http://www.wwe.com/shows/wwebattleground/ryback-injured-27658773

Sounds legit.  I’d assume we get Miz vs. Big Show or a talking segment, but I’d love it if their time was given to Cesaro and/or Rusev.  Those guys deserve it after their performances Monday, and I’m sure a lot of fans will be annoyed if they don’t make it on but Barrett vs. Truth for the crown makes it instead.

They’ve done it again.http://411mania.com/wrestling/tna-cuts-hernandez-scraps-upcoming-impact-segments-due-to-potential-legal-issue/

So this time, Hernandez, who had been appearing on Lucha Underground, said he was free to sign with TNA and appear on their shows.  Apparently though, no one in TNA MADE A SIMPLE PHONE CALL to find out if this was true or not.  Therefore, when Hernandez appeared recently on Impact, he was a Lucha Underground talent, meaning TNA could be in trouble.

Now this wouldn’t be a major problem for most wrestling companies since it was just a few shows, but since TNA has managed to go back to the Disney taping era of WCW, Hernandez is featured a lot going forward, meaning TNA has to scrap all that footage.  This means that his BDC teammates are screwed too, because they can’t edit Hernandez out of the footage so none of those guys are going to be on TV either.  Word is the shows will be edited to feature stuff from Slammiversary until new footage can be shot.

HOW DO THEY KEEP DOING THIS???  TNA makes some of the most boneheaded moves I’ve ever seen in wrestling and they just never stop.  I get that mistakes happen.  I make them every single day, but TNA keeps making these major errors that cost them time, money, good will and the shreds of credibility they have left.  Now MVP and the BDC are sitting out because TNA screwed up with this contract situation (and over freaking HERNANDEZ?  A one note power guy who could have been almost any other bruiser?) and the whole thing is yet another mess that their supporters will laugh off while the rest of the audience just shakes their heads.

In other words, it’s me raving about the Network again with some bonus history.

Monday Nitro #228
Date: February 21, 2000
Location: Arco Arena, Sacramento, California
Attendance: 9,408
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden

It’s the night after SuperBrawl and almost nothing has changed. That’s about as close to the truth as you can get here as no titles changed hands, unless you count a tournament final for a new champion. The big story continues to be Hogan/Sting vs. Flair/Luger as we’re back in the earliest days of this show, minus Randy Savage. Let’s get to it.

Quick recap, with clips instead of stills. Yeah even WCW knows no one was buying the replay.

The NWO, all three of them, arrive. Jarrett promises to get the title by the end of the night but doesn’t even have the US Title on him.

Gene tries to bring out Hulk Hogan to start but here’s Luger instead. Luger calls out anyone that cares about this business to match his physique and yells about the lack of respect. He keeps ranting about Hogan’s arm being broken so here’s Hulk with something to say. Hulk was tired about hearing Luger wanting a next time, so how about that next time being tonight? Oh and there’s a cage above the ring in case someone wanted a challenge, so the rematch is on.

The announcers run down the card for tonight. I can get this on a TV show, but the pay per view version still makes no sense.

Here’s the NWO as the announcers talk about James Brown. That’s still a sore subject guys. Jarrett is tired of being screwed but has a contract saying he’s guaranteed a rematch in case he didn’t leave SuperBrawl with the title. Jarrett says Nash signed that contract, which might be due to the concussion from the guitar shot last week. One last thing: the Harris Brothers are going to be going after anyone Jarrett picks tonight. Great. Another boring team running rampant all night. Can you really still call these guys the NWO when none of them wear NWO gear?

Sid arrives, sans bags or title.

Kidman can’t find his camera.

Madusa looks at the card for tonight and is annoyed that she isn’t on it. She rants about Oklahoma because we need a recap and breaks the board as she shouts about wanting a women’s division. Apparently this is all Oklahoma’s fault.

Kidman vs. Lash Leroux

They trade some flips to start as the announcers debate if Jarrett’s document is valid. It’s going to be one of those stories isn’t it? Speaking of one of those, it’s one of those nights as the Twins come in and destroy Kidman and Leroux. I’m so glad to see Kidman being rewarded for his awesome work recently.

Whoever has stolen the KidCam films Buff Bagwell hitting on Symphony and ripping on Maestro. She turns him down so he says this never happened.

Vampiro vs. Fit Finlay

During the entrances, Tony shills the WCW Magazine, featuring a profile on NWO 2000, complete with Nash and Bret. Finlay blocks an early spinwheel kick and hits Vampiro with his cast. They head outside as Tony promises a ruling on the Jarrett situation next segment. I wait with bated breath. On top of that, the cage match will be last man standing. Heaven forbid Luger take two falls in two days.

Finlay hits him in the throat with a chair and of course the referee is fine with it. Back in and Finlay puts on a half crab of all things but he’s no Lance Storm, meaning Vampiro easily escapes and hits a top rope spinwheel kick, followed by Finlay missing a charge into the post to give Vampiro the rollup pin.

Rating: D. Why do we even have referees at this point? A cast shot and a chair to the throat aren’t enough to draw a DQ? Vampiro does seem like someone who is getting a push, which makes me wonder why he didn’t go over Kidman last night. At least he’s walking after that semi-botched reverse tornado DDT or whatever it was.

Maestro jumps Buff and we’ve got a match for later.

Madusa whispers something to La Parka. He says si.

Booker is upset that he’s lost so many things in his life but he wants Stevie Ray to know that it’s over.

Booker vs. Big Vito

Before the match, Disco has an offer for Booker: he can fight a handicap match for the Tag Team Titles. A right hand seems to be a yes and we’re on.

Tag Team Titles: Booker vs. Mamalukes

The team takes over on the outside until it’s Vito taking over inside, only to have Booker kick both of them down. The Spinarooni sets up the side kick but Disco crotches Booker on the top for the DQ. What in the world was the point of the handicap match if that’s how it was ending?

The Harris Twins come in and clean house.

Terry Funk, with Dustin Rhodes behind him, says you can’t keep him down when he has someone like Rhodes in his corner. Dustin is tougher than his dad and tonight they’ll take care of, who else, the Harris Twins. Rhodes says he would bet on the two of the and tonight the Twins bite the dust. Even if they do, it won’t be a disqualification.

Main event stills.

Sid is livid about something he saw.

Harlem Heat, with Big T. all in pink for reasons I’m not interested in, says that’s what happens to someone like Booker when they turn their back on everyone. Biggs says they have all the royalties now. The new member, formerly known as 4×4, is dubbed Cassius. This would be a better reveal if Madden hadn’t said the name in a throwaway line earlier.

Cruiserweight Title: La Parka vs. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea

The Artist is defending and Oklahoma is on commentary. I’m not even going to wait on this one: La Parka is Madusa. You know it, I know it, and thankfully they make no attempt to hide it. More importantly than that though, I really don’t want to know what Madusa agreed to in order to get that suit, or what La Parka looks like in Madusa’s gear, which he must be wearing at the moment.

Oklahoma gets in the ring and rips the mask off to shock no one. She slaps at Oklahoma because she’s forgotten she knows martial arts, but here’s the real La Parka to hit Oklahoma with a chair. That earns him a middle rope DDT from the pin from the Prince because somehow, that was still a match.

Flair rants about Hogan as Luger warms up.

Terry Funk/Dustin Rhodes vs. Harris Brothers

They’re a team now for reasons. Jarrett jumps in on commentary as the Twins take over to start. Ron slugs Funk down and gets two off an elbow drop as Dustin plays cheerleader. At least he’s not in the 99 Goldust attire at the time. A slam gets two more as I’m thinking having the Twins just run in and hurt people is better than sitting through them wrestle.

The Twins start switching as they’re wearing the same clothes and does it really matter? Well, it does if you’re fighting for the World Title but we won’t hear about that on TV anyway. Terry takes over on Don and puts on the toehold but a Jarrett distraction breaks it up. Sid comes out to chase Jeff away, but not before he knocks out a security guard. We follow the chase to the back and come back to Dustin coming in and turning on Funk. That’s enough of the match so we cut to Jarrett getting in the car. Back to Rhodes wearing Terry out with a chair and that’s the DQ.

Rating: D-. This is going to be the Harris Twins’ show and that wouldn’t fly even in Memphis. Rhodes vs. Funk is as close as we’re going to get to a young guy getting a rub right now so I guess I should be happy, but Dustin on his own is one of the least interesting characters in wrestling. You can see the bullrope match coming from here.

Dustin wears him out even more until the referees break it up.

Buff is ready for Maestro and basically blames the match on Symphony.

Dustin beats up Terry again and steals the ambulance.

