Smackdown Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: Rikishi/Mark Henry vs. Eddie Guerrero/Chavo Guerrero

Matt Hardy vs. Undertaker

Survivor Series ad.

Cruiserweight Title: Crash vs. Jamie Noble

Edge vs. Kurt Angle

Rating: A-. This was one less referee fight and false finish away from being a classic. As it is, this was just another great match to be added to the recent string of them on this show. Edge is getting hotter and hotter every single week and thankfully seems to be getting somewhere as a result. I love it when you see someone work hard and get rewarded for it, which is far rarer than it should be.

Rey Mysterio video.

Smackdown Tag Team Title Tournament First Round: Billy and Chuck vs. Faarooq/Reverend D-Von

Dawn shows Al her bikini.

Chris Benoit vs. Rey Mysterio

Benoit Crossfaces Angle until security breaks it up to end the show.

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Opening sequence.

Rikishi vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

This is over Chavo hitting Rikishi with a camera last week. Chavo wisely gets him to give chase early on but Rikishi grabs him by the head and then throws Chavo into the corner by the throat. Something like a Scotty 2 Hotty style bulldog drops the big guy though and Rikishi is sent shoulder first into the post.

Rikishi dances post match.

Billy and Chuck vs. Tajiri/Jamie Noble

Post match the women get into it again and Torrie spanks Nidia.

Dawn Marie offers Torrie some insincere praise for the win, though everyone knows Dawn would have beaten her with ease.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Edge

No DQ. Eddie starts hammering away until a monkey flip puts him down. The fans are all over Eddie as he easily breaks up a keylock. An elbow to the head drops Edge and Eddie hits some rather hard right hands. We hit a chinlock for a bit before Edge snaps off a powerslam, only to take too long getting to the top.

Back up again and Edge backdrops him into the ladder in the corner before they climb the second ladder a second time. You know, because it ended so well earlier. This time Edge rams him face first into the top a few times and grabs an Edgecution off the ladder (looked a bit more like a superplex for the sake of clearing the ladder but the landing still looked great) for the pin and one last big reaction from the crowd.

A bloody Eddie gets the big respectful ovation, which he more than earned.

Marc Lloyd comes up to ask Benoit about the main event. Benoit: “YOU SUCK!” That got a good laugh. Anyway Benoit is ready.

Undertaker vs. Matt Hardy

Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio

Chris throws Rey to the floor but gets chopped n the corner by a fresh Angle. We hit the rolling German suplexes and an Angle Slam on Benoit but Rey dropkicks Kurt for two. Benoit is sent outside this time and Rey scores with a dive, only to have Angle send him into the barricade.

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Opening sequence.

Rey Mysterio/Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia/Jamie Noble

Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena

Non-title and something that would be a bit different today. Like Cena would be wearing jean shorts while Lesnar squashed him. Lesnar forearms him in the back of the head to start and hits the first overhead belly to belly. Brock starts pounding him in the back and gets two off a delayed vertical suplex. A waistlock has Cena in even more trouble as the very slow pace continues. Brock stays on the ribs for a bit longer, shrugs off the comeback, and finishes with the F5.

Video on Rikishi, who was shot back in 1986. Ok then.

Eddie Guerrero wants revenge on Edge for the Stinkface. If that means more Edge vs. Eddie, I guess I can live with it.

Eddie Guerrero/Chavo Guerrero vs. Edge/Rikishi

Edge gets in a powerslam but Eddie cheap shots Rikishi to prevent the hot tag. I love how so many of those spots have been used for the better part of twenty years and simply do not get old. A tornado DDT is broken up and the hot tag brings in Rikishi to clean house. We get the double crush in the corner but only Chavo takes the Stinkface. Eddie bails to the floor so Chavo hits Rikishi with a TV camera for the pin.

Post match Eddie chairs Edge in the face to cut him open.

Matt Hardy vs. The Hurricane

Billy and Chuck vs. Kurt Angle/Chris Benoit

Benoit and Angle trade submissions post match, making Billy and Chuck look even more worthless.

Undertaker arrives with ten minutes left in the show.

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Opening sequence.

Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly

A delayed vertical suplex sets up a bearhug but Brock charges into some boots in the corner. That earns him a completely botched powerbomb with Holly handing on his head, putting him out of action for over a year. Holly somehow gets in a dropkick and the kick to the ribs, only to eat the F5 for the pin.

