Monday Nitro #222
Date: January 10, 2000
Location: Marine Midland Arena, Buffalo, New York
Attendance: 8,990
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, Mike Tenay

How can this already be the last Nitro before Souled Out? With all the nonsense that goes on around here these days, it’s very hard to keep up with the time frame. It doesn’t help that they keep changing things around as Russo continues to lose influence. Oddly enough that loss has power has coincided with my headaches subsiding after these shows. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Terry Funk getting beaten up over and over by the NWO. Suddenly Ric Flair is the smartest man in wrestling.

Terry Funk, Larry Zbyszko, Arn Anderson and Paul Orndorff arrive. This is really their big solution to Goldberg’s injury? A lineup of wrestlers who were veterans eight years earlier?

Tag Team Titles: Dean Malenko/Perry Saturn vs. Kidman/Konnan vs. David Flair/Crowbar

Flair and Crowbar are defending. Falls count anywhere, likely due to this being close to ECW territory. The Animals and Revolution start brawling before the champions get out here so David and Crowbar are late to the fight. With Shane sitting in on commentary and demanding to only be referred to as the Franchise, Crowbar lays Kidman out with a sitout gordbuster.

It’s time to get the weapons and they might as well start piping in the ECW chants already. Flair and Crowbar take over with their weapons as the Revolution destroys Rey in the aisle. In the insanity, Douglas and Malenko put Mysterio on a table so Saturn can channel his inner New Jack for a splash from the balcony. Saturn is broken in half (though nowhere near as badly as Rey) so David comes over and pins him to retain.

Rating: E. I think you know what that stands for. Let’s see: no wrestling in sight, a bunch of weapons, falls count anywhere, a huge dive out of the balcony through someone on a table. As usual, WCW has no idea what it’s trying to be so it just rips off another promotion’s ideas step for step.

Tony tells us that Terry Funk is booking the show on the fly tonight so they have no idea what the matches will be. I actually kind of like the idea as they often make matches throughout the night so why not just admit that you’re doing it?

Recap of Harlem Heat splitting. That would be the 2000 split in case you’re confused with all the other splits they’ve had over the years.

The NWO gives Scott Steiner some women of questionable character for a birthday present.

We look back at the ending to the opener. Mysterio leaves in an ambulance, along with the Animals.

Steiner goes into a room with three of the women, promising the rest will have a turn later.

Here’s Oklahoma to continue his anti-woman crusade. Oh geez can we go back to the New Jack imitations? He insults women and wants them all to stay in the kitchen where they belong, except for an open challenge right now.

Oklahoma vs. Asya

Well who else was it going to be? She shoves him down and knocks off his hat so Oklahoma nails her from behind, knocking it out to the floor. Asya slams him down and here’s Madusa, with blue hair, as Oklahoma nails Asya with a bottle of barbecue sauce. Madusa takes a broom to the head and Oklahoma takes the belt.

Juventud Guerrera, Psychosis, Kidman, Rey Mysterio, Dean Malenko, Lenny Lane, La Parka. There’s no reason I’m listing these names off. They just happened to come to my mind.

Here are Funk, Zbyszko, Anderson and Orndorff with something to say. Funk says Nash’s powerbomb on Thunder is nowhere near enough and he pulled these three men off the unemployment line to help him fight this battle. They’re the Old Age Outlaws (egads) but they’re more than young enough to take care of the NWO.

Arn talks about wanting to get some revenge the old fashioned way, Zbyszko bores the crowd by talking about tradition and Orndorff talks about the talent from the Power Plant that he helped train. Why the Power Plant guys aren’t in this spot isn’t exactly clear. It’s also not clear why this story continues as the crowd is eerily silent.

Cue the NWO to make the obvious old jokes. Nash is looking forward to being the Commissioner on Sunday but Funk says he’s still in charge tonight. Like for instance, tonight Jarrett, in a Tennessee Titans jersey for some cheap heat, is going to be in three matches: a regular match, a Bunkhouse Brawl and a cage match. The title won’t be on the line or anything, but I guess that’s out of respect for Benoit. Speaking of Benoit, he’ll be refereeing all three matches, which will be against some of Funk’s close friends.

As for the rest of the NWO, Hart will defend against Nash and if they don’t fight, both guys are suspended for a year. Hart and Nash don’t mind the threat and say they’ll take the year off. You know, because they don’t care about wrestling. Steiner swears a lot, but since he isn’t cleared to wrestle, Funk is going to wash his mouth out with soap.

Let’s stop and take a look at this for a bit. Here’s what we have in this story:

NWO

Bret Hart – Debuted in the WWF in 1985, fifteen year veteran on the national stage

Kevin Nash – Debuted in WCW in 1990, ten year veteran on the national stage

Scott Steiner – Debuted in WCW in 1989, eleven year veteran on the national stage

Jeff Jarrett – Debuted in the WWF in 1993, seven year veteran on the national stage

Now let’s look at the old guys.

Old Age Outlaws

Terry Funk – 54, debuted in 1965, lost the NWA World Title twenty five years ago

Arn Anderson – 41, debuted in 1982, retired as a regular wrestled three years ago

Paul Orndorff – 50, debuted in 1976, retired as a regular wrestler four years ago, hit his peak thirteen years ago

Larry Zbyszko – 48, debuted in 1973, retired as a regular wrestler five years ago, hit his peak twenty years ago

So we have Terry Funk as the only active wrestler, with Larry Zbyszko probably being the healthiest as he retired from active competition in 1994 and has wrestled three matches since. Anderson and Orndorff can’t wrestle and Zbyszko didn’t, so we’re left with Terry Funk, who first retired in 1983, fighting the entire NWO. This is their main event storyline with Benoit as the young guy fighting the midcard champion instead of fighting for the World Title.

How is this supposed to appeal to younger fans? I get how the older generation would appeal to older fans or really big time fans, but even they can only hang with this for so long. The younger fans though see these old guys hogging the spots that the younger guys should be having.

Orndorff mentioned training eight people at the Power Plant. Why not bring them up? You have one of the best talkers of all time in Arn Anderson and two very good talkers in Funk and Orndorff. What WCW needed was a fresh batch of main event talent. You might even say they need a revolution to take over that part of the card.

Instead, guys like Benoit, Malenko, Saturn and Douglas are busy chasing Janitor Jim Duggan around and trying to make him denounce America because they view themselves as a sovereign nation and hate this country while Oklahoma is chasing the Cruiserweight Title and a freakshow tag team like David Flair and Crowbar holding the Tag Team Titles because David is nuts after something about his dad sleeping with Kimberly. Booker T. on the other hand is busy splitting up with Stevie Ray again.

There is no one to cheer for right now and the best solution is to bring in people who used to be over and have them give the rub to….themselves. Yeah Benoit is around and they mentioned him, but you don’t see them working together or helping each other out because the solution is to just have them talk about tradition, much like Vince McMahon did in the early days of his war against Steve Austin. That’s WCW’s big solution to get people to cheer: act like one of the greatest heel characters of all time against the cool heels. It’s like they’re taking every possible bad idea and running with it.

Post break, Funk tells Arn to go find someone.

Arn looks into a limo but finds Kimberly instead of whomever he was looking for.

Video on Page vs. Bagwell.

Gene calls out Page and Bagwell but the control room can be heard telling him that they need a bit more because the intro didn’t go long enough. Is that some massive rib that I just don’t get? That stuff only started when Russo arrived and I have no idea how it’s supposed to be interesting or how the production team could possibly be that inept. Anyway, Gene asks them to be civil for five minutes and we have a countdown clock on the screen.

They talk a lot of trash and Buff insists he and Kimberly are just friends. Apparently Buff and Kimberly have great sexual chemistry (Buff’s words) but Page has been hearing that Buff has been telling the boys that Kimberly has a sexy birthmark. That’s for Page’s eyes only, but Buff says everyone has seen it. That earns him a right hand to the jaw so Buff pulls out a police baton that he just happened to have with him. So much for the countdown clock.

Nash and Bret insist that they won’t sit down. I’m sure there won’t be a swerve whatsoever.

Arn finds another car.

Jeff Jarrett vs. ???

Benoit is guest referee and this is a Bunkhouse Brawl because this show can’t remember the match order Funk made fifteen minutes ago. The mystery opponent is…..George Steele, age 61 and with five nationally televised matches since 1988. Steele brings weapons to the ring and swings away to keep Jeff from getting in. George stops to eat a turnbuckle but gets guitared in the head. Not that it matters as Arn Anderson comes in and plants Jeff with a spinebuster to give George the pin. As in a single spinebuster is enough to pin the United States Champion. Benoit served no purpose here.

After a break, Jarrett tells Nash to throw Hart off the team.

Here’s Stevie Ray to tell Gene to leave so he can do the interview himself. He talks about the history of the team and how Booker won the TV Title because that’s all WCW wanted him to have (huh?). Stevie wants to fight his brother one on one on Sunday because the show is already named after Booker. This brings out Booker and Midnight with Booker saying he’ll never fight his brother. That earns him a slap to the face and Booker agrees to the match.

Arn goes to another car. I’m assuming these are Jarrett’s opponents.

Jeff Jarrett vs. ???

It’s Tito Santana, a spry 46 here and just six and a half years from wrestling on a major national stage, in El Matador gear. This is a Dungeon Match, meaning it’s pin, submission or your opponent leaving the ring. Jeff beats up Orndorff on the way to the ring and mocks the Buffalo Bills.

Tito takes over to start with a nice dropkick and the flying forearm before going after the knee. Jeff kicks him away and Tito has to try three times to jump over the top rope to the apron. I love Santana but this is just pitiful. Benoit and Jarrett argue before Jeff nails Santana with the Stroke, only to stop to argue with one of the Bills. The distraction lets Orndorff hit the piledriver (great looking one too) to give Tito the pin.

Here’s Tank Abbott to call out Doug Dillinger. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? It’s bad enough that we have to put up with this goon who Russo loves for no apparent reason but now we get the big showdown with the head of security? Abbott tells Dillinger to take a shot, Doug does, Tank drops him and Jerry Flynn comes out for the save.

I’m sure you already know the story of what’s going to happen to the World Title situation in the next few days. Tank Abbott was Russo’s big idea to get the World Title, straight off a feud with Doug Dillinger and Jerry Flynn. Putting Rick Steiner over Ric Flair back in 1988 looks BRILLIANT now.

Jimmy Snuka arrives. To save some space in the match, 56 here and other than a one off appearance at Survivor Series 1996, last appeared with a major national promotion (ECW was still regional during his run) in 1991. The youngest opponent for Jarrett tonight is a 46 year old who hadn’t wrestled in the WWF or WCW since 1993. The Revolution, the Filthy Animals, Booker, and any other young and talented wrestler aren’t important enough for this story.

Benoit is out cold in the back.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Jimmy Snuka

In a cage. Jeff hammers away to start and sends Snuka into the cage a few times. Cue referee Benoit but Jarrett shoves him away from the cage door. That earns Jarrett some chops and a whip into the cage but Jeff sends him into the buckle. Jeff goes outside and gets the guitar but Zbyszko and Orndorff come in to clean house. Snuka and Benoit go up to the top of the cage for a Superfly Splash and swan dive, giving Jimmy the pin.

Rating: N/A. This was a segment disguised as a match and yeah the dives looked cool, but Jeff’s concussion wasn’t so great. This would knock him out of the US Title match on Sunday, but at least we got three WWF legends out there in their old territory so Russo could relive his childhood. Having the US Champion lose three times in one night to three guys who won’t be there next week while getting beaten up by a bunch of guys who can’t/won’t wrestle a match is just the price you pay for Russo’s entertainment.

WCW World Title: Kevin Nash vs. Bret Hart

Bret is defending, but first of all we have to cut to the back where Funk actually does wash Steiner’s mouth out with soap. How Zbyszko and Orndorff managed to restrain Steiner isn’t clear. I’m so glad we got to see this segment. It just made the entire show. Bret is in an NWO shirt, tennis shoes and jean shorts. And he’s known for five moves? Dang who knew Cena stole so much from Bret?

Nash goes after him to start and drives knees in the corner but Bret comes back with right hands. This is already one of the longest matches Nash has had in weeks. A lot of choking ensues until Bret gets in a kick to the leg. Snake Eyes stops him again for two but a low blow puts Nash down again. Bret misses the middle rope elbow and both guys are down. The side slam plants Bret and Nash bails to the floor for a chair. Cue Arn with a steel pipe and a referee shirt to nail Nash in the back, which I think means a no contest.

Rating: D+. And that’s it for Bret as his concussions were so severe that he wouldn’t wrestle another match for over ten years. In true Bret fashion though, he carried Nash to a watchable match and worked at the leg a bit before the non-finish. This actually wasn’t terrible and was by far the longest main event in a few weeks.

Post match here’s Sid (remember him?) as the cage is lowered. Bret is planted with a chokeslam and powerbomb so Arn can do a fast three count. Funk comes out with a flaming branding iron to burn Nash right on the singlet to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. This show comes down to how do you like your bad booking. You can have total insane booking that makes absolutely no sense and goes so far off the rails that you forget you’re watching a wrestling show, or you can have the booking that appeals to the over 50 audience without a good payoff and the US Champion getting pinned three times in an hour and a half.

This show didn’t make me want to see Souled Out, as the majority of this episode was to build up two stories for Sunday, one of which will comprise three matches. The fact that it’s going to be two out of three falls wasn’t mentioned, but why should a little detail like that get in the way of seeing the US Champion lose three falls in a night? This company is in a creative free fall at the moment, but they seem to think they’re going the right way and everyone else is crazy.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

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Thunder
Date: January 6, 2000
Location: Civic Center, Florence, South Carolina
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Mike Tenay

It’s a new year and please, for the love of all things good and not made of Russo, make it be a new Thunder. Almost the only stories coming out of Nitro are new Tag Team Champions…..who had to run away so we could get to the NWO stuff, and the new commissioner…..who was beaten up by the NWO to end the show. Heaven forbid WCW let anyone new (as new as Commissioner Terry Funk could be) get over. Let’s get to it.

Clips from Nitro of the major stories.

The NWO drags Arn Anderson into the arena. Have they just had him held hostage for three days now? Why am I still surprised by these things?

Cruiserweight Title: Asya vs. Madusa

Well at least it’s not more man vs. woman. Madusa is defending and has Spice in her corner as part of a pairing that has never actually been explained. The interference (and the stupid) start before the match as Oklahoma comes out to do commentary because we need a four man booth.

Madusa grabs the ropes to block a dropkick as Oklahoma is ripping on Madusa for holding a man’s title when she should be at home cooking for her husband. So apparently Oklahoma will be portraying Jeff Jarrett in a feud that is nowhere near as interesting as Jarrett vs. Chyna. The Revolution distracts the referee so Saturn can jump Asya, allowing Madusa to hit the German suplex (Oklahoma: “A move originated by a man!”) to retain.

Madusa yells at Oklahoma and the Powers That Be and gets a barbecue sauce bottle broken over her head. Well at least that’s what the other announcers say happen because we have to see the Filthy Animals run in to save Asya. Why they’re saving Asya isn’t clear as their teams were feuding, but it makes as much sense as anything else.

The announcers run down the card.

Juventud Guerrera and Psychosis come out with the former doing his Rock imitation and throwing Schiavone out of the commentary booth.

Here’s Terry Funk to beat up the luchadors and give Tony his seat back. I’m so glad they wasted that minute on an angle (if that qualified as an angle) that was over as soon as it started. Funk says the NWO can do this the easy way by bringing Arn Anderson out here right now, or the hard way by making him deal with it himself. Jarrett comes out, swears a bit, and says they’ll be out here in an hour.

Saturn tells the Filthy Animals to be, and I quote, “like a midget at a urinal: on their toes.” Before they get much further, Juventud runs in and takes over the interview from Gene. So is Juvy just there to make Russo and Ferrara chuckle at this point?

The NWO beats up Arn Anderson. This angle would work so much better with Flair than Funk, but can you blame Flair for not wanting to get destroyed in the Carolinas all over again for the sake of putting over the NWO?

Gene brings out Booker T for a chat about Stevie Ray’s actions. Booker brings up Stevie’s injury and how he needed someone to watch his back. The only person that would was Midnight, and Stevie needs to accept that Midnight is going to be around. Stevie comes out and says Midnight isn’t ready because she’s cost him four matches. He wants a match with Midnight tonight, and if Stevie wins, Midnight is gone. If Midnight wins though, Harlem Heat is back together with Midnight as a member. You can see the other booking hands getting in on these stories as this, while not very interesting, is completely logical.

David Flair, Crowbar and Daffney are watching on a monitor as the NWO pours hot coffee on Anderson. At what point are these guys arrested? Flair looks concerned.

PG-13/Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. 3 Count

That’s quite the odd pairing. We’re promised a 3 Count concert after the match. Well I’m sold. Shannon can’t hit a Fameasser on Chavo to start so it’s off to Shane and JC. Evan gets bored on the apron and springboards in with a dropkick before decking Chavo and diving onto Wolfie. Everything breaks down and Chavo hits Shannon’s tornado DDT, only to have Shane hit him with the green circle for the win. Nothing match, but what are you expecting from a minute and a half long six man tag?

We get the concert, making this by far and away the most entertaining show of the year so far.

David walks away from his partners.

Funk beats up security for not finding Arn. He’s kind of got a point actually.

The Wall vs. Jerry Flynn

This is a shoot fight because that’s what wrestling fans tune in to see: boring wrestlers pretending to shoot on each other. Tank Abbott comes out and to watch because he’s still employed for reasons I don’t understand. Wall dominates to start but Flynn comes back with his limited assortment of kicks. Jerry takes it outside and whips him into the barricade before slugging away back inside. Back in and Jerry strikes even more but stops to yell at Abbott, earning him a shot to the back of the head, giving Wall the pin. More worthless stuff as people with no business on TV get pushed.

Abbott beats up Wall and Doug Dillinger post match.

David finds Funk.

US Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Norman Smiley

Bunkhouse Brawl with Jeff defending. Smiley’s Hardcore Title is off to the side for reasons unclear but it might have something to do with the shoulder pads he’s wearing. He bails to the floor to start so Jeff throws a trashcan at his head to take over. Smiley is sent into a chair and screams a lot but finally fights back with a trashcan lid and a kendo stick shot. Norman doesn’t want to cover due to fear and a guitar shot sets up the Stroke to retain. Another two and a half minute gimmick match.

Post match David and Terry come out and choke Jarrett with the crowbar as Terry demands the NWO get out here. After a break, the NWO brings out Anderson and Nash has a challenge: a match with Funk at Souled Out with the Commissioner’s job on the line. Funk agrees if it’s a one on one hardcore match with the NWO banned from ringside.

On top of that, he wants a hardcore match against Bret for the title tonight, even though he cares more about hurting Bret than winning the belt. Notice how he worded that: he doesn’t say the title is worthless like Goldberg did to Rick Steiner with the TV Title, but that there’s something he wants more. Bret agrees and threatens to kill Funk tonight. That’s so far outside something Bret would normally say and it doesn’t work coming from him. Hart suggests a swap of Jarrett for Anderson, but Arn can’t help but get in a shot at Jarrett, earning him a ball bat shot from Bret.

Disco sells his Rolex to pay off some of his debt to the Mafia.

Stevie Ray yells at Funk for no apparent reason.