Gene says Dustin is on the same route Jarrett is in. I know Gene is good but being able to tell where Jarrett went when he pulled out of a parking lot is impressive.

Sid comes out and says he’ll give Jeff the rematch at Uncensored. He treats this as far more serious than he should.

Kidman and Booker want to fight the Twins.

Ric thinks Dustin did the right thing and wants to send a message to Hogan.

Buff Bagwell vs. Maestro

Maestro, the angry one, gets beaten up to start and the fans seem to approve. Buff slugs him to the mat and runs outside to hit on Symphony, but Maestro knocks her over by mistake. Maestro doesn’t seem to mind as he hammers away, only to have Cat come out for a distraction, allowing Bagwell to hit the Blockbuster for the pin.

Miller isn’t done yet though as he comes to the ring and talks about the bet that Maestro set up. Due to Brown being there, Maestro has to listen to whatever music Miller picks, which is some loud rap music. Maestro goes nuts and beats up Billy Silverman until the music goes off, which calms him back down. I haven’t mentioned it yet but Maestro is the nephew of the original Gorgeous George and you can see the talent there. It really is hit and miss with different families.

Chae and Tygress dance in cages.

We see Hacksaw Jim Duggan as TV Champion on Saturday Night after pulling the title belt out of the trash. Anyone was allowed to challenge him, so Robert Gibson of all people came out and got beat. Steven Regal came out and asked for a shot after the match and Duggan accepted for next week with Regal’s career on the line. I’d be stunned if Saturday Night was ever mentioned on Nitro again.

The Wall vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Wall jumps him from behind, which is becoming way too common these days. Bigelow is sent into the post and Wall starts on the arm of all things. They get inside with Wall kicking him in the face and stomping away on the mat. A middle rope legdrop misses though as the announcers actually talk about the match. The top rope headbutt gets two for Bam Bam and a belly to back gets the same. They’re playing up the idea that Wall won’t stay down. Another belly to back puts Wall down but he pops to his feet and chokeslams Wall off the top for the pin.

Rating: D+. The match was the junk you would expect but they’re doing a good job of setting Wall up for someone to stop. Naturally I’m expecting some old guy to get the win and the whole thing to be a waste of time, but it’s always cool to see someone getting a push like this. Of course this is assuming you ignore Jim Duggan beating him at house shows around this time.

Hogan is behind a piece of cage and screaming for Luger.

Ric wants to fight Arn Anderson. Arn just sitting there staring at him is perfect, as you can imagine Arn doing that to Ric in a thousand bars over the years.

Hogan is ready for Luger and talks about exorcisms for some reason. He still tries to say he’s a Hulk/Hollywood hybrid, but regular Hulk cheats like Hollywood did so no one can tell the difference. Hogan is very glad Sting was there last night, but tonight it’s one on one.

Luger and Flair beat up Jimmy Hart and drag him to the ring for the main event.

Total Package vs. Hulk Hogan

Last man standing in a cage. Back from a break with Luger and Flair beating Hart up at ringside. Some friend Hogan is as he waits for the show to come back to run out for the save. Hulk cleans house with a chair until Ric gets in a low blow. Luger chairs him down and we’re still waiting on them to get inside the cage. They finally get in with Luger stomping away, because that has worked so well on Hogan over the years.

As I finish typing that, Hogan gets up and punches Luger down before ramming him into the buckle ten straight times. Such total devastation! Luger sends him into the cage to take over and the fans actually boo for a change. A bunch of elbows allow Luger to mock Hogan’s posing (oh geez, MOCKING HULK HOGAN???) before hitting the same suplex that triggered the Hulk Up last night.

This time it’s enough to set up the Rack but Luger drops him down and I think you know what’s coming. Flair comes back down (he left?) as Hogan hits the legdrop. The chops that have never worked on Hogan still don’t work and the beating is on. Luger gets in a chair shot to put Hogan down and a bunch of stomping (plus breaking Doug Dillinger’s arm) ends the show. No winner, or Sting for that matter.

Rating: D. Just like last night, this was lame stuff but at least Luger did his big move before the Hulk Up. I really don’t know why this feud needs to continue but I’m assuming we’re getting Hogan vs. Flair AGAIN at Uncensored. The last man standing rule was just a way to prevent Luger from losing while Flair got down there, which could have easily been avoided by having Flair run down during the Hulking Up, but why go simple when you can go complicated.

Overall Rating: D-. I don’t know if it was just the energy but I liked this show a bit better than the last few editions. It’s still a horrible show but at least they were moving around and keeping things from getting boring. That being said, the Jarrett/Harris tandem has hit their ceiling and now we’re going to get to wait until Uncensored to get to anything new. However, speaking of new, there is one thing I like: Booker and Kidman teaming together to fight the Harris Twins. It’s nothing great, but it’s a nice step up for Kidman and ANYTHING other than the Harlem Heat feud for Booker. I’ll take silver linings where I can get them.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XOUNBEA

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: July 13, 2015
Location: Phillips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Byron Saxton

It’s the go home show for Battleground and thankfully Brock is here, hopefully to beat up a pair of cars in a handicap match this week. Other than that we have the rest of the build towards Wyatt vs. Reigns, possibly even including why they’re fighting and what it has to do with Reigns’ daughter, and more stuff including whatever Ambrose might be doing on Sunday. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of last week’s Lesnar beatdown, complete with Heyman reusing the Dudleys’ commandment of don’t screw with Brock. It’s fair to erase the Dudleys from history at this point so it’s not that big a deal. Heyman might have written that line in the first place.

Here are Brock and Heyman to get things going, drawing a SUPLEX CITY chant. For some reason the crushed car is brought out as Heyman proclaims Brock’s impending dominance over Rollins this coming Sunday. Paul lists off Brock’s accomplishments and the various people he’s conquered before promising to have Lesnar suplex Rollins all over the place, put his foot on Seth’s chest and be proclaimed the champion once again.

Cue Rollins and Kane because YAY KANE IS BACK FROM HAWAII OR WHATEVER THAT STUPID STORY WAS! Rollins talks about how Brock is frustrated over his inability to be champion and stumbles over trying to say “an inanimate object” in a funny goof. Brock has been carrying the car around the country (in a truck or on his back?) like a symbol and that’s just fine, because Suplex City is burned to the ground tonight.

Brock offers to take Rollins to Suplex City tonight but Kane intervenes with the threat of a contract signing. Kane threatens Lesnar if he messes up the contract signing but Heyman laughs off the threats from “Undertaker’s baby brother.” Kane is of course annoyed as Heyman goes on about Brock smashing stuff with one final promise of pain to Rollins if he provokes the Beast tonight.

Ryback/Randy Orton vs. Sheamus/Big Show

Miz is on commentary and this is billed as an All-Star match. I’d prefer we go play that over the top video game instead but have it your way. This is the old standard idea of taking two feuds and combining them into a tag match, which is an idea that stays around because it still works. Ryback knocks Sheamus to the floor to start and we’re in a very early break.

Back with Sheamus bailing into the floor to hide from Orton. Apparently Randy is really bad at hide and seek so it’s back to Ryback vs. Big Show with the latter stomping Ryback down onto the mat to take over. Sheamus tries a bearhug and is easily driven into the corner for the tag to Orton. Remember the days when Sheamus was like, really really strong? What happened to that?

Back from a second break with an Irish Curse (backbreaker. OH THE SCANDAL!) for two on Orton but he counters Big Show’s chokeslam into a DDT for a breather. Miz gets off of commentary and shouts on a mic as Ryback comes in and cleans house. Big Show has enough of Miz though and chases him up the ramp, leaving Sheamus to take an RKO and top rope splash from Ryback for the pin at 15:21.

Rating: C+. Nice long tag match here and again, a good way to set up both matches at once. I would have liked a countout or DQ finish instead of having Sheamus take a pin, but it’s a plus that he took two finishers for a pin so it’s hardly clean. Sheamus vs. Orton does nothing for me and the triple threat isn’t much better, but at least there’s something on the line and Ryback has started looking good again.

Network ad.

Rollins doesn’t like the idea of the contract signing but Kane has a plan.

Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt

Good grief people build a midcard already. Wyatt’s name graphic is just letters on a screen now instead of in a box like everyone else. During the entrance though, Reigns appears and lays out Wyatt as Ambrose is just kind of forgotten. Bray finally gets in a lantern shot to escape. No match.

The Bellas have been nominated for Choice Female Athletes in the Teen Choice Awards. Dear goodness I don’t want to know who else they are.

