breaks up something off the top but runs into a boot in the corner. Ion is ducked out of sight on the floor. Sorensen goes up but Ion crotches him, letting Aries dropkick him and a middle rope brainbuster keeps the title on Aries 10:59.

Rating: C+. I was really liking this until the ending. Sorensen has been built up for awhile now and the fans are clearly behind him, but they need to pull the trigger on him if they’re going to. Restocking the division is a good idea, but if all the guys keep losing it’s not really going to do them any good. The match was fun though and a high flying match to open the show is a tried and true idea.

Here’s a double shot at Destination X 2012.

X-Division Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Zema Ion vs. Flip Cassanova

Ion stares down Sorensen as he comes through the curtain. That could be an incredible moment when they have their match. Hopefully this match is short though as Cassanova was downright dangerous on Impact. Ion kicks him in the head to start and clotheslines Flip down. Ion misses a clothesline and Cassanova sends him to the floor, followed by a flip dive.

That gets Cassanova nowhere so Ion pounds him right back down. Cassanova gets sent to the floor for a baseball slide to send him down again. Back in and Flip kicks Ion down and hits a namesake moonsault for two. The flip dive that he won with on Impact misses here and Ion ends this with a modified Gory Bomb.

Rating: D+. This was just a step above a squash. Now hopefully we never see Cassanova and his dangerous self for a LONG time. He didn’t have the chance to screw much stuff here and for the sake of Ion, that’s a very good thing. Ion looked decent here, which is about how he’s looked the entire time he’s been around: not bad but nothing great.

And the second match that night.

X-Division Title: Mason Andrews vs. Kenny King vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Zema Ion

It’s Ultimate X and the title is vacant coming in. Ion puts in some hairspray and goes for a quick win, only to be brought down just as quickly. He runs to the corner but dives at the three guys instead. That goes just as badly as Ion dives into three dropkicks at the same time. Things start speeding up and Dutt is the only one left. He goes up but King breaks it up. Ion breaks up the breaking up and it’s Andrews vs. Ion at the moment.

King comes back in and counters an Andrews DDT by suplexing him into Ion who was in the Tree of Woe. King and Dutt slug it out on the apron and a cartwheel kick knocks Dutt to the floor. Kenny goes for the belt but Dutt takes him down with a springboard dropkick. Dutt fires off a standing shooting star but hits his arm on the rope in the process. Keep that in mind. Ion makes a run for the belt but Andrews and King make the save. The two saviors go to the corner and Andrews suplexes King down.

Dutt is being takes out of the match because of his arm/elbow/shoulder. Ion goes for the belt but gets brought down into an atomic drop from Andrews. King and Ion go to the floor with Andrews hitting a flip dive over the top to take both guys down. Andrews goes for the title but King hits a springboard spear to take him down in a good looking spot.

Here’s Dutt again, after having his arm/elbow/shoulder being popped back into place. King and Andrews go for the belt but they knock each other down. Ion and Dutt go up top onto the structure which makes my fear of heights cringe. They slug it out up there and slip down onto the cables, but Ion sprays Sonjay with the hairspray. That knocks Dutt down and Ion wins the title.

Rating: B-. This was pretty good and I can live with Ion as the champion. Unfortunately his main feud is going to be months away as Sorensen isn’t going to be ready for a long time. As for now that, he’s ok I guess but King probably would have been the best choice. Still though, decent match and a solid performance from Dutt as he worked through injury. That’s probably the first feud too, which should be good.

Time for a title defense at Hardcore Justice 2012.

X-Division Title: Kenny King vs. Zema Ion

King is challenging. Feeling out process to start with King finally taking over with a headlock. A backslide gets two as does La Majistral. Back to the headlock and then out to the floor with King hitting a sweet flip dive off the apron. They head back inside for a second but King is knocked back outside where the champ hits a flip dive of his own. Ion hits a neckbreaker for two and it’s off to a chinlock.

That only lasts a few seconds as Ion chokes instead. Now we get a longer lasting chinlock followed by a DDT for two. King comes back with an atomic drop and things speed up a bit. A high collar throw puts Ion into the corner and out to the floor. King hits a BIG corkscrew dive to the floor which gets two back in.

The modified F5 is broken up but King puts on a half crab of all things. A kick similar to Trouble in Paradise misses and a flipping backbreaker gets two for Ion. King hits a knee to the head for two and knocks the hairspray out of Ion’s hand. They head to the corner and King sets for some kind of sunset flip but gets countered into something like a shoulderbreaker for the pin by Ion to retain at 11:03.

