History of Wrestlemania with KB – Wrestlemania 11: Just get it over with

Wrestlemania 11
Date: April 2, 1995
Location: Hartford Civic Center, Hartford, Connecticut
Attendance: 16,305
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler
America the Beautiful: Kathy Huey

Oh goodness, we did have to get to this eventually didn’t we? If you remember my review of WM 9 being the worst WM ever, I should have said it would be the worst for the next two years. This show is one of the most interesting in wrestling history from a reaction standpoint. From the fans’ perspective, this show is what’s played on a constant loop in the seventh circle of purgatory, minus the WWF Title match.

The number one issue I have right off the bat with this is that it’s from Hartford, Connecticut. Seriously, HARTFORD??? Wrestlemania has broadcast from New York, LA, Chicago, Toronto, Las Vegas, and now HARTFORD? It just doesn’t sound right. Another factor here is that there’s a whopping total of 7 matches. What’s the main event you ask?

Would it be Shawn Michaels getting his first WWF Title match since becoming a main eventer against his former bodyguard Diesel? Nope. We get Bam Bam Bigelow who was wrestling a clown last year against Lawrence Taylor, a former football player and current contestant on Dancing With The Stars. The sad thing is, I’m not making this up. The weird thing though is, this show allegedly brought the WWF back into the war with WCW.

The ratings were decent and it got the company the main stream exposure it’s looking for. Think of it like the modern day TNA: the hardcore wrestling fans like us mostly hate it, but the common fans eat it up. Go figure. Anyway, let’s get on with this so I can look for a hammer to apply to my head.

The opening video is about various Manias through the years which tends to be a theme in these opening videos.

Your celebrities this year are Pamela Anderson (actual celebrity), Jonathan Taylor Thomas (Randy on Home Improvement. Another child star that did nothing.), Jenny McCarthy (Mini-celebrity now, she was at the last SNME so points for that I guess), some guy from NYPD Blue, and Salt N Peppa, who hit on Bret Hart which just looks ridiculous. A special Olympian sings America the Beautiful, and it’s time for our first match.

Ok not quite yet as we get a very interesting chat from Vince and Jerry about what Wrestlemania is.  You don’t get to hear that much from Vince.  It’s short and sweet but it got the point across just fine.  NOW on to the match.

Lex Luger/British Bulldog vs. The Blu Brothers

No that’s not a typo, it’s spelled Blu. These guys have the gimmick of being two incredibly hick brothers from the mountains. You know them better as D.O.A., the Harris Brothers, or those two big white bald guys that are in every promotion on the planet. My goodness how far has Lex fallen in a year? He’s going after the WWF Title and next year is curtain jerking in a tag match?

The twins are named Jacob and Eli in case you were so bored you were actually wondering. Lex and Davey go by the name the Allied Powers. That delayed vertical suplex by Davey never gets old. It’s nothing short of amazing. Definitely like the fact that Bulldog’s tights are about 3 sizes too small.  Oh yeah we have a match to get to.

For some reason the Brothers come down second.  The Brothers try to jump them which winds up in a pair of powerslams for them.  Note that this is just a powerslam and not The Powerslam by Bulldog so it’s just a normal match.  Bulldog is in trouble early on as the power of evil double teaming has him hurting.

A double big boot puts Bulldog down as Luger is just worthless on the apron here.  The fans aren’t incredibly impressed.  Jerry says that Bulldog has only lost once at Mania which isn’t true as he lost at both #3 and #4.  Luger comes in and the fans pop just slightly.  I guess the jump back to WCW was the right move indeed.  Another powerslam gets no cover.

The loaded forearm gets two as the other twin makes the save.  Uncle Zebekiah gets drilled and it’s Twin Magic time.  One twin goes for a powerbomb/Piledriver but Luger makes a blind tag, allowing the Bulldog to hit a top rope sunset flip for the pin, prompting a fireworks display to go off.

Rating: D. Not bad, but just there. It’s nothing special at all and I’m not sure how many people really cared.  The crowd was about as dead as I’ve ever heard for a Mania opener, and that’s including The Executioner vs. Santana back in 85.  Wow I feel old for writing that.  Anyway this was pretty bad and could have been on any Superstars show back in the day.

Jim Ross talks to the Uncle who says this is what they deserved for being in the big city.  They pinned the wrong guy and that’s not the last you’ll see of the twins.

The NYPD Blue guy is with the Million Dollar Team (DiBiase’s stable of mostly jobbers) when he’s supposed to be in the dressing room of Pam Anderson but the mic doesn’t work. As an aside, during the show Lawler accidentally knocked some cords loose and he and Vince had to redo the entire commentary on the show from watching video. Due to that, the commentary you’ll hear on these matches isn’t live at all.

Lawler describes football as a game where eleven men spend hours trying to move a small object 100 yards, which is just like the post office.  What that has to do with this is beyond me but it sounded good at the time.  Oh it’s about the NFL guys here for the main event.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

No real story here other than they’re feuding for no apparent reason. Jarrett is in his country music gimmick here and even the Fink sounds bored out of his mind here. Jarrett won the title at the Rumble thanks to the Roadie (Road Dogg in case you didn’t know that) interfering. 1-2-3 Kid and Ramon are in the back and say that Ramon is ready.

