We’re coming off a good Nitro (I’m as shocked as you are) and have ten days before Uncensored. The main stories seem to be a bunch of rematches from SuperBrawl, which isn’t the worst idea as the matches weren’t bad but the decisions were all wrong. Hopefully things are a bit better this time, though granted that would only make the show horrible. Let’s get to it.

We open with a clip from Nitro where Arn Anderson yelled at David Flair and the Blonde.

Ric and Arn are in the back and Arn doesn’t know what to do about David. Ric recaps the story with his son and says it leads to the rematch with Hogan at Uncensored. He isn’t changing a thing because David has to grow up on his own. Arn blames the Blonde and says Ric would have done the same thing when he was nineteen years old. Ric says when he was David’s age, he wasn’t stealing money out of his dad’s pocket or stabbing him with a stun gun.

Anderson hopes that this is just a game face because Ric isn’t this cold. Flair brings up the latest NWO parody and says he’ll be World Champion again. He’ll love David forever, but if David wants to run around with the NWO, he isn’t going to worry about it. Arn says if that was his son, there’s no way he could be out there in front of a crowd. Flair says he’s doing this to prove he’s still the man and that Hogan and the NWO haven’t changed anything. This was a lengthy chat but it helps clarify a few things.

The announcers do their welcome and recap.

We go back to Nitro to see Flair announce the cage match. This video takes us up to fifteen minutes into the show.

Video of Monday’s main event.

Rick Steiner vs. Hugh Morrus

Rick quickly sends him to the floor and bites the ropes. Back in and Morrus pounds away but gets caught in a powerslam. Jimmy Hart gets in a few cheap shots from the floor but it has almost no effect as Morrus is still in trouble. Another assist from Jimmy lets Morrus hit some running splashes in the corner but he takes too long going up for No Laughing Matter, allowing Rick to catch him in an electric chair. The Steiner Bulldog is good for the pin.

Rating: D+. This was nothing and it’s not a good sign for the rest of the show. I just waited twenty four minutes to get to a three and a half minute Rick Steiner squash. Why does this make me think that the next hour and a half is going to be a REALLY long sit? The match wasn’t long enough to be horrible but it was just a squash.

There was a commercial for Monday Nitro. In the video we saw Wrath, Randy Savage (where has he been since the night after Starrcade? He showed up there and hasn’t been seen since) and Syxx. As in the guy that showed up on Raw after Wrestlemania LAST YEAR. This is worse than the Steiner Brothers being in the Nitro intro seven months after they split up.

Here are Benoit and Malenko with something to say. Benoit congratulates the new Tag Team Champions and says they have no problem with losing to a better team. They do however have a problem with losing the way they lost. There will be vengeance Horsemen style. Malenko talks about Benoit’s Swan Dive off the top of the cage and pulls off his belt. He promises that Windham and Hennig will not leave Louisville with the Tag Team Titles. The rematch is going to be a lumberjack strap match.

Back from a break and we get an ad for Saturday Night. These air every week but two of the matches advertised are Juventud Guerrera vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. and Barbarian vs. Meng. Remember those before you read the next match on this show.

Al Greene vs. Sonny Onoo/Ernest Miller

Yes, REALLY. I know Meng vs. Barbarian would be a mess, but it would be a fun mess. On the other hand, this is the preferred method of torture in 19 countries. Announced for Uncensored, Sonny Onoo/Ernest Miller vs. Jerry Flynn. My jaw is hanging open after hearing that. I mean……wow I’ve got nothing. Miller does the whole warning thing to Greene but Al jumps him from behind.

What appeared to be a botched gorilla press sets up a headlock on Miller but he sends Greene to the floor. Sonny offers a distraction so Miller can take over as Tony talks about stipulations for the World Title match that you can only find out about at WCW.com. Back in and Miller drops Al with a superkick before tagging in Sonny. Greene is out cold and Sonny gets an easy pin.

Rating: D-. It could have been Mysterio vs. Guerrera but instead it’s being used to set up a Jerry Flynn match on pay per view. That’s all I need to say.

Gene brings out Perry Saturn, now in a dog collar with chains around his neck, for a chat. Saturn refers to himself as the Bald Bombshell because chicks dig a guy in a dress. Saturn says if Jericho has a chain fetish, let’s have a dog collar match at Uncensored. Jericho comes out and says he wants to keep this company rated G (there are SO many jokes) and get rid of all the R Rated freaks. If he has to tie a collar around his neck to get rid of Saturn, that’s what he’ll do. Saturn promises to wear an outfit so freaky that it’s going to shock Marilyn Manson.

Prince Iaukea vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Iaukea scores with some early kicks but his cross body has no effect at all. Bigelow sends him to the floor and hits some slow motion forearms to the back. Inside again and we hit the chinlock as Tony talks about March being perfect for Uncensored because it’s such an unpredictable month. Right. Anyway, more choking gets Bigelow two and we hit an armbar to kill more time. Iaukea’s offense of course has no effect and Greetings From Asbury Park finally ends this.

Rating: D. This was long and dull with the announcers ignoring almost everything in the whole match. Bigelow getting a push is fine but could we find someone more interesting than dryer lint for him to fight? I’m glad he’s moving down into the midcard scene where he belongs though as the top level push didn’t have much staying power.

This Week in WCW Motorsports.

Vince/Horace vs. Curt Hennig/Barry Windham

This match sounds interesting at this point. Let that sink in for a minute. Non-title of course as a title match might be too interesting. Horace grabs a headlock on Hennig to start but Curt nails him with a clothesline. Stevie Ray comes out to brawl with Vince, leaving Horace alone two on one. Cue the Horsemen to attack the champions and it’s a fast DQ.

The champions bail before too much happens.

Here’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who hasn’t been seen in months since announcing that he has cancer. Duggan thanks God for letting him get back here and of course some fans boo. He thanks the fans and WCW for supporting him throughout this whole ordeal. Duggan says he’s proud to be part of World Championship Wrestling and thanks the doctor for removing his kidney to prevent the cancer from spreading. He tells us that if something looks or feels wrong, get to the doctor and get it checked out because early detection saves lives.

Duggan isn’t sure if he’s coming back to the ring, but he promises that he won’t be making any obscene gestures of saying any foul words. All he needs are his board and the American flag. If he gets a second chance, the last twenty years will be nothing compared to what he’ll do in the next few years. He says to remember that we are one nation under God and leads a USA chant before leaving. This was a very cool moment and brought a smile to my face. I got to meet Duggan at Axxess earlier this year and he couldn’t have been a nicer guy so it’s cool to hear stuff like this.

Cruiserweight Title: Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Kidman

Kidman is defending. Feeling out process to start and Chavo actually gives him a clean break. Chavo is sent to the floor and taken down with a big dive, followed by a slingshot legdrop back inside. Kidman misses a charge into the corner and a springboard bulldog drops the champion.

Back up and Kidman sends him into the buckle and nails a clothesline. The announcers talk about Mysterio becoming a legend for his victories over Nash and Bigelow, earning him a rematch with Nash at Uncensored. A Gory Bomb gets two for Chavo and we hit a chinlock on the champion. Back up and Kidman misses a charge, sending him out to the floor.

Guerrero sends him into the barricade and then back inside for another chinlock. Kidman sends him to the floor before bringing him back inside for two off a high cross body. Chavo avoids a charge in the corner and gets the pin but Kidman’s feet are on the ropes. Guerrero goes up top but gets powerbombed down, setting up the Shooting Star to retain Kidman’s title.

Rating: C+. This was nowhere near as good as the Psychosis match on Monday but it was still far better than everything I’ve sat through on this show. Kidman is becoming an ace at this point and is one of the most consistently entertaining guys on the roster. Chavo is very good in his own right and has gotten far better after losing Pepe.