Rating: D+. Ion is really freaking boring. At the end of the day all he has is big hair and that’s nothing interesting at all. I get that they want to wait on Sorensen to come back and take the title from him in a big moment, but do we have to sit through him as champion that long? Nothing to see here and Ion winning was a letdown as he was shown up in this match.

Here’s the opener from Bound For Glory 2012.

X-Division Title: Rob Van Dam vs. Zema Ion

Ion is defending and is obsessed with his hair. There’s no story here because there wasn’t time to get one together. Literally the Thursday before the show, Van Dam came out and said he was challenging for the title here. The fans are entirely behind Rob here as you would expect them to be. Feeling out process to start as Rob goes after Ion’s hair to take over. A few kicks to the face send Zema outside but he’s able to run away from Rob’s dive.

Back in and Rob ducks a clothesline but gets caught by a low dropkick. The ring is very loud here. Something like a Whisper in the Wind gets two for the champion but he gets crotched on the ropes and kicked back out to the floor. Rob takes a well deserved bow as this has been mostly one sided so far. The champ comes back in by diving through the ropes into a tornado DDT for a pair of near falls.

Rob gets shoved off the top and down onto the barricade, setting up a big flip dive from Ion. Zema throws him back in and blocks a monkey flip with a kind of hot shot. A missile dropkick gets two on Rob and the champion puts on an abdominal stretch to slow things down. That goes nowhere so they slug it out until Rob throws him into the air for a dropkick to the ribs. Rolling Thunder sets up the Five Star for the clean pin and the title.

Rating: C+. I liked this more than I thought I would with Ion being a perfectly adequate foil for the feel good title win. Rob broke a bit of a sweat here but there wasn’t a huge doubt as to who was winning. Ion had been champion for three months at this point and there wasn’t much else he could do with it so giving it to Rob to make him look like he still means something is a good idea.

Zema was in the Ultimate X match at X-Travaganza.

Zema Ion vs. Mason Andres vs. Rubix vs. Kenny King

In case you couldn’t tell, this is Ultimate X. Tenay says this is “just the 29^th time we’ve unleashed Ultimate X.” Yep, just 29 in ten years. By comparison, there have been 14 TLC matches in 13 years. The idea here is there are two ropes crossing way above the ring, forming an X. At their intersection there’s a big red X and whoever pulls that down wins. You have to use the ropes above the ring to pull yourself to the X to pull it down as the ropes are about seven feet above the top ropes of the ring.

Everything breaks down to start with Ion being sent to the floor. Rubix and Andrews go at it with Rubix taking him to the mat with an armdrag. King takes Rubix down with a sidekick but Ion is back in to take Kenny down as well. Andrews and Ion head down to the floor with King hitting a spinning springboard legdrop on Rubix back inside. Everyone is on the floor now as Taz keeps up his stupid jokes by calling Rubix Rubic like the cube.

Andrews and Ion are back inside with Mason going up, only to be pulled back down by Zema. Rubix comes back in with a sweet dropkick to Ion, sending him out to the floor. Rubix drops a slingshot legdrop on Andrews but Mason comes right back and pounds away on Ion in the corner. Ion slams Rubix down off the top as the match slows down a lot. King goes after Rubix’s mask in the corner but Andrews suplexes him off the top to save Rubix’s identity (which would be Jigsaw from Chikara).

Andrews stops Rubix from going for the X as Taz keeps the stupid running joke going. King dives out onto Rubix so Andrews dives down onto King to take both guys down. Ion hits a BIG corkscrew dive off the top onto Andrews and King to a rather weak reaction from the crowd. Rubix climbs up the structure in the corner to dive onto all three guys before heading back inside to go after the X.

It’s Kenny making the save though by pulling Rubix down into the Royal Flush to send Rubix to the floor. Ion crotches King in the corner but Kenny sends Zema to the floor to break up a superplex. Andrews manages to pull King down but Ion stops him from climbing across. Rubix comes back in and hits a dropkick on Ion and a tornado DDT on Andrews at the same time. Everyone is in a corner now and it’s Andrews going up, only to be pulled down into a German suplex by Rubix.