Razor was so over back then it’s insane. Vince makes a weird comment saying that Ramon knows where he is at all times. Not sure why that’s a compliment. Don’t most people know where they’re located? It’s either a Vince line or a rib that 3 people get.  Razor is all over Jarrett to start this off.  Jarrett hits the floor and Razor gets to shoot off his pyro.  He gets about three covers in the first 2 minutes, all off punches.

Double J may have hurt his tooth.  Rollup gets two for Razor.  Roadie saves Jarrett from the Razor’s Edge and Jarrett tries to leave but the Kid is waiting in the aisle to stop that. Five minutes in and JJ’s biggest move has been a hard Irish whip. You know for all of his detractors, Jarrett can wrestle quite well. I’ve always wondered why he didn’t get the recognition as a star that he deserved.

Jarrett tries to get on offense but can’t get anything long term going at all.  He gets thrown to the floor again as the crowd dies all over again.  Jeff gets some dropkicks in and here comes the guy from Tennessee.  We hit the chinlock and the fans get going a bit.  At least it’s a fast one as Razor gets a backslide for two.  Sleeper goes on Razor and again it lasts just a few seconds.  Oh hey here’s another chinlock to keep us interested.

This match just isn’t flowing. It’s like they’re working move to move and it’s showing badly. In a really stupid looking sequence, they both hit the ropes and hit head to head. Then they get up and hit the ropes again and both punch each other. It’s more or less the same spot twice in a row. Just looked stupid. This referee is counting ridiculously fast too.

Fallaway slam gets two.  Discus punch gets Jeff down.  Can Razor do anything else besides punch and go for the Edge?  Razor hurts his knee going for a top rope bulldog, which is the same knee that was hurt THREE MONTHS AGO at the Rumble. Of course it’s still sore. Why wouldn’t it be?

Figure four by Jarrett as the Roadie pulls on Jarrett’s arms for more leverage. I’ve always wondered about that. How does it make it hurt more? I love how Razor’s knee is hurt badly, yet he can pick a 230lb man up, sit him on the top rope and belly to back suplex him from it without his knee giving out.

He gets him up for the Razor’s Edge but Roadie chop blocks him for the DQ. Post match, all four men brawl. JR asks Jarrett about his cheating and Jarrett says he’ll always be the IC Champion. If by always he means until he jumps to WCW and then back to the WWF, loses to Chyna after being hit by a fish and then is banned from the company because Austin hated him, they yes he’ll always be champion.

Rating: D+. This was WAY too many punches and rest holds. These two have had far better matches before, such as at the Rumble. Razor probably had 90% of his offense from throwing punches.  Jarrett wasn’t anywhere nearly as serious as he should have been at this point and that change wouldn’t come for many years.  Definitely a weak match from them.

Since there was no audio earlier, let’s redo the exact movements from the interview earlier on. Pamela Anderson is nowhere to be found. Shawn and Sid say that Diesel is afraid.

Todd Pettingil gets in a 3 point stance with a football player and that’s all there is to this pointless bit.

The Undertaker vs. King Kong Bundy

This is the result of a mini feud with DiBiase and Kama over the Urn being stolen for about the 12th time.  A baseball umpire is refereeing the match for no apparent reason.  Bundy charges straight at him to start but that gets him nowhere.  Old School can’t take him down.  A bunch of clotheslines finally put the bald man down.

Bundy knocks him to the floor and Taker gets the Urn back.  Now of course Bundy is in big trouble as Taker is all ticked off.  Here’s Kama (Godfather) to steal it back again.  This is going as fast as I’m typing it so it’s not like I’m skipping over a ton of stuff.  Taker grabs Kama’s face but Bundy makes the save and Kama escapes.

Ross grabs an interview with Kama who says he’s going to melt it down and make a chain out of it and put it around his neck, which he wound up doing.  Bundy chokes away in the corner, showing off his vast array of offensive talents.  This referee is rather bad at counting.  Bearer plays cheerleader to try to get Taker out of a chinlock.  Avalanche hits in the corner but Taker is no Special Delivery Jones so it has no effect.  A slam and the jumping clothesline of all things end this.

Rating: F+. Oh man this was bad.  Taker was completely lacking direction at this point and it was painfully obvious that they had no clue what to do with him.  He would feud with Kama for a bit before feuding with King Mabel for a bit until FINALLY Mankind debuted to give Taker something to do long term.  Terrible match.

Oh look, the NYPD Blue guy still can’t find Pamela Anderson.  Steve McMichael says he’ll take down Kama.  The rest of the All-Pro Team says they’ll take care of the Million Dollar Team.  The NYPD Blue guy does find Jonathan Taylor Thomas beating Bob Backlund at chess though.  I never thought I’d have to type that.  Backlund’s rant about the world being screwed up is hilarious.

Tag Titles: Smoking Gunns vs. Owen Hart/???