We get a sitdown interview from Hogan with Hollywood talking about everyone hating him, even his family. He did the Hulk Hogan thing for the money, unlike Flair who is out there because he loves wrestling and wants to be cheered one more time. That makes him worse than Hogan could ever be because Hogan has a grip on reality.

Hogan loves that David Flair gave up everything his father did for him for a good looking woman. Ric Flair is the rottenest human being on this planet and all he wants is control of this business. Flair can have one more chance, but Hogan wants Flair to quit if he loses. He goes on and on about how much he hates Flair and how much it’s driven him as this somehow takes over six minutes.

Buff Bagwell vs. Booker T.

Before the match, Buff says he’d rather be paralyzed again than be in Winston-Salem. Feeling out process to start with Bagwell taking him down with an armdrag before dancing around a bit. Booker comes back with a slam and quick vertical suplex to send Buff out to the floor. Back in and Buff hammers away before nailing a dropkick. Mr. T. grabs an armbar before kicking Bagwell in the face. Buff sends him outside and poses a lot. A chinlock goes nowhere and Booker comes back with his usual stuff. The referee gets kicked down and Scott Steiner comes in with a chair to Booker’s back, setting up Buff’s Blockbuster for the pin.

Rating: D-. If you want to know what it means when the wrestlers phone in a match, this is a perfect example. Neither guy had any energy or emotion out there, which is usually something you can depend on from Booker. Speaking of Booker, did we REALLY need to have Buff Bagwell pin him, cheating or not? The guy is getting a US Title shot in nine days (against Scott Hall, who hasn’t been seen in awhile) and he loses to Buff Bagwell? Really?

Overall Rating: F. The best part of this show was a tie between the Duggan promo and a pretty good Chavo vs. Kidman match. Everything else was a waste of time a textbook example of why Thunder didn’t need to exist. It feels like nothing has happened on the show in months and this was as dull as it’s gotten yet. This was absolutely awful and makes me want to watch Uncensored even less than I did before.

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The slow build towards SuperBrawl continues with another taped Thunder. Things are starting to get messy as well with a lot of the stories losing some of the sense they’ve been making. Odds are tonight will focus on the tag team tournament which should see some teams being eliminated soon. Let’s get to it.

We open with the Blonde in the pool hall video from Nitro.

The announcers welcome us to the show and do their usual.

Tag Team Title Tournament: Mike Enos/Bobby Duncum Jr. vs. Faces of Fear

The losers are eliminated. Meng and Enos get things going and they actually do some technical stuff at first. Mike takes him into the corner but offers a clean break so they can stare at each other. Meng does the same and this has the makings of a long match. They trade shots to the ribs until Meng nails him with a clothesline. Enos takes him down with an armdrag and it’s off to Duncum who gets wristlocked. Barbarian comes in as this match isn’t exactly thrilling the fans. Bobby hits a bad dropkick to send Barbarian to the floor.

We take a break and come back with Meng getting choked in the corner to keep Enos in control. A piledriver has almost no effect on Meng and it’s off to Barbarian who gets powerslammed for two. Meng comes back in with a piledriver of his own for two on Bobby. A double diving headbutt gets the same before Barbarian drops an elbow on Duncum’s back. We hit the chinlock before Meng comes in to choke.

The match just keeps going as Meng bites Bobby’s nose. Barbarian’s side slam gets two and Meng, I’m assuming out of boredom, dances before kicking Duncum in the head. A powerslam gets another near fall on Bobby….and Barbarian turns on Meng with some kicks to the head to give Duncum the pin.

Rating: D-. This tournament is officially the work of the devil. There is no other possible explanation for making me watch these teams fight three times in a month, including this which went nearly fifteen minutes. I have no idea who thinks Mike Enos and Bobby Duncum Jr. should be given this much TV time but they should be dragged out into the street and shot.

A happy Jimmy Hart leaves with Barbarian.

We see Kanyon going to Raven’s house from Monday. Why do I have a feeling we’re going to see every single clip from this story?

Video on Goldberg vs. Bigelow.

Clip from Nitro of Scott Steiner throwing Kimberly out of the car.

Video on the hair vs. mask match.

Raven and Kanyon get money out of the bank.

Super Calo vs. Lash Leroux

Calo quickly takes him down but Lash comes back with a clothesline. A backdrop puts Leroux on the floor and a dropkick puts him down. Calo hits a flip dive that the camera misses and gets two back inside. Lash nails a springboard cross body and drops Calo with a clothesline. They slug it out until Calo puts on a modified abdominal stretch. That goes nowhere either so Leroux suplexes him for two. An atomic drop gets the same for Super and he sends Lash into the buckle a few times. Calo gets two off a missile dropkick but gets caught in a fireman’s carry into a Michinoku Driver for the pin.

Rating: D. Oh my goodness this show is horrible. This was a dull match as neither guy is really very good in the ring and no one cares about either of them. Lash’s finisher looked good and the match wasn’t even six minutes long so it wasn’t so much torture as much as it was really uninteresting.

The Blonde is in the limo. Again, it’s the exact same clip from Nitro. Again, why am I complaining about having to look at her?

Video on the tournament, also from Nitro.

Glacier comes up to Sonny Onoo and the Cat. He has an offer for Sonny: he’ll sell Miller his entrance.

Tag Team Title Tournament: Dave Taylor/Fit Finlay vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr./Kidman

This has to be more interesting than the first one. I mean, it HAS TO BE. Kidman and Chavo come in with one loss and face elimination if they lose again. Chavo and Finlay get things going until they finally lock up after a minute of circling. Finlay hammers away with uppercuts before putting on a cravate. Chavo comes back with a clothesline and tags in Kidman for a double back elbow.

We take a break and come back with Chavo dropkicking Finlay down and making a tag to Kidman. A high cross body gets two on Finlay but he drops Kidman throat first across the top rope to take over again. The rolling fireman’s carry gets two as the announcers talk about Piper winning the US Title on Monday. Back up and Kidman misses a charge over the top and is holding his ankle. Finlay’s chop hits the post but it really doesn’t change anything.

They head inside again with Finlay putting on an STF. Finlay lets go and poses so Kidman can crawl to the corner but Chavo is chasing Taylor on the floor. Taylor comes in and cranks on the arm instead of going after the leg injury. Finlay misses a charge into the post and Chavo comes in without a tag. The referee throws him out, allowing Taylor to crotch Kidman on the top. Finlay brings in a chair but Chavo dropkicks him in the back, sending the chair into Kidman’s head. A tombstone from Finlay is enough for the pin and the elimination.

Rating: D+. Why does WCW think eliminating all the teams that might be interesting is a good idea? Most of these teams have been thrown together and we’re getting more of a team like Mike Enos and Bobby Duncum Jr. instead of what could be a good cruiserweight team? This tournament has been a disaster so far and only seems to be getting worse.

Glacier tries to sell Miller and Onoo his armor but they’re not interested. Kaz Hayashi pops up and buys it (in subtitles) for $25,000.

The Blonde goes into her hotel room.

This Week in WCW Motorsports.

Raven and Kanyon buy clothes.

Disco Inferno vs. Chris Adams

Disco gets in a chop then hides in the corner. Some armdrags put Disco down in the corner but he bails to the floor to avoid the superkick. Disco gets posted but manages to whip Adams into the barricade. Back in and the dancing elbow drop gets two and it’s off to the chinlock. Apparently the directors are as bored as I am because we cut to the back where Hayashi is putting on the rest of his armor. Miller buys the helmet and blue eye for himself and gets a complimentary bottle of saline. For some reason I remember this from when it fired aired.

Back to the match with Adams getting two off a sunset flip. Disco gets caught in a backslide for two as Tony sounds bored out of his mind. Adams fights back with a belly to back suplex and they head to the floor. That goes nowhere so Adams comes back in with a powerbomb but has to stop the superkick because the referee is in the way. The Chartbuster ends this.