Eddie Guerrero/Chavo Guerrero vs. John Cena/Edge

Rating: C+. This worked like you would expect it to but I continue to be confused by Cena. He came in white hot and hit the ground running but then he was losing to D-Von and getting pinned clean in tag matches. As is so often the case, you need more than just a wrestling match to get someone over and the lack of any development is really hurting Cena.

As expected, Eddie goes nuts on Chavo post break.

Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio

We hit the bodyscissors to keep Rey down, followed by some rolling German suplexes to make things even worse. Rey fights right back with a moonsault press and a crossbody to put Angle on the floor. The 619 looks to set up the West Coast Pop but Kurt has to settle for a regular hurricanrana for a close two. Rey takes a bit too long going up though and the corner running Angle Slam puts him away.

Someone from the wedding party arrives in a long black limousine.

Chris Benoit vs. Rikishi

Post match Angle holds Benoit in place for the Stinkface.

The wedding ceremony is being set up so Benoit spends the time getting a match with Angle at Unforgiven. Stephanie agrees as Matt comes in and gets a match with Undertaker tonight.

The shaking stops and the voice changes with the old man ripping off the prosthetic makeup to reveal Eric Bischoff. I know you can tell it a lot better now with the voice but this COMPLETELY got me back in the day and was one of the best surprises I had ever seen. 3 Minute Warning comes in for the beatdown with Bischoff holding Stephanie back.

Nidia vs. Torrie Wilson

Matt recruits Brock to be at ringside with him.

Undertaker vs. Matt Hardy

Lesnar and Heyman are at ringside too. Heyman immediately starts running around the ring and throws a chair in with Tazz blaming Stacker 2 (sponsor) for all the energy. Undertaker will have none of this and grabs a powerslam to plant Hardy. Heyman gets ejected and the distraction lets Hardy get in a low blow.

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Someone explain to me why this is the main event and for a title.  Please, someone tell me why that’s what we need.  I can almost buy this as the main event (assuming Goldberg can go more than five minutes) but why in the world does this need to be for the title?  Does the winner really need to take the title on hiatus for weeks at a time?  That’s their best idea?

WWE Championship
Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton

If this happens, Wyatt better win.  Orton doesn’t need this and Wyatt is considered a choker so let him defend the title here and eventually drop it to someone over the summer.  This should be a layup so I don’t buy it happening, unfortunately.

RAW Women’s Championship
Charlotte (c) vs. Bayley vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax

Again, this should be a layup (as well as a singles match but WE MUST GO FOUR WAYS!) and by that I mean…..actually it should be Sasha turning heel and getting the big title win, setting up Bayley with the big singles win around Summerslam.  I know people want to see Bayley win the title here but she’s not ready yet.

Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker

This is one of two schools of thought.  If they try to have Reigns go in as the mega face, it doesn’t matter who wins because Reigns will be blown into the Atlantic by the booing.  If they have Reigns as the heel monster who spears old man Undertaker over and over until he can’t get up anymore, I’m sold like Hercules to DiBiase.

Seth Rollins vs. Triple H

If they just absolutely have to do this (and they clearly do because it’s HHH at Wrestlemania), please don’t screw it up by having it go half an hour.  This is nowhere near as big a match as WWE seems to think it is but it seems to be what we’re getting, assuming Seth can walk again.  I’ve heard rumors of Shane McMahon replacing Seth if he can’t go but either way, HHH needs to go down here.

Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho

I could go for this being for the US Title and all they have to do is have Jericho put Owens on the List for some reason.  This is the match that should happen, has been planned for months and needs to take place by schedule.  Stop messing with the good ideas you have and everything will be fine.

AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon

Of all the matches on the card, I think this one makes me madder than all the rest.  AJ had one of the best years in company history but for some reason he’s stuck babysitting the boss at Wrestlemania.  The match will have some big spots and entertaining moments but how much praise do you think AJ is going to get for it?  This is going to be the Shane McMahon Show and that’s a very sad moment for AJ.

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

BRING BACK SHANE!  Word on the street says this is Nikki’s last match with Cena possibly proposing after the match.  You know, because WRESTLEMANIA needs to be a Nikki Bella night.  Cena isn’t going to be around much longer and now we get to hear about how Nikki has just overcome so much and how she’s earned all this and should get her happiness or whatever, because somewhere along the line she because Trish Stratus and Lita combined.  I can’t stand this for everyone involved as they all, save for Nikki that is, deserve so, so much better.

