Monday Nitro #219
Date: December 20, 1999
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance: 8,915
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

We’re just past Starrcade and……I have no idea what we’re supposed to do now actually. Bret is still World Champion, Sting is out of action again and the rest of the show was pretty much a big waste of time with short matches that went nowhere or that only Russo and company care about. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Piper calling for the bell on Goldberg to end the title match against Bret. Yes, that’s their big idea: Montreal part 58.

So you might be asking how the big fallout show starts. After last night, we’re ready to start on the new road forward for WCW. I promise, I’m not making this up. This is really how this show began.

Here are Madusa and Spice for a chat. Madusa brags about being the first female Cruiserweight Champion and how the women of WCW are taking over with their T&A. Right now she wants any man in the back to come out here so she can neuter him. As luck would have it, Buzzkill is in the crowd campaigning for equal rights, so Madusa calls him to the ring for a title match right now.

Cruiserweight Title: Madusa vs. Buzzkill

Madusa takes the sign and blasts Buzzkill in the head, followed by the missile dropkick for two. The German suplex is blocked though and Buzzkill dropkicks her down. The Russian legsweep should have the title won (because it’s a Russian legsweep) but Spice has the referee. In the distract, Spice throws in a foreign object and Madusa knocks Buzzkill silly, setting up the German suplex to retain.

I need a minute here. After last night’s disaster of a Starrcade, Vince Russo, the man who actually takes credit for the Attitude Era, decided that the big idea was to open Nitro with a match between a comedy character and Madusa, who is flat out saying she has one of the most popular titles (well at least it used to be) in the company because of how she looks. That’s their big way to open the post-Starrcade Nitro. Imagine if the night after Rollins cashed in Money in the Bank or after Bryan overcame the Authority, we opened with a Nikki Bella promo and match. That’s basically what they did here and it’s making my head hurt.

The announcers talk about Goldberg getting screwed last night. I’ll set the over/under for use of that word in this story at about 6,000.

Russo tells Curt Hennig to get rid of Hugh Morrus tonight. Why Russo has issues with Morrus isn’t clear, but I’d bet it’s a nuance of a plot point that I missed in Russo’s 19 segments a night. Creative Control is sent to find Piper.

Speaking of Piper, he arrives with his assistant and son because of reasons I don’t want to be told. The kid tapes Piper’s wrists and Creative Control comes to collect him.

Hugh Morrus vs. Curt Hennig

Before we get started, it’s time for an another angle that no one will care about but we need to force it in there anyway. This time it’s Shane being beaten down by a guy in a Scream mask with what looks like a pipe. As for the match, here’s Tony’s take on it: “I’ve never been so confused coming out of a WCW pay per view.” I can’t believe I’m saying this, but preach it Tony. Morrus slugs Hennig into the corner to start as the announcers don’t explain Hugh’s issues with the Powers That Be, likely because they don’t exist.

After a big running splash in the corner, Morrus gets distracted by some old guy in a hospital gown who wanders from the crowd to the ramp. For the love of……JUST HAVE A WRESTLING MATCH! Morrus goes outside and helps the man he calls Pop to the ramp so he stays out of harms’ way. Hennig gets in a few shots as Pop comes back down to ringside. In the distraction, Hennig hits the PerfectPlex for the pin.

Rating: D-. I would ask why this is happening and what this is supposed to mean, but I really, really don’t care. Hugh Morrus is getting a story now? Apparently about his father who just wanders around ringside after leaving a hospital? As usual, Russo doesn’t get that you have to make us care about a person before you just throw them into a story that makes no sense on the surface. I don’t care about Hugh Morrus because he’s never done anything worth caring about. Therefore, I don’t care about his Pop or whatever they’re doing with him. Again, just let them wrestle and THEN come up with a story.

Pop checks on his son, who is still down after a devastating suplex.

Piper is in Russo’s office where Russo talks about Piper making some sort of deal with the devil, meaning Piper can’t touch Russo. It’s not over though because Piper has to go out there and tell everyone that he sold out and that Russo had nothing to do with it. So who did he sell out to if Russo wasn’t involved? That question is immediately wiped from my memory as Russo says that Piper will take his heat. Piper talks about going out there to “shoot on the marks” and how he and Hogan built this sport. The audio screws up so I can’t hear the rest of it but do I really need to?

So to recap: Russo is the mastermind behind screwing Goldberg out of the title and gave Piper something in return for ending the title match last night and now Piper has to go and take the rap for it. This is going to be a SHOOT, because all those times where Piper was evil and made his big name were just him acting and we should believe how much he cares for wrestling? Can we go back to Hugh and Pop?

And now, a word from Tony Schiavone about how Vince McMahon screwed Bret Hart out of the WCW Title. Russo worked for McMahon at that time, so rumors are speculating that Russo scripted the ending to that match. I don’t even know how to respond to that so we’ll move on to Tony talking about how Kevin Nash is defending Goldberg in the locker room. You know, the SHOOT locker room.

This brings out Kevin Nash, who talks about living by a code in wrestling. There are certain rules you have to live by no matter what happens. Yes people, KEVIN NASH is talking about ethics in wrestling. Just go with it and maybe it’ll be over soon. There are two groups of people behind the curtain: the boys and the office. The boys are all a fraternity and the office doesn’t care about any of them. Nash doesn’t care about Goldberg, but what happened last night was…..a word they don’t actually censor. TV-14 it is I suppose. Hart screwed one of the boys and now he has to pay.

Creative Control says Nash is the biggest politician in the locker room. So yeah, it’s clearly a big worked shoot (in case it wasn’t obvious before) and the audience, after sitting through Madusa vs. Buzzkill and Hennig vs. Morrus/Pop gets to hear a lot of stuff that is probably going over their collective heads while Russo jerks off to this nonsense because it makes him feel so much smarter than everyone else. I understand what they’re talking about and it’s just so dumb.

Tank Abbott vs. Jerry Flynn

No holds barred of course. They trade slaps/punches before shoving the referee, drawing out security to break it up. Flynn is put in handcuffs and Tank knocks him out cold. This didn’t last a minute and the fans are rightfully booing it out of the building.

Goldberg arrives.

Here’s the Revolution for what is actually the most interesting part of the show so far. Douglas talks about how the Revolution was proven right at Starrcade, but we pause for a word from Saturn about Tootsie Pops. He calls out Jim Duggan to denounce America, but Jim doesn’t want to do it. Instead, Duggan says he lied and gets beaten down. The Revolution goes to burn the American flag but the Filthy Animals (minus Eddie) return for the save. Great. It’s this feud again. Shane’s look of shock when the Animals came out (walking at about half a mile an hour) is great.

Here’s Piper for his big explanation as Goldberg and Hart watch from backstage. Piper lists off some of the evil things he’s done in the past before going into a mini rant against Russo’s writing. Couldn’t they just call it like, match making? Anyway, Piper knows people just want to see the wrestlers fight. After listing off his accomplishments from the 80s, Piper says he’s a real fighting and quits. His son comes out to walk to the back with him, but Goldberg comes out to block their way.

Goldberg has stayed up all night trying to make sense of this (now THAT is probably a shoot comment). He’s looked up to a few guys all his life and until last night Piper was on that list. Piper made the wrong decision last night but Goldberg doesn’t think Piper would ever sell out. Roddy apologizes and things seem to be a bit better until Bret comes out to pick it up all over again. As far as he’s concerned, there’s no point in blaming Piper and the title is vacant. Bret goes to the back to tell the Powers That Be what they can do with their title. Keep shooting people. You’ll hit something eventually, though it’s likely your own foot.

Post break, Hart yells at Russo, but the boss says that was an attempt at making up for Montreal. Yes seriously, THAT’S THEIR BIG STORY. Bret throws the belt at Russo so he makes Hart vs. Goldberg for tonight. Nice to see them continue their tradition of airing the same match the night after Starrcade. I mean, it’s gone so well before.

Meng/Norman Smiley vs. Fit Finlay/Brian Knobbs

Hardcore of course. So why would Meng want to team with Smiley here? My question is quickly answered as Meng goes after Smiley before their opponents come out. Knobbs and Finlay come out to watch as the announcers try to explain the psychology. Apparently Knobbs and Finlay want Norman to keep the Hardcore Title so they can take it from him with less of a fight.

Therefore, we’re supposed to ignore the two of them knocking Smiley out cold with a pipe so Norman could pin him with one hand last night, proving that they could beat Meng with ease. As for the match, Norman gets chased through the crowd, objects are thrown, a bathroom is invaded, Norman’s head is put in a toilet and Knobbs gets the pin.

Rating: F. We’re over an hour into this show and this is the second best match of the night so far. I’m not sure if it’s good or horribly stupid that they’re trying to add psychology to this division. Yeah there’s an idea to it, but the idea is stupid. The joke isn’t funny though and Meng was just kind of there most of the “match” as everyone else was “fighting.”

Piper tells his kid to wait in the limo and gets a ball bat.

Video of the Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea’s recording session where he doesn’t actually sing. Somehow this sounds like one of the more logical things on the show.

Hart is walking and runs into Piper. Bret tries to talk but Piper is back to babbling to himself.

Maestro vs. Evan Karagias

It’s a flashback to the NWO days as the announcers ignore what’s going on in the ring to talk about the backstage stuff. Maestro runs him over to start but Evan hits a springboard spinning cross body. Evan rains down right hands in the corner until he gets dropped throat first across the top rope. We get a bit of a tease as Maestro loads up a chinlock but slaps Evan in the face with both hands instead.

The announcers talk about Montreal with Tony saying it’s unbelievable that Russo wants to make up with Hart. Evan fights up and counters a hurricanrana into a powerbomb. Symphony gets shoved onto the apron but Evan has a quick change of heart to check on her. The distraction lets Maestro hit a knee to the back for the pin. Symphony is of course fine. Tony: “She sold that knee.”

Rating: D. Total mentions of Evan losing the title last night: zero. Then again it’s fairly clear that there’s no future to the title so losing the belt might have been the best thing possible for Evan. Maestro and Symphony are a nothing pairing but at least they’re not victims of a stalker anymore.

Piper literally destroys the Powers That Be’s office. Piper: “How about Adrian Adonis and Gorilla Monsoon?” And yes, he breaks the fourth wall.

Chavo Guerrero tries to sell Evan a book on how to pick up chicks. Thankfully, this ends in a beating.

Chris Kanyon vs. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Kanyon says this isn’t Hollywood and talks about destroying the Triad. Bigelow and Page come out and double team him with Page hitting a Rock Bottom and Bigelow adding a headbutt. A clothesline and another headbutt have Kanyon reeling but Page and Bigelow argue about which finisher should end Kanyon. Page offers a handshake but pulls Bigelow into a Diamond Cutter. It’s angle time though as Page drops to the floor, kisses a fan, and leaves. J. Biggs throws Kanyon a briefcase but the referee cuts him off, allowing Kanyon to hit Bigelow with a champagne bottle for the pin.

Rating: D+. Well that happened. They spent the entire summer building up the Triad and then the blowoff (I guess?) match takes four minutes with no announcement on a Nitro? Sounds appropriate to me. At least Kanyon has a new character and he’s getting as close as he can to thriving in it.

Bigelow is busted way open and Kanyon is bleeding from the hand. Were they stupid enough to use a real bottle???

Creative Control vs. Kevin Nash

There’s no referee so I don’t think this is a match. Actually that makes sense given how things worked earlier. Hall accompanies Nash on crutches. Since this isn’t a match (no bell), the twins tag. Nash slugs away at Patrick in the corner and kicks Gerald in the face as the tagging part is already done.

The numbers catch up with Nash and Gerald takes him down for a cover but there’s no referee. Heenan praises Nash for having the guts to say what he said earlier in the night. They start going after Kevin’s knee and the tagging starts up again. Hall gets bored and comes inside for some crutch shots to the twins. Creative Control walks out to end whatever this was.

Luger and Liz are amused at Sting having a broken jaw. Why they’re in the rafters and why Luger is dressed as Sting isn’t clear but I don’t think I want to know.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. Jeff Jarrett

Another ladder match with Benoit defending because there’s no reason not to do it again twenty four hours later. At least it was good last night so maybe it works again here. They slug it out to start and Benoit takes over with a pair of dropkicks. Benoit ties him in the Tree of Woe for a running dropkick but Jeff crotches him against the post to take over. Back up and Benoit is the first to the ladder but he has to side step the baseball slide.

Benoit throws him into the chair in the corner before nailing the back and knee with the same chair. Jeff stays on the floor and holds his leg as Benoit breaks the ladder by stepping on the rungs. Tony: “Someone has gimmicked this ladder!” Tenay: “You know who it is!” Heenan: “Kidman?” The other side’s rungs break as well and it’s a guitar shot to Benoit as Jeff’s leg is fine. He grabs a fresh ladder and wins the title because SCREW YOU BENOIT FANS! YOU’RE GETTING JARRETT WHETHER YOU CARE OR NOT!

Rating: D+. They said the word gimmick for the ladder about ten times in two minutes near the end as the levels of obnoxiousness get higher and higher every single week. Benoit winning the title last night and being in the main event of a pay per view last month already seem to be nothing but memories.

After a bunch of replays, Curt Hennig tells Jarrett that the Powers That Be need to see him.

Sid Vicious vs. The Wall

Sid kicks him in the face to start and takes it outside for some right hands to Wall’s face. Back in and Wall hits him right back, only to eat a chokeslam. Cue Berlyn for a distraction, allowing Wall to load up a chokeslam of his own. Not that it matters as Berlyn missile dropkicks Wall for the DQ.

Sid powerbombs Berlyn and shakes Wall’s hand to complete the face turn.

Russo tells Jarrett that it’s going to happen tonight.

Disco offers to pay the mafia but Tony Marinara’s dad tells him he can join the Family or spend the rest of his life in a coma.

Harlem Heat vs. Varsity Club

Rotundo/Steiner here with Sullivan on commentary, where he spends the whole match referring to Rick as Robbie (Rick’s real name) because SHOOTING IS COOL AND HIP AND MAKES US SMARTER THAN YOU SO HA! Stevie quickly runs Rotundo over to start before it’s off to the partners. Booker kicks him in the face a few times but it’s too much to ask Steiner to sell so it’s a big clothesline to put Booker on the floor. Things get a bit confusing as the Varsity Club decides they’re the Freebirds (they’re from the right time period) and start changing places with Rotundo going to commentary.

That lasts all of eight seconds before Mike runs back in and misses a charge, allowing Booker to plant him with a Rock Bottom. Stevie comes in off the hot tag and cleans house but there go the lights because it’s Midnight. Ever the genius, Stevie yells at her, allowing Mike to roll him up for the pin.

Rating: D. More mindless brawling here with Booker doing everything he could to make it a match. I still have no idea why the Varsity Club is back as Rick was the only one doing anything, even though he’s one of the least likeable people on the roster. I’ll give them this though: at least this felt like a match, even with the screwy ending.

PG-13 runs in and attacks the Varsity Club. They can’t be serious.

The yet to be named Daffney is getting a Surge when the Misfits come up to hit on her. For reasons of crazy, she knees Jerry Only low and runs off.

Here’s David Flair for a chat but he beats up David Penzer first. Flair calls out Vampiro, who says he has no problem with David. Vampiro yells at Daffney but eats a crowbar shot. Jerry Only comes out and takes a beating as well, leaving David and Daffney to kiss.

Buff Bagwell comes out with something to say. He’s had a good career in WCW but now he wants some gold around his waist. Gene goes way out in right field and asks about rumors regarding Bagwell and Kimberly Page. Buff pushes the mic away and whispers to Gene, but Okerlund says that sounds like an admission of guilt. Bagwell admits that Kimberly is a knockout and if Page wasn’t a factor, he would, and I quote, “put his stuff all over Kim.” He mentions his bed and Page comes out to jump Bagwell.

Piper says goodbye to the locker room and calls Sid a kid. He rambles on about how hard wrestling has been on him and wants the boys to fight back against the Powers That Be.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Goldberg

The title is officially vacant coming in and Jeff Jarrett is watching on a monitor in the back. Goldberg hammers him in the face to start and chokes with a boot in the corner. They head outside with Goldberg hammering away even more as Bret has been on defense almost all match. Back in and a powerslam drops Hart but he grabs the ropes to break up a leg lock.

Bret starts going after the leg with kicks to the knee before wrapping it around the ropes. The referee goes down because of course he does and Bret slaps on the Figure Four. Cue the Outsiders with ball bats to beat up Goldberg. Bret lets go of the hold and beats on Goldberg as well so Piper comes back to try and protect Goldberg as the referee calls for the bell. There was a cover in there somewhere and Bret has won the title.

Jeff Jarrett comes out with spraypaint and……THE BAND IS BACK TOGETHER! Bret tries to say something but his mic doesn’t work. Everyone celebrates with their new titles to end the show.

Overall Rating: W. That’s W for waste. I’ve watched a lot of wrestling shows in my day (upwards of 4,000 last I checked). In the course of my time as a fan, I don’t remember a show that felt like a waste of my time. That has changed after this show. I can live with a show where nothing happens. I can live with a show full of bad matches. I can live with a show where the company loses its way for a night.

That’s not what happened on this show. This show was about eliminating every single concept and idea of logic and common sense from what used to be World Championship Wrestling. I’m not going to go into the long, long list of things this show did that made no sense, as A, I don’t have that much memory on this computer and B, I don’t think my blood pressure can take it.

Let’s sum up the major flaw in logic on this show. The idea is that Russo and company are in charge of booking the show and have turned it into a shoot. Ignoring how absolutely stupid that is to point out (from a kayfabe perspective, wrestling is always supposed to be a shoot), let’s go with Russo’s theory (I’ll ask for forgiveness later). Let’s say that Russo has complete authority and is writing himself into this position.

If that’s the case, why have any of his guys ever lost a match and why did we need some big conspiracy? Why didn’t Russo just book his boys on top the second he debuted? Why are we having some big conspiracy with Jarrett having to win the title back? Why am I supposed to believe anything that happens if Russo is just in charge of the whole thing? Did he book Nash to fight back against his authority or is Nash going into business for himself?

I get that it’s what Russo is going for, but it leaves so many ridiculous holes in the story and makes the whole thing so completely illogical that you can’t buy into anything going on in this company. Ninety percent of the show is scripted but THIS RIGHT HERE is real? Why should I believe that? At the end of the day, this is wrestling. I shouldn’t need a scorecard and a flow chart to keep track of what’s going on, nor should I have to hear all these insider terms. This is the definition of too much going on and making things way too complicated.

This stopped being wrestling and became Russo having fun and deciding to make this show his big personal playground. He’s removed logic and common sense from this show in order to turn it into some insider fest. I know I say this a lot, but I literally do not think it can get worse than this. They’ve taken away any the basic core principles of wrestling and made this a B movie. There is however one bright spot to this whole mess: Jim Cornette suddenly makes so much more sense to me.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Starrcade 1999
Date: December 19, 1999
Location: MCI Center, Washington D.C.
Attendance: 8,582
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Bobby Heenan

We have arrived. We have reached the biggest show of the year for WCW. It’s the final pay per view of the year and the final Starrcade of the 1990s. Over the years this show has been a showcase for legends like Sting, Ric Flair, Lex Luger and Hulk Hogan. There have been great matches, moments and shows in general, many of which have been some of WCW’s best shows of all time. Now, forget everything I just said, because this is going to be one of the biggest disasters in the history of……I would say professional wrestling but that has nothing to do with what I’m about to sit through. Let’s get to it.

We open with a Scott Hudson narrated highlight package to preview the card. Up first in the package: the Revolution vs. Jim Duggan/his mystery partners. I’m pretty sure every match gets some time here, but my goodness they aren’t off to a rousing start by making me think about all of the impending disasters.

Now we get a standard opening video, focusing on the powerbomb match and then the World Title match.

Disco Inferno/Lash Leroux vs. Big Vito/Johnny the Bull

Disco lost a lot of money gambling (which I don’t think he ever paid back) to the Mafia so Don boss Tony Marinara sent Big Vito and Johnny the Bull after him. Lash helped Disco out and basically started a war against the mob, setting up this tag match. It’s also probably the match that has gotten the most build on the card. Normally I would ask why a match like this is opening the show, but the more I think about it, what else do they have?

It’s a brawl to start with Vito punching Lash down early on. A nice suplex drops Lash again and Vito nails a good looking superkick. Heenan gets in another of his lines that are open to interpretation as he wonders why the people in the back are so quiet. Off to Johnny who eats a dropkick from Lash and a clothesline from Disco for one.

Disco stomps away in the corner but Johnny sweeps the leg (because he’s the best in town) to take over. Vito scores with a hard running clothesline and Johnny’s swinging neckbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock for a bit before something like a double powerbomb plants Disco again. Vito spends too much time mocking the crowd on the ropes though and hits the mat, allowing the hot tag to Lash.

Everything breaks down and the goons are dropped with clotheslines. A gorilla press drop puts Lash down but he avoids a top rope spinning legdrop. Disco hits a top rope splash for two but Vito comes off the top to break up the save (granted the really slow count made it a bit easier). Vito reverses a whip from Lash and sends him into the Last Dance from Disco by mistake, setting up Vito’s spinning DDT for the pin.

Rating: C. Totally acceptable tag match here, but I have a feeling we’ve just seen the match of the night. It’s the old power vs. speed formula which has worked for the better part of ever and worked here as well. The story made sense and was actually different for a change, but this could have been on almost any given Nitro. Still though, totally acceptable.

Post match Disco gets beaten up and thrown in the body bag, along with a bottle of ether. The mob takes him back to the parking lot and throw him in their car to take them away.

Goldberg vs. Hart is No DQ. If that was the stipulation beforehand, I haven’t heard of it.

Scott Hall is out of the US Title match due to a knee injury so Benoit is the champion.

The announcers run their mouths to fill time on a show with 13 matches. Keep in mind that this is coming after a backstage segment. Not only is it boring for the PPV audience, but it’s letting the crowd come down after a decent opener.

Cue Chris Benoit to say he doesn’t want the title this way, so it’s officially vacant. However, he’ll still have the ladder match against anyone that wants to face him for the title.

Cruiserweight Title: Madusa vs. Evan Karagias

Evan is defending and Madusa offered sex to get this show. After she earned the shot, Evan dumped Madusa for Nitro Girl Spice, making this just another title match but with man on woman violence because Russo is obsessed with this idea. Madusa dives off the top to take out Evan and Spice before sending him into the barricade. They head inside where Evan slaps her in the face and plants her with a powerslam, only to miss a Lionsault.

Madusa dropkicks him down but gets slammed off the top. A powerbomb puts Madusa down for two so Madusa powerbombs him right back. They head outside with Evan diving onto Madusa, but Spice gets on the apron to distract the champ. It’s just a ruse for the worst low blow ever, setting up Madusa’s German suplex for the pin and the title.

Rating: D-. So not only did they have a swerve, they had only the bare bones of a match as this was nothing more than a spot fest with no flow to it. Yeah Mysterio and Guerrera would do a bunch of spots, but at least they knew how to make them exciting. This was less than four minutes long and more about the fact that Madusa is a woman. In other words, they were trying to recreate Chyna without putting in the effort of building her up in DX all those years. That’s Russo’s philosophy: just go to the end goal without putting in any of the work and then blame the fans for not caring.