Rating: D. The match wasn’t even that bad. The problem here is there’s no reason to want to watch Disco Inferno beating up a jobber for eight minutes. Even the director seemed to get bored and go to something else. It’s so clear that there’s nothing important happening on these shows but WCW had to air them anyway. Nitro getting cut back to two hours might help things, if I can survive getting there.

The Blonde goes into her hotel room with whoever is holding the camera.

Kidman says it was just miscommunication with Chavo. A frustrated Chavo comes up and rants before laying Kidman out with a clothesline.

Another video on Goldberg vs. Bigelow.

We see Raven and Kanyon get back home where Raven’s mom says WCW called and wants him back at work.

Here’s most of Piper vs. Hart from Nitro to fill in time.

We see Hogan telling all of the Black and White members other than Norton to be the leader, again from Nitro.

Tag Team Title Tournament: Kaz Hayashi/Van Hammer vs. Chris Benoit/Dean Malenko

Hayashi has the armor on. It doesn’t seem to mean anything but he does have it on. I don’t think Hammer and Kaz have competed yet, unless Kaz is replacing Wrath who was to be Hammer’s partner before the NWO attacked them a few weeks back. Hammer takes Benoit into the corner to start before they head to the mat for a surprisingly nice technical sequence. A dragon screw leg whip takes Hammer down and it’s off to Benoit vs. Hayashi.

Dean takes him down into something resembling an STF but Kaz makes the ropes. An armdrag brings Kaz off the top as the announcers talk about screwdrivers. We take a break and come back with Benoit getting the tag to face Hammer. Chavo vs. Kidman is announced for SuperBrawl. Kaz armdrags out of a powerbomb but Benoit avoids a dropkick. Hammer comes back in and works on the leg as the match slows down a lot.

An enziguri drops Van Hammer and it’s back to Dean with the leg lariat for two. Kaz gets in a knee to the back to slow Malenko down and Hammer throws him to the floor. A baseball slide drops Dean as the announcers have pretty much given up on paying attention to the match. Back in and Dean rolls over to tag Benoit who sends Hammer outside as well.

Another baseball slide has Hammer in trouble and a short powerbomb from Malenko gets two on Kaz. The Horsemen elbow Hayashi down and Benoit’s backbreaker gets two. Malenko superplexes Kaz down for no cover and everything breaks down. A nice powerbomb/clothesline combination crushes Kaz and the Crossface gets the submission.

Rating: D+. Again, the match wasn’t bad but it needed to be shorter. That’s the problem with running matches that are longer: they only work if the match is good in the first place. Benoit and Malenko are good, but when you put them against a team like Kaz Hayashi and Van Hammer, it feels like an extended waiting period before one of them gets a submission. You need some suspension of disbelief and these aren’t the opponents to provide that.

Overall Rating: D-. This is a hard one to give such a low grade to as the wrestling really wasn’t horrible for the most part. However, it was just so uninteresting and dull that I stopped caring about half an hour in. The tournament is thankfully wrapping up so we could get some interesting matches, but this stuff was a chore to survive.

The other interesting thing about this show was all the stuff they aired from Nitro, including most of a whole match. There were only five new matches on this show and they had to air that much filler. It’s clear that Thunder really doesn’t need to exist every week, but that’s the danger of going five hours every week when the company is already repeating stories. Really uninteresting show this week but there effort from the guys. They just needed better material to work with.

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If Rollins was a step up, today is a leap down. Today is Hornswoggle.

Finlay/Little Bastard vs. Boogeyman/Little Boogeyman

Yeah it’s a mixed tag match with midgets. I’ll be calling him Horny here and he’s scared to death so he dives under the ring before the other team gets there. JBL says not to call him Little Bastard as his parents’ names are not Mr. and Mrs. Bastard. We go over Horny’s fear of little people as he hides under the ring. JBL: I don’t know what’s under there. There could be a whole colony of Lilliputians under there. HOLY FORESHADOWING BATMAN!

JBL is cracking me up here. “THAT IS THE RING I LOST THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TO JOHN CENA IN AND NOW THERE’S A LEPRECHAUN UNDER IT!!!” Boogeyman gets a fireman’s carry as this is a handicap match to start. JBL calls Cole a non-heterosexual Barry Horowitz. He keeps making jokes about their names and how absurd they are which is rather true.

Little Boogeyman comes in and gets some fat drops to have Finlay in trouble. And then he eats some worms. Horny finally comes in and rolls up his sleeves to fight. Finlay kicks the midget monster in the head. Little Boogeyman gets a small package on Finlay for two. JBL has no idea what to think. Finlay gets a short arm scissors and Little Boogeyman is tapping but it’s not acknowledged for some reason.

Horny pulls the other midget under the ring but when Finlay goes to find him he finds the regular (and I use that term loosely) Boogeyman. Boogey beats on Finlay and I have no idea what I’m watching. A Rocket Launcher from the Boogies gets two as Horny saves. Big Boogeyman chases him off with worms so Finlay can conk the midget with his club that is way too hard to spell for the pin.

Rating: D-. The match was horrible as I hate midgets, but the commentary here was absolutely hysterical. JBL’s deadpan rants about how stupid this was were so perfect and it worked the whole way. Luckily I think the Little Boogeyman was dropped soon after this. All of that being said, check this out for JBL alone.

Then this happened at Great American Bash 2007.

Cruiserweight Title: Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Shannon Moore vs. Jamie Noble vs. Funaki

It’s a five man match but remember that this is a Cruiserweight Open, as in anyone can get in on this. Chavo is champion coming in. This is the dying days of the title as this was thrown on the card yesterday with no story. They did these kind of matches for probably a year. Hornswoggle is on the floor and hides under the ring. Chavo tries to run but gets thrown outside instead. This is one fall to a finish.

This is one of those matches where you can’t really keep up with anything so the whole thing is pretty all over the place. Chavo comes back in and Cole talks about his Latina wife. Shannon gets two on Chavo but Funaki hits a cross body onto both of them for a combined two. Powerslam gets two for Noble but Chavo breaks it up again. Chavo hooks some freaky rollup on Yang and transitions into a half crab but it gets broken up by Funaki.

Moore slams Funaki into the buckle HARD. Noble vs. Moore now. Make that Noble vs. Funaki. See what I mean about how there’s no point in trying to call this? Funaki gets an enziguri for two on Moore. Gory Bomb to Funaki gets two for the champ. Almost everyone goes to the floor so Yang sets for a dive. Chavo stops it and it’s Tower of Doom time. Noble is down and here’s Horny to come off the top with a Tadpole Splash to win the title.

Rating: C-. Like I said there’s only so much you can do in these. The ending is totally legal when you think about it: he’s certainly small enough and it was an Open so anyone can enter at any time right? This wasn’t anything great but it was very clear that the title was done. And no it wasn’t Horny that killed it. The belt was long since dead.

Around this time, Hornswoggle was revealed to be Vince McMahon’s illegitimate son. Vince being Vince, he decided that his son needed some tough love, including this match from Survivor Series 2007. as well as stripping him of the Cruiserweight Title.

Hornswoggle vs. Great Khali

Runjin Singh, Khali’s manager, says we should have the wrestlers get together for the reading of the rules. This results in Singh talking over the referee as he translates. The fans want Shaq but they get the bell instead. The fans realize Shaq is here and Vince tells him to sit down. Vince tells the fans he doesn’t care what they want. Now there’s a shoot if there’s ever been one. Horny takes off his jacket and hat and kicks Singh in the face. Horny kicks at the legs of Khali…and wisely runs away. Singh runs his mouth some more and gets GREEN MIST IN THE FACE!

Horny dives on Singh and pounds away before hiding from Khali under the ring. The small guy finds that Irish club and calls Khali in but the stick is of course caught. Khali kicks him down but before the Vice Grip can go on, Finlay runs in for the save and face turn. This ran over three minutes but it doesn’t deserve to be rated. At least this did serve a purpose though, so it’s not a total failure. It should have been on Raw though.