Midnight vs. Stevie Ray

No Booker at ringside. After appearing in the ring, Midnight dropkicks Stevie into the corner and slugs away, only to eat a clothesline and some right hands. A slam and elbow get two on Midnight with Stevie pulling up off the cover. He does the same thing after a back elbow but stops to stare at the camera in an unintentionally (I think?) funny spot. We hit the chinlock for a bit before Stevie forearms Midnight down again.

There’s a side slam and Stevie loads up the slapjack, but Booker runs out to say this has to be a fair match. Stevie actually agrees and powerslams Midnight for no cover as he checks her arm instead. That’s the mating call of a wacky finish though as Midnight rolls him up for the surprise pin.

Rating: D. The match had a goofy finish but at least it wasn’t the most illogical thing in the world. Russo’s booking gets annoying when you have stuff come out of nowhere and doesn’t have any kind of foundation. Stevie letting her up time after time and then getting caught in his arrogance was set up over the course of the match and was paid off at the end. That’s far better storytelling than almost anything else Russo does, which makes me think he isn’t in charge of this story.

Kidman and Konnan introduce Okerlund to a good looking blonde, who I believe is Pamela Paulshock. She immediately gets on my nerves by calling Gene sexy. Gene Okerlund has never been sexy in his life. Stop these lies.

Back from a break with Gene calling out Page for a chat. Page denies Kimberly cheating with Buff but says Bagwell did hit on her. He’d like Bagwell out here right now but only gets him to the stage. We get sex jokes, gay jokes, and low testicular fortitude jokes, triggering a big brawl.

The Artist still won’t record. This isn’t going anywhere is it?

Juvy does the interview with Bam Bam Bigelow as Gene is talking to Paulshock. Before they get anywhere, Kanyon blasts Bigelow with a champagne bottle.

Kevin Nash vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

And never mind as Bigelow is down on the stage where Steiner and Jarrett get him into a wheelbarrow. Nash hits Bigelow with a ball bat and the match (yes this was a match) is over in 22 seconds. I guess the multiple matches on Monday were enough for Nash this week.

Tag Team Titles: Konnan/Kidman vs. Crowbar/David Flair

David/Crowbar won the titles on Monday in the ridiculous tournament. David comes out with his belt on backwards because he’s crazy you see. Crowbar hammers on Kidman to start, meaning they’re already wising up by keeping Flair on the apron. A back elbow to the jaw puts Kidman down but YOU STILL CAN’T POWERBOMB CROWBAR EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE HAVE DONE IT AND THIS JOKE IS OLD. Off to David for a suplex as we get the old standard Schiavone hype for basic moves.

Crowbar comes in with a springboard missile dropkick and a guillotine legdrop for two with Konnan making the save. I had forgotten who Kidman’s partner was until then. Kidman counters another powerbomb (oh come on now Crowbar. Even you aren’t that crazy) but David breaks up the shooting star. Crowbar tries a top rope hurricanrana but Rey grabs Kidman’s leg to make the save. Cue a limping Arn Anderson as Konnan comes in to clean house. In the melee, Anderson hits Konnan with the crowbar to give Flair the pin.

Rating: D+. Totally watchable match while Kidman and Crowbar were in there but it’s clear that Flair just isn’t all that good. The Anderson stuff is getting annoying as they’re beating this story into our heads, but unfortunately they’re wasting the Tag Team Titles on this. Maybe the Revolution and Filthy Animals could be fighting over the belts, but we need them on another team that doesn’t deserve them so we can see David Flair in the ring.

The Revolution comes out and beats down the Animals again.

Terry Funk vs. Bret Hart

Non-title hardcore match. Bret is in shorts instead of ring gear and hammers Funk to the floor early on. Terry starts throwing in the chairs as is his customs but Bret throws him face first into one of them and nails Funk with the bat. They both head outside with Terry taking a chair to the head. All Bret so far. Back in and Funk gets in a few left hands and takes it right back outside for a chair to Bret’s shoulder.

Terry sends him into the cart of weapons but misses the moonsault onto a trashcan onto Bret, allowing the champ to blast him in the head with another chair. Hart Pillmanizes the leg and knocks the referee down (why?), so let’s cut to Arn Anderson putting on a referee’s shirt. David Flair comes in and asks to take the spot instead, which Arn reluctantly allows. Cue the NWO with the bats to Funk and Nash decks David. Nash Jackknifes Funk through the stage to end the show.

Rating: F+. A match? You think this was a match? I’ll skip complaining about how horrible this was as you took Bret Hart and Terry Funk and put them in a street fight instead of anything resembling a wrestling match because ratings are going to plummet if you don’t have some kind of violence right? Also, this is twice since Funk has debuted as commissioner that he’s been beaten down to end the show. Flair had this one right all the way.

Overall Rating: F+. The wrestling still sucks, but they’re moving tiny steps in the right direction. Look at the Harlem Heat story for example: there’s finally some logic to it and you can tell what’s going on without needing to take notes. The main event makes sense too, as poor as the wrestling has been. We’re transitioning into the boring period instead of the crazy stuff, which makes me sigh and wonder what else is on instead of wanting to steal plutonium to go back in time and bash Russo’s head in with a pipe wrench. They’re moving in the right direction, but it’s WAY too late to make things right at this point.

That’s it for Thunder on Thursdays as it only took four months for Smackdown to run them out of their time slot.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XOUNBEA

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #221
Date: January 3, 2000
Location: BiLo Center, Greenville, South Carolina
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

It’s a new year and in the best present WCW could give us, the show is back to two hours instead of the usual three. The big story this week is the rest of the Tag Team Title tournament with all the random and wacky teams and the rest of the field being filled out by regular teams who were “randomly” paired together. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of last week. Why must I be forced to think of that mess again?

A jet landed at the airport today. I’d assume a lot of those land every day but for some reason this is supposed to be interesting.

Tag Team Title Tournament Quarterfinals: Harris Brothers vs. Buzzkill/Mike Rotundo

Sullivan makes Leia Meow jump on a trampoline for obvious reasons. Rotundo goes after let’s say Ron to start and eats a powerslam and clothesline for his efforts. Off to Buzzkill for a forearm, but Ron comes back with a big old side slam. It’s big enough that it almost knocks Buzzkill’s hair off. Don comes in to hammer away as Standards and Practices come out and get rid of Leia, drawing the Varsity Club out to the floor. The H Bomb ends Buzzkill in a short match.

We look back at the monster truck stuff last week which has damaged Sid’s neck.

A motorcade is leaving the airport.

There’s going to be a new commissioner tonight.

Nash thinks Tom Zenk is getting the job.

Bret arrives and gets beaten down by Sid, wearing a neck brace.

Diamond Dallas Page is ready for his match against Buff Bagwell but Curt Hennig comes up and tells him the Powers That Be want him in the ring tonight. PG-13 is in the ring right now and that’s fine with Page.

Tag Team Title Tournament Quarterfinals: PG-13 vs. Scott Steiner/Kevin Nash

Steiner is Hall’s official replacement because there are a lot of people named Scott in this company. PG-13 is in the ring doing their rap, so here’s Page to lay them both out with Diamond Cutters. Here’s the NWO with Nash dropping an elbow on Wolfie and pulling the tights for the pin. It’s going to be one of those kind of shows, but at least it’s two hours.

Here’s the NWO to complain about now getting any respect and having to be attacked by Sid. Jarrett: “Slappy New Year!” Jeff isn’t worried about Triple Threat Theater with Benoit and doesn’t have much to say about it. Nash warns the new commissioner that the NWO is going to keep breaking the rules as they always have. Steiner jokes about his retirement and thinks all his fans are Wall Street types. This actually wasn’t that bad.

The motorcade arrives.

Tag Team Title Tournament Quarterfinals: David Flair/Crowbar vs. Lash Leroux/Midnight

Lash does a cross sign at Daffney in a funny bit. The bad night continues for Lash as Midnight appearing in the ring freaks him out even more. David and Lash get things going with Stevie Ray sitting in on commentary. Flair is easily knocked around the ring because he’s just not that good. It’s off to Crowbar who eats a drop toehold to send him to the floor, only to have him slide back inside where he accidentally baseball slides David.

Stevie tells Lash to tag Midnight in and gets what he deserves, thereby lowering Lash’s sucka levels for the rest of the match. Midnight throws Lash onto Crowbar and nails a nice dropkick, only to have Stevie pull Midnight out to the floor. Cue Disco, Tony Marinara and Disco as we now have more people interfering than in the match. Booker yells at his brother and takes a Slapjack to the head as Leroux hits Whiplash on Crowbar. As the referee yells at Harlem Heat, Vito and Johnny come in and lay out Lash, giving Crowbar the pin.

Rating: D-. Here’s a spoiler for the rest of the show: this match, which ran 5:15, is the longest match on the entire show. Also, in a match just over five minutes long, six people interfered, giving us three stories (Mafia vs. Lash, Harlem Heat splitting, the match itself) in one match. I know we get on Russo for overbooking but come on man. Calm down for like a minute please.

Lash yells at Disco in the back but Disco says he has to deal with the Family, who come in and attack Lash as Disco has to look on.

Here’s Luger Luger, still dressed as Sting and yes, this is really WCW’s best idea to fight Raw. Luger talks about Sting being afraid of him and wants the no name wrestler to come out here and face him.

Total Package vs. Tank Abbott

Stalling by Luger leads into the mace from Liz for the DQ in less than a minute. But remember, Luger is a veteran and therefore still a draw.

Jerry Flynn comes out and beats up Abbott with less than no one caring.

The NWO takes their ball bats to the limo.

Rob Garner of the WCW front office comes out to talk about the “writers” “swerving” WCW and how Sting and Goldberg are currently out of commission. Therefore, let’s bring in someone new to help fight the NWO. That brings us to the new commissioner: Terry Funk. Yes, the big solution to the NWO is to bring in a guy who first retired about sixteen years earlier.

Now don’t get me wrong: Terry Funk is awesome and one of the best wrestlers and performers of all time, but this is not the right move in this spot. This needed to be someone young who could be a future for WCW, not another legend who shows up, basically in the same role as Piper.

Anyway, Funk says he loves wrestling and wants to get rid of these fat hogs at the trough. To do this, he needs an enforcer, and who better than Arn Anderson? Anderson gives his usual great speech about putting the heart back in wrestling, but the WE WANT FLAIR chants almost drown him out. Cue the NWO so Hart can offer Funk a spot on the team. Terry shrugs it off and makes some new stipulations for Hart vs. Goldberg. Wait didn’t they officially cancel that last week? It wouldn’t be the first time they lied about a match they had coming up so why not do it here too?

The match will have Arn as guest referee and the title can change hands on a DQ. As for tonight, it’s Jeff defending the US Title against Sid in a powerbomb match. Oh and Nash and Steiner will indeed get screwed in their matches tonight. Nash threatens David Flair and we’re done here.

Tag Team Title Tournament Quarterfinals: Buff Bagwell/Chris Kanyon vs. Norman Smiley/Asya

Buff and Kanyon argue over how awesome this town is because Kanyon thinks it’s not Hollywood. Kanyon offers him some champagne so Buff, the hero that he is, breaks the bottle over Kanyon’s head. That’s a great way to advance in a title tournament Buff. Norman is dressed as a mascot of the local baseball team, complete with a three foot long tail, which is shaken in Buff’s general direction.

Buff doesn’t take kindly to Norman mocking his strut and nails him with a clothesline, only to have Asya knee him in the back. We get the spanking dance from Norman before it’s off to Asya, who is quickly suplexed down by Bagwell. Everything breaks down and Asya hits Buff low, only to have Norman accidentally hit her with the mascot head. A Blockbuster sends Buff on his own (presumably) to the semifinals.

Rating: D-. Comedy ladies and gentlemen! This is what you get when you have no reason for these teams to be fighting and you just throw them together and have no chemistry or time to go anywhere. It doesn’t help that neither team even tried to do more than comedy spots to get to the ending. Couple that with Kanyon not even being in the match and what were you expecting here?

The Revolution comes in to beat up Buff, drawing down Duggan for a failed save attempt. The Filthy Animals come out for the real save.

The old guys and the NWO look for David.

Funk and Anderson find Daffney in the boiler room.

Tag Team Title Tournament Semifinals: Kevin Nash/Scott Steiner vs. Harris Brothers

You know, in a decent company, this could be a watchable power match. Again Steiner sits in on commentary and lets Nash do the match himself. The twins double team Nash until he gets a ball bat. They obviously run away from the combined force of the bat and the hair, only to have the Varsity Club come in and chair them down. Sullivan throws Don back in and Nash pins him in less than a minute and a half.

Jarrett kidnaps Daffney.

Tag Team Title Tournament Semifinals: Buff Bagwell/Chris Kanyon vs. David Flair/Crowbar

Kanyon comes out for no logical reason, only to get jumped by Bam Bam Bigelow and slammed off the stage. This brings out Vampiro, who is apparently going to be Buff’s partner whether Bagwell likes it or not. Vampiro starts with some spinning kicks to put Crowbar down but Buff tags himself in. Cue Anderson and Funk to talk to David because he’s not doing anything important right now.

Vampiro superplexes Crowbar down and Buff tells Vampiro to stay in for the finish. There’s a Ligerbomb to Crowbar but Vampiro stops to argue with Anderson because it’s the least logical thing possible right now. Funk punches Vampiro in the face and Buff adds a Blockbuster to his partner, again for no apparent reason, allowing David to get the pin to go to the finals.

Rating: F. This was a circus with the partners basically saying screw the tag belts because we want to do stupid stuff instead. I’ve completely lost track of what’s going on with Bagwell (feuding with Page I believe), Vampiro (feuding with no one that I know of) and almost everyone else in this company. The sad part: I really don’t care what they’re doing either.

The NWO drags Daffney out so Steiner can call her ugly.

Flair and Crowbar can’t find Daffney.

US Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Sid Vicious

Powerbomb match and Sid is in a neck brace. He shoves Jeff away to start and kicks away, only to have Jarrett go right for the neck. A backdrop puts the big guy on the floor and Jeff rams him into the barricade. Back in and a high cross body gets two for Jeff but Sid powers out and nails a big boot, followed by the chokeslam. The champ shoves the referee down of course and Sid hits the powerbomb, only to have Bret come in with the ball bat for the DQ.

Standard beatdown and spray painting follows.

Tag Team Titles: Kevin Nash/Scott Steiner vs. David Flair/Crowbar

Steiner and Nash clean house to start and I have no idea who to cheer for here. There’s no referee to start and Steiner sits in on commentary to say the opponents suck. Nash slams Crowbar off the top and pokes him in the eye as this has been completely one sided so far. A double noggin knocker puts Flair and Crowbar down again but here come Terry Funk and Arn Anderson in a referee shirt. Crowbar gets jackknifed as security and Funk yell at Steiner. The distraction lets Crowbar hit Nash with a crowbar, giving David the pin and the titles.

Rating: F. It’s the slip on the banana peel ending as this was just a beating until the wacky ending. In other words, Russo probably thought it was great and the wrestlers loved it too as they didn’t have to do much. This wasn’t a match and that really shouldn’t surprise me at this point.

Post match Jeff Jarrett drags Daffney to the ring as David hits Anderson with the crowbar. The new champs stumble away and the NWO swarms Funk. Bret and Jeff kidnap Anderson and throw him in the trunk of a car to end the show. The new champs were complete afterthoughts here.

Overall Rating: F. So tonight we had seven tournament matches. Those matches combined to run less than nineteen minutes, for an average of about two minutes and forty seconds each. If you take away the marathon match that ran over five minutes, you’re looking at six matches taking less than fifteen minutes combined. There were two other matches on this show: Tank Abbott in a match with literally no wrestling and a two minute powerbomb match which ended in a DQ. They’ve taken the wrestling out of this show and now I’m really not sure what Nitro is supposed to be. At least it’s shorter now I guess.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Monday Nitro #220
Date: December 27, 1999
Location: Houston Astrodome, Houston, Texas
Attendance: 16,640
Commentators: Bobby Heenan, Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone

We’re finally done with this year and it’s not a moment too soon. While Thunder was better, last week’s Nitro may have been the worst show I’ve ever seen. The NWO is on top again but, due to Goldberg punching a limo, they don’t have a top opponent to deal with so things are a big complicated. Let’s get to it.

We open with a clip from Thunder of Goldberg clearing out the NWO.

The NWO walks through the back until the director tells them it’s clear.

Opening sequence.

Tenay tells us about Goldberg shredding a tendon in his arm and already undergoing surgery.

If that’s not enough, here’s a major update: WCW Senior Executive Vince President Bill Busch is sick Ferrara and Russo’s direction (Tony uses their real names here) and if Scott Hall doesn’t show up by 7pm tonight, the Tag Team Titles are vacated. That time has come and gone, so the Powers That Be have booked (his word) a Lethal Lottery Tag Team Title tournament to start this week and end next week. So the big boss is sick of the booking but is letting the bookers keep going. Makes as much sense as anything else around here.

Apparently Scott Steiner has had another back surgery and his career is probably over. That sounds like a swerve.

Brian Knobbs vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Kanyon is at ringside and has a wireless mic on. Bigelow goes after him to start but Knobbs gets in a trashcan shot to take over. The announcers ask Kanyon about a title belt he had with him on Thursday as Bigelow and Knobbs fight into the crowd and we hit the ECW production style. Kanyon tells the marks in the crowd to move as he follows them, which is in no way, shape or form like the time Road Dogg did this for Al Snow vs. Big Boss Man in a hardcore match in the WWF. You can’t see a thing going on but apparently Knobbs pins Bigelow. Seriously you could see their arms and that’s about it.

Sid arrives with Benoit.

There’s a monster truck in the back.

The NWO has JJ Dillon in a chair and Nash throws the Tag Team Title on a table. Bret knees JJ in the ribs and that’s it.

The NWO looks at the monster truck, which has an NWO logo on the side. They walk a few feet away and find Sid’s still running car.

Here’s Sid to yell about the NWO. Sid knows that he, Goldberg and Benoit have to watch each others’ backs with the NWO around stabbing everyone in the back. I can barely understand what Sid is saying but I think he wants to beat up all four members of the NWO. What happened to Goldberg is unfortunate, but it’s time for Sid to step up to the plate and go after the World Title. Sid promises to powerbomb Bret through the ring at Souled Out so I guess that’s the main event.

Benoit comes out to join Sid (with a much clearer voice) and talks about wanting to get his hands on the Chosen One Jeff Jarrett. The last few weeks have made Benoit lose all respect for Jeff Jarrett and at Souled Out, Benoit will let out some of the frustration. He wants something called Triple Threat Theater, which means a 2/3 falls match with different rules for each fall.

Up first is a Dungeon Rules match, meaning pinfall or submission only with no rope breaks and if you leave the ring, you lose the match. Second would be a Bunkhouse Brawl, or street fight. Finally, it’s Caged Heat, which means the Cell. Jarrett is the Chosen One to be lead to the slaughter. Cool idea actually.

We cut to the back where the NWO has spray painted Sid’s car, complete with Bret’s caricature of Sid on the hood. He’s not a bad artist.

ZZ Top is here.

Sid and Benoit find the car and aren’t happy.

Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: Buzzkill/Mike Rotundo vs. Dean Malenko/Konnan

Buzzkill is now a full on Road Dogg knockoff, complete with the same hook to open his song. “It’s me, it’s me, it’s that B-U-Double Z.” Also, WE’VE GOT WACKY TAG PARTNERS!!! Dean and Mike get things going and hit the mat for what could be an entertaining exchange. It’s quickly off to Konnan vs. Buzzkill with Konnan taking over, only to have Dean deck his partner. Everyone gets in a fight as Jim Duggan comes in to lay out Dean with the 2×4 to give Buzzkill the pin to advance.

Jarrett and Hart pull the power to the production truck and the feed cuts out. Ok then.

Back with the picture a bit snowy and a white limo arriving, containing Scott Steiner who is met by Rick Steiner with a wheelchair.

The NWO destroys catering. Is there a point to this coming anytime soon?

Tank Abbott vs. Shane

Shane is in dress clothes and gets knocked out in less than a minute. He must have tried to get $20 out of Tank for a posed picture.

Career retrospective on Scott Steiner.

Rick wheels Scott out to the ring to the old Steiner Brothers theme. Can we just get to the swerve that WE NEVER SAW COMING already? A tearful Scott tells a story of his doctor telling him that his back will never heal and he’s going to have to retire. Scott cries about never being able to wrestle his brother again and asks for the fans to say a prayer for him.

Before the Steiners can leave, here’s the NWO. Bret wants a washed up nobody like Scott out of the ring, but to be honest, Scott was never that good anyway. You would think Rick would come out to protect his brother here. There are things more important than Scott Steiner, like the fact that Bret still has his belt. Jeff pretends to cry over Steiner’s announcement so Nash takes over the talking. A tech guy tries to send them to a commercial so Jarrett blasts him with a guitar.

Back with the NWO still in the ring because that’s what this show is about anymore. Nash isn’t cool with someone taking their bats. On top of that, they’re not cool with Bill Busch trying to interfere, so stay in your office and let them handle the wrestling stuff. He promises that Nash will be here tonight to wrestle in Houston. As for Goldberg, the game is about to become deadly. Bret thinks it’s 4-0 Hitman over Goldberg so Goldberg can consider himself stopped.

That brings Bret to Sid, who will be destroyed even worse than his car. Jarrett rips on the town a bit as this segment just keeps going. Benoit is on for his Triple Threat Theater at Souled Out….and here are Sid and Benoit in the car with ball bats. This brings in Curt Hennig of all people to get beaten down by Benoit and Sid as the sacrificial lamb. Sid throws him onto the hood of the car.

Hennig is put in an ambulance after a break.

Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: Harlem Heat vs. Midnight/Lash Leroux

What are the odds??? Booker and Lash get things going with Leroux getting two off a victory roll but walking into a Rock Bottom for the same. Stevie comes in and hammers Lash with a vengeance before slamming him down. Off to Midnight and it’s time for something resembling a showdown. Stevie runs Midnight over with a clothesline and looks away, leaving Midnight to nip up.

A snap suplex to Stevie is treated like Hogan slamming Andre and Booker tags himself in. Booker can’t bring himself to kick Midnight in the face and they do a very light sequence with Booker not wanting to hurt her. Midnight takes a backbreaker and Stevie is livid. He pulls out the slapjack and nails all three people in the match with Lash falling on Booker for the pin. That would be two matches with a weapon shot and brawling partners.

Rating: D-. Another storyline disguised as a match. I’m not sure why we needed to see yet another Harlem Heat split. More importantly than that though, this was a clear indication that we’re going to be sitting through wacky tag partners and screwy finishes for all eight matches tonight because that’s all Russo knows how to book. These sort of things can be done well with Starrcade 1991 as proof, but Russo isn’t good enough to figure out something as simple as “let them wrestle.”

The Scream mask guy attacks Chavo.

The Revolution is at the Washington Monument and Shane wants to ask an average American a history quiz. Shane rips on the guy for not knowing that it’s the anniversary of the Monument going up. I’m not sure what the point of this was supposed to be.

Some Power Plant students are in the front row. Chuck Palumbo, Elix Skipper, Mike Sanders and Reno among others are visible.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Jerry Flynn

Flynn is in street clothes because it’s more realistic or something. No announcement or teasing a World Title match and it’s given the treatment that a TV Title match might receive. Tony announces Bill Busch deciding that the title can change hands on a DQ at Souled Out. Bret hammers him into the corner to start and runs the eyes across the top rope.

They head outside with Jerry whipping the champ into the barricade, drawing out Jarrett and Nash. Back in and Jerry fires off kicks in the corner but eats a DDT. Another spinning kick drops Bret but Nash distracts the referee, allowing Jarrett to come in with a ball bat to set up the Sharpshooter to retain the title.

Rating: F. Jerry Flynn in street clothes just gave Bret Hart a run for his money in a bad match with the NWO having to save the title in an unannounced match in the middle of the second hour of the show. This company really doesn’t have any idea what they’re doing do they?

Flynn gets the NWO treatment. He might have worn the street clothes so he doesn’t have any paint on his skin. The NWO leaves but Tank Abbott comes out and knocks Flynn out again. Your would be WCW World Champion a month from now people.

The Revolution is at the Library of Congress and Saturn pulls out his copy of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Nash is on the phone with Hall but theme music muffles the chat.

Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: PG-13 vs. Rick Steiner/Berlyn

PG-13 is wearing Houston Oilers jerseys (team that recently left town) and rap about how they don’t care if people don’t like them. Rick shakes his head to start as Berlyn spinwheel kicks Wolfie. Tony reads out the most beautiful announcement I’ve ever heard: Nitro returns to two hours next week. PG-13 double teams Berlyn and stomps him in the middle of the ring as I’m just waiting on the WACKY way someone will advance. Rick gets the hot tag and cleans house with Steiner Lines before planting both of them upside down on the buckles. Berlyn walks out and a belly to belly is enough to pin Wolfie.

Rick keeps beating them up and the decision is reversed. In other words, the newcomers are left laying but advance on a technicality. As stupid as WCW has become, it’s good to know that some things never change.

Saturn comes up to Duggan and says they’re teaming together tonight against Norman Smiley and Asya. Apparently it’s mutually beneficial if they win. Well yeah that’s normally how a tag match works. I can’t do this line justice, so here’s Saturn’s statement verbatim: “Besides, brother, as optically challenged as we are, there’s no way that jacked up hootchie or that sissy in a football uniform can blindside us if we stand side by side.” Again, Saturn is the best part of this show and fits in perfectly because he makes just as little sense as the booking.

The Revolution rants about the White House and Bill Clinton and kidnap a guy in a Clinton mask. Somehow this is more effective than their last few weeks of material.

Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: Asya/Norman Smiley vs. Perry Saturn/Jim Duggan

Duggan’s family is at ringside as he beats up Saturn before the match starts. Norman gets in some easy shots, including the swinging slam. The spanking dance connects but Saturn breaks up the Big Wiggle with a suplex. Saturn slams him down and drops the top rope elbow onto the chest protector to hurt his own arm. Asya is tagged in and shoves Saturn from behind, followed by a low blow and clothesline. A superplex drops Saturn and Duggan drops a knee on his partner (complete with counting his own pin for reasons of dumb), allowing Norman to get the pin to advance.

Rating: D-. Can we go back to the part where the Powers That Be literally had the fourth wall broken and screw up everything in sight? I’m starting to think it might be easier to sit through than the night of the wacky tag team partners. This was another bad match with a screwy finish because that’s all we have here.

Duggan, the loser, brings his family in to celebrate.

US Title: Kidman vs. Jeff Jarrett

Kidman is challenging and gets jumped from behind to start. A hotshot stops Kidman’s comeback and the announcers ignore the match to talk about Triple Threat Theater. Jeff turns around and eats a Bodog and dropkick, only to catapult Kidman out to the floor to stop him again. Cue Nash and Hart because you think we can go a full half hour without the NWO? Kidman rolls through a high cross body for two but gets caught in a quick sleeper. Say it with me: Kidman reverses into one of his own for a few arm drops, followed by the BK Bomb for two.

That’s about it for the NWO not being the focus of the match though as Nash low bridges Kidman to the floor, only to have the Filthy Animals run in to lay out Jarrett with a crutch. It’s only good for two, but it draws one of the loudest reactions of the night. Jeff tries a powerbomb and gets the standard counter. Heenan: “I’ve never seen anything like that!” Kidman goes up top but takes a ball bat to the ankle, setting up the Stroke for the pin.

Rating: D+. This was one of the better matches of the night, but my goodness it’s ok to let a champion look strong instead of needing help all the time. It’s nowhere near as bad as the Jerry Flynn mess but at least let Jeff do his own cheating to win. Watchable match, partially due to getting some time, but it was too bogged down as usual.

Gene brings out Luger and Liz for a chat but Luger is dressed as Sting and comes out to Sting’s music. Luger imitates Sting and talks about how awesome Luger really is and how severe the beating Luger gave him was. The lights go out and come back on to show black roses in the ring. So yeah, this feud is CONTINUING.

Nash gives Hall directions over the phone.

Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: Ron Harris/Don Harris vs. Meng/Fit Finlay

I’m not even going to bother calling this stupid. Finlay and Meng fight so the Twins, ever so brilliant, attack them both. Just let them beat each other up then pin the scraps. Why is that so complicated? A double big boot puts the hardcore guys on the floor and they fight until it’s a countout to advance the Twins. This was, again, a waste of time.

David Flair and Daffney call themselves Natural Born Killers. That was a disturbing movie.

Here’s 3 Count to pick things up. They do their dance but Vampiro comes in and cleans house. As luck would have it, he and Evan are up next.

Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: Evan Karagias/Vampiro vs. David Flair/Maestro

Scratch that last team as Crowbar, who debuted last week, attacks Maestro in the aisle and takes his place. Sure why not. Ignore the fact that he worked at a gas station and has no wrestling license or training as far as WCW knows. Anyway he starts with a German suplex on Vampiro (good looking one too) before it’s off to David for a suplex (not so good looking one) of his own.

It’s so lame that Vampiro pops up and plants both psychos (yeah Vampiro is the sane one here) with a double DDT. A Rock Bottom to Crowbar allows Vampiro to make the hot tag to Evan, who is promptly knocked off the top and down onto Crowbar. Back inside with Vampiro “hitting” a top rope clothesline for two on David but the other 3 Count members get in to go after Vampiro. The partners implode but Vampiro fights both of them off with ease, setting up the Nail in the Coffin on David. No referee though as Crowbar nails Vampiro with a crowbar, giving David the pin.

Rating: F. This was the sixth match of eight tournament matches tonight and they’re now six for six in having at least one team implode. I know I say Russo only has a few ideas in different forms, but he’s done the same idea six times in less than three hours. Suddenly Oklahoma makes so much more sense.

3 Count loads up the song post match but Flair and Crowbar clean house. This brings out Lenny and Lodi as Standards and Practices, complete with the yet to be named Miss Hancock (Stacy Keibler) in a skirt shorter than your local vanilla midget. They promise to take Flair and Crowbar off TV if this violence keeps up. This of course earns them more violence.

Jarrett is told not to worry about Hall not being here yet.

Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: Disco Inferno/Big Vito vs. Buff Bagwell/Chris Kanyon

The Italians have Johnny the Bull and Tony Marinara with them. Everyone but Disco head to the floor to start before Kanyon slides back in, earning him some knees to the back. A Russian legsweep drops Disco but Kanyon heads back outside to get the Italians away from the girls. Kanyon leaves with the girls to split up ANOTHER tag team. Buff fights back but Vito nails him with a great looking superkick to take over again. Disco gets caught in a neckbreaker but there’s no partner (Tony: “Chris Champion Kanyon”) to tag. Disco accidentally hits Vito with a chain, setting up the Blockbuster for the pin.

Rating: D-. They’re seven for seven in teams splitting and almost half have had a weapon spot. I would ask if this was the best they could do, but yes, this really is the best they can do: the same match over and over and over. In a weird way, I’m actually hoping they manage to do it again one more time in the last match because it would be one of the most amazing things ever to see them do the exact same plot point eight times in one night.

Buff gets laid out post match.

Here’s the NWO to say Hall isn’t here yet but his arrival is imminent. Nash asks for a brief delay to let him get here.

Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: The Wall/Sid Vicious vs. Outsiders

Remember that Sid and Wall seemed to form a friendship last week. Nash gets in on his own and does a Hogan shirt rip to start against Wall. Kevin slugs away but Wall punches him down and scores with a belly to back suplex. Wall hits a big boot but Bret nails him in the back with a bat to let Nash take over. Sid chases Bret and Wall is suddenly putting Nash in a chinlock. He no sold a ball bat shot from the World Champion? Sid comes in and shoves the referee down before cleaning house, only to have Bret nail Wall with the bat for the pin to advance Nash.

Rating: F. He no sold a baseball bat shot. A shot from Liz put Sting out for months but Wall is back on offense fifteen seconds later? How can anyone actually think that’s acceptable? This was more NWO interference dominating the entire match with no one having a chance against the heel stable. And now I’m disappointed with the lack of the partners fighting. I was looking forward to that.

Benoit comes in to save Sid from a powerbomb but here comes a limping Scott Steiner (presumably the Scott that Nash has been meaning all night. I was hoping for Riggs) with a ball bat of his own….and of course he’s NWO because what else would he be? As usual, there’s no value to a scam that was set up and paid off in the span of two hours. NWO propaganda falls from the ceiling and an NWO banner is lowered. Sid car is brought out and Sid is put in the back. They drive him to the back where the monster truck crushes the car to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. Somehow, this is miles better than last week’s show. The wrestling was nothing special (Kidman vs. Jarrett was decent before it fell apart), the booking has been covered already, the ending was stupid, and this whole show was a mess. You can tell Russo has lost some authority though and that’s the best thing that could possibly happen to this company.

That’s it for WCW in 1999 and I don’t think there’s a need to explain all of the disasters in this company over the year. Here’s the most telling part though: the Fingerpoke of Doom is looking more and more like a high point every day. I’ll leave you with this: I’m fairly certain I’m right when I say this was the worst calendar year in the history of any wrestling promotion ever.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume III at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

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Thunder
Date: December 23, 1999
Location: Wicomico Civic Center, Salisbury, Maryland
Attendance: 4,000
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, Scott Hudson

On Monday, this company replaced wrestling with some weird shoot style which involves whatever Russo and Ferrara feeling like throwing out there being presented as the new reality. The big story was the reformation of the NWO because…..normally I would complain here but it was probably the most logical thing all night. I have no idea what I’m about to watch but let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Monday’s main story. The two minute version doesn’t make it any better than the three hour edition.

Tenay promises to prove that Thunder is special again.

Here’s the NWO to open things up and Tony is RIGHT THERE to tell us how strong the NWO really is. Bret brags about all the gold and says they couldn’t make this any more black and white. This has been in the works for over a month and the stupid wrestling fans never saw it coming. We see some clips of the Outsiders helping Bret out over the last few months with Bret conveniently never seeing a thing.

This is the one and only one thing I can give Russo some slack on: the big conspiracy stories don’t hold up if you know what to look for, so tying all this together probably did work a lot better when this show was airing live. Basically the NWO lead Goldberg and Benoit along so the four of them wound up with all the belts and it was a big swerve all along. It still doesn’t make up for Monday’s debacle or the holes in the logic, but at least it’s there. On the screwjob at Starrcade, Bret: “That was better than Shawn Michaels!”

Nash rips on the fans for only cheering the Outsiders because they wanted to be hip. They’re a bunch of $5 an hour workers who have no idea what it takes to be this great. They’ve never needed the people but they don’t mind taking the money. Hall says a bunch of stuff that has to be censored but Jeff cleans it up by declaring this crowd the first annual slapnuts convention. Again he declares himself the chosen one, which makes me wonder why he isn’t the World Champion.

Jeff: “No one saw it coming!” Hall: “I didn’t know where we were half the time.” This NWO is only going to be the elite, because once you’ve had the black, you never go back. That line is SO out of place from Jarrett. Cue Goldberg, who is quickly told he sucks. He’s going to rip the NWO’s hearts out and it’s not going to be who’s next but who’s left.

The announcers eat up time by running down the card. Tenay is lead announcer and Tony is playing second fiddle. That’s quite odd to see.

Token footage of Leia Meow stretching.

Two helmeted bikers arrive.

Benoit says he prefers life’s hard decisions because they require sacrifice. He modeled himself after Bret for living his life the way he believed it should be lived. That ended Monday, so tonight he’s taking Bret’s heart.

PG-13 vs. Varsity Club

Steiner and Rotundo here but first, a rap from PG-13. Leia is forced to exercise before the match and I’m sure you get the idea here. PG-13 gets beaten down to start and Steiner runs over JC Ice. Sullivan says the Varsity Club is too smart to get conned like Goldberg. A combination of clotheslines and Steiner Lines knock PG-13 into oblivion but the referee throws it out. Tenay says it’s a double DQ, even though PG-13 literally had no offense.

Wolfie D. is put in the Tree of Woe for a low blow from Meow. Who in the world thought these teams needed to be brought in?

David Flair beats up a fast food worker for not getting his order right.

Russo is yelling at Hennig in his office, which has been put back together but still has the damage from Piper. So they dragged the broken walls to the arena and set them back up? Hennig didn’t seem to know what was going on in the big scheme but here are the bikers to interrupt. It’s the Harris Twins who turn over Russo’s table and yell at him for screwing with their lives.

Here are the Filthy Animals and Jim Duggan with something to say. Eddie says the Animals are a lot of things but above all else, they’re Americans. The Revolution left them by the roadside but they’re back to knock the Revolution down. Kidman and Konnan say the same thing as Eddie, albeit in very, very different methods of speaking. Rey promises to beat the Revolution like the dogs they are.

Duggan of course says HO and USA. He wants to make the Revolution his personal HO so here’s the Revolution with Dean ranting about the flag of the Revelation (yes the Revelation because Dean doesn’t even care what stable he’s in). Saturn starts talking about Fred Flintstone never realizing that the rack of ribs is too big for his car, making him by far the most entertaining thing in this story. Shane wants to break Duggan’s neck and complains about Americans. The fans are the ones that suck off the government programs and Duggan’s comeback is just him being an idiot. Apparently there’s a match tonight.

Russo sends Hennig and Jarrett after Creative Control.

Tank Abbott vs. La Parka

A right hand puts La Parka down and Tank hammers away in the corner. La Parka hits him with the chair and gets knocked out cold for a no contest.

Tank knocks Doug Dillinger out too.

Norman Smiley hides from Goldberg. Why is Goldberg having issues finding the NWO? Why didn’t he just wait for them to come through the curtain earlier?

The Artist still has issues recording his music but still won’t speak. Paisley gets on the producer for questioning the lyrics.

Hardcore Title: Fit Finlay vs. Norman Smiley

Smiley is defending but Finlay knocks him into the weapons cart to get things going. They fight into the crowd and into the back as we hit the hardcore requirement from the WWF. Knobbs shows up and helps beat Norman up in the concession stand. They lower a metal door and try to crush Norman but Meng makes the save. Norman is thrown on top of Finlay for the pin.

Meng gives Norman the Death Grip post “match”.

Jeff Jarrett finds a paper.

Goldberg chokes Jarrett against a wall and says he’s coming for the NWO when they least expect it.

Creative Control comes out to say they’re no longer Creative Control. Now they’re Ron and Don Harris because I guess that’s supposed to make us care about them. They and their country accents are coming for the Powers That Be. Side note: if they’re the Powers That Be, why do we never hear another voice?