On the storyline front, let’s recap what just happened to Evan: he was duped into giving Madusa the shot by the offer of sex, then Madusa won the title shot again in a triple threat, then Evan got pinned on Thunder for no apparent reason, then the other woman, who was involved in this story to distract Evan, turned on him to give Madusa the title for no reason other than to mess with Evan, who made the mistake of being a champion and going after a pretty girl who seemed interested in him. Oh and Madusa hit cheated to win the title. I’m not sure if she was the face or the heel here, but I’m sure WCW didn’t know either.

Norman Smiley is dressed up like a Washington Redskin for his match with Meng. He certainly isn’t scared and ignore the scream when the producer tries to count him out of the interview. Sudden moves like that just are not necessary when Norman is a coiled spring ready to explode! Ignore the fact that the Hardcore Title is practically identical to the ECW Title.

Hardcore Title: Meng vs. Norman Smiley

Norman the coward is defending. They throw weapons at each other to start before Meng shoves the cart full of weapons runs Norman over. It’s in the back without Norman ever making it to the ring and Norman blasts him in the head with the chair for almost no effect. Norman runs away through catering before Meng slams him through a table.

Meng throws a cinder block at his head but Norman avoids the whole death thing. Smiley dives behind some boxes to hide, allowing Finlay and Brian Knobbs to come up and beat Meng down. Well kind of as Meng no sells the chair and trashcan shots until Finlay NAILS him with a lead pipe to knock Meng silly. Norman comes out and covers to retain.

Rating: D. Norman is a guy that tries so hard but can’t get out of this hardcore nonsense. This was your standard hardcore match with Meng dominating and Norman screaming a lot but somehow escaping for the title. In other words, it’s your standard TV match being held at Starrcade because Russo doesn’t know the difference between the shows.

Meng beats up Nick Patrick for reasons.

David Flair has a gold crowbar delivered to him and seems very happy.

Oklahoma and Steve Williams are ready. There’s nothing more to this segment.

Oh wait there is, as we cut back to see the Misfits kidnap Oklahoma.

We recap Jim Duggan vs. the Revolution, which is based around the idea of the Revolution thinking they’re a sovereign nation and wanting to deface the American flag. Bringing Duggan in makes sense there, but the Powers That Be says there’s nothing to his love of America and made him a janitor because that’s funny or something.

Jim Duggan/??? vs. Revolution

It’s Asya/Saturn/Malenko/Douglas here and we have no idea who the partners are here. If Duggan wins, the Revolution has to be the janitors for 30 days, but if Duggan loses, he has to denounce America. Duggan’s partners are…..the Varsity Club, a team which hit its peak in 1988/1989. In case you’re like, young or something, it’s Rick Steiner/Kevin Sullivan/Mike Rotundo with Leia Meow (ECW’s Kimona) as their cheerleader.

Shane sits in on commentary to make it a handicap match. Dean and Duggan start things off but Saturn comes in less than ten second in. The Varsity Club gets in some cheap shots in the corner before Duggan hammers away with forearms to the back. Dean comes in again for an elbow to the face and a slam, followed by the three point clothesline for two.

Saturn gets the same off a missile dropkick as Heenan points out that Duggan hasn’t tried to tag out. Just get to the swerve we all know is coming from here. Saturn misses a middle rope splash but Dean hits Jim in the head with a flag. Everyone comes in with the Varsity Club cleaning house, including tying Asya in the Tree of Woe for Sullivan’s running knee. Then they turn on Duggan because what else were they going to do here? Shane runs in for the pin as the Varsity Club keeps beating up Saturn on the floor.

Rating: F. This is STARRCADE 1999 and they bring out the Varsity Club? If they were going for some kind of nostalgia/history thing here, they completely missed the point as the Varsity Club’s biggest moment was when they were fighting each other, assuming anyone remembered/cared about that in 1999. As it is, this is just another four minute match capped off by a beatdown to make it a Jim Duggan story. What is the mass appeal here and who thought the one thing this show needed was MORE people running around?

Shane tells Duggan he has 24 hours before he has to renounce America. They drape the Revolution flag over him, only to take it right back off.

The Misfits have Oklahoma in a shark cage to make sure he stays out of the Vampiro match.

Vampiro vs. Steve Williams

If Vampiro wins, he gets five minutes with Oklahoma. The Misfits wheel out Oklahoma in the shark cage but he has a headset on and can still do his Jim Ross jokes because…..screw the sarcasm. This whole thing is stupid. Vampiro dives off the cage to take Williams out and the brawl begins on the floor. They head inside with Oklahoma yelling at the commentators. Williams fires off a chop so Oklahoma shouts CHOP over and over.

Some three point tackles take out Vampiro’s legs followed by some chops, but Oklahoma gets bored saying chop over and over. A belly to belly superplex sends Vampiro flying but brings in the Misfits. Williams cleans house with ease and suplexes Vampiro down again. He hammers on Vampiro but shoves the referee down (how have we not had a ref bump tonight?) for a DQ, setting up Vampiro vs. Oklahoma.

Rating: D. So their solution to make us care about Vampiro is to have him get beaten up until the referee gets knocked down while Oklahoma gets to do his same joke over and over and over and over and over. I feel like iTunes on repeat (who uses records anymore?) saying this but STOP USING THE SHOW FOR YOUR OWN STUPID JOKES THAT AREN’T EVEN FUNNY IN THE FIRST PLACE!

The five minute clock starts immediately.

Oklahoma vs. Vampiro

Security gets Williams out of here as we’re still waiting on Oklahoma to get out of the cage. Oklahoma gets in after about two minutes and kicks Vampiro in the head. More slow stomps connect before Vampiro hits a single chop, only to have Oklahoma nail two straight low blows. A quick Rock Bottom drops Oklahoma and the Misfits come in for some shots, which the referee doesn’t seem to mind. The Nail in the Coffin ends this mess.

To recap, Vampiro needed the help of a punk rock band (how many of the fans actually know who they are?) to beat Oklahoma, who beat the tar out of Vampiro for most of the “match”. Again, the announcers are getting the push at the sake of someone like Vampiro, who may or may not be entertaining but he’s an actual wrestler.

Russo tells Hennig/Shane/La Parka/Creative Control that he has something big planned for tonight so he can’t quite focus on their match. Thanks for letting us know about this an hour into the show instead of building it up for a few weeks, but they probably didn’t know a few weeks ago.

Stevie Ray tells Booker he won’t have his back tonight.

Harlem Heat/Midnight vs. Curt Hennig/Creative Control

The winning tag team is #1 contenders so Hennig and Midnight are just kind of here to fill in the roster, because Heaven forbid we just have a regular tag match. My goodness there are suddenly a lot of empty seats across from the cameras. I couldn’t have missed those earlier. There’s no Stevie so it’s a handicap match with more man on woman.

Gerald stomps Booker into the corner to start before no selling a spin kick to the face. So much for this one changing the tide of the show. We look at the ladder for later and come back with Midnight in without seeing what happened in between. I’m betting Gerald lost a Canasta game and had to allow the hot tag.

It’s quickly back to Booker who gets beaten down again but quickly gets over to tag in Midnight for some dropkicks. Hennig clotheslines her out to the floor and the heels take over again. Back in and Creative Control takes over on Midnight as Hudson talks about the big events of the night: the return of the Varsity Club and Disco being thrown into a car. We get the old “referee doesn’t see the tag” spot as Stevie Ray comes out, only to be sent to the back by Booker.

Midnight gets slammed down and Patrick drops some elbows for two. He misses the middle rope elbow though and Midnight gets over for the hot tag. It doesn’t count as Nick Patrick was “talking to Stevie Ray.” That’s true, but THEY WERE LOOKING AT THE TAG. As in Nick clearly realized he wasn’t supposed to see it and you can see him try to snap his head away in time so it doesn’t look that bad but it doesn’t work. Hennig sneaks in with a foreign object to knock Booker silly for the pin and a delayed bell.

Rating: D. As usual, this was an angle disguised as a match. On top of the match being boring for the most part and yet another woman being in there for the sake of being in there (Midnight was fine but the announcers spent the whole match talking about how awesome it was to have a woman in there, which just puts more attention on the fact that she’s nothing special), the gaffes like Nick seeing the tag made this a huge mess. Above all else though, I just do not care because I haven’t been given a reason to care. These people are just characters with little development so it’s really hard to get interested.

We recap Jarrett vs. Rhodes. Basically Dustin returned as something resembling a child abductor but he decided he wanted to be Dustin Rhodes because THAT has such a great track record for him. Jeff thought it was funny that Dustin’s dad got fired so the feud began again and of course it turned into a bunkhouse match to make it about cowboys and hardcore.

Dustin, wearing a Dusty Rhodes shirt, talks about the match but Jeff jumps him to start.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Dustin Rhodes

Jarrett runs Dustin’s knee over with a wheelbarrow and hits him in the throat with a kendo stick. They slam each other into the wheelbarrow before heading inside for the first time with Jeff taking a cowbell to the head. Well you knew the bullrope and cowbell were going to be involved somehow. Some bell shots knock Jarrett onto the announcers’ table but hitting him in the head with a metal bell doesn’t sound as good as throwing powder in Jeff’s face.

Dustin pulls out a whip and nails both Jarrett and the referee before duct taping the referee to the ropes. Jeff shrugs off a shot with some chaps (you think I care enough to react to that at this point?) and kicks Dustin low as Curt Hennig comes out to untape the referee. We hit the sleeper as Jarrett tries to make this wrestling for reasons I don’t understand.

Dustin finally suplexes his way out and gets two off a Boss Man Slam. Shattered Dreams connects but Hennig pulls the referee out at two. That earns Curt some Shattered Dreams of his own and all three head up to the entrance. Dustin plants Hennig with a bulldog but Jeff climbs the ladder and blasts him with a guitar for the pin.

Rating: D. Ok. What else do you want me to say here? Two guys who are feuding over someone not even working for this promotion anymore had a long (by this show’s standards) match and the heel had someone else come in to basically make it a handicap match. The good guy fought back and then the two beat him without anything overly interesting happening.

Jeff Jarrett continues to not by over but gets pushed to the moon (dig that huge win over DUSTIN RHODES!) because he beat up a woman in the WWF. These guys weren’t really putting in a ton of effort though and it’s clear that no one has anything special without some kind of character behind them. It’s just two old school style guys having a boring match and that’s not something I want to watch for eleven minutes.

David Flair makes the headless teddy bear stroke the golden crowbar. Somehow, there isn’t a single bit of innuendo in that entire sentence. Why David is wearing a Halloween Havoc shirt isn’t clear.

Page says his hands will have a crowbar in them tonight and then those same hands will give Flair a bang.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. David Flair

IT’S A CROWBAR ON A POLE MATCH!!! This is like Russo’s hit parade if I had to pay $30 to see it. This match is due to David stalking Kimberly after Kimberly slept with Ric Flair instead of David. So yeah, we have sex, insanity, illogical stories and a thing on a pole. Like I said, the hit parade rolls on. The crowbar is pitifully low as anyone of average height could reach it from the mat.

David sneaks up from behind with the gold crowbar (different from the one on the pole) but Little Naitch (who should be in David’s corner in theory) takes it away, because even if you’re insane and carrying a crowbar, you MUST follow the rules! The referee checks on Page and says the match will be a forfeit, but Page shoves Penzer away and wants to go.

We get the opening bell and David hammers away because how else was this going to be competitive? David counters a sunset flip and punches Page in the face for two. A clothesline gets the same as we’re still waiting on any attempt at the crowbar. Flair hits a low blow and puts on a Figure Four but Page turns it over for the break. Flair gets the crowbar, misses a swing and eats the Diamond Cutter for the pin.

Rating: F. Remember when Chris Jericho would lose and then go insane and beat the post with a chair? That’s how I feel here. There was no reason for this to be on pay per view or for this to be a gimmick match other than to make the match more believable. In other words, they can’t have a good match without making it a gimmick and the match can’t be good because it’s a gimmick. Who other than Vince Russo could book a sub four minute match into a paradox while almost completely ignoring the gimmick that causes the paradox in the first place?

Page gives him a middle rope Diamond Cutter post match and it about to hit him with the crowbar but the yet to be named Daffney runs in to cover Flair up. Page leaves instead of hit the crazy chick.

Heenan wants a beer. I don’t drink but can someone get me a hammer to crush my own skull?

We recap Luger vs. Sting, which has seen Luger treat Liz like garbage (more anti-women fetish material for Russo), which sent her running off for Sting to help him. At the same time, Luger “inadvertently” cost Sting some matches and kept trying to make it up to him, only making it worse in the process. Their match tonight is for Liz’s freedom, which she totally and completely wants of course.

Total Package vs. Sting

In the back, Sting gives Liz “super high octane” mace. The STEROIDS chant begins and Luger quickly sends Sting outside. Some whips into the barricade have Sting in more trouble before some elbows get two. Sting no sells a ram into the buckle and Luger gets caught between slaps from Sting and Liz. A double clothesline puts both of them down because of those two and a half DEVASTATING minutes of action.

Liz comes in to check on Luger and sprays the mace at Sting, but it’s silly string because Sting actually outsmarted someone!!!!! Even the announcers acknowledge how shocking this is. Sting makes his comeback and hits a top rope splash for two. A pair of regular Stinger Splashes look to set up the Deathlock but Liz comes in with the ball bat for a very loud sounding shot to the jaw for the DQ.

Rating: D+. I’m upgrading this because of the bat shot and the string. Other than that, this was a big mess with the whole thing not even breaking six minutes despite it being one of the bigger matches on the card. This changes nothing as Liz is freed from Luger but apparently wants to stay with him, making this whole thing a big waste of time. Imagine that.

Luger Pillmanizes Sting’s arm post match. Remember two years ago when Sting was in the biggest match in WCW history? How was that just two years ago?

To recap, that was the tenth match of the show and, assuming you count Madusa as a heel, the third match where the heel didn’t either win or get the last laugh after the match. Those three are Vampiro and the Misfits beating up Oklahoma (who dominated the “match”), Page over David Flair and Norman Smiley over Meng where Norman was treated like a goon all match. Is there any doubt why so many fans are leaving their seats halfway through the show?

We recap Sid vs. Nash in the powerbomb match. I’ve watched the shows setting this match up and now I’ve watched the video and I’m still not exactly sure why they’re fighting. They’ve fought a few times but I’m not sure why they started in the first place. Again though, I doubt WCW does either other than “hey, they’re both big!”

Sid Vicious vs. Kevin Nash

You win by using a powerbomb instead of a pin or a submission because we just couldn’t have either guy do a real job for the sake of…..probably some legal deal actually. Nash takes over to start and hits the framed elbow and a side slam for two. A low blow breaks up Sid’s powerbomb attempt and it’s time to go outside so they don’t have to wrestle. Sid hits him in the back with a chair but stops to tell the fans to shut up. Good grief dude at least know what you’re supposed to be doing out there. Back in and Sid tries to start a powerbomb chant but the fans are mostly silent. Well to be fair that’s what Sid wanted.

The referee FINALLY GETS BUMPED, right before Sid hits a powerbomb. Cue Jeff Jarrett with a guitar to knock Sid out cold. The referee slowly gets up and Nash loads up a powerbomb but his back is out. Now the referee turns around as Nash is holding his back and Sid is down. Nash: “Yeah I powerbombed him.” Referee: “WELL OK THEN!” Nash wins. Scott Hudson: “I refuse to refer to Nash as the master of the powerbomb!” Oh dang man. No Scott Hudson endorsement? This is a sham of a reign as powerbomb master!

Rating: F. Failure, freaking stupid, for the love of all things good and holy, for goodness’ sake, fire them both. Pick any two and that’s what the F stands for here. I actually had to get up and walk around for a bit before I started talking about this. They somehow booked a match built around one finisher and then they couldn’t even do that finish because Nash didn’t want to do the powerbomb.

From a kayfabe perspective, how freaking horrible do the referees in this company look? Ranging from staying down for five minutes off a single shot to not being able to see a tag literally three feet in front of them to saying “yeah, sure I’ll believe you when you say you powerbombed him. You would never lie”, these are the worst referees I’ve ever seen. Oh and then there’s Roddy Piper who has a young boy doing his work for him and who hears voices in his head. I would do a Randy Orton joke there but Orton is too good for this show.

Benoit says the open challenge is still, uh, open.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. ???

Ladder match and the title is officially vacant coming in The mystery opponent is……Jeff Jarrett, because why have two Jarrett segments when you can have three??? And my goodness did he change from jeans to gear in a hurry. It’s a brawl in the aisle to start with Benoit chopping Jeff into the ring. Something like an Irish Curse drops Jarrett and a superplex allows Benoit to go get the first ladder.

Jarrett gets up and hits a baseball slide to drive the ladder into Benoit, but Chris whips him into the ladder in the corner a few times to take over again. Benoit gets crotched against the ladder for something like a Russian legsweep out of the corner. Chris is busted open but still able to tie Jeff in the Tree of Woe in the standing ladder, only to find out that it’s hard to climb a ladder with someone hanging from the other side.

Both guys go up until Jarrett gets knocked down, followed by both guys going up and getting knocked over for nice crashes. In the best spot of the match, Benoit goes up but Jarrett dropkicks the ladder out from underneath him, sending Benoit down for a huge crash. Benoit is up first and dropkicks the ladder onto Jarrett but Benoit would rather drop a Swan Dive off the top of the ladder instead of grab the belt. Now he goes up and gets the belt for the win.

Rating: B. That might be high but anything above horrible would be ten times better than everything else on this show. Best match of the night here by about 19,000 years and naturally it only has ten minutes because we needed to give Oklahoma two matches and have the really stupid David Flair match instead of giving this another eight minutes. There isn’t much to say here other than the guys were doing big spots and making them look good. In other words, the polar opposite of everything else tonight.

We recap Goldberg vs. Hart, which started over Hart wanting to give Goldberg a title shot, and then became an Outsiders story involving the Tag Team Titles. Other than a few one off promos, these two have barely addressed each other.

Bret says he’s winning whether Goldberg likes it or not.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Goldberg

No DQ and there must be a winner with Bret defending. Instead of asking if we’re ready to rumble, Buffer tells us we’re ready because the fans would probably boo such a question out of the building for making this last even longer. You know how most of the time at Wrestlemania the main event eats up like 40 minutes? The bell here rings with just over thirteen minutes to go in the show. For some reason it would feel wrong if the main event of the biggest show of the year had more time than that.

They shake hands and we’re ready to go. Goldberg shoves him down out of a lockup to start but Bret takes him down with a headlock. That goes nowhere so Goldberg gorilla presses him into a powerslam for two. Goldberg tries that rolling leglock but Bret turns it into an early Sharpshooter attempt as only he could do. They fight outside with the referee getting bumped. It’s not even a big deal at this point.

Robinson comes out as a replacement and an overly excited (and likely drunk) fan is dancing badly in the front row. A big boot puts Hart down back inside but Robinson gets bumped on a hiptoss. Goldberg spears the turnbuckle as the third referee comes down to see Bret put on the Figure Four around the post. Back in and Bret starts in on the leg and puts on a regular Figure Four. The turn sends Bret running for the ropes so he wraps the leg around the middle rope in the corner.

Goldberg reverses and hammers away but referee number three goes down. There’s the Bret Killer superkick to set up the spear but a dejected Roddy Piper comes out to be the fourth referee. Bret, apparently having shrugged off the spear kicks Goldberg in the knee and MONTREAL STRIKES AGAIN as Piper calls for the bell before Bret turns the Sharpshooter over. Hudson: “NOT MONTREAL ALL OVER AGAIN!” Yes it’s Montreal all over again, because THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING THEY COULD POSSIBLY DO!

Rating: D-. The match was watchable but between the whole ending Bret Hart’s career and going back to a fake Montreal over two years later with Bret on the good end this time is one of the worst possible ideas they could have come up with. If you want Bret to keep the title on a screwjob then have someone lay Goldberg out from behind or whatever, but good night don’t do it like this. I mean, if this is the best they can think of, just close the doors now because Russo is clearly not what he’s cracked up to be (oh gee what an understatement) and they need to find ANYONE else to give the reigns over to immediately.

Piper hands Bret the belt and walks off to end the show.

Overall Rating: No. No no, no no no, no no, no no. This is flat out not acceptable as the biggest show of the year for any promotion, or as a show for any serious promotion actually. Where in the world do I even start? Well let’s start at the ending actually, as the main event was the longest match of the night at 12:07. This past week’s episode of Raw had two matches longer than that and that’s a run of the mill TV show.

Above all else, this felt like it could be any given filler pay per view where they’re not trying. I know WCW had mixed feelings about how big of a deal Starrcade really was, but at least they would usually give lip service to the fact that it’s the biggest night of the year. This felt like Fall Brawl or Uncensored instead of Starrcade and that’s a feeling that you can’t shake off no matter what.

Starrcade 1999 was Vince Russo with time to come up with his best possible ideas. Somehow he’s managed to produce the one of the worst Wrestlemanias and the one of the worst Starrcades of all time, IN THE SAME YEAR. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to do that in the span of about nine months? So much of this can be blamed on the writing and booking too. When you have thirteen matches in a show that runs less than two hours and forty five minutes, there’s very little the wrestlers can do to make the thing work.

The Mamalukes vs. Disco/Lash was the best match of the night until Chris Benoit and a ladder took their top spot. That’s almost inconceivable that a totally average tag match was as good as this show could do for about 80% of the card. These stories are thrown together with no real rhyme or reason to most of them and at some point the fans just gave up. Yeah, it worked back in the WWF in 1999, but it’s the same argument made about TNA now: why would I want to watch a lite version of the same stories with lesser and older talent doing the work?

There comes a point where you have to show your audience some respect or they’re going to turn on you. That’s where Russo doesn’t get the point: he thinks the fans are going to follow whatever he does because they’re watching a wrestling show and therefore aren’t that smart. That means he can throw some big series of swerves at us and expect us to just go with it with an explanation of “YOU DIDN’T SEE IT COMING!” and then somehow blame us for not getting it. I know this is rambling but after watching this disaster there’s no way to have any sort of coherent thought process.

It’s just one big surprise after another, but the problem is you can start to see the surprises coming about half an hour into the show. If you train your audience to expect a big swerve, it stops being a swerve and becomes part of the plot. Piper coming out at the end of the big swerve would have worked better if we didn’t have so many people turning on each other or one big surprise after another for two and a half hours leading up to it.

It doesn’t help that Piper is a legend and hasn’t had a good match in about seven years at this point but he’s being featured as a major plot point for a story that people don’t care about. The build for this show didn’t make me want to see it and then the show itself was horrible, making me have no desire to keep tuning in.

