NWA Weekly PPV #9
Date: August 14, 2002
Location: Tennessee State Fairgrounds, Nashville, Tennessee
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Don West, Ed Ferrara

I really need to do these more often. Things have been a total mess around here, which is kind of the trademark of the promotion in its early run. Ron Killings has won the World Title and Don Harris is at war with the New Church because…I have absolutely no idea. Jeff Jarrett is still the star of the whole place while the X-Division guys continue to steal the show week in and week out. Let’s get to it.

Opening recap, looking at last week’s World Title change.

Opening sequence.

Here is new World Champion Ron Killings for a chat. Killings says this is his house, which he dubs the TNA Asylum. He has had to work harder because of the color of his skin. A senior WWF official told him that he couldn’t make the same mistakes as a white man. That’s too far, so from this day forward, he is a legend. Now he’s the World Champion, but here is Jeff Jarrett (teaming with Killings tonight) to say he can’t believe some of this nonsense.

Jarrett claims reverse racism because he has never gotten the same shot. Killings says come get your shot but cue Bill Behrens (with a ridiculous cowboy hat) and security to cut it off. Behrens makes a bunch of sheriff jokes and says Jarrett and Killings fan fight…but it won’t be sanctioned for the World Title. Cue Brian Lawler to go after Jarrett until security breaks it up. Lawler shouts about knowing it was Jarrett. Well of course it was. It’s always Jarrett.

Kid Kash/Shark Boy/Slim J vs. Amazing Red/Spanish Announce Team

Kash and Joel start fast and trade wrist control before exchanging armdrags for a standoff in a quick sequence. Kash flips him off and hits a running shoulder before backdropping him out to the floor. A slingshot hurricanrana takes Joel down again and we hit the parade of dives. J, Red and Kash all one up each other with flip dives and we settle down to Kash suplexing J onto Joel. Back up and everything breaks down, with the SAT’s tying up Boy and J in a Liontamer/camel clutch at the same time.

Red adds a springboard missile dropkick but gets kicked in the face by J. Kash comes back in to drop an elbow on Red and then hits a kind of super powerslam. It’s back to J, who misses a twisting top rope splash. Everything breaks down (shocking I know) and Kash runs the corner for a super hurricanrana. Boy’s Diamond Dust gets two on Red with Jose making the save. The Money Maker (Jay Driller) plants Red with Joel’s top rope legdrop breaking it up. The double super Spanish Fly hits J and Red’s very twisty splash finishes him off at 10:39.

Rating: B. This falls right into the classic formula of “take a bunch of people and let them fly all over the place to pop the crowd”. That’s all this was supposed to be and it was entertaining stuff. Red’s stuff continues to be insane and that was the case here, with Kash’s great looking hurricanranas not being too far behind.

The Dupps have an idea for their own version of Cribs, which is about their house…which is an outhouse. My goodness this is so dumb.

Here is Bruce to say he is more woman than anyone in this arena. All of the married men in this arena, including Mike Tenay, are fantasizing about him. The challenge is on, and he’ll throw in $5000 to any woman who can beat him. A woman from the crowd signs a quick contract and we’re ready to go.

Miss TNA: Bruce vs. ???

Bruce is defending and gets speared down to start, followed by a legdrop. A toss over the top sets up a slam on the floor, followed by another back inside. Then Bruce grabs a small package for the fast pin at 1:50. The woman shrugs it off with an “oh well”, because that’s what you should do here.

Jeff Jarrett wants the World Title and beats up Bill Behrens in the backroom. Then he runs into Low Ki for a staredown, followed by Tito and Bo Dupp bumping into each other. Thankfully for us, this means a match.

Don Harris vs. Malice

Last Man Standing and this is missing from WatchTNA because…well I’m guessing the SS on Harris’ shirt. Malice jumps him to start and gets taken down for his efforts. Harris chairs him in the head but Malice throws powder in Harris’ eyes. More powder blinds Harris again and Malice gets in a chair shot as Harris is busted open. Malice whips him into the barricade a few times and they go up to the stage, with Harris being tossed out to the floor.

That’s a bit too much selling for Harris though, as he comes back with a chain for some choking and a clothesline. It’s time for a table and Harris kicks a chair into Malice’s face. Malice gets in a powerbomb but pulls Harris up for a chokeslam. That’s countered into a DDT but Malice is back up with a belly to back superplex through the table. Naturally only Harris gets up for the win at 7:08.

Rating: D. If you have a Last Man Standing match, maybe A, have it go longer than ten minutes and B, don’t have the SECURITY GUARD beat the former #1 contender to the World Title. The fact that Malice hit the finishing move here and then lost anyway should tell you everything wrong with this match, but there was so much else wrong with the thing that it’s not even covering the biggest issue. Horrible stuff here as Don Harris continues to be far too big of a star.

Post match respect is shown, and if you have the respect of DON HARRIS, you’re going places.

Dupp Cup: Teo vs. Bo Dupp

The first to ten points wins and if you think I’m keeping score, I have no idea what to tell you. Teo starts fast and sends him into a chair, followed by ripping off the pants and hitting him with a stick horse. It doesn’t count for points though because Bo likes it and yes, someone was paid to come up with this nonsense.

Stan Dupp offers a distraction and Bo gets in a big boot as Don West is actually trying to keep track of the points (doing commentary with a solo mic at ringside, reportedly because Mike Tenay didn’t want to be part of this). Stan goes to the ticket window where the woman in charge beats on him with a broom. Bo takes Teo to the outhouse but Puppet is inside with a kendo stick. That’s enough for Bo to be send face first into the hole to give Teo the win at 4:25.

Rating: F-. I…what do you want me to say here? This was every bit as stupid as you could have imagined and then it just kept getting worse. I’m sure the people backstage were roaring with laughter over it, but if your commentator, and one of the most prominent, well respected people you have, is washing your hands so you can do an outhouse joke, it’s way past time to think about what you’re doing.

We recap Monty Brown vs. Elix Skipper, with Skipper turning on him (after they won a match) and Brown wanting revenge.

Monty Brown vs. Elix Skipper

Detroit Street Fight. Before the match, Skipper calls out Brown for the fight and then gets jumped from behind because Skipper is kind of dumb. Brown hammers away to start and chokes him over the ropes with a shirt. Skipper gets in a chain shot to the ribs and chokes away, which is shrugged off without much effort.

Back in and some trashcan/lid shots slow Brown down, with Skipper adding in a Matrix to send Brown crashing. A slingshot dive onto the can onto Brown gets two on the floor but Brown is back up with the Alphalution (kind of a reverse F5). The Alpha Bomb onto a trashcan (onto a stop sign because reasons) finishes Skipper at 5:45.

Rating: C. I can go with pushing Brown as a star as he has more charisma than should be allowed, but this was another violent gimmick match crammed into way too short of a time limit. As is the case so often around here, this stuff needs time to breathe and that isn’t what we’re getting with just about anything. Brown is going to be a force though, as even TNA shouldn’t be able to screw him up.

The Flying Elvises are all ready to challenge for the X-Division Title. They’re fired up because it’s 25 years since Elvis died and Sonny Siaki is going to win the title in his honor. As in his own honor, because he hates Elvis. Hence being in a stable called the FLYING ELVISES. Other than that, I’m trying to figure out why Goldilocks is in her third different outfit in an hour.

