Hidden Gem: The Battle Of The Breakfast Cereal (This Is Absolutely Bizarre/Amazing)
And now, one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. From May 1, 1989 with the AWA.
Battle Of Breakfast Cereal
Date: May 1, 1989
Location: Hyatt Hotel, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Commentator: Larry Nelson
So this is a VERY special one, as the AWA was hired by Kellogg’s for some in-office entertainment about how great the company was compared to General Mills, which somehow tied into wrestlers. I have no idea what else to expect here, but this could be one of the most fascinating things around, especially given who the AWA had (or didn’t have) at this point). Let’s get to it.
Larry Nelson welcomes us to a battle between Kellogg’s and General Mills.
We get the National Anthem before we’re ready to go.
The ring announcer introduces the judges, who sound like Kellogg’s executives. He lists off our card tonight, with each match having a theme and introduces all of the wrestlers. The villains are eating cereal and the good guys are in Kellogg’s jackets. This is the most ridiculous thing I have seen in years and I kind of love it.
A guy in sales comes out to yell about General Mills taking things from them. Kellogg’s is MAD and he stomps on some General Mills cereals and throws out some Kellogg’s cereals. He goes into a rant about how they’re fighting General Mills everyone, including on the loading docks. They’re fight them until h*** freezes over and then they’ll fight on the ice too! He stomps on some Wheaties (the ring is filthy) and punts a box of Kix out, promising that the Kellogg’s team will play rough. We get a “we’re mad as h*** and we’re not going to take it anymore!” chant because cereal is serious business.
We’ll start with the Melee In Minneapolis.
Total The Terrible vs. Nutra Rockne
That would be Mike Enos (eating Total cereal) vs. I believe Ricky Rice. We get a rather elaborate weapons check and commentary is over the PA system for a change. Total starts fast with an hiptoss and armdrag, followed by a slam into the corner as we’re firmly in first gear here. Rockne is back with some dropkicks into the corner and a backdrop into a hiptoss of his own. A powerslam gives Rockne two and a splash finishes Total at 3:05.
Rating: D. Yeah I wouldn’t expect much in the way of match quality on this show and that’s ok. This was about as generic of a match as you could get with neither doing anything significant. Then again they were fighting over cereal so I’m not sure how much of a difference the actually wrestling is going to be. Now clean the cereal out of the ring.
The Vice President of Marketing (from England) is NOT standing for General Mills talking about how horrible Kellogg’s cereal is and they have a war plan. They are going to build their own brand and keep their competitors guessing (idea: Put ice cream in a cereal box. They’ll never see it coming!). They’ll begin with intelligence and now they have the General Mills attack plan, which they have pieced together.
Then they are going to counterattack by exploiting weaknesses and issuing more and better coupons! They have to change things up too because their outcomes have been as predictable as one of these joke wrestling matches. They are at war and have to be more innovative. They must be tough and mean because there is only one winner in war. Nobody can put the pressure on like Kellogg’s can!
It’s the Terror in the Twin Cities!
Hondo The Honeybee Haymaker vs. Mr. Oat-portunity
That would be Wayne Bloom vs. Derek Dukes. Honey throws cereal at the Kellogg’s people, while informing them that his cereal is more nutritious. Honey’s top wristlock is countered without much trouble but he screams about a hair pull. A hammerlock counter makes him complain about the trunks being pulled.
Honey grabs a headlock as commentary talks about how he keeps cheating. Oat fights up and hits a crossbody but gets choked on the mat as we’re told we are eight minutes in. Honey hits him in the head with a box of Cheerios but Oat superkicks him down. A top rope shoulder finishes Honey at 4:40 (9:22 according to the announcer).
Rating: D+. That was some good clipping as I didn’t notice it, but it does make me wonder why we are having a nine minute cereal match. Much like the opener, the wrestling is absolutely not the point here and even though this was a pretty run of the mill (Mills?) match, the cereal box was appropriate enough.
And now, the Brawl Near St. Paul!
The General vs. Dr. K.
Colonel DeBeers vs. Wahoo McDaniel as this continues to be weird. Dr. chops him down as commentary talks about the importance of a balanced breakfast. Arm cranking and some stomping has the General in trouble but he’s back up with a headlock. That’s broken up so General rakes the eyes across the top rope. Dr. knocks him outside, which commentary calls a free sample of agony.
The General gets sent into the corner but he is back up for the slugout. The referee gets bumped (yes in this match) so General pulls a foreign object out of a box of cereal to knock Dr. silly. Cue the Sales And Marketing team (thank goodness they’re wrestlers, but at the same time, they are called the Sales And Marketing team) to shoves the General off the top and hit a double dropkick. Dr. gets the pin at 6:12.
Rating: C-. This was the best match of the night but I’m not sure how much that is saying. Wahoo can still do his thing with anyone and DeBeers is someone who worked rather well as a heel. The foreign object at least fit the idea of cereal, but they somehow managed to overbook a match on this show. That’s hard to do.
Here’s the Executive Vice President of Sales and Marketing to say we should demote the General to a private. We hear a story about how sometimes you need to punch someone in the nose and they have a new strategy. As we look at some of the people in the audience looking bored out of their minds, he tells us that their budget is increased and now it is time go beat the competition.
We’ll wrap it up with the Rile in the Aisle, which is for the IN YOUR SPACE trophy!
Mills Brothers vs. Sales And Marketing
Pat Tanaka/Paul Diamond vs. Greg Gagne/Tom Zenk to wrap it up. Commentary introduces Sales And Marketing as “the S&M Team”. Zenk and Tanaka start things off with Zenk grabbing a headlock into some armdrags. Gagne misses a dropkick though and Tanaka knocks him outside. Commentary keeps calling them the S&M Team and it continues to be rather awkward.
The referee doesn’t see the tag to Zenk so Gagne is taken back down into a chinlock. Diamond comes in to grab his own chinlock but Gagns fights up for a chinlock. They collide for a double knockdown and there’s the hot tag to Zenk to clean house (and hopefully the ring). Everything breaks down and a double dropkick puts Diamond on the floor. A high crossbody finishes Tanaka at 6:04.
Rating: C. Totally watchable match here and that worked out as well as you could have expected. It’s another example of having some talented wrestlers out there and doing their thing because they know how to do just that. Diamond and Tanaka are always good for a match like this and it worked out just fine.
Larry Nelson talks about how Kellogg’s dominated and that is all the proof that you are going to need to prove who is the best cereal company.
Overall Rating: A+. Oh please like this could be ANYTHING else. This is one of the most bizarre things that I have ever seen in wrestling and I completely loved it. The wrestling was completely watchable for the most part but hearing the marketing executives talking about war with General Mills and all of those in depth references was hilarious in all kinds of ways. This was great and is worth your time if you want to see one of the strangest and most unique deals you’ll ever find in wrestling. Serially.