What is there that’s left untied here? Nash wins to show Sid is worthless, Hall is probably going to come back and take the title from Benoit, and we get to see more Jeff Jarrett. The big cliffhanger here is “WHY DID PIPER SCREW BRET???” If that’s the big question going into Nitro tomorrow, I have zero desire to keep watching this promotion, but I’m sure it’s my fault for not supporting Russo like he deserves for putting on all this EXCITING TV for me. Total disaster of a show and more like hitting a rock wall instead of starting some new chapter in the company’s history as the year is coming to a close.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Thunder
Date: December 16, 1999
Location: Mobile Civic Center, Mobile, Alabama
Attendance: 3,889
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Scott Hudson, Juventud Guerrera

It’s the final show before Starrcade and the big question is how can WCW screw this up even further. In theory we’re getting big stars again tonight, but as we saw last week, that means nothing if the longest match is like four minutes and nothing comes from it. Also, how many big names lose heading into the biggest show of the year? Let’s get to it.

Here are Sid and Benoit to open the show, apparently having forgotten Sid destroying Benoit at Fall Brawl three months ago. Sid talks about the war with the Outsiders and guarantees that it’s a war they can’t win. There are no escapes or retreats, but plenty of surrenders. Actually there won’t be because you made sure it was a powerbomb match so neither guy has to job.

Benoit talks about Hall’s history in ladder matches, while making sure to name drop the WWF as many times as he can. This Sunday, Benoit becomes the new king of the ladder. A challenge is made for a tag match tonight but here are Hennig/Creative Control/La Parka/Shane. Curt says the Outsiders are busy fighting Goldberg/Hart in a House of Pain match tonight, so Benoit and Sid can fight each other or be suspended for six months without pay. Who gave Hennig authority?

Juventud Guerrera comes out for commentary and does two Rock lines before the segment is over. I get the idea here but it’s just not that funny.

Sting jumps Diamond Dallas Page for the attack on Monday. Page looks for Sting after a break.

Vampiro vs. Buff Bagwell

For the first time, we hear about Vampiro getting five minutes with Oklahoma if he beats Dr. Death on Sunday. A bad shoulder puts Vampiro down and here’s Oklahoma to watch. Vampiro strikes away in the corner but gets slammed down off the top. Buff counters a hurricanrana with a powerbomb but let’s look at singer Aaron Neville in the crowd along with the less than 2000 people who paid to get in. A superkick puts Buff on the floor but Vampiro has to glare at Oklahoma, which brings in Jerry Only and Williams for a standoff. As they fight, Oklahoma gets in a barbecue bottle shot, setting up the Blockbuster for the pin.

Rating: D. This was another waste of time with the match just being there as a backdrop for the Oklahoma/Williams/Misfits nonsense. But at least we got to see the barbecue spot, and that’s funny because it’s something Jim Ross done and Jim Ross being himself is funny in some way I guess. Right?

Vampiro gets covered in barbecue sauce to continue the unfunny joke.

Prince Iaukea and Paisley don’t have much to say. Literally, Prince’s new thing is he doesn’t talk.

The Artist Form of Prince Iaukea vs. Evan Karagias

Non-title and Evan now has Spice with him. Well that’s an upgrade. Juvy says this will be the jabroni match of the week. Jot that down: a champion is a jabroni. Prince points at Evan so Evan twists the finger back. Some right hands set up a springboard cross body for two on Prince but Iaukea dropkicks him out to the floor. Cue Madusa to fight with Spice because this show can’t have a five minute match without someone coming to the ring. Paisley gets beaten up as well as Evan hits a missile dropkick on Prince. He tries to break up the girls though and Iaukea grabs a rollup for the pin, three days before a title defense.

Madusa slaps Evan post match so he leaves with Spice.

Page and Sting go at it in the back when another Sting comes up to go after the original Sting. It’s clearly Luger, but in case it wasn’t obvious enough, Page shouts LUGER as the fake Sting leaves.

Jim Duggan/Midnight vs. Asya/Perry Saturn

Shane sits in on commentary. The guys start things off with Duggan cranking on the arm and putting on a chinlock maybe 45 seconds into the match. Back up and Duggan starts a clubberin before clotheslining Saturn into the corner. It’s off to the girls with Midnight dropkicking her down so it’s off to Saturn for MAN ON WOMAN VIOLENCE! Where would we be without that?

Saturn hammers away in the corner and scores with a suplex as Harlem Heat comes down. The girls collide and it’s back to the guys with Duggan coming in for his old 80s offense. Everything breaks down and Midnight is sent to the floor, but Stevie throws her right back in. Shane comes in and clotheslines Saturn by mistake so Dean brings in the 2×4, only to have Duggan take it away and nail Saturn for the pin.

Rating: C-. Somehow, that’s 7:20 worth of wrestling but even worse, it’s probably as good as this show is going to have. The amount of time helped it a bit, but the problem this company has isn’t the lack of good wrestling but the lack of wrestling period. It’s very telling that I’m so starved for actual wrestling on these shows that a thirty second run from Duggan, who was a total brawler for most of his career, was one of the best parts of either Thunder or Nitro this week.

The Revolution beats down Duggan but Aaron Neville and Booker T. make the save. Was Neville really necessary there? WWF had Mike Tyson the year before this, but WCW has some country singer in his late 50s at this point.

David Flair screams at Gene Okerlund for no logical reason.

Sting swings his ball bat and looks for Luger.

Hardcore Title: Norman Smiley vs. David Flair

Norman, in Alabama football gear, uses a trashcan to block an early crowbar shot. They trade trashcan shots, followed by Norman’s spinning slam. David breaks up the spanking dance with a trashcan lid to the head but Meng comes out and destroys David’s teddy bear, sending Norman running away for…….wait for it…….a countout in a Hardcore Title match. Since that’s against the rules, doesn’t that mean that this match is still going on over fifteen years later?

Smiley runs from the arena.

Sting wants Luger out here right now because he knows it was him under that mask. Cue Luger, still dressed as Sting, for a beating from the real version. Juvy thinks it’s Ric Flair (Black Scorpion reference?) as Luger blocks the third Stinger Splash by raising a boot. Liz pulls the bat away from Luger, allowing Sting to Rack him (there’s a rarity). That knocks Liz down though, allowing Luger to get in some cheap shots with the bat on Sting before running away.

Post break, Sting doesn’t want medical help.

Luger drives away. Bye.

The Wall vs. Steve Williams

Oklahoma jumps in on commentary because what else is he going to do? Wall’s shoulder block is stopped by the powers of AMERICA before Williams hammers away with right hands and a slam. Williams charges into a boot and let’s cut to Chavo Guerrero selling stuff in the crowd. The fans chant for Chavo as Berlyn chases Oklahoma off and nails Williams with some foreign object for the DQ.

Rating: D. So not only are we seeing Ferrara as the Jim Ross impersonator, but now we have to sit through Steve Williams getting matches on TV? He’s fun to watch for a power guy, but you would think there are other people who could perform the role just as well. Like, the Wall for example?

Wall and Berlyn argue.

Nitro recap.

Buzzkill has fans sign a petition. He doesn’t actually say for what, but hopefully it’s his release so he can go be Brad Armstrong in the indies.

Curt Hennig vs. Dustin Rhodes

Before the match, Dustin calls Jeff Jarrett slap happy and promises to be his daddy Sunday night. Hennig jumps him to start but Dustin slams him right back down. This brings Shane inside but he gets caught in the corner for Shattered Dreams. Curt hammers away again and there go the lights. JUST LET THEM WRESTLE! Some guy dressed like Seven flies to the ring with a guitar and nails Dustin for the DQ. My goodness. You have Curt Hennig and Dustin Rhodes and think they need a screwy finish? Those two could wrestle a passable match in their sleep but they get two and a half minutes and a run-in? Really?

Jarrett (like it was going to be anyone else) and Hennig destroy Dustin post match.

After a break and some ads, Jeff Jarrett calls the Rhodes Family a bunch of slapnuts.

Chris Benoit/Sid Vicious vs. Creative Control/Curt Hennig/Shane/La Parka

Sid wants the Powers That Be to come out here and fight like men. The twins go after Benoit to start as Sid mauls the other three. Benoit comes back on the twins as Sid beats Hennig up on the floor. The twins get beaten up by Benoit’s ladder but Gerald saves Patrick from the Crossface. Curt gets back in and nails Benoit with the ladder and that’s a DQ. Nice two minute seven man handicap match.

Sid and Benoit get beaten down. What this has to do with or makes me want to see Sid vs. Nash and Benoit vs. Hall is beyond me. But at least the heels get to look strong and heels are cool right?

Piper is going to be the gatekeeper for the cage match tonight. Oh yay.

Kanyon vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Why this isn’t on Starrcade instead of Page vs. David Flair is another of life’s great mysteries. Guerrera calls Kanyon Shampoo instead of Champagne. The Champagne character works fine as Kanyon being in a movie and letting it go to his head makes sense, especially when you consider how minimal his contribution was (he was a stunt man) compared to all of the wrestlers who starred in the movie and don’t act all stuck up. Now of course that wasn’t intentional in this company, but it’s a nice touch. Anyway, Page comes out to talk trash of his own but gets gum spat in his face to get things going.

Biggs does commentary as Page hits a neckbreaker but can’t hit an early Diamond Cutter. A Rock Bottom gets two for Page until Kanyon comes back with a lot of choking. Kanyon loads up a tilt-a-whirl but Page busts out a headscissors of all things to take Kanyon down. That’s a new one for him. The announcers babble on about green cards as Kanyon stomps away in the corner. Page comes back with a clothesline and some punches but Biggs gets up on the apron, only to hit his client by mistake. There’s the Diamond Cutter but David Flair comes in with the crowbar to knock Page silly and give Kanyon the win.

Rating: D+. Not a horrible match but the run-in continues to screw with whatever good stuff this show could have going for it. At least Kanyon has a new character which works well enough for him, but what has happened to Diamond Dallas Page recently? The guy has gone from World Champion to just there in about eight months.

Bam Bam Bigelow runs in but gets laid out by a champagne bottle.

Piper beats up Creative Control with a pipe.

Bret walks to the ring until the director yells CUT.

Nash can’t find Hall. Uh oh.

Starrcade ad.

A medic runs into the Outsiders’ locker room, apparently due to an attack on Scott Hall.

Tag Team Titles: Outsiders vs. Goldberg/Bret Hart

The Outsiders are defending and this is a House of Pain match, which means a cage with a roof on it but you win by handcuffing your opponents to the cage. In other words, it’s a way to keep people from having to job. Roddy Piper is gatekeeper but Creative Control and Jeff Jarrett beats him down during the entrances. Nash and Hart fight in the ring as Goldberg runs out and attacks Jarrett and the twins as Piper shrugs off a beating, including a series of lead pipe shots, to clean house.

Goldberg rips the cage door off so he and Piper (now with the lead pipe) can come in. Jeff follows them in with guitars for Goldberg and Piper but Goldberg shrugs it off and spears Jeff down. Nash gets the pipe and hits Goldberg, allowing Jeff (fine ten seconds after the spear) to help chain Goldberg and Hart to the cage, presumably retaining the titles. Piper gets chained as well and Nash and Jarrett attack with the pipe before leaving. Goldberg rips the handcuffs from the cage to end the show.

No match of course but WOW. Nash just beat the main event of Starrcade in less than three minutes. Piper no sold pipe shots, Goldberg no sold a guitar shot, Jarrett no sold a spear, and then Goldberg no sold a beating with a pipe and ripped the handcuffs off. The World Title match wasn’t mentioned throughout this mess and basically the entire thing was a way to blow off a meaningless TV angle instead of focusing on the main event of Starrcade. Finally, well done on bringing that cage in. I’m so glad WCW spent the money to have it shipped over for a five minute appearance.

Overall Rating: F-. We are three days before Starrcade. Think about that as you look at the card and you’ll understand why this is a failure. Vince Russo has turned this company into a show where I’m looking forward to Janitor Jim Duggan appearances because I might get thirty seconds of brawling disguised as wrestling. That’s what I’ve sunk to after all these messes over the last few months and now I get to see the Granddaddy of Them All dragged through the mud. It can’t……it can’t…….it’s going to get worse isn’t it?

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #218
Date: December 13, 1999
Location: New Orleans, Arena, New Orleans, Louisiana
Attendance: 6,835
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

How is this already the go home show for Starrcade? Goldberg vs. Hart feels like a midcard match instead of the main event. Based on the amount of time given to each match, it would seem that the Mamalukes vs. Disco/Lash is headlining the card. I’m not even sure what all is on the card at this point. Let’s get to it.

We open with Benoit winning a fight against Jarrett in the back.

Opening sequence.

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea vs. Maestro

Between the piano being lowered to the stage (with Symphony back) and Iaukea’s slow artsy entrance, we’re ready to go at nearly ten minutes into the show. Maestro throws him to the floor to start before planting him with a spinebuster back inside. The girls get into it and Prince grabs a rollup with a handful of tights for the pin.

Post match, here’s Jarrett with the guitars to knock out both guys. Jeff wants a Bunkhouse Brawl (another name for hardcore of course) with Benoit tonight.

Nash is looking for Hall.

Evan Karagias hits on Spice but Madusa comes up to get in a catfight.

Here’s Bret Hart with something to say. He talks about how much he respects Goldberg, but guarantees a win this Sunday. Cue Goldberg, complete with the full security entrance. How did they know to knock on the door at that point? Goldberg wasn’t scheduled for a match, so did Dillinger just think “he might want to respond here?” He thinks Bret is going to be next on Sunday. I’m so glad it took two minutes to get to that point. This brings out the Outsiders who want their Tag Team Titles back. Hall wants to fight now but Nash has to go finish his coffee.

Gene looks down at Madusa’s chest as she promises to hurt Spice tonight. This is another of those jokes that are only funny to Russo and Ferrara so we’re getting it on national TV.

Terry Taylor tells Luger that he has a tag match against Diamond Dallas Page/Sting with David Flair as his partner. This was announced earlier in the night, which explains why Luger is so surprised. I wouldn’t watch the show either.

David Flair chases off a delivery man for reasons of general insanity.

Madusa vs. Spice

Madusa quickly takes her down to start and hammers away but Evan comes in to say calm down. Spice is helpless as Madusa wants Evan to slug her, but Evan won’t do it. Madusa gets in a cheap shot and covers Madusa (with two limbs in the ropes) for the pin. Your #1 contender everyone.

Post match Madusa kisses Evan and suplexes him.

Hennig is ready for Bagwell tonight. Those two are fighting again? Rhonda Singh comes in and Russo makes fat jokes. He won’t talk to her unless she has an agent.

Revolution recap.

Jim Duggan comes out to say he has three mystery partners on Sunday. He survived surgery to fight for this country and spend time with his wife and children. The lights go out and come back on to reveal Duggan out cold.

Roddy Piper is going to referee Bagwell vs. Hennig. Russo tells him to do the right thing.

Curt Hennig vs. Buff Bagwell

Roddy Piper is guest referee and makes it a No DQ match just because. Buff throws Hennig down a few times and poses before planting Curt with a slam. This leads to Hennig arguing with Piper for some reason, allowing Buff to grab a rollup for two. Buzzkill is in the crowd and wants to save baby seals. Again I ask, why is this supposed to be funny?

Curt comes back with right hands and chops, followed by the namesake neck snap. Piper counts slowly to start another argument. He begs Curt to slap him but the distraction lets Buff fight back with a swinging neckbreaker. Buff’s splash hits knees, but Piper and Hennig get in a fight, allowing Buff to grab a rollup for the pin with a very fast count.

Rating: D. What is this storyline? Russo and Piper hate each other because Piper has to be on TV (because he was big in the 80s you see) and now Piper is on TV as a referee but he’s being told to do the right thing, which sounds like Russo speak for let his guys win, but I think Piper is rebelling against him? Oh and Piper seems to be schizophrenic because he keeps talking to the voices in his head.

An unhappy Creative Control is on stage.

Luger goes in to see David Flair and is scared by what he sees in the locker room.

Chris Benoit vs. Jeff Jarrett

Bunkhouse match, meaning a come as you are street fight. Jeff brings a cowbell, a guitar and a bar stool so Benoit comes out with a ladder. The brawl starts in the aisle with Jeff getting the better of it and getting the cowbell because cowboys are awesome. They’re like boys, but with cows. Benoit comes back by choking with the bullrope and taking Jeff inside for two off a backbreaker. It’s ladder time but Jeff baseball slides it into Benoit’s face.

A whip into the ladder has Benoit in even more trouble but he throws Jeff into it as well to make things even. Benoit pulls him off the ladder but Jeff pulls him down with the rope. Cue Dustin Rhodes but Charles Robinson breaks up Shattered Dreams. There’s a guitar to Dustin, at the exact same time he kicks Jeff low. Benoit goes up top but Dustin is shoved into the ladder to send Benoit down in a crash to give Jarrett the pin.

Rating: D+. There were some decent spots here but the ending was, of course, a mess. I don’t know why Dustin Rhodes is here as the man in black, especially when he’s fighting because they’ve moved on from the idea of Dustin fighting because the Powers That Be fired Dusty. Instead it’s just Dustin Rhodes being Dustin Rhodes which isn’t interesting.

Luger doesn’t have much to say about the tag match but David Flair has a headless teddy bear.

A sports car arrives.

Piper goes into Russo’s office with a ball bat but Hennig nails him with a chair. So Curt is La Parka?

Meng vs. Tank Abbott

Oh sweet merciful goodness. This is a hardcore match because would you want to see them try to wrestle? They slug it out to start as this is designed to look like a shoot. Abbott takes him to the mat and they fight to the floor for a quick double countout. This is the guy Russo wanted to put the World Title on a month later?

Kanyon was in the car and seems to now be a pimp.

Police stop Piper from going after the Powers That Be.

Meng and Abbott are still fighting in the back.

Revolution vs. Harlem Heat/Midnight

Before the match we get the usual “we hate America” jazz. Dean: “We’ve got heat tonight.” Saturn: “Yeah listen to these people.” Dean: “No. Harlem Heat.” I’m not sure how to feel about that exchange. The lights go out for Midnight and come back with Saturn going after Malenko, presumably out of confusion. Booker takes Dean down to start and it’s already Spinarooni time. Off to Stevie for a slam but Booker tags himself back in.

That’s not cool with Stevie as he wanted Midnight to get the tag for reasons not entirely clear. The Revolution quickly takes over with Saturn stomping away in the corner and tagging in Dean, who walks right into the Bookend. Stevie gets the tag but Booker tags himself back in after just a few seconds. Saturn hits Asya by mistake as Stevie tags himself back in to fight Dean and Saturn at the same time. Everything breaks down and Midnight injures her knee on a leapfrog. Booker checks on the knee, leaving Stevie to get rolled up for the pin.

Rating: D+. This was an angle instead of a match but I’m glad we’re starting the latest Harlem Heat split. There’s nothing left for the two of them to do together and it means we might get to the long overdue Booker push. The match was nothing special but at least we got more man vs. woman.

Stevie yells at his brother.

Luger says Liz won’t be there with David tonight because Liz works for him alone. So we have female property.

Rhonda Singh asks Kanyon’s agent (J. Biggs, Clarence Mason from the WWF) to represent her. It turns out she can sing and dance. The agent isn’t interested, but Chavo comes up to sell Singh dancing gear. I don’t see this ending well.

Paul Orndorff is here and summoned to see the Powers That Be.

The Nitro Girls dance when Rhonda joins them in glittery attire. She’s horrible of course and shrugs off an attack by the Girls. So in the span of ten minutes, we have man vs. woman, Liz as Luger’s property and now this. How long until Russo gets fired?

Finlay is still training Knobbs on how to be hardcore.

Norman Smiley and Jerry Flynn fight in the boiler room. That goes nowhere until Meng and Abbott wander in. Norman and Meng get out while Abbott and Flynn fight.

Orndorff is in the office, where Russo fires him for training Midnight. Paul yells, so he’s put in a match with Creative Control.

Sid has a kid named Seth who he calls his coach. Seth says Sid is his favorite wrestler in the world. I think the kid has Downs Syndrome. If he does, I have no issue with this segment whatsoever.

Steve Williams vs. Sid Vicious

Oh man. Imagine this one in 1989 with JR on commentary. Instead it’s 1999 with Oklahoma. Before the match, Oklahoma says the Powers That Be have made this a suplex vs. powerbomb match, which I assume means the first person to hit that finisher wins. Dr. Death jumps Sid as he’s sitting the kid down at ringside because he’s really evil. Back in and Williams hammers away as Oklahoma lists off the resume. Sid blocks some suplexes and hammers away but Oklahoma slips his boot to Williams. He knocks Sid out but Vampiro appears to chase Oklahoma, allowing Sid to powerbomb Williams for the win.

Post match the Outsiders run in and lay out Sid to make sure the kid doesn’t get to smile any longer than he should. Sure the kid has a horrible disease, but is that any reason for the Outsiders to not look good?

Post break, Sid is looked at by a doctor and the Outsiders think it’s funny.

David Flair/Total Package vs. Diamond Dallas Page/Sting

Did Page turn face again and I missed it? I know he’s been going after David but heel vs. heel is hardly unheard of under Russo. David has the headless bear with him but takes a Stinger Splash in the first 45 seconds. Sting tags Page in with a right hand to start a fight between the two of them. Now it’s Page taking a splash but Luger sneaks in with a running clothesline to Sting, followed by some crowbar shots. Liz sneaks in to take the crowbar away before laying over Sting to stop some chair shots. David hits Luger with the crowbar so Liz puts Sting over Luger for the pin (from the referee who saw ALL OF THIS). What a mess.

Singh comes up to Champagne Kanyon and the agent in the back and asks if they liked her dance. This goes nowhere so Bam Bam Bigelow comes up and gets in Kanyon’s face. The agent offers a distraction so Kanyon can beat him down. Kanyon: “Triad that!”

After a break, Bigelow comes to the ring and demands Kanyon come out here for a match.

Kanyon vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Before the match, Biggs wants to talk about legal ramifications and gets shoved to the side so Bigelow can punch Kanyon in the face. Some biting and stomps to the head have Kanyon in even more trouble but he comes back with a swinging neckbreaker. A suplex sets up a World’s Strongest Slam to Kanyon and there’s the top rope headbutt a bit low. Kanyon is up and fine ten seconds later with the Flatliner (now called That’s A Wrap) connecting for a clean pin.

Rating: D. Did…..did that match just end clean? Did I just see a match without any interference or cheating? You always hear about these things but you never expect to actually see them happen. It was boring stuff though and the ending came out of nowhere with Kanyon just popping up and hitting his finisher for the pin.

Norman hides from Meng.

The Mamalukes have a body bag for Lash.

Piper babbles about his chair match later.

Lash Leroux vs. Big Vito

This is a body bag match, which I’m assuming is like a casket match. Lash sucks up to his hometown to start. Vito pounds away to start and nails a superkick for two. Back up and Lash nails a backdrop followed by an elbow to the jaw to send Vito into the corner. A side slam and legdrop get two more, followed by a Disco Inferno style middle rope elbow drop. Disco and Johnny fight on the floor as Lash nails the Whiplash. He puts Vito mostly in the bag which is enough for the win, even though you can see Vito’s head and shoulders.

Rating: D+. Was there any point to this being a body bag match? I certainly don’t think so, but I’m just a wrestling fan and therefore don’t understand such nuances. Nothing match here as the tag match is still set up, even though it’s not likely going to be anything special to see. At least this story has gotten some consistent TV time though and I can see what they’re going for.