Owen has a mystery partner here. The Smoking Gunns are a great example of the failure of tag wrestling during this time period. They were definitely talented, but absolutely no one cared about them. They’re practically forgotten but were one of the most successful tag teams from this time frame.

As you probably know, the partner is Yokozuna.  Oddly enough the partner comes out before the Guns, the champions, do.  This is of course about Bret somehow because Owen is completely obsessed with Bret.  Yoko weighs a few tons by this point and is straight up waddling to the ring.  The Gunns say they don’t care who the partner is.  Billy with a mullet and a mustache is freaky looking.

More fireworks for the champions here.  What’s with that tonight for the tag teams?  Owen and Billy start us off.  That’s the most talented combination out there I guess.  Apparently Owen and Neidhart were eliminated from the tag tournament to determine the #1 contenders so this is a result of that.  The Gunns work on the arm of Owen to start which lasts only a few seconds as it’s off to Yoko.

The leg drop misses and Yoko takes over again.  And never mind as it’s back to Owen again.  Cornette is yelling at the fans which is one of the more entertaining parts of the show.  Double Russian legsweep to the Canadian by the American cowboys.  Yoko gets sent to the floor as we’re in the Colossal Connection formula here: Owen does the vast majority of the work while Yoko is brought in as the heavy hitter.

Apparently Men on a Mission have turned heel on the Gunns.  Riveting indeed and unfortunately it set up King Mabel.  The Gunns hit a modified Sidewinder (side slam/legdrop combination) for two on Owen.  Yoko comes in and gets the legdrop on the back of Billy’s head to more or less kill him.  I’m surprised Yoko has been in the ring this long.

LONG nerve hold by Yoko on Billy to waste a lot of time.  Yoko misses a legdrop and Bart comes in.  Everything breaks down and Billy gets killed by a belly to belly from the fat man.  Banzai Drop ends Billy and Owen gets the pin for the title, which might be his first in the company if that’s possible.

Rating: D+. Eh just a tag match here.  The Gunns were boring beyond belief and Yoko was so fat that he could barely move at all.  This was simply to have a title switch on the show much like the first show in the series.  Boring match and somehow the best one so far I think if that’s possible.

Bigelow says he’ll destroy Lawrence Taylor.  There was a Mania Work Out and they had a skirmish there too.  This feud never really got going for me but the media actually paid attention so there’s that I guess.  This interview takes forever and nothing special is said at all.

Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund

This is an I Quit match with Roddy Piper as referee for no apparent reason.  Vince says Roddy knows something about submission.  What in the world would that be anyway?  This was their second submission match technically as the other was a throw in the towel match that had to end in submission if I remember right.  Piper would be Commissioner by the next Mania.

Backlund is more or less crazy here which was rather impressive given how completely different he used to be back in his glory days.  I’m still mad about not getting Bret’s glasses when I was a kid.  The annoying kid next to me got them.  I did however get a Slaughter helmet.  Bret gets a headbutt to start and the fight is on.  Sharpshooter can’t go on early.

Vince doesn’t remember Piper losing to Bret at Mania 8.  Some fan he is.  Bret goes for the Sharpshooter again and can’t get it.  You couldn’t tell that from Vince as he keeps changing his reaction every five seconds.  “Yes!  No.  Yes!  No.”  Is he the Zodiac or something?  Figure Four goes on but Backlund reverses it.  Neither guy says they quit as we get a quick check-in with the German commentators for no apparent reason.

Bret works the knee again as this is rather boring.  Piper needs to quit asking them if they quit so often.  Backlund works on the arm as I try to find a good novel to read so I don’t have to watch this for awhile.  Backlund hooks a Fujiwara armbar and Bret says No to Piper.  That was a shocking line then apparently which is amusing given that in an I Quit match in 99 with HHH vs. Rock, HHH said Suck It when he was asked if he quit.

Backlund likes that armbar.  Jerry talks about breaking into a pyramid (what the heck?) and seeing a picture of Stu Hart with a headlock on King Tut (where does he get these jokes from?).  Sharpshooter almost goes on but Backlund gets to the ropes before it gets cinched in.  Bret charges again and his shoulder hits the post to put him in real trouble.

There’s the Crossface Chickenwing and Bret is in trouble.  And never mind as he casually reverses and gets a horrible version of it on Backlund for the submission.  You know, from all that devastating work that he did on Backlund’s arm the whole time.  This was an awful match if you didn’t get it.

Rating: F+. This was really bad. Backlund was just flat out too old to be a serious main event threat by this point and while Bret was sharp as ever, Bob just didn’t have it in him anymore. Bret has called it the worst match of his career and he might be right. Backlund’s I saw the Light thing led to an angle where he would run for President of all things. As you can guess, it went nowhere.  Also, having a Bret match lack any and all psychology is very weird indeed.

Backlund is leaving and says he saw the light.  This would mean he became a Presidential candidate.

Ok, the NYPD guy was annoying at first. Now he’s just making me mad. NO ONE CARES.  They’re changing the celebrities around.