Ron Harris/Don Harris vs. Curt Hennig/Jeff Jarrett

And there’s no Jarrett, so the heel is now in a handicap match. Hennig tries to fight back as Tony tries to keep the Twins straight. The Twins throw Hennig around and a side slam gives we’ll say Ron the pin. Total squash in less than two minutes.

The NWO comes out gives the Harris the NWO treatment, complete with spray paint.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Maestro

Kanyon comes out to do commentary for reasons of storyline development and immediately starts a BRING BACK JUVY chant. Well it’s a one man chant but you get the idea. Maestro goes right at Bigelow to start but gets thrown away when trying a bulldog. Symphony comes in to prevent the diving headbutt so Bigelow dives at her anyway, sending Symphony running away. The distraction lets Kanyon hit Bigelow with a champagne bucket to give Maestro the pin.

Diamond Dallas Page says there’s nothing between Buff Bagwell and his wife. He’s booked against the Wall but won’t fight him until he gets a match with Bagwell.

Recap of Madusa and Karagias.

Evan is in the ring and YES! IT! IS! TIME! Evan says it’s time for a comeback and introduces us to his friends Shannon Moore and Shane Helms. Their collective names: 3 Count. They may not be N’Sync or the Backstreet Boys but they’ll charm the pants off everyone’s girlfriend. Now hit the music. We get a music video for the yet to be named single, spliced together with the guys singing the song (I Can’t Get You Out Of My Heart). The tasteless fans hate the song and here’s a now serious Chavo Guerrero to clean house with dropkicks.

I know they’re not the best remembered team but I loved these guys and thought they were a great idea. Boy bands were huge back then so why not go with a gimmick based on them? It’s certainly better than Evan being the schnook who keeps getting beaten up by women every other week.

David Flair shows up at a gas station and runs into a guy named Crowbar. The Misfits show up and beat the two of them down for no adequately explored reason.

Konnan/Kidman/Jim Duggan vs. Revolution

Saturn/Malenko/Asya here with Shane on commentary. Konnan hammers on Malenko to start and Kidman comes in with a slingshot legdrop. Off to Saturn who eats a Bodog and a high cross body for two. Asya gets knocked off the apron as well but Saturn suplexes Kidman in half.

Back to Malenko for two off a suplex, followed by Saturn’s top rope elbow for the same. Duggan gets the hot tag and cleans house with his variety of right hands and slams. He goes to hit Asya but takes a low blow from Saturn. Shane wants Duggan to denounce America and everything breaks down. The hobbling Rey distracts Dean and Saturn, setting up a sloppy double sunset flip to give the Animals the pin.

Rating: D+. Boring match but somehow this was the first one tonight to break three minutes. Duggan (why is he still the janitor?) doesn’t fit in this story and there’s no reason for the Animals vs. the Revolution to keep going other than they have nothing else to do. At least they gave this match something close to time.

The Revolution gets in some crutches shots to make themselves feel better.

Kevin Nash vs. The Wall

It’s Hall’s turn to be on commentary. Nash takes him into the corner for some knees to the ribs to start but Wall comes back with right hands to the head. A clothesline and big boot put Nash down and it’s Hall coming in with the pipe for the DQ.

Wall gets spray painted and beaten up even more.

Post break, Wall gets off a stretcher.

As Nash gets in the shower, Hall finds Goldberg in his room. Back to the shower, where Nash doesn’t seem to notice the camera, and Goldberg is there too. Is he multiplying or something? We see both Outsiders out cold. Is it possible to like, SLOW DOWN on having him go through the NWO?

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Chris Benoit

Benoit is challenging of course and erupts on Hart in the corner to get things going. They fight over to the announcers’ table with the champ getting control. Back inside with Bret dropping a leg and an elbow, followed by a DDT for two. Benoit fights back with a kick to the ribs and elbow to the jaw for two of his own. The champ nails a low blow as the fans are just silent. Benoit reverses him into the corner and grabs the Crossface, drawing in Jarrett for the DQ.

Rating: D. Just a punch and kick match until the finish with no one believing that Benoit was going over here. That silence for Bret tells you everything you need to know though: this storyline is just a disaster. Monday was too much for the fans to take and there’s no reason to care. They weren’t even booing, but rather just sitting there in silence. That’s a bad sign after your big angle of the year.

Cue Goldberg to spear Jarrett and chase Bret to the back. Bret gets away in a car but Goldberg sees the Powers That Be’s limo. One right hand through the window and see you in June Goldberg. By the way, for those of you that have never seen it, that injury is what Nash said killed the Fingerpoke of Doom fallout story with Goldberg rising up through the ranks to get Hogan. You read that right.

Overall Rating: F. You know the amazing thing about this show? That Bret vs. Benoit match took place after the show was supposed to end. Why is that amazing? That match (the longest of the night at 4:54) took us to our grand total of less than 21 minutes of wrestling. In other words, in the two hours Thunder was scheduled to be on the air, the total time spent on wrestling (and that’s including Norman vs. Finlay in the back) was 15:41. If you add in the World Title match, the total time was 20:35. It took overtime to break 20 minutes of wrestling on a two hour show. That is unacceptable.

Now onto the good. This show wasn’t the abomination that we saw on Monday. It was a disaster and one of the worst wrestling shows I’ve ever seen with almost no action, mostly worthless matches and a story that ran in two hours instead of two to six months, but it was NOT this past Monday. They reigned things way back in tonight and it made the show tolerable, but that certainly doesn’t mean it’s good. I think I can live with it like this, but there are far more changes needed here than WCW has time for.

The show isn’t airing next week due to a college football game so that’s it for Thunder in 1999.

Monday Nitro #219
Date: December 20, 1999
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance: 8,915
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

We’re just past Starrcade and……I have no idea what we’re supposed to do now actually. Bret is still World Champion, Sting is out of action again and the rest of the show was pretty much a big waste of time with short matches that went nowhere or that only Russo and company care about. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Piper calling for the bell on Goldberg to end the title match against Bret. Yes, that’s their big idea: Montreal part 58.

So you might be asking how the big fallout show starts. After last night, we’re ready to start on the new road forward for WCW. I promise, I’m not making this up. This is really how this show began.

Here are Madusa and Spice for a chat. Madusa brags about being the first female Cruiserweight Champion and how the women of WCW are taking over with their T&A. Right now she wants any man in the back to come out here so she can neuter him. As luck would have it, Buzzkill is in the crowd campaigning for equal rights, so Madusa calls him to the ring for a title match right now.

Cruiserweight Title: Madusa vs. Buzzkill

Madusa takes the sign and blasts Buzzkill in the head, followed by the missile dropkick for two. The German suplex is blocked though and Buzzkill dropkicks her down. The Russian legsweep should have the title won (because it’s a Russian legsweep) but Spice has the referee. In the distract, Spice throws in a foreign object and Madusa knocks Buzzkill silly, setting up the German suplex to retain.

I need a minute here. After last night’s disaster of a Starrcade, Vince Russo, the man who actually takes credit for the Attitude Era, decided that the big idea was to open Nitro with a match between a comedy character and Madusa, who is flat out saying she has one of the most popular titles (well at least it used to be) in the company because of how she looks. That’s their big way to open the post-Starrcade Nitro. Imagine if the night after Rollins cashed in Money in the Bank or after Bryan overcame the Authority, we opened with a Nikki Bella promo and match. That’s basically what they did here and it’s making my head hurt.

The announcers talk about Goldberg getting screwed last night. I’ll set the over/under for use of that word in this story at about 6,000.

Russo tells Curt Hennig to get rid of Hugh Morrus tonight. Why Russo has issues with Morrus isn’t clear, but I’d bet it’s a nuance of a plot point that I missed in Russo’s 19 segments a night. Creative Control is sent to find Piper.

Speaking of Piper, he arrives with his assistant and son because of reasons I don’t want to be told. The kid tapes Piper’s wrists and Creative Control comes to collect him.

Hugh Morrus vs. Curt Hennig

Before we get started, it’s time for an another angle that no one will care about but we need to force it in there anyway. This time it’s Shane being beaten down by a guy in a Scream mask with what looks like a pipe. As for the match, here’s Tony’s take on it: “I’ve never been so confused coming out of a WCW pay per view.” I can’t believe I’m saying this, but preach it Tony. Morrus slugs Hennig into the corner to start as the announcers don’t explain Hugh’s issues with the Powers That Be, likely because they don’t exist.

After a big running splash in the corner, Morrus gets distracted by some old guy in a hospital gown who wanders from the crowd to the ramp. For the love of……JUST HAVE A WRESTLING MATCH! Morrus goes outside and helps the man he calls Pop to the ramp so he stays out of harms’ way. Hennig gets in a few shots as Pop comes back down to ringside. In the distraction, Hennig hits the PerfectPlex for the pin.

Rating: D-. I would ask why this is happening and what this is supposed to mean, but I really, really don’t care. Hugh Morrus is getting a story now? Apparently about his father who just wanders around ringside after leaving a hospital? As usual, Russo doesn’t get that you have to make us care about a person before you just throw them into a story that makes no sense on the surface. I don’t care about Hugh Morrus because he’s never done anything worth caring about. Therefore, I don’t care about his Pop or whatever they’re doing with him. Again, just let them wrestle and THEN come up with a story.

Pop checks on his son, who is still down after a devastating suplex.

Piper is in Russo’s office where Russo talks about Piper making some sort of deal with the devil, meaning Piper can’t touch Russo. It’s not over though because Piper has to go out there and tell everyone that he sold out and that Russo had nothing to do with it. So who did he sell out to if Russo wasn’t involved? That question is immediately wiped from my memory as Russo says that Piper will take his heat. Piper talks about going out there to “shoot on the marks” and how he and Hogan built this sport. The audio screws up so I can’t hear the rest of it but do I really need to?

So to recap: Russo is the mastermind behind screwing Goldberg out of the title and gave Piper something in return for ending the title match last night and now Piper has to go and take the rap for it. This is going to be a SHOOT, because all those times where Piper was evil and made his big name were just him acting and we should believe how much he cares for wrestling? Can we go back to Hugh and Pop?

And now, a word from Tony Schiavone about how Vince McMahon screwed Bret Hart out of the WCW Title. Russo worked for McMahon at that time, so rumors are speculating that Russo scripted the ending to that match. I don’t even know how to respond to that so we’ll move on to Tony talking about how Kevin Nash is defending Goldberg in the locker room. You know, the SHOOT locker room.

This brings out Kevin Nash, who talks about living by a code in wrestling. There are certain rules you have to live by no matter what happens. Yes people, KEVIN NASH is talking about ethics in wrestling. Just go with it and maybe it’ll be over soon. There are two groups of people behind the curtain: the boys and the office. The boys are all a fraternity and the office doesn’t care about any of them. Nash doesn’t care about Goldberg, but what happened last night was…..a word they don’t actually censor. TV-14 it is I suppose. Hart screwed one of the boys and now he has to pay.

Creative Control says Nash is the biggest politician in the locker room. So yeah, it’s clearly a big worked shoot (in case it wasn’t obvious before) and the audience, after sitting through Madusa vs. Buzzkill and Hennig vs. Morrus/Pop gets to hear a lot of stuff that is probably going over their collective heads while Russo jerks off to this nonsense because it makes him feel so much smarter than everyone else. I understand what they’re talking about and it’s just so dumb.

Tank Abbott vs. Jerry Flynn

No holds barred of course. They trade slaps/punches before shoving the referee, drawing out security to break it up. Flynn is put in handcuffs and Tank knocks him out cold. This didn’t last a minute and the fans are rightfully booing it out of the building.

Goldberg arrives.

Here’s the Revolution for what is actually the most interesting part of the show so far. Douglas talks about how the Revolution was proven right at Starrcade, but we pause for a word from Saturn about Tootsie Pops. He calls out Jim Duggan to denounce America, but Jim doesn’t want to do it. Instead, Duggan says he lied and gets beaten down. The Revolution goes to burn the American flag but the Filthy Animals (minus Eddie) return for the save. Great. It’s this feud again. Shane’s look of shock when the Animals came out (walking at about half a mile an hour) is great.

Here’s Piper for his big explanation as Goldberg and Hart watch from backstage. Piper lists off some of the evil things he’s done in the past before going into a mini rant against Russo’s writing. Couldn’t they just call it like, match making? Anyway, Piper knows people just want to see the wrestlers fight. After listing off his accomplishments from the 80s, Piper says he’s a real fighting and quits. His son comes out to walk to the back with him, but Goldberg comes out to block their way.

Goldberg has stayed up all night trying to make sense of this (now THAT is probably a shoot comment). He’s looked up to a few guys all his life and until last night Piper was on that list. Piper made the wrong decision last night but Goldberg doesn’t think Piper would ever sell out. Roddy apologizes and things seem to be a bit better until Bret comes out to pick it up all over again. As far as he’s concerned, there’s no point in blaming Piper and the title is vacant. Bret goes to the back to tell the Powers That Be what they can do with their title. Keep shooting people. You’ll hit something eventually, though it’s likely your own foot.

Post break, Hart yells at Russo, but the boss says that was an attempt at making up for Montreal. Yes seriously, THAT’S THEIR BIG STORY. Bret throws the belt at Russo so he makes Hart vs. Goldberg for tonight. Nice to see them continue their tradition of airing the same match the night after Starrcade. I mean, it’s gone so well before.

Meng/Norman Smiley vs. Fit Finlay/Brian Knobbs

Hardcore of course. So why would Meng want to team with Smiley here? My question is quickly answered as Meng goes after Smiley before their opponents come out. Knobbs and Finlay come out to watch as the announcers try to explain the psychology. Apparently Knobbs and Finlay want Norman to keep the Hardcore Title so they can take it from him with less of a fight.

Therefore, we’re supposed to ignore the two of them knocking Smiley out cold with a pipe so Norman could pin him with one hand last night, proving that they could beat Meng with ease. As for the match, Norman gets chased through the crowd, objects are thrown, a bathroom is invaded, Norman’s head is put in a toilet and Knobbs gets the pin.

Rating: F. We’re over an hour into this show and this is the second best match of the night so far. I’m not sure if it’s good or horribly stupid that they’re trying to add psychology to this division. Yeah there’s an idea to it, but the idea is stupid. The joke isn’t funny though and Meng was just kind of there most of the “match” as everyone else was “fighting.”

Piper tells his kid to wait in the limo and gets a ball bat.

Video of the Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea’s recording session where he doesn’t actually sing. Somehow this sounds like one of the more logical things on the show.

Hart is walking and runs into Piper. Bret tries to talk but Piper is back to babbling to himself.

Maestro vs. Evan Karagias

It’s a flashback to the NWO days as the announcers ignore what’s going on in the ring to talk about the backstage stuff. Maestro runs him over to start but Evan hits a springboard spinning cross body. Evan rains down right hands in the corner until he gets dropped throat first across the top rope. We get a bit of a tease as Maestro loads up a chinlock but slaps Evan in the face with both hands instead.

The announcers talk about Montreal with Tony saying it’s unbelievable that Russo wants to make up with Hart. Evan fights up and counters a hurricanrana into a powerbomb. Symphony gets shoved onto the apron but Evan has a quick change of heart to check on her. The distraction lets Maestro hit a knee to the back for the pin. Symphony is of course fine. Tony: “She sold that knee.”

Rating: D. Total mentions of Evan losing the title last night: zero. Then again it’s fairly clear that there’s no future to the title so losing the belt might have been the best thing possible for Evan. Maestro and Symphony are a nothing pairing but at least they’re not victims of a stalker anymore.

Piper literally destroys the Powers That Be’s office. Piper: “How about Adrian Adonis and Gorilla Monsoon?” And yes, he breaks the fourth wall.

Chavo Guerrero tries to sell Evan a book on how to pick up chicks. Thankfully, this ends in a beating.

Chris Kanyon vs. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Kanyon says this isn’t Hollywood and talks about destroying the Triad. Bigelow and Page come out and double team him with Page hitting a Rock Bottom and Bigelow adding a headbutt. A clothesline and another headbutt have Kanyon reeling but Page and Bigelow argue about which finisher should end Kanyon. Page offers a handshake but pulls Bigelow into a Diamond Cutter. It’s angle time though as Page drops to the floor, kisses a fan, and leaves. J. Biggs throws Kanyon a briefcase but the referee cuts him off, allowing Kanyon to hit Bigelow with a champagne bottle for the pin.

Rating: D+. Well that happened. They spent the entire summer building up the Triad and then the blowoff (I guess?) match takes four minutes with no announcement on a Nitro? Sounds appropriate to me. At least Kanyon has a new character and he’s getting as close as he can to thriving in it.

Bigelow is busted way open and Kanyon is bleeding from the hand. Were they stupid enough to use a real bottle???

Creative Control vs. Kevin Nash

There’s no referee so I don’t think this is a match. Actually that makes sense given how things worked earlier. Hall accompanies Nash on crutches. Since this isn’t a match (no bell), the twins tag. Nash slugs away at Patrick in the corner and kicks Gerald in the face as the tagging part is already done.

The numbers catch up with Nash and Gerald takes him down for a cover but there’s no referee. Heenan praises Nash for having the guts to say what he said earlier in the night. They start going after Kevin’s knee and the tagging starts up again. Hall gets bored and comes inside for some crutch shots to the twins. Creative Control walks out to end whatever this was.

Luger and Liz are amused at Sting having a broken jaw. Why they’re in the rafters and why Luger is dressed as Sting isn’t clear but I don’t think I want to know.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. Jeff Jarrett

Another ladder match with Benoit defending because there’s no reason not to do it again twenty four hours later. At least it was good last night so maybe it works again here. They slug it out to start and Benoit takes over with a pair of dropkicks. Benoit ties him in the Tree of Woe for a running dropkick but Jeff crotches him against the post to take over. Back up and Benoit is the first to the ladder but he has to side step the baseball slide.

Benoit throws him into the chair in the corner before nailing the back and knee with the same chair. Jeff stays on the floor and holds his leg as Benoit breaks the ladder by stepping on the rungs. Tony: “Someone has gimmicked this ladder!” Tenay: “You know who it is!” Heenan: “Kidman?” The other side’s rungs break as well and it’s a guitar shot to Benoit as Jeff’s leg is fine. He grabs a fresh ladder and wins the title because SCREW YOU BENOIT FANS! YOU’RE GETTING JARRETT WHETHER YOU CARE OR NOT!

Rating: D+. They said the word gimmick for the ladder about ten times in two minutes near the end as the levels of obnoxiousness get higher and higher every single week. Benoit winning the title last night and being in the main event of a pay per view last month already seem to be nothing but memories.

After a bunch of replays, Curt Hennig tells Jarrett that the Powers That Be need to see him.

Sid Vicious vs. The Wall

Sid kicks him in the face to start and takes it outside for some right hands to Wall’s face. Back in and Wall hits him right back, only to eat a chokeslam. Cue Berlyn for a distraction, allowing Wall to load up a chokeslam of his own. Not that it matters as Berlyn missile dropkicks Wall for the DQ.

Sid powerbombs Berlyn and shakes Wall’s hand to complete the face turn.

Russo tells Jarrett that it’s going to happen tonight.

Disco offers to pay the mafia but Tony Marinara’s dad tells him he can join the Family or spend the rest of his life in a coma.

