Monday Night Raw
Date: February 20, 2012
Location: Target Center, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

It’s on to Ventura Country as we have six Raws to go before Wrestlemania. After last night, nothing has really changed. Cena beat Kane and Punk kept the title, so I’m not really sure what all I can say to fill in this space. Oh Undertaker will officially be on Raw tonight to confront HHH about a potential Wrestlemania match. That’s about all I’ve got so let’s get to it.

We open with a clip of Cena/Kane/Ryder/Eve and that whole ordeal.

Eve and the Bellas are in the back and the Bellas are upset. Eve laughs off calling Ryder a great guy and talks about how she used him to get everyone talking about her. Now she’s got the big fish (Cena) on the hook and tonight she’s going to get him. She tells the Bellas to film her going into his locker room. Eve turns to leave and walks into Cena who walks away with a chuckle on his face.

Here’s Cena to the arena but before he can say anything Eve comes out. She says it was taken out of context but Cena cuts her off. She says they were friends and Cena said she cost him a friend in Ryder. Cena: “You made me lose a broski for a hoski.” And yes there’s a Hoski chant. Cena says she should hold out for Rock instead because they’re both scandalous and will use whoever it takes to get what they want.

Eve gets on her knees and cries as the fans chant a combination of Hoski and Rock. She jumps up and awkwardly hugs him but the referees pull her off. He says he’s disease free and would like to keep it that way. The fans chant Woo Woo Woo You Know It as she leaves in tears.

Smackdown is LIVE tomorrow night. Awesome.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

Now here’s an opener for you. Sheamus vs. Bryan is official for Mania. Henry pounds him down in the corner to start but Sheamus fights back. He hits the top rope shoulder block for two. Hoeski is trending worldwide which makes me smile. Sheamus hits the forearms to the chest with the Wrestlemania sign above him in a cool visual. Henry pounds him down again and this a few splashes in the corner. Sheamus has some BIG red marks on his back. He escapes the World’s Strongest Slam and the Brogue Kick ends this at 3:13.

Rating: B-. Not a horrible power match here, especially if Henry is just now getting back to full strength after his injury. Also that’s the first time I can remember Sheamus pinning Henry clean which is a good touch, especially after they split some matches last year. This was good for Sheamus to get a win over a big name.

Ace and Otunga are talking about the Chamber being a success when Teddy comes in. He says this isn’t his home and if it was, he wouldn’t be hanging with them. Ace says he didn’t know those three would come out last night. Teddy likes the idea of one of them running both brands. He says we should ask the WWE Universe. Ace says he doesn’t care about what the people think. It’s about what the Board of Directors thinks.

Ace rubs in that he’s taller than Teddy so Teddy calls him a pile of manure. There’s a ten man battle royal and the winner gets the title shot at Wrestlemania. Seriously, THAT’S IT? Also Otunga vs. a Smackdown guy tonight. Oh and Otunga looks like Pee Wee Herman’s fairy godmama in that bowtie.

HHH will talk to Undertaker later. This is set to……my goodness it’s set to Memory Remains by Metallica. I can’t believe I heard that on Raw.

Rock is here next week.

R-Truth/Kofi Kingston vs. Primo/Epico

Non-title here. Hopefully Kofi doesn’t get stuck in another tag team. Truth and Epico start us off and a clothesline gets two for Truth. Truth does nothing of note until the champs take over with some double teaming. Off to Kofi who cleans house with his high flying. Boom Drop to Primo but Epico distracts Kofi and guillotines him on the top. Not that it matters as Trouble in Paradise ends this in 2:20.

Jericho says he wasn’t eliminated last night. Jericho looks old here. He wants to know how Punk can claim to be champion after that. Tonight is the end of the world and he’ll prove it in the battle royal.

David Otunga vs. Ezekiel Jackson

Well it is Black History Month. Otunga takes him down but Jackson hits his clotheslines. A splash misses and Jackson hits the post. Otunga’s spinebuster ends this in 1:36. Otunga’s music is awful.

We recap the HHH/Shawn stuff from last week. Undertaker is coming next but we only see his shoes.

Here’s Undertaker and I’m curious as to what the new look is like. He has a hood over his head but there doesn’t appear to be much hair underneath it. Taker looks skinny here. He talks about how bad it’s been having to spend the last year thinking about Wrestlemania. Taker talks about how this needs to happen one more time because the apocalypse of their generation of wrestlers is here. This is bigger than the two of them.

Here’s HHH who gets cut off quick. Taker says HHH’s excuses are pitiful and they have to do this. HHH says their fate is to continue this forever. HHH is here to make sure there’s a WWE in the future and Taker is here to be the leader. He won’t be the one to extinguish the torch Undertaker carries. He goes to leave but Taker calls him back. Taker wants to know if it’s bad for business if HHH is gone.

HHH says Taker knows it’s bad for business or whatever. Taker isn’t asking for redemption or vengeance or whatever. He’s asking for an end. Taker wants HHH to finish him but HHH will not be the one that does it. Taker says at the end of the day all HHH is going to see in the mirror is a coward. HHH goes off but just as he’s about to accept the match he catches himself. It’s still no. HHH gets out of the ring and Taker says that HHH knows he couldn’t do it because Shawn couldn’t do it, and HHH knows Shawn was always better than him.

That makes HHH take the jacket and tie off and get back in. He says this isn’t about being better than Shawn because HHH knows he can finish Undertaker. The fans chant prove it and HHH says he’s more certain than ever before. It’s officially on. If they do this, they go all the way: Hell In A Cell. NOW THERE’S A TWIST.

Daniel Bryan vs. Santino Marella

A big Santino chant starts it off and he loads up the Cobra quickly. Santino tries a rollup but gets caught in the LeBell Lock and it’s over at 54 seconds.

Kelly Kelly/Aksana vs. Bella Twins

Kelly starts but it’s off to Aksana quickly. That’s Nikki in there to start. She tries to throw Aksana to the floor but manages to fall out herself. Twin Magic and an X-Factor pins Aksana at 2:20.

We come back from a break with Cena in the ring. He wants to talk about The Rock who isn’t here yet but he’ll be here next week. Cena doesn’t like the Rocky chants anymore because Rock has become Dwayne. Rock has a team around him now instead of doing things for himself. Cena congratulates Rock for all of his success but he’s got a real problem with Dwayne Johnson. This isn’t about promoting a movie and he knows his movies were horrible. The one thing about Cena that lets him sleep at night: he always showed up and he never left.

As for Dwayne, the first chance he had he was gone. Then Rock came back a year ago and said he’d never leave again and then he left again. Cena says he’ll get fined for this but the only reasons Rock came back were to promote Fast Five and launch his Twitter account. Cena is here to fight for everyone behind that curtain who wants to be a superstar and stay a superstar. This is for people who say they’re proud to be a professional wrestler.

The greatest thing about April first is April 9th when Rock will be on a movie set watching his stunt double. Rock is going to have to kill him to beat him and the headline is going to say John Cena defeats Dwayne Johnson in his hometown at Wrestlemania 28. See you next week movie star. WOW.

Punk comes out in the suit jacket to do commentary for the battle royal.

Battle Royal

Big Show, Cody Rhodes, R-Truth, Dolph Ziggler, Wade Barrett, Great Khali, The Miz, Kofi Kingston, Chris Jericho, Santino Marella

The winner gets Punk at Wrestlemania. Punk says Jericho’s entrance reminds him of a Lite Brite and he even sings the song. Ziggler has what appears to be a pink shirt tied around his waist. Everyone goes after Big Show almost immediately but it turns into a mod eliminating Khali. We take a break with nine remaining.