Post match the Mamalukes destroy Lash and put him in the bag, eventually taking him out to their car.

Paul Orndorff vs. Creative Control

So yeah, Orndorff is back and in a match. I’ll set the over/under on run-ins here at 5.5. Paul kicks Patrick in the knee to start and puts him down with a knee lift. Gerald gets suplexed for trying to come in and an elbow drop gets two. Orndorff chokes him with a rope but Patrick makes the save to start the obvious beatdown. Cue Anderson (you remember him Paul. He’s the guy that broke your neck and ended your career) and Zbyszko to help beat up the twins, allowing Orndorff to piledrive Patrick for the pin.

Rating: D-. I’ve never been the biggest Paul Orndorff fan (I don’t dislike him but I never got the massive appeal) but you just had him hold his own and beat last week’s Tag Team Champions. Yeah he had help, but the Harris Brothers should have a lot less trouble beating up two guys who retired due to neck issues and a commentator who has wrestled like four times in three years.

Slick Johnson reverses the decision and names Creative Control the winners by DQ. Good for them I suppose.

The Mamalukes open the body bag and find….Norman Smiley. Their reactions are actually funny.

Curt Hennig vs. Roddy Piper

Chairs match and another pairing that would have rocked in 1989. Piper apparently has a torn bicep so Hennig goes right after the arm. Roddy comes back with some chair shots and Hennig leaves after about 70 seconds. I see zero point to this match existing.

Bret Hart has been attacked and Goldberg checks on him.

Tag Team Titles: Bret Hart/Goldberg vs. Outsiders

Hall and Nash are challenging. Goldberg comes out to fight alone and does just fine to start with the superkick dropping Nash and a right hand sending Hall to the floor with him. Back in and Hall officially starts for the team with a wristlock but gets put down with the AA’s second cousin. A pumphandle slam sends Hall running to the corner and it’s off to Nash. Kevin tries his luck by running the ropes but walks into a powerslam for two.

The numbers game starts catching up with Goldberg though and Hall’s cheap shot lets Nash take over. The running crotch attack to the back gets two on Goldberg and Hall plants him with a chokeslam. Hart limps down and slugs away for the save. Nash gets caught in the Sharpshooter but Hall makes the save. Everything breaks down with Hall getting kicked down, right before Nash brings in the title belt. Bret punches him down but his knee goes out, despite Nash not touching him, allowing Nash to get the pin and the titles, just before Goldberg Jackhammers Hall.

Rating: D. Angle instead of a match here, but thank goodness they managed to get the World Champion pinned six days before Starrcade and give Hall a second (or third if you consider the TV Title still around) title. This is the problem with having the World Title match participants as champions, but giving it to them for four days made it even dumber.

Trash fills the ring to end the show.

Overall Rating: F+. Well let’s see: #1 contender for the Cruiserweight Title loses to a non-wrestler, Sid gets beaten down again, the World Champion gets pinned, Jeff Jarrett still isn’t interesting and Hennig and Piper set up and blew off an angle in one night with a match barely breaking a minute. Somehow, this is their go home show (Thunder hasn’t meant anything in ages) for the biggest show of the year. Russo booking Starrcade scares the heck out of me and this didn’t do anything to make it better.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #217
Date: December 6, 1999
Location: Milwaukee Arena, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Attendance: 7,250
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

The big question this week is can WCW somehow manage to make the shows even less coherent than they already have. Last week’s show had its moments, but for the most part it was all over the place to the point where I can barely remember what happened just a week later. Starrcade is thirteen days away and we’ve barely touched on the card. We actually have a title match announced from Thunder as Bret will defend against Luger. Let’s get to it.

We open with Gene bringing out Jeff Jarrett for an interview. Jeff doesn’t need Slapnuts Okerlund and will do the interview himself. Jarrett also doesn’t need the Powers That Be or the Outsiders but he does need the WCW World Title. The fans start swearing at him and the attempted beeping out is laughably awful. He wants to get rid of Dustin Rhodes for screwing up his destiny and he’ll do it in a Bunkhouse Stampede match at Starrcade.

This brings him to Mike Tenay, who won’t come near him anymore. Jeff threatens Gene with a guitar shot but Tenay comes out and says he’ll take matters into his own hands. Jeff doesn’t care and puts Tenay in the Figure Four until Goldberg runs in for the save. Hopefully that ends the Tenay angle but I doubt it does.

The Mamalukes and Tony Marinara arrive with Tony yelling at them for letting Disco and Lash get the better of them. Tonight, they meet the boss.

Curt Hennig brings Curly Bill in to see Russo with a new gimmick in mind: Shane. Russo says it’s as bad as Vincent but at least he’s thinking. Shane is hired. Hey, I’m not sure if you knew this, but there are people named Vince and Shane in the WWF. It’s not clear why mentioning them is supposed to be amusing or entertaining, but those people do in fact exist. Rhonda Singh comes in and asks for an opportunity.

Fit Finlay has Brian Knobbs in the woods, training him to be a REAL hardcore wrestler. This has potential, but Norman would be far more entertaining.

Hardcore Title: Norman Smiley vs. Rhonda Singh

What is the deal with Russo having men fight women? It happens almost every week. Before the match, Smiley says he would take Finlay apart if he was here tonight. The fat jokes begin as Singh throws weapons into the ring and nails Norman with a trashcan. She tells him to be a man and hits another trashcan shot, followed by a splash in the corner. Norman comes back with a fire extinguisher blast and sends Singh face first through a table in the corner to retain.

Rating: F. I feel sorry for women who sign up with WCW, thinking they might be able to do something serious on the show. Instead, they’re there so Russo can either have them treated as sex objects or there to be fat and stupid. As usual, this show is Russo’s playground and the idea of it being anything resembling a wrestling show is purely coincidental.

Maestro is complaining that his piano is out of tune. He looks inside so David Flair can come up, slam the lid on his head, and kidnap Symphony. This is the stupid stuff that is dragging this show down. We’ve spent about a month explaining that David Flair is a psycho who keeps kidnapping/stalking women, and NO ONE HAS DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT. On top of that, this doesn’t seem to be leading to a match or any kind of storyline resolution, but it keeps happening week after week like a bad TV show. If it sets up a match then fine, but stop wasting my time otherwise.

Psychosis and La Parka are in Russo’s office. Apparently Juvy has hurt his arm and can’t defend the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title in his rematch against Liger tonight. One of the two of them will take Juvy’s place, and it’s going to be whoever gets out of the office first. Psychosis nails Parka and leaves first. This is what Vince Russo thinks of cruiserweights.

Luger comes up to Liz’s door with champagne and says this is the night that defines their careers.

Disco and Lash invade Marinara’s dressing room with promises of pizza.

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title: Psychosis vs. Jushin Thunder Liger

This is the second time in a year that Psychosis is defending a title he didn’t win. Feeling out process to start with Liger taking over with a headscissors. A backdrop sends Psychosis to the floor but let’s stop to look at Buzzkill in the crowd. Liger nails a plancha but Psychosis snaps his throat across the top for a breather.

Psychosis hits a missile dropkick for two and yells at Charles Robinson for the near fall. Back to the floor with Liger being whipped into the barricade, setting up a top rope hurricanrana to give Psychosis two back inside. A quick Liger Kick stuns Psychosis and Liger throws him into the ropes for a crash. Out of nowhere, a majistral cradle gives Liger the title back.

Rating: C. The fans didn’t care, but a lot of that is likely due to most of them not being familiar with Liger or the title. Both Liger and the title have been thrown out there two weeks in a row with no real explanation of who they are or why they’re here. I’m sure some fans remember Liger from his occasional appearances, but the majority seem to think of him as just another guy fighting for a title that isn’t the Cruiserweight belt.

La Parka chairs Psychosis post match to make sure Liger gets zero focus.

The Nitro Girls play cards when the Mamalukes come in and make it a strip poker game.

Liz will have nothing to do with Luger’s apologies.

Maestro looks for Symphony.

Gene keeps staring at Mona’s chest, prompting Mona to say she’s more than T&A, unlike Madusa.

Evan Karagias vs. Mona vs. Madusa

If either girl wins, they get a title shot at Evan at Starrcade. If Evan wins, he gets Starrcade off. The girls shove Evan away and go at it themselves with Madusa kicking her in the face for two. Evan sits in on commentary because EVERY MATCH NEEDS COMMENTARY. Mona comes back with a cross body and missile dropkick but Evan throws her down, only to get small packaged by Madusa for the pin in like 80 seconds.

Jeff Jarrett comes out and guitars Madusa because men beating up women is funny right? He challenges Goldberg for later.

Lash and Disco have tied Tony up and promise him a surprise.

Liz pours champagne on Luger’s head.

Maestro is still looking for Symphony and doesn’t notice when he walks past David.

Vampiro and Jerry Only are going to take out Dr. Death tonight.

Oklahoma/Steve Williams vs. Vampiro/Jerry Only

Oklahoma has a wireless mic on, no shirt, and is going to call the match as he starts with Vampiro. To the shock of no one, Oklahoma runs away from the threat of violence and tags in Dr. Death for some three point tackles. We hit the spinning toehold before it’s back to Oklahoma, who can’t do the same hold. Vampiro comes back with a kick to the head, which makes me smile far more than it should.

Off to Williams vs. Only with Jerry getting caught in the running press slam. Oklahoma gets in a chair shot to Jerry as Williams hits the Stampede but pulls Vampiro up. That goes well for Vampiro as he superkicks Williams down, only to have Oklahoma nail him with a boot. Williams clotheslines Vampiro down and it’s off to Oklahoma for a bottom rope elbow and the pin.

Rating: F. The unfunny parody beats the wrestler the fans want to see in a match where the musician doesn’t have to look bad. It’s another case of WCW having no idea how their priorities should work and the show being about making the writers laugh instead of delivering what the fans might want to see.

The Nitro Girls cheat to beat the Mamalukes in the poker game.

Disco and Lash get ready to tar and feather Marinara. In the middle, Disco draws what looks to be a Hitler mustache on Tony.

The Outsiders are ready for their matches tonight.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Total Package

This is the opener of the second hour because the REAL main events are still to come. The champ jumps Luger during the removal of the pants and takes the fight outside. Hart goes after the back and then the knee as we continue this brief resurrection of the old Bret Hart style. Luger goes after the eyes for an escape and here are Sting and Liz. Sting yells at Liz and asks who she’s going to represent. The distraction lets Bret hit a quick Russian legsweep followed by the Sharpshooter to retain.

Rating: D. I love seeing Bret work the body parts like he did in the old days, but can we get a World Title match to close the show instead of giving it less time than the Oklahoma match? I’m sure I just don’t get the appeal of the comedy stylings of Oklahoma and that I’m over thinking the importance of the WCW World Heavyweight Championship, which has been reduced to a plot point in the Sting vs. Luger feud.

Here’s the Hennig/Shane/Singh segment from earlier. Not a repeat mind you, but the same segment which is presented like first run footage.

Russo offers La Parka the position of Chairman, meaning he’s supposed to chair anyone that stands in front of Russo. Harlem Heat comes in and are given a title shot at Starrcade, but La Parka nails Booker with a chair and Creative Control comes in for the beatdown.

Roddy Piper is here. Tonight he’s refereeing Creative Control vs. Roddy Piper. That’s not a typo.

David Flair talks to the voices in his head as Symphony wonders why she took this job.

Jerry Flynn issues an open challenge for the Block.

Asya vs. Midnight

These two might be the exception to Russo’s horrible treatment of women. The Revolution is now in full black attire with Shane ranting about how people tell him he can’t desecrate the flag. The fans’ chants have to be censored again and it’s another failure. Shane displays the Revolution flag and Saturn says they’re like the Black Panthers. The far bigger Midnight attacks to start and gets two off a dropkick. Asya gets two off a suplex but gets caught in Ricky Steamboat’s double chicken wing. A delayed vertical suplex gets two for Midnight but the Revolution comes in for the quick no contest.

Jim Duggan comes out for the save but gets beaten down and covered with the Revolution flag.

Larry Zbyszko talks to Mike Graham about an upcoming meeting with Russo and company.

We get the return of the Nitro Party tapes, but this one includes a “fan” (soon to be known as Daffney), saying that David Flair is really cool.

Creative Control vs. Roddy Piper

Piper is guest referee. Before the match, they have to do everything he says. Why don’t they have to do everything he says during the match as well? Or am I looking too deeply into this. Piper pats them both down and grabs one’s crotch (Piper: “I’m having a ball!”). This is an I Quit match, so the first rule is you win by making someone say they quit. The second rule is a kick between one of the twins’ legs, followed by the bell ringing.

Piper’s hand lock has no effect so the twins hit a pair of double gutbusters. Piper won’t give up so they load up a spike piledriver, drawing out Goldberg for the save. He botches the Jackhammer as Piper chokes the other one with a tie to win. So Bryan stole it from Piper? Also, nice job of having the Tag Team Champions lose.

Tony Marinara is tarred and feathered. He offers threats of his father.

The Mamalukes offer a winner take all hand in the poker game.

Maestro finds Symphony’s shoe.

Dustin Rhodes vs. Meng

Meng vs. Smiley for the Hardcore Title is announced for Starrcade. I’ll skip Meng no selling the offense and get to the meat of the “match”: Jarrett runs in, Meng is sent to the floor, Outsiders run in, Meng no sells a guitar shot, Nash kicks Meng to the floor and powerbombs Rhodes. This has been another non-match.

Larry is in Russo’s office. Russo: “Why does Thunder suck now?” Well at least someone finally said it. Larry blames it on the lack of A-list stars on the show, so Russo says they’ll be there from now on. He’s firing the announcer though. This makes Larry insult Hennig because the script says he should, setting up a loser leaves town match for later with Zbyszko vs. Hennig. If Larry wins, Russo is gone but if Curt wins, Larry is gone.

Prince Iaukea is now dressed as the Artist Formerly Known As Prince.

Curt Hennig vs. Larry Zbyzsko

Larry comes out to the Nitro theme but Hennig has Shane with him. This is quite the showdown. Larry starts (on time!) with his basic wrestling stuff and gets two off a swinging neckbreaker. The referee goes down and Hennig starts a comeback (a minute and a half into the match) with knee lifts and an abdominal stretch. Larry counters the PerfectPlex into his guillotine choke but Shane makes the save. Cue Arn Anderson to lay out both bad guys (I guess that’s the closest thing we’ll get to an Enforcers reunion), giving Larry the surprise pin.

Rating: O. For oh of course it’s not going to stand. The match was nothing to see of course but that’s what you have to expect these days. The only other note here: people often forget Larry’s age. He turned 46 the day before this match and was still in good shape so it wasn’t the biggest stretch. It’s weird to think of him in his mid 40s when he was the old veteran during the NWO’s heyday.

Creative Control comes out and shows Robinson the replay so the finish is reversed, meaning Larry is gone.

Disco and Lash put an apple in Marinara’s mouth. The Mamalukes see this, throw on their clothes, and go after them.

Chris Benoit vs. Kevin Nash

Hall, carrying a ladder, comes out with Nash and sits in on commentary. Nash takes Benoit into the corner to start and elbows him in the head. As Nash walks around, Hall sits on top of the ladder for a better view. Benoit stomps him down in the corner and cannonballs onto Nash’s leg. They head to the floor with Nash no selling the leg work and sending Benoit into the steps. Back in and the side slam gets two for Nash (Hall: “SUCK ON THAT BENOIT!”) but Chris dropkicks the knee out and cranks on the leg.

Benoit slugs away in the corner but charges into a boot to the face. There go the straps and Hall gets off the ladder, only to see Benoit slap on the Crossface. Hall decks the referee and throws in the ladder but Benoit dropkicks it into Nash’s face. A cross body off the ladder puts Hall down and Benoit hammers away until Nash gets up with the Jackknife. Hall loads up the Edge onto the ladder until Sid comes out to make the save. No contest.

Rating: C-. I liked this better than I was expecting to. Nash is underrated as a big power guy as he can make his offense look damaging while also having someone like Benoit break him down. This wasn’t a great match and of course got bogged down by all the nonsense, but I had a better time with it than I was expecting to.

Sting tells the Outsiders to bring it.

Here are the Mamalukes to call out Disco and Lash but gets the girls from the club last week. Vito rants about how he didn’t want to sleep with them, but Disco and Lash sneak up on them and attack. This brings out the tarred and feathered Tony Marinara to nail them with a pipe, allowing the Mamalukes to take them away.

The Mamalukes throw Disco and Lash into a car but the car drives off without them. What

is Russo’s obsession with this story? It gets as much airtime as anything else on the show.

Maestro staggers into the boiler room to find Symphony but gets beaten up by Jerry Flynn. So Jerry is the modern day Mankind? Jerry goes to a door, finds David and Symphony, and eats a crowbar to the face.

Nick Patrick says everyone is banned from ringside unless they have business out there because it’s time for the referees to take power back. Normally I would complain about aline like that but a lot more structure around here would be an incredibly welcome sight.

Liz has a contract in her hands.

Scott Hall vs. Sting

Non-title, which might have something to do with Hall not bringing the belt with him. Liz comes out with Sting and Nash jumps in on commentary. Hall finds the toothpick throw hilarious but Sting would rather hit him in the face to take over. They quickly head outside with Nash choking Sting with a cord, allowing Hall to get in some cheap shots.

Back in and we hit the abdominal stretch on Sting, followed by a sleeper so neither guy has to do much other than stand there. A belly to back suplex finally gets Sting out and he slugs away, including ten punches in the corner. Sting gets all the way up to twenty but Scott pokes him in the eye for a breather. Liz gets on the apron to pepper spray Hall, setting up the Deathlock for the submission.

Rating: D. I guess it helps that Hall didn’t lose clean, but maybe you could like, not have a champion lose on TV. It was nice to have something resembling a clean match until the ending, which felt tacked on, but somehow that’s an upgrade in the Russo era. To be fair though, at least the title doesn’t mean anything these days anyway so it can’t be hurt too badly.

Here’s David Flair to his dad’s music and holding Symphony by the hair. Maestro has ten seconds to come out here and get her, but here’s Page instead. A crowbar shot misses and Page lays him out with a Diamond Cutter before telling the Powers That Be to make this a pay per view match. Oh and contrary to rumors, he’s NOT going to the WWF because he’s loyal to what brought him here. Thanks for that totally unnecessary name drop, but to be fair they are closing the ratings gap. Last week they lost by 3.4 points and this week it would only be 3 even, meaning Raw doubled Nitro up. Page calls out Sid and their match is on.

Sid Vicious vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Sid shoves him out to the floor to start and drops Page throat first across the barricade. Back in and Page grabs a quick neckbreaker but Sid launches him off at two. A top rope clothesline puts Sid down again but he breaks up the Diamond Cutter by, say it with me, knocking Page into the referee. There’s the powerbomb to Page but the Outsiders run in for the beatdown. This brings out Benoit to help fight back but Jeff Jarrett comes in for the save until Bret Hart runs in to make it even. Page walks out and the match is a no contest because of course it is.

As everyone brawls, Nick Patrick grabs the mic and says the referees and security haven’t been in charge all night so the main event can be a lumberjack match because they’re out of here. So yeah, they’re not even trying to call it wrestling anymore as there won’t be any referees. It hasn’t been a wrestling show in weeks so it’s nice to see them finally confirm it.

Back from a break with the Outsiders, Jarrett and now Creative Control still destroying everyone until Goldberg comes out for the save. The four good guys stand tall and Jarrett says no way, so here’s Roddy Piper to say he’ll referee and everyone else can be lumberjacks. Jeff tries to leave again so the Green Bay Packers show up to stop him, allowing Dustin Rhodes to throw him back in.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Goldberg

A big shoulder gets two for Goldberg and he starts hammering Jeff in the face. Jeff tries to jump over him in the corner but gets caught in a powerslam as this is one sided so far. Jarrett rolls outside and gets beaten up by the lumberjacks. He rolls back inside and gets caught in an armbar, so it’s right back to the lumberjacks. Everyone outside gets in a brawl so Jeff sneaks in a chair to take over behind Piper’s back. A high cross body gets two for Jeff and it’s time for the sleeper as the fight has finally calmed down.

Goldberg fights up and slams out of the sleeper because he’s Goldberg and it was just a sleeper. Both guys collide and go down, which looks way off as you wouldn’t expect Goldberg to go down off a Jeff Jarrett shoulder block. Piper counts to ten without anyone getting up and nothing changes as a result. Nash grabs Goldberg’s foot to break up the spear and pulls him to the floor for a beatdown. In the melee, Bret brings the belt in and nails Jarrett (mostly off camera), setting up the Jackhammer for the pin.

Rating: D+. Well they tried. This match was the attempt to make Jeff Jarrett seem like a legitimate main event guy but it really didn’t work. The insanity of the match held it down because we can’t just have Goldberg and Jarrett have a match where Jeff outsmarts him before falling to the Jackhammer, but that might be asking for too much.

Overall Rating: D. This show was all over the place, as has become WCW’s custom. First and foremost, what is with the obsession over the mafia story? That angle got more time than anything else all night with David Flair and the Maestro in second place. The wrestling was what you would expect from WCW with the longest match not even breaking eight minutes. There’s stuff going on for sure, but you have to take notes to remember why people are doing what they’re doing with only thirteen days left until Starrcade. Oh and Thunder sucks and is apparently going to be a plot point going forward. How nice.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #216
Date: November 29, 1999
Location: Pepsi Center, Denver, Colorado
Attendance: 12,881
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

We’re less than three weeks away from Starrcade and usually that would mean some of the matches should be clear. At the moment though, the field is almost wide open and given who is in charge, I’m not sure if we should expect to get any development this week either. Last week’s main event was at least a calm match for a change. Let’s get to it.

This episode is dedicated to Hiro Matsuda, who trained Hulk Hogan, Lex Luger, Scott Hall and Ron Simmons among others.

We open with Goldberg making his full entrance and taking his sweet time in doing so. Goldberg gets right to the point: he’s not cool with the Outsiders playing comedy games most of the time and then hitting him with a chair last week. Goldberg liked the chair though and he’s ready for some payback. He has Nash tonight and Hall better stay away from the ring. Cue the Outsiders to say they have five words for Goldberg: don’t sing it, bring it. They make it to the middle of the aisle, but Sid comes out and says he’s the new babyface in town. The brawl is quickly broken up by security, which is more than I was expecting.

Tony and Heenan run down the card. Hang on for this one.

Nash vs. Goldberg – No DQ, no countout

Hall vs. Sid for the US/TV Titles – No DQ, no countout

Hart vs. Meng for the World Title – No DQ, no countout

Sting vs. Jarrett vs. Benoit – #1 contenders match for a title shot after Starrcade

Jerry Only vs. Steve Williams – Cage

Mud wrestling with wrestlers to be announced

THIS IS ON ONE TV SHOW WITH NO BUILDUP. Three street fights, a cage match, a triple threat and mud wrestling.

Roddy Piper arrives with some fairly big (for wrestling that is) women. One of them appears to be Rhonda Singh, who you might remember as Bertha Faye from 1995 WWF.

Luger is here in a new suit and carrying papers.

The Mamalukes are on the phone with Tony Marinara, who tells them to deal with Disco Inferno and Lash Leroux.