Harlem Heat vs. Varsity Club

Rotundo/Steiner here with Sullivan on commentary, where he spends the whole match referring to Rick as Robbie (Rick’s real name) because SHOOTING IS COOL AND HIP AND MAKES US SMARTER THAN YOU SO HA! Stevie quickly runs Rotundo over to start before it’s off to the partners. Booker kicks him in the face a few times but it’s too much to ask Steiner to sell so it’s a big clothesline to put Booker on the floor. Things get a bit confusing as the Varsity Club decides they’re the Freebirds (they’re from the right time period) and start changing places with Rotundo going to commentary.

That lasts all of eight seconds before Mike runs back in and misses a charge, allowing Booker to plant him with a Rock Bottom. Stevie comes in off the hot tag and cleans house but there go the lights because it’s Midnight. Ever the genius, Stevie yells at her, allowing Mike to roll him up for the pin.

Rating: D. More mindless brawling here with Booker doing everything he could to make it a match. I still have no idea why the Varsity Club is back as Rick was the only one doing anything, even though he’s one of the least likeable people on the roster. I’ll give them this though: at least this felt like a match, even with the screwy ending.

PG-13 runs in and attacks the Varsity Club. They can’t be serious.

The yet to be named Daffney is getting a Surge when the Misfits come up to hit on her. For reasons of crazy, she knees Jerry Only low and runs off.

Here’s David Flair for a chat but he beats up David Penzer first. Flair calls out Vampiro, who says he has no problem with David. Vampiro yells at Daffney but eats a crowbar shot. Jerry Only comes out and takes a beating as well, leaving David and Daffney to kiss.

Buff Bagwell comes out with something to say. He’s had a good career in WCW but now he wants some gold around his waist. Gene goes way out in right field and asks about rumors regarding Bagwell and Kimberly Page. Buff pushes the mic away and whispers to Gene, but Okerlund says that sounds like an admission of guilt. Bagwell admits that Kimberly is a knockout and if Page wasn’t a factor, he would, and I quote, “put his stuff all over Kim.” He mentions his bed and Page comes out to jump Bagwell.

Piper says goodbye to the locker room and calls Sid a kid. He rambles on about how hard wrestling has been on him and wants the boys to fight back against the Powers That Be.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Goldberg

The title is officially vacant coming in and Jeff Jarrett is watching on a monitor in the back. Goldberg hammers him in the face to start and chokes with a boot in the corner. They head outside with Goldberg hammering away even more as Bret has been on defense almost all match. Back in and a powerslam drops Hart but he grabs the ropes to break up a leg lock.

Bret starts going after the leg with kicks to the knee before wrapping it around the ropes. The referee goes down because of course he does and Bret slaps on the Figure Four. Cue the Outsiders with ball bats to beat up Goldberg. Bret lets go of the hold and beats on Goldberg as well so Piper comes back to try and protect Goldberg as the referee calls for the bell. There was a cover in there somewhere and Bret has won the title.

Jeff Jarrett comes out with spraypaint and……THE BAND IS BACK TOGETHER! Bret tries to say something but his mic doesn’t work. Everyone celebrates with their new titles to end the show.

Overall Rating: W. That’s W for waste. I’ve watched a lot of wrestling shows in my day (upwards of 4,000 last I checked). In the course of my time as a fan, I don’t remember a show that felt like a waste of my time. That has changed after this show. I can live with a show where nothing happens. I can live with a show full of bad matches. I can live with a show where the company loses its way for a night.

That’s not what happened on this show. This show was about eliminating every single concept and idea of logic and common sense from what used to be World Championship Wrestling. I’m not going to go into the long, long list of things this show did that made no sense, as A, I don’t have that much memory on this computer and B, I don’t think my blood pressure can take it.

Let’s sum up the major flaw in logic on this show. The idea is that Russo and company are in charge of booking the show and have turned it into a shoot. Ignoring how absolutely stupid that is to point out (from a kayfabe perspective, wrestling is always supposed to be a shoot), let’s go with Russo’s theory (I’ll ask for forgiveness later). Let’s say that Russo has complete authority and is writing himself into this position.

If that’s the case, why have any of his guys ever lost a match and why did we need some big conspiracy? Why didn’t Russo just book his boys on top the second he debuted? Why are we having some big conspiracy with Jarrett having to win the title back? Why am I supposed to believe anything that happens if Russo is just in charge of the whole thing? Did he book Nash to fight back against his authority or is Nash going into business for himself?

I get that it’s what Russo is going for, but it leaves so many ridiculous holes in the story and makes the whole thing so completely illogical that you can’t buy into anything going on in this company. Ninety percent of the show is scripted but THIS RIGHT HERE is real? Why should I believe that? At the end of the day, this is wrestling. I shouldn’t need a scorecard and a flow chart to keep track of what’s going on, nor should I have to hear all these insider terms. This is the definition of too much going on and making things way too complicated.

This stopped being wrestling and became Russo having fun and deciding to make this show his big personal playground. He’s removed logic and common sense from this show in order to turn it into some insider fest. I know I say this a lot, but I literally do not think it can get worse than this. They’ve taken away any the basic core principles of wrestling and made this a B movie. There is however one bright spot to this whole mess: Jim Cornette suddenly makes so much more sense to me.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

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Starrcade 1999
Date: December 19, 1999
Location: MCI Center, Washington D.C.
Attendance: 8,582
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Bobby Heenan

We have arrived. We have reached the biggest show of the year for WCW. It’s the final pay per view of the year and the final Starrcade of the 1990s. Over the years this show has been a showcase for legends like Sting, Ric Flair, Lex Luger and Hulk Hogan. There have been great matches, moments and shows in general, many of which have been some of WCW’s best shows of all time. Now, forget everything I just said, because this is going to be one of the biggest disasters in the history of……I would say professional wrestling but that has nothing to do with what I’m about to sit through. Let’s get to it.

We open with a Scott Hudson narrated highlight package to preview the card. Up first in the package: the Revolution vs. Jim Duggan/his mystery partners. I’m pretty sure every match gets some time here, but my goodness they aren’t off to a rousing start by making me think about all of the impending disasters.

Now we get a standard opening video, focusing on the powerbomb match and then the World Title match.

Disco Inferno/Lash Leroux vs. Big Vito/Johnny the Bull

Disco lost a lot of money gambling (which I don’t think he ever paid back) to the Mafia so Don boss Tony Marinara sent Big Vito and Johnny the Bull after him. Lash helped Disco out and basically started a war against the mob, setting up this tag match. It’s also probably the match that has gotten the most build on the card. Normally I would ask why a match like this is opening the show, but the more I think about it, what else do they have?

It’s a brawl to start with Vito punching Lash down early on. A nice suplex drops Lash again and Vito nails a good looking superkick. Heenan gets in another of his lines that are open to interpretation as he wonders why the people in the back are so quiet. Off to Johnny who eats a dropkick from Lash and a clothesline from Disco for one.

Disco stomps away in the corner but Johnny sweeps the leg (because he’s the best in town) to take over. Vito scores with a hard running clothesline and Johnny’s swinging neckbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock for a bit before something like a double powerbomb plants Disco again. Vito spends too much time mocking the crowd on the ropes though and hits the mat, allowing the hot tag to Lash.

Everything breaks down and the goons are dropped with clotheslines. A gorilla press drop puts Lash down but he avoids a top rope spinning legdrop. Disco hits a top rope splash for two but Vito comes off the top to break up the save (granted the really slow count made it a bit easier). Vito reverses a whip from Lash and sends him into the Last Dance from Disco by mistake, setting up Vito’s spinning DDT for the pin.

Rating: C. Totally acceptable tag match here, but I have a feeling we’ve just seen the match of the night. It’s the old power vs. speed formula which has worked for the better part of ever and worked here as well. The story made sense and was actually different for a change, but this could have been on almost any given Nitro. Still though, totally acceptable.

Post match Disco gets beaten up and thrown in the body bag, along with a bottle of ether. The mob takes him back to the parking lot and throw him in their car to take them away.

Goldberg vs. Hart is No DQ. If that was the stipulation beforehand, I haven’t heard of it.

Scott Hall is out of the US Title match due to a knee injury so Benoit is the champion.

The announcers run their mouths to fill time on a show with 13 matches. Keep in mind that this is coming after a backstage segment. Not only is it boring for the PPV audience, but it’s letting the crowd come down after a decent opener.

Cue Chris Benoit to say he doesn’t want the title this way, so it’s officially vacant. However, he’ll still have the ladder match against anyone that wants to face him for the title.

Cruiserweight Title: Madusa vs. Evan Karagias

Evan is defending and Madusa offered sex to get this show. After she earned the shot, Evan dumped Madusa for Nitro Girl Spice, making this just another title match but with man on woman violence because Russo is obsessed with this idea. Madusa dives off the top to take out Evan and Spice before sending him into the barricade. They head inside where Evan slaps her in the face and plants her with a powerslam, only to miss a Lionsault.

Madusa dropkicks him down but gets slammed off the top. A powerbomb puts Madusa down for two so Madusa powerbombs him right back. They head outside with Evan diving onto Madusa, but Spice gets on the apron to distract the champ. It’s just a ruse for the worst low blow ever, setting up Madusa’s German suplex for the pin and the title.

Rating: D-. So not only did they have a swerve, they had only the bare bones of a match as this was nothing more than a spot fest with no flow to it. Yeah Mysterio and Guerrera would do a bunch of spots, but at least they knew how to make them exciting. This was less than four minutes long and more about the fact that Madusa is a woman. In other words, they were trying to recreate Chyna without putting in the effort of building her up in DX all those years. That’s Russo’s philosophy: just go to the end goal without putting in any of the work and then blame the fans for not caring.

On the storyline front, let’s recap what just happened to Evan: he was duped into giving Madusa the shot by the offer of sex, then Madusa won the title shot again in a triple threat, then Evan got pinned on Thunder for no apparent reason, then the other woman, who was involved in this story to distract Evan, turned on him to give Madusa the title for no reason other than to mess with Evan, who made the mistake of being a champion and going after a pretty girl who seemed interested in him. Oh and Madusa hit cheated to win the title. I’m not sure if she was the face or the heel here, but I’m sure WCW didn’t know either.

Norman Smiley is dressed up like a Washington Redskin for his match with Meng. He certainly isn’t scared and ignore the scream when the producer tries to count him out of the interview. Sudden moves like that just are not necessary when Norman is a coiled spring ready to explode! Ignore the fact that the Hardcore Title is practically identical to the ECW Title.

Hardcore Title: Meng vs. Norman Smiley

Norman the coward is defending. They throw weapons at each other to start before Meng shoves the cart full of weapons runs Norman over. It’s in the back without Norman ever making it to the ring and Norman blasts him in the head with the chair for almost no effect. Norman runs away through catering before Meng slams him through a table.

Meng throws a cinder block at his head but Norman avoids the whole death thing. Smiley dives behind some boxes to hide, allowing Finlay and Brian Knobbs to come up and beat Meng down. Well kind of as Meng no sells the chair and trashcan shots until Finlay NAILS him with a lead pipe to knock Meng silly. Norman comes out and covers to retain.

Rating: D. Norman is a guy that tries so hard but can’t get out of this hardcore nonsense. This was your standard hardcore match with Meng dominating and Norman screaming a lot but somehow escaping for the title. In other words, it’s your standard TV match being held at Starrcade because Russo doesn’t know the difference between the shows.

Meng beats up Nick Patrick for reasons.

David Flair has a gold crowbar delivered to him and seems very happy.

Oklahoma and Steve Williams are ready. There’s nothing more to this segment.

Oh wait there is, as we cut back to see the Misfits kidnap Oklahoma.

We recap Jim Duggan vs. the Revolution, which is based around the idea of the Revolution thinking they’re a sovereign nation and wanting to deface the American flag. Bringing Duggan in makes sense there, but the Powers That Be says there’s nothing to his love of America and made him a janitor because that’s funny or something.

Jim Duggan/??? vs. Revolution

It’s Asya/Saturn/Malenko/Douglas here and we have no idea who the partners are here. If Duggan wins, the Revolution has to be the janitors for 30 days, but if Duggan loses, he has to denounce America. Duggan’s partners are…..the Varsity Club, a team which hit its peak in 1988/1989. In case you’re like, young or something, it’s Rick Steiner/Kevin Sullivan/Mike Rotundo with Leia Meow (ECW’s Kimona) as their cheerleader.

Shane sits in on commentary to make it a handicap match. Dean and Duggan start things off but Saturn comes in less than ten second in. The Varsity Club gets in some cheap shots in the corner before Duggan hammers away with forearms to the back. Dean comes in again for an elbow to the face and a slam, followed by the three point clothesline for two.

Saturn gets the same off a missile dropkick as Heenan points out that Duggan hasn’t tried to tag out. Just get to the swerve we all know is coming from here. Saturn misses a middle rope splash but Dean hits Jim in the head with a flag. Everyone comes in with the Varsity Club cleaning house, including tying Asya in the Tree of Woe for Sullivan’s running knee. Then they turn on Duggan because what else were they going to do here? Shane runs in for the pin as the Varsity Club keeps beating up Saturn on the floor.

Rating: F. This is STARRCADE 1999 and they bring out the Varsity Club? If they were going for some kind of nostalgia/history thing here, they completely missed the point as the Varsity Club’s biggest moment was when they were fighting each other, assuming anyone remembered/cared about that in 1999. As it is, this is just another four minute match capped off by a beatdown to make it a Jim Duggan story. What is the mass appeal here and who thought the one thing this show needed was MORE people running around?

Shane tells Duggan he has 24 hours before he has to renounce America. They drape the Revolution flag over him, only to take it right back off.

The Misfits have Oklahoma in a shark cage to make sure he stays out of the Vampiro match.

Vampiro vs. Steve Williams

If Vampiro wins, he gets five minutes with Oklahoma. The Misfits wheel out Oklahoma in the shark cage but he has a headset on and can still do his Jim Ross jokes because…..screw the sarcasm. This whole thing is stupid. Vampiro dives off the cage to take Williams out and the brawl begins on the floor. They head inside with Oklahoma yelling at the commentators. Williams fires off a chop so Oklahoma shouts CHOP over and over.

Some three point tackles take out Vampiro’s legs followed by some chops, but Oklahoma gets bored saying chop over and over. A belly to belly superplex sends Vampiro flying but brings in the Misfits. Williams cleans house with ease and suplexes Vampiro down again. He hammers on Vampiro but shoves the referee down (how have we not had a ref bump tonight?) for a DQ, setting up Vampiro vs. Oklahoma.

Rating: D. So their solution to make us care about Vampiro is to have him get beaten up until the referee gets knocked down while Oklahoma gets to do his same joke over and over and over and over and over. I feel like iTunes on repeat (who uses records anymore?) saying this but STOP USING THE SHOW FOR YOUR OWN STUPID JOKES THAT AREN’T EVEN FUNNY IN THE FIRST PLACE!

The five minute clock starts immediately.

Oklahoma vs. Vampiro

Security gets Williams out of here as we’re still waiting on Oklahoma to get out of the cage. Oklahoma gets in after about two minutes and kicks Vampiro in the head. More slow stomps connect before Vampiro hits a single chop, only to have Oklahoma nail two straight low blows. A quick Rock Bottom drops Oklahoma and the Misfits come in for some shots, which the referee doesn’t seem to mind. The Nail in the Coffin ends this mess.

To recap, Vampiro needed the help of a punk rock band (how many of the fans actually know who they are?) to beat Oklahoma, who beat the tar out of Vampiro for most of the “match”. Again, the announcers are getting the push at the sake of someone like Vampiro, who may or may not be entertaining but he’s an actual wrestler.

Russo tells Hennig/Shane/La Parka/Creative Control that he has something big planned for tonight so he can’t quite focus on their match. Thanks for letting us know about this an hour into the show instead of building it up for a few weeks, but they probably didn’t know a few weeks ago.

Stevie Ray tells Booker he won’t have his back tonight.

Harlem Heat/Midnight vs. Curt Hennig/Creative Control

The winning tag team is #1 contenders so Hennig and Midnight are just kind of here to fill in the roster, because Heaven forbid we just have a regular tag match. My goodness there are suddenly a lot of empty seats across from the cameras. I couldn’t have missed those earlier. There’s no Stevie so it’s a handicap match with more man on woman.

Gerald stomps Booker into the corner to start before no selling a spin kick to the face. So much for this one changing the tide of the show. We look at the ladder for later and come back with Midnight in without seeing what happened in between. I’m betting Gerald lost a Canasta game and had to allow the hot tag.

It’s quickly back to Booker who gets beaten down again but quickly gets over to tag in Midnight for some dropkicks. Hennig clotheslines her out to the floor and the heels take over again. Back in and Creative Control takes over on Midnight as Hudson talks about the big events of the night: the return of the Varsity Club and Disco being thrown into a car. We get the old “referee doesn’t see the tag” spot as Stevie Ray comes out, only to be sent to the back by Booker.

Midnight gets slammed down and Patrick drops some elbows for two. He misses the middle rope elbow though and Midnight gets over for the hot tag. It doesn’t count as Nick Patrick was “talking to Stevie Ray.” That’s true, but THEY WERE LOOKING AT THE TAG. As in Nick clearly realized he wasn’t supposed to see it and you can see him try to snap his head away in time so it doesn’t look that bad but it doesn’t work. Hennig sneaks in with a foreign object to knock Booker silly for the pin and a delayed bell.

Rating: D. As usual, this was an angle disguised as a match. On top of the match being boring for the most part and yet another woman being in there for the sake of being in there (Midnight was fine but the announcers spent the whole match talking about how awesome it was to have a woman in there, which just puts more attention on the fact that she’s nothing special), the gaffes like Nick seeing the tag made this a huge mess. Above all else though, I just do not care because I haven’t been given a reason to care. These people are just characters with little development so it’s really hard to get interested.

We recap Jarrett vs. Rhodes. Basically Dustin returned as something resembling a child abductor but he decided he wanted to be Dustin Rhodes because THAT has such a great track record for him. Jeff thought it was funny that Dustin’s dad got fired so the feud began again and of course it turned into a bunkhouse match to make it about cowboys and hardcore.

Dustin, wearing a Dusty Rhodes shirt, talks about the match but Jeff jumps him to start.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Dustin Rhodes

Jarrett runs Dustin’s knee over with a wheelbarrow and hits him in the throat with a kendo stick. They slam each other into the wheelbarrow before heading inside for the first time with Jeff taking a cowbell to the head. Well you knew the bullrope and cowbell were going to be involved somehow. Some bell shots knock Jarrett onto the announcers’ table but hitting him in the head with a metal bell doesn’t sound as good as throwing powder in Jeff’s face.

Dustin pulls out a whip and nails both Jarrett and the referee before duct taping the referee to the ropes. Jeff shrugs off a shot with some chaps (you think I care enough to react to that at this point?) and kicks Dustin low as Curt Hennig comes out to untape the referee. We hit the sleeper as Jarrett tries to make this wrestling for reasons I don’t understand.

Dustin finally suplexes his way out and gets two off a Boss Man Slam. Shattered Dreams connects but Hennig pulls the referee out at two. That earns Curt some Shattered Dreams of his own and all three head up to the entrance. Dustin plants Hennig with a bulldog but Jeff climbs the ladder and blasts him with a guitar for the pin.