Back and Punk shouts Cole down saying that they’re back. I don’t think anyone has been eliminated. Kofi winds up on the apron and pulls Miz out there with him. They fight on the apron and Miz tries to throw Kofi back in for no apparent reason. Truth goes after him as well and Ziggler (minus the pink shirt) almost goes out. Cody and Wade try to put Show out but it doesn’t come close.

Show stands on Ziggler and Miz is thrown to the apron but he slides back in. He charges at Kofi and Truth but lands on the apron AGAIN. A double dropkick finally puts him out to an ERUPTION. Show looks at Kofi and Truth and hits a double chokeslam. Jericho grabs a Codebreaker out of nowhere. Zig Zag to Jericho and Cross Rhodes to Jericho. Winds of Change to Cody and Santino dumps Wade! And Truth! And then he gets his head kicked off by Dolph.

Show throws Ziggler whose head slams into the table in a SICK bump. Ok so it’s Show, Santino, Rhodes, Jericho, and Kofi. The announcers call for help for Dolph and we get an X. I think he might be legit hurt as that was a scary landing. Barrett’s arm might be messed up too. Kofi goes up top but Jericho shoves him off and Kofi’s feet hit the steps. Referees are running out to help Dolph and it looks bad.

There are four left. Jerry says he thinks Barrett has a broken arm and doesn’t sound like he’s kidding/kayfabing. Punk: “This has no bearing on anything but one of the EMTs looks like Rock N Roll Buck Zumhof.” There’s a stretcher for Ziggler. Show gets taken down by finishers and Santino loads up the Cobra and hits Jericho with it but Cody dumps him to get us down to three. Show throws out Rhodes and chops Jericho down. Rhodes grabs Show’s leg and Jericho’s throat. There are still EMTs with Ziggler. Jericho chokes Show to the apron and Rhodes helps get him out at 12:22. It’s Jericho vs. Punk at Wrestlemania.

Rating: C+. Other than Barrett breaking his arm and Ziggler apparently dying, this was a better than average battle royal. Apparently WWE needs more Buck Zumhof references. Jericho winning was obvious but at times there’s nothing wrong with that. Good match and good that the world championship closed the show.

Post match Punk gets in the ring and offers a handshake but Jericho says no and leaves.

Overall Rating: A. The wrestling wasn’t there (other than a downright nifty Sheamus vs. Henry match) but this was about launching us into Wrestlemania mode and they did that like I can’t remember in a very long. The build for the HHH/Taker match and the Rock vs. Cena match is incredible and the two title matches will be fine as well. I’m ready for Wrestlemania and that’s exactly what this show was supposed to be. Great stuff and I can’t wait for it. Oh and Cena – 5, Rock – 0.

Results
Sheamus b. Mark Henry – Brogue Kick
Kofi Kingston/R-Truth b. Epico/Primo – Trouble in Paradise to Primo
David Otunga b. Ezekiel Jackson – Spinebuster
Daniel Bryan b. Santino Marella – LeBell Lock
Bella Twins b. Aksana/Kelly Kelly – Bella Buster to Aksana
Chris Jericho won a battle royal last eliminating Big Show

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You know, because there’s a lack of heel Divas in the company right? Well at least someone turns heel out of this.

We pretty much have a good idea of what the upper half of Mania looks like at this point.

Raw World Title: Jericho vs. Punk
Smackdown World Title: Sheamus vs. Bryan
Undertaker vs. HHH III
Cena vs. Rock

My take:

I’m worried about this year’s show.  Other than Jericho vs. Punk and maybe Rock vs. Cena, is there any real drama in most of those matches?  The Streak will not end, Sheamus looks pretty much like a lock to win the title, and I’d be pretty surprised if Rock didn’t tap to Cena to end the show.

What do you think of these so far? What do you thing the rest of the card is going to look like?

Elimination Chamber 2012
Date: February 19, 2012
Location: Bradley Center, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Commentators: Michael Cole, Booker T, Jerry Lawler

This is the final stop on the Road to Wrestlemania, or the beginning of the road, depending on how you look at it. The even money would seem to be on both of the champions retaining here but you can never be sure. I mean, Santino is scheduled to be in this match so how sure can you be? Let’s get to it.

The opening video is exactly what you would imagine it is.

The Chamber is lowered.

Raw World Title: CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho vs. R-Truth vs. The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston

Jericho enters last due to winning a match on Raw two weeks ago. Punk and Kofi start us off. Naturally the two faces wrestle as faces. Also they’re not going to use a lot of energy this early in the match. Kofi goes to the ropes but might have slipped a bit. It was nothing bad though. They trade pinfall reversals and Kofi avoids the GTS. Punk avoids the Boom Drop and they go to the outside. Well as to the outside as you can go.

Punk blocks a kick and slingshots Kofi into the pod which has a great thud sound effect. Back into the ring but Punk has hurt his hip. It was probably due to that time when he got slammed out on the chain and landed on his hip, but that’s just speculation. Here’s the first pod opening and it’s…..a guy in pink trunks. The new idea they want to push is that it can go from a one on one match to a triple threat and so on. Great, another thing to have drilled into our heads.

Ziggler goes after Punk and does pullups on the Chamber wall. He splashes Kofi back in the ring and we’re told that pins have to take place in there. Good thing to clarify. A splash attempt on Punk misses and everyone is in some trouble. Punk and Kofi double team Dolph and go to the outside for a double springboard. In a cool looking visual, they both dive at Dolph but collide in the air off the springboards due to Dolph ducking.

Dolph can’t cover though so we open pod #2 after about three minutes. It’s R-Truth who works on the pink one. He’s no Bret Hart. Truth knocks Ziggler over the ropes to send Dolph leg first into the cage. Truth dives on top of him because he’s not that smart all the time. Scissors kick gets two in the ring. Punk does his usual ramming his head into the other guy’s ear to call a spot before superplexing Truth for two.

Trouble in Paradise misses Punk and Kofi gets thrown to the outside. Macho Elbow eliminates Truth but Ziggler grabs a rollup. Punk rolls through it and Kofi hits the kick on Punk (looked SICK). Ziggler goes after Kofi of course but Kofi fights him off. He can only get two on the champ though due to the delay. Kofi does the springboard into the Spider-Man cage grab then hits a tornado DDT Dolph onto the cage, basically knocking him silly.

Here’s Miz in fifth to clean house. Everyone is down now so Miz covers Dolph, getting two. Kofi gets up on the ropes and kicks Miz in the face but is knocked off and crashes into the cage. GTS and Finale are both blocked so Miz hits the short DDT for two. They head to the mat and Punk grabs the Vice on Miz, but wouldn’t you know it, Jericho comes in to break it up before the tap.

Jericho and Punk square off with Jericho in control. Walls and GTS are both blocked but the Lionsault hits for two. Ziggler comes back in and walks into the Codebreaker to get us down to four (Punk, Jericho, Miz, Kofi). Punk catches a Jericho dropkick and catapults Chris out to the cage again. Jericho gets rammed into the pods so he gets a finger into Punk’s eye and hides in the pod. That works for about two seconds as Punk follows him in.

Punk’s arm gets caught in the door and Jericho pulls on it to ram Punk into the pod door. Kofi remembers that he’s alive and tries the SOS on the cage, driving his own head into the cage. Miz and Kofi are the only ones up now but Miz misses the running clothesline and Kingston goes up. A superplex is countered as Punk powerbombs Miz for two. Kofi climbs to the top of the pod and dives onto both of them but can’t pin Miz.