More audio issues as Todd tries to talk to Diesel. He finally says that he’s going to keep the title. He slips up when he’s trying to say if he’s going to regain or retain the title and finally screams HOLD ONTO IT. This was back when Nash was actually really good and got the reputation he’s lived off for years now.

Celebrities are introduced as Jerry Lawler reveals he accidentally unplugged some cords.

WWF Title: Shawn Michaels vs. Diesel

The deal was supposed to be McCarthy came out with Diesel and Anderson, who was viewed as ten times hotter and more important than McCarthy (nonsense) would come out with the Rumble winner, Shawn. For obvious reasons, this got reversed. The NYPD Blue guy is the ring announcer and he’s miles better at this than he is as an interviewer. He shouts almost everything he says and for the sake of this, it works really well.

The story here is Diesel was Shawn’s bodyguard but realized he was awesome on his own so he turned face and won the WWF Title. Sid replaced him as the bodyguard and the exact same thing would happen in about a year. Shawn has finally morphed into the character that would make him a legend by this point.  As weird as this sounds, Diesel is a freaking beast at this point. Sweet intro, the music was cool, he has Pamela Anderson, just the complete look. What in the world happened to that?    Anderson simply couldn’t want to be here less if her life depended on it.

Shawn hammers away to start as we’re already into the power vs. speed area.  Diesel had been champion since a few days after Survivor Series so he had almost 7 more months with the title here.  Diesel sends Shawn to the floor as we look at the ladies.  Sid distracts the referee but Shawn can’t get in a shot on Diesel.  Suplex puts Shawn down.

Back to the floor again as Sid and Diesel stare each other down one more time.  Diesel counters a sunset flip as this is more or less one sided so far.  Nash gets sent to the floor but Shawn Skins the Cat and dives down to crush Diesel.  Baseball slide has the champion in trouble.  We look at Anderson again and sweet goodness does she want to be anywhere else but here.

The fans loudly chant for Sid, thus proving that this entire match is booked wrong.  Shawn hits a splash off the apron to the floor as Diesel is in trouble.  Back in the ring Shawn stomps away and hits a bulldog for two.  I’ve never liked that move at all.  Reverse cross body off the middle rope gets two again.  Shawn works on the arm and gets a LET’S GO SHAWN chant in his honor.

Ok make that he’s working on Diesel’s ribs.  A top rope elbow to the back gets two in what is for some reason a highlight reel clip for Shawn.  Never really have gotten why but it certainly is.  Off to the chinlock now as the fans still like Shawn better.  Diesel fights back and gets Snake Eyes to get some momentum going.  Flair Flip in the corner and Shawn hits the floor again.

Nash follows and it’s time to see Shawn’s tights pulled down as is the tradition for big matches he’s in for no apparent reason.  They slug it out on the floor and the referee twists his ankle getting down.  I guess it wasn’t an Attitude Era thing.  Back in the ring Shawn gets Sweet Chin Music but there’s no referee which would be a factor in Shawn’s reasoning as to why he lost.

It gets two and the fans boo loudly on the kickout.  Sid goes to an old school heel move and rips off the turnbuckle pad.  Diesel gets a suplex to avoid being rammed into it and both guys are down.  Shawn gets an arm over him for a long two as the fans aren’t seeming to care much here.

In a slick counter, Diesel catches a bulldog off the middle rope in a side slam.  Nice move.  Shawn circles Diesel but gets his legs tripped from under him.  Diesel goes old school with a slingshot into the exposed buckle.  If only that had actually been where he landed, as Shawn’s head hit the middle buckle instead of the top one.  Big boot and Jackknife end this anyway.

Rating: B. As you can tell, I really like this match. It’s not famous at all but it’s definitely solid all around. There was a story with the ribs, a controversy that would lead to rematches and a clean ending. The match also got enough time to put on something decent and it showed. Shawn was clearly coming into his own but still wanted to prove himself. Solid effort all around and a very good match.  These two had some of the most forgotten great matches of all time and this is one of them for sure.

Shawn and Sid complain to Ross and say it’s not over, which it wasn’t.  The celebrities celebrate with Diesel forever and Nash gets both chicks.

Shawn complains even more in the back.

Lawrence Taylor vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

If you have never seen a person die and you want to…actually if you want to I’d recommend psychiatric help. But anyway, right here you’re about to see a man’s career die right in front of your eyes.

Here it is. Let it be known throughout the universe and all the world, that the reason that WM 11 is called the worst WM of all time is this match and this angle right here. Here’s the idea: for those of you that don’t know, LT is one of the best football players of all time, bar none. He was at the Royal Rumble in the front row and Bigelow shoved him, leading to this.

Instead of the WWF Title being on the line in the main event of the biggest show of the year, we get a retired football player against a barely upper midcarder that was about 8 years past his prime. Do I even need to explain why this was a bad idea? Each man has a group of 5 supporters at ringside so it’s more or less a lumberjack match.  Their entrances take the greater part of forever.  Oh and Salt N Peppa sing LT to the ring.

Pat Patterson of all people is the referee.  There are so many jokes I could make about that I don’t know where to start.  This is by far and away the main event of the show which still makes my head shake.  I used to complain that Lawrence couldn’t wrestle but that was the point I think: he wasn’t supposed to be able to wrestle but rather be able to fight.