X-Division Title: Low Ki vs. Sonny Siaki vs. Jimmy Yang vs. Jorge Estrada

Ki is defending and this is elimination rules. Siaki and Ki start things off as we’re actually tagging here. Ki fights him into the corner early on but gets powerbombed out. Estrada comes in and grabs a Regal Roll but the Lionsault is countered. Some kicks rock Estrada for two, with Siaki having to break up a dragon sleeper.

The Elvises aren’t happy with each other so Yang comes in with a middle rope spinwheel kick. Yang chokes him over the ropes but Ki is quickly out of a sleeper. Estrada comes back in and takes out Yang, including a springboard flip dive on the floor. Back in and Yang hits a dropkick into a Boston crab, which he bends back really fast and Estrada taps immediately for the elimination at 6:41.

Ki comes in so Yang hits him with a missile dropkick for two. Yang Time is loaded up but Siaki crotches him down, setting up the Ki Crusher at 7:56 to get us down to one on one. Siaki comes in with a pop up cutter for two but Ki is back with a springboard kick to the face. Siaki manages a shot to the face, only to get sent into Yang as he’s still on the apron. Ki rolls him up to retain at 9:22.

Rating: B-. They only had so much time here as you had three eliminated to cover in the span of less than ten minutes. At the same time, the Elvises are having issues and that’s likely going to lead to something going south sooner or later. As for Ki, it’s a good move to have him beat all three members of the team to retain, as that’s going to make anyone look strong.

Earlier today, Goldilocks (outfit #4) got in a car with Jerry Lynn, who made a short drive to another building and beat up AJ Styles, knocking him into a bathtub and demanding respect.

Disco Inferno is back with Jive Talking and brings out actor Dean Baldwin (read as Shark Boy without a mask) to talk about his upcoming movie. This leads Disco to asking about Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger’s bedroom habits. Cue Brian Lawler who rants about Jeff Jarrett doing…something. Baldwin: “Who are you? What are your credentials?” Lawler takes Baldwin out and we still don’t know what Jarrett did. Security throws Lawler out.

Goldilocks (outfit #5) watches the Dupps freak out. Stan is leaving and Goldilocks isn’t sure what Bo should do. Bo: “Thank you for caring.”

Tag Team Titles: Jeff Jarrett/Ron Killings vs. AJ Styles/Jerry Lynn

Styles and Lynn are defending but Styles isn’t here to start. That means Lynn gets beaten down but here is Styles to even things up. House is cleaned and Styles hits Jarrett with the drop down dropkick for an early two. A Lionsault to the floor connects for Styles but he gets dropped onto the barricade. That leaves Lynn to monkey flip Killings inside and a middle rope bulldog gets two.

We settle down to Jarrett stomping away on Lynn and Killings comes in for a wheelbarrow faceplant. The ax kick gets two on Lynn, who is right back with the Figure Four to Jarrett, who turns it over in literally less than two seconds. Since this is TNA, commentary insults Lynn for being dumb for trying a Figure Four on Jeff Jarrett.

Killings puts Lynn on top but gets taken down with a tornado DDT for a needed breather. That’s enough for the tag off to Styles so house can be cleaned. Everything breaks down and Styles flips over Jarrett but the referee gets decked. Lynn’s reverse DDT drops Jarrett and Cradle Piledrives Killings but Jarrett is up for the save. Jarrett gives Lynn the Stroke and Styles his the Spiral Tap on Killings for a double pin at 12:24.

Rating: C+. Oh there it is. That’s the big ending that Russo loves as not only do we have the two teams who don’t get along, but now they have a screwy finish to hold up the titles. Odds are we’ll either get a rematch, a ladder match or a tournament of some kind because it gets the titles off of Lynn and Styles without having them lose. It’s not a bad match, but dang it feels like a lame way to end the title reign.

Post match Bob Armstrong comes out to say the titles are held up. Next week, it’s Killings for Monty Brown for the World Title and Lynn vs. Styles for a future X-Division Title shot match. Lynn wants falls count anywhere. Styles wants anything goes. Armstrong says sure, and it’s going to be 2/3 falls, with the third fall being a ten minute iron man match. As for Jarrett, he gets a special opponent next week.

Don West does the big push for next week’s show.

Brian Lawler attacks Jeff Jarrett in the back and shouts about wanting to kill him. Geez what did he do? Make him watch Jeff Jarrett matches?

Overall Rating: D. As usual, the matches where it’s played a lot straighter are far easier to watch. Case in point, we had something as simple as a six man tag as the opener and it was by far the best thing on the show. After that, it was man vs. woman, a Last Man Standing match, the Dupp Cup nonsense, a street fight and then a four way before a screwy tag match to wrap up the show. That’s WAY too much going on at once (including ANYTHING involving the Dupps) and some of it is absolutely horrible. There are fun parts to the show but as usual, they’re all so bogged down and it’s killing the positives. As per Russo.

 

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Saturday Night’s Main Event 9
Date: January 3, 1987
Location; Hartford Civic Center, Hartford, Connecticut
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jesse Ventura

Well we’re around the time of Mania 3 but first Hogan has a big feud to end. This time it’s Paul Orndorff who he’s feuded with forever and it’s in a cage. Other than that there isn’t much at all, but that’s a semi-famous match if nothing else so it more than makes up for it. Two more after this as I try to finish this series off today. This is really just filler until we get to Mania so don’t expect much. Let’s get to it.

Orndorff says Hulkamania dies tonight. That needs to be copyrighted as whoever owned it would make a fortune.

Hogan says he’ll win from inside a cage.

Adonis says Piper will pay tonight.

Steele has a surprise for Savage.

Race says JYD will bow to him.

JYD says he’ll bow to no one.

All other theme songs bow to this one though.

Vince says welcome to the insurance capital of the world. Are you kidding me?

Orndorff, with his right arm clearly being smaller already, refuses to be interviewed. He was making $20,000 a night at times so how can you turn that down?

WWF World Title: Paul Orndorff vs. Hulk Hogan

This is the first cage match on network TV apparently. Well that’s kind of cool. Paul has stolen Hogan’s music at this point which is such a great heel tactic and someone needs to steal it today. Hogan says it’s time for a new start but the cage is a dead end for Orndorff. His eyes are bugging out of his head so he’s liked coked half to death.

Today this would be the main event of a major PPV like the Rumble with ease, if not Mania. In other words, this was HUGE. Orndorff jumps him early and we’re off to the races. Jess says the winner is the new champion. Does that mean the title is vacant? There are two officials here so keep that in mind as it’ll come into play later. Orndorff gets over the top but Hogan grabs him by the hair, allowing Jesse to get my favorite of his lines ever: Hogan would not be champion if Mr. Wonderful was bald. The delivery of it is just great.

Jesse is oddly hypocritical here by saying anything goes in a cage but then complaining about Hogan choking with a bandana. Vince keeps calling Hogan Champion Hogan. He’s done it at least 5 times in as many minutes. Danny Davis, the future evil referee, has the door locked for Hogan but unlocked for Orndorff. In a rather stupid moment, Hogan blocks a shot into the cage and rams Orndorff in, but Hogan winds up going in as well. Weird.