Jericho comes in and Liontames Kofi for the elimination to get us down to three. He beats on Kofi after the elimination and throws him out of the Chamber. Punk kicks Jericho out of the Chamber and he’s unconscious. The referees say he’s done and say he’s not responsive. I’m REALLY not liking them doing this a week after what happened to Sorensen. The cameraman is down too but sits up a few seconds later.

Back in the ring Miz tries the Reality Check but Punk counters with a high kick for two. The running knee and bulldog get two but Punk springboards into the Finale for two. Miz freaks out and talks a lot of trash in the corner but misses a charge, hitting his head on the pod. GTS puts him out at 32:39 and I guess Jericho isn’t running in as a surprise since it’s over.

Rating: C+. The Chamber is one of those matches that gets an automatic higher grade to start. This was one of the weaker ones I can remember. For me the problem is that the main feud in this, Jericho and Punk, has no heat on it and there’s zero reason for this to be in the Chamber. They were the only two that had a chance in this but their feud has just begun with nothing but a run-in by Jericho, a promo and some staring. That’s the problem that these calendar based PPVs present and that looks like how the future will be.

We recap Santino getting his spot in the Chamber.

Santino drinks Raw eggs to Eugene’s music and with a towel that looks like it has the All That logo on it.

Remember those overly long videos on Rock and Cena? Here’s another one, this time on Cena’s training regimen and the gym he goes to. Some developmental guys work out there. This one wastes four minutes of PPV time.

Divas Title: Tamina Snuka vs. Beth Phoenix

Beth is wearing something inspired by Piper. This match could be subtitled “How many times can we remind you that Tamina is Jimmy Snuka’s daughter in a last ditch effort to make you care about her”. Tamina goes up quickly but gets knocked down to the outside. Beth pounds on her and Tamina barely gets back inside. Tamina gets up and hits a Samoan Drop but the Splash is broken up. Superplex gets two for Beth and Tamina chops her down. Superfly Splash gets two. Tamina goes up again but Beth brings her down, sends her into the buckle and the Glam Slam retains the title at 7:00.

Rating: D+. Call me sexist, call me a chauvinist, call me whatever you want, but I’m bored out of my mind every time the Divas are on screen. They’re waiting on Beth vs. Kharma which basically means they’re spending a year putting the whole division on hold, but at the end of the day is anyone going to care? I mean, who is Kharma going to feud with once she beats Beth? The division means nothing and it’s so uninteresting. The US Title can’t get on PPV because we have to see this. Right.

Santino punches some meat.

Jericho can’t talk.

Here’s Ace for his big announcement. He’s the Raw interim GM and he’s heard complaints about Smackdown’s GM Teddy Long. And never mind as here’s Alberto Del Rio! He says Teddy is a dog and likes to play favorites. Alberto wants Ace to be permanent Raw GM and the GM of Smackdown too. That brings out Henry who Cole thought was suspended (wasn’t he on Smackdown this week?).

Henry thinks Teddy is a bully who physically assaulted him. He supports the idea of Ace as permanent GM of both shows. Here’s Christian in a hat. Christian says that Teddy has been negligent and Smackdown is an unsafe working environment. He endorses Ace for GM as well. Ace has a picture taken of all four of them and then a second one. Now one with Otunga in it as well. And that’s that.

Santino runs some steps.

The Chamber is lowered. As in the ambulance match is main eventing ELIMINATION CHAMBER instead of an ELIMINATION CHAMBER.

Big Show says he has to win tonight.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Great Khali vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Santino Marella vs. Wade Barrett

Barrett and Big Show start in the ring. Show runs Barrett over to start but Barrett gets him down for one. They go outside and Show gets rammed into the cage door twice. Wade goes after the knee but Show kicks him off. We get a statement from Lawler saying that if you’re knocked out (like Jericho was) that counts as a submission. Why do I have a feeling this won’t be enforced later? Show wants Bryan as the buzzer goes off but gets Cody instead. Show is standing there waiting on him and things slow down a lot.

Cody gets thrown to the outside while Barrett is thrown back inside. Chokeslam to Barrett is countered and Wade chop blocks Show down. Cody and Barrett team up on Show and start fighting a few seconds later. Santino comes in fourth and after he hits his usual stuff, Show runs him over. Cody takes Show down by the knee though as the fans chant for Santino.

Barrett and Cody double suplex Show onto the steel to put him down. Cody hits the moonsault to Barrett and goes after Santino. No one is out yet. Rhodes rams the Cobra hand into the cage and Khali is in fifth. Chops and clotheslines for both heels and the Punjabi Plunge to Rhodes. One to Barrett as well and a chop to Santino. The giants face off and Show spears Khali for an elimination about 40 seconds after Khali entered.

Show keeps staring at Bryan and then even tries to reach in and grab him. He breaks the chains on the pod and has broken through. Bryan demands the door be opened but Show has broken in and climbed through the top. The place ERUPTS for this. The clock goes off to release Bryan but they’re both inside the pod. Bryan manages to get out but Show does the required breaking the plexiglass spot. You know, THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR.

Into the ring now and Show loads up the right hand. Oh wait it’s the chokeslam instead but Barrett kicks Show in the face before there’s a cover. Santino pops up for a quick rollup for two on Barrett but is then thrown to the outside. Cody hits two Beautiful Disasters to Show followed by a DDT. Barrett hits a middle rope DDT and Big Show is gone to a big reaction. So it’s Cody, Barrett, Bryan and Santino to go.

Make that three as Santino rolls up Cody to pin him. Cody hits Cross Rhodes to Santino. There’s Cody’s next feud I guess. Barrett covers Santino but it only gets two. Barrett hammers on him and ties Santino’s arms in the Chamber wall. The beating continues on Santino for awhile until Bryan gets back up with a flying knee to Barrett. Bryan goes up but Barrett knocks him part of the way into it again by the back of the head.

Barrett loads up Wasteland off the middle rope but Santino breaks it up because he’s an idiot. Santino tries a superplex but gets shoved off. He avoids an elbow and Bryan hits a top rope headbutt, allowing Santino to steal the pin, meaning he’s eliminated Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett. Bryan is very happy to see what he’s up against as it’s one on one now. It turns into a cat and mouse game and Santino even gets the Cobra for two. The LeBell Lock goes on and Santino taps at 33:57.

Rating: B-. Better match with better drama, but at the end of the day this wasn’t that great. Khali being out quick was fine but I have some real issues with them jobbing out their heels AGAIN for the sake of a one off thing. Barrett was this evil violent and cunning man and he loses to Santino. The same for the longest reigning IC Champion in 8 years. And for what? A pop because they can’t put the freaking US Champion in there? Ok I’m shutting up before I go too long with this. Match was ok, but nothing great.

Here’s Sheamus post match who takes Bryan out.

Time for unfunny comedy with Natalya. Cheese is present. Horny says that jack cheese is his favorite. Jack Swagger gets a cameo with Vickie, prompting a cottage cheese line. Justin Gabriel gets in Jack’s face so Teddy makes our filler match. Jack says that one man should run both shows. Teddy agrees but says it should be him. The match is for the title.

Buy Rock’s new DVD!

US Title: Jack Swagger vs. Justin Gabriel

Please change the title. Swagger controls to start and hits the Vader Bomb for no cover. Gabriel gets in some basic offense but Swagger grabs the ankle lock and wins by submission at 3:00. Of all the matches I’ve ever seen added to a PPV to fill in time, this was one of them.