Here are the Bellas and Alicia Fox with something to say. Nikki brags about holding the title forever because AJ Lee MUST be eliminated from history. She’s defended against every single Diva there is and has given them all a chance. A quick search shows that, at least in TV matches, Nikki has defended against AJ, Naomi and Tamina (whose one shot came at Beast in the East) and that’s it. She calls the three of them Team Bella, because all you have to do these days is put the word Team in front of a name. Come up with something more interesting, please.

Nikki goes on about how awesome she is and how dominant they are….and here’s Stephanie McMahon because she hasn’t laid waste to the Divas yet. Stephanie is a face tonight too because there’s something cool coming and therefore she just MUST be there to get a piece of the action. The legacy of the WWE rests on her shoulders (yes, Stephanie says this company’s history is on HER shoulders) and there’s a revolution going on right now in women’s sports, ranging from women’s soccer to UFC to tennis. These are supposed to be applause lines if that’s not clear.

Stephanie introduces Paige, because of ALL DIVAS IN WWE, Paige is the one that would be thrilled to be associated with Stephanie. I mean Paige is clearly a corporate loyalist right? Nikki talks about how Paige doesn’t deserve another shot, but STEPHANIE runs WWE and this division instead of her.

Stephanie, the WWE and Paige want this revolution (what is she even talking about?) but courage can’t do it alone. Therefore, Paige needs backup. Instead of bringing this person out though, Stephanie goes on about how amazing they are and FINALLY introduces Becky Lynch. Now, does Becky get to say anything and introduce herself? Of course not, because that would cut away from Stephanie’s mic time, meaning the boss gets to introduce Charlotte, in that voice that only Stephanie can deliver.

Cole: “STEPHANIE HAS SHAKEN THINGS UP!” I hate this company at times. Stephanie: “WOO!” Oh shut up. Cue Naomi and Tamina with a mic because we haven’t heard enough horrible voices yet. Naomi says the two of them are all the competition the Bellas need. That’s all the mic time she needs too, because Stephanie needs to bring out Sasha Banks. Sasha stands with Naomi and Tamina, but STEPHANIE WON’T SHUT HER FREAKING MOUTH and talks about setting the table for opportunity.

We get a THIS IS AWESOME chant to a legitimately cool moment and the fight is on. Charlotte cleans house until Naomi dropkicks her down, only to have Paige and Sasha get into it. Tamina breaks up the PTO on Naomi but Brie Bella interrupts as the announcers line up to kiss Stephanie’s feet for these new arrivals. Alicia gets caught in the Figure Eight, Becky puts Brie in the armbar and Nikki gets the Bank Statement as a big NXT chant breaks out. The Bellas and Fox are cleared out and the other six yell at each other as the freaking Total Divas theme plays this out.

I’m not going to bother ranting about how Stephanie made this all about her. It’s Stephanie McMahon, she’s the biggest hound for a spotlight that has ever lived in WWE and you know that if there’s a big moment there that people are going to erupt over, she’s going to shoehorn her way in despite the fact that there is absolutely no logical reason for her to be involved.

This story has been about Paige finding help but that’s thrown out the window because Stephanie has basically just decided to turn this story into a chess game for her own amusement. The big sign here: none of them got to talk and then Stephanie just left after she was the only voice you heard for the big moment. The main part here was all about Stephanie look cool and how thankful we should be for her big gift to us and that’s all there is to it.

Aside from all that, this is EXACTLY what the Divas have been needing for so long. All of a sudden, there is some brand new blood in the Divas’ division and the fans buy into it. They know these three are amazingly talented and can tear the house down…..but the Bellas are still around. As long as they’re the focus of the division (and they will be as long as Total Divas is around), the newcomers are going to have to tone it WAY down so Nikki, Brie and Alicia can handle it and that takes away from the NXT crew’s magic. This is going to be interesting, but they could drag things way down for the sake of breaking AJ’s record.

New Day vs. Prime Time Players/Mark Henry

The hometown boy Xavier Woods says this is the greatest town in the world because they stay positive. Even though they shut down the city due to an inch of snow last year and the Atlanta Hawks choked in the NBA Playoffs, they stayed positive. Kofi is 100% that they’re getting the titles back on Sunday because Prime Time is out of time at Battleground because NEW DAY ROCKS.

Titus shrugs off a Kofi kick to start so it’s off to Darren, who clotheslines E. out to the floor. The Players and Henry throw everyone out to the floor (JBL: “FLYING PH.D!”) as we take an early break. Back with Titus taking the rotating stomps in the corner as the announcers talk about how awesome the Divas were. For once, they’re actually right. E. gets two off a splash but Titus is quickly up and tagging in Henry to clean house. Everything breaks down and a World’s Strongest Slam ends Woods at 8:29.

Rating: D+. Good night do they really not know how to set up a tag match anymore? When is the last time New Day won a match? My guess is they get the belts back anyway because that’s how WWE works these days. The match was nothing interesting and Henry is just thrown out there but gets the pin over a #1 contender anyway. Well sure why not.

The winners dance.

Long recap of Lesnar b. Cadillac via TKO last week.

King Barrett vs. R-Truth

No King entrance for Truth and Cole tells us he rapped to the ring during the commercial. Truth gyrates a lot to start and gets kicked in his face. A backbreaker and middle rope elbow get two each on Truth and a boot knocks him onto the apron. Truth fights out of a chinlock as the announcers talk about Tough Enough to kill time. Barrett misses a charge and eats a Lie Detector for the pin at 3:12.

Rating: D-. Good grief it’s going to get a rubber match on Sunday isn’t it? This whole thing is such a waste of whatever they had with the King of the Ring because Barrett hasn’t been embarrassed enough over the years. Bad match, horrible feud, disgusting waste of someone like Barrett for a comedy act.

Truth puts on his king attire.

We recap Rusev destroying Ziggler last week, finally making Rusev feel like a monster (and a wrestler) again.

It’s Open Challenge time and Rusev is here to renew a rivalry that doesn’t need to be renewed. He blames Lana for losing the title in the first place and says he broke Ziggler because of the USA. Before the match though, here’s Kevin Owens with something to say. Rusev says no because he was here first and that Owens needs to pick a single first name. They argue a bit but here’s Cesaro to interrupt as well. Cena heads outside as the three brawl, setting up a triple threat match with the winner getting a title shot immediately after because WHO NEEDS PSYCHOLOGY???

Rusev vs. Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens

Cena is on commentary as Cesaro gets beaten down in the corner. Rusev gets beaten down and Cannonballed, only to have Cesaro hit the running uppercut to Owens’ jaw. Swiss Death gets two on Rusev as Cena puts over the Divas’ segment. Owens has to escape two pinfall attempts, followed by Cesaro doing the same off a Saito Suplex from Rusev. Cena continues to be as good of a commentator as you’ll see in this company, only to have to stop for Cesaro turning Owens’ superplex into a Tower of Doom for two each.

The Russian takes over again as these guys are just hammering each other. Owens blocks Rusev’s German suplex attempt so Cesaro Germans both of them AT ONCE. I know I say this every week but DANG that guy is strong. Since that’s not enough, Cesaro busts out a corkscrew dive over the top to take out both guys. Back in and Cesaro gets two off a high cross body on Rusev but Owens breaks up the Swing with a superkick.

Kevin drops both guys but stops to shout at Cena, allowing Rusev’s Alabama Slam to set up the Accolade. Cesaro saves this time and delays a vertical suplex on the Russian. Well ex-Russian but whatever. Cena keeps making some rather heelish yet totally fair comments about how he’s the lucky one here as these guys are all brawling but he gets to come in fresh. Rusev sends Kevin outside and Owens bails, saying he’ll see Cena Sunday.

Back from a break with Rusev chinlocking Cesaro, only to have the bald one pop up and hit a springboard spinning uppercut to drop Rusev. The apron superplex is countered with Rusev suplexing Cesaro onto the apron to put both guys down onto the floor. Back in again and Cesaro dropkicks Rusev on the top, only to have his superplex countered. The Russian’s top rope splash misses and Cesaro crossfaces Rusev, only to have Rusev power up into something like a spinning Rock Bottom for two more.

Back up again and Cesaro can’t get a Sharpshooter, allowing Rusev to hit a spinwheel kick for two. The Accolade is countered into the Swing which sets up the Sharpshooter, drawing a lout TAP chant. Rusev makes the rope but since this is still officially a triple threat, he has to crawl outside to break the hold. Nice touch of continuity there. Cesaro hasn’t done something cool in all of 14 seconds now so he comes back with a suicide dive. Back in and Cesaro gets tripped off the top, setting up a superkick from Rusev for the pin at 24:02.