We get to the famous finish as both guys climb up on opposite sides and hit the floor at the seemingly same time where Davis names Orndorff as referee but Marella (Gorilla Monsoon’s son in some not that well known trivia) says it was Hogan. Jesse and Vince got at it over this. Fink says it’s a tie so we’re going to continue!

One key thing here is Orndorff is taking it to Hogan. He’s not a bit afraid of Hogan at all and isn’t your traditional challenger as he’s smaller than Hogan. One thing I’ve always wondered: why doesn’t Orndorff throw Hogan in and then just step back out and win the title? Davis is taken away thanks to Hogan hitting him earlier. Hogan Hulks Up and beats the living heck out of Wonderful, just completely destroying him for a long time before a leg drop (set up by a backbreaker of all things) lets him get out. He beats up Heenan for fun afterwards as a total jerk since Heenan wasn’t even facing him.

Rating: B. You need the context of this match to get why it’s so good. This was the final blowoff to this feud that went on for at least half a year. It was the undisputed top feud in the company and drew a TON of money. Also keep in mind that this was the first televised cage match ever on national TV. It was a PPV-level main event on free TV so how could it not be huge? However, it was only the appetizer as soon after this, Hogan would get a trophy for being world champion for three years. Andre would get a smaller one for being undefeated for fifteen years. The Frenchman wasn’t happy with it.

Replays show Hogan won the tie by about a tenth of a second. Jesse talks about their legs being straight or bent which makes no sense but whatever.

Savage is listed as the Intercontinental Champion of the World. Savage tells Liz to shut up and threatens to slap her. He was LIVID here.

Intercontinental Title: George Steele vs. Randy Savage

Vince wanted Liz like no other. To be fair she does look great here. George again says he has a surprise and comes out with an action figure of himself. He gives it to Liz but Savage takes it and throws it down. Soon thereafter he’s flying through the air as Steele throws him all over the place. Savage comes back and sets for the elbow but some music hits and the roof gets blown off. RICKY FREAKING STEAMBOAT makes his return and stares down Savage. Macho loses his mind and no one can get Steamboat back. Steele gets the advantage as they finally get Ricky back to the locker room.

Steele kidnaps Liz and carries her away before he finally comes back. A buckle gets ripped open which was always a weird thing. Vince: “He’s only salivating on him.” It was a different time I guess. Steele bites his arm a bunch of times for some reason as Jesse asks why isn’t he being better fed. Savage gets hit by a foreign object but clocks Steele with the bell to retain. A post match beatdown is attempted but Steamboat comes down for the save.

Rating: D+. Match was a glorified comedy match but most of the encounters for these two were. The main thing here obviously is that it set up Savage vs. Steamboat in the legendary showdown at Mania III. Back in the day they built up shows from a far longer away time which made them feel more epic. That and Mania was the only PPV of the year so it really was the huge show to build up to.

Harley Race and Heenan talk about how everyone will bow. They even make Gene bow in a strange moment.

JYD says he won’t bow. I could go for some Breaking Benjamin now.

Junkyard Dog vs. Harley Race

JYD jumps him early but the evil referee is in there again. Belly to belly hits but Race drops a headbutt and hurts himself to let JYD take over. Race could bump like few others. It was just like an acrobat or something. Dog puts the crown and robe on so Heenan jumps him for the DQ. Heenan and Race beat him down afterwards and make him bow which doesn’t work at all.

Rating: D+. Nothing special here at all but since JYD is in there what did you really expect? This was again just a setup for Mania where they had a somewhat better match. I wasn’t wild on this one at all but I never liked the feud as a whole.

Heenan tells Paul he’s the world champion and he’ll get the tape to prove it. We see the video again and it’s still the same.

Adrian Adonis is back after Piper beat him up.

Piper says he has heart.

Roddy Piper vs. Adrian Adonis

Adonis is the Rico of this era so Piper of course can’t stand him. He gets hooked in the ropes and is having the tar beaten out of him. This is another really short match as Piper beats him up for a good while and they fight to the floor. Adonis blasts him with his perfume in the eyes and Piper gets counted out. The idea wasn’t to have a good match but to set up the real match at Mania again.

Rating: N/A. Nothing of note here as like I said this was just a setup for Piper’s retirement match at Mania which was a much more entertaining match which likely is because of it getting more than 3 minutes.

Hogan, in a swank Hulk jacket, says he isn’t worried about Heenan’s plan. His voice sounds awful here.

Blackjack Mulligan vs. Jimmy Jack Funk

Mulligan is the father of Barry Windham, father in law of IRS and grandfather of Husky Harris. This is the battle of Texas or something like that. Funk is in some Lone Ranger style mask and we have a female referee. There’s an inset interview with Mulligan where he blasts Funk and makes some stupid jokes. For you lucha libre fans, Funk is the older brother of Art Barr. A jumping back elbow wins for Mulligan.

Rating: N/A. Neither of these guys ever meant anything.

Overall Rating: C-. This wasn’t about the wrestling other than the opener but it set the table for Mania in a big way as Adonis vs. Piper and Savage vs. Steamboat are now set. The opener is a famous match and worth seeing for the sake of history if nothing else. The rest of the show is weak wrestling-wise, but it was about storyline building and on that front it wins. Good enough show though and nothing horrible.

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

TNA Weekly PPV #9
Date: August 14, 2002
Location: Tennessee State Fairgrounds Arena, Nashville, Tennessee
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Don West, Ed Ferrara

It’s the first show in a somewhat new era for TNA as the Truth is now champion and tonight is challenging for the tag titles with Jarrett. Other than that we have nothing scheduled but I’m sure we’ll have something that makes me angry because of how stupid it is, but then again this is Tennessee so it has to be a bit stupid. Let’s get to it.

Here’s Truth to open the show. We get a somewhat milestone moment for TNA as Truth calls this place the TNA Asylum. He’s a legend now that he’s champion apparently. When he was in the WWF, he couldn’t break certain rules because he’s black. This can’t end well. I mean it can’t. He insists that he isn’t playing the race card, but the line of “and that’s the truth” isn’t invented yet.

Cue Jarrett who calls Truth Walt Disney. Jarrett complains about reverse discrimination (wouldn’t it be discrimination in general?) and wants a shot TONIGHT. Truth says bring it but here’s Bill Behrens looks like a schmuck in a cowboy hat. He says he’s the new sheriff in town and any match between these two at the moment won’t be for the title. Jeff goes after Behrens but Brian Lawler jumps Jeff. He tries to get a fan’s chair but the fan won’t let him have it. Memphis this is not. Lawler shouts that he knew it was Jeff and that’s about it.

The announcers do their welcoming stuff.

Kid Kash/Slim J/Shark Boy vs. Spanish Announce Team

This should be fun. J is 17 years old and is dressed like Eminem. The SAT is comprised of the Maximos (Jose and Joel) and Amazing Red. Kash and I think that’s Jose start things off. They fight over a hammerlock to start before things speed up in a hurry. They trade a bunch of armdrags and it’s a standoff. Jose offers a handshake but Kash flips him off. Joel comes in and they kind of botch a reverse monkey flip.