Finlay beats up Singh and Khali with the club. It would eventually be revealed that Finlay was Horny’s father, but I’m not quite sure why Vince agreed to the whole thing in storyline.

You know what’s better than one midget character? A BUNCH OF THEM! From January 14, 2008 on Raw.

Mini Royal Rumble

This is a five man match and it’s standard Rumble rules with thirty second intervals. The arena is full of smoke due to JBL’s previous segment. Hornswoggle and Mini Mr. Kennedy start. Kennedy can’t reach the microphone for the pre match bit in a comedy spot. Apparently Hornswoggle is already in the regular Royal Rumble along with Mick Foley. Horny gets sent face first into the middle turnbuckle and Mini Mankind is in third. Kennedy stomps a mudhole in him as the fans are totally out of this.

Mankind is about a foot taller than everyone else but Horny blocks Socko and kicks him out. In a surprising power display, Hornswoggle presses Kennedy over the top rope, leaving him alone to face Mini Batista at #4. The rather chubby Batista hits a spear and does signature stuff but has the Batista Bomb countered. JR sounds miserable on commentary. Mini Kane is number five and is the shortest person in the match so far. He nails uppercuts all around but walks into the spinebuster and Batista Bomb.

Not that it matters as Horny kicks Batista low and dumps him, only for Kane to kind of sit up. A middle rope clothesline drops Horny and Kane sets up a chokeslam. JR: “Imagine the elevation.” Horny just glares at him with a look that says “Really?”. A Celtic Cross puts Kane down and there he goes, leaving Hornswoggle alone. Here comes the real Great Khali at #6, despite it being announced at five people. I smell a McMahon. Mini Batista attacks Hornswoggle from behind but Finlay makes the save with the club to knock Khali to the floor, which I guess counts as an elimination.

Rating: F. Oh just….no.

This whole thing had to lead to this. From February 11, 2008 on Raw.

Hornswoggle vs. Vince McMahon

No DQ. This is a result of Horny biting Vince last week instead of joining his club. Vince shoves him down to start and poses. Horny can’t reach Vince’s hands for a test of strength so Vince gets on his knees and offers a free shot. The arm is pulled back but Horny can’t do it at first.

That only lasts a few seconds until he finally slaps Vince, so the dad takes off his belt for a whipping. Finlay comes out to defend his buddy so Vince threatens to fire him and ruin Finlay’s family. Vince leans down to yell at Hornswoggle about what a coward Finlay is and shoves the litle guy down. Finlay blasts Vince in the head with the club and Horny hits a Tadpole Splash for the pin.

Rating: N/A. This was an angle instead of a match. For the life of me I’m not sure who thought this story was a good idea, but Kennedy getting Wellnessed caused us to have to sit through all this nonsense. Finlay never really got a big push out of it either, which is really kind of surprising.

It would soon be revealed that Finlay was Horny’s father so the two formed a team. Here’s a Tag Team Title shot for them at Night of Champions 2008.

Smackdown Tag Titles: John Morrison/Miz vs. Finlay/Hornswoggle

Please make it short. They already did that didn’t they? Do I need to explain to you why this is a dumb match? And the fans pop for the challengers because that’s what Satan told them to do. The tall guy and the Monday Night Delight start us off. Ross and Foley are a weird pairing on commentary. Horny is listed at 4’4. Why did Vince wonder why we didn’t like the company in 08?

We do get a spot that I haven’t seen before as Morrison jumps over the rope and gets crotched on the ring skirt. I’ve never seen that before. Finlay starts throwing Horny into Miz and Morrison as a projectile. This is a comedy match that forgot the comedy. How weird is it to think that two years later Miz could be a potential MITB winner? I wouldn’t be surprised if he won it. Miz and Morrison were really starting to get good here but wouldn’t hit their stride for a few more months.

Horny comes in and beats up Miz, hitting a Stunner and a bulldog. None of these do anything of course since HE IS TINY. The problem becomes clear here very soon: the heels have to either beat up Horny or have him get the hot tag. Finlay beats up everyone after such a tag and the fans care for some reason. Horny goes up for the splash and Morrison finally realizes how stupid this is and more or less chokeslams him to the mat, ending this annoyance.

Rating: D. I mean seriously, it’s a midget and an old man against a good and young team. Was this really the best option they had? They wanted this to make this a serious match and it just completely failed. It was a hybrid comedy match and mess and just didn’t work. They wanted Horny to be something serious and it just didn’t work so of course they kept going with it forever.

We’ll jump ahead to April 21, 2009 when Hornswoggle was on ECW. This is his final appearance on the show before going to Raw and he said (remember that for later) that he wanted to wrestle. Tyson Kidd objected so here’s the result.

Natalya vs. Hornswoggle

Horny does a Warrior rope shake while Natalya makes fun of him. The test of strength spot annoys Hornswoggle again so he bites her tights and gets two off a spear. Tyson tries to interfere but Finlay cuts him off, allowing Horny to roll Natalya up for a quick pin.

Next up was a long and stupid feud against Chavo Guerrero Jr. where the guests hosts of Raw made one gimmick after another, including Chavo being having his arm tied behind his back or boxing. On July 27, 2009, he was blindfolded.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Hornswoggle

A kick by Horny knocks Chavo to the floor and it takes awhile for him to get back in. We get the required cornering the referee spot before Horny gets two off a rollup. The little guy hammers away even more until Chavo pulls the hood up and hits a dropkick. He can’t see for the cover though and the crowd is already annoyed. Horny gets up but lays back down, so Chavo tries a frog splash. Horny goes to the apron, Chavo misses the splash, Tadpole Splash gets the pin. Chavo lost every single match in this feud.

We’ll jump ahead again as Hornswoggle didn’t wrestle full time. Next up is Smackdown, December 10, 2010. Hornswoggle had been named the official mascot of Smackdown and would face Jack Swagger’s mascot, the Swagger Soaring Eagle.

Hornswoggle vs. Soaring Eagle

Rosa comes out with Horny. The Eagle is billed at 6’0 tall and with a wingspan of 5’0. This is so stupid. Please make this be quick. Striker lists off facts about eagles before Horny pulls out a bag of, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, ACME (spelled wrong) birdseed. The eagle (allegedly Chavo) goes for it and gets kicked in the head. Rosa hands Horny a napkin which he tucks into his shirt and bites the Eagle’s leg.

Would anyone be opposed to some fast forwarding here? The Eagle misses Ballin (shoot me now….please) and the Tadpole Splash ends this at 2:28. Cole gets in two good lines at the end though. As Horny goes up for the splash, “GET OUT OF THE WAY! YOU’RE ENDANGERED!” and the second being singing Fly Like An Eagle by the Steve Miller Band, even though the Eagle wasn’t the one flying. Was there ANY point to this?

Another jump of nearly a year brings us to Smackdown, November 29, 2011. It’s the Holiday Special and Horny is in the Make A Wish battle royal, where the winner gets anything he wants.

Battle Royal

There are twenty people in this and I’ll let you figure out who all is in it yourselves. I see Mahal, Slater, the Usos, Jackson, Sheamus, O’Neil, Watson, DiBiase, Hunico, Reks, Gabriel, Kidd and Horny. Sheamus is by far the biggest name in this. Hawkins and Young are in there. Young is out quickly as is I think Jey Uso. JTG is in this and as soon as I say this he’s eliminated. DiBiase and Gabriel try to get Hawkins out but can’t quite do it. Kofi and Yoshi Tatsu are in this and I think that’s everyone.

There goes Hawkins at the hands of Big Zeke. We get the showdown with Jackson and Sheamus with with pale One beating him down. Jackson sets for a big clotheline but Sheamus ducks to put him out. Johnny Curtis was the 20th guy in there and Sheamus puts him out easily. Kofi puts out the other Uso but Kidd dropkicks Kingston out seconds later.