Diesel had been showing him some stuff apparently.  The bell hasn’t rung yet so we’re just hanging around and waiting to start.  Patterson wants a handshake but Lawrence slaps Bigelow instead and it’s on.  Taylor likes to throw forearms which makes sense as it’s a basic strike.  Taylor sends him to the floor with Bigelow doing the majority of the work to get himself over the top.

Bigelow misses a corner splash and Taylor gets a belly to back for two.  More forearms which keep working so naturally he keeps going with them.  Taylor gets in the face of the Million Dollar Team as we’re still waiting on the big brawl between the guys on the floor.  Lawrence gets caught on his way back in and now we get into the main part of the match.

They’re going very slow which is understandable here.  Falling headbutt misses Taylor but he can’t capitalize and Bigelow takes over again.  Boston Crab goes on which shifts into a sloppy half crab instead.  Ok now it’s shifted into more or less Bigelow pulling on Taylor’s leg.  This is a very different kind of match and not incredibly interesting.

The rope is finally grabbed and Taylor goes back to the forearms.  A suplex gets Taylor out of trouble for a bit and both guys are down.  Bigelow gets the advantage again and hits the Moonsault but hurts his knee, having to roll off.  He covers shortly thereafter and gets two to ZERO reaction.  I think the fans were confused or flat out didn’t care.  Either way it’s not a good sign.

LT gets a gutwrench suplex that is called a Jackknife for two.  Enziguri puts Taylor down again and this is really needing to end like now.  Top rope headbutt gets two and a tiny reaction.  Taylor makes his big comeback and hammers away with the forearms and now the crowd is getting into it.  In the big spot of the match, LT goes to the middle rope and hits a flying forearm to get the pin.  Taylor might have been hurt but he seems ok.  DiBiase rips into Bigelow post match, setting up his failure of a face turn.

Rating: D+. Well they tried.  I’ll give them that: they tried.  For the life of me I don’t get why this is what they closed the show with.  Well actually I do as it was certainly the biggest match, but it shouldn’t have been if that makes sense.  Taylor’s offense made sense as he kept at it with the forearms, but the match didn’t work for the most part.  Still though, not completely unwatchable but not incredibly good.

Overall Rating: F+. Yeah this show is still boring.  It feels more like an In Your House rather than what it should have been, which is the biggest show of the year.  Shawn vs. Diesel is good and that’s about it.  Everything else is completely forgettable to say the least and the main event is one of the biggest headscratchers of all time.

To give you an idea of how odd this show is, it runs less than two and a half hours.  Think about that.  Wrestlemania ran less than two and a half hours.  The show was shockingly well received though and it got a solid buyrate for the time.  It doesn’t hold up well at all and that’s what kills it.  95 simply wasn’t kind to PPV and this is probably the second worst show of the year, after Summerslam.  Bad show.




Living Dangerously 1998 – The Beginning Of The End

Living Dangerously 1998
Date: March 1, 1998
Location: Asbury Park Convention Center, Asbury Park, New Jersey
Attendance: 3,700
Commentator: Joey Styles

It’s been about four to five months since our last outing and only one thing has really changed: Al Snow. He’s risen to prominence now with the Head gimmick and he is having a match tonight with Kronus to showcase himself. Also Storm is feuding with Candido because Storm got thrown out of his spot as a Triple Threat prospect.

 

Jerry Lynn/Chris Chetti vs. F.B.I.

Chetti was the first graduate of the House of Hardcore, the ECW wrestling school, which I know because Joey says that Chris Chetti was the first graduate of the House of Hardcore, the ECW wrestling school. The F.B.I. are all dancing for some reason. This is Guido and Smothers in case you were wondering.

 

Lynn had little credibility at this point but he was getting more popular. Chetti is introduced as the first graduate of the House of Hardcore, the ECW wrestling school. The fans don’t like Smothers, like at all. Maybe Lynn has more credibility at this point than I thought. Ok the WOO for chops is getting annoying.

 

Lynn takes out both guys with a nice looking dive from the top. Rich accidentally nails Chetti. Wait what? That’s what Joey said but it makes no sense. That’s not something I usually have to say about him. He annoys me but to be fair he doesn’t make many huge mistakes. Also to be fair, another guy up there might catch his errors, which are understandable.

 

Chetti hooks a small package but Lynn messes up and has the referee. Again Chris gets the cover on a rollup but there’s no referee. Chetti gets a nice spot where he runs up the corner and comes back with a reverse leg lariat. That was pretty sweet. He finally gets the hot tag to Lynn who cleans house including a jumping back elbow which makes him awesome. Rick comes in with an Italian flag but the shot misses and hits Guido, giving Lynn a rollup for the win.

Rating: C+. Not bad at all. It was pretty fast paced and formula based so everything went fine there. It got the crowd into the show which is never a problem that this place has so that kind of makes these matches redundant. Even still, this was fine.

Joey says Wing Kanemura isn’t here so of course we get a video package anyway on him. He’s not here. Ok then.