Rubix goes to the corner, only to be shoved down by Ion. Rubix and King team up to stop Ion with Rubix sending Ion into the structure in the corner. A dropkick takes King down but Andrews drives a knee into Rubix’s head. Ion and Andrews go across the ropes and meet in the middle above the ring with Andrews pulling Ion down in a Downward Spiral. In an anti-climactic ending, Rubix goes up and pulls down the X….but apparently he has to touch the mat. King catches him on the way down and steals the X to win.

Rating: B-. This was fun but the highspots were kind of lacking. It’s definitely entertaining, but again this doesn’t really mean anything and it was pretty clear that King or Ion was going to get the win. King stealing it was a nice touch but this was lacking the huge death defying nature of most of the Ultimate X matches.

Here’s a triple threat match at Lockdown 2013.

X-Division Title: Kenny King vs. Christian York vs. Zema Ion

King is defending. York knocks the champion down to start before clotheslining Ion down as well. King goes to the floor to let the other guys fight, only to have York dive out onto him, ramming King into the barricade. Ion loads up a dive of his own but runs into a boot from York. King tries to use Ion’s body as a springboard but slips off and rams his head into the guardrail in a SCARY looking landing. Ion dives on both York and King anyway before heading back inside with York.

Thankfully King is still alive and comes back in to break up a York cover before pounding away on Christian in the corner. Ion is down on the floor as York chops away at King, only to be poked in the eye. Zema comes back in with a quick rana off the top rope for two on York. A moonsault gets the same result and Ion is frustrated.

York hits a quick legdrop on King for two but Ion baseball slides King to the floor. A slingshot into a DDT gets two on York for Ion as King gets back in. Ion is sent out to the entrance ramp where King drops a leg to keep him down. York pulls Ion back inside for two and all three men are back inside. King loads up a top rope fallaway slam on Ion, only to have York add a powerbomb to make it a Tower of Doom. Christian gets control by hammering away on all three guys, including a suplex on King for no cover.

The Mood Swing neckbreaker gets two on Ion for York and a Capo Kick sends King into the corner. In an interesting combo, York DDTs King as Ion neckbreakers York, with Zema getting two on both guys. York hits a top rope double stomp to Ion’s back and a corner roll at King. Kenny comes back with a kick to Ion’s head but York rolls through the Royal Flush for two. Not that it matters as another attempt at the Flush ends York to retain the title at 11:10.

Rating: C. This was good, but at the same time it came off much more like a collection of spots rather than a coherent match. I’m not wild on matches like that, especially when there are that many botches. The one with King at the beginning was scary with him slipping down and nearly breaking his neck in the process. That’s scary stuff.

We’ll jump ahead a bit to Ion cashing in his Feast or Fired briefcase for a shot at the X-Division title on Impact, February 6, 2014.

X-Division Title: Austin Aries vs. Zema Ion

Ion gets two early near falls before a baseball slide to the back puts Aries down again. Austin comes back with a chop but is sent into the barricade to put him down again. A slingshot DDT gets two on Aries but Ion misses a corkscrew moonsault, allowing Aries to hit a discus forearm and a release belly to back suplex. There’s the running corner dropkick and a brainbuster retains Aries’ title at 2:11.

Ion was in action at X-Travaganza II.

Ultimate X Qualifying Match: DJZ vs. Rashad Cameron

DJZ takes him into the corner but hides from the threat of a right hand. Cameron gains control and cranks on a headlock, causing DJZ to yell about Cameron touching his hair. Naturally Rashad pulls him down by the hair before putting on DJZ’s headset. He throws the headphones in the air for a distraction and chops DJZ down, only to have his dive attempt broken up. DJZ stomps in the corner and gets two off a flapjack.

We hit the chinlock and Tenay throws a big wrench into the whole concept of the night. Apparently these are NOT qualifying matches, at least not in the traditional sense. Only Cameron can qualify for whatever reason, meaning that if DJZ wins, both guys’ night is done. The idea is current X-Division guys vs. outsiders and only the outsiders can qualify. So if the TNA roster wins in a sweep, there’s no Ultimate X? How do they manage to screw up something this easy? Why do they need to make something this simple so complicated? Such is life in TNA.

Anyway, Cameron fights out of a chinlock but gets dropped ribs first onto the top rope. The fans chant DJ CHICKEN LEGS as DJZ misses a charge and falls out to the floor, setting up a big flip dive (Tenay’s words) to take DJZ down again. Back in and a high cross body and hurricanrana get two each for Cameron. With DJZ hunched over, Cameron jumps backwards from the middle rope into a cutter. I’ve never liked that move. Cameron misses a top rope splash but comes back with a small package for the pin.