Tatsu is gone and Kidd skins the cat and pulls out DiBiase at the same time. Horny slips out from the floor and pulls Kidd out. We take a break with about 8 people left. Back with eight people left: O’Neil, Hunico, Gabriel, Mahal, Reks, Sheamus, Slater and Horny. Gabriel tries to jump on the apron but Mahal knocks him to the floor. Clash of the Titus puts Reks down but he barks too much and Sheamus puts him out. Dang it I wanted him to wish for NXT to end.

Slater and Mahal jump Sheamus but he explodes and beats everyone down. Everyone goes to the floor through the ropes and beats Sheamus down. No one is in the ring at the moment. Ok so now everyone but Sheamus is in. It’s Mahal, Hunico, Slater and Reks. Mahal says we need to go find Horny. They all pick a side of the ring and dive under the ring. Mahal catches him and it’s 4-1. Slater shoves him down as does Hunico.

They all carefully stomp him but before the toss him Sheamus is back in. There goes Reks and Hucio is out as well. Mahal is out and a Brogue Kick puts Slater down. Ok so it’s Horny vs. Sheamus. Oh good grief. Horny says bring it on and Sheamus isn’t sure what to say. He tells Horny to get out but Horny tells him to get out. He kicks Sheamus in the shins but Sheamus grabs him by the beard and starts putting him out but Horny grabs the top rope. Sheamus gets on the apron and detatches him but Horny won’t get off the apron. Sheamus tries to talk to him and they hug, but Horny shoves him off for the win at 13:25.

Rating: C+. This was fun until the end, when it just got stupid. Why in the world would have put Horny over here for the sake of a comedy bit? Well at least this is for an obscure prize instead of something like a title shot so it could be a lot worse. Ok maybe not a lot worse but it could be worse.

From later in the show.

Ricardo hits on the Bellas at the party as Piper talks to Dusty. They’re talking about Cena and Dusty thinks it’s ridiculous to think the fans are going to get to Cena. Santa comes up and sits down for Horny to ask for his wish. There’s something about celery, Jonas Salk, Peter Falk and chalk. Foley has it wrong and it’s that Horny wants to TALK. They hug and Horny can speak. He goes around using his new powers and calls Vickie a grandma. Foley pops up in a Cactus Jack shirt and Santa is gone. Piper and Dream have no idea what’s going on and I don’t really want the answer.

From Smackdown, April 19, 2013.

Great Khali/Natalya/Hornswoggle vs. Epico/Primo/Rosa Mendes

We actually get a reason for this match: Epico/Primo/Rosa stole Horny’s parking spot earlier and there’s video to prove it. I’ve heard worse. I can’t think of anything off the top of my head but I’ve heard worse. Nattie takes Rosa down to start but can’t hook the Sharpshooter. Rosa comes back with a kick to the back and a chinlock but Natalya fights back with a clothesline. Off to Epico and Khali with the giant hitting some hard chops in the corner. Primo tries to help but gets sent into the same corner as Epico for simultaneous chops. Horny annoys Rosa into a chase and Khali hits the Punjabi Plunge to pin Epico at 3:18.

Rating: D. Rosa was basically in half of a swimsuit and a vest so it doesn’t fail based on that alone. That’s about the extent of the good parts of the match though as none of these are people I care to see. At the end of the day they’re fighting over a parking lot, but how many people can’t get on television? Remarkable.

Hornswoggle would join 3MB in 2014 because COMEDY, leading to a feud with Los Matadores and their mascot El Torito. This set up Wee LC at Extreme Rules 2014.

Pre-Show: El Torito vs. Hornswoggle

This is the WeeLC match which exists for reasons beyond my comprehension and you win by pinfall/submission. There are mini versions of all three commentators, a mini referee and a mini ring announcer. Torito hammers away to start but dives onto the other Band members. Horny can’t manage a dive and Torito pulls out a chair. That’s no good for some reason so it’s off to a mini chair. A headstand in the corner sets up a Bronco Buster and here’s Mahal to interfere.

Torito crotches him on the top rope and sends Horny face first into Mahal’s groin. Horny takes Torito down and we get two sizes of stepladders brought in. Horny goes to the top of the bigger one but gets nervous so Torito lays down for him. Thankfully he moves when Horny tries a splash and we take a break. I really question the need for commercials for events airing on a service that I’ve already purchased to watch the show the commercials are airing on.

Back with 3MB and Los Matadores brawling on the floor. The commentators names: JB Elf, Jerry Smaller and Micro Cole. Torito gets slammed down for two and rolls out to the floor, only to be slammed down. Horny loads up the mini announce table (standing about two feet off the ground) and drops an elbow to drive Torito through. Fans: THIS IS AWESOME! Back inside with 3MB setting up a 6ft ladder and another mini table as Horny hits Torito with the mini chair.

The chair winds up hitting Heath low by mistake, knocking him through some full sized tables on the floor. Torito saves himself from being suplexed through a pile of tables and ladders at ringside as the Matadores make the save. Instead Torito DRIVES ALL THREE GUYS THROUGH THE LADDERS AND CHAIRS! Torito is laid on a full table outside and Drew misses a great looking flip dive for a crash of his own. Back inside and a springboard seated senton through a table gives El Torito the pin at 10:48.

Rating: A+. Do I even need to explain this one? One note: I really hope WWE lets this one be instead of trying to top it over and over again and driving the gimmick into the ground. You had an entertaining match. Be happy with that and maybe have another one down the road, but don’t try to make this something important on Raw every few weeks or it dies in a hurry.

Yeah he’s a comedy guy, but people forget that Hornswoggle can have a good match under the right circumstances. He isn’t a great worker or anything like that, but kids like him and he sells merchandise so there’s nothing wrong with keeping him around. Hornswoggle is reminiscent of Eugene: he’s fine if you don’t take him too seriously but when you put him in a major storyline, people lose interest. Stuff like the WeeLC match was hilarious though and that’s the kind of stuff he’s great at.

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It’s Roddy Piper and that’s all the introduction you need.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Roddy Piper

We get a bagpipe recital before the match but Chavo breaks it up. Uncultured pest. They slug it out to start with neither guy moving an inch. A right hand to the face puts Chavo in the ropes and some elbows to the back of the head have him in even more trouble. Guerrero fights back with uppercuts in the corner but has to beat up Piper’s unnamed manager whose name sounds like Dr. Rivera.

Chavo beats him up for a good while and sends him into the corner as Piper is on the floor with an object in his hand. He slips it to the manager but it winds up knocking the referee down, allowing Piper and Rivera to destroy Chavo with what looks like a pipe. Rivera covers Guerrero and Piper counts a pin before Roddy accidentally hits Rivera with the pipe. A second referee comes out but gets shoved down as well as Rivera is back up. Hector Guerrero FINALLY comes out to help his brother as Piper is somehow named the winner. That doesn’t even make bad sense. No rating as the match barely happened but it was wild.

Piper would head north to Portland where he again would become a big star, though this time as a face. His biggest feud was against Buddy Rose and here’s one match between them from May 12, 1979.

Buddy Rose vs. Roddy Piper

This is 2/3 falls with two guest referees, one inside and one outside. Piper is Pacific Northwest Champion but the belt isn’t on the line here. The brawl starts on the floor with Rose being whipped into the barricade. Back in and Piper whips him into the buckles as Rose is begging for mercy on the floor. Buddy slides back in and nails some left hands to almost no effect. Instead it’s off to a chinlock and Piper is busted open somehow.

The fans chant for Roddy as he fights up after two arm drops. Back up and Piper freaks out after seeing his own blood but Rose bites the cut to put him back down. We hit another chinlock and Piper actually goes down as Rose drives a knuckle into his head. Roddy finally scores with a knee to the head but Rose pokes him in the eye to stop him again.