Lance Wright, some jerk in a bad suit that says he works for Vince, says that tonight it’s Doug Furnas vs. Tanaka. This guy is really annoying.

Masato Tanaka vs. Doug Furnas

So I watched the whole match before I started writing about it and the only word to describe it is sloppy beyond all belief. I mean they botch a ton of stuff here and it’s not like they’re little spots. They botch BIG spots. Tanaka tries for a tornado DDT but it turns into them just falling all over each other.

 

I guess you can chalk some of this up to them having limited time to prepare, but at the same time these are pros and shouldn’t have to deal with things like this. The fans are booing the heck out of this match and I can’t say for a second that I blame them. It’s just amateurish looking to say the least.

 

A botch here and there is one thing but this is awful. Tanaka ends this nightmare with a roaring elbow. Ok so it wasn’t all botches but still there were FAR too many in here to be acceptable. Post match Wright talks about WWF higher ups and Furnas nails him before putting on an ECW shirt, and I’m assuming defecting or something like that.

Rating: D. The botches just killed it and in a match that doesn’t even go for six minutes that just sucked the life out of this one for me. This just wasn’t worth a PPV time slot but again to be fair they didn’t know that this would be the match. They at least realized the match sucked and ended it before it got out of hand.

Ad for the Hardcore Hotline. Also, you can get a FREE merchandise catalogue. That’s actually smart. Wrestlepalooza, which might be the best name ever, is in two months which is the shortest layoff yet so that’s a good sign.

We can’t air Sandman vs. Sabu because it’s graphic. Keep that in mind.

Nicole Bass, an annoying chick that thought she was a hot Chyna and Jason, an annoying guy, show up and demand that we see a tape. It’s of Dreamer showing up without Beaulah. Yeah that’s it. Tommy has his dog with him. That’s just cool for some reason.

Rob Van Dam vs. 2 Cold Scorpio

Van Dam is still a huge heel here but it’s lightening up a lot. Scorpio is over at least. He’s Flash Funk at this point but here he’s just the simple 2 Cold Scorpio and therefore much better than he was in WWF. The more I hear the more I think Van Dam is already a face. They start with a long feeling out process which is fine as they do some decent technical stuff.

 

However, we of course get a botch because it’s ECW. Those things just suck the life out of a lot of matches. I understand that they are going to happen and at least here they covered it up a bit. In the previous match they just assumed no one noticed and thought it would be fine. That’s just freaking dumb. We get a very nice reversal sequence with a lot of monkey flips that ends with a standoff.

 

Very nice indeed. We hit the floor and Van Dam is in the crowd. Well you knew it was going to happen sooner or later I guess. I think they’re going for the big epic match here but the fans aren’t all happy with it which can’t be a good sign. To be fair though, most of the time not all fans are going to love the thing. The fans want Sandman apparently. That sums up ECW crowds pretty well.

 

We’re given a high flying technically mostly sound match, and the fans want weapons and blood and tables. So many times these fans were just ridiculous and stupid and this is one of them. Scorpio hits a SWEET moonsault. The Five Star which isn’t called that yet gets knees or what are called knees I suppose as it looked like it hit pretty well to me. We hit the ramp for awhile and the Van Daminator is more or less no sold. Hint for how to counter: HIT HIM WITH THE CHAIR. Seriously dude, use some freaking intelligence.

 

A piledriver on the ramp and Van Dam is hurt. And there goes the referee because in a no DQ match we need a referee for…? Van Dam tries to steal the 450 and would have missed completely anyway. Scorpio mostly hits the 450 and here’s Sabu to up the workrate. An Arabian Facebuster gets two. Sandman comes out to chase off Sabu. Van Dam gets a SWEET jumping rollup for the pin. Post match Van Dam acts very cocky and offers a handshake but Scorpio nails him to a big pop.

 

Sabu comes back with a table so they try to put Scorpio through it. Naturally this doesn’t work as Sandman makes the save. In a stupid moment, as Scorpio is laying on it and Sandman makes the save, he pops up as soon as Sandman is here. Yeah that didn’t look dumb at all. Sandman tries a hurricanrana from the top through the table on Sabu. Guess what happens. Go ahead and guess. Anyway, the two faces share a beer after the match. Sandman dances. This is disturbing.

Rating: B-. This was good, but it suffers from the same problem that it always does: Paul Heyman overbooking it. Can ANYONE explain to me why Sabu and Sandman had to come in there? I know RVD and Sabu are partners, but he had no business coming to ringside at all.

 

The match was rather good until they went to the floor and it became just another brawl. Why is wrestling so hard to do when you have two guys that are really good at it? I get that it’s a hardcore company, but at the end of the day it’s a wrestling company and should be about wrestling.

Ok so see if you can follow this one. That’s not me talking, that’s how Heyman starts the next video package. Are you freaking kidding me? The idea is that Storm was a Triple Threat (top heel stable) prospect and won the tag titles with Candido who was in Triple Threat.

