With just six days to go until Extreme Rules, WWE has a long way to go to get me interested in the show. It isn’t likely helping that they’re just back from the big European tour and are likely to be jetlagged half to death. The big story is likely to be more build between Rollins and Orton, who are loading up for a pretty lackluster title match. Oh and Kane because of reasons I don’t understand.

Orton opened the show in a cage, promising to hurt Seth this Sunday and take the title. Rollins and the Stooges came out and told him to get this out of his system now because it won’t work on Sunday. This sounds appealing to Randy, who promises RKO’s all night.

I really, really didn’t care for this segment as it’s more of the old standard walking you through everything they’re doing that night instead of doing anything that feels organic or natural. Why do they have to tell us everything they’re going to do instead of SHOWING US everything they want to do? Just have Orton start RKOing everyone backstage and let the fans go “oh that was cool” instead of sitting around waiting for it. Not a fan here but this story isn’t exactly one that inspires intellectual stimulation.

Ambrose and Harper had a quick non-match to set up their street fight on Sunday. These two could have an entertaining brawl if they’re allowed to just go nuts.

The Prime Time Players continued their recent awesome run by scaring the daylights out of Rollins and the Stooges, who are terrified of Orton attacking them. HHH popped up and laughed off their worries, as well as mentioned Kane because that’s the big story around here.

New Day, now fully heel, cheated to earn a title shot on Sunday over the Lucha Dragons via countout. Notice that they didn’t just have the Dragons get pinned here to kill their momentum. Instead, the faces (or faceless ones actually) lose because the heels cheated, keeping them strong and making the heels look like cheaters. That’s common sense booking and hopefully something that we see more often.

Orton came out and RKO’ed Kingston (with a botch as Kofi wasn’t ready to be thrown into the air, which looked really bad. He’s done) and Woods. This would be more of the theme that they made VERY CLEAR earlier in the night in case you were too stupid to figure out that Orton is RKOing everyone he can on a path to Rollins. That’s a bit too complicated for wrestling fans I suppose.

Fandango beat Curtis Axel in the weekly filler.

HHH announced the return of Tough Enough and most people didn’t seem to care. Could it be because outside of John Morrison, the most successful winner had a career highlight of eliminating Undertaker from the Royal Rumble and having the most amazing eyebrows in the history of wrestling?

Anyway the REAL story here was Kane coming out and tried to quit his job as Director of Operations because he’s tired of Rollins disrespecting him. Rollins came out and argued a lot as this story just won’t die already. HHH made them shake hands after Kane said the Rollins was just in the right place at the right time and anyone could have been made champion in his place. They kept arguing after a break and Rollins vs. Ziggler was made for later tonight.

Then the Bellas decided they were good now and Nikki shouted COME ON BRIE about 100 times to show off her new found goodness as Brie lost to Naomi. This would be the polar opposite of the “here’s what we’re going to do” booking as instead of showing you every step, they’re just at the end already without any real reason.

Think about it. The Bellas went from being full on villains to halfway down the spectrum in a week and for what? Mainly because WWE screwed up and turned almost the entire Divas division heel. I know I get on the Bellas quite a bit (which I still say they deserve a huge amount of) but the direction of their characters and sudden drastic changes to their characters have been some of the most jarring and worst ideas I have ever seen in wrestling. That being said, they don’t do themselves any favors with their average at best matches and BRIE MODE/COME ON BRIE!

Randy Orton RKOed Heath Slater into his salad. See, THIS is the kind of surprise moment they should have been going with all night instead of telling us the idea.

Roman Reigns wanted Big Show but got Bo Dallas. Superman Punches, spears and Reigns saying Bo-lieve that abounded in a fun little segment.

Sheamus massacred Zack Ryder until Dolph Ziggler came in for the save. This was fine to get the point across.

Cena issued the open challenge and had a horrible match with Kane to retain the title. Here’s a sign of Cena’s greatness: he has bad matches with Kane and Big Show, but name someone else he doesn’t bring up to a higher level. If there are only two people in his career where it doesn’t work, he’s roughly 100 steps above most other talent. Rusev would attack Cena later in the night to set up the title match Sunday.

Bray Wyatt talked about how his new target can’t lift his way out of this one. That makes me think Ryback, which could be a nice surprise or a disaster, though they’ve been treating Ryback like a monster again, which is certainly a good thing.

Miz beat Mizdow in less than three minutes when Summer Rae turned on Mizdow in one of the most obvious heel turns this side of Big Show turn #1894. So to recap, Mizdow takes forever to turn on Miz, loses the battle royal to Big Show after getting really close, then loses two out of the three matches to Miz. Why do I even bother getting behind someone when their big goal is to build someone up to sacrifice them on the altar of WWE Studios? Miz got an RKO to emphasize that the entire Miz vs. Mizdow story meant nothing.

Ryback mauled Adam Rose and then beat up a hot dog and banana.

Kane and Rollins bickered some more with Rollins offering an apology.

Rollins vs. Ziggler was every Rollins vs. Ziggler match you’ve ever seen. The cage lowered post match so Rollins could hide from Kane. If you don’t know what was waiting for him when he turned around to end the show, you haven’t been paying close enough attention.

Raw really wasn’t very good this week and so much of it revolves around how lame the main stories have been. Kane was the focal point of the show this week with this never ending argument with Rollins, which seems destined to result in Kane screwing Orton over on Sunday and the Authority revealing it was all a huge swerve that we never saw coming. The wrestling was nothing to see this week either and it made for a really weak three hours. Extreme Rules and these rematches need to be gone soon, as does Kane’s never ending main event run. He just isn’t interesting and it’s killing the rest of the card.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: April 20, 2015
Location: Times Union Center, Albany, New York
Commentators: Booker T., John Bradshaw Layfield, Michael Cole

We’re six days away from Extreme Rules and the card is all set. The main event will be Seth Rollins’ first title defense as he takes on Randy Orton in a cage match with the RKO banned for Orton. As for tonight, one of the major stories will be Kane’s continuing issues with the Authority, as the monster has been having issues with his bosses in the last few weeks. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Orton and Rollins earning the right to pick stipulations for the title match on last week’s show.

Here’s Randy Orton as a cage is lowered. He thinks Rollins screwed up with his choice because the RKO isn’t his greatest weapon. Orton’s best weapon is the ability to hurt people in any way that he possibly can. This Sunday, he’s going to break Rollins’ jaw so he can’t run his mouth anymore. Then he’s going to stomp Seth’s ribs until they break. After that, Rollins is going to be sent into the cage so many times that every bone in his body hurts. Then and only then will Orton leave the cage as the new WWE Champion.

Cue Rollins and the Stooges with what sounds like some new music. He talks about Orton having anger issues but Randy cuts him off and says that his issues are with Seth Rollins. Seth laughs it off and says he plays this game of human chess better than anyone because he can outmaneuver anyone inside that ring. He’s the best at everything here and just that much better than Orton. Seth tells him to get it out of his system and Orton thinks that’s a good idea. After this segment is over, he’s going to go backstage and RKO everyone he can find, including Rollins himself.

Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper

You would think they would save this for Sunday. Harper actually talks on the way to the ring, saying Ambrose will fear him after tonight. The brawl is on fast to start with Harper getting caught in a bulldog, only to superkick Dean down and hammer him in the back of the head. Dean takes him outside and sends Harper into the apron and announcers’ table, only to be tossed over the barricade and into the crowd. They keep fighting up the ramp and the match has been thrown out at somewhere around 2:00.

Harper loads up a powerbomb off the stage but Dean escapes and sends Harper running.

Orton and the Stooges are checking for Orton around every corner when the Prime Time Players sneak up and do the dog bark to scare them out of their wits in a funny bit. O’Neil and Noble have a quick exchange with Noble being called a Smurf before Rollins yells at a production guy. They run into HHH who says he’s been hearing from Kane as he’s been preparing for Tough Enough. Kane will be here later and Rollins requests some more security. HHH says Orton is just one guy and leaves.

Lucha Dragons vs. New Day

#1 contenders match. Kofi and Cara get things going with Woods on the floor as usual. Both guys tag before anything happens and grabs Kalisto, who tries every spin he can but eventually settles for a kick to the head. A headscissors works a bit better and it’s quickly off to Cara for a springboard forearm to the head for two. It’s quickly back to Kofi vs. Cara and they actually do something this time with Cara armdragging Kingston but getting sent to the floor for a baseball slide to take over.

Back to Big E. who runs Cara over as we take a break. We come back to see Kofi dropkicking Cara in the face before handing it off to Big E. for some clubbing shots to the face. Cara dives over Big E. and makes the tag to Kalisto to clean house, including the headscissor driver to Kofi for two. Kofi gets backdropped to the floor, setting up stereo moonsaults to take New Day down again. Everyone tries to get back in but Woods holds Cara’s foot to send New Day to Extreme Rules via countout at 9:34.

Rating: B-. This really got going at the end and Woods interfering was the right idea. It’s going to be interesting to see heel vs. heel on Sunday but the match should be entertaining. Good stuff here though and a good showcase for the Dragons, who only lose due to the interference and the numbers game.

Post match Orton comes in and RKOs Woods and Kingston (with a slight botch as Kofi wasn’t ready to be thrown into the air, so there goes his push again). Big E. runs away instead.

We recap Rusev attacking Cena to set up the Russian Chain match on Sunday.

Recap of Big Show attacking Reigns last week on Raw and his speech on Thursday to set up the Last Man Standing match on Sunday. Maybe their solution to the ratings issue is to have Big Show put everyone to sleep so they can’t change the channel.

Fandango vs. Curtis Axel

Speaking of don’t change the channel. Axel dances a bit to start but takes too long tearing off the shirt, allowing Fandango to roll him up for two. A Falcon Arrow plants Curtis and the Last Dance is good for the pin at 1:16.

Here’s HHH to talk about the return of Tough Enough. A year ago, the Authority was at a crossroads. They needed to find that one man to carry the company for the next ten years and they found that man in Seth Rollins. Now it’s time to find the next Seth Rollins. That search will begin right here on USA with the return of Tough Enough on June 23. Who hasn’t dreamed of walking down the ramp in front of 76,000 people with the WWE Championship hanging above your head? Right now is your chance to fulfill that dream and you can do that on Tough Enough.

HHH walks us through the application process but gets cut off by Kane. “You’re a little bit seasoned for Tough Enough.” Kane asks why HHH hasn’t responded to the voicemails, texts and emails but HHH says he’s just been letting Kane cool down. It’s been an honor to be Director of Operations, but Kane can’t deal with the disrespect of Seth Rollins so this is his official two weeks’ notice. HHH tries to talk him down but here are Rollins and the Stooges to interrupt. Kane and Rollins start arguing again despite HHH telling them to cool it.

Kane shouts that Rollins is only champion because the Authority decided he was going to be. Would it have been different if they had recruited Dean Ambrose or El Torito? That’s finally enough for HHH (a big Torito fan I guess) who makes Kane guardian of the cage door on Sunday. Seth isn’t cool with this but HHH says the two of them need to get along. A tense handshake ends things.

We recap Paige winning the Divas battle royal but getting attacked by Naomi after the win.

Kane and Rollins are already arguing in the back but HHH comes up and says Kane has lost the hellfire and brimstone. Kane is going to prove him wrong tonight. Rollins smirks a bit but HHH rips him apart, saying the title doesn’t make him the man. Therefore, tonight it’s Rollins vs. Ziggler with Rollins getting to prove himself. Rollins likes the idea, despite almost cowering before HHH.

Naomi vs. Brie Bella

No dancing this week. Naomi’s inset interview talks about how many times she’s had to beat a Bella to get her shot but constantly being told to wait her turn. Nikki sits in on commentary and talks about still being champion as Naomi slides across the mat and kicks Brie in the face. Naomi nips out of a headscissors and Nikki says she’ll fight anyone anytime. Some kicks to the ribs sent Brie to the floor and the show to a break.