Rating: B+. Why not make Cesaro the Intercontinental Champion? Like, just let him go out there and have awesome matches with anyone because Cesaro is pure gold at this point. It’s the simple concept of “hey, this guy is awesome right now so LET’S PUSH HIM!” Unfortunately he’ll probably be forgotten again in three weeks while someone like Barrett or Truth get pushed because they’re funny or something. Like, is Cesaro even going to be on the pay per view?

US Title: Rusev vs. John Cena

The psychology is all over the place here as Cena, the face champion, comes in with a huge advantage since Rusev is spent. Cena starts fast and hits a release fisherman’s suplex followed by a headlock. Rusev bails to the ropes but Cena nails the shoulders. In a nice touch, Rusev can’t get up due to the exhaustion, making the finishing sequence look really awkward. The AA is countered into the Accolade out of nowhere and Cena hangs on for about 45 seconds (fair since Rusev is weakened) until Owens comes back in for the DQ at 4:57.

Rating: D. This was more awkward and weird than bad as Cena was basically wrestling a squash match against a big name until the end where he got caught in a big move. Like I said, this was just strange and would have been FAR better served as a single, four way elimination with Cena involved. It was different, but the execution of the second match didn’t work for me.

Owens gives Rusev a Pop-Up Powerbomb and tells Cena that he’s taking the title on Sunday.

Rollins tells Kane that it’s on him if tonight goes bad.

The Tough Enough cast is on stage when Lita (a coach on the show) comes out with something to say. She officially introduces us to the cast and this is a big waste of time because Tough Enough just isn’t all that interesting this season. It was so uninteresting that I haven’t watched it yet and don’t plan to.

We recap Reigns and Wyatt from earlier.

Stardust (hey he’s back) talks about how the world needs heroes because the world is made up of heroes and villains. “From where I stand, the view never changes.” Neville has been claiming that the forces of evil have forsaken him, but those forces will bring him down. Embrace the strange. Or embrace Cody Rhodes for a change.

Barrett vs. Truth for the crown on Sunday. If Rusev and/or Cesaro aren’t on that show, I lose so much of my faith in this company, meaning I fully expect it to happen.

Stardust vs. Neville

Neville is no longer the New Sensation, which is one of the best things that could happen to him. A loud CODY chant starts up but let’s just keep him as Stardust because it’s done wonders for his career. Stardust isn’t interested in a handshake and kicks Neville down, only to have to get up before the Red Arrow can launch. There’s a cartwheel from Star and we hit the chinlock.

As has been the trend tonight, this match is bizarre as the fans are cheering Stardust instead of the guy they’re pushing as an actual superhero. It’s funny how such shortsightedness works. Neville fights back to silence (I’m stunned too) but Stardust rolls him up and grabs the trunks for the pin at 4:09. JBL: “Go to the pay window young man!”

Rating: D. So let’s see. They’ve (so far) wasted any potential for Cody coming off his father’s passing, Neville looks lame because no one wants to boo the son of a legend whose father recently passed away, and then Stardust cheats instead of getting to make this an important and cool moment. Oh and the match wasn’t any good either. What a mess as psychology means nothing around here.

It’s time for the contract signing to close things up this week. Rollins and Kane are out first and the champ talks about watching the footage of the car being destroyed again. After this Sunday, Suplex City will be a memory and he’ll still be champion, but here’s a Beast to disagree. Well, likely to stand there while Heyman disagrees. Paul says Rollins wants to burn Suplex City down, but the fans want to see him get taken apart for his breaking of the eleventh commandment.

People want to see Rollins get beaten up and that’s what they’re going to see this Sunday when he gets kicked, slapped, punched, suplexed, F5’d and dethroned. Rollins signs anyway, as does Brock, and there goes the table. Kane comes at Brock but Lesnar pulls out an ax handle and actually flips the table back up. The fight is on again and Rollins goes flying. Kane breaks up an F5 on the floor and Rollins hits him with the ax handle.

Some steps to the head have Brock in more trouble but Beast Mode prevails with Kane taking an F5 on the floor. There goes Rollins into the crowd, leaving Brock to crush Kane’s ankle on the steps, likely making this Sunday one on one. Brock poses with the title but we’re not done yet as Rollins comes back to ringside and yells about being the man to slay the Beast on Sunday. Medics tend to Kane so Rollins yells at him too, calling Kane’s career one big disappointment. This is on Kane and Rollins kicks him in the ankle to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. This is a great example of a show where the good was good but the bad was really bad. Some of these matches and stories are disasters and I really don’t think I need to explain which is which. The show wasn’t terrible and had some VERY good stuff going on, but between Stephanie throwing herself into a feud she has nothing to do with and the battle of the kings that no one wants to see and a few other big misses, I wanted this show to end instead of wanting to like it. Not the worst by any means and the Divas segment (once it was about them) was great, but WAY too much bad to hold it back.

Results

Ryback/Randy Orton b. Sheamus/Big Show – Top rope splash to Sheamus

Mark Henry/Prime Time Players b. New Day – World’s Strongest Slam to Woods

R-Truth b. King Barrett – Lie Detector

Rusev b. Kevin Owens and Cesaro – Superkick to Cesaro

Rusev b. John Cena via DQ when Kevin Owens interfered

Stardust b. Neville – Rollup with a handful of trunks

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XOUNBEA

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Today let’s take a look at one of the iconic people who dedicated their lives to wrestling – Andre the Giant. This big guy, who weighed 240 pounds (110 kg) by the age of 12, attracted lots of attention in the ring, especially when wrestling against other popular names at the time such as Hulk Hogan. Even though there is Andre the Giant Memorial, which is organised in his honour, as well as a whole movie inspired by Andre, the thing that seemed very interesting to us is a slot machine whose main inspiration is the famous wrestler and actor. This five reel and 25 payline slot was developed by a popular company in the gambling industry called NextGen Gaming and, honestly, it’s pretty entertaining.

Before continuing to the excellent symbols and special features that will make all Andre’s fans go crazy, here are some basic information about this online slot machine. Andre the Giant features five reels in total and only three symbols show per reel. The total number of paylines is 25, but players are allowed to play with as little as only one active payline. The minimum coin size on this machine is very low 0.02 and hence that is the lowest bet amount as well. However, the maximum coin size is reasonable 4 credits and hence risk seekers can place a 100 credit bet per spin.

Two useful features on this slot machine are the autoplay mode as well as the gamble option. Therefore, players can play anything from 5 to 500 spins with just one click on the mouse. The gamble mode, on the other hand, makes it possible for gamblers to double or quadruple their winnings if they manage to guess the colour or the suit of the face-down card.

However, the real fun on Andre the Giant slot starts the moment you spin the reels for the first time. The game is rich with authentic symbols that we all love and respect. There is an angry wrestler whose face is hidden with a scary mask as well as a referee who is waving his hand. Naturally, such a game cannot go without the wrestling ring or the champion belt. These previously mentioned symbols are, in fact, the best paying symbols as well. Other symbols connected to the wrestling ring are a blue mask, a resting chair and a pair of wrestling boots. However, there are some icons inspired by the audience and hence players will spot cheering signs, hot-dogs and event tickets on the reels as well.

It may seem surprising why among hundreds of games featured at casinos in South Africa, Europe and Australia, Andre the Giant is a title that always has players’ attention. Nevertheless, once you try this game everything becomes as clear as day. Andre the Giant is THE GAME for wrestling fans, especially if you are lucky enough to activate the bonus game. First of all, let’s point out that the symbol of Andre himself is the wild symbol. This means that when the symbol appears on reel 2 or 4 it expands on the whole reel and increases the chances of scoring a winning combination.

Now, back to the bonus round called Battle Bout Bonus! This bonus round is activated by three or more scatter symbols which are presented by the game logo. Score three of them and boom, you are given 10 free games. During the free spins you will notice four amusing symbols on the reels – hug, chop, choke and head butt. Collect these attacks and you can use them afterwards in the ring against Voltage Van Zandt, Flame Bro or Jummy Iron Legs. Once the free spin rounds are completed, the game opens a second window that takes you in the ring where your Andre is fighting the opponent you have selected. Choose your moves wisely and score some giant prizes!

To sum up, what’s the rating of this slot machine? We sure would rate it with an A! NextGen Gaming took care even of the slightest detail of this game and its designers carefully developed all symbols in order to perfectly match the theme. They paid their respect to one of the world’s greatest wrestlers by developing a slot that includes not only his face, but his signature moves too. Finally, if not giving Andre the Giant a chance because of fan favourite Andre, we advise you to try it because of the juicy prizes that wait to be won.