 

Sunny showed up and got Candido to go insane and beat up Storm so they’re still champions but hate each other. I didn’t know Russo worked for ECW. Tonight there’s a tag match where they’re on other sides and both get to pick partners. The winners get nothing at all. They would hold the titles another THREE MONTHS before losing them. You think that’s long enough?

Dudley Boys vs. New Jack/Spike Dudley vs. Hardcore Chair Swingin Freaks

It’s elimination rules of course. Gertner’s intro is hilarious for Big Dick Dudley: “The man who last night took such liberties with YOUR mother that he is now legally your father in 17 states.” That is just awesome. About himself: “More tongue in cheek than a lesbian orgy” and “Joel, your girlfriend has me on speed dial because she loves the way I star 69 her, Gertner.” This guy is awesome.

 

He follows that up with “Currently getting jiggy with it to my left,” seriously, sign this guy now. The intro takes like 8 minutes but it’s hilarious. Balls and Axl come out and the brawl is on early. And after some ok stuff here’s New Jack with his weapons to screw the whole thing up. Oh dang it we have to listen to the stupid song again don’t we. Yep we do.

 

The music really throws things off as it keeps making me think that something important is happening or that the team who came out to it are winning. And yep it’s all weapons now. Spike keeps jumping all over the place because that’s the only thing he can do to make sense here. And now all six go into the crowd. Ok then. We’re at the merchandise stand now and Spike and New Jack dive like 15 feet to the floor through tables through the Dudleys.

 

Ok, when Mankind did it, it was cool. This was just mindless violence being substituted for wrestling. Keep in mind that ten minutes into this match the sang song is still playing. An Acid Drop through a table gets two for Spike as Bubba saves it since they want to eliminate Balls and Axl. And a 3D does just that. Twin guitar shots and an Acid Drop and a chair from the top ends this mess.

Rating: D. I hate these things. They’re just complete garbage and more than anything else, I hate that song. Why is this considered interesting or good or anything like that? Anyway, this was just like every other one of these that they did as in it was completely pointless and mindless crap.

We get a big long package about Justin Credible who was pushed to the freaking moon for years. The problem: the fans didn’t care or buy it. Why didn’t they? Simply put: he wasn’t any good. He was average and that’s it.

Justin Credible vs. Tommy Dreamer

Jenna Jameson is the new reporter. Justin Credible comes out and says he has Beaulah so who needs Jenna. I would agree actually. Nicole Bass and Jason are with him and I honestly thought Bass was a man at first. Jenna tries to act tough and it just fails. Dreamer comes out and I have to hear her consistently say Tommy I love you (for those of you that don’t know, that’s my first name).

 

He kisses her and Joey says Dreamer goes where every man has gone before which made me laugh. Dreamer actually hits a plancha as we have a priest in the front row and we keep hearing about how Justin crossed a line. That amuses me to no end. And hey, what a shock, it’s a brawl. AGAIN Joey talks about the Sandman vs. Sabu match that we can’t show. Let it be made clear: WE CANNOT SHOW IT.

 

Yeah just remember that. Dreamer hits a running dropkick to the chair while Justin is in the Tree of Woe. We get kind of a Raven spot as Dreamer gets hit with a drop toehold into a chair. Ok, Justin doesn’t deserve to be WOOED on chops. Neither does Tommy to be fair. They use a chair for about ten spots in a row because that just makes things better or whatever. Dreamer hits a DEATH VALLEY Driver (forget that Spicolli nonsense. He was a drug addict and died after taking too many drugs.

 

He’s not some saint that deserves to be canonized. Let it go already.) which Justin no sells. The spinning, which adds nothing to it that I can see, tombstone hits and here’s Beaulah. She hits Justin low and does the same to Jason before DDTing him. Nicole puts her in a bearhug which she manages to botch.

 

Bass falls out of her top as Mikey Whipwreck, who feuded with Justin but has no bearing here comes in for the save. He has a bad leg and Justin breaks a crutch over his cast before Dreamer hits a DDT for the pin.

Rating: D+. What was the point of this again? I forgot with all the chair shots and nonsensegoing on. This was just more mindless fighting that nothing actually came from. I’m not huge on that as it was just stupid. And I like Tommy.

We get the same ad from earlier for the catalogue and PPV which apparently wasn’t supposed to air then.

Now we get what was supposed to air: Bigelow vs. Taz which was because Bigelow was getting beaten up by Triple Threat so he asked Taz to be his partner to fight them. Taz gets a great line: “I’m not gonna be your partner. I’m gonna be your savior.”

 

Keep in mind that was in his shouting voice. After Taz beats up Shane and says he wants to be world champion (the match didn’t happen for almost another year) Bigelow jumps him and reveals it was all a setup to stop Taz. That makes sense I guess.

TV Title: Taz vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Remember that Bigelow is the hometown boy. I love how they announce Bigelow’s weight and Joey says a different one during the match. That always amuses me for some reason. Bigelow hits a great powerbomb. He was always great at that move. Shame Diesel was using it in WWF so Bigelow couldn’t do it. This is a long brawl but there’s some wrestling in there to balance it out I guess.