Back with Naomi holding a front facelock and slowly stomping Brie around the ring. We hit a chinlock before a double clothesline puts both girls down. Brie fights up and does a face comeback with a middle rope dropkick getting two. Naomi misses a high cross body but hits the Rear View for the pin at 10:01.

Rating: D. They’re turning the Bellas face aren’t they? After all the nonsense we’ve had to put up with from them over the last year and most of the roster wrestling circles around them, now we’re supposed to cheer for them for reasons that have yet to be explained and likely never will be explained. But they’re STARS so that’s what matters right?

Heath Slater tells Erick Rowan that he’s accepting the open challenge for the US Title tonight. Rowan walks away and Slater is RKOed through his salad. Orton even eats some lettuce.

Here’s Roman Reigns to address what happened last week. He wants to fight right now so get out here Big Show. Instead he gets Bo Dallas, who quotes Yoda from Star Wars Episode I, saying that hate leads to suffering. Reigns is suffering after losing at Wrestlemania and is kind of a bust. Despite being Captain Kevlar, Reigns is the Tim Tebow of the WWE: constantly getting chances and screwing up every time. The Superman Punch and spear destroy Dallas as you would expect. Reigns is going to take Big Show out on Sunday, and you can bo-lieve that. I forgot how much I liked Dallas.

Sheamus vs. Zack Ryder

Sheamus says ring the bell and kicks Ryder in the face at three seconds. He slowly turns him over and says that’s too easy. Ryder deserves more than a five second match so Sheamus slowly beats him up in the corner while talking trash on the mic about how the people in this crowd don’t belong in his ring.

That’s a good idea actually as he throws Ryder to the floor and keeps talking about how he’s the real superstar. There’s another Brogue Kick on the floor and Sheamus asks about the New York fighting spirit. He loads up another Brogue Kick but Ziggler runs in for a Zig Zag to send Sheamus running. It’s a DQ win for Sheamus at 3:14 despite the lack of a bell. No rating for obvious reasons.

There’s going to be another live Talk Is Jericho on April 30. The guest: Stephanie McMahon. Just in case you thought the Cena interview was WAY too company friendly.

Here’s Cena for the Open Challenge but first he needs to explain the rules of the Russian Chain match on Sunday. He’ll never give up you see. Rusev is trying to kill the fighting spirit of America but Cena is going to get back up every time he gets knocked down. This Sunday, he’s getting his hand raised and dropping the American flag to prove that Wrestlemania was a statement. As for tonight, someone can come get some but know it’s going to be against a Cena who is ready to fight.

US Title: John Cena vs. Kane

Kane throws Cena around to start and hits the VINTAGE side slam. He kicks Cena to the floor for a nine count and slowly stomps away back inside. Kane follows up the slow stomping with a slow uppercut for two and an elbow gets the same. Cena finally comes back with the ProtoBomb but as is his custom, Kane grabs him by the throat as Cena loads up the Shuffle. Chokeslam gets two but Cena counters the tombstone into the AA for the pin at 6:18. Rollins and the Stooges chuckle in the back.

Rating: D. I’ve seen sparklers with more fire than Kane was showing here. This was five and a half minutes of slow punching before they did the finishing sequence. It doesn’t help that Kane is one of the few people that can bring Cena down to a level that almost no one else can. Bad match here and hopefully the last time they use the open challenge for another story.

Bray Wyatt asks if people want money, power or respect. Most of the time it’s everything, just like whomever he’s talking about. That person can lift all the weights in the world, but he can never lift the weight of his personal failures. After that moment, he’ll see Bray’s face looking own at him. At that moment, the person will learn that everything he has done has been for nothing. Behold the new face of fear.

Post break Kane walks past HHH and snarls.

Miz says the only thing that matters is his new movie and the fact that he did it without a stunt double. Renee cuts him off and says we need to go to John Cena.

Cena was surprised by Kane answering the challenge but says the champ will be here on Sunday. Rusev jumps him with the chain and puts him in the Accolade with the chain around Cena’s face.

Miz vs. Damien Mizdow

The winner gets the Miz brand and Summer Rae is with Mizdow. Mizdow goes for the rollup early on but Miz gets away just in time. Cole talks about someone saying the Miz brand is useless. He doesn’t disagree with the statement of course and just keeps going with the commentary.

Miz gets two off a small package and stomps away in the corner to take over. Mizdow comes back with the Reality Check and a discus clothesline in the corner. The low DDT gets two on Miz but neither guy can hit the Skull Crushing Finale. Summer rakes Mizdow’s eyes, setting up the Skull Crushing Finale from Miz for the pin at 2:47.

Miz loads up his catchphrase but eats an RKO. JBL: “He wouldn’t do that to Brad Pitt!” Booker: “He’d do it to Lorenzo Lamas!”

We run down the Extreme Rules card. Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett is subject to Bryan’s health. Also added is Ambrose vs. Harper in a street fight.

Bray Wyatt asks if people want money, power or respect. Most of the time it’s everything, just like whomever he’s talking about. That person can lift all the weights in the world, but he can never lift the weight of his personal failures. After that moment, he’ll see Bray’s face looking own at him. At that moment, the person will learn that everything he has done has been for nothing. Behold the new face of fear.

Adam Rose vs. Ryback

Rose gets in some shots before Ryback’s two move combination ends this at 1:30.

The hot dog and the banana attack Ryback post match so it’s a double Shell Shock. Ryback: “What did the banana say to the hot dog? Nothing because they just got Shell Shocked!”

Renee Young reads Kane some Tweets from Rollins and the Stooges about Kane being old. Kane goes into the Authority’s locker room and Seth actually says he’s sorry because that was supposed to be a private conversation. The Orton thing has him out of sorts so he’s going to dedicate the match with Ziggler to Kane. The camera follows Rollins and the Stooges out. Orton is watching them.

Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler

Non-title. Rollins hammers away to start but Ziggler grabs his neckbreaker and drops the big elbow for two. A Cactus Clothesline puts both guys on the floor but Ziggler quickly throws him back inside for a suplex. Rollins catapults him into the buckle as we take a break. Back with Rollins slamming Ziggler’s head onto the mat and stomping even more.

We hit the chinlock for a few moments before Dolph comes back with the running DDT for two. Rollins gets the same off an enziguri but the Buckle Bomb is countered into a sunset flip. Ziggler hits a sweet superkick for two more but Sheamus comes out for a distraction, allowing Rollins to hit the Buckle Bomb and a snap front DDT (think Christian’s layout reverse DDT but with Dolph facing down) for the pin at 10:35.

Rating: B-. Sheamus interfering made sense but I REALLY hope that isn’t the replacement for the Curb Stomp (which has apparently been banned due to the danger of head injuries). Ziggler is a good opponent for someone like Rollins as a loss to the champ doesn’t hurt anyone and he can make Rollins look good in the process. Good match here but they never hit a higher gear.

Post match HHH comes out and cuts on Rollins’ bragging. Seth takes the mic away and keeps talking about how he’s going to take care of Orton this Sunday. As for Kane, HHH needs to stop……something but an angry Kane cuts him off. Rollins asks the cage to be lowered and of course Orton is inside. Seth tries to run but gets pulled off the top into an RKO to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. This show did its job of setting up Extreme Rules, but it doesn’t help that Extreme Rules isn’t the best looking show in the world. What is there on that show that I should be looking forward to? I’ll say this though: I thought the same thing going into Wrestlemania this year and was blown away so maybe they can nail it twice in a row. Tonight’s show wasn’t terrible but it really didn’t have much to keep me interested. Too many short matches or matches that build uninteresting angles. Hopefully Sunday is stronger, as this wasn’t the best show in the world, but the post Europe show rarely works.

Results

Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper went to a no contest

New Day b. Lucha Dragons via countout

Fandango b. Curtis Axel – Last Dance

Naomi b. Brie Bella – Rear View

Sheamus b. Zack Ryder via DQ when Dolph Ziggler interfered

John Cena b. Kane – Attitude Adjustment

Miz b. Damien Mizdow – Skull Crushing Finale

Ryback b. Adam Rose – Shell Shock

Seth Rollins b. Dolph Ziggler – Falling DDT

So yeah this one is kind of late but it’s been a very hectic week and reviewing a show that didn’t do too much for me in the first place wasn’t really high on my priority list. We’re past the Wrestlemania season now and things are about to settle way back down. It’s now the Wrestlemania rematch season though and that can be a rough go. Let’s get to it.

The opening was, of course, the Authority but thankfully without HHH and Stephanie, who are on vacation for the next few weeks. After a few unintentional shots at Kane for not doing much at Wrestlemania, Rollins bragged about how great he was. Well he’s certainly getting into the heel champion schtick already. Orton came out, said his usual stuff, and was put into a triple threat for the #1 contendership against Ryback and Reigns. All three will have singles matches first though.

Before we get to the first match, there’s something that needs to be noted here: Rollins is VERY lucky that the Authority hasn’t been on Raw for the last two weeks (if you count the week after this show). If they’re on the show with him and associated with him, they’re going to dominate whatever scene they’re in because Raw is completely centered around the two of them (and by the two of them I mean Stephanie because we all know this is her company). Let Rollins have some spotlight as the new champion, at least until the bosses get back.

I’ll sum up the three matches here: Orton beat Kane in a short match via DQ, Ryback beat Luke Harper in an even shorter match with only one big move, and Reigns pinned Big Show because what else would he be doing? None of these were anything worth seeing, but they certainly did help fill in time on the show. What else were they going to do? Give the Divas a chance out there?

Neville’s second match on Raw was against Seth Rollins. Of course Rollins won, but I’ve actually seen people saying Neville is being buried. Let me make sure I’ve got this straight: Curtis Axel, Seth Rollins, Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus this Thursday. In his five TV matches on the main roster, the lowest level guy he’s fought is a former Intercontinental and Tag Team Champion. That’s one of the best groups of opponents I’ve ever seen someone start against.

This week’s open challenge for the US Title was answered by Stardust. That’s exactly what this thing should be used for: giving someone like Stardust, who isn’t going anywhere at this point, a good match and something interesting to do for one night. When else is he getting a title shot or a match with Cena? Stardust loses to a guy he’s supposed to lose to, Cena beats a guy he’s supposed to beat and we get a title defense in a good match. Everyone wins, except the fans that don’t get how common sense and logic work.

Naomi pinned Nikki again in a tag match with Paige joining her against the Bellas. This was a horrible match with Naomi botching a ton of stuff and the Bellas proving every criticism of them right: they have no flow in the ring, they have limited charisma, their work is ok at best and there’s nothing interesting to them. But that’s what we’re getting in the Divas division because what else could we ever get?

The Prime Time Players kept making fun of other tag teams. This is more interesting than anything else they’ve ever done so run with that thing.

The New Day doesn’t like the fans booing them because their clapping gives them strength. This was another chance for Big E. to show off his comedic chops as he imitated a young kid. Why they use him like they do when they clearly know about his other talents is beyond me. Then the Lucha Dragons beat them in a short match because New Day sucks.

A bunch of Divas came up to Kane and asked for a #1 contenders battle royal next week. Of all the things they can set up in advance, it’s a DIVAS BATTLE ROYAL???

Sheamus came out and explained that he’s acting this way because he’s tired of the little guys getting pushed. He’d fight anyone his size, and then he beat Mark Henry in about two and a half minutes. Another hometown boy bites the dust.

Bray Wyatt has a new target. Let me know when he actually beats one of these targets.

Miz cheated to beat Mizdow. You can pencil in Mizdow beating Miz with the same move next week.

Orton won the triple threat to go to Extreme Rules in a quick but decent match with the Authority interfering as much as you would expect them to.