Rating: D. Ok. What else do you want me to say here? Two guys who are feuding over someone not even working for this promotion anymore had a long (by this show’s standards) match and the heel had someone else come in to basically make it a handicap match. The good guy fought back and then the two beat him without anything overly interesting happening.

Jeff Jarrett continues to not by over but gets pushed to the moon (dig that huge win over DUSTIN RHODES!) because he beat up a woman in the WWF. These guys weren’t really putting in a ton of effort though and it’s clear that no one has anything special without some kind of character behind them. It’s just two old school style guys having a boring match and that’s not something I want to watch for eleven minutes.

David Flair makes the headless teddy bear stroke the golden crowbar. Somehow, there isn’t a single bit of innuendo in that entire sentence. Why David is wearing a Halloween Havoc shirt isn’t clear.

Page says his hands will have a crowbar in them tonight and then those same hands will give Flair a bang.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. David Flair

IT’S A CROWBAR ON A POLE MATCH!!! This is like Russo’s hit parade if I had to pay $30 to see it. This match is due to David stalking Kimberly after Kimberly slept with Ric Flair instead of David. So yeah, we have sex, insanity, illogical stories and a thing on a pole. Like I said, the hit parade rolls on. The crowbar is pitifully low as anyone of average height could reach it from the mat.

David sneaks up from behind with the gold crowbar (different from the one on the pole) but Little Naitch (who should be in David’s corner in theory) takes it away, because even if you’re insane and carrying a crowbar, you MUST follow the rules! The referee checks on Page and says the match will be a forfeit, but Page shoves Penzer away and wants to go.

We get the opening bell and David hammers away because how else was this going to be competitive? David counters a sunset flip and punches Page in the face for two. A clothesline gets the same as we’re still waiting on any attempt at the crowbar. Flair hits a low blow and puts on a Figure Four but Page turns it over for the break. Flair gets the crowbar, misses a swing and eats the Diamond Cutter for the pin.

Rating: F. Remember when Chris Jericho would lose and then go insane and beat the post with a chair? That’s how I feel here. There was no reason for this to be on pay per view or for this to be a gimmick match other than to make the match more believable. In other words, they can’t have a good match without making it a gimmick and the match can’t be good because it’s a gimmick. Who other than Vince Russo could book a sub four minute match into a paradox while almost completely ignoring the gimmick that causes the paradox in the first place?

Page gives him a middle rope Diamond Cutter post match and it about to hit him with the crowbar but the yet to be named Daffney runs in to cover Flair up. Page leaves instead of hit the crazy chick.

Heenan wants a beer. I don’t drink but can someone get me a hammer to crush my own skull?

We recap Luger vs. Sting, which has seen Luger treat Liz like garbage (more anti-women fetish material for Russo), which sent her running off for Sting to help him. At the same time, Luger “inadvertently” cost Sting some matches and kept trying to make it up to him, only making it worse in the process. Their match tonight is for Liz’s freedom, which she totally and completely wants of course.

Total Package vs. Sting

In the back, Sting gives Liz “super high octane” mace. The STEROIDS chant begins and Luger quickly sends Sting outside. Some whips into the barricade have Sting in more trouble before some elbows get two. Sting no sells a ram into the buckle and Luger gets caught between slaps from Sting and Liz. A double clothesline puts both of them down because of those two and a half DEVASTATING minutes of action.

Liz comes in to check on Luger and sprays the mace at Sting, but it’s silly string because Sting actually outsmarted someone!!!!! Even the announcers acknowledge how shocking this is. Sting makes his comeback and hits a top rope splash for two. A pair of regular Stinger Splashes look to set up the Deathlock but Liz comes in with the ball bat for a very loud sounding shot to the jaw for the DQ.

Rating: D+. I’m upgrading this because of the bat shot and the string. Other than that, this was a big mess with the whole thing not even breaking six minutes despite it being one of the bigger matches on the card. This changes nothing as Liz is freed from Luger but apparently wants to stay with him, making this whole thing a big waste of time. Imagine that.

Luger Pillmanizes Sting’s arm post match. Remember two years ago when Sting was in the biggest match in WCW history? How was that just two years ago?

To recap, that was the tenth match of the show and, assuming you count Madusa as a heel, the third match where the heel didn’t either win or get the last laugh after the match. Those three are Vampiro and the Misfits beating up Oklahoma (who dominated the “match”), Page over David Flair and Norman Smiley over Meng where Norman was treated like a goon all match. Is there any doubt why so many fans are leaving their seats halfway through the show?

We recap Sid vs. Nash in the powerbomb match. I’ve watched the shows setting this match up and now I’ve watched the video and I’m still not exactly sure why they’re fighting. They’ve fought a few times but I’m not sure why they started in the first place. Again though, I doubt WCW does either other than “hey, they’re both big!”

Sid Vicious vs. Kevin Nash

You win by using a powerbomb instead of a pin or a submission because we just couldn’t have either guy do a real job for the sake of…..probably some legal deal actually. Nash takes over to start and hits the framed elbow and a side slam for two. A low blow breaks up Sid’s powerbomb attempt and it’s time to go outside so they don’t have to wrestle. Sid hits him in the back with a chair but stops to tell the fans to shut up. Good grief dude at least know what you’re supposed to be doing out there. Back in and Sid tries to start a powerbomb chant but the fans are mostly silent. Well to be fair that’s what Sid wanted.

The referee FINALLY GETS BUMPED, right before Sid hits a powerbomb. Cue Jeff Jarrett with a guitar to knock Sid out cold. The referee slowly gets up and Nash loads up a powerbomb but his back is out. Now the referee turns around as Nash is holding his back and Sid is down. Nash: “Yeah I powerbombed him.” Referee: “WELL OK THEN!” Nash wins. Scott Hudson: “I refuse to refer to Nash as the master of the powerbomb!” Oh dang man. No Scott Hudson endorsement? This is a sham of a reign as powerbomb master!

Rating: F. Failure, freaking stupid, for the love of all things good and holy, for goodness’ sake, fire them both. Pick any two and that’s what the F stands for here. I actually had to get up and walk around for a bit before I started talking about this. They somehow booked a match built around one finisher and then they couldn’t even do that finish because Nash didn’t want to do the powerbomb.

From a kayfabe perspective, how freaking horrible do the referees in this company look? Ranging from staying down for five minutes off a single shot to not being able to see a tag literally three feet in front of them to saying “yeah, sure I’ll believe you when you say you powerbombed him. You would never lie”, these are the worst referees I’ve ever seen. Oh and then there’s Roddy Piper who has a young boy doing his work for him and who hears voices in his head. I would do a Randy Orton joke there but Orton is too good for this show.

Benoit says the open challenge is still, uh, open.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. ???

Ladder match and the title is officially vacant coming in The mystery opponent is……Jeff Jarrett, because why have two Jarrett segments when you can have three??? And my goodness did he change from jeans to gear in a hurry. It’s a brawl in the aisle to start with Benoit chopping Jeff into the ring. Something like an Irish Curse drops Jarrett and a superplex allows Benoit to go get the first ladder.

Jarrett gets up and hits a baseball slide to drive the ladder into Benoit, but Chris whips him into the ladder in the corner a few times to take over again. Benoit gets crotched against the ladder for something like a Russian legsweep out of the corner. Chris is busted open but still able to tie Jeff in the Tree of Woe in the standing ladder, only to find out that it’s hard to climb a ladder with someone hanging from the other side.

Both guys go up until Jarrett gets knocked down, followed by both guys going up and getting knocked over for nice crashes. In the best spot of the match, Benoit goes up but Jarrett dropkicks the ladder out from underneath him, sending Benoit down for a huge crash. Benoit is up first and dropkicks the ladder onto Jarrett but Benoit would rather drop a Swan Dive off the top of the ladder instead of grab the belt. Now he goes up and gets the belt for the win.

Rating: B. That might be high but anything above horrible would be ten times better than everything else on this show. Best match of the night here by about 19,000 years and naturally it only has ten minutes because we needed to give Oklahoma two matches and have the really stupid David Flair match instead of giving this another eight minutes. There isn’t much to say here other than the guys were doing big spots and making them look good. In other words, the polar opposite of everything else tonight.

We recap Goldberg vs. Hart, which started over Hart wanting to give Goldberg a title shot, and then became an Outsiders story involving the Tag Team Titles. Other than a few one off promos, these two have barely addressed each other.

Bret says he’s winning whether Goldberg likes it or not.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Goldberg

No DQ and there must be a winner with Bret defending. Instead of asking if we’re ready to rumble, Buffer tells us we’re ready because the fans would probably boo such a question out of the building for making this last even longer. You know how most of the time at Wrestlemania the main event eats up like 40 minutes? The bell here rings with just over thirteen minutes to go in the show. For some reason it would feel wrong if the main event of the biggest show of the year had more time than that.

They shake hands and we’re ready to go. Goldberg shoves him down out of a lockup to start but Bret takes him down with a headlock. That goes nowhere so Goldberg gorilla presses him into a powerslam for two. Goldberg tries that rolling leglock but Bret turns it into an early Sharpshooter attempt as only he could do. They fight outside with the referee getting bumped. It’s not even a big deal at this point.

Robinson comes out as a replacement and an overly excited (and likely drunk) fan is dancing badly in the front row. A big boot puts Hart down back inside but Robinson gets bumped on a hiptoss. Goldberg spears the turnbuckle as the third referee comes down to see Bret put on the Figure Four around the post. Back in and Bret starts in on the leg and puts on a regular Figure Four. The turn sends Bret running for the ropes so he wraps the leg around the middle rope in the corner.

Goldberg reverses and hammers away but referee number three goes down. There’s the Bret Killer superkick to set up the spear but a dejected Roddy Piper comes out to be the fourth referee. Bret, apparently having shrugged off the spear kicks Goldberg in the knee and MONTREAL STRIKES AGAIN as Piper calls for the bell before Bret turns the Sharpshooter over. Hudson: “NOT MONTREAL ALL OVER AGAIN!” Yes it’s Montreal all over again, because THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING THEY COULD POSSIBLY DO!

Rating: D-. The match was watchable but between the whole ending Bret Hart’s career and going back to a fake Montreal over two years later with Bret on the good end this time is one of the worst possible ideas they could have come up with. If you want Bret to keep the title on a screwjob then have someone lay Goldberg out from behind or whatever, but good night don’t do it like this. I mean, if this is the best they can think of, just close the doors now because Russo is clearly not what he’s cracked up to be (oh gee what an understatement) and they need to find ANYONE else to give the reigns over to immediately.

Piper hands Bret the belt and walks off to end the show.

Overall Rating: No. No no, no no no, no no, no no. This is flat out not acceptable as the biggest show of the year for any promotion, or as a show for any serious promotion actually. Where in the world do I even start? Well let’s start at the ending actually, as the main event was the longest match of the night at 12:07. This past week’s episode of Raw had two matches longer than that and that’s a run of the mill TV show.

Above all else, this felt like it could be any given filler pay per view where they’re not trying. I know WCW had mixed feelings about how big of a deal Starrcade really was, but at least they would usually give lip service to the fact that it’s the biggest night of the year. This felt like Fall Brawl or Uncensored instead of Starrcade and that’s a feeling that you can’t shake off no matter what.

Starrcade 1999 was Vince Russo with time to come up with his best possible ideas. Somehow he’s managed to produce the one of the worst Wrestlemanias and the one of the worst Starrcades of all time, IN THE SAME YEAR. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to do that in the span of about nine months? So much of this can be blamed on the writing and booking too. When you have thirteen matches in a show that runs less than two hours and forty five minutes, there’s very little the wrestlers can do to make the thing work.

The Mamalukes vs. Disco/Lash was the best match of the night until Chris Benoit and a ladder took their top spot. That’s almost inconceivable that a totally average tag match was as good as this show could do for about 80% of the card. These stories are thrown together with no real rhyme or reason to most of them and at some point the fans just gave up. Yeah, it worked back in the WWF in 1999, but it’s the same argument made about TNA now: why would I want to watch a lite version of the same stories with lesser and older talent doing the work?

There comes a point where you have to show your audience some respect or they’re going to turn on you. That’s where Russo doesn’t get the point: he thinks the fans are going to follow whatever he does because they’re watching a wrestling show and therefore aren’t that smart. That means he can throw some big series of swerves at us and expect us to just go with it with an explanation of “YOU DIDN’T SEE IT COMING!” and then somehow blame us for not getting it. I know this is rambling but after watching this disaster there’s no way to have any sort of coherent thought process.

It’s just one big surprise after another, but the problem is you can start to see the surprises coming about half an hour into the show. If you train your audience to expect a big swerve, it stops being a swerve and becomes part of the plot. Piper coming out at the end of the big swerve would have worked better if we didn’t have so many people turning on each other or one big surprise after another for two and a half hours leading up to it.

It doesn’t help that Piper is a legend and hasn’t had a good match in about seven years at this point but he’s being featured as a major plot point for a story that people don’t care about. The build for this show didn’t make me want to see it and then the show itself was horrible, making me have no desire to keep tuning in.

What is there that’s left untied here? Nash wins to show Sid is worthless, Hall is probably going to come back and take the title from Benoit, and we get to see more Jeff Jarrett. The big cliffhanger here is “WHY DID PIPER SCREW BRET???” If that’s the big question going into Nitro tomorrow, I have zero desire to keep watching this promotion, but I’m sure it’s my fault for not supporting Russo like he deserves for putting on all this EXCITING TV for me. Total disaster of a show and more like hitting a rock wall instead of starting some new chapter in the company’s history as the year is coming to a close.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Thunder
Date: December 16, 1999
Location: Mobile Civic Center, Mobile, Alabama
Attendance: 3,889
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Scott Hudson, Juventud Guerrera

It’s the final show before Starrcade and the big question is how can WCW screw this up even further. In theory we’re getting big stars again tonight, but as we saw last week, that means nothing if the longest match is like four minutes and nothing comes from it. Also, how many big names lose heading into the biggest show of the year? Let’s get to it.

Here are Sid and Benoit to open the show, apparently having forgotten Sid destroying Benoit at Fall Brawl three months ago. Sid talks about the war with the Outsiders and guarantees that it’s a war they can’t win. There are no escapes or retreats, but plenty of surrenders. Actually there won’t be because you made sure it was a powerbomb match so neither guy has to job.

Benoit talks about Hall’s history in ladder matches, while making sure to name drop the WWF as many times as he can. This Sunday, Benoit becomes the new king of the ladder. A challenge is made for a tag match tonight but here are Hennig/Creative Control/La Parka/Shane. Curt says the Outsiders are busy fighting Goldberg/Hart in a House of Pain match tonight, so Benoit and Sid can fight each other or be suspended for six months without pay. Who gave Hennig authority?

Juventud Guerrera comes out for commentary and does two Rock lines before the segment is over. I get the idea here but it’s just not that funny.

Sting jumps Diamond Dallas Page for the attack on Monday. Page looks for Sting after a break.

Vampiro vs. Buff Bagwell

For the first time, we hear about Vampiro getting five minutes with Oklahoma if he beats Dr. Death on Sunday. A bad shoulder puts Vampiro down and here’s Oklahoma to watch. Vampiro strikes away in the corner but gets slammed down off the top. Buff counters a hurricanrana with a powerbomb but let’s look at singer Aaron Neville in the crowd along with the less than 2000 people who paid to get in. A superkick puts Buff on the floor but Vampiro has to glare at Oklahoma, which brings in Jerry Only and Williams for a standoff. As they fight, Oklahoma gets in a barbecue bottle shot, setting up the Blockbuster for the pin.

Rating: D. This was another waste of time with the match just being there as a backdrop for the Oklahoma/Williams/Misfits nonsense. But at least we got to see the barbecue spot, and that’s funny because it’s something Jim Ross done and Jim Ross being himself is funny in some way I guess. Right?

Vampiro gets covered in barbecue sauce to continue the unfunny joke.

Prince Iaukea and Paisley don’t have much to say. Literally, Prince’s new thing is he doesn’t talk.

The Artist Form of Prince Iaukea vs. Evan Karagias

Non-title and Evan now has Spice with him. Well that’s an upgrade. Juvy says this will be the jabroni match of the week. Jot that down: a champion is a jabroni. Prince points at Evan so Evan twists the finger back. Some right hands set up a springboard cross body for two on Prince but Iaukea dropkicks him out to the floor. Cue Madusa to fight with Spice because this show can’t have a five minute match without someone coming to the ring. Paisley gets beaten up as well as Evan hits a missile dropkick on Prince. He tries to break up the girls though and Iaukea grabs a rollup for the pin, three days before a title defense.

Madusa slaps Evan post match so he leaves with Spice.

Page and Sting go at it in the back when another Sting comes up to go after the original Sting. It’s clearly Luger, but in case it wasn’t obvious enough, Page shouts LUGER as the fake Sting leaves.

Jim Duggan/Midnight vs. Asya/Perry Saturn

Shane sits in on commentary. The guys start things off with Duggan cranking on the arm and putting on a chinlock maybe 45 seconds into the match. Back up and Duggan starts a clubberin before clotheslining Saturn into the corner. It’s off to the girls with Midnight dropkicking her down so it’s off to Saturn for MAN ON WOMAN VIOLENCE! Where would we be without that?

Saturn hammers away in the corner and scores with a suplex as Harlem Heat comes down. The girls collide and it’s back to the guys with Duggan coming in for his old 80s offense. Everything breaks down and Midnight is sent to the floor, but Stevie throws her right back in. Shane comes in and clotheslines Saturn by mistake so Dean brings in the 2×4, only to have Duggan take it away and nail Saturn for the pin.

Rating: C-. Somehow, that’s 7:20 worth of wrestling but even worse, it’s probably as good as this show is going to have. The amount of time helped it a bit, but the problem this company has isn’t the lack of good wrestling but the lack of wrestling period. It’s very telling that I’m so starved for actual wrestling on these shows that a thirty second run from Duggan, who was a total brawler for most of his career, was one of the best parts of either Thunder or Nitro this week.

The Revolution beats down Duggan but Aaron Neville and Booker T. make the save. Was Neville really necessary there? WWF had Mike Tyson the year before this, but WCW has some country singer in his late 50s at this point.

David Flair screams at Gene Okerlund for no logical reason.

Sting swings his ball bat and looks for Luger.

Hardcore Title: Norman Smiley vs. David Flair

Norman, in Alabama football gear, uses a trashcan to block an early crowbar shot. They trade trashcan shots, followed by Norman’s spinning slam. David breaks up the spanking dance with a trashcan lid to the head but Meng comes out and destroys David’s teddy bear, sending Norman running away for…….wait for it…….a countout in a Hardcore Title match. Since that’s against the rules, doesn’t that mean that this match is still going on over fifteen years later?

Smiley runs from the arena.

Sting wants Luger out here right now because he knows it was him under that mask. Cue Luger, still dressed as Sting, for a beating from the real version. Juvy thinks it’s Ric Flair (Black Scorpion reference?) as Luger blocks the third Stinger Splash by raising a boot. Liz pulls the bat away from Luger, allowing Sting to Rack him (there’s a rarity). That knocks Liz down though, allowing Luger to get in some cheap shots with the bat on Sting before running away.

Post break, Sting doesn’t want medical help.

Luger drives away. Bye.