Rating: C. The match wasn’t bad but DJZ really doesn’t do anything for me in the ring. The story here though was how hard my mind was blown by the stipulations. Insiders vs. outsiders is a fine idea, but why in the world would you not just let the winners into Ultimate X? I don’t see the benefit of having the active roster guys get nothing for a win, but to be fair there’s a lot of stuff about TNA I don’t get.

Slammiversary 2014 was held in Dallas so it’s time for some Von Erichs.

Bro Mans vs. Ross Von Erich/Marshall Von Erich

Marshall wrestles barefoot like Kevin did. This is DJZ and Jesse for the team tonight. Marshall cleans house on DJZ to start but can’t hook the Claw. A powerslam puts DJZ back down and it’s off to the older Ross for some dropkicks. Jesse breaks up something off the top rope and DJZ hits a nice flip dive to take Ross down on the ramp.

Back in and Jesse nails a dropkick bur Ross avoids a second one and makes the hot tag to Marshall. Everything breaks down and Ross hits a missile dropkick to put both guys down. Jesse brings in a chair but gets it dropkicked into his face, setting up a series of basic double team moves from the brothers. Not that it matters as DJZ brings in the chair for the DQ at 5:07.

Rating: D+. Well that was a waste of pay per view time. The Von Erichs looked ok at best but it’s clear that they need ring time more than anything else. They didn’t know how to finish a match yet and it looked like they needed to get through a bunch of spots instead of bringing the match to a close. Not terrible, but the ending really didn’t work for me.

One more messy X-Divison match on Impact, September 3, 2014.

Homicide vs. DJZ vs. Craazy Steve vs. Low Ki vs. Manik vs. Tigre Uno

Winner gets an X-Division Title shot at some point in the future and this is one fall to a finish. Low Ki hammers on Tigre to start before hitting a kind of spinebuster for two. A fisherman’s suplex gets the same with all four other guys making the save. Off to Manik vs.Homicide with the masked man being sent into the ropes for a tag to DJZ.

Steve comes in with a sunset flip for two on DJZ before everything breaks down. DJZ and Steve are sent to the floor with Low Ki and Tigre being backdropped after them. Manik and Homicide trade some suplex attempts until Manik jumps into a cutter. The Gringo Killa gives Homicide the title shot at 4:32.

Rating: D+. Well that happened. There’s no story, there’s no psychology, there’s absolutely nothing we haven’t seen before. This division is such a disaster at this point as it’s back to the old habit of some big multiman match to set up a one off title shot and then do it all over again. That gets really old really fast and we reached that point a long time ago.

Ion doesn’t do much for me. He’s a guy that’s just kind of there with all of his flips and stereotypical X-Division style and that gets old after awhile. I like him FAR better as the annoying DJZ but the in ring work just isn’t there. He’s much better suited for an indy company that a big one like TNA, but the DJZ character works fine.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Today we have a modern day evil foreign monster with Rusev.

After being trained by Gangrel and Rikishi, Rusev would sign a developmental deal in 2011. Here’s his debut match on FCW TV in June 2011.

Mike Dalton vs. Alexander Rusev

Dalton is currently known as Tyler Breeze. Rusev drives him into the corner to start and hits some nice jumping knees to the face. He hooks a full nelson and drives Dalton face first into the buckle for a nice move. Dalton finally gets up a boot in the corner and gets two off a victory roll. Rusev actually rolls some Germans for the pin to complete the squash.

We’ll jump ahead a bit to a tag match on FCW TV, March 4, 2012.

FCW Tag Team Titles: Bo Rotundo/Husky Harris vs. Antonio Cesaro/Alexander Rusev

Rotundo and Harris (Bo Dallas and Bray Wyatt) are defending. Rusev and Harris get things going with some hard headlocks before a double shoulder block doesn’t get us anywhere. Off to Bo but Rusev takes him into the corner for a beating from Cesaro. Back to Rusev for some kicks to the back as the foreign heels take over. Cesaro cranks on the arm before Rusev comes in to do the same. Bo rolls away for the hot tag to Harris as everything breaks down. Rotundo spears Rusev out of nowhere to give Harris the pin.

Rating: D+. There’s an ending that would change a lot of things today. It’s always interesting to see where these guys were before theys tarted on the main roster and this is a great example of something like that happening. These guys are almost all different today with maybe the exception of Cesaro, and the changes have all been for the better. Well in theory at least.