This was resetting things for Raw and there wasn’t a lot to see on it. There’s enough good on it to make the show work, but this was about setting up things for later on instead of getting things done tonight. It wasn’t anything to see though and that makes for a dull show instead of a bad one, which often times makes for a worse show. Not much to say here, which you can probably tell.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Is to show that the WWE is burying EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF ITS ROSTER!Adam Rose – Stuck in a comedy tag team and they didn’t care enough about the Bunny storyline to follow up. It’s burial time, all the time.

Bad News Barrett – Reduced to a glorified commentator. Why would I care about someone like him? Bad News for you dude: You’re buried.

Big E. – Sent into a horrible team that no one cares about after being in a six man tag team match last year at the Raw after Wrestlemania where the fans booed him. Oh and he’s black so he’s never going anywhere. Don’t sweat it Big E. You’re just being buried.

Big Show – Look what happened to Cesaro after he won the battle royal last year. He’s clearly going to get buried. Oh and he didn’t get a pin the next night. We’re going to need a big box to bury a guy this big, but rest assured, he shall be buried.

Bo Dallas – He was eliminated by an NXT guy. He’s not even good enough to be buried by the major league guy. Dallas is far enough down that he’s being developmentally buried.

Bray Wyatt – Look at all those pay per view losses. He hasn’t won a single match on pay per view THIS YEAR. All he got on a pay per view was an interview where he ripped off another guy’s entrance. Follow the buzzards to his buried body.

Brock Lesnar – Do I even need to explain this one? Lost the title and HASN’T DONE A THING SINCE! Now he’s suspended and won’t get his revenge. People are going to forget about him and he’ll lose his heat. The next big burial indeed.

The Bunny – See Rose. They didn’t care enough about him to even unmask him as Darren Young. And I know that’s where it was going because I read it on a dirt sheet and they never make stuff up. I hope he can hop out of that grave he’s been buried in.

Cesaro – A TAG TEAM CHAMPION? Well, he’s screwed. He was so bad they stuck him on the pre-show. TWICE! What’s the Swiss word for buried?

Curtis Axel – Had to sell for Hulk Hogan and a celebrity with the 2.4 inch Pythons. Can we get a clock on how long he’s been buried for?

Damien Mizdow – Geez man. How can someone allegedly so smart (like I’m smart. I read wrestling news on the internet bro.) not come up with something better than just copying someone else? He’s totally ripping off Buddy Landell with Ric Flair from the 80s. Maybe he can get a stunt double when they throw him in the grave.

Daniel Bryan – Yeah he won the Intercontinental Title but he lost in his first non-title match by countout due to interference. NO! He doesn’t have any hope and YES! He is being buried. It’s so clear that you would have to be a goat faced moron to not see it.

Darren Young – They put him in a gimmick where he makes fun of people and shills old shirts. He’s like the black Charlie Haas. Oh and he’s black and therefore buried. Total racism.

Dean Ambrose – He lost both of his pay per view main events late last year, only got into the final five of the Rumble and then lost his Wrestlemania title match. Then Cena beat him in the US Title match the next night on Raw. There’s no hope for his future, but maybe he warm himself with all the memories of how people TOTALLY said he would be the star of the Shield.

Diego – He was replaced by a short guy named Kalisto as the resident luchador and he’s second fiddle to a guy in a bull suit. Either way, bury the dude. Just make sure it’s Diego instead of Fernando. Actually never mind as they’re the same person.

Dolph Ziggler – Where do I even start? He hasn’t won a thing since he won the World Title because that was Cena’s win at Survivor Series and he couldn’t even mean anything because STING won’t get out of his way. Then he jobbed to Luke Harper because this company has a thing for beards. Maybe he can show off the shovel used to bury him.

Erick Rowan – When has he actually won something recently? He’s just a big version of Daniel Bryan anyway. Maybe he can avoid being buried by pretending to be a sheep or something.

Fandango – When the feature of your act is the dancing chick who has never won a singles match in like five years, you’re just the new and improved version of the same buried Fandango.

Fernando – He was replaced by a short guy named Sin Cara as the resident luchador and he’s second fiddle to a guy in a bull suit. Either way, bury the dude. Just make sure it’s Fernando instead of Diego. Actually never mind as they’re the same person.

Goldust – WWE cares about him so much that he wins a match and lost all of his heat due to a post match attack. Then he got crushed by Rusev after Raw to complete the burial.

Heath Slater – They hate this guy so much that they go from a 3 Count knockoff to making him look like Apollo Creed. Even Drew McIntyre in TNA is getting pushed harder than this guy. I wonder if the guy burying him needed two helpers so it could be a THREE MAN BURIAL?

Jack Swagger – He’s lost to Rusev six times in less than a year. That’s like Zack Ryder territory and we all know he’s been buried.

Jey Uso/Jimmy Uso – Let’s combine this one into one. They can’t even beat Los Matadores and they’re only there to push Total Divas “star” Naomi. It doesn’t help that they’re just a placeholder tag team and haven’t done anything since they dropped the tag belts. Siva Tao your ways into the burial positions guys.

John Cena – This guy is the KING of burials. How do you go from the main event of Wrestlemania two years ago to basically being the TV Champion and fighting guys like Dean “I used to be a big deal when I said NOPE that one time!” Ambrose and Star “Please think of Mockingjay when you see me and forget that I’m jobbing to old guys” Dust. How could they put this guy over Rusev? He’s even using more than five moves to make you think he knows more than five moves! How can you trust this guy??? You won’t be able to see him now that he’s been buried.

Kalisto – He’s just there to make people forget about Rey Mysterio. Flip youself into the line for being buried and LEARN SOME ENGLISH. Clearly people hate him because he’s Hispanic right?

Kane – PUT THE MASK BACK ON! You were totally cool back then when you were the old dude in the mask instead of the old dude in the dress pants. Now you’re just getting speared and pinned all the time by a guy with no heat like Roman Reigns. I would say you’re buried but you’re way too old to belong in the ground anymore.

Kofi Kingston – Just a jumping guy. He’s black though and in that trio of losers so we’ll have him jump into the grave.

Konnor – They’re just using him to cash in on the Crusher stuff from last year. Why else would you name someone Konnor? Thankfully the WWE has clearly seen that there’s no future for he and Viktor and they’re burying them accordingly.

Luke Harper – When your only gimmick is you have a dirty shirt, you’re clearly being buried. GO BACK TO BRAY’S SIDE YOU FREAKY LOOKING LOSER!

Mark Henry – They brought him back to put over Roman Reigns and Sheamus? There’s no future in being a jobber to the stars and if you need any more proof, they put him in a battle royal a few weeks back. AND LET HIM WIN IT! Of course on top of that, he’s black and all black people are buried in WWE. Because they’re black and WWE is racist.

The Miz – An actor gimmick? That’s the best they can do? Then they keep giving him movie roles and have him lose to a guy most famous for imitating Miz and wearing Lanny Poffo’s thrown out trunks? I hope we can have quiet at the cemetery when they officially bury him, but they did that when they made him play third fiddle when he kept the title at Wrestlemania a few years back. If you want further proof, they gave him a Tag Team Title a few months ago. How can you possibly believe that he’s not being buried?

Neville – Losing to the World Champion in his SECOND MATCH on the main roster? Do I even need to explain why that’s a burial?

R-Truth – Just there for comedy and there’s that whole black guys don’t get pushed. Buried! That’s what’s up!

Randy Orton – You think Cena sucks because he only knows five moves? RKO, backbreaker, elevated DDT, right hand, I’m waiting for the fifth move. We’ll call that a BURIAL OUT OF NOWHERE!

The Rock – He came back for five Wrestlemanias and can only get TALKING SEGMENTS??? That’s the ultimate sign of being put out of pasture. Get out of the ring and just let Ronda Rousey show you how REAL WRESTLING is done you actor. So not only is he being buried in talking segments year after year, at the same time he’s burying people who really deserve the time. Do you have any idea how hard it is to bury people and be buried at the same time??? I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT!!!

Roman Reigns – Totally choked in the biggest match ever and then got stuck in a meaningless six man the next night as Orton’s partner. He’s just Cena with a tan anyway and we’ve already established that Cena is being buried, so Reigns is being buried with a tan and stupid looking tattoos.

Rusev – No one cares about him unless Lana and the tank are there. Plus he lost his big title match so he’s clearly being buried.

Ryback – Can they pick a gimmick with this guy? Not that it matters because each one leads to him being buried. First he was a monster and then A FREAKING REFEREE costs him the title match? Buried. Then he’s a heel who goes to a draw against Cena in his main events. Buried. Then he’s a bully and that doesn’t sound like being a star, meaning he’s not in the sky. You know where that leaves him right? Buried. In the ground. Now he’s back to the beginning as a monster, which is clearly just leading to him being buried all over again.

Seth Rollins – Yeah he’s the Undisputed WWE World Heavyweight Champion, but they’re clearly doing nothing with him. He had to sell for a rookie and needs comedy goons to save him all the time. Curb stomp him into the grave and put him out of his misery before he has a rematch for the title in the main event of the pay per view.

Sheamus – Comes back from being a four time World Champion and they turn him heel? That’s what you do when you have nothing left to do with someone so his days are numbered. Plus he couldn’t even beat a vanilla midget like Bryan without help so he’s done. Buried.

Sin Cara – A masked tag match? What happened to being the most popular guy in Mexico? Leave the mask on to hide your face you buried loser.

Stardust – He’s lost two title shots in eight days and is there as a movie tie-in character to some girly movie like Thirsty Games or whatever it’s called. Buried and buried bad.

Sting – Well he’s never won a match so he’s already behind Barry Horowitz. How do you get more buried than that?

Titus O’Neil – I’m tired so we’ll stick with he’s black and therefore buried. He’s even in a black tag team so it’s even worse. Buried again.

Triple H – This guy invented being buried! Getting thrown around by a celebrity? That’s even worse than when he got slapped around by an actor back in 2000. When is the last time he won a World Title anyway? Now he’s beating up old WCW rejects like Sting, which means he’s just fighting jobbers. There’s no point to having him around anymore so we’ll say he’s buried.

Tyson Kidd – Yeah he’s got a belt, but it’s the same one he had a few years ago and now he’s pitching Burger King ads while wearing lame headphones and showing off his love for his cats? That’s the best they’ve got for him? Oh yeah he’s buried.

Undertaker – The guy has lost how many BURIED alive matches? He’s literally been buried multiple times so I think you get the point here.

Viktor – He got beaten up by the APA and DX. How does he not understand that he’s being buried?

Xavier Woods – The leader of the trio of black losers. Still means he’s being buried though. Yeah he wants to work with children and is working on his PH.D, but can he win a match? Until we know he can, he can defend his dissertation after getting out of that dirt from when they buried him.

Zack Ryder – Do I even need to explain this one? He’s had like four matches with Rusev that add up to less than five minutes. And to think a guy like Rock talked (Like I said, he only does talking segments!) so highly of him after the main event of Survivor Series 2012.

All Divas but the Bellas are of course being buried so we’ll put them in a big group.

Bella Twins – They’re just there because of a reality show with ratings that keep falling. They may be “stars” there but here they’re just propping up tombstones. I mean, they lost at Wrestlemania and weren’t even important enough to defend their title. Yeah they’re both champion. The name graphics said so and even if it might have been a slip up, it’s how I interpreted it so therefore it’s true.

Finally, some other people they have on screen.

El Torito – They can’t decide if he’s a man or a bull. If they don’t care enough, they’re buried him already.

Hornswoggle – Well they gave him a movie so he wouldn’t be on screen. Sounds like a burial to me.

The Stooges – How many finishers do they keep taking? I don’t remember two J’s being in the word buried, but maybe I just missed it.

Lana – She gets a dead end foreigner gimmick and isn’t even on Total Divas. Bury her and her legs.

Paul Heyman – How many times can he say the same thing over and over again? He’s nothing without Lesnar so just like ECW,’s he’s dead and buried.