Undertaker will be on Raw tomorrow.

We recap Cena vs. Kane. Kane wants Cena to embrace the hate, Cena says no. Kane does something bad to Cena to get him to embrace the hate, Cena says no. Kane does something bad to Cena then hurts Ryder to get him to embrace the hate, Cena says no. Kane does something bad to Cena then hurts Ryder then makes Cena make out with a hot woman to get him to embrace the hate, Cena says no. Conclusion? Ambulance match, duh.

John Cena vs. Kane

You win by putting your opponent in the ambulance and having it driven out of the arena. You know Walt Disney was an ambulance driver in World War I when he was about 14. True story. Kane’s broken leg by Henry has been changed into a self imposed exile. Ok then. Cena charges to start and they head to the floor. They fight by the ambulance and use some of the stuff inside it as well.

Back to the ring and Kane goes into the steps but takes over anyway. Kane hits the side slam but Cena ducks the clothesline. He hits some of his signature stuff but the AA is countered into a smother. Cena goes down and is out cold so Kane throws him to the floor. He goes under the ring and pulls out a wheelchair. Well at least he’s making sure Cena is comfortable.

Cena escapes the chair and they fight to the ambulance again. Kane gets slammed into the vehicle and put into the chair. Cena rolls the chair into some production stuff. They fight into the tech area and Cena goes all beast mode. He asks Booker if this gets him a spot in the Fave Five and rams the steps into Kane’s head. John sets up the steps and tries to AA Kane through the table but Kane reverses into a chokeslam through it instead.

Kane goes up to the ambulance and gets a stretcher on wheels. Kane gets him in the ambulance but can’t close the second door. Cena kicks it into Kane’s face and they fight to the cab of the ambulance. John climbs onto the roof of the cab and then on top of the ambulance. They slug it out up there and Cena AA’s Kane off the ambulance into a conveniently placed area we can’t see. At least you couldn’t see the crash pad. He puts Kane in, closes the doors and it’s over at 21:21.

Rating: C+. The match was ok but it wasn’t great at all. Why this finished the show rather than one of the title matches is beyond me, unless something changes after the match. Cena winning was obvious and that’s fine. At least it ends this horrible storyline for good (in theory).

Overall Rating: D. Let’s see. The namesake match didn’t main event the show, the world titles didn’t change, the presumptive Mania matches are exactly what we thought they would be, and Cena wins again. Why exactly did this show exist again? I really didn’t like this one at all and it feels like WWE is being dragged into Mania instead of hitting it head on. They really need to crank things up before the PPV because in my eyes, what they’re doing heading into it isn’t working.

Results
CM Punk b. The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Kofi Kingston, Chris Jericho and R-Truth – Punk last eliminated The Miz after a GTS
Beth Phoenix b. Tamina Snuka – Glam Slam
Daniel Bryan b. Great Khali, Big Show, Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes and Santino Marella – Bryan last eliminated Marella with the LeBell Lock
Jack Swagger b. Justin Gabriel – Ankle Lock
John Cena b. Kane – Cena put Kane in the ambulance

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And they wonder why people think they’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Is there some law saying SD can’t main event a PPV?

It’s the last show before we really get on the Road to Wrestlemania.I think I’m going to go with the champions to retain.  I don’t see anyone taking Bryan out, especially if Big Show is going to fight Shaq at Mania like the rumors say.  Same with Punk, unless they go with Jericho to set up Punk proving he’s the best in the world by taking his title back.

Tamina I guess, not that it matters.

Cena over Kane for obvious reasons.

I’ll throw in a pair of bonus matches of Swagger retains over whomever he defends against and Sheamus squashes someone.

Your thoughts/picks?

Monday Night Raw
Date: August 21, 2006
Location: Webster Bank Arena, Bridgeport, Connecticut
Attendance: 5,700
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Another night, another requested show, another with no idea why it’s on this list. Anyway, this is Raw from 2006, meaning Edge is champion….I think. The main event is Flair vs. Orton, in a match that is probably nowhere near as good as it was supposed to be but they didn’t have anyone else to put out there other than Flair since the world champion is in the middle of the card. Let’s get to it.

This is the night after Summerslam where Hogan beat Orton.

Here’s Edge to open the show without the belt. He talks about how he’s been waiting for this night for his entire life. Everyone bought tickets to see Cena here as the new champion but they were ALL WRONG! Hey you, the kid in the front row. YOU WERE WRONG! If he’s champion, where’s his title? And where’s his girlfriend? Lita (with a top cut down to her navel) pops up on the screen with the WWE Title near a harbor. Lita throws it into the water.

Edge says that this is the beginning of a new era. Smoke comes down from the ceiling and when it’s gone, there’s a new title hanging on a hook. It’s a new spinner belt with a Rated R logo on it. Edge says if there’s anyone in the back that wants a shot at the title, bring it on. Cue the returning Jeff Hardy, back on Raw for the first time in about four years. So that’s why this was requested. Edge runs his mouth about Matt so Jeff takes him down and loads up the Swanton but Edge runs.

Ad for the McMahon DVD. That’s one of the funniest DVDs you’ll ever see.

Eugene/Jim Duggan/Highlanders vs. Spirit Squad

This would be the Squad minus Mitch. Eugene and I think Johnny start things off. Mitch is the one on the floor. Got it. Johnny kicks Eugene in the ribs in a battle of OVW legends. There’s an airplane spin from Eugene and here’s Robbie. The Spirit Squad are using a Freebird Rule on steroids to be five man tag team champions. Off to Kenny, the leader of the team who gets two off a clothesline.

Mikey in now with some crossface shots. Mitch and Nick (Dolph Ziggler) cheer Mikey on, meaning they’re playing the gimmick perfectly. Robbie fights off everyone in the corner for a few seconds but there are too many cheerleaders. The fans want Hacksaw. Here’s Nicky and he represents Exhibit A as to never say never about someone. Back to Kenny, the star of the team and the guy that hasn’t been seen in years.

This match is probably getting more time than it needs, especially when we’re waiting on Hacksaw to get the hot tag and destroy everything in sight. Kenny misses his nearly perfect guillotine legdrop and there’s the tag to Rory, meaning the fans don’t care all that much. He hits what we would call the Irish Curse and everything breaks down. Duggan gets a big reaction. The Highlanders get Nick alone and hit the Scot Drop (double team reverse slingshot suplex) for the pin.

Rating: D+. The time hurt it here and Duggan not being in officially killed the crowd. The Highlanders were funny for a little while (and by that I mean for their vignettes) and then they became any other tag team. They never won the titles and then Robbie showed up at Impact in the crowd and got a huge fine or something like that.

Edge wants to find Vince but gets Coach (and an endorsement for the McMahon DVD). Edge vs. Jeff non-title is made for later. The champ leaves just as Vince gets here and he throws Coach out. The McMahons (Shane is with him) say that the illegal man was pinned last night so this isn’t over with DX.

Orton says he had Hogan beaten and Hogan getting his foot on the rope shouldn’t mean anything. Flair is a bigger legend than Hogan too. Carlito pops up and says seeing Hogan win last night was cool. Randy: “At least I was on Summerslam.” Orton yells some more and leaves.