Joel gets sent up and over to the floor and then out onto the barricade. Kash hits a sweet slingshot rana to the floor and everyone heads to the floor. J and Red are still in the ring and J looks like a 17 year old in over his head. He sends Red to the floor and tries a moonsault press to take out all three guys, nearly smacking his head on the apron in the process. Red hits a much better dive to take out everyone at once. Kash takes out everyone with an even bigger dive than that.

It’s Joel vs. Kash in the ring now but it’s quickly off t J. J keeps grabbing his crotch which can’t be a good thing. He misses a standing corkscrew shooting star and things break down a bit. Jose puts J on his back and Red uses J as a springboard to rana Kash. The rana doesn’t work and it looked badly botched but it was a cool idea. Another cool yet overly complicated idea sees Shark Boy and J having their limbs interlocked while having J put in a camel clutch and Sharky put in a Boston Crab at the same time. Red adds a dropkick to J’s face to end the move.

J charges into a boot, ducks a dive, and hits a kind of flipping kick off the middle rope for two. Kash hooks a freaky standing Boston Crab on Red before they both go up. Kid hits something like a release powerslam off the top which lands with a big crash. J comes in and after shaking his balls again (stop doing that!) he misses a Phoenix Splash.

Shark Boy comes in and everything breaks down again. Shark boy hits Diamond Dust (Dead Sea Drop) on Red followed by the Moneymaker (double underhook piledriver) from Kash for two. J botches another rana and settles for a neckbreaker instead. The double C4 off the top (Spanish Fly) sets up the Infrared (big spinning legdrop) from Red to pin J. Dude deserved the beating.

Rating: C. If I never see Slim J again I’ll be perfectly happy. The guy is your stereotypical indy guy who does a lot of flips and thinks that makes him a wrestler. He botched almost everything he did and STOP GRABBING YOUR CROTCH ALREADY! This had its moments but going nearly 11 minutes is too long to have a match like this, especially with the amount of botches they had in here. Good idea, bad execution.

Dang it it’s the Dupps again. Stan tries to get Goldilocks to touch his crotch (do we have a recurring theme here?) so she does, with a solid right hand. We have an outhouse joke too.

Here’s Bruce to issue an open challenge for the Miss TNA crown. A plant signs a release and we have a match.

Miss TNA: Bruce vs. Tina Hamilton

The fan doesn’t say her name but that’s the name I found for her when I looked it up. Yes, I actually looked it up. The chick takes Bruce down with a spear and some more basic stuff before sending him to the floor. Back in she tries to slam him and gets small packaged for the pin. This gimmick is already old.

Jarrett says he didn’t do anything to Lawler but he’ll play whatever games he needs to in order to win the title. He goes to the men’s room to find Behrens sitting down. Jarrett yells at him and we pan over to Bo Dupp who runs into the midget Teo. Great it’s another hardcore match tonight.

Malice vs. Don Harris

Speaking of matches I don’t care to see, this is last man standing. The New Church is barred from ringside and clearly the words of the authority figures in this company mean SO much right? Harris immediately cracks Malice in the head with a chair for about a six count. Another chair shot puts Malice down again but as Harris loads up a third, Malice throws powder in Harris’ face.

They head to the floor and Malice gets in some more chair shots. Malice is busted open off one of those chair shots. West: “IF THIS HAD BEEN LAST WEEK THE MATCH WOULD BE OVER!” Ferrara: “…..but it’s not last week.” They head up to the stage and Malice throws him off the stage and into the barricade. Malice has a chain but Harris kicks him in the face to take Malice down. Harris chokes him with the chain and loads up a table.

Back in and another big boot puts a chair into Malice’s face. Harris loads up the table in front of the corner but Malice powerbombs Harris down. Harris comes back with a DDT but Malice belly to back superplexes Harris through the table. Don gets up first but Malice falls down at 9, giving Harris the win.

Rating: D+. The only word that comes to my head here is so. As in so what. Why am I supposed to care about this? I have no idea why these guys are fighting other than they were fighting last week and even then I have no idea why they were fighting before that. Also, if you’re going to have first blood and then last man standing, why have the wrestler win the first blood and then the security guy win last man standing? That’s backwards booking.

They pound fists in respect post match. Ok then.

Stan Dupp is afraid of midgets so Bo is fighting tonight.

Dupp Cup: Teo vs. Bo Dupp

Teo is a midget and it’s that stupid points thing again from last week. JB is beaten up, weapons are used, Stan screams which somehow loses points for Bo, weapons are used, and Bo is flushed in a toilet for Teo to win. Somehow that took four minutes and since I rate wrestling, this gets nothing. Thankfully this is the last appearance of the Dupps under this inane gimmick.

We recap Monty Brown vs. Elix Skipper which involved Brown being painted yellow.

Skipper calls Brown a chicken in some very colorful language.

Elix Skipper vs. Monty Brown

This is a street fight because two hardcore based matches in an hour isn’t enough. Skipper tries to jump Brown as he comes out but Brown sneaks up on him in a funny bit. Monty pounds him down to the ring as I guess the match has already started. They head to the ring and Brown chokes Skipper out with a shirt. I’m not entirely sure why these two started fighting in the first place but I think it was something racial.

Brown keeps fiddling with the shirt and the break lets Skipper use the Matrix to avoid a charge and get in some offense. Skipper is a smaller guy and he can’t go toe to toe with Brown so he sticks and moves, which is pretty stupid in a street fight where you can use weapons. Elix brings in a garbage can and blasts away with it, knocking Brown to the floor. Skipper hits the big spot of the match with a slingshot splash onto the can onto Brown which gets two as apparently this is now a hardcore match. Back in and Brown shrugs most of that off, beats on Skipper for a bit, and Alpha Bombs him on a trashcan for the pin.

Rating: D+. What was the point of this? To make Skipper look like a guy that has no chance against someone bigger than he is? Was it to make Brown look like a monster? If it’s either one of those things they didn’t do that at all. I have no idea what the point of this was and it didn’t work for the most part.

The Flying Elvises talk in the back. Well Yang and Estrada talk while Siaki looks away. Siaki turns around and insults Elvis before saying the other two should look up to him rather than Elvis. I think they’re trying to turn Estrada and Yang face but it’s not really working.

X-Division Title: Low Ki vs. Jorge Estrada vs. Sonny Siaki vs. Jimmy Yang

Four corners elimination here. Yang and Estrada have armbands on because it’s been 25 years since Elvis died. There are tags required here so it’s Low Ki vs. Siaki to start. Siaki LAUNCHES Low Ki out of the corner but Low Ki comes back with kicks of course. Siaki takes him down but Estrada tags himself in and hits a running shooting star press for two. Low Ki escapes a suplex and fires away kicks at Estrada including a BIG one to the head.

Tenay says the kicks break your opponents spirits. Estrada gets put in a dragon sleeper, as does Siaki who came in sans tag. Off to Yang who hits what we would call a Rough Ryder to take Low Ki down followed by a middle rope spinwheel kick for no cover. Siaki isn’t even paying attention to the match and Yang escapes the Ki Crusher. Yang is placed on the top rope and chokes Low Ki over the ropes in a Tarantula kind of move.