Stephanie McMahon – She got beaten up by Ronda Rousey (I know her of course, because I pay for the Wrestling Observer Newsletter for my MMA news and that makes me a REAL fan) on the biggest night of the year. Yeah she beat a Bella. Freaking woop. Bury her with the rest of the McMahon Family so we can get a good boss in there. Is Sapolsky available?

William Regal – They already buried him. I mean, he’s the third NXT boss in like two years. How much could they possibly care about him?

Zeb Colter – How does this guy have a job? All he does is talk and claims an injury after he FINALLY took a bump. Bury him next to Swagger and Cesaro.

SEE? WWE BURIES EVERYONE ON THE ROSTER! I JUST PROVED IT!!!

Oh and I got this list off the WWE Roster Wikipedia page. Bury that too since it hasn’t done anything for me since I started writing this list.

Monday Night Raw
Date: April 6, 2015
Location: Frank Erwin Center, Austin, Texas
Commentators: Byron Saxton, Booker T., John Bradshaw Layfield

It’s back to the regular style shows this week with Wrestlemania season wrapped up. The big story coming out of last week was Brock Lesnar’s suspension, meaning we’re not likely to see him again for a few months. In the meantime, we have Randy Orton challenging for the World Title at Extreme Rules, which is likely the focus of tonight’s show. We also find out who is answering this week’s open challenge for the US Title. Let’s get to it.

Saxton is in for Cole on commentary.

We look at some stills of HHH vs. Sting.

The Authority is in the ring minus HHH and Stephanie. Rollins is booed out of the building but Big Show says the champion is trying to talk. Seth says the Authority is on vacation tonight before bragging about the attendance record, the number of people watching and the number of times they trended worldwide. That last part sounded so stupid. HHH put the final nail in WCW’s coffin because the Authority always win. Big Show is officially the best giant of all time and Kane…..well Kane was there too!

Show says everyone on this roster is under his shadow but the important thing is Wrestlemania ended with a new, honorable champion. Rollins again fails at coming up with something Kane did at Wrestlemania but before Kane can give his answer, here’s Randy Orton to interrupt. Randy congratulates him on having his Wrestlemania moment. Of course it happened after a huge RKO took him out earlier in the night.

Rollins calls that complaining but Orton says he wants another shot, this time for the title. I’m pretty sure that match was already confirmed on Smackdown, or at least heavily implied. Orton asks Kane for the shot, and even asks if Kane needs to call mommy and daddy for permission. Kane demands respect and makes a three way match for the #1 contendership tonight between Orton, Reigns and Ryback. As usual, I had that typed before Kane even started because WWE is that predictable these days. However, Kane mixes things up a bit by saying all three of them have to compete in singles matches first.

Kane vs. Randy Orton

Randy gets to the middle rope to start and drives in some forearms to the chest, only to get caught by an uppercut to knock him to the floor. Back from a break with Kane stomping away but getting caught in the elevated DDT. They head outside with Orton nailing a clothesline, only to take a chair to the ribs for the DQ at 6:58. Not enough shown to rate but it was just a way to get to the storyline ending.

Post match Kane tries a chokeslam on the chair but Orton counters into an RKO attempt, sending Kane running.

The announcers bring up AJ retiring and show a tweet of her boots.

Brad Maddox is in Kane’s office when Rollins comes in to yell at Kane. The priority is to protect Rollins, but for some reason Kane doesn’t get that. Kane takes credit for Rollins winning Money in the Bank, so Rollins says Kane is going to have to answer to the Authority. That’s fine with Kane, as he puts Rollins in a match tonight. For those of you counting, that would be five matches made during the show.

Cole is considering legal actions against Lesnar. JBL had to have emergency surgery for a torn abdomen wall and Booker wants Lesnar fired. Yay! Legal ramifications!

We look back at Lesnar’s path of rage last week.

The WWE Network is free for April. That’s the third free month out of six.

Seth Rollins vs. Neville

Non-title and Rollins is suddenly far less nervous. He grabs a mic and talks some trash to Neville, saying Neville must be terrified to be out here. Rollins has been there before too and offers the pipsqueak a chance to sit this one out. Neville kicks him in the ribs and we’re ready to go. A quick armdrag puts the champ down but he stomps Neville in the corner to take over. Neville does his front flip out of the corner and hurricanranas Seth to the floor, setting up a big flip dive. He slides back in to avoid the Stooges and we take a break. Back with Neville being sent face first into the middle buckle and Seth dropping knees to the face.

We hit the chinlock for a bit before Rollins picks him up for some knees to the ribs. Seth is toying with him as he drives some elbows into the head before putting on another chinlock. A running clothesline flips Neville inside out but he counters the buckle bomb with a hurricanrana. It’s Red Arrow time but Mercury offers a distraction so Noble can break it up. Instead it’s a quick rollup for two on Seth, who counters another hurricanrana into the buckle bomb. Curb Stomp ends Neville at 11:39.

Rating: C+. Let’s get this out of the way right now: Neville is not buried, isn’t being buried, and doesn’t even have any dirt on him. If you need an explanation for why, I’ve failed at teaching you anything. This was a good showcase for Neville but there was no other logical way this could end without interference. The fact that Neville is in this spot two weeks in is a great sign for the future.

Rollins gives him another Curb Stomp after the match.

Here’s Cena for this week’s open challenge. The city of Austin has declared this WWE Day so Cena is extra fired up. A lot of fans want him to come out and lose the title already, but this title is a symbol of opportunity. Someone can come out here and have a chance to put their name in the history books. Take Rusev for example. He wants his rematch for the title, but for some reason he wants to wait until Extreme Rules. Why not have the match tonight in Austin? Anyway, someone can come out here right now and step up to get stepped on.

US Title: John Cena vs. Stardust

Cena grabs a headlock to start and throws Stardust to the ropes, only to have him skin the cat. Back in and Cena drops some elbows as the announcers talk about Back to the Future for no logical reason. A delayed suplex gets two for the champ as Cena is mixing things up this week. The chinlock doesn’t last long as Stardust bails to the floor and we take a break. Back with Cena diving into a dropkick and Stardust hitting something like Diamond Dust for two.

What looks to be a springboard hurricanrana is countered into a powerbomb to give Cena a near fall of his own. The AA doesn’t work so Stardust hooks an Alabama Slam for another two count. Cross Rhodes is countered as well and Cena plants him with a kind of sitout powerslam. The ProtoBomb looks to set up the Shuffle but Stardust kicks him in the head and gets another close cover off a DDT.

A moonsault press gets the same and Cena is in some trouble. It’s not enough trouble though as he trips Stardust into the STF. Stardust is close to the ropes though and hits a quick Cross Rhodes for two. That’s enough for Cena as he hits the springboard Stunner and the AA retains the title at 13:10.

Rating: C+. This is exactly what the open challenge should be doing: giving someone you don’t usually see in a spot like this getting a chance to showcase themselves. Good match here with Stardust getting to show off a bit but ultimately coming up short. What I liked best about this match though: it was fresh. I’ll take a match with an obvious ending over a match we’ve seen 19 times before almost every time.

Naomi/Paige vs. Bella Twins

The Bella Twins’ name graphic now lists them both as Divas Champion. I know it’s not intentional but it’s probably more accurate than they intended. Brie takes Paige into the ropes to start and sends her to the floor for a hard shot from Nikki. The BRIE MODE knee gets two and we hit the chinlock.

Off to Nikki for a bodyscissors for a bit before Nikki misses a charge in the corner, allowing the hot tag to Naomi. She botches a spinning headscissors before kicking Nikki in the face before slipping on a landing out of the corner. The Rear View gets two with Brie making the save, only to have Paige kick Nikki down. The headscissors driver gets zero reaction but it’s enough to pin Nikki at 5:00.

Rating: D-. Sweet Christmas the Bellas are dull in the ring. They’re just not interesting no matter how you look at them and there’s nothing in the ring that makes me want to watch them. It didn’t help that Naomi was botching almost everything she was doing here and looked more like Cameron than anyone else. Horrible match that gave me flashbacks to the dark days of the division.

The announcers talk about Miz vs. Mizdow but we go to the Prime Time Players ripping on New Day with the same insults from Smackdown. They switch over to making fun of Ascension with some home made spiked shoulder pads that keep breaking. Ascension can’t read either and they hit the Millions of Dollars dance. I’ve heard of worse gimmicks.

Luke Harper vs. Ryback

Harper nails a quick dropkick to start and a big boot sends Ryback to the floor. After teasing loading up the announcers’ table, Harper takes him back inside for a Boss Man Slam and something like a crossface. Ryback gets the rope, avoids a charge to send Harper into the post and hits Shell Shock out of nowhere for the pin at 2:48. That was his only significant move of the match.

The New Day is hurt and disappointed by the crowd thinking they suck, but they won’t find disappointment in their dancing. They clap or they snap. Big E. says he was eating at the airport yesterday when a kid came up and asked him (with Big E. doing a kid’s voice) to sign a breakfast menu for his brother. Of course he could, because he claps. It really doesn’t make more sense in context.

New Day vs. Lucha Dragons

Kofi is on the floor this time but his slapping of the apron makes the fans chant NEW DAYS SUCKS in time. Big E. runs Cara over to start and both he and Woods take turns stomping away in the corner. Cesaro/Kidd/Natalya are watching in the back as Woods gives up the hot tag to Kalisto. Things speed way up with Kalisto snapping off the hurricanrana but Big E. makes the save. Cara low bridges Big E. to the floor but Kofi gets in a cheap shot from the floor to give Woods two on Kalisto. Woods like the cheating but the Dragons make a blind tag, allowing the Salida Del Sol to set up the Swanton from Cara to pin Woods at 2:59.

Big Show vs. Roman Reigns

Because, uh, reasons! They slug it out to start with Show taking him into the corner for some chops. Show throws him across the ring by the vest and stands on his back on the ropes. They head outside with Show slowly plodding around and throwing Reigns into the barricade. Reigns comes back with a running apron kick but Show spears him down as we take a break. Back with Big Show still dominating because, uh, reasons!

Show charges into a boot in the corner and gets staggered by some clotheslines, only to catch Reigns in a side slam. The bouncing Vader Bomb gets two more and Show baseball slides him into the barricade. Reigns comes up to the apron and hammers away before Stunning Show over the apron. The Superman Punch from the floor sets up another in the ring. The third sets up the spear for the pin at 10:39.

Rating: D. I did not like this match. I am ceasing this rating description for reasons as an exercise in anger management due to a desire to not die at the age of 43, which is also Big Show’s current age, which is usually when wrestlers retire but he’s still out there getting to dominate people and for some reason WWE doesn’t get that we don’t care.

Kane is on the phone when a bunch of Divas come in to hit on him. They bring up the “Give Divas A Chance movement” (Alicia’s finger quotes, not mine) and ask for a #1 contenders battle royal. Kane makes the match for next week to get rid of them.

Reigns says watch what he does next.

Here’s Sheamus to say he looks like a real man. The fans tell him that he looks stupid but he says the grown up is talking now. He’s a warrior who belongs here, unlike the go getters who just won’t go away. People like Dolph Ziggler are insects who need to be crushed. Sheamus is told to pick on people his size, but there aren’t too many his size. Cue his opponent.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

Henry is the hometown boy. Sheamus goes to leave but gets pulled back into the ring to start the fight. The bell rings and Henry blocks a kick with a right hand to the face. A top wristlock goes badly for Sheamus as he’s shoved to the floor. Back up and Sheamus can’t finish the ten forearms as Henry elbows him in the face, only to have Sheamus nail some knee lifts on the apron. The World’s Strongest Slam is countered and Sheamus nails the Brogue Kick for the pin at 2:33. Booker calls Sheamus a viking for no apparent reason.

We look at the big talking segment from Wrestlemania.