Monday Night Raw
Date: July 13, 2015
Location: Phillips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Byron Saxton

It’s the go home show for Battleground and thankfully Brock is here, hopefully to beat up a pair of cars in a handicap match this week. Other than that we have the rest of the build towards Wyatt vs. Reigns, possibly even including why they’re fighting and what it has to do with Reigns’ daughter, and more stuff including whatever Ambrose might be doing on Sunday. Let’s get to it.

And so are we, assuming she lets me watch Battleground this Sunday.

Saturday Night’s Main Event #2
Date: October 5, 1985
Location: Meadowlands Arena, East Rutherford, New Jersey
Attendance: 8,000
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jesse Ventura

One of the best things about the first episode of this series was how few names were used. There was the opening six man tag, the four wrestlers (and Mr. T.) in the Piper’s Pit and title match, the girls and Junkyard Dog. That leaves a huge cast of characters to look at in upcoming episodes and that’s exactly what we’re going to do here. This episode has several of the people on the first show but also a bunch of other names that we haven’t seen yet. Let’s get to it.

Nikolai Volkoff and Freddie Blassie promise to take the WWF World Title back to Russia and then push the missile button to destroy us all. Volkoff and Sheik have lost the Tag Team Titles to the US Express, who have since lost them to the Dream Team, who we’ll be seeing later.

Hulk Hogan tells America not to worry.

Hillbilly Jim, Cousin Luke and Uncle Elmer (the resident hillbillies) are ready for Elmer’s wedding and the reception later tonight. Piper comes in and mocks the whole thing.

Opening sequence, again with different people than last time but still ending with Hogan.

Vince and Jesse run down the card. Ventura thinks the wedding is going to be boring.

WWF World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Nikolai Volkoff

We get the Russian national anthem and Real American Hulk Hogan actually doesn’t interrupt. Instead we get an on the floor promo from Hogan, who hates seeing the Russian flag flying in an American ring. He’ll be carrying the Stars and Stripes to the ring and promises that it’s the only flag you’ll see after the match is over. Hogan actually comes to the ring to Stars and Stripes Forever instead of Real American in a nice touch.

The evil Russian jumps the champ before the bell and chokes him with a shirt. Hogan blocks a ram into the buckle though and hammers away in the corner before nailing a hard running clothesline. Some headbutts and right hands put Volkoff down again and a boot to the chest puts him onto the timekeeper’s table. Volkoff lands on the bell, causing it to ring in a funny bit.

Nikolai sends Hulk into the post to take over though and stomps away on the back inside. The gorilla press (not the full version) backbreaker plants Hogan but Volkoff doesn’t go for the cover. Hulk powers out of an over the shoulder backbreaker but Nikolai pounds him back down again. A slam gets two and it’s Hulk Up time. Hulk avoids a charge in the corner and the big leg is enough to retain the title.

Rating: D+. Again, the idea here was to get Hogan on free TV but this was short and dull for the most part. Volkoff was pretty much just a strong oaf who could talk about how great Russia was and then get beaten up by a real American. It was a simpler time, but it would have been nice to have someone that could have had a better match than Volkoff.

Hogan spits on the Russian flag and throws it on the ground.

Post break Hogan says he’d love to beat up Volkoff again and calls him baby doll. Hogan is ready for the wedding as well.

The bride is getting ready.

The Hillbillies aren’t worried about anything they have to do tonight.

Jerry Valiant vs. Uncle Elmer

The bell rings, Elmer slams him and gets the pin. It barely broke ten seconds and is announced as a new record of six seconds.

We see the King Kong Bundy vs. SD Jones match from Wrestlemania I that held the old record of nine seconds, even though it was more like twenty one. I still don’t know how they got nine out of that.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is here and it’s really not treated as that big of a deal.

It’s time for Jesse Ventura’s Body Shop interview segment. His guest is Bobby Heenan, who has issued a $50,000 bounty on the head of former client Paul Orndorff. Heenan suggests that Orndorff just retire instead of try to fight back.

Orndorff doesn’t think the bounty is anything to worry about and laughs at the idea that Piper is already spending the money.

Piper says he’ll rip Heenan’s throat out if he doesn’t pay off. Tonight he can make some money and get rid of someone he can’t stand. He also doesn’t think Elmer should get married because it means he could reproduce and who would want that?

Roddy Piper vs. Paul Orndorff

Piper comes out to a full pipe and drums band. It’s a brawl to start with Piper going right at it like the fighting villain that he is. A boot to the face puts Orndorff down and Piper rams his head into the mat over and over. Orndorff comes back and hammers away before they start ripping at each others’ faces. Piper keeps stomping away as the fans all stand up to look at something in the audience.

The guys head outside with Orndorff throwing a chair back inside but coming in with a shot to the head. A belly to back suplex drops Roddy but he comes back with a poke to the eye and a kneelift. They hit heads and Orndorff gets up first, nailing a cross body to take both guys outside. Neither guy cares about the count and they brawl up the aisle for the double countout.

Rating: C+. Really fun brawl here with both guys beating the tar out of each other until they went to the appropriate ending. In theory this sets up a big series of matches on house shows where they could have a real winner. These two had great chemistry together and this was very fun stuff.

It’s time for the wedding with Okerlund playing the organ and Uncle Elmer in his overalls and a tie. The wrestlers are the wedding party with Andre in his tights and Hogan in a sleeveless shirt and bow tie. The minister calls the groom Uncle Elmer and everything goes fine until Elmer can’t understand the minister and messes up the vows.

Roddy Piper interrupts and says there’s no room for romance in wrestling. That goes nowhere as the wedding goes on without any major hitch. This went on for a good while and never really did anything of note. In theory it was supposed to be funny but it never reached that point. From what I’ve read, this was an actual wedding rather than just a storyline.

Some pigs and chickens are running around the reception area.

Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy, Heenan’s pair of giants, say they’re going to prove that they’re the real giants of wrestling instead of Andre. They recently cut Andre’s hair to give him his best remembered look.

Tony Atlas/Andre the Giant vs. Big John Studd/King King Bundy

Atlas is a power wrestler. This was set up when Andre was beaten down by the giants, so Atlas is here to help him out. Andre chokes Bundy to start and takes him into the corner for some big hip shots. Off to Atlas who is easily knocked over with a shoulder but avoids a splash. Studd comes in and drills Tony with a shoulder of his own but gets rocked by some headbutts.

Tony misses a dropkick though and John stomps away. Bundy gets in a cheap shot when Andre goes after Studd, but Tony crawls over for the tag a few seconds later. We get an awkward sequence as Andre doesn’t seem sure of what to do before he just lays on Studd against the ropes. A big boot sends John outside but Bundy comes in with a cheap shot. Studd rams Atlas into the post and the giants double team Andre for a double DQ.

Rating: D+. Not much to this one but it was designed to set up something later on. At the end of the day, Atlas just wasn’t much of a partner for Andre as he needed someone a bit bigger to hang in there with monsters like Bundy and Studd. The match wasn’t anything to see but it advanced a major story.

Hogan comes in to save his old friend Andre, setting up another showdown later on.

Gene Okerlund, in safari gear, is on a hunt. Granted the tiger print jeep doesn’t do much for his camouflage. Apparently he’s hunting for George Steele and has been told to look in the Detroit Zoological Park. Steele is right there and hasn’t been seen since undergoing shock treatment, which gave him the ability to speak for a few moments before another shock turned him back to his normal self. He and Gene look at some animals, including a tiger (Steele: “Detroit!”), a weasel (“Heenan!”) and a hippopotamus (“Bundy!”). George runs off into some bushes. I miss these segments outside the arena as they make things a bit more interesting.

The new Tag Team Champions the Dream Team (Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake) are willing to fight anyone. We see a clip of Brutus blinding Barry Windham to win the titles. Barry and Rotundo will be sitting ringside for the match.

Tag Team Titles: Dream Team vs. Tony Garea/Lanny Poffo

Garea is an old timer and five time Tag Team Champion. Poffo is more famous as the Genius and Randy Savage’s brother. Valentine easily slams Lanny down and works on a headlock before tagging in Brutus. Poffy quickly fights back and drops both guys before getting two off a moonsault to Beefcake. The champs work over Poffo in the corner but he finally dives over and tags in Garea. Tony speeds things up for a bit and takes over until Beefcake gets in a cheap shot from the apron, allowing Valentine to put on the Figure Four to retain the titles. Windham and Rotundo didn’t do a thing.

Rating: D+. Total squash again here with the champs never being in anything resembling danger. Then again they were in there against a couple of jobbers so the ending never was in much doubt. The division was about to take off in another year or so with the Dream Team being one of the last teams of the old era.