Low Ki kicks him down and Estrada tags himself in to face Yang. Things speed up with Yang being knocked to the floor. There’s a BIG dive by Estrada and Yang is in trouble. Back in and Estrada hits a tornado DDT which Yang “blocks” (I didn’t see a block) it and dropkicks Estrada down. Yang puts on a Boston Crab and Estrada taps before the referee is even down to check him. That looked odd.

Low Ki sneaks in on Yang and kicks him a bit as is his custom. Yang gets his foot up in the corner to stop a charging champion. A missile dropkick gets two for Yang as Siaki is still not paying attention. Yang goes up but Siaki intentionally crotches him down. Ki Crusher gets us down to one on one. Siaki immediately charges in and pounds away on Low Ki but the clothesline each other down. Low Ki gets up first and hits a springboard spin kick followed by even more kicks to the chest. Siaki hits some kind of freaky looking punch. Yang comes back and decks Siaki, knocking him into a rollup to keep the belt on the kicking dude.

Rating: C. This was more about the angle than the match and I don’t think anyone thought Low Ki was in danger of losing the title. Siaki needs to get away from the other Elvises so he can become a bigger star, which he only kind of did in the future. Not much of a match but there were some good parts to it.

Earlier today, Jerry Lynn left the arena, went to a gas station, and beat up AJ Styles before demanding respect. Ok then.

It’s time for Jive Talking. Tonight’s guest: Dean Baldwin, more famous as Shark Boy but minus the mask here. Disco asks lame jokes about the other Baldwin brothers and does so for awhile. Brian Lawler comes out and yells about Jarrett some more before jumping Disco and getting taken away by security.

Stan Dupp says he’s leaving and Bo is confused/scared.

Tag Titles: AJ Styles/Jerry Lynn vs. Ron Killings/Jeff Jarrett

Truth is world champion and is challenging here so I’ll only refer to Styles and Lynn as champions for the sake of clarity. AJ isn’t here to start so Lynn gets double teamed early on. A double suplex puts Lynn down and here’s AJ for the save. Jarrett takes the drop down/kick sequence from AJ for two. All four are on the floor now with Styles hitting an Asai Moonsault onto Jeff.

Back in and Killings misses a side kick to Lynn and Styles gets dropped face first onto the steps. Lynn monkey flips Killings down and Jarrett is whipped into the barricade. Lynn hits a middle rope bulldog for two as Jarrett saves. All four are in the ring again and Styles misses a moonsault that would have hit Lynn anyway. Jarrett is the first person on the apron but he gets tagged in before he has a single opponent to face.

Ok so it’s Jeff vs. Jerry to start with Jarrett hitting the running hip attack to Lynn who is in 619 position. That and a sitout slam gets two for Jeff and it’s back to Truth. Lynn gets in a shot but a low blow from the Truth takes him right back down. An ax kick gets two for Truth but Jeff’s Stroke is countered. Jeff hooks a sleeper and Jerry is in trouble again. Lynn escapes that as well and puts Jarrett in a figure four which is quickly countered.

Back to Truth who slugs it out with Jerry and does his backflip out of the corner into the splits into the side kick sequence. That gets two but Lynn comes back with a tornado DDT to put both guys down. Off to AJ vs. Jeff with Styles firing off kicks to take over. Jeff tries a sunset flip which AJ rolls through into a Styles Clash attempt and everything breaks down. The champs double team Jarrett for two and load up a springboard Hart Attack, but AJ slips and hits Lynn in the back instead.

AJ accidentally spears the referee down as Lynn hits a reverse DDT on Jarrett. There’s no count because of the referee being down so Lynn cradle piledrives Truth instead but there’s STILL no referee. Jeff hits the Stroke on Lynn as AJ hits Spiral Tap on Truth. A second referee slides in and we’ve got a double pin.

Rating: C. The match was a standard tag match but man alive after two hours of this show I don’t care anymore. The ending sets up the titles being stripped from both teams and eventually a new team would win them. Other than that, there was nothing to see here but some notable botches from AJ.

Bob Armstrong, ANOTHER NWA representative, comes out here and says the titles are held up. Next week it’s Truth vs. Monty Brown for the title. Also next week it’s Styles vs. Lynn in a #1 contenders match for the X Title and Lynn says it should be falls count anywhere. AJ wants it No DQ on top of that, but THAT’S NOT ENOUGH, so Armstrong makes the third fall a ten minute Iron Man match. That’s an official NWA decision, so did Armstrong have that in his pocket just in case two other stipulations were suggested by the wrestlers? Jarrett whines and gets a mystery opponent next week.

Jarrett leaves with the tag titles and runs into Brian Lawler who chokes him and promises to kill Jarrett to end the show. In case you’re curious, Jarrett wouldn’t wrestle next week because these authority figures have no actual authority.

Overall Rating: F. I’m in awe of this show. I didn’t think they could get worse than last week, but that looks like 2000 Raw by comparison. Where do I begin? We had FOUR different Dupp appearances tonight. FOUR TIMES! On top of that we had Ricky Steamboat in charge last week, Cowboy Behrens in charge to start the show and Bob Armstrong in charge to end the show. On top of THAT, other than the main event and Lynn vs. AJ and something about Jarrett, there is nothing interesting or thought out at all here. Horrible show and after this one, the financial backers pulled out. Can you blame them?

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

At the end of Wrestlemania #9, Hogan popped up out of nowhere to win the world title in about a minute.  Was this the right idea?I think you could argue that it was, but at this they needed to have Hogan put over Bret.  For some reason that never happened, even though it was planned.  The ending wasn’t great, especially given that Hogan’s pop was pretty weak.  He did get cheered for when Gonzalez was standing in the ring after leaving Undertaker laying though.  I’m not wild on it but I guess I could see them playing things like they had for the last 8 years.

 

Thoughts?

Wrestlemania 9
Date: April 4, 1993
Location: Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas, Nevada
Attendance: 16,891
Commentators: Jim Ross, Bobby Heenan, Randy Savage

This is considered to be one of the weakest Wrestlemanias in history and I think that’s an accurate statement. Looking at the announced card, which was only eight matches long, I only see 2-3 that I would put on a Wrestlemania. Your main event for this evening is Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna, which is ok, but just doesn’t scream WM main event to me.

What amazes me the most about it though was this show was so packed they had to cancel one of the matches: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Kamala. The theme of the show is the world’s largest toga (toga, toga, toga) party. Why does this scream BAD IDEA to me? Seriously, what’s the point behind this? It made the show seem stupid overall, but that’s just me. Anyway, let’s get started.

Our show opens with no National Anthem or America the Beautiful. What a crock already. After that, we see Gorilla Monsoon in a toga. God help me. He is our host for the evening, whatever that means. He welcomes us to the show, and throws it over to….Jim Ross? This was Ross’ debut and I vividly remember being stunned to see him in the WWF as he had been the commentator for WCW my entire life.

Ross runs down the double main event of Hogan and Beefcake vs. Money Inc. for the tag belts and the already mentioned WWF Title match. He throws it to Finkus Maximus, which is something even I couldn’t make up, who introduces Caesar and Cleopatra on an elephant, which Ross gives us a history lesson on. Macho Man is then introduced riding a sedan which is like a couch that’s carried as beautiful women feed him grapes.