Bray Wyatt shows up on screen and says someone’s entire life revolves around dedication. However dedicated you are, you can’t compete with the forces of nature. You can’t compete against fear either, for it is not your drive for success that motivates you. What motivates you is fear and it holds the key to your undoing. Does he have your attention now? Behold the new face of fear.

Ryback is hungry for the WWE World Title.

Damien Mizdow vs. Miz

We get a battle of sunglasses removal to start but Mizdow knocks him to the floor before taking his off. Back in and Mizdow chokes him in the corner but eats a big boot to the face. Mizdow shoves him to the corner but doesn’t seem that comfortable on offense. A snap suplex and knee drop keep Miz in trouble. Mizdow scores with an electric chair and headbutt, followed by the Reality Check for no cover. Miz tries a low blow but gets taken down and punched in the face. A quick rollup with a handful of trunks is enough to pin Mizdow at 5:03.

Rating: D+. This show is going WAY too long and it’s starting to drag horribly. It’s pretty clear that this match was designed to set up a gimmick rematch, maybe for the rights to the name and the music, at Extreme Rules. Nothing much to see here though, other than Mizdow looking awkward on offense at times.

Orton has nothing against his opponents but he’s winning tonight.

Ryback vs. Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton

Winner gets the title shot at Extreme Rules. Ryback tries to Shell Shock Reigns seconds in but gets taken down by Orton’s backbreaker for two. A clothesline gets the same on Reigns but Ryback throws Orton to the floor. Cue the Authority on the stage, where they can see Ryback powerslam Reigns. Roman breaks up the elevated DDT on Ryback before clotheslining him in the corner. There’s a Superman Punch to Orton but Ryback plants Reigns with a spinebuster.

The Meat Hook puts Reigns down again but Ryback has to stop Orton with a spinebuster as well. Reigns breaks up Shell Shock on Orton with a spear and all three are down. Now the Authority starts coming to the ring but Reigns dives on all of them. Show KO Punches him though, only to have Rollins go after Orton. Cue the Stooges to go after Orton but Ryback beats them up. The RKO on Ryback sends Orton to Extreme Rules at 5:18.

Rating: C. This didn’t have time to go anywhere but it wasn’t bad while it lasted. I’m getting back into Ryback but there was almost no way Orton didn’t win here. Unfortunately it really seems that they’re setting up Reigns vs. Big Show again, despite the interest just not being there. That never stopped them before though.

Rollins hits a Curb Stomp before we can hear what the voices do in Orton’s head.

Overall Rating: C-. This show was more good than bad but it really started dragging at about 10:30. At the end of the day, three hours is just too long for a single wrestling show every week. It doesn’t help that a lot of the talent was working twice tonight and we had more than one Divas segments. The stuff with the new guys or the new characters was good, but they really need to get away from Big Show and the Bellas. Those three are just crippling whatever scenes they’re in and the fans aren’t going to lighten up on them anytime soon. Watchable show this week but it needed to be half an hour shorter.

Results

Randy Orton b. Kane via DQ when Kane used a chair

Seth Rollins b. Neville – Curb Stomp

John Cena b. Stardust – Attitude Adjustment

Naomi/Paige b. Bella Twins – Headscissors driver to Nikki

Ryback b. Luke Harper – Shell Shock

Lucha Dragons b. New Day – Swanton Bomb to Woods

Roman Reigns b. Big Show – Spear

Sheamus b. Mark Henry – Brogue Kick

Miz b. Damien Mizdow – Rollup with a handful of trunks

Randy Orton b. Ryback and Roman Reigns – RKO to Ryback

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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This is a show where most fans just didn’t want to see it. The interest wasn’t there, but it had one good thing going for it: it’s Wrestlemania. No matter what happens on the show, there’s always something worth checking out. A few days before the show, I was talking about the card on the radio and the host said that it was a good card on paper and you would be looking forward to the show if you hadn’t seen the build. That seemed more and more accurate as the show came closer. Let’s get to it.

Before we get to the card, I want to cover some of the scenery. Above all else, that stage was HUGE. It was probably an easy forty yards long, making the wrestlers look tiny by comparison. That helped give the show the huge feel it was hoping for and the whole thing looked great. I know some people have complained about the sunlight but it really didn’t bother me that much. I’ve seen shows outside where it was raining so hard that there were puddles in the ring so some sun isn’t exactly a disaster.

The opening pre-show match was its usual fun, though I liked the elimination style from last year better. Jey Uso not being able to go hurt things a bit but having one less person might have been the best thing that could have happened in this mess. Also, it’s not like he’s some polar opposite from his brother. When I’m reviewing an Uso match I just pick one of their names and alternate whenever they tag. Does it really matter either way?

The match was a huge spotfest as you would expect and eventually lost all semblance of wrestling. Normally that would sound bad but it was exactly what it should have been here. The champs stood out more than anyone else and it’s clear that no one cares about New Day and Los Matadores, but did anyone not know that coming in? The champs retains after Cesaro stole a pin, which was exactly the ending they should have gone with.

The second match was the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal and Big Show won. Why you ask? Because apparently he’s never won a battle royal and we’re supposed to ignore World War 3 1996, the one he won on Smackdown in March of last year, the one he and Kofi co-won on Raw in 2011, the ECW vs. WWE Head to Head battle royal in 2006 and a battle royal he won on Nitro because this company doesn’t know how to do research, which could include things like looking online or, I don’t know, ASKING HIM IF HE’S EVER WON A BATTLE ROYAL.

Anyway, this was your old standard formula of having everyone brawl then have some people do a sequence to get eliminated. Mizdow got the big face turn against Miz, only to get thrown out by Big Show with ease. Yeah having Mizdow eliminate Big Show on his own would be a stretch, but having him win by eliminating Miz would have been a huge moment. Naturally we need Big Show to win his fourth battle royal because no one remembers the others. Oh and if you remember the story, he was the last man standing in the 2000 Royal Rumble but wasn’t declared the winner.

Aside from Big Show and Mizdow, the only story was Hideo Itami from NXT. He didn’t do much, but at least he was there and got to have a quick moment. It was probably better to have him in there instead of someone they’re ready to push like Balor. Itami is just a kicking machine at this point but he’s still decent enough for a spot like this. Not a fan of the match if you couldn’t tell by three paragraphs about a battle royal.

Aloe Blacc sang America the Beautiful. Four things: Aloe Blacc sounds like a lotion and is a far cry from Aretha Franklin or Gladys Knight. Also, why is it almost always America the Beautiful and almost never the Star Spangled Banner? Either is fine but I’ve always wondered that. Finally, I’m out of touch with modern music and I don’t seem to be missing anything.

The opening seven man ladder match was pretty much exactly what fans were expecting: a huge mess with almost no story to it and one big spot after another. It wasn’t anything we haven’t seen before and it probably would have been better to have five people instead of seven but for an opening match, this was solid. I would have put this on later and not had it so soon after the other mess of the Tag Team Title match, but there was nothing much to complain about here.

As for the people in the match, they did just about what they were supposed to do. R-Truth and Stardust were just there (though Barrett breaking Stardust’s glittery ladder was hilarious), Ziggler was the one that got close but couldn’t pull it off, Ambrose got put through a ladder for the big spot (which was actually really smart because it wrote him off the show later so he couldn’t stop the big ending), Barrett was fighting everyone, Harper was there for the power and that only leaves one guy.

Having Bryan win a title in the opening match was a good way to get the show off on the right foot. Aside from fighting for his fifth different title in five Wrestlemanias (US Title, World Heavyweight Title, Tag Team Titles, WWE World Heavyweight Title, Intercontinental Title), they had to throw the fans a bone to go from him having one of the coolest moments ever at Wrestlemania to opening the show the next year. Winning the Intercontinental Title is a step down, but at least it’s Bryan getting back into the swing of things. Good stuff here and a solid opener, though it probably could have been trimmed down.

Things slow down a bit with the first singles match of the night as Randy Orton beat Seth Rollins. This was kind of a surprising result for me but it also telegraphed what was going to happen later in the night, ala Edge back in 2006. The RKO at the end with Seth being launched through the air was good, though I’ll still take Evan Bourne’s Shooting Star into an RKO for the best ever. Either way, Orton can nail that thing from almost anywhere and it never stops looking great.

However, this opens up some problems: we’ve seen these guys fight a few times now and we’re supposed to pay to see them fight at Extreme Rules and potentially at a third show in May? The booking may be logical on paper, but I’m not sure it’s going to get people to watch week after week. It was a good match, but I really liked what Wade Keller said about Orton on Austin’s podcast this week: he’s so naturally talented and has been around so long that the expectations on him are very high. When he has a good match, it’s almost considered a disappointment because he can be so naturally good when he’s on his game.

Now we get to the match which is probably going to get the most controversy all night. This is where the great entrances began. First we had Sting coming out to a Japanese drum band, which was cool but kind of bizarre at the same time. I have no idea what kind of connection it’s supposed to be, but I guess WWE just wanted Sting to have his own entrance that was unique for their show. The problem with this was Sting is always a high energy guy and the slow drum stuff didn’t quite fit the top level show in the world.

Then HHH came out with an army of robots, in Terminator gear with Arnold Schwarzenegger himself doing a video introduction. It was at this point that you knew HHH was going to be the big star here and that this was really just a story with Sting involved instead of a story about Sting. The question here was what could Sting do after a few years off and all that time in TNA.

Amazingly enough he looked pretty solid. This was an old school style match with both guys working each other over and HHH working over the back to slow Sting down. This was a very nice change of pace after Orton and Rollins having the fast paced main event style and all the insanity that took place in the first three matches. It’s the style they should have gone with and it worked fine.

Then seven people interfered, completely ignored wrestling history, made old people look old, having Kevin Nash do what I think was the funniest bit of the night, and then ending it with a hammer to the face. In case you didn’t watch the show and are just reading this (for some strange reason), it was the Monday Night Wars all over again with DX running in first (with Sting DIVING OFF THE TOP ONTO ALL THREE OF THEM. Not bad at 56 years old) and then the NWO slowly hobbling in to counter them, all capped off by Shawn superkicking Sting.

Where do I even begin? Aside from the logical Shawn interference, this was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve seen in years. First and foremost, Sting spent nearly two years fighting the NWO (or at least the Black and White) but now he’s going to fight with them for the Monday Night Wars? A battle where his partners are the biggest WWF guy ever to that point and two guys who were the definition of hired mercenaries in the war and are fighting against one of their best friends? That’s the best they’ve got?

It also caused us to see the New Age Outlaws and X-Pac on the same level as Hall, Nash and Hogan. Under no circumstances at any time in the history of professional wrestling does that hold up. Despite the fact that Billy Gunn is less than five years younger than Sting (no real connection to this, just find it kind of mind blowing), there is no way that these six guys are on the same level, even with Nash going down and holding his quad in a funny bit.

After all the insanity and ignoring continuity for the sake of the Monday Night Wars revival, Sting kicked out of the superkick (and out of the Pedigree earlier) and broke the sledgehammer, only to have the third Stinger Splash collide with the sledgehammer to give HHH the pin.

This is one of those moments where you sit at the screen, shake your head just a bit, then either sigh heavily or break a small appliance while screaming loudly. The fact that they brought Sting in and had him lose in his first match came off as one of the biggest wastes of time I’ve seen in years. It felt like they were closing the door on Sting, which is fine in theory, but they couldn’t close it on a victory? It was such a mess that it wouldn’t have been remotely clean so HHH doesn’t lose face and the fans get to cheer.

Instead, it was one last (and by last I mean not last whatsoever) thumb of the large nose at WCW, which was entirely what this feud was based on, even after Sting said how ridiculous that would be. They even had the factions come out for the match, despite WCW going out of business FOURTEEN YEARS AGO. Is WWE really that insecure about a show on the air less than six years total that they have to dig it up and bury it one more time nearly fifteen years later? Apparently so, because that’s exactly what they did.