The Wall vs. Steve Williams

Oklahoma jumps in on commentary because what else is he going to do? Wall’s shoulder block is stopped by the powers of AMERICA before Williams hammers away with right hands and a slam. Williams charges into a boot and let’s cut to Chavo Guerrero selling stuff in the crowd. The fans chant for Chavo as Berlyn chases Oklahoma off and nails Williams with some foreign object for the DQ.

Rating: D. So not only are we seeing Ferrara as the Jim Ross impersonator, but now we have to sit through Steve Williams getting matches on TV? He’s fun to watch for a power guy, but you would think there are other people who could perform the role just as well. Like, the Wall for example?

Wall and Berlyn argue.

Nitro recap.

Buzzkill has fans sign a petition. He doesn’t actually say for what, but hopefully it’s his release so he can go be Brad Armstrong in the indies.

Curt Hennig vs. Dustin Rhodes

Before the match, Dustin calls Jeff Jarrett slap happy and promises to be his daddy Sunday night. Hennig jumps him to start but Dustin slams him right back down. This brings Shane inside but he gets caught in the corner for Shattered Dreams. Curt hammers away again and there go the lights. JUST LET THEM WRESTLE! Some guy dressed like Seven flies to the ring with a guitar and nails Dustin for the DQ. My goodness. You have Curt Hennig and Dustin Rhodes and think they need a screwy finish? Those two could wrestle a passable match in their sleep but they get two and a half minutes and a run-in? Really?

Jarrett (like it was going to be anyone else) and Hennig destroy Dustin post match.

After a break and some ads, Jeff Jarrett calls the Rhodes Family a bunch of slapnuts.

Chris Benoit/Sid Vicious vs. Creative Control/Curt Hennig/Shane/La Parka

Sid wants the Powers That Be to come out here and fight like men. The twins go after Benoit to start as Sid mauls the other three. Benoit comes back on the twins as Sid beats Hennig up on the floor. The twins get beaten up by Benoit’s ladder but Gerald saves Patrick from the Crossface. Curt gets back in and nails Benoit with the ladder and that’s a DQ. Nice two minute seven man handicap match.

Sid and Benoit get beaten down. What this has to do with or makes me want to see Sid vs. Nash and Benoit vs. Hall is beyond me. But at least the heels get to look strong and heels are cool right?

Piper is going to be the gatekeeper for the cage match tonight. Oh yay.

Kanyon vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Why this isn’t on Starrcade instead of Page vs. David Flair is another of life’s great mysteries. Guerrera calls Kanyon Shampoo instead of Champagne. The Champagne character works fine as Kanyon being in a movie and letting it go to his head makes sense, especially when you consider how minimal his contribution was (he was a stunt man) compared to all of the wrestlers who starred in the movie and don’t act all stuck up. Now of course that wasn’t intentional in this company, but it’s a nice touch. Anyway, Page comes out to talk trash of his own but gets gum spat in his face to get things going.

Biggs does commentary as Page hits a neckbreaker but can’t hit an early Diamond Cutter. A Rock Bottom gets two for Page until Kanyon comes back with a lot of choking. Kanyon loads up a tilt-a-whirl but Page busts out a headscissors of all things to take Kanyon down. That’s a new one for him. The announcers babble on about green cards as Kanyon stomps away in the corner. Page comes back with a clothesline and some punches but Biggs gets up on the apron, only to hit his client by mistake. There’s the Diamond Cutter but David Flair comes in with the crowbar to knock Page silly and give Kanyon the win.

Rating: D+. Not a horrible match but the run-in continues to screw with whatever good stuff this show could have going for it. At least Kanyon has a new character which works well enough for him, but what has happened to Diamond Dallas Page recently? The guy has gone from World Champion to just there in about eight months.

Bam Bam Bigelow runs in but gets laid out by a champagne bottle.

Piper beats up Creative Control with a pipe.

Bret walks to the ring until the director yells CUT.

Nash can’t find Hall. Uh oh.

Starrcade ad.

A medic runs into the Outsiders’ locker room, apparently due to an attack on Scott Hall.

Tag Team Titles: Outsiders vs. Goldberg/Bret Hart

The Outsiders are defending and this is a House of Pain match, which means a cage with a roof on it but you win by handcuffing your opponents to the cage. In other words, it’s a way to keep people from having to job. Roddy Piper is gatekeeper but Creative Control and Jeff Jarrett beats him down during the entrances. Nash and Hart fight in the ring as Goldberg runs out and attacks Jarrett and the twins as Piper shrugs off a beating, including a series of lead pipe shots, to clean house.

Goldberg rips the cage door off so he and Piper (now with the lead pipe) can come in. Jeff follows them in with guitars for Goldberg and Piper but Goldberg shrugs it off and spears Jeff down. Nash gets the pipe and hits Goldberg, allowing Jeff (fine ten seconds after the spear) to help chain Goldberg and Hart to the cage, presumably retaining the titles. Piper gets chained as well and Nash and Jarrett attack with the pipe before leaving. Goldberg rips the handcuffs from the cage to end the show.

No match of course but WOW. Nash just beat the main event of Starrcade in less than three minutes. Piper no sold pipe shots, Goldberg no sold a guitar shot, Jarrett no sold a spear, and then Goldberg no sold a beating with a pipe and ripped the handcuffs off. The World Title match wasn’t mentioned throughout this mess and basically the entire thing was a way to blow off a meaningless TV angle instead of focusing on the main event of Starrcade. Finally, well done on bringing that cage in. I’m so glad WCW spent the money to have it shipped over for a five minute appearance.

Overall Rating: F-. We are three days before Starrcade. Think about that as you look at the card and you’ll understand why this is a failure. Vince Russo has turned this company into a show where I’m looking forward to Janitor Jim Duggan appearances because I might get thirty seconds of brawling disguised as wrestling. That’s what I’ve sunk to after all these messes over the last few months and now I get to see the Granddaddy of Them All dragged through the mud. It can’t……it can’t…….it’s going to get worse isn’t it?

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Monday Nitro #218
Date: December 13, 1999
Location: New Orleans, Arena, New Orleans, Louisiana
Attendance: 6,835
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

How is this already the go home show for Starrcade? Goldberg vs. Hart feels like a midcard match instead of the main event. Based on the amount of time given to each match, it would seem that the Mamalukes vs. Disco/Lash is headlining the card. I’m not even sure what all is on the card at this point. Let’s get to it.

We open with Benoit winning a fight against Jarrett in the back.

Opening sequence.

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea vs. Maestro

Between the piano being lowered to the stage (with Symphony back) and Iaukea’s slow artsy entrance, we’re ready to go at nearly ten minutes into the show. Maestro throws him to the floor to start before planting him with a spinebuster back inside. The girls get into it and Prince grabs a rollup with a handful of tights for the pin.

Post match, here’s Jarrett with the guitars to knock out both guys. Jeff wants a Bunkhouse Brawl (another name for hardcore of course) with Benoit tonight.

Nash is looking for Hall.

Evan Karagias hits on Spice but Madusa comes up to get in a catfight.

Here’s Bret Hart with something to say. He talks about how much he respects Goldberg, but guarantees a win this Sunday. Cue Goldberg, complete with the full security entrance. How did they know to knock on the door at that point? Goldberg wasn’t scheduled for a match, so did Dillinger just think “he might want to respond here?” He thinks Bret is going to be next on Sunday. I’m so glad it took two minutes to get to that point. This brings out the Outsiders who want their Tag Team Titles back. Hall wants to fight now but Nash has to go finish his coffee.

Gene looks down at Madusa’s chest as she promises to hurt Spice tonight. This is another of those jokes that are only funny to Russo and Ferrara so we’re getting it on national TV.

Terry Taylor tells Luger that he has a tag match against Diamond Dallas Page/Sting with David Flair as his partner. This was announced earlier in the night, which explains why Luger is so surprised. I wouldn’t watch the show either.

David Flair chases off a delivery man for reasons of general insanity.

Madusa vs. Spice

Madusa quickly takes her down to start and hammers away but Evan comes in to say calm down. Spice is helpless as Madusa wants Evan to slug her, but Evan won’t do it. Madusa gets in a cheap shot and covers Madusa (with two limbs in the ropes) for the pin. Your #1 contender everyone.

Post match Madusa kisses Evan and suplexes him.

Hennig is ready for Bagwell tonight. Those two are fighting again? Rhonda Singh comes in and Russo makes fat jokes. He won’t talk to her unless she has an agent.

Revolution recap.

Jim Duggan comes out to say he has three mystery partners on Sunday. He survived surgery to fight for this country and spend time with his wife and children. The lights go out and come back on to reveal Duggan out cold.

Roddy Piper is going to referee Bagwell vs. Hennig. Russo tells him to do the right thing.

Curt Hennig vs. Buff Bagwell

Roddy Piper is guest referee and makes it a No DQ match just because. Buff throws Hennig down a few times and poses before planting Curt with a slam. This leads to Hennig arguing with Piper for some reason, allowing Buff to grab a rollup for two. Buzzkill is in the crowd and wants to save baby seals. Again I ask, why is this supposed to be funny?

Curt comes back with right hands and chops, followed by the namesake neck snap. Piper counts slowly to start another argument. He begs Curt to slap him but the distraction lets Buff fight back with a swinging neckbreaker. Buff’s splash hits knees, but Piper and Hennig get in a fight, allowing Buff to grab a rollup for the pin with a very fast count.

Rating: D. What is this storyline? Russo and Piper hate each other because Piper has to be on TV (because he was big in the 80s you see) and now Piper is on TV as a referee but he’s being told to do the right thing, which sounds like Russo speak for let his guys win, but I think Piper is rebelling against him? Oh and Piper seems to be schizophrenic because he keeps talking to the voices in his head.

An unhappy Creative Control is on stage.

Luger goes in to see David Flair and is scared by what he sees in the locker room.

Chris Benoit vs. Jeff Jarrett

Bunkhouse match, meaning a come as you are street fight. Jeff brings a cowbell, a guitar and a bar stool so Benoit comes out with a ladder. The brawl starts in the aisle with Jeff getting the better of it and getting the cowbell because cowboys are awesome. They’re like boys, but with cows. Benoit comes back by choking with the bullrope and taking Jeff inside for two off a backbreaker. It’s ladder time but Jeff baseball slides it into Benoit’s face.

A whip into the ladder has Benoit in even more trouble but he throws Jeff into it as well to make things even. Benoit pulls him off the ladder but Jeff pulls him down with the rope. Cue Dustin Rhodes but Charles Robinson breaks up Shattered Dreams. There’s a guitar to Dustin, at the exact same time he kicks Jeff low. Benoit goes up top but Dustin is shoved into the ladder to send Benoit down in a crash to give Jarrett the pin.

Rating: D+. There were some decent spots here but the ending was, of course, a mess. I don’t know why Dustin Rhodes is here as the man in black, especially when he’s fighting because they’ve moved on from the idea of Dustin fighting because the Powers That Be fired Dusty. Instead it’s just Dustin Rhodes being Dustin Rhodes which isn’t interesting.

Luger doesn’t have much to say about the tag match but David Flair has a headless teddy bear.

A sports car arrives.

Piper goes into Russo’s office with a ball bat but Hennig nails him with a chair. So Curt is La Parka?

Meng vs. Tank Abbott

Oh sweet merciful goodness. This is a hardcore match because would you want to see them try to wrestle? They slug it out to start as this is designed to look like a shoot. Abbott takes him to the mat and they fight to the floor for a quick double countout. This is the guy Russo wanted to put the World Title on a month later?

Kanyon was in the car and seems to now be a pimp.

Police stop Piper from going after the Powers That Be.

Meng and Abbott are still fighting in the back.

Revolution vs. Harlem Heat/Midnight

Before the match we get the usual “we hate America” jazz. Dean: “We’ve got heat tonight.” Saturn: “Yeah listen to these people.” Dean: “No. Harlem Heat.” I’m not sure how to feel about that exchange. The lights go out for Midnight and come back with Saturn going after Malenko, presumably out of confusion. Booker takes Dean down to start and it’s already Spinarooni time. Off to Stevie for a slam but Booker tags himself back in.

That’s not cool with Stevie as he wanted Midnight to get the tag for reasons not entirely clear. The Revolution quickly takes over with Saturn stomping away in the corner and tagging in Dean, who walks right into the Bookend. Stevie gets the tag but Booker tags himself back in after just a few seconds. Saturn hits Asya by mistake as Stevie tags himself back in to fight Dean and Saturn at the same time. Everything breaks down and Midnight injures her knee on a leapfrog. Booker checks on the knee, leaving Stevie to get rolled up for the pin.

Rating: D+. This was an angle instead of a match but I’m glad we’re starting the latest Harlem Heat split. There’s nothing left for the two of them to do together and it means we might get to the long overdue Booker push. The match was nothing special but at least we got more man vs. woman.

Stevie yells at his brother.

Luger says Liz won’t be there with David tonight because Liz works for him alone. So we have female property.

Rhonda Singh asks Kanyon’s agent (J. Biggs, Clarence Mason from the WWF) to represent her. It turns out she can sing and dance. The agent isn’t interested, but Chavo comes up to sell Singh dancing gear. I don’t see this ending well.

Paul Orndorff is here and summoned to see the Powers That Be.

The Nitro Girls dance when Rhonda joins them in glittery attire. She’s horrible of course and shrugs off an attack by the Girls. So in the span of ten minutes, we have man vs. woman, Liz as Luger’s property and now this. How long until Russo gets fired?

Finlay is still training Knobbs on how to be hardcore.

Norman Smiley and Jerry Flynn fight in the boiler room. That goes nowhere until Meng and Abbott wander in. Norman and Meng get out while Abbott and Flynn fight.

Orndorff is in the office, where Russo fires him for training Midnight. Paul yells, so he’s put in a match with Creative Control.

Sid has a kid named Seth who he calls his coach. Seth says Sid is his favorite wrestler in the world. I think the kid has Downs Syndrome. If he does, I have no issue with this segment whatsoever.

Steve Williams vs. Sid Vicious

Oh man. Imagine this one in 1989 with JR on commentary. Instead it’s 1999 with Oklahoma. Before the match, Oklahoma says the Powers That Be have made this a suplex vs. powerbomb match, which I assume means the first person to hit that finisher wins. Dr. Death jumps Sid as he’s sitting the kid down at ringside because he’s really evil. Back in and Williams hammers away as Oklahoma lists off the resume. Sid blocks some suplexes and hammers away but Oklahoma slips his boot to Williams. He knocks Sid out but Vampiro appears to chase Oklahoma, allowing Sid to powerbomb Williams for the win.

Post match the Outsiders run in and lay out Sid to make sure the kid doesn’t get to smile any longer than he should. Sure the kid has a horrible disease, but is that any reason for the Outsiders to not look good?

Post break, Sid is looked at by a doctor and the Outsiders think it’s funny.

David Flair/Total Package vs. Diamond Dallas Page/Sting

Did Page turn face again and I missed it? I know he’s been going after David but heel vs. heel is hardly unheard of under Russo. David has the headless bear with him but takes a Stinger Splash in the first 45 seconds. Sting tags Page in with a right hand to start a fight between the two of them. Now it’s Page taking a splash but Luger sneaks in with a running clothesline to Sting, followed by some crowbar shots. Liz sneaks in to take the crowbar away before laying over Sting to stop some chair shots. David hits Luger with the crowbar so Liz puts Sting over Luger for the pin (from the referee who saw ALL OF THIS). What a mess.

Singh comes up to Champagne Kanyon and the agent in the back and asks if they liked her dance. This goes nowhere so Bam Bam Bigelow comes up and gets in Kanyon’s face. The agent offers a distraction so Kanyon can beat him down. Kanyon: “Triad that!”

After a break, Bigelow comes to the ring and demands Kanyon come out here for a match.

Kanyon vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Before the match, Biggs wants to talk about legal ramifications and gets shoved to the side so Bigelow can punch Kanyon in the face. Some biting and stomps to the head have Kanyon in even more trouble but he comes back with a swinging neckbreaker. A suplex sets up a World’s Strongest Slam to Kanyon and there’s the top rope headbutt a bit low. Kanyon is up and fine ten seconds later with the Flatliner (now called That’s A Wrap) connecting for a clean pin.

Rating: D. Did…..did that match just end clean? Did I just see a match without any interference or cheating? You always hear about these things but you never expect to actually see them happen. It was boring stuff though and the ending came out of nowhere with Kanyon just popping up and hitting his finisher for the pin.

Norman hides from Meng.

The Mamalukes have a body bag for Lash.

Piper babbles about his chair match later.

Lash Leroux vs. Big Vito

This is a body bag match, which I’m assuming is like a casket match. Lash sucks up to his hometown to start. Vito pounds away to start and nails a superkick for two. Back up and Lash nails a backdrop followed by an elbow to the jaw to send Vito into the corner. A side slam and legdrop get two more, followed by a Disco Inferno style middle rope elbow drop. Disco and Johnny fight on the floor as Lash nails the Whiplash. He puts Vito mostly in the bag which is enough for the win, even though you can see Vito’s head and shoulders.

Rating: D+. Was there any point to this being a body bag match? I certainly don’t think so, but I’m just a wrestling fan and therefore don’t understand such nuances. Nothing match here as the tag match is still set up, even though it’s not likely going to be anything special to see. At least this story has gotten some consistent TV time though and I can see what they’re going for.

Post match the Mamalukes destroy Lash and put him in the bag, eventually taking him out to their car.

Paul Orndorff vs. Creative Control

So yeah, Orndorff is back and in a match. I’ll set the over/under on run-ins here at 5.5. Paul kicks Patrick in the knee to start and puts him down with a knee lift. Gerald gets suplexed for trying to come in and an elbow drop gets two. Orndorff chokes him with a rope but Patrick makes the save to start the obvious beatdown. Cue Anderson (you remember him Paul. He’s the guy that broke your neck and ended your career) and Zbyszko to help beat up the twins, allowing Orndorff to piledrive Patrick for the pin.

Rating: D-. I’ve never been the biggest Paul Orndorff fan (I don’t dislike him but I never got the massive appeal) but you just had him hold his own and beat last week’s Tag Team Champions. Yeah he had help, but the Harris Brothers should have a lot less trouble beating up two guys who retired due to neck issues and a commentator who has wrestled like four times in three years.

Slick Johnson reverses the decision and names Creative Control the winners by DQ. Good for them I suppose.

The Mamalukes open the body bag and find….Norman Smiley. Their reactions are actually funny.

Curt Hennig vs. Roddy Piper

Chairs match and another pairing that would have rocked in 1989. Piper apparently has a torn bicep so Hennig goes right after the arm. Roddy comes back with some chair shots and Hennig leaves after about 70 seconds. I see zero point to this match existing.

Bret Hart has been attacked and Goldberg checks on him.

Tag Team Titles: Bret Hart/Goldberg vs. Outsiders

Hall and Nash are challenging. Goldberg comes out to fight alone and does just fine to start with the superkick dropping Nash and a right hand sending Hall to the floor with him. Back in and Hall officially starts for the team with a wristlock but gets put down with the AA’s second cousin. A pumphandle slam sends Hall running to the corner and it’s off to Nash. Kevin tries his luck by running the ropes but walks into a powerslam for two.