We go to the wedding reception where Jesse is writing a poem for the bride and groom. Hogan thinks this could launch Elmer to the top of the WWF. Lou Albano is eating with Cousin Luke and tries to teach him some manners. Poffo, still sweaty and in his gear, reads a poem of his own for the couple, ending it with a plug for NBC. Hillbilly Jim says he’s open for dinner invites every Sunday.

There’s a special guest: Tiny Tim! Who is that you ask? Well he’s a guy who had a novelty song called Tiptoe Through The Tulips which he sang while playing his ukelele. Tim was involved in a nationally televised wedding before this and has been mentioned throughout the night. He gives Elmer a ukelele and that’s it for Tim tonight.

Jesse reads his poem and calls the whole thing wrong. Wrestling and romance don’t belong together so all the good guys throw him into a cake to end the show.

After a break, Vince announces Hogan/Andre vs. Bundy/Studd on the next show, a month from tonight. Hogan is excited about the match and we go to our last break before dancing ends the show.

Overall Rating: D. This one really didn’t do it for me as most of it was based around the wedding and it really wasn’t all that entertaining. Why should I care about a comedy character getting married on national TV? It comes off like nothing but a ratings ploy, which really shouldn’t be necessary on the second show of a series.

The wrestling wasn’t much better here as most of the matches were either really quick or just there to set up something later on down the line. Thankfully it’s a short line with only a month before the next episode. The Hogan and Andre team is going to wind up being something important, but we’re a good way off from that. Bad episode here though.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XOUNBEA

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

SuperBrawl 2000
Date: February 20, 2000
Location: Cow Palace, San Francisco, California
Attendance: 8,569
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden, Mike Tenay

Well the TV shows have been some of the least interesting things I’ve ever had to sit through, so maybe the pay per view will be the complete opposite and be entertaining. I mean, stranger things have happened right? The main events tonight are Sid Vicious defending the World Title against Jeff Jarrett and Scott Hall in a three way, plus Hogan vs. Luger and Funk vs. Flair because they haven’t replaced the Radicalz, but these old guys are still going to be fighting each other no matter who else is on the card. Let’s get to it.

The opening video starts by focusing on Funk vs. Flair. The start of Funk’s promo overlaps the opening narration as they can’t even get something simple like “wait five more seconds” right. Sid defending the World Title is billed third here.

We open with, of course, a promo. Jarrett and the Twins leave the Commissioner’s office along with the girls, much to Gene’s shock. Much to my shock too as the Twins were banned from the building. Jarrett says he’s in charge due to hitting Nash with the guitar on Thunder. His first ruling: the Twins are allowed at ringside.

The announcers run down the card to fill in even more time, including the “Special Main Event Match” with The Demon vs. The Wall.

We recap the Cruiserweight Title tournament, including the matches between people not even in the finals. This gets us to over ten minutes of filler before the first match starts.

Cruiserweight Title: The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea vs. Lash Leroux

The title is vacant coming in and Artist has Paisley with him. Lash spanks Paisley and gets punched in the face. Some southern gentleman. Prince hammers away at the shoulder (allegedly head) in the corner but gets shoved down onto a very loud ring. Lash’s version of Flip Flop and Fly is broken up by a superkick to the face, only to get sent to the floor for a dive from the southern non-gentleman. Back in and Prince doesn’t seem to mind being crushed by a dive as he ties Lash up in the Tree of Woe for a running knee. Oh yeah Kevin Sullivan is in charge.

Lash tries a sunset flip but Iaukea grabs Charles Robinson’s crotch to stay on his feet before licking his own finger and pressing it to Lash’s head. The Artist keeps yelling at the referee (to be fair Robinson didn’t seem to like having his crotch grabbed) and Paisley gets on the apron for no apparent reason other than to give us a bright purple bodysuit as a distraction. Lash slugs away but the Paisley distraction lets Prince hit the middle rope DDT for the pin and the title.

Rating: D. This was a Thunder match with a lame ending that did nothing to get the fans into the show. These two are the least interesting guys in the entire tournament (yes, less interesting than Kaz Hayashi) and they wind up in the finals. A member of 3 Count should have won this and then feuded with some other cruiserweight to build that person up as the new big deal. Instead it goes to Iaukea, who isn’t over and hasn’t been over in about three years since he beat Regal for the TV Title. Calling him over back then is a stretch but it’s as close as he ever got otherwise.

Norman Smiley has his ribs taped up after being chokeslammed through a table on Thunder.

Brian Knobbs yells about never giving up.

There’s a private room that no one is allowed inside. If no one is allowed inside, why bother looking at it? In theory wouldn’t that mean no one is inside in the first place?

Hardcore Title: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Brian Knobbs

Brian is challenging so naturally he lost on TV this week. He also has a broken arm thanks to Luger. The brawl starts early and here’s Fit Finlay, who has been feuding with Knobbs in recent weeks but of course starts helping him here. Madden: “The title moves around a lot.” Bigelow is the third champion in about four months. That’s not moving around that fast. The World Title has changed hands seven times in January. If the Hardcore Title moves around a lot, the World Title took third in the 100m at the 1984 Olympics.

Knobbs and Bigelow fight into the back as Tenay says no one holds the belt that long. The first reign was a month and a half and the second was about a month. Would a little research kill these people? Bigelow throws him into a table of stuff but Finlay blasts the champ in the back of the head. Finlay is too talented to be involved here though and Knobbs says he wants to do this himself.

They head back to the ring where it’s table time, which leads to an interesting, semi-fourth wall breaking discussion of why there are so many tables under the ring. Knobbs sends himself through the table by mistake, setting up the Greetings From Asbury Park. Bigelow goes up top instead of covering and gets hit with with cast, knocking him out to the floor to give Brian the pin and the title.

Rating: F. It was boring, it didn’t make sense, and above all else it was poorly researched. If there’s one thing I want in my hardcore matches, it’s a heavily detailed bibliography with footnotes and references, along with a recommendation of other hardcore matches worth watching for further education. Is that too much to ask?

Flair and Luger are ready.

Sid and Hall’s dressing rooms are guarded.

3 Count vs. Norman Smiley

No singing tonight because it’s time to fight. No shoulder pads for Norman tonight either. Norman’s ribs are injured thanks to Wall chokeslamming him through a table. Tony: “Let’s take a look at the angle that lead to his injury.” Smiley cleans house to start and backdrops Shannon so hard over the top that he clears the other band members.

3 Count takes over without going after the ribs, though in their defense the ribs are covered by a 49ers jersey. The ribs are fine enough for a giant swing to Helms but Shannon breaks up the Big Wiggle. Shane and Shannon stop to dance, allowing Norman to wiggle instead. The band finally finds the bad ribs and stomps Norman down in the corner, setting up a pair of top rope splashes and a Boston crab to make Smiley give up.

Rating: D. So you give Norman a 3-1 disadvantage and an injury and then have him lose. Points for being logical, points taken away for killing the crowd by having the fan favorite lose. I like that they’re pushing 3 Count, but if they think this is going to get the fans to care about them, they’re even more lost than I thought.

Jarrett wants the Harris Brothers to find out who is in the locked room.

The Demon vs. The Wall

This is the MAIN EVENT MATCH, which is WCW’s way of fulfilling their contract with Kiss without wasting a main event on Demon. There’s no Wall because he realized how stupid this whole thing is. Demon goes to find him and gets jumped from behind, triggering another brawl.

Wall takes it inside and chokes with his boot as this is looking like a squash to start. Demon comes back with a clothesline and stomps away before mixing it up by punching in the corner. Back up and Wall drops him ribs first onto the ropes, only to get slammed off the top. The fans are already jeering this match so thankfully Wall chokeslams him off the top for the pin.

Rating: F. On pay per view mind you. This actually happened on pay per view. But it was a MAIN EVENT MATCH so everything is fine right? Demon was a character that was dead in the water before he started but at least they seem to be trying with Wall. I’d be stunned if he isn’t just being built up as cannon fodder for someone else but he’s getting a push for now.

Ernest Miller promises that James Brown is here. Apparently Beethoven stole his stuff from Little Richard, who stole it from James Brown. The things you learn around here.

The Twins can’t get into the room.

We recap Tank Abbott vs. Big Al, because this needs a story. Actually it does, as I have no idea why they’re fighting. Al is Tank’s former bodyguard from the UFC, so they’re having a leather jacket on a pole match.

Tank Abbott vs. Big Al

Al is in jeans and a biker vest. He takes off his belt and they tie their hands together, which means Tank is going to have to……oh dear goodness he’s going to have to wrestle. Or just throw left hands and swear a lot. Al hits him with a forearm that breaks the belt and seems to knock Tank out cold. Then he takes forever to wrap Tank’s legs around the post but stops, says that’s too good for him, and gets back inside. Back in and Al stands on his face, making sure to lean against the ropes.