Oh but we’re not done. After the match, we got the big respect handshake. As I said in the original review: YOU HIT HIM IN THE FACE WITH A HAMMER AFTER COMING OUT WITH AN ARMY OF ROBOTS! NO HE DOES NOT WANT TO SHAKE YOUR HAND! This was supposed to be HHH saying he respected Sting after the battle. Keep this one in mind because we’ll be coming back to it later.

I know I complained about it a lot, but this was one of the big song and dance numbers that you can only get at Wrestlemania and I had a blast watching it. The run-ins were incredibly fun (illogical but fun) and Sting looked like he did back in the best of his TNA years, which was a pretty good time for him. I was impressed with what he did on a wrestling front and the match was more entertaining than it had any right to be. No it didn’t make sense and was a huge mess, but what else were you going to do with this match, especially with that ending?

Daniel Bryan celebrated with a bunch of former Intercontinental Champions for the Ron Simmons cameo. Jericho would have been a good addition here but what we got was fine.

Then we had a concert as all the NWO and DX guys try to figure out whose walker is whose. I still don’t like these things as they waste so much time to give us songs we’ve heard a million times coming into the show, but hey, at least WWE can say this is an ENTERTAINMENT show instead of silly old wrestling. You know, because a seven minute concert totally changes the opinion of the show right?

The not so serious portion of the show continued with the Divas tag match between AJ Lee/Paige and the Bella Twins in what wound up being AJ’s final match in WWE (for now). This match reenforced my issue with the Bellas all along: they’re just not very good. Yeah they’re watchable in the ring and have gotten WAY better in the last six to eight months, but there’s a very thick line between good and watchable. They’re combining to be the top of the division and that’s just not going to cut it for a long term run at the top. AJ made Nikki tap in a short match after spending a lot of time on the floor.

I tried to like this match and it was better than most Raw matches you would see, but it didn’t work as the big Wrestlemania match for them. The Bellas are good at getting heel heat and playing the stuck up better than you villains, but they simply cannot back it up in the ring. It’s like they’re following a tightly written script for the match and would be lost if anything went against that plan. That’s a sign of a sub-par worker and the Bellas fill that role like Nikki fills out those shorts.

In theory this was to set up AJ vs. Nikki for the title, but why couldn’t that be taking place at Wrestlemania? I complained about this leading up to the show and it still didn’t make sense here. Having this just be a tag match after a couple of title matches were used to set it up was totally backwards thinking and never held up. The wrestling was ok, but the Bellas are just killing this division every day they have the title. It’s like the life is being drained out of the division, much like HHH’s World Title reign in 2003: the matches aren’t bad but you roll your eyes when the title is retained and beg for ANYONE to give you a break.

The Hall of Fame did their thing. This was what it was and I always like seeing them out there and hearing the Fink’s voice. It felt faster this year, but there’s nothing wrong with taking five minutes out of a four hour card to let these people salute the crowd on the grand stage one more time.

Now we get to one of the bigger matches as Rusev defended the US Title against John Cena. In what might have been the entrance of the night, Rusev came out in a tank. I mean a full sized let’s go blow a hole in a building tank with Lana surrounded by Russian soldiers carrying the belt. I know Cena’s entrances are well known at Wrestlemania, but he’s going to have his hands full topping this.

Cena had a big speech with videos from American Presidents and shots of the military as we heard about how great this country is. Then Cena just walked to the ring as usual for a pretty anticlimactic ending. It was cool, but it needed something more than just Cena coming down the long aisle. I mean…..RUSEV WAS IN A TANK! Side note: the next night on Raw and then on Smackdown, the announcers started using The Russian Tank as a nickname for Rusev. I dig it.

The match….not so much. It was still good and an entertaining match with Cena finally breaking the Accolade and pinning Rusev to win the title, but it was just kind of there. I still liked it and Cena brought the goods (including a springboard Stunner, which should be someone’s finisher again minus the springboard) as he always does. This isn’t a loss where Rusev is never going to recover as every monster built up like him has to lose eventually.

It’s good and Rusev has already won his big match over Cena, but the ending hurt things. The story for this match had been built around submissions but Cena just sidestepped Rusev so he could hit Lana and nailed the AA for the pin. I mean….that’s it? It’s a good match and the ending had to be Cena winning (though imagine the promos Rusev could cut if he escaped with the belt), but the ending was a bit flat for me. At least this way they avoid the ultra repetitive YOU TAPPED OUT chants.

Now we get to the long time filler as the show had two matches to fill in about 80 minutes at this point. HHH and Stephanie came out to brag about owning the company, roughly an hour after HHH was all humble and shook Sting’s hand, making that whole thing even more stupid. I’m still kind of annoyed at that six days after the show.

Anyway, they talked about how they own the people and everyone here and you knew this was going to bring out the Rock. He did his long entrance and catchphrases, only to have Stephanie do her usual schtick as she ripped him apart and made him look like any given guy on the roster. She went one step too far though and slapped Rock in the face, so Rock bailed to the floor…..and walked over to Ronda Rousey.

Now THIS was a worthy use of a celebrity as Rousey is one of the biggest stars in sports right now (and ignore the fact that I have a thing for her) and fits this story perfectly. As you would expect, Stephanie ran her mouth and got her arm cranked. By cranked I mean slightly tugged on instead of being put in a full on armbar, but I’m assuming Ronda is only allowed to get so physical outside of UFC. That’s fine. Disappointing, but fine.

My guess is this sets up HHH vs. Rock with the girls as seconds, because even though Stephanie is a great talker, I don’t think anyone is going to buy her lasting more than five seconds against Rousey. Real trained fighters can barely break fifteen seconds against Rousey but we’re supposed to buy Stephanie as having the slightest bit of a chance against her? Because it’s in a wrestling ring? I’m not buying that, and this is assuming Rousey would ever be allowed to work a match in the first place. Rock vs. HHH is an established feud and seeing them go at it one more time would be fun.

It mostly worked, except for one problem: IT TOOK NEARLY HALF AN HOUR. This was one of the longest talking segments I’ve seen in a long time and a lot of it is due to Stephanie and Rock taking forever to get to the point. Now once Ronda was introduced it was fine as everyone was begging for her to, as Rock put it, reach down Stephanie’s throat and play jump rope with her Fallopian tubes”, but sweet goodness they could have cut five to ten minutes of this and done the exact same thing. But then we wouldn’t have been able to hear about Stephanie being Andre’s friend again, because…..why do we need to hear that anyway?

The segment ran long enough that we didn’t have time to recap Bray Wyatt and Undertaker starting small fires to set up their match. The interesting thing here was Bray wrenching his ankle very badly before the show and barely being able to walk. However, he gutted it out and managed to hold up his half of the match. That brought us to the big question: how was Undertaker going to do?

Actually quite well, as it really seems the concussion played a huge role in how bad the match against Lesnar was last year. Undertaker wasn’t at the HBK level, but he was more than fine for a match like this. He’s also grown some hair back to make him look like Biker Taker, which isn’t my favorite look but is miles better than the bald version, which just makes him look old. I don’t really need to see Undertaker again, but it was good to see that he still had something in the tank after last year’s mess.

I have to give a quick bit of praise to Bray’s entrance, which saw a bunch of scarecrows come to life as he walked past them, turning them into his henchmen. It makes no sense but looked awesome, which brings me to something I’ve been meaning to talk about recently. A criticism I’ve been hearing lately is that Bray’s promos don’t make a ton of sense. I want to tilt my head at these people and ask them what is wrong with their heads.

Look at Bray Wyatt. He’s a backwoods cult leader who worships a spirit named Sister Abigail, who told him that he would save the world one day. Why in the name of all that is good and holy would you expect him to give a logical promo? The whole point of the character is that he sounds bizarre and only makes sense to those people crazy enough to follow him.

Undertaker talked about spirits, Ultimate Warrior talked about loading spaceships with rocket fuel and Hulk Hogan talked about dog paddling Donald Trump to safety when an earthquake caused New Jersey to fall into the ocean. Bray Wyatt’s promos are closer to Nick Bockwinkel’s than the work of a lot of people praised for their speaking abilities, but people complain that he doesn’t make sense.

Of course they don’t make sense and he’d be failing if they did. He looks and sounds mysterious and you’re supposed to wonder what he means. It makes just enough sense for you to follow it, but the details aren’t all there and that’s why they work. Yeah he gets repetitive at times, but criticizing him for not making sense is an unfair complaint.

All of that brings us to the big main event, which doesn’t have as much to talk about. It was basically Lesnar vs. Cena all over again with Lesnar destroying the challenger and shrugging off his best shots until he made a mistake and let Reigns stay in it, only to have Rollins cash in Money in the Bank and pin Reigns to win the title.

The match itself was fun, but they were running the risk of making Lesnar repetitive. Don’t get me wrong: it’s still entertaining to see him be all freaky strong (even though he has some thin legs, at least compared to how huge his upper body is), but they can only do this for so long before it loses some of its impact. I liked that they had Reigns making a comeback near the end and you weren’t quite sure if he could pull it off, but if they had him survive and win, I would have been scared to show up at Raw the next night. The booing would have been too much for that hair to handle.

Another point here is the blood, which did a lot of good for the match. It’s something you don’t need to see that often, but it’s good in spots like this one. Quick note here: there’s a video going around that allegedly shows the referee passing the blade to Reigns. That’s actually the referee checking on Reigns, who squeezes his hand to show he’s fine. It’s an old technique and not passing a blade.

Rollins cashing in was a good way to end things, but unfortunately it’s going to lead to some repetitive title matches for the next few months, unless they go with some triple threats. Rollins deserves the title though and that’s the important thing to get done. I certainly like the cash in and it kept them from having to pick from a short list of bad possible endings. It’s a great ending to a great show.

Yes this was a great show and I had an awesome time with the whole thing. I don’t know how well it holds up over time with the lack of a bad build and low expectations in the future, but as it stood it was an outstanding show without a really bad match on the card. There are some issues (Sting losing, time getting crunched because of the talking segment going long) but overall, this blew away my expectations and I had a lot of fun watching it. How long has it been since we had two great Wrestlemanias in a row? Seven years or so? However long it’s been, the answer is too long so it was great seeing another classic.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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I’ve done too many Give Divas A Chance lines already.

This is another one that I’ve been going back and forth on every week. Let’s get the first major issue out of the way first: this should be for the Divas Title. Make it a fourway, make it a tag match for the title (it’s been done before) or just make it a singles match with one of them challenging Nikki, but don’t set up a meaningless tag match with a series of title matches. It doesn’t make sense but this is what we’re getting.

Now I’m not one to admit this, but the story hasn’t been that bad. The promo on Smackdown this past week was the selling point for me, as the girls started arguing more and more but actually said some stuff instead of just lame insults. You have the non-sisters talking about being proud of not being spoiled reality “stars” and failed D-list celebrities while the Bellas say they’ve been running this place while AJ is off TV all the time.

See, THAT is a story. Instead of just having them fight over some fake, lame story off Total Divas (the real prize of the Divas these days), they’re arguing about stuff that only these girls can talk about. It’s getting down to the idea of entertainment vs. the wrestling which is always something you can go to for a major story. This is something interesting for a change, but the question is where do they go with it from here.

The big line lately has been “Give Divas A Chance.” That’s fine, but at the end of the day, you have to actually DO something instead of just talking about it. I know it’s become a theory that the Bellas are getting better in the ring, but the reality is they’re getting more competent. If you watch them, it’s clear that they’re having to go step for step to get through a match and they would be lost if they had to improvise anything. Now to be fair, that puts them at the higher end of the division, but they’re WAY behind the classically trained wrestlers.