Tag Team Titles: Creative Control vs. Buff Bagwell/Booker T.

The twins are defending of course and have Hennig with them. Buff starts with we’ll say Patrick and the twin gets cross bodied and dropkicked into the corner. Off to Gerald and Booker as Tony says Bagwell has won over five Tag Team Titles of his own, which is of course inaccurate (five reigns).

Back to Patrick for a gutwrench suplex on Booker but Mr. T. nails an ax kick, allowing for the hot tag to Bagwell, despite the match not even being three minutes old yet. Bagwell cleans house and everything breaks down. Buff mostly misses the Blockbuster but the other twin offers a distraction, allowing Hennig to hit Bagwell with a chair to retain.

Midnight comes out for the post match save.

Russo is livid that he has to book some Japanese guy named Jushin Thunder Liger. That’s not me being sarcastic. Russo actually referred to him as “some Japanese guy.” If Guerrera can beat him tonight for the IWGP Light Heavyweight Title (again his words), he’ll take care of Juvy’s visa issues. Russo has a plan to make sure this happens. If he wants Juvy to win and take care of his visa issues, why not just take care of them?

Luger threatens to sue Liz over breach of contract, hence the papers earlier. She offers to do anything to make him drop the suit, which intrigues Luger.

Piper can’t get in to see Russo but is fine with waiting if he gets the $3 million a year. Our hero everyone.

Singh and the other girl wonder what they should wear for their match tonight.

Symphony (Ryan Shamrock) receives flowers and a love letter from Maestro.

Jeff Jarrett doesn’t care about angering Dustin Rhodes and blasts Tenay with a guitar. Where was he during those One Night Only shows?

Here’s Brian Knobbs with something to say. That might be better than having him wrestle. He wants Norman Smiley (who he calls a woman) out here right now for a fight over the Hardcore Title. We cut to the back to see Norman cowering because he doesn’t have his protective gear.

Finlay walks by to send Norman diving under a table as he goes to the ring to fight Knobbs in Smiley’s place. Finlay comes out to the ring and throws Knobbs a kendo stick for a duel. This goes about as you would expect for a fight to go against Finlay, as he beats Knobbs down and cuts his hair. Finlay says if Knobbs wants to be a soldier, he can look like one.

The Mamalukes take Okerlund to a strip club. Ok then.

Russo yells at Hennig and the twins for getting beaten up by Midnight and makes Hennig vs. Midnight later tonight.

Piper is ready for the mud wrestling and cracks some bad jokes.

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title: Jushin Thunder Liger vs. Juventud Guerrera

Guerrera is challenging/trying to get a work visa and neither guy gets an entrance. Ten seconds in, Buzzkill comes out carrying a Down With Big Brother sign. They run the ropes to start until Juvy hits a sitout bulldog ala Rey Mysterio. Liger is sent to the floor for a springboard dive but comes back in with a frog splash for two. A tilt-a-whirl backbreaker sets up the surfboard as the fans finally wake up a bit.

Liger gets two more off a belly to belly and Juvy taps, which means nothing in this case for reasons not explained. They fight over a backslide as Buzzkill wants them to give peace a chance. Tony actually brings up Buzzkill’s matches against Liger back in the early 90s but Buzzkill doesn’t acknowledge him. Eh points for trying I guess. Juvy hits a Stunner over the top rope but Liger escapes the Juvy Driver and grabs a German suplex. Buzzkill offers a distraction though, allowing Juvy to hit Liger in the head with a bottle of tequila for the pin and the title.

Rating: D+. I wasn’t shocked to find out that New Japan didn’t acknowledge this title change for years. Russo has deemed a worthless hippie character (the character, not the wrestler) more important than one of the best cruiserweight wrestlers of all time. This shouldn’t surprise you, as Russo clearly has no respect for wrestling whatsoever. The match was nothing to see as it barely broke five minutes and the guys were just doing moves until we got to the stupid ending.

Chavo Guerrero has taken over the interviews for the night and offers to sell us some fine china for $39.99. Oh and Dr. Death and Oklahoma (his official name now) are going to destroy Jerry Only.

Symphony gets another gift from Maestro.

Gene is getting drunk at the club. Because GENE OKERLUND needs a story.

Chavo tries to sell the Outsiders a home security system before asking when he’s going to start defending the TV Title. Well that would be tonight if you listened to Tony earlier. Hall is annoyed that he hasn’t gotten to meet any TV stars or received any free TV dinners so he throws the title belt to Nash, who throws it in a trash. That makes two titles trashed either literally or figuratively in less than an hour. To be fair though, that thing died during Steiner’s first reign.

Here’s the Revolution with an American flag, which they immediately throw down and step on. Douglas brags about taking out the Filthy Animals from the inside and now the Animals are gone. The Revolution isn’t cool with a Canadian like Hart holding the World Title and doesn’t like the fans cheering him. Malenko was booed when he eat a Canadian last week so he’s fed up with America.

The Revolution is declaring themselves a sovereign nation and they all have snake names. Malenko will be the Python, Shane will be the Rattler, Asya will be the Boa and Saturn will be……the Trouser? This of course brings out Jim Duggan to talk about America and swing the 2×4, which clearly twists around in his hands because it’s made of foam. I had one of those when I was a kid. The Revolution beats him down and does the Iwo Jima pose over him with the American flag. Benoit finally makes the save like a good Canadian. You can add the Revolution to the list of things Russo didn’t understand. Oh and put WOOD on there too.

Speaking of Russo, he wants Piper in his office.

The Wall issues an open challenge for the Block, which is a SHOOT in a boiler room.

Piper can’t come in to see the boss because he has to go to the bathroom to take a Vince Russo. So if he can say Russo’s name, why can’t anyone else?

US Title: Sid Vicious vs. Scott Hall

Street fight. This would be a bait and switch on the TV Title no? Heenan rips on Sid’s talking abilities on the way to the ring. Nash sits in on commentary and his first line is to call the TV Title a piece of garbage. Sid hammers on the champ but gets distracted by the shine on Nash’s hair, allowing Hall to rake the eyes to take over.

The Outsider’s Edge doesn’t work so Sid grabs a chokeslam, only to bump the referee. There’s the powerbomb but Nash comes in, only to get kicked in the face. Jarrett runs out with a guitar to break up the powerbomb on Nash before putting Hall on top to retain. That would be worthless street fight #1 of the evening.

Goldberg comes out (in a t-shirt for some reason) and hits Jarrett with the worst spear I’ve ever seen from him.

Gene is still at the club and dancing with what appear to be strippers. Is there a point to this anytime soon?

As expected, the women will be in the mud later.

The Nitro Girls get in a food fight and the mud wrestler starts choking. Juvy runs in with the Heimlich for the save. It’s as random as it sounds.

Jerry Only vs. Steve Williams

Escape only. Williams pounds on the singer to start and scores with a powerslam as Oklahoma is in on commentary. Heenan: “Why do you say everything three times?” Oklahoma: “It’s my gimmick son.” Williams stays on Only but Vampiro and the Misfits jump the barricade and cover Oklahoma in barbecue sauce. The Oklahoma Stampede (running powerslam) plants Only but Williams throws him through the door to give Jerry the win. The announcers treat this as nothing of interest.

Quick sidebar on Oklahoma: why is this supposed to be funny? He doesn’t say anything outlandish other than talk about barbecue sauce, which is hardly wild stuff. The football obsession is nothing new. What is the joke here supposed to be? What good is it to mock a guy by calling moves? Isn’t that what he’s supposed to be doing? Ross is known for being over the top, so the parody is acting a lot like him but as a comedic guy? It’s more like a caricature than a parody, which again isn’t funny.

Guerrera says he saved the choking girl with mouth to mouth. Russo calls her a wildebeest. Here’s the thing: yeah she’s bigger than say Lita or Stacy Keibler, but the commentators are basically calling a fat cow. She has a fairly pretty face and is far from fat, but since this is a Russo company, all women have to range from evil to fat to stupid to property of some man to just a sex character.

Luger has an idea.

Bret Hart knows he has a tough fight in Meng but he’s ready to fight. Chavo says the shine in Bret’s hair is due to the hair care product Chavo sold him. Wait. You have HAIR product and you pitched a security system to KEVIN NASH??? No wonder you bombed as a salesman. Know your customers!

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Meng

No DQ, no countout, which isn’t mentioned during the introductions. Bret hammers away to start and gets clubbered down for his efforts. More right hands from the champ are countered by a backhand punch to the face. A running boot to the face gets two and Meng plants Hart with a shoulder breaker. Bret comes back with the Five Moves but Hall comes in and the referee goes down. Meng puts Hall in the Tongan Death Grip but Nash slides in and goes off on Meng with a kendo stick. They go after Hart but Benoit comes out with a stick of his own to beat up the Outsiders. Bret goes back in and puts on the Sharpshooter for the TKO.

Rating: D. The match was nothing, but I liked Bret’s promo (minus Chavo) before. It was old school Bret where he praised his opponent but said he was just that much better. That’s Bret’s bread and butter and it still worked here. I’ll even give them points to building Meng over the last few weeks and then giving him a match like this. The booking of the match went down hill, but this was a logically built match with a decent pre-match promo.

However, at the same time, the curse of Russo strikes again. The problem with Russo is simple: if you’ve seen one of his grand conspiracy storylines, you’ve seen them all. There are little signs here and there and once you know what to look for, it becomes really obvious. Now that being said, it had only been seen once in 1999 so it wasn’t such a problem. What it means though is the story worked back then and doesn’t hold up as well now.

Now Symphony gets a bear.

Luger has an idea to pop the ratings. Would that involve Luger taking a long vacation?

Tygress and Spice fight again with Tygress being thrown into a shower.

Madusa is in Evan’s locker room and talks him into a Cruiserweight Title shot at Starrcade with the power of the lips and silicone.

As expected, Luger tells Russo that Liz will be in the mud.

Chavo is interviewing Sting when Liz comes up to beg him for help. Just like last week, Sting doesn’t care.

Chris Benoit vs. Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett

One fall to a finish and the winner gets a World Title shot at some point after Starrcade. Jeff wins a slugout with Sting to start but Benoit suplexes Jarrett down for two. All three beat on each other for near falls until Jarrett comes out on top of it and punches Sting up against the ropes.

Benoit flips out of a belly to back suplex but Sting splashes him by mistake. Well in theory as you can’t tell anyone’s motivation these days. The Stroke is countered into a Crossface but Sting breaks it up. Cue Liz for a distraction so Luger can hit Sting with a chair, but Jarrett hits Benoit with the guitar. This brings Dustin Rhodes through the crowd with I think the bell to knock Jarrett out, giving Benoit the pin.

Rating: C-. Oh yeah Benoit won but it only took three people running in, a chair, a guitar and the ring bell with Benoit getting the pin while being unconscious for a title shot somewhere down the line. Thank goodness on that one as they were getting close to making someone look strong.

The Mamalukes leave the club with some girls, meaning Gene is on his own.

Symphony goes up to see Maestro but it’s David Flair in a wig. Oh good grief. He makes her go over to the piano and opens it up to find Maestro inside. So now David Flair some kind of criminal mastermind stalker. Of course he is.

Goldberg vs. Kevin Nash

No DQ, no countout again. Goldberg does his entrance but stops to beat up Hall. Your US Champion ladies and gentlemen. Nash comes out and goes after Goldberg as Sid is locked in a room. That lasts all of ten seconds and it’s a four way brawl as the music keeps playing. They fight out into the arena and into the ring for the opening bell. Goldberg cleans house until Hall chairs the referee and Goldberg down. Sid comes back in but Hart sneaks in and steals the chair away to blast Nash. Goldberg gets back up and spears Nash, setting up the Jackhammer for the pin in 100 seconds.

Three street fights, three ref bumps, one broke three minutes. That’s the triple main event.

Roddy Piper keeps ranting about mud.

The Outsiders want Sid and Goldberg in a cage tonight.

Rhonda Singh vs. Elizabeth

Piper is refereeing. Singh comes out to stripper music but there’s no Liz. We go to the back where Liz says she doesn’t care about the lawsuits and walks away. Singh slaps Piper and pulls him into the mud, where he rides her like a horse and spanks her a bit. No Russo doesn’t have issues with women. Why do you ask? Creative Control gets muddy as well and Piper covers one of them for a pin.

The Mamalukes are cooking dinner in the girls’ apartment. This is what, the fifth time we’ve seen these guys tonight?

Arn Anderson is upset about being fired so here’s Hennig to offer him a spot on the team. Anderson just walks away.

Chae gets in a fight with Skye.

The Wall vs. Jerry Flynn

Boiler room brawl, called the Block and billed as a shoot. They fight, they kick, they punch, they choke, they ignore the fans booing, they can barely breathe, Berlyn comes in and hits Flynn with a pipe, Wall chases Berlyn off with the pipe and it’s another no contest. Heenan: “I don’t get it.” END THIS SHOW ALREADY.

Chavo is in the back when Piper comes up. Roddy talks about the wars he had with Chavo Sr. and tells Chavo to stand up for himself. The Outsiders come in and get in a fight with Piper.

Curly Bill asks Hennig for a job.

Russo yells at Luger, who promises to get Liz muddy before the end of the night. Creative Control is already cleaned up and wearing new suits.

Midnight vs. Curt Hennig

Hennig headlocks her down to start but Midnight nips up. A shoulder drops Hennig and stuns him at the same time. Hennig chops away in the corner and puts on an abdominal stretch, where he continuously slaps Midnight’s chest. So we can add sexual harassment to Russo’s time in charge. The lights go out and Stevie Ray returns to beat up Curt for the DQ.

The lights go out again and Curly Bill appears to beat on Stevie, but then the lights go out again so Arn Anderson can beat up Hennig. Even the Horsemen music can’t save this mess.

The girls tie the Mamalukes to the bed, allowing Disco Inferno and Lash Leroux to come in and pour spaghetti sauce on them. And that’s the big payoff for the night.

Luger brings Liz out and throws her in the mud, followed by pouring a bucket of mud over her. He takes off the jacket but Sting comes out and shoves him into the mud, ruining most of the suit. Liz appears to slip badly getting out of the pit.

The Mamalukes are still in bed. Thanks for coming back to that.

Goldberg/Sid Vicious vs. Outsiders vs. Chris Benoit/Bret Hart

In a cage with one fall to a finish and muddy Piper refereeing. It’s a brawl to start as you would expect with a lot of punching all over the ring. Both Outsiders get double teamed in the corner and the fans chant for Goldberg. Nash gets fired up again and punches Sid down in the corner but Tony talks about sauce (both kinds, because Russo felt the need to have three people covered in two types of sauce in one night).

Things slow down as the match is already three minutes old as even more punching abounds. Since a triple threat cage match with the Swamp Thing as referee isn’t enough, cue Jeff Jarrett with a cart full of weapons. Guitar shots all around of course and it’s time for the handcuffs with Hart being chained to the cage. Hall gets knocked out so Benoit, I’m guessing out of boredom, goes up and hits the Swan Dive on Hall for the pin.

Rating: D. I can’t say it fails after that dive but my goodness this was dull. It was a bunch of standing around and punching with Piper offering nothing interesting or important to the match. I’m really not even sure why these people are fighting, but it’s probably better to be confused than to ask.

Jarrett and the Outsiders beat up Benoit, Goldberg and Sid, seemingly not bothered by the loss.

Overall Rating: F. This is the stuff people talk about when Russo is discussed. We have gimmick matches, unfunny jokes, women being treated a hundred times worse than the Divas of today are treated, matches being made on the fly and stories that make no sense. Oh and a bunch of mud for some reason and titles being destroyed because there’s no point to having them around.

I lost count of how many gimmicks we had all night as well as the ref bumps, the guitar shots and the women being treated as either stupid or sex objects. That’s a good way to sum up Russo: there’s so much of the same kind of stuff going on that you can’t tell where anything is going. It’s definitely easier to sit through than one of the boring shows, but my goodness the quality goes through the floor. Horrible show here as Russo just burns through everything he has in record time.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #215
Date: November 22, 1999
Location: Palace of Auburn Hills, Auburn Hills, Michigan
Attendance: 11,449
Commentators: Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

We’re past Mayhem now and Bret Hart is the new WCW World Champion, actually winning the title mostly clean over Chris Benoit in the Sharpshooter. The next big night for the company is about a month away at Starrcade, meaning it’s time to see what Russo considers a big idea. This would be different than a small match with only four run-ins, a ref bump and a weapon being used. Let’s get to it.

Jeff Jarrett is in the back and ranting about how he’s the chosen one.

Opening sequence.

Here’s Bret to open things up with a very shiny title. He’s finally here after a long two years but it was all worth it and this title is for his father Stu. As for things around here, what happened to Goldberg hasn’t been cool so Bret thinks he should give Goldberg a title shot at Starrcade. Cue the Outsiders with Hall mocking everything Bret says, as you would expect him to.

Maybe Bret should take some lessons from the Outsiders because they took WCW to where it is today. That joke easily writes itself. They want a match against Bret and Goldberg tonight and Bret says of course, but Jarrett sneaks in and blasts Bret with the guitar. Like any good heel, he leaves with the belt.

Curt Hennig is in the back and says he can’t wrestle, but he can say goodbye to everyone. He turns around and sees the Maestro playing the piano. Nothing else happens, and Maestro will be playing there all night long. Why? Because that’s what Maestro does I suppose.

Konnan tells Kidman to stop worrying about his missing camera.

Tony Marinara is with the Mamalukes, better known as Big Vito and Johnny the Bull. Vito wants a cheese sandwich, and he says it so convincingly that I want to buy him a sandwich. They plan on putting a horse’s head in someone’s bed, then realize they don’t know whose bed it is. Marinara threatens to call his father the Don and reminds them that it’s Disco.

Luger is with the Powers That Be and tells them that he can book Liz in matches due to owning her contract. They agree, so tonight it’s Liz vs. Meng. I do enjoy them pretending that this is going to be a match instead of an angle.

Liz is horrified. Me too. What a stupid story.

Tag Team Titles: Konnan/Kidman vs. Creative Control

Whoa! A match! The twins are challenging. Kidman gets launched into the air for two to start before the other twin plants him with a slam. Gerald gets dropkicked down though and the hot tag brings in Konnan to clean house. We cut to the screen to show Eddie and Torrie in the locker room talking. Kidman freaks out and runs to the back, even though they were just casually talking. The monsters don’t really need the help though as a spinning belly to back suplex gives them the titles.

Rating: D-. Well so much for the Filthy Animals, as they’ve gone from Russo’s favorite toy to seemingly about to split in the span of about a month. I can’t say I’m complaining though as they were one of the most annoying acts I’ve ever seen. The wrestling was fine but my goodness their talking got old fast.

Kidman goes after Eddie, but Heenan points out the correct observation: they were just talking and laughing a bit. Nothing implied that something was going on.

Goldberg and Hart aren’t sure how to deal with the Outsiders and Jarrett in the same night. Goldberg says he’ll fight the Outsiders on his own and Bret can go after Jarrett. It won’t necessarily be a handicap match either.

Skye can’t talk Spice out of fighting Tygress tonight.

With the piano music still playing, Hennig and Buff agree that there are no hard feelings about the whole forcing Curt into retirement thing.

Here’s Hardcore Champion Norman Smiley. He’s the REAL hardcore man around here. When you look up the definition of hardcore in the dictionary, you see his tough mug. This morning, he drank a glass of milk that was TWO DAYS PAST EXPIRATION! It’s open challenge time and here’s Fit Finlay to scare the milk out of Norman. He kicks Smiley low and puts on his football helmet for a headbutt. The Regal Roll leaves Smiley laying despite being the funniest guy in the company in a long time.

The announcers recap the show thus far.

Liz can’t talk Luger out of putting her in this match. Maestro is still playing and has barely been acknowledged all night.

Hall thinks he’s figured out Goldberg’s plan. He can’t confirm it, but it might involve spears and Jackhammers.

Chavo Guerrero is selling the Mamalukes some gold chains when Disco comes in, freaks out, and leaves.

Tenay tells Jarrett that he has a match with Bret coming up tonight so Jarrett throws him out. Well, he’s got the jerk role down.

Evan Karagias vs. Saturn

Non-title. Evan stops to kiss Madusa at the start and gets suplexed out of his shoes for his efforts. The Death Valley Driver is countered into a sunset flip for two as we have a hippie coming over to commentary. It’s Brad Armstrong in yet another new gimmick called Buzzkill (Heenan: “How do you do Mr. Kill?”) because he needs a personality. Saturn throws Evan again and puts on the Rings of Saturn for the quick win. Some champion.

Kidman yells about Eddie going beyond Filthy Animal business and wants a match with him later tonight. That could be good.

Eddie reads off a cue card (some of the most obvious I’ve ever seen) about Kidman not understanding what’s going on and proving it in the ring tonight.

Vampiro vs. The Wall

Ferrara and Williams come out for commentary. Well one of them anyway. Vampiro slugs away to start and knocks Wall to the floor but the big man kicks him in the ribs to take over. You can imagine what Ferrara is talking about. The Misfits help their buddy out but Wall shrugs it off and beats on Vampiro inside. Vampiro’s kicks put him down but Berlyn comes in with a chair for the DQ.

Wall isn’t pleased and the Germans come to blows, breaking up the long standing partnership after all of two months. After they leave, Williams beats up the Misfits but eats a spinning kick to the face from Vampiro.

Liz jumps inside a shark cage because they just have one around.

A limo arrives.

WCW World Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Bret Hart

Jeff is wearing the title after stealing it earlier in the night. Of course this main events the first hour instead of the entire show. Bret slugs away to start and takes Jeff into the corner for right hands and a boot choke. Outside now with Jeff going into the barricade before they head inside where Bret gets crotched on the top rope. Back to the floor again as they can’t make up their mind. Jeff slams him head first onto the announcers’ table as this wrestling thing just doesn’t do it for either guy these days.

They get back inside for a sleeper on the champ but he suplexes his way out to put both guys down. The Five Moves get some near falls and Jeff gets the same off a middle rope clothesline. Jeff kicks him to the floor and Creative Control swarms Bret, drawing in Dustin Rhodes to clock Jarrett with the title. Bret didn’t see a thing and covers to retain.

Rating: D+. I really wasn’t feeling this one as they were all over the place out there and brawling instead of wrestling like these two could do in their sleep. But then again, why should either of them care at this point? Bret’s heart clearly isn’t in it and they’ve wasted him this long, so why should be believe it’s going to get any better?

The Mamalukes come up to the Maestro, who has the former Ryan Shamrock next to him, and ask for some Sinatra. Karaoke is performed in one of the only times all night that Maestro has been acknowledged.

Luger is trying to get Liz to come out of the cage. This girls in cages idea has to be some Russo fetish. She finally gives it up but Luger says the match is still on. Eh points for making him even more evil. On the other hand, points taken away for leaving her locked inside the cage and saying he’ll put it in the ring. After a break, Liz tries to get Sting to help her but he says to lay in the cage she’s made.