Piper loses it again and nails a series of right hands. A shot to the throat puts Rose down as the recently face Piper still has some heel mannerisms about him. Rose gets hammered in the corner and suplexed down but Piper picks him up at two. A swinging neckbreaker gives Roddy the first fall.

Fall #2 begins after a break and Rose is walking to the back. That goes nowhere as he comes back in with a few seconds to spare and Piper fires off elbows to the head. A hard whip into the corner puts Rose down again and we hit the neck crank from Piper this time. Piper lets go and snaps Rose’s throat across the top rope instead but misses a dropkick in the corner as the turnbuckle breaks.

Rose chokes with the rope before taking him outside to ram Roddy’s back into the post. The crew tries to fix the buckle but the ropes are flying all over the place now. Rose grabs a backbreaker for two but pulls Piper up instead of going for the pin. A second backbreaker is enough for the pin on Piper though to tie things up.

We start the final round with Rose jumping Piper from behind and getting two off an atomic drop. Off to a bearhug on Piper but he fights out with a stiff right hand to the face. Rose backs off but gets beaten down in the corner, only to come back with a headbutt to the ribs. They fight outside with Rose hammering away but Piper takes over with an even bigger beating. A guy named Wisgowski runs out and posts Piper, allowing Rose to try to claim a countout. The other referee doesn’t buy it though and Piper wins by DQ.

Rating: C+. This worked well while it lasted and the double referee makes sense here. These two feuded for over a year in Portland and drew some awesome crowds over how much they hated each other. Rose would be more famous as a comedy guy in the WWF, as well as being in the first match at Wrestlemania.

Piper would head to Jim Crockett and Mid-Atlantic about a year later. After a feud with Ric Flair, Piper would set his sights on Greg Valentine and the US Title. Their most famous match was a dog collar match at Starrcade 1983.

Roddy Piper vs. Greg Valentine

Greg is US Champion but this is non-title because it’s a dog collar match. The idea is they both have collars around their neck and there’s a chain attaching the two collars, meaning neither guy can run away. Anything goes and you can win by pinfall. This match came about because Valentine injured Piper’s ear in the match where he won the title. They immediately start by pulling on the chain with their necks in a painful looking tug of war. Neither guy can get an advantage so they both start pulling on the chain to get closer to each other.

Piper gets in the first shot with the chain and Valentine is mad. They back up again but Valentine misses some swings and Piper gets back to the corner. Both guys come to the center of the ring for a slugout but no one can take over. Roddy gets in some shots with the chain and Valentine is in trouble. Greg goes for the bad ear and start choking away with the chain but also wrapping the chain around Piper’s face for extra torture.

Piper comes back with some shots to the eyes of his own before choking away in the middle of the ring. Valentine is sent into the corner and Piper keeps pounding away on the head. Piper takes it to the floor for some HARD shots with the chain as they head into the barricade. Greg gets in some shots to the bad ear and Piper is bleeding from the side of his head.

Back in and Valentine pounds away but Piper blocks a suplex. A hard elbow gets two for Valentine but Piper is in big trouble. Greg tries to hit the ropes but Piper pulls the chain to bring him down. Piper goes NUTS on Valentine and pounds away on him, busting the champion open in the process. Valentine goes right back to the ear but Piper comes back with some straight left hands to the jaw. A BIG right hand drops Valentine but Greg goes after the ear again to take over. Greg gets two off a knee drop as both guys are tiring.

A chain shot to Piper’s ear gets two but Roddy comes back with a suplex to put both guys down. Greg grabs a quick sleeper but Piper’s arm only drops once. Roddy wraps the chain around his hand but the hold slows him down again. A jawbreaker gets Piper out of the hold but it’s Valentine going up first. Roddy pulls him off the ropes and beats the tar out of him with the chain before tying the legs up to pin Valentine. Solie says that was for the title but corrects himself a few seconds later.

Rating: B+. This is a very hard hitting brawl but it can be a bit slow at times. This is the match that made people realize how insane Piper could be as he went out there and took an insane beating before coming back time after time and trying to hurt Valentine. He would jump to the WWF soon after and become the top villain in the world, which is what he deserved to be.

Piper would be in the WWF very soon after this. His first feud came against Jimmy Snuka, due to Piper breaking a coconut over Snuka’s head. Here’s one of their many matches from MSG on August 25, 1984.

Roddy Piper vs. Jimmy Snuka

Ok, this MUST be better than anything else tonight. I mean, by pure talent alone it has to be. This is just after the coconut attack by Piper so this is a really hot feud. Piper bails to the floor to start (popular move tonight) before coming back in for a hot slugout. Snuka easily chops him down and adds a headbutt for good measure. Piper tries a headbutt of his own and looks like he has a concussion. Roddy goes to the eye instead and pounds away at the head but Jimmy comes back with a chop to send Piper to the floor.

As they come back in, Snuka gets Piper caught up in the ropes and pounds away before hooking a sleeper. Piper gyrates his way out to the floor again and finally breaks the hold. Jimmy rams him into the post and into a chair for good measure to bust Piper open. They head back inside and Roddy looks TERRIFIED. Another headbutt puts Piper down but he counters the top rope cross body and sends Jimmy into the ropes. Snuka falls to the floor and is counted out in record time.

Rating: C+. This was BY FAR the best match of the night so far as it felt like these two wanted to kill each other. Piper charging in to fight Jimmy was a good idea as he looked more crafty than cowardly, which is a nice thing to see given how lame heels are booked in modern wrestling. These two feuded for a long time, with the feud being incorporated into the main event of the first Wrestlemania.

Piper would soon move on to his biggest feud ever with Hulk Hogan. Roddy had attacked pop star Cyndi Lauper with Hogan coming in for the save. This set up the War to Settle the Score in February of 1985.

WWF World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Roddy Piper

We’re on MTV now for the next thirty minutes. Piper does the whole pipe and drums intro thing. Piper wears a Hulkamania shirt and brings in a guitar. Orton has a sling for his arm as the injury is very slow healing already. Bob Costas is doing the ring announcing here to show how big this is. Piper breaks the guitar saying this is what I think of rock and roll.

The place EXPLODES for Hogan and Eye of the Tiger. This really should have been the main event of the first Mania, perhaps with Hogan challenging for the belt. They go right at it to start with Hogan DRILLING in right and Piper collapsing from the force of a whip into the corner. Big elbow drop has Piper reeling early on. A ton of celebrities are here. This really was a huge deal.

Clothesline in the corner gets two as the fans are rabid here. Piper gets the sleeper which is actually a choke. We get two arm drops and Hogan shakes his finger no on the third one to a huge reaction. Hogan rams him into the corner to break it up and here’s Orton for the interference that isn’t seen.

His arm goes into the buckle and Hogan fights back with….left hands? Really? It’s on now and here comes Paul Orndorff to replace the hurt Orton. There goes the referee and Orndorff gets a top rope knee and it’s thrown out somewhere in there. The heels beat down Hogan, and then we get to the REAL reason this show happened: Mr. T. jumps the guard rail and gets in, only to be beaten down as well. Hogan comes up for the save, and ladies and gentlemen, I give you Wrestlemania.

Rating: D+. Match sucked and if you think that means anything then stop reading as you have no business here. The match was simply the backdrop to set up the biggest event in wrestling history (yes Starrcade that includes you) and the show that would make WWF mean something. This would lead to Hogan vs. Orndorff which set up Hogan vs. Heenan which set up Hogan vs. Andre and I think you can see where this could get awesome in a hurry. Bad match, EPIC moment as the WWF had arrived.

They would have another match at the Wrestling Classic.

WWF Title: Roddy Piper vs. Hulk Hogan

Hogan, in white tights, is jumped by Piper during the music. This is more or less a token title defense here as it’s pretty much fallout (8 months later) from Mania. It’s of course a brawl from the start as nothing else would work for these two I guess. This reminds me of a UK game as it’s blue and white. That automatically makes this awesome. Hogan is dominating early so all is right with the world.