The Big Show vs. Shaquille O’Neal

You knew this one was going to happen and while that doesn’t make it much better, it’s still the case.  This is going to eat up about fifteen minutes with all the introductions and pre-match shenanigans and that’s fine really.  It’s going to come and go with no one remembering it so let’s get it over with and worry about the rest of the show.  I just don’t care enough to get annoyed about it and that’s fine.

Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

So….this is Ambrose’s spot I suppose.  I mean, it’s not like you could do one last match against Styles or have him defend against Baron Corbin.  While the latter is still a possibility, it seems more likely that they’ll put them both in the battle royal or on the pre-show because Nikki’s proposal needs more time.  I’ll actually take Corbin winning again here, which would be a great idea for him.

This isn’t the strongest card in the world but there’s more to like about it than last year’s show.  At least there’s no reason to believe New Day will lose to the League of Nations again.  I still want to know what was up with that.

Opening sequence.

Billy vs. Rey Mysterio

A very early Rico distraction (those sideburns are mesmerizing) lets Billy jump Rey and choke in the corner. The tilt-a-whirl powerslam plants Rey and Tazz makes gay jokes. Rey gets in his first offense with a dropkick to the knee so Billy clotheslines his head off, making sure that Mysterio has nothing of note so far. Rico cheats a bit more so the fans are all over him, making Rico the best thing about the match so far. More shots to the back keep Rey in trouble but a springboard dropkick sets up the 619 with Chuck making the save. That means Billy gets to work Rey over even more until Mysterio gets a fluke cradle for the pin.

Cruiserweight Title: Jamie Noble vs. Shannon Moore

Shannon is challenging after pinning Jamie in some recent tag matches. The battle of wristlockery start things off until Shannon armdrags him down. Nidia grabs a leg but Shannon dropkicks the champ to the floor anyway. Back in and a harder clothesline than you would expect from a cruiserweight match puts Shannon back down and a belly to back gets two.

Paul Heyman is hyping Brock Lesnar up for his match with Randy Orton when Randy comes up and says absolutely nothing of note.

Brock Lesnar vs. Randy Orton

Non-title and one of those matches that would be totally different just a few years later. Also Lesnar is now WWE Champion instead of Undisputed Champion as continuity takes another hit for the sake of pulling a title out of a briefcase. Orton charges straight at him and actually gets two off a rollup. That just means an overhead belly to belly though and Brock is already smiling.

Brock throws him over the top and hits an STO back inside. He throws Orton onto his shoulders and drives Randy back first into the buckle over and over as this is a total squash. Heyman: “HE WANTS THIS!” A dropkick to the ribs staggers Lesnar and Orton gets in the backbreaker. For reasons of general stupidity, he heads up top for the high crossbody but gets rolled through into the F5 for the pin.

Mark Henry congratulates Billy and Chuck.

Crash signs his contract and thanks Stephanie when D-Von comes in. The Reverend is upset about Billy and Chuck but again we never heard the word wedding or marriage. He talks about how immoral is it but OF COURSE Stephanie cuts him off for not showing her enough respect. The ceremony is next week, D-Von faces Batista later and just in case you forgot, Stephanie is the most amazing and intimidating person ever.

Tajiri vs. Mark Henry

Reverend D-Von vs. Batista

Batista has what would be his theme song for years and the red trunks instead of the gray one he had been wearing. D-Von jumps him to start and gets in a quick chair shot, only to take a Batista Bomb for the pin in a minute and a half. The man that pinned John Cena clean last week everyone!

Eddie Guerrero and Kurt Angle are ready for their six man tag tonight. Angle is annoyed at Benoit for costing him the #1 contendership so Benoit comes in and we have a staredown.

Matt Hardy vs. Hardcore Holly

They trade rollups for two to start before opting to just punch each other in the face. Tazz would rather talk about cheese jokes (Wisconsin remember.) as Holly gets two off a belly to back suplex. A backbreaker sets up a belly to back superplex, only to have Matt knock him away and get two off a moonsault press. The Side Effect gets the same but Holly gets two of his own with a powerbomb. Neither finisher can hit so Hardy grabs a rollup, only to be reversed into another one with Holly grabbing the tights for the pin.

Crash vs. Hurricane

Edge/Undertaker/Rikishi vs. Kurt Angle/Chris Benoit/Eddie Guerrero

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