One more FCW match on June 24, 2012.

Alexander Rusev/Colin Cassady vs. Ascension

This is the original Ascension tag team of Conor O’Brien and Kenneth Cameron (Bram in TNA). Ascension’s entrance is totally awesome here and makes the guys look like total monsters. Colin and Cameron get things going but it’s quickly off to O’Brien for some power shoving. Colin actually drops him with a shoulder but Conor comes back with an armbar.

Rusev low bridges O’Brien to the floor and Colin hits a nice fall away slam, complete with a power stare to Cameron. Off to Rusev for some right hands as Cesaro (on commentary) talks about Rusev’s outdoor training regimen. O’Brien nails a knee to the face and the hot tag brings in Cameron. A victory roll gets two on Rusev and Ascension screams a lot. O’Brien plants Rusev with a downward spiral for the pin.

Rating: C-. Not a bad power match here and again it’s interesting to see these guys with different characters before they became what they were best known for. Ascension was much more interesting at this point before they became regular power brawlers. The supernatural elements to them made the team more intimidating but unfortunately that fell apart.

Off to regular NXT now, starting on August 21, 2013.

Alexander Rusev vs. Dolph Ziggler

Rusev is a very big man from Bulgaria who breaks a piece of wood with Ziggler’s name on it over his knee. Ziggler is WAY over with the crowd. Both guys are slow to start with Rusev trying basic power stuff and Ziggler easily countering everything thrown at him so he can strut a bit. Alexander throws him into the corner and Ziggler gets serious. He staggers Rusev with a dropkick but his cross body is caught in mid air. Alexander rams knees into Ziggler’s back and drops him on the floor for a breather.

Back in and a running shoulder to the ribs gets two on Dolph. Rusev puts on a quick body vice but misses a second running charge into the corner. Dolph hits a good looking dropkick for two but walks into a running knee to the ribs for the same result. Back up and Ziggler hits a quick Fameasser for two but Rusev comes back with a nice spinwheel kick (for a guy weighing over 300lbs) for another near fall. He misses a top rope splash though, allowing Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag for the pin at 6:14.

Rating: C+. I liked this more than I thought I would. Rusev has potential to him as he’s got a good look and moved very well for a guy his size. Ziggler did his job perfectly out there by making Rusev look far better than he would have otherwise. This was a very nice surprise as you would have expected a squash but got a solid match instead.

Another match in NXT on December 11, 2013.

Alexander Rusev vs. Kassius Ohno

Lana introduces Rusev who looks more and more awesome every time he’s out there. This is a result of Ohno beating Rusev’s time in the Beat the Clock Challenge a few weeks back. Rusev takes him into the corner to start and drops Ohno with a single right hand. He lifts Kassius up for a slam before driving knees into his ribs in midair.

Ohno gets slammed down for two and Alexander stays on the back and ribs. We hit the bearhug for a bit before another forearm to the back puts Ohno down. Ohno gets a forearm to the face to set up a small package for two. That’s the extent of his offense as Rusev runs him over and the Accolade ends Ohno at 3:05.

Rating: D. Total and complete squash here as Ohno leaves the company looking like a jobber. He never clicked in this company at all but at least his comments after leaving have been nothing but positive. Rusev has a spot waiting on him on the main roster once they finally make the call and he’ll take a lot of people apart.

One more NXT match against a main roster name on January 1, 2014.

Alexander Rusev vs. Kofi Kingston

Rusev pounds Kofi into the corner as Regal chides Phillips about not being able to talk to Rusev. “If he could talk to you, he wouldn’t need a translator. Fine money spent on your college education.” Kofi is lifted into the air so Rusev can drive knees into his ribs. A Samoan drop gets two on Kofi and a hard shoulder block gets the same.

Alexander misses a running splash and gets dropkicked down. The Boom Drop connects but Rusev heads to the corner so Kofi can’t try Trouble in Paradise. Instead he hits a cross body off the top (good one too despite Kofi slipping on the ropes) for two but a Lana distraction lets Rusev slam Kofi off the top. The Accolade gets the big upset submission from Kofi at 3:52.

Rating: C. Rusev didn’t look great in there but he got a win over a legitimate main roster guy. There’s definitely a future for this guy in the big leagues and he could be something special in the vein of Umaga. Kingston continues to be the same guy he’s been for years and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Rusev would appear in the Royal Rumble but then not get in the ring again until Raw on April 7, 2014.