The numbers game starts catching up with Goldberg though and Hall’s cheap shot lets Nash take over. The running crotch attack to the back gets two on Goldberg and Hall plants him with a chokeslam. Hart limps down and slugs away for the save. Nash gets caught in the Sharpshooter but Hall makes the save. Everything breaks down with Hall getting kicked down, right before Nash brings in the title belt. Bret punches him down but his knee goes out, despite Nash not touching him, allowing Nash to get the pin and the titles, just before Goldberg Jackhammers Hall.

Rating: D. Angle instead of a match here, but thank goodness they managed to get the World Champion pinned six days before Starrcade and give Hall a second (or third if you consider the TV Title still around) title. This is the problem with having the World Title match participants as champions, but giving it to them for four days made it even dumber.

Trash fills the ring to end the show.

Overall Rating: F+. Well let’s see: #1 contender for the Cruiserweight Title loses to a non-wrestler, Sid gets beaten down again, the World Champion gets pinned, Jeff Jarrett still isn’t interesting and Hennig and Piper set up and blew off an angle in one night with a match barely breaking a minute. Somehow, this is their go home show (Thunder hasn’t meant anything in ages) for the biggest show of the year. Russo booking Starrcade scares the heck out of me and this didn’t do anything to make it better.

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Monday Nitro #217
Date: December 6, 1999
Location: Milwaukee Arena, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Attendance: 7,250
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

The big question this week is can WCW somehow manage to make the shows even less coherent than they already have. Last week’s show had its moments, but for the most part it was all over the place to the point where I can barely remember what happened just a week later. Starrcade is thirteen days away and we’ve barely touched on the card. We actually have a title match announced from Thunder as Bret will defend against Luger. Let’s get to it.

We open with Gene bringing out Jeff Jarrett for an interview. Jeff doesn’t need Slapnuts Okerlund and will do the interview himself. Jarrett also doesn’t need the Powers That Be or the Outsiders but he does need the WCW World Title. The fans start swearing at him and the attempted beeping out is laughably awful. He wants to get rid of Dustin Rhodes for screwing up his destiny and he’ll do it in a Bunkhouse Stampede match at Starrcade.

This brings him to Mike Tenay, who won’t come near him anymore. Jeff threatens Gene with a guitar shot but Tenay comes out and says he’ll take matters into his own hands. Jeff doesn’t care and puts Tenay in the Figure Four until Goldberg runs in for the save. Hopefully that ends the Tenay angle but I doubt it does.

The Mamalukes and Tony Marinara arrive with Tony yelling at them for letting Disco and Lash get the better of them. Tonight, they meet the boss.

Curt Hennig brings Curly Bill in to see Russo with a new gimmick in mind: Shane. Russo says it’s as bad as Vincent but at least he’s thinking. Shane is hired. Hey, I’m not sure if you knew this, but there are people named Vince and Shane in the WWF. It’s not clear why mentioning them is supposed to be amusing or entertaining, but those people do in fact exist. Rhonda Singh comes in and asks for an opportunity.

Fit Finlay has Brian Knobbs in the woods, training him to be a REAL hardcore wrestler. This has potential, but Norman would be far more entertaining.

Hardcore Title: Norman Smiley vs. Rhonda Singh

What is the deal with Russo having men fight women? It happens almost every week. Before the match, Smiley says he would take Finlay apart if he was here tonight. The fat jokes begin as Singh throws weapons into the ring and nails Norman with a trashcan. She tells him to be a man and hits another trashcan shot, followed by a splash in the corner. Norman comes back with a fire extinguisher blast and sends Singh face first through a table in the corner to retain.

Rating: F. I feel sorry for women who sign up with WCW, thinking they might be able to do something serious on the show. Instead, they’re there so Russo can either have them treated as sex objects or there to be fat and stupid. As usual, this show is Russo’s playground and the idea of it being anything resembling a wrestling show is purely coincidental.

Maestro is complaining that his piano is out of tune. He looks inside so David Flair can come up, slam the lid on his head, and kidnap Symphony. This is the stupid stuff that is dragging this show down. We’ve spent about a month explaining that David Flair is a psycho who keeps kidnapping/stalking women, and NO ONE HAS DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT. On top of that, this doesn’t seem to be leading to a match or any kind of storyline resolution, but it keeps happening week after week like a bad TV show. If it sets up a match then fine, but stop wasting my time otherwise.

Psychosis and La Parka are in Russo’s office. Apparently Juvy has hurt his arm and can’t defend the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title in his rematch against Liger tonight. One of the two of them will take Juvy’s place, and it’s going to be whoever gets out of the office first. Psychosis nails Parka and leaves first. This is what Vince Russo thinks of cruiserweights.

Luger comes up to Liz’s door with champagne and says this is the night that defines their careers.

Disco and Lash invade Marinara’s dressing room with promises of pizza.

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title: Psychosis vs. Jushin Thunder Liger

This is the second time in a year that Psychosis is defending a title he didn’t win. Feeling out process to start with Liger taking over with a headscissors. A backdrop sends Psychosis to the floor but let’s stop to look at Buzzkill in the crowd. Liger nails a plancha but Psychosis snaps his throat across the top for a breather.

Psychosis hits a missile dropkick for two and yells at Charles Robinson for the near fall. Back to the floor with Liger being whipped into the barricade, setting up a top rope hurricanrana to give Psychosis two back inside. A quick Liger Kick stuns Psychosis and Liger throws him into the ropes for a crash. Out of nowhere, a majistral cradle gives Liger the title back.

Rating: C. The fans didn’t care, but a lot of that is likely due to most of them not being familiar with Liger or the title. Both Liger and the title have been thrown out there two weeks in a row with no real explanation of who they are or why they’re here. I’m sure some fans remember Liger from his occasional appearances, but the majority seem to think of him as just another guy fighting for a title that isn’t the Cruiserweight belt.

La Parka chairs Psychosis post match to make sure Liger gets zero focus.

The Nitro Girls play cards when the Mamalukes come in and make it a strip poker game.

Liz will have nothing to do with Luger’s apologies.

Maestro looks for Symphony.

Gene keeps staring at Mona’s chest, prompting Mona to say she’s more than T&A, unlike Madusa.

Evan Karagias vs. Mona vs. Madusa

If either girl wins, they get a title shot at Evan at Starrcade. If Evan wins, he gets Starrcade off. The girls shove Evan away and go at it themselves with Madusa kicking her in the face for two. Evan sits in on commentary because EVERY MATCH NEEDS COMMENTARY. Mona comes back with a cross body and missile dropkick but Evan throws her down, only to get small packaged by Madusa for the pin in like 80 seconds.

Jeff Jarrett comes out and guitars Madusa because men beating up women is funny right? He challenges Goldberg for later.

Lash and Disco have tied Tony up and promise him a surprise.

Liz pours champagne on Luger’s head.

Maestro is still looking for Symphony and doesn’t notice when he walks past David.

Vampiro and Jerry Only are going to take out Dr. Death tonight.

Oklahoma/Steve Williams vs. Vampiro/Jerry Only

Oklahoma has a wireless mic on, no shirt, and is going to call the match as he starts with Vampiro. To the shock of no one, Oklahoma runs away from the threat of violence and tags in Dr. Death for some three point tackles. We hit the spinning toehold before it’s back to Oklahoma, who can’t do the same hold. Vampiro comes back with a kick to the head, which makes me smile far more than it should.

Off to Williams vs. Only with Jerry getting caught in the running press slam. Oklahoma gets in a chair shot to Jerry as Williams hits the Stampede but pulls Vampiro up. That goes well for Vampiro as he superkicks Williams down, only to have Oklahoma nail him with a boot. Williams clotheslines Vampiro down and it’s off to Oklahoma for a bottom rope elbow and the pin.

Rating: F. The unfunny parody beats the wrestler the fans want to see in a match where the musician doesn’t have to look bad. It’s another case of WCW having no idea how their priorities should work and the show being about making the writers laugh instead of delivering what the fans might want to see.

The Nitro Girls cheat to beat the Mamalukes in the poker game.

Disco and Lash get ready to tar and feather Marinara. In the middle, Disco draws what looks to be a Hitler mustache on Tony.

The Outsiders are ready for their matches tonight.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Total Package

This is the opener of the second hour because the REAL main events are still to come. The champ jumps Luger during the removal of the pants and takes the fight outside. Hart goes after the back and then the knee as we continue this brief resurrection of the old Bret Hart style. Luger goes after the eyes for an escape and here are Sting and Liz. Sting yells at Liz and asks who she’s going to represent. The distraction lets Bret hit a quick Russian legsweep followed by the Sharpshooter to retain.

Rating: D. I love seeing Bret work the body parts like he did in the old days, but can we get a World Title match to close the show instead of giving it less time than the Oklahoma match? I’m sure I just don’t get the appeal of the comedy stylings of Oklahoma and that I’m over thinking the importance of the WCW World Heavyweight Championship, which has been reduced to a plot point in the Sting vs. Luger feud.

Here’s the Hennig/Shane/Singh segment from earlier. Not a repeat mind you, but the same segment which is presented like first run footage.

Russo offers La Parka the position of Chairman, meaning he’s supposed to chair anyone that stands in front of Russo. Harlem Heat comes in and are given a title shot at Starrcade, but La Parka nails Booker with a chair and Creative Control comes in for the beatdown.

Roddy Piper is here. Tonight he’s refereeing Creative Control vs. Roddy Piper. That’s not a typo.

David Flair talks to the voices in his head as Symphony wonders why she took this job.

Jerry Flynn issues an open challenge for the Block.

Asya vs. Midnight

These two might be the exception to Russo’s horrible treatment of women. The Revolution is now in full black attire with Shane ranting about how people tell him he can’t desecrate the flag. The fans’ chants have to be censored again and it’s another failure. Shane displays the Revolution flag and Saturn says they’re like the Black Panthers. The far bigger Midnight attacks to start and gets two off a dropkick. Asya gets two off a suplex but gets caught in Ricky Steamboat’s double chicken wing. A delayed vertical suplex gets two for Midnight but the Revolution comes in for the quick no contest.

Jim Duggan comes out for the save but gets beaten down and covered with the Revolution flag.

Larry Zbyszko talks to Mike Graham about an upcoming meeting with Russo and company.

We get the return of the Nitro Party tapes, but this one includes a “fan” (soon to be known as Daffney), saying that David Flair is really cool.

Creative Control vs. Roddy Piper

Piper is guest referee. Before the match, they have to do everything he says. Why don’t they have to do everything he says during the match as well? Or am I looking too deeply into this. Piper pats them both down and grabs one’s crotch (Piper: “I’m having a ball!”). This is an I Quit match, so the first rule is you win by making someone say they quit. The second rule is a kick between one of the twins’ legs, followed by the bell ringing.

Piper’s hand lock has no effect so the twins hit a pair of double gutbusters. Piper won’t give up so they load up a spike piledriver, drawing out Goldberg for the save. He botches the Jackhammer as Piper chokes the other one with a tie to win. So Bryan stole it from Piper? Also, nice job of having the Tag Team Champions lose.

Tony Marinara is tarred and feathered. He offers threats of his father.

The Mamalukes offer a winner take all hand in the poker game.

Maestro finds Symphony’s shoe.

Dustin Rhodes vs. Meng

Meng vs. Smiley for the Hardcore Title is announced for Starrcade. I’ll skip Meng no selling the offense and get to the meat of the “match”: Jarrett runs in, Meng is sent to the floor, Outsiders run in, Meng no sells a guitar shot, Nash kicks Meng to the floor and powerbombs Rhodes. This has been another non-match.

Larry is in Russo’s office. Russo: “Why does Thunder suck now?” Well at least someone finally said it. Larry blames it on the lack of A-list stars on the show, so Russo says they’ll be there from now on. He’s firing the announcer though. This makes Larry insult Hennig because the script says he should, setting up a loser leaves town match for later with Zbyszko vs. Hennig. If Larry wins, Russo is gone but if Curt wins, Larry is gone.

Prince Iaukea is now dressed as the Artist Formerly Known As Prince.

Curt Hennig vs. Larry Zbyzsko

Larry comes out to the Nitro theme but Hennig has Shane with him. This is quite the showdown. Larry starts (on time!) with his basic wrestling stuff and gets two off a swinging neckbreaker. The referee goes down and Hennig starts a comeback (a minute and a half into the match) with knee lifts and an abdominal stretch. Larry counters the PerfectPlex into his guillotine choke but Shane makes the save. Cue Arn Anderson to lay out both bad guys (I guess that’s the closest thing we’ll get to an Enforcers reunion), giving Larry the surprise pin.

Rating: O. For oh of course it’s not going to stand. The match was nothing to see of course but that’s what you have to expect these days. The only other note here: people often forget Larry’s age. He turned 46 the day before this match and was still in good shape so it wasn’t the biggest stretch. It’s weird to think of him in his mid 40s when he was the old veteran during the NWO’s heyday.

Creative Control comes out and shows Robinson the replay so the finish is reversed, meaning Larry is gone.

Disco and Lash put an apple in Marinara’s mouth. The Mamalukes see this, throw on their clothes, and go after them.

Chris Benoit vs. Kevin Nash

Hall, carrying a ladder, comes out with Nash and sits in on commentary. Nash takes Benoit into the corner to start and elbows him in the head. As Nash walks around, Hall sits on top of the ladder for a better view. Benoit stomps him down in the corner and cannonballs onto Nash’s leg. They head to the floor with Nash no selling the leg work and sending Benoit into the steps. Back in and the side slam gets two for Nash (Hall: “SUCK ON THAT BENOIT!”) but Chris dropkicks the knee out and cranks on the leg.

Benoit slugs away in the corner but charges into a boot to the face. There go the straps and Hall gets off the ladder, only to see Benoit slap on the Crossface. Hall decks the referee and throws in the ladder but Benoit dropkicks it into Nash’s face. A cross body off the ladder puts Hall down and Benoit hammers away until Nash gets up with the Jackknife. Hall loads up the Edge onto the ladder until Sid comes out to make the save. No contest.

Rating: C-. I liked this better than I was expecting to. Nash is underrated as a big power guy as he can make his offense look damaging while also having someone like Benoit break him down. This wasn’t a great match and of course got bogged down by all the nonsense, but I had a better time with it than I was expecting to.

Sting tells the Outsiders to bring it.

Here are the Mamalukes to call out Disco and Lash but gets the girls from the club last week. Vito rants about how he didn’t want to sleep with them, but Disco and Lash sneak up on them and attack. This brings out the tarred and feathered Tony Marinara to nail them with a pipe, allowing the Mamalukes to take them away.

The Mamalukes throw Disco and Lash into a car but the car drives off without them. What

is Russo’s obsession with this story? It gets as much airtime as anything else on the show.

Maestro staggers into the boiler room to find Symphony but gets beaten up by Jerry Flynn. So Jerry is the modern day Mankind? Jerry goes to a door, finds David and Symphony, and eats a crowbar to the face.

Nick Patrick says everyone is banned from ringside unless they have business out there because it’s time for the referees to take power back. Normally I would complain about aline like that but a lot more structure around here would be an incredibly welcome sight.

Liz has a contract in her hands.

Scott Hall vs. Sting

Non-title, which might have something to do with Hall not bringing the belt with him. Liz comes out with Sting and Nash jumps in on commentary. Hall finds the toothpick throw hilarious but Sting would rather hit him in the face to take over. They quickly head outside with Nash choking Sting with a cord, allowing Hall to get in some cheap shots.

Back in and we hit the abdominal stretch on Sting, followed by a sleeper so neither guy has to do much other than stand there. A belly to back suplex finally gets Sting out and he slugs away, including ten punches in the corner. Sting gets all the way up to twenty but Scott pokes him in the eye for a breather. Liz gets on the apron to pepper spray Hall, setting up the Deathlock for the submission.

Rating: D. I guess it helps that Hall didn’t lose clean, but maybe you could like, not have a champion lose on TV. It was nice to have something resembling a clean match until the ending, which felt tacked on, but somehow that’s an upgrade in the Russo era. To be fair though, at least the title doesn’t mean anything these days anyway so it can’t be hurt too badly.

Here’s David Flair to his dad’s music and holding Symphony by the hair. Maestro has ten seconds to come out here and get her, but here’s Page instead. A crowbar shot misses and Page lays him out with a Diamond Cutter before telling the Powers That Be to make this a pay per view match. Oh and contrary to rumors, he’s NOT going to the WWF because he’s loyal to what brought him here. Thanks for that totally unnecessary name drop, but to be fair they are closing the ratings gap. Last week they lost by 3.4 points and this week it would only be 3 even, meaning Raw doubled Nitro up. Page calls out Sid and their match is on.

Sid Vicious vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Sid shoves him out to the floor to start and drops Page throat first across the barricade. Back in and Page grabs a quick neckbreaker but Sid launches him off at two. A top rope clothesline puts Sid down again but he breaks up the Diamond Cutter by, say it with me, knocking Page into the referee. There’s the powerbomb to Page but the Outsiders run in for the beatdown. This brings out Benoit to help fight back but Jeff Jarrett comes in for the save until Bret Hart runs in to make it even. Page walks out and the match is a no contest because of course it is.

As everyone brawls, Nick Patrick grabs the mic and says the referees and security haven’t been in charge all night so the main event can be a lumberjack match because they’re out of here. So yeah, they’re not even trying to call it wrestling anymore as there won’t be any referees. It hasn’t been a wrestling show in weeks so it’s nice to see them finally confirm it.

Back from a break with the Outsiders, Jarrett and now Creative Control still destroying everyone until Goldberg comes out for the save. The four good guys stand tall and Jarrett says no way, so here’s Roddy Piper to say he’ll referee and everyone else can be lumberjacks. Jeff tries to leave again so the Green Bay Packers show up to stop him, allowing Dustin Rhodes to throw him back in.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Goldberg

A big shoulder gets two for Goldberg and he starts hammering Jeff in the face. Jeff tries to jump over him in the corner but gets caught in a powerslam as this is one sided so far. Jarrett rolls outside and gets beaten up by the lumberjacks. He rolls back inside and gets caught in an armbar, so it’s right back to the lumberjacks. Everyone outside gets in a brawl so Jeff sneaks in a chair to take over behind Piper’s back. A high cross body gets two for Jeff and it’s time for the sleeper as the fight has finally calmed down.

Goldberg fights up and slams out of the sleeper because he’s Goldberg and it was just a sleeper. Both guys collide and go down, which looks way off as you wouldn’t expect Goldberg to go down off a Jeff Jarrett shoulder block. Piper counts to ten without anyone getting up and nothing changes as a result. Nash grabs Goldberg’s foot to break up the spear and pulls him to the floor for a beatdown. In the melee, Bret brings the belt in and nails Jarrett (mostly off camera), setting up the Jackhammer for the pin.

Rating: D+. Well they tried. This match was the attempt to make Jeff Jarrett seem like a legitimate main event guy but it really didn’t work. The insanity of the match held it down because we can’t just have Goldberg and Jarrett have a match where Jeff outsmarts him before falling to the Jackhammer, but that might be asking for too much.

Overall Rating: D. This show was all over the place, as has become WCW’s custom. First and foremost, what is with the obsession over the mafia story? That angle got more time than anything else all night with David Flair and the Maestro in second place. The wrestling was what you would expect from WCW with the longest match not even breaking eight minutes. There’s stuff going on for sure, but you have to take notes to remember why people are doing what they’re doing with only thirteen days left until Starrcade. Oh and Thunder sucks and is apparently going to be a plot point going forward. How nice.

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