Clash of the Champions 10: Texas Shootout
Date: February 6, 1990
Location: Memorial Coliseum, Corpus Christi, Texas
Attendance: 3,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jim Cornette

We’re getting ready for the WrestleWar PPV and there’s one moment on this show that totally altered that PPV as well as arguably the next three and a half years of WCW as well as a legend’s career but we’ll get to that later. Also on this show….uh…..oh you get to see Foley at 24 years old against Mil Mascaras in a match he talks about in his book. Oh and Undertaker is on this show about 8 months before he became Undertaker. Let’s get to it.

The opening video looks like a bad arcade game where you have what appear to be cardboard cutouts of wrestlers being shot in windows of a saloon. It’s going to be one of those shows isn’t it? Cornette gets two talk for two and a half hours so he couldn’t be happier.

Terry Funk has a live mic in Texas to do interviews at ringside. This cannot be good under any circumstances.

Gordon Solie is doing backstage interviews and has the Road Warriors here, about four months before they bailed to WWF. They don’t like the Skyscrapers.

Oliver Humperdink does the intro for Samoan Savage (Tama from the Islanders). He comes out to something like the Halloween theme. These interviews are very, and I mean EXACTLY like ones you would see on a SNME.

Steve Williams puts a dummy in an ambulance and says to the hospital while Bad to the Bone plays in the background. This is going to be a LONG night isn’t it?

Samoan Savage vs. Steve Williams

Oliver Humperdink is listed as the Big Kahuna here. Are you serious? Williams goes right at him in the corner and the brawl is on. The Samoan runs away which is probably the right thing for him to do at this point. Williams fires off right hands and slams that fat man. How did he used to be pretty slim just a few years prior to this? He finally drills a clothesline to take Williams down and get a breath of air.

Humperdink does some weak choking as Williams has been sent to the floor. There’s a house band for no apparent reason called the Tough Guys. Woman is here for no apparent reason again. That sounds like a running theme for tonight. Nitron, Woman’s usual muscle, isn’t here tonight for some reason that the announcers don’t know either.

Time for the chinlock to go on because we have to do that. Cornette makes Mexican jokes as he has been known to do once or twice a minute. Williams fights up with no real trouble but walks into a powerslam for two. That’s almost too interesting though so it’s back to the nerve hold. Sunset flip doesn’t work for Dr. Death but hitting him in the head doesn’t work for Savage. Back to the chinlock as Cornette thinks there should be a Samoan contingent to balance things out.

Williams is sent to the floor and Humperdink gets in a shot which stuns him a bit. So let me get this straight. A right from Humperdink can sent Williams reeling a bit but at the same time a straight downward shot by the Samoan has no effect? Why is Humperdink the manager again? Anyway a top rope splash misses for the Savage so Williams walks around with him in a slam for awhile. Williams gets a backslide of all things and we’re done.

Rating: C-. For a battle of power men there it was just ok. This would be Williams’ last match actually as he was supposed to beat Luger for the US Title at WrestleWar but something happened to change that and he left for Japan as a result. Not much of a match but it’s an opener with Tama as a competitor. What were you expecting?

The Tough Guys play for a bit for no apparent reason.

Terry Funk is here to talk to the Horsemen (faces at this point) who he says will be hard to stop in 1990. In this case it’s Flair (world champion, shocking I know), Arn, Ole and Sting. Yes that Sting. Ole gets in Funk’s face for talking too much. Well no one ever accused Ole of being all that smart. Flair says they’re going to make a statement through their spokesman Ole.

Ole, the great spokesman, has his back to the camera. This is about Sting apparently, because he’s fired. Ole and Arn have been brought back by Flair to get rid of Sting, who is in trouble for wanting the world title. Sting wasn’t taken out yet because Sting saved Flair. Ole offers him a chance to live if he turns down the title shot and has two hours to do that. Sting says not a chance so Ole says the same thing. Sting finally gets a chance to say something but it’s a classic Horsemen beatdown. This isn’t the big moment that I was referring to.

Mod Squad vs. Brian Pillman/Tom Zenk

The Mod Squad is a weak heel tag team made of Basher and Spike. Pillman and Spike (I think) start us off. He’s the skinnier one if nothing else. Pillman can throw a great dropkick. Off to Zenk and the arm work begins. Basher comes in and that goes about as well. Cornette and Ross really don’t seem all that interested in this match and I can’t say I blame them.

Brian beats on Basher for awhile and Zenk adds an enziguri for two. Double teaming doesn’t work on Zenk as Pillman gets a double slingshot clothesline to take both Mods down. Apparently the Midnight Express want to reelect Marian Berry. Ok then. Spike gets a face jam to Pillman to take over as Cornette makes jokes.

We talk about Sting and Flair some more because the match is rather boring. Double teaming by the Squad as Pillman doesn’t even have the Bengal tights here. Off to a chinlock and then another one by the other Mod dude. This match is taking far too long as there hasn’t been anything of note. Cornette disputes the idea that he loves the fans as Pillman gets an elbow to Basher but can’t tag out. Crucifix gets two for Brian but Spike misses a top rope elbow, hot tag Zenk, house is cleaned, cross body ends Basher.

Rating: D. How in the world was this a ten minute match? It should have been something like three but we had to fill in time I guess. Z-Man and Pillman would win the US Tag Titles less than a week after this so there was no way they were going to lose here. Just WAY too long for what they had going on here.

Cactus Jack Manson vs. Mil Mascaras

It’s Foley before he meant anything at all. Nice heat on his introduction though. Foley BLASTED Mascaras in his book over this match so let’s see how bad it is. Cornette says Mascaras is most popular in Japan for some reason. We get to a bow and arrow almost immediately as Mascaras makes Foley look like an idiot, which to be fair is fine because Foley is a far smaller deal at this point.

Test of strength goes to Mascaras and headscissors a go-go. Cactus gets sent to the floor and falls over a chair, landing on his back. JR: “A breakfast room at a honeymoon hotel isn’t as empty as Cactus Jack’s head.” Jack hammers away and Mascaras ignores it, hooking what can only be called a Liontamer for a bit.

Here’s a great example of the no selling complaints. As you know, one of Foley’s signature moves is the elbow off the apron. He hits a backbreaker on the floor and Mascaras never actually goes all the way to the ground. Foley sets for the elbow but there’s no Mascaras, as instead he’s snuck into the ring and dropkicks Foley to the floor where he bangs his head on the concrete. That was one of his signature moves for a long time, and people wonder why he can barely move. Anyway a top rope cross body ends this.

Rating: D. Match was weak, but I totally see Foley’s point with the no selling thing. I mean dude, shake your head a little bit after a punch at least. You’re in the midcard for a one off appearance. You’re not quite Hulk Hogan here. The backbreaker thing was pitiful too. Jack took awhile to set up the elbow which I’d guess was supposed to be the spot for the plunge, but at the same time you can’t even hit the ground? Foley isn’t the only one to complain about this, so it’s not just a personal grudge.

Missy Hyatt hypes that she’s the new co-host of the Main Event.

The Tough Guys perform and Cactus Jack beats them up. That’s a perk. He and the drummer, an AWA guy named JT Southern, get into it a bit and that went nowhere.

Norman the Lunatic, more famous as Bastian Booger, is a crazy man here. As in he was in a straightjacket most of the time. Here he wants hot dogs or something and is told it’s falls count anywhere against Kevin Sullivan.

Norman the Lunatic vs. Kevin Sullivan

Before the match we get a video of Norman at a zoo, petting pigs. In the arena he’s in a cowboy outfit and hands out valentines to the fans. This was one of those concept characters if you get the idea. Sullivan jumps him and we go to the floor almost immediately. Back at this point, companies could sponsor parts of the ring, meaning Sullivan is sent into the Roos’ post.

Norman does that seated splash of his for no cover. A middle rope splash misses though and we’re back to the floor again. Sullivan actually SLAMS Norman in an impressive and surprising spot. There goes Norman’s shirt which means we have to see something rather unpleasant. A “belly to back suplex” (looked like a Russian leg sweep) gets two. Cornette: “This Norman is so stupid that mind readers only charge him half price.”

Sullivan dominates him for a good while and there’s nothing of note. I guess they’re afraid of trying to let Sullivan work a regular match which I can’t blame them for. Back in for you guessed it, more brawling/pounding by Sullivan. Norman makes a comeback and knocks Sullivan through the ropes to the outside. Up the aisle they go and the ramps is huge. Backdrop gets two for Sullivan. Into the back and they go into the women’s restroom where sound effects are used sans video. Sullivan is knocked out of the room as Norman has a toilet seat in hand. Apparently the pin happened off camera. At least it’s over.

Rating: D. This was junk of course and the ending hurts it even worse. No word on why they were fighting but I’d assume it was some kind of bully thing as that has infected even the past. Better go found a charity to help fight it. How do those work anyway? Do you accept donations to pay bullies off? Norman would stick around for awhile and do nothing of note before he became a trucker for some reason.

Funk is here for his talk show segment known as Funk’s Grill with Luger as his guest. They like each other and Luger says Sting should turn down the shot because Luger would get the shot otherwise. The fans want Sting but Luger says you have the Total Package right now. This goes absolutely nowhere.

Road Warriors vs. Skyscrapers

Skyscrapers are Mean Mark (Undertaker) Callous and Dangerous Dan (Spivey) Spivey and have Teddy Long with them. Spivey beats on Hawk a bit but Hawk runs him over because he’s….uh Hawk I guess. Animal and Callous comes in. I’ll do what I can to not call him Taker but it’s not easy. He’s 6’9, has red hair and is 24 here. Animal no sells his offense but that’s typical for Animal.

Callous MOVES out there, missing a cross body of all things but it’s off to Spivey and Hawk again. Hawk charges but hits the post and the beating is on. We get what would become known as Old School to Hawk. It’s so weird to think that Taker and Foley were 8 years away from having one of the most brutal matches of all time. Taker counters a clothesline into a Fujiwara armbar which only lasts a few seconds.

Old School doesn’t work a second time and it’s off to Animal and Spivey. Everything breaks down and the Skyscrapers double team Animal for a bit until he backflips out of a double suplex. Hawk comes back in and it’s Doomsday Device for Spivey. Callous comes off the top with a chair and everything breaks down and it’s finally thrown out as Hawk takes a spike Piledriver. The Road Warriors get a big beatdown laid on them.

Rating: C-. For Taker being this young guy out there it’s very cool to see. Other than that it’s just a brawl which is ok but they’ve had it a few times already tonight which is a bit of an issue. Either way it’s not a terrible match but at the same time it got a bit annoying throughout. Eh it’s TV so I can’t complain that much.

Back from a break and they replay the Warriors getting beaten down.

Gordon Solie still can’t get an interview with Sting. He does have Brian Pillman though, who says Sting is losing his mind.

Doom say they’re going to win the tag titles.

Tag Titles: Doom vs. Steiner Brothers

This is masks vs. titles despite everyone knowing who Doom is. It’s Butch Reed and Ron Simmons, as in two of the three black wrestlers in the whole company. Sounds bad but it’s true. Reed rants for a bit before Simmons starts with Scott. It’s power vs. power here and the voice of Ron Simmons is unmistakable. Scott makes Simmons look like an idiot and it’s off to Reed (Doom #2).

Doom is sent to the floor as this is all Scott so far. Scott wants the mask already but Reed gets out just in case. The fans chant for Sting as Rick comes in. The basic idea of this match is Doom gets mad, a Steiner runs them around the ring a bit, suplex takes the Doom guy down, start over. Back off to the far bigger Simmons who pounds Scotty down a bit. Scott plays Ricky Morton for a bit as the beating is on.

People didn’t go for as many covers back in the day. Very interesting change in the times indeed. BIG spinebuster gets two for Reed but he picks him up. Scott grabs a backslide for two and a Piledriver gets the same. Sunset flip gets two on Reed but Scott can’t make the tag. There’s a Frankensteiner out of nowhere and it’s off to Rick. He manages to rip the mask off and it’s Butch Reed. Rick rolls up Reed a second later to end it.

Rating: D+. Yeah amazingly enough, this was boring. This whole show has been that way because the matches have been going far longer than they should have. The masks were pretty pointless here so it’s not like the titles were ever in any real jeopardy. Weak match in a running theme for tonight.

Apparently if Simmons doesn’t unmask he’s suspended. If his identity is supposed to be a secret, how could they suspend him? Either way he unmasks and Ross’ reaction of “It’s Ron Simmons” is almost funny it’s so anti-climactic.

We see Sting getting destroyed again.

The Horsemen are like yeah we’re awesome.

Ric Flair/Ole Anderson/Arn Anderson vs. Dragonmaster/Great Muta/Buzz Sawyer

The ones you haven’t heard of other than Muta is called the J-Tex Corporation and had been feuding with the Horsemen. They’re heel now though so this is heel vs. heel in a cage. Dragonmaster is a guy that was known as Kendo Nagasaki who you’ll hear of every once in awhile. There are more than one of him though so it might be a bit confusing.

Sawyer (that guy was NUTS) stars with Anderson. The fans are cheering for J-Tex, which would be like cheering for Vickie Guerrero today. The Horsemen hammer on Sawyer with Flair and he exchanging shots. Off to Ole as Cornette rants about Sting a lot. Dragonmaster hammers away and is cheered loudly. Muta comes in and the place pops HARD. He and Arn go at it and it’s handspring elbow time. And here’s Sting.

Sting charges the cage and the roof is blown off the place. He climbs up the side of it and hammers on Flair over the cage wall but is dragged down by security and other wrestlers. He gets up the aisle but charges again, this time not being able to get at Flair. Sting hops down as the match is more or less forgotten about. Sawyer misses a splash off the top of the cage and Sting appears to have hurt his leg. What wasn’t known at the time is that Sting had ripped some ligaments apart and wouldn’t wrestle for six months, meaning the title match was off. As for the match, everything breaks down and Arn pins Dragonmaster with a DDT.

Rating: D. Match sucked but it wasn’t the point at all. As I’d assume you figured out, Sting’s injury was the big deal here, as it completely changed the company and took all of the heat away from him because it was Luger that got the title shot and Flair held the title another six months instead of giving it to the young lion known as Sting. Either way, weak match to end a bad show.

Flair and Sting “fight” (remember Sting has one leg) in the aisle to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. Well Sting vs. Flair is made, but at the same time that match fell apart completely due to Flair’s egging him on for the second time there. Anyway, not a good show in the slightest but at the same time….yeah this was terrible. There’s no other way around it. The matches went on WAY too long and at the same time they weren’t that good. Weak show to put it mildly and I’m glad it’s over.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: June 11, 2001
Location: Richmond Coliseum, Richmond, Virginia
Commentators: Jim Ross, Paul Heyman

The Invasion rolls on tonight and we’re getting very close to the King of the Ring. After tonight there’s only one show left before the PPV so things should be heating up pretty well. Tonight has a pretty famous main event as it’s Benoit vs. Angle in a cage. Angle brings out the best in Benoit which is saying a lot so that should be good. Let’s get to it.

Here’s Regal to open the show to huge heat. He wants to know where all the sportsmanship and decency has gone. We get clips of Jericho “cheating” last week as Regal tries to spin things. He considered stepping down as commissioner but he believes in the power of good manners so he’ll stick with it, despite a loud Foley chant. Tonight, Jericho has to face Rhyno and Big Show at the same time. Benoit on the other hand, gets Angle inside a cage.