The referee stops a punch though, allowing Piper to punch Hogan. God bless sensible officiating. In something you don’t see often from Hogan, he uses a bearhug. His weight and size was rarely talked about as he was always against monsters, but he was bigger than about 90% of wrestlers ever. That’s saying a lot. This is about as standard as you can get as I feel like I’m watching a house show.

The sleeper is the submission hold of choice here and there’s the arm popping up on the third try. In a cool spot, Hogan runs at the ropes and dives over to break the hold. Yes you read that right, Hogan jumped. I’ll give you a minute to recover from that. Uh oh we have a ref bump. Piper drills him with a chair and of course being hit by a professional athlete with a large and heavy object made of steel isn’t enough to hurt Hogan at all.

Hogan gets Piper in a sleeper (yes you read that right) but Orton runs in for the DQ in another cheap finish. Orndorff makes the save. Gorilla says that Orton was effective. How? He caused his man to get a DQ and therefore it’s the same result as him getting pinned, but then again what do I know?

Rating: C-. This was generic, but then again it wasn’t bad at all. These two had a great chemistry together as there’s such a perfect natural rivalry that you can’t plan or script here. I always wanted for Piper to win the title, even for a month or two. Can you imagine the money that the rematches would draw? Heck that would have been FAR better as the main event of Mania 2. Anyway, this wasn’t bad or great, but it was more bad than good because of the ending.

No real reason for this one but it’s Piper being a jerk as always, culminating in a match between Jesse Ventura/Piper/Orton and the Hillbillies.

Jesse Ventura/Roddy Piper/Bob Orton vs. Cousin Luke/Uncle Elmer/Hillbilly Jim

Jim is the most talented of the face hillbilly team. What does that tell you? Piper and Orton say funny things about the hillbillies. He was a total master on the mic in this era. The hillbillies say generic hillbilly stuff. The mat is dark gray and the ropes are mixed up, as in they go blue, red then white. It’s weirder than it sounds. Also, the ring looks TINY. Uncle Elmer and Ventura start. Elmer is REALLY fat.

Wow it’s odd hearing Heenan from this era. It really is. He’s a totally different commentator. He’s still his usual jerky self, but his voice sounds different to put it mildly. Luke…sucks. That’s all there is to it. I mean he sucks HARD. Naturally he gets beaten down for the majority of the match. Piper was still moving in the ring at this time and was far better at wrestling than he was given credit for.

Jesse’s wrestling was underrated. He knew how to sell and could work a crowd really well. Luke gets his head handed to him for a good while. We get the classic ref doesn’t see the tag spot which is one of the easiest ways in the world to get heat on someone. Piper beats up Uncle Elmer, who is like 6’7 and close to 500lbs on his own. It’s rather amusing. We get a melee and after a cast shot to Luke, Piper puts him to sleep to end a glorified squash.

Rating: D. Weak stuff here but like I said, I’d expect a lot of that. There was heat from the crowd, but when the third best in ring guy is Hillbilly Jim, it’s a bad sign. This just didn’t work and felt weak, but that’s part of the problem with the hillbillies in general: they’re nothing but comedy characters and putting them in a match like this isn’t going to lead anywhere.

Piper would leave to make They Live soon after this. He came back to find that the Pit had been replaced by the Flower Shop, and that meant he was out of bubble gum. From Wrestlemania III in Piper’s retirement match.

Roddy Piper vs. Adrian Adonis

The loser gets their hair cut and is probably the third biggest match on the show if not the second biggest. Piper walks to the ring instead of taking the cart to soak everything in a little bit more. The fans go NUTS for Piper who is still somewhat freshly face. Adonis is rather plump here, giving us a great line from Jesse: “We’re either going to have a bald Scot or Humpty Dumpty.” Piper takes off his belt and they whip each other a few times with Adonis taking over.

Piper comes right back by sending Adrian into the corner for Flair Flip to the floor. Both Adonis and Hart get pulled back in and Piper rams them together to send them back outside. Back in again and Piper throws Hart off the top and onto Adonis but Jimmy FINALLY gets something right by tripping Roddy down.

Now it’s Adonis in control as they head to the floor. Piper gets sent into the announce table and Jimmy adds a spray of perfume into his eyes. There’s Adrian’s sleeper (Good Night Irene) and Piper is almost out, but Adonis lets him go at two arm drops. Brutus Beefcake runs out to wake Piper up and after a missed clipper shot from Adonis, Piper puts him in the sleeper for the win.

Rating: C+. This was the exact kind of wild brawl that you would expect it to be. The ending was the right move as Adonis had accidentally cut Beefcake’s hair recently so it made sense given the haircut stuff. This is the right way for Roddy to go out though and the fans were way into it. Fun stuff here.

Piper would actually leave the ring for over two years, eventually coming back in late 1989. He and Bad News Brown eliminated each other from the 1990 Royal Rumble, setting up a bizarre match at Wrestlemania VI. In what I think was some kind of a nod to Michael Jackson, Piper came into the match with half of his body painted black. It didn’t make sense but it was certainly memorable.

Roddy Piper vs. Bad News Brown

An interesting point here is that both guys are legit black belts in judo with Brown being an Olympic bronze medalist in the sport. They immediately take it to the mat in a fist fight until Piper gets two off a cross body of all things. The referee (former heel wrestler Danny Davis) keeps separating them so Brown takes over by sending Piper’s head into the buckle. He yells at Piper for trying to be black and it’s off to a nerve hold.

Brown slugs him down a few times and drops an elbow for two. Somewhere in there a buckle pad is ripped off and it’s Brown going chest first into said buckle. Piper pulls out a single white glove (Brown wore a single black one) and a bunch of punches send Brown to the floor. Piper swings a chair but hits the post and it’s a double countout.

Rating: D. Instead of a brawl or something entertaining, this was much more of a bizarre spectacle than anything else. Brown would be gone soon after this while Piper would shift into the broadcast booth to take over for Jesse. The fight was a lot weaker because of how much stuff there was to distract from the action which is never a good thing.

Piper wrestled very sparingly for awhile as he did commentary for the second half of 1990 and injured his knee in a motorcycle crash. After squashing some jobbers in late 1991, he earned an Intercontinental Title shot at Royal Rumble 1992.

Intercontinental Title: Roddy Piper vs. The Mountie

Piper slowly removes his kilt and Mountie cracks jokes. When the champ turns his head, Piper shoves the kilt in his face and takes over quickly. We head to the floor with Mountie quickly reeling. Back in the ring and Mountie chokes a bit before getting punched in the face. A very delayed bulldog puts Mountie down and Piper easily wins a slugout. He misses a dropkick though and Mountie puts on a half nelson. A jumping back elbow gets two for Mountie as does a sunset flip for Piper. Piper atomic drops him to the apron but Mountie skins the cat. He also collides with Jimmy Hart and the sleeper gives Piper the title.

Rating: D. The match itself sucked but there was never any doubt about this match at all. Mountie is about as textbook a definition of a transitional champion as you’ll ever see and the place went NUTS when Piper won the title. This would be Piper’s only singles title in the WWF and his only title period (other than those before he got to the WWF in the first place) until he won the US Title in WCW for less than two weeks.

Roddy would basically retire again for several years after this, before eventually becoming the WWF President. That didn’t last long either though as he debuted at Halloween Havoc 1996 and had a match against Hogan at Starrcade 1996.

Hollywood Hogan vs. Roddy Piper

The whole idea is that Hogan has never definitively beating Piper one on one. Hogan has a fleet of people with him here but he still wants time out before we get going. He’s already on the floor before the bell rings and it’s time to stall. After a minute of waiting on the floor he heads back inside for a lockup and takes Piper into the corner. Piper shoves him into the other corner and finally fires off some right hands, sending Hogan out to the floor and up the aisle. Back in and Hogan pounds away as this is very dull stuff so far.