AJ and Paige on the other hand…..I’m kind of over them. They’re talented and look good in the ring, but we’ve just seen them fight for the better part of a year and it’s hard to care about seeing them again. It doesn’t help that you have the Divas in NXT ready to come up to the main roster and probably wrestle circles around a lot of the main roster Divas, but they’re not going anywhere because we need crazy people like Eva Marie (what does she actually do for WWE anyway?) and Cameron who have the loud personalities that get ratings on reality shows.

As for the match, the theory would be they set up the next challenger for Nikki’s title, but an instinct tells me that’s not where they’re going. What I’d like to see is Nikki get the pin and the FINALLY have her showdown with Brie that we should have gotten five months ago before Charlotte shows up and takes the Divas Title. Yeah she’s not on Total Divas, but it’s been far too long since we’ve given Flair some kind of praise right? Anyway, Nikki pins let’s say AJ after AJ and Paige have issues. As usual though, if the match doesn’t get any time, there’s no chance this goes anywhere. It doesn’t need to be a marathon, but give then ten minutes.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Smackdown
Date: March 26, 2015
Location: Staples Center, Los Angeles, California
Attendance: 17,540
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole

It’s the final show before the big one and that means we’re in for a very different kind of Smackdown. This is likely to be a studio heavy show with a lot of video packages, but it’s not like Smackdown means much in the first place. The main event is a big eight man tag with most of the people in some of the bigger matches. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

Jimmy Uso vs. Cesaro vs. Fernando vs. Big E.

One fall to a finish and no tags. It’s a big brawl to start with Jimmy hitting the running Umaga attack on Cesaro but Big E. suplexes Jimmy and Fernando down. Big E. keeps going by throwing them all into the same corner and driving in shoulders. Fernando is left alone with Big El and the Warrior Splash gets two. Jimmy comes back in to kick Big E. in the head and Fernando hits a big dive to take out E. and Cesaro. That’s not enough for Jimmy as he dives on all three for a huge crash.

Back in and Cesaro loads up the apron superplex on Fernando but Jimmy gets in to help him, only to have Big E. German suplex both guys to put all four down in something like a Tower of Doom. Cool stuff indeed. Cesaro and Fernando gets back up with the masked man diving into the Swing. A Backstabber breaks up the Neutralizer but Jimmy kicks Big E. down, allowing E. to hit the Big Ending on Cesaro. Jimmy nails the Superfly Splash on Cesaro for the pin at 4:53. Well that was….short.

Rating: C. Total insanity here with nothing resembling structure. That being said, what else can you ask for in a match like this? The fourway match on Sunday is going to be nothing but a big spotfest so why not just have the half sized version here? That Tower of Doom was cool stuff though and one big spot is more than enough in a five minute match.

We go live to Axxess with Byron Saxton and Renee Young. After talking about all the autographs that will be signed there, we go to a clip from ESPN on Monday where Brock Lesnar officially announced that he re-signed with WWE.

Long video on Reigns vs. Lesnar with Reigns saying he has to rise to the occasion and beat his biggest test.

Another video on the Intercontinental Title ladder match but with a different focus, as it looks back at some classics for the title at Wrestlemania. Some of the other ladder matches get a focus as well.

We look back at AJ and Paige brawling on Monday after the Bellas got under their skin.

We get a cool video of Rusev talking about how he’s broken Cena and how it means he’s broken America. By contrast, Cena promises to fight back for America and we see him getting a lot more intense to get the rematch at Wrestlemania, only to get laid out again on Raw.

Video on Rollins vs. Orton which focuses on Orton being the future ten years ago and Rollins being today’s future. Unfortunately it also talks about Orton infiltrating the Authority and beating Rollins down. It didn’t make sense then, it didn’t make sense when he explained it, and it doesn’t make sense now.

Here’s AJ for the big showdown with Paige. She says we’ve seen her as everything from the GM to everyone’s girlfriend to the longest reigning Divas Champion of all time. Paige and AJ both love being Divas Champion but at Wrestlemania, AJ is going to stand up to the Bellas and give them what they deserve. The question is whether AJ will be doing it alone.

Cue Paige who says AJ can’t just skip past what happened on Raw. It’s been almost a year since Paige debuted and took the Divas Title from AJ, which is why AJ doesn’t want her to have it back. AJ says she gets what she wants and she knows Paige is out of her mind too. At Wrestlemania, they can’t let the Kardashians win. They shake hands but here are the Bellas with a rebuttal.

Nikki calls them the compulsive liar and the backstabber but AJ’s ability to make everyone believe her doesn’t work on the Bellas. AJ doesn’t seem to care but Nikki says Brock Lesnar has worked more days in the last year than AJ has. Nikki has been running the division for a year and the two girls in the ring are just like every other girl in the back. “Who doesn’t want to be a Bella?” Paige: “Who wants to be a D-list celebrity and a failed actress?” Paige says they like being the freaks and geeks and the girls that beat the Bellas at Wrestlemania. The Bellas are ready for Sunday. Good promo, but why isn’t the title on the line?

Video on HHH’s rise to the top of WWE and how he’s come to dominate the company. Sting on the other hand is the face of WCW and the one guy that has never been in WWE, making it a huge dream match. I really wish they had decided on the story. It seemed like a rehash of WCW vs. WWE but the interesting story is that HHH and the Authority can’t use their bullying tactics on Sting because he’s the one guy pure enough and a big enough legend for it to have no effect. Sting tried to get away from the WCW thing and even called it ridiculous, but Stephanie decided that’s what it should be about and she runs this place right?

The next recap is on Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt, with Undertaker finally coming off a loss at Wrestlemania and Bray wanting to replace him as the new face of fear. This is a really easy story but Bryan can only say the same thing so many times without Undertaker showing up. That same problem has plagued this show in multiple matches.

John Cena/Daniel Bryan/Roman Reigns/Mark Henry vs. Seth Rollins/Bray Wyatt/Big Show/Kane

Time for the token main event to make it clear that we’re watching a wrestling show. Isn’t Wyatt as part of the Authority kind of against what his character stands for? Reigns shoves Rollins around to start and explodes out of the corner with a clothesline. He adds eight more clotheslines in the corner and a nice tilt-a-whirl slam for no cover as Rollins is in early trouble.

Wyatt comes in but eats a right hand as well and gets Stunned over the top rope. Reigns brings back the Apron Kick and it’s all good guys so far. Off to Kane, who I guess is supposed to be more intimidating. He charges into Reigns’ boot in the corner and a middle rope clothesline gets two so it’s off to Big Show.

Henry wants in and gets the tag, giving us the battle of the giants. As expected, this goes badly for Henry and the heels stomp away on the fallen strongman. He looks like a fat turtle on the mat. Back to Kane for more stomping and the tall men take turns chopping Henry down. A superkick stops Mark’s comeback and we take a break.

Back with Cena coming in to clean house but Bray does his flying body block to put him down. The giants take turns on Cena this time as the dueling chants start up. Wyatt gets in a cheap shot as Rollins comes in to keep the bad guys in control. John wins a slugout with Rollins but Seth flips out of the AA and kicks Cena down again. The backsplash hits but a second attempt misses for Bray.

Rollins breaks up another tag attempt with a sleeper and jumps on Cena’s back for good measure. That’s fine with Cena as he drives Rollins into the corner, only to get caught with a Blockbuster for two. Big Show comes in (Big Show vs. Cena!) but misses the Vader Bomb, meaning it’s already back to Rollins. He doesn’t have the same luck this time as Cena backdrops him to the floor and it’s hot tag to Bryan.

Things speed way up and Bryan hits the top rope hurricanrana, followed by the YES Kick. He has to go after the Stooges though and Rollins gets in a kick of his own. Time for more Big Show but Reigns comes in with the Superman Punch. Sister Abigail is countered with a spear and Kane gets one as well. Henry and Reigns splash Show in the corner and the AA sets up the running knee to pin Big Show at 19:31.

Rating: D+. This was long, dull and completely unimportant as the only people in the same Wrestlemania match were Kane, Big Show and Henry who aren’t even on the main show anymore. Like I said, this was total filler and I’m really not a fan of having a match just to waste time. They did a decent job of making Reigns look good, but does beating up Kane and Big Show really mean much at this point?

Overall Rating: C. Yeah whatever. This is one of the shows I dread every year because it’s just a big commercial for Sunday and much more for people who aren’t watching the last few weeks. The wrestling here was just to remind us that it was a wrestling show and somehow I wound up liking the Divas stuff more than anything else, despite the match at Sunday not even being for the title. Dull show but that’s a tradition for this episode.

Results

Jimmy Uso b. Cesaro, Big E. and Fernando – Superfly Splash to Cesaro

John Cena/Daniel Bryan/Mark Henry/Roman Reigns b. Kane/Big Show/Seth Rollins/Bray Wyatt – Running knee to Big Show

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

As a life long Flintstones fan, I’ve been waiting for a very long time for this movie to come out. The Scooby-Doo movie was actually pretty solid for a quick hour and a half sit through, but this is just fifty minutes long. I’m really not sure if this is going to work as well, but I’m going to give a list of thoughts/issues throughout the whole thing. Expect some rare Flintstones fan boy rage in this one. Let’s get to it.

So first and foremost, this thing’s full title is The Flintstones and WWE: Stone Age Smackdown. That’s quite the wordy title, and the movie is only 49 minutes long. At the end of the day though, that’s probably a good thing. This really isn’t very good and didn’t need to be made. There’s a really basic plot (Fred needs money, thinks sports entertainment (not wrestling. Unless I missed it, that word is never used) is an easy way to afford a vacation) and everything is wrapped up really fast. There are only two wrestling shows in the whole thing and less than five matches.

Of course the main thing here is the wrestlers, but there aren’t many to go around. The entire cast from WWE is:

John Cena: a relative of Mr. Slate (which means he’s actually related to Barney if this is cannon) who can throw around dinosaurs.

Rey Mysterio: a guy who works in an office and wears a mask for no apparent reason.

Undertaker: an undertaker, who messes with a tablet a lot.

Bella Twins: two girls from Bedrock. They’re in this about three minutes combined.

Daniel Bryan: just there for a YES cameo.

CM Punk: villain. More on him later.

Mark Henry: Punk’s lackey.

Vince McMahon: owns a raw fish bar. GET IT?

And that’s it. The wrestlers are pretty limited here, and it’s made even stranger by the fact that they’re not wrestlers. They’re just people Fred hires to be in his shows, meaning they don’t know how to wrestle a match. Undertaker and Cena use tombstones at one point but that’s the extent of the wrestling involved.

There isn’t much to the plot and I’ll spare the major spoilers in case you want to see this. There’s only a handful of decent jokes, such as Cena suggesting he take up music and Punk being obsessed with ice cream. The only other scenes that gave me a chuckle were Daniel Bryan and John Cena doing the Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck YES/NO bit (WWE meets Looney Tunes could have some serious potential) and Bam Bam being stronger than Henry.

The characters look really off for the most part, but at least it’s consistent. Wilma’s head is MASSIVE and it’s really distracting. As for the WWE people, Cena looked fine, Vince wasn’t wearing a suit and looks way out of place in anything else, Mark Henry looked homeless, and the Bellas look like they did back in 2008. On the other hand though, they pretty much nailed Undertaker’s look perfectly, save for him wearing pink trunks at one point and spending too much time on the tablet.

For the most part, the wrestlers are just kind of there. Cena does a few things (including having his theme song start playing for no apparent reason), Mysteiro could have been anyone, Henry is a standard lackey and the Bellas are run off by Wilma and Betty. The interesting character though is Punk, who has the only running joke (thinking Barney’s pet Hoparoo is a kangaroo. I didn’t say the joke was funny), bullies Barney and seems to be cruel to animals. I don’t think they were going over the top with him as he’s certainly the closest thing they have to a villain, but it was interesting given what’s happened since he left.