HHH is reading a magazine and then talks to the camera a bit. Last night the McMahons tried everything to beat DX (including male cheerleaders, a leprechaun, a chubby giant, and a cannibal) but DX overcame and won. They were on the way to Bridgeport when they saw Vince’s private plane. Shawn pops up with an overly dramatic plane crash sequence using a toy plane. HHH says they found the private hanger where Vince keeps his 30 million dollar plane and there was a little incident. Shawn scratched the paint but HHH says he doesn’t think Vince will notice. The camera pans over to a giant DX painted on the side.

Vince is very mad and grunts. He shoves the TV he was watching and I think he starts to cry.

Victoria vs. Trish Stratus

They slug it out to start and Trish hits a splash in the corner followed by a dropkick. Trish knocks her to the floor and hits the Thesz Press to the floor. Clothesline gets two back in the ring. Victory roll gets the same and you know Lawler was happy with that. Stratusfaction is countered into a backbreaker and Victoria works on the back a bit. They go to the corner and Trish hits a middle rope hurricanrana but Victoria pops up and tries the Widow’s Peak. Trish escapes and Stratusfaction ends this clean.

Rating: C+. This was FAR better than any Divas match that we’ve had in years. It’s only about three minutes long and they did more good looking stuff than the modern batch of Divas have done in I don’t know how long. Trish was gorgeous but she could also have some great matches. Victoria is no slouch either.

The McMahons come out immediately after the match ends and Vince is mad. He yells at the fans for encouraging DX for their degeneracy. Ok see, there’s a difference between being a jerk and vandalism. Thankfully Vince knows this and has called the cops to have DX arrested. With that, we go to a break.

We come back and the McMahons are still here so let’s go to the airport where the cops are waiting. Instead we cut to DX who aren’t at the airport. So they’re fugitives now. They’re on top of the WWE headquarters and talk about how everyone has left their marks on places they’ve discovered or reached first. HHH talks about the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor but Vince stops him before he gets on a roll. The camera pans way out and there’s a huge DX painted on the side of the building. Vince looks like he’s going to be sick. He starts crying and walks to the back very slowly.

On this day seven years ago, Smackdown debuted.

After a break it’s STILL on the McMahons with Foley popping up. He asks Vince how he’s doing and says he’s not having such a great night himself. Vince says he doesn’t like Foley and to stop calling him Vince. Tonight, since DX isn’t here, Foley can join Vince’s exclusive club. If Foley doesn’t do it, someone gets fired.

Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

Non-title and clearly this needs to be in the middle of the show instead of in the main event spot right? The version of the video I have speeds up a lot here which makes JR sound like William Shattner as Captain Kirk. Jeff starts with a baseball slide and the fight starts on the floor. Edge takes over by sending him into the steps and gets two in the ring. He bends Jeff around the post to work on the back.

Jeff sends him into the buckle and goes up but Edge moves. DDT gets two. Edge hits a quick Edge-O-Matic to take over and get two at the same time. Whisper in the Wind out of nowhere gets two also. Twist of Fate sets up the Swanton and Edge is in big trouble. Lita has to make the save…and here’s Cena for the DQ.

Rating: C+. These two know each other so well that it’s almost impossible for them to have a bad match together. Jeff was being put back into things carefully because he hadn’t been around the WWE style for a long time. He would get into the IC Title picture very soon and would get the title in a few months/weeks.

Cena knocks Edge into the back and they fight to a break. Back and the fight continues. Edge is knocked into various objects but he manages to get in a right hand. Cena throws Edge into the water where Lita threw the belt earlier.

Foley is in the back when Melina comes up to encourage him.

Intercontinental Title: Kane vs. Johnny Nitro

Kane beat Shelton to get this shot. Nitro runs as much as he can and gets in a few shots here and there. Melina won’t stop screaming. Kane hammers him down and hits the top rope clothesline and Umaga runs in for the DQ.

Umaga beats Kane down and hits a bunch of Samoan Spikes on him.

Layla won the Divas Search.

Marine trailer debuts.

Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair

Flair is covered in bandages and has a black eye after the I Quit match with Foley last night. All Orton to start as he beats Flair into the ground with basic offense. Back to the floor and Flair is sent into the steps. Orton stomps around Flair’s body and the RKO finishes this clean. Total squash.

Orton beats on him even more post match until the decision is reversed. Carlito makes the save.

Here’s Foley for the Vince kissing segment club. Foley says he won’t do it because he doesn’t need this job. “I’ve saved a bunch of money over the years on apparel and haircuts.” Vince says if he doesn’t do it, Melina is fired. She says don’t do it but Foley says Melina will be a big star (really?) so he’ll get it over with. In a funny moment, Foley freaks out on Vince and demands he take his pants down.

Foley does it and Melina hits him low. Vince fires Foley. The McMahons and Melina leave and Vince talks trash. He and Shane get outside and Vince says he thinks DX has broken him. Vince gets in his limo, drives away…..and there’s a chain attached to the axle which rips it and the wheels off. DX is painted on the side of it and Vince starts to cry.

Overall Rating: D. This show sums up most of the problems of this era: the whole summer was about Vince and eventually Shane vs. DX, and it wasn’t funny. DX never really broke a sweat against them because at the end of the day, it’s Shawn Michaels and HHH vs. 5 cheerleader jobbers and the McMahons. The stuff to “break” Vince isn’t funny in the slightest and the whole thing was a mess. Also, why in the world was the return of a big name fighting probably his biggest rival who is world champion on in the middle of the show? To see Flair for 2 minutes? Really? Bad show.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: February 13, 2012
Location: Valley View Casino Center, San Diego, California
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

It’s the final show before Elimination Chamber which is the final major show before Wrestlemania. That being said, the Chamber is pretty much set and it appears that one way or another, Punk and Jericho will be feuding after the PPV. It should be interesting to see what the final push is here and if they add any other matches to the card beforehand. Let’s get to it.

We open with the ending of last week’s show where Kane got in Eve’s face. Kane says that tonight, Cena embraces the hate and someone takes a ride in the ambulance.

We open in the arena….with a debate. All six of the Raw guys in the Chamber are going to have a debate. Punk is asked how he thinks he’ll overcome the odds when he’s interrupted by Ace. Ace is back and that’s about it. As for the question, Punk says this debate will NOT end in violence. As for old snickleprints, aka Clown Shoes, congratulations for maintaining power. Punk thinks Ace must have something like beastiality pictures of the Board members to keep his job. He’ll win because he’s the best in the world.

Vickie asks for no booing and Dolph says he’s better than everyone. Truth says if he’s elected, he’ll trade Vickie and Dolph for Hornswoggle and a box of spiders. Ziggler: “HOW DO YOU WORK HERE???” Truth will also make it legally required to say WHAT after every line of the Pledge of Allegiance. Now back to the issue at hand, he’s going to stomp that box of spiders and make them into Spider Stew, which is high in protein and low in carbs. With Little Jimmy by his side, he’ll drink the stew which will make him strong enough to win the Chamber.

Miz gets to follow that. He says he was the main event of Wrestlemania last year. As for his opponents, Kofi is an afterthought, Truth is insane and should be replaced by Little Jimmy. Punk will melt faster than his ice cream bars. Ziggler has only scored with an old woman….and the buzzer rings before Miz can get to Jericho. He keeps talking and the buzzer keeps going.

Kofi says everything can change in one night and he’s tired of being an afterthought. We actually get a Kofi chant. Jericho says he’s surrounded by neophytes and that he’s the best in the world. He’s been in more Chambers and eliminated more people than anyone ever has. He won the last time he was in it too. Punk should just give him the title right now. Punk says he was thinking of the time when Jericho finished 7th on Dancing With The Stars.