Then in one of the funniest scenes in WWF history, Bobby Heenan comes in on a camel, but for some reason he’s riding it backwards. He gets to the broadcast position and is a mess, which is kind of funny. Finally, after almost 10 minutes of intros, it’s time for a match.

Intercontinental Title: Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka

Michaels had dumped Sherri since last year but now is accompanied by Luna Vachon, who is proof that not all divas are hot. Tatanka is out next and he has never lost a one on one match. Sherri follows Tatanka out, yet it’s made clear she’s not with him. So they have stalkers now. Hey they match! Tatanka had pinned Shawn twice leading up to this match, once in a singles match and once in a 6 man.

Some of Savage’s comments to Heenan, such as shut up camel breath are just funny to me. There’s the first bell, eleven minutes into the show. The outside look is really cool here. They feel each other out at a rather fast pace to start. Top wristlock goes to Shawn and he follows it up with a headlock. Down to the mat with Shawn totally in control.

Tatanka gets a belly to back to escape and a SWEET counter of a top rope clothesline with an arm drag. Shawn to the floor and the girls have a staredown of awkward proportions. Back in and the stereotype works over Shawn’s arm which is apparently hurt coming into this one. Shawn hits a clothesline but it hurts him even further so it wasn’t worth it at all. Anytime Shawn gets something going he hurts his arm again, this time ramming it into the post.

Bobby: She (Luna) is something. Ross: Yeah what is she? Tatanka gets a shoulder breaker out of nowhere but drops an elbow instead of covering. Top rope chop but still no cover. He goes up again and jumps down into what we would call Sweet Chin Music. Today that would kill a guy and be on a highlight reel for years but here it’s just a momentum changer. Luna and Sherri do nothing of note again during a staredown.

Clothesline from the apron to the floor takes down Tatanka. Shawn yells at Sherri and gets a chinlock for awhile. Modified victory roll gets two as this is getting a lot of time. Another victory roll is countered into an electric chair drop to put both guys down again. Double axe by Shawn gets nothing as Tatanka stereotypes up.

Superkick is blocked and Tatanka gets a top rope cross body for a long two. Slingshot puts Shawn into the post and gets a very close two. Powerslam gets an even closer two. This is getting really good now and Tatanka is sent to the floor. Shawn shoves the referee and Tatanka gets the Papoose to Go for the CHEAP DQ! Dang it that was good stuff and got nearly 20 minutes.

Rating: B+. Very solid match that got the time it needed. If it had a real ending, this would be an automatic A. Tatanka was something interesting. He didn’t lose for his first two years which is an amazing streak, longer than even Goldberg’s. Shawn wasn’t quite up to the level of awesome he would reach but it was coming soon. He benefited a lot from the advent of Raw as it gave him a bigger way to get noticed and to put it mildly, it worked. Well that and Razor Ramon plus a ladder.

Luna beats up Sherri post match.

The Steiners say they’re going to beat the Headshrinkers.

Headshrinkers vs. Steiners

Pretty random tag match here but it works ok I guess. It’s your standard face team vs. heel team so that’s fine. We get the first use of JR’s code saying it’s going to be a slobberknocker, meaning it’s going to be awful from a wrestling standpoint. I was always a Headshrinkers mark for some reason, just always liked them.

Scott and Fatu start us off. Steiners control early on which is expected. Oh I forgot to mention: Fatu of the Headshrinkers is more commonly known as Rikishi. In a NICE looking move, Scott and Rick both go up the same corner and hits stereo clotheslines on the Headshrinkers. Nice one indeed. We get breaking news that Luna attacked Sherri again, and somehow, I’m more interested in the match at hand. What a stunner.

Afa rams his guys’ heads together to wake them up a bit. The referee is Bill Alfonso, who you might know as Fonzie from ECW. He was RVD’s overly hyper manager. Samu gets a splash in the corner and Rick just drills him with a clothesline. Afa blasts Scott with what would become known as a kendo stick. Savage gets upset, Heenan doesn’t see the Headshrinkers cheating which is one of his trademarks.

Heenan says he can’t see right with sunglasses on and JR says he saw it too. Heenan says JR is wrong because he’s from Oklahoma. JR’s reaction is priceless. Out to the floor for more pounding on White Thunder. Scott slams one of their heads into the mat and gets kicked in the jaw with a sweet kick for it.

Heenan says his head is like Prudential. Savage: I don’t know what that means. Bobby: It means the rock is hard. Savage: I didn’t ask you Heenan. The commentary for this match is light years ahead of the match itself. Samu gets a dropkick to show off a bit. Off to the nerve hold now, a Samoan trademark. Heenan says Oklahoma is a suburb of Kentucky, which offends JR for some reason.

Samu goes up but misses the big headbutt and there’s the tag to Rick and an eruption. He rams their heads together which is of course, STUPID. Dude learn your stereotypes. Headshrinkers hit a double team version of the move we call the Stroke, leading to one Headshrinker putting Rick on their shoulders for what we would call a Doomsday Device. In a freaking SWEET counter, Rick catches Fatu in the air from on top of Samu’s shoulders in a belly to belly suplex. Looked just absolutely sick.

Back to Scott who nearly kills Fatu with a belly to belly overhead. Scott suddenly remembers he’s better than Rikishi and hits a Frankensteiner, which might be the most impressive move that anyone has ever regularly done, to get the pin. It’s a standing hurricanrana by a guy of Scott Steiner’s size. Think about that.

Rating: B+. I liked this match a lot. Both teams are very solid and some of the stuff they did in this match was simply great. Top level stuff here which surprises me greatly. The Steiners are just scary good when they’re on their game and this is no exception. That powerslam/suplex spot by Rick is absolutely amazing.

Doink the Clown is a screwed up individual. He dresses up a Caesar statue in clown makeup and we get a recap of Doink vs. Crush. Doink also says Crush will be seeing double vision.

Crush vs. Doink the Clown

Crush had one of the best looks of anyone I’d seen from this era. He seriously could have been something special if he’d cared even a little bit at all. He was a decent wrestler with good size and power. I’ve never gotten why he didn’t pan out. Definitely a solid face challenger if nothing else. At about 6’6 and over 300lbs, he was quick and very strong. What’s not to like here?

Doink runs around the ring to start but gets caught by the big Hawaiian that I think Savage wants to make sweet love to down by the pond. Crush beats the holy tar out of Doink for the majority of the match with basic power stuff. His finishing move was a head crushing move which was always kind of odd but it worked I guess.

The clown gets a guillotine clothesline and starts a comeback here, but it doesn’t mean much. In case I wasn’t clear here, Crush is the face in this match. A pretty weak looking Piledriver keeps Crush down for a bit and then he’s sent into the post. Doink jumps into a boot though and here comes the big man.

Doink tries to hide under the ring but gets caught. Back in the ring, Crush uses his head vice finisher on Doink but the ref got bumped. Another Doink comes out and hits Crush in the back with a cast then in the head. This leads to a pin for the real Doink. They check under the ring, where the other Doink came from and went to. They check and no Doink.

Rating: D. A Squash leading to a bad ending means not a good match. This feud went nowhere for the most part and I think it went on until at least the King of the Ring. Crush would soon start a big push which stalled like no other for some reason. Still though, this was really bad.