As for King of the Ring, just because Benoit and Jericho have both beaten Austin in tag matches, that doesn’t mean they’re going to be in the title match at King of the Ring. That may have been the case in former Commissionerships but….cue Foley. Foley admits that some tomfoolery went on while he was on the job. Actually it happened every day while he was Commissioner. They’re treating it like a medical disease. They have a battle of WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR VOICE and somehow that transitions into Foley was on the Tonight Show.

Speaking of Tonight, “right here tonight in Richmond, Virginia”, Foley has a special guest. Regal tries to get rid of Foley but Linda McMahon comes out to that rocking old school Wrestlemania theme. She’s been thinking about the King of the Ring and says the Canadians are worthy of title shots. As for what might be fair, what about Austin defends against both of them? If Austin beats the first one, he has to face the second one.

Regal asks if that’s fair and Linda says no, but she means not to the Canadians. If Benoit went first and won, then Jericho gets no shot. We get a clip from Smackdown of Austin saying he can beat Jericho and Benoit at the same time. Therefore, Mick called her and suggested…something that we have to wait for a Foley chant to end to hear. It’ll be a triple threat at King of the Ring. Linda says that what she and her lawyers want and Regal has to agree. Before they leave, Foley reminds Linda that Regal called her a deadbeat, giving us that awesome look that Linda does when her eyes bug out.

Edge is talking to Rhyno when Christian comes up. He thinks he’s been left out of the Already Advanced To The King Of The Ring Club. Christian whines that he has to fight Kane to get into the tournament.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Kane vs. Christian

Kane dominates him to start with the power game. Christian tries to use speed but gets kicked in the face. Top rope clothesline kills Christian but Edge breaks up the pin attempt. While Edge is being dealt with, Albert runs in and hits the Baldo Bomb as Christian steals the pin. He might have gotten in two shots before that.

Austin and Debra arrive and Linda and Foley meet them. Austin yells at her so Foley gets in his face. Steve yells into the window of their limo but Foley tells him about the title match and they drive off. That shut him up….kind of.

Foley was on the Tonight Show. That’s pretty awesome.

Hardy Boys vs. X-Factor

It’s Credible/Pac here. Jeff has won the Light Heavyweight Title on Smackdown. I don’t think anyone knew that title existed so it was kind of shocking to see. Matt vs. Pac gets us going and they speed things up. Jeff is in a sweatshirt which is too big for him. Matt gets sent to the floor where Justin takes his head off with a superkick. Matt gets beaten down for awhile but avoids the Bronco Buster. Justin misses a baseball slide as well as the post that his balls were supposed to hit. Hot tag to Jeff and house is cleaned. Jeff loads up the Swanton but Lita hits that perfect top rana and then the Swanton hits for the pin on Pac.

Rating: D+. Too short to be all that bad but it was nothing special. X-Factor never amounted to anything at all so it was nice to see them lose here. I don’t think they lasted much longer but Albert wound up win the IC Title in about two weeks. Nothing to see here but it wasn’t bad. Actually scratch that: Lita’s hurricanrana was, but that’s one of my favorites.

X-Factor beats them down post match, including a chair shot to Jeff.

Austin runs in to Regal’s office and yells A LOT. Hey dude, we know your name already. There goes the tea and Austin demands Regal face him like a man. Tajiri comes to Regal’s defense and that’s the last we’ll see of him for awhile.

Trish seems to flirt with Blackman before his match at King of the Ring with Saturn. This goes nowhere.

Jericho tells Benoit he’ll get the first shot if he wins. Benoit says Jericho will get the first shot.

Spike and Molly like each other. They’re in a six man tag tonight against each other. This is really awkward. They’re about as good at acting as Stephanie. Nothing is going to come between them but Bubba pulls Spike away from kissing her.

Austin yells at Vince and shouts c-o-n-spiracy! Austin gets in Vince’s face and then hugs him. He rubs his hand up Vince’s back as you do when you hug someone but has a mindless and kind of scary look on his face. Funny…..?

Chris Jericho vs. Rhyno/Big Show

Rhyno comes out first so Jericho goes after him as fast as he can. Jericho suplexes him and hits the springboard dropkick to put Show on the floor. Lionsault gets two but Show pulls him to the floor. The monsters have to tag. Rhyno beats on Jericho and rams him into Show’s boot. Another big boot puts Jericho down and the Canadian is in trouble. Jericho manages to knock Rhyno down but there’s too much Big Show. Chris does manage to send Show into Rhyno and hits a missile dropkick to Show. Rhyno breaks up the Walls (that’s a new one) and the chokeslam ends Jericho. Then Rhyno Gores Show and steals the pin.

Rating: D. This was exactly what you would expect: dominance by the monsters, a little comeback by Jericho, and then a win for the monsters. I don’t know what the point of this really was, other than the ending I guess, but it was nothing of interest either way. Jericho got dominated as you would expect. What’s the point?

Shane arrives and runs into Kane. Kane gets in Shane’s face and says he’ll take out Albert. Shane thanks Kane for saving him from Undertaker about the whole stalking thing. I really need to watch Smackdown to get the other half of these stories. Shane suggests Kurt might have something to do with it.

Rhyno says that’s the third win in a row over Jericho so if Jericho wins the title, he has to be #1 contender.

Jericho is getting looked at when Austin jumps him.

Here’s Kurt who has something to say. He makes fun of Richmond because that’s what heels do. Kurt brings up the Confederacy which is still a sore spot in the south. He brings up the whole reenactment of battles which the south lost. That’s a good point but I live in the south and I don’t want to listen to how the south will rise again from my family. Anyway, there’s a cage match tonight and how about it huh? His motto in life is that cheaters never win, and Benoit is a cheater.

We get the same video from last week where Kurt was inducted into the National Wrestling Hall of Fame. Angle calls himself the closest thing to a modern day superhero there is. And no, HE DOESN’T SUCK! He’ll use those powers to win back to back King of the Rings. He calls out Shane but gets Taker instead. He says word has it Kurt likes messing with other men’s wives. Kurt denies knowing anything about it. He met Sara once and didn’t find her attractive.

That earns him a Last Ride and we get a new video. The guy is at Taker’s home again but Sara isn’t there. Instead Sara is at a hotel where she’s been hidden from him. He’s growing tired of Taker’s games and steals some of Sara’s clothes. Using her lipstick, he writes I Know Where You Are on the mirror. Taker runs off and Shane pops up with an Angle Slam to Kurt.

Rock was at the MTV Movie Awards. This was before he was an actual mainstream star. Pink and Ben Stiller might know who he is.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Perry Saturn vs. Steve Blackman

Trish is with Blackman here. Perry is still loopy but once the match starts he’s fine. Go figure. Basic stuff to start and Blackman gets a spinebuster. Terri tries to interfere but Trish gets her down. Saturn grabs a crucifix for two. Dean interferes as well and the Moss Covered Three Handled Family Credenza ends Blackman. This was nothing.

Trish goes after Terri post match and Dean accidentally hits Saturn in the head with a kendo stick.

Austin is freaking out so Debra offers him carrots and broccoli. Austin very calmly: “I don’t want a carrot.” He eats some of it anyway while freaking out.

The male Hollies are warming up when Molly comes up and begs them to not hut Spike. They make fun of her for it and says the only way Spike survives is if Molly beats him.

Terri and Dean come in to see Regal and request a week off for Saturn. Regal says ok and Saturn comes in and says British people fight dragons so they don’t get all firey. He also debuts his catchphrase of You’re Welcome.

Dudley Boys vs. Hollies

Spike and Molly are in this one. Crash starts with Spike but Molly is brought in quickly. They don’t want to fight of course and are all afraid of it. Bubba is his usual awesome self: “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? PUNCH HER IN THE HEAD!” Molly takes him down by mistake and Hardcore tags himself in for the sake of the crowd not joining a drum circle. Crash goes up but gets crotched. Not hot tag brings in D-Von who hits What’s Up on Crash. It’s Table Time and Molly runs away from Bubba. In the ring the 3D ends Crash and we’re done.

Rating: D. Again nothing to see here but the whole thing was to set up the post match stuff which we’ll get to here in a minute. The Spike/Molly SHOWDOWN sucked and lasted about 15 seconds. This feud has run its course now and needs to end, which to be fair I think it more or less did after this.

Bubba and Hardcore go through the table (looked fake beyond believe) so Spike and Molly finally kiss. It got a BIG pop so at least there’s that.

The cage is lowered.

Update on HHH’s knee rehab. They test his range of motion.

Test is at WWF New York. He says Stephanie is a sl** and is really good friends with Shane. As for joining WCW, he might do that.

Here are all of the Austin segments from earlier in the show.

Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit

This is in a cage and Austin comes out to do commentary. Angle spears him down to start. You can win by pin, submission or escape here. Angle hits a quick suplex but the second is countered into a failed Crossface attempt. Benoit fires off chops and Angle is rammed into the cage. Kurt puts Benoit down with a gutwrench suplex and then a second. He goes to escape but Benoit climbs up to catch him. After a lot of pounding, the Canadian hits a German on the American off the top.

Benoit goes up again but misses, allowing Kurt to hit a top rope elbow for no cover again. JR keeps implying Austin is losing the title at the PPV while Heyman keeps trying to kiss Austin’s feet. A low blow and Angle Slam put Benoit down and Angle goes up. Here’s your famous moment of the match as Kurt goes up for a moonsault and totally misses it, nearly killing himself in the process. After the match Vince basically said do that again and you’re gone. It looked awesome though.

Angle looks out of it but he manages to send Benoit into the cage to keep him down. Benoit blocks another shot into the cage and hits three Rolling Germans. Angle escapes for a second and then makes it six total Germans. There are suplexes 7-9 and Angle looks dead. Benoit goes up top but Austin stops him by holding up a chair. These guys do know you can win by pin right?

Benoit is like I can out crazy you Kurt, and launches the Swan Dive off the top. JR says it was indescribable. Benoit dove off the top of the cage and hit Angle in the shoulder/chest with a flying headbutt. Sounds describable to me. Benoit goes for the door but Austin blocks it. Chris kicks the door open and into Austin’s face but Kurt grabs the ankle lock as he’s escaping. An enziguri puts Kurt down and Benoit goes to escape again, only for Austin to slam the door on his head. Well if he hadn’t stuck his head out like that, it wouldn’t have happened. Angle climbs out to win.

Rating: B+. Major gripes I have about this (we’ll get to those) aside, this was GREAT. Angle took a man’s beating here. Both guys got destroyed and while the Austin interference was obvious, I don’t get the point in having Benoit lose here. Again, we’ll get to why in a minute, but I really didn’t like the outcome of this.

Austin destroys Benoit with a chair post match.

Overall Rating: C-. The theme of this show was that Austin is running scared of Benoit and Jericho. That’s fine. However, why in the world did they need to have both Canadians lose? The problem with their push is that the only big win either of them has is Jericho over Austin due to an error by HHH and Benoit beat him in another tag. Was there ANY need to have Rhyno pin Jericho here? I mean…he’s Rhyno.

Same with Angle. Angle is a much bigger star than Rhyno and you could have given Benoit some main event credibility here by having that Swan Dive win it. Angle was feuding with no one at this point, unless you could Spike Dudley. By the end of the cage match, Angle had taken so much punishment that it wouldn’t have been a big deal if he had lost.

Look at Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga in a cage match building up to Orton vs. Hardy at the 08 Rumble. It’s the same thing but Jeff won with the Whisper in the Wind off the top. Same idea, but done right. I don’t get the booking here, but the Alliance threw it all out anyway so it doesn’t really matter. Next week: The Stalker Revealed.

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Thoughts on this?

My pick:Uncensored 1996 main event: Doomsday Cage Match.  This was the biggest mess you’ll ever see in wrestling.  There were three cages on top of a ring and the rules were mentioned like halfway into the match.  The pins didn’t matter, no one stayed in the ring, AND YOU COULDN”T SEE ANYTHING!  Just a huge mess and worth looking at so you can say “wow, this really happened.”

Your picks?

Bunkhouse Stampede
Date: January 24, 1988
Location: Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum, Uniondale, New York
Attendance: 6,000
Commentators: Bob Caudle, Jim Ross

This is a show I’ve been trying to track down for a long time. This is actually the second PPV for Jim Crockett (read as WCW) but the first on a full scale. Based on the success of Vince and everything he had accomplished, Crockett tried to take a shot at it as well. Back in 87, Crockett put up Starrcade 87 as his first PPV.

Vince made the Survivor Series on the same night and said to the cable companies that if they didn’t air Survivor Series, they wouldn’t get to air Wrestlemania IV. They caved, and Crockett got crushed. The companies more or less threatened Vince’s life after that, so here we are in January and Crockett’s second attempt at a national PPV.

Vince, being the jerk that he is, put on a free TV show the same night that featured a battle royal called the Royal Rumble. Needless to say, not a lot of people bought this show either. And looking at the card, why would you? There are four matches, with the final one being the show’s namesake: the Bunkhouse Stampede. It’s a battle royal in a cage. Now for those of you that think this makes no sense, YOU’RE RIGHT.

Oh but it gets better. To eliminate someone, you have to shove them out the door or thrown them out of the cage over the top. Take a guess as to A, who came up with it, B, who is in it, and C, who the clear winner is. We’ll get to that later. For now, let’s get this over with.

Now keep in mind: this is the first time a large portion of the country has seen or likely even heard of Jim Crockett Promotions. In other words, this is their national debut. Keep that in mind as you read some of this stuff.

The first thing we see is that the place is EMPTY. Yes, while the official attendance is listed as 6,000, most of them aren’t there yet. Why is that do you ask? Well, it could be because bell time was listed on the tickets at 8PM. The show started at 7PM. The PPV feed started at 6PM. See what I’m working with here?

NWA TV Title: Bobby Eaton vs. Nikita Koloff

Eaton is half of the Midnight Express, who are the US Tag Champions here. Koloff is a monster. In other words, this would be like Batista vs. Carlito. Koloff, the Russian evil man, is a face here due to Magnum TA’s car wreck. It was overly complicated but it was all they could do. Caudle was a good commentator that was underrated. Also, why is the TV Title being defended on a PPV?

They mention the contrast of styles before they make contact. I think Eaton’s mullet is alive. Surprisingly, Eaton has a gut on him. Naturally since there so many empty seats, we need to keep going to a wide shot. Sure why not. We get a LONG feeling out process as Cornette tries desperately to coach Bobby. Back in this era, he was the best in the world and had lapped everyone else at drawing heat as a manager.

We keep stalling as we’re about five minutes into this and the most exciting thing has been a hammerlock. Koloff works the arm as you can see a big Winston Cigarettes ad in the background. That’s just odd by today’s standard. Hey look at all those empty seats! Tony is your ring announcer who says we’re five minutes in with fifteen to go. I have a bad feeling about this.

They fight on the floor and the fans want to cheer for this. They really do. The referee looks like he’s about 80 years old. Cornette gets in an argument with the cameraman over following him. That’s kind of amusing. You can hear him yelling the whole match. Normally the AUDIENCE would drown him out but not here.