Alexander Rusev vs. Zack Ryder

Lana is officially named the Ravishing Russian. That won’t last but she looks good in the short skirts. This is exactly what you would expect (plus a nice jumping kick to the face) and ends in 1:19 after the Accolade (Camel clutch) with Ryder tapping very quickly.

Time for a PPY squash at Extreme Rules 2014.

Alexander Rusev vs. R-Truth/Xavier Woods

Lana dedicates the match to the most powerful man in the world and her idol: Vladimir Putin. Truth says there’s no time to rap and dedicates the match to the USA. Before the bell, Woods is kicked in the face and into Truth, knocking both of them to the floor. Rusev hits a release belly to belly on the floor to drop Woods and we get the bell as he hammers away on Truth. Fans: “WE WANT LANA!”

Truth gets crushed in the corner but raises a boot to stop a charging Bulgarian. The backflip into the side kick sets up a middle rope dropkick but Rusev is right back up. Lie Detector has almost no effect but an ax kick gets two. Rusev shrugs it off and slams Truth down before the Accolade gets the submission at 2:51. Woods was being checked by doctors for most of the match.

Off to singles matches on PPV at Payback 2014.

Rusev vs. Big E.

Lana does her thing and Rusev is now from Moscow and weighed in kilos. They both hit their running body attacks to start with neither guy going anywhere. A nasty release German puts Big E. down as the fans want Ziggler. Rusev hits a running splash in the corner but Big E. comes back with a kind of STO. Rusev gets back up on the apron and Big E. spears him through the ropes and out to the floor in a BIG collision. Big E. comes up favoring his arm but is still able to get two. The Warrior Splash is countered by the jumping superkick and the Accolade makes Big E. tap at 3:35.

Rating: C+. Another solid match here with Big E. getting to show off before jobbing to the new monster. That jumping superkick is just awesome with Rusev still making great contact despite getting off the ground. The spear through the ropes looked great too as they’re really playing up the physicality tonight.

Rusev would be in a battle royal on Raw, June 16, 2014 for the final spot in the Money in the Bank ladder match.

Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Battle Royal

Titus O’Neil, Damien Sandow, Bo Dallas, Jack Swagger, Diego, Fernando, Curtis Axel, Fandango, Dolph Ziggler, Rusev, Ryback, Sin Cara, Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston, Big E., Roman Reigns, Rob Van Dam, Bad News Barrett, Xavier Woods

Those are all the people on the graphic so there’s a chance I missed a few. Damien is LeBron James because why not. Not that it matters as everyone gets together to put him out ten seconds in. Bo throws Santino out and Rusev does the same thing to both Matadores. Woods gets the same treatment from Rusev and everyone brawls for awhile.

Ziggler is sent to the apron and Reigns eliminates Titus. Swagger puts Sin Cara on the apron before catapulting him out. Kofi can’t get Swagger out and Big E. can’t get rid of Axel. Rusev gets Ziggler to the apron but a kick to the head saves Dolph. Kofi finally gets Swagger out and we take a break. Back with Rusev, Reigns, RVD, Ryback, Ziggler, Fandango, Dallas, Big E., Axel and Barrett still in, meaning Kofi (via Ryback) was the only elimination during the break. Speaking of eliminations, Ryback punches Ziggler out to the floor for his second straight elimination.

Reigns starts cleaning house and even takes Rusev down with a Superman Punch but can’t take care of Ryback that easily. Roman sends Fandango to the apron but has to spear Ryback and Axel down. A kick to the head puts Fandango out and Rusev kicks Reigns in the chest. Big E. dumps Ryback and Reigns throws out Axel. Another kick puts Roman down but Van Dam kicks Rusev in the face. Van Dam and Dallas start fighting but Barrett takes Rob down with a big boot.

Rob comes back with more kicks but Bo shoves him off the corner for a surprise elimination. That could be Bo’s first big feud. Barrett lays out a celebrating Bo and throws him to the apron but Bo hangs on. Nice little call back to the Rumble from a few years ago. Reigns dumps Barrett and Dallas knocks out Big E., but walks into the spear. Dallas is dumped and we’re down to Rusev vs. Roman.

The fans are WAY into this and the slugout is on. Reigns gets the early advantage but walks into a wicked spinwheel kick. They trade running charges in the corner and Reigns puts him on the apron. Some big right hands can’t get rid of the Russian but the Superman Punch sends Reigns to Money in the Bank and the crowd is VERY happy.