As for the Flintstones stuff, it’s pretty standard, uninspired stuff.  These characters could have been on any given cartoon and you wouldn’t notice the difference. Fred wants money, the girls don’t trust the boys because they know they’ll have a scheme, and that’s about the extent of their involvement. It feels like someone said “put the Flintstones in this” and someone who has watched all of two episodes of the show was in charge of them (to be fair though, you can pretty much understand the main Flintstones characters after watching five minutes of any episode). They’re there, but it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.

Overall, this really is just a thing. It’s not really funny, it’s not really good, and it’s basically just there to say WWE and the Flintstones are doing something together. The Scooby-Doo movie had WAY more effort put in and I had about a thousand times more fun watching it. This pretty much just came and went and only got a handful of chuckles out of me. It’s far from horrible as it’s not even 50 minutes long, but unless you’re a big Flintstones fan, there’s no need to watch it. The wrestlers aren’t enough of a factor to draw in WWE fans and you would be better off watching the Scooby-Doo movie instead.

Oh and one more thing: one of the main jokes in the history of the Flintstones is taking someone with a famous name and adding a rock pun. They’re doing a movie with WWE and no one brings up THE ROCK??? That’s the biggest layup joke you could ever make and there’s nothing there? Come on now.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of Saturday Night’s Main Event at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SATPVKW

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Smackdown
Date: February 19, 2015
Location: BB&T Center, Sunrise, Florida
Attendance: 8,000
Commentators: Byron Saxton, Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

It’s the final show before Fast Lane and thankfully the ending to Monday’s show was a bit more interesting than trying to figure out exactly when Bryan turned into a whiny loser who is using his contractual obligations to get back in the title picture instead of just winning matches like he did last year. Other than that we have Rollins vs. Ziggler again tonight because what else could they air? Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the Reigns vs. Bryan story from Monday with both of them messing with the others match and a big brawl to end the show.

Opening sequence.

Miz vs. Daniel Bryan

Before the match, we see Miz ripping on Mizdow earlier in the night, but he insists it’s just trying to help Mizdow from being a loser. Mizdow of course out pops Miz, earning him a severe tongue lashing. Miz orders him to go get an Egyptian cotton towel for after his match. Apparently Bryan wants Miz to only use American goods and kicks some patriotism into his former mentor.

The running clothesline and corner dropkick set up a top rope hurricanrana but Miz bails to the floor to avoid the running knee. Back in and Miz kicks out the knee before driving knees into the hamstring. You don’t try to match submissions with Bryan though and the YES Lock is good for the submission at 2:54.

Ryback vs. Kane

Ryback hammers him into the corner to start and hits a decent belly to belly. A threat of the Meat Hook sends Kane outside in the same sequence from the first match with the running knee. Back in and Kane hits a running DDT followed by a big boot to send Ryback into the corner. We hit the chinlock for a bit before Ryback fights up with a Thesz Press and the Warrior Splash. Ryback gets knocked off the top rope to the floor, which means absolutely nothing as he hits the Shell Shock immediately after getting back in for the pin at 3:51.

Rating: D. This was a ten minute power match packed into less than four minutes. Ryback and Kane could have a decent match if they were given a few more minutes but they had to fly through this instead, likely so we can see a bunch of videos from Raw. Also, Ryback can pin Kane but Reigns can only beat him by countout? These are the kind of things that just make no sense and make you wonder if anyone is actually thinking backstage.

We recap Ambrose making Barrett sign the contract on Monday.

R-Truth vs. Bad News Barrett

Non-title so just raise Truth’s hand now. Ambrose is on commentary and wants to know why Truth is shouting WHOMP THERE IT IS, even though it’s on his iPod. Barrett stomps away in the corner as Dean talks about the title being the backbone of the company. Truth gives Barrett a pelvic thrust, earning him a beating in the corner.

Cole asks how that contract signing can stand. Dean: “Well there’s a graphic for the match on WWE.com and the internet is always true.” We hit the chinlock on Truth as Barrett talks trash to Dean. Truth fights up with ease and a side kick gets two. Ambrose ignores more trash talk, even as Barrett takes Truth to the floor and beats him up right in front of Dean. Back in and Dean turns his back on Barrett, allowing Truth to grab a rollup for the pin at 3:09.

Rating: D. Egads man I was kidding about Truth winning. Remember the good old days when champions ACTUALLY WON MATCHES??? On top of that, history shows us that Truth isn’t going anywhere after this win because pinning the champion is a plot device instead of a way to elevate someone. I don’t know what Barrett did to deserve this treatment, but he’d have a better future as a shark dentist than as Intercontinental Champion.

Vince is on the cover of Muscle and Fitness.

We look back at Cena and Rusev fighting on Monday. If nothing else, that segment proved that American healthcare is better than Russian, as Cena’s eye went from the focal point of the match to ignored in the span of a week.

Bray Wyatt says find him before he finds you.

Sheamus return video.

New Day vs. Ascension

Kofi is the odd man out here. Viktor and Woods get things going with Xavier planting a knee into the ribs for two. Ascension drags Woods into the corner for a double teaming, featuring a lot of choking in the corner. Back to Viktor for a kick to the ribs but Woods rolls over for an ice cold tag to E. Viktor gets thrown around but gets a reprieve as Big E. wipes away the sweat. A cheap shot from Konnor allows Viktor to send Big E. into the post, setting up Fall of Man for the pin at 2:52. I’m not surprised they’ve already pulled the plug on New Day, even though I like at least two of the members of the team.

Luke Harper vs. Roman Reigns

My goodness Harper has cooled down since winning that Intercontinental Title. It really has become a death knell in the last few years. Reigns throws him into the corner and stomps Luke down with ease. More stomping sends Harper outside and Roman nails him with a running clothesline. If Reigns can do one thing as well as anyone, it’s explode with running moves.

Back in and something like the ProtoBomb gets two but they head right back outside where Luke sends him into the steps. Back in and a slingshot hilo of all things gets two for Harper but Reigns fights out of a headlock. A big Samoan drop sends Harper flying but he escapes another and hits a swinging Boss Man Slam for two. Reigns pops back up, no sells a superkick and spears Harper down for the pin at 4:49.

Rating: C. As much as I can’t stand the no selling of hard shots to the face, this is the kind of win that makes Reigns look better. Have him get in there for a hard hitting match and then spear someone in half for the pin. It’s a really basic way of getting him over and to show off his physical abilities instead of whatever the heck the story with Bryan is supposed to be. I’ve watched the entire thing so far and I still don’t get it. What I do get however is Reigns spearing people and pinning them because it looks cool.

Recap of Flair and HHH from Raw for the response to the acceptance for the challenge to talk.

Big Show vs. Erick Rowan

I don’t see this going well. Show kicks Rowan to the floor before the bell and throws him into the steps. He picks Rowan up by the beard and throws him inside where the referee is fine with opening the match despite Rowan taking a horrible beating which should be a DQ but that might make Big Show look weak and this is a Big Show tribute company after all.

Show stomps him down in the corner and plants him with a slam. More stomping sets up the chokeslam for the pin at 2:26. Why in the world did we need a Big Show squash? He beat Daniel Bryan on Raw and now he needs to win a squash? Oh wait, it’s more Survivor Series fallout. Why didn’t I see that coming?

Cameron vs. Paige

The Bellas are on commentary and wearing sunglasses, which actually fit them quite well. Cameron flips her hair at Paige to start and gets the revolving elbows in the corner for her efforts. Paige drives knees into the chest and does her shout on the apron to no reaction from the Bellas. Apparently Nikki is fierce. Good to know. Cameron comes back with her horrible offense and slaps Paige in the face, earning her a series of clotheslines. A kick to the face sets up the PTO for the submission at 2:09.

Paige shouts at the Bellas post match. They were actually far easier to sit through here as they’ve turned up the obnoxious levels to make it more of a character than just half doing everything and coming off like catty teenagers at summer camp. Naturally Nikki is going to retain the title Sunday though, because Paige has won every match leading up to the showdown and the Bellas are evil, meaning they have to get the upper hand.

We recap Goldust and Stardust’s issues with Dusty on Monday.

Stardust knows what it’s like to be considered a freak, so he embraced Stardust. They were on fire as a team and won the Tag Team Titles, but then darkness crept in. He saw it coming because it happened to him, and it took Cody away from him. Now Stardust is a cancer eating Cody alive and he wants his brother back. That means he has to face his brother and beat him at Fast Lane. Stardust appears on the screen behind him and asks to be spared from Goldust’s sentiments. After Sunday, Cody won’t be the only one who has ceased to exist. The universe will forget the name of Goldust.

Jimmy Uso vs. Tyson Kidd

Before the match, Kidd says his decision to team with Cesaro is the best move he’s ever made. Natalya’s face is rather amusing to say the least. Also of note here: Kidd is about a foot shorter than Cesaro. I’ve never noticed that kind of a height difference before. Kidd fires off ROH style forearms to the head to start but Jimmy comes back with right hands in the corner. Not that it matters though as Rusev comes in to beat up both guys at 0:57.

Rusev destroys everyone and rants in Russian about Cena. No Lana here.

Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler

The Stooges are barred from ringside. Feeling out process to start with both guys going for arm holds and Rollins bailing to the ropes. They hit the mat with Ziggler caught in a headlock but he comes back with a nice dropkick. Rollins avoids a Stinger Splash though and we take a break. Back with Ziggler fighting out of a chinlock (as is almost always the case) but charging into a hot shot for two.

Big Show, Kane, Ryback and Rowan are all at ringside. After what happened earlier, why would you want Rowan out there? Isn’t there an elderly music teacher somewhere that could give you a better fighting chance? Rollins yells at Ryback and Rowan, allowing Dolph to come back with a running forearm to put both guys down.

Now the Stinger Splash connects and Ziggler follows it up with a neckbreaker. Rollins tries the buckle bomb but gets countered into a sunset flip, followed by the Fameasser for two more. Dolph dropkicks him out to the floor where Seth slaps Ryback and Rowan. Back in and Ziggler has to fight off Kane, allowing Rollins to hit the buckle bomb, followed by the Curb Stomp for the pin at 10:23.

Rating: B-. Solid enough match here but it’s nothing we haven’t seen them do far better before. Rollins getting a big win is a good sign and I’d assume there’s going to be a six man tag set up for Sunday. If nothing else it would fill out the card a bit and get us beyond six matches for the show. Oh and a big talk, because that’s what I want to pay for: a preview for the next show.

The Stooges come out and it’s time for the big beatdown. Given that Ziggler is done and Rowan is Rowan, it’s basically Ryback getting destroyed, making a decent comeback and then getting destroyed again for the last three minutes of the show, because the Stooges were able to subdue Rowan and we’re still doing the same things we did around Survivor Series time. So much for Kane and Big Show having issues I guess, unless something happens Sunday.

Overall Rating: C-. Now this felt like an alternative to Raw. Monday night tends to be about packing as much stuff as you can into a show, but at the same time it feels like they’re stalling for time. This show flies by with some decent wrestling and VERY few stories. Smackdown is much more streamlined and makes it an easier show to sit through.

However, that doesn’t make it an interesting show. Nothing happens on this show and it was pure false hope when it moved back to Thursdays. This is right back to the same stuff they did for years and there’s no real reason to watch it. Yeah there was some mild storyline development here, but it’s more like the downloadable content for a video game: it might be fun to kill some time, but if you never saw it, you wouldn’t lose anything from the game itself.

Results

Daniel Bryan b. Miz – YES Lock

Ryback b. Kane – Shell Shock

R-Truth b. Bad News Barrett – Rollup

Ascension b. New Day – Fall of Man to Big E.

Roman Reigns b. Luke Harper – Spear

Big Show b. Erick Rowan – Chokeslam

Paige b. Cameron – PTO

Jimmy Uso vs. Tyson Kidd went to a no contest when Rusev interfered

Seth Rollins b. Dolph Ziggler – Curb Stomp

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of Saturday Night’s Main Event at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SATPVKW

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6