 

They hit the crowd for awhile and actually Taz gets some solid cheers. And then Bigelow gets suplexed off the ramp and to the floor and both nearly die. Because that’s clearly the big ratings draw here right? We go back to the ring and Bigelow uses power stuff which Taz gets to suplex his way out of. See, THAT is how Taz looks good: when it’s Shane or some small guy that he’s throwing around it just gets repetitive.

 

The suplexes are leverage moves and now he’s getting to show what he can do with that leverage, making it seem far more important. The tables are brought in as we just have to have those because the wrestling here clearly isn’t good enough. We brawl on the floor AGAIN as I grow to hate Heyman even more. It’s ok to just wrestle in the ring guys. The fans are really restless here as they were popping like cherries for the wrestling stuff.

 

Case in point: Taz takes a sign to the head, fans are dead/booing. They trade punches, crowd cheers. See? It’s not hard to just have wrestling. Tazmission is locked in and Bigelow drops him through the ring. They climb out and Bigelow pulls Taz up for the easy pin. It looked cool and the fans all freaked out over it, but Bigelow couldn’t win with his shoulder piledriver to give us a standard ending? I hate that.

Rating: D+. The brawling was just too much here. This match wanted so badly to be good but the brawling and the tables and the over the top nature of it just killed the stupid thing. Paul just refused to accept the idea of two good wrestlers just getting out there and wrestling and that’s what wound up killing him off in the end. Sometimes the fans just want wrestling and while Paul tried to do that, he went too far most of the time and it killed things.

Heyman runs up and says the Kronus vs. Snow is cancelled and we’re going to see Sandman vs. Sabu from before the PPV, the PPV that the censors said WE CANNOT SEE. Ok, a few questions here. Number one, there was a lot of adult stuff on PPV yet this is inappropriate? Number two, if this is such a hot feud, which it was I guess, why not have this on the PPV?

 

If they were upset that it couldn’t be shown, why would you film it and not air it? Everything else is live, so why wasn’t this? I get in something like UFC where they have the prelim fights taped in case something goes like 10 seconds. That makes sense as it’s a legit concern and if something like that does happen, they have something that they can plug in and give the fans a legit PPV.

 

However, you wouldn’t put St. Pierre in a prelim match that MIGHT make air. This whole thing with Joey constantly saying we can’t air it but there just happens to be full commentary for it anyway makes me shake my head. I guess if you think about it enough it could make sense, but you shouldn’t have to think that hard about it which is the point.

Sabu vs. Sandman

This is dueling canes. Sabu hits the ring second and gives him some fairly weak cane shots. And as Sandman takes over…Sabu runs in for the save? The first guy is RVD in disguise. That’s actually brilliant. Alfonso sends Van Dam to the back despite them destroying Sandman. That makes sense right? Anyway, this is your standard weapons/garbage match because neither can work more than two minutes without them.

 

Wait, where are the canes? I see no canes. Oh that’s right. It’s freaking ECW, meaning there’s no logic at all. It’s just Sabu beating up Sandman for about 10 minutes before Van Dam comes out to help him. There’s just nothing to talk about here at all as it’s terrible. Sabu beats up Sandman some more and the crooked ref of the week comes out to count the pin. This was awful.

Rating: F. What was the point of the canes match or whatever? What was the point of any of this actually? I just don’t get the point here at all as it wasn’t any good and it was just more mindless brawling which seems to be the theme for the show.

Back in the arena, everyone has Styrofoam Heads. Styles yells at Heyman for showing the match that the censors wanted to keep off the air. Apparently they didn’t fix the ring but the main event is happening anyway. Styles says he quits if this happens again with Paul. It’s convincing if you don’t think about it I guess.

Chris Candido/Shane Douglas vs. Lance Storm/???

Two guesses as to who Storm’s partner is given the heads out there. And the partner is Sunny, and you can see the screwjob from here. Storm and Candido do their usual thing which means its cool. Sunny comes in and we don’t have the catfight with Francine. OF COURSE Sunny makes the swerve that no one bought. The fans chant that they want Head.

 

For some reason they give Storm a mic while he’s in a camel clutch and as Candido asks what he’s going to give him, Storm says he’s going to give him head. And yep, Snow comes out. However, for no reason at all, they keep spinning the camera upside down at random intervals. It’s REALLY confusing and annoying. So after about a three minute brawl with Snow’s music playing and Shane falling through the hole in the ring, Snow gets the pin with a Snow Plow. The celebration ends the show.

Rating: N/A. This was way too short and way too over the top to grade. With the camera spinning and the lights going out I couldn’t really keep track of it. Seriously though, this was the main event: a four minute brawl that ends with a quick pin. That sums up everything to me.

Overall Rating: D. There was one title match and a 4 minute main event. How in the heck does this validate a PPV show? This show had the skeleton of a good show there, but it just failed to deliver one. To be fair though, I think it’s because of Heyman more than anything else.

 

He just can’t let things stay the way they should be and it’s killing him. There just doesn’t need to be a chair or a big angle all the time and it weakened the show badly here. I wanted to like this show but I just couldn’t do it. They tried but they were running with an anchor. Only for ECW fans.

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