Rating: B. I was doubting Reigns for awhile but he’s coming off like a STAR at this point, just like Ambrose. This was a really solid battle royal as there were some good saves and the last bit of the match was really solid stuff. The last pairing is how you should do big matches: take two guys who look unbeatable and have them fight. Notice the reaction and you’ll see why that’s an idea.

Rusev would have a match at Money in the Bank as well.

Rusev vs. Big E.

Big E. hammers away to start and actually has some early success. Rusev in knocked to the apron but gets up a knee to stop the spear through the ropes. The gutwrench suplex drops Big E. and we hit a chinlock from Rusev. A splash misses though and Big E. gets two off a belly to belly. Rusev charges into the Rock Bottom out of the corner for two and Big E. avoids the jumping superkick. Another suplex sends Rusev to the apron and now the big spear connects. Back in and the straps come down but Rusev kicks him in the side of the ear. The jumping superkick and Accolade keep Rusev undefeated at 7:19.

Rating: C-. Better than last month’s match between these two but it was still nothing special. Rusev needs to move up a step as he’s defeated Big E. twice in a row now. It’s good to see him get tested a bit though and that’s what this match was designed to do. Those kicks still look good too.

Here’s Rusev’s first big singles match on Raw, July 7, 2014.

Rusev vs. Rob Van Dam

That’s quite the upgrade in opponent. Rob fires off kicks to start but Rusev says bring it on. A slingshot DDT freaks Lana out but Rusev throws Rob off the top to break up the Five Star. He runs Van Dam over and sends him flying with a fallaway slam. We hit the chinlock as Zeb Colter pops up in an inset interview and officially challenges Rusev for Battleground.

Rusev begs Van Dam to hit him in the ribs before putting on a front facelock. A small package gets two for Rob and he gets a boot up in the corner. Rusev is staggered and there’s a top rope kick to the face. Rolling Thunder has to be aborted and Rusev nails the jumping superkick. The Accolade gets the clean submission at 4:38.

Rating: C-. Not a great match but it’s a very good upgrade for Rusev. It’s more proof that Swagger has no chance at Battleground, but the USA chant and Swagger coming in carrying the American flag will be a great visual. Rusev is getting better and that jumping superkick just looks awesome.

The singles match on Smackdown, July 11, 2014.

Rusev vs. Roman Reigns

They lock up to start until Rusev kicks at the legs to take over. Reigns cleans house with right hands and knocks Rusev to the floor as we take a break. Back with Rusev controlling with a nerve hold before he drops Reigns with a spinwheel kick. We hit the nerve hold again before Reigns’ comeback is squashed by a kick to the chest. The fans think Russia sucks and help Roman fight out of the third nerve hold. A running clothesline drops the Russian and a Samoan drop does it again. The apron kick has Lana freaking out and there’s the Superman Punch, drawing in Orton for the DQ at 6:55 shown of 9:25.

Rating: C. This was decent while it lasted but there was no way either guy was getting a clean win here. Also, a nine and a half minute match on Smackdown doens’t have nearly the same atmosphere that these two had in the battle royal. Build these two up a bit more and make it mean something and the match will be much better.

Next up was a patriotic feud with Jack Swagger, including this flag match at Summerslam 2014.

Rusev vs. Jack Swagger

This is a Flag Match, meaning a regular match with the winner’s flag being displayed after the match. Lana talks about how unrealistic Hollywood is, because there will be no happy ending. Swagger comes out with a military escort and a presentation of the American flag. Rusev jumps Swagger before the bell so Swagger puts on the Patriot Lock. They’re finally separated but Lana says Rusev is too injured to wrestle. The referee says ring the bell and Swagger goes after him in the corner.

Rusev is sent outside but Swagger takes him back inside and hammers away. The Russian keeps running so Swagger runs him over with a clothesline on the floor. All Swagger so far. Back inside and the Vader Bomb is countered with a kick to Jack’s bad ribs. Rusev fires off some shoulders in the corner and puts on a bearhug. Jack can’t belly to belly suplex him and Rusev cannonballs down onto his back again.

Swagger fights back with a running clothesline and a big boot followed by the Vader Bomb for two. The superkick is countered into the Patriot Lock but Rusev quickly rolls out. A hard kick to the ribs has Rusev in trouble and a kick to the face sets up the Accolade. Rusev can’t stand on the bad ankle though so it’s a one legged Accolade instead. Jack rolls over into the Patriot Lock but Rusev rolls over and kicks at the ribs. A spinwheel kick to the shoulder drops Jack again and there’s a Warrior Splash, setting up the Accolade and Swagger is out at 8:53.