Todd Pettingil talks to some Japanese fans and after the WWF makes bad racial jokes, Razor Ramon is headed to the ring.

Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund

It’s total filler with no backstory but it’s Backlund in his first Mania match which is impressive since he’s in his early to mid 40s. Razor is the heel here but to put it mildly, he’s very popular. And yet Backlund would be the next guy to win the world title.

Backlund offers a handshake to start but Razor throws a toothpick instead. This is before he had gone insane if you didn’t get that. BIG Razor chant starts up and of course isn’t acknowledged. Backlund keeps tripping him up and does his stupid little dance. I never got the point of that at all but he always did it.

Razor stomps away after a slam. Bret Hart was knocked out cold by Luger at the Mania brunch today. This wasn’t ever addressed after this for some reason. Backlund gets a butterfly suplex which was kind of impressive. Atomic drop, his former finisher, gets no cover. In a great ending, Razor gets a small package out of nowhere to end it. Heenan gets in a great line: he beat the wrestler with a wrestling move.

Rating: C-. Not great but not awful, the ending gives this a decent grade. It’s not terrible and the ending surprised me. Razor had debuted just after Mania 8 and was pushed to the moon. He even got a title shot at the Rumble this year in a forgotten match. The breaking news during this match of Bret being knocked out earlier in the day leads to nothing. The last line of he beat the wrestler with wrestling was great.

In the back we see Gene with Money Inc. The feud they’re involved in at the moment began on a Monday Night Raw (The first Mania that can be said at as the show debuted about 3 months prior to this) when DiBiase tried to hit Beefcake with a briefcase.

Beefcake had been legitimately huge in a parasailing accident over a year ago and his face was badly injured. This led to a great Heenan line of, “It serves him right. His face has hurt me for years.” This attack led to Beefcake getting his friend Hulk Hogan to return to help him.

Also Jimmy Hart jumped from Money Inc to Hogan and Beefcake. Lastly, the night before the show, Hogan was injured, resulting in huge bruises around his eye. Now what really happened to him?

According to the storyline, DiBiase hired a bunch of people to attack him. The WWF said he was hurt in a jetski accident. The common theory in wrestling circles though is Savage thought Hogan and Liz (his real wife) were having an affair and beat the heck out of Hogan. Believe what you will.

Tag Titles: Money Inc. vs. Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake

We get red smoke and Heenan says that can only mean one person. Then Jimmy Hart walks out. Just made me chuckle a bit. This is Hogan’s first match in a year and the pop kind of sucks. It’s big, but not mind blowing. The heels jump the heroes before the bell but Hogan and Beefcake fight them off with the music playing which always makes me mark out like crazy. There’s just something sweet about that.

We get to the real match which is actually quite good. I think just about everyone expected Hogan and Beefcake to somehow take the belts here. Money Inc. had absolutely dominated the tag division for over a year at this point so they were seen as very legit. The champions stall forever to get us started. That’s about what you would expect no?

Hogan’s eye looks terrible. IRS vs. Beefcake start us off. The champions beat him down and tag in and out but for some reason they don’t go after the face that much at all. IRS tries to hit him in the face like a very stupid man indeed. Beefcake takes over and off to Hogan who gets ten punches in the corner on the Million Dollar Man. It’s about five years too late but I guess it’s better than nothing.

More fast tagging by the challengers and Hogan gets a double axe off the middle rope to DiBiase who is getting destroyed here. They clear the ring again as this is one sided after a few minutes of the champions winning early on. The champions try to leave and we get the ten count thing like we did last year I think. Scratch that as it was at Summerslam.

Hogan vs. DiBiase again. Good old fashioned cheating has Money Inc right back in control though. Hogan does what he does best: gets his head kicked in. LONG Million Dollar Dream puts him down but he shakes his finger to get back up. He must be in that thing for two minutes or so. Beefcake comes in to put a sleeper on DiBiase to drive Heenan crazy.

Why does everything seem to go into slow motion during a Hogan match? It takes like a minute and a half to get the hot tag to Beefcake. IRS comes in as well and a cheap shot gives the champions the advantage again. Beefcake’s protective mask gets ripped off and his face gets beaten into oblivion which is always a good thing. Love him or hate him, the guy bumps like a master.

Beefcake finally gets a sleeper on IRS but DiBiase breaks it up causing the ref to go down. Hogan comes in and cleans house leading to a double cover. Jimmy Hart turns his jacket inside out, which just happens to be black and white striped in the biggest coincidence of ALL time (you have to say ALL time at any WM. It’s the law) and apparently they think that’s good enough to make him a referee.

Some pest of a referee comes out and ruins our celebration saying that there’s a DQ as Hogan used Beefcake’s metal mask to knock out Money Inc. Jimmy Hart beats up the other referee and we get Hogan’s music. Post match, Hogan poses and they steal IRS’ briefcase, which contains a brick and money.

Supposedly the brick caused it to hurt a lot worse, because of course hitting someone WITH A SOLID METAL BRIEFCASE didn’t hurt enough. There’s also money in it which Hogan gives to the fans. This literally goes on well over 5 minutes.

Rating: C+. This is a good tag match which is absolutely stunning in its own right. Hogan put on a great performance here as did Brutus. Money Inc was as great as ever and it boils down to a solid match. The main thing killing it was the ending. I mean REALLY?

Hogan hits has Jimmy get the pin and he celebrates? Dude, come on now.It was really the best option, but I still hate it. This match works for one simple reason: it’s nearly 20 minutes long. Both faces get beaten down and we get a double comeback. There’s very little missing from it actually.

Mr. Perfect says he’ll break Luger’s winning streak.

Mr. Perfect vs. Lex Luger

The main perk here is Luger’s entrance with four chicks holding mirrors in gold thongs. Not bad at all. This sounds awesome on paper if nothing else. Luger has knocked out everyone he’s faced so far with the metal plate in his forearm. They fight over a wristlock to start and it’s a standoff. Big shot by Perfect and a knee lift sets up a dropkick and Luger hits the floor.

We talk about baseball as Heenan tries to explain the whole knockout thing and he says Savage knows a thing or two about baseball. That’s very true as he played in some minor leagues for White Sox, Reds and Cardinals organizations. Quite an athlete indeed. Perfect works on the knee which is smart as he can’t get knocked out from there.

LOUD chop by Perfect as he has controlled for the vast majority so far. As is my custom he gets reversed on a hard whip into the corner to give Luger the control. He gets a shot with the loaded arm into the back of Perfect to really take over. Backbreaker puts Perfect down even longer.

Perfect can’t keep anything going and Luger gets a cover with his feet on the ropes for two which Heenan blasts to no end. Powerslam gets two. Sunset flip gets two for Perfect and then hooks a sleeper for all of 2 seconds. Perfect keeps getting pin attempts but can’t get more than two on them. A slingshot puts luger into the buckle for two.

Missile dropkick gets a long two as Luger gets his foot on the rope. No heat at all on that either. They fight over a backslide and Luger leans forward enough to put Perfect’s feet in the ropes so that he can’t kick out for the pin. Post match Luger knocks him out with the forearm.

Rating: C-. Long and at least passable, but I couldn’t stand Luger’s gimmick at the time. The forearm was just a dumb way to end every single match and this is no exception. This was ok but it was really spotty at times and it never got into a flow at all. I’ve seen worse though.