Tank slugs him down and then throws Al onto his shoulders. For some reason he climbs all the way to the top, where he drops Al down, sending him feet first into the steps and head second onto the floor. By the way, to Bill Watts, THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE MATS OUT THERE (I read his book recently and he still thinks the biggest danger is a sprained ankle if you step on the edge). With Al somewhere between unconscious and dead, Tank goes out and hits him once in the chest before going up for the jacket and the win.

Rating: Spencer Tracy in Father of the Bride. That’s as logical of a rating as I can give you after this. We had Al, who just appeared but has never wrestled before and I don’t believe will after this match, against Tank Abbott, who also isn’t a wrestler (at least by my definition), in a match about a leather jacket. Throw in the likely brain trauma for Al and this is one of the biggest calamities I’ve ever seen.

And now, for the infamous part. Abbott finds a knife in one of the jacket pockets and holds it over the unconscious Al’s throat, where he says he could kill Al right now. Tony suggests that they were scissors and that Abbott was going to cut Al’s beard. That line has been mocked a lot over the years, but I’ll actually give Tony credit for thinking it up that fast. Have you got a better idea for what he should be saying there? Now that being said, it would have been a lot better if Al actually had a beard.

We recap the battle of Harlem Heat. Stevie Ray claimed that Booker had forgotten where he came from and has since given Booker’s spot on the team to Big T. This of course includes the rights to the letter T. Booker was also arrested on attempted murder charges because he hit an atomic drop on J. Biggs. That’s a bit harsh. I mean, maybe he was just trying to cut off Biggs’ beard.

Booker tries to keep it simple by saying he’ll teach Big T. a lesson tonight. The T isn’t mentioned.

Booker vs. Big T.

For the rights to Harlem Heat. Oh and Booker has Leave It To Beaver music because he’s lost the rights to the Harlem Heat song. Stevie has promised that someone is coming back from Booker’s past to cost him the match tonight. That pretty much leaves Sherri Martel and Midnight unless it’s someone new. T. pounds on not-T to start but Booker comes back with a weak Angle Slam and a suplex.

Stevie grabs Booker’s foot (sounds like a hostile takeover of the B on Booker’s boot) so T. can knock Booker to the floor. Back in and Booker hits his kicks before knocking Biggs off the apron. There’s the Book End and missile dropkick but the lights go out. Thank goodness the referee counted so slowly. The bell tolls midnight and the lights come up with a large man (maybe 4×4 from the No Limit Soldiers) to distract Booker, setting up the Pearl River Plunge to pin Booker. I guess it was too much to ask the guy to actually do anything but stand there.

Rating: D-. Now, NEVER LET THEM FIGHT AGAIN. Big T. is worthless at this point and adding someone even bigger doesn’t make the team mean anything more. Booker is stuck in this stupid story because the idea of moving him up the card is a sin of some sort. I’m sure we’ll get another match though as Booker will find someone to team with him next time.

The Maestro is sick of hearing about James Brown and has a bet in mind: if Brown isn’t here, Miller has to be Maestro’s servant. If Brown is here, Maestro will listen to any music Miller picks exclusively. Keep in mind that this whole bet has been set up on the night of the show with about 100 minutes of air time left. This falls under the theory that if you have a good looking woman in the background (Symphony here), the scene is much easier to sit through.

The Twins beat up a backstage worker who can’t unlock the door. I know they’re not known for being too bright, but is it that complicated to have two 6’6 300lb monsters kick in a wooden door?

We get a WAY too long recap of Kidman vs. Vampiro, who had two good TV matches and then Vampiro walked out on him in a tag match. Tonight is the tiebreaker and the Wall is also involved in some way, though he isn’t appearing in this match. Therefore, I’m sure you get why he’s featured in the recap video. The video goes on for nearly two minutes, which might set a record for the longest recap of a midcard match ever.

Vampiro vs. Kidman

The announcers spend the entrances talking about how Kidman has moved up from the Cruiserweight division, which is a nice sentiment but I’m not sure how accurate it really is given that he’s fighting Vampiro in a midcard match. Feeling out process to start with Kidman grabbing a headlock (a non-cruiserweight headlock of course) but Vampiro punches him in the head, allowing Kidman to hurricanrana him out to the floor.

Back in and Vampiro scores with a dropkick as the fans are eerily silent. A quick shot of Torrie helps a bit and Kidman counters a powerbomb (duh), only to have his knee dropkicked out from under him. Torrie gets knocked off the apron so Kidman snaps Vampiro’s neck across the top to go check on her. Madden does his best Jerry Lawler impression but it comes off as far more creepy stalker than loveable dirty old man like Lawler. Vampiro slams Kidman in and gets two off a snap suplex.

A Fameasser (called the Dropper according to Tenay) gets two more as Madden makes up a bit for being creepy by saying this could be a US Title match in a year and a World Title match in two years. Kidman’s top rope hurricanrana (which he used to win the first match) gets two but Vampiro blows my mind by doing the unthinkable: he powerbombs Kidman……TWICE!!! Since the announcers don’t get one of Kidman’s biggest deal, they treat this as nothing special.

In a very quick ending, Kidman goes up top for a sunset bomb but turns around into a kind of super reverse DDT for the pin. It looked really awkward and Vampiro is slow to get up. It’s not quite Big Al being dropped onto the concrete from above the top rope, but that was a totally non-cruiserweight pulling Vampiro down in a reverse DDT. That has to hurt.

Rating: C-. Pretty uninspired stuff here but at least they only took seven matches to get something to go six minutes. This was treated like a big feud but it never came off as anything more than taking two guys with talent and throwing them together because the company had nothing better to do with them. Somehow I’m sure they’ll be blamed for the crowd not caring after an hour of really dull stuff.

Funk promises to win the death match with Dustin Rhodes in his corner.

Sid tells security to get away from his door.

David Flair, Daffney and Crowbar have fun with the stretcher.

We recap the Tag Team Title match, which is over Vito’s sister’s wedding being broken up by the crazy people. Therefore, tonight is an Italian stretcher match for the Mamalukes’ titles in the third match between these teams.

The Mamalukes don’t accept their family being hurt by anyone. It’s so bad that Johnny doesn’t want a cheese sandwich.

Tag Team Titles: Crowbar/David Flair vs. Mamalukes

Mamalukes are defending and this is suddenly a Sicilian stretcher match. Both members of a team have to be taken up the aisle on stretchers to end this. The brawl starts on the floor, as you would expect, with Disco getting in on commentary as you would also expect. Naturally we look at him as Tony says this is a shoot to him. This is one place where I would prefer WWE’s current way too tough commentary restrictions. If any of those words were spoken on Raw, Vince would probably come out and beat Cole senseless live on TV.

The champions run down the crazy guys with a stretcher, which Daffney finds hilarious. They head inside instead of trying to take them the other way on the stretcher because this company’s wrestlers aren’t that bright. Daffney comes in for a hurricanrana on Johnny, which seems to just annoy him. A lead pipe to the back (so lead that it bends as it hits Johnny) puts Johnny down again and the champs are in trouble. The fans are trying to get into this but it’s really not lasting. My hearing isn’t lasting either after Daffney screeches into the camera.

Crowbar hits a Lionsault onto Vito and it’s time to break up the stretcher. Tony does his “I can’t believe we’re watching this” voice and Vito powerbombs Crowbar through the table. Apparently Disco has been poked in the eye and can’t tell what is happening to who. Johnny jumps from the mat to the top rope ala Shelton Benjamin for a spinning legdrop (with an acceptable pause for balance).

David is taped onto the stretcher and the referees wheel it to the back because……I don’t care why because this is closer to being over. Crowbar dives onto both Mamalukes as the fans are just silent here. Daffney rings the bell to confuse things even more, which somehow takes two minutes for the announcers to figure out. Vito splashes Crowbar through a table on the floor and puts he and Daffney (Madden: “The screams are usually a sign she’s enjoying herself.”) on the stretcher to finally end this.

Rating: D. There are multiple problems here, but the biggest problem is who was in the match. Flair and Crowbar are a freakshow team and the Mamalukes are just ok. That’s the problem with them: they’re just so average that there’s nothing interesting to say about them. The other problem here is we’ve covered this already. The Mamalukes have beaten Flair and Crowbar three times now and there’s nothing left to say with this feud. Unfortunately, who else is there for them to feud with? 3 Count? The Harris Twins? That’s about as good as the division has at this point, which goes back to my request: HIRE NEW PEOPLE!