Hogan throws a lot of punches but Piper comes back with a thumb to the eye and a clothesline. Hollywood heads to the floor and it’s time for more stalling. Back in for a main event headlock which Piper uses to drag Hogan down to the mat. Hogan finally knocks him out to the floor for more brawling, which means single right hands knocking Piper three feet backwards.

They head back in with Piper punching him down again as we head to the floor for the fifth time or so. Piper rams him into the barricade over and over before whipping Hogan in the back with a belt. Back in and Piper slams him down, only to be tripped by Ted DiBiase, meaning WE GO OUTSIDE AGAIN. Hogan knocks Piper into the crowd for a second as this is REALLY boring so far. Back in yet again and Hogan kicks away at Piper’s recently replaced hip before putting on an abdominal stretch.

Piper fights out of it and pounds him in the head before getting two off a small package. They slug it out a bit and Tony is thrilled by this for some reason. Piper hooks a suplex and you would think he had just reinvented sliced bread. Time for more laying around but Hogan misses his legdrop.

Piper gets up and hops on one foot (what was with that???) and here’s Giant for the save. He picks up Piper for the chokeslam but after holding him in the air for seventeen seconds (including Hogan having to stop a fan from running in), Piper kicks Hogan down and bites Giant to escape the hold. Piper shoves Giant to the floor and puts Hogan in the sleeper for the win.

Rating: F. For the main event of the biggest show of the year, this was awful. For a match in general, this was a disaster. The fans didn’t react at all until the end and even then it was NOTHING compared to the pop when Luger beat Giant. It was clear that neither guy was capable of working a match this long with no one to help them and it made for a terrible ending to the show.

WCW goes nuts for Piper and the NWO runs in to beat down Piper. He fights them off and bails before Giant and Hogan are furious with each other. Giant asks Hogan where he was when he needed Hogan. Oh by the way: this wasn’t for the title. WCW never said it was but never said that it wasn’t either, correctly assuming that fans would think the main event of the biggest show of the year was a title match.

We’ll jump ahead again as 1997 and 1998 didn’t have much for Piper. Those years were spent either in matches about respect or bringing up his rivalry with Hogan that no one wanted to see in the late 90s. Instead here’s a match from Slamboree 1999 as Piper and Flair are fighting for the presidency of WCW because Flair is insane.

Roddy Piper vs. Ric Flair

The winner is the president. Before things get going, referee Johnny Boone is fired and Charles Robinson replaces him. Flair runs his mouth and gets slapped to get us going. Piper knocks him to the floor and let’s take a break after that. He boxes Flair, seemingly hitting him in the chest and neck, but Flair falls anyway. He hits a low blow to take over and Robinson yells at Piper for choking.

Flair yells at Anderson to beat on Piper when he throws him outside. Flair throws Piper outside and Anderson beats on him. Asya comes in for a low blow and this is about as far from serious as you could want it to be. Flair chops away in the corner and Piper chops back. Robinson cheats on a cover and says Flair keeps getting his shoulder up. There’s the Flair Flip in the corner and they go to the outside.

Piper rams Flair’s head into Flair’s arm but we’ll say it was the post anyway. Back in the ring they ram heads and both guys are down. After about 2 seconds of leg softening here’s the Figure Four. Piper tries a sunset flip and there go the trunks. He hooks Flair in the Figure Four and Flair screams that he gives up but Robinson ignores it. Anderson breaks it up but gets thrown in a sleeper. Now Flair in the sleeper. Asya runs in and gets kissed and put in a sleeper as well. The referee gets decked and Flair hits Piper with an illegal object for the pin.

Rating: The chipmunk has pneumonia. I better take him to the embassy before he deletes the remote control of reality and I run out of apple juice. If he does that, there will be a great and mighty feast in the great archway of the flippyflook.

And that was more logical than putting this match on PPV. But wait: there’s more.

Here’s Eric Bischoff who hasn’t been seen in awhile and has no authority whatsoever in this company. He says Piper is the winner and that Flair can bite him. Somehow this stands. Eric and Piper hug to a face pop (intentional I’d assume but who knows with this company?) and Piper fires Flair. Just….yeah.

Thankfully we’ll get out of WCW after that as Piper entered into another retirement, only to return at Wrestlemania XIX to reignite his feud with Hogan. They would meet at Judgment Day 2003. Er, actually it was Mr. America but whatever.

Mr. America vs. Roddy Piper

Get this over with. FAST. Sean O’Haire is with Piper here and Gowen is with Hogan. The joke is an old one here but still kind of funny. Piper, in regular trunks, jumps Hogan along with O’Haire to take over early. O’Haire, in wrestling gear for no apparent reason, hammers away on Hogan a bit too. Here comes Mr. America with the “24 inch Patriots” and the beating is on.

Out to the floor and Hogan chokes O’Haire with the weight belt. Hogan whips Piper with it a bit as we haven’t had a single wrestling move other than a punch or whip in this whole thing. Sleeper goes on and it’s AWFUL. Piper is almost poking him in the eyes. Hogan fights that off and gets taken down by an axe handle to the back. American hammers away again and it’s Vince to the rescue! Low blow by Piper but a pipe shot from O’Haire hits Piper and the leg drop ends it. Gowen kept Vince from saving it.

Rating: F+. Why in the world is Roddy Piper in trunks in a featured match on PPV in 2003? Hogan….eh I guess you can stretch to let that be here, but put him against O’Haire and let HIM get the rub. He was a cool character and he gets fed to Hogan instead of growing a bit. That’s the criticism you get for Hogan and at times it makes sense. Granted this one isn’t Hogan’s fault, but it’s the stereotype of him. This one is on the company though.

Piper would be gone again but would come back in 2006 to team up with Flair in an effort to teach the Spirit Squad respect. From Cyber Sunday 2006.

Raw Tag Titles: Ric Flair/??? vs. Spirit Squad

The vote is for Flair’s partner. The choices are Piper, Slaughter and Dusty. Piper, looking VERY old, gets the nod. Is there supposed to be a connection between Slaughter and Flait that I’m just not getting? Piper takes his shirt off and I get mad at him. How could he not tell us he was 8 months pregnant? He even has breasts full of milk! Dusty and Slaughter come out to back up the old guys for this.

Kenny and Mikey are the two in the ring at the moment. Ross says this is like Lebron vs. Michael Jordan. Well no one ever claimed Ross toned things down. Both tag and Piper is pathetic looking. Piper gets beaten up as Flair is by far the ace of the team. That’s either awesome or sad and I’m not sure which. The heels dominate for the most part while Piper just kind of lays there.

The hot tag brings in Flair and Mikey is in the figure four but Kenny saves with his top rope legdrop. Are we waiting on the Piper hot tag now? It’s clear that Flair is the only guy on his team in any semblance of shape. Figure four goes on again and OLD GUYS WIN! Dusty and Slaughter come in to stop the big beatdown. Rhodes’ music of all things plays them out. Ah ok it’s so they can dance.

Rating: D-. This was pretty pathetic really. Flair is passable but Piper was clearly just in nothing close to wrestling shape. He would at least wear a t-shirt for the rest of his time in the ring which is a nice break. They would drop the belts in 8 days to Rated RKO so at least this wasn’t long or anything. The match was bad though, namely due to Piper.

We’ll wrap it up with a match from Raw on June 13, 2006.

Roddy Piper vs. The Miz

Piper is in tights and a t-shirt while Miz is in street clothes.  Miz hammers away and Piper gets a sleeper.  Riley pulls him off and here they go.  Piper grabs a schoolboy for the pin at 1:06.

Oh come on it’s Roddy Piper. He could have an entertaining match in the ring if given the chance but his greatest glory came on the microphone. Piper is one of the best talkers of all time and there’s a case to be made that he’s the best ever. Yeah he thinks a bit too highly of himself, but to suggest he’s anything but outstanding is ridiculous.

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