Perfect goes looking for Luger. And for once he finds him and the fight is on again. Shawn jumps Perfect, starting their summer long feud.

Gorilla pops up for no reason at all other than to tell us what two matches are left.

We recap Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzales. Undertaker feuded with Kamala in the fall and beat him. Harvey Whippleman, Kamala’s manager said he would get revenge, so at the Royal Rumble he brought out Gonzalez, who boardered on 7’8. He beat the tar out of Taker and eliminated him, leading to this match.

The feud doesn’t end here as it would finally be settled at the Survivor Series in a Rest in Peace match, which meant No DQ. In case you’re wondering where you’ve heard this story before, it’s THE EXACT same thing that happened with Muhammad Hassan, which led to Mark Henry who combined to play the role of Kamala and then the Great Khali as Gonzalez.

They had a manager that wanted revenge on Taker, then Taker got beaten up by them, then won a no rules match. That’s why old fans didn’t like the Taker/Khali feud: we knew exactly what was coming and we were exactly right.

Giant Gonzalez vs. Undertaker

This is the first Wrestlemania entrance for Undertaker where he’s brought out in a chariot with a vulture on his shoulder which was REALLY cool for its time and is still awesome today. This should sum up how big Gonzalez was: Taker is a big old dude and he comes up to Gonzalez’s chest. Clubbing blows get him nowhere and here comes Taker.

Gonzalez chokes Taker who gets on the second rope to choke back but gets a low blow for his trouble down in his little demons. A low blow is no sold and we go to School (In 1993 the School wasn’t old yet). This was in that really weird period that stretched to about 1996 when Foley got there where they had no idea what to do with Undertaker so they just had him fight giants.

Giant chokes Taker down until the Urn goes up into the air. Taker goes into the steps on the floor as it’s ALL Gonzalez. Heenan proclaims him dead and almost has a heart attack when Taker is like boy I’m the Undertaker and just stands up and keeps beating on Gonzalez. Taker beats him down before Harvey throws in a cloth covered in chloroform which puts Taker down but it’s a DQ anyway. Yep this is bad.

Rating: F+. The match itself was just bad as there was one simple flaw: Gonzalez was just terrible. He was too big to be able to properly do anything in the ring and it showed badly here. It’s the only thing close to a blemish on Taker’s Mania record and that’s a shame. The idea that the commentators could smell a small rag in an open area like that is ludicrous to say the least, especially after all of 5 seconds of it being out.

Taker stays down for a long time with Gonzalez standing over him in triumph. They stretcher him out which isn’t something you see every day. The fans chant for Hogan for a bit, but then a gong rings. Today that would blow the roof off the place (despite there being no roof here) but here it only gets a solid pop. He staggers out and beats the heck out of Gonzalez which makes me wonder: WHY IN THE WORLD DID THEY DO THE DQ ENDING???

Gene recaps the feud with Hart and Yoko, and then Hulk Hogan makes sure he has the spotlight at the end of the show as he has to talk about how he’s in Bret’s corner. Oh and he calls Yokozuna a Jap.

WWF Title: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna

Yoko wins this shot based on winning the Rumble. When you look back, there was absolutely no doubt who was going to win here. The idea is that Bret has no chance and they’ve spent the entire show telling us that Bret has no chance. Guess what happens in the match.

The problem with this match is very simple: Yoko is too big for Bret to do much with. Bret’s offense is completely unbelievable here and that’s not a knock on him as no one for the most part could do much against Yoko. That’s also not a knock on Yoko as he was a decent big man (bring it on Irish).

Bret is sent to the floor after a nice attack to start but it’s clear he’s going to be in trouble. He ties Yoko’s legs in the ropes and gets him down so he can hammer away. Savage wants him to cover but is corrected by Heenan in a bizarre moment. Clothesline takes Bret down almost as soon as Yoko gets to his feet. Leg drop half kills Bret for no cover. The fans chant USA for their Canadian champion.

Bret gets a boot up for a BIG pop and a bulldog/jump on his back gets two. Side kick puts Bret right back down as this is bordering on a squash so far. Off to the nerve hold now which is basically a way to waste some time, which in a 9 minute match is rather stupid. Oh and all of Bret’s fans are Hulkamaniacs. Heenan points out the stupidity of the USA chants and is ignored. Bret gets in all the offense he can which is more or less getting him nowhere.

FINALLY he gets something as the buckle is exposed and Yoko’s head goes into it, sending him down to his stomach. Bret puts on a shockingly passable sharpshooter and the crowd is shocked. Mr. Fuji then throws salt into Bret’s eyes allowing Yoko to pin him for the title. Now let’s break down why this ending is so bad. Bret gets the sharpshooter on after Yoko shows no sign of his knees being hurt by Bret’s offense on them. I’ll let that go though as it’s a solid move that would hurt enough for a quick submission.

Fuji has done almost nothing all match. Bret sees him right in front of him as he takes FOREVER to get the salt out and throw it. Are you telling me Bret couldn’t have, I don’t know, CLOSED HIS EYES??? The referee sees Bret holding his eyes, sees the cloud from the thrown salt and sees Fuji holding a package of salt and thinks nothing of this, and to top it off, salt in the eyes is enough to knock Bret out for a pin? Come on now.

Rating: D+. The size difference here was too much, the time was bad, and the finish was insulting to my intelligence. The wrestling is ok, but just barely. Bret fights valiantly for the full nine minutes of this match and yes you read that right. That’s the biggest issue most people have with this match and this Wrestlemania. The biggest match was less than 10 minutes long.

BUT WAIT!!!

Hulk Hogan comes out because he can’t handle a *gasp* young and talented guy taking the spotlight or something evil like that, so he explains to Fumbles McWhoops our referee what happened and apparently Fuji has match making abilities now as tells Hogan that Yoko will put the belt on the line right now. Bret points to the ring which apparently means go for it.

Hulk slides in and we’re off to the races one more time. The fans are happy, but looking back this is beyond stupid. WHY would Fuji put the newly won title on the line against the greatest giant killer of all time after Yoko has had no rest while Hogan has rested for about half at least? And people wonder why the business was in so much of a hole as it was around this time.

WWF Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Yokozuna

Yoko attacks Hogan as he slides in then holds him for more salt. Hogan ducks, nails Fuji, clotheslines Yoko, drops the leg and wins his fifth title. No rating of course.

Hogan poses with the title as we go off the air.

Overall Rating: F+. This show is truly bad and the main reason behind that is the ending. Hulk Hogan had absolutely no need to come in and steal the spotlight all over again. I don’t care how big of a Hulkamaniac you are, and I’m a huge one, but there is no justification for that whatsoever.

Let Yoko leave with the belt and do this on Raw the next night. Aside from that, the rest of the matches are ok at best. There’s a few watchable matches here and there but there’s no reasoning to sit through the rest of the show for them. Wrestlemania isn’t supposed to be something you need to fast forward through to get to the decent stuff. BIG recommendation to avoid here as this might be the worst WM of all time.

 

Remember to like me on Facebook at:

 

http://www.facebook.com/pages/kbwrestlingreviewscom/117930294974885?sk=wall