Kidman vs. Eddie Guerrero

Torrie is in a blue swimsuit top and matching blue pants with her hair tied back. You can imagine the reactions. Why she changed since we saw her with Eddie earlier isn’t clear. Konnan comes out with Eddie but Kidman dives over the top to take Eddie down before the bell. They head in for the first time with Eddie getting hammered in the corner. That goes as far as it can so Guerrero suplexes Kidman over the top and out to the floor in a big crash.

After a whip to the barricade, Eddie takes him back inside for some knees to the ribs. The camera keeps focusing on Torrie and throwing the announcers off. I can cut them some slack on this one. Kidman gets hit low trying a leapfrog and the match slows down quite a bit. The Revolution comes out to jump Konnan to pick things up and because that feud just won’t die. The distraction lets Kidman come back with right hands to Eddie, setting up the Shooting Star but Torrie asks him for help, allowing Eddie to superplex him down and nail the Frog Splash for the pin.

Rating: C. That wasn’t bad but I could go for anything but the Revolution vs. Filthy Animals going forward. Hopefully this leads to the Animals breaking up though as I can’t take much more of their stupid catchphrases and slang that makes no sense. Or the whole being thieves that I’m supposed to cheer.

Creative Control is asked which is Patrick and both point to the other. Quick one line jokes are Russo’s strong suit. Their next assignments are to find Duggan (“Big goof, one kidney”) and find out who is in the limo.

Skye asks Spice not to fight tonight but Spice has to do what a girl has to do.

Meng vs. Elizabeth

Liz, still in the shark cage, is brought in on a forklift. Meng of course attacks the cage but can’t break through. Luger offers him the key and gets put in the Tongan Death Grip as a result, drawing out Sting with the bat to lay out the monster. He unlocks Liz and they leave after a non-match. Or did Meng win by DQ?

Jim Duggan asks Maestro to play Chopsticks.

Lash Leroux vs. Disco Inferno

Disco is so scared of the mob guys that he doesn’t even dance and starts the match quickly. They trade hammerlocks and armdrags to start as Disco keeps looking over his shoulder. Cue the mob guys to scare Disco even more, but Johnny accidentally trips Lash, allowing Disco to take over. Disco stomps away but Lash pops back up with a sunset flip and Whiplash for the pin.

The mob comes in to stomp Disco, only to have Lash make the save. Marinara tries to come in but gets put to sleep and thrown into a white body bag.

Creative Control tries to see inside the limo to no avail. After a break, the twins say they have nothing to do with the limo’s car alarm going off. It should be their limo though since they’re the champs now.

The Powers yell at Duggan for messing up the bathroom last week, so Russo has been eating prunes all day. Duggan gets to clean the toilet with a toothbrush.

Tygress vs. Spice

Let’s get this over with. Spice is dressed as a schoolgirl and Tygress is in a leopard print body suit. Tygress easily takes her down and the fans are dead. Back up and Spice hits a kind of running tackle and we’re in catfight mode. A snapmare puts Tygress down and the announcers of course freak. Cue Skye (Stacy, in a leather skirt that might be nine inches long) with a makeup bag to knock Spice out.

Skye and Tygress put makeup on Spice. I can’t imagine this story continuing.

We go to the back to talk to…..MENG? As the Maestro keeps laying just because, Meng speaks (!), saying he wants Sting in a No DQ match tonight with Sting using the bat. So Meng is ok with someone hitting him in the head with a bat. Why would you EVER take him up on that? I know Sting is stupid but my goodness. Speaking of my goodness, MENG DOES NOT TALK. This is just a step below WWE ECW having Sabu speak. You just don’t do it.

Here’s Hennig for his big farewell. After a hug to Heenan, Curt can barely speak. He keeps trying but a PERFECT chant cuts him off and he leaves with tears in his eyes.

We see the limo again.

Duggan finds Russo’s toothbrush and cleans the toilet with it. You know this is coming back later.

Cue Roddy Piper of all people for the first time in about four months. He rips into writers, ranting about how they put in all these women and T&A and having a bunch of stupid entrances. This is actually exactly what you would expect him to say. The mic is quickly cut off, so Piper grabs a camera guy and takes him to the back to meet with the Powers That Be.

After kicking the door in, Piper is stunned to see Russo (well, despite them flat out saying it was Russo since he debuted, how could Piper know? Did he really expect there to be a body there instead of just an arm?) and tells the boss that he has a contract, guaranteeing that he appears on TV. Russo says Piper has a bad hip and is almost 50 so he needs to go join Ric and Hulk in Florida. Piper can be on TV though, but it’s going to be as a referee. Piper fumes about it, then walks to his limo saying “Yes sir” over and over. Somehow, this fits him perfectly.

Buff Bagwell vs. Booker T.

Booker gets taken down by a nice armdrag to start and it’s time to dance. They lock up and Creative Control is out before we can even get a minute into the match. Buff clotheslines him down and they head to the floor for….nothing. Ok then. Back in and Booker nails the kicks and the Spinarooni, only to have to nail one of the twins instead of covering. The distraction lets Buff nail a Blockbuster, but the other twin distracts the referee so the first can stomp Bagwell. Cue Hennig to talk to the twins….and then stomp Bagwell. One of the twins covers Buff and the bell rings because of whatever their reason is this week.

Rating: D. So Hennig spent weeks getting beaten up by whoever Russo threw at him and then joined them anyway. I’m so glad we’ve moved past that NWO era and are now getting the same thing from a yet to be named group led by the Powers That Be. Is there any team Hennig hasn’t joined since he’s been in WCW?

Midnight comes out for the save.

The Powers welcome Hennig to the team. If you can’t beat em, join em you see, even though he won several of the matches.

Liz offers to manage Sting against Meng tonight.

Asya vs. Madusa

This could be gloriously horrible. They’re already fighting on the floor before the bell finishes ringing. Asya drives her into the barricade but Madusa gets in some kicks to the ribs. Back in (assuming they were in there in the first place) with Madusa lifting her up in an electric chair before firing off even more kicks. Asya slams her off the top and puts on a leg choke for the submission while Saturn beats up Karagias on general principle.

Malenko doesn’t like seeing Canadians fighting for an American prize. Tonight he’s going to show Benoit how much he cares about Canada with a blowtorch. The anthem is changing from O Canada to BURN CANADA BURN. This is going to hurt isn’t it?

Chris Benoit vs. Dean Malenko

Double flag match, which is close enough to a pole match that I’m considering it one. Benoit pulls Dean’s hockey jersey over his face hockey style, setting up some knees to the ribs. The fans of course chant USA. I have no idea which flag they need to pull down and Heenan is too busy making hockey jokes. Benoit heads outside and grabs…..gasoline. Oh geez this isn’t ending well is it?

Malenko saves himself from being set on fire (just go with it) with a low blow but Benoit chops him in the corner. Is that like a Canadian defense mechanism or something? Benoit stops Dean from getting the Canadian flag and puts him in the Tree of Woe for a good looking baseball slide. He whips Malenko in but Dean drops to his knees to beg for mercy. Oh come on now. Thankfully Benoit dropkicks him in the face, only to be sent throat first into the bottom rope, allowing Malenko to get the Canadian flag for the win. Tony makes it even worse by saying you had to get your own flag but I really can’t bring myself to care.

Rating: D. This wasn’t much of a match but Benoit’s dropkicks looked good. It’s just so depressing watching Malenko have to put up with this nonsense which he clearly hates doing. At least it was fast though and it’s a sad day when you have to say that about a Malenko vs. Benoit match.

The Revolution comes in with a barrel and throw in the Canadian flag. That’s not enough though as they throw in the American one as well, but thankfully Bret runs in for the save. He hands Benoit the Canadian flag and waves the American one because why not. See, this is where the Revolution dies right in front of you. Russo seemed to think they were paramilitary or something similar so that’s what we’re getting: people who hate Canada and the US as well. I’m not sure how we got here from guys tired of the older generation hogging the main event and honestly, I’m not sure I want to know because it might scare me.

The Powers call Juventud Guerrera into their office to ask about an expired work visa. Juvy offers the Powers some tequila and Russo spits it out. He’d like his toothbrush please (you knew it was coming), despite clearly just being an arm with a voicebox attached.

Meng vs. Sting

No DQ and Sting is in a t-shirt again. Meng goes right after him to start, possibly worried that the poly/cotton blend might chafe Sting’s toned chest. Liz comes out to watch as Sting finally gets out of the jacket, revealing leather pants. Huh? Sting avoids an elbow but turns down Liz’s offer of the mace can. The Stinger Splash has Meng in trouble but here’s Luger. Sting grabs him, possibly to ask for hair tips, setting up the Tongan Death Grip to give Meng the win, which I’m sure is totally leading somewhere right?

Liz checks on Sting post match.

Nash shouts for someone to come on….but Hall is in the other direction. I don’t see this ending well.

Goldberg asks his partner if he’s ready.

David Flair FINALLY breaks up Maestro’s piano with the crowbar, probably turning into one of the biggest faces in the promotion as a result. Well assuming the fans can actually see these segments.

Outsiders vs. Goldberg/???

Nash gets to wear the TV Title, which you would think is way beneath him. Somehow this is the first time Tony explains that Hall is the US and TV Champion. You would think that would have been brought up earlier in the night, but we had piano issues to discuss. Now the stupid/shocking move here would be to go with Sid as Goldberg’s partner in an act of respect for all the hard fou…..oh of course it’s Sid so I’m not even bothering with the sarcasm here. They’re acting like best friends now of course and don’t have the slightest bit of animosity.

Hall and Goldberg get things going but Scott throws the toothpick at Sid to draw him in. The referee actually does his job for once and it’s off to Sid. Hall is casually shoved across the ring and Sid does it again for good measure. Tony tries to pass this off as a big respect thing but it’s just not working.

The Outsiders have to fight out of a double chokeslam attempt and it’s off to Nash for some big right hands. A running boot to the face drops Nash though and it’s time for the Starrcade rematch. Nash gets put with a superkick and I can’t believe this has held together so long. Some good old fashioned cheating gives the Outsiders a breather but Goldberg just plants Scott with a powerslam. Another cheap shot slows Goldberg down so Sid hits one of his own (with the bandaged arm) on Hall to even things out.

Nash comes in for the standard corner offensive package and it’s back to Hall for a front facelock. Old school missed tag to Sid gets us nowhere so Goldberg clotheslines both Outsiders at the same time. Sid comes in to clean house and chokeslams Hall, followed by a big spear. The powerbomb connects but Nash sneaks in while the referee is with Goldberg and drops an elbow (just a regular elbow) on Sid to give Hall the fluke pin.

Rating: D+. This was……shockingly watchable actually. The cheating end was as tame an ending to a Russo main event as there has been yet and this was a really by the book, standard tag formula power match. I mean, it wasn’t anything good but for a TV main event in this era to actually be calm and follow the rules is stunning.

Goldberg and Nash fight until security pulls them apart to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. It’s a slightly better show this week with a few less things to get annoyed at, but the Maestro thing got annoying in a hurry. I’m still trying to get over that main event though as it was a totally calm and rational match without a bunch of insanity throughout. It’s nice that they’re focusing on Starrcade already but the stuff in the middle is going to hurt them in the long run. I mean, do we need to see the Revolution trying to burn flags or the Hennig nonsense? It’s also annoying that Luger and Sting have one of the most logical stories on the roster while everyone else is a mess. Fix that and the show will improve.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Mayhem 1999
Date: November 21, 1999
Location: Air Canada Center, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Attendance: 13,839
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

It’s tournament time with the final four participants in the World Title tournament squaring off to find out who Russo has decided should be his first World Heavyweight Champion. Other than that, we have a bunch of stupid gimmick matches for stories that make next to no sense and are likely there to make fun of the WWF and expose the business as much as possible. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the tournament, which for some reason had 32 people involved (or however many it was when you take out all of the Madusas) and we hear about how the final four got here. Just so you know what’s going on, they recap EVERY SINGLE MATCH before they get to the important ones. Two and a half minutes into the recap, we know the final four names.

Opening video. Wait that wasn’t what we just watched?

The announcers, with Tony in a snazzy suit, preview the show and try to talk over the WE WANT FLAIR chants. I think this is the first time we hear the card in full.

WCW World Title Tournamet Semi-Finals: Jeff Jarrett vs. Chris Benoit

Guess who the fans are behind here. Jeff tries to jump Benoit from the bell but gets chopped into the corner for a tornado DDT for two. A top rope superplex gets two for Benoit less than two minutes in as he’s coming out swinging here. He misses a baseball slide but wins a quick chop off on the floor. That earns him a crotching against the post as the American takes over.

Back in and Jeff gets two off a powerslam (that’s a rare one for him) and almost drops him in a vertical suplex. There’s the sleeper as you can see fans posing to see themselves on the big screen. Normally I would say watch what you paid for, but I’d be stunned if a good chunk of that arena wasn’t papered. Benoit reverses into a sleeper of his own but Jeff belly to backs his way to freedom. Something like an Irish Curse (I won’t bother saying “Canadian Curse?” as it’s WAY too easy of a joke) sets up the Rolling Germans for two on Jeff and here are Creative Control to prevent a good match from breaking out.

Jarrett hot shots him to the floor but Benoit comes back in and rolls through a high cross body for two. A belly to back sets up the Swan Dive but Creative Control breaks it up and lays out Benoit, allowing Jarrett to hit the Stroke. Cue Dustin Rhodes to fight Creative Control as Benoit kicks out at two. The guitar is brought in but Benoit takes it away and blasts Jeff (totally against his character of course) to go to the finals.

Rating: B-. Dang it they almost had me there for a second. I almost thought we were going to get a good match from beginning to end between two talented guys who can work whatever kind of match you ask. But alas, it took three run-ins and a weapon to make this REALLY interesting. It was nice while it lasted though.

Benoit gets beaten down post match and the fans think Jarrett, who isn’t even involved in the show at this point but he used to be in the WWF and therefore matters, sucks.

Disco Inferno insists he cares about the title but is curious how much the gold is worth. He’s bet $25,000 on himself tonight because there’s NO WAY he could lose to Karagias. Jarrett and Creative Control lays him out due to frustration.

Cruiserweight Title: Evan Karagias vs. Disco Inferno

Disco is defending but is also running from gambling bosses who want the money he owes them. The banged up champion has Tony Marinara in his corner but Evan jumps Disco in the aisle, but the referee starts the match anyway. The bell rings and they get inside with Evan getting two off a clothesline. Marinara joins commentary to ask why Heenan is called the Brain. Heenan goes to answer but fugitaboutit. He’s Italian you see. Disco fights back but Evan does some leapfrogs into a dropkick for two. Feel the workrate baby!

A springboard twisting cross body gets two on the champ as the fans have died quite a bit since the opener. Imagine that. The announcers discuss what Schiavone is paid before talking about haircuts. Madusa offers a distraction and we get an awkward, mostly messed up sequence into a rollup from Evan for two. A nice Russian legsweep plants Karagias and the dancing elbow (complete with a kiss to Madusa) gets the same.

Disco throws him to the floor, unfortunately causing Madusa to walk towards the camera. Back in and Evan’s splash hits knees as the fans are REALLY not impressed. With Evan down, Disco goes outside to hit on Madusa. That goes as well as you would expect so Marinara gets leaves the booth to try his hand with Madusa. Evan goes after Tony, who gets chaired in the head by Disco. Tony: “What else can go wrong?” Oh you don’t want to ask that Schiavone. Evan hits a high cross body for the pin and the title, plus $25,000. That makes no sense but whatever.

Rating: D+. Here’s the problem: these matches aren’t cruiserweight style matches. They’re matches that happen to have cruiserweights involved. Evan wrestles a cruiserweight style but he’s just not very good at it. The gambling story is interesting but as usual there’s too much going on in the same match to keep track of it. It didn’t help that Marinara’s HORRIBLE Italian stereotype made the commentary even more horrible.

Bret Hart arrives half an hour into the show.

Russo tells a bloody Jarrett to prove himself by the end of the show or his favors are over.

Norman Smiley is scared of construction workers but is ready for the Hardcore Title match. Well he’s in luck then.

Hardcore Title: Norman Smiley vs. Brian Knobbs

The title is vacant coming in and I believe this is for the inaugural championship. I’ve seen this billed as a tournament final but I don’t remember anything but Knobbs getting to face the winner of a match. Norman comes out in Maple Leafs gear to keep the fans behind him. Brian hammers him down with whatever weapons he could find to start but misses a middle rope trashcan shot. Some hockey sticks onto the trashcan onto Knobbs has Brian in trouble but he breaks up the HARDCORE WIGGLE. That’s like the Big Wiggle, but HARDCORE. What’s HARDCORE about it isn’t clear but it’s 1999 so you have to say HARDCORE in a loud voice.

Knobbs finally has a good idea and takes off some of Norman’s pads, only to get nailed in the head with a trashcan lid. Norman goes after Jimmy Hart though, allowing Brian to knocks Smiley into the cart full of weapons. They stagger backstage and just happen to run into a waiting camera crew.

Knobbs sends him through a table and breaks a crutch over Norman’s back. They fight by the hamburger buns and Knobbs’ face is RED. Jimmy throws cans of soup at Norman and this is finally getting to be kind of entertaining. They fight into an elevator and the doors close…..but unfortunately open again with Jimmy hitting Brian with a trashcan by mistake to give Norman the pin and the loudest pop of his career.

Rating: C-. See, the way to make the hardcore matches entertaining is to take them out of the ringside area. These things are so much better when they get creative with them instead of just doing the same weapons spots over and over again. I mean, would you want to try to make something out of Brian Knobbs without mixing things up a bit?

Knobbs beats Norman up post match.

We recap the Revolution vs. the Filthy Animals, which is built around kidnapping Torrie Wilson. This story made little secret about it being a way to showcase Torrie, which was one of the best ideas they could have had here.

The Revolution wants to see Torrie get stuck alone without help.

The Animals speak whatever language they use. In a genuinely funny moment, Gene stares at Konnan, so Konnan asks if it’s the hat or the belt this time. Gene in a deadpan voice: “Hat.” Torrie is going to use the Revolution as toothpicks or something.

Marinara is bringing the boys to deal with Disco tomorrow. Disco thinks he’s a dead man.

Jarrett has a 2×4 and is going to deal with someone. That would be the fourth promo segment in 90 seconds on a pay per view.

Revolution vs. Filthy Animals

It’s Saturn/Malenko/Asya vs. Guerrero/Kidman/Torrie and this is elimination rules. Kidman and Guerrero storm the ring to start fast as Douglas sits in on commentary. That’s a very repetitive theme for WCW these days. Eddie backdrops Dean to officially start and the fans chant for Torrie. The guys fall to the floor so Saturn takes both of them out with an Asai Moonsault.

Kidman dives on all of them but a Canadian clown pokes Malenko with a Canadian flag. They treat it like a real fan but you never can tell around here. The girls go at it with Asya getting the better of it but walking into a BK Bomb. Eddie checks on Torrie but shoves Kidman into a rollup for the elimination. After about four seconds of the Revolution’s theme music plays, the Revolution guys jump Eddie and the Animals are in trouble. Saturn kicks Eddie in the back from the apron as Konnan leaves as well. Some teammate.

Asya suplexes Eddie for a round of applause, even though she would be an appetizer for Chyna. Off to Dean who gets dropkicked into the corner, setting up a hurricanrana from Eddie for the elimination. Not quite Hostile City Showdown but that might be entertaining. Saturn t-bones Guerrero down as Torrie is on the floor like a manager due to a bad ankle injury. Heel miscommunication (another running theme tonight) sees Saturn superkick Asya, setting up the Frog Splash to make it 2-1.

It’s Saturn with a northern lights suplex for two as you can see a “Who booked this crap” sign in the front row. Eddie gets out of a sleeper with a jawbreaker and puts on one of his own, only to get tossed down by a belly to back (not a t-bone Tony). A tornado DDT gets two for Eddie but he walks into the Death Valley Driver for a near fall, sending Douglas into a panic. Saturn misses his great looking top rope elbow but rolls through a high cross body into the Rings of Saturn to make Eddie give up. So it’s Saturn vs. Torrie with the girl kicking him low for two. Douglas low blows Torrie with his cast to give Saturn the pin.

Rating: C. This was decent due to the talent in there and Torrie in general but there wasn’t much of chance with how fast the eliminations went down. What was the point of the eliminations anyway? Other than having an unnecessary stipulation, I don’t know why they needed to put it out there. Couldn’t they put Torrie on a pole or something?

Jarrett and Creative Control lays out Bagwell, even though that would be hurting his chances to get rid of Hennig, even though the Powers That Be seem to want to get rid of Bagwell at the same time.

Curt Hennig vs. Buff Bagwell

Loser retires, which makes you wonder why the Powers That Be didn’t give Hennig this stipulation from the start. Or why Buff is in this stipulation at all. Creative Control and Jarrett come in to beat down Hennig and the bell rings as the attack begins. Bagwell comes out with the 2×4 to make the save but Hennig decks him anyway because both of their careers are on the line. The fans chant PERFECT as he takes it to the floor and walks Bagwell around ringside.

Hennig gets in a rant that I couldn’t understand on the headset before they head back inside. Buff knocks him right back to the floor for an ax handle off the apron. Back inside with Buff in control, which Tony interprets as being all Hennig. Curt takes over a few seconds later with a legdrop between Buff’s legs for a smattering of applause. Off to a sleeper (I believe the fifth of the night) before Hennig chokes Buff with Buff’s necklace. That goes nowhere so it’s right back to the sleeper.

An elbow drop with a biceps flex gets two for Curt but Buff claims gimmick infringement and takes control as a penalty. Heenan tries to say this is the most important match of their careers and you can tell he doesn’t believe a word of it. A Blockbuster out of nowhere (seriously, they were just trading punches before it hit) makes Hennig retire. They keep using the term “hang up his boots”, which he’ll probably do literally before taking a pair from the Powers and turning heel.

Rating: D-. I have no idea what happened in this story and it was clear that they just gave up trying about three minutes in. I’m still not sure how we got to this match and why the Powers want to get rid of either guy, but the match was horrible most of the way around. Bad stuff and why do I not believe Hennig is really gone?

Hennig gets a standing ovation from the respectful crowd.

Sting says we may be in Canada but it’s still Showtime.

To give you an idea of Russo’s pace, we’re not even halfway through this show and we have seven matches left. For a comparison, Wrestlemania XXX and XXXI had seven matches total.

WCW World Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Sting vs. Bret Hart

Recent DVD releases suggest that Bret is really proud of this one. Sting has already started wrestling in the t-shirt. They shove each other around to start and stare each other in the face before Bret wins a slugout. Tony: “Those have authority!” Something I’ve always wondered: whose authority is that?

It goes outside with Bret still in control before taking it back inside for the Five Moves of Doom. Sting, having seen ANY Bret match ever, is easily able to break them up. Yes, Sting was actually smart. It’s shocking I know but it does happen occasionally. Sting sends him into the buckle but Bret kicks him in the ribs. I guess his horrible knee injury from a few weeks ago is just fine now. A low blow from Sting (who seemed to have turned face again recently) puts Bret down and we hit sleeper number 8 or so tonight.

Back outside for some reason with being sent into the announcers’ table. The Stinger Splash hits the table (at least it wasn’t the barricade again) to change control and they head back inside. Sting pulls the referee in the way of a top rope forearm because we need to get to the interference. As luck would have it, here are Luger and Liz with the former hitting Sting in the knee with the bat.