Dolph goes off and says this is stupid. Truth says he won’t be talked down to by a man named after Flipper, and we get some dolphin sounds. Jerry says we’re getting all six of them in singles matches tonight, so let’s start with Jericho vs. Kofi. Jericho shoves his podium over and walks up to Punk. Punk holds up the title and Kofi kicks Jericho’s head off.

Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston

This starts after a break. Jericho is still shaken up so Kofi clotheslines him to the outside and hits a suicide dive. Jericho goes face first into the table and they head back in. Chris gets in some right hands and a senton backsplash for two. Off to a modified chinlock but Kofi comes back with a cross body. Jerry makes fun of Jericho’s statements that he came up with all those ideas. Kofi tries a springboard dropkick but lands in the Walls. He makes the ropes after a good while but pops up with Trouble in Paradise which gets a very delayed two. Jericho gets up and the Codebreaker ends this clean at 5:21.

Rating: B-. The match was good but I really don’t get the idea of having Kofi talk about becoming a bigger deal and then having him lose clean like this. Yeah he got in a lot of offense, but maybe they shouldn’t be having matches between six guys that you want to look strong going into a PPV match between them. Just a thought.

We get a clip from the Rumble with Ryder getting Tombstoned.

Cena is with Ryder in the back and Ryder is in a neckbrace and wheelchair. Ryder has flowers for Eve though because he can’t stay away from her. Cena offers to bring her here and keep watch.

Otunga says Ace isn’t the permanent GM but he has an idea to make him GM of both shows.

We recap Big show vs. Orton on Smackdown and get some post show bonus footage where Show chokeslammed Orton.

Here’s Bryan for commentary I believe.

Big Show vs. Randy Orton

This also starts after a break. Show throws Orton around as the size is just too much for Randy. Orton is all shaken as we take a break. Back with Randy holding a sleeper. He jumps on Show’s back and Show goes down to one knee. Show breaks it up but walks into a great dropkick. Orton covers but is launched to the floor on the kickout. Show glares at Bryan who Cole has been complimenting all match.

Another dropkick drapes Show on the top rope and it’s a SUPER elevated DDT. Cole calls it extra vintage. How can it be vintage when it’s never happened before? Orton loads up the RKO and they horribly botch it with Orton never even leaving his feet. Show tries a chokeslam but Randy escapes and hits a good RKO as Bryan runs in for the DQ at 7:21.

Rating: C+. Better match here than Bryan and Show have been having lately. That’s not a knock on Bryan, but there’s only so much Show can sell for him without it getting ridiculous. The botched RKO was awful but the DDT was pretty cool. Bryan running in might as well have been plastered on a board, but this wasn’t terrible.

Bryan lays them both out with the belt post match.

Here’s Shawn for his big promo with HHH. Shawn talks about how people on Twitter ask him why he always shows up at this time of year. BECAUSE IT’S WRESTLEMANIA!!! He says he can’t be the Main Event anymore, but he can be Mr. Hall of Fame now.

Last week he was watching Raw (and yes he gets TV in the middle of nowhere place that he lives) and was waiting for HHH to say yes to Undertaker. Shawn heard him say no and then called Ace, saying he needed to talk to HHH. Then he thought HHH was just messing with the people and Undertaker. Shawn calls out HHH and even plays air guitar during the entrance.

Here’s the Game and they hug. They throw up an X as required by law. HHH says it’s great to see Shawn who has managed to stop hunting wabbits with Elmer Fudd. However, HHH isn’t going to face Taker at the PPV. Shawn saw Undertaker leave last year and HHH know he’d have to end Taker to beat him, and that’s not the guy he is anymore. Shawn says he’s stuck by HHH forever, even when he married that girl. Did that make HHH one of them, as in a corporate sellout?

The Game doesn’t like that. He says it’s called investing in the future. HHH says Shawn can’t understand it so they’re not having this argument here. Shawn says he’s a simple guy and it’s hard for him to understand this corporate stuff. However, he knows a coward when he sees one. No matter how much money you put around it, a coward is still a coward. The fans chant one more match and HHH leaves. Shawn says yeah walk away like a coward.

HHH freaks and comes back, saying Shawn can’t understand what’s going on. Shawn sits on his ranch with his wife and kids but HHH has real life responsibilities. All of this is going to be his and it means its his responsibility. You can’t look at Taker like an opponent because you can’t. Undertaker is a brand who is good for business. Their breed is gone and there’s a new one in town. Only Taker is left and HHH won’t be the one to end that era.

HHH goes nuclear on Shawn, saying that Shawn can’t push HHH to do what Shawn couldn’t get done. Shawn says that’s a great speech that would work on most people, but he’s at peace with where he’s at. HHH has no peace though. He needs to look Shawn in the eye and say he doesn’t want to end the Streak. HHH starts to walk away but Shawn pulls him back and says look him in the ey. There goes the jacket and Shawn puts the mic down. HHH looks him in the eye and says no. Shawn looks like he’s about to cry. He leaves and HHH stands alone in the ring.

He goes to leave…..and a gong sounds. We get another promo video from Taker saying this isn’t over. Taker’s hands are seen pulling out a nice and cutting his hair. He says keep your pity and give me what is mine: immortality. Back in the arena HHH pulls his tie off and we go to a break. WOW that was good.

R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler

Dolph takes over to start and hits a dropkick. He struts around and does his handstand in the chinlock. There’s a slam and Ziggy does his situps. Truth however rolls him up for a pin at 2:35.

Santino comes to see Ryder and offers him a breath mint. This isn’t funny.

Tamina Snuka vs. Brie Bella

The name change should help. Beth is on commentary for this and will defend the title on Sunday against Tamina. Brie takes over quickly but Tamina hits a jawbreaker to escape. Snuka hits Nikki and then a Samoan Drop to set up the Superfly Splash for the pin at 1:25. Just how I like my Divas matches: nice and short.

Video on The Rock. He’s a movie star you know.

We go to Cena for a reaction on that video but we hear a woman screaming. It’s Eve who is being thrown into the ambulance by Kane. Cena comes to her rescue but the door is locked. Kane gets back up and slams Cena into said door before getting into the driver’s seat. Cena manages to get up and open the door and Eve dives to him. Kane drives off and Eve kisses him. Cena asks what that was for. We pan over to Ryder who is STUNNED and wants to know what that was.

After a break Ryder is wheeling away and is sorry to see that happens. She just wants to be friends. Ryder is disgusted and wheels away.

CM Punk vs. The Miz

Somehow it’s 10:48 already. This show has flown by and in a good way. Poor Zack is the #1 trending topic in the world. Miz takes over to start and works on the left arm. Reality Check is countered and Punk kicks Miz’s head off. Notice that Punk shakes the feeling back into his arm. That’s called selling and it’s a GOOD THING. Punk strikes away but the arm isn’t working right.

Miz pounds on the arm some more so Punk uses his right arm and legs. The knee and a right arm bulldog look to set up the GTS. Miz escapes into the short DDT for two and there’s the running clothesline in the corner. He comes off the top but Punk grabs a powerslam for two. The Macho Elbow (presumably) is broken up and Miz loads up a superplex. Punk comes back and hits the elbow for two. Miz pops up and tries the Finale but Punk reverses into the Anaconda Vice for the tap at 5:00.

Rating: C. This was a quick match but it wasn’t that bad at all. Miz kept moving and that’s the right idea. He’s not great in the ring but when he’s going fast enough and doesn’t have to be on offense all that much, he can be pretty entertaining. I’m not wild about him losing clean in five minutes, but whatever.