With the Mamalukes’ music still playing, Jarrett and the Twins leave their locker room. This was a fifteen second segment and changed nothing.

Sid promises to prove that he’s the World Champion because he deserves to be.

Here’s Ernest Miller for the big talking segment, which for some reason is about ERNEST MILLER. He dances to the ring and rips on the fans for being rednecks who didn’t believe he could get James Brown. “You didn’t believe me and James Brown were like two neckbones in a pot!” After some more insults, here’s a James Brown impersonator so bad that Rick Bognar is off somewhere shaking his head.

Cue the Maestro and Symphony because this is really happening on pay per view. Maestro sounds like he’s trying to use an accent but can’t decide what country it’s supposed to be from. Miller isn’t going to do anything Maestro says and there goes James’ sunglasses, revealing that it’s not the real one.

Cue a bunch of dancers, leading down the real James Brown with another entourage. The Maestro’s reaction (jaw hanging open and then fainting) is awesome but this just keeps going to destroy any good feelings. Miller and Brown dance and I think this is a face turn. I know I want to cheer for someone who was calling the fans stupid rednecks when this started but hey, he brought out a singer to dance with him.

The announcers act like this is awesome as it just continues. Brown gives Miller his cape for a passing of the torch or whatever but they have to pose on the apron before this is finally done. Total time between Miller’s music starting and cutting to ANYTHING else: 12:06, or longer than any match so far.

Hall talks about how he can go and the James Brown music is playing over his promo.

We recap Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk, which started with Funk saying he’s a bigger legend and that Flair is jealous. David Flair got beaten up but Ric wouldn’t help him, causing Arn Anderson to walk away from Ric. This is somehow a sequel to their famous feud in 1989 because there was no one young and talented for either guy to put over.

Flair says he’s awesome and drops a lot of catchphrases.

If you buy this show, you get a teddy bear! I could use a teddy bear to hold and rock back and forth as I scream into the darkness if the rest of the show is as bad as the first two hours.

Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk

Death match, meaning last man standing but you have to get a fall before the ten count starts. Dustin Rhodes is sitting in a chair to cheer Funk on as the guys slug it out in the corner. Flair rolls outside and the stalling begins but Funk quickly suplexes him back inside. There’s the spinning toehold but Flair punches his way out of it. They fight outside with Funk hitting another suplex as this is already in slow motion.

Ric is up first, only to take another suplex, drawing some very inappropriate language. He must have been watching that Tank Abbott mess earlier. Either way, the second suplex is good for a pin but Flair is up at five. To be fair it was just a suplex. Back up and Flair goes after the knees with some kicks and chair shots as Madden tries to play this off as a dramatic silence.

The Figure Four in the ring makes Funk give up quickly for a strategy play and is up before the count even gets close. Flair gets slammed off the top and piledriven on the floor but Funk would rather take back the floor mats than cover. They slug it out again because a piledriver on the floor only keeps you down for about ten seconds these days. Another piledriver on the mats gets a pin but Flair is up at about seven.

It’s table time but Funk has something to say first. He offers Ric the chance to quit and the response earns Flair a mic to the head. Normally that would be a heel move but I don’t think they have any idea who is a face or heel here so it’s acceptable. Funk puts Flair on the table as we cut to Dustin to remind us that he’s here. A really good looking piledriver through the table in the ring knocks Ric silly for…..two, as Terry pulls Ric up before the pin. Funk loads up another table and then covers (huh?) before hammering away at the head. Ric gets up and throws Funk through the table for the pin and the ten count to win.

Rating: C+. Good brawl here but the match was basically in slow motion throughout and the ending was lame. Dustin added nothing to this match and I still have no idea who I was supposed to cheer for. Also, Flair gets piledriven through a table and is on his feet less than two minutes later? Really? Still though, these two are going to have a good match through pure greatness and that’s how they pulled this one off.

Hulk Hogan, straight out of 1994, says the arm is just the break he’s been looking for. They had been teasing a Hulk/Hollywood hybrid coming into the show and there’s no sign of it. Of course. Hulk is willing to snap and crackle Liz if necessary.

Hulk Hogan vs. Total Package

Hogan has a broken arm coming in. Buffer’s entrance: “LET’S BRING EM ON!” Luger jumps him (Hogan, not Buffer) as he hits the ring but Hulk goes to the eyes, which is considered a Hollywood move. The rapid (work with me here) elbows (all two of them) set up some choking and Luger is thrown to the floor for the t-shirt rip. Hogan’s back being to the camera for the big shirt rip clearly shows that he doesn’t know how to work. Hogan slugs away on the floor but comes back inside to eat an elbow to the jaw. Oh yeah this is just going to be a punch and kick match.

Luger takes him back outside for some whips into the barricade but a cast shot to the face staggers Package. Ten rams each into two buckles set up a big right hand as the fans aren’t thrilled with Hogan’s schtick. A Liz distraction lets Luger get in more forearms to the back but Hogan sends him into the barricade again. Hart steals a ball bat from Liz, a suplex is no sold, Luger hits him low, Hart and Hogan both use their casts and the legdrop finishes Lex.

Rating: D. Remember a little while ago when Flair and Funk took a pretty lame match and made it work through pure charisma? Well apparently that only works if you have both guys trying as Hogan was his normal self but Luger was just walking through this match and doing even less than usual. You can’t even have Hulk no sell the steel forearm? The best we can get is a suplex? Worthless match but Hogan’s formula worked so long for a reason.

Post match Flair comes in to go after Hogan’s leg but Sting, with new makeup, returns for the big save. This segment could have easily taken place in 1995 and no one would have noticed the difference.

Hall comes out of his dressing room and sends the security away.

Sid does the same. These segments felt like the build to a commercial.

We recap the World Title match which is Sid defending against two guys feuding over the NWO shenanigans. That stable needs to die (again) already.

The door has been opened and apparently it wasn’t Sting inside. Thankfully they say Sting came from elsewhere in the arena to close a loophole. Unfortunately they leave open the “there was a cameraman on the door so HOW DO WE NOT KNOW WHO WAS INSIDE” loophole.

WCW World Title: Sid Vicious vs. Scott Hall vs. Jeff Jarrett

Sid is defending and this is one fall to a finish with No DQ. Jarrett is introduced as a five time World Champion combined (what does that even mean?) but not the US Champion. That’s awful even by WCW standards. Hall and Jarrett start fighting before Sid comes to the ring and we’ve got less than nine minutes to go in the show. Points to Buffer for still doing Sid’s entrance while Jarrett is running from Hall.

The champ gets double teamed as Hall and Jarrett’s feud is dropped for fear of Sid. That goes nowhere as the Twins interfere to give Jeff control. Jarrett stomps on both guys and Hall doesn’t even let him put on the sleeper before reversing it. The referee is decked maybe three minutes into this, which really shouldn’t mean much given that this is No DQ.

A double chokeslam (with Jeff jumping before Sid even had time to think about moving his arm. I know Sid is Sid, but Jarrett is better than that) gets two from new referee Nick Patrick and Ron gives Jarrett the belt. Sid gets knocked out and Hall grabs some rollups for two each on Jeff, who knocks the second referee out. Sid throws Jeff into a chair, allowing a third referee to count two for Hall. Sid fights the Twins but Jeff pokes the referee in the eye and gives him a Stroke. Come on just get to the finish.

Jarrett beats up the fourth referee before he can do anything and here’s crooked referee Slick Johnson. The Outsider’s Edge plants Jeff but Johnson has a sudden shoulder injury. I’m counting that as a ref bump. The guitar lays out Jarrett and here’s…..oh sweet goodness Roddy Piper is here in a referee’s shirt. He stops Johnson’s count at two, pokes Jarrett in the eye, and watches Sid plant Jeff with a chokeslam. Sid powerbombs Hall to retain with Piper counting, which is the last time we’ll see Hall in a WCW match.

Rating: F. This is another match where if you need an explanation, you haven’t been paying close enough attention. The match ran seven minutes, meaning we had a ref bump about every 100 seconds. On top of that, why does WCW insist on putting Roddy Piper on TV so often? It’s like Undertaker returning over and over: it works for awhile, and then there’s enough of them to make a full on DVD.

Overall Rating: F-. This show is one of the worst kind you can have: it didn’t need to exist and then on top of that it was horrible. What on here couldn’t have been done on TV? Even Flair vs. Funk, the longest match of the night by far at just under sixteen minutes, felt like a TV main event. There are matches on here that feel like they could be TV openers, which is nowhere near enough to make me want to pay to see this show. If the biggest things to happen on a show are a tournament final for the lowest title in the company and ANOTHER Roddy Piper return, there is no need for a show to exist, especially one this horrible.

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