Bret isn’t cool with that and puts Lex in the Sharpshooter, but that’s a DQ win for Hart. He doesn’t want it that way though so he goes through the Five Moves, gets kicked in the face, and counters the Scorpion into the Sharpshooter to make Sting tap. Again, Russo has no idea how his characters work.

Rating: D+. That’s what he was proud of? It was decent enough but as usual it turned into a brawl instead because neither guy seemed interested in doing a match. They need to pick a side for Sting, but NOT ONE THAT TAPS OUT. Just totally against his character but why should that matter to Russo? I mean, he’s just a wrestler. Interesting coincidence here: the two semi-final matches had exactly the same time at 9:27 each.

Sting shakes Bret’s hand to turn face again I guess.

Benoit says it would be an honor to beat Hart for the title in Canada.

Luger already has a surgical collar on and doesn’t think he can compete tonight against Meng.

Vampiro vs. Berlyn

Dog Collar match just because. You win by pins or submission. In case this isn’t enough, Dr. Death and Ferrara as JR come out with the latter doing commentary. Berlyn hits the referee with the collar as Ferrara lists off football stats. The Misfits are sent to the floor as Wall beats up Vampiro. Wall misses a big boot and gets crotched with the chain as Berlyn stomps on Jerry Only outside. That doesn’t hurt Wall’s bricks though so Vampiro slams him down.

Berlyn comes back in and stomps Vampiro down, only to have Wall put the collar around his own neck. A HUGE chokeslam puts Vampiro down and Wall covers for two. That angers Berlyn but the referee keeps counting anyway. Wall, minus the sunglasses now, throws the collar at Berlyn (Ferrara: “COLLAR! COLLAR! COLLAR!”) and walks away. Vampiro hits a spinwheel kick and throws him down with a release superplex. Now Only gets in for a double suplex, followed by a Vampiro camel clutch with the chain to make Berlyn tap. Vampiro and Berlyn were never attached by the chain.

Rating: F. Next. That’s all I’ve got. Next.

Williams beats up Vampiro and Only, because this whole mess was there so we could have a laugh at JR’s expense. It wasn’t a funny laugh but it was indeed a laugh.

Rick Steiner has forfeited the TV Title and, news to me, was scheduled to defend against Scott Hall tonight. Therefore Hall is now a double champion and issues an open challenge for both titles tonight.

Hennig leaves.

Kimberly is just getting here.

Meng vs. Total Package

Luger is wrestling in the surgical collar. Meng hammers on him to start and no sells a slam. That takes them to the floor with Meng dominating, but Tony thinks the neck brace is a way to block the Tongan Death Grip. And yes, that is EXACTLY the point of the thing. Back in and Meng tries the Death Grip to no avail. Meng chokes in the corner (should that work either?) and Luger screams for help. Luger: “HELP!” See? He screamed for help.

Luger tries a headbutt to about as much avail as you would expect and Meng runs him over a few more times. A kick to the face gets two and Meng chokes on the ropes, only to pull Luger up so Liz maces Luger by mistake (same deal that started the feud). Meng takes off the brace and puts on the Death Grip to win.

Rating: D-. A month ago Luger went over Bret on pay per view and now he’s jobbing to Meng in five minutes. This was a one idea match and it made Meng out to be a one move wrestler. I could have seen this sort of thing on Thunder but instead we get it late in the second hour of a pay per view. Only in Russo World. Also only in Russo World can Liz play Jimmy Hart to Luger’s Brian Knobbs and Meng’s Norman Smiley as it’s basically the exact same ending from an hour ago.

Bret says he’s been here for two years and is going to win the title he deserves. Luger can be heard shouting for Liz as he’s talking.

David Flair is polishing his crowbar in anticipation of holding Kimberly down against her will or making her scream that she can’t take it anymore.

TV Title/US Title: Scott Hall vs. ???

After the survey, with Hall saying Nash is on his way, the open challenge is answered by…..Booker T. Well he does deserve a big spot like this. If nothing else, Booker is the second young guy to get a shot at a main event star tonight. Ignore the commentators’ surprise after his music came on for a second and then went back off. Hall is insanely over because this is Canada and if you were over in the WWF, you were over forever. For life you might say.

Hall drives the shoulders in to start but Booker hook kicks him for two and some booing. A forearm puts Hall on the floor and he has to check for loose teeth. Back in and the chokeslam and fall away slam have Booker in trouble and a clothesline puts him on the floor. Hall puts on a sleeper and we’ve got Jarrett plus Creative Control. Tony makes sure to point out that they’re Patrick and Gerald because that’s so funny. Booker fights out and kicks both twins down but gets caught in the Outsider’s Edge to retain the titles.

Rating: D. It’s a shame too as this could have been a good match had they just let these guys fight. In theory this is just Booker getting screwed by the Powers and not Hall being on their side, unless there’s some grand scheme to get all the titles on a select group of Russo backed wrestlers. Nah that couldn’t happen.

Midnight comes out for the save.

Luger is still trying to find Liz.

We recap David Flair vs. Kimberly. So Kimberly tried to get David to sleep with her for reasons not clear, but she wound up sleeping with Ric instead. That sent David into insanity so she ran him over with a car. He was crazy enough to no sell it and has turned into a B-movie stalker ever since. Note that instead of Ric vs. Page in what could be a decent match, this is the best we can get.

Kimberly vs. David Flair

After running scared of David for weeks, Kimberly comes out in leather pants and a low cut backless top with a smirk on her face (she looks great in other words). David no sells a low blow and shoves the referee down, so Kimberly drops to her knees. You know what the fans are chanting. She unbuckles his pants and takes out the cup he was wearing before getting in some kicks as the fans turn on this mess. David stands up so here are Kanyon and Page (Why was he not with his wife all night???) to lay out Flair. Arn Anderson comes out to save David and gets beaten up by the tire iron. That’s the, ahem, match.

Anderson is taken out on a stretcher.

We recap the Goldberg vs. Sid rematch from last month where the match was stopped due to Sid’s excessive bleeding. Sid has kind of turned face since then so this should be interesting. Horrible of course but interesting.

Sid says he won’t say he quits.

Goldberg vs. Sid Vicious

I Quit match. The fans boo Goldberg to start and then INSTANTLY start chanting his name. That’s one fickle group. They start slugging it out before Goldberg even gets in the ring as Heenan says this is like the Super Bowl or the World Series. It heads to the floor immediately and the fans think Goldberg sucks. Back in and Sid’s cobra clutch slam gets a nice reaction. He slowly chokes and rips at Goldberg’s face and plants him with a pair of chokeslams.

Goldberg pops back up and cranks on the arm before picking him up and clotheslining him down a few times without letting go of the bad arm. The fans boo this out of the building as Goldberg puts on a horrible cobra clutch (Goldberg: “This is it.”) for the win with Sid passing out. Well having Goldberg’s hand on your forehead and holding your hand is indeed painful looking.

Rating: F-. This was supposed to be Hart vs. Austin, but that was four times longer than this, had two competent wrestlers, and a ton of emotion. Oh and that whole iconic image thing. Instead, as usual with Russo, they tried to get to the ending without putting in the effort first and it looks like a disaster instead of what they were going for.

Luger says Liz knows she screwed up and he’ll find her.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Chris Benoit

Feeling out process to start until Bret takes him down in an armbar. A headlock puts Bret down for one and they hit a pinfall reversal sequence, capped off by a Crossface attempt to send Bret into the ropes. The fans are WAY into this one as they know one of their heroes is coming out champion.

Benoit gets sent to the floor and the Canadian Clown from earlier jumps the barricade to attack him with the flag. It’s Dean Malenko in something else he probably hated doing. Bret chases him off and piledrives Benoit for two. A belly to back gets two on Hart and both guys are already beaten down. The tombstone and Swan Dive get two more as we have Outsiders (late to break up the pin so Bret had to make an awkward kickout).

They nail the referee so Goldberg comes out to deal with them. That earns him a chair to the back but Bret helps fight them off as we’re left with Benoit vs. Goldberg in the ring. A new referee comes out as Goldberg fights the Outsiders on the stage. The screen splits to show the three of them fighting in the back while the WORLD TITLE is being decided in the ring. Benoit goes after the leg but the Figure Four sends Bret right to the ropes.

With the knee suddenly fine again, Bret scores with a backbreaker followed by a superplex. Bret starts in on the back and throws Benoit to the floor, where Benoit is pelted with trash. Back in and Chris rolls some Germans but can’t get the Crossface. Instead Bret sweeps the legs and puts on the Sharpshooter for the submission and the title.

Rating: B. Well that was…..well it was something. It’s the best wrestling match in the Russo Era so far, but that’s covering some very shallow ground. The ending being clean helps this a lot and gave it the legitimacy it was needing. However, this brings up the same question that comes up every night: what was the need for the interference? What did those three coming to the ring add to this match in the slightest? They even threw in a split screen to make sure you knew they weren’t doing anything important. Bret winning the title is a good thing, though it should have been a year ago at the latest.

Bret’s family comes in to celebrate and he hugs Benoit. Tony says this is just another day in Bret’s career to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. The opener and main events carry this as far as they can but the rest drags it down through the floor, the concrete and the upper half of the earth’s mantle. Way too much interference and nonsense throughout the show cripples it as the stuff they have ranges from not making sense to being there just to pad out the show in the place of wrestling. It’s clear that they have no idea what they’re doing on a wrestling show and somehow it’s only going to get worse. The wrestlers are trying where they can, but they’re fighting a guerrilla war against people that hate what they do and why they’re there.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #214
Date: November 15, 1999
Location: Barton Coliseum, Little Rock, Arkansas
Attendance: 10,435
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

It’s the go home show for Mayhem so tonight we get the tournament down to the final four. The big question this week though is what genre of direct to video movie are we getting? Last week it was thriller with Kimberly vs. David Flair, mixed in with the comedy of Kevin Nash as the Grand Wizard. Heaven help me but let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

There’s a cage over the ring. Of course there is.

Norman Smiley vs. Jimmy Hart

Hardcore, meaning Smiley comes out in football pads and Jimmy in…..a suit of armor. Well that’s kind of Genius of him. Jimmy brings in some weapons and actually doesn’t die at first because Norman can’t see through his helmet. The weapons shots have no effect on Hart so Norman just takes him down by the legs. Hart comes back with some powder to the face and Norman has to take the helmet off to cry.

The fans loudly chant NORMAN, but I’m sure that’s just because of the weapons and not the effort or comedic skills he’s displaying right? Jimmy gets in some weapons shots but Norman gets up, drawing out Knobbs with a chair to the head. Brian loads up a table but Jimmy misses a dive through it, giving Norman the easy pin.

Rating: D+. This is one of those matches where the guys tried and were having fun, but they firmly hit the roof of what they were capable of doing. It doesn’t help that this is to set up the epic showdown between Knobbs and Smiley, when it seems like there’s something entertaining in having Hart as a hardcore guy if you keep him in the armor.

Knobbs beats Smiley down post match.

Here are the tournament brackets.

Bret Hart

Kidman

Total Package

Sting

Chris Benoit

Scott Hall

Buff Bagwell

Jeff Jarrett

If Curt Hennig can beat Goldberg tonight, he gets a new contract. And what stops the Powers That Be from saying he’s fired from that one if he loses?

Kimberly talks to Terry Taylor. Why is she in the building after last week?

Tonight, Nash is dressed like Sid, complete with some pretty good prosthetic makeup. Well at least he isn’t Slick.

AC Jazz is out of the Nitro Girls so Fyre and Tygress jump Spice. Next.

Here are the Outsiders with Nash as Sid, with a chin that is far bigger than the real version. Keeping in mind that Sid is from Arkansas, the fans aren’t thrilled with this. Nash says he rules the world about five times but stops to remind us that he’s stupid. Cue Sid, who has had enough of these two. We get the famous line of “you are only half of the man that I am, and I have half the brains that you do” which has Hall nearly doubled over in laughter. Sid is already in a match tonight, but he wants to get Nash out of retirement on top of that. Nash says no so Sid calls him a shell of his former self and Nash says……nothing.

Tonight, Booker has to face Creative Control, officially named Gerald and Patrick. Why having the Harris Twins have the same names as the Stooges is supposed to be funny isn’t clear but I’m sure Russo gets a chuckle out of it. Booker says Midnight will strike.

Kimberly tries to see the Powers That Be but the Twins stop her.

Post break, Kimberly is in the Powers’ office and Russo puts her in a match with Asya. There’s going to be a special referee.

Nash comes into Russo’s office.

Booker T. vs. Creative Control

Before he can get to the ring, Booker is stopped by Chavo for an Amway pitch. After that comedy spot goes nowhere, Booker goes after we’ll say Patrick but gets whipped into Gerald’s boot. Tony stops talking about the match to say the Powers That Be have rescinded Nash’s retirement stipulation. Tony: “It was a lame angle anyway.” Every show I watch, I understand Cornette’s rantings and ravings just a bit more.

The Twins start double teaming him and take it outside where Booker can only fight one at a time. Back in and Booker manages a dropkick to put both guys down, setting up the ax kick and a missile dropkick for two with Gerald making a save. The H Bomb gets the pin on Booker a few seconds later.

The gong strikes and Midnight appears to knock out both Twins. This is after she got laid out by Jarrett last week so the effect isn’t all there.

Post break, Russo threatens to make Creative Control into bikers again. They’re banished to go find the luchadors and Torrie.

Evan Karagias vs. Johnny Boone

Yes referee Johnny Boone who is wrestling in jeans here. Madusa comes out with Karagias, who gets jumped as the bell rings. Evan easily shoves him back because he’s a referee as Madusa goes to commentary. They slowly go after each other because Boone, while a trained wrestler, isn’t much above average and that leaves Evan Karagias to carry things. Boone gets a boot up in the corner so Madusa rams his face into her cleavage. He’s out cold and Evan gets the easy pin. Keep in mind that Evan is challenging for the Cruiserweight Title this Sunday and this is his big warmup.

Madusa kisses Evan post match.

Russo has a bunch of luchadors in his face and makes them a deal: he’s going to put a $10,000 check inside a pinata and hang it from a pole. As luck would have it, Juvy is carrying a pinata. They’ll all be given a stick to hit each other with too. You can see the lawsuits from here.

Dr. Death Steve Williams and Ed Ferrara as JR show up.

Creative Control keeps looking for Torrie.

Villano V vs. Juventud Guerrera vs. El Dandy vs. Silver King vs. Psychosis

It’s a brawl to start and the pinata falls down fifteen seconds in. King moonsaults onto Dandy as Williams and Ferrara come to ringside. Ferrara gets on commentary and does his JR impression, listing off football stats, telling Tony to speak in soundbytes and shouting PINATA over and over. Juvy gets the pinata (PINATA! PINATA!) but the match just keeps going with the camera on Ferrara. Guerrera does the elbow drop and shakes the pinata as candy flies everywhere. Dr. Death gets in the ring and beats everyone up for the no contest, after almost everyone had the pinata at one point.

Rating: F. Well let’s see. It was a bunch of racial stereotypes, the pinata didn’t last twenty seconds, Juvy didn’t win for no explained reason, the sticks didn’t go anywhere, it was all about Dr. Death cleaning house at the end, and they spent the entire match ripping on JR after ripping on Sid earlier, Grand Wizard last week and Vince the week before. Pick any two of those reasons and you’ll get why this is a failure.

Dr. Death takes the check from King as the bell rings roughly 857 times.

Goldberg doesn’t care about anything.

Nash is back in his usual clothes and says he took some time off when WCW sucked. Now that Hall is back, things are fun again. Well of course it is. He barely has to do anything but comedy and gets a huge check. Pay no attention to the company, and therefore the checks, dying before his eyes.

Goldberg vs. Curt Hennig

Goldberg is coming out of his locker room when Hennig slams the door on his head. Unlike Flair with the WarGames door, Goldberg no sells it and they brawl in the back with Goldberg getting the better of it. They fight to the aisle and the bell rings with Hennig getting knocked to ringside and looking like he’s running scared.

Curt finally gets in some knees to the head as they go inside. The Robinsdale Crunch sets up a stepover toehold for well over a minute, with the referee ignoring Goldberg’s shoulders being down the entire time. Goldberg finally punches him in the face and puts on a leg bar for the submission, meaning Hennig keeps his job.

Rating: D. So Hennig can lose by anything but pin and keep his job. Why would the Powers That Be want to keep him around if he never wins because he keeps submitting or getting counted out? This was another of those mostly hardcore matches which don’t make people care because it doesn’t last five minutes and it’s part of a story that makes no sense.

Kimberly is on the phone with Page when the lights flicker. She panics at the fear of bad writing but Jim Duggan comes up with a flashlight and says the fuses in this place are horrible. I hate to admit it, but this was kind of funny. Ignore the fact that Jim Duggan apparently has a working knowledge of the fuses in an arena in Little Rock, Arkansas.

Creative Control tells the Filthy Animals that they’re fired if they don’t produce Torrie. The Animals heed the threat and go find her. Wait why isn’t she with them in the first place?

Chavo Guerrero sells Duggan some fuses.

Vampiro/Misfits vs. Berlyn/The Wall

The Misfits almost have to be better than the Clowns. The Bodyguard is officially the Wall, which is more punny delight. Three are three Misfits and one is named Jerry Only. Berlyn goes after Vampiro to start and sends him flying with a belly to belly. He misses a dropkick though and it’s off to the Misfits vs. the Wall. The trio is chokeslammed with ease but Vampiro comes in and kicks the Wall in the face.

The fans are way behind Vampiro here but Berlyn kicks him down, setting up a missile dropkick/suplex combo but the Germans argue over the pin. Wall steps aside so Vampiro can hit a quick Nail in the Coffin but Berlyn counters a top rope hurricanrana into a powerbomb. This time it’s Wall breaking up the pin but Vampiro breaks it up, only to eat a chokeslam for the pin.

Rating: D+. Most of that is because Wall hit some good looking chokeslams and the Misfits were little more than cannon fodder. This might have been the most logical match of the Russo Era so far with Berlyn getting annoyed at Wall for taking the glory, even though Berlyn is a waste of a roster spot at this point. Wall looks like someone they could push as someone interesting, meaning he’s doomed from here.

Berlyn whips Vampiro post match.

Torrie has been brought to the Powers’ office and Russo throws her a referee bikini, because “it’s all about the ratings.” Why did he have one of those handy?

TV Title: Rick Steiner vs. Sid Vicious

Rick is defending even though he didn’t bring the belt with him. We continue a running theme tonight with the guys brawling in the aisle but this time Sid is sent over the barricade and into the crowd. Steiner slams him down on the concrete but Sid fights back, only to put on something like a chinlock near the stage. That goes nowhere so Rick is dragged up to the stage for a low blow, setting up a powerbomb through the stage. Sid walks away and they never actually got into the ring. No match it would seem.

Post break, Rick is taken out on a stretcher. This goes on for the better part of ten minutes and Sid rambles about not wanting to do this to his friend. He’s ready for Nash tonight.

Nash is taping up.

We go to the boiler room for Jerry Flynn vs. Barbarian in something resembling a match. Remember when Mankind and Undertaker did this? Or Big Show and Mankind? Well now it’s Jerry Flynn beating up Barbarian, kicking him up against the wall and I guess knocking him out. Tony brags about how great this is going to be for the ratings and how it’s going to make people watch the show.

Benoit says Scott Hall isn’t standing in the way of getting to the World Title.

Asya vs. Kimberly

Torrie is guest referee and wearing a bikini. Well at least they’re not hiding what they’re doing anymore. Asya and Torrie get in a lame catfight until Kimberly jumps on Asya’s back with a sleeper. The Animals come out to cover Torrie up and get her out of there. Cue David Flair with the crowbar and wearing a referee shirt, sending Kimberly running off. David and Asya fight with David shrugging off a low blow but the Revolution comes out to clear the ring. So a minute long non match had two guest referees (I guess?), and I believe five people interfering?

Sting is given some flowers with a card from Luger. Liz and Luger are shown hoping that he likes them, but Sting doesn’t think he can trust them.

Goldberg has a chilled beverage.

Kimberly runs from David.

WCW World Title Tournament Quarter-Finals: Chris Benoit vs. Scott Hall

Bret Hart comes out to be in Benoit’s corner to counter Nash. So he’s Hogan to Nash’s Andre? Hall throws the toothpick at him and finds it hilarious. That earns him some fluid from Benoit’s nose and they trade some arm holds. Now Hall wants the test of strength, only to pock Benoit in the eye. That’s fine with Chris who trips Hall down and dropkicks him in the side of the head.

The Outsiders have a breather on the floor as this might be the longest match we’ve seen in Russo’s Era without any shenanigans. Back in and they trade chops in the corner with Benoit taking over and getting two off a snap suplex. Nash can’t help it any longer and nails Benoit in the back of the neck, allowing Scott to nail a clothesline for two. Scott gets into his routine and the fall away slam is good for two.

We hit the sleeper on the Canadian but Chris suplexes out to put both guys down. Benoit fights up and plants Hall with a backbreaker before dropkicking him to the floor. Nash goes after Benoit but Hart makes the save. In the melee, Sid comes in and powerbombs Hall, setting up the Swan Dive for two. Nash makes another save but Benoit Crossfaces Hall to go to Mayhem.

Rating: B-. Here’s the interesting thing about the match and the key to the whole idea: the fans reacted when Sid came in and laid Hall out. Now why is this time different from all the other matches ending with interference? For me it’s one simple reason: they allowed the match to build up before doing the angle. The only thing out of the ordinary was a single clothesline from Nash, which is minor by comparison. It’s a good match on its own and the angle is far more acceptable when they have a good build to get there. This is the Russo style that worked in the WWF because it had the time to work, though that’s not the case in WCW.

Bagwell says Jarrett isn’t going over him.

WCW World Title Tournament Quarter-Finals: Bret Hart vs. Kidman

Rey gets in on commentary. Bret takes him down with an elbow to the back of the head and nails a hard clothesline as this is looking one sided so far. Kidman slips out of a slam so Bret catapults him over the top and out to the floor. Back in and a Bodog gets two on Bret but we’ve got Outsiders. They hit on the robed Torrie but Eddie goes over for the save as Rey cheers him on from commentary. Back inside, Bret counters a hurricanrana into the Sharpshooter.

Rating: D. This didn’t have time to go anywhere but at least Bret didn’t crush Kidman. It also helped that they kept things moving quick enough and the interference didn’t really change much. Mysteiro was kind of a jerk but the Animals are the worst face group in the history of wrestling so it’s understandable.

Luger and Liz get some brownies. We’re approaching bad sitcom territory.

Jeff Jarrett is the chosen one.

WCW World Title Tournament Quarter-Finals: Jeff Jarrett vs. Buff Bagwell

They fight on the floor with Buff taking over and heading inside. Bagwell uses his standard offense including a good dropkick and an atomic drop until Creative Control comes out for a distraction. It doesn’t work immediately though as Buff nails a powerslam, but the referee stops to tie his shoe. Creative Control comes in and breaks up the Blockbuster, only to have Buff nail the other with Jeff’s guitar. The referee just can’t stop looking at his shoes though and Jeff nails the Stroke for the pin from the suddenly alert referee.