Rating: C+. Good match here with both guys bringing their harder games. Swagger looks good by not tapping out and the right guy wins. This should end the feud between the two though and hopefully sends Rusev after Sheamus and the US Title. Does anything else really make sense at this point?

Rematch from August 29, 2014 on Smackdown.

Rusev vs. Jack Swagger

Submission match. Swagger immediately goes after the ankle but he can’t suplex Rusev because of the bad ribs. With that not being an option, Swagger kicks him in the ankle and puts on the Patriot Lock, sending Rusev crawling to the ropes. They head outside with Rusev whipping Swagger into the barricade. We take a break and come back with Swagger being sent back outside but Rusev’s ankle is hurting too badly to follow up. Swagger blocks a kick and puts the Patriot Lock on outside.

Rusev crawls back inside for the break so Jack kicks at the leg in the corner. The Vader Bomb connects but the ribs are hurt even worse. Now Rusev puts Swagger in a Patriot Lock until Swagger rolls through into one of his own. The ropes save Rusev again and he nails the jumping superkick. Rusev hooks the Accolade but Jack gets an arm free and grabs a rope. The hold goes back on in the middle of the ring but Jack powers to his feet. A towel comes flying in and Bo Dallas trips up Swagger to put him back in the full hold, making Swagger tap at 7:03 shown of 10:33.

Rating: C. This is an interesting one as they keep Swagger looking as strong as they can, but having him tap defeats the purpose. It continues to set up Swagger vs. Dallas, but that doesn’t really do as much for me with Swagger submitting. Have him pass out again, or let it be a regular match ending in a pin but the tapping out hurts this. It does however keep Rusev strong and that’s more important long term.

The next big shot American to try their luck was Mark Henry at Night of Champions 2014.

Rusev vs. Mark Henry

Lillian Garcia sings the National Anthem before the match and Henry starts crying. Henry wins the early slugout and Rusev bails to the floor. They do the same sequence again but Henry follows him out the third time. Rusev drives him into the steps to take over before hitting a running splash back inside. He puts on a side choke and things slow down a bit.

Back up and Henry hits a quick splash in the corner but can’t lift him for the World’s Strongest Slam. Rusev nails a spinwheel kick and starts in on the bad back. Henry fights out of an Accolade attempt and nails the World’s Strongest Slam out of nowhere but his back gives out. Rusev wisely rolls outside but comes back in with the running superkick. Now the Accolade goes on and Henry quickly taps at 8:35.

Rating: D. That was pretty much exactly what was expected and it really wasn’t anything interesting. No one gave Henry much of a chance here and can you really blame them? At the end of the day the Hall of Pain period was such an outlier in his career as the rest of his career has been such a mess.

After a verbal showdown with Rock, Rusev would face the Intercontinental Champion in a non-title match on Smackdown, October 10, 2014.

Rusev vs. Dolph Ziggler

Non-title again. Rusev powers him into the corner to start and kicks Ziggler in the back before choking on the apron. Ziggler fights out of a chinlock but misses a Stinger Splash as we take a break. Back with Dolph hammering away but getting caught with the knees to the ribs and fall away slam. Rusev hooks a front facelock with a body scissors but Ziggler finally rolls forward to escape.

A hard shot to the face staggers Rusev and there’s a dropkick for good measure. The running DDT is blocked but Rusev misses a charge, setting up a bad looking Fameasser for one. Back up and the running superkick sets up the Accolade to make Dolph tap at 8:20. This was only a few steps above a squash save for that one flurry.

Rating: C. But I thought Rock buried Rusev on Raw and there was no way he could ever recover. Those comments still make my head hurt but that’s another story for another time. This was a big win for Rusev and they’re getting more and more common. I know the logical story was to have him go over Sheamus for the US Title, but they’re getting to the point where he needs to go into the World Title picture with wins like these. He’s not there yet, but they can’t ignore him much longer.

Rusev is the modern version of the evil Russian and his athleticism makes him quite the force. The problem with a character like him is that once he loses, a lot of his heat is going to go with him. It happens to everyone, but the question is how well can he bounce back. He’ll do something special in the future though, and that’s more than a lot of people can say.

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