The ambulance is back.

Post break here’s Cena. He says there was an awkward moment back there and for what it’s worth Zack, he’s sorry. This was Kane’s plan all along: to turn everyone against him and make him embrace the hate. It’s a solid plan and it would have worked on anybody else. He’s not anybody else though. For some reason people think there’s an evil switch he can just turn on and off. The fans chant that they don’t hate him.

Cena says it’s been like six years and he’s comfortable in his own skin. Cena says he rises above hate and maybe they were chanting we all hate you. The people can think he’s a lady part having Fruity Pebbles guy, which draws a Fruity Pebbles chant. He says he’ll keep adapting and winning. This Sunday, Kane leaves in an ambulance. As for Dwayne (Rocky chant), Cena has a message for him for Wrestlemania.

Hold that though as here’s Ryder in the wheelchair. He gets up on his crutches and very slowly walks down to the ring. Cena tries to explain but Ryder knocks the mic out of his hands. Cena tries to explain again but Ryder slaps him. John takes the shirt off and the fans chant broken back. Ryder says Cena was never his friend and goes to hit Cena again.

Cena blocks it and pulls his own fist back but Ryder falls to the floor. Ryder says stay away from him and leaves. Cena didn’t hit him. Kane pops up on screen and says that Cena has embraced the hate. Sunday will be his last match until Mania because Cena will have his body leaving the WWE in an ambulance. Kane asks for a round of applause for Cena.

Kane then pops up behind Ryder and SHOVES HIM OFF THE STAGE IN HIS WHEELCHAIR! Cena panics and says get help which is there almost immediately. Eve comes out showing off some nice crack and is all worried. The fans chant for Cena for some reason. Ryder is taken out to end the show.

Overall Rating: A-. There isn’t much to fault in this show. This was almost all storyline but they were on fire with them tonight. The stories were interesting and we got some great moments like Ryder’s shock and awe over the kiss. I’m curious as to what they’re doing with him but they can’t have more bad stuff happen to him. Oh who am I kidding, of course they can. Great show tonight.

Results
Chris Jericho b. Kofi Kingston – Codebreaker
Randy Orton b. Big Show via DQ when Daniel Bryan interfered
R-Truth b. Dolph Ziggler – Small Package
Tamina Snuka b. Brie Bella – Superfly Splash
CM Punk b. The Miz – Anaconda Vice

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Monday Night Raw
Date: November 23, 2009
Location: Giant Center, Hershey, Pennsylvania
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler
Guest Host: Jesse Ventura

This is another request and it looks like a show with a lot of wrestling on it. Maybe this is a three hour show? Oh ok this is the show with the Breakthrough battle royal, as in the battle royal where the people in it haven’t been world champion in awhile or something like that. Orton is in it so that kind of throws things out the window. Let’s get to it.

I didn’t realize they were using Burn It To The Ground this early.

Yeah it’s a three hour show.

Ventura is introduced but we get Orton instead. This is the night after Survivor Series where Orton’s team lost to Kofi’s team. Orton talks about how Jesse is a radical and someone not afraid to break the rules. He’s not supposed to face Cena for the title anymore but since the guest host can do whatever he wants, Jesse can lift Orton’s ban so he can have his title shot. He requests Jesse’s presence and here’s the Body.

Tonight Jesse’s a wrestler and not the governor. He’s the boss tonight so what he says goes. Orton reminds Jesse of himself when he was younger. Jesse is the revolution, not a part of one party or another. Therefore he’s bringing something new to the WWE tonight. Orton isn’t getting a shot, because it’s the same people getting a shot time after time.

Orton runs through a bunch of the main event guys who he thinks are getting the shot but Jesse says no to each. Tonight there will be a series of matches and they’ll be between people who have never been world champion. The winners will be in a battle royal and the winner is the new #1 contender. Also tonight, we’re getting some firsts, like John Cena vs. CM Punk, as well as DX vs. Hart Dynasty.

Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifying Match: Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler

Before the match we get a clip of Kofi saving Piper from being punted and hitting the big dive in MSG. Ziggler is more or less just a comedy character at this point. Kofi knocks him into the corner to start but his jump at Ziggler misses and Dolph takes over. Elbow gets two. He has a lot of the show off character in him already and it’s working for him. There’s a chinlock but Kofi pops up and hits the Boom Drop and Trouble in Paradise to qualify for the battle royal later.

Rating: C-. Too short to mean anything but these two have solid chemistry together. Kofi was a bigger star here though so the ending wasn’t really ever in doubt, especially with Kofi being in the middle of his big feud with Orton. He was probably the favorite in the battle royal going into it.

Miz, the US Champion, is thankful for nothing because he expects greatness. The people should be thankful that they get to watch him.

Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifying Match: Sheamus vs. Finlay

Sheamus eliminated Finlay from the Survivor Series match last night so there’s a backstory here. Finlay takes it to the floor quickly and knocks him over the table. Sheamus takes over back inside and sends Finlay into the post shoulder first. High Cross ends this quick.

Sheamus destroys Finlay post match.

Teddy Long is thankful for….something but Vickie cuts him off. She’s the consultant and brags about it a lot. Eric Escobar is here to waste some time. Teddy tries to hit Vickie in the face with the mashed potatoes but Escobar intercepts them.

Promo for Jesse’s new show Conspiracy Theories.

Orton comes in to talk to Jesse and says he wants in the battle royal and there’s a conspiracy against him. Jesse thinks there might be something to that because of the boss of the company.

Here’s Punk to talk before his match with Cena. Punk is heel now and will be starting the Straight Edge Society pretty soon after this. Punk says he’s thankful for being straightedge. He wouldn’t want to be any of these people and explains what straightedge means. Punk condemns everyone that commits gluttony on Thanksgiving and talks about how they’re all going to use a crutch afterwards. Through his sober eyes, he can see John Cena.

CM Punk vs. John Cena

Feeling out process to start, resulting in Cena ramming into Punk which hurts Punk’s shoulder. Cena takes over by ramming Punk into buckles but the STF can’t be hooked yet. We take a break and come back with Punk holding a headscissors on the mat. Apparently Punk hit a springboard clothesline to take over during the break. Cena stands up into an electric chair as Punk panics.

Cena can’t really get anything going after that though. Punk whips him into the corner and Cena is in trouble. Neckbreaker gets two. Cena comes back with the shoulders and ProtoBomb. Shuffle looks to set up the FU but Punk flips over the top. Punk tries the GTS but Cena lands on his feet and leg drags Punk into the STF. Punk makes the rope though and things slow down.

High kick puts Cena down for a very long two. This is starting to get good which means that it’s probably over. There’s the running knee in the corner but John counters the bulldog. Top rope Fameasser hits for two. Another AA attempt is countered by a dropkick for two. Punk tries another running knee in the corner but Cena ducks and hits a middle rope AA for the pin.

Rating: B. It’s not quite MITB 2011 but once the commercial was over this got a lot better in a hurry. These two have chemistry together and every time you see them in the ring together you’re going to get a treat. The kickouts at the end were getting very good very quickly and it’s cool to see Cena have to do something bigger than his usual finishers, which is what made this work so well.

Vince comes up to see Jesse in the back and says he won’t accept a challenge for a match. Jesse says that’s not why he’s here. He wants Vince to be hurt mentally. Jesse gets in a great line as he talks about how the state of Minnesota’s budget was over 30 billion dollars a year, so this company is tiny by comparison. Tonight, Vince is going to be an announcer like when he first started. Jesse hands him a tuxedo and says go get ready. We even get the return of the bowtie!

Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifying Match: Chavo Guerrero/Jack Swagger/Chris Masters vs. Mark Henry/MVP/R-Truth

All three winners advance. Swagger vs. MVP to get us going. MVP takes over quickly and knocks Swagger down with a right hand for two. We get a weird sequence as Chavo tries to come in off the top onto MVP but MVP kind of catches him in a suplex. It looked really awkward. Off to Masters and MVP is in trouble. Truth comes in for some bad punches and it’s off to Henry to clean house. Lie Detector by Truth pins Masters. This was nothing again.

DX is in the back and HHH wants to know why Shawn kicked him last night in the triple threat. Shawn says it was for the championship and he thought HHH would Pedigree him first. HHH says Shawn kicked him three times. Shawn says he was aiming for Cena….and they’re interrupted by a midget lawyer who serves them with papers. Oh dear.

Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifying Match: Evan Bourne vs. Primo

And never mind as Orton jumps Primo during his entrance and throws him off the stage.

Orton comes to the ring and says he’s taking Primo’s spot. Jesse pops up on the Tron and says he likes Orton’s style so he gets the qualifying spot instead of Primo. He says he always broke rules so it’s ok here. That somehow makes sense.

Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifying Match: Evan Bourne vs. Randy Orton

Orton sends Bourne into the post for two almost immediately. Bourne comes back with some high flying stuff and the double knees from the top get two. RKO hits about a second later for the pin.

We get some clips of Vince and Jesse on commentary.

Trailer for The Marine 2.

Kelly Kelly/Mickie James/Melina vs. Michelle McCool/Layla/Jillian

It’s Pilgrims vs. Indians with the bad girls being the Pilgrims. Cole and Jerry crack up during the entrances. There’s a special guest timekeeper: The Gobbledy Gooker. I’ve got NOTHING. The Indians come out to Tatanka’s music. Melina vs. Jillian starts us off. Jillian takes over to start and the fans are silent. Laycool walks out and Melina pins Jillian. So freaking stupid but Kelly’s legs looked great.

Jerry goes in to talk to the winners post match and the Gooker jumps Melina. It’s the returning Maryse. Maryse takes forever to get out of the costume. Well she certainly looks great.

D-Generation X vs. Hart Dynasty

Shawn vs. Kidd to start us off. I’d love to see them have a 4 minute match or so. Shawn knocks him down and nips up but it’s off to Smith. The Harts take over on Shawn via the power of Smith. Back to Kidd who hooks a chinlock. Smith loads up a powerslam but Shawn slips off his back and they ram heads. There’s the double tag and HHH comes in to face Kidd. Spinebusters all around but Smith breaks up the Pedigree. Shawn breaks up something from Smith with Chin Music and the Pedigree takes out Kidd for the pin.

Rating: C. Quick match but nothing to see here. It’s nice to see guys like the Harts get to rub elbows with DX and there’s no point to seeing them win here. The idea here was that DX needed to prove they were still together and a cohesive unit, especially given what’s happening after the match.

Post match Jericho comes out and says that DX gets the title shot against Jeri-Show for the titles at TLC. HHH makes fat jokes about Big Show and Shawn says that it’ll be a TLC match. Jericho cuts off the catchphrase and goes on a rant about how DX may be great but they’ve never been tag team champions. You know, because those are so valuable.

Here’s Batista to Rey’s music. Last night Batista turned heel and destroyed Rey. Batista talks about how Rey had a chance to be a tough guy but last night he had to explain things to Rey. He talks about destroying Rey last night with three Batista Bombs and here’s Kane. He wants to know what Batista is going to do about Kane interrupting him. Kane asks Dave to make an example out of him. Batista drops the mic and walks out.

Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifying Match: Cryme Tyme vs. Legacy

Both winners advance. Cody and JTG get us going but Cody makes a blind tag to give Legacy the advantage. Cody hits a release suplex and a dropkick gets two. Off to Shad who does a bit better with the power stuff. Monty Brown’s Alpha Bomb gets two on Ted. Everything breaks down and Dream Street pins Shad. Too short to grade but it was your run of the mill tag team squash.

Kane vs. Batista on Friday.

The Divas have a pie fight, resulting in Santino taking one in the face. He takes more and more as he keeps bashing women but winds up knocking one into Vickie’s face.

Breakthrough Battle Royal

Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Kofi Kingston, Sheamus, Randy Orton

Vince and Jesse are on commentary for this one. Vince comes out to the theme from SNME which is just awesome. It’s great to hear Vince on commentary as he clearly loves what his product is and is a promoter at heart. Legacy stays in one corner and immediately go after Kofi. It’s a big brawl but Sheamus stays in a corner to himself. Orton is on the floor but he went through the ropes.

Things slow down before they ever got going. I don’t think Sheamus has had any contact with anyone yet. He was biding his time though and picks off R-Truth, throwing him out after a clothesline. Legacy works over Kofi in the corner and Orton is back in. Sheamus Brogue Kicks MVP and tosses him to get us down to six. Henry goes after Sheamus but Legacy makes the save for some reason. Sheamus is on the apron but gets back in.

Henry double clotheslines Legacy to the floor but Sheamus drills him in the back and dumps Henry. We’re down to Orton, Kofi and Sheamus. Orton and Kofi hammer away on each other and Sheamus gets knocked down. Jesse goes on a small anti-Chaney rant as Kofi is sent to the floor. He skins the cat though and headscissors Randy out. Sheamus takes Kofi’s head off with a double ax, knocking him to the floor to become #1 contender.

Rating: D. Very boring match but it was a great thing to see them really trying to push someone else as a main event guy. That was something that was badly missing at this point and pushing Sheamus was as good a move as they could have made. It gave them some fresh blood in the main event and if 2009 taught us anything, it was that Raw was dying for fresh main event blood.

Verne Troyer is hosting next week. Oh geez.

We’re having the contract signing for Cena vs. Sheamus right now to close the show. Jesse demands that Cena get out here right now and here’s the champ to his traditional mixed reaction. They sit down and Sheamus says he’s the #1 contender. Cena says that usually, the guy saying that is a future Hall of Famer. Cena wants to know why he should take Sheamus seriously after all he’s done is beat up Lawler and Noble. John says he’s been here for 8 years and gone against the best and is champion today because he’s earned it.

Cena goes into serious mode and says this is all he’s got. He’s gone up against everyone and every single one of them has been taken down. When Sheamus signs that contract, he better be ready to go to war. Both guys sign and Ventura thinks there’s a conspiracy to keep Cena champion. Cena is the perfect looking champion that everyone wants. Jesse didn’t get a title shot because he was a rebel. Cena gets in Jesse’s face, allowing Sheamus to kick his head off. Sheamus rams him into the post and then powerslams him through the table. Jesse says it’s a table match for the title. Sheamus holds up the title to end the show.

Overall Rating: C-. It’s not a terrible showbut the three hours weren’t needed. Pushing someone new to the main event is a fine idea but getting there was a problem. Some of these matches could have been clipped and the show would have been fine. It’s not bad but it takes so long to get to the good ending that you’re not going to care once you get there. Jesse is always worth seeing though.

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Does it ever strike anyone else as odd that a lot of the contracts for main event level matches are signed the week of the show? I’m watching a Raw from 2009 and Cena is signing to face JBL at the Rumble on the last Raw before the PPV. Shouldn’t they have this locked up earlier than that?