Jeff and the referee hug because we needed an angle on a match that didn’t break 130 seconds. Dustin Rhodes comes out for the save and celebrates with the loser.

Goldberg headbutts a Surge machine and gets a free drink.

Liz and Luger put laxatives in the brownies.

The Revolution is ready for the House of Pain match, but Saturn wants to talk about Everlast boxing gear and the music video for Jump Around. Saturn asks Dean to jump for him and staring abounds. I could get into this new character.

Duggan intercepts the brownies and says he deserves something like this.

Eddie Guerrero/Konnan vs. Perry Saturn/Dean Malenko

This is a House of Pain match, meaning it’s inside a cage and you win by handcuffing both opponents to the ropes. Saturn superkicks Konnan before he can get inside, leaving Eddie to get double teamed. Tony cuts Heenan off and goes on a rant about internet marks thinking they can do his job. Oh I don’t know Tony. I’ve seen a lot of internet marks that can sound every bit as stupid as you do.

The Revolution double teams Guerrero in the corner and pretty easily gets him most of the way chained up. Konnan comes in with some shots of his own but eats a spike piledriver. They complete shackling Eddie and Konnan gets the same just a few seconds later. Total time of a pretty big gimmick match like this: 2:57.

Rey comes in and gets laid out by a clothesline from Asya. The Revolution hangs him upside down from the top of the cage by the knee, allowing Malenko and Saturn to just destroy Rey’s leg. His next match won’t be until May. Well that explains why he didn’t help Eddie earlier.

WCW World Title Tournament Quarter-Finals: Total Package vs. Sting

The winner gets Bret on Sunday. Luger (the announcers have forgotten the whole DON’T CALL HIM LEX LUGER schtick already) hides in the corner to start as he thought Sting would eat the brownies. Sting kicks him in the allegedly injured leg and stomps Lex down in the corner to take over. He takes it to the floor and stays on the leg (Luger: “HELP ME BOBBY!”) before Lex gets inside to hide in the corner. An atomic drop does nothing to Sting but a clothesline gives Luger his first advantage.

Tony starts talking about how Sting and Luger have been friends for years in this sport before correcting himself by calling it a business. The Stinger Splash connects but Luger trips the referee while in the Scorpion. Liz maces Sting and the Torture Rack goes on, only to have Meng come out for a Tongan Death Grip (revenge for getting maced last week) to Luger. Meng puts Sting on top to send him to Mayhem.

Rating: D-. I’m getting tired of giving these matches the same grades over and over but they keep being the same bad, only slightly watchable matches with some kind of interference and overbooked finishes. This was in the same category as it wasn’t long enough to go anywhere but the guys know each other well enough to sleepwalk to a few acceptable moments.

Here are the final four:

Bret Hart

Sting

Chris Benoit

Jeff Jarrett

Jim Duggan feels the effects of the brownies.

Kevin Nash vs. Sid Vicious

Street fight. As has been the case almost all night, they start brawling in the aisle with Nash taking it into the crowd and hitting Sid low. They head back over the barricade and Nash hits the framed elbows in the corner. A quick clothesline sends Sid to the floor but he hits Nash low to take over again.

Back in and Sid slams Nash down and drops a leg for two. A leg between Nash’s legs is our third low blow in four minutes. Sid calls for the powerbomb as the fans call for Goldberg. Cue Hall to break up the powerbomb and the Outsiders go after Sid. Goldberg comes out to clean house and the bell rings for a no contest in a street fight.

Rating: D-. So now we can’t even get a finish in a match designed to not have a clean finish? I guess we’re setting up some kind of a tag match in the future, but that hasn’t been announced for Mayhem or any other show. On top of that, it would mean ignoring the months of Sid vs. Goldberg, which is one of those things in wrestling that always drives me insane. I’m sure in this WCW though, it’s cutting edge TV.

Overall Rating: D. Here’s the thing: for probably the first time since Russo took over, this show felt like it had a point. They have most of the big stuff set for Mayhem and gave you a reason to check out the show. That alone puts it ahead of almost anything else WCW has done in weeks. However, that brings us to the problem with the show.

Other than Hall vs. Benoit, this was one of the worst wrestling shows I’ve seen in a very long time. The wrestling ranged from too short to mean anything to just flat out bad. However, it did have the best match Nitro has offered in weeks which somehow makes this a better show. I hate to say it, but this bad show is somehow an improvement.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #213
Date: November 8, 1999
Location: Conseco Fieldhouse, Indianapolis, Indiana
Attendance: 8,134
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

With less than two weeks to go until Mayhem, we have a long stretch of tournament matches to still get through. The question now is can any match break ten minutes. I don’t remember the last time we reached that point, but it’s a very rare sight in Russo Land. Hopefully things start to make a bit more sense but I wouldn’t get my hopes up. Let’s get to it.

We open in the production truck with Sid telling a production guy to play a tape when he gives him a cue.

Here’s Sid in the arena with something to say. I can’t see this ending well. The Outsiders think he’s dumb, but he’s not as dumb as he looks. This brings him to Goldberg, who quit at Halloween Havoc. The tape is cued up and we see Goldberg beating on Sid as Sid shouts I QUIT. That’s it. Seriously, that’s it. This brings out the Outsiders with Hall carrying the US Title.

Wait a minute. Hall took the belt from Sid, who wasn’t champion when he took it from Bret. So does that make Bret Bad News Barrett, Sid R-Truth and Hall Dean Ambrose? Suddenly my life makes so much more sense. (That’s a Wrestlemania XXXI reference if you’re reading this ten years from now).

Hall brings up beating Sid last week but Sid says Hall was supposed to lay down. Hall doesn’t lay down for anyone, because that’s how the Kliq works. Nash wants Sid to call out Bret, but Hart saves Sid the trouble. Apparently Bret thinks Goldberg is the real US Champion and he’s going to give Goldberg his belt back tonight. Cue Goldberg to spear Sid and challenge him to an I Quit match. Goldberg also challenges the Outsiders to a game of hide and seek. They hide, he seeks and destroys. Isn’t that the name of Sting’s theme song?

Here are the updated brackets. Sting and Luger have both advanced due to injuries.

Bret Hart

Perry Saturn

Norman Smiley

Kidman

Total Package

Sting

Chris Benoit

Madusa

Scott Hall

Lash Leroux

Buff Bagwell

Vampiro

Curt Hennig

Jeff Jarrett

That is one lame tournament.

Sting isn’t sure he can trust Luger and thinks Lex has a lot of splaining to do.

Luger and Liz arrive in Indiana Pacers gear and try to sneak into the building without being noticed. The camera on them doesn’t help this.

We look at Kimberly running David Flair over last week.

Kimberly arrives and tells Doug Dillinger that David has been harassing her all week. So why is she here? Dillinger gives her extra security.

Kevin Nash has his security license and that’s all we hear as we go to commercial mid sentence.

The Filthy Animals are in the ring for all their sex based catchphrases because Russo thinks they’re like DX. The insults bring out the Revolution, with Dean challenging Rey to a mixed tag with Torrie and Asya. Rey says it’s on.

WCW World Title Tournament Second Round: Norman Smiley vs. Kidman

Norman is officially Screamin Norman Smiley. As he comes to the ring, Tony announces Hall vs. Sid vs. Hart vs. Goldberg in a Texas tornado ladder match for the US Title. This would be different from all those ladder matches where you have to tag. Since Norman is hardcore now, Brian Knobbs and Jimmy Hart come out for commentary. Kidman rips off the helmet Norman is wearing and it’s fighting time.

Norman can’t quite take his gloves off though so Kidman takes him to the ropes for a spanking, only to get kicked low. Something like an inverted powerbomb gets two on Kidman and Norman does his spanking (what is with Russo’s obsession with spanking?) dance while Kidman screams for Torrie. There are so many connotations there, I don’t know where to start. Knobbs sneaks in with a hockey stick to lay out Norman, giving Kidman the pin in barely two minutes.

To recap, Kidman is now in the final eight of the World Title tournament after needing the help of Brian Knobbs to defeat Norman Smiley in a two minute match that saw both men being spanked. This is the brilliant Vince Russo’s grand solution to Rock, HHH, Austin, Angle, Undertaker and company.

Sting searches for Luger.

David Flair is lurking around with his crowbar.

Kevin Nash is getting a rainbow turban put on. Nash as the Grand Wizard would be….well it would be stupid actually.

Here’s an angry Sting to call out Luger. He gets Liz instead, who, after tripping on the ramp because of her heels, says that Luger would never do anything to hurt their cherished friendship. Sting puts his arm around her and says she can be the female Total Package. Now Luger comes out and says he’s here in friendship and apologizes for what happened last week. Sting chokes him against the ropes and says he’ll rip his throat out if that ever happens again. As we’ve known for years, Sting can be a bit of a psycho.

Kimberly goes into her dressing room when the lights go out. David Flair’s voice says she won’t feel a thing. What am I even watching anymore?

WCW World Title Tournament Second Round: Chris Benoit vs. Madusa

Madusa actually puts on a hammerlock but Benoit calmly brushes it off. He tells her to leave and talks to the referee but Madusa fires off some kicks and a hurricanrana. That’s it for Benoit as he rips off a chop to put Madusa on the mat. Cue Evan Karagias to get in a fight with referee Johnny Boone, who easily holds his own against Evan. Jeff Jarrett runs in and lays out Benoit for the DQ, because this isn’t the WWF and we don’t hit women.

Madusa freaks out on Jarrett for costing her a shot at the title.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. comes in to ask the Powers That Be for his opportunity for winning the battle royal on Thunder. Russo tells him that the opportunity around here is selling Amway, so get out of his office. So yeah, no reward and the battle royal was a waste of time.

Jim Duggan is cleaning toilets.

TV Title: Rick Steiner vs. Disco Inferno

Steiner is defending and Disco is Cruiserweight Champion. A quick Steinerline sends Disco to the floor, where the kid who has been hanging around Disco is carrying a bucket. He’s officially named Tony Marinara and says he’s been carrying Glenn since they were kids. Tony says he wants his money and it turns out the bucket is full of concrete. Rick takes it away and hits Disco in the head with it, setting up a German suplex for the pin. We’re getting a mafia angle aren’t we?

Nash is indeed the Grand Wizard of Wrestling and has powder, chloroform and brass knuckles. He and Hall are ready for Sid and they have riot police following them around.

We see the Nitro Girls finalists do a mini routine until AC Jazz comes out and throws out all the Nitro Girl wannabes. They’re skanks and various other insults so here’s Spice to call AC a ho, triggering a fight. Who looks at the Nitro Girls and says they need a story? Who looks at the Nitro Girls and says they need to exist actually?

Kimberly is hiding in the boiler room. David is there with her and says his master needs another bride. In case you’re wondering, we’ve had about five and a half minutes of wrestling time so far but this is the third or fourth bit about these two.

Here’s Dustin Rhodes as Seven for his debut promo. With the floor covered in smoke, he flies to the ring with the help of some not very well covered wires. “I want everyone here to take a good long look at this crap I’m in.” He rants about leaving the WWF because of gimmicks like Goldust, which completely sucked. It nearly ruined his wrestling career and he wanted to come back home and just be Dustin Rhodes. The Powers That Be think Dustin is boring though, so he’s dressed up as Uncle Fester. “My new name is Seven by the way.”

He won’t have any of this or Goldust and they know where they can shove it. Last week, WCW fired Dusty Rhodes so now his mission is to make the Powers That Be, WCW and TNA all suffer the consequences. You will never forget the name of Dustin Rhodes. To recap, Russo came up with this character and now has written a promo where he calls it stupid. He’s already bored of burying the talent so he’s going to bury himself I guess.

David is still on the hunt.

Luger and Liz have a plan to make up with Sting.

Sting vs. Goldberg

Just a match and Goldberg’s first match of the night. After a two minute entrance, Goldberg slugs Sting up against the ropes but gets caught in a sleeper. Cue Luger and Liz as the referee goes down. They mace Sting (clearly intentional) and it’s the spear and Jackhammer for the pin in 2:13. These two should have been the biggest match all year and Russo has run it twice in fifteen days in 5:21 total. That’s borderline criminal. Also, in case you have hope for the future, this is their last singles match ever.

And now, after that huge match, the Outsiders offer Sid the riot squad when Rick Steiner comes up and demands Sid make time for him tonight. So Rick is the clingy ex?

Luger and Liz see Duggan mopping floors and steal his “wet floor” sign.

Kimberly finds a security guard and, say it with me, it’s David Flair. What happened to the extra guards she was given earlier?

Vampiro is now a full on member of the Misfits. Well sweet goodness I totally want to watch the show, buy the merchandise and order the pay per views now. This totally changes my perspective on the company and wrestling as a whole and I can’t put into words how excited I am to have seen this thrilling turn of events.

WCW World Title Tournament Second Round: Vampiro vs. Buff Bagwell

The Misfits jump Bagwell during his entrance and the referee has no issue ringing the bell during a 5-1 beatdown. Vampiro takes him inside for a running clothesline but completely misses a top rope flip attack. Bagwell fights off all of the Misfits but the referee gets poked in the eye and Vampiro hits a missile dropkick. I don’t see why we needed a ref bump for that but I’m still reeling from the announcement that Vampiro has joined the Misfits so I probably missed the subtext. Berlyn comes down and nails Vampiro with a chain, setting up the Blockbuster for the pin. Five people, a ref bump and a chain. Match time: 82 seconds.

The Bodyguard beats up the Misfits post match. Creative Control comes up and beats Berlyn down as well. As terrifying as this is to me, I’m starting to understand these stories.

Luger is on the bathroom floor holding his knee. After a break, the EMT says there’s nothing wrong with it.

WCW World Title Tournament Second Round: Bret Hart vs. Perry Saturn

Bret’s knee seems to be fine and Shane Douglas is on commentary. Hart goes after the arm first but gets caught by a forearm to the face. Saturn gets smart and kicks at Bret’s recently injured knee which Bret quickly remembers to sell. A t-bone suplex drops Bret but he avoids the Lionsault. Must be the Canadian instinct.

We hit the Five Moves of Doom (Shane: “I’ve seen this before!”) but Asya distracts the referee as Bret puts on the Sharpshooter. Shane gets up and hits him in the head with a cast, setting up the Death Valley Driver for a surprising kick out. Saturn throws him outside so Malenko can get in some cheap shots but Benoit runs out for the save. Bret gets thrown back in but escapes a sunset flip and puts on the Sharpshooter for the win to advance.

Rating: C-. Another potentially good match ruined by too much overbooking. Hart kicking out of the Death Valley Drive surprised me a bit, even though I know how this tournament ends. The bad side of that is I fully expected there to be a screwy finish if Bret was eliminated because that’s the standard operating procedure around here these days: be screwy for the sake of being screwy.

Kimberly asks Creative Control for a meeting with the Powers That Be.

Nash does Johnny Carson’s Carnac bit, meaning he gives the answer to a question and then reads the question. The answer is 316 and the question is how many times Undertaker and Austin have worked a pay per view against each other. Oh get over yourselves WCW. That shouldn’t be hard given how low you are in the ratings.

Here’s Booker T. with something to say. He’s alone this week as Stevie Ray has been suspended. Booker has three things on his mind: Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control. He wants all three of them out here right now for a Harlem street fight.

Booker T. vs. Creative Control/Jeff Jarrett

Jeff sits on commentary because Creative Control can handle Booker on their own. Booker backdrops one of them to the floor and forearms the other so Jarrett comes in with the guitar for a threat, allowing Creative Control to hammer on Booker. Cue a woman who looks like a black Chyna….and gets hit with a guitar a few seconds after she gets in. That’s the end of the so called match as Jarrett and Creative Control walk out.

The Powers That Be tell Luger that he has to face Sid or he’s out of the tournament.

Asya/Dean Malenko vs. Torrie Wilson/Rey Mysterio

Torrie is in a swimsuit top, the bottom half of a dress and very high heels. She tries to take the dress off but Rey stops her for some reason. Asya handcuffs Torrie to the ring five seconds in and Rey gets double teamed. Torrie was really that big of a threat? A suplex gets two and it’s off to Malenko for two more off a clothesline but Rey comes back with a one legged dropkick. He knocks Asya off the apron but Dean kicks him in the knee, only to get sent hard into Asya. Rey misses the Bronco Buster, setting up the Cloverleaf for another fast ending.

The Animals come in for the save as Tony says this was a grand plan. There was nothing grand about this Tony. Well except Torrie.

Kimberly goes into the shower and David is waiting for her. Good grief just leave the arena already. Then again David seems to have superpowers tonight so it might not matter.

Sid Vicious vs. Total Package

Liz wheels Luger down and Lex says his knee is too banged up to compete, but he’ll be fine for the tournament match next week. This brings Sting out to beat Luger up and throw him in to face Sid. Sid hammers away but has to move Liz to get at Luger again. Luger actually sells the knee (still wrapped in ice) as Sid stomps on it. A big boot puts Luger down and the riot squad comes out. They stop an invading Goldberg, then step aside so he can come in and spear both guys for the no contest, even though it should have been a DQ on Luger since Goldberg got speared first.

Brian Knobbs vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Hardcore of course and the winner will face Norman Smiley for the Hardcore Title. Norman comes down to do commentary and asks if Bigelow has dental insurance because he’s been missing that tooth for years. He’s already the funniest commentator this company has. After some trashcan shots they fight into the back with Norman playing Road Dogg as roving commentator.

They knock each other into a wall and Norman wants to know where Doug Dillinger is when you really need him. Knobbs hits Bigelow with a chair and drives him through a table as Norman screams a lot. Kimberly shows up and has Bigelow come with her, meaning Knobbs wins by countout. Backstage. In a hardcore match. This was a way for Kimberly to get some protection but Norman continues to be hilarious.

Norman beats up Knobbs and Jimmy and throws them in trashcans.

Kimberly and Bam Bam Bigelow are looking for David. Bigelow: “If you want to pick on a girl, pick on me!”

WCW World Title Tournament Second Round: Scott Hall vs. Lash Leroux

Nash is with Hall and in the Grand Wizard garb. The riot guard is with them as well to really overbook things. Heenan thinks the guest referee for the ladder match is going to be from another organization. We start with a toothpick throw and Lash is tossed into the corner. Hall drives in the shoulders and puts on an armbar to slap Lash in the back of the head. Back up and Lash scores with some forearms and a dropkick as Tony is really putting Lash over. The Outsiders have a meeting on the floor and Nash offers chloroform.

Back in and Scott offers a test of strength and pokes Leroux in the eye. Tony talks about the tournament and Heenan says he sounds like Dick Vitale. Tony: “Really?” Heenan: “No.” A chokeslam sets up the Giant imitation, because it makes sense to mock someone who left nine months ago. Tony tries to cover for him by saying it’s climbing a ladder, which is better than most ideas he’s had before.

Hall puts on an abdominal stretch and lifts Lash’s leg to make it even worse. As Lash makes his comeback, Tony promises a recap of everything that’s happened earlier in the night. The fact that that’s a featured attraction tells you how messy this show has been. Hall stops the comeback with a discus punch and the fallaway slam. The Outsider’s Edge is good for the pin.

Rating: C. You know what? This wasn’t half bad. Maybe it’s my shock that they had a match end clean, but this was a totally acceptable six minute (longest of the night) match. It’s nothing great and nothing I’ll think about by the time this show is over, but this was such a nice change of pace from the other “matches” all night that it was pretty entertaining.

Nash calls the riot squad into the ring and one of them is Goldberg. You can figure the rest out for yourselves. Before the double spear, Nash tries to throw powder in Goldberg’s face. I’m sure Nash had a plan to get it past the helmet and visor.

Recap of Hennig having to avoid getting pinned to keep his job. We still have no idea why this stipulation has been put into place.

WCW World Title Tournament Second Round: Curt Hennig vs. Jeff Jarrett

Hennig jumps him in the aisle to start and they head inside with Jeff grabbing a quick small package for two. They head right back outside for a slugout with Jeff going after the knee as is his custom. Cue Creative Control to watch from the stage as Hennig kicks out of a Figure Four attempt.

Curt fights back and naturally we get a ref bump. You can feel the ratings triple as fans just know the referee has gone down in a five minute match and the excitement cannot be contained! The PerfectPlex doesn’t matter because no one is there to count, allowing Creative Control to beat Curt down. They slam him through the announcers’ table and it’s a countout, meaning this stupid angle MUST CONTINUE!

Rating: D+. Somehow this might have been the second best match of the night. I’m already getting bored of telling Russo that there’s no need to have a match this overbooked when you have two talented guys in there, but this was more of the same problems over and over again. Boring match but at least they had some time to set something up.

Jeff gives Curt the Stroke post match.

Here are the updated brackets:

Bret Hart

Kidman

Sting

Total Package

Chris Benoit

Scott Hall

Buff Bagwell

Jeff Jarrett

Kimberly comes to the ring and says she’s tired of running from David, so come get her. This brings out David but Bam Bam Bigelow jumps him. David hits him low and gets in a crowbar shot though, sending Kimberly running away again.

Post break, Kimberly is trying to get in her car with David Flair behind her. She drops her keys but gets in anyway, only to have David break out a window. Creative Control comes up and chases him off, saying the Powers That Be will see her now. Why she hasn’t CALLED THE FREAKING POLICE all night is never made clear.

US Title: Sid Vicious vs. Goldberg vs. Bret Hart vs. Scott Hall

Ladder match with Goldberg defending. During the entrances, Tony recaps the evening and my goodness it sounds even worse. Hall and Sid start fighting before the other two get there and it’s clear that Sid could easily reach up and pull down the title without a ladder. Bret and Goldberg come in with no music as we’re reminded about the special referee. We could also use a ladder, so here comes Nash with a ladder and a referee’s shirt.

Goldberg and Hall slug it out in the aisle and we’re told it’s Kimberly vs. David Flair at Mayhem. So it’s Kimberly vs. a man stalking her and potentially trying to rape her earlier. No, of course Russo doesn’t have issues with women. All four get inside as the fans chant for Goldberg but they get Rick Steiner instead. He plants Sid with the bulldog and slugs it out with Goldberg. Hart pulls down the belt but Nash hits him in the bad leg with a pipe and picks up the belt. Hall climbs one rung and is handed the belt to make him the champion.

Rating: D-. Why did I expect anything else here? It was an overbooked ladder match and that’s the best idea they could come up with, but at least Hall is the champion now and….what exactly does that change? Nothing of course, because titles mean nothing in this company and are nothing more than a plot point. That’s one of those Russo ideas that has stayed around, despite the fact that it’s rarely made things even better.

Overall Rating: F+. At what point did this stop being a wrestling show? Somewhere recently this turned into a bunch of direct to video movies spliced together. Kimberly was all over this show more than the Filthy Animals had been recently, which makes for good scenery but some STUPID moments. She had no reason to be there tonight as she quit the Nitro Girls and Page is allegedly hurt, but she showed up for the sake of the plot. Bad show with some watchable matches when they were given time, but we needed more shenanigans with Luger’s knee or Kimberly being stupid. Standard WCW fare in other words.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6