We hit the headlock again as this is just boring. The fans pop off a SLAM. See? The crowd wants to like this stuff but they can’t get into it because of far too high of a level of suck. More headlockage as this match sucks. We hit the floor again. Nothing of note happens other than Koloff taking over by posting him. Cornette is apparently waddling around the ring. Ten minutes down, ten to go.

Back in and Eaton is in control again. Now we go to a hammerlock. Seriously, half of this match has been them doing mat holds for like 4 minutes at a time. Eaton hits a missile dropkick for the first interesting move of the show so far. Ah never mind. Back to the hammerlock. Sorry, thought we were doing something interesting there for a minute. Didn’t mean to confuse anyone.

Koloff taps but that doesn’t mean anything for about 6 more years in America. Cornette runs through every insult he can think of in a 20 second period and it actually wakes me up for a bit. We’re still in the hammerlock mind you. Five minutes left. Jim truly is making this bearable with his yelling at Nikita. Of fifteen minutes, probably seven has been hammerlock. Four minutes left. HE BROKE THE HAMMERLOCK!

The Russian Sickle, his old finisher, hits and we’re at a standstill. Ah never mind, more hammerlock. We’re told Eaton does something awesome. Not that we saw it or anything as we were on a shot of some fans. Three minutes to go. Two minutes left. Nothing but hammerlock in between there. He breaks the hold again but that lasts all of 8 seconds as we HIT IT AGAIN. With a minute to go, he’s still cranking on the arm. Is he an Anderson in disguise?

You know, Eaton is stupid. The arm stuff doesn’t work for 15 minutes so he KEEPS DOING IT. Koloff just beats him up for a bit and lets the time run out. Yeah, that’s how it ends. He gets the tennis racket post match but Stan Lane comes in for the double beatdown. Koloff would lose the title TWO DAYS later to Mike Rotunda. Clearly they couldn’t put that on the PPV right?

Rating: F. Nu uh. No. This was not working. Seriously, over half of this was hammerlock. I was losing my mind with boredom here, but Cornette brought me back from the brink. This is how you open your PPV? Seriously? Awful excuse for a match if there has ever been one.

Jim and Bob analyze the match but a referee walks in front of them. Oh dear.

Western States Heritage Title: Larry Zbyszko vs. Barry Windham

This belt lasted for about a year and a half. The name is from the fact that it started in the UWF out of Tulsa. What you’re looking at here are the only two men to ever have the title. Keep in mind that the WESTERN STATES Title is being defended in New York. Larry is just as annoying looking as he used to be. Again, no reason for this to be on the card or anything. It’s just there.

Barry is champion here and Larry has Baby Doll, the original Diva for lack of a better term with him. She looked ok but good for the late 80s. Since it’s a Larry match, the required stall gets about two minutes. Since this is a PPV though, that’s just your initial stall. I’d bet on more coming. A headlock hits after about four minutes. The crowd is rather irritated after the last debacle of a match.

I was right: Larry is stalling. Apparently there’s a history here. Don’t worry about telling us what it is or anything. Windham has a bad knee. Why you ask? Eh not told that either. Why would you need to know anything unimportant like that? Larry tries a dropkick. WOW. Even Ross makes fun of it. Oh no. LARRY USES A HAMMERLOCK! AHHHHHH!!!

Windham gets a freaky looking rollup as Zbyszko is sitting on the mat and Windham wraps his legs around him from behind. He rolls over and gets a rollup for two. Cool looking move. Windham calls the referee a bastard when he’s asked if he gives up in a leg lock. Larry uses what we would call an ankle lock. Wow that’s weird to see in the 80s.

Windham goes up and misses an elbow off the top that looked awful. It looked like he just jumped and hoped it would have hit. Larry works on the knee, which at least is consistency, although he switches things up rather than just using the same hold. ARE YOU LISTENING BOBBY EATON? Again, WHY DO THESE TWO HATE EACH OTHER? It’s never been explained. Also, when did Larry learn karate?

In an impressive move, Larry has a headlock on and Barry hits a belly to back for the counter with one arm. Dang impressive looking. He then calls Baby Doll a witch. Barry goes for a suplex but his knee gives out and Larry crashes to the mat. Isn’t that the same thing as a regular suplex? We go to the floor (called the streets for no apparent reason by JR) as this is FAR better than the previous match. It still sucks, but it’s better I guess.

We’re fifteen minutes in according to Tony. See what happens when you do more than just hammerlocks? We’re getting covers and various other shots like that but it’s still Zbyszko and Windham. In other words, it’s pretty freaking boring. And on that note both guys fall down. Great. Just great.

Barry does six punches in the corner. Six? What the heck? Down goes the referee. That’s just what this match needed. Baby Doll’s shoe goes into Windham’s head for the pin. That’s the only title change in the belt’s history as it would be dropped in like a year with no one caring.

Rating: D-. This was boring, but to be fair this was light years ahead of the previous match. At the end of the day, Larry Zbyszko singles matches can only be so good. This wasn’t horrible, but NO ONE cared at all. At least we’re half done with the card.

NWA World Title: Ric Flair vs. Hawk

Ok, Hawk coming out to Ozzy and Iron Man….is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. It’s PERFECT for that team and worked really well. Flair is of course Flair and since it’s early 88, this should be good because he’s in it. People like talking about Shawn having great matches in the mid 90s, but Flair in the late 80s was able to take guys like Hawk and get good matches out of him. Let’s see if that’s the case here.

Wow it’s awesome seeing Dillon with Flair. The Big Gold Belt looks right on Flair. At the same time though, Hawk fighting for the world title? Really? Naturally, Flair can’t hurt him. Hawk…really can’t do much. That’s the only way to put it. He can’t do much. For the most part this is just Flair bumping like a mad man for Hawk to make him look believable. Ah and there’s a bearhug. At least that’s something you would expect. This has been ALL Hawk.

Ross says some of Flair’s chops are karate or judo chops. There’s something amusing about that. Hawk kicks him in the face which looked painful. He no sells an eye rake. Seriously? No selling an eye rake? Flair goes to his old standby, a low blow, to break things up. Why not use what works? They talk about how great Flair is. Isn’t that the truth? He’s fighting HAWK and we’re getting an ok match out of it. Let that sink in a bit.

Hawk hits his one offensive move, the neckbreaker, to pull things to even for a few seconds. Flair goes for the knee and hooks the Figure Four as we’re in pure 80s Flair formula. Think about it: how many times have you seen Flair do the following match? Flair gets beaten down by the face for awhile, Flair gets a shot, usually cheating, to take over, Flair does general offense before circling in on the knee, Figure Four, Figure Four is reversed, face makes the comeback, face is seconds away from his finisher, something goes wrong, Flair puts his feet on the ropes for the pin, or there’s a DQ.

See what I mean? It happens all the time and that for the most part is the Flair Formula. The thing is, while he did it so many times, he had VERY good matches because of it. He gets slammed off the top since it’s a Flair match, and here comes Hawk. And down goes the referee. Hawk clotheslines Flair over the ropes, which I’d bet is a DQ later on.

Hawk has been spent for about 10 minutes now. Hawk gets a top rope suplex and there’s STILL no referee. JJ pops him with a chair for no reaction at the 20 minute mark. Flair hits him with it and Hawk kicks out of that as the referee is finally back up. Flair hits him with the chair again for the cheap DQ. He gets beaten up again after the match.

Rating: C-. To say Flair carried this is an understatement. Hawk was nothing but a placeholder here as Flair did his thing out there. It came off ok but ONLY due to Flair. He plugged Hawk into his formula and sold like the master that he is out there. By FAR and away the best match of the night so far.

We now get the show’s credits to kill time as we’re setting up the cage. Literally, Bob Caudle is just reading the credits off for a few minutes.

For no apparent reason, we go over some of Zbyszko vs. Windham. I wouldn’t want to get to the main event either.

We go over the participants for the Bunkhouse Stampede, beginning with Dusty Rhodes. Not only did Dusty come up with this, but he won ALL FOUR OF THEM. The idea is you show up in your Bunkhouse clothes, meaning jeans and cowboy boots or whatever, because everyone wanted to be a cowboy. You could also bring weapons in.

The idea here was that you had to win another of these before to get into this final match. Fair enough. Idiotic, but fair enough. For some reason they keep saying it’s the 3rd annual but it’s the fourth. Ah ok we’re only talking about Dusty and throwing out a one liner about Luger. Got it.

Bunkhouse Stampede

Dusty Rhodes, Tully Blanchard, Ivan Koloff, The Warlord (wearing a Lifeguard shirt for no apparent reason), Arn Anderson, Lex Luger, The Barbarian, Animal.

Dusty gets a big entrance of course with all his accomplishments listed. Did I mention he was booking at the time? Seriously, ONLY DUSTY had anything listed about him, including the match he won to qualify here, his world title reigns, his US Title reigns, and his TV Title reigns. No one else got anything but their normal entrances. This could get bad fast. All eight are in there at once. There aren’t any weapons like promised or anything.

Remember, it’s a battle royal in a cage where you have to throw them over the ropes or through the door. My goodness this is idiotic. Apparently it’s unheard of for someone to win three straight Bunkhouse Stampedes. That could be because this is THE THIRD ONE! Wow Dusty lowered some IQs. Everyone is in some screwed up street clothes of some kind and this is just idiotic.

Apparently the referee has to determine if a guy goes over the cage or through the door, since that’s overly complicated I guess. Wow shoving people OVER A CAGE looks stupid. See, when it was a regular battle royal, IT MADE SENSE. Blanchard and Anderson work together of course. Barbarian, Warlord and Koloff are in the same stable mind you so they’ll likely work together. Koloff and Dusty climb the cage due to idiocy.

I’m watching people try to throw PEOPLE over a cage. Does that sound stupid to you or is it just me? How hard would it be to throw someone that is fighting back over a cage wall? Because to me, IT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE. Also, there are a lot of people walking around on the top ropes which is stupid too. No one is out or anything yet.

Arn saves himself from being thrown out the door as I realize how much this sounds like a really bad comedy sketch. Koloff is bleeding. Winner gets half a millon dollars. Not sure if I said that or not but I don’t want to stop the tape long enough to go back and read it. I feel sorry for Ross and Caudle trying to make this sound interesting or intense or whatever it’s supposed to be.

Luger and Dusty just go off as we’re supposed to believe that a guy that is built like Dusty is supposed to be in the same kind of condition as a stallion like Luger. Right. Oh yeah, and keep in mind this whole cowboy southern thing is in NEW YORK CITY. They continue to try to make this sound good and it’s just failing. Wow this was ten days before I was born and 12 before Hogan lost the world title to Andre. Holy crap that’s weird to think about.

Still no one out and we’re almost 15 minutes into this. It’s mainly just people in jeans hitting people with belts and boots. Yeah it’s riveting in case you can’t tell. Dusty’s arm is bleeding from being worked over with a belt. Make this stop please. Animal tries to shove Anderson over the top. I want to break this match.

Koloff, like an idiot, although at this time he’s one of two former world champions in there somehow, climbs over the cage to get away from Animal and gets knocked out to take us down to seven. Oh sweet mercy kill me now. So let’s just keep the camera on Koloff FOREVER as we see the EPIC DRAMA of him standing up. Animal and Warlord fight to the door and Warlord gets knocked to the door. Animal gets kicked in the head by Barbarian and it knocks both guys out in a stupid looking spot.

We have Dusty, Luger, Anderson, Blanchard and Barbarian left. Blanchard gets put in the Rack which at least hurts him. Some fan shouts about how gay this is. Thanks for that. Luger takes a Gourdbuster and the Horsemen try to throw him out. Since Luger didn’t have any gourds on him though, he was fine and stays in.

Anderson, Luger and Blanchard fight by the door and they all go out after like three minutes of fighting. Arn at one point stood on the third step and choked Luger. Yeah he deserved to lose. So we have Barbarian vs. Dusty. Any bets on who wins here? Barbarian gets some brass knuckles and pops Dusty with them. Barbarian hits like three of his top rope headbutt finishers but Dusty fights back baby!

They climb to the top rope for the epic move known as the OH MAN THIS MATCH MAKES NO SENSE SO LET’S CLIMB UP SO WE CAN HAVE A REASON TO GET THROWN OVER THE CAGE! Yep, Dusty wins by hitting the stupid elbow to the head and we’re done. Earl Hebner is the referee here but would be in WWF in 12 days for the famous twin angle. Dusty gets a big bronze cowboy boot. Give me a FREAKING BREAK!

We hear about Dusty was considering retiring before this but came back “for the people.” So he was about to leave and came back for the people. So apparently by coming back for the people, he just had to come up with a PPV for himself and put himself over in it. Sure why not.

Rating: F. There was a cage match with a battle royal going on. This was a MASSIVE love letter from Dusty to Dusty. This was all about getting him even FURTHER over and making things look even stupider. Somehow Dusty was the wildcard and the favorite at the same time. He’s US Champion already but was going to retire. I give up. Just a joke of a main event and a show.

Overall Rating: S. As in I’m shaking my head over how idiotic this was. A four match show with three title matches and the main event is supposed to be the big debut? REALLY? This was just horrible on so many levels that I don’t even know where to start. Dusty was more or less fired for this and Crockett sold out to Turner and WCW was officially born.

Just a boring show here with the best match being decent but WAY too long. The shortest match is over 19 minutes, but nothing here is any good. Horrible show and in contention for worst PPV ever. Oh and the lighting was the kind where you couldn’t see past the second row anywhere. Horrible.

Lockdown 2008
Date: April 13, 2008
Location: Tsongas Arena, Lowell, Massachusetts
Attendance: 5,500
Commentators: Don West, Mike Tenay

Lockdown very well may be the dumbest idea for a PPV that I’ve ever heard of in my life. Let’s think about this for a minute. For one thing, they’re actually putting matches like Gail Kim and ODB vs. Kong and Saed in there. That’s the biggest problem: so many of these matches flat out do not need to be inside a cage, which ties into the second problem: the matches that actually belong in the cage like Lethal Lockdown and Joe vs. Angle 19 or whatever it was are cheapened because weaker matches are in the cage as well.

As for matches tonight, TNA FINALLY is pulling the trigger on Joe, two years after they should have which means everything is all well and good. Other than that it’s of course Team Christian vs. Team Top Heel of the Month in Lethal Lockdown, their version of War Games. Let’s get to it.

Tenay says that tonight Joe’s life is on the line and that apparently all he knows is wrestling. Yeah TNA doesn’t get overdramatic at all. The video is about how EVIL, yes EVIL I say that steel is. They have a Latin prayer or something. TNA always went WAY too far with these things.

The fans are energetic if nothing else. JB and West are in the stands which is a cool idea I guess. It’s been done a million times but not in awhile.

X-Division Title: Jay Lethal vs. Johnny Devine vs. Shark Boy vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Consequences Creed vs. Curry Man

So the idea here is elimination but once you get down to two you have to get out of the cage. I always liked Curry Man. He was based off of a commercial that Daniels saw in India I believe. If nothing else you certainly remember him don’t you. Good night Devine is bland. He’s the X-Division traitor at the moment and hanging out with Team 3D. It went nowhere.

Creed is a guy that had his character completely changed as he started out like R-Truth was supposed to be and is now a total comedy character. Sonjay is Lethal and Socal Val’s best friend, so of course he would turn on them in like a month to take the title and Val. And this is the era of Stone Cold Shark Boy. This was so stupid I actually got headaches from it. Oh and Lethal is still Macho Man.

So we have a guy that would become Apollo Creed, a guy impersonating Steve Austin, a guy impersonating Macho Man, a guy as an Indian guru, a guy imitating an Indian curry commercial, and a guy named Johnny Devine that is bland . Does anyone else thing that this sounds like a bad parody instead of a match? Also note that it’s taken 11 minutes and 49 seconds for the first bell to ring.

Wait, they have to TAG? Dutt and Devine start as my head is hurting more and more here every second. One thing that TNA got very right with the cage matches: putting a hole in the cage to get camera shots with nothing barring the shot. Now we just get completely ridiculous with the spots. I mean they just don’t even try to make it seem like they aren’t totally planned out.

After Dutt saves Lethal he gets rolled up by Devine for the pin to begin the wedge between the two of them. Creed hits a bad DDT on Shark Boy after Curry Man messes up and he’s out. Something tells me this is supposed to be epic and it’s just failing completely. We go back to nothing but big spots that are completely insane but make for good TV when you don’t think too hard about them.

After a dive off the top of the very tall cage that should have killed him, Curry Man hits a Burning Hammer which is called the Spice Rack to put Creed out. Devine, the idiot that he is, breaks up the pin on Lethal to hit the Devine Intervention, a double underhook piledriver, on Curry Man to get us down to one on one under elimination rules. Devine puts him down but Dutt won’t let him go through the door. What a great face move to do there. And Lethal dives out the door to win. That was just stupid for an ending.

Rating: C-. Well, considering what they were going for with the opener here, this was ok. The spots were RIDICULOUS looking though and I hated the ending. You could see Dutt getting ticked off slowly but surely and the feud was coming soon. It sucked too.

Frank Trigg is in the back and says that both guys are getting ready. Good to know. The problem here is that Trigg might as well be Angle’s twin. He had an ok TV presence but they went a bit stupid here by trying to make this an MMA fight when it was a wrestling match. To be fair though, this was a good idea to have a legit MMA guy come in and give an analysis here.

Roxxi vs. Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky vs. Salinas vs. Rhaka Khan vs. Traci vs. Christy vs. Jacqueline

Yep 8 knockouts in a single cage is JUST fine. I still think Christy Hemme is a robot. No human can look that good. Has ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE, ever cared about Jackie? EVER? Traci Brooks comes out to Aerosmith’s Rag Doll. I hardly ever notice those things. Somehow the rules are as follows: you fight on the floor and the first two INSIDE the cage have a one on one match. Could this be any stupider?

So wait, the idea of this show is that every match is INSIDE the cage right? I’m not confused on that am I? And after about 2 minutes Love and Roxxi get in with ease. The match is about three minutes long and while it’s ok, that’s just it: it’s ok. It’s not particularly good or bad. It’s just ok. I think this one gets the it’s just there rating, as there’s nothing to talk about here and it’s hardly bad either. Roxxi gets a shot at Kong for this which she wouldn’t win.

Rating: F. It’s failing for just being stupid. At a show about cages, there was a match outside a cage where the point was to get into the cage. In what wrestling universe does that even begin to make sense in?

Lauren makes her TNA debut here and GOOD FREAKING NIGHT she looks amazing. She looks like Jenny McCarthy back when McCarthy looked hot. Joe says he’s not retiring. No really? Apparently Joe will sacrifice his life to be champion. Again, TONE IT DOWN.

Kip James (Billy Gunn) cuts the most cue card based promo that I’ve ever heard about being an animal in a cage.

BG James (Road Dogg) says he’s coming for James.

BG James vs. Kip James

Seriously, how has this match not happened before? This started as Roadie won a tag title shot in Feast or Fired and had his 60+ year old father be his partner of all things. No one bought it and this is what it was setting up. This should have been the finals of the 99 KOTR but that would have made sense so there we go. Billy breaks out a Diamond Cutter of all things to counter the punches of Roadie. Sorry, I refuse to call him Kip James.

Roadie is easier to type than BG James also, even though that really is closer than Jesse James. The problem with this whole PPV shows up again: while this could actually be a decent feud/match, the first match of it simply doesn’t belong in a cage as it’s just a regular match but in a cage. A Fameasser gets two and then a low blow has both guys down.

Naturally the finish sucks: Billy stomps his foot three times before going for a splash which misses and Roadie rolls him up for the pin. They do the reunion for about two seconds and Kip does the heel turn which no one cares about but of course it’s evil and no one saw it coming. After a bad and short feud with Matt Morgan, Billy would be Cute Kip to just end any shred of credibility he had.

Rating: D-. What was the point of this again? Actually that’s not a fair question. This match actually had a point. However, giving them seven minutes in a pointless cage match is just freaking stupid by TNA as they throw away a potentially kind of big match with no time and a terrible finish. Makes sense at least.

Angle says he wanted to come to TNA to fight Joe. And he did: this is match number 5. Angle looks like he’s under 200lbs here. Oh and it’s personal here.

Rock N Rave Infection vs. MCMG vs. Eric Young/Kaz vs. LAX vs. Scott Steiner/Petey Williams vs. Black Reign/Rellik

This is Cuffed in the Cage: all 12 in the match at once and it’s elimination by being cuffed to a rope, last man standing gets his team a shot at the tag titles at a future date. Reign and Rellik (Killer backwards. Clever huh?) beat up Eric backstage before they can come out. The entrances take a few hours or so. Oh and Black Reign (Goldust but a cheap knockoff that no one bought) and Killer are supposed to be monsters. This is idiotic.

How in the WORLD have the Guns not been tag champions yet? There are two sets of tag titles in TNA (don’t even get me started on how freaking stupid that is) and they can’t get one of them. That’s just stupid. Oh LAX already have a title shot, so they’re getting a chance to get a second one here, because it would make NO SENSE to take two people out of here to, oh I don’t know, unclutter the stupid thing a tiny bit???

This was back when Petey was Maple Leaf Muscle, as in a tiny version of Steiner. Is this supposed to be Mexico or something? Steiner just beats the heck out of everyone until LAX takes him down. About four people get him cuffed to eliminate him. What would be smart here? Perhaps having him leave? Nope, that would make too much sense, so he just stays in the cage cuffed to the cage. Someone was actually paid to think of this. That’s just sad.

Young comes down and gets scared by the monsters. You can’t tell a thing that’s going on because THERE ARE ELEVEN PEOPLE IN THERE AT ONCE. Sabin and Shelley get cuffed at the same time. Petey is put out and I just couldn’t care less. The problem here is that you get some decent stuff and spots but there are just so many people in there and the camera jumps around so much that you can’t tell a stupid thing at all. LAX are both out.

Kaz is out as we have Killer and Rock N Rave and Black Reign left. The fans already get the idea as they chant Super Eric. The idea is this: Eric Young puts on a shirt, a mask and a cape and all of a sudden he’s not scared anymore and is a tough fighter. This is making me lose intelligence very rapidly. He does a HUGE dive off the top of the cage to put four guys down. Ok that was pretty cool looking. Hoyt (Vance Archer) is put out.

The other problem becomes that no one can move anywhere as there are people on so many parts of the cage. Oh Jimmy Rave is out too. Young gets the two monsters to win the thing. To further drain my intelligence, here’s how this played out. Eric and Kaz won the tag titles (why they’re not being defended here and why the X Title isn’t being defended here is beyond me.

Tomko and AJ FREAKING STYLES were the tag champions, yet they’re not on the PPV. Upon further review they’re in the Lethal Lockdown match so that makes it a bit better) at the next Impact but because Super Eric wasn’t the guy Kaz entered the match with they didn’t get the titles.

Instead they were held up and a whole PPV, Sacrifice, was dedicated to getting new champions with LAX and 3D fighting in the finals of the Deuces Wild tag tournament where you had random partners fighting established teams but the random partners WON NO MATCHES. THIS WAS PRAISED by TNA fans. They thought this was a good idea.

Rating: F-. This was just so freaking stupid that I can’t believe it exists. Seriously, TWELVE PEOPLE in the cage at once and you handcuff them to eliminate them. I wanted wrestling, not some screwed up sex fantasy that even Vince McMahon would say slow down when offered. Seriously, screw Dave Meltzer. He said that Edge vs. HHH vs. Kozlov was worse than this? Dave is a brilliant guy, but his anti-WWE bias gets out of hands at times.

And we go to Samoa Joe’s family who are dressed in “traditional” clothing. This makes my head hurt. Yes because Samoans apparently have no idea of what the modern world is like and they all wear grass for clothing. If nothing else though, Lauren is entering Hemme territory in hotness.

We recap the Knockouts tag match which again doesn’t belong in a cage match.

Gail Kim/ODB vs. Awesome Kong/Raisha Saeed

Please…make it quick. Don’t get me wrong, three of the four here are very talented, but WHY IS THIS IN A CAGE? You can’t just call it a grudge match and make it interesting. I get the feud here, and it should be a decent match, but the cage is just freaking pointless here. Kong and ODB start us off. Both of the faces want Saeed for some reason that isn’t covered at all because that would be too helpful.

Oh apparently she’s cost both faces the title which Kong holds. I found that online, not from here of course. She’s more commonly known as Cheerleader Melissa, who is amazingly talented and very good looking as well. Kong rams Kim’s head into the cage to turn the tide. Kong hasn’t actually been in the match yet by the way. Dang it how do I time these things so well?

She beats the living tar out of Kim who is half dead already. And Kong is already out again. ODB comes in to clean house as she was being pushed very hard around this time. Naturally nothing ever came of it as they had Kong beat her anyway. Everyone is in now and the referee says nothing, meaning they never needed to tag at all. Gail gets a SWEET hurricanrana from the top of the cage. Kong accidentally knocks the heck out of Saeed and a splash from ODB ends it.

Rating: D+. The match was indeed fine, but there was no point to having this on PPV. It’s ok, but it’s just ok, and that’s the problem here. Why should I pay money to see this? Nothing was accomplished as Roxxi had the title shot next and Kong wasn’t even involved in the pin. The wrestling is fine and even good at times, but why is this on PPV is what I want to know.

Karen Angle is here and it’s no shock now that Jarrett slept with her. She supports Kurt.

We take a SPECIAL look at Booker vs. Robert Roode. Why is it special? We’re never told but we know it’s SPECIAL. Roode makes a great point: he keeps moving up the charts and someone from WWE kept showing up and instantly being handed a push. He’s absolutely right. The feud is over Roode accidentally hitting Sharmell, and no one would want that of course.

The announce guy calls this a towering inferno of rage. Do I even need to make fun of this? Naturally it’s a mixed tag instead of one on one, because Booker was so nervous about his wife being hurt that he has her in a match here. Oh and it was a punch heard around the world. It wasn’t even heard around Wrestlezone.

Peyton Banks/Robert Roode vs. Booker T/Sharmell

They don’t even try to hide the theme music being a rip off here. Ok so the match is now over and I have the same complaints I had for the previous match: why is this in a cage and why is this on PPV? Literally, the girls are in there for 30 seconds total as it’s all Booker vs. Roode and then Sharmell is tagged in and rolls up Banks for the pin.

It’s just Booker vs. Roode again in a feud that went on for like 6 months and no one really cared about it. I mean the match is ok, but again that’s just it: it’s just ok. Why should I want to pay my money to watch this show? I can’t think of a reason to do so. Roode leaves Banks in the ring and goes back on his own.

Rating: D. This was the same thing as the previous match but the previous one had better wrestling in it. This is the big problem that the company has with this show and I’ve said it a dozen times now I think: not every match needs to be in a cage. It’s complete overkill and makes no sense at all, and that’s what’s going on here. If this was a regular match, it’s probably a C or so.

We go to the gorgeous Lauren who is with Marcus Davis who trained Joe for the fight. Again, I get the idea, but this is wrestling, not MMA.

We look at Lethal Lockdown. The rules are just like WarGames but with one ring and after the last person comes in the roof comes down and there are weapons attached, and only then can you win the match. It’s kind of a nice twist but this needs to be 3 on 3 and not 5 on 5 as one ring is just too much. Oh and you can win by pin. That’s fine.

Team Cage vs. Team Tomko

Christian, Nash, Sting, Rhino, Matt Morgan
Tomko, Bubba, D-Von, AJ Styles, James Storm

Remember that AJ is a comedy heel here so the talent is a bit one sided. Christian and AJ start as the smarks explode. Tomko teases being number one for his team but he sends AJ in instead. Now remember they’re going for five minutes and then after the coin toss whoever wins will have a two minute advantage and after that two minutes the losing team makes it 2-2.

That continues until all ten are in. Ten men are WAY too many but I love me some WarGames so this is fun. The heel team of course wins to continue the tradition. AJ is freaking amazing. He might be better at this point than he is now if you can believe that. AJ is dominating here and we have another heel coming. What is our future ECW Champion going to do???

Christian takes over for a bit but we get back to even as Brother Ray comes out. One of the beauties of this match is that you have seventeen minutes at least of wrestling before you get to the finale of the match. It’s a nice little break from those never ending matches that get rather boring.

Ray wears a Yankees jersey and remember we’re just outside of Boston (those teams hate each other for you non baseball fans). And Ray uses a Boston Crab. That’s just amusing. Rhyno ties us up. Didn’t they hate each other for like ever? The clock is ten kinds of messed up now so it’s anyone’s guess how close they get to the right time. James Storm comes out maybe a minute and twenty seconds later. He’s got Jackie with him. Yeah I don’t care either.

He and Roode would hook up soon. For no explainable reason AJ climbs the cage and he and Christian fight on the top but Christian climbs down on the outside and gets knocked to the floor. Nash ties it up but Christian is still on the floor. He launches an AWESOME high cross body to Bubba and Storm. That was sweet looking. D-Von comes in after maybe a minute.

The clock is completely insane, but I can’t criticize it as the Royal Rumble is never anywhere close. I never remember a team that turns face or heel faster than 3D. I like the booking here as they’re letting the heels dominate when they’re way behind in talent but the booking is realistic. Matt Morgan comes in next and he’s as green as possible. He had been Cornette’s bodyguard forever but never got in the ring until here. We know it’s Tomko and Sting left so that’s no mystery.

There’s a lot of laying around here but you have to do that in a sense here as there are just too many people in there. AJ and Matt hook up for awhile which is a PPV main event someday if they quit messing around with Morgan. Oh that’s right: we need to have Hogan’s boys in the main event. Christian and Tomko go at it as the two captains which is always interesting.

D-Von is bleeding pretty well. The fans want Sting. Everyone stops to meet Sting but he pulls a 96 WarGames and beats them all up by himself. In a cool spot, Sting throws AJ up like for a back body drop but just kicks him in the balls instead. The roof with the weapons is lowered. Everybody grabs one as they have them on the roof too. Yeah they’re not even bothering trying to hide that they’re going up there.

Oh ok there’s a trap door so it’s more obvious. I kind of like that. Storm and Christian go up there which unclutters the ring a bit as it badly needs. There’s a bit hole in the roof which is kind of a cool visual. Nash and Morgan do a double chokeslam on 3D. AJ grabs a kendo stick and just massacres people with it. We have a table on the roof and AJ heads up there too so there are three up there and seven in the ring. AJ sets up a ladder ON TOP OF THE CAGE. Once he climbs it, he might be higher up than on top of the HIAC. I’m pretty sure he is.

As someone afraid of heights, that’s scary to me. Christian climbs up too and Storm shoves the ladder over. Nothing at all is happening in the cage mind you. They couldn’t have gone any further without a potential serious injury. And then Rhyno gores Storm for the pin. What the heck was that???? It’s like they ran out of time all of a sudden and said go home NOW.

Rating: B-. That’s mainly for the bad ending. There was no big dramatic moment or anything and they just had the Gore for the pin. I’m not wild on that at all. The ten people are just WAY too many for one ring. This should have been 3-3 or so and nothing more. Actually 4-4 could work. There were also far too many dead spots too.

This is definitely a good idea but it needs a lot of tweaking with the main thing being an adjustment to the amount of people. I’m probably shortchanging this a bit, but there were too many people and too much laying around doing nothing because of the confined space. The two ring, 8 man matches were always, well at least almost always, awesome because they found that balance. If TNA can do that then these matches go WAY up in value.

We recap the Angle/Joe feud. Let me make this clear: counting the intros, this takes over 12 minutes. That’s not counting the JB intros where he says who each guy is. Counting that we hit 15 minutes. It is 18 minutes from the end of Lethal Lockdown to the start of this match. That’s just ridiculous.

TNA World Title: Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe

Now the first thing you notice is that this is more or less designed as a half MMA fight and half wrestling match. Now I get the idea here as they want to spread out the audience, but this isn’t something I can get into. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, but it’s just not the greatest idea in the world to me. It’s new though so I have to give them credit for not just doing the same match.

They use a lot of MMA techniques and it’s actually working pretty well. They have Frank Trigg on commentary which is a good idea as he offers a perspective that we wouldn’t usually get, much like Tenay used to do with the cruiserweights in WCW. This is about seventeen minutes of primarily submission based stuff and while it’s not my style, it’s certainly great stuff.

You can tell there’s been a lot of training done for both guys to incorporate a lot of new submissions. In a CREEPY moment, Joe gets a crossface on Angle and the fans chant Joe’s gonna kill you. I don’t think it was intentional or anything, but that’s rather chilling. After a ton of submission attempts, and I mean at least 12 apiece, Joe hits the Muscle Buster to get the pin. Massive posing and celebrating ends the show.

Rating: A-. That might be a bit high but after what I went through with the idiocy earlier, this was gold for me. It’s a completely different style but it worked exactly like they wanted it to so I can’t complain at all. This was named match of the year in TNA and I can buy that.

I’m glad this was a one off thing though as it’s not something I’d want to become the norm. Either way, this was a great way to put the belt on Joe, but because it came two freaking years too late, no one cared and he was a boring champion.

Overall Rating: D. Well, the two main events were really good, but that’s all this show has going for it. The all cage thing is just not a good idea at all. The last two matches belong in a cage and by having another I believe 6 matches before that, it just makes the last two seem weak.

If you take away the cage earlier for everything other than maybe the X match, then this is easily a C+ or so. The matches are ok, but the Women’s match and the tag match were just so freaking STUPID. What was the point of those gimmicks? Anyway, this was a bad idea but if tweaked could turn into a much better one. Show sucked for the most part though. Get Joe/Angle and the Lethal Lockdown if you’re very bored, but you’ll be better off with an old WarGames match. Other than that, not worth it.

Smackdown
Date: March 18, 2011
Location: Sprint Center, Kansas City, Missouri
Commentators: Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, Booker T

Tonight we have another Edge and Christian reunion, but this time they get a shot at the Corre and the tag titles.  I really hope they don’t go with the switch here as it means the Corre gets them back in a screwy finish later, making them 4 time tag champions.  This is what people talk about when they say the titles have been devalued over the years.  Other than that there isn’t much to talk about.  Let’s get to it.

I don’t know my enemy this week.  I think TNA’s enemy is wrestling though after having less than nine and a half minutes of it on their show last night.

Wait now Big Show and Kane get the title shot?  They completely changed that from Monday.  I’m sure they said Edge and Christian got the shot.  Well at least they told us early.  That….helps kind of I guess.

Cole has his box made and here he comes to Burn It To The Ground.

Edge vs. Brodus Clay

Big pop for Edge but the pyro doesn’t go off for some reason.  Del Rio and Ricardo are with Clay here.  Edge has to stick and move here but he jumps into the T-Bone overhead suplex to shift the momentum.  Brodus works the arm and even adds an old school Heart Punch.  Tornado DDT by Edge doesn’t work and a clothesline takes him down.  The splash misses but Edge can’t get the Edgecution

A top rope cross body puts Brodus down and tries a sunset flip.  Clay uses the old school counter of just sits down on him.  I’ve always loved that counter and it gets two here.  The Umaga hips to the head in the corner misses and here comes the spear.  Ricardo distracts the referee and Del Rio grabs Edge’s foot so that Brodus can run him over for two.  The crowd is into this.  Christian comes out to even the odds and the distraction is enough for Edge to hit the spear on Clay for the pin at 5:08.

Rating: C+. This is what we need more of on Fridays.  It wasn’t anything great but little five minute matches like these are long enough to get into but not long enough to get bored with.  Edge looks good, Clay gets to show off a bit, and the storyline keeps going.  What more can you ask for in just over five minutes?

Del Rio and Christian brawl post match until referees break it up.  Teddy comes out to make the obvious main event, but it’s in a steel cage.  That’s much better than the tin foil cage I guess.

Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston

You mean Kofi has another meaningless match with no particular reason to it happening?  I’m STUNNED.  Sheamus grabs the arm to start as Booker questions Kofi’s decision to take this match.  Cole gets on Booker for it as Kofi gets his jumping punches in the corner.  That results in him taking a hot shot into the corner for two.  Neckbreaker gets the same.  Sheamus hits a running elbow and tries another neckbreaker which is reversed into a rollup for two.

Sheamus rolls through the top rope cross body but his powerslam attempt is reversed into some strikes by Kofi.  Then African/Jamaican hits the Irishman with a Russian leg sweep for two.  Boom Drop takes too long and Sheamus I think pokes him in the eye to take over.  SOS gets two and it looked like Sheamus got his head rocked a bit on that.

Out to the floor we go with Kofi being all fired up.  Kofi comes after him so Sheamus kicks the steps into knee of Kofi to send him down again.  Back inside and the Brogue Kick ends this clean at 5:15.  When is the last time Kofi actually won a match?  I actually can’t remember at all.

Rating: B-. Another solid match here that gives us some wrestling to fill out the show.  You have two upper midcard guys going at it and you get a decent TV match out of it.  I’ve long since thought the key to having a solid show at times is just to go out and wrestle.  If you’re having issues, do that and it’ll get fixed.  Smackdown has been lacking a bit lately but the first half hour or so have my attention so far.

We recap Kane/Show vs. Corre which is freaking dull.  Show and Kane want to put their differences aside.  Show reminds Kane of how they dominated as tag champions and says they should do it again.  Kane grabs him by the throat and Show does the same to Kane.  They both laugh and Kane says Show completes him.  At least there aren’t any cheerleaders to take them down this time.

Trent Barreta vs. Cody Rhodes

New music for Cody this week.  He also has a towel over his head tonight.  Cole talks about having breakfast with Cody this morning and Cody being treated badly because of his looks now.  Rhodes is in street clothes again and we’re in a squash people.  Cody gets a headbutt with the mask and Trent is in trouble.  Another headbutt and we’re done in 48 seconds.

We get a clip of Christian being injured by Del Rio.

Shawn talks about Undertaker to waste a few minutes.  Same video from Raw.

Layla vs. Kelly Kelly

Well at least we get to see Kelly in those shorts.  Michelle is on commentary and makes fun of Snooki for doing nothing.  I guess we’re continuing with the Paris Hilton stuff.  Kelly gets the headscissors over the ropes and a Thesz Press to hammer away.  Why do so many people use that anymore?  Handspring elbow runs into two feet in the corner to give Layla control.  Kelly gets on the middle rope and Michelle yells at her.  The distraction is enough for Layla to pull her off the rope and pin her at 2:10.

Tag Titles: Big Show/Kane vs. Heath Slater/Justin Gabriel

Gabriel and Kane start us off and guess how that goes for the champion to start here.  Off to Slater who runs in and gets knocked down with one punch.  Side slam gets two.  Slater gets a dropkick to the knee and it’s off to Gabriel again.  Ok make that Slater as the champion are tagging in and out very quickly.  Gabriel jumps  into an uppercut and down he goes.  Off to Show and the beating continues.  Chokeslam to Slater but Gabriel pulls the referee out for the DQ at 2:43.  Is anyone really surprised here?

Jackson and Barrett come in to stop a worse beating post match.  Barrett actually hits Wasteland on Show.  They beat down Kane also.  The steps are put on Kane and the other steps are dropped onto the steps onto Kane.  The table is taken apart a bit and is dropped on Show.  The big guys are left laying here.  Cole tries to play this off as big and epic but it wasn’t for the most part.

Del Rio says everyone is trying to interfere with his destiny.  He’s not an animal.

Jack Swagger vs. Chris Masters

No entrance for Masters so what do you expect here?  We get clips from Raw with Ross and Lawler getting beaten down.  The hold Swagger taught Cole is the An-Cole Lock.  I give up.  Swagger works on the arm but takes a Samoan Drop.  Full Nelson is blocked by ramming Chris into the corner.  Ankle lock is reversed also and Swagger hits the floor.  He pulls Masters down though and wraps the leg around the post.  Ankle lock ends it at 1:56.

Post match Cole comes in and puts the ankle lock on Masters also.  Cole shouts COME ON LAWLER and does Swagger’s run around the ring.

WWE Rewind is the Dusty/Cody/Rey segment from three weeks ago.

Rey Mysterio vs. Ted DiBiase

Maryse is called Ted’s on again/off again girlfriend.  That would hint towards her face actions on NXT which is good I think.  Shame she’s not in camouflage though.  Rey tries his speed stuff so DiBiase hammers away on him.  Rey tries coming off the middle rope but jumps into a dropkick for two.  The following clothesline gets two.  Off to the chinlock now as Rey hasn’t been on offense at all here.

A couple knees to the back have Rey in trouble again.  Rey tries a headscissors and spins into what I think was a DDT.  Some ranas by Rey with the second one being countered into a reverse powerbomb.  That’s a great finisher for someone to use.  Dream Street is countered into the 619 position.  That and the top rope splash ends it at 3:35.

Rating: C-. Just a TV match here but nothing very interesting.  DiBiase is flat out boring and there was no threat at all to Rey here.  Granted I don’t think there was supposed to be so I guess that was the point.  Pretty bland match here that doesn’t really tell us anything we didn’t already know.

Maryse leaves without DiBiase.

We get a clip of the Edge/Christian/Alberto stuff from Elimination Chamber.

We see the Snooki stuff from Raw.  I can’t stand that show and people like her (meaning people that have no talent yet are millionaires for being loud or getting drunk).

We run down the Mania card.  I can’t believe it but there’s no long video from Raw.

The cage is lowered.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian

Lot of time for this too.  No word on how you can win here so I’d assume pin, submission and escape.  Christian is all ticked off here.  Josh confirms that you can win through those three ways.  Killswitch is blocked early on.  The announcers are really playing up this being the first cage match for Alberto.  He tries to get out but Christian stops him and they fight on the top rope for a bit.  German off the top doesn’t work for Alberto but the visual was awesome.

Christian tries to get out but Del Rio hits a vertical suplex from the top of the cage.  Not quite Hogan/Boss Man but not bad.  With both guys down we take a break.  Back with Del Rio hammering away and sending a charging Christian into the cage.  Alberto gets two and we hit the chinlock.  After slamming Christian’s head into the mat, Del Rio goes up.

Christian grabs the leg and Alberto hits the top rope throat first.  He blocks being rammed into the cage and a reverse DDT gets two.  Del Rio is sent into the cage for two.  Christian goes up and gets knocked back down.  The running enziguri in the corner takes Christian down for two and Alberto tries to leave.  His torso gets out but Christian makes a diving save.

Del Rio sets up the cross armbreaker but it’s reversed into the Killswitch for two.  I would have bet on that being the finish.  Christian goes up again and one more time Del Rio kicks him down.  Christian is hung over the ropes so Alberto uses him as a stepping stone tos tart his climb.  That was rather awesome.

Why is it that every time someone gets to the top they become as slow as a slow Christmas?  Anyway it happens here to Alberto and Christian catches him.  They sit on the top of the cage and slug it out with Christian getting his head slammed into the cage.  Christian climbs down over Del Rio and Alberto kicks at him, knocking him down and giving Christian the win at 9:35 shown of 13:05.  Good ending.

Rating: B. Good stuff here with the false finish and the ending making this work rather well.  The problem with cage matches tends to be that the endings are basic, which is why shifting this one to something different helps a lot.  I liked this match and it got better as it went.  Good stuff.

Post match Alberto beats down Christian and says he’s going to be to Christian what he’s going to do to Edge at Wrestlemania.  He’s interrupted by a horn honking and Edge is in the car.  Edge talks about how nice it is and how much of a shame it would be if something were to happen to it.  He pulls a chair out of the passenger seat but Brodus pops up to drill Edge.  The double beatdown ensues and it’s a Conchairto to the arm.  Edge is in a lot of pain as we go off the air.

Overall Rating: A. Now THIS is how you do it!  In a two hour show we got 8 matches with about 30 minutes of action overall.  That’s the difference between having a lot of wrestling and pacing what you have.  This didn’t have a ton of wrestling, but they paced it out to make it seem like they did.  Instead of one match in an hour and fifteen minutes and then 3 matches in 45 minutes, there was a steady stream of them all night and it’s a MUCH more entertaining show.  Far better here than in previous weeks and a great show overall.  I’m well pleased.

Results

Edge b. Brodus Clay – Spear

Sheamus b. Kofi Kingston – Brogue Kick

Cody Rhodes b. Trent Barreta – Headbutt

Layla b. Kelly Kelly – Pin after pulling Kelly off the middle rope

Big Show/Kane b. Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater via DQ when Gabriel pulled the referee out

Jack Swagger b. Chris Masters – Ankle Lock

Rey Mysterio b. Ted DiBiase – Top rope splash

Christian b. Alberto Del Rio – Christian escaped the cage

In Your House 27: St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
Date: February 14, 1999
Location: The Pyramid, Memphis, Tennessee
Attendance: 19,028
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole

Well, the Rumble has come and gone and therefore the Road to Wrestlemania has officially begun. I remember that night as my father’s piece of crap car died on the interstate coming home and I couldn’t see the show. Anyway, two major events happened there. One was the famous I Quit match where Rock went much farther than was agreed to when he hit a handcuffed Foley about 12 times in the head with a chair after saying he’d only do it 3 times.

A record of Foley’s voice from earlier in the night was played to say that he quit, therefore giving Rock the title. How did Mankind get the title you ask? I would show you but freaking WWE has put a copyright claim on something 10 years old that was on free TV in the first place since they’re afraid people will see it and know what an emotional moment is like. Anyway, it was a lumberjack match with Rock and Mankind where the Corporation and DX were at ringside.

Austin ran out and hit Rock with a chair to give Mankind his first title. The other big thing that happened at the Rumble was Vince won it by last eliminating Austin in what very well may have been the worst Rumble of all time with Austin and McMahon coming in 1-2 and then Austin being “in the hospital” for most of the match. That’ll get a review of its own in January but let me make this clear: it sucked.

Anyway, Vince wins but says he won’t fight Rock at Wrestlemania since he just doesn’t want to. Apparently that’s illegal so he has to defend it here in a cage match with Austin or Austin gets it anyway. That…kind of makes sense I suppose. I don’t remember anything from this show other than the cage match, so let’s see how much it sucks.

Odd intro as we have almost an old school film looking thing of Austin and McMahon’s feud. It looks like a Marx Brothers show. Anyway, there’s also Mankind vs. Rock in a last man standing match so at least we almost have a double main event. They try to make it sound like all of these matches are the end to the feud which is just funny. Lawler is of course wildly popular.

Goldust vs. Blue Meanie

His name is Bluedust for the night now. If you’re looking for a point to this, you’re a freaking moron. Same music for both guys and Meanie weighs 323lbs. Hokey smoke. We get a recap of the “feud” which partially consists of Meanie wearing nothing but a bunch of grapes and Goldust getting covered in blue paint. This is mind numbingly stupid. They brawl or at least I think they do.

Meanie grinds over Goldust and gets spanked for it. Dusty must be so proud. Somehow Meanie has gained 27 pounds during the match as he’s the 350lb man when he goes for a moonsault but he’s listed at 323 during the introductions. That says so much about how much they cared about his character doesn’t it? After he misses that, he gets the Curtain Call like it’s nothing at all. Goldust does Shattered Dreams afterwards to a big pop. Teddy Long was your referee here.

Rating: F. This was one of the dumbest things I have ever seen. It went three minutes, no one was interested in it, and it made no sense. Why were they fighting, what’s Meanie’s deal, and who booked this crap? None of those were ever answered which I think is a good thing for all parties involved.

McMahon spit on Austin on Heat.

Hardcore Title: Al Snow vs. Bob Holly

Belt is vacant for no apparent reason. Oh Road Dogg is hurt. Makes sense I suppose. They’re not in the ring together at all as it’s a standard family friendly hardcore match. Holly wants to get rid of his image as Sparky Plug. Cole says he was a cup of coffee as a tag team champion (yes that’s how he worded it) and he held the IC Title for a cup of coffee.

That was a pretty short cup then as that never happened. There was a Raw special the previous night that no one remembers and I guess nothing really happened on. Why have a Raw the night before a PPV? I don’t get that but I hope Vince doesn’t remember it as he’d do it again in a heartbeat. At the time there was no 24/7 rule so the belt wasn’t a complete joke as it would later become.

Holly is a welder by trade. If he’s a welder, WHY IS HE A WRESTLER??? Geez Cole don’t make it sound like he does this on weekends or something like that. This is one of the most famous hardcore matches as they actually go into the woods and into the Mississippi River. Holly keeps hitting Snow with sticks and pieces of wood. There’s a chain length fence there because it’s Tennessee law that all hardcore matches come complete with weapons.

They hit each other with some unidentifiable stuff, one of which is described by Cole as “Holly with a….Al Snow with a kick to the midsection.” It was that kind of a match. After an insane brawl that isn’t that impressive, Snow is rolled into the fence and pinned despite his arm being so far off the ground he’s almost rolling over. It was like they said hey, we’re out of time and no one is going to care anyway so end this ridiculous match.

Holly immediately runs back into the arena and the cameras follow him the entire way. During his run, Cole says he’s become the fourth Hardcore Championship. I know that announcers aren’t perfect but Cole is just becoming ridiculous.

After Holly comes back in and gets the belt, he says the brilliant line of “If you think this was hardcore just wait until Last Man Standing.” That’s great Michael. Just make it seem like there are other guys tougher than this but the belt isn’t worth their time. We cut to the banks of the river again where Snow is still stuck in the fence and screaming to let him out which is quite funny for some reason.

Rating: C+. While there would be many hardcore matches in the future, this one wasn’t nearly as silly. It felt a bit more I guess you would say realistic in that it wasn’t as corny as some in the future but the river and the woods were just a weird idea. It was ok and better than some of the future ones, but that’s not saying much.

We see the Ministry earlier in the day having some kind of ritual. This group got WAY too intense to be on a wrestling show, or at least I always thought they did.

Big Bossman vs. Mideon

There’s no point to this other than to have Corporation vs. Ministry. Mideon is the former Phineas Godwinn and is now a soothsayer for no apparent reason. It amuses me that Dennis Knight has elevated his game in the Ministry and he may never have won a match in this gimmick. I agree with the fans who are loudly chanting boring. This is heel vs. heel so what are you really expecting?

The styles are almost exactly the same and there is no chemistry at all. We see about 5 rest holds or let’s both lay down and take a little nap spots in a six and a half minute long match. As Cole and King are chattering away Bossman hits his slam for the pin. Ministry runs out and beats down the Bossman after Taker appears as well. They take him off and this would lead to the Cell match at Mania which was complete and utter crap.

Rating: D-. The only appealing thing here is they kept it short. This match was terrible for all of the listed reasons. It was more or less a battle of jobbers here and why would I want to watch that, especially heel vs. heel and power guy vs. power guy. Made no sense and wasn’t any good either.

D’lo and Mark Henry are in the back with the newcomer Ivory. Brown cuts a very good promo talking about how they’re going to win the titles. Brown has a very good voice actually.

Tag Titles: Mark Henry/D’lo vs. Jeff Jarrett/Owen Hart

Owen and Jeff are some of the most forgotten tag champions ever. Anyway, Ivory has been there less than a week as a favor to Henry and is the antidote to Debra or something like that. Lawler sounds like he’s losing his voice. Yet again this match is all about looks as Ivory says if Debra interferes she’ll rip her clothes off. I think the Nation rejects are your faces here for that very reason.

That and no one in WWF history liked Jeff which is a shame as he’s better than half the guys on the roster. This is just an excuse to get another victory under the champions belts to make a stupid pun. There’s nothing of note here as Henry is in trouble for a lot of the match until we get a hot tag to Brown who lands a running powerbomb that isn’t a Sky High Cole.

Brawl follows and Henry gets a guitar to the knee leading to the Figure Four and the tapping like a drunk man. Have you ever seen a drunk man tap out? Neither have I. Anyway, Ivory rips Debra’s top off to make sure the fans haven’t died of boredom which is likely a good idea.

Rating: D. Dear lord this show is AWFUL so far. Owen and Jarrett just didn’t work tonight which is odd as they’re two of the best in ring workers of this era. Henry is his usual awful self while Brown is solid as usual. This was just another filler and it wasn’t a good one at that.

Mankind talks about how Rock attacked his knee on Heat.

Recap of why Ken Shamrock hates Val Venis. Val screwed Ken’s sister Ryan.

Val Venis vs. Ken Shamrock

Billy Gunn is the referee here for no good reason. Here’s your match of the night. This is for the title I guess. Ryan does look insanely hot in this tiny white dress. As Val does his thing Billy lays in the corner which is kind of funny. Ken wants to avenge his sister despite Ryan not seeming to mind much. Lawler’s voice is dying fast for some reason so we get mostly Cole.

Lawler tries but it’s just not working. The first half of this match is very back and forth with no one really getting an advantage. About ten minutes in though Billy Gunn makes it much funnier by saying stuff like “dang I didn’t know that was a pin.” And when Venis has Shamrock in a submission and is shouting ask him, Gunn replies with ask him what??? It’s funnier in context I guess.

Allegedly there was a bribe offered by both guys with Ryan offering sex. Shamrock hits a DDT but Gunn blatantly stops at two. Venis isn’t even moving and Gunn just doesn’t count it so Shamrock asks what he is doing. Eventually the ankle lock is on and Ryan pulls Val who Ken is holding to the ropes because obviously a twenty something year old stick can pull two grown men while wearing heels.

Ken asks what the heck is she doing and gets slapped. Gunn keeps Ken from Ryan. Anyway, Shamrock hits Billy but Gunn fights back and sends him into a small package to lose the title. Post match Gunn beats up both guys.

Rating: B-. This was hard to grade. It’s like they weren’t sure if they wanted to do a comedy match or a regular one and they kept changing their minds. Billy is funny here but it’s nothing mind blowing. Both guys were ok in the ring but there was no need at all for Gunn to be involved here at all. Seriously, what does he add onto this match? There’s nothing here at all that’s great but it’s not bad at all.

Recap another part of the faction war as DX is fighting with the Corporation as well.

Triple H/X-Pac vs. Kane/Chyna

This would be the big match before Chyna turned face again at Mania to rejoin HHH before turning heel again 20 minutes later along with HHH as Kane turned face. Shane is on commentary but this is back when he was just a spoiled punk with a lot of money. The big showdown in this match is supposed to be HHH vs. Russia. However HHH is in the match all of 2/14 minutes and the rest is X-Pac getting beaten up.

Shane and X-Pac get into it which would lead to their European Title match at Mania. This is a pretty good tag match as Sri Lanka could at least hold her own in there with someone as awful as Waltman. Pac is beaten down to lead up to the hot tag which is warm at best.

The problem is HHH like most wrestlers has issues with hitting Indonesia. I will give him credit though as he does get in a few good right hands. X-Pac and Shane go at it which allows the big brawl all over the place and it leaves Asia and HHH alone. HHH sets Mongolia for the Pedigree but Kane comes back for the chokeslam which gives India the pin.

Rating: B. This was a solid tag match I thought. X-Pac was at his best when he was getting the heck beaten out of him and he wasn’t good for much else. This was all about getting HHH and Chyna together but that never really happened except for a few moments at the end. She was fine in there though and you almost forgot she was a female which is a nice plus. Decent match but nothing mind blowing.

Recap of Rock/Mankind, which more or less says this feud is awesome, this is the Rock’s chance to get the title match and you know it’s going to be awesome.

WWF Title: Rock vs. Mankind

This is last man standing.  Basically everyone expects them to just massacre the other here which is likely.  Rock comes out to cheers which is interesting as he’s certainly the heel here.  He’s in workout gear here which is smart as at times you have guys out there in tights looks stupid.  This makes sense.

It’s nice to see Foley come out as the champion here as it just looks good.  It’s not something you see that often in this company but he certainly earned it.  Foley turns his back on Rock intentionally and offers him a free shot and then does it again.  Rock busted up Foley’s legs on Heat so Rock wisely goes after them.

King’s voice sounds bad as I think his voice is going quickly here.  He’s certainly trying though.  Foley gets a belt shot to the face for a count of 8.  Cole declares Making the mayor of Parts Unknown.  I like that line actually.  We’re up by the set now and it’s a brawl, which is the idea here.

Foley DDTs Rock through a table set up near the stage which gets a limited response which I think is due to it being too early as we’ve only been fighting for about five minutes at this point.  Cole insults the Hardcore match earlier again, showing how completely idiotic he can be at times.  I’d love to see Holly waiting for him behind the curtain with a chair for him and shouting ARE YOU CRAZY?

Back into the arena as Foley’s knee is giving out on him.  It’s back and forth here but more Foley than Rock.  In the ring for the first time in a good while and Foley drops the People’s Elbow but Rock rolls out of the way.  Suplex on the floor as this is solid stuff so far.  Make that three of them.

While Foley is getting counted Rock has a seat in Cole’s chair and does a little commentary.  He tells Foley to come get him so Foley gets a hobbling start and FLIPS at Rock.  That’s not something I expected to type.  With Rock leaning over the table Foley drops the elbow off the apron for a count of eight as Mankind picks him up.

Back in the ring Mankind gets steps kicked back into his face to put him down.  More work on the knee now as Rock gets a shot with a chair.  And then we get the stupid chair hits the ropes and hits the chair swinger in the head.  I’ve never liked that one at all.

Rock backdrops Foley off the table but his head slams into the table, making it look SICK.  Cole is freaking out like a girl in a slasher movie at this.  People’s Elbow has Mankind reeling.  He manages to get up and grabs a mic to cut some more promos on Mankind.  And now he’s singing Smackdown Hotel, which is borderline sacrilege as this is in Memphis.

Mandible Claw goes on but the referee gets bumped.  Well of course he did.  And remember there MUST be a winner.  DDT by Rock gets 9.  BIG chair shot misses and Foley gets a DDT on the chair.  Rock gets up but walks into Socko twice in a row.  Wouldn’t you think the first time was a good enough idea?

He gets a Rock Bottom as a counter to the Sock and both guys are down.  Both guys get chairs and they cave each others’ skulls in for the double knockout, getting ten and ending the match.  Yeah that ending is stupid now and always has been.  The decision gets booed out of the building which is exactly what it deserves.

Rating: B-. The ending is what holds this back for me but like I said it was all they could do to get that ending. These two beat the living tar out of each other and it was a brutal match. Matches like these can be seen as more fun when you know they’re not ending for at least 15 minutes.

That gives you 15 minutes of just free beatings on each other. It made both guys look strong in that they took the same beating and both lost but at the same time both kind of won. Rock would win the title the next night in a ladder match so I’m really not sure why they didn’t just give it to him here.

Recap of Vince and Austin. Apparently Austin already has the shot at Mania but he just wants the match with McMahon.

Cage Match: Vince McMahon vs. Steve Austin

Cage is the blue style but it’s painted black which is a nice touch. This match can be summed up easily: Austin tries to kill Vince. This is the most one sides match I have ever seen for the first half with Vince having no offense at all. Austin beats him around the cage, in the crowd, at ringside and on the cage until we get the big bump from the match as they’re hanging on the side of the cage and Vince is knocked off and slams his head on a monitor.

Everyone thought he was legit either hurt or dead. However the more I watch it he more I’m convinced it was a work as Austin goes back to beating on him. If he was really hurt, that would never happen. I think it was designed to look real but just got too close to being real. Oh, the match just NOW started. They’ve been fighting for 12 minutes and NOW we get the bell. Vince gets in a low blow here and there but that’s the extent of his offense.

Austin can leave twice but Vince flips him off both times and Austin comes back to beat on him some more. He calls for the Stunner when Big Show, called Paul Wight here, debuts and beats the heck out of Austin. He beats on him for awhile before McMahon says to throw him into the cage. He does and in one of my favorite spots ever, the cage breaks and Austin drops down to win the match. McMahon looks devastated as the show ends.

Rating: B-. This was about Austin screwing Vince again and in my mind shouldn’t have gone on last. The title match was more of a massacre than this but I guess they wanted to send the fans home happy. Show debuting was a big deal I guess and this set up the main event at Mania which should have been Austin vs. Vince. It was short but brutal which I guess is what they were going for?

Overall Rating: C-. This show was pretty bad. It just never got going and is all about two matches, one of which is pretty forgotten. This was all built up to the cage match and that’s the only thing anyone really remembers. Mankind and Rock is brutal and fun so I’d recommend that and the main event.

This wasn’t supposed to be anything huge other than just to get to Mania which is fine. The first part of the show is just awful though with nothing of note and only a few moments of decency at all. Watch the main events and that’s all that’s worth anything here.

Wrestlemania 2
Date: April 7, 1986
Location: Nassau Coliseum-New York, Rosemont Horizon-Chicago, Illinois, Sports Arena-Los Angeles, California
Attendance: 40,085 combined for all three venues
Commentators: New York – Vince McMahon, Susan St. James. Chicago – Gorilla Monsoon, Gene Okerlund, Cathy Lee Crosby, Ernie Ladd. Los Angeles – Jesse Ventura, Alfred Hayes, Elvira
America The Beautiful: Ray Charles

This show is the classic what the heck were thinking moment from the WWF. They had made Wrestlemania the year before and they hit it so far out of the park that by the time it was Wrestlemania 2 the ball hadn’t come down yet. This was a problem though. Since the inaugural show had been such a success, Vince felt they had to do something to top it. This was his idea: what if we did Wrestlemania from 3 different places??? Think about that for a minute. How weird would that be?

Not to mention, Vince had another idea: let’s put it on a Monday! Again, just awkward sounding. The format used was three locations, each with an undercard and then a featured match, which were a boxing match, a battle royal, and the true main event, Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy in a steel cage.

The idea was odd on paper and worse in reality as it felt like watching three shows instead of one. There’s no rhythm and because it was in three locations, announcers were a rare commodity. Due to this, Vince’s last idea was to put a real commentator together with celebrities to do the commentary. What followed might be the biggest mess in company history.

Paul Orndorff vs. Don Muraco

We begin the show in New York City with Paul Orndorff against Don Muraco. Why are they fighting? I don’t have a freaking clue but they are so here we go. As they begin we hear comments from both and neither have anything to say of meaning.

Orndorff is easily the face here so if he never accomplished anything else in his career, the face turn between Manias one and two was effective. As was predicted, the celebrity commentator is atrocious, with such gems like “I think he’s winning!” Orndorff controls the early part of the match but Muraco breaks it up with some power. They roll outside and we get a double count out as the crowd clearly can be heard chanting bull.

Rating: D+. Fine for what it was, but the fans got it right with their chants. This is the opening match to Wrestlemania? Seriously? That’s the best they could come up with? This feud more or less never went anywhere at all as Orndorff was about to get the biggest push of his career by far, resulting in him making about $20,000 a week for awhile. This was just an odd choice for an opening match but then again this was an odd choice for a show so I guess it fits.

Intercontinental Title: George Steele vs. Randy Savage

Next up the intercontinental title is on the line as Randy Savage defends against George Steele. This is a match that I can’t find a standalone version of so I can’t put this one in here. However, this was another chapter in the over year long feud between these two. Savage had been allegedly mistreating Liz and Steele had developed a crush on her. That led to, what else, Savage being jealous and a 15 month feud began.

Mega stall from Savage to start as he seems afraid of Steele. Savage runs again and finally on the third time Steele goes after him. They finally lock up and Steele beats Savage up for a while with power moves and biting but Steele keeps going to talk to Liz. This was a weird period for Savage as they knew they had a gem with him but they didn’t know what to do with him. Yeah he was the IC champion, but where did they go with him from there?

This was all they had until the next year when he and Steamboat stole the show and Savage was launched into the main event. For some reason Savage has a bouquet of flowers that he and Steele try to beat each other up with. After ripping apart a turnbuckle and eating the stuffing (not making that up) Steele gets slammed and elbowed, but he kicks out?

Yes, George Steele is the first man to kick out of the elbow, and he pops up, beats on Savage some more and then gets rolled up and Savage uses the ropes to pin him. Steele eats more stuffing.

Rating: C-. This was a comedy match I think with wrestling mixed in. Savage is the highlight here as he sells like crazy for Steele and it helps a lot. These two had this freaky chemistry that no one has ever been able to really figure out. They would feud on and off for the next year before FINALLY ending it with the return of Ricky Steamboat for that whole greatest match of all time thing he and Savage would have next year.

Jake Roberts vs. George Wells

We follow up that strange match with another somewhat strange match as Jake Roberts, still a rookie here, takes on some guy named George Wells. This match is little more than a glorified squash. Wells dominates early but doesn’t go for a pin when he has the chance. Jake recovers and DDTs him to win the match. Afterwards he unleashes Damien who causes Wells to look like he’s foaming at the mouth.

Rating: D+. Talk about a weird choice to have on Wrestlemania. Jake was brand new at this point so they needed someone to make him look good and they pick….George Wells? There was a squash on Mania for the first two years and both times they were the least interesting match on the card. I don’t get the selection here for the most part and it’s pretty bad all things considered.

Boxing Match: Mr. T vs. Roddy Piper

We now move onto the main event of the New York portion of the show: a boxing match with Roddy Piper and Mr. T. This was built up on SNME about 2 months before hand with Mr. T. beating Piper’s friend Bob Orton in a boxing match before being beaten down by both of them. That came on from what started over a year ago in the main event of the first Wrestlemania, so this truly was a showdown that had been built up for ages.

Factor in that T had been the World Boxing Champion in Rocky 3 just a few years ago and was on a top rated TV show where he was a tough guy. Both men have famous trainers in their corners to make it look more legit.  For no apparent reason Joan Rivers does the ring announcing.  This is ten three minute rounds.  She introduces Orton as the Ace Comedy Bob Orvin.  Nice job of handling the reading thing honey.

They actually got Smoking Joe Frazier to be in T’s corner.  One of the biggest stars in Hollywood has in his corner a former world heavyweight champion who had three of the best boxing matches in history with Muhammad Ali.  He also has a midget.  Well of course he does.  They treat this like a real boxing match.  Oh dear.

T goes for the ribs which doesn’t work all that well for him.  Piper hits him on the break which is illegal of course.  There has been no mention of judges or anything like that so I guess this is destined to not go the distance.  The referee has broken them up about four times now.  I think these are three minute rounds.  For the most part these punches aren’t landing at all but they sell them anyway of course.

It’s not so much boxing but rather glorified grappling with the occasional punch thrown.  The fans are more or less dead if you didn’t guess that.  After the first round nothing has really happened.  Piper has a bunch of grease on his face for the second round which is keeping the punches from T from being effective.

This is painfully boring if I didn’t make that clear so far.  Piper knocks the heck out of T with some big roundhouses and finally drops him to huge cheers because something HAPPENED for a change.  The knockdown gets a count of 8.  Piper keeps pounding on him as round two ends.  They brawl a bit during the break and Orton throws water at T.

Piper does the Ali Shuffle to start the third round.  T gets him into the corner and pounds away with more or less open hand shots to the head and Piper is in trouble.  That gets a count of 7.  T gets a huge punch that I think hit so of course Piper is knocked to the floor.  He gets up at 9 and then holds onto T for the last 25 seconds of the fight.

They just trade big bombs to start the fourth round.  And then he punches the referee and slams T for the DQ about a minute into the fourth round.  It’s a bit brawl and T of course gets the win.  Was there a reason for both that ending and also having Piper dominate a round like that?  This was awful.

Rating: F. On WRESTLEmania they had a long boxing match.  This was just boring beyond belief and the boxing looked awful.  They tried to make this seem legit and it failed on more than all levels.  T was never seen again and Piper turned face relatively soon after taking time off for knee surgery.  Boring match and awful beyond belief.

Chicago

Women’s Title: Fabulous Moolah vs. Velvet McIntyre

We start with the Women’s Title on the line as Moolah defends against Velvet McIntyre. This match is just weird. Moolah dominates, Velvet comes back and then misses a splash allowing Moolah to pin her. It screams botched finish to me as even the announcers seem surprised.

Rating: N/A. Just was nothing at all and might have gone a minute. Little to rate here so I won’t even try to.

Nikolai Volkoff vs. Corporal Kirschner

Now we have a flag match with Nikolai Volkoff against the forgotten Corporal Kirschner. Yeah I don’t remember him either. The winner gets to have their flag waved. Other than that it’s a standard one on one match. As usual, Nikolai sings the Russian National Anthem before the match starts. Nikolai dominates early on, ramming Kirschner into the post twice and busting him open. I kid you not, Kirschner lands 7 right hands, catches Freddy Blassie’s cane and hits Nikolai with it to win the match.

Rating: D-. This was supposed to be a brawl but it was a bad match. 7 punches and a cane shot? Give me a break. Kirschner is apparently one of the most legit tough guys in the history of the business and got thrown out of most major companies for being too rough. Based on this and his match at the Wrestling Classic I’d assume it’s due to a high level of suck but that’s just me. This was just barely long enough to warrant a rating and it wasn’t any good at all.

Battle Royal

Now we get the most famous match from this show: a 20 man battle royal with ten pro football players and 10 wrestlers. This is going to go GREAT. Since most of you won’t know half the people in this I’m not going to list them all until the end. The big names are a still rookie Bret Hart, Andre the Giant, Big John Studd and Bruno Sammartino. For the most part this is a run of the mill battle royal.

It’s little more than a bunch of punching and kicking against the ropes as we get down to the big names. Oddly enough the celebrity commentator is the only one that gets anything right. Gorilla says stuff like Studd has this guy in the corner when they’re almost in the middle of the ring, or Ernie Ladd who was a wrestler saying no one wants Andre when he’s beating someone up. Amazing.

The only really famous thing in this match is a football player named William the Refrigerator Perry getting eliminated by Studd but then offering a handshake and eliminating him. The Iron Sheik eliminates Hillbilly Jim just as he would in the gimmick battle royal 15 years later at WM 17. The final four are the Hart Foundation, a football player and Andre. Do I need to really give the details on this? Andre beats up the Harts to win the match after launching Bret out in a press slam.

Rating: B. It’s a bunch of football players and 80s wrestlers with a few great workers. Nothing special, but considering what they had to work with this is just fine. The football stuff didn’t lead anywhere which is kind of surprising as they set up a Fridge vs. Studd thing that never happened at all that I know of. This was just ok and at least the right guy won it. Andre would of course be in the biggest match of all time the next year.

Tag Titles: British Bulldogs vs. The Dream Team

Now we have what is likely the best match of the whole show. It’s a classic 80s tag match with the British Bulldogs, and Ozzy Osbourne in their corner for God alone knows why to face the tag team champions of the Dream Team Brutus Beefcake and Greg Valentine. You can tell they’re serious here as this has a sixty minute time limit.

The ring looks small here for some reason.  Gorilla asks why Ozzy is there too which means he’s confused like I am.  There are two referees here which I doubt will mean anything for the most part.  Smith vs. Valentine to get up.  The ring is all loud here still.

The Bulldogs were so fast with those tags and this is no exception at all.  Valentine won’t tag out for no apparent reason.  He counters a backdrop though and here’s Beefcake.  Small package by Dynamite get two.  Fisherman’s suplex by Davey gets two.  I guess he’s not perfect.  After Davey gets beaten on for a bit Dynamite comes in and slugs it out with Valentine.

The champions cheat a bit and they still can’t take over.  I never got the appeal of the Dream Team but to be fair it might be that Brutus was just awful at this point.  Valentine gets a Piledriver on Dynamite but falls forward so it kind of looks like a tombstone but with Dynamite’s stomach facing out.  That was kind of cool looking.

Bulldogs clear the ring as things speed up a bit.  Davey gets the powerslam for two as it wasn’t a finisher but just a signature move at the time.  The champions work over Davey as momentum changes hands a lot here tonight.  They work over the arm, including with a shoulderbreaker from Valentine.

However he shows his idiocy by pulling Davey up at two.  Nice job you lunkhead.  And there’s the idiocy coming through as for no apparent reason Dynamite gets on the middle rope and Davey rams Valentine’s head into Kid’s for the knockout shot and falls on Valentine for the pin and the titles.  That ending came from NOWHERE and Dynamite is out cold from the shot which is kind of amusing for some reason.  That’s Albano’s 16^th title win as a manager.  Hokey smoke.

Rating: B-. Fun stuff but the ending was just so freaking random.  I don’t get the ending as it was like they looked at the clock and realized they had no time left and were like oh crap we need to finish this.  The Bulldogs were a good team and were a huge step up from the Dream Team.  They would lose them to the Harts in about 8-9 months so the tag division was starting to roll at this point.

Los Angeles

Ricky Steamboat vs. Hercules Hernandez

We move to the final and by far the worst of the three locations as we’re now in LA, beginning with Ricky Steamboat against Hercules Hernandez. This was supposed to be Bret vs. Ricky in the big showdown match for Mania. I’m not sure what the showdown would be for since for all intents and purposes they had no feud that I know of but a little face on face action never hurt anyone, even though Bret wasn’t a face at the time so scratch that line.

They start off kind of fast but not fast enough for anything to mean much. This was a different era so matches like these were really commonplace. There’s no feud or anything here and Hercules is just a big power guy that had been given a fairly decent push so he’s getting to fight one of the best guys in the company at one of the biggest shows of the year.

There is almost nothing to say here though as I’ve been watching for a few minutes and nothing has happened at all. Well at least nothing worth talking about that is. Hercules goes for the backbreaker as this is before the Full Nelson made him the original Chris Masters. Relatively standard Steamboat match which means it’s at least passable. Herc is the big powerhouse that beats the tar out of Ricky, makes one mistake and the Dragon makes his comeback. The flying body press ends things as always.

Rating: C-. And that’s almost all for Steamboat. I liked Hercules for some reason but for the life of me I don’t get the point in having him be considered a better prospect than Bret was. This was the epitome of a throwaway match with nothing special at all going on in it and nothing of note to talk about really. I sat there for minutes at a time with nothing of note so I apologize for the most history based match here.

Adrian Adonis vs. Uncle Elmer

Now for the odd match of the night, we have Adrian Adonis, playing a controversial gay gimmick at the time, against Uncle Elmer, a fat hillbilly character. The crowd chants a certain homosexual slur at Adonis to start the match which he prances around the ring to.

This match is slow and mostly painful as the smaller man in the match weighs about 350lbs. When he’s your agile guy, you know this isn’t going anywhere. Elmer punches him and literally falls off his feet from it. Quite sad actually. Adonis has his dress, yes dress ripped off and it’s just hideous. Elmer beats on him some more but misses a leg drop. Adonis hits a top rope headbutt and gets the pin.

Rating: N/A. I never got the appeal of either of these characters and thankfully Elmer wasn’t around much longer. Naturally he got a tape mainly about him and his family because that’s the way the 80s went.

Junkyard Dog/Tito Santana vs. The Funks

In the next to last match of the night, we have the Funks against JYD and Tito Santana. This is another filler match that had no point at all other than two faces against a heel team. This is a much slower paced match as they do more old school stuff in there. Terry vs. Tito starts us off so we’re certainly getting things started off on the right foot here.

You have three guys that belong in the Hall of Fame and JYD who is in there because he was popular in the 80s making him a LEGEND. I still don’t like him but he’s more bearable than some people I can’t stand. This is definitely a different style than most are used to. I’d like a bit more explanation as to why they’re fighting but I think It’s 1986 is about as close as we’re going to get. Tito dominates for the most part here, hammering away on both Funks. He was completely awesome at this point if you didn’t get that.

Off to the Dog now and we get some boxing. A Texas man lost a fight to a dog. Don’t bother going back to Amarillo I guess Terry. Someone please explain the appeal to me of the Dog as I just don’t get it at all and never have. Dory plays Ricky Morton which just sounds wrong and gets beaten on in the corner for a bit. The forearm gets two as I guess Tito didn’t have it perfected yet.

Control shifts over to the crazy men and they beat down Tito for awhile as he’s really playing Ricky Morton. That still sounds wrong. After a few minutes of basic offense from the Funks JYD comes back in and everything goes nuts. Terry is thrown to the floor where there are no mats. He might have legitimately hurt his knee or ankle there and I’m not surprised at all. With the referee not looking, Terry clocks the Dog with the Megaphone (Jimmy was managing them which I forgot to mention) and the heels steal one.

Rating: B-. Pretty fun match here with the Funks being all evil and the thrown together face team doing whatever they could to get the win. Granted that didn’t happen but at least they tried. This was a better match than I remember it being and while it’s still mainly formula stuff it worked rather well. I liked it and granted three of the guys being all time greats helps a bit.

WWF World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy

This is a cage match and the only one in Mania history if you don’t count the Cell match at Mania 15 which most people don’t. The story behind this is Bundy jumped Hogan at a SNME and hurt his ribs, which hadn’t healed yet. Hogan wrestled against doctor’s orders with tape all over his ribs. Simple but effective but kind of too simple as this was more or less thrown together about a month ago.

This is a very not surprising match with Bundy going for the ribs and Hogan having to fight through the pain. It’s solid because it’s Hogan doing what he does best but the total and complete lack of drama or anyone really caring for the most part is hurting it. Also having Jesse as lead announcer is a very odd choice.

Bundy rips the tape off of Hogan’s ribs like a good heel and Hogan messes up as always by trying to pick Bundy up and of course he can’t do it. There’s nothing special going on here at all but it’s working for the most part. Ah there’s the Hulk Up. Very surprisingly we get a power slam here and not the traditional slam. Maybe his ribs really were hurt. He ties up Bundy and goes over the top to retain and end the show.

Rating: B-. It’s Hogan against a monster heel not named Andre. What are you expecting here? This was his bread and butter and the fans popped for the end (only) so I guess you can call this a success. I’m a sucker for Hogan matches in the 80s so I’d say there’s probably some bias in the rating but who cares? Fairly solid match but nothing unique about it at all other than the cage aspect.

Overall rating: C+. While certainly better in the ring than the first Mania and including some storylines this time, the three venues thing is just a mess. There’s really only two or three very good matches here and I’d call maybe the tag title match Mania worthy. Other than that there’s a lot of filler and it’s more or less 1-2 big matches per location with the rest being all filler.

This show suffers from trying to do something that had never been done before, and while they did indeed do that the overlooked one major point: the new thing they did wasn’t a good idea. It’s really not that good of a show overall. Watch the highlights if you want to, but don’t waste three hours watching it from start to end.

Monday Night Raw
Date: February 28, 2011
Location: HSBC Arena, Buffalo, New York
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole

We have five Raws to go before Wrestlemania and the card is starting to have a lot more shape to it.  With the highest rating the show has had in over a year and a half from last week and a record high rating for Smackdown on Syfy this past week, things are looking good on paper at the moment.  Tonight we’ll likely see more of Cena vs. Rock to build up to some showdown in Atlanta or possibly even next year in Miami.  Let’s get to it.

HHH opens the show and it’s confirmed that he has Taker at Wrestlemania as he’s on his way to the ring.  Josh sounds a bit off tonight, like his voice isn’t working properly.  The graphic shown for their match lists Undertaker as The Last Outlaw.  Sounds like a weak cowboy heel gimmick in the 80s.  HHH chant starts up before he talks.  Josh hasn’t talked in awhile while Lawler has so maybe he’s sick or something.

HHH says the real test is the test of time and there is nothing he hasn’t done in WWE.  He’s defined the Elimination Chamber, he’s defined Hell in a Cell, he’s a 13 time world champion, he started DX and Evolution.  He’s been hated and loved, he’s defeated icons legends and immortals and has been here 16 years.  HHH says he’s outlasted everyone except for one person.

He says Undertaker is now known as the Last Outlaw, but that’s not true.  The two of them are more alike than Undertaker realizes.  There are no more challenges for either of them but Taker has the Streak which is all that keeps him going.  HHH claims to be the only true challenge Undertaker has left.  I guess we’re ignoring HHH being victim #9 in the Streak.  HHH’s only remaining challenge is ending the Streak, which will happen at Wrestlemania 27.  When the Streak dies, Undertaker dies with it and if he can’t end the Streak then he’ll die trying.  Good and emotional promo here from the Game.

As he’s about to leave, here’s Sheamus.  Sheamus steps into the ring and gets a stiff low blow.  No Pedigree but rather Sheamus is thrown to the floor where his beating continues.  He throws Sheamus into the time keeper’s area and launches the chair out of there too.  Pedigree onto the announce table kills Sheamus dead.  That table collapsed very well too as it looked like it exploded.  And before everyone says it, no that wasn’t a burial.

Shawn Michaels is going to give his opinion on the HHH vs. Undertaker match later.

Cole is going to answer King’s challenge tonight.

Rock (via satellite) will answer Cena as well.

Back and Sheamus is just now being helped out of the arena.  There’s an E-Mail which Lawler answers.  He starts saying the May I Have Your Attention Please but stops and says nah.  The E-Mail says that Sheamus was supposed to have a match and will still have that match, against this man who is returning to Raw.

Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne

Bourne fires away with kicks and hits (read as he missed by three inches) with a spin kick.  That sets up the Shooting Star Press to end this in 37 seconds.

Rating: B-. The first 12 seconds were pretty good, the next 8 dragged it down but the final seventeen more than made up for it.  Solid TV match.

With Bourne still in the ring, Justin Roberts introduces Michael Cole. He says he’ll tell us what his plans are for Wrestlemania in just a few moments and we take a break.

Undertaker will be on Smackdown.  There will also be a contract signing for Edge vs. Del Rio.

After a quick video of Cole insulting Jerry and his mother last week, Cole calls Lawler into the ring.  Apparently only Lawler can get fired for striking Cole and not the other way around.  Cole stumbles over his words here.  Cole claims to have the most guts in the company and that he never backs down from a fight.  His answer to the challenge is no.  Cole’s face is so smug here that it’s great.

Cole says he’ll accept under two conditions.  First off his trainer has to be in his corner at Wrestlemania and he gets to pick a special guest referee for the match.  Lawler says he doesn’t care if Cole has the Dark Knight, King Kong, Saba Simba and Superman with him, it’s on.  Cole is WAY too happy about this, even dancing a little over it.

He introduces his trainer: Jack Swagger.  Odd choice but it gives Swagger something to do I guess.  Lawler stares up at Swagger and Cole slaps him.  Jerry goes after Cole but gets caught in an ankle lock while Cole laughs at him.  The referee isn’t announced here.

Austin will be here next week.

Cole wipes off Lawler’s headset to take over on commentary.

Cue Orton to a ROAR.  Great pop for him there.  This is a match but Orton has something to say to Punk first he.  Last week CM was right about something.  Two and a half years ago when Orton punted him it was the biggest mistake of Orton’s career.  He should have kicked harder.  Faith can’t protect Punk from punting him again.  Orton talks about putting Punk in a rehabilitation home and the only thing Punk will have left is the faith that failed him.

Cue New Nexus led by Punk who has the microphone.  Could we get to a match anytime soon?  Punk says he’ll take care of Orton and here they come.  An E-Mail stops them, which says that Orton will face Punk at Mania.  Until then Orton gets singles matches against members of the New Nexus.  If they beat Orton, that member can be in Punk’s corner at the PPV but if they lose, that member is barred.  If any member interferes, the team is disbanded.

Randy Orton vs. Michael McGillicutty

Orton takes over quickly as you would expect.  The knee drop misses and here comes McGillicutty.  A clothesline by Orton sends him to the floor and we take a break.  Back with McGillicutty hitting a dropkick for two.  He adds the Mr. Perfect neck snap from the middle rope in a cool looking move.  There’s the chinlock from McGillicutty on the master of the chinlock.  Orton fights back and gets the powerslam and backbreaker.  Elevated DDT has McGillicutty reeling.  RKO ends it at 7:15 with about 4 minutes shown.

Rating: D. Not impressed here as it was just a step ahead of a squash.  Did anyone think McGillicutty had a chance here at all?  Either way, it would be nice to have a 1-1 match at Mania rather than having to worry about the interference.  This also gives Orton something to do between now and Mania so that helps a bit.

Post match Orton sets for the punt and Punk comes out to talk him out of it.  This fails of course and McGillicutty’s head is somewhere in the 4th row.  McGiilicutty’s face on the replay is great as his eyes are bugged out and his mouth is wide open.

We get a clip of Sin Cara aka Mistico signing with WWE.  The name Mistico is mentioned as well which is surprising.

Here are Miz and Riley.  Miz says Rock is responding to Cena tonight and not to Miz.  Why isn’t he doing that?  Because Rock knows his time has passed and Miz is now the top star in WWE.  Everyone wants him and wants to talk to him.  He talks about Cena, saying that Miz won the titles last week, not the two of them.  Cena should be worried about Miz, not Rock.  Miz says he’ll beat Cena and then everyone will talk about him as the greatest superstar of all time.

Cue Cena who says he has very important news.  He can’t listen to anything else Miz says because Miz isn’t well.  Cena pulls out a Doctor’s Note (construction paper with Doctor’s Note written on it and a Red Cross) and says Miz is obsessive compulsive.  He’s obsessed with being awesome despite being average.  Cena lists off various things that Miz does, none of which are funny.

Riley says that toilet bowls are called Johns, because just like Cena, they’re full of crap.  Even Cole makes fun of Riley for that one.  Cena asks Miz if he gets it now why no one takes him seriously as champion.  Cena makes something resembling a gay joke by asking if Miz wants to know if he wants his legacy to be shared with another man.  He says Miz should fire Riley tonight to make Mania one on one.

Miz tries to come back at Cena by making fun of the jean shorts so Cena makes more gay jokes.  He says be a man tonight and wants a match with Riley.  If Cena wins, Riley doesn’t work for Miz anymore.  Miz accepts for Riley, on one condition.  Miz won’t interfere, but if Riley wins, Cena has to say Miz is the greatest superstar of all time, because he’s the Miz and he’s awesome.  Cena lists off all the things he’s been put through in the past year and twists his arm around saying ok you’re on.

We get an E-Mail (and the third person answering it in the form of Cole) which says the match tonight will be in a cage.  Good thing they had one above the ring.  You can only win by escape.  Really a weak segment that doesn’t make me want to see them fight any more than I did before.

Divas Battle Royal

Back with this randomly starting.  Eve is on commentary and the winner is #1 contender.  About four people are gone in maybe a minute.  You can go through the ropes to be eliminated.  Within maybe a minute we have a Bella, Maryse and Gail.  Gail sends Maryse out with a handful of tights and then the Bellas switch.  One is thrown out and the other switches.  Eve says she’s had enough and whichever Bella that is (Cole doesn’t know either for the most part) but apparently it’s Brie who wins in 2:00.  Basically all the Raw Divas were in this.

We go to Rock at his home in a Cena hat and with a chain around his neck.  He makes fun of the rapping thing from last week and then “takes this crap off.”  He goes on a big rant against Cena, saying he’s electrifying Buffalo like only Rock can.  He looks like he’s in front of a green screen (I know he’s not but it looks like it for some reason).

Rock talks about making his big return and then Cena replies to him with a rap.  Well of course he did because that’s how the guy in the purple shirt and jean shorts would do.  He makes fun of Thuganomics and Hustle, Loyalty and Respect.  This all started when Cena called Rock a liar when Rock said he loved WWE but never came back.

His love for WWE is endless.  He was born here and it’s in his blood.  There are title belts behind him which he proudly displays and that all he wanted to do was prove that he can do things outside of WWE to open the door for the locker room.  But then Cena insulted the Rock.  Cena opened a door of his own and on the other side is The Rock.

At Mania he’ll be hosting but he’ll be addressing Cena sooner than Cena thinks.  His spirit is everywhere and he can electrify Buffalo just like this.  He snaps his fingers and the lights go out in the arena.  Rock says he’s never alone but is with the millions and millions of Rock’s fans.  He implies he’ll be face to face with Cena very soon.  He says the Rock is back to scratch an itch, so enjoy your Fruity Pebbles you Yabba-Dabba Man.  Very intense and full of energy, but it’s a step down from the two previous promos by these two.

Shawn gives his thoughts on HHH vs. Undertaker.  There is no higher mountain than the Streak but there is something about HHH that is intense beyond words.  More or less Shawn doesn’t pick either guy.

Here’s Daniel Bryan for a match but Miz jumps him on the way to the ring.  A running big boot puts Bryan down as this is an assault.  Fan: “Miz you’re a big cheater!”  Bryan is destroyed and takes a Skull Crushing Finale onto the floor.  Even Cole gets on Miz for this.  Miz grabs a mic and says he did that because he can.  Welcome to the Miz Show!  Now lower the cage and start the match!

Alex Riley vs. John Cena

You can win by escape only and if Cena wins, Miz has to fire Riley.  Miz tweets that he’s on commentary which is kind of cool.  Cena hammers away in the corner and doesn’t seem to be that worried.  Release fisherman’s suplex puts Riley down.  Miz is being a jerk even to Cole as he’s not happy about being forgotten for Rock and Cena.  That’s a very legitimate criticism actually.  Miz runs away to stop Cena from getting out of the cage and allows Riley to get in a good shot and take over.

Riley’s chest is blood red.  Cena goes into the cage and Miz has Riley bring Cena over to the cage to take a picture of him for Twitter.  That’s hilarious.  Miz slips the phone in through the cage and Cena is clocked with it.  The referee is like dang I need to upgrade.  Cena makes a diving save and Miz runs up to start a tug of war with Riley.  STFU goes on and Riley is in trouble.  Cena tries to get out but Miz grabs a chair and holds him off for Riley to get an electric chair drop and we take a break at 11:02.  Ok then.

Back with Riley hitting a dropkick but Cena is coming back with his ending sequence.  Five Knuckle Shuffle hits as the crowd doesn’t seem to care.  They’ve been pretty weak all night but granted with this card that’s not really something you can blame them for.  FU is blocked and they fight on the top rope.    Riley knocks him down and goes up but takes forever as I guess Cena wasn’t ready in time.

Cena makes the save and they fight on top of the cage.  Riley goes back in and Cena does also for some reason.  Back in the ring there’s the FU and Cena grabs Miz’s phone to take a picture of Riley.  Miz stops him from escaping again but Cena just shoves the  door open with the power of Flintstone Vitamins to win at 12:50.  He winds up taking a Skull Crushing Finale on the floor to end the show.

Rating: C+. Decent  match for the most part and I don’t think the ending was ever really in doubt, but the phone spots were funny as they were trying something new out there for the sake of comedy.  Good stuff here but I’d really like this to become a more serious main event feud than the comedy stuff they’ve been doing so far.  Also, Riley vs. Cena in a cage?  Really?  That’s the main event of Raw?

Overall Rating: D. Well some stuff was added to Mania, but this was a very boring show.  FAR too little wrestling.  Even another five minutes or so would have helped this but there was just nothing of note in the ring here.  I get that they just had a big South American tour and are all spent but this was ridiculous.  Cena not taking Miz seriously is getting old fast and I’m hoping the title doesn’t change at Mania.  Weak show overall, but there were some decent parts.

Results

Evan Bourne b. Sheamus – Shooting Star Press

Randy Orton b. Michael McGillicutty – RKO

Brie Bella won a Divas Battle Royal – Bella last eliminated Gail Kim to win

John Cena b. Alex Riley